December 11, 2024 • 52 mins
The holiday season isn’t merry for everyone. For many, it’s a time that amplifies feelings of sadness, loneliness, or grief due to death or divorce. Whether it's missing someone, feeling overwhelmed by financial or social pressures, or grappling with seasonal depression, the "holiday blues" are more common than you might think.
In this episode, we unpack the emotional struggles of the season and share practical tips for those struggling and for those in their lives to support them.
Tune in for a compassionate conversation and a reminder that it’s okay to feel how you feel even during the holidays.
www.compassionatefriends.org
www.griefnet.org
www.mygriefangels.org
https://www.yourtango.com/experts/ann-papayoti/ways-coping-loss-and-grief-during-holidays
#holidayblues #griefandhealing #copingwithloss #selfcareholidays #seasonalsadness #emotionalwellness #holidaypressure #soulcpr #youarenotalone #christmasgrief #holidaygrief #griefislove #truemeaningofchristmas
In this episode, we unpack the emotional struggles of the season and share practical tips for those struggling and for those in their lives to support them.
Tune in for a compassionate conversation and a reminder that it’s okay to feel how you feel even during the holidays.
www.compassionatefriends.org
www.griefnet.org
www.mygriefangels.org
https://www.yourtango.com/experts/ann-papayoti/ways-coping-loss-and-grief-during-holidays
#holidayblues #griefandhealing #copingwithloss #selfcareholidays #seasonalsadness #emotionalwellness #holidaypressure #soulcpr #youarenotalone #christmasgrief #holidaygrief #griefislove #truemeaningofchristmas
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Are you ready to untangle from your past, recover from
heartbreak and revive your life. This is soul CPR with
your host and Papa Yode. We've all had soul crushing
experiences and lost ourselves in our pain, but there is
a way out. On this podcast, Amazon best selling author,
award winning life coach and advice columnist and Papa Yode
(00:27):
helps us navigate the path from heartbreak to healing. So
now please welcome the host of Soul CPR and Papa Yode.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Hello everyone, and welcome to soul CPR. When you think
of the holidays, do you feel happy, sad, stressed, or
grief stricken? What is built as the most wonderful time
of the year simply isn't for all of us. Some
of us literally have the blues. Thank you for tuning
(01:01):
in today. You know, in the previous episode, we talked
about holding onto grudges like the Grinch and how that
emotional state can steal joy. And by holding a grudge,
we carry the burden of resentment which festers inside of
us and impacts our well being and changes nothing. So
(01:22):
I encourage all of us to consider what and who
is important to us and to reflect on what we
need to heal any resolved internal conflict? Is it an
apology and explanation? Are we looking to settle a score
to punish the fight, or are we willing to turn
toward them with empathy and to try to step into
(01:45):
their shoes to seek understanding? Are we willing to let
go of expectations and therefore disappointments that come along with them,
to allow ourselves to move on without the burden we've
been carrying. What will it take to open our hearts
to do so? Is it compassion like three hundred and
(02:06):
sixty degrees for ourselves and for those who heard us
healthy boundaries? Are we waiting in the holding room of
resentment for them to approach us and for them to
just know what we need and want from them? Now?
Most of us need time and space to figure this out,
(02:28):
and often some outside impartial, objective guidance. Now beyond grudges,
the holidays bring out a lot of different feelings in people,
some marry and some not. Regardless, you are not alone
and you are not necessarily a grench just because you
(02:48):
may be feeling like you cannot wait until all of
this is done with and the calendar is turned to
January tewod isn't there just a lot of pressure to
be happy during the holidays, And for some the pressure
to be happy makes them well, unhappy or stressed. From
(03:13):
joyful music to greeting cards to spoken sentiments, to work
parties to family gatherings, it can be overwhelming for any
one of us, and certainly for the introverts among us.
And if your schedule is already super busy working, parenting,
volunteering and the like, and then you add in the shopping,
(03:35):
the decorating, the socializing, the baking, the cooking, well, you know,
and if you're on a budget and trying to be
financially responsible, well, I'm going to say, please stay off
social media. Those ads pop up and down the rabbit
hole you will go and next thing you know, you
will have purchased all sorts of gadgets and products you
(03:56):
never knew you needed. It reminds me of those TBS
channel commercials when it was added to our three channel
television sets of plus TBS back in the seventies. It
had the best shows and commercials for things like the
rhyinestone stud setter. Anyone remember that anyway you can blow
(04:20):
a budget in an instant and be in debt for
the new year, quickly losing the joy of the season
when that first credit card bill arrives. And what about
depression in general, or do you feel it looming coming
in like stormy weather. Well, there's something called seasonal effective
(04:41):
disorder or the ACM SAD SAD. It's a type of
depression that's related to changes in seasons with shorter days
and less daylight, and that tends to begin and end
about the same time every year. And most people with
SAD notice symptoms starting in the f all that tend
to start resolving in the spring. Symptoms sort of remind
(05:05):
me of a bear preparing to hibernate, you know, kind
of overeating and then gaining weight, oversleeping, low energy, loss
of interest in activities, feeling sad and down about self
and life. And if you're experiencing this, please don't write
it off, Okay. According to the Mayo Clinic, it is treatable,
(05:28):
often with phototherapy, possibly added with psychotherapy and some medications.
And often it's linked to low vitamin D. So what
if it were that simple prescription vitamin D in a
sun lamp, you can create mood balance year round. So
don't suffer seasonally. Do consult with your position, And what
(05:51):
about any of the issues I've already mentioned. And add
to that someone with family problems, well, holidays tend to
make problems worse. Sibling rivalries, overbearing parents, toxic dynamics, and
the like. And if you're a single adult, well there's
(06:13):
always that relative who tries to figure out what's wrong
in your life. Right. Look, it's normal to get annoyed
by different familial dynamics and to need to slip away
for a quiet moment to kind of regroup. From time
to time, maybe offered to walk the dog, or walk yourself,
or take out the trash, whatever gives you a break
(06:34):
from what feels bad for you. Now, annoying dynamics are
one thing, but when they are truly toxic, then boundaries
should be in place before you even arrive. So don't
let the smell of your favorite pie prevent you from
honoring your boundaries, because boundaries are yours, and therefore you
(06:59):
to respect and honor. After all, Now, for people who
have actually suffered the loss of someone close to them,
let's say, through death or divorce or breakup, the holidays
can be a painful reminder of who isn't there, and
(07:22):
this leads us to holiday grief. So if you are
in a season of mourning, the holiday lights may dim
in your darkness. Right there's likely silence from those who
aren't sure what to say, and maybe there are messages
(07:45):
from others of how you should be feeling by now,
and the celebrations are going to continue around you when
you feel your world has stopped turning all together, and
there's going to be photos of happy people on social
media all while you find it difficult to find anything
(08:09):
to feel except your own personal pain and anything to
see except your personal loss and whether you're actually coping
with a death, of divorce or relationship breakup, even a
job loss. This is the time of year when many
people get the news that they've been cut from a company,
(08:34):
and this is real grief that you're going to experience.
But any significant bereavement, okay, any loss, you will grieve,
and the holidays just remind you even more intensely that
your life has changed. Now. You may have heard this
(08:57):
term holiday grief, and it just means that the holidays
tend to trigger grief more intensely like sadness and those
other difficult emotions that are associated with loss. The holidays
are such as a specific mark on the calendar right,
(09:21):
and they invoke such sensory filled memories. So think about
that sensory filled memories, sights, sounds, smells, all tied into
perhaps traditions that may have been shared are now incomplete
(09:43):
or possibly nonexistent. And then that pressure to feel festive
and to join in celebrations can be maybe at best
overwhelming and at worst devastating. And regardless of whether your
loss is recent or not, the holidays have this magical
(10:07):
way of making any loss seem recent. You know, as
I was decorating for Christmas this weekend and I was
hanging the stockings on the mantle, I had a moment
as I held the angel treetopper that my grandmother had
croucheted for me, and these memories flooded in on the
(10:27):
traditions of her spending the night at our home on
Christmas Eve, watching my brother and myself rise with the
delight at Santa having found us despite our not having
a chimney. I used to worry about that a lot,
and then my parents and my brother and I would
head to her house for Christmas Day, lunch, and the
feelings in my body, the literal pain in my chest
(10:51):
and the tightness of my throat, and the tears that
welled up in my eyes were as if she just
passed away last month. And she did pass away in November,
but it was November nineteen ninety one, So what is
that thirty three years ago? So when I think of her,
(11:12):
I can still recall her, her sweet smell when I
would kiss her cheek, and the softness of her skin,
some more sensory connection, right, But that sadness that washed
over me became this fondness and these smiles and laughter
and warmth as I remember her fondly and become grateful
(11:33):
for the time I had with her. So this is
the experience that time and healing can bring following loss.
