January 28, 2025 • 69 mins
In this powerful episode, we explore one woman’s inspiring journey of breaking free from the shackles of poverty, abuse, maternal manipulation, and addiction. Through resilience and self-discovery, she redefines what love means—both for herself and in her relationships. Tune in as we uncover the strength it takes to heal generational wounds, rewrite your narrative, and embrace a life filled with self-love and authenticity.
This episode is a testament to the human spirit’s capacity to heal and transform, offering hope and actionable insights for anyone seeking to overcome a painful past.
#SoulCPR #childhoodtrauma #healingjourney #overcomingaddiction #maternalmanipulation #unconditionallove #breakthecycle #generationalhealing #singlemomsuccess #personalgrowth #survivorstory #redefininglove
Guest Contact:
https://www.smartcleaningdfw.com
https://www.facebook.com/sarah.smart.50
https://www.smartcleaningdfw.com
This episode is a testament to the human spirit’s capacity to heal and transform, offering hope and actionable insights for anyone seeking to overcome a painful past.
#SoulCPR #childhoodtrauma #healingjourney #overcomingaddiction #maternalmanipulation #unconditionallove #breakthecycle #generationalhealing #singlemomsuccess #personalgrowth #survivorstory #redefininglove
Guest Contact:
https://www.smartcleaningdfw.com
https://www.facebook.com/sarah.smart.50
https://www.smartcleaningdfw.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Are you ready to untangle from your past, recover from heartbreak,
and revive your life. This is Soul CPR with your
host and Papa Yode. We've all had soul crushing experiences
and lost ourselves in our pain, but there is a
way out. On this podcast, Amazon best selling author, award
winning life coach and advice columnist and Papa Yode helps
(00:27):
us navigate the path from heartbreak to healing. So now
please welcome the host of Soul CPR and Papa Yode.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Hello everyone, and thank you for tuning in today. Whether
you're a regular follower or you're just joining us, we're
glad that you are here. And as you can see,
I'm not alone in my home office studio today. My guest,
Sarah Smart is here with me and we're going to
talk about redefining love after childhood trauma that can confuse
(01:02):
the definition based on experiences during that very formidable time
in life. Sarah is a single mom and an entrepreneur
whose truly indomitable spirit has helped her overcome some of
life's most i'm going to say, unthinkable challenges, if you will,
(01:24):
from a childhood riddled with abuse and manipulation that confused
her definition of love. It led to addiction and uh,
but she found her way to recovery and she's going
to share those kind of stories with us today. And
she it also led to creating a very successful business
(01:47):
that she shares with her children, and along the way,
she learned what love is and is not. And she's
here today to share her story. So, Sarah, thank you
for joining us on the show.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Thank you for having me. It's definitely an honor.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Thank you well. One of the very blessings of this show,
as we were talking about before, for me, has been
the opportunity to have extraordinary, ordinary people come and share
this space and time and to tell their stories, sometimes
for the very first time, kind of out loud on
this type of platform, and to inspire others who can
(02:26):
relate to their journey. Yes, yeah, I'm excited, good, good, good,
I know, and this is I think you shared with me.
This is sort of the first time for you to
do this kind of out loud in this way.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
Yes, this would be my first time. Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Well, it does take courage, and courage means doing something
in spite of fear. So I respect that and honor
that in you today.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
Thank you. I appreciate the opportunity.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
I know you do. Well, let's talk a little bit
about your early childhood, if you could share like a
limps into your early childhood and how some of those experiences,
of course shaped your understanding of love and your self worth.
So I know from our original discussions that your parents
(03:18):
separated or divorced or when you were an infant, So
what happened from that.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Point when I was born.
Speaker 4 (03:27):
I don't have any regulations recollections of my parents being together.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
Whenever I was very young.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
My mom faced her own addictions and she went to
prison pretty early in my childhood. I had a brother
that was very ill from birth, and so my dad
needed to focus on his health, getting him back and
forth to the doctors and things of that nature.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
So my mom's mom and dad my name all my papa.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
They took me in when I was about six months old,
and uh it you know, raised me for you know,
most of my younger childhood years. My brother was very
ill his entire life, and he passed away when he
was nine and I was eight, so we were only
(04:23):
a year apart in age. And uh that's when I
transitioned more and into where my transition to my living
where I was living into living with my father. But
I would visit my father and my brother Chase on
the weekends whenever they would be in state for being
(04:46):
able to spend time with my brother, and uh, my
mother was still in prison all those years, even after
my brother passed away.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
I see.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
So living with your grandparents, fris, did you experienced love
there in your grandparents' home?
Speaker 4 (05:06):
My my you know, my papa, Uh, that were my
first ever loved and they loved me relentlessly and tried
to do the best that they could for me. And Uh,
they you know, they made the best decisions that they
thought were the best at the time.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Right with information they had. That's beautiful. So during this
early childhood, you mentioned that you would go to spend
weekends with your father and visit your brother. What were
weekends like for you in that scenario?
Speaker 3 (05:43):
They were very volatile.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
That's where I my first experiences with you know, different
types of abuse.
Speaker 3 (05:54):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (05:55):
Unfortunately it was kind of a double edged sword. I
would get to see my brother there, but also you know,
not great memories uh for those weekend trips.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (06:08):
You know, my brother was very delicate physically, and I
was a very normal functioning child, you know, and you know,
would do you know, normal things that a kid would do,
and the punishments would not necessarily be appropriate for you know,
the things that I would do or you know, I
(06:31):
my dad was definitely in high tense situations with my
brother's care. He was young and my mom wasn't there,
so the stress level I could imagine.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
Was enormous for him.
Speaker 4 (06:44):
Unfortunately, I did get usually the brent end of that frustration.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
And so yeah, yeah, and you were really young. Yeah,
so this is up till about eight years old. Yeah,
my brother away whenever I was eight. Unfortunately, it actually
it did get worse after my brother passed away. My
dad did remarry, and at that time, my grandparents felt that,
(07:14):
you know, it was in my best insures to be
at least with one of my parents. My mother still
was incarcerated at the time, and so I did move
in with my dad and my new stepmom, and I
gained a brother his name He was seventeen. He was
older than me, but he had much going distrophee so
(07:36):
he was wheelchair mound also like my biological brother, So
in a sense, I had gotten another brother. And so
we bonded pretty fast, me and my stepbrother. So, first
of all, I'm sorry for the loss of your biological brother.
I'm sure that was quite impactful. Yeah, had such a
(08:00):
young age and the fact that you were just a
yr part. I'm sure you were quite close.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
He was my best friend.
Speaker 4 (08:08):
I didn't ever really understand that my brother was different,
because I mean, that's how he was my whole life.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
So I was very protective over my brother.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
He was I mean, he you never would have known
he was going through the things that he was going
through physically. I don't think I ever saw him cry.
And he was a character. He always liked to, you know,
play jokes, and he was just a funny person. So
I think when he died, I didn't really understand it.
I was actually very angry with him for a while.
(08:44):
I didn't I didn't understand death right just he you know,
just he just wasn't there anymore. And so I think
that was, you know, different for me. So when I
got a new brother, you know, I really really bonded
with him fast.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Yes, yeah, yeah, Grief isn't is a funny thing, isn't it,
And at that age, not understanding it you said it
things got worse after your biological brother died, But I'm
curious did you had you shared with your grandparents what
you were enduring on the weekends on the visits.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
So to an extent, I think that as a kid,
you really don't know how to explain things all the way,
and there is a fear of you know, telling people,
and back then, really mistreatment of children it was more embarrassing.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
You know.
Speaker 4 (09:48):
Now people talk about it very openly, but one of
where I was little, it was a very it was
humiliating for families to know that things like that were
going on in the family and things were easily excused.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
And then also that my.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
Mom was incarcerated and my mom was an addict already
added embarrassment to the family. So it was better for
you know, u's just to just go on like it
was normal.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Sounds like you learned to mask at a really young age. Yeah, yes,
So how did you feel about it when your grandparents
thought that you should go live with your father?
Speaker 3 (10:33):
You know, it's funny and you asked that.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
I don't even remember that part in the transition, I
honestly just remember it almost seemed like one day I
was at my brother's funeral and the next day I
was living in a different home. At first, I was
really excited because I had never had a mom, and
(10:56):
all of a sudden, I had a step mom, right.
Uh you know, she was not that welcoming to me,
and uh it almost seemed like she helped fuel my
dad's anger towards me.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
So I was kind of shunned within the house.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (11:18):
You know, I I portrayed a lot of signs that
a lot of people. It was very noticeable that things
were not okay. Of course, now I look back at it,
and you know, simple things like waiting the bed till
I was eleven years old. You know, I never knew
that things like that were not normal. Uh you know,
(11:40):
like I said, you know, we didn't have social media,
the Internet and stuff back then. So to know that
like things were like that were not normal, it just
you just you just didn't know, you know.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Yeah. Thinking about your biological brother and now your stepbrother
both having diagnoses disabilities, if you will, were they mistreated?
Speaker 4 (12:08):
No so?
Speaker 3 (12:09):
And you know, and I think that was something that.
Speaker 4 (12:13):
Uh, in a way, like in my my my father
was never abusive towards like my step siblings because I
also had a step sister, but me and her never
bonded and we never got close.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
She was a lot older than me. And uh this,
so it was.
Speaker 4 (12:33):
Me and my stepbrother. So my my biological brother had
gachets and my step brother had much goodystrophe. So me
and him bonded over playing video games and I got
to have my step brother for a whole I want
to say, almost two years before he passed away. And
(12:53):
uh so at eleven, I lost my my my stepbrother,
another big loss. So two people that you were bonded with,
that you were close to. That again, perhaps.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Love was there without abuse or manipulation in the relationships
with the two brothers.
Speaker 4 (13:14):
Yes, yeah, they they in turn were my my my
best friends.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Your best friends.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
So when did you experience the next transition, which as
I understand that you left your father's home to go
live with your mom, which she left prison. YEA talk
to us about that.
Speaker 4 (13:33):
So after my step brother passed away, you know, knowing
exact timeslines I sometimes where things get foggy. Sure there
was things that happened in between my my second brother
passing away and me what I always stay meeting my
mom for the first time, even though there's pictures whenever
(13:55):
I was a baby of me with her, But to
me like that would be like my first real recula
recollection of meeting my mother. Sure, my stepmom's family, uh,
you know, treated me as such as well. And there
were also teenage boys in the family. And I think
(14:18):
one of the biggest things I've probably learned in the
last decade of my life is that you know, when
you're exposed to predators, and they see that even when
you have asked for help, it almost puts a target
on your back, and they know that it's okay for
them to do things to you. And because they know
(14:42):
that one even if you were to speak up, nobody's
going to listen to you, nobody's going to believe you,
and so they feel almost free will that it's okay
for them to to do whatever they want to to you.
So at a very young age, I was very promiscuous
and actually used to get in trouble for it at
school in elementary you know, with you know, just even
(15:07):
like I wasn't allowed to play with certain friends and
stuff like that because I would do things that I
shouldn't know anything about, and like I said, you know,
back then, you know, it almost it almost seemed like
you were just making everything up in and there were
(15:29):
you know, friends, moms and things that sometimes would kind
of you know.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
You know, hey, you can come stay the night over here.
Speaker 4 (15:37):
But as abarising is because I would still still with
the bed, so you know, I didn't want to, so
I would choose not to. But so after my second
brother passed away, I want to say, maybe six months
to a year within that, my mom got out of prison,
(16:00):
and you know, my whole raising, I was always told
because I look identical to my mom, I was always
kind of told that, you know, I was going to
be like her, and it was just kind of you know,
the verbal manipulation and abuse is. I don't think one
abuse is worse than the other, and I don't think
one abuse is better than the other. I think that
(16:22):
they're all bad, and when they're combined, you know, that
can be you know, really bad.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
So there was a lot of you know, don't be
like your mom. You look like your mom, You're going
to be just like her.
