January 7, 2025 • 53 mins
“Letting go isn’t just about saying goodbye—it’s about stepping into freedom. But let’s be honest, it’s not always easy. If you’ve ever felt the weight of guilt or regret after letting go of a person, a relationship, or even a dream, you’re not alone. We’ll talk about the emotional aftermath—the part no one really prepares us for. Together, we’ll uncover why those feelings linger and, more importantly, how to move through them with grace. This isn’t just about letting go; it’s about finding peace and freedom on the other side. Let’s have a conversation.”
#lettinggo #HealingJourney #emotionalfreedom #selfawareness #soulcprpodcast #personaldevelopment #mindfulnessmatters #positivepsychology #transformationjourney #innerpeace #lifebalance #mentalwellness #growthmindset #authenticliving #mindsetshift #guiltandregret #personalfreedom
#lettinggo #HealingJourney #emotionalfreedom #selfawareness #soulcprpodcast #personaldevelopment #mindfulnessmatters #positivepsychology #transformationjourney #innerpeace #lifebalance #mentalwellness #growthmindset #authenticliving #mindsetshift #guiltandregret #personalfreedom
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Are you ready to untangle from your past, recover from heartbreak,
and revive your life. This is Soul CPR with your
host and Papa Yode. We've all had soul crushing experiences
and lost ourselves and our pain, but there is a
way out. On this podcast, Amazon best selling author, award
winning life coach and advice columnist and Papa Yode helps
(00:28):
us navigate the path from heartbreak to healing. So now
please welcome the host of Soul CPR and Papa Yode.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Hello everyone, and welcome to the first show of twenty
twenty five. I'm happy to be back with you live
on Tuesdays to continue conversations that matter in our overall
health and wellbeing.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
I do hope you had a.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Holiday season that brought joy to your hearts and homes
that meant laid back and peaceful or bustling and loud. Personally,
I like some of both, the balance, if you will,
some festive gatherings and some silent nights. Unfortunately, I rang
in the new year with the flu, so I ended
(01:16):
up with more low key pajama days than I wanted.
It's been years since I've had that virus. Anyway, I
hope you are all well and healthy. I did stream
more shows than usual and ate less and anyway, taking
down the decorations can wait.
Speaker 3 (01:34):
Right, So I started off a little bit.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Behind, as they say, and please do excuse me today
if my voice breaks a little or if I call
for sneeze, I'll try not to spread the virus, at
least through the computer.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
As I say this now.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
I do know that the truth is that some of
you did not have joyous holidays due to the current
circumstances in your lives or something unexpected that possibly happened
that has you now hurting. I've been there during the
holidays previously.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
I feel you.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
I'm sorry that you're hurting, and I'm sending you a
big compassionate hug. And I'm here to remind you that
whatever it is, you can and will heal with the
gift of time, awareness and self compassion. All right, Today,
we are continuing our Letting Go series that we began
(02:34):
just before the holiday break. In the first part of
that series, we talked about our attachments to people and places,
things and memories, both good and bad, and we talked
about the emotional barriers to letting go and the primary
emotions being love, fear, and anger. Now, letting go means
(02:58):
confronting the these invisible emotional barriers, if you will, And
that means confronting the past. And why do we say that?
Because we can't change what we don't first acknowledge. And
some people will describe In fact, many people will describe
being trapped in the past by ruminating sort of punishing thoughts,
(03:23):
revisiting scenes with someone, playing out the different what ifs,
and searching for the whys and the what did I do? Wrongs?
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Well.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
On this show we focus on relationships, and when it
comes to letting go of relationships, it's normal to revisit
hurts that have not yet been resolved, but revisiting them
should be for a time in your life and not
for a lifetime. So is it time to let something
(03:54):
go in your life or someone? The first step is
awareness that your whole holding on to something or someone
that is no longer serving you and getting past the
past really is less about what happened then than about
your willingness to put in the tough work of healing now.
(04:15):
Some people are chained to the past, if you will,
and others I find are tied by a delicate thread,
but a complicated pattern, perhaps like a spider web. Regardless,
to begin to untangle and detach involves remembering what hurt you,
(04:39):
the injury, if you will, and reconsidering it from a different,
more empathetic perspective. If it's something from the past, you're
holding on too. If it's something from the present, it's
acknowledging the pain that's being created, how it's holding you back,
and why you deserve something different. Now, in some cases,
(05:03):
you may not be cutting ties altogether with someone, say
a family member. You may be loosening the knot that
might be the next step for you. For example, you
may need to reconfigure a relationship, redefine it so that
you're less giving, more realistic. And let me say this
for clarification, letting go is not forgetting. It is more
(05:25):
like a positive shift in you about something or someone
that frees you so that it no longer lives rent
free in your mind space, that it's not an intruder
on your happiness. And as we discussed on the last show,
per the premise of positive psychology, it's not that we
(05:48):
deny or pretend that whatever hurt us wasn't bad or
caused us pain, but rather we choose to focus on
and find the silver lining.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
We choose to heal.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
We don't narrowly necessarily get over the past, but we
get past the past in a healthy and genuine way.
So letting go isn't just about saying goodbye to something
or someone. It's truly about stepping into freedom. And that's
(06:20):
even whether it's things we hold on to. Right it's
hard to say goodbye to certain things that we hold
on to when we look around our homes. I have
a client now who's dealing with a lot of clutter
in her mother's home because of a warding issue. But
(06:42):
the holding on and then the sisters having a difficult
time with the letting go of the things. So but
it's not just about the saying goodbye, it's about stepping
into freedom. Because how does the thing that, either the thoughts,
the memories, the actual things, or the people the relationships
(07:07):
prevent you from living your best life. It's just not
always easy to let go, is it? And my conversations
since the first segment have revealed that the next thing
to let go of.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
Is how to let go of letting go? Does that
make sense? Meaning if you've.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Ever felt the weight of guilt or regret. After letting
go of a person, a relationship, even a dream, you're
not alone. There's emotional aftermath, right, That's the part that
(07:52):
sometimes we're not really prepared for. So we have uncover
why those feelings tend to linger, more important, how to
move through them with grace. So this series isn't just
about letting go. It's about finding peace and freedom on
the other side.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
Of letting go. What's the good of letting go.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Of what has harmed us or create caused pain for us,
or blocked us from our best life? If we carry
forward guilt and regret, well, let's talk about that. We
all have our reasons for holding on, whether it's to
(08:39):
stop clothing clutter, or to relationships that aren't good for us,
or to negative feelings towards someone or something or someplace,
or to painful emotions, whatever may be the source of
our resistance to letting go. And no matter the story
we tell ourselves in the excuse uses we make, I
(09:02):
find in my conversations a universal theme popping up, and
that is the theme of guilt and sometimes regret, and
sometimes those two are almost indistinguishable. So let's talk about
some of the common sources of guilt and regret. Often
(09:22):
in my practice, it's about ending friendships or ending a
romantic relationship whether it was toxic or not, or stepping
away from definitely toxic family dynamics. So if these are
(09:46):
sources of guilt and regret, but let's say the friendship
wasn't good for you in some way, the romantic relationship
maybe wasn't mutual and or was toxic in some way.
The family dynamics are toxic. We're using that word. It's
(10:07):
not good for us. Why do we end up with
guilt and regret? Why do we feel these emotions? Well,
according to study dot com, guilt is the emotion that
we humans feel after committing an act that we believe
(10:30):
negatively impacts other people. So it's a psychological response that
we have that because we recognize some level of responsibility
for possibly creating harm or a problem for somebody else.
So that tells me that guilt is tied to empathy.
(10:55):
So who's going to feel guilty after making a choice
to let go of a relationship of some sort? The
empathetic right.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
You and I will.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
So Also, according to study dot Com, guilt is an
emotional experience that manifests in response to one's having committed
an action or having a thought or feeling an emotion
that one deems wrong or bad. So guilt stems from
(11:36):
the tension between an individual's desires and the expectations of
the systems around them, they would say.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
So guilt can.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
Be expressed through words and deeds, and perhaps even physical
demonstrations apologies, acts of acts and kinds that are meant
to counteract negative actions or changes in behavior, but physical demonstrations.
