November 2, 2025 • 18 mins
If you just found out your husband is a sex addict, you’re probably feeling lost, angry, and unsure of what to do next. You’re not alone.
In this episode, Craig talks about what recovery really looks like for couples facing sexual betrayal. He shares the first steps for healing, what to expect during the process, and how to protect your emotional well-being while your partner does the work to change.
You’ll learn why recovery isn’t just about stopping the behavior—it’s about rebuilding honesty, trust, and connection one step at a time.
Visit https://mindfulhabithelp.com to learn more about our Partner Empowerment Group for spouses of sex addicts, or explore our friend Dr. Debbie Silber’s Post Betrayal Transformation Institute, a wonderful program and friend of ours: https://mypbtinstitute.com/~access/a8c2087f/
If you’re ready to start healing, this episode will help you take your first step toward strength and clarity.
In this episode, Craig talks about what recovery really looks like for couples facing sexual betrayal. He shares the first steps for healing, what to expect during the process, and how to protect your emotional well-being while your partner does the work to change.
You’ll learn why recovery isn’t just about stopping the behavior—it’s about rebuilding honesty, trust, and connection one step at a time.
Visit https://mindfulhabithelp.com to learn more about our Partner Empowerment Group for spouses of sex addicts, or explore our friend Dr. Debbie Silber’s Post Betrayal Transformation Institute, a wonderful program and friend of ours: https://mypbtinstitute.com/~access/a8c2087f/
If you’re ready to start healing, this episode will help you take your first step toward strength and clarity.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
What's up, everybody.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
My name is Craig Para, and you are listening to
Sex Afflictions and Porn Addictions, a podcast designed to help
you create healthy sexuality in a great life and men,
it's also for your partners. Now this podcast I am
deliberately intentionally recording for your wives, and the title is
(00:24):
what to Do if your husband is a sex Addict.
But men, this does not mean that you don't get
to listen to this, because I want you to listen
to this so you understand the impact of your behavior.
That's not something that comes at rock bottom. It's not
something that you awaken to in months. As you grow
(00:46):
and as you heal, one of the developmental milestones for
you is going to be the realization, Holy shit, I
heard the one person I pledged to love, to support,
to make safe. If you're speaking, if I'm speaking from
personal experience, I shit on my marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
I desecrated those vows.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
My old boss told me something I'll never forget is
in regards to a politician that we had some dealings
with when I was an assistant general counsel had a
big insurance company. He said, Craig, let me tell you something.
He said, be careful with this guy. This is someone
that I had to go meet for the company. Don't
trust him, he said, Never trust a man who lies
(01:31):
to his wife. This is the kind of guy who
comes in the front door with his mistress, goes out
the back door with his wife. And if a man
lies to his wife, he will lie to everyone. So
you are awakening and will continue to the awaken the
pain that you've caused your partner. So let's get into it. Ladies,
(01:51):
this podcast is for you.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Men.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
I also want you to listen to it, but I
want to begin. Let's get started. So you just found
out your husband is a sex addict. It's like a
bomb when off in your life. The shock hits your
body first. I've heard women describe it. Their chest tightens,
they feel like they can't breathe. Their mind is racing
(02:14):
with questions that they never wanted to ask.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
And right away, do I leave? Do I stay?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
I said to myself, I would never stay if something
like this happened. Is here I am staying and I
feel bad about that. I have no one to talk to.
Is our marriage even real? This is betrayal trauma?
Speaker 2 (02:32):
It is real.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
It looks a lot like PTSD, and if it feels
like your whole world is caving in, it's because it has.
What you're feeling is not overreacting, it's not being dramatic.
You're not stuck in the past. Research shows betrayaled trauma
can trigger symptoms similar to PTSD, flashbacks, hypervigilance, sleep problems,
(02:59):
obsessive thinkings. Guys, this is what our women are going through,
right and ladies, you're not broken. You're having a human
reaction to a devastating injury. And I think about it
like this is you go to bed thinking.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Two plus two is four. We all know that to
be true. The sun rises in the east and sets
in the west. And my husband is being honest with me.
