January 19, 2025 • 44 mins
Did you know that quitting porn can make your life significantly worse? You need to know why!!! In this eye-opening episode, Craig Perra, world-renowned coach and creator of The Mindful Habit System, explains the hidden dangers of quitting porn and why simply stopping isn’t the solution.
Drawing on years of experience helping men overcome porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior, Craig dives deep into the underlying issues that keep you stuck. Discover why focusing solely on "sobriety" can lead to emotional crises, why porn addiction is more than a bad habit, and how to create sustainable systems for long-term success.
Packed with powerful client stories, actionable insights, and science-backed strategies, this episode will change the way you think about breaking free from porn addiction. Here’s what clients say about Craig’s transformative approach:
visit www.mindfulhabithelp.com to check out Craig's Core training program: 7 day free trial and 30 day money return policy so you can ensure that you're getting great results.
Drawing on years of experience helping men overcome porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior, Craig dives deep into the underlying issues that keep you stuck. Discover why focusing solely on "sobriety" can lead to emotional crises, why porn addiction is more than a bad habit, and how to create sustainable systems for long-term success.
Packed with powerful client stories, actionable insights, and science-backed strategies, this episode will change the way you think about breaking free from porn addiction. Here’s what clients say about Craig’s transformative approach:
- “This isn’t just about quitting porn—it’s about taking control of your life. The Mindful Habit System gave me the tools to break free, not just from my addiction but from years of shame and failure.”
- “Craig’s program saved my life. When I thought quitting porn would fix everything, I just got worse. He showed me how to create real change—and it worked.”
- “I didn’t realize how much I was relying on porn to cope with stress. Craig’s system gave me the tools to replace it with healthy habits and completely transform my life.”
visit www.mindfulhabithelp.com to check out Craig's Core training program: 7 day free trial and 30 day money return policy so you can ensure that you're getting great results.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is going to sound ridiculous at first, but did
you know that stopping porn in other compulsive sexual behaviors
can actually make your life worse, at least temporarily. I'm
going to explain why that happens and how to overcome it,
(00:22):
But first I want to start with a client story.
We'll call him Chris. Okay, So seventy percent of our
clients come to us from other treatment programs, traditional CEESADS,
twelve step meetings, traditional counseling, and therapy. And when Chris
(00:43):
came to me, he joined my group coaching program. And
in the onboarding that we had I either didn't ask
the right questions or Chris was doing a really good
job around suppressing the actual distress that he was under.
But three weeks into the program and he's actually getting worse.
(01:05):
Thank god he shared it with us. This guy was
an absolute mess. He was on the brink of crisis.
He was losing his mind. This is someone who needed
local medical attention. Why was he losing his mind? He's
(01:26):
losing his mind because he was in a sobriety centric program.
And obviously that's the goal, but that is the outcome,
that is the result. All he did was stop using porn.
And guess what it was his primary coping strategy since
(01:51):
he was a child, his compulsive sexual behavior. He used
to numb, copec ape, emotionally regulate. It was the gloom
holding all the pieces together. And when all he did
was remove the coping strategy, he got worse. He got
(02:11):
to a place where he was on the brink of
being hospitalized. So we made sure we got him the
local medical help. He saw a psychiatrist or psychologist, I
remember exactly who he saw. He stabilized, and when he
came back into the program, we said, stop worrying about
the porn. Now listen. I know that sounds ridiculous, and
I know that's a difficult pill to swallow. Chris was
(02:34):
a man of faith, but the reality was he wasn't
setting attainable goals. You can't break a habit if you
don't make new habits that meet the right needs. I
see clients like Chris all the time, their obsession with sobriety,
(02:54):
the intense focus on sobriety without addressing the underlying issues
lee clients without a coping strategy, and in some cases
that can be dangerous, literally dangerous dangerous, dangerous. You need
(03:14):
it to take the poorn off the table. Let's address
that later. Let's first stabilize. Let's get you taking care
of yourself a teeny tiny bit better. Maybe there's a
medication that can regulate the acute anxiety that literally almost
drove him insane. Now that's not a solution for everybody,
but it was a solution for him. The cycle of
(03:39):
setting goals that aren't attainable leads to failure, depression, and hopelessness.
For some men, abstinence is the path. For a lot
of guys, it's harm reduction, and the greater the underlying
mental health issues and the child that draws. I'm a
(04:01):
greater the chance that harm reduction is the right approach
for you, and the reason for that, because setting goals
that aren't attainable is foolish. I'm never gonna do it again? Well, well,
why why aren't you ever gonna do it again? Is
your wife's anger and hurt and pain sufficient to drive
(04:21):
compliance for the rest of your life? It is not.
Can the deep shame that you experienced after getting caught
drive compliance for the rest of your life? No, No,
this habit is ridiculously hard to break. Listen to me,
Please listen to me ridiculously hard, and let me tell
you why it's ridiculously hard. Number one, how many times
(04:45):
have you used PMO to numb cop and escape discomfort,
to get a release, to get a reward. How many times?
I have had clients calculate that frequency? Thousands of times.
So this this is a lifetime use of using porn
to alleviate discomfort and pain as a coping strategy. The
(05:10):
repetitions the frequency in which this event occurred. I had
one client say recently, it hit him like a light
bulb or light bulb popped up in his head where
he realized that he pmode more times than he brushed
his teeth. Another client realized that he did this more
(05:30):
than he rode a bicycle. I invite everyone listening to
this podcast right now to calculate the frequency how often
this happened. So we've been using porn to escape discomfort
since we were children. We have done it thousands of times,
(05:52):
some of us get close to ten thousand. Do the math.
Do the math. And not only have we been doing
it since we were children, we have attached shame and
secrecy to it. Since we were children, It's not just
the doing it, it's the lot about it that goes
(06:13):
back really really far. Okay, doing it since children, done
it a thousand times, lying about it since we were children.
And all of this sits on top of a natural
biological wiring that we men have for in visual stimulation
(06:35):
and variety. We are wired to be stimulated visually, and
we are wired for variety that is underneath. And on
top of that, here is that lifetime use, high frequency
and shame that started in childhood. You're not just fighting
a habit or an addiction. You're fighting biology history in
(06:59):
the silence that keeps this addiction alive and the reason
why this addiction stays alive because it is doing something
for you. This isn't just a bad habit or an addiction.
Your PMO is meeting very important needs. Let me share
(07:20):
with you a few golden rules of behavior modification. Number one,
all behavior is need seeking behavior. Number two. To break
a habit, you have to make the right habits that
meets the right needs. So let's explore some of those emotional, physiological,
physical needs that poorn masturbation orgasm PMO fulfills. Number one.
(07:46):
The obvious, it helps you deal with stress and anxiety.
Let's unpeck that for a second. Do you mean that
you have been using sexual activity to manage stress and
anxiety also known as fear. That's what stress and anxiety
is modern words for fear, fear. When you look at us,
(08:10):
at are our root almost at a cellular level, pain, fear, pleasure.
So you're using your most one of the most powerful
forces in human nature to deal with stress and anxiety.
And it is very effective short term to deal with
(08:30):
stress and anxiety. Everybody knows you want to practice mindfulness,
like you when you're doing that, when you're in that tunnel,
that's mindful. You are doing that to the exclusion of
all else. That's how powerful and that's how effective it is.
Not only is it helping you deal with stress and anxiety,
it's a reward that PMO is a sense of autonomy
(08:53):
and freedom. This has been our little secret, like the
Ring and Lord of the Rings. It is our precious,
it's ours. It's what we do when no one's looking.