For people with more recent loss, grief is considered acute
and the painful emotions do not typically wash over so quickly.
(11:57):
My dear friend Kara, who's husband Christian past last month
after a five year long battle with coorectal cancer, is
experience some experiencing something I would call complicated relief to
know he is no longer suffering from this insidious disease
that robbed him and them of so much, but also
(12:20):
that indescribable sorrow that he's actually gone, and that longing
to be with him. And this will be her and
their children's first Christmas without him. And while I know
from my conversations with her that she can hold both
(12:41):
joy and sorrow at the same time, I know from
my personal and professional experience that firsts are worse now
the first Christmas, I mean the first hanukkaht, or a
birthday or wedding anniversary. And it's no different for people
(13:03):
who are experiencing divorce or a significant breakup if you
still love the other person, And these sometimes can be
even harder than death, as you may see them move
on with someone new, So there may be even more
to grieve than the loss of the person in your life. Now,
(13:29):
for those of us who have lost a child, what
can I say? It isn't supposed to be that way,
is it. I've lost friends and family to death and
loves to fate, perhaps, but to lose my firstborn to
illness almost sunk me. I say this to you that
(13:54):
I understand the depths of grief. It's complications, it's punishment,
it's triggers, and what I can say about that is
that you must honor your grief and that in this
season of bright lights and celebrations and gatherings, you can
(14:15):
learn to recognize your triggers so that you can anticipate
them and brace for impact and recover more quickly. And
triggers are those unexpected jolts right that bring up uncomfortable
feelings of loss and put your emotions and what I
call this spin cycle of the washing machine. So the
(14:39):
goal is to minimize the stress reaction in your mind, body, spirit,
and ultimately your choices and therefore your consequences. So while
anything that brings up your loss and creates pain for
you is considered a trigger, there are some common triggers
(14:59):
that you can I'm familiar with as you increase your awareness.
I'm going to talk about the common triggers, but I'm
going to wait till after this first break because we're
right on the cusp of that, So don't go far
and we'll be back with more sol CPR and holiday grief.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
Mike Zorich a three time California state champion in Greco
Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike blind
sis birth was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was a
six time national placer, including two seconds, two thirds, and
two fourths. He also won the Veterans Folk Style Wrestling
(15:42):
twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In all
these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy Zorich
a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to the
stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states. Her father,
a commercial artist who shared shared his instruments with his
daughter and helped her fine tune her natural abilities, influenced
(16:05):
her decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zurich has
enjoyed a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen Saturday
mornings at twelve Eastern for the Nancy and Mike Show
for heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM Global Network.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent, but you're not sure how.
(16:43):
I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for The Caring Generation
radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings, six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships,
health wellbeing and more. Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying
Generation are on my website Pamela Dwilson dot com, plus
(17:06):
my Caregiving library. Online caregiver support programs and programs for
corporations interested in supporting working caregivers. Help, hope and support
for caregivers is here on The Carrying Generation and Pamela
Dwilson dot com.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Welcome back, everyone, and thank you for tuning in today
or listening when you are able to. We're talking about
holiday grief and the different sources of that, and we're
up to grief triggers. There are some common ones and
the whole goal is to kind of prepare for them
so you're not caught off guard. So experiencing any kind
(17:45):
of sensory stimuli that are associated with the memory of
someone you've lost or the thing you lost, and this
can even be a pet, right. Pets are like family
for so many of us. But for example, if you're
thinking of someone you've lost, if you hear a song
they sang, or what your song was you hear it
(18:07):
on the radio, or a movie you watch together, or
smelling a cologne that they loved, or like my grandmother
shoul always make these certain cookies so that smell if
I smell those cookies, anything like that that you see
when I see the Queen Anne chocolate covered cherries come
out in the stores in time for the season. That
(18:28):
was something my father always fought and put under the
tree and staid they were from Santa to each of us.
So these things can trigger grief depending on where you're
at in your journey of grief. And of course, any
milestone that's on the calendar of any kind of anniversary date,
those are like punctuation marks on your memories, right whether
(18:52):
it's a special occasion, a holiday, of course, which is
what we're in right now, their birthday, their death day,
on your divorce date, your wedding date, what might it be,
depending on the loss you're experiencing, and then of course
physically being at a place that you had experienced with
(19:12):
them or that you had planned to experience with them
can be a trigger. News of others either dying in
a similar fashion, or someone else divorcing or breaking up,
or being betrayed, or learning of who got the position
that you were like go from at the company. These
(19:32):
are going to be triggers. And oftentimes we find ourselves
exposing ourselves carelessly to information, whether it's through social media
or with friends, and sometimes we have to ask for
what we need or avoid certain situations or news outlets,
whatever it may be. But learning to recognize our triggers
(19:54):
is really all about awareness and getting to know ourselves
on an intimate level. Any people do well journaling their
grief triggers and kind of noting what corresponds between their
thoughts and their emotions and their physical responses and then
how they show up their behaviors. So when I say
thought responses, something that triggers your grief might be disbelief, confusion, preoccupation.
(20:22):
What are you dreaming about? Are you experiencing forgetfulness or restlessness?
Are you feeling the need to talk about this person
oh or this thing or the experience, the breakup, the death?
What might it be or are you avoiding talking about
it to protect other people so they don't feel uncomfortable.
(20:45):
I went through that with the death of my son.
Other people were so uncomfortable I avoided it, and then
that made me feel more uncomfortable and even guilty that
like I had not acknowledged my child. Emotional responses eastereerors
typically include like these, feelings of sadness and your guilt, anxiety, loneliness, hopelessness, shot, yearning, relief, numbness,
(21:11):
even right I said I was feeling guilty just because
I didn't speak up about him. And then physical responses.
You might feel muscle pain, intention or changes in your appetite,
your sleep, digestion energy. Some people find they clenched teeth.
That's another thing I did. Shortness of breath, tightness in
(21:32):
the chest or throat. I experienced these as well. I
ended up being diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse. I thought
I was having anxiety attacks because my heart would race
or that's flutter, it's what it felt like, nausea, headaches.
These are typical physiological responses in the body that would
correspond with these thoughts and emotional feelings. Right, and if
(21:55):
you start journaling, this, you'll start connecting what's happening with
which thing, and then the behavioral response the actions how
we show up in life. These may look like avoiding
people or yelling at people, or stopping activities that once
brought joy, or maybe even pretending to be okay, or
(22:20):
giving up on goals and objectives, or losing interest in
things that used to motivate you, including self care basics.
So sometimes we have to go backward before we can
move forward, and we for example, we have to start
noticing something that's out of the ordinary, a behavior that's
(22:46):
actually a reaction to the stress you're feeling from the trigger.
So I've got five steps to help you recognize your
great triggers that I want to share with you. And
this is from an article that I wrote for your
Tango and this link will be in the show notes
if you want to read the full article at some point.
But ask yourself a series of questions about your behaviors
(23:07):
and observe yourself from a place of non judgment, and
the question like how am I showing up or not
showing up in life? That looks like a stress reaction.
And the second one is then connect that physical feeling
to what's happening? What is the feeling in my body
when I show up this way? So start with the behaviors.
Sometimes we've got to go backwards. What am I doing
(23:30):
that's out of the ordinary? What am I feeling in
my body when I show up this way?
Speaker 4 (23:35):
Now?
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Number three, name the emotion that goes with that. What
am I really feeling emotionally when I show up for
life this way or don't show up? And then fourth,
ask yourself about your thought processes. What exactly am I
thinking when all of this is happening? What's behind all
of this? Finally pin down the actual source of the
(24:00):
Greek trigger? What happened, When did it happen, where was
I at, who was involved? Why did it remind me
of my loss? Once you recognize your triggers, you can
plan ahead to cope with them, rather than just anticipate
them with fear or let them blindside you. When that
date on the calendar arrives, be prepared with something more uplifting.