The feeling of guilt that starts manifesting physically can be nausea, dizziness,
(12:10):
a raised heart rate. All of these can be expression
of guilt experienced by an individual who's feeling that emotion.
Emotional guilt is an individual's guilt in response to having
these thoughts that they've categorized as bad.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
But hear me say.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
This guilt is an emotion experienced in the mental and
physical symptoms of the body. So it's tied closely to anxiety.
It can be a negative emotion and a positive one,
And we'll talk about that in a minute, depending on
(12:57):
how it is managed or expressed. Now, I love researcher
Brene Brown's simplified distinction between guilt and shame.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
Let's talk about that real quick.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Guilt says I did something bad, meaning I did something
against my value system, while shame says I am bad,
meaning I am unworthy, unkind, unlovable. Shame is harsh and
punitive and is never yours to carry. But here's the
(13:34):
positive side of guilt. I like guilt per this definition
because it helps me stay true to myself. It's like
an indicator light in the car that says the oil
is low. If I ignore it and keep driving, I
may harm the engine.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
Right. If I keep going against.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Myself in life, the consequences will be negative. But if
I feel guilt, I can check in with myself and
figure out why and then self correct. Maybe I do
owe someone an apology. Maybe I did do something bad
meaning against my value system. I can self correct. So
(14:21):
getting back to the choice of letting go, it's the
same thing. But when you realize you did not go
against yourself but honored yourself when you made the decision
to let go of someone or feelings towards them, or
whatever it may be in your case, then you also
(14:44):
must let go of having let go right and recognize
that if you're feeling guilt in this situation, that it's
misplaced guilt that you're feeling.
Speaker 3 (14:57):
Have you ever heard it said that guilt is option?
Speaker 2 (15:02):
I found that to be such a freeing statement as
an empathetic person. It gave me something to hold on
to as my choice. That guilt is an option that
contributes to my suffering. That I was trying to end
suffering by letting go of the whomever or the whatever
(15:23):
in the first place. So when it comes to that
kind of guilt, the negative guilt, the anxiety laden guilt,
I opt out. What about you, now, Regret that's the
other one. Oh, I'm just looking at the time. How
(15:46):
about we take our first break and we'll come back
and we'll talk about regret, which is closely akin as
an emotion to guilt.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
Don't go far. We'll be back with more sulcy fr.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Mike Zorich a three time California state champion in greco
Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike blind
SI's birth was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was a
six time national placer, including two seconds, two thirds, and
two fourths. He also won the Veteran's folk style wrestling
(16:21):
twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In all
these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy Zorich
a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to the
stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states. Her father,
a commercial artist who shared his instruments with his daughter
and helped her fine tune her natural abilities influence her
(16:44):
decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zorich has enjoyed
a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen Saturday mornings
at twelve Eastern for the Nancy and Mike Show for
heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM Global Network.
Speaker 4 (17:01):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work, life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure how.
(17:22):
I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for the Carrying Generation
radio show for caregivers and Aging Adults Wednesday evenings six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships, health, wellbeing,
and more. Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying Generation are
(17:42):
on my website Pamela Dwilson dot com, plus my Caregiving library.
Online caregiver support programs and programs for corporations interested in
supporting working caregivers. Help, hope and support for caregivers is
here on The Carrying Generation and Pamela d Wilson dot com.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Welcome back everyone. I'm in Papayote and this is sole
CPR a Bold Brave TV.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
Thank you for joining us today.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
So we were just talking about guilt and regrets. So
when we're letting go of someone or something, often once
we've made that decision and actually taken that action, we
might still carry forward something that's just as heavy, such
as guilt or regret. So regret is also a common
(18:31):
emotion that, let's say, occurs when our behavior results in
undesirable outcomes, not necessarily for us, but for people around us,
and maybe they create then an environment around us that
feels undesirable for us. And I see this with the
(18:56):
toxic family scenario quite often, and there's a lot of
maybe the whys and the what's wrong with you, and
then the kind of blaming the person for having set
some kind of boundary. And then this person starts having
(19:16):
regret because it feels perhaps more toxic than it maybe
did before, or at least what they experienced before they
were used to and now this is a whole new
battery of things, so regret can start coming in. But
if let's say we break up with a romantic partner
and are left feeling lonely, we may feel regret because
(19:39):
say we would rather be in a relationship that was
unhealthy or with the wrong person then be alone. But
if we break up then meet the love of our lives,
we quickly let go of regret, right so we don't
know what the possible outcome may be. Read is another
(20:01):
negative emotion, and it feels a lot like self blame,
so it too can have damaging effects on our mind
and body. And this one can resemble depression because there's
a lot of repetitive, negative, self focused thoughts. The way
(20:21):
out of regret is literally to trust yourself.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
When you make a decision.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Hold the letting go decision accountable to your values and
best interest and focus forward, limit exposure, which becomes a
boundary to those who would try to convince you otherwise.
So in that case, I would say regret can.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
Be an option, just like guilt.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Now you may feel some discomfort as you move into
something different and new, but you have opened yourself up
for opportunities like the letting go of an unhealthy relationship
and possibly now the opportunity to meet a true love.
And research shows that the two key things that lead
(21:16):
to regret in general are not taking opportunities in life.
So letting go of letting go? Is this an issue
for you? What if anything gets in your way once
(21:37):
you make the decision of letting go? Is it other
people's opinions, judgments? Is it being alone, the uncertainty of
what's coming next?
Speaker 3 (21:50):
What is it?
Speaker 2 (21:51):
Think about it? Because that's going to be the next
challenge right. I want to share a story about a
woman I worked with. We'll call her Emma. Emma carried
a heavy burden of guilt after ending a long term friendship.
She felt like she had failed as a friend, even
(22:13):
though the relationship had become one sided and emotionally draining.
Every time she thought about it, the regret would creep in,
whispering it should have tried harder. Now. The first thing
that I encouraged Emma to do was to sit with
her feelings instead of running from them. One afternoon, she
(22:35):
set aside time and lit a candle and simply let
herself feel. Tears came, but so did clarity. She realized
she wasn't guilty of being a bad friend. She was
feeling guilty for choosing herself. For the first time, this
(22:57):
was the moment she began to see her emotions as
ballad but not permanent. Now, Emma's inner critic kept telling her,
you're selfish for walking away, So we worked on reframing
those thoughts. She wrote them down in a journal, then
responded to them as if she were speaking to a
dear friend. I'm not selfish, she wrote, I'm human. I
(23:22):
did what I needed to do to protect my emotional health. Slowly,
those kinder thoughts began to drown out the critical ones. Now,
Emma admitted she regretted not addressing the imbalance in the
friendship sooner, so she wrote her former friend a heartfelt
(23:44):
letter not to send but to address her own feelings,
and in it she took responsibility for letting things linger
too long and forgave herself for not knowing how to
handle it better. This act of writing was her way
of releasing what she could not change. Now. One day,
(24:07):
Emma tried something new. She placed her hand over her heart,
closed her eyes and said aloud, I did the best
I could at the time, and I deserve peace. Not first,
it felt awkward, but over time this small act of
kindness toward herself became a daily ritual, and with each repetition,
(24:32):
her guilt softened. And to counter her regret, Emma began.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
A gratitude practice.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
Each morning, she wrote down one thing gained from letting
go of the friendship. Her list started with small things
such as I have more time for myself, and over
time her gratitude deepened to things like I've learned to
(25:03):
set boundaries, I've built healthier relationships. And these types of
reflections reminded her of how far she'd come. Finally, Emma
decided she needed closure, and she wrote all her lingering,
guilt and regret on a piece of paper. She folded
(25:25):
it carefully and burnt it in a small ceremony in
her backyard. Now she watched the paper turn to ash.