Speaker 4 (16:36):
You know, your mom doesn't love you, and you know,
and I did believe some of it, you know, but
I really wanted my mom to love me. So when
I first I remember my mom's showing up to my
dad and my stepmom's house and it just just she
(16:57):
was so beautiful, and you know, I just like, you know,
she was kind of like everything that I dreamed of
her to be as my mom, you know, me not
really understanding, you know, the choices that she had made,
and not understanding my mom's addiction and her mental state
from having her son passed away while she was in
(17:17):
prison because she was not there, you know, she didn't
really know my brother. I like said, she was gone
at a very she was gone at a young age
for us. And one thing that my mom I think
now as an adult, I've looked back and thought, you know,
why didn't my mom try to save me earlier? Because
(17:40):
one of the things that she manipulated me with was
that without me having to say anything, was nobody will
ever hurt you whenever you're around me, Like nobody will
ever beat you, and nobody will ever touch you, you know,
And so you know, I thought she was going to
save me, so I ran to her from that.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
That is such a message that I want us to
hold on to. It's time for our first commercial break.
But what a drawing in message. No one will hurt you.
This is safety security, which is what a mother represents
for a child. Yes, right, safety security, nurturing all of
(18:25):
those things. And like you said, you were virtually meeting
her for the first time within your memory. So we're
going to talk more about that when we come back.
So don't go far and we'll be back with more,
soel CPR.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
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(18:59):
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(19:22):
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(19:42):
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Speaker 2 (20:42):
Hello everyone, and welcome back. This is sol CPR. I'm
and Papayotti with my guest Sarah Smart today and we
are talking about childhood trauma and redefining love because of
how it becomes defined for us when we experience trauma
and childhood. And Sarah, in revealing your story, you know
there's a lot of loss in your childhood to brothers
(21:04):
that you were close with and bonded with you In
your story already, you've shared the physical, verbal, emotional sexual
abuse in early childhood. Your mom, whom you didn't really
know she was incarcerated when you were an infant or already, right,
and so here you have lived in different homes and
(21:28):
here she now shows up at your father's store where
a lot of this abuse has occurred, and you've dreamed
of who she may be for you. You know she's
had addictions, you know she's been incarcerated because of her
addictions or behaviors associated with addiction. But who she could
be for you is something you've held near and dear
(21:50):
to your heart, despite taunting's about who you're going to
be if you're going to be like her, right and
being sort of already labeled that you're going.
Speaker 4 (22:02):
To be like your mom, Yeah, yeah, that was a
label that I still believe to this day that I
wear in some people's eyes, no matter how far I've
come in life.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
But here, here she was offering me this to come
with her. That harm is behind you, safety is in
front of you. So tell us about going to live
with your mom.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:29):
So at first, like I mean, you know, she she did.
She she showered me with things that I had never
really known. I mean, I mean, you go as far
as to even like being a young lady and coming
into womanhood and things like that, and she wasn't around
to teach me those types of things. So here she was,
you know, showing me how to put on makeup and
(22:51):
showing me how to do my hair and you know,
things that I had tried to do on my own.
And you know, so I was it was almost like
like being in a movie. It was extremely short lived
because at that time, like I had never been around drugs.
I didn't really know, you know, like what why they
(23:13):
were so bad? You know, my you know, I just
I hadn't. I just didn't know. I was just a kid,
and you know my mom, Uh, there was why she
went to prison the first time, was too fraud and
and drugs.
Speaker 3 (23:28):
So she was.
Speaker 4 (23:29):
She was a professional scam artist and I was probably
her biggest.
Speaker 3 (23:36):
You know, scam.
Speaker 4 (23:38):
And because once I was in her possession, it was
more of a control thing with the rest of the
family that she has me now, you know, and you
know to me, you know, going through everything I had
been through as a child, and nobody had ever protected me,
(23:59):
and for she was offering me protection and so I
almost worshiped her and and I wanted to do anything
I could to make her love me more. And so
I would help her do things, the illegal things, stealing
and lying to people, and you know, she just you know,
(24:19):
she she taught me all that, and you know, she
would she got my nails done for me for the
first time. You know, she showed me how to be
pretty and you know, things like that. And there there
was a significant, uh situation to when I knew that
my mother was not going to protect me, and but
(24:40):
the shame of admitting that I couldn't do and uh
it was and it was we were swimming in a
swimming pool and her friends and they were drinking and
this gentleman you know, touched me and I in the
swimming pool with her right there, and it was a
very vulgar touch and was not an accident. And I
(25:02):
told my mom and I thought, you know, finally, you know,
this has happened with so many people and so many
different occasions, and this is this happened. And I almost
felt empowered because to me, it was almost nothing that
he touched me that way, because I was so desensitized
from it at that point. And I went and I
(25:24):
told her, and she told me we were at her
friend's apartment. She said, go back to, you know, the apartment,
and I'll take care of it. And I said, okay,
and I went back to the apartment, and then I
remember leaving the apartment to look for It's a very
vague memory of that particular moment, and when I couldn't,
finally went back to the apartment and she was sleeping
(25:46):
with him. And it was at that point in time
that I knew that my mom was not going to
protect me. But I could not go back to where
I came from, and a lot of people asked me
why didn't I go to my grandparents. I was extremely
ashamed and I couldn't do it, and so that led
(26:09):
to I continued to live that type of lifestyle with
my mom. It probably was maybe about a year into
me living with her that I started doing drugs with her.
My mom they cooked methinmfetamies in our backshd and we
were extremely poor, and my grandparents were not necessarily well off,
(26:31):
but they worked very hard. My dad was not very
well off, so you know, we lived very poor. My
mom was extremely not well off, and so we lived
even more poor. You know, things condemned homes and things
(26:52):
like that, and no running water, no ac or heating
in the home, central icy and heating in the home.
We lived in a very poverty area where you know,
drug addicts were very common. And my mom had actually
gotten married to my stepfather, who I adore even in
(27:15):
his passing, and I still have a lot of respect
for that man. He was a very safe place for me.
But I did do drugs with my mom and my stepdad.
And I know that sounds crazy to say that he
was a safe place for me and I did drugs
with him, but he was. But in their marriage, I
gained a third brother. I had his third brother, and
(27:41):
he was very young. And I when I say that,
I was thirteen and he was eleven, and we were
actively doing mess with both of our parents, his dad
and my mom.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
And he became an addict as a young teenager.
Speaker 3 (27:58):
Yes, I did.
Speaker 4 (27:59):
I used myth every day And it was kind of
ironic how it actually started, because it wasn't actually my
mom that gave me myth. The first time. I remember
me and my little brother where we were on our
way to the bus stop and the people that were
actually cooking meth in our back shed.
Speaker 3 (28:22):
It took us down to the.
Speaker 4 (28:24):
Bus stop and we were so hungry because we literally
never had any food. I didn't even know what food
stamps were then, but my mom was a feeling so
she couldn't have gotten them anyways, as I've learned as
an adult, you know, that's probably why we didn't have that,
and we were hungry, and they stuck it in a
piece of toilet paper and said, if you eat this,
(28:45):
you won't be hungry. And that was literally how it
started until you know, we were actively doing it every
day that you said you.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Were doing it actually with your mom and your stepfather. Yes,
And did that feel like did your mom love you
more because of it?
Speaker 3 (29:04):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (29:04):
I felt like I felt like and I know this
sense kind of bad to say, even to this day,
I felt like that was probably the most bonding that
we had because I didn't, you know, say anything bad
about it, and I would just do it with her.
And then it became to where I enjoyed doing it,
you know, I enjoyed doing it. You know, at that time,
(29:29):
I wasn't being physically harmed in my eyes, you know,
nobody was hitting me, nobody was hurting me. Even though
I had lost that trust with her at the beginning,
in a sense, it almost like rekindled our relationship to
where I almost felt like I could trust her again.
Speaker 2 (29:48):
Interesting. Well, two things I want to say about that.
One is the man was not a gentleman who touched you.
That's a very formal way to say that, who touched
you inappropriately? That what interesting thing. And one thing that
I do know is that daughters seek the love of
their mother and the approval of their father, and sons
(30:08):
seek the love of their father and the love of
their mother, sorry, and the approval of their of their father.
So it's it's in reverse, I'm sorry, approval of mom
and love of dads and vice versa. I think I
just say that backwards, right.
Speaker 4 (30:25):
Yeah, interesting enough, my mom, would you know constantly remind
me that at least it wasn't as bad as living
with my dad. And it's as an adult I heard
that from my dad and in my head, I don't
see one was better than the other.
Speaker 3 (30:44):
No, not at all.
Speaker 2 (30:46):
Not at all, another form of abuse. So you went
from abuse to abuse, different forms and no. And I
think confusing that with mom approving you because you would
do drugs with her feels like love. It feels like protection,
lost trust for a moment that that embarrassment, humiliation, things
(31:08):
that you describe. I'm sure people can relate to. Thank
you for sharing this part of your story. It is
time for our second break. I believe I'm seeing on
screen we're going to come back with Sarah and more
of her story and how she moved through this and
what was the turning point for her and how she
broke free. So don't go far. We'll be back with
more sol CPR.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
Doctor RC will share extraordinary resources and services that promote
educational success as well as making a difference in the
lives of all social workers as well as the lives
of children, adolescents, and teens of today. She will have
open discussions addressing many of the issues that we face
about our youth and how being employed in the uniquely
skilled profession of social work for over eighteen years has
(31:52):
taught invaluable lessons through her personal experiences. She will also
provide real life facts, examples, and personal stories that will
confirm that why serving as a child advocate is extremely
beneficial when addressing the needs of the whole child. Listen
Live to Dare to Soar Saturdays ten am Eastern on
the BBM Global Network and tune in radio as Doctor
(32:15):
RC will provide thought provoking information that will empower, encourage
and strengthen students, families and communities across our nation. You
can also visit her at soarwith Katie dot com.
Speaker 5 (32:30):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse.
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure
how I'm Family d Wilson Join me for the Caring
(32:52):
Generation Radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings,
six Pacific, seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where
I answer these questions and share tips for managing stress,
family relationships, health, wellbeing and more. Podcasts and transcripts of
The Carrying Generation are on my website Pamela Dwilson dot com,
(33:13):
plus my Caregiving Library. Online caregiver support programs and programs
for corporations interested in supporting working caregivers. Help, hope and
support for caregivers is here on The Carrying Generation and
Pamela Dwilson dot com.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Hello again and we are back. We are talking about
redefining love after childhood trauma, and I want to clarify
something that I was saying before the break. Girls want
to feel approved by their moms and feel loved by
their fathers, and it's the opposite for boys. They want
to feel loved by their moms and they want to
(33:50):
feel approved of by their fathers. And I can imagine
Sarah and your story and share with your mom that
you felt approved by your mom when you do drugs
with her, You felt approved by her when you were
getting your hair and nails done the way that she
was teaching you and showing up in life the way
(34:10):
you were. But I can't imagine being a thirteen year
old hungry that someone says eat this, and you won't
be hungry. Of course you would, right, But next thing
you know, you find yourself addicted to meth and doing
math daily yourself at thirteen, with a younger brother at eleven.
It's quite a sad story, another form of abuse. And
while your mother is telling you it's not as bad
(34:32):
as a dad's yeah, and a young mind starts believing that,
right I did.
Speaker 3 (34:39):
I did. I definitely believed it.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
So what was the turning point in your life?
Speaker 4 (34:45):
When I was fifteen, I was raped by two people
and it was a very violent, brutal rape. I think
a lot of people just assume that when you say
you've been, like, you know, sexually abused, that they just
(35:08):
automatically is always violent.
Speaker 3 (35:10):
That's actually not the truth.
Speaker 4 (35:12):
I would say ninety percent of the sexual abuse I
experienced was very intimate, in a manipulating way, very sincere
in the very manipulating way, more or less just to
get my guard down and to get me comfortable into
also so that I wouldn't say anything.