It's what we do for us. It gives us a reward,
a sense of autonomy and think Mel Gibson in Brave
Heart Freedom, stress and anxiety or reward and sense of
(09:19):
autonomy and freedom. And if you're doing the chitty chatty
and talking with other people and you're maybe using an
AI bot to get off or you're on the camming
or you're talking to a real person. Oh so now
you're using it for significance, make you feel good about yourself,
(09:42):
getting attention, a charge. Holy moly, this behavior is meeting
some ridiculously important needs. It's absolutely insane when you start
to unpack, and you must unpack the needs that this
behavior is meeting. Why to break a habit? You have
to make the right habit that meets the right meats.
(10:05):
But wait, there's more, not just stress and anxiety, not
just a reward, sense of autonomy and freedom, not just
significance and attention or connection. If you're traveling down that route,
isn't it is an escape. It is a release, a
moment of fun, of selfishness, of excitement, offering you, giving
(10:27):
you something to look forward to when you are stressed.
That's a lot. That's a lot. Here's the lesson that
you have to know, right, and so what happened before
I get to the lesson? You remove that coping strategy you
think your life gets better. I thought I was supposed
(10:48):
to be il free and my light would shine right
and everything would work for me. No, yes, yes, that
obviously right, that's what we're going towards. But we cannot
ignore the reality that we are removing our primary numbing,
(11:11):
coping and escaping strategy and now we got nothing in
Removing that strategy is so harmful for some men they
end up being hospitalized in a mental health crisis because
that behavior, that coping strategy, was the glue holding it
all together. Now I know everyone listening is not in
that dark space, not in that place. Oh, if I
(11:31):
stopped doing it, I'm gonna end up hospitalized because I'm
gonna lose my mind. But some of you are. Some
of you are, and we're all on a spectrum. We
may not be that, but maybe we're pretty close. This
has been our thing since we were children. Let me
tell you about Joe. Joe is one of my best
(11:51):
clients and I love him very much. Hi Joe, that's
not his name. This is a guy who's been sober
for years. This is a guy who's spoken in front
of tens of thousands of people. This guy is a
leader in the program, doing really, really well, guess what happens.
There's a medical scare with someone very close, someone very
(12:15):
close to him has a medical skit. They have to
go get this person that he loves and cares about
has to go get tests. He's scared. He's afraid of
losing someone near and dear to him. He doesn't have
his coping strategy. Guess what hapen For the first time
(12:36):
in his life. He starts having panic attacks. And that
was the kind of a bit of a joke. And
I hear this joke off sen Greg. You know in
my mind, I think you know goodfellas like Greg. Oh, wow, man, thanks,
look at the thanks for the results, right the sarcasm.
I stop doing the thing and now I'm having panic attacks. Wow,
this is wonderful. I'm so proud of myself. Without his
(13:02):
coping strategy, he had never gone through this before. This
was traumatic for him, and as a result of that trauma,
he started having panic attacks. Now he had the tools,
he reached out right away. He did everything that he
(13:22):
was supposed to do. But you need to know this,
this work obviously. Let me make an obvious statement first
as a parallel to give you a framework to think
about it. Obviously, when you exercise and take good care
of yourself and eat well and do all the things
you're supposed to do, does that eliminate the chance of
(13:44):
future medical problems? It absolutely doesn't. This work that you're
doing on yourself mentally, now, just a quick footnote. Remember
mental is physical, physical is mental. Where's your brain and
your physical body? You get triggered as a physiological reaction.
You are disregulated central nervous system, right, that's in your body.
(14:06):
So just want to put that out there, just like
this work doesn't. Doesn't physical activity immunize you from future
medical challenges. This work that working on yourself, living your purpose,
(14:27):
doing what you need to do to be successful and
live your best life. That does not immunize you from
future mental health struggles. In fact, I live in a
reality where I know that my worst triggers are ahead
of me. Now I'm going to be prepared for those triggers.
But life is hard. I shared recently about someone close
(14:50):
to me killing themselves. Now we lost touch. It's been
a while since we talked. I've been meaning to reach out.
I didn't reach out. I in a hole. I had
ridiculous thoughts put on a disguise, go to the strip club,
rent the car, go to this place, go to this place,
(15:10):
go to the bookstore. No one will recognize you. Crazy thoughts.
People think that working on themselves immunizes them from future triggers.
That is foolish. Do you not think that you're going
to experience a challenge in your life where you are
not going to be triggered to numb coping escape. Your
(15:34):
biggest challenges are ahead of you. Of course, these parts
are going to awaken. That's what they do, and that's
critical why I teach clients how to lead those parts
to create positive outcomes. If you're not doing parts work,
I don't know what you're doing. I can't fathom being
(15:57):
successful without having an a shot awareness of the different parts
of me that hijack agency and control when I get triggered,
the attic part, liar, sabotage, resentment, anger, All of these
parts are meeting needs. And no matter what you do,
(16:20):
no matter how long you sit in those weekly sessions
and talk about your feelings and talk about your past
and talk about your traumas, I don't care if you
go as deep as you could possibly go. Here's one
of the other important lessons that I've learned thirteen years.
By the way, this week, brothers and sisters who are listening,
we are celebrating our thirteenth year in business. So so so,
(16:45):
so so so proud. Thank you for being along for
this journey. It has been a great privilege, and I
know I have so many people listening, and it just
warms my heart that you're listening to this and hopefully
taking notes and hope and hoping that you're getting value.
You have to learn to lead these parts because no
(17:06):
amount of therapy is going to prevent the reality that
these parts are going to awaken. You're never going to
be triggered to lot again. You're never going to get angry,
You're never going to feel resentful. These are parts of
life now. Yes, good news, taking care of yourself, tapping
(17:33):
into your purpose, having community, learning distress tolerance skills, managing
your parts. Thank goodness reduces the frequency of those triggering events,
in the severity of those events, but they have been
reduced in frequency and severity because you are better able
to mege them. Your triggers are biologically hardwired. Your thoughts
(18:01):
aren't going away. These parts get retrained, they get new jobs,
and I'll talk about that in another podcast, But think
about well, you don't have to think about yourself. You
are removing a coping strategy that has been meeting these
(18:21):
powerful needs since childhood. Imagine, imagine taking away the one
thing that you've relied on to deal with life's toughest
moments and not having anything else to lean on. That's
what happens when PMO is removed without addressing the underlying issues,
(18:45):
and without creating continuous improvement, learning from your mistakes, building
an identity of someone a man of integrity, a man
who proactively manages stress, and he gets good sleep, he
eats well. He does all these things because he loves himself.
(19:06):
He's coming at this from a place of strength. Without
the right tools, you are vulnerable to anxiety, stress, emotional upheaval, crisis, depression.
That's hard, brothers, and for the partners listening, two things
(19:30):
can coexist. His behavior has caused you great and tremendous pain.
And he has been using this vehicle, this method like medication,
and he's addicted to that medication since he was a child.
(19:52):
This isn't anything new. He has done this thousands of times,
thousands of time times now that's not an excuse to
not do anything about it. That's not an excuse to
appreciate the impact that this oldest and most impactful habit,
doing it and lying about it has on our lives.
(20:16):
We are using the most powerful, one of the most
powerful forces in human nature. Look how sex is used
to sell us thing. Trillions of dollars have been spent
over the years using sex to get us to buy
crap we don't need. If you don't have tools, and
you don't have a framework for managing these parts, and
you're not taking care of yourself, you are doomed. You
(20:39):
are not going to be prepared for that moment. I
don't care how much sobriety you have. And in celebration
of our thirteenth year anniversary, one of the statements that
just grows in truth and accuracy. For me, sobriety is
less than ten percent of the solution. Another way of
(21:01):
saying that is sobriety is the result. It's the output
of creating a great life for yourself. So let's talk
about how do you be successful? Okay, then I want
to be quick. I want to have an overview take notes.
