March 4, 2025 • 57 mins
In this episode of Soul CPR, Ann sits down with Charlotte Gerard, a mental health graduate student and the creator of Psychology Unfiltered, a motivational social media platform to explore the challenges of dating in today’s world. Charlotte shares her personal journey—from childhood bullying and rejection to navigating the complexities of modern relationships. Together, we discuss how past wounds shape our romantic experiences, the struggles of genuine connection in the digital age, and how self-awareness can help break unhealthy patterns. Whether you're single, dating, or simply curious about human connection, this conversation is filled with valuable insights to help you approach relationships with more confidence and clarity. And perhaps we will discover that no matter how modern the generation, love problems are classical.
Connect with Charlotte on IG: @psychology_unfiltered
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Check out Ann's website: https://skyviewcoaching.com/
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#soulcpr #pyschologyunfiltered #annpapayoti #realconnection #selfawareness #breakthecycle #itsnotyouitsme #unhealthyrelationships #healthyrelationships #selflove #selflovefirst #consciousdating #healingjourney
Connect with Charlotte on IG: @psychology_unfiltered
Follow Ann on Social Media:
https://www.yourtango.com/experts/ann-papayoti
https://www.instagram.com/annpapayoti/?hl=en
https://www.facebook.com/skyviewcoaching
https://www.linkedin.com/in/annpapayoti/
https://twitter.com/ann_papayoti?lang=en
Check out Ann's website: https://skyviewcoaching.com/
Buy Ann's book from Amazon: https://tinyurl.com/soulcprpodcast
#soulcpr #pyschologyunfiltered #annpapayoti #realconnection #selfawareness #breakthecycle #itsnotyouitsme #unhealthyrelationships #healthyrelationships #selflove #selflovefirst #consciousdating #healingjourney
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Are you ready to untangle from your past, recover from heartbreak,
and revive your life. This is Soul CPR with your
host and Papa Yode. We've all had soul crushing experiences
and lost ourselves in our pain, but there is a
way out. On this podcast, Amazon best selling author, award
winning life coach and advice columnist and Papa Yode helps
(00:27):
us navigate the path from heartbreak to healing. So now
please welcome the host of Soul CPR and Papa Yode.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Hello everyone, and thank you for tuning in today. You know,
love is a universal theme, isn't it, and so therefore
heartbreak is as well. And love can make us happy,
it can make us sad, it can make us feel.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Lost, and it can make us feel found.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
The finding love can be a pursuit that makes us
frustrated and feeling insane sometimes, or it can also become
a path to great self discovery. So joining me today
to share her personal story and to talk about the
struggles of dating in the modern world is my friend
Charlotte's your Art. She's a mental health graduate student and
(01:19):
the creator of Psychology Unfiltered, a motivational Instagram platform, and
she's passionate about making psychology based insights accessible and practical
and helping people better understand themselves and improve their well being.
And she loves diving into conversations about personal growth, mental health,
(01:41):
and the science behind human behavior. She's my kind of person. Charlotte,
Welcome to the show. Thank you excited to be here,
Thank you, Thanks for joining me. So, Charlotte, I always
like to share with my audience. You know how I
know my guests and find them to be with me
on the show. So I first met your beautiful mom
in my Zoomba classes when I first moved to the
(02:03):
Dallas area from Montreal, and I soon found out that
she was from France originally, and therefore I talked her
into being my son, Christopher's bridge tutor to help him
finish out his high school years. And as she and
I became friends, as moms do, we shared about our
children's lives, about their accomplishments, and also about our concerns
(02:26):
for them. And so I eventually had the pleasure of
meeting you at a luncheon with her, and I'm going
to let you take it from there.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
Well, the circumstances behind that luncheon were not ideal. I
was recently going through a pretty tough breakup that had
happened just a couple of days before, and in mom's
efforts to try and cheer me up, she was like,
you should come to lunch with some of my girlfriends.
They are going to cheer you right up. And Anne
happened to be there. Didn't even know that you were
(02:57):
a relationship coach, and so it was one of those
just serendipitous moments.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
It was it was, and I was happy to be there,
and we had a very in depth conversation. We really
connected right away, not only about your situation. You were
open and honest, and I don't all forgot to get
some less asked, but I think that you had some
insights there. And then we also talked about your career
(03:24):
a little bit because you.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Were so insightful.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I was curious what you wanted to do with your life,
and you had a very stable, great job, still do.
But the more we talked, I learned that actually you
were interested in doing something more in alignment with what
I do.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
So tell me about that.
Speaker 4 (03:45):
So studied psychology and undergrad it really has always been
my passion, even since high school. Really love understanding human behavior,
and in college I thought I wanted to go to
grad school be a clinical psychologist, maybe work with children.
Very quickly that didn't seem to be the right path
(04:07):
for me, you know, COVID hit. Everything started shifting and
ended up taking an organizational leadership class right kind of
fell in love with it, fell in love with business
psych and how you can use psychology to improve leadership
and teams. But my love for helping people and wanting
(04:27):
to be a clinical psychologist or a counselor was always
still somewhere in the back of my mind.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
And hearing your story.
Speaker 4 (04:36):
And how you became a coach, it was like when
you were talking, I almost felt like something ignite inside
of me where I was like, wait, I can go
back to this, because it almost felt like, well, I've
made my choice, now I.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Have to stick with it.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
But yeah, and interesting that you say it that way,
because I find people do that with relationships as well.
I've made my choice, now I have to stick with it,
and we stay too long. So now you are a
graduate student studying.
Speaker 4 (05:10):
Mental health counseling.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Mental health counseling, I love it. So while you're still
doing working in the business world. You're studying to go
and follow that original path that you always thought you would,
but in the meantime, relationships still an issue.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
So tell me.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
I know that you were seeing a therapist when I
met you. You still are. You also became a coaching client
of mine. Tell us a little bit about your struggles
in relationships and not just with romantic relationships.
Speaker 3 (05:41):
Right, So, as you.
Speaker 4 (05:45):
Previously mentioned, my family's French we moved here to the US,
and so I was raised in a French household, French
customs which always been already kind of set me apart
from my peers growing up and ad on top of
the fact that we moved every three to four years,
so I was constantly having to reinvent myself and try
(06:08):
and adapt to the new state we were living in,
especially when you're making drastic moves from the northeast to
the south. And I found that throughout my childhood I
was often not included. I just felt very left out.
It's been a recurring theme, and whether it was relationships
(06:33):
or even just my surroundings, I just always felt like
I had this sense of belonging that was missing.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
So you experienced that with like you said, friendships with relationships.
So how did this show up as a fear? If
you named it as a fear, labeled it, what would
you call it.
Speaker 4 (06:53):
I really had a fear of rejection from others and
also a fear of being alone, so badly wanted connection
because it was something that was always taken away from me.
I feel like I would get a really good friend
and then either that friendship would end or I would move.
And it was just constant, like almost the feeling of
(07:15):
like something being taken away from me. So it really
ignited this fear of rejection and fear of being alone.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Sure, so how did that show up as a behavior
for you, like a pattern in relationships?
Speaker 4 (07:33):
I think because it kind of had this feeling of
like something being taken away from me. I almost like
tried to latch on before it could get taken away
from me. And so but the problem with that is
that I was latching on to the wrong people. And
as soon as I thought someone could be maybe that
(07:53):
best friend or that relationship, that boyfriend, even if they
weren't the right person for me, but I thought that
they could fill that need inside of me, I would
try and latch on before they could reject me or
leave or somehow get taken away from me again.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Okay, so holding on whether it was a job or
a person might have become like that theme.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
What about.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Any I know, once we started working together as coach
and client, you had a couple of specific aha moments
or insights you want to share some of those.
Speaker 4 (08:37):
I was talking to this guy in around the holidays,
and I really liked him. I think out of anybody
I've ever kind of dated, this is probably the one
that I really saw the most potential with and was
the most excited about. Unfortunately, it ended he was just
(08:57):
not in a place where he was ready for a relationship,
and when we had that conversation, I took it really hard.
At first, I was like, again, you know, why am
I not good enough? And kind of that phrase if
he wanted to, he would, But I kind of had
first the aha that if it wasn't working out, there
(09:19):
was a reason and something better is waiting for me.
But then I also started doing my own reflecting and
realizing that it felt like I needed that relationship more
than just wanted it, and so coming at it from
a place of need is not a healthy place, and
(09:39):
so I realized that while he might not be ready
for a relationship, I also might not be ready either,
and I need to learn to be okay with being
alone and getting over my fear of rejection before I
can really be in a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
I hope every body listening is taking no on that
that healing yourself and finding out what it is that
creates that need to be in a relationship is key
to finding healthy, fulfilling, rewarding, mutually respectful relationships that can
(10:19):
stand the test of time. So that was a big,
big moment for you, Charlotte, and that's when we put
in the show notes this it's not you, it's me.
That's the beautiful side of that. I know a lot
of people use that phrase as an excuse, but those
who use it as their truth and take the time
(10:39):
to heal and learn how to self love to show
up as the best version of themselves before entering a relationship,
they're the ones that really make it work and make
it work well. So anything else that you want to
share that you've learned on your journey, I think for
(11:01):
many of us, we stay on a journey of being
a work in progress. And I know that in my
second marriage. I wasn't fully there yet, but we had
that mutual respect that we continued to learn and grow
together and we're able to communicate through that. But anything
else that you've learned, What about with your friendships? What
have you learned?