(24:27):
An avoidance may seem like the answer at first, but
it's just another type of internal conflict, and it's not
the same thing as coping. Avoidance is not coping. I
would encourage you to celebrate their life and your love
(24:48):
for them is. If this is a death in a
way that promotes your healing, you can invite friends and
family to talk and share favorite memories and laughter. And
if it's divorce or a breakup, ask yourself, what did
you learn about yourself in this time? What memory do
(25:09):
you want to hold on too? And what do you
need to let go of now? If it's a death,
do something for someone else in your loved one's memory.
You can't help but help yourself. When you help someone else,
step outside of your pain. I promise it feels good.
(25:30):
There's been suggestions from people to write a letter to
your loved one and share with them how you've grown
through your grief because they were in your life, and
include a favorite memory, and you make this a euch
tradition for yourself and then look at it year after
year or on that anniversary date whatever the punctuation mark
(25:53):
is for you and see really how much you grow
year to year. Now, those are expected triggers, right, these
calendar dates, holidays, etc. What about the unexpected grief triggers
that you really can't plan for. You're in the grocery
store and this song comes on over the speaker really
(26:15):
can't plan for that. You got to remember what you know.
Because you've loved, You've also heard grief is love. Remind
yourself that the pain you feel in the moment of
the trigger is because you have also loved. And then
(26:38):
with that conscious awareness, conjure up a happy memory, a
grateful breath and let the tears. Allow yourself to feel
the emotion that comes up, acknowledge it, and release it
with the awareness of knowing why you feel it. Love
and choose to now love yourself through that pain. If possible,
(27:06):
have a safe place to go or someone trusted to call.
You know, a safe place to escape to, and we
can all do this at least mentally choosing a calm location,
your happy place, whether it's the beach, or the mountains
or the lakeside. You know how that commercial calglin take
(27:27):
me away, Have that place and esape there. Mentally, connect
to your senses and take a mental vacation. This is
a real mindfulness meditation exercise. And while using conscious breathing
to calm your nervous system inhaling through your nose, exhiling
(27:49):
through your mouth at a slower rate, focus in your
mind's eye on the sensory connection the site, the sounds,
that smells, the tastes and theres of this place, and
this exercise will bring you out of your stress reaction
and into a calm, relaxed state. There will always be
(28:11):
something to remind you of your losses in life, but
as you grow your awareness and recognition and in preparedness,
and when you cooperate with time as a gift and healer,
your grief triggers can become a positive reminder of your
(28:35):
loved one. As I described my experience with the crocheted
angel my grandmother made me. After all, you never want
to forget them. Consider choosing a beautiful memory or a
photo to see in your mind's eye and to embrace
when a trigger is set in motion, and you'll feel
(28:56):
gratitude and love in place of all that previously haunted you.
And if this is divorce instead, whether you chose it
or not choose you now grieve the loss. And sometimes
it's more than the person. It's the dream of what
should have been or could have been. And sometimes you
(29:19):
need that space and time to simply get in touch
with you again, independent of the relationship that you spent,
whether it was months, years, or decades in it's a
true loss. For some of you, it's your first big
loss in life. Give yourself the grace and the space
(29:42):
to heal it. If you are the person in someone's
life who's going through a loss during the holidays, please
be aware of their circumstance. Let them know it's okay
that they're not okay right now, that if they need
(30:04):
to talk, that you're willing to listen. Try not to
give guidance unsolicited. Do be open, Do invite them to socialize. Oh,
let them know it's okay to just say no if
they're not ready. Other things I would say is just yeah,
(30:29):
really don't have expectations of them, So just allowing them
again that space and grace. I think one word they
need to hear is that it's okay to be selfish
as well, which because so a lot of people that
I hear in my practices, I feel selfish to not
go share in my famili's this or my friends that.
(30:52):
So please support them in that way. Let them know
that during this time of their healing, it's absolutely okay
that you there for them in any way they need. Okay,
it's time for our second break, don't go far. We'll
be back with more soulcpre.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Doctor RC will share extraordinary resources and services that promote
educational success as well as making a difference in the
lives of all social workers as well as the lives
of children, adolescents and teens of today. She will have
open discussions addressing many of the issues that we face
about our youth and how being employed in the uniquely
skilled profession of social work for over eighteen years has
(31:36):
taught invaluable lessons through her personal experiences. She will also
provide real life facts, examples, and personal stories that will
confirm that why serving as a child advocate is extremely
beneficial when addressing the needs of the whole child. Listen
Live to Dare to Soar Saturdays ten am Eastern on
the BBM Global Network and tune in radio as doctor
(31:59):
RC will provide thought provoking information that will empower, encourage
and strengthen students, families and communities across our nation. You
can also visit her at Soarwithkatie dot Com. Author, radio
show host and coach John M. Hawkins reveals strategies to
(32:19):
help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity, achieve goals. John M.
Hawkins' new book Coached to Greatness Unlock Your Full Potential
with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe, Hawkins reveals strategies
to help readers accomplish more. He believes the book can
coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that the best athletes
(32:42):
get to the top of their sport with the help
of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares guidance that helps
readers reflect on what motivates them. We discover and assess
their core values, philosophies and competencies, find settings that allow
them to be the most productive, and track their progress
towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John hawkins My Strategy Saturdays
(33:06):
one pm Easter on the BBM Global Network and tune
in radio.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
And we're back. Thank you for tuning into sol CPR
Here on Bold Brave TV. I'm Ann Papaotti and we
are talking about holiday grief. The holidays are a time
when people typically reflect on the previous year and are
supposed to find things to be thankful for for the
most part, and sometimes that's just hard. So despite all
(33:36):
festive intentions, not everyone's holidays are full of warm family
memories or a sense of community. How are you coping
this season? What may be making you feel blue? Is
there a loss you're having to cope with this holiday season? No,
coping is an interesting word. It implies more than surviving,
(33:57):
at least one step more, shall we say, we start
actually figuring out how to deal with challenges we encounter,
and we do so in a manner that's thoughtful and
in the least adequate. So perhaps it means we can
successfully rise to the occasion and manage through, even if
it's a struggle on some level. So managing grief during
(34:22):
the holidays. From my own experience with loss, I created
seven strategies, and I believe this might be in a
your Tango article that I'm sharing the show notes. If not,
it's in a blog on my website, which we'll give
you at the end of the show as well. But no,
as a knowledge, No, you're no in Oh, you don't
(34:45):
have to be the life of the party. Okay, So
whatever you're coping with again, job, loss, divorce, break up,
making a decision about a relationship or in the worst
case death, No you're no, don't have to be the
lacke of the party or even an attendant whether it's
online or in person, give yourself permission to be in
(35:08):
a stage of grief that simply isn't ready. If your
friends and family don't understand, they haven't experienced what you're
going through, and that's okay. In fact, that's good because
they haven't experienced it right And it's okay for you
(35:28):
to not do what's good for everyone else. Do what's
good for you. What do you believe you need right now?
Say yes to that and know to the rest You
empower yourself when you recognize and claim your power of
(35:48):
choice and honor your personal limits. Don't be pressured to
do what others believe you should be doing right now.
Grief however you want to, however you need to. Grieving
(36:08):
is very personal, just like loving is. As we said before,
grief is love. You're allowed to grieve on your own
timeline and in your own way. Remember it is a process,
not an event, so there's no set time to start
or end, no right way or wrong way. You'll learn
(36:30):
that there are better ways than others for you. But
take the pressure off. Just be careful of the temptation.
I'd say to numb your pain with what I call
the over behaviors like over drinking, overeating, overspending, over netflix binging,
(36:52):
whatever it may be, overworking. Obviously, some that I just
mentioned are more detrimental to to our health than others,
Some to our finances, some to our productivity, but all
of them to our life balance. Another one is to
limit social media. And I say this because why pour
(37:14):
salt into an open wound? If seeing smiling faces and
people rocking around the Christmas tree reminds you of what
you will not have in your life this year, don't
look while we're all happy for others if we're mourning.
Too much of another person's good thing can keep us
(37:34):
stuck in thoughts of our own bad things or missing things.
But know that this time will pass. This is temporary
in your life, even though it feels so permanent. Eventually
your wound will become a scar. If you nurture it
(37:57):
and allow it to heal. Once it has, we'll be
able to celebrate others without being so vulnerable to inflicting
more pain on yourself. Another one is to relish your
favorite holiday traditions. And what I mean is, don't lose
more than you already have. Try to maintain what's sentimental.