Speaker 3 (35:30):
This particular occasion. It was extremely violent.
Speaker 4 (35:34):
To this day, I still have scars on my body
from what they did to me, and I did go.
My mom actually was right there when they basically delivered
me back to her, and she refused to call the
police because they were actively cooking meth in the backyard,
(35:57):
and so my mother treated my wounds at home. I
was still in school, and the coach noticed things, you know,
and uh spoke up on them, and at that point
I was actually taken out of school. And it was
maybe a month or so into that. I saw my
(36:19):
grandparents the day after I was raped, and my nanog
to this day she you know, I finally actually just
told them a couple of years ago, because she would
always ask me, you know, I knew something was wrong.
I knew something was wrong. You know, why didn't you
come and tell us. I was so addicted to drugs
at that time, and at that time I also was promiscuous,
(36:43):
and so in a sense, I almost felt like I
deserved it. And so there was probably a couple of
months after that. What I what I remember, but the
swat team did kick in our door and they had
took my stepdad had already went back to present a
couple of months before that, and then and then they
(37:04):
took my mom back to prison when I was fifteen.
So at that point CPS didn't step in. Nobody came in.
That the police actually left me and my little brother
there at the house with and I know it almost
sounds unreal, but it's it's one hundred percent truth.
Speaker 3 (37:20):
Wow, nobody came.
Speaker 4 (37:21):
And so after two weeks of us living there, me
and him ended up on the streets. And that's when
you know, I I I was really.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
Into the gang life.
Speaker 4 (37:35):
I had found you know, safety in other places in
the streets and still actively using.
Speaker 3 (37:44):
And you know, I I.
Speaker 4 (37:47):
Remained homeless until I actually got pregnant with.
Speaker 3 (37:51):
My first kid.
Speaker 2 (37:52):
So what did getting pregnant with your first child do
for your mindset and what you wanted in life.
Speaker 4 (38:04):
I had never had a reason to live, nor had
ever actually thought about that at the time. I had
never had. There was one little girl that I used
to look after in my neighborhood that had a really
hard life, and I would I would protect her and
I would look out for her and you know, make
sure she had food. You know, even though I didn't
(38:24):
like I would, I still I am still have a
great relationship with this little girl. She's a fantastic mother.
But uh, when I found out I was pregnant with
my son, I was. I was on drugs that day
and I was actually a couple of months pregnant and
I didn't know it, and I had gotten into I
(38:44):
was in a vehicle that was in a car accident,
and that's how I found out I was pregnant. And
I don't know, something just came over me, like I
don't I for once in my life, I had something
to live for. I didn't really know what that was.
I didn't know what that felt like. But just I
will be thankful for to the day I die that
I literally was able to put the method down that day.
Speaker 2 (39:09):
So it sounds like it was a decision, yes, because
of the inspiration and a motivation. So you were able
to put the meth down that day. No withdrawals, no
drug rehab, no no.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
But I gained a lot of weight.
Speaker 4 (39:23):
I had never had an appetite like that before in
my life, but I did.
Speaker 3 (39:27):
I gained a lot of weight. But I was very secluded.
Speaker 4 (39:33):
I don't really remember a lot about that time in
my life, just other than the fact that I just
don't I don't know. I'll be grateful for that strength
every day that I was able to do that, because
it changed my whole life.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
I can I can tell everyone here that that turning
point does start with a decision. Sometimes it takes some
kind of breakdown or revelation in your case, the pregnancy
that became an inspiration, but it always starts with a decision.
(40:06):
It may not be as easy as no rehab, but
it is a decision. It starts there. So did you
go to a shelter? What happened from there?
Speaker 3 (40:15):
So?
Speaker 4 (40:15):
Actually I had a lady that actually allowed me to
live in her garage when I gave birth to my
first kid, and then shortly after I actually found out
I was pregnant again and I was my daughter. And
at that point there was decisions that I had made
(40:37):
whenever I was a minor that I ended up actually
having to go to jail for a little while for,
and so the lady would not allow me to live
in her garage anymore. So I ended up living in
a shed when I had my second child. At that point,
I was twenty one, and I always worked. I did
drop out of school in the ninth grade, but I
(40:59):
always either had a means to try to make money
or I had a job in legal tops. Yeah, I
mean even at one point I worked at Burger King
when I was fourteen, and they would just give me
and my little brother food because my mom, I got
one paycheck and she took it for me, which was
legal for her to take my paycheck, so they would
(41:21):
give us food instead or let us hang out there
because they had ac and we didn't have ac.
Speaker 3 (41:27):
In my house.
Speaker 4 (41:29):
But so my mom got out of prison when I
was twenty one, and she actually had moved to Oklahoma
with my stepfather, who had actually been sober for years
and he had changed his life. But you know, I
was very an very isolated person, so I just didn't
talk to anybody, and of course we didn't.
Speaker 3 (41:49):
Have cell phones and stuff like that back then.
Speaker 4 (41:53):
And so she had told me that I could get
on housing in three months there and in Texas it
was like eight years. So that's why me and my
kids were homeless, and that you know, she was going
to be sober, and I actually had hope again for
my mom, and so I moved to Oklahoma with my
two old my two oldest biological children and within three
(42:16):
months of the evening there, I had my ged and
I had signed up for Section eight, and I had
gotten my first home. And that was literally like a
path of I had fire behind me and I wasn't
going to turn back.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
Okay, So you started taking a responsibility for your life.
You had hope in your mom, but you were not
leaning on your mom. Yes, you were by being forward
education and you had a determination. It sounds like for
your kids to live differently than you had.
Speaker 4 (42:48):
Yes, Okay, my mom's psychologically had deteriorated.
Speaker 3 (42:55):
Yeah. No, so even though she was off of.
Speaker 2 (43:00):
I'm sorry the audience, my dog is in here snoring
so loud, so you hear that. That is the pit. Okay,
go ahead, Sarah.
Speaker 3 (43:10):
So cute, he's so cute. He is so loud.
Speaker 4 (43:14):
You know, my mom's mental state was extremely fragile, so
at that point it was experiencing the suicide attempts from her,
and she was off of myth, but she traded it
in for pills, and so she was just trading one
addiction for another. So my stepdad actually ended up divorcing
(43:38):
her during this time, but he remained an extremely active
role in my life. I lived in Oklahoma for almost
ten years. And in that time, I, like I said,
I got my gd I actually got into college. I
got an associate's degree, and then I I got my
bachelor's degree. I was in college for seven and a
half years straight. But I worked at a shelter with
(44:01):
kids during that time, and I had no idea that
this was the role that I was meant to play
in life. But I got involved in a lot of
other children's life and I at the time, I also
gave birth to two more sons, so I had four
biological children. And I was acquiring more and more kids
(44:25):
as I went. And I never knew that was my calling.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
And by acquiring, she means she would take children in
she raise them as her own. And this is just
one of any things that I adore about you.
Speaker 4 (44:42):
Yeah, they are my legacy. I am more than proud
of them. I could never express how much each one
of them mean to me in their own individual ways.
Speaker 2 (44:52):
So tell us about starting your cleaning business.
Speaker 3 (44:57):
Oh my goodness and.
Speaker 2 (45:00):
Lounges of being a single mom was while starting a business.
Speaker 4 (45:03):
So I one of the most amazing things was a
couple of the older i'd say young adults that I
guess to me, they were still kids. They were, but
they were very responsible. They were the reason why I
could go to college. At night, they would be with
my younger children. And so, needless to say, when I
came back to Texas, it was almost and it was
(45:28):
so empowering because like I was coming back and I
was like this completely different person.
Speaker 3 (45:33):
Yeah, me and I came back with nine kids.
Speaker 4 (45:39):
I came back with nine kids, I five.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
Ten. Uh.
Speaker 4 (45:48):
I got a job doing roadside assistants. Actually, my biological
father got me that job. At that time, me and
my biological father had rekindled our relationship ship and then
I'm sure we'll talk about that in a moment. Also
because a lot of people pass a lot of judgment
because of that, which I think is a very double
(46:12):
sided sword.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
But I'm so sorry, thank you. I always had side jobs,
like I babysit.
Speaker 4 (46:24):
On the weekends or you know, things of that nature,
just to make extra money. I didn't get any financial
assistance to take in the children that were not biologically mine.
So if I had a sandwich, I could split it
in half, is how we saw it, and that's wee sharing.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
We were in.
Speaker 4 (46:41):
A three bedroom apartment with nine kids and myself, and
it was probably some of the happiest times in my life.
I miss having all of them little. And you're talking.
Some were newborns, you know, some were toddlers, some were older, and.
Speaker 2 (46:57):
Every everybody could sin and help. And then the meantime,
you're building a business.
Speaker 4 (47:03):
Yes, ma'am. So I my aunt got me an office
cleaning job, and while I also had my full time job,
and so I was cleaning and my kids would go,
my older kids will go help me. I'm so sorry, okay.
And and probably about six months into that, the owner
(47:26):
of the company asked me to clean his house. And
then you know, within a year of me doing that,
I had a couple of more people asking me to
come clean their house. And then I mean it just
one day somebody said, you know, you're cleaning company, and
I was like, what are you talking about? You know,
and they're like, you clean. I was like, yeah, I'm
so sorry.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
Yeah. And the perfect last name for a business, a
smart cleaning and using all natural products as smart just
created a lovely business name.
Speaker 3 (47:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (47:57):
Yeah, it went hand in hand. My grand mother, my
ne aw that raised me. She had a cleaning company.
My whole upbringing okay, And so whenever I was younger,
I would go with her to make ready cleanings and
things like that. And when I told her that I
was going to go into a full time cleaning because
(48:19):
it was like I could go clean for a couple
hours and make as much as I did in a
forty hour work week. And being a single mom, you know,
your kids get sick, your kids want to play football,
your kids have after school activities, and those were all
things I would have to sacrifice as being a single mom.
Speaker 3 (48:38):
And it was by choice, you know. You know.
Speaker 4 (48:41):
Unfortunately, when I say I'm a single mom, you know,
the relationships with their fathers were not well because I
was not emotionally mature enough to really understand that even
you know, they were abusive and not all that. There
(49:02):
was one that was very abusive to me, and I
accepted it because it was basically what I.
Speaker 3 (49:10):
Was used to.
Speaker 2 (49:10):
You hadn't learned how to define.
Speaker 3 (49:12):
Love, not at all.
Speaker 4 (49:14):
My As my kids got older, I was I learned
that they taught me that because my kids have never
manipulated me, and uh, you know, they just taught me
what like pure love was love with no motivation and
in back I gave that back to them, even the
(49:36):
children I didn't give birth to. We you see, they
they they all have so much respect for me and
so much love for me. And people always ask me,
how did you How did you do that? You know,
I just treated them how I always wanted to be treated,
and in turn, they they give that right back to me.
Speaker 2 (49:55):
That's wonderful. So how had your children's and involvement in
your business, because I know now that your older children
are very involved and work alongside you every day. How
has that strengthened your bond with your children?
Speaker 4 (50:11):
It's incredible. So the older kids that I had helped
me start the business. What you realized it was a business. Yeah,
once I realized it was a business, I won two
of my particular older daughters that I did not give
birth to. But I'm very honored to call them my daughters.
I you know, they they just they just one day started.
(50:33):
You know, you just come with me and help me
clean this house. You know, can you come with me
and help me do this? And and then now that
the younger ones, which you consider my older ones, those
are the babies. Actually, it was so funny, the ones,
they just the pandemic happened. And when the pandemic happened,
a majority of my kids, you know, they're all home,
(50:55):
so you know, what better way for them to get
out of the house legally they could go and help
me clean clean. And our relationships are I don't know
I have anybody that has a better relationship with their
children than I do. And I actually that's one of
the things I'm the proudest of. They I got to
(51:17):
know my children all individually, they got to know me better.