This is poring. What are the pillars of long term success.
(21:23):
Number one, you have to learn self control, not just
learn it, master it. You have to become a master
of managing your triggers, in managing your thoughts, in managing
the actions that follow. That means you must have a
deep understanding of the habit cycle, trigger thought, action or
(21:48):
Q routine reward from the power of habit and Atomic Habits.
If you haven't read Atomic Habits the links below, get
that book. I didn't write it, James Clear did. It
is the best book on habits. You have developed a
mastery of emotional regulation, and that means that you proactively
(22:09):
manage anxiety and stress. You have tools and practices to
stay ahead of these emotional challenges. There's no life, there's
no future successful you where you don't have more anxiety
and stress. I am so proud of what we accomplished,
but sometimes Michelle and I have this fleeting fantasy of
(22:32):
what it was like, the two of us recording videos
in the closet, figuring them out all on our own,
doing the podcast, editing the website, editing the videos, posting
on social media. I don't have less anxiety and stress.
I have more. I have people that depend on me
more people that depend on me than ever before. So
(22:54):
when you're successful, do you have less stress or more?
But you're better able to manage it? Number three, you
have to learn what your needs are and you have
to learn how to articulate those needs in your relationships
the arc of results. Remember this, how many men listening
are afraid to be honest with their wives. Every brother
(23:18):
listening right now, If you're not driving, put up your end.
If you are afraid to be honest with your wives, well,
if needs get met reactively, or they get met proactively,
then you got to address that. And we're a little
bit behind the eight ball here, guys, we weren't trained
to meet our needs. In fact, we think about needs
(23:39):
being proactive about meeting our needs. You might have a
voice in your head saying, get the fuck out of
here with that pussy shit. That's not very constructive, is it.
If we're going to define masculinity as brave and courageous,
being vulnerable as brave and courageous, feel is brave and courageous.
(24:01):
Embracing the full tapestry and texture of our reality, the good,
the bad, and the ugly. Being able to speak truth
to our partners. But what happens. Guys, get caught, happy wife,
happy life. Let me shut my mouth, let me not
speak my truth. Yes, dear, whatever you say, dear, What
that does is that breeds resentment. The greater the resentment,
(24:23):
the greater the chance of you acting out. Certain guarantee
that you are going to be miserable. The greater the resentment,
the greater the chance of you acting out. Think of
the justifications that you have to justify your behavior. I
deserve it. Oh she's a bitcher. She doesn't do this,
(24:44):
she doesn't do that. Believe if you don't like it,
own your choice to stay, figure it out, make it work.
Love her, support her. Recognize that whatever anger and vitriol
is coming towards you, it's because she is so wounded.
She is so hurt. She thought two plus two was four.
She thought the sun rose in the east and sets
(25:05):
in the west. She thought her husband was being honest,
and that she was the recipient of that sexual energy.
And to come to find out, Oh my god, it's
been going here. I can't compete with that. I'm not
good enough. Make kerfeel good enough, and learn to be
honest in your relationship. One great communication tool which will
(25:25):
be the subject of another podcast, is Nonviolent Communication. Go
on YouTube type that in there's a couple of primer
videos up top. Watch those videos. This communication tool is
epic and awesome. And Marshall Rosenberg wrote a wonderful book
that I also highly recommend. It's a little dense, yet
(25:47):
it's you know, very very important stuff. Number four, You
have to learn to manage conflict effectively. There is no
such thing as a relationship without conflict. There is no
such thing as a life without conflict. But what happens?
How do we respond to conflict? How are we trained
to respond to conflict? Well, we numb coping escape from it.
(26:10):
We hate it, But if it is part of our reality,
like gravity, you need skills to navigate disagreements and challenges.
In the group coaching program or my core training program,
you get the exact exercise that addresses this. It is
called the emotional safety exercise. One of the most important
(26:33):
exercises that Michelle and I ever came up with. That
exercise helps you. So safety means the opposite of dysregulation, grounded, connected, safe,
not in fight, flight or freeze mode or form mode.
People pleasing yes, dear, whatever you say dear. That's a
form of fear. These are versions of fear. And in
(26:57):
the emotional safety exercise, you identify where's their safety so
we can build on it, and where it's not, where
there is conflict, specifically narrow focus, because we're creatures of habit.
It feels like there's chaos all over the place, there's not.
You're primarily having conflict around three major issues. Rarely do
(27:19):
I see it go to four. Rarely does it go
to three major if at least of the eighty twenty. Well,
if we address those three major areas of conflict, the patterns,
the family of origin, the attachment styles, the parts that awaken,
the dysregulation that occurs, if we can bring value there,
well that bleeds over into other areas. And not only
(27:42):
did you get a once in done, but you've now
got a framework to manage conflict going forward. If you
don't have a framework for managing conflict, if you don't
have this safety plan in your relationship, here's what we
commit to doing. Because one of the realities is for
a lot of guys listening to this left right now,
is your hypersensitive No, I'm not. I'm a big strong man. Well,
(28:06):
why you get so defensive, why wouldn't she ask you, hey,
where are you going? Where am I going? Don't control me,
you can't tell me what to do, right, And you
may not be hyper sensitive at work, but my successful
clients big big, big on the outside, small on the inside,
insignificant at home, not good enough at home, no vehicle
(28:31):
for communicating their needs. They are unsafe. So not only
is your partner safety obviously, emotional safety obviously, if there's
physical unsafety, you gotta separate asap because that's dangerous and
who the hell wants the authorities involved? And that's clearly
a sign that you need help. By the way, if
(28:52):
there's physical domestic violence, right, that's a clear sign that hey,
I need help immediately. I'm breaking the law. Now, that's
only a tiny fraction of the clients that I work with,
but we help those guys and partners too, and sometimes
the physical violence is going from partner to husband, right,
So just just a note on that, separate immediately, create
(29:18):
that space. What we're often talking about is emotional safety.
If conflict is going to be the source of divorce,
well we better have a plan to do something about it.
Don't you think you need to be aware acutely of
(29:41):
exactly when you're disregulated, what the triggers are, what the
thoughts are, how it feels in your body when that happens,
and taking a step further, what part is awakened? You
need to know that. You need to know that, and
if you're going to be happy and healthy in you,
your relationship, your partner needs to know that. That's the
(30:02):
emotional safety plan. Critical, absolutely critical. So let me continue
because I'm gonna keep going off on tangents, the pillars
for long term success sexual health, not sobriety. Sobriety is
a stepping stone. Look, I'm a tent of the way there.
I'm a tent of the way towards sexual health, sexual
(30:29):
health with integrity, fun, exciting, titillating, connecting. And I know
that means different things for everyone else. But please make
as your goal cross sobriety off the list or acknowledge
that's a stepping stone, because you can't stay sober if
(30:49):
you are an unhealthy sexual man, if you haven't healed
that trauma, that shame, those wounds, and that energy isn't
flo in a healthy, constructive way. What do you think
is going to happen. You must prioritize sexual help. I
talked about restoring trust in your relationship. The emotional safety
(31:12):
exercise is the vehicle to do that. But that is mandatory.