Speaker 4 (11:24):
I think something that came from my fear of rejection
in my childhood was this idea that whenever I was
getting rejected, it was immediately what's wrong with me? Why
am I not good enough? I mean, I've had friendships,
relationships with people that I wasn't very fond of that ended,
(11:45):
and even when it was them ending it with me,
it was immediately putting my own character into question. And
I immediately started questioning everything I've ever known about myself
simply because they didn't want to continue, right the friendship,
the relationship, whatever it may be, even if I maybe
(12:06):
wasn't that into it either. And so one of the
biggest healing moments came from one of our sessions where
we were analyzing a recent friendship that had ended and
I was really internalizing it, trying to understand, and you
really told me that their actions were more a reflection.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
Of them than of me.
Speaker 4 (12:29):
And while nobody's perfect and we can always, like you said,
beyond this journey of growth. There was nothing wrong with me.
It just wasn't the right friendship.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
And when we come from that place of neediness, we're
going to attract other people who are also coming from
places of insecurities and neediness as well. So negative energy
actually attracts more negative energy, and so we really want
to to find that awareness so that we can come
(13:05):
back to that place of self reflection and therefore self growth.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
And that's what I've really seen in you and I.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
It's very admirable and it's something to model for all
of us, no matter our age, no matter our generation.
And it's again when we talk about modern love versus
old fashioned, we're going to get to the idio secrecies
of modern love. But don't you hear that the issues
(13:32):
are the same.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
It's old fashioned.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
It's the same whether you were I was dating at
Charlotte's age, and we had the same insecurities, the same fears.
We fell into relationships and latched on rather than leaning
in perhaps if we weren't already healthy and whole alone
and just wanting a relationship rather than needing one.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
I wholly.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Recommend and a proponent of wanting a relationship right, we
were meant for connection, wanting a relationship. But there's a
balance between wanting and letting go of outcomes right and
allowing just allowing things to happen while also doing so.
(14:22):
Here's a big balancing act right doing, which means making
being open for relationships to happen without trying to force
them by just latching on and falling in. As Charlotte
was describing so old fashioned problems, they're the same old
thing they're about us. I read a book years ago
(14:44):
that said, it's not him, it's me, So obviously addressing
women and trying to get us to look at ourselves
and truly heal ourselves before we put ourselves out there
to find our partner in life. It is time for
our first break. When we come back, we're going to
have more with Charlotte, and we really want to talk
(15:04):
about some of those modern dating scenarios that she con
best to tell us about. So don't go far. We'll
be back with more.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
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(15:36):
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Her father, a commercial artist who shared his instruments with
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(15:59):
influence wins her decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss
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Listen Saturday mornings at twelve Eastern with the Nancy and
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Speaker 5 (16:18):
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(16:38):
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Speaker 2 (17:20):
Hello and welcome back to Soul's CPR and Papayote. I'm
here with my guests Charlotte Gerard, and we are talking
about modern dating and old fashioned problems when they come
into play. So when we talk about modern love, Charlotte,
there are mindsets and norms that have certainly shifted since
(17:40):
Gen xers were young and dating, for sure, and it
might be actually the only norms that you know and
your generation actually have experience. And I imagine some of
them are easier in some ways and more difficult in others.
And the first thing that comes to mind for me
is technolog and communication. So kick us off, let's talk
(18:04):
about it.
Speaker 4 (18:06):
So social media communications are phones. It's amazing we can
talk to people across the world, and it can make
long distance relationships a lot easier. It can make just
relationships in general a lot easier just having ability to
communicate more constantly. But it also comes with so many
(18:28):
more problems. And we all know in psychology the paradox
of choice and if you have too many choices that
you can get overwhelmed stressed. But what a lot of
people don't know is that the paradox of choice, the
more choices you have, the less satisfied you're also going
to feel with your choice. And I find that with
(18:51):
online dating social media, we have access to all these
people that we didn't necessarily before on There's one dating
app in particular that I was on where I'm not
just seeing people in Dallas, i was seeing people from
across the world. And while that's a very fun and
(19:12):
cool opportunity to connect with people around the world, at
the same.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
Time, it kind of.
Speaker 4 (19:21):
It kind of creates this idea that like, someone better
could be out there, and I feel like, as a result,
with online dating, will meet someone. That person can be
amazing and great and hit ninety percent of our boxes,
But could there be someone out there? Could we find
(19:44):
someone who is one hundred percent? And I think, yeah,
it's that idea of not feeling as satisfied with our
choices because we.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
Have too many.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Wow, and what about superficial connections? I imagine that happens
as well one hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (20:06):
I mean, so many of the apps, you barely really
know anything about the person. It's you have their height,
their maybe where they went to school, maybe a highlight
of what their current job is, where they live, maybe
three prompts that kind of show someone's personality. But at
the end of the day, you're really making a superficial
(20:28):
judgment off of these criteria, off of three prompts and
five pictures and trying to decide could this be a connection?
Speaker 2 (20:38):
Right?
Speaker 4 (20:38):
I know. I mean a lot of my couple friends
have met through hinge and it's working out great for them,
So it's not to say that it doesn't work, but
I think it has caused more issues and more dissatisfaction
in dating than perhaps before.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Right. I know, both my nephews met their spouses on
online dating apps, so I have personal testimony that it
can work. But like you said, it's like, is there
someone better one swipe away? I don't know, and what
does that? And we're in this comparison society, right this,
(21:17):
and comparison is the thief of joy.
Speaker 3 (21:19):
So there's this constant comparison, I.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Would imagine, and what does that.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
Do to our mental health as well?
Speaker 2 (21:28):
Right?
Speaker 4 (21:28):
Well, I mean if you look too at the rise
of influencers social media, TikTok, Instagram, I am seeing these
just absolute gorgeous people. But then you realize, like so
many of them, a lot of influencers have now come
forward and said, you know, I have filters on. I
(21:51):
think part of the reason why Alex Earle, who's a
famous influencer, became so viral, is because she was very
authentic in showing her skin and like, here's when I
have a filter on, here's where I don't. But I
think a lot of times that's not the case. And
so we see kind of these unrealistic beauty standards, whether
(22:12):
it's for men or for women. And then because we
see that, we compare ourselves to that, we compare our
partners to that. We hold people to this unrealistic standard
of beauty that again without cosmetic surgery or filters, is
just not attainable, right.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
So unrealistic expectations the two.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
It's like this wargus board on a menu to order from.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
And then when you do meet them in person, is
there letdown because there have been filters perhaps, or there
have been this or that, because there's the pressure to
look so good or to meet an expectation in profile
and then tell me about that. Have you ever been
(23:04):
disappointed when you met someone in person.
Speaker 4 (23:06):
It's definitely happened where maybe the profile didn't match up
exactly with who I was meeting, And I know that
that's I'm not alone in that from what I've heard
from other people. To me, it's only happened a couple
of times, but it is a letdown, And especially too,
I think what's really even more of a letdown is
(23:28):
not when the pictures maybe don't line up, but when
somebody passes for one way through their prompts and then
you meet them in person and the personality isn't quite
matching up. I think that ends up being a little
bit of a.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
Letdown as well. Okay, I understand that.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Of course, for my generation when we were your age, dating,
we had to be at home to receive the phone
call that we were told we would receive at eight pm.
Eventually we had answering machines so that we did and
have to be home, and then we would save the
message and rewind and replay, rewinding.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
And replace so we could hear them. We had to.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
Meet in person to be introduced at all and to
know if there is connection, and so those were in
handwritten notes and love letters. Right, there's the texting, and
certainly it was more longhand none of this short shorthand
things so very different in those ways. Ghosting, breadcrumbing, some
(24:32):
of these kind of terms, I guess still happened to
us in a little bit different format, but I'm sure
it's more prevalent now. So talk to me a little
bit about that. How does that impact people? Because I
hear those terms a lot from my clients.
Speaker 4 (24:50):
I think ghosting is honestly one of the most violent
things you could do to someone in terms of social media,
and not physically, but because we all know that stonewalling
is one of the four horsemen of divorce and stonewalling
(25:14):
is when you kind of completely retreat. You're not engaging
in conflict, right, you would know better than I do.
But ghosting is kind of the same where you might
be having a great friendship relationship with somebody, or maybe
you've just been on one date, but you've been in
a good amount of contact, and then all of a sudden, nothing, nothing,
(25:38):
and you get no answers, you get no explanation, and
so again you're really left there wondering what.
Speaker 3 (25:47):
Did I do wrong?
Speaker 4 (25:49):
Why what happened? And I think you know, if you
hadn't if you haven't even met the person yet, you
haven't really talked much, and the relationship naturally fizzles out,
that's different. But I think if you really have an
established connection with someone and you just end it, that's
(26:11):
so harsh. That's so hurtful to the person on the
receiving end because you just leave them with nothing, no answers,
and that can really drive someone kind of crazy, for
lack of a better word.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Right, looking for those answers. So do you think it's
a lack of respect or it's just because of the
ease of being behind a screen?
Speaker 4 (26:38):
I think a big part of it is lack of accountability,
and it's hard. I will say I went on a
date a few weeks ago, and he was a great guy.
He did everything right. The connection just wasn't there, and
I know that on his end he did feel it,
and he kept wanting to try and see each other again,
(27:01):
and so I had to send him a message letting
him know that I wasn't interested. And honestly, it was
a really hard message to send because I didn't want
to hurt him. Right, he didn't do anything wrong. I
knew that it would. It's harder to send that message
than to just slowly stop responding. Okay, but it takes accountability.