It was probably only a couple of years ago that
I started being more open about my past. You know,
people would say things, you know, like there's a reason
why your mom works this hard, there's a reason why
your mom is so kind to people, and it doesn't
it's very genuine, uh, you.
Speaker 3 (51:40):
Know, and it tookn't.
Speaker 4 (51:42):
I think that's when I started kind of going back
and trying to understand why I am the way that
I am about certain things. I'm very shy, but I'm
very friendly. At the same time. I always try to
see the good in them and so and good in people, and.
Speaker 3 (52:00):
So I really put sure I pushed that.
Speaker 4 (52:02):
I'm not push that, but that's something that I've like
marinated my children and it's just to be a kind person.
And I love my relationship with each one of them.
They're all unique in our relationships are all unique. You
wouldn't be able to tell any of those kids that
they're not, that they're not all blood related. Their bonds
are just incredible to this day. I mean, and I
(52:24):
had no ideal that that's what I was forming when
I just didn't. I didn't know what I was doing
when I was doing it. I just knew that God
told me to do it. Yeah, and so I just
did it.
Speaker 2 (52:37):
And so I'm hearing that self reflection and maybe spiritual
growth and connection to God for you has been important
for your journey of healing. What else or who else
have been part of your healing journey? Have you learned
(52:58):
to love yourself?
Speaker 4 (53:00):
I think that's something that I'm doing right now. I
know that sounds in my forties. Sometimes I feel like
when I explain things, I sound almost childlike, because I
do feel like there's a lot of areas emotionally that
are very.
Speaker 3 (53:14):
Childlike for me.
Speaker 4 (53:16):
I have a lot of Yeah, I was formally diagnosed
with complex PDSD and that manic depressive which I would
have never thought that I was, because I don't feel
like that. I you know, I think that people get
the wrong idea when they you know, they think, oh,
(53:36):
you you're walk around you're sad all the time, and
and I'm not like that. You know, maybe sometimes on
the inside, but it's outside, you know, I'm happy.
Speaker 3 (53:47):
I don't.
Speaker 4 (53:48):
I think more of my quiet moments is whenever I
see things like that about myself. But I definitely have
physical I guess you'd say ticks in a way where
I'm more timid in certain areas. I'm really trying so
hard to to fix that. I used to be very angry,
(54:09):
and you know, you just kind of go through those
motions of you know, then then trying to find normalcy
in in an adult relationship. Right. So that's something that
I haven't accomplished yet, but I'm currently actually working on
that in in myself and UH hoping that the person
(54:31):
that UH is they've been very patient with me and
that they seem to be very accepting of my past,
because it can be very humiliating. Some people don't want
to deal with people that have been through things like that,
you know, and I can understand that I don't judge
people by that, because you know it does take a
(54:54):
special person. I'm a very calm person. I'm very quiet.
I didn't always used to be that way. I used
to be pretty violent when I was a teenager. I'd
like to fight and stuff.
Speaker 2 (55:06):
And that's and that acting out or in a way
is a symptom of pain, just like your father's abuse
of you was a symptom of his pain. It doesn't
excuse it, but it helps us understand it. Right, there's
a term hurting people, hurt people, and then that also
(55:29):
applies back towards self. We often will be self destructive
when we're hurting. Yeah, and that's a course apparent in
your history. As we think about this self love and
the fact you're learning to do that now, it's never
too late, as they say, so I think listeners can
can certainly relate to that if you're on that journey also,
(55:53):
trying to learn to love yourself after trauma, after betrayal,
after which is throughout of course you're history as well,
because all abuse is betrayal and that breaking of trust.
So trying to learn how to have help the adult
relationships is certainly going to be difficult. There's something called
(56:13):
the mother wound, which is something you certainly experience, which
is where there's a loss of connection or lack of
nurturing by the mother, and certainly in this case, not
just lack of but yeah, a manipulative situation then a
(56:34):
codependency where you needed to be with her in a
way that you even set yourself up to self betray.
Speaker 4 (56:42):
I think didn't my mom's suicide attempts. I would be
very angry with her because I couldn't understand why, because
she would the majority of them happened in front of me,
and they're very vicious, and that's a form.
Speaker 2 (56:54):
Of abuse as well, yes, because.
Speaker 4 (56:56):
She would tell me that you know now you'll never
have a mother and things like that, and I would
be very angry with her, like I couldn't understand why
she would want so. Yeah, and I even went through
like survivor's guilt for sure, my brother's passing, and I
if I was if people didn't like me that much
(57:18):
as a child, then I didn't understand why God allowed
me to live in them, to pass away and suffer.
Speaker 3 (57:26):
I felt like it should have been me, and not
being like morbid about it, but just being very honest
that I did feel that way as a child that
you know I should have it should have been me
because they didn't like me.
Speaker 2 (57:41):
That's very introspective and insightful for you too.
Speaker 4 (57:45):
Yeah, to to explain and protecting my abusers, I think
was a big deal to protecting your abusers. I hear
that a lot. It is time for our third and
final break.
Speaker 2 (57:56):
Don't go far. We're going to combat with some closing
thoughts and less and so I'm redefining love.
Speaker 5 (58:03):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure how.
(58:23):
I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for the Carrying Generation
radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings, six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships,
health wellbeing and more. Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying
Generation are on my website Pamela Dwilson dot com, plus
(58:46):
my Caregiving library. Online caregiver support programs and programs for
corporations interested in supporting working caregivers. Help, Hope and support
for caregivers is here on The Carrying Generation and Pamela
d Wilson dot org.
Speaker 1 (59:00):
Doctor RC will share extraordinary resources and services that promote
educational success as well as making a difference in the
lives of all social workers as well as the lives
of children, adolescents and teens of today. She will have
open discussions addressing many of the issues that we face
(59:20):
about our youth and how being employed in the uniquely
skilled profession of social work for over eighteen years has
taught invaluable lessons through her personal experiences. She will also
provide real life facts, examples and personal stories that will
confirm that why serving as a child advocate is extremely
beneficial when addressing the needs of the whole child. Listen
(59:41):
Live to Dare to Soar Saturdays ten am Eastern on
the BBM Global Network and tune in radio as doctor
RC will provide thought provoking information that will empower, encourage,
and strengthen students, families, and communities across our nation. You
can also visit her at sore within Katie dot com.
Speaker 2 (01:00:13):
And We're back, Sarah. I wanted to ask you because
we said at the top of the show, this was
really the first time you've shared a lot of this
out loud about your story and your journey. What do
you feel actually gave you permission or freedom to do that?
Speaker 5 (01:00:30):
Now?
Speaker 4 (01:00:32):
One the last year and a half, my mother passed away,
and my papa passed away, and my stepdad also passed away,
and my grandma and my dad's side passed away. There
was some sort of freedom from that in a sense.
You know, I was very I love my papa, he
(01:00:54):
was an amazing man.
Speaker 3 (01:00:54):
He never heard me.
Speaker 4 (01:00:56):
And my stepfather, you know, was never physically abusive to me.
But my mom, I you know, the last three weeks
of her life is probably the best relationship we ever had.
Speaker 3 (01:01:09):
Uh and uh, she you know, told me that she
loved me.
Speaker 4 (01:01:13):
I took my MoMA to eat for the first time
in my life, and then you know, it was very
abrupt that that I lost her. So but I am
there was just as there was a sense of freedom
that you know, I understand my father is still alive,
which you know makes me hesitant in some areas because
(01:01:36):
I have forgiven my father. I don't believe my dad
is the same person that he was whenever I was
a kid.
Speaker 3 (01:01:44):
And uh, you know, uh, you know, I.
Speaker 4 (01:01:48):
I know that me and him will never be able
to have a real father daughter relationship because like I said,
you know, it's my comfort level. I still feel very
adolescent in that area.
Speaker 3 (01:02:00):
So but the.
Speaker 2 (01:02:03):
Fact that you are able to forgive, and I'd like
listeners to understand, forgiveness does not mean condoning or excusing behavior.
It means letting go, so it doesn't hold you back
from moving forward in life. So that's a beautiful thing
that you're able to offer for yourself. Forgivenesses for self
(01:02:24):
people to understand. So, if you had any words of
encouragement for listeners, any advice for people who may be
struggling to heal after such types of hardships or to
move forward in life, to let go of that anger
or the behaviors in and up hurting themselves, what would
it be.
Speaker 4 (01:02:43):
Hey, you know, that's probably a very hard question for
me to actually answer because I think that I barely
tipped the ice bird of healing. I think this right
here today, this conversation is the biggest step I've ever
taken in it being honest with my kids about who
I am and you know, just don't be ashamed of
(01:03:06):
what you've been through.
Speaker 2 (01:03:08):
Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, I think you know well, honesty
can be hard, silence can be harder. So again we
said the top of the show, it really takes courage,
and I really am proud of you for being here
today and sharing. I do want to ask you because
you said something to me one day. It's been several
(01:03:29):
weeks ago now, but I understand you are in a
relationship now, in an intimate partner relationship, and how is
that feeling for you? How is that well?
Speaker 4 (01:03:43):
In technically no titles, but because it does take me
a lot, but this particular person has really helped me
find myself and he doesn't even know that, but I
guess he will now just find myself as a woman
in experiencing the you know, love on a different spectrum,
(01:04:06):
and he's probably well, he is the only person I've
ever been brutally honest with about my past and he
is so accepting of it. And I feel so safe
with him and so comfortable with him with my children.
Speaker 3 (01:04:23):
It feels very free. I feel like I can grow.
Speaker 4 (01:04:27):
I think that that also has been a turning point
in my life too, just being able to tell somebody
and them not go, oh, that's too much.
Speaker 2 (01:04:39):
You know.
Speaker 4 (01:04:40):
He's just very open with me. I think he's got
a great heart, and you know, just you know, you
never know where things are going to take you in life.
So I'm just open right now. I'm more open to
love more than I ever been in my whole life.
Speaker 2 (01:04:55):
So love it, open to love, yeah, and see where
it goes.
Speaker 1 (01:04:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:05:00):
Yeah, it's not technically my man.
Speaker 2 (01:05:02):
Yet, Okay. And I think the fact that loving yourself
first is sort of part of what that work first
and making sure that that's in place, and health the
boundaries after trauma, of course, are important for everyone. And
we've gone over a few minutes today because this conversation
(01:05:23):
warranted it. And I hope that listeners are listening and
recognize that if Sarah, with all she's been through, has
come through this on the other side, that you can
come through what you're going through. And it all started
with the decision, and then I'm going to say sheer
determination and that hard work. And then what I heard
(01:05:48):
you do in your story is what was missing for you.
Rather than be bitter and resemble that you didn't have it,
you just gave it to others. Not having that mother
and the nurturing and all that you should have had
a healthy bonding, you created that in your life within
four others. And it's some people think.
Speaker 4 (01:06:10):
To see, I wanted to stop that abuse. I never
wanted any of those kids, the ones I gave birth to,
the ones, I just wanted to protect them. And yes,
and in that in that cycle because the other children
that I brought in my life also, you know, have
been through bad things. My kids, my biological children, have
(01:06:31):
never been abused, but you know, just giving everybody a
safe place and in a you know, a chance to
be who they are. And they're just incredible. They're all
such incredible people. So yeah, they're my legacy.
Speaker 2 (01:06:46):
They are, so with that, I think it's a great
place to close the show. You have done an amazing
service to these kids that have Who knows where they'd
be without your intervention in their lives and helping them.