She imagined her guilt and regret dissolving too, and this
symbolic act marked turning point for her, a moment of release. Now,
(25:46):
as you listen to Emma's story, you need to know
that Emma did not go through this alone. She confided
in a close friend who reassured her she'd made the
right decision. She also worked with the coach. She joined
a support group where she found people who had faced
similar struggles on Facebook, and their stories gave her hope
(26:09):
and reminded her she wasn't the only one navigating these emotions.
And today, Emma says letting go of that friendship was
one of the hardest things she's ever done, but also
one of the most freeing things. She no longer carries
the weight of guilt and regret, and instead she carries
(26:33):
lessons about self worth and boundaries and the power of
choosing herself. So her story, I believe, reminds us that
letting go is a process, and every step in that process,
no matter how small or how big, moves us closer
(26:57):
to that piece that we do all seek in that
or from that Now in Emma's story, there were actually
practical steps to let go of guilt and regret. And
this is what I would call the art and remember
the series is the art and science of letting go.
(27:18):
So let's look back at what were the practical steps
outlined and emma story that you too can use if
you're looking to let go. The first one was acknowledge
and validate emotions. Emma set aside the time. Remember when
(27:43):
I said, she lit a candle and she let herself
feel and the tears came. So that's a practical step
acknowledge and validate the emotions. We talk about that a
lot on this show because so many of us minimize
our own feelings rather than feel them, or we bottle
(28:08):
them up, or we sett them aside, we push beyond them.
We need to sit with them, feel them, understand them,
allow them. So acknowledge and validate. Another step that we
heard in her story was to challenge the inner critic.
(28:29):
Remember how patishing that was in her story. Her inner
critic that in her message was telling her she was
selfish for walking away. So she had to work on
reframing those thoughts and she used a journal to do that.
What were the negative thoughts coming to her, she would
(28:51):
write those this was one of our activities or our
coaching challenges. She would write the negative messages and then
she would respond with a positive one in her journal.
Until it became easier and easier and easier to do that,
to challenge them without having to have the written ones.
(29:12):
It became a way of being rather than something to
have to do. That made sense. Another step that we
heard in her story was taking responsibility and releasing control.
So remember in her story, she took responsibility that she
had not addressed the imbalance in the relationship earlier, that
(29:34):
it had become one sided, that she hadn't really addressed
it and give it, I guess, given it the opportunity
to be different until it had taken too much of
a toll on her.
Speaker 3 (29:45):
So she took.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
Responsibility for that, wrote that heartfelt letter not to send it.
Who she owed it to was herself. She had to
forgive herself for.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
Having not.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
Taken it that action at that time, right, and let
go of that control, that need to change the past,
which is where we carried regret. Right, there's always that
need to change. She couldn't change it, so that became
an acceptance, releasing control. Another step we heard was the
(30:20):
practice of self compassion. That was when she placed her
hand over her heart, over her heart, and this is
something I've done in workshops. If anybody listening has been
in one of my workshops, I've probably had you picturing
over your heart. But in this particular case, her matra
(30:41):
was to say that she did the best she could
at the time and that she deserved peace. And this
is something that a lot of people struggle to say
I deserve better or to recognize themselves as having done
the best that they could. So this is a personal
act of kindness towards yourself. We're much better at giving
(31:04):
it to others than to ourselves. So this is something
that a commitment of repetition of a daily act of
kindness toward herself was practiced and it worked. Another step
was using gratitude to shift perspective. And gratitude is always
the key people, always the key to freedom in anything.
(31:27):
But Emma started a gratitude practice. As we heard in
her story, her list started with small things and it
grew over time. She was able to end up not
just with boundaries, but healthier relationships, which is a goal
with boundaries. But she started with just I think it
(31:47):
was time for herself, so recognizing gratitude and a practice
of gratitude, which can be a daily listing, whether you
start your morning with it in your day. I encourage both,
whether it's just in your thought life or in your
journaling practice, having that gratitude time creating a letting go
(32:14):
ritual that was her burning right for her closure of
the lingering guilt. So she wrote anything that was left
over the residual guilt on a piece of paper and
had that fire ceremony. We do this in a lot
of workshops too, and certainly at my retreats, there's always
(32:35):
going to be a letting go ritual to have a
symbolic marking of release. Loved love that okay. And the
last thing was her support. She sought support, and of
course she was going and she was a coaching client.
She also had a friend that was like minded that
(32:57):
could stand by her through this, and then she found
a group of people that she could network with if
you will, and share struggles and triumphs and support one
another on their way. I'm here to tell you you're never
alone in what you're going through. You just have to
have the courage to share your story. All right, it
(33:22):
is time for our second break. Don't go far and
we will come back with more.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
On sol CPR, Doctor RC will share extraordinary resources and
services that promote educational success as well as making a
difference in the lives of all social workers as well
as the lives of children, adolescents and teens of today.
She will have open discussions addressing many of the issues
that we face about our youth and how being employed
(33:50):
in the uniquely skilled profession of social work for over
eighteen years has taught invaluable lessons through her personal experiences.
She will also provide real life facts, examples, and personal
stories that will confirm that why serving as a child
advocate is extremely beneficial when addressing the needs of the
whole child. Listen Live to Dare to Soar Saturdays ten
(34:12):
am Eastern on the BBM Global Network and tune in
radio as doctor RC will provide thought provoking information that
will empower, encourage and strengthen students, families and communities across
our nation. You can also visit her at soarwith Katie
dot Com. Author, radio show host and coach John M.
(34:35):
Hawkins reveals strategies to help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity,
achieve goals. John M. Hawkins new book Coached to Greatness
Unlock Your Full Potential with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe,
Hawkins reveals strategies to help readers accomplish more. He believes
(34:56):
the book can coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that
the best athletes get to the top of their sport
with the help of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares
guidance that helps readers reflect on what motivates them. We
discover and assess their core values, philosophies and competencies, find
settings that allow them to be the most productive, and
(35:18):
track their progress towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John Hawkins
My Strategy Saturdays one pm Eastern on the BBM Global
Network and tune in.
Speaker 3 (35:29):
Radio and we're back.
Speaker 2 (35:34):
Thank you for being here with me today, whether you're
tuning in live or listening on demand. We have so
much to share this year, and we're just getting started
with the second in our Letting Go series. And what
we just talked about in Emma's story.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
Was really the art of letting go. So what's the.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
Science so if we understand the brain's role, well, I
want you to know that guilt often triggers the amygdala,
and that's our emotional processing center, and this activation creates
a heightened sense of emotional distress. So if guilt's an option,
(36:20):
why ought for additional emotional distress? Right? Practicing mindfulness meditation
can help reduce this overactivation and allow you to process
guilt more calmly. There's been a study on mindfulness that
showed that even eight weeks of consistent practice significantly reduced
(36:42):
emotional reactivity and helped the participants manage guilt more effectively.
Speaker 3 (36:48):
So there you go.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
If you're struggling with guilt, there is science behind why
and how to decrease that struggle. And then when it
comes to or regret, it often stems from those repetitive
thoughts about past decisions. As we said, well, the brain's
neuroplasticity allows us to rewire these thought patterns by introducing
(37:12):
new empowering narratives. This is all about the story we
tell ourselves about whatever it is.
Speaker 3 (37:21):
Right.
Speaker 2 (37:22):
So this comes back to another art. Journaling daily about
one positive outcome from a past decision that you regret
can help reframe the experience and we want to reframe
that experience. Why, Because of neuroplasticity, we're literally rewiring our
(37:45):
brain as you start reframing. So, for instance, leaving a
toxic relationship might have led to personal growth, or a
new opportunity, or taking a chance on something that brought
in a new friend, whatever it may be, what's at
least one thing, one positive outcome from a decision that
(38:08):
you've held.
Speaker 3 (38:08):
On to regret about. More science.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Studies by doctor Kristen Neff, I believe I have that
correct show that practicing self compassion activates the brain's soothing system,
reducing feelings of guilt and shame. So there's a plug
for being kind to yourself. This is associated with increased
(38:34):
activity in the ventromedial prefernal cortex, which governs self acceptance.