Your reality, the way you experience it, who you trust,
has been shattered, and it is devastating.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
It is absolutely devastating. And for the first twenty four hours, right,
the mission there is to protect and stabilize, breathe and
slow down. Big decisions can wait right now. Your nervous
system needs you more than your to do list. Okay,
first twenty four hours. My tip number two, get safe
(03:55):
emotional support. You may be tempted to tell somebody, but
that person might not be a safe place.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Right. This is complicated.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
This is tricky, and there is a great chance chance
that you will be judged. However, you do want to
find someone that you can trust.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Right. This could be a friend, a coach, or it
could be.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
A betrayal trauma therapist, it could be Michelle and our
partner empowerment group. You need a safe place to get
support and to be honest. The third tip that I
get partners in the first twenty four hours. Protect your
space if needed, create physical or digital boundaries. No surprise confrontations,
(04:36):
no frantic late night searching. Sometimes you need space, physical
space or emotional space, and that's okay, okay, and document
don't decide if you need details take notes right now.
Clarity matters more than confrontation because your world has been
turned upside down. Let me tell you what Sarah said
(04:59):
when I found out this is one of our clients.
I felt like my marriage was a lie. But working
with Craig and Michelle, I learned two things fast. One
I'm not crazy and two I'm not alone. And she
goes on to say the steps he gave me and
our call life support, YadA yadah, that's all nice. And well,
but this is common. You are not crazy, You were
(05:20):
not crazy. You are wounded, you are traumatized. And let
me tell you something about our philosophy is betrayal trauma
causes wounds that you must treat.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
You must treat.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
If you do not treat those wounds, there is no
way that you are going to be successful long term.
It just doesn't work that way. You have to think
about it like a physical injury. Think about it like
you've been in a car accident. Right, you told him
(05:54):
not to text, he texted. You got in a car
accident anyway, But that mean that you don't go to
PT or go to OT or get the diagnostic test
just because he did it.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
No, No, you need help. This is for you.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
This is something that you do for you, and that
is really, really, really important that you prioritize what's important.
So let's get into specifically seven things that you can
do or not do. We're gonna talk about some things
you cannot do if you've just found out that your
husband is a sex addict. Number one, don't rush into
(06:31):
any big decisions when your world get rocks by betrayal.
The first question that hits is should I stay or
should I go. Shame on anyone who is judging your decision.
I will always say that, but in challenging economic times,
please you know why Michelle stayed.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
In the beginning, she thought it was love.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
She thought that she wanted to pull me up, help me,
pull me up out of the morass, and help me
be a better person. I'm the better father, Yes, that
was part of it. She stayed initially for financial reasons.
She didn't think about going anywhere until she straightened out
her financial house. I was the provider. She was to
stay at home. Mom hadn't been in the workforce for many,
(07:17):
many years. Shame on anybody who is judging you for
your decision. You want to be in a place where
you feel supported. That being said, don't rush into any
big decisions. That is basic advice when you're angry, when
you're hurt, when you're devastated. If you're watching this listening
to this, no big decisions. Michelle gave herself permission to breathe.
(07:43):
She gave herself permission to gather herself financially, emotionally, and spiritually.
You can leave any time, but right now you can
also just not leave today. And if you choose not
to decide. You still have made a choice, and that's
a powerful choice. The next thing that you must do
(08:05):
is you must take care of yourself because right now
your central nervous system is on fire. And if you
want to survive this trauma kind of good news bad news,
you have to thrive. Survival is not enough to take
you out of this hole that you're in. And your
number one job if your husband is a sex addict,
(08:28):
is to take care of yourself. In our partner group,
Michelle teaches something that we call the fundamental five.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
It is the basics.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
And when you are in chaos and when you are
in trauma, it is so easy to overlook the basics.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
But we're not going to do that.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
You must eat well, you must rest your body's going
through hell. You must hydrate, you must exercise, and you
must practice mindfulness. Okay, focus on these basics. Focus on
these basics with a belief system that you are worthy,
(09:08):
that you deserve love, that you are worthy of dignity
in respect, and you are going to prove it by
treating yourself with dignity and respect. And this is your
call to action, because that's the only way out. You
must drive. You must drive. Next step, get support, but
(09:28):
be smart about it. And I touched on this earlier.