(27:23):
Like you said, it's respect. Him and I had talked
about being honest with one another, and so I just
wanted him to know where I was at. And I
think in the end he really respected it rather than
be left wondering.
Speaker 3 (27:37):
And I think that's the key.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
And so even people in my generation who are back
in the dating world are experiencing this, and they're struggling
with it because it gets down to rubbing against one
of their values, perhaps, which is often respect. Again, going
back to what Charlotte learned earlier that she shared with
this that whatever's somebody says or does is about them
(28:02):
and not about you. So don't spend your energy trying
to figre out what's wrong with me. It's not there's
nothing wrong with you. It's their action is about them.
So to allow it to be that that comes from
that's the let them theory that's so popular right now
from Meil Brooks. But let them be who they are.
But recognize it could be an avoidance of conflict, right
(28:25):
it could be an act of disrespect, they struggle with accountability.
There could be so many different reasons for it. But
recognize it is coming from their insecurity, their fear, their
their value system or lack thereof, not from yours. So
(28:49):
with that other things, I'd never heard the term benching.
Do you know what that is?
Speaker 3 (28:55):
Benching?
Speaker 4 (28:56):
I don't think I do.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
I think it means I can putting you on the sidelines,
maybe coming back and forth. That's where my head would go,
I'm going to put you on the sideline. I'll come
back every now and then see if you're waiting for me.
Speaker 4 (29:07):
We do have a lot of that. I didn't know
that that was the term, but that happens a lot
where we call kind of having a roster, oh okay,
where someone will have maybe five or so people that
they're actively getting to know and that's what they call
(29:28):
their roster. And so again it's this idea of you're
almost competing against these other people to be the main player,
to be the star of the show. And again it's
the comparison is the thief of joy. But when we're
actively put in situations where we are kind of being
(29:51):
compared to one another, and you're one of five girls
that he's talking to, where you're one of five boys
that she's talking to, how can you not compare?
Speaker 3 (30:00):
Right?
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Yeah, it makes perfect sense. So how do you ever
truly get emotionally invested with someone when you're in this
kind of dating gain.
Speaker 4 (30:12):
It's been hard, especially with my fear of rejection and
all that. I very much build up walls, and I've
been told by guys that I'm dating sometimes I can
come across as cold or aloof which is actually not
my personality at all. But I'm so scared of getting
(30:33):
hurt that I want to see someone's intentions first. What
happens though, is and what's happened in my past relationships
which we've talked about, is I was emotionally manipulated because
they kind of knew what to show me and what
to do to get those walls down, and then as
soon as I did, it was almost like I was hooked,
(30:57):
kind of like love bombing. Yes, once I was hooked,
that's when they stopped pretending to be who they were,
but I was still holding on to that initial idea.
And so that's where it gets really hard of Like, yes,
having walls up to protect yourself can be a good thing,
(31:18):
but it can also a portray maybe coldness aloofness which
is not what you want to portray as, which has
turned certain people away from me. Or it can in
turn cause someone to know what to do and say
exactly to kind of get those walls down, and maybe not.
Speaker 3 (31:39):
In a good way exactly.
Speaker 2 (31:41):
So I like to teach senses instead of walls, where
there's a gate that remains locked, that has a welcome
sign that you have to go and invite them in.
So again this leaning in rather than falling in and
allow people to bulldoze in. There's a whole combination here
(32:02):
of things that go with that. It is time for
our second break but don't go far. I'll be back
with Charlotte and more SOLCPR.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
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Speaker 2 (34:15):
Thank you again for tuning in today. And I'm here
with my friend Charlotte, and we are talking about dating
in the modern world often has the same old fashioned problems,
meaning we got to heal ourselves first if we truly
want a healthy, rewarding, fulfilling relationship. Charlotte's telling and sharing
some and helping us understand some of the specific issues
(34:37):
to the modern dating world. And you know some of
this I'm just still really curious about because what I find, though, Charlotte,
is that a lot of people still want the exact
same result. Though they want the committed partner, they want
the courtship that leads to the long term commitment and
(34:59):
that lead to marriage. So there's still that old fashioned
outcome that people are looking for. Do you find that
to be true?
Speaker 4 (35:06):
One hundred percent? I mean, at the end of the day,
I want my person, that's all I want. Yeah, I'm
ready to meet him. And like you said, that courtship.
I mean, maybe that looks different than what it looked
like five hundred years ago, but I think as women,
even us more progressive independent women, still want someone who's
(35:27):
going to court us and we want that romance that
we see in the movies, in the books.
Speaker 3 (35:33):
Yeah, yeah, I love it.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
Well, thank you for confirming that, because that's really what
I hear in my practice from both my male and
female clients is regardless of the process of getting there,
the same desired outcome exists. Now when it comes to
mental health. Also, I think all of that that you've
(35:57):
been describing that you all go through in your process,
there's a lot more anxiety in your process than there
was in mind. Mental health was certainly stigmatized in my day,
and I think it's much less now, and thank goodness
is there's so much more anxiety with yours and I
think there's a lot of openness and talking about it.
(36:20):
And certainly a red flag in my day was just
something at the beach to tell you not to go
in the water due to the undertow or some other threat.
And now you guys openly understand and talk about red
flags and what to look for. So there are some
some things that are more readily available. And speaking of that,
(36:41):
you have started Psychology Unfiltered on Instagram, So tell us
about that, what kind of content you provide and why
you started it.
Speaker 4 (36:50):
Yeah, so my psychology page, Psychology Unfiltered is really about
posting psychology based insights to life to improve well being.
You know, there's a lot of self help accounts out
there and accounts that post really great motivational quotes. Don't
(37:11):
get me wrong, but I really wanted to get down
to the root of the science and the research behind it,
and I wanted to make it accessible, digestible and as
a benefit. I mean, I want to help people with it.
But honestly, creating this account has brought me so much
joy and healing in my own life.
Speaker 3 (37:32):
Great.
Speaker 2 (37:33):
I originally, when I first saw it, I thought, I
wonder if this was a school project, and I thought,
what a really cool assignment to get somebody out there.
But then I found out it was not. This was
just your idea and that you're doing it.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
Did it take a lot for you to do this?
Speaker 2 (37:54):
I mean, is it scary to get out there in
the social media world and do something like this or
is it just like, yeah, this is the second nature.
Speaker 4 (38:03):
For me? It was terrifying. Never in my life did
I think I wanted to be a content creator like
I talked about those influencers. I mean, I didn't think
that was ever going to be me, that would ever
be my path. I initially was planning on not really
ever showing my face and mostly just posting infographics and
(38:29):
things like that. But after talking to people and realizing
what people really need is they need a face, they
need trust, and so I started filming these little reels
every now and then. And it was so hard at
first because not only do as most people have, my
(38:51):
own insecurities, but I was putting so much weight into well,
what are people from high school going to think? What
are the people from college going to think? And you know,
everyone's always going to have something to say. You're never
going to please everybody, and kind of the let them
(39:12):
theory by mel Ramins. If they want to talk bad
about me, let them. I really had to get over that.
And also I actually have a whole post about this
on my page of how to get over people's opinions
of you. And one you have to understand, like we
talked about, if someone's talking negatively about other people, again,
that says more about them than the people they're talking
(39:33):
negatively about. There's more research on that on my page.
But then also the spotlight effect. We think that people
are talking and caring about us way more than they
actually are because we all think that there's this huge
spotlight above us, right. You know, in high school, you
get a pimple and you think everybody's going to notice this,
(39:56):
But if everybody has the exact same thing, then no
one's actually looking at you. Everyone's too busy really looking
at themselves.
Speaker 2 (40:03):
Absolutely, it is so true, and that's what you're describing
has been that fear of judgment. Another very common fear
that most of us carry through life until we learn
to let them and let that go and free ourselves
and give ourselves that peace and allow it get out
of our own way. So I love that you've done that,
(40:25):
that you've created this platform and this page, and that
you were using this to actually help people. There's a
lot of therapy speak out there these days, right, Narcissism,
the gas lighting, attachment, all these things on social media.
What I love about your page is that you are
(40:46):
doing it with the science. You're sharing it in a very,
like you say, palatable kind of digestible way. It's not
overly academics very you know, yeah, palpable, that's the right word, digestible,
so we can all understand it.
Speaker 3 (41:06):
And yet it's not opinion.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Right right, So that's what I really really love about it.
So again, your generation has more awareness, but there's also
more anxiety in your generation about dating. Do you think
some of that might come from over analyzing? Because of
when I see all this therapy speak in some of
(41:30):
these other accounts, and they're they're labeling everything and everyone,
do you think they're over analyzing rather than just experiencing relationships.
Speaker 4 (41:42):
I think that's true. It's hard because, on one hand,
the more we're talking about it, the more people are
educating themselves about narcism or gaslighting, for example. It's great
to get the awareness out there, especially gaslighting is emotional abuse, right,
and so for someone who might be really experiencing gaslighting,
(42:04):
learning what it is and how to get out of it,
what science might be, how to recognize it, all those things.
That's so it's so beneficial, it's probably helping so many people.
But at the same time, now it's become this overused
word where in someone's experience, you know, you might say, Charlotte,
(42:25):
you said this to me, and in my head, I
might genuinely not think that I said that, right, And
then so I tell you I don't think that that's true.
And now immediately you could be like, Charlotte, you're gaslighting,
and it's become this overused word that now it's almost
kind of doing more harm than good. Even with narcissism.