So be kind to yourself. There's science behind it. So
when guilt arises, at placing your hand over your heart
and speaking kindly to yourself as Emma did, Speaking to
(38:54):
yourself like you would a best friend can calm neural
path ways and promote hormonal release. That's calming.
Speaker 3 (39:09):
Hello, this is how we help ourselves.
Speaker 2 (39:14):
Now, what about EFT emotional freedom techniques?
Speaker 3 (39:18):
We have done this on.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
The show before. EFT is tapping. So tapping on acupressure
points has been shown to reduce cortisol, the stress hormone
levels which are elevated during periods of guilt or regret.
So a study found that participants who practiced EFT experienced
(39:41):
a significant decrease in distress related to unresolved emotions. They
reported greater clarity and peace about their decisions. So, regretting
your decision, try tapping.
Speaker 3 (39:58):
More.
Speaker 2 (39:59):
Science, visualization can stimulate the brain's reward center and encourage
dopamine release. So visualizing excuse me, a fulfilling future without
the burden of guilt can create positive reinforcement for letting go.
(40:22):
So the art of visualization is creating dopamine release, positive reinforcement.
So if we spend just say, five minutes each day
visualizing ourselves feeling light and free and having embraced let's say,
(40:47):
the wisdom that we've gained from our decisions, rather than
the weight of feeling guilty or regretful, I wonder what
might be different for us? All right, So art and
science and the two shall marry one another to create
(41:08):
our best outcomes. Now, something else that I wanted to
talk to you about today. There's a theory recently made
popular by motivational guru Mail Robbins called the let them theory.
Speaker 3 (41:25):
Have you heard about this?
Speaker 2 (41:28):
It means let people be who they are do what
they do without allowing it to impact you negatively or
affect you in a way that you become reactive or
experience negative energy. Ultimately, it's a mindset to help you
let go of expectations of others and to let go
(41:49):
of what you cannot control, while focusing on the second
part of the theory, which is let me meaning be
who I am, true to me, in control of what
I can control, let me be healthy, whole, etc. Keep going,
filling in the blanks. And it reminds me of the
(42:12):
final chapter in my co authored book, The Gift of Shift.
It's titled The Gift of Beautiful and it's a play
on the word beautiful with the word you yo you
spelled out and I talk about being like a caged lion,
(42:33):
pacing back and forth waiting for my husband who is
never on time, becoming more and more agitated and frustrated,
ultimately affecting not only my state of mind and body,
but then our relationship until I make a decision to
(42:58):
let him be him and let me be me. Now,
what I came to accept was that while time was
a high value for me on time specifically, it simply
(43:19):
was not for him. So when it was time to
leave for an important event, if he wasn't ready, I
would choose to go alone and not be kept pacing
(43:40):
furiously waiting, feeling caged while he's singing in the shower, unaffected,
and he would find his way to the event on
his own, in his own time. Now, since I changed
how I showed up, he has as well. He now
(44:01):
steps it up for important occasions because he really doesn't
want to go alone. That impacted his value a different value,
and I've relaxed about the less important events. Let's say,
going to the movies. I don't have to maybe see
the previews, even though I enjoy them, But I can
(44:24):
relax on that on time event so that we can
show up together. So harmony and balance have started coexisting.
That freedom of letting go I have it not from
(44:45):
letting go of my value, but from letting go of
the requirement that he have the same one, that he
show up in life living the same way as I do.
(45:06):
When there's a marriage or a committed relationship, there has
to be compromise, and that is what we found. But
there are deal breaker values and those are the ones
that you have to get on the same page about.
But then there are these where you can find the compromise,
(45:27):
and that is what we were able to work for.
But I had to let go of the expectation to
free myself from that cage and frustration and the impact
that it had on my marriage, which was negative because
I was in a bad mood, definitely in a bad mood.
(45:49):
All right, it is time for our third and final
break and when we come back, we will have some
final thoughts on this show, and I'll give you a
little preview for what's coming up in the third part
of the Letting Go series see soon.
Speaker 4 (46:09):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse.
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure
how I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for The Carrying
(46:31):
Generation radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings,
six Pacific, seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where
I answer these questions and share tips for managing stress,
family relationships, health, wellbeing, and more. Podcasts and transcripts of
The Carrying Generation are on my website Pamela Dwilson dot com,
(46:52):
plus my Caregiving Library. Online caregiver support programs and programs
for corporations interested in supporting working caregivers. Help, hope and
support for caregivers is here on The Carrying Generation and
Pamela Dwilson dot com.
Speaker 1 (47:08):
Mike Zorich a three time California state champion in Greco
Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike blind
six birth, was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was a
six time national placer, including two seconds, two thirds, and
two fourths. He also won the Veteran's Folk Style Wrestling
(47:29):
twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In all
these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy Zorich
a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to the
stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states. Her father,
a commercial artist who shared his instruments with his daughter
and helped her fine tune her natural abilities influence her
(47:52):
decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zorich has enjoyed
a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen Saturday Morning.
He's a twelve E student for the Nancy and Mike
Show for heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM
Global Network.
Speaker 2 (48:12):
Welcome back everyone. I just wanted to read a little
excerpt from the Gift of Beautiful. I wanted to share.
The story I share was we were on our way
to a wedding and I did leave him in the
shower and go on to the wedding without him, which
was a bit shocking for him. However, it is what
(48:32):
allowed us to find this place of compromise eventually.
Speaker 3 (48:40):
But what I.
Speaker 2 (48:41):
Realized was that I had come to realize that in
all the scenarios, that he was never thinking what I
was feeling. Right, he wasn't thinking what I was feeling.
The conflict was within me and invisible to him. And
I could influence my husband but not control him to
(49:01):
think or be like me. I could, however, choose to
be me. That was what was within my control, my choice,
and ultimately my personal responsibility for creating my own happiness.
It was also my responsibility to share and be myself
with him. Many of my clients are dealing with relationship conflicts, separation, divorce.
(49:27):
Regardless of your situation, I'm sure you've heard of a
term used in family court irreconcilable differences, and such differences
are often related to those non deal breaker values and
daily living nuances where individuals failed to learn to take
responsibility for creating their own outcomes. So much could be
(49:48):
reconciled if we were open to taking guidance before falling
into the depths of those cosmic divides too far to
climb back. But it's when we discount our value you
systems and make choices that compromise them that we experience
guilt and some of its emotional cousins. For example, if
(50:10):
I were late arriving to the wedding, I may have
felt embarrassment. I may then have blamed my husband for
my feelings, which would have created unnecessary conflict in our relationship.
And it's the negative emotions that are the thieves of
our peace and happiness, So why go through life against ourselves?
(50:31):
Being in conflict with your values is a self defeating behavior,
So get clear on who you are and what you
stand for.
Speaker 3 (50:40):
Be yourself.
Speaker 2 (50:40):
Everyone else has taken, as they say, and you are
beautiful just the way you are now. Coming up this month,
I have some incredible guests to share with you. There
are personal stories of overcoming and healing, and we will
also have part three to our Letting Go series. And
(51:02):
in that third and final part, we're going to explore
how once we really least, all we need to that
what comes next is really learning to trust the process
of life even when the future feels uncertain, because it's
about having created the space for what's to come right,
(51:27):
Because letting go isn't about an ending, it's the beginning
of something new. So as this episode of Soul CPR
comes to a close, remember that healing is not a
linear journey, but rather a process of profound transformation. If
(51:47):
today's episode resonated with you, please share the podcast with
someone who might need a lifeline of their own. Subscribe,
rate and leave a review to help us reach more hearts,
and you can always connect with me on social media
on Facebook, at Skyview Coaching, Instagram, LinkedIn, and x it
will be at Anne Papayodelet you know your thoughts, your
(52:08):
stories and the topics you'd like to explore in future episodes,
and you can get the Gift of Shift on Amazon.