(38:21):
And special for you on some level. Let go of
traditions you never enjoyed anyway, most of us have a
few of those. You may get emotional, so you know,
have some tissues and chocolates around on hand or cookies.
It's okay, but hold on to something and at the
(38:46):
same time, I'm going to add to that create some
new traditions. Life has changed, that is the reality. The
holidays have changed. So you may find yourself also grieving
the loss of the tradition, just as you're greeting the
loss of a relationship a dream of how it was
supposed to be. But rather than feeling like you're missing
(39:10):
out or dreading something, what can you do differently and
embrace it as a new tradition in your new reality.
Is there something that you've always wanted to do but
haven't done yet? And take care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually,
(39:33):
move your body, challenge your mind, feeds your spirit. Perhaps
past holidays were busy and a bit like seasonal fruitcake,
a little bit of every three thing thrown in together.
Take a real holiday, the old English origin of the
compound word holiday are holy and today, so perhaps dismissing
(40:01):
the commercialism and frantic scheduling that may have been part
of your previous experience will allow you to reconnect to
the core meaning of the season for yourself. For yourself
and maybe now you can say it's really time for
reflection and relaxation and renewal. And lastly, forgive yourself and others.
(40:30):
If someone hasn't experienced what you're going through, they likely
will not know what to say. Stay the wrong thing
with all the right intentions. And remember that anyone, anything
anyone says or does, or doesn't say or doesn't do,
it's about them, their fears, or their insecurities or their beliefs.
(40:52):
So try to accept it as such and forgive them
in your heart and in your mind. And while you're
at it, forgive your for whatever expectation you had of
yourself that you haven't been able to meet. Just yet.
When it comes to grief and the holidays, you're going
through a time of morning. You will arrive at the
(41:16):
other side or healing and acceptance and living continues. And
as Snoopy says, keep looking up. That's the secret to life.
I quote Snoopy in the chapter titled The Gift of
Charlie Brown in My co authored book, The Gift of Shift,
and I share my experience with grief and the loss
(41:37):
of my firstborn son in that chapter. And I'm going
to read an excerpt for you now. Burying your child
commands a response of why me, Why my son? Why
my daughter? It challenges even the strongest in faith yielding
doubts of any deity. I write this from a place
(41:59):
of knowing my firstborn child, a son I named Jansen,
passed away in infancy. A love grief cycle is far
from linear. It is something like the spin cycle in
a washing machine, whipping rapidly one direction and then another,
before leaving you rung out to dry. I believe no
one reading this would judge or fault me for having
(42:20):
been stuck like a sock in the washer door gasket.
I was stuck in helplessness, despair, self imposed social isolation,
and self pity. No one likely would blame me for
having blamed myself, his father, the doctors and nurses, or
even God. No one would judge me for wanting to
(42:41):
die so that I could be with my son. But
would anyone truly understand? I would hope not, because that
would mean that they too had lost a child. I
believe there is an opportunity offered to us, an invisible
hand perhaps to grab hold up, to help us climb
out of those in describable depths of grief. It comes
(43:02):
in various forms and in opportunities to turn our pain
into purpose, to give meaning to the loss, and to
create something good from something so tragic. It is something
that motivates us to look up rather than down. And
when we do, there is light. At first squint we
turn away, until at last we stand facing it, even
(43:26):
basking in it. The catastrophe Schultz pinned for Charlie Brown
were far less significant than losing a child. In his
featured stories, Charlie Brown would experience something hurtful and be
stuck in his pain in negative thinking until something or
someone offered him that opportunity to look up. I can't
(43:48):
help but think of how Linus, in Schultz's animated television
special based on the Peanuts comic strip a Charlie Brown Christmas,
stepped into the spotlight to share the true story of Christmas,
capturing Charlie's attention and turning him away from his personal
experience and toward a greater meaning. When Linus finishes speaking,
(44:10):
Charlie Brown picks up his little tree and steps outside.
He looks up at the dark sky full of twinkling stars.
He finally feels happy down inside, the way Christmas is
supposed to make you feel. The hand that I grabbed
hold of was a chance to seet a conference for
(44:31):
resident pediatricians and pediatric surgeons where I shared my family's story.
It was then that I felt a shift in the
core of my being, releasing guilt and blame, sadness, and fear.
In that moment, Jansen's life was given purpose and meaning
because his story would be carried in the hearts and
minds of these doctors and benefit the children in their
(44:53):
care throughout their careers. His story would indirectly touch families
for years to come. You see, my grief, my pain
turned into purpose that.
Speaker 4 (45:04):
Day because I let go of the expectation and my
belief that my imperfect child, my sick child, and my
grief that I would not get to mother him for.
Speaker 2 (45:23):
My entire life was different than the expectation of what
it's supposed to be right, that I had mothered him
for a purpose, and that his life had meaning as
short as it was. Just like Charlie Brown's little tree
(45:46):
was imperfectly perfect. So was my child and my experience's motherhood,
and I reframed what motherhood meant as Charlie Brown did Christmas.
Thank you for allowing me to share that we're going
to take our final break. We come back. Closing thoughts
on holiday creef.
Speaker 3 (46:07):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure how?
(46:27):
I'm Pamela D Wilson. Join me for the Carrying Generation
radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings, six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships, health, wellbeing,
and more. Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying Generation are
on my website, Pameladewilson dot com, plus my caregiving library
(46:52):
online caregiver support programs and programs for corporations interested in
supporting working caregivers. Help, hope and support for caregiver is
here on the Carrying Generation and Pamela Dwilson dot com.
Speaker 1 (47:06):
Mike Zorich a three time California state champion in Greco
Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike blind
six birth, was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was a
six time national placer, including two seconds, two thirds, and
two fourths. He also won the Veteran's Folk Style Wrestling
(47:26):
twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In all
these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy Zorich
a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to the
stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states. Her father,
a commercial artist, who shared his instruments with his daughter
and helped her fine tune her natural abilities, influenced her
(47:49):
decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zorich has enjoyed
a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen Saturday mornings
at twelve Eastern for the Nancy and Mike Shit for
heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM Global Network.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
Thank you again for joining me today. You know grief
is a natural response to the death of someone you
loved or the loss of someone or something important to you.
An array of feelings and reacts can be intense and
extreme early on following loss. For most, this will wane
(48:30):
over time with the community of support or tools for
stress management, emotional awareness, self care, and the ability to
shift to a focus on gratitude. And for others, grief
can be prolonged and negatively impact physical and mental health,
as well as relationships and productivity. So recognize for yourself
(48:54):
if grief has become something of a constant companion. Grief
left unresolved can get stuck like a sock in that
wash your door gasket, destined to be spun and wrung
over and over again. If you feel stuck in grief
and pain and your life is being adversely affected yet
(49:14):
you desire to move forward but can't seem to find
the way, reach out That just may be the next
best step for you to anyone, to me, or any
professional that may understand your pain and be able to
help you. And some other resources that I recommend are
the Compassionate Friends and that's Compassionatefriends dot org is their
(49:38):
website or griefnet dot org and for a more extensive
list of resources, you can visit my Griefangels dot org
and these resources will be in the show notes as well,
and there will be links to your Tango articles on
holiday grief. And my website is well I think I
(50:01):
have a blog on grief or to their skyview Coaching
dot com and you can read more about how I
experienced grief in the loss of my son Janssen in
the chapter titled The Gift of Charlie Brown and my
co authored book The Gift of Shift, which is available
from Amazon. You'll find a link to that also from
(50:22):
my website skybecaching dot com. Now, my wish for all
who are grieving or experiencing holiday blues in any form
or fashion, or are dealing with depression and the holidays
compound it, or any type of loss right is that
(50:47):
you embrace this this holiday season. If you're grieving, embrace
your grief, but that you also wrap yourself in hope,
that you create meaning and find purpose and look up
to see opportunity. And if you're not grieving and you're
or going through any of those other experiences that impact
your ability to find joy in the holidays. If you're
(51:08):
actually feeling merry and bright, God bless but let us
not forget those who are struggling at this time of year.
Being respectful and understanding and lovingly present is the best
holiday gift we can give them. It may we all
be grateful for respectful and kind to one another this
(51:29):
holiday season and every day. So as this episode of
soul CPR comes to a close, remember that healing is
not a linear journey, but rather a process of profound transformation.