This crisis in your relationship just to borrow a professional
analogy has to be the crucible moment, the pivot. The
relationship must get better. I have never seen a relationship
(31:35):
survive the pain of sex addiction and porn addiction if
the couple did not make it better. This exposes the vulnerabilities,
exposes the shame, exposes the disconnect. So all out there,
you got to make lemonade. You gotta make lemonade. Last
(31:57):
thing I want to say is really important statement chapter
one of the book Atomic Habits by James Clear. You
must create sustainability by paying attention to your systems. Let
me share with you the quote, we do not rise
to the level of our goals. We fall to the
(32:19):
level of our systems. So, my businessmen listening to this
podcast right now, you probably know a thing or two
about change management. What about change management? Is it ease
or is it hard? Organizational change? Even the slightest, little
itty bitty process that you want to change in your
(32:43):
organization requires considerable effort because we're creatures of habit. Same
for business, same for ourselves. Think of what you know
about change management. Think about what you know about risk management.
Think about what you know about systems. You know it
takes systems to deliver the output that you're responsible for. Systems,
(33:07):
policies and procedures, protocols, metrics. We need accountability. You can't
be successful without accountability. Part of your system must be accountability.
You can't even you can't trust your best employee to
be great all the time. What happens without accountability professionally?
(33:30):
I want you to imagine right now, in your place
of work, you've eliminated accountability. It's all gone, bye bye,
no more accountability. I trust everyone to do the right
thing the way I need them to do it. I
know you guys will figure it out. That's preposterous, right.
(33:51):
Accountability is a system. Faith can be a system, self care,
self control, self for steam. There's a number of different
ways to break down buckets that you need to pay
attention to. What systems in your life are necessary in
(34:14):
order for you to be successful long term, And everybody
has different systems. But I'll just share with you a
quick outline of the ones that I think are important
or at least must be on your list for consideration.
Direction and purpose is a system where do you want
to go? Where do you want to go? Why do
(34:35):
you want to get there? If you don't know your why,
you're going to feel like you emotionally die, and then
why where are you going? What direction do you want
to go? So direction and purpose system one risk management.
You can't run a successful business without risk management. You
need someone paying attention to the pitfalls, making sure they
(34:58):
don't happen. Sure there's a plan in place if it
does happen to mitigate the risk. Right you know that
self control might be a system controlling yourself. There's a
lot that goes into that. Mindfulness, distress, tolerance, skills, parts work,
emotional regulation, healing, childhood trauma. There's levels to this, So
(35:23):
that's another system. Self leadership may be another system for you.
How are you managing the team? Not the external team,
your family, work, community, faith, No, the internal team, your parts.
Self leadership, in fact, is one of the most important systems,
and every one of my clients I want them focusing
(35:45):
on that. Leading your parts is a thing. There are
things that you can do to lead those parts to
better outcomes. Understanding the triggers that awaken them, the thoughts
that they have, the job that they're doing, the fears.
What would happen if if I stop doing my job?
The liar says, you can't stop doing that. I can't
stop doing my job if I if I stop lying,
(36:07):
I'm gonna be abandoned. I'm gonna be rejected. People are
gonna think less of me. Well, that's already happening. Liars
not working. You have to learn to lead these parts.
That's self leadership. You have to feel good about yourself.
Self esteem. You gotta work on that. If you don't
feel good about yourself, that ain't gonna work. There's a
hole that you gotta fill. Worthless. I have worth, I
(36:30):
have value. I treat myself, I speak to myself, or
treat myself the way I want the people I love
to treat themselves. I feel about myself the way I
want people I love and care about and lead to
feel about themselves. Do you want them? I'm driving from
a place of shame. No. No. So. Self esteem is
(36:54):
a system, as is accountability. Duh, Like the what accountability
do you have on the make a habit part of
the equation. I had none, right, I don't care how
committed you are. You need accountability on the make a
(37:15):
habit part of the equation. Do you need an in business?
You need it professionally, you need it personally. So another
system might be connection. In relationships, you may have a workstream,
a focus on how well am I connecting, particularly with
my spouse, my children, people that love me, people that
(37:38):
depend on me. The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's
why say it with me? Connection. Mindfulness may be a
system for you. It may be so important to you
as it is for me. This is the say I
got to pay attention to this. I gotta make sure
that I'm practicing mindfulness, or you could lump in in
with self care. So I'm not telling you what to do.
(37:59):
I'm giving you inspiration so you can figure out what
works for you, because different people respond to different things.
Faith may be an important system to you. People who
regularly practice their faith have better life outcomes. Are you
just showing up or are you feeling it? Gratitude may
(38:19):
be another system, and of course healthy sexuality is another system.
All right, And there's a number of other ways to
position this, but just just the assignment for you listening,
What are the buckets? What are the categories that I
need to pay attention? If I'm looking down at my
life ten thousand feet right, there's the day to day stuff,
(38:42):
there's a weekly stuff. But at ten thousand feet, if
I got to report to the board, what do they
want to hear about? Like I pretend I have a
personal board of directors. Because I come from big business,
I've got that perspective and it's not always a perfect analogy,
but it helps me create that framework. Okay, if I
had a report to my personal board, whose job it
(39:03):
is is to make sure I am successful as humanly possible,
which includes taking care of myself and feeling good about
myself and managing stress and anxiety, not just do doo
doo doo doo, includes leisure and what would they want
to know about? How you doing here? How you doing here?
How you doing there? So think about that. What are
your systems? What are your systems? Now? Stopping porn is
(39:29):
ridiculously hard. I wish it wasn't. If I see another
one of these, and I don't want to quote any
one particular model twenty one days easy, this peasy that
it's ridiculously hard. As I explained earlier in this lesson,
you don't have to do it alone. You don't have
(39:51):
to feel hopeless. You can find someone out there. Maybe
it's me. Maybe you want to evaluate. And because we
have a day money return policy, say this makes sense
to me. I'm not doing these things. I'm not thinking
about these things. I haven't been focused on these things
because what you're paying for, whether it's me or someone else,
(40:12):
I believe people pay me to do three things. People
pay me my wife, my company, the therapist that works
for me, the other coaches that work for me, to
accelerate their journey. Right if I'm not moving them quicker,
I'm not doing my job. They pay me to deepen
their journey. They want to go as deep as they
(40:33):
can because that's where the identity change comes from. You
can't create identity change without understanding how you got here.
Where did this flawed, broken identity of not being good
enough comes from? They pay me to accelerate, they pay
me to deepen, and they pay us to empower them
to sustain. And you know, self help is riddled with
(41:02):
efforts to create these big, massive catharsist moments. Right, how
many of you here by a show of hands, have
been to therapy and had one of those catharsis moments
that the fireworks, But what do we know about fireworks?
They're big and powerful, but they fade and we're led
(41:23):
to believe that this emotional catharsist moment was some kind
of breakthrough. We've broken through. We're on the other side
now and everything's going to be okay. That is poundly false.
It being false does not mean it's incredibly valuable, but
it is a stepping stone. What you've done is you've
(41:45):
created a pathway for future healing and you've collected data
to manage this part. Going forward. Quick story. I have
two clients who have visited Fiji Island, who have worked
with one of the best coaches in the world, one
of the most successful coaches in the world. They walked
on calls, they were surrounded by the elite, by the experts,
(42:10):
and they set these goals for themselves that would make
you cry. I'm talking goals that would blow like it
was so they were so connected with their purpose. They
cried half the time and it was an amazing experience.
But let's fast forward three months later, and they're more
(42:36):
depressed than when they started because they hadn't achieved any
of these deep goals that they knew were them at
the fiber of their being. This is their identity, this
is their calling, and yet they're still stuck. Why because
they did not focus on systems. Now, listen, no one's
(42:58):
paying seventy five dollars dollars to go to Fiji to
focus on accountability and systems. It's not sexy, it doesn't
produce those being catharsis moment, but you know what it does.