You can't do this alone. But you just can't turn
to anyone.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Either, right.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Not all support is created equal. You'll be judged, others
will gaslight you. What you need is trauma inform support
from someone who's been there. So we have a couple
of programs. That one we offer our Partner Empowerment Group,
and we're also great friends with doctor Debbie Silber who
runs the Post Betrayal Transformation Institute. Her link to her
(10:01):
program is down below. Get help. We've got a podcast,
We've got groups. You need people who understand betrayal trauma
because they lived it. So if you are isolating, I
beg of you, please stop. If you are not connecting,
please start connecting, because healing happens in safe community. Next,
(10:23):
you have to feel your feelings without judging them, and
this is ridiculously hard. You don't need to fix your
feelings right now. You need to feel them, rage, grief, heartbreak,
discuss longing. Right they're all going to They all might
exist at once. You can love your husband and still
(10:46):
want to kill them. You can be devastated, crushed, and
still not want to leave. So please, this is an
act of self compassion. Stop judging your emotions, start observing them.
Pay attention and what we teach here in the mindful Habit,
track your triggers, what's triggering you, What are the thoughts
(11:09):
that you're having, Speak your truth and practice gratitude daily.
This is how you stay grounded, and this is how
you keep from drowning in the pain. Next, you must
set boundaries that create emotional safety for you. And unfortunately
none of this is easy. See, you can't rebuild trust
(11:29):
without first creating emotional safety for you. You you feeling
safe in your body, you having the skills, the capacity
to regulate and see boundaries.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
They're not control, they're not punishment. We have a program.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
One of the exercises is I feel unsafe when you
take the phone into the bathroom because it makes me
feel like you're not prioritizing recovery, that you really don't
I feel like you don't care. Here's what I want
you to do instead. This is about helping you feel
safe in your own home and your own body and
(12:07):
your own relationship. Boundaries protect your piece and if he's
serious about recovery, he will honor them for them. But
if he doesn't, now you have more clarity. And here's
the thing about boundaries, here's a cautionary tale. You are
going to be very tempted to say again, Promise me
you'll never lie to me again.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Promise me you'll never slip again, And if you do,
I'm leaving.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
We encourage partners that we work with to not make
promises that they do not intend on keeping.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
These are complicated issues.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Your husband's broken as started in childhood. He has been
keeping these secrets in some cases for decades, and chances
are he's going to lie about it, and chances are
he's going to stumble. Don't You want to create an
environment where you're getting good information, where you're not suppressing
him and doing things that would contribute to him being dishonest.
(13:05):
You want data, you want information, you want the truth.
So you can ask yourself what conditions do I need
to create to accomplish that goal. It's very empowering, and
one of these days Michelle and I are going to
do a podcast on her use of how she reclaimed
the word manipulate and what she means by that is
(13:29):
knowing I was batshit crazy, right, and knowing I was
hyper reactive and hyper defensive and had anger issues. She said,
I'm not going to reinforce his narrative. I'm going to
create conditions by my responses that produce the outcome I seek.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
She said, I'm not going.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
To be reinforced a justification that he's using for his
behavior because I'm supposedly a bitch, because I'm upset and
I'm raising my voice. Make no mistake, she expressed her emotion.
She was smart about it. She was smart about it.
It was really shocking and moving to me when she
did that next step. Imagine the possibility, even if you
(14:09):
can't see it yet. Right now, you may feel like
your marriage is over, and there's a chance that it
might be.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Some relationships do not recover.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Some couples their best path is away from each other.