(42:46):
I've been seeing so many videos talking about this is narcissm,
this is narcissm, and most of it isn't science based.
And we have to be really careful when we use
words like gaslighting, narcissm, abuse because They are really strong words,
and they have a really big impact to the people
who are actually experiencing them.
Speaker 2 (43:08):
Absolutely, there's a lot of what we call misinformation, which
is unintended spreading of these types of words, or any
information that is untrue or the incorrect definition or what
have you. That's misinformation. Disinformation is when it's untrue and
(43:32):
on purposely spread. So do pay attention to the sources
that you read where you get your information, and notice
what types of things they're citing, and whether it is
science based or not. When you're listening and viewing, whether
that's the news media or anywhere else misinformation versus disinformation,
(43:53):
And when you share things, be selective when you share
things as well. Other thing that I wanted to ask
you about is coming back around to self and recognizing
that this is the most important relationship in our lives.
It's something that some people find until they get a
(44:16):
new mindset around it, they feel it selfish to focus
on self, but to self care, to self love, those
words they're like, oh, that's so foreign for them, But
to actually learn how to do that became such such
a guiding light for navigating the dating world. Right, So
(44:37):
how difficult was it for you or is it for
you still to focus on some kind of practice of
self love.
Speaker 4 (44:47):
I'll always remember sitting in my dorm room when I
was eighteen and sharing a story with my mom, and
my mom on the phone having to tell me, you know, Charlotte,
your heart is amazing. You are such a giving person,
but you really need to you really need to learn
to be more selfish because.
Speaker 3 (45:06):
I was giving so much of myself to people.
Speaker 4 (45:09):
Again, because of those traumas and those hurts, I was
giving so much of myself. This year, I've really learned
how to practice self care, practice self love. It's been
a really big healing journey in that needing a relationship
(45:29):
versus wanting one. The biggest step is loving yourself first.
If you love yourself, you don't need a relationship because
you love yourself first. But yeah, it was hard. It's
been a journey since. Like I said about that eighteen
that conversation with my mom, I post a lot about
(45:50):
that on my page as well. I kind of the
tagline self love starts here. Like you said, a lot
of people think that self care is selfish, but really
you're actually going to improve your relationships with other people
if you're loving yourself better, taking care of yourself better,
adequately setting boundaries with others because you're going to reduce burnout,
(46:13):
you're going to reduce how much of yourself you're giving,
and it really actually is going to improve your relationships.
Speaker 2 (46:20):
Absolutely absolutely I love that. So how do you think
people can become less focused on outcomes with other people
and more focused on learning about themselves and their true
desires and needs and those underserving patterns in their lives
(46:40):
like you recognize in yours to improve those relationships.
Speaker 4 (46:45):
Well, one I do highly recommend therapy and or coaching.
Therapy and coaching are pretty different. Therapy is going to
be a lot more looking at past patterns, past traumas,
under standing your past and how it's brought you to
where you are, while there will be a little bit
about that. In coaching, it's going to be a lot
(47:07):
more of moving forward. As Anne said, I have both.
I think that having both in my life has been
extremely helpful. Now I know that that's not always the
most accessible for everybody, So a lot of it can
be like finding these accounts that are trying to post
(47:27):
real science based ways to improve self love, self care. Journaling,
I know, journaling is not something that a lot of
people love to do, but even just kind of taking
the time to just write how you're feeling, I think
just taking it little steps at a time, small consistent
(47:52):
changes will have way more impact than big, every now
and then efforts.
Speaker 3 (47:58):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
There is science behind journaling in helping to make those
changes over time, because there's something about getting it out
of our heads and onto paper that is a release
and a relief, and we start seeing things differently, and
we start taking control of the narrative that has possibly
(48:24):
been controlling how we show up right. So know that
those are great things. I know that you and I
both also believe in practicing gratitude as a way to
embrace what's good in our lives, and it makes those
things that are not so good have less impact. That's
(48:48):
the whole premise of positive psychology. It's not to deny
that the negative or the dark side of life exists,
but rather to choose to focus on what's good in
light in life.
Speaker 4 (49:00):
Brings up a really interesting conversation about toxic positivity versus optimism.
Speaker 3 (49:05):
There you go, Yes, sure.
Speaker 4 (49:07):
Toxic positivity is kind of this idea where everything's good
and nothing bad ever happens. And you read you hear
those people where you're trying to tell them like, you know,
this is going on in my life. I'm feeling stressed
about it, upset. Oh it's you know, just be positive,
everything's going.
Speaker 3 (49:26):
To work out.
Speaker 4 (49:26):
Yeah, as you said, that's not realistic. Life is hard.
There is a dark side to life, whereas if optimism
is more the idea that you know, good can happen,
things can change and in the hard times.
Speaker 2 (49:46):
Yeah, it's it just helps to find that positive. I
often use the image of a long stem rose. The
thorns exist, but so does the blossom. They're both there.
You get to choose which you're going to focus your
gaze on. And you know, I'm going to focus on
(50:07):
the blue. It's time now for our third and final break,
But don't go far. I'll be back with Charlotte and
more seal cypr.
Speaker 5 (50:16):
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Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
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(50:36):
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Speaker 3 (50:52):
And more.
Speaker 5 (50:53):
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Speaker 2 (51:21):
And we're back. I just wanted to ask Charlotte a question.
Is something I think I've heard it on television and
I really don't know what it is, so I'm hoping
she does. Charlotte, do you know what is a situationship?
I do.
Speaker 4 (51:35):
A situationship is usually a sexual relationship in which there
is no clear commitment or LABELSKY. A lot of times, however,
one of the people in the relationship does want a
commitment or a clear label and the other person does not.
Speaker 2 (51:56):
Okay, there you heard it. Here is situationship is I
had no idea. Is that even an option on some
of the platforms where you put I'm in a relationship
or a situationship?
Speaker 3 (52:09):
Is it an option?
Speaker 4 (52:10):
I don't know that looking for a situationship is an option,
but there are a lot of clues sometimes where you
can understand that that's what someone's looking for.
Speaker 2 (52:21):
Oh my goodness, Okay, all right, Well, I also want
to know what your career plans are once you graduate
from your master's program. Do you know how exactly you
want to go into the field of psychology? So I
definitely want to be a mental health counselor. Okay, I,
like I said, initially, was drawn towards working with children.
(52:42):
I wanted to help kids kind of maybe who didn't
have that sense of belonging as I did. But as
I've grown and as I'm going through this program, I'm
really actually noticing that twenty to twenty four year olds
are probably one of the most turbulent times of their life.
(53:02):
They had to create a new age group for it.
Speaker 3 (53:05):
Oh really, I didn't know that, Yeah.
Speaker 4 (53:07):
It's called emerging adults, whereas of before it was just
kind of all encapsulated into young adulthood. But it's really
that transition from being kind of a teenager to now adulthood,
and it's such a difficult time in our lives, and
I'm really drawn to helping young adults, young emerging adults
kind of navigate that time in their lives.
Speaker 2 (53:29):
I absolutely love that, especially since I have two sons
in that age range, and I can imagine so well,
thank you. I know that you'll be amazing at that.
And yeah, so if you had a key takeaway for
our audience today from our conversations in general, what would
you want to leave them with from today?
Speaker 4 (53:52):
I would really want to leave them with You have
to first heal your past to be able to move
forward and healthy relationships, otherwise you're going to repeat a
cycle of unhealthy behaviors in your friendships, your romantic relationships.
But also if someone's acting a certain way towards you
(54:15):
don't internalize that, it says more about them than it
does you.
Speaker 2 (54:19):
Well said, and that really is the C, the P,
and the R in sol CPR connect the dots, so
you get the picture. Of the past so that you
can peep in point the pain that's keeping you stuck
in the present, patterns that keep repeating themselves, and then
a recovery your truth to ReVibe your life. And for
(54:41):
those who want to follow you and connect with you,
where would you like to direct them?
Speaker 4 (54:46):
Please follow me at Psychology Underscore Unfiltered. You can find
my personal instagram there as well. Would love to answer
any questions you might have. Always open to having conversations
and there's anything you want to see posted, Happy to
feel that as well.
Speaker 2 (55:05):
Awesome, Dan, I know that will be in the show notes.
Do you have that to be able to put on screen?
If you do, please do. If not, it will be
in the show notes. And Charlotte, I thank you for
joining me today on this episode of SOULCYPR.
Speaker 4 (55:18):
Thank you for having me of course.
Speaker 2 (55:19):
And thank you for sharing your personal story and your
perspective on modern dating. And I know everyone listening joins
me in wishing you all the best in your future endeavors.
As we conclude this episode of SOULCPR Healing out Loud,
remember that healing is not a linear journey. It is
a process of profound transformation and if Today's episode resonated
(55:43):
with you. Please share this podcast with those who may
need a lifeline of their own. Subscribe, rate and leave
a review to help us reach more hearts. Connect with
me through my website it's skybewcoaching dot com, or on
social media at Facebook it's skyview Coach, and on all
the other platforms it's at and Papa Yote. There's my
(56:04):
QR code on screen. You can scan that if you're viewing,
or you can go to scopycaching dot com if you're
listening and let me know your thoughts and your stories.
Speaker 3 (56:16):
Just like Charlotte's asking, you can do the.
Speaker 2 (56:18):
Same for her. Please and we'll explore new topics in
the future, and I'll have Charlotte back as a guest
in the future.
Speaker 3 (56:24):
I have no doubt.