It produces results. Sustainability is everything, and you need systems
(43:19):
to create that sustainability. Without it, you're doomed. So visit
mindfulhabithelp dot com, download our free resources, podcasts, YouTube channel,
and if you are ready, we have a program that's
(43:39):
ninety nine dollars a month with a seven day free
trial thirty day money back guarantee. We also have our
group intensive and I do a limited amount of one
on one coaching. So take back control of your life,
not just by quitting porn, but by creating the life
you deserve. The most cliche and clickbait YouTube video that
(44:02):
I've ever done in thirteen years, remains my truth. The
cure for your addiction is the aggressive pursuit of a
great life. I'm Craig Perra and this is sex afflictions
and porn addictions. It was a pleasure to spend this
time with you. Thanks for listening. I got excited a
few times today. I am obviously very passionate about these subjects.
(44:27):
Not sexy yet mission mission mission critical to you living
the life you deserve. Thanks for listening and goodbye.
This is going to sound ridiculous at first, but did
you know that stopping porn in other compulsive sexual behaviors
can actually make your life worse, at least temporarily. I'm
going to explain why that happens and how to overcome it,
(00:22):
But first I want to start with a client story.
We'll call him Chris. Okay, So seventy percent of our
clients come to us from other treatment programs, traditional CEESADS,
twelve step meetings, traditional counseling, and therapy. And when Chris
(00:43):
came to me, he joined my group coaching program. And
in the onboarding that we had I either didn't ask
the right questions or Chris was doing a really good
job around suppressing the actual distress that he was under.
But three weeks into the program and he's actually getting worse.
(01:05):
Thank god he shared it with us. This guy was
an absolute mess. He was on the brink of crisis.
He was losing his mind. This is someone who needed
local medical attention. Why was he losing his mind? He's
(01:26):
losing his mind because he was in a sobriety centric program.
And obviously that's the goal, but that is the outcome,
that is the result. All he did was stop using porn.
And guess what it was his primary coping strategy since
(01:51):
he was a child, his compulsive sexual behavior. He used
to numb, copec ape, emotionally regulate. It was the gloom
holding all the pieces together. And when all he did
was remove the coping strategy, he got worse. He got
(02:11):
to a place where he was on the brink of
being hospitalized. So we made sure we got him the
local medical help. He saw a psychiatrist or psychologist, I
remember exactly who he saw. He stabilized, and when he
came back into the program, we said, stop worrying about
the porn. Now listen. I know that sounds ridiculous, and
I know that's a difficult pill to swallow. Chris was
(02:34):
a man of faith, but the reality was he wasn't
setting attainable goals. You can't break a habit if you
don't make new habits that meet the right needs. I
see clients like Chris all the time, their obsession with sobriety,
(02:54):
the intense focus on sobriety without addressing the underlying issues
lee clients without a coping strategy, and in some cases
that can be dangerous, literally dangerous dangerous, dangerous. You need
(03:14):
it to take the poorn off the table. Let's address
that later. Let's first stabilize. Let's get you taking care
of yourself a teeny tiny bit better. Maybe there's a
medication that can regulate the acute anxiety that literally almost
drove him insane. Now that's not a solution for everybody,
but it was a solution for him. The cycle of
(03:39):
setting goals that aren't attainable leads to failure, depression, and hopelessness.
For some men, abstinence is the path. For a lot
of guys, it's harm reduction, and the greater the underlying
mental health issues and the child that draws. I'm a
(04:01):
greater the chance that harm reduction is the right approach
for you, and the reason for that, because setting goals
that aren't attainable is foolish. I'm never gonna do it again? Well, well,
why why aren't you ever gonna do it again? Is
your wife's anger and hurt and pain sufficient to drive
(04:21):
compliance for the rest of your life? It is not.
Can the deep shame that you experienced after getting caught
drive compliance for the rest of your life? No, No,
this habit is ridiculously hard to break. Listen to me,
Please listen to me ridiculously hard, and let me tell
you why it's ridiculously hard. Number one, how many times
(04:45):
have you used PMO to numb cop and escape discomfort,
to get a release, to get a reward. How many times?
I have had clients calculate that frequency? Thousands of times.
So this this is a lifetime use of using porn
to alleviate discomfort and pain as a coping strategy. The
(05:10):
repetitions the frequency in which this event occurred. I had
one client say recently, it hit him like a light
bulb or light bulb popped up in his head where
he realized that he pmode more times than he brushed
his teeth. Another client realized that he did this more
(05:30):
than he rode a bicycle. I invite everyone listening to
this podcast right now to calculate the frequency how often
this happened. So we've been using porn to escape discomfort
since we were children. We have done it thousands of times,
(05:52):
some of us get close to ten thousand. Do the math.
Do the math. And not only have we been doing
it since we were children, we have attached shame and
secrecy to it. Since we were children, It's not just
the doing it, it's the lot about it that goes
(06:13):
back really really far. Okay, doing it since children, done
it a thousand times, lying about it since we were children.
And all of this sits on top of a natural
biological wiring that we men have for in visual stimulation
(06:35):
and variety. We are wired to be stimulated visually, and
we are wired for variety that is underneath. And on
top of that, here is that lifetime use, high frequency
and shame that started in childhood. You're not just fighting
a habit or an addiction. You're fighting biology history in
(06:59):
the silence that keeps this addiction alive and the reason
why this addiction stays alive because it is doing something
for you. This isn't just a bad habit or an addiction.
Your PMO is meeting very important needs. Let me share
(07:20):
with you a few golden rules of behavior modification. Number one,
all behavior is need seeking behavior. Number two. To break
a habit, you have to make the right habits that
meets the right needs. So let's explore some of those emotional, physiological,
physical needs that poorn masturbation orgasm PMO fulfills. Number one.
(07:46):
The obvious, it helps you deal with stress and anxiety.
Let's unpeck that for a second. Do you mean that
you have been using sexual activity to manage stress and
anxiety also known as fear. That's what stress and anxiety
is modern words for fear, fear. When you look at us,
(08:10):
at are our root almost at a cellular level, pain, fear, pleasure.
So you're using your most one of the most powerful
forces in human nature to deal with stress and anxiety.
And it is very effective short term to deal with
(08:30):
stress and anxiety. Everybody knows you want to practice mindfulness,
like you when you're doing that, when you're in that tunnel,
that's mindful. You are doing that to the exclusion of
all else. That's how powerful and that's how effective it is.
Not only is it helping you deal with stress and anxiety,
it's a reward that PMO is a sense of autonomy
(08:53):
and freedom. This has been our little secret, like the
Ring and Lord of the Rings. It is our precious,
it's ours. It's what we do when no one's looking.
It's what we do for us. It gives us a reward,
a sense of autonomy and think Mel Gibson in Brave
Heart Freedom, stress and anxiety or reward and sense of
(09:19):
autonomy and freedom. And if you're doing the chitty chatty
and talking with other people and you're maybe using an
AI bot to get off or you're on the camming
or you're talking to a real person. Oh so now
you're using it for significance, make you feel good about yourself,
(09:42):
getting attention, a charge. Holy moly, this behavior is meeting
some ridiculously important needs. It's absolutely insane when you start
to unpack, and you must unpack the needs that this
behavior is meeting. Why to break a habit? You have
to make the right habit that meets the right meats.
(10:05):
But wait, there's more, not just stress and anxiety, not
just a reward, sense of autonomy and freedom, not just
significance and attention or connection. If you're traveling down that route,
isn't it is an escape. It is a release, a
moment of fun, of selfishness, of excitement, offering you, giving
(10:27):
you something to look forward to when you are stressed.