Now Fortunately, unfortunately, whatever the the overwhelming majority of clients
move back towards each other. Okay, but what if this
breakdown becomes the break through? And Michelle and I have
worked with hundreds of couples who've created stronger, more connected
(14:45):
relationships because of this storm. It forced them to get real,
forced him to get help. It forced the partner who's
struggling not just with betrayal trauma, but the trauma that
sits under need. The betrayal trauma what we call stacked trauma.
It forced both people, husband and wife to treat those
(15:08):
core wounds.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
And here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
You may not have confidence in him, but I want
you to have confidence in you.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
You got this.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
You are going to come out of this thriving. You
are not gonna let his mental illness, his arrogance, his
lack of empathy, his shame, his demons, the baggage carries.
You are not gonna let that suck you down. You
are not gonna let that consume you and take over
because you see this crisis. And here's what I want
(15:44):
you to know. Betrayal trauma causes wounds that must be treated.
And in so many cases, all the resources go to
the men. All the resources go to the men, when
in fact, you've got a partner at home literally day
in and day out, suffering with PTSD like symptoms. You
(16:04):
do not have to suffer alone. You can find someone
who can help you accelerate, deepen, and help.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
You sustain your journey.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
So if any of this this hits home, don't sit
in silence, you are not alone. You don't have to
stay stuck. Michelle's Partner Empowerment program is specifically.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Built for you.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
It's for women hit with betrayal trauma who is ready
to take their power back. We've seen so many women rebuild,
We've seen women rise, and it all starts with one step,
a choice to take care of you, A decision in
your life that says I am worthy of self care,
I am worthy of getting help because I love myself
(16:50):
and I'm not gonna let him destroy me no freaking way.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
And remember, whether your husband gets better or not.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
You you will. You must because you deserve it. Thank you
for watching. My name is Craig Parra, and I am
so so sorry. If you are listening to this video
and you are struggling with your husband's compulsive sexual behavior,
it's devastating. Your world has been turned upside down. Visit
(17:20):
the website Mindfulhabit heelp dot com. You can check out
the Partner Empowerment group in the link in the show notes,
we have the link to doctor Debbie Silber's Post Betrayal
Transformation Institute, who's a good friend of ours, who has
a wonderful program. If you don't connect with ours. We
want you to get help. We've been doing this thirteen years,
and there is hope again. I don't know what's going
(17:41):
on with him, but I know you can do it
because I know if all the women we've worked with,
they've all been through Helen back, they've all overcome so
many challenges, are ready to get here, and there is
no doubt in my mind that they will not only
survive this one, they will thrive this one. Let that
be you. Let that be you, because you deserve it.
Thanks for watching. I'm Craig Parra. I'm the founder of
(18:03):
the Mindful Habit System with my incredible wife Michelle. You're
listening to sex afflictions and porn addictions and life is
too short to suck.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
I hope you find peace. Thanks for watching.
What's up, everybody.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
My name is Craig Para, and you are listening to
Sex Afflictions and Porn Addictions, a podcast designed to help
you create healthy sexuality in a great life and men,
it's also for your partners. Now this podcast I am
deliberately intentionally recording for your wives, and the title is
(00:24):
what to Do if your husband is a sex Addict.
But men, this does not mean that you don't get
to listen to this, because I want you to listen
to this so you understand the impact of your behavior.
That's not something that comes at rock bottom. It's not
something that you awaken to in months. As you grow
(00:46):
and as you heal, one of the developmental milestones for
you is going to be the realization, Holy shit, I
heard the one person I pledged to love, to support,
to make safe. If you're speaking, if I'm speaking from
personal experience, I shit on my marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
I desecrated those vows.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
My old boss told me something I'll never forget is
in regards to a politician that we had some dealings
with when I was an assistant general counsel had a
big insurance company. He said, Craig, let me tell you something.