And if you're looking for purpose and what you went
(01:07:09):
through there. It is because you know how to help
these kids and you continue to do so. Absolutely. So
if you want to get in touch with Sarah, we
do have in the show notes her Facebook link. She
has a beautiful page where she just puts motivating and
inspirational posts, and she also has her business page, Smart
(01:07:32):
Cleaning DFW and it is I met her because of
the business and I'm just you can't help but want
to talk to her. And again, I love just to
bring inspiring people on this show, and it was someone
that I've been thinking about for quite a while. So
I'm so glad you're here. Remember, listeners, that healing is
(01:07:54):
not a linear journey as a process of transformational It's
a journey. So just like you heard in Sarah's story,
it can be quite the journey. So allow yourself that
grace for whatever journey you may be on, whatever path
you may be on. If today's show resonated with you,
(01:08:15):
please share it with others who may need a lifeline
of their own. Please subscribe, rate and subscribe rate and
leave a review to help us reach more parts. And
you can always connect with me on social media on Facebook,
It's at Skyview Coaching and on all the other platforms.
It's at a popayote and let me know what other
(01:08:37):
show topics you'd like to have featured on the show.
The show is for you. If you want to hear
more about the mother wound or overcoming different traumas, let's
talk about it. You can leave me, drop me a
note on one of those platforms, or leave a comment
on this show for all of that, and we will
(01:08:58):
definitely follow up on And I'll leave you with the
closing of Please breathe fully, love openly, and live sulfully
until next time. Good day.
Speaker 1 (01:09:13):
This has been sole CPR with host and Papa Yode
breathe life back into your spirit with each episode where
she and special guests explore the relationships that hurt us
and discover that healing can only begin with you. Tuesdays
at three pm Eastern on the Bold Brave TV Network
Are you ready to untangle from your past, recover from heartbreak,
and revive your life. This is Soul CPR with your
host and Papa Yode. We've all had soul crushing experiences
and lost ourselves in our pain, but there is a
way out. On this podcast, Amazon best selling author, award
winning life coach and advice columnist and Papa Yode helps
(00:27):
us navigate the path from heartbreak to healing. So now
please welcome the host of Soul CPR and Papa Yode.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Hello everyone, and thank you for tuning in today. Whether
you're a regular follower or you're just joining us, we're
glad that you are here. And as you can see,
I'm not alone in my home office studio today. My guest,
Sarah Smart is here with me and we're going to
talk about redefining love after childhood trauma that can confuse
(01:02):
the definition based on experiences during that very formidable time
in life. Sarah is a single mom and an entrepreneur
whose truly indomitable spirit has helped her overcome some of
life's most i'm going to say, unthinkable challenges, if you will,
(01:24):
from a childhood riddled with abuse and manipulation that confused
her definition of love. It led to addiction and uh,
but she found her way to recovery and she's going
to share those kind of stories with us today. And
she it also led to creating a very successful business
(01:47):
that she shares with her children, and along the way,
she learned what love is and is not. And she's
here today to share her story. So, Sarah, thank you
for joining us on the show.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Thank you for having me. It's definitely an honor.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Thank you well. One of the very blessings of this show,
as we were talking about before, for me, has been
the opportunity to have extraordinary, ordinary people come and share
this space and time and to tell their stories, sometimes
for the very first time, kind of out loud on
this type of platform, and to inspire others who can
(02:26):
relate to their journey. Yes, yeah, I'm excited, good, good, good,
I know, and this is I think you shared with me.
This is sort of the first time for you to
do this kind of out loud in this way.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
Yes, this would be my first time. Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Well, it does take courage, and courage means doing something
in spite of fear. So I respect that and honor
that in you today.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
Thank you. I appreciate the opportunity.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
I know you do. Well, let's talk a little bit
about your early childhood, if you could share like a
limps into your early childhood and how some of those experiences,
of course shaped your understanding of love and your self worth.
So I know from our original discussions that your parents
(03:18):
separated or divorced or when you were an infant, So
what happened from that.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Point when I was born.
Speaker 4 (03:27):
I don't have any regulations recollections of my parents being together.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
Whenever I was very young.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
My mom faced her own addictions and she went to
prison pretty early in my childhood. I had a brother
that was very ill from birth, and so my dad
needed to focus on his health, getting him back and
forth to the doctors and things of that nature.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
So my mom's mom and dad my name all my papa.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
They took me in when I was about six months old,
and uh it you know, raised me for you know,
most of my younger childhood years. My brother was very
ill his entire life, and he passed away when he
was nine and I was eight, so we were only
(04:23):
a year apart in age. And uh that's when I
transitioned more and into where my transition to my living
where I was living into living with my father. But
I would visit my father and my brother Chase on
the weekends whenever they would be in state for being
(04:46):
able to spend time with my brother, and uh, my
mother was still in prison all those years, even after
my brother passed away.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
I see.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
So living with your grandparents, fris, did you experienced love
there in your grandparents' home?
Speaker 4 (05:06):
My my you know, my papa, Uh, that were my
first ever loved and they loved me relentlessly and tried
to do the best that they could for me. And Uh,
they you know, they made the best decisions that they
thought were the best at the time.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Right with information they had. That's beautiful. So during this
early childhood, you mentioned that you would go to spend
weekends with your father and visit your brother. What were
weekends like for you in that scenario?
Speaker 3 (05:43):
They were very volatile.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
That's where I my first experiences with you know, different
types of abuse.
Speaker 3 (05:54):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (05:55):
Unfortunately it was kind of a double edged sword. I
would get to see my brother there, but also you know,
not great memories uh for those weekend trips.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (06:08):
You know, my brother was very delicate physically, and I
was a very normal functioning child, you know, and you know,
would do you know, normal things that a kid would do,
and the punishments would not necessarily be appropriate for you know,
the things that I would do or you know, I
(06:31):
my dad was definitely in high tense situations with my
brother's care. He was young and my mom wasn't there,
so the stress level I could imagine.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
Was enormous for him.
Speaker 4 (06:44):
Unfortunately, I did get usually the brent end of that frustration.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
And so yeah, yeah, and you were really young. Yeah,
so this is up till about eight years old. Yeah,
my brother away whenever I was eight. Unfortunately, it actually
it did get worse after my brother passed away. My
dad did remarry, and at that time, my grandparents felt that,
(07:14):
you know, it was in my best insures to be
at least with one of my parents. My mother still
was incarcerated at the time, and so I did move
in with my dad and my new stepmom, and I
gained a brother his name He was seventeen. He was
older than me, but he had much going distrophee so
(07:36):
he was wheelchair mound also like my biological brother, So
in a sense, I had gotten another brother. And so
we bonded pretty fast, me and my stepbrother. So, first
of all, I'm sorry for the loss of your biological brother.
I'm sure that was quite impactful. Yeah, had such a
(08:00):
young age and the fact that you were just a
yr part. I'm sure you were quite close.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
He was my best friend.
Speaker 4 (08:08):
I didn't ever really understand that my brother was different,
because I mean, that's how he was my whole life.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
So I was very protective over my brother.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
He was I mean, he you never would have known
he was going through the things that he was going
through physically. I don't think I ever saw him cry.
And he was a character. He always liked to, you know,
play jokes, and he was just a funny person. So
I think when he died, I didn't really understand it.
I was actually very angry with him for a while.
(08:44):
I didn't I didn't understand death right just he you know,
just he just wasn't there anymore. And so I think
that was, you know, different for me. So when I
got a new brother, you know, I really really bonded
with him fast.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Yes, yeah, yeah, Grief isn't is a funny thing, isn't it,
And at that age, not understanding it you said it
things got worse after your biological brother died, But I'm
curious did you had you shared with your grandparents what
you were enduring on the weekends on the visits.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
So to an extent, I think that as a kid,
you really don't know how to explain things all the way,
and there is a fear of you know, telling people,
and back then, really mistreatment of children it was more embarrassing.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
You know.
Speaker 4 (09:48):
Now people talk about it very openly, but one of
where I was little, it was a very it was
humiliating for families to know that things like that were
going on in the family and things were easily excused.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
And then also that my.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
Mom was incarcerated and my mom was an addict already
added embarrassment to the family. So it was better for
you know, u's just to just go on like it
was normal.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Sounds like you learned to mask at a really young age. Yeah, yes,
So how did you feel about it when your grandparents
thought that you should go live with your father?
Speaker 3 (10:33):
You know, it's funny and you asked that.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
I don't even remember that part in the transition, I
honestly just remember it almost seemed like one day I
was at my brother's funeral and the next day I
was living in a different home. At first, I was
really excited because I had never had a mom, and
(10:56):
all of a sudden, I had a step mom, right.
Uh you know, she was not that welcoming to me,
and uh it almost seemed like she helped fuel my
dad's anger towards me.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
So I was kind of shunned within the house.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (11:18):
You know, I I portrayed a lot of signs that
a lot of people. It was very noticeable that things
were not okay. Of course, now I look back at it,
and you know, simple things like waiting the bed till
I was eleven years old. You know, I never knew
that things like that were not normal. Uh you know,
(11:40):
like I said, you know, we didn't have social media,
the Internet and stuff back then. So to know that
like things were like that were not normal, it just
you just you just didn't know, you know.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Yeah. Thinking about your biological brother and now your stepbrother
both having diagnoses disabilities, if you will, were they mistreated?
Speaker 4 (12:08):
No so?
Speaker 3 (12:09):
And you know, and I think that was something that.
Speaker 4 (12:13):
Uh, in a way, like in my my my father
was never abusive towards like my step siblings because I
also had a step sister, but me and her never
bonded and we never got close.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
She was a lot older than me. And uh this,
so it was.
Speaker 4 (12:33):
Me and my stepbrother. So my my biological brother had
gachets and my step brother had much goodystrophe. So me
and him bonded over playing video games and I got
to have my step brother for a whole I want
to say, almost two years before he passed away. And
(12:53):
uh so at eleven, I lost my my my stepbrother,
another big loss. So two people that you were bonded with,
that you were close to. That again, perhaps.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Love was there without abuse or manipulation in the relationships
with the two brothers.
Speaker 4 (13:14):
Yes, yeah, they they in turn were my my my
best friends.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Your best friends.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
So when did you experience the next transition, which as
I understand that you left your father's home to go
live with your mom, which she left prison. YEA talk
to us about that.
Speaker 4 (13:33):
So after my step brother passed away, you know, knowing
exact timeslines I sometimes where things get foggy. Sure there
was things that happened in between my my second brother
passing away and me what I always stay meeting my
mom for the first time, even though there's pictures whenever
(13:55):
I was a baby of me with her, But to
me like that would be like my first real recula
recollection of meeting my mother. Sure, my stepmom's family, uh,
you know, treated me as such as well. And there
were also teenage boys in the family. And I think
(14:18):
one of the biggest things I've probably learned in the
last decade of my life is that you know, when
you're exposed to predators, and they see that even when
you have asked for help, it almost puts a target
on your back, and they know that it's okay for
them to do things to you. And because they know
(14:42):
that one even if you were to speak up, nobody's
going to listen to you, nobody's going to believe you,
and so they feel almost free will that it's okay
for them to to do whatever they want to to you.
So at a very young age, I was very promiscuous
and actually used to get in trouble for it at
school in elementary you know, with you know, just even
(15:07):
like I wasn't allowed to play with certain friends and
stuff like that because I would do things that I
shouldn't know anything about, and like I said, you know,
back then, you know, it almost it almost seemed like
you were just making everything up in and there were
(15:29):
you know, friends, moms and things that sometimes would kind
of you know.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
You know, hey, you can come stay the night over here.
Speaker 4 (15:37):
But as abarising is because I would still still with
the bed, so you know, I didn't want to, so
I would choose not to. But so after my second
brother passed away, I want to say, maybe six months
to a year within that, my mom got out of prison,
(16:00):
and you know, my whole raising, I was always told
because I look identical to my mom, I was always
kind of told that, you know, I was going to
be like her, and it was just kind of you know,
the verbal manipulation and abuse is. I don't think one
abuse is worse than the other, and I don't think
one abuse is better than the other. I think that
(16:22):
they're all bad, and when they're combined, you know, that
can be you know, really bad.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
So there was a lot of you know, don't be
like your mom. You look like your mom, You're going
to be just like her.