Speaker 2 (56:26):
And until next time, we both hope that you will
find strength in your vulnerability, encourage in your journey. We
thank you for listening. Breathe deeply, love openly, and live soulfully.
Speaker 3 (56:40):
Good day.
Speaker 1 (56:43):
This has been soul CPR with host and Papa Yote.
Breathe life back into your spirit with each episode where
she and special guests explore the relationships that hurt us
and discover that healing can only begin with you. To
Tuesdays at three pm Eastern on the Bold Brave TV
network
Are you ready to untangle from your past, recover from heartbreak,
and revive your life. This is Soul CPR with your
host and Papa Yode. We've all had soul crushing experiences
and lost ourselves in our pain, but there is a
way out. On this podcast, Amazon best selling author, award
winning life coach and advice columnist and Papa Yode helps
(00:27):
us navigate the path from heartbreak to healing. So now
please welcome the host of Soul CPR and Papa Yode.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Hello everyone, and thank you for tuning in today. You know,
love is a universal theme, isn't it, and so therefore
heartbreak is as well. And love can make us happy,
it can make us sad, it can make us feel.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Lost, and it can make us feel found.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
The finding love can be a pursuit that makes us
frustrated and feeling insane sometimes, or it can also become
a path to great self discovery. So joining me today
to share her personal story and to talk about the
struggles of dating in the modern world is my friend
Charlotte's your Art. She's a mental health graduate student and
(01:19):
the creator of Psychology Unfiltered, a motivational Instagram platform, and
she's passionate about making psychology based insights accessible and practical
and helping people better understand themselves and improve their well being.
And she loves diving into conversations about personal growth, mental health,
(01:41):
and the science behind human behavior. She's my kind of person. Charlotte,
Welcome to the show. Thank you excited to be here,
Thank you, Thanks for joining me. So, Charlotte, I always
like to share with my audience. You know how I
know my guests and find them to be with me
on the show. So I first met your beautiful mom
in my Zoomba classes when I first moved to the
(02:03):
Dallas area from Montreal, and I soon found out that
she was from France originally, and therefore I talked her
into being my son, Christopher's bridge tutor to help him
finish out his high school years. And as she and
I became friends, as moms do, we shared about our
children's lives, about their accomplishments, and also about our concerns
(02:26):
for them. And so I eventually had the pleasure of
meeting you at a luncheon with her, and I'm going
to let you take it from there.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
Well, the circumstances behind that luncheon were not ideal. I
was recently going through a pretty tough breakup that had
happened just a couple of days before, and in mom's
efforts to try and cheer me up, she was like,
you should come to lunch with some of my girlfriends.
They are going to cheer you right up. And Anne
happened to be there. Didn't even know that you were
(02:57):
a relationship coach, and so it was one of those
just serendipitous moments.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
It was it was, and I was happy to be there,
and we had a very in depth conversation. We really
connected right away, not only about your situation. You were
open and honest, and I don't all forgot to get
some less asked, but I think that you had some
insights there. And then we also talked about your career
(03:24):
a little bit because you.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Were so insightful.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I was curious what you wanted to do with your life,
and you had a very stable, great job, still do.
But the more we talked, I learned that actually you
were interested in doing something more in alignment with what
I do.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
So tell me about that.
Speaker 4 (03:45):
So studied psychology and undergrad it really has always been
my passion, even since high school. Really love understanding human behavior,
and in college I thought I wanted to go to
grad school be a clinical psychologist, maybe work with children.
Very quickly that didn't seem to be the right path
(04:07):
for me, you know, COVID hit. Everything started shifting and
ended up taking an organizational leadership class right kind of
fell in love with it, fell in love with business
psych and how you can use psychology to improve leadership
and teams. But my love for helping people and wanting
(04:27):
to be a clinical psychologist or a counselor was always
still somewhere in the back of my mind.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
And hearing your story.
Speaker 4 (04:36):
And how you became a coach, it was like when
you were talking, I almost felt like something ignite inside
of me where I was like, wait, I can go
back to this, because it almost felt like, well, I've
made my choice, now I.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Have to stick with it.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
But yeah, and interesting that you say it that way,
because I find people do that with relationships as well.
I've made my choice, now I have to stick with it,
and we stay too long. So now you are a
graduate student studying.
Speaker 4 (05:10):
Mental health counseling.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Mental health counseling, I love it. So while you're still
doing working in the business world. You're studying to go
and follow that original path that you always thought you would,
but in the meantime, relationships still an issue.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
So tell me.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
I know that you were seeing a therapist when I
met you. You still are. You also became a coaching client
of mine. Tell us a little bit about your struggles
in relationships and not just with romantic relationships.
Speaker 3 (05:41):
Right, So, as you.
Speaker 4 (05:45):
Previously mentioned, my family's French we moved here to the US,
and so I was raised in a French household, French
customs which always been already kind of set me apart
from my peers growing up and ad on top of
the fact that we moved every three to four years,
so I was constantly having to reinvent myself and try
(06:08):
and adapt to the new state we were living in,
especially when you're making drastic moves from the northeast to
the south. And I found that throughout my childhood I
was often not included. I just felt very left out.
It's been a recurring theme, and whether it was relationships
(06:33):
or even just my surroundings, I just always felt like
I had this sense of belonging that was missing.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
So you experienced that with like you said, friendships with relationships.
So how did this show up as a fear? If
you named it as a fear, labeled it, what would
you call it.
Speaker 4 (06:53):
I really had a fear of rejection from others and
also a fear of being alone, so badly wanted connection
because it was something that was always taken away from me.
I feel like I would get a really good friend
and then either that friendship would end or I would move.
And it was just constant, like almost the feeling of
(07:15):
like something being taken away from me. So it really
ignited this fear of rejection and fear of being alone.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Sure, so how did that show up as a behavior
for you, like a pattern in relationships?
Speaker 4 (07:33):
I think because it kind of had this feeling of
like something being taken away from me. I almost like
tried to latch on before it could get taken away
from me. And so but the problem with that is
that I was latching on to the wrong people. And
as soon as I thought someone could be maybe that
(07:53):
best friend or that relationship, that boyfriend, even if they
weren't the right person for me, but I thought that
they could fill that need inside of me, I would
try and latch on before they could reject me or
leave or somehow get taken away from me again.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Okay, so holding on whether it was a job or
a person might have become like that theme.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
What about.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Any I know, once we started working together as coach
and client, you had a couple of specific aha moments
or insights you want to share some of those.
Speaker 4 (08:37):
I was talking to this guy in around the holidays,
and I really liked him. I think out of anybody
I've ever kind of dated, this is probably the one
that I really saw the most potential with and was
the most excited about. Unfortunately, it ended he was just
(08:57):
not in a place where he was ready for a relationship,
and when we had that conversation, I took it really hard.
At first, I was like, again, you know, why am
I not good enough? And kind of that phrase if
he wanted to, he would, But I kind of had
first the aha that if it wasn't working out, there
(09:19):
was a reason and something better is waiting for me.
But then I also started doing my own reflecting and
realizing that it felt like I needed that relationship more
than just wanted it, and so coming at it from
a place of need is not a healthy place, and
(09:39):
so I realized that while he might not be ready
for a relationship, I also might not be ready either,
and I need to learn to be okay with being
alone and getting over my fear of rejection before I
can really be in a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
I hope every body listening is taking no on that
that healing yourself and finding out what it is that
creates that need to be in a relationship is key
to finding healthy, fulfilling, rewarding, mutually respectful relationships that can
(10:19):
stand the test of time. So that was a big,
big moment for you, Charlotte, and that's when we put
in the show notes this it's not you, it's me.
That's the beautiful side of that. I know a lot
of people use that phrase as an excuse, but those
who use it as their truth and take the time
(10:39):
to heal and learn how to self love to show
up as the best version of themselves before entering a relationship,
they're the ones that really make it work and make
it work well. So anything else that you want to
share that you've learned on your journey, I think for
(11:01):
many of us, we stay on a journey of being
a work in progress. And I know that in my
second marriage. I wasn't fully there yet, but we had
that mutual respect that we continued to learn and grow
together and we're able to communicate through that. But anything
else that you've learned, What about with your friendships? What
have you learned?
Speaker 4 (11:24):
I think something that came from my fear of rejection
in my childhood was this idea that whenever I was
getting rejected, it was immediately what's wrong with me? Why
am I not good enough? I mean, I've had friendships,
relationships with people that I wasn't very fond of that ended,
(11:45):
and even when it was them ending it with me,
it was immediately putting my own character into question. And
I immediately started questioning everything I've ever known about myself
simply because they didn't want to continue, right the friendship,
the relationship, whatever it may be, even if I maybe
(12:06):
wasn't that into it either. And so one of the
biggest healing moments came from one of our sessions where
we were analyzing a recent friendship that had ended and
I was really internalizing it, trying to understand, and you
really told me that their actions were more a reflection.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
Of them than of me.
Speaker 4 (12:29):
And while nobody's perfect and we can always, like you said,
beyond this journey of growth. There was nothing wrong with me.
It just wasn't the right friendship.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
And when we come from that place of neediness, we're
going to attract other people who are also coming from
places of insecurities and neediness as well. So negative energy
actually attracts more negative energy, and so we really want
to to find that awareness so that we can come
(13:05):
back to that place of self reflection and therefore self growth.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
And that's what I've really seen in you and I.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
It's very admirable and it's something to model for all
of us, no matter our age, no matter our generation.