He said, be careful with this guy. This is someone
that I had to go meet for the company. Don't
trust him, he said, Never trust a man who lies
(01:31):
to his wife. This is the kind of guy who
comes in the front door with his mistress, goes out
the back door with his wife. And if a man
lies to his wife, he will lie to everyone. So
you are awakening and will continue to the awaken the
pain that you've caused your partner. So let's get into it. Ladies,
(01:51):
this podcast is for you.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Men.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
I also want you to listen to it, but I
want to begin. Let's get started. So you just found
out your husband is a sex addict. It's like a
bomb when off in your life. The shock hits your
body first. I've heard women describe it. Their chest tightens,
they feel like they can't breathe. Their mind is racing
(02:14):
with questions that they never wanted to ask.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
And right away, do I leave? Do I stay?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
I said to myself, I would never stay if something
like this happened. Is here I am staying and I
feel bad about that. I have no one to talk to.
Is our marriage even real? This is betrayal trauma?
Speaker 2 (02:32):
It is real.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
It looks a lot like PTSD, and if it feels
like your whole world is caving in, it's because it has.
What you're feeling is not overreacting, it's not being dramatic.
You're not stuck in the past. Research shows betrayaled trauma
can trigger symptoms similar to PTSD, flashbacks, hypervigilance, sleep problems,
(02:59):
obsessive thinkings. Guys, this is what our women are going through,
right and ladies, you're not broken. You're having a human
reaction to a devastating injury. And I think about it
like this is you go to bed thinking.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Two plus two is four. We all know that to
be true. The sun rises in the east and sets
in the west. And my husband is being honest with me.
Your reality, the way you experience it, who you trust,
has been shattered, and it is devastating.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
It is absolutely devastating. And for the first twenty four hours, right,
the mission there is to protect and stabilize, breathe and
slow down. Big decisions can wait right now. Your nervous
system needs you more than your to do list. Okay,
first twenty four hours. My tip number two, get safe
(03:55):
emotional support. You may be tempted to tell somebody, but
that person might not be a safe place.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Right. This is complicated.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
This is tricky, and there is a great chance chance
that you will be judged. However, you do want to
find someone that you can trust.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Right. This could be a friend, a coach, or it
could be.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
A betrayal trauma therapist, it could be Michelle and our
partner empowerment group. You need a safe place to get
support and to be honest. The third tip that I
get partners in the first twenty four hours. Protect your
space if needed, create physical or digital boundaries. No surprise confrontations,
(04:36):
no frantic late night searching. Sometimes you need space, physical
space or emotional space, and that's okay, okay, and document
don't decide if you need details take notes right now.
Clarity matters more than confrontation because your world has been
turned upside down. Let me tell you what Sarah said
(04:59):
when I found out this is one of our clients.
I felt like my marriage was a lie. But working
with Craig and Michelle, I learned two things fast. One
I'm not crazy and two I'm not alone. And she
goes on to say the steps he gave me and
our call life support, YadA yadah, that's all nice. And well,
but this is common. You are not crazy, You were
(05:20):
not crazy. You are wounded, you are traumatized. And let
me tell you something about our philosophy is betrayal trauma
causes wounds that you must treat.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
You must treat.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
If you do not treat those wounds, there is no
way that you are going to be successful long term.
It just doesn't work that way. You have to think
about it like a physical injury. Think about it like
you've been in a car accident. Right, you told him
(05:54):
not to text, he texted. You got in a car
accident anyway, But that mean that you don't go to
PT or go to OT or get the diagnostic test
just because he did it.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
No, No, you need help. This is for you.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
This is something that you do for you, and that
is really, really, really important that you prioritize what's important.
So let's get into specifically seven things that you can
do or not do. We're gonna talk about some things
you cannot do if you've just found out that your
husband is a sex addict. Number one, don't rush into
(06:31):
any big decisions when your world get rocks by betrayal.
The first question that hits is should I stay or
should I go. Shame on anyone who is judging your decision.
I will always say that, but in challenging economic times,
please you know why Michelle stayed.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
In the beginning, she thought it was love.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
She thought that she wanted to pull me up, help me,
pull me up out of the morass, and help me
be a better person. I'm the better father, Yes, that
was part of it. She stayed initially for financial reasons.