That's a lot. That's a lot. Here's the lesson that
you have to know, right, and so what happened before
I get to the lesson? You remove that coping strategy you
think your life gets better. I thought I was supposed
(10:48):
to be il free and my light would shine right
and everything would work for me. No, yes, yes, that
obviously right, that's what we're going towards. But we cannot
ignore the reality that we are removing our primary numbing,
(11:11):
coping and escaping strategy and now we got nothing in
Removing that strategy is so harmful for some men they
end up being hospitalized in a mental health crisis because
that behavior, that coping strategy, was the glue holding it
all together. Now I know everyone listening is not in
that dark space, not in that place. Oh, if I
(11:31):
stopped doing it, I'm gonna end up hospitalized because I'm
gonna lose my mind. But some of you are. Some
of you are, and we're all on a spectrum. We
may not be that, but maybe we're pretty close. This
has been our thing since we were children. Let me
tell you about Joe. Joe is one of my best
(11:51):
clients and I love him very much. Hi Joe, that's
not his name. This is a guy who's been sober
for years. This is a guy who's spoken in front
of tens of thousands of people. This guy is a
leader in the program, doing really, really well, guess what happens.
There's a medical scare with someone very close, someone very
(12:15):
close to him has a medical skit. They have to
go get this person that he loves and cares about
has to go get tests. He's scared. He's afraid of
losing someone near and dear to him. He doesn't have
his coping strategy. Guess what hapen For the first time
(12:36):
in his life. He starts having panic attacks. And that
was the kind of a bit of a joke. And
I hear this joke off sen Greg. You know in
my mind, I think you know goodfellas like Greg. Oh, wow, man, thanks,
look at the thanks for the results, right the sarcasm.
I stop doing the thing and now I'm having panic attacks. Wow,
this is wonderful. I'm so proud of myself. Without his
(13:02):
coping strategy, he had never gone through this before. This
was traumatic for him, and as a result of that trauma,
he started having panic attacks. Now he had the tools,
he reached out right away. He did everything that he
(13:22):
was supposed to do. But you need to know this,
this work obviously. Let me make an obvious statement first
as a parallel to give you a framework to think
about it. Obviously, when you exercise and take good care
of yourself and eat well and do all the things
you're supposed to do, does that eliminate the chance of
(13:44):
future medical problems? It absolutely doesn't. This work that you're
doing on yourself mentally, now, just a quick footnote. Remember
mental is physical, physical is mental. Where's your brain and
your physical body? You get triggered as a physiological reaction.
You are disregulated central nervous system, right, that's in your body.
(14:06):
So just want to put that out there, just like
this work doesn't. Doesn't physical activity immunize you from future
medical challenges. This work that working on yourself, living your purpose,
(14:27):
doing what you need to do to be successful and
live your best life. That does not immunize you from
future mental health struggles. In fact, I live in a
reality where I know that my worst triggers are ahead
of me. Now I'm going to be prepared for those triggers.
But life is hard. I shared recently about someone close
(14:50):
to me killing themselves. Now we lost touch. It's been
a while since we talked. I've been meaning to reach out.
I didn't reach out. I in a hole. I had
ridiculous thoughts put on a disguise, go to the strip club,
rent the car, go to this place, go to this place,
(15:10):
go to the bookstore. No one will recognize you. Crazy thoughts.
People think that working on themselves immunizes them from future triggers.
That is foolish. Do you not think that you're going
to experience a challenge in your life where you are
not going to be triggered to numb coping escape. Your
(15:34):
biggest challenges are ahead of you. Of course, these parts
are going to awaken. That's what they do, and that's
critical why I teach clients how to lead those parts
to create positive outcomes. If you're not doing parts work,
I don't know what you're doing. I can't fathom being
(15:57):
successful without having an a shot awareness of the different parts
of me that hijack agency and control when I get triggered,
the attic part, liar, sabotage, resentment, anger, All of these
parts are meeting needs. And no matter what you do,
(16:20):
no matter how long you sit in those weekly sessions
and talk about your feelings and talk about your past
and talk about your traumas, I don't care if you
go as deep as you could possibly go. Here's one
of the other important lessons that I've learned thirteen years.
By the way, this week, brothers and sisters who are listening,
we are celebrating our thirteenth year in business. So so so,
(16:45):
so so so proud. Thank you for being along for
this journey. It has been a great privilege, and I
know I have so many people listening, and it just
warms my heart that you're listening to this and hopefully
taking notes and hope and hoping that you're getting value.
You have to learn to lead these parts because no
(17:06):
amount of therapy is going to prevent the reality that
these parts are going to awaken. You're never going to
be triggered to lot again. You're never going to get angry,
You're never going to feel resentful. These are parts of
life now. Yes, good news, taking care of yourself, tapping
(17:33):
into your purpose, having community, learning distress tolerance skills, managing
your parts. Thank goodness reduces the frequency of those triggering events,
in the severity of those events, but they have been
reduced in frequency and severity because you are better able
to mege them. Your triggers are biologically hardwired. Your thoughts
(18:01):
aren't going away. These parts get retrained, they get new jobs,
and I'll talk about that in another podcast, But think
about well, you don't have to think about yourself. You
are removing a coping strategy that has been meeting these
(18:21):
powerful needs since childhood. Imagine, imagine taking away the one
thing that you've relied on to deal with life's toughest
moments and not having anything else to lean on. That's
what happens when PMO is removed without addressing the underlying issues,
(18:45):
and without creating continuous improvement, learning from your mistakes, building
an identity of someone a man of integrity, a man
who proactively manages stress, and he gets good sleep, he
eats well. He does all these things because he loves himself.
(19:06):
He's coming at this from a place of strength. Without
the right tools, you are vulnerable to anxiety, stress, emotional upheaval, crisis, depression.
That's hard, brothers, and for the partners listening, two things
(19:30):
can coexist. His behavior has caused you great and tremendous pain.
And he has been using this vehicle, this method like medication,
and he's addicted to that medication since he was a child.
(19:52):
This isn't anything new. He has done this thousands of times,
thousands of time times now that's not an excuse to
not do anything about it. That's not an excuse to
appreciate the impact that this oldest and most impactful habit,
doing it and lying about it has on our lives.
(20:16):
We are using the most powerful, one of the most
powerful forces in human nature. Look how sex is used
to sell us thing. Trillions of dollars have been spent
over the years using sex to get us to buy
crap we don't need. If you don't have tools, and
you don't have a framework for managing these parts, and
you're not taking care of yourself, you are doomed. You
(20:39):
are not going to be prepared for that moment. I
don't care how much sobriety you have. And in celebration
of our thirteenth year anniversary, one of the statements that
just grows in truth and accuracy. For me, sobriety is
less than ten percent of the solution. Another way of
(21:01):
saying that is sobriety is the result. It's the output
of creating a great life for yourself. So let's talk
about how do you be successful? Okay, then I want
to be quick. I want to have an overview take notes.
This is poring. What are the pillars of long term success.
(21:23):
Number one, you have to learn self control, not just
learn it, master it. You have to become a master
of managing your triggers, in managing your thoughts, in managing
the actions that follow. That means you must have a
deep understanding of the habit cycle, trigger thought, action or
(21:48):
Q routine reward from the power of habit and Atomic Habits.
If you haven't read Atomic Habits the links below, get
that book. I didn't write it, James Clear did. It
is the best book on habits. You have developed a
mastery of emotional regulation, and that means that you proactively
(22:09):
manage anxiety and stress. You have tools and practices to
stay ahead of these emotional challenges. There's no life, there's
no future successful you where you don't have more anxiety
and stress. I am so proud of what we accomplished,
but sometimes Michelle and I have this fleeting fantasy of
(22:32):
what it was like, the two of us recording videos
in the closet, figuring them out all on our own,
doing the podcast, editing the website, editing the videos, posting
on social media. I don't have less anxiety and stress.