And it's again when we talk about modern love versus
old fashioned, we're going to get to the idio secrecies
of modern love. But don't you hear that the issues
(13:32):
are the same.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
It's old fashioned.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
It's the same whether you were I was dating at
Charlotte's age, and we had the same insecurities, the same fears.
We fell into relationships and latched on rather than leaning
in perhaps if we weren't already healthy and whole alone
and just wanting a relationship rather than needing one.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
I wholly.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Recommend and a proponent of wanting a relationship right, we
were meant for connection, wanting a relationship. But there's a
balance between wanting and letting go of outcomes right and
allowing just allowing things to happen while also doing so.
(14:22):
Here's a big balancing act right doing, which means making
being open for relationships to happen without trying to force
them by just latching on and falling in. As Charlotte
was describing so old fashioned problems, they're the same old
thing they're about us. I read a book years ago
(14:44):
that said, it's not him, it's me, So obviously addressing
women and trying to get us to look at ourselves
and truly heal ourselves before we put ourselves out there
to find our partner in life. It is time for
our first break. When we come back, we're going to
have more with Charlotte, and we really want to talk
(15:04):
about some of those modern dating scenarios that she con
best to tell us about. So don't go far. We'll
be back with more.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
SOLCPR Mike Zorich, a three time California state champion in
Greco Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike
blind sits birth. Was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was
a six time national placer, including two seconds, two thirds,
and two fourths. He also won the Veterans Folk Style
(15:36):
Wrestling twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In
all these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy
Zorich a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to
the stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states.
Her father, a commercial artist who shared his instruments with
his daughter and helped her fine tune her natural abilities
(15:59):
influence wins her decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss
Zurich has enjoyed a fruitful career doing what she loves.
Listen Saturday mornings at twelve Eastern with the Nancy and
Mike Show for heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the
BBM Global Network.
Speaker 5 (16:18):
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(16:38):
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(17:01):
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Speaker 2 (17:20):
Hello and welcome back to Soul's CPR and Papayote. I'm
here with my guests Charlotte Gerard, and we are talking
about modern dating and old fashioned problems when they come
into play. So when we talk about modern love, Charlotte,
there are mindsets and norms that have certainly shifted since
(17:40):
Gen xers were young and dating, for sure, and it
might be actually the only norms that you know and
your generation actually have experience. And I imagine some of
them are easier in some ways and more difficult in others.
And the first thing that comes to mind for me
is technolog and communication. So kick us off, let's talk
(18:04):
about it.
Speaker 4 (18:06):
So social media communications are phones. It's amazing we can
talk to people across the world, and it can make
long distance relationships a lot easier. It can make just
relationships in general a lot easier just having ability to
communicate more constantly. But it also comes with so many
(18:28):
more problems. And we all know in psychology the paradox
of choice and if you have too many choices that
you can get overwhelmed stressed. But what a lot of
people don't know is that the paradox of choice, the
more choices you have, the less satisfied you're also going
to feel with your choice. And I find that with
(18:51):
online dating social media, we have access to all these
people that we didn't necessarily before on There's one dating
app in particular that I was on where I'm not
just seeing people in Dallas, i was seeing people from
across the world. And while that's a very fun and
(19:12):
cool opportunity to connect with people around the world, at
the same.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
Time, it kind of.
Speaker 4 (19:21):
It kind of creates this idea that like, someone better
could be out there, and I feel like, as a result,
with online dating, will meet someone. That person can be
amazing and great and hit ninety percent of our boxes,
But could there be someone out there? Could we find
(19:44):
someone who is one hundred percent? And I think, yeah,
it's that idea of not feeling as satisfied with our
choices because we.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
Have too many.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Wow, and what about superficial connections? I imagine that happens
as well one hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (20:06):
I mean, so many of the apps, you barely really
know anything about the person. It's you have their height,
their maybe where they went to school, maybe a highlight
of what their current job is, where they live, maybe
three prompts that kind of show someone's personality. But at
the end of the day, you're really making a superficial
(20:28):
judgment off of these criteria, off of three prompts and
five pictures and trying to decide could this be a connection?
Speaker 2 (20:38):
Right?
Speaker 4 (20:38):
I know. I mean a lot of my couple friends
have met through hinge and it's working out great for them,
So it's not to say that it doesn't work, but
I think it has caused more issues and more dissatisfaction
in dating than perhaps before.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Right. I know, both my nephews met their spouses on
online dating apps, so I have personal testimony that it
can work. But like you said, it's like, is there
someone better one swipe away? I don't know, and what
does that? And we're in this comparison society, right this,
(21:17):
and comparison is the thief of joy.
Speaker 3 (21:19):
So there's this constant comparison, I.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Would imagine, and what does that.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
Do to our mental health as well?
Speaker 2 (21:28):
Right?
Speaker 4 (21:28):
Well, I mean if you look too at the rise
of influencers social media, TikTok, Instagram, I am seeing these
just absolute gorgeous people. But then you realize, like so
many of them, a lot of influencers have now come
forward and said, you know, I have filters on. I
(21:51):
think part of the reason why Alex Earle, who's a
famous influencer, became so viral, is because she was very
authentic in showing her skin and like, here's when I
have a filter on, here's where I don't. But I
think a lot of times that's not the case. And
so we see kind of these unrealistic beauty standards, whether
(22:12):
it's for men or for women. And then because we
see that, we compare ourselves to that, we compare our
partners to that. We hold people to this unrealistic standard
of beauty that again without cosmetic surgery or filters, is
just not attainable, right.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
So unrealistic expectations the two.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
It's like this wargus board on a menu to order from.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
And then when you do meet them in person, is
there letdown because there have been filters perhaps, or there
have been this or that, because there's the pressure to
look so good or to meet an expectation in profile
and then tell me about that. Have you ever been
(23:04):
disappointed when you met someone in person.
Speaker 4 (23:06):
It's definitely happened where maybe the profile didn't match up
exactly with who I was meeting, And I know that
that's I'm not alone in that from what I've heard
from other people. To me, it's only happened a couple
of times, but it is a letdown, And especially too,
I think what's really even more of a letdown is
(23:28):
not when the pictures maybe don't line up, but when
somebody passes for one way through their prompts and then
you meet them in person and the personality isn't quite
matching up. I think that ends up being a little
bit of a.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
Letdown as well. Okay, I understand that.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Of course, for my generation when we were your age, dating,
we had to be at home to receive the phone
call that we were told we would receive at eight pm.
Eventually we had answering machines so that we did and
have to be home, and then we would save the
message and rewind and replay, rewinding.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
And replace so we could hear them. We had to.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
Meet in person to be introduced at all and to
know if there is connection, and so those were in
handwritten notes and love letters. Right, there's the texting, and
certainly it was more longhand none of this short shorthand
things so very different in those ways. Ghosting, breadcrumbing, some
(24:32):
of these kind of terms, I guess still happened to
us in a little bit different format, but I'm sure
it's more prevalent now. So talk to me a little
bit about that. How does that impact people? Because I
hear those terms a lot from my clients.
Speaker 4 (24:50):
I think ghosting is honestly one of the most violent
things you could do to someone in terms of social media,
and not physically, but because we all know that stonewalling
is one of the four horsemen of divorce and stonewalling
(25:14):
is when you kind of completely retreat. You're not engaging
in conflict, right, you would know better than I do.
But ghosting is kind of the same where you might
be having a great friendship relationship with somebody, or maybe
you've just been on one date, but you've been in
a good amount of contact, and then all of a sudden, nothing, nothing,
(25:38):
and you get no answers, you get no explanation, and
so again you're really left there wondering what.
Speaker 3 (25:47):
Did I do wrong?
Speaker 4 (25:49):
Why what happened? And I think you know, if you
hadn't if you haven't even met the person yet, you
haven't really talked much, and the relationship naturally fizzles out,
that's different. But I think if you really have an
established connection with someone and you just end it, that's
(26:11):
so harsh. That's so hurtful to the person on the
receiving end because you just leave them with nothing, no answers,
and that can really drive someone kind of crazy, for
lack of a better word.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Right, looking for those answers. So do you think it's
a lack of respect or it's just because of the
ease of being behind a screen?
Speaker 4 (26:38):
I think a big part of it is lack of accountability,
and it's hard. I will say I went on a
date a few weeks ago, and he was a great guy.
He did everything right. The connection just wasn't there, and
I know that on his end he did feel it,
and he kept wanting to try and see each other again,
(27:01):
and so I had to send him a message letting
him know that I wasn't interested. And honestly, it was
a really hard message to send because I didn't want
to hurt him. Right, he didn't do anything wrong. I
knew that it would. It's harder to send that message
than to just slowly stop responding. Okay, but it takes accountability.
(27:23):
Like you said, it's respect. Him and I had talked
about being honest with one another, and so I just
wanted him to know where I was at. And I
think in the end he really respected it rather than
be left wondering.
Speaker 3 (27:37):
And I think that's the key.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
And so even people in my generation who are back
in the dating world are experiencing this, and they're struggling
with it because it gets down to rubbing against one
of their values, perhaps, which is often respect. Again, going
back to what Charlotte learned earlier that she shared with
this that whatever's somebody says or does is about them
(28:02):
and not about you. So don't spend your energy trying
to figre out what's wrong with me. It's not there's
nothing wrong with you. It's their action is about them.
So to allow it to be that that comes from
that's the let them theory that's so popular right now
from Meil Brooks. But let them be who they are.
But recognize it could be an avoidance of conflict, right
(28:25):
it could be an act of disrespect, they struggle with accountability.