She didn't think about going anywhere until she straightened out
her financial house. I was the provider. She was to
stay at home. Mom hadn't been in the workforce for many,
(07:17):
many years. Shame on anybody who is judging you for
your decision. You want to be in a place where
you feel supported. That being said, don't rush into any
big decisions. That is basic advice when you're angry, when
you're hurt, when you're devastated. If you're watching this listening
to this, no big decisions. Michelle gave herself permission to breathe.
(07:43):
She gave herself permission to gather herself financially, emotionally, and spiritually.
You can leave any time, but right now you can
also just not leave today. And if you choose not
to decide. You still have made a choice, and that's
a powerful choice. The next thing that you must do
(08:05):
is you must take care of yourself because right now
your central nervous system is on fire. And if you
want to survive this trauma kind of good news bad news,
you have to thrive. Survival is not enough to take
you out of this hole that you're in. And your
number one job if your husband is a sex addict,
(08:28):
is to take care of yourself. In our partner group,
Michelle teaches something that we call the fundamental five.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
It is the basics.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
And when you are in chaos and when you are
in trauma, it is so easy to overlook the basics.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
But we're not going to do that.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
You must eat well, you must rest your body's going
through hell. You must hydrate, you must exercise, and you
must practice mindfulness. Okay, focus on these basics. Focus on
these basics with a belief system that you are worthy,
(09:08):
that you deserve love, that you are worthy of dignity
in respect, and you are going to prove it by
treating yourself with dignity and respect. And this is your
call to action, because that's the only way out. You
must drive. You must drive. Next step, get support, but
(09:28):
be smart about it. And I touched on this earlier.
You can't do this alone. But you just can't turn
to anyone.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Either, right.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Not all support is created equal. You'll be judged, others
will gaslight you. What you need is trauma inform support
from someone who's been there. So we have a couple
of programs. That one we offer our Partner Empowerment Group,
and we're also great friends with doctor Debbie Silber who
runs the Post Betrayal Transformation Institute. Her link to her
(10:01):
program is down below. Get help. We've got a podcast,
We've got groups. You need people who understand betrayal trauma
because they lived it. So if you are isolating, I
beg of you, please stop. If you are not connecting,
please start connecting, because healing happens in safe community. Next,
(10:23):
you have to feel your feelings without judging them, and
this is ridiculously hard. You don't need to fix your
feelings right now. You need to feel them, rage, grief, heartbreak,
discuss longing. Right they're all going to They all might
exist at once. You can love your husband and still
(10:46):
want to kill them. You can be devastated, crushed, and
still not want to leave. So please, this is an
act of self compassion. Stop judging your emotions, start observing them.
Pay attention and what we teach here in the mindful Habit,
track your triggers, what's triggering you, What are the thoughts
(11:09):
that you're having, Speak your truth and practice gratitude daily.
This is how you stay grounded, and this is how
you keep from drowning in the pain. Next, you must
set boundaries that create emotional safety for you. And unfortunately
none of this is easy. See, you can't rebuild trust
(11:29):
without first creating emotional safety for you. You you feeling
safe in your body, you having the skills, the capacity
to regulate and see boundaries.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
They're not control, they're not punishment. We have a program.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
One of the exercises is I feel unsafe when you
take the phone into the bathroom because it makes me
feel like you're not prioritizing recovery, that you really don't
I feel like you don't care. Here's what I want
you to do instead. This is about helping you feel
safe in your own home and your own body and
(12:07):
your own relationship. Boundaries protect your piece and if he's
serious about recovery, he will honor them for them. But
if he doesn't, now you have more clarity. And here's
the thing about boundaries, here's a cautionary tale. You are
going to be very tempted to say again, Promise me
you'll never lie to me again.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Promise me you'll never slip again, And if you do,
I'm leaving.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
We encourage partners that we work with to not make
promises that they do not intend on keeping.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
These are complicated issues.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Your husband's broken as started in childhood. He has been
keeping these secrets in some cases for decades, and chances
are he's going to lie about it, and chances are
he's going to stumble. Don't You want to create an
environment where you're getting good information, where you're not suppressing
him and doing things that would contribute to him being dishonest.