I think we may have a link to show you
or definitely be in the show notes if you're interested
in that book and to read more about different themes
in life and guided journaling prompts for each of those stories.
(52:28):
Until next time, may you find the strength and your
vulnerability and the courage and your journey. I thank you
for listening. Breath thiefly, love openly, and live soulfully.
Speaker 1 (52:43):
This has been soul CPR with host and Papa Yode
breathe life back into your spirit with each episode where
she and special guests explore the relationships that hurt us
and discover that healing can only begin with you. Tuesdays
at night, three pm Eastern on the Bold Brave TV
Network
Are you ready to untangle from your past, recover from heartbreak,
and revive your life. This is Soul CPR with your
host and Papa Yode. We've all had soul crushing experiences
and lost ourselves and our pain, but there is a
way out. On this podcast, Amazon best selling author, award
winning life coach and advice columnist and Papa Yode helps
(00:28):
us navigate the path from heartbreak to healing. So now
please welcome the host of Soul CPR and Papa Yode.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Hello everyone, and welcome to the first show of twenty
twenty five. I'm happy to be back with you live
on Tuesdays to continue conversations that matter in our overall
health and wellbeing.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
I do hope you had a.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Holiday season that brought joy to your hearts and homes
that meant laid back and peaceful or bustling and loud. Personally,
I like some of both, the balance, if you will,
some festive gatherings and some silent nights. Unfortunately, I rang
in the new year with the flu, so I ended
(01:16):
up with more low key pajama days than I wanted.
It's been years since I've had that virus. Anyway, I
hope you are all well and healthy. I did stream
more shows than usual and ate less and anyway, taking
down the decorations can wait.
Speaker 3 (01:34):
Right, So I started off a little bit.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Behind, as they say, and please do excuse me today
if my voice breaks a little or if I call
for sneeze, I'll try not to spread the virus, at
least through the computer.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
As I say this now.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
I do know that the truth is that some of
you did not have joyous holidays due to the current
circumstances in your lives or something unexpected that possibly happened
that has you now hurting. I've been there during the
holidays previously.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
I feel you.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
I'm sorry that you're hurting, and I'm sending you a
big compassionate hug. And I'm here to remind you that
whatever it is, you can and will heal with the
gift of time, awareness and self compassion. All right, Today,
we are continuing our Letting Go series that we began
(02:34):
just before the holiday break. In the first part of
that series, we talked about our attachments to people and places,
things and memories, both good and bad, and we talked
about the emotional barriers to letting go and the primary
emotions being love, fear, and anger. Now, letting go means
(02:58):
confronting the these invisible emotional barriers, if you will, And
that means confronting the past. And why do we say that?
Because we can't change what we don't first acknowledge. And
some people will describe In fact, many people will describe
being trapped in the past by ruminating sort of punishing thoughts,
(03:23):
revisiting scenes with someone, playing out the different what ifs,
and searching for the whys and the what did I do? Wrongs?
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Well.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
On this show we focus on relationships, and when it
comes to letting go of relationships, it's normal to revisit
hurts that have not yet been resolved, but revisiting them
should be for a time in your life and not
for a lifetime. So is it time to let something
(03:54):
go in your life or someone? The first step is
awareness that your whole holding on to something or someone
that is no longer serving you and getting past the
past really is less about what happened then than about
your willingness to put in the tough work of healing now.
(04:15):
Some people are chained to the past, if you will,
and others I find are tied by a delicate thread,
but a complicated pattern, perhaps like a spider web. Regardless,
to begin to untangle and detach involves remembering what hurt you,
(04:39):
the injury, if you will, and reconsidering it from a different,
more empathetic perspective. If it's something from the past, you're
holding on too. If it's something from the present, it's
acknowledging the pain that's being created, how it's holding you back,
and why you deserve something different. Now, in some cases,
(05:03):
you may not be cutting ties altogether with someone, say
a family member. You may be loosening the knot that
might be the next step for you. For example, you
may need to reconfigure a relationship, redefine it so that
you're less giving, more realistic. And let me say this
for clarification, letting go is not forgetting. It is more
(05:25):
like a positive shift in you about something or someone
that frees you so that it no longer lives rent
free in your mind space, that it's not an intruder
on your happiness. And as we discussed on the last show,
per the premise of positive psychology, it's not that we
(05:48):
deny or pretend that whatever hurt us wasn't bad or
caused us pain, but rather we choose to focus on
and find the silver lining.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
We choose to heal.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
We don't narrowly necessarily get over the past, but we
get past the past in a healthy and genuine way.
So letting go isn't just about saying goodbye to something
or someone. It's truly about stepping into freedom. And that's
(06:20):
even whether it's things we hold on to. Right it's
hard to say goodbye to certain things that we hold
on to when we look around our homes. I have
a client now who's dealing with a lot of clutter
in her mother's home because of a warding issue. But
(06:42):
the holding on and then the sisters having a difficult
time with the letting go of the things. So but
it's not just about the saying goodbye, it's about stepping
into freedom. Because how does the thing that, either the thoughts,
the memories, the actual things, or the people the relationships
(07:07):
prevent you from living your best life. It's just not
always easy to let go, is it? And my conversations
since the first segment have revealed that the next thing
to let go of.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
Is how to let go of letting go? Does that
make sense? Meaning if you've.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Ever felt the weight of guilt or regret. After letting
go of a person, a relationship, even a dream, you're
not alone. There's emotional aftermath, right, That's the part that
(07:52):
sometimes we're not really prepared for. So we have uncover
why those feelings tend to linger, more important, how to
move through them with grace. So this series isn't just
about letting go. It's about finding peace and freedom on
the other side.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
Of letting go. What's the good of letting go.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Of what has harmed us or create caused pain for us,
or blocked us from our best life? If we carry
forward guilt and regret, well, let's talk about that. We
all have our reasons for holding on, whether it's to
(08:39):
stop clothing clutter, or to relationships that aren't good for us,
or to negative feelings towards someone or something or someplace,
or to painful emotions, whatever may be the source of
our resistance to letting go. And no matter the story
we tell ourselves in the excuse uses we make, I
(09:02):
find in my conversations a universal theme popping up, and
that is the theme of guilt and sometimes regret, and
sometimes those two are almost indistinguishable. So let's talk about
some of the common sources of guilt and regret. Often
(09:22):
in my practice, it's about ending friendships or ending a
romantic relationship whether it was toxic or not, or stepping
away from definitely toxic family dynamics. So if these are
(09:46):
sources of guilt and regret, but let's say the friendship
wasn't good for you in some way, the romantic relationship
maybe wasn't mutual and or was toxic in some way.
The family dynamics are toxic. We're using that word. It's
(10:07):
not good for us. Why do we end up with
guilt and regret? Why do we feel these emotions? Well,
according to study dot com, guilt is the emotion that
we humans feel after committing an act that we believe
(10:30):
negatively impacts other people. So it's a psychological response that
we have that because we recognize some level of responsibility
for possibly creating harm or a problem for somebody else.
So that tells me that guilt is tied to empathy.
(10:55):
So who's going to feel guilty after making a choice
to let go of a relationship of some sort? The
empathetic right.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
You and I will.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
So Also, according to study dot Com, guilt is an
emotional experience that manifests in response to one's having committed
an action or having a thought or feeling an emotion
that one deems wrong or bad. So guilt stems from
(11:36):
the tension between an individual's desires and the expectations of
the systems around them, they would say.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
So guilt can.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
Be expressed through words and deeds, and perhaps even physical
demonstrations apologies, acts of acts and kinds that are meant
to counteract negative actions or changes in behavior, but physical demonstrations.
The feeling of guilt that starts manifesting physically can be nausea, dizziness,
(12:10):
a raised heart rate. All of these can be expression
of guilt experienced by an individual who's feeling that emotion.
Emotional guilt is an individual's guilt in response to having
these thoughts that they've categorized as bad.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
But hear me say.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
This guilt is an emotion experienced in the mental and
physical symptoms of the body. So it's tied closely to anxiety.