There could be so many different reasons for it. But
recognize it is coming from their insecurity, their fear, their
their value system or lack thereof, not from yours. So
(28:49):
with that other things, I'd never heard the term benching.
Do you know what that is?
Speaker 3 (28:55):
Benching?
Speaker 4 (28:56):
I don't think I do.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
I think it means I can putting you on the sidelines,
maybe coming back and forth. That's where my head would go,
I'm going to put you on the sideline. I'll come
back every now and then see if you're waiting for me.
Speaker 4 (29:07):
We do have a lot of that. I didn't know
that that was the term, but that happens a lot
where we call kind of having a roster, oh okay,
where someone will have maybe five or so people that
they're actively getting to know and that's what they call
(29:28):
their roster. And so again it's this idea of you're
almost competing against these other people to be the main player,
to be the star of the show. And again it's
the comparison is the thief of joy. But when we're
actively put in situations where we are kind of being
(29:51):
compared to one another, and you're one of five girls
that he's talking to, where you're one of five boys
that she's talking to, how can you not compare?
Speaker 3 (30:00):
Right?
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Yeah, it makes perfect sense. So how do you ever
truly get emotionally invested with someone when you're in this
kind of dating gain.
Speaker 4 (30:12):
It's been hard, especially with my fear of rejection and
all that. I very much build up walls, and I've
been told by guys that I'm dating sometimes I can
come across as cold or aloof which is actually not
my personality at all. But I'm so scared of getting
(30:33):
hurt that I want to see someone's intentions first. What
happens though, is and what's happened in my past relationships
which we've talked about, is I was emotionally manipulated because
they kind of knew what to show me and what
to do to get those walls down, and then as
soon as I did, it was almost like I was hooked,
(30:57):
kind of like love bombing. Yes, once I was hooked,
that's when they stopped pretending to be who they were,
but I was still holding on to that initial idea.
And so that's where it gets really hard of Like, yes,
having walls up to protect yourself can be a good thing,
(31:18):
but it can also a portray maybe coldness aloofness which
is not what you want to portray as, which has
turned certain people away from me. Or it can in
turn cause someone to know what to do and say
exactly to kind of get those walls down, and maybe not.
Speaker 3 (31:39):
In a good way exactly.
Speaker 2 (31:41):
So I like to teach senses instead of walls, where
there's a gate that remains locked, that has a welcome
sign that you have to go and invite them in.
So again this leaning in rather than falling in and
allow people to bulldoze in. There's a whole combination here
(32:02):
of things that go with that. It is time for
our second break but don't go far. I'll be back
with Charlotte and more SOLCPR.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
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(32:33):
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(33:17):
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tune in Radio.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
Thank you again for tuning in today. And I'm here
with my friend Charlotte, and we are talking about dating
in the modern world often has the same old fashioned problems,
meaning we got to heal ourselves first if we truly
want a healthy, rewarding, fulfilling relationship. Charlotte's telling and sharing
some and helping us understand some of the specific issues
(34:37):
to the modern dating world. And you know some of
this I'm just still really curious about because what I find, though, Charlotte,
is that a lot of people still want the exact
same result. Though they want the committed partner, they want
the courtship that leads to the long term commitment and
(34:59):
that lead to marriage. So there's still that old fashioned
outcome that people are looking for. Do you find that
to be true?
Speaker 4 (35:06):
One hundred percent? I mean, at the end of the day,
I want my person, that's all I want. Yeah, I'm
ready to meet him. And like you said, that courtship.
I mean, maybe that looks different than what it looked
like five hundred years ago, but I think as women,
even us more progressive independent women, still want someone who's
(35:27):
going to court us and we want that romance that
we see in the movies, in the books.
Speaker 3 (35:33):
Yeah, yeah, I love it.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
Well, thank you for confirming that, because that's really what
I hear in my practice from both my male and
female clients is regardless of the process of getting there,
the same desired outcome exists. Now when it comes to
mental health. Also, I think all of that that you've
(35:57):
been describing that you all go through in your process,
there's a lot more anxiety in your process than there
was in mind. Mental health was certainly stigmatized in my day,
and I think it's much less now, and thank goodness
is there's so much more anxiety with yours and I
think there's a lot of openness and talking about it.
(36:20):
And certainly a red flag in my day was just
something at the beach to tell you not to go
in the water due to the undertow or some other threat.
And now you guys openly understand and talk about red
flags and what to look for. So there are some
some things that are more readily available. And speaking of that,
(36:41):
you have started Psychology Unfiltered on Instagram, So tell us
about that, what kind of content you provide and why
you started it.
Speaker 4 (36:50):
Yeah, so my psychology page, Psychology Unfiltered is really about
posting psychology based insights to life to improve well being.
You know, there's a lot of self help accounts out
there and accounts that post really great motivational quotes. Don't
(37:11):
get me wrong, but I really wanted to get down
to the root of the science and the research behind it,
and I wanted to make it accessible, digestible and as
a benefit. I mean, I want to help people with it.
But honestly, creating this account has brought me so much
joy and healing in my own life.
Speaker 3 (37:32):
Great.
Speaker 2 (37:33):
I originally, when I first saw it, I thought, I
wonder if this was a school project, and I thought,
what a really cool assignment to get somebody out there.
But then I found out it was not. This was
just your idea and that you're doing it.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
Did it take a lot for you to do this?
Speaker 2 (37:54):
I mean, is it scary to get out there in
the social media world and do something like this or
is it just like, yeah, this is the second nature.
Speaker 4 (38:03):
For me? It was terrifying. Never in my life did
I think I wanted to be a content creator like
I talked about those influencers. I mean, I didn't think
that was ever going to be me, that would ever
be my path. I initially was planning on not really
ever showing my face and mostly just posting infographics and
(38:29):
things like that. But after talking to people and realizing
what people really need is they need a face, they
need trust, and so I started filming these little reels
every now and then. And it was so hard at
first because not only do as most people have, my
(38:51):
own insecurities, but I was putting so much weight into well,
what are people from high school going to think? What
are the people from college going to think? And you know,
everyone's always going to have something to say. You're never
going to please everybody, and kind of the let them
(39:12):
theory by mel Ramins. If they want to talk bad
about me, let them. I really had to get over that.
And also I actually have a whole post about this
on my page of how to get over people's opinions
of you. And one you have to understand, like we
talked about, if someone's talking negatively about other people, again,
that says more about them than the people they're talking
(39:33):
negatively about. There's more research on that on my page.
But then also the spotlight effect. We think that people
are talking and caring about us way more than they
actually are because we all think that there's this huge
spotlight above us, right. You know, in high school, you
get a pimple and you think everybody's going to notice this,
(39:56):
But if everybody has the exact same thing, then no
one's actually looking at you. Everyone's too busy really looking
at themselves.
Speaker 2 (40:03):
Absolutely, it is so true, and that's what you're describing
has been that fear of judgment. Another very common fear
that most of us carry through life until we learn
to let them and let that go and free ourselves
and give ourselves that peace and allow it get out
of our own way. So I love that you've done that,
(40:25):
that you've created this platform and this page, and that
you were using this to actually help people. There's a
lot of therapy speak out there these days, right, Narcissism,
the gas lighting, attachment, all these things on social media.
What I love about your page is that you are
(40:46):
doing it with the science. You're sharing it in a very,
like you say, palatable kind of digestible way. It's not
overly academics very you know, yeah, palpable, that's the right word, digestible,
so we can all understand it.
Speaker 3 (41:06):
And yet it's not opinion.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Right right, So that's what I really really love about it.
So again, your generation has more awareness, but there's also
more anxiety in your generation about dating. Do you think
some of that might come from over analyzing? Because of
when I see all this therapy speak in some of
(41:30):
these other accounts, and they're they're labeling everything and everyone,
do you think they're over analyzing rather than just experiencing relationships.
Speaker 4 (41:42):
I think that's true. It's hard because, on one hand,
the more we're talking about it, the more people are
educating themselves about narcism or gaslighting, for example. It's great
to get the awareness out there, especially gaslighting is emotional abuse, right,
and so for someone who might be really experiencing gaslighting,
(42:04):
learning what it is and how to get out of it,
what science might be, how to recognize it, all those things.
That's so it's so beneficial, it's probably helping so many people.
But at the same time, now it's become this overused
word where in someone's experience, you know, you might say, Charlotte,
(42:25):
you said this to me, and in my head, I
might genuinely not think that I said that, right, And
then so I tell you I don't think that that's true.
And now immediately you could be like, Charlotte, you're gaslighting,
and it's become this overused word that now it's almost
kind of doing more harm than good. Even with narcissism.
(42:46):
I've been seeing so many videos talking about this is narcissm,
this is narcissm, and most of it isn't science based.
And we have to be really careful when we use
words like gaslighting, narcissm, abuse because They are really strong words,
and they have a really big impact to the people
who are actually experiencing them.
Speaker 2 (43:08):
Absolutely, there's a lot of what we call misinformation, which
is unintended spreading of these types of words, or any
information that is untrue or the incorrect definition or what
have you. That's misinformation. Disinformation is when it's untrue and
(43:32):
on purposely spread. So do pay attention to the sources
that you read where you get your information, and notice
what types of things they're citing, and whether it is
science based or not. When you're listening and viewing, whether
that's the news media or anywhere else misinformation versus disinformation,
(43:53):
And when you share things, be selective when you share
things as well. Other thing that I wanted to ask
you about is coming back around to self and recognizing
that this is the most important relationship in our lives.