(13:05):
You want data, you want information, you want the truth.
So you can ask yourself what conditions do I need
to create to accomplish that goal. It's very empowering, and
one of these days Michelle and I are going to
do a podcast on her use of how she reclaimed
the word manipulate and what she means by that is
(13:29):
knowing I was batshit crazy, right, and knowing I was
hyper reactive and hyper defensive and had anger issues. She said,
I'm not going to reinforce his narrative. I'm going to
create conditions by my responses that produce the outcome I seek.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
She said, I'm not going.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
To be reinforced a justification that he's using for his
behavior because I'm supposedly a bitch, because I'm upset and
I'm raising my voice. Make no mistake, she expressed her emotion.
She was smart about it. She was smart about it.
It was really shocking and moving to me when she
did that next step. Imagine the possibility, even if you
(14:09):
can't see it yet. Right now, you may feel like
your marriage is over, and there's a chance that it
might be.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Some relationships do not recover.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Some couples their best path is away from each other.
Now Fortunately, unfortunately, whatever the the overwhelming majority of clients
move back towards each other. Okay, but what if this
breakdown becomes the break through? And Michelle and I have
worked with hundreds of couples who've created stronger, more connected
(14:45):
relationships because of this storm. It forced them to get real,
forced him to get help. It forced the partner who's
struggling not just with betrayal trauma, but the trauma that
sits under need. The betrayal trauma what we call stacked trauma.
It forced both people, husband and wife to treat those
(15:08):
core wounds.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
And here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
You may not have confidence in him, but I want
you to have confidence in you.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
You got this.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
You are going to come out of this thriving. You
are not gonna let his mental illness, his arrogance, his
lack of empathy, his shame, his demons, the baggage carries.
You are not gonna let that suck you down. You
are not gonna let that consume you and take over
because you see this crisis. And here's what I want
(15:44):
you to know. Betrayal trauma causes wounds that must be treated.
And in so many cases, all the resources go to
the men. All the resources go to the men, when
in fact, you've got a partner at home literally day
in and day out, suffering with PTSD like symptoms. You
(16:04):
do not have to suffer alone. You can find someone
who can help you accelerate, deepen, and help.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
You sustain your journey.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
So if any of this this hits home, don't sit
in silence, you are not alone. You don't have to
stay stuck. Michelle's Partner Empowerment program is specifically.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Built for you.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
It's for women hit with betrayal trauma who is ready
to take their power back. We've seen so many women rebuild,
We've seen women rise, and it all starts with one step,
a choice to take care of you, A decision in
your life that says I am worthy of self care,
I am worthy of getting help because I love myself
(16:50):
and I'm not gonna let him destroy me no freaking way.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
And remember, whether your husband gets better or not.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
You you will. You must because you deserve it. Thank you
for watching. My name is Craig Parra, and I am
so so sorry. If you are listening to this video
and you are struggling with your husband's compulsive sexual behavior,
it's devastating. Your world has been turned upside down. Visit
(17:20):
the website Mindfulhabit heelp dot com. You can check out
the Partner Empowerment group in the link in the show notes,
we have the link to doctor Debbie Silber's Post Betrayal
Transformation Institute, who's a good friend of ours, who has
a wonderful program. If you don't connect with ours. We
want you to get help. We've been doing this thirteen years,
and there is hope again. I don't know what's going
(17:41):
on with him, but I know you can do it
because I know if all the women we've worked with,
they've all been through Helen back, they've all overcome so
many challenges, are ready to get here, and there is
no doubt in my mind that they will not only
survive this one, they will thrive this one. Let that
be you. Let that be you, because you deserve it.
Thanks for watching. I'm Craig Parra. I'm the founder of
(18:03):
the Mindful Habit System with my incredible wife Michelle. You're
listening to sex afflictions and porn addictions and life is
too short to suck.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
I hope you find peace. Thanks for watching.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.