It can be a negative emotion and a positive one,
And we'll talk about that in a minute, depending on
(12:57):
how it is managed or expressed. Now, I love researcher
Brene Brown's simplified distinction between guilt and shame.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
Let's talk about that real quick.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Guilt says I did something bad, meaning I did something
against my value system, while shame says I am bad,
meaning I am unworthy, unkind, unlovable. Shame is harsh and
punitive and is never yours to carry. But here's the
(13:34):
positive side of guilt. I like guilt per this definition
because it helps me stay true to myself. It's like
an indicator light in the car that says the oil
is low. If I ignore it and keep driving, I
may harm the engine.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
Right. If I keep going against.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Myself in life, the consequences will be negative. But if
I feel guilt, I can check in with myself and
figure out why and then self correct. Maybe I do
owe someone an apology. Maybe I did do something bad
meaning against my value system. I can self correct. So
(14:21):
getting back to the choice of letting go, it's the
same thing. But when you realize you did not go
against yourself but honored yourself when you made the decision
to let go of someone or feelings towards them, or
whatever it may be in your case, then you also
(14:44):
must let go of having let go right and recognize
that if you're feeling guilt in this situation, that it's
misplaced guilt that you're feeling.
Speaker 3 (14:57):
Have you ever heard it said that guilt is option?
Speaker 2 (15:02):
I found that to be such a freeing statement as
an empathetic person. It gave me something to hold on
to as my choice. That guilt is an option that
contributes to my suffering. That I was trying to end
suffering by letting go of the whomever or the whatever
(15:23):
in the first place. So when it comes to that
kind of guilt, the negative guilt, the anxiety laden guilt,
I opt out. What about you, now, Regret that's the
other one. Oh, I'm just looking at the time. How
(15:46):
about we take our first break and we'll come back
and we'll talk about regret, which is closely akin as
an emotion to guilt.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
Don't go far. We'll be back with more sulcy fr.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Mike Zorich a three time California state champion in greco
Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike blind
SI's birth was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was a
six time national placer, including two seconds, two thirds, and
two fourths. He also won the Veteran's folk style wrestling
(16:21):
twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In all
these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy Zorich
a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to the
stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states. Her father,
a commercial artist who shared his instruments with his daughter
and helped her fine tune her natural abilities influence her
(16:44):
decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zorich has enjoyed
a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen Saturday mornings
at twelve Eastern for the Nancy and Mike Show for
heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM Global Network.
Speaker 4 (17:01):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work, life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure how.
(17:22):
I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for the Carrying Generation
radio show for caregivers and Aging Adults Wednesday evenings six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships, health, wellbeing,
and more. Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying Generation are
(17:42):
on my website Pamela Dwilson dot com, plus my Caregiving library.
Online caregiver support programs and programs for corporations interested in
supporting working caregivers. Help, hope and support for caregivers is
here on The Carrying Generation and Pamela d Wilson dot com.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Welcome back everyone. I'm in Papayote and this is sole
CPR a Bold Brave TV.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
Thank you for joining us today.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
So we were just talking about guilt and regrets. So
when we're letting go of someone or something, often once
we've made that decision and actually taken that action, we
might still carry forward something that's just as heavy, such
as guilt or regret. So regret is also a common
(18:31):
emotion that, let's say, occurs when our behavior results in
undesirable outcomes, not necessarily for us, but for people around us,
and maybe they create then an environment around us that
feels undesirable for us. And I see this with the
(18:56):
toxic family scenario quite often, and there's a lot of
maybe the whys and the what's wrong with you, and
then the kind of blaming the person for having set
some kind of boundary. And then this person starts having
(19:16):
regret because it feels perhaps more toxic than it maybe
did before, or at least what they experienced before they
were used to and now this is a whole new
battery of things, so regret can start coming in. But
if let's say we break up with a romantic partner
and are left feeling lonely, we may feel regret because
(19:39):
say we would rather be in a relationship that was
unhealthy or with the wrong person then be alone. But
if we break up then meet the love of our lives,
we quickly let go of regret, right so we don't
know what the possible outcome may be. Read is another
(20:01):
negative emotion, and it feels a lot like self blame,
so it too can have damaging effects on our mind
and body. And this one can resemble depression because there's
a lot of repetitive, negative, self focused thoughts. The way
(20:21):
out of regret is literally to trust yourself.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
When you make a decision.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Hold the letting go decision accountable to your values and
best interest and focus forward, limit exposure, which becomes a
boundary to those who would try to convince you otherwise.
So in that case, I would say regret can.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
Be an option, just like guilt.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Now you may feel some discomfort as you move into
something different and new, but you have opened yourself up
for opportunities like the letting go of an unhealthy relationship
and possibly now the opportunity to meet a true love.
And research shows that the two key things that lead
(21:16):
to regret in general are not taking opportunities in life.
So letting go of letting go? Is this an issue
for you? What if anything gets in your way once
(21:37):
you make the decision of letting go? Is it other
people's opinions, judgments? Is it being alone, the uncertainty of
what's coming next?
Speaker 3 (21:50):
What is it?
Speaker 2 (21:51):
Think about it? Because that's going to be the next
challenge right. I want to share a story about a
woman I worked with. We'll call her Emma. Emma carried
a heavy burden of guilt after ending a long term friendship.
She felt like she had failed as a friend, even
(22:13):
though the relationship had become one sided and emotionally draining.
Every time she thought about it, the regret would creep in,
whispering it should have tried harder. Now. The first thing
that I encouraged Emma to do was to sit with
her feelings instead of running from them. One afternoon, she
(22:35):
set aside time and lit a candle and simply let
herself feel. Tears came, but so did clarity. She realized
she wasn't guilty of being a bad friend. She was
feeling guilty for choosing herself. For the first time, this
(22:57):
was the moment she began to see her emotions as
ballad but not permanent. Now, Emma's inner critic kept telling her,
you're selfish for walking away, So we worked on reframing
those thoughts. She wrote them down in a journal, then
responded to them as if she were speaking to a
dear friend. I'm not selfish, she wrote, I'm human. I
(23:22):
did what I needed to do to protect my emotional health. Slowly,
those kinder thoughts began to drown out the critical ones. Now,
Emma admitted she regretted not addressing the imbalance in the
friendship sooner, so she wrote her former friend a heartfelt
(23:44):
letter not to send but to address her own feelings,
and in it she took responsibility for letting things linger
too long and forgave herself for not knowing how to
handle it better. This act of writing was her way
of releasing what she could not change. Now. One day,
(24:07):
Emma tried something new. She placed her hand over her heart,
closed her eyes and said aloud, I did the best
I could at the time, and I deserve peace. Not first,
it felt awkward, but over time this small act of
kindness toward herself became a daily ritual, and with each repetition,
(24:32):
her guilt softened. And to counter her regret, Emma began.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
A gratitude practice.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
Each morning, she wrote down one thing gained from letting
go of the friendship. Her list started with small things
such as I have more time for myself, and over
time her gratitude deepened to things like I've learned to
(25:03):
set boundaries, I've built healthier relationships. And these types of
reflections reminded her of how far she'd come. Finally, Emma
decided she needed closure, and she wrote all her lingering,
guilt and regret on a piece of paper. She folded
(25:25):
it carefully and burnt it in a small ceremony in
her backyard. Now she watched the paper turn to ash.
She imagined her guilt and regret dissolving too, and this
symbolic act marked turning point for her, a moment of release. Now,
(25:46):
as you listen to Emma's story, you need to know
that Emma did not go through this alone. She confided
in a close friend who reassured her she'd made the
right decision. She also worked with the coach. She joined
a support group where she found people who had faced
similar struggles on Facebook, and their stories gave her hope
(26:09):
and reminded her she wasn't the only one navigating these emotions.