I have more. I have people that depend on me
more people that depend on me than ever before. So
(22:54):
when you're successful, do you have less stress or more?
But you're better able to manage it? Number three, you
have to learn what your needs are and you have
to learn how to articulate those needs in your relationships
the arc of results. Remember this, how many men listening
are afraid to be honest with their wives. Every brother
(23:18):
listening right now, If you're not driving, put up your end.
If you are afraid to be honest with your wives, well,
if needs get met reactively, or they get met proactively,
then you got to address that. And we're a little
bit behind the eight ball here, guys, we weren't trained
to meet our needs. In fact, we think about needs
(23:39):
being proactive about meeting our needs. You might have a
voice in your head saying, get the fuck out of
here with that pussy shit. That's not very constructive, is it.
If we're going to define masculinity as brave and courageous,
being vulnerable as brave and courageous, feel is brave and courageous.
(24:01):
Embracing the full tapestry and texture of our reality, the good,
the bad, and the ugly. Being able to speak truth
to our partners. But what happens. Guys, get caught, happy wife,
happy life. Let me shut my mouth, let me not
speak my truth. Yes, dear, whatever you say, dear, What
that does is that breeds resentment. The greater the resentment,
(24:23):
the greater the chance of you acting out. Certain guarantee
that you are going to be miserable. The greater the resentment,
the greater the chance of you acting out. Think of
the justifications that you have to justify your behavior. I
deserve it. Oh she's a bitcher. She doesn't do this,
(24:44):
she doesn't do that. Believe if you don't like it,
own your choice to stay, figure it out, make it work.
Love her, support her. Recognize that whatever anger and vitriol
is coming towards you, it's because she is so wounded.
She is so hurt. She thought two plus two was four.
She thought the sun rose in the east and sets
(25:05):
in the west. She thought her husband was being honest,
and that she was the recipient of that sexual energy.
And to come to find out, Oh my god, it's
been going here. I can't compete with that. I'm not
good enough. Make kerfeel good enough, and learn to be
honest in your relationship. One great communication tool which will
(25:25):
be the subject of another podcast, is Nonviolent Communication. Go
on YouTube type that in there's a couple of primer
videos up top. Watch those videos. This communication tool is
epic and awesome. And Marshall Rosenberg wrote a wonderful book
that I also highly recommend. It's a little dense, yet
(25:47):
it's you know, very very important stuff. Number four, You
have to learn to manage conflict effectively. There is no
such thing as a relationship without conflict. There is no
such thing as a life without conflict. But what happens?
How do we respond to conflict? How are we trained
to respond to conflict? Well, we numb coping escape from it.
(26:10):
We hate it, But if it is part of our reality,
like gravity, you need skills to navigate disagreements and challenges.
In the group coaching program or my core training program,
you get the exact exercise that addresses this. It is
called the emotional safety exercise. One of the most important
(26:33):
exercises that Michelle and I ever came up with. That
exercise helps you. So safety means the opposite of dysregulation, grounded, connected, safe,
not in fight, flight or freeze mode or form mode.
People pleasing yes, dear, whatever you say dear. That's a
form of fear. These are versions of fear. And in
(26:57):
the emotional safety exercise, you identify where's their safety so
we can build on it, and where it's not, where
there is conflict, specifically narrow focus, because we're creatures of habit.
It feels like there's chaos all over the place, there's not.
You're primarily having conflict around three major issues. Rarely do
(27:19):
I see it go to four. Rarely does it go
to three major if at least of the eighty twenty. Well,
if we address those three major areas of conflict, the patterns,
the family of origin, the attachment styles, the parts that awaken,
the dysregulation that occurs, if we can bring value there,
well that bleeds over into other areas. And not only
(27:42):
did you get a once in done, but you've now
got a framework to manage conflict going forward. If you
don't have a framework for managing conflict, if you don't
have this safety plan in your relationship, here's what we
commit to doing. Because one of the realities is for
a lot of guys listening to this left right now,
is your hypersensitive No, I'm not. I'm a big strong man. Well,
(28:06):
why you get so defensive, why wouldn't she ask you, hey,
where are you going? Where am I going? Don't control me,
you can't tell me what to do, right, And you
may not be hyper sensitive at work, but my successful
clients big big, big on the outside, small on the inside,
insignificant at home, not good enough at home, no vehicle
(28:31):
for communicating their needs. They are unsafe. So not only
is your partner safety obviously, emotional safety obviously, if there's
physical unsafety, you gotta separate asap because that's dangerous and
who the hell wants the authorities involved? And that's clearly
a sign that you need help. By the way, if
(28:52):
there's physical domestic violence, right, that's a clear sign that hey,
I need help immediately. I'm breaking the law. Now, that's
only a tiny fraction of the clients that I work with,
but we help those guys and partners too, and sometimes
the physical violence is going from partner to husband, right,
So just just a note on that, separate immediately, create
(29:18):
that space. What we're often talking about is emotional safety.
If conflict is going to be the source of divorce,
well we better have a plan to do something about it.
Don't you think you need to be aware acutely of
(29:41):
exactly when you're disregulated, what the triggers are, what the
thoughts are, how it feels in your body when that happens,
and taking a step further, what part is awakened? You
need to know that. You need to know that, and
if you're going to be happy and healthy in you,
your relationship, your partner needs to know that. That's the
(30:02):
emotional safety plan. Critical, absolutely critical. So let me continue
because I'm gonna keep going off on tangents, the pillars
for long term success sexual health, not sobriety. Sobriety is
a stepping stone. Look, I'm a tent of the way there.
I'm a tent of the way towards sexual health, sexual
(30:29):
health with integrity, fun, exciting, titillating, connecting. And I know
that means different things for everyone else. But please make
as your goal cross sobriety off the list or acknowledge
that's a stepping stone, because you can't stay sober if
(30:49):
you are an unhealthy sexual man, if you haven't healed
that trauma, that shame, those wounds, and that energy isn't
flo in a healthy, constructive way. What do you think
is going to happen. You must prioritize sexual help. I
talked about restoring trust in your relationship. The emotional safety
(31:12):
exercise is the vehicle to do that. But that is mandatory.
This crisis in your relationship just to borrow a professional
analogy has to be the crucible moment, the pivot. The
relationship must get better. I have never seen a relationship
(31:35):
survive the pain of sex addiction and porn addiction if
the couple did not make it better. This exposes the vulnerabilities,
exposes the shame, exposes the disconnect. So all out there,
you got to make lemonade. You gotta make lemonade. Last
(31:57):
thing I want to say is really important statement chapter
one of the book Atomic Habits by James Clear. You
must create sustainability by paying attention to your systems. Let
me share with you the quote, we do not rise
to the level of our goals. We fall to the
(32:19):
level of our systems. So, my businessmen listening to this
podcast right now, you probably know a thing or two
about change management. What about change management? Is it ease
or is it hard? Organizational change? Even the slightest, little
itty bitty process that you want to change in your
(32:43):
organization requires considerable effort because we're creatures of habit. Same
for business, same for ourselves. Think of what you know
about change management. Think about what you know about risk management.
Think about what you know about systems. You know it
takes systems to deliver the output that you're responsible for. Systems,
(33:07):
policies and procedures, protocols, metrics. We need accountability. You can't
be successful without accountability. Part of your system must be accountability.
You can't even you can't trust your best employee to
be great all the time. What happens without accountability professionally?