And if today's episode resonated with you, then please share
the podcast with those who might need a lifeline of
their own. Subscribe, rate and leave a review to help
(51:51):
us reach more hearts. You can connect with me on
social media on Facebook, it sets Skyview coaching on Instagram,
LinkedIn and x at n papaote. Let me know your thoughts,
your stories, and the topics you'd like to explore in
future episodes. And until next time. Now you find strength
in your vulnerability and courage in your journey. I thank
(52:13):
you for listening. Breathe deeply, love openly, and live sulfully.
Good day.
Speaker 1 (52:21):
This has been soul CPR with host and Papa Yode
breathe life back into your spirit with each episode, where
she and special guests explore the relationships that hurt us
and discover that healing can only begin with you. Tuesdays
at three pm Eastern on the Bold Brave TV Network.
Are you ready to untangle from your past, recover from
heartbreak and revive your life. This is soul CPR with
your host and Papa Yode. We've all had soul crushing
experiences and lost ourselves in our pain, but there is
a way out. On this podcast, Amazon best selling author,
award winning life coach and advice columnist and Papa Yode
(00:27):
helps us navigate the path from heartbreak to healing. So
now please welcome the host of Soul CPR and Papa Yode.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Hello everyone, and welcome to soul CPR. When you think
of the holidays, do you feel happy, sad, stressed, or
grief stricken? What is built as the most wonderful time
of the year simply isn't for all of us. Some
of us literally have the blues. Thank you for tuning
(01:01):
in today. You know, in the previous episode, we talked
about holding onto grudges like the Grinch and how that
emotional state can steal joy. And by holding a grudge,
we carry the burden of resentment which festers inside of
us and impacts our well being and changes nothing. So
(01:22):
I encourage all of us to consider what and who
is important to us and to reflect on what we
need to heal any resolved internal conflict? Is it an
apology and explanation? Are we looking to settle a score
to punish the fight, or are we willing to turn
toward them with empathy and to try to step into
(01:45):
their shoes to seek understanding? Are we willing to let
go of expectations and therefore disappointments that come along with them,
to allow ourselves to move on without the burden we've
been carrying. What will it take to open our hearts
to do so? Is it compassion like three hundred and
(02:06):
sixty degrees for ourselves and for those who heard us
healthy boundaries? Are we waiting in the holding room of
resentment for them to approach us and for them to
just know what we need and want from them? Now?
Most of us need time and space to figure this out,
(02:28):
and often some outside impartial, objective guidance. Now beyond grudges,
the holidays bring out a lot of different feelings in people,
some marry and some not. Regardless, you are not alone
and you are not necessarily a grench just because you
(02:48):
may be feeling like you cannot wait until all of
this is done with and the calendar is turned to
January tewod isn't there just a lot of pressure to
be happy during the holidays, And for some the pressure
to be happy makes them well, unhappy or stressed. From
(03:13):
joyful music to greeting cards to spoken sentiments, to work
parties to family gatherings, it can be overwhelming for any
one of us, and certainly for the introverts among us.
And if your schedule is already super busy working, parenting,
volunteering and the like, and then you add in the shopping,
(03:35):
the decorating, the socializing, the baking, the cooking, well, you know,
and if you're on a budget and trying to be
financially responsible, well, I'm going to say, please stay off
social media. Those ads pop up and down the rabbit
hole you will go and next thing you know, you
will have purchased all sorts of gadgets and products you
(03:56):
never knew you needed. It reminds me of those TBS
channel commercials when it was added to our three channel
television sets of plus TBS back in the seventies. It
had the best shows and commercials for things like the
rhyinestone stud setter. Anyone remember that anyway you can blow
(04:20):
a budget in an instant and be in debt for
the new year, quickly losing the joy of the season
when that first credit card bill arrives. And what about
depression in general, or do you feel it looming coming
in like stormy weather. Well, there's something called seasonal effective
(04:41):
disorder or the ACM SAD SAD. It's a type of
depression that's related to changes in seasons with shorter days
and less daylight, and that tends to begin and end
about the same time every year. And most people with
SAD notice symptoms starting in the f all that tend
to start resolving in the spring. Symptoms sort of remind
(05:05):
me of a bear preparing to hibernate, you know, kind
of overeating and then gaining weight, oversleeping, low energy, loss
of interest in activities, feeling sad and down about self
and life. And if you're experiencing this, please don't write
it off, Okay. According to the Mayo Clinic, it is treatable,
(05:28):
often with phototherapy, possibly added with psychotherapy and some medications.
And often it's linked to low vitamin D. So what
if it were that simple prescription vitamin D in a
sun lamp, you can create mood balance year round. So
don't suffer seasonally. Do consult with your position, And what
(05:51):
about any of the issues I've already mentioned. And add
to that someone with family problems, well, holidays tend to
make problems worse. Sibling rivalries, overbearing parents, toxic dynamics, and
the like. And if you're a single adult, well there's
(06:13):
always that relative who tries to figure out what's wrong
in your life. Right. Look, it's normal to get annoyed
by different familial dynamics and to need to slip away
for a quiet moment to kind of regroup. From time
to time, maybe offered to walk the dog, or walk yourself,
or take out the trash, whatever gives you a break
(06:34):
from what feels bad for you. Now, annoying dynamics are
one thing, but when they are truly toxic, then boundaries
should be in place before you even arrive. So don't
let the smell of your favorite pie prevent you from
honoring your boundaries, because boundaries are yours, and therefore you
(06:59):
to respect and honor. After all, Now, for people who
have actually suffered the loss of someone close to them,
let's say, through death or divorce or breakup, the holidays
can be a painful reminder of who isn't there, and
(07:22):
this leads us to holiday grief. So if you are
in a season of mourning, the holiday lights may dim
in your darkness. Right there's likely silence from those who
aren't sure what to say, and maybe there are messages
(07:45):
from others of how you should be feeling by now,
and the celebrations are going to continue around you when
you feel your world has stopped turning all together, and
there's going to be photos of happy people on social
media all while you find it difficult to find anything
(08:09):
to feel except your own personal pain and anything to
see except your personal loss and whether you're actually coping
with a death, of divorce or relationship breakup, even a
job loss. This is the time of year when many
people get the news that they've been cut from a company,
(08:34):
and this is real grief that you're going to experience.
But any significant bereavement, okay, any loss, you will grieve,
and the holidays just remind you even more intensely that
your life has changed. Now. You may have heard this
(08:57):
term holiday grief, and it just means that the holidays
tend to trigger grief more intensely like sadness and those
other difficult emotions that are associated with loss. The holidays
are such as a specific mark on the calendar right,
(09:21):
and they invoke such sensory filled memories. So think about
that sensory filled memories, sights, sounds, smells, all tied into
perhaps traditions that may have been shared are now incomplete
(09:43):
or possibly nonexistent. And then that pressure to feel festive
and to join in celebrations can be maybe at best
overwhelming and at worst devastating. And regardless of whether your
loss is recent or not, the holidays have this magical
(10:07):
way of making any loss seem recent. You know, as
I was decorating for Christmas this weekend and I was
hanging the stockings on the mantle, I had a moment
as I held the angel treetopper that my grandmother had
croucheted for me, and these memories flooded in on the
(10:27):
traditions of her spending the night at our home on
Christmas Eve, watching my brother and myself rise with the
delight at Santa having found us despite our not having
a chimney. I used to worry about that a lot,
and then my parents and my brother and I would
head to her house for Christmas Day, lunch, and the
feelings in my body, the literal pain in my chest
(10:51):
and the tightness of my throat, and the tears that
welled up in my eyes were as if she just
passed away last month. And she did pass away in November,
but it was November nineteen ninety one, So what is
that thirty three years ago? So when I think of her,
(11:12):
I can still recall her, her sweet smell when I
would kiss her cheek, and the softness of her skin,
some more sensory connection, right, But that sadness that washed
over me became this fondness and these smiles and laughter
and warmth as I remember her fondly and become grateful
(11:33):
for the time I had with her. So this is
the experience that time and healing can bring following loss.
For people with more recent loss, grief is considered acute
and the painful emotions do not typically wash over so quickly.