Speaker 4 (16:36):
You know, your mom doesn't love you, and you know,
and I did believe some of it, you know, but
I really wanted my mom to love me. So when
I first I remember my mom's showing up to my
dad and my stepmom's house and it just just she
(16:57):
was so beautiful, and you know, I just like, you know,
she was kind of like everything that I dreamed of
her to be as my mom, you know, me not
really understanding, you know, the choices that she had made,
and not understanding my mom's addiction and her mental state
from having her son passed away while she was in
(17:17):
prison because she was not there, you know, she didn't
really know my brother. I like said, she was gone
at a very she was gone at a young age
for us. And one thing that my mom I think
now as an adult, I've looked back and thought, you know,
why didn't my mom try to save me earlier? Because
(17:40):
one of the things that she manipulated me with was
that without me having to say anything, was nobody will
ever hurt you whenever you're around me, Like nobody will
ever beat you, and nobody will ever touch you, you know,
And so you know, I thought she was going to
save me, so I ran to her from that.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
That is such a message that I want us to
hold on to. It's time for our first commercial break.
But what a drawing in message. No one will hurt you.
This is safety security, which is what a mother represents
for a child. Yes, right, safety security, nurturing all of
(18:25):
those things. And like you said, you were virtually meeting
her for the first time within your memory. So we're
going to talk more about that when we come back.
So don't go far and we'll be back with more,
soel CPR.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
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(18:59):
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(19:22):
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(19:42):
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(20:28):
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Speaker 2 (20:42):
Hello everyone, and welcome back. This is sol CPR. I'm
and Papayotti with my guest Sarah Smart today and we
are talking about childhood trauma and redefining love because of
how it becomes defined for us when we experience trauma
and childhood. And Sarah, in revealing your story, you know
there's a lot of loss in your childhood to brothers
(21:04):
that you were close with and bonded with you In
your story already, you've shared the physical, verbal, emotional sexual
abuse in early childhood. Your mom, whom you didn't really
know she was incarcerated when you were an infant or already, right,
and so here you have lived in different homes and
(21:28):
here she now shows up at your father's store where
a lot of this abuse has occurred, and you've dreamed
of who she may be for you. You know she's
had addictions, you know she's been incarcerated because of her
addictions or behaviors associated with addiction. But who she could
be for you is something you've held near and dear
(21:50):
to your heart, despite taunting's about who you're going to
be if you're going to be like her, right and
being sort of already labeled that you're going.
Speaker 4 (22:02):
To be like your mom, Yeah, yeah, that was a
label that I still believe to this day that I
wear in some people's eyes, no matter how far I've
come in life.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
But here, here she was offering me this to come
with her. That harm is behind you, safety is in
front of you. So tell us about going to live
with your mom.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:29):
So at first, like I mean, you know, she she did.
She she showered me with things that I had never
really known. I mean, I mean, you go as far
as to even like being a young lady and coming
into womanhood and things like that, and she wasn't around
to teach me those types of things. So here she was,
you know, showing me how to put on makeup and
(22:51):
showing me how to do my hair and you know,
things that I had tried to do on my own.
And you know, so I was it was almost like
like being in a movie. It was extremely short lived
because at that time, like I had never been around drugs.
I didn't really know, you know, like what why they
(23:13):
were so bad? You know, my you know, I just
I hadn't. I just didn't know. I was just a kid,
and you know my mom, Uh, there was why she
went to prison the first time, was too fraud and
and drugs.
Speaker 3 (23:28):
So she was.
Speaker 4 (23:29):
She was a professional scam artist and I was probably
her biggest.
Speaker 3 (23:36):
You know, scam.
Speaker 4 (23:38):
And because once I was in her possession, it was
more of a control thing with the rest of the
family that she has me now, you know, and you
know to me, you know, going through everything I had
been through as a child, and nobody had ever protected me,
(23:59):
and for she was offering me protection and so I
almost worshiped her and and I wanted to do anything
I could to make her love me more. And so
I would help her do things, the illegal things, stealing
and lying to people, and you know, she just you know,
(24:19):
she she taught me all that, and you know, she
would she got my nails done for me for the
first time. You know, she showed me how to be
pretty and you know, things like that. And there there
was a significant, uh situation to when I knew that
my mother was not going to protect me, and but
(24:40):
the shame of admitting that I couldn't do and uh
it was and it was we were swimming in a
swimming pool and her friends and they were drinking and
this gentleman you know, touched me and I in the
swimming pool with her right there, and it was a
very vulgar touch and was not an accident. And I
(25:02):
told my mom and I thought, you know, finally, you know,
this has happened with so many people and so many
different occasions, and this is this happened. And I almost
felt empowered because to me, it was almost nothing that
he touched me that way, because I was so desensitized
from it at that point. And I went and I
(25:24):
told her, and she told me we were at her
friend's apartment. She said, go back to, you know, the apartment,
and I'll take care of it. And I said, okay,
and I went back to the apartment, and then I
remember leaving the apartment to look for It's a very
vague memory of that particular moment, and when I couldn't,
finally went back to the apartment and she was sleeping
(25:46):
with him. And it was at that point in time
that I knew that my mom was not going to
protect me. But I could not go back to where
I came from, and a lot of people asked me
why didn't I go to my grandparents. I was extremely
ashamed and I couldn't do it, and so that led
(26:09):
to I continued to live that type of lifestyle with
my mom. It probably was maybe about a year into
me living with her that I started doing drugs with her.
My mom they cooked methinmfetamies in our backshd and we
were extremely poor, and my grandparents were not necessarily well off,
(26:31):
but they worked very hard. My dad was not very
well off, so you know, we lived very poor. My
mom was extremely not well off, and so we lived
even more poor. You know, things condemned homes and things
(26:52):
like that, and no running water, no ac or heating
in the home, central icy and heating in the home.
We lived in a very poverty area where you know,
drug addicts were very common. And my mom had actually
gotten married to my stepfather, who I adore even in
(27:15):
his passing, and I still have a lot of respect
for that man. He was a very safe place for me.
But I did do drugs with my mom and my stepdad.
And I know that sounds crazy to say that he
was a safe place for me and I did drugs
with him, but he was. But in their marriage, I
gained a third brother. I had his third brother, and
(27:41):
he was very young. And I when I say that,
I was thirteen and he was eleven, and we were
actively doing mess with both of our parents, his dad
and my mom.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
And he became an addict as a young teenager.
Speaker 3 (27:58):
Yes, I did.
Speaker 4 (27:59):
I used myth every day And it was kind of
ironic how it actually started, because it wasn't actually my
mom that gave me myth. The first time. I remember
me and my little brother where we were on our
way to the bus stop and the people that were
actually cooking meth in our back shed.
Speaker 3 (28:22):
It took us down to the.
Speaker 4 (28:24):
Bus stop and we were so hungry because we literally
never had any food. I didn't even know what food
stamps were then, but my mom was a feeling so
she couldn't have gotten them anyways, as I've learned as
an adult, you know, that's probably why we didn't have that,
and we were hungry, and they stuck it in a
piece of toilet paper and said, if you eat this,
(28:45):
you won't be hungry. And that was literally how it
started until you know, we were actively doing it every
day that you said you.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Were doing it actually with your mom and your stepfather. Yes,
And did that feel like did your mom love you
more because of it?
Speaker 3 (29:04):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (29:04):
I felt like I felt like and I know this
sense kind of bad to say, even to this day,
I felt like that was probably the most bonding that
we had because I didn't, you know, say anything bad
about it, and I would just do it with her.
And then it became to where I enjoyed doing it,
you know, I enjoyed doing it. You know, at that time,
(29:29):
I wasn't being physically harmed in my eyes, you know,
nobody was hitting me, nobody was hurting me. Even though
I had lost that trust with her at the beginning,
in a sense, it almost like rekindled our relationship to
where I almost felt like I could trust her again.
Speaker 2 (29:48):
Interesting. Well, two things I want to say about that.
One is the man was not a gentleman who touched you.
That's a very formal way to say that, who touched
you inappropriately? That what interesting thing. And one thing that
I do know is that daughters seek the love of
their mother and the approval of their father, and sons
(30:08):
seek the love of their father and the love of
their mother, sorry, and the approval of their of their father.
So it's it's in reverse, I'm sorry, approval of mom
and love of dads and vice versa. I think I
just say that backwards, right.
Speaker 4 (30:25):
Yeah, interesting enough, my mom, would you know constantly remind
me that at least it wasn't as bad as living
with my dad. And it's as an adult I heard
that from my dad and in my head, I don't
see one was better than the other.
Speaker 3 (30:44):
No, not at all.
Speaker 2 (30:46):
Not at all, another form of abuse. So you went
from abuse to abuse, different forms and no. And I
think confusing that with mom approving you because you would
do drugs with her feels like love. It feels like protection,
lost trust for a moment that that embarrassment, humiliation, things
(31:08):
that you describe. I'm sure people can relate to. Thank
you for sharing this part of your story. It is
time for our second break. I believe I'm seeing on
screen we're going to come back with Sarah and more
of her story and how she moved through this and
what was the turning point for her and how she
broke free. So don't go far. We'll be back with
more sol CPR.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
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(31:52):
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Speaker 2 (33:30):
Hello again and we are back. We are talking about
redefining love after childhood trauma, and I want to clarify
something that I was saying before the break. Girls want
to feel approved by their moms and feel loved by
their fathers, and it's the opposite for boys. They want
to feel loved by their moms and they want to
(33:50):
feel approved of by their fathers. And I can imagine
Sarah and your story and share with your mom that
you felt approved by your mom when you do drugs
with her, You felt approved by her when you were
getting your hair and nails done the way that she
was teaching you and showing up in life the way
(34:10):
you were. But I can't imagine being a thirteen year
old hungry that someone says eat this, and you won't
be hungry. Of course you would, right, But next thing
you know, you find yourself addicted to meth and doing
math daily yourself at thirteen, with a younger brother at eleven.
It's quite a sad story, another form of abuse. And
while your mother is telling you it's not as bad
(34:32):
as a dad's yeah, and a young mind starts believing that,
right I did.
Speaker 3 (34:39):
I did. I definitely believed it.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
So what was the turning point in your life?
Speaker 4 (34:45):
When I was fifteen, I was raped by two people
and it was a very violent, brutal rape. I think
a lot of people just assume that when you say
you've been, like, you know, sexually abused, that they just
(35:08):
automatically is always violent.
Speaker 3 (35:10):
That's actually not the truth.
Speaker 4 (35:12):
I would say ninety percent of the sexual abuse I
experienced was very intimate, in a manipulating way, very sincere
in the very manipulating way, more or less just to
get my guard down and to get me comfortable into
also so that I wouldn't say anything.
Speaker 3 (35:30):
This particular occasion. It was extremely violent.
Speaker 4 (35:34):
To this day, I still have scars on my body
from what they did to me, and I did go.
My mom actually was right there when they basically delivered
me back to her, and she refused to call the
police because they were actively cooking meth in the backyard,
(35:57):
and so my mother treated my wounds at home. I
was still in school, and the coach noticed things, you know,
and uh spoke up on them, and at that point
I was actually taken out of school. And it was
maybe a month or so into that. I saw my
(36:19):
grandparents the day after I was raped, and my nanog
to this day she you know, I finally actually just
told them a couple of years ago, because she would
always ask me, you know, I knew something was wrong.
I knew something was wrong. You know, why didn't you
come and tell us. I was so addicted to drugs
at that time, and at that time I also was promiscuous,
(36:43):
and so in a sense, I almost felt like I
deserved it. And so there was probably a couple of
months after that. What I what I remember, but the
swat team did kick in our door and they had
took my stepdad had already went back to present a
couple of months before that, and then and then they
(37:04):
took my mom back to prison when I was fifteen.
So at that point CPS didn't step in. Nobody came in.
That the police actually left me and my little brother
there at the house with and I know it almost
sounds unreal, but it's it's one hundred percent truth.