And today, Emma says letting go of that friendship was
one of the hardest things she's ever done, but also
one of the most freeing things. She no longer carries
the weight of guilt and regret, and instead she carries
(26:33):
lessons about self worth and boundaries and the power of
choosing herself. So her story, I believe, reminds us that
letting go is a process, and every step in that process,
no matter how small or how big, moves us closer
(26:57):
to that piece that we do all seek in that
or from that Now in Emma's story, there were actually
practical steps to let go of guilt and regret. And
this is what I would call the art and remember
the series is the art and science of letting go.
(27:18):
So let's look back at what were the practical steps
outlined and emma story that you too can use if
you're looking to let go. The first one was acknowledge
and validate emotions. Emma set aside the time. Remember when
(27:43):
I said, she lit a candle and she let herself
feel and the tears came. So that's a practical step
acknowledge and validate the emotions. We talk about that a
lot on this show because so many of us minimize
our own feelings rather than feel them, or we bottle
(28:08):
them up, or we sett them aside, we push beyond them.
We need to sit with them, feel them, understand them,
allow them. So acknowledge and validate. Another step that we
heard in her story was to challenge the inner critic.
(28:29):
Remember how patishing that was in her story. Her inner
critic that in her message was telling her she was
selfish for walking away. So she had to work on
reframing those thoughts and she used a journal to do that.
What were the negative thoughts coming to her, she would
(28:51):
write those this was one of our activities or our
coaching challenges. She would write the negative messages and then
she would respond with a positive one in her journal.
Until it became easier and easier and easier to do that,
to challenge them without having to have the written ones.
(29:12):
It became a way of being rather than something to
have to do. That made sense. Another step that we
heard in her story was taking responsibility and releasing control.
So remember in her story, she took responsibility that she
had not addressed the imbalance in the relationship earlier, that
(29:34):
it had become one sided, that she hadn't really addressed
it and give it, I guess, given it the opportunity
to be different until it had taken too much of
a toll on her.
Speaker 3 (29:45):
So she took.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
Responsibility for that, wrote that heartfelt letter not to send it.
Who she owed it to was herself. She had to
forgive herself for.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
Having not.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
Taken it that action at that time, right, and let
go of that control, that need to change the past,
which is where we carried regret. Right, there's always that
need to change. She couldn't change it, so that became
an acceptance, releasing control. Another step we heard was the
(30:20):
practice of self compassion. That was when she placed her
hand over her heart, over her heart, and this is
something I've done in workshops. If anybody listening has been
in one of my workshops, I've probably had you picturing
over your heart. But in this particular case, her matra
(30:41):
was to say that she did the best she could
at the time and that she deserved peace. And this
is something that a lot of people struggle to say
I deserve better or to recognize themselves as having done
the best that they could. So this is a personal
act of kindness towards yourself. We're much better at giving
(31:04):
it to others than to ourselves. So this is something
that a commitment of repetition of a daily act of
kindness toward herself was practiced and it worked. Another step
was using gratitude to shift perspective. And gratitude is always
the key people, always the key to freedom in anything.
(31:27):
But Emma started a gratitude practice. As we heard in
her story, her list started with small things and it
grew over time. She was able to end up not
just with boundaries, but healthier relationships, which is a goal
with boundaries. But she started with just I think it
(31:47):
was time for herself, so recognizing gratitude and a practice
of gratitude, which can be a daily listing, whether you
start your morning with it in your day. I encourage both,
whether it's just in your thought life or in your
journaling practice, having that gratitude time creating a letting go
(32:14):
ritual that was her burning right for her closure of
the lingering guilt. So she wrote anything that was left
over the residual guilt on a piece of paper and
had that fire ceremony. We do this in a lot
of workshops too, and certainly at my retreats, there's always
(32:35):
going to be a letting go ritual to have a
symbolic marking of release. Loved love that okay. And the
last thing was her support. She sought support, and of
course she was going and she was a coaching client.
She also had a friend that was like minded that
(32:57):
could stand by her through this, and then she found
a group of people that she could network with if
you will, and share struggles and triumphs and support one
another on their way. I'm here to tell you you're never
alone in what you're going through. You just have to
have the courage to share your story. All right, it
(33:22):
is time for our second break. Don't go far and
we will come back with more.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
On sol CPR, Doctor RC will share extraordinary resources and
services that promote educational success as well as making a
difference in the lives of all social workers as well
as the lives of children, adolescents and teens of today.
She will have open discussions addressing many of the issues
that we face about our youth and how being employed
(33:50):
in the uniquely skilled profession of social work for over
eighteen years has taught invaluable lessons through her personal experiences.
She will also provide real life facts, examples, and personal
stories that will confirm that why serving as a child
advocate is extremely beneficial when addressing the needs of the
whole child. Listen Live to Dare to Soar Saturdays ten
(34:12):
am Eastern on the BBM Global Network and tune in
radio as doctor RC will provide thought provoking information that
will empower, encourage and strengthen students, families and communities across
our nation. You can also visit her at soarwith Katie
dot Com. Author, radio show host and coach John M.
(34:35):
Hawkins reveals strategies to help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity,
achieve goals. John M. Hawkins new book Coached to Greatness
Unlock Your Full Potential with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe,
Hawkins reveals strategies to help readers accomplish more. He believes
(34:56):
the book can coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that
the best athletes get to the top of their sport
with the help of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares
guidance that helps readers reflect on what motivates them. We
discover and assess their core values, philosophies and competencies, find
settings that allow them to be the most productive, and
(35:18):
track their progress towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John Hawkins
My Strategy Saturdays one pm Eastern on the BBM Global
Network and tune in.
Speaker 3 (35:29):
Radio and we're back.
Speaker 2 (35:34):
Thank you for being here with me today, whether you're
tuning in live or listening on demand. We have so
much to share this year, and we're just getting started
with the second in our Letting Go series. And what
we just talked about in Emma's story.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
Was really the art of letting go. So what's the.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
Science so if we understand the brain's role, well, I
want you to know that guilt often triggers the amygdala,
and that's our emotional processing center, and this activation creates
a heightened sense of emotional distress. So if guilt's an option,
(36:20):
why ought for additional emotional distress? Right? Practicing mindfulness meditation
can help reduce this overactivation and allow you to process
guilt more calmly. There's been a study on mindfulness that
showed that even eight weeks of consistent practice significantly reduced
(36:42):
emotional reactivity and helped the participants manage guilt more effectively.
Speaker 3 (36:48):
So there you go.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
If you're struggling with guilt, there is science behind why
and how to decrease that struggle. And then when it
comes to or regret, it often stems from those repetitive
thoughts about past decisions. As we said, well, the brain's
neuroplasticity allows us to rewire these thought patterns by introducing
(37:12):
new empowering narratives. This is all about the story we
tell ourselves about whatever it is.
Speaker 3 (37:21):
Right.
Speaker 2 (37:22):
So this comes back to another art. Journaling daily about
one positive outcome from a past decision that you regret
can help reframe the experience and we want to reframe
that experience. Why, Because of neuroplasticity, we're literally rewiring our
(37:45):
brain as you start reframing. So, for instance, leaving a
toxic relationship might have led to personal growth, or a
new opportunity, or taking a chance on something that brought
in a new friend, whatever it may be, what's at
least one thing, one positive outcome from a decision that
(38:08):
you've held.
Speaker 3 (38:08):
On to regret about. More science.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Studies by doctor Kristen Neff, I believe I have that
correct show that practicing self compassion activates the brain's soothing system,
reducing feelings of guilt and shame. So there's a plug
for being kind to yourself. This is associated with increased
(38:34):
activity in the ventromedial prefernal cortex, which governs self acceptance.
So be kind to yourself. There's science behind it. So
when guilt arises, at placing your hand over your heart
and speaking kindly to yourself as Emma did, Speaking to
(38:54):
yourself like you would a best friend can calm neural
path ways and promote hormonal release. That's calming.
Speaker 3 (39:09):
Hello, this is how we help ourselves.
Speaker 2 (39:14):
Now, what about EFT emotional freedom techniques?