(11:57):
My dear friend Kara, who's husband Christian past last month
after a five year long battle with coorectal cancer, is
experience some experiencing something I would call complicated relief to
know he is no longer suffering from this insidious disease
that robbed him and them of so much, but also
(12:20):
that indescribable sorrow that he's actually gone, and that longing
to be with him. And this will be her and
their children's first Christmas without him. And while I know
from my conversations with her that she can hold both
(12:41):
joy and sorrow at the same time, I know from
my personal and professional experience that firsts are worse now
the first Christmas, I mean the first hanukkaht, or a
birthday or wedding anniversary. And it's no different for people
(13:03):
who are experiencing divorce or a significant breakup if you
still love the other person, And these sometimes can be
even harder than death, as you may see them move
on with someone new, So there may be even more
to grieve than the loss of the person in your life. Now,
(13:29):
for those of us who have lost a child, what
can I say? It isn't supposed to be that way,
is it. I've lost friends and family to death and
loves to fate, perhaps, but to lose my firstborn to
illness almost sunk me. I say this to you that
(13:54):
I understand the depths of grief. It's complications, it's punishment,
it's triggers, and what I can say about that is
that you must honor your grief and that in this
season of bright lights and celebrations and gatherings, you can
(14:15):
learn to recognize your triggers so that you can anticipate
them and brace for impact and recover more quickly. And
triggers are those unexpected jolts right that bring up uncomfortable
feelings of loss and put your emotions and what I
call this spin cycle of the washing machine. So the
(14:39):
goal is to minimize the stress reaction in your mind, body, spirit,
and ultimately your choices and therefore your consequences. So while
anything that brings up your loss and creates pain for
you is considered a trigger, there are some common triggers
(14:59):
that you can I'm familiar with as you increase your awareness.
I'm going to talk about the common triggers, but I'm
going to wait till after this first break because we're
right on the cusp of that, So don't go far
and we'll be back with more sol CPR and holiday grief.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
Mike Zorich a three time California state champion in Greco
Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike blind
sis birth was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was a
six time national placer, including two seconds, two thirds, and
two fourths. He also won the Veterans Folk Style Wrestling
(15:42):
twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In all
these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy Zorich
a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to the
stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states. Her father,
a commercial artist who shared shared his instruments with his
daughter and helped her fine tune her natural abilities, influenced
(16:05):
her decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zurich has
enjoyed a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen Saturday
mornings at twelve Eastern for the Nancy and Mike Show
for heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM Global Network.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent, but you're not sure how.
(16:43):
I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for The Caring Generation
radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings, six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships,
health wellbeing and more. Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying
Generation are on my website Pamela Dwilson dot com, plus
(17:06):
my Caregiving library. Online caregiver support programs and programs for
corporations interested in supporting working caregivers. Help, hope and support
for caregivers is here on The Carrying Generation and Pamela
Dwilson dot com.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Welcome back, everyone, and thank you for tuning in today
or listening when you are able to. We're talking about
holiday grief and the different sources of that, and we're
up to grief triggers. There are some common ones and
the whole goal is to kind of prepare for them
so you're not caught off guard. So experiencing any kind
(17:45):
of sensory stimuli that are associated with the memory of
someone you've lost or the thing you lost, and this
can even be a pet, right. Pets are like family
for so many of us. But for example, if you're
thinking of someone you've lost, if you hear a song
they sang, or what your song was you hear it
(18:07):
on the radio, or a movie you watch together, or
smelling a cologne that they loved, or like my grandmother
shoul always make these certain cookies so that smell if
I smell those cookies, anything like that that you see
when I see the Queen Anne chocolate covered cherries come
out in the stores in time for the season. That
(18:28):
was something my father always fought and put under the
tree and staid they were from Santa to each of us.
So these things can trigger grief depending on where you're
at in your journey of grief. And of course, any
milestone that's on the calendar of any kind of anniversary date,
those are like punctuation marks on your memories, right whether
(18:52):
it's a special occasion, a holiday, of course, which is
what we're in right now, their birthday, their death day,
on your divorce date, your wedding date, what might it be,
depending on the loss you're experiencing, and then of course
physically being at a place that you had experienced with
(19:12):
them or that you had planned to experience with them
can be a trigger. News of others either dying in
a similar fashion, or someone else divorcing or breaking up,
or being betrayed, or learning of who got the position
that you were like go from at the company. These
(19:32):
are going to be triggers. And oftentimes we find ourselves
exposing ourselves carelessly to information, whether it's through social media
or with friends, and sometimes we have to ask for
what we need or avoid certain situations or news outlets,
whatever it may be. But learning to recognize our triggers
(19:54):
is really all about awareness and getting to know ourselves
on an intimate level. Any people do well journaling their
grief triggers and kind of noting what corresponds between their
thoughts and their emotions and their physical responses and then
how they show up their behaviors. So when I say
thought responses, something that triggers your grief might be disbelief, confusion, preoccupation.
(20:22):
What are you dreaming about? Are you experiencing forgetfulness or restlessness?
Are you feeling the need to talk about this person
oh or this thing or the experience, the breakup, the death?
What might it be or are you avoiding talking about
it to protect other people so they don't feel uncomfortable.
(20:45):
I went through that with the death of my son.
Other people were so uncomfortable I avoided it, and then
that made me feel more uncomfortable and even guilty that
like I had not acknowledged my child. Emotional responses eastereerors
typically include like these, feelings of sadness and your guilt, anxiety, loneliness, hopelessness, shot, yearning, relief, numbness,
(21:11):
even right I said I was feeling guilty just because
I didn't speak up about him. And then physical responses.
You might feel muscle pain, intention or changes in your appetite,
your sleep, digestion energy. Some people find they clenched teeth.
That's another thing I did. Shortness of breath, tightness in
(21:32):
the chest or throat. I experienced these as well. I
ended up being diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse. I thought
I was having anxiety attacks because my heart would race
or that's flutter, it's what it felt like, nausea, headaches.
These are typical physiological responses in the body that would
correspond with these thoughts and emotional feelings. Right, and if
(21:55):
you start journaling, this, you'll start connecting what's happening with
which thing, and then the behavioral response the actions how
we show up in life. These may look like avoiding
people or yelling at people, or stopping activities that once
brought joy, or maybe even pretending to be okay, or
(22:20):
giving up on goals and objectives, or losing interest in
things that used to motivate you, including self care basics.
So sometimes we have to go backward before we can
move forward, and we for example, we have to start
noticing something that's out of the ordinary, a behavior that's
(22:46):
actually a reaction to the stress you're feeling from the trigger.
So I've got five steps to help you recognize your
great triggers that I want to share with you. And
this is from an article that I wrote for your
Tango and this link will be in the show notes
if you want to read the full article at some point.
But ask yourself a series of questions about your behaviors
(23:07):
and observe yourself from a place of non judgment, and
the question like how am I showing up or not
showing up in life? That looks like a stress reaction.
And the second one is then connect that physical feeling
to what's happening? What is the feeling in my body
when I show up this way? So start with the behaviors.
Sometimes we've got to go backwards. What am I doing
(23:30):
that's out of the ordinary? What am I feeling in
my body when I show up this way?
Speaker 4 (23:35):
Now?
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Number three, name the emotion that goes with that. What
am I really feeling emotionally when I show up for
life this way or don't show up? And then fourth,
ask yourself about your thought processes. What exactly am I
thinking when all of this is happening? What's behind all
of this? Finally pin down the actual source of the
(24:00):
Greek trigger? What happened, When did it happen, where was
I at, who was involved? Why did it remind me
of my loss? Once you recognize your triggers, you can
plan ahead to cope with them, rather than just anticipate
them with fear or let them blindside you. When that
date on the calendar arrives, be prepared with something more uplifting.
(24:27):
An avoidance may seem like the answer at first, but
it's just another type of internal conflict, and it's not
the same thing as coping. Avoidance is not coping. I
would encourage you to celebrate their life and your love
(24:48):
for them is. If this is a death in a
way that promotes your healing, you can invite friends and
family to talk and share favorite memories and laughter. And
if it's divorce or a breakup, ask yourself, what did
you learn about yourself in this time? What memory do
(25:09):
you want to hold on too? And what do you
need to let go of now? If it's a death,
do something for someone else in your loved one's memory.
You can't help but help yourself. When you help someone else,
step outside of your pain. I promise it feels good.