Speaker 3 (37:20):
Wow, nobody came.
Speaker 4 (37:21):
And so after two weeks of us living there, me
and him ended up on the streets. And that's when
you know, I I I was really.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
Into the gang life.
Speaker 4 (37:35):
I had found you know, safety in other places in
the streets and still actively using.
Speaker 3 (37:44):
And you know, I I.
Speaker 4 (37:47):
Remained homeless until I actually got pregnant with.
Speaker 3 (37:51):
My first kid.
Speaker 2 (37:52):
So what did getting pregnant with your first child do
for your mindset and what you wanted in life.
Speaker 4 (38:04):
I had never had a reason to live, nor had
ever actually thought about that at the time. I had
never had. There was one little girl that I used
to look after in my neighborhood that had a really
hard life, and I would I would protect her and
I would look out for her and you know, make
sure she had food. You know, even though I didn't
(38:24):
like I would, I still I am still have a
great relationship with this little girl. She's a fantastic mother.
But uh, when I found out I was pregnant with
my son, I was. I was on drugs that day
and I was actually a couple of months pregnant and
I didn't know it, and I had gotten into I
(38:44):
was in a vehicle that was in a car accident,
and that's how I found out I was pregnant. And
I don't know, something just came over me, like I
don't I for once in my life, I had something
to live for. I didn't really know what that was.
I didn't know what that felt like. But just I
will be thankful for to the day I die that
I literally was able to put the method down that day.
Speaker 2 (39:09):
So it sounds like it was a decision, yes, because
of the inspiration and a motivation. So you were able
to put the meth down that day. No withdrawals, no
drug rehab, no no.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
But I gained a lot of weight.
Speaker 4 (39:23):
I had never had an appetite like that before in
my life, but I did.
Speaker 3 (39:27):
I gained a lot of weight. But I was very secluded.
Speaker 4 (39:33):
I don't really remember a lot about that time in
my life, just other than the fact that I just
don't I don't know. I'll be grateful for that strength
every day that I was able to do that, because
it changed my whole life.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
I can I can tell everyone here that that turning
point does start with a decision. Sometimes it takes some
kind of breakdown or revelation in your case, the pregnancy
that became an inspiration, but it always starts with a decision.
(40:06):
It may not be as easy as no rehab, but
it is a decision. It starts there. So did you
go to a shelter? What happened from there?
Speaker 3 (40:15):
So?
Speaker 4 (40:15):
Actually I had a lady that actually allowed me to
live in her garage when I gave birth to my
first kid, and then shortly after I actually found out
I was pregnant again and I was my daughter. And
at that point there was decisions that I had made
(40:37):
whenever I was a minor that I ended up actually
having to go to jail for a little while for,
and so the lady would not allow me to live
in her garage anymore. So I ended up living in
a shed when I had my second child. At that point,
I was twenty one, and I always worked. I did
drop out of school in the ninth grade, but I
(40:59):
always either had a means to try to make money
or I had a job in legal tops. Yeah, I
mean even at one point I worked at Burger King
when I was fourteen, and they would just give me
and my little brother food because my mom, I got
one paycheck and she took it for me, which was
legal for her to take my paycheck, so they would
(41:21):
give us food instead or let us hang out there
because they had ac and we didn't have ac.
Speaker 3 (41:27):
In my house.
Speaker 4 (41:29):
But so my mom got out of prison when I
was twenty one, and she actually had moved to Oklahoma
with my stepfather, who had actually been sober for years
and he had changed his life. But you know, I
was very an very isolated person, so I just didn't
talk to anybody, and of course we didn't.
Speaker 3 (41:49):
Have cell phones and stuff like that back then.
Speaker 4 (41:53):
And so she had told me that I could get
on housing in three months there and in Texas it
was like eight years. So that's why me and my
kids were homeless, and that you know, she was going
to be sober, and I actually had hope again for
my mom, and so I moved to Oklahoma with my
two old my two oldest biological children and within three
(42:16):
months of the evening there, I had my ged and
I had signed up for Section eight, and I had
gotten my first home. And that was literally like a
path of I had fire behind me and I wasn't
going to turn back.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
Okay, So you started taking a responsibility for your life.
You had hope in your mom, but you were not
leaning on your mom. Yes, you were by being forward
education and you had a determination. It sounds like for
your kids to live differently than you had.
Speaker 4 (42:48):
Yes, Okay, my mom's psychologically had deteriorated.
Speaker 3 (42:55):
Yeah. No, so even though she was off of.
Speaker 2 (43:00):
I'm sorry the audience, my dog is in here snoring
so loud, so you hear that. That is the pit. Okay,
go ahead, Sarah.
Speaker 3 (43:10):
So cute, he's so cute. He is so loud.
Speaker 4 (43:14):
You know, my mom's mental state was extremely fragile, so
at that point it was experiencing the suicide attempts from her,
and she was off of myth, but she traded it
in for pills, and so she was just trading one
addiction for another. So my stepdad actually ended up divorcing
(43:38):
her during this time, but he remained an extremely active
role in my life. I lived in Oklahoma for almost
ten years. And in that time, I, like I said,
I got my gd I actually got into college. I
got an associate's degree, and then I I got my
bachelor's degree. I was in college for seven and a
half years straight. But I worked at a shelter with
(44:01):
kids during that time, and I had no idea that
this was the role that I was meant to play
in life. But I got involved in a lot of
other children's life and I at the time, I also
gave birth to two more sons, so I had four
biological children. And I was acquiring more and more kids
(44:25):
as I went. And I never knew that was my calling.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
And by acquiring, she means she would take children in
she raise them as her own. And this is just
one of any things that I adore about you.
Speaker 4 (44:42):
Yeah, they are my legacy. I am more than proud
of them. I could never express how much each one
of them mean to me in their own individual ways.
Speaker 2 (44:52):
So tell us about starting your cleaning business.
Speaker 3 (44:57):
Oh my goodness and.
Speaker 2 (45:00):
Lounges of being a single mom was while starting a business.
Speaker 4 (45:03):
So I one of the most amazing things was a
couple of the older i'd say young adults that I
guess to me, they were still kids. They were, but
they were very responsible. They were the reason why I
could go to college. At night, they would be with
my younger children. And so, needless to say, when I
came back to Texas, it was almost and it was
(45:28):
so empowering because like I was coming back and I
was like this completely different person.
Speaker 3 (45:33):
Yeah, me and I came back with nine kids.
Speaker 4 (45:39):
I came back with nine kids, I five.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
Ten. Uh.
Speaker 4 (45:48):
I got a job doing roadside assistants. Actually, my biological
father got me that job. At that time, me and
my biological father had rekindled our relationship ship and then
I'm sure we'll talk about that in a moment. Also
because a lot of people pass a lot of judgment
because of that, which I think is a very double
(46:12):
sided sword.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
But I'm so sorry, thank you. I always had side jobs,
like I babysit.
Speaker 4 (46:24):
On the weekends or you know, things of that nature,
just to make extra money. I didn't get any financial
assistance to take in the children that were not biologically mine.
So if I had a sandwich, I could split it
in half, is how we saw it, and that's wee sharing.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
We were in.
Speaker 4 (46:41):
A three bedroom apartment with nine kids and myself, and
it was probably some of the happiest times in my life.
I miss having all of them little. And you're talking.
Some were newborns, you know, some were toddlers, some were older, and.
Speaker 2 (46:57):
Every everybody could sin and help. And then the meantime,
you're building a business.
Speaker 4 (47:03):
Yes, ma'am. So I my aunt got me an office
cleaning job, and while I also had my full time job,
and so I was cleaning and my kids would go,
my older kids will go help me. I'm so sorry, okay.
And and probably about six months into that, the owner
(47:26):
of the company asked me to clean his house. And
then you know, within a year of me doing that,
I had a couple of more people asking me to
come clean their house. And then I mean it just
one day somebody said, you know, you're cleaning company, and
I was like, what are you talking about? You know,
and they're like, you clean. I was like, yeah, I'm
so sorry.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
Yeah. And the perfect last name for a business, a
smart cleaning and using all natural products as smart just
created a lovely business name.
Speaker 3 (47:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (47:57):
Yeah, it went hand in hand. My grand mother, my
ne aw that raised me. She had a cleaning company.
My whole upbringing okay, And so whenever I was younger,
I would go with her to make ready cleanings and
things like that. And when I told her that I
was going to go into a full time cleaning because
(48:19):
it was like I could go clean for a couple
hours and make as much as I did in a
forty hour work week. And being a single mom, you know,
your kids get sick, your kids want to play football,
your kids have after school activities, and those were all
things I would have to sacrifice as being a single mom.
Speaker 3 (48:38):
And it was by choice, you know. You know.
Speaker 4 (48:41):
Unfortunately, when I say I'm a single mom, you know,
the relationships with their fathers were not well because I
was not emotionally mature enough to really understand that even
you know, they were abusive and not all that. There
(49:02):
was one that was very abusive to me, and I
accepted it because it was basically what I.
Speaker 3 (49:10):
Was used to.
Speaker 2 (49:10):
You hadn't learned how to define.
Speaker 3 (49:12):
Love, not at all.
Speaker 4 (49:14):
My As my kids got older, I was I learned
that they taught me that because my kids have never
manipulated me, and uh, you know, they just taught me
what like pure love was love with no motivation and
in back I gave that back to them, even the
(49:36):
children I didn't give birth to. We you see, they
they they all have so much respect for me and
so much love for me. And people always ask me,
how did you How did you do that? You know,
I just treated them how I always wanted to be treated,
and in turn, they they give that right back to me.
Speaker 2 (49:55):
That's wonderful. So how had your children's and involvement in
your business, because I know now that your older children
are very involved and work alongside you every day. How
has that strengthened your bond with your children?
Speaker 4 (50:11):
It's incredible. So the older kids that I had helped
me start the business. What you realized it was a business. Yeah,
once I realized it was a business, I won two
of my particular older daughters that I did not give
birth to. But I'm very honored to call them my daughters.
I you know, they they just they just one day started.
(50:33):
You know, you just come with me and help me
clean this house. You know, can you come with me
and help me do this? And and then now that
the younger ones, which you consider my older ones, those
are the babies. Actually, it was so funny, the ones,
they just the pandemic happened. And when the pandemic happened,
a majority of my kids, you know, they're all home,
(50:55):
so you know, what better way for them to get
out of the house legally they could go and help
me clean clean. And our relationships are I don't know
I have anybody that has a better relationship with their
children than I do. And I actually that's one of
the things I'm the proudest of. They I got to
(51:17):
know my children all individually, they got to know me better.
It was probably only a couple of years ago that
I started being more open about my past. You know,
people would say things, you know, like there's a reason
why your mom works this hard, there's a reason why
your mom is so kind to people, and it doesn't
it's very genuine, uh, you.
Speaker 3 (51:40):
Know, and it tookn't.
Speaker 4 (51:42):
I think that's when I started kind of going back
and trying to understand why I am the way that
I am about certain things. I'm very shy, but I'm
very friendly. At the same time. I always try to
see the good in them and so and good in people, and.
Speaker 3 (52:00):
So I really put sure I pushed that.
Speaker 4 (52:02):
I'm not push that, but that's something that I've like
marinated my children and it's just to be a kind person.
And I love my relationship with each one of them.
They're all unique in our relationships are all unique. You
wouldn't be able to tell any of those kids that
they're not, that they're not all blood related. Their bonds
are just incredible to this day. I mean, and I
(52:24):
had no ideal that that's what I was forming when
I just didn't. I didn't know what I was doing
when I was doing it. I just knew that God
told me to do it. Yeah, and so I just
did it.
Speaker 2 (52:37):
And so I'm hearing that self reflection and maybe spiritual
growth and connection to God for you has been important
for your journey of healing. What else or who else
have been part of your healing journey? Have you learned
(52:58):
to love yourself?