Speaker 3 (39:18):
We have done this on.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
The show before. EFT is tapping. So tapping on acupressure
points has been shown to reduce cortisol, the stress hormone
levels which are elevated during periods of guilt or regret.
So a study found that participants who practiced EFT experienced
(39:41):
a significant decrease in distress related to unresolved emotions. They
reported greater clarity and peace about their decisions. So, regretting
your decision, try tapping.
Speaker 3 (39:58):
More.
Speaker 2 (39:59):
Science, visualization can stimulate the brain's reward center and encourage
dopamine release. So visualizing excuse me, a fulfilling future without
the burden of guilt can create positive reinforcement for letting go.
(40:22):
So the art of visualization is creating dopamine release, positive reinforcement.
So if we spend just say, five minutes each day
visualizing ourselves feeling light and free and having embraced let's say,
(40:47):
the wisdom that we've gained from our decisions, rather than
the weight of feeling guilty or regretful, I wonder what
might be different for us? All right, So art and
science and the two shall marry one another to create
(41:08):
our best outcomes. Now, something else that I wanted to
talk to you about today. There's a theory recently made
popular by motivational guru Mail Robbins called the let them theory.
Speaker 3 (41:25):
Have you heard about this?
Speaker 2 (41:28):
It means let people be who they are do what
they do without allowing it to impact you negatively or
affect you in a way that you become reactive or
experience negative energy. Ultimately, it's a mindset to help you
let go of expectations of others and to let go
(41:49):
of what you cannot control, while focusing on the second
part of the theory, which is let me meaning be
who I am, true to me, in control of what
I can control, let me be healthy, whole, etc. Keep going,
filling in the blanks. And it reminds me of the
(42:12):
final chapter in my co authored book, The Gift of Shift.
It's titled The Gift of Beautiful and it's a play
on the word beautiful with the word you yo you
spelled out and I talk about being like a caged lion,
(42:33):
pacing back and forth waiting for my husband who is
never on time, becoming more and more agitated and frustrated,
ultimately affecting not only my state of mind and body,
but then our relationship until I make a decision to
(42:58):
let him be him and let me be me. Now,
what I came to accept was that while time was
a high value for me on time specifically, it simply
(43:19):
was not for him. So when it was time to
leave for an important event, if he wasn't ready, I
would choose to go alone and not be kept pacing
(43:40):
furiously waiting, feeling caged while he's singing in the shower, unaffected,
and he would find his way to the event on
his own, in his own time. Now, since I changed
how I showed up, he has as well. He now
(44:01):
steps it up for important occasions because he really doesn't
want to go alone. That impacted his value a different value,
and I've relaxed about the less important events. Let's say,
going to the movies. I don't have to maybe see
the previews, even though I enjoy them, But I can
(44:24):
relax on that on time event so that we can
show up together. So harmony and balance have started coexisting.
That freedom of letting go I have it not from
(44:45):
letting go of my value, but from letting go of
the requirement that he have the same one, that he
show up in life living the same way as I do.
(45:06):
When there's a marriage or a committed relationship, there has
to be compromise, and that is what we found. But
there are deal breaker values and those are the ones
that you have to get on the same page about.
But then there are these where you can find the compromise,
(45:27):
and that is what we were able to work for.
But I had to let go of the expectation to
free myself from that cage and frustration and the impact
that it had on my marriage, which was negative because
I was in a bad mood, definitely in a bad mood.
(45:49):
All right, it is time for our third and final
break and when we come back, we will have some
final thoughts on this show, and I'll give you a
little preview for what's coming up in the third part
of the Letting Go series see soon.
Speaker 4 (46:09):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse.
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure
how I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for The Carrying
(46:31):
Generation radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings,
six Pacific, seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where
I answer these questions and share tips for managing stress,
family relationships, health, wellbeing, and more. Podcasts and transcripts of
The Carrying Generation are on my website Pamela Dwilson dot com,
(46:52):
plus my Caregiving Library. Online caregiver support programs and programs
for corporations interested in supporting working caregivers. Help, hope and
support for caregivers is here on The Carrying Generation and
Pamela Dwilson dot com.
Speaker 1 (47:08):
Mike Zorich a three time California state champion in Greco
Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike blind
six birth, was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was a
six time national placer, including two seconds, two thirds, and
two fourths. He also won the Veteran's Folk Style Wrestling
(47:29):
twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In all
these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy Zorich
a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to the
stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states. Her father,
a commercial artist who shared his instruments with his daughter
and helped her fine tune her natural abilities influence her
(47:52):
decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zorich has enjoyed
a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen Saturday Morning.
He's a twelve E student for the Nancy and Mike
Show for heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM
Global Network.
Speaker 2 (48:12):
Welcome back everyone. I just wanted to read a little
excerpt from the Gift of Beautiful. I wanted to share.
The story I share was we were on our way
to a wedding and I did leave him in the
shower and go on to the wedding without him, which
was a bit shocking for him. However, it is what
(48:32):
allowed us to find this place of compromise eventually.
Speaker 3 (48:40):
But what I.
Speaker 2 (48:41):
Realized was that I had come to realize that in
all the scenarios, that he was never thinking what I
was feeling. Right, he wasn't thinking what I was feeling.
The conflict was within me and invisible to him. And
I could influence my husband but not control him to
(49:01):
think or be like me. I could, however, choose to
be me. That was what was within my control, my choice,
and ultimately my personal responsibility for creating my own happiness.
It was also my responsibility to share and be myself
with him. Many of my clients are dealing with relationship conflicts, separation, divorce.
(49:27):
Regardless of your situation, I'm sure you've heard of a
term used in family court irreconcilable differences, and such differences
are often related to those non deal breaker values and
daily living nuances where individuals failed to learn to take
responsibility for creating their own outcomes. So much could be
(49:48):
reconciled if we were open to taking guidance before falling
into the depths of those cosmic divides too far to
climb back. But it's when we discount our value you
systems and make choices that compromise them that we experience
guilt and some of its emotional cousins. For example, if
(50:10):
I were late arriving to the wedding, I may have
felt embarrassment. I may then have blamed my husband for
my feelings, which would have created unnecessary conflict in our relationship.
And it's the negative emotions that are the thieves of
our peace and happiness, So why go through life against ourselves?
(50:31):
Being in conflict with your values is a self defeating behavior,
So get clear on who you are and what you
stand for.
Speaker 3 (50:40):
Be yourself.
Speaker 2 (50:40):
Everyone else has taken, as they say, and you are
beautiful just the way you are now. Coming up this month,
I have some incredible guests to share with you. There
are personal stories of overcoming and healing, and we will
also have part three to our Letting Go series. And
(51:02):
in that third and final part, we're going to explore
how once we really least, all we need to that
what comes next is really learning to trust the process
of life even when the future feels uncertain, because it's
about having created the space for what's to come right,
(51:27):
Because letting go isn't about an ending, it's the beginning
of something new. So as this episode of Soul CPR
comes to a close, remember that healing is not a
linear journey, but rather a process of profound transformation. If
(51:47):
today's episode resonated with you, please share the podcast with
someone who might need a lifeline of their own. Subscribe,
rate and leave a review to help us reach more hearts,
and you can always connect with me on social media
on Facebook, at Skyview Coaching, Instagram, LinkedIn, and x it
will be at Anne Papayodelet you know your thoughts, your
(52:08):
stories and the topics you'd like to explore in future episodes,
and you can get the Gift of Shift on Amazon.
I think we may have a link to show you
or definitely be in the show notes if you're interested
in that book and to read more about different themes
in life and guided journaling prompts for each of those stories.
(52:28):
Until next time, may you find the strength and your
vulnerability and the courage and your journey. I thank you
for listening. Breath thiefly, love openly, and live soulfully.
Speaker 1 (52:43):
This has been soul CPR with host and Papa Yode
breathe life back into your spirit with each episode where
she and special guests explore the relationships that hurt us
and discover that healing can only begin with you. Tuesdays
at night, three pm Eastern on the Bold Brave TV
Network
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