(25:30):
There's been suggestions from people to write a letter to
your loved one and share with them how you've grown
through your grief because they were in your life, and
include a favorite memory, and you make this a euch
tradition for yourself and then look at it year after
year or on that anniversary date whatever the punctuation mark
(25:53):
is for you and see really how much you grow
year to year. Now, those are expected triggers, right, these
calendar dates, holidays, etc. What about the unexpected grief triggers
that you really can't plan for. You're in the grocery
store and this song comes on over the speaker really
(26:15):
can't plan for that. You got to remember what you know.
Because you've loved, You've also heard grief is love. Remind
yourself that the pain you feel in the moment of
the trigger is because you have also loved. And then
(26:38):
with that conscious awareness, conjure up a happy memory, a
grateful breath and let the tears. Allow yourself to feel
the emotion that comes up, acknowledge it, and release it
with the awareness of knowing why you feel it. Love
and choose to now love yourself through that pain. If possible,
(27:06):
have a safe place to go or someone trusted to call.
You know, a safe place to escape to, and we
can all do this at least mentally choosing a calm location,
your happy place, whether it's the beach, or the mountains
or the lakeside. You know how that commercial calglin take
(27:27):
me away, Have that place and esape there. Mentally, connect
to your senses and take a mental vacation. This is
a real mindfulness meditation exercise. And while using conscious breathing
to calm your nervous system inhaling through your nose, exhiling
(27:49):
through your mouth at a slower rate, focus in your
mind's eye on the sensory connection the site, the sounds,
that smells, the tastes and theres of this place, and
this exercise will bring you out of your stress reaction
and into a calm, relaxed state. There will always be
(28:11):
something to remind you of your losses in life, but
as you grow your awareness and recognition and in preparedness,
and when you cooperate with time as a gift and healer,
your grief triggers can become a positive reminder of your
(28:35):
loved one. As I described my experience with the crocheted
angel my grandmother made me. After all, you never want
to forget them. Consider choosing a beautiful memory or a
photo to see in your mind's eye and to embrace
when a trigger is set in motion, and you'll feel
(28:56):
gratitude and love in place of all that previously haunted you.
And if this is divorce instead, whether you chose it
or not choose you now grieve the loss. And sometimes
it's more than the person. It's the dream of what
should have been or could have been. And sometimes you
(29:19):
need that space and time to simply get in touch
with you again, independent of the relationship that you spent,
whether it was months, years, or decades in it's a
true loss. For some of you, it's your first big
loss in life. Give yourself the grace and the space
(29:42):
to heal it. If you are the person in someone's
life who's going through a loss during the holidays, please
be aware of their circumstance. Let them know it's okay
that they're not okay right now, that if they need
(30:04):
to talk, that you're willing to listen. Try not to
give guidance unsolicited. Do be open, Do invite them to socialize. Oh,
let them know it's okay to just say no if
they're not ready. Other things I would say is just yeah,
(30:29):
really don't have expectations of them, So just allowing them
again that space and grace. I think one word they
need to hear is that it's okay to be selfish
as well, which because so a lot of people that
I hear in my practices, I feel selfish to not
go share in my famili's this or my friends that.
(30:52):
So please support them in that way. Let them know
that during this time of their healing, it's absolutely okay
that you there for them in any way they need. Okay,
it's time for our second break, don't go far. We'll
be back with more soulcpre.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Doctor RC will share extraordinary resources and services that promote
educational success as well as making a difference in the
lives of all social workers as well as the lives
of children, adolescents and teens of today. She will have
open discussions addressing many of the issues that we face
about our youth and how being employed in the uniquely
skilled profession of social work for over eighteen years has
(31:36):
taught invaluable lessons through her personal experiences. She will also
provide real life facts, examples, and personal stories that will
confirm that why serving as a child advocate is extremely
beneficial when addressing the needs of the whole child. Listen
Live to Dare to Soar Saturdays ten am Eastern on
the BBM Global Network and tune in radio as doctor
(31:59):
RC will provide thought provoking information that will empower, encourage
and strengthen students, families and communities across our nation. You
can also visit her at Soarwithkatie dot Com. Author, radio
show host and coach John M. Hawkins reveals strategies to
(32:19):
help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity, achieve goals. John M.
Hawkins' new book Coached to Greatness Unlock Your Full Potential
with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe, Hawkins reveals strategies
to help readers accomplish more. He believes the book can
coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that the best athletes
(32:42):
get to the top of their sport with the help
of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares guidance that helps
readers reflect on what motivates them. We discover and assess
their core values, philosophies and competencies, find settings that allow
them to be the most productive, and track their progress
towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John hawkins My Strategy Saturdays
(33:06):
one pm Easter on the BBM Global Network and tune
in radio.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
And we're back. Thank you for tuning into sol CPR
Here on Bold Brave TV. I'm Ann Papaotti and we
are talking about holiday grief. The holidays are a time
when people typically reflect on the previous year and are
supposed to find things to be thankful for for the
most part, and sometimes that's just hard. So despite all
(33:36):
festive intentions, not everyone's holidays are full of warm family
memories or a sense of community. How are you coping
this season? What may be making you feel blue? Is
there a loss you're having to cope with this holiday season? No,
coping is an interesting word. It implies more than surviving,
(33:57):
at least one step more, shall we say, we start
actually figuring out how to deal with challenges we encounter,
and we do so in a manner that's thoughtful and
in the least adequate. So perhaps it means we can
successfully rise to the occasion and manage through, even if
it's a struggle on some level. So managing grief during
(34:22):
the holidays. From my own experience with loss, I created
seven strategies, and I believe this might be in a
your Tango article that I'm sharing the show notes. If not,
it's in a blog on my website, which we'll give
you at the end of the show as well. But no,
as a knowledge, No, you're no in Oh, you don't
(34:45):
have to be the life of the party. Okay, So
whatever you're coping with again, job, loss, divorce, break up,
making a decision about a relationship or in the worst
case death, No you're no, don't have to be the
lacke of the party or even an attendant whether it's
online or in person, give yourself permission to be in
(35:08):
a stage of grief that simply isn't ready. If your
friends and family don't understand, they haven't experienced what you're
going through, and that's okay. In fact, that's good because
they haven't experienced it right And it's okay for you
(35:28):
to not do what's good for everyone else. Do what's
good for you. What do you believe you need right now?
Say yes to that and know to the rest You
empower yourself when you recognize and claim your power of
(35:48):
choice and honor your personal limits. Don't be pressured to
do what others believe you should be doing right now.
Grief however you want to, however you need to. Grieving
(36:08):
is very personal, just like loving is. As we said before,
grief is love. You're allowed to grieve on your own
timeline and in your own way. Remember it is a process,
not an event, so there's no set time to start
or end, no right way or wrong way. You'll learn
(36:30):
that there are better ways than others for you. But
take the pressure off. Just be careful of the temptation.
I'd say to numb your pain with what I call
the over behaviors like over drinking, overeating, overspending, over netflix binging,
(36:52):
whatever it may be, overworking. Obviously, some that I just
mentioned are more detrimental to to our health than others,
Some to our finances, some to our productivity, but all
of them to our life balance. Another one is to
limit social media. And I say this because why pour
(37:14):
salt into an open wound? If seeing smiling faces and
people rocking around the Christmas tree reminds you of what
you will not have in your life this year, don't
look while we're all happy for others if we're mourning.
Too much of another person's good thing can keep us
(37:34):
stuck in thoughts of our own bad things or missing things.
But know that this time will pass. This is temporary
in your life, even though it feels so permanent. Eventually
your wound will become a scar. If you nurture it
(37:57):
and allow it to heal. Once it has, we'll be
able to celebrate others without being so vulnerable to inflicting
more pain on yourself. Another one is to relish your
favorite holiday traditions. And what I mean is, don't lose
more than you already have. Try to maintain what's sentimental.
(38:21):
And special for you on some level. Let go of
traditions you never enjoyed anyway, most of us have a
few of those. You may get emotional, so you know,
have some tissues and chocolates around on hand or cookies.
It's okay, but hold on to something and at the
(38:46):
same time, I'm going to add to that create some
new traditions. Life has changed, that is the reality. The
holidays have changed. So you may find yourself also grieving
the loss of the tradition, just as you're greeting the
loss of a relationship a dream of how it was
supposed to be. But rather than feeling like you're missing
(39:10):
out or dreading something, what can you do differently and
embrace it as a new tradition in your new reality.
Is there something that you've always wanted to do but
haven't done yet? And take care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually,
(39:33):
move your body, challenge your mind, feeds your spirit. Perhaps
past holidays were busy and a bit like seasonal fruitcake,
a little bit of every three thing thrown in together.