(33:30):
I want you to imagine right now, in your place
of work, you've eliminated accountability. It's all gone, bye bye,
no more accountability. I trust everyone to do the right
thing the way I need them to do it. I
know you guys will figure it out. That's preposterous, right.
(33:51):
Accountability is a system. Faith can be a system, self care,
self control, self for steam. There's a number of different
ways to break down buckets that you need to pay
attention to. What systems in your life are necessary in
(34:14):
order for you to be successful long term, And everybody
has different systems. But I'll just share with you a
quick outline of the ones that I think are important
or at least must be on your list for consideration.
Direction and purpose is a system where do you want
to go? Where do you want to go? Why do
(34:35):
you want to get there? If you don't know your why,
you're going to feel like you emotionally die, and then
why where are you going? What direction do you want
to go? So direction and purpose system one risk management.
You can't run a successful business without risk management. You
need someone paying attention to the pitfalls, making sure they
(34:58):
don't happen. Sure there's a plan in place if it
does happen to mitigate the risk. Right you know that
self control might be a system controlling yourself. There's a
lot that goes into that. Mindfulness, distress, tolerance, skills, parts work,
emotional regulation, healing, childhood trauma. There's levels to this, So
(35:23):
that's another system. Self leadership may be another system for you.
How are you managing the team? Not the external team,
your family, work, community, faith, No, the internal team, your parts.
Self leadership, in fact, is one of the most important systems,
and every one of my clients I want them focusing
(35:45):
on that. Leading your parts is a thing. There are
things that you can do to lead those parts to
better outcomes. Understanding the triggers that awaken them, the thoughts
that they have, the job that they're doing, the fears.
What would happen if if I stop doing my job?
The liar says, you can't stop doing that. I can't
stop doing my job if I if I stop lying,
(36:07):
I'm gonna be abandoned. I'm gonna be rejected. People are
gonna think less of me. Well, that's already happening. Liars
not working. You have to learn to lead these parts.
That's self leadership. You have to feel good about yourself.
Self esteem. You gotta work on that. If you don't
feel good about yourself, that ain't gonna work. There's a
hole that you gotta fill. Worthless. I have worth, I
(36:30):
have value. I treat myself, I speak to myself, or
treat myself the way I want the people I love
to treat themselves. I feel about myself the way I
want people I love and care about and lead to
feel about themselves. Do you want them? I'm driving from
a place of shame. No. No. So. Self esteem is
(36:54):
a system, as is accountability. Duh, Like the what accountability
do you have on the make a habit part of
the equation. I had none, right, I don't care how
committed you are. You need accountability on the make a
(37:15):
habit part of the equation. Do you need an in business?
You need it professionally, you need it personally. So another
system might be connection. In relationships, you may have a workstream,
a focus on how well am I connecting, particularly with
my spouse, my children, people that love me, people that
(37:38):
depend on me. The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's
why say it with me? Connection. Mindfulness may be a
system for you. It may be so important to you
as it is for me. This is the say I
got to pay attention to this. I gotta make sure
that I'm practicing mindfulness, or you could lump in in
with self care. So I'm not telling you what to do.
(37:59):
I'm giving you inspiration so you can figure out what
works for you, because different people respond to different things.
Faith may be an important system to you. People who
regularly practice their faith have better life outcomes. Are you
just showing up or are you feeling it? Gratitude may
(38:19):
be another system, and of course healthy sexuality is another system.
All right, And there's a number of other ways to
position this, but just just the assignment for you listening,
What are the buckets? What are the categories that I
need to pay attention? If I'm looking down at my
life ten thousand feet right, there's the day to day stuff,
(38:42):
there's a weekly stuff. But at ten thousand feet, if
I got to report to the board, what do they
want to hear about? Like I pretend I have a
personal board of directors. Because I come from big business,
I've got that perspective and it's not always a perfect analogy,
but it helps me create that framework. Okay, if I
had a report to my personal board, whose job it
(39:03):
is is to make sure I am successful as humanly possible,
which includes taking care of myself and feeling good about
myself and managing stress and anxiety, not just do doo
doo doo doo, includes leisure and what would they want
to know about? How you doing here? How you doing here?
How you doing there? So think about that. What are
your systems? What are your systems? Now? Stopping porn is
(39:29):
ridiculously hard. I wish it wasn't. If I see another
one of these, and I don't want to quote any
one particular model twenty one days easy, this peasy that
it's ridiculously hard. As I explained earlier in this lesson,
you don't have to do it alone. You don't have
(39:51):
to feel hopeless. You can find someone out there. Maybe
it's me. Maybe you want to evaluate. And because we
have a day money return policy, say this makes sense
to me. I'm not doing these things. I'm not thinking
about these things. I haven't been focused on these things
because what you're paying for, whether it's me or someone else,
(40:12):
I believe people pay me to do three things. People
pay me my wife, my company, the therapist that works
for me, the other coaches that work for me, to
accelerate their journey. Right if I'm not moving them quicker,
I'm not doing my job. They pay me to deepen
their journey. They want to go as deep as they
(40:33):
can because that's where the identity change comes from. You
can't create identity change without understanding how you got here.
Where did this flawed, broken identity of not being good
enough comes from? They pay me to accelerate, they pay
me to deepen, and they pay us to empower them
to sustain. And you know, self help is riddled with
(41:02):
efforts to create these big, massive catharsist moments. Right, how
many of you here by a show of hands, have
been to therapy and had one of those catharsis moments
that the fireworks, But what do we know about fireworks?
They're big and powerful, but they fade and we're led
(41:23):
to believe that this emotional catharsist moment was some kind
of breakthrough. We've broken through. We're on the other side
now and everything's going to be okay. That is poundly false.
It being false does not mean it's incredibly valuable, but
it is a stepping stone. What you've done is you've
(41:45):
created a pathway for future healing and you've collected data
to manage this part. Going forward. Quick story. I have
two clients who have visited Fiji Island, who have worked
with one of the best coaches in the world, one
of the most successful coaches in the world. They walked
on calls, they were surrounded by the elite, by the experts,
(42:10):
and they set these goals for themselves that would make
you cry. I'm talking goals that would blow like it
was so they were so connected with their purpose. They
cried half the time and it was an amazing experience.
But let's fast forward three months later, and they're more
(42:36):
depressed than when they started because they hadn't achieved any
of these deep goals that they knew were them at
the fiber of their being. This is their identity, this
is their calling, and yet they're still stuck. Why because
they did not focus on systems. Now, listen, no one's
(42:58):
paying seventy five dollars dollars to go to Fiji to
focus on accountability and systems. It's not sexy, it doesn't
produce those being catharsis moment, but you know what it does.
It produces results. Sustainability is everything, and you need systems
(43:19):
to create that sustainability. Without it, you're doomed. So visit
mindfulhabithelp dot com, download our free resources, podcasts, YouTube channel,
and if you are ready, we have a program that's
(43:39):
ninety nine dollars a month with a seven day free
trial thirty day money back guarantee. We also have our
group intensive and I do a limited amount of one
on one coaching. So take back control of your life,
not just by quitting porn, but by creating the life
you deserve. The most cliche and clickbait YouTube video that
(44:02):
I've ever done in thirteen years, remains my truth. The
cure for your addiction is the aggressive pursuit of a
great life. I'm Craig Perra and this is sex afflictions
and porn addictions. It was a pleasure to spend this
time with you. Thanks for listening. I got excited a
few times today. I am obviously very passionate about these subjects.
(44:27):
Not sexy yet mission mission mission critical to you living
the life you deserve. Thanks for listening and goodbye.
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