Speaker 4 (53:00):
I think that's something that I'm doing right now. I
know that sounds in my forties. Sometimes I feel like
when I explain things, I sound almost childlike, because I
do feel like there's a lot of areas emotionally that
are very.
Speaker 3 (53:14):
Childlike for me.
Speaker 4 (53:16):
I have a lot of Yeah, I was formally diagnosed
with complex PDSD and that manic depressive which I would
have never thought that I was, because I don't feel
like that. I you know, I think that people get
the wrong idea when they you know, they think, oh,
(53:36):
you you're walk around you're sad all the time, and
and I'm not like that. You know, maybe sometimes on
the inside, but it's outside, you know, I'm happy.
Speaker 3 (53:47):
I don't.
Speaker 4 (53:48):
I think more of my quiet moments is whenever I
see things like that about myself. But I definitely have
physical I guess you'd say ticks in a way where
I'm more timid in certain areas. I'm really trying so
hard to to fix that. I used to be very angry,
(54:09):
and you know, you just kind of go through those
motions of you know, then then trying to find normalcy
in in an adult relationship. Right. So that's something that
I haven't accomplished yet, but I'm currently actually working on
that in in myself and UH hoping that the person
(54:31):
that UH is they've been very patient with me and
that they seem to be very accepting of my past,
because it can be very humiliating. Some people don't want
to deal with people that have been through things like that,
you know, and I can understand that I don't judge
people by that, because you know it does take a
(54:54):
special person. I'm a very calm person. I'm very quiet.
I didn't always used to be that way. I used
to be pretty violent when I was a teenager. I'd
like to fight and stuff.
Speaker 2 (55:06):
And that's and that acting out or in a way
is a symptom of pain, just like your father's abuse
of you was a symptom of his pain. It doesn't
excuse it, but it helps us understand it. Right, there's
a term hurting people, hurt people, and then that also
(55:29):
applies back towards self. We often will be self destructive
when we're hurting. Yeah, and that's a course apparent in
your history. As we think about this self love and
the fact you're learning to do that now, it's never
too late, as they say, so I think listeners can
can certainly relate to that if you're on that journey also,
(55:53):
trying to learn to love yourself after trauma, after betrayal,
after which is throughout of course you're history as well,
because all abuse is betrayal and that breaking of trust.
So trying to learn how to have help the adult
relationships is certainly going to be difficult. There's something called
(56:13):
the mother wound, which is something you certainly experience, which
is where there's a loss of connection or lack of
nurturing by the mother, and certainly in this case, not
just lack of but yeah, a manipulative situation then a
(56:34):
codependency where you needed to be with her in a
way that you even set yourself up to self betray.
Speaker 4 (56:42):
I think didn't my mom's suicide attempts. I would be
very angry with her because I couldn't understand why, because
she would the majority of them happened in front of me,
and they're very vicious, and that's a form.
Speaker 2 (56:54):
Of abuse as well, yes, because.
Speaker 4 (56:56):
She would tell me that you know now you'll never
have a mother and things like that, and I would
be very angry with her, like I couldn't understand why
she would want so. Yeah, and I even went through
like survivor's guilt for sure, my brother's passing, and I
if I was if people didn't like me that much
(57:18):
as a child, then I didn't understand why God allowed
me to live in them, to pass away and suffer.
Speaker 3 (57:26):
I felt like it should have been me, and not
being like morbid about it, but just being very honest
that I did feel that way as a child that
you know I should have it should have been me
because they didn't like me.
Speaker 2 (57:41):
That's very introspective and insightful for you too.
Speaker 4 (57:45):
Yeah, to to explain and protecting my abusers, I think
was a big deal to protecting your abusers. I hear
that a lot. It is time for our third and
final break.
Speaker 2 (57:56):
Don't go far. We're going to combat with some closing
thoughts and less and so I'm redefining love.
Speaker 5 (58:03):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure how.
(58:23):
I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for the Carrying Generation
radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings, six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships,
health wellbeing and more. Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying
Generation are on my website Pamela Dwilson dot com, plus
(58:46):
my Caregiving library. Online caregiver support programs and programs for
corporations interested in supporting working caregivers. Help, Hope and support
for caregivers is here on The Carrying Generation and Pamela
d Wilson dot org.
Speaker 1 (59:00):
Doctor RC will share extraordinary resources and services that promote
educational success as well as making a difference in the
lives of all social workers as well as the lives
of children, adolescents and teens of today. She will have
open discussions addressing many of the issues that we face
(59:20):
about our youth and how being employed in the uniquely
skilled profession of social work for over eighteen years has
taught invaluable lessons through her personal experiences. She will also
provide real life facts, examples and personal stories that will
confirm that why serving as a child advocate is extremely
beneficial when addressing the needs of the whole child. Listen
(59:41):
Live to Dare to Soar Saturdays ten am Eastern on
the BBM Global Network and tune in radio as doctor
RC will provide thought provoking information that will empower, encourage,
and strengthen students, families, and communities across our nation. You
can also visit her at sore within Katie dot com.
Speaker 2 (01:00:13):
And We're back, Sarah. I wanted to ask you because
we said at the top of the show, this was
really the first time you've shared a lot of this
out loud about your story and your journey. What do
you feel actually gave you permission or freedom to do that?
Speaker 5 (01:00:30):
Now?
Speaker 4 (01:00:32):
One the last year and a half, my mother passed away,
and my papa passed away, and my stepdad also passed away,
and my grandma and my dad's side passed away. There
was some sort of freedom from that in a sense.
You know, I was very I love my papa, he
(01:00:54):
was an amazing man.
Speaker 3 (01:00:54):
He never heard me.
Speaker 4 (01:00:56):
And my stepfather, you know, was never physically abusive to me.
But my mom, I you know, the last three weeks
of her life is probably the best relationship we ever had.
Speaker 3 (01:01:09):
Uh and uh, she you know, told me that she
loved me.
Speaker 4 (01:01:13):
I took my MoMA to eat for the first time
in my life, and then you know, it was very
abrupt that that I lost her. So but I am
there was just as there was a sense of freedom
that you know, I understand my father is still alive,
which you know makes me hesitant in some areas because
(01:01:36):
I have forgiven my father. I don't believe my dad
is the same person that he was whenever I was
a kid.
Speaker 3 (01:01:44):
And uh, you know, uh, you know, I.
Speaker 4 (01:01:48):
I know that me and him will never be able
to have a real father daughter relationship because like I said,
you know, it's my comfort level. I still feel very
adolescent in that area.
Speaker 3 (01:02:00):
So but the.
Speaker 2 (01:02:03):
Fact that you are able to forgive, and I'd like
listeners to understand, forgiveness does not mean condoning or excusing behavior.
It means letting go, so it doesn't hold you back
from moving forward in life. So that's a beautiful thing
that you're able to offer for yourself. Forgivenesses for self
(01:02:24):
people to understand. So, if you had any words of
encouragement for listeners, any advice for people who may be
struggling to heal after such types of hardships or to
move forward in life, to let go of that anger
or the behaviors in and up hurting themselves, what would
it be.
Speaker 4 (01:02:43):
Hey, you know, that's probably a very hard question for
me to actually answer because I think that I barely
tipped the ice bird of healing. I think this right
here today, this conversation is the biggest step I've ever
taken in it being honest with my kids about who
I am and you know, just don't be ashamed of
(01:03:06):
what you've been through.
Speaker 2 (01:03:08):
Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, I think you know well, honesty
can be hard, silence can be harder. So again we
said the top of the show, it really takes courage,
and I really am proud of you for being here
today and sharing. I do want to ask you because
you said something to me one day. It's been several
(01:03:29):
weeks ago now, but I understand you are in a
relationship now, in an intimate partner relationship, and how is
that feeling for you? How is that well?
Speaker 4 (01:03:43):
In technically no titles, but because it does take me
a lot, but this particular person has really helped me
find myself and he doesn't even know that, but I
guess he will now just find myself as a woman
in experiencing the you know, love on a different spectrum,
(01:04:06):
and he's probably well, he is the only person I've
ever been brutally honest with about my past and he
is so accepting of it. And I feel so safe
with him and so comfortable with him with my children.
Speaker 3 (01:04:23):
It feels very free. I feel like I can grow.
Speaker 4 (01:04:27):
I think that that also has been a turning point
in my life too, just being able to tell somebody
and them not go, oh, that's too much.
Speaker 2 (01:04:39):
You know.
Speaker 4 (01:04:40):
He's just very open with me. I think he's got
a great heart, and you know, just you know, you
never know where things are going to take you in life.
So I'm just open right now. I'm more open to
love more than I ever been in my whole life.
Speaker 2 (01:04:55):
So love it, open to love, yeah, and see where
it goes.
Speaker 1 (01:04:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:05:00):
Yeah, it's not technically my man.
Speaker 2 (01:05:02):
Yet, Okay. And I think the fact that loving yourself
first is sort of part of what that work first
and making sure that that's in place, and health the
boundaries after trauma, of course, are important for everyone. And
we've gone over a few minutes today because this conversation
(01:05:23):
warranted it. And I hope that listeners are listening and
recognize that if Sarah, with all she's been through, has
come through this on the other side, that you can
come through what you're going through. And it all started
with the decision, and then I'm going to say sheer
determination and that hard work. And then what I heard
(01:05:48):
you do in your story is what was missing for you.
Rather than be bitter and resemble that you didn't have it,
you just gave it to others. Not having that mother
and the nurturing and all that you should have had
a healthy bonding, you created that in your life within
four others. And it's some people think.
Speaker 4 (01:06:10):
To see, I wanted to stop that abuse. I never
wanted any of those kids, the ones I gave birth to,
the ones, I just wanted to protect them. And yes,
and in that in that cycle because the other children
that I brought in my life also, you know, have
been through bad things. My kids, my biological children, have
(01:06:31):
never been abused, but you know, just giving everybody a
safe place and in a you know, a chance to
be who they are. And they're just incredible. They're all
such incredible people. So yeah, they're my legacy.
Speaker 2 (01:06:46):
They are, so with that, I think it's a great
place to close the show. You have done an amazing
service to these kids that have Who knows where they'd
be without your intervention in their lives and helping them.
And if you're looking for purpose and what you went
(01:07:09):
through there. It is because you know how to help
these kids and you continue to do so. Absolutely. So
if you want to get in touch with Sarah, we
do have in the show notes her Facebook link. She
has a beautiful page where she just puts motivating and
inspirational posts, and she also has her business page, Smart
(01:07:32):
Cleaning DFW and it is I met her because of
the business and I'm just you can't help but want
to talk to her. And again, I love just to
bring inspiring people on this show, and it was someone
that I've been thinking about for quite a while. So
I'm so glad you're here. Remember, listeners, that healing is
(01:07:54):
not a linear journey as a process of transformational It's
a journey. So just like you heard in Sarah's story,
it can be quite the journey. So allow yourself that
grace for whatever journey you may be on, whatever path
you may be on. If today's show resonated with you,
(01:08:15):
please share it with others who may need a lifeline
of their own. Please subscribe, rate and subscribe rate and
leave a review to help us reach more parts. And
you can always connect with me on social media on Facebook,
It's at Skyview Coaching and on all the other platforms.
It's at a popayote and let me know what other
(01:08:37):
show topics you'd like to have featured on the show.
The show is for you. If you want to hear
more about the mother wound or overcoming different traumas, let's
talk about it. You can leave me, drop me a
note on one of those platforms, or leave a comment
on this show for all of that, and we will
(01:08:58):
definitely follow up on And I'll leave you with the
closing of Please breathe fully, love openly, and live sulfully
until next time. Good day.
Speaker 1 (01:09:13):
This has been sole CPR with host and Papa Yode
breathe life back into your spirit with each episode where
she and special guests explore the relationships that hurt us
and discover that healing can only begin with you. Tuesdays
at three pm Eastern on the Bold Brave TV Network
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