It's something that some people find until they get a
(44:16):
new mindset around it, they feel it selfish to focus
on self, but to self care, to self love, those
words they're like, oh, that's so foreign for them, But
to actually learn how to do that became such such
a guiding light for navigating the dating world. Right, So
(44:37):
how difficult was it for you or is it for
you still to focus on some kind of practice of
self love.
Speaker 4 (44:47):
I'll always remember sitting in my dorm room when I
was eighteen and sharing a story with my mom, and
my mom on the phone having to tell me, you know, Charlotte,
your heart is amazing. You are such a giving person,
but you really need to you really need to learn
to be more selfish because.
Speaker 3 (45:06):
I was giving so much of myself to people.
Speaker 4 (45:09):
Again, because of those traumas and those hurts, I was
giving so much of myself. This year, I've really learned
how to practice self care, practice self love. It's been
a really big healing journey in that needing a relationship
(45:29):
versus wanting one. The biggest step is loving yourself first.
If you love yourself, you don't need a relationship because
you love yourself first. But yeah, it was hard. It's
been a journey since. Like I said about that eighteen
that conversation with my mom, I post a lot about
(45:50):
that on my page as well. I kind of the
tagline self love starts here. Like you said, a lot
of people think that self care is selfish, but really
you're actually going to improve your relationships with other people
if you're loving yourself better, taking care of yourself better,
adequately setting boundaries with others because you're going to reduce burnout,
(46:13):
you're going to reduce how much of yourself you're giving,
and it really actually is going to improve your relationships.
Speaker 2 (46:20):
Absolutely absolutely I love that. So how do you think
people can become less focused on outcomes with other people
and more focused on learning about themselves and their true
desires and needs and those underserving patterns in their lives
(46:40):
like you recognize in yours to improve those relationships.
Speaker 4 (46:45):
Well, one I do highly recommend therapy and or coaching.
Therapy and coaching are pretty different. Therapy is going to
be a lot more looking at past patterns, past traumas,
under standing your past and how it's brought you to
where you are, while there will be a little bit
about that. In coaching, it's going to be a lot
(47:07):
more of moving forward. As Anne said, I have both.
I think that having both in my life has been
extremely helpful. Now I know that that's not always the
most accessible for everybody, So a lot of it can
be like finding these accounts that are trying to post
(47:27):
real science based ways to improve self love, self care. Journaling,
I know, journaling is not something that a lot of
people love to do, but even just kind of taking
the time to just write how you're feeling, I think
just taking it little steps at a time, small consistent
(47:52):
changes will have way more impact than big, every now
and then efforts.
Speaker 3 (47:58):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
There is science behind journaling in helping to make those
changes over time, because there's something about getting it out
of our heads and onto paper that is a release
and a relief, and we start seeing things differently, and
we start taking control of the narrative that has possibly
(48:24):
been controlling how we show up right. So know that
those are great things. I know that you and I
both also believe in practicing gratitude as a way to
embrace what's good in our lives, and it makes those
things that are not so good have less impact. That's
(48:48):
the whole premise of positive psychology. It's not to deny
that the negative or the dark side of life exists,
but rather to choose to focus on what's good in
light in life.
Speaker 4 (49:00):
Brings up a really interesting conversation about toxic positivity versus optimism.
Speaker 3 (49:05):
There you go, Yes, sure.
Speaker 4 (49:07):
Toxic positivity is kind of this idea where everything's good
and nothing bad ever happens. And you read you hear
those people where you're trying to tell them like, you know,
this is going on in my life. I'm feeling stressed
about it, upset. Oh it's you know, just be positive,
everything's going.
Speaker 3 (49:26):
To work out.
Speaker 4 (49:26):
Yeah, as you said, that's not realistic. Life is hard.
There is a dark side to life, whereas if optimism
is more the idea that you know, good can happen,
things can change and in the hard times.
Speaker 2 (49:46):
Yeah, it's it just helps to find that positive. I
often use the image of a long stem rose. The
thorns exist, but so does the blossom. They're both there.
You get to choose which you're going to focus your
gaze on. And you know, I'm going to focus on
(50:07):
the blue. It's time now for our third and final break,
But don't go far. I'll be back with Charlotte and
more seal cypr.
Speaker 5 (50:16):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting? And emotionally draining. Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure how.
(50:36):
I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for The Carrying Generation
radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings, six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships,
health wellbeing.
Speaker 3 (50:52):
And more.
Speaker 5 (50:53):
Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying Generation are on my
website Pameladewilson dot com, plus my care giving library. Online
caregiver support programs and programs for corporations interested in supporting
working caregivers. Help, hope and support for caregivers is here
on The Carrying Generation and Pamela Dwilson dot com.
Speaker 2 (51:21):
And we're back. I just wanted to ask Charlotte a question.
Is something I think I've heard it on television and
I really don't know what it is, so I'm hoping
she does. Charlotte, do you know what is a situationship?
I do.
Speaker 4 (51:35):
A situationship is usually a sexual relationship in which there
is no clear commitment or LABELSKY. A lot of times, however,
one of the people in the relationship does want a
commitment or a clear label and the other person does not.
Speaker 2 (51:56):
Okay, there you heard it. Here is situationship is I
had no idea. Is that even an option on some
of the platforms where you put I'm in a relationship
or a situationship?
Speaker 3 (52:09):
Is it an option?
Speaker 4 (52:10):
I don't know that looking for a situationship is an option,
but there are a lot of clues sometimes where you
can understand that that's what someone's looking for.
Speaker 2 (52:21):
Oh my goodness, Okay, all right, Well, I also want
to know what your career plans are once you graduate
from your master's program. Do you know how exactly you
want to go into the field of psychology? So I
definitely want to be a mental health counselor. Okay, I,
like I said, initially, was drawn towards working with children.
(52:42):
I wanted to help kids kind of maybe who didn't
have that sense of belonging as I did. But as
I've grown and as I'm going through this program, I'm
really actually noticing that twenty to twenty four year olds
are probably one of the most turbulent times of their life.
(53:02):
They had to create a new age group for it.
Speaker 3 (53:05):
Oh really, I didn't know that, Yeah.
Speaker 4 (53:07):
It's called emerging adults, whereas of before it was just
kind of all encapsulated into young adulthood. But it's really
that transition from being kind of a teenager to now adulthood,
and it's such a difficult time in our lives, and
I'm really drawn to helping young adults, young emerging adults
kind of navigate that time in their lives.
Speaker 2 (53:29):
I absolutely love that, especially since I have two sons
in that age range, and I can imagine so well,
thank you. I know that you'll be amazing at that.
And yeah, so if you had a key takeaway for
our audience today from our conversations in general, what would
you want to leave them with from today?
Speaker 4 (53:52):
I would really want to leave them with You have
to first heal your past to be able to move
forward and healthy relationships, otherwise you're going to repeat a
cycle of unhealthy behaviors in your friendships, your romantic relationships.
But also if someone's acting a certain way towards you
(54:15):
don't internalize that, it says more about them than it
does you.
Speaker 2 (54:19):
Well said, and that really is the C, the P,
and the R in sol CPR connect the dots, so
you get the picture. Of the past so that you
can peep in point the pain that's keeping you stuck
in the present, patterns that keep repeating themselves, and then
a recovery your truth to ReVibe your life. And for
(54:41):
those who want to follow you and connect with you,
where would you like to direct them?
Speaker 4 (54:46):
Please follow me at Psychology Underscore Unfiltered. You can find
my personal instagram there as well. Would love to answer
any questions you might have. Always open to having conversations
and there's anything you want to see posted, Happy to
feel that as well.
Speaker 2 (55:05):
Awesome, Dan, I know that will be in the show notes.
Do you have that to be able to put on screen?
If you do, please do. If not, it will be
in the show notes. And Charlotte, I thank you for
joining me today on this episode of SOULCYPR.
Speaker 4 (55:18):
Thank you for having me of course.
Speaker 2 (55:19):
And thank you for sharing your personal story and your
perspective on modern dating. And I know everyone listening joins
me in wishing you all the best in your future endeavors.
As we conclude this episode of SOULCPR Healing out Loud,
remember that healing is not a linear journey. It is
a process of profound transformation and if Today's episode resonated
(55:43):
with you. Please share this podcast with those who may
need a lifeline of their own. Subscribe, rate and leave
a review to help us reach more hearts. Connect with
me through my website it's skybewcoaching dot com, or on
social media at Facebook it's skyview Coach, and on all
the other platforms it's at and Papa Yote. There's my
(56:04):
QR code on screen. You can scan that if you're viewing,
or you can go to scopycaching dot com if you're
listening and let me know your thoughts and your stories.
Speaker 3 (56:16):
Just like Charlotte's asking, you can do the.
Speaker 2 (56:18):
Same for her. Please and we'll explore new topics in
the future, and I'll have Charlotte back as a guest
in the future.
Speaker 3 (56:24):
I have no doubt.
Speaker 2 (56:26):
And until next time, we both hope that you will
find strength in your vulnerability, encourage in your journey. We
thank you for listening. Breathe deeply, love openly, and live soulfully.
Speaker 3 (56:40):
Good day.
Speaker 1 (56:43):
This has been soul CPR with host and Papa Yote.
Breathe life back into your spirit with each episode where
she and special guests explore the relationships that hurt us
and discover that healing can only begin with you. To
Tuesdays at three pm Eastern on the Bold Brave TV
network
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