Take a real holiday, the old English origin of the
compound word holiday are holy and today, so perhaps dismissing
(40:01):
the commercialism and frantic scheduling that may have been part
of your previous experience will allow you to reconnect to
the core meaning of the season for yourself. For yourself
and maybe now you can say it's really time for
reflection and relaxation and renewal. And lastly, forgive yourself and others.
(40:30):
If someone hasn't experienced what you're going through, they likely
will not know what to say. Stay the wrong thing
with all the right intentions. And remember that anyone, anything
anyone says or does, or doesn't say or doesn't do,
it's about them, their fears, or their insecurities or their beliefs.
(40:52):
So try to accept it as such and forgive them
in your heart and in your mind. And while you're
at it, forgive your for whatever expectation you had of
yourself that you haven't been able to meet. Just yet.
When it comes to grief and the holidays, you're going
through a time of morning. You will arrive at the
(41:16):
other side or healing and acceptance and living continues. And
as Snoopy says, keep looking up. That's the secret to life.
I quote Snoopy in the chapter titled The Gift of
Charlie Brown in My co authored book, The Gift of Shift,
and I share my experience with grief and the loss
(41:37):
of my firstborn son in that chapter. And I'm going
to read an excerpt for you now. Burying your child
commands a response of why me, Why my son? Why
my daughter? It challenges even the strongest in faith yielding
doubts of any deity. I write this from a place
(41:59):
of knowing my firstborn child, a son I named Jansen,
passed away in infancy. A love grief cycle is far
from linear. It is something like the spin cycle in
a washing machine, whipping rapidly one direction and then another,
before leaving you rung out to dry. I believe no
one reading this would judge or fault me for having
(42:20):
been stuck like a sock in the washer door gasket.
I was stuck in helplessness, despair, self imposed social isolation,
and self pity. No one likely would blame me for
having blamed myself, his father, the doctors and nurses, or
even God. No one would judge me for wanting to
(42:41):
die so that I could be with my son. But
would anyone truly understand? I would hope not, because that
would mean that they too had lost a child. I
believe there is an opportunity offered to us, an invisible
hand perhaps to grab hold up, to help us climb
out of those in describable depths of grief. It comes
(43:02):
in various forms and in opportunities to turn our pain
into purpose, to give meaning to the loss, and to
create something good from something so tragic. It is something
that motivates us to look up rather than down. And
when we do, there is light. At first squint we
turn away, until at last we stand facing it, even
(43:26):
basking in it. The catastrophe Schultz pinned for Charlie Brown
were far less significant than losing a child. In his
featured stories, Charlie Brown would experience something hurtful and be
stuck in his pain in negative thinking until something or
someone offered him that opportunity to look up. I can't
(43:48):
help but think of how Linus, in Schultz's animated television
special based on the Peanuts comic strip a Charlie Brown Christmas,
stepped into the spotlight to share the true story of Christmas,
capturing Charlie's attention and turning him away from his personal
experience and toward a greater meaning. When Linus finishes speaking,
(44:10):
Charlie Brown picks up his little tree and steps outside.
He looks up at the dark sky full of twinkling stars.
He finally feels happy down inside, the way Christmas is
supposed to make you feel. The hand that I grabbed
hold of was a chance to seet a conference for
(44:31):
resident pediatricians and pediatric surgeons where I shared my family's story.
It was then that I felt a shift in the
core of my being, releasing guilt and blame, sadness, and fear.
In that moment, Jansen's life was given purpose and meaning
because his story would be carried in the hearts and
minds of these doctors and benefit the children in their
(44:53):
care throughout their careers. His story would indirectly touch families
for years to come. You see, my grief, my pain
turned into purpose that.
Speaker 4 (45:04):
Day because I let go of the expectation and my
belief that my imperfect child, my sick child, and my
grief that I would not get to mother him for.
Speaker 2 (45:23):
My entire life was different than the expectation of what
it's supposed to be right, that I had mothered him
for a purpose, and that his life had meaning as
short as it was. Just like Charlie Brown's little tree
(45:46):
was imperfectly perfect. So was my child and my experience's motherhood,
and I reframed what motherhood meant as Charlie Brown did Christmas.
Thank you for allowing me to share that we're going
to take our final break. We come back. Closing thoughts
on holiday creef.
Speaker 3 (46:07):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure how?
(46:27):
I'm Pamela D Wilson. Join me for the Carrying Generation
radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings, six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships, health, wellbeing,
and more. Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying Generation are
on my website, Pameladewilson dot com, plus my caregiving library
(46:52):
online caregiver support programs and programs for corporations interested in
supporting working caregivers. Help, hope and support for caregiver is
here on the Carrying Generation and Pamela Dwilson dot com.
Speaker 1 (47:06):
Mike Zorich a three time California state champion in Greco
Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike blind
six birth, was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was a
six time national placer, including two seconds, two thirds, and
two fourths. He also won the Veteran's Folk Style Wrestling
(47:26):
twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In all
these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy Zorich
a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to the
stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states. Her father,
a commercial artist, who shared his instruments with his daughter
and helped her fine tune her natural abilities, influenced her
(47:49):
decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zorich has enjoyed
a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen Saturday mornings
at twelve Eastern for the Nancy and Mike Shit for
heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM Global Network.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
Thank you again for joining me today. You know grief
is a natural response to the death of someone you
loved or the loss of someone or something important to you.
An array of feelings and reacts can be intense and
extreme early on following loss. For most, this will wane
(48:30):
over time with the community of support or tools for
stress management, emotional awareness, self care, and the ability to
shift to a focus on gratitude. And for others, grief
can be prolonged and negatively impact physical and mental health,
as well as relationships and productivity. So recognize for yourself
(48:54):
if grief has become something of a constant companion. Grief
left unresolved can get stuck like a sock in that
wash your door gasket, destined to be spun and wrung
over and over again. If you feel stuck in grief
and pain and your life is being adversely affected yet
(49:14):
you desire to move forward but can't seem to find
the way, reach out That just may be the next
best step for you to anyone, to me, or any
professional that may understand your pain and be able to
help you. And some other resources that I recommend are
the Compassionate Friends and that's Compassionatefriends dot org is their
(49:38):
website or griefnet dot org and for a more extensive
list of resources, you can visit my Griefangels dot org
and these resources will be in the show notes as well,
and there will be links to your Tango articles on
holiday grief. And my website is well I think I
(50:01):
have a blog on grief or to their skyview Coaching
dot com and you can read more about how I
experienced grief in the loss of my son Janssen in
the chapter titled The Gift of Charlie Brown and my
co authored book The Gift of Shift, which is available
from Amazon. You'll find a link to that also from
(50:22):
my website skybecaching dot com. Now, my wish for all
who are grieving or experiencing holiday blues in any form
or fashion, or are dealing with depression and the holidays
compound it, or any type of loss right is that
(50:47):
you embrace this this holiday season. If you're grieving, embrace
your grief, but that you also wrap yourself in hope,
that you create meaning and find purpose and look up
to see opportunity. And if you're not grieving and you're
or going through any of those other experiences that impact
your ability to find joy in the holidays. If you're
(51:08):
actually feeling merry and bright, God bless but let us
not forget those who are struggling at this time of year.
Being respectful and understanding and lovingly present is the best
holiday gift we can give them. It may we all
be grateful for respectful and kind to one another this
(51:29):
holiday season and every day. So as this episode of
soul CPR comes to a close, remember that healing is
not a linear journey, but rather a process of profound transformation.
And if today's episode resonated with you, then please share
the podcast with those who might need a lifeline of
their own. Subscribe, rate and leave a review to help
(51:51):
us reach more hearts. You can connect with me on
social media on Facebook, it sets Skyview coaching on Instagram,
LinkedIn and x at n papaote. Let me know your thoughts,
your stories, and the topics you'd like to explore in
future episodes. And until next time. Now you find strength
in your vulnerability and courage in your journey. I thank
(52:13):
you for listening. Breathe deeply, love openly, and live sulfully.
Good day.
Speaker 1 (52:21):
This has been soul CPR with host and Papa Yode
breathe life back into your spirit with each episode, where
she and special guests explore the relationships that hurt us
and discover that healing can only begin with you. Tuesdays
at three pm Eastern on the Bold Brave TV Network.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies!
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!