April 8, 2025 • 50 mins
You gave your whole heart, held on longer than you should have, and believed love could conquer all—only to watch them walk away and choose someone else. Now, you’re left questioning your worth, comparing yourself to their new partner, and wondering what they have that you don’t. Worse yet, deep down, you suspect your ex will come back when that new relationship falters.
In this episode of Soul CPR Healing Out Loud, we’ll explore why we hold on so tightly, the damage of self-comparison, and how to break free from the cycle of waiting and hoping. You’ll learn how to take responsibility for your role in staying too long, reclaim your self-worth, and move forward with the confidence that you deserve a love that chooses you—every time.
Let’s heal the wounds of giving everything to the wrong person and make space for the right one.
#SoulCPR #healingfromheartbreak #lettinggo #youdeservemore #selfworthjourney #relationshiphealing #moveon #chooseyourself #responsibilityinhealing #rediscoveryourworth #stopgivingyourselfaway #chooseyou #settleformore
In this episode of Soul CPR Healing Out Loud, we’ll explore why we hold on so tightly, the damage of self-comparison, and how to break free from the cycle of waiting and hoping. You’ll learn how to take responsibility for your role in staying too long, reclaim your self-worth, and move forward with the confidence that you deserve a love that chooses you—every time.
Let’s heal the wounds of giving everything to the wrong person and make space for the right one.
#SoulCPR #healingfromheartbreak #lettinggo #youdeservemore #selfworthjourney #relationshiphealing #moveon #chooseyourself #responsibilityinhealing #rediscoveryourworth #stopgivingyourselfaway #chooseyou #settleformore
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Are you ready to untangle from your past, recover from heartbreak,
and revive your life. This is soul CPR with your
host and Papayote. We've all had soul crushing experiences and
lost ourselves in our pain, but there is a way out.
On this podcast, Amazon best selling author, award winning life
(00:24):
coach and advice columnist and Papa Yode helps us navigate
the path from heartbreak to healing. So now please welcome
the host of Soul CPR and Papa Yode.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Have you ever given your all to someone and they
walked away anyway, leaving you wondering what happened and questioning
your worth? Well, today we're going to talk about just that.
We're going to talk about when love isn't enough. Welcome
to the show everyone, I'm and Papayote.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
So take a moment and reflect on.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
How it feels to give your all to someone, your love,
your time, your effort, your energy, only to be left behind.
You believed in the relationship, You invested emotionally, physically, maybe
financially most likely, and certainly spiritually, just because that's who
(01:27):
you are.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
But slowly you started.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Noticing signs maybe emotional distance inconsistencies, unmet needs, and still
you stayed, hoping that your love could be enough to
fix it. Maybe they were emotionally unavailable, maybe they gas
(01:50):
lited you into thinking that everything that seemed wrong was
your fault. Or maybe you convinced yourself that it was
just a rough patch and that things would get better.
You gave everything, but they walked away anyway, and you're
left wondering, questioning what and why, and you're feeling heartbroken.
(02:16):
The battery of questions keep you distracted by day and
up at night, and there are no answers except for
what he or she may share with you, and those
answers are not comforting. I was recently in a conversation
with someone whom I don't know very well, but whom
I see on occasion. To be specific, she's an esthetician
(02:40):
and I happen to get my legs wax. And that
might be too much information, but I hate shaving. But anyway,
I could tell she was in very deep thought, and
vitually she somewhat timidly asked me. She said, Ann, you're
a relationship coach, right, I said, yes, I am, And
from there she shared that she and her boyfriend of
(03:01):
two years had recently broken up, that she had found
or that he had found someone new rather, and that
he preferred this new person's physical type to hers. Now,
as you can imagine, this crushed her and left her
feeling inadequate. And she went on to tell me that
(03:22):
she had given all of herself to him, had done
everything possible to make this relationship work, and she felt
so discarded, rejected, used up like a bag of trash
thrown out, and the emotional fallout of his rejection had
(03:43):
been brutal. She was body shaming herself and blaming herself
for not being good enough for him. And I said,
stop right there, it was time for a reframe. He
is not good enough for her. Now, let's talk about
(04:08):
that she had been good enough until she wasn't right.
His shallow standards of how she looked in comparison to
his new opportunity was more important to him than who
she was as a companion or a partner or lover.
And as I asked more questions about the entirety of
(04:28):
the two years of the relationship, her answer soon revealed
clear signs that this relationship was not one of balance.
There was a history of self sacrifice on her part
and self serving on his. She had held on well
past the knowledge of this for the same reason so
(04:51):
many of us do, So let's talk about those. There's
the illusion of fixing a relationship by gu more. There's
confusing familiarity with true compatibility. There's the fear of starting
over or being alone, and when that happens, you're fearing
(05:12):
loneliness more than disappointment. There's the potential, seeing potential in
the relationship or in the partner instead of the reality.
So sometimes we fall in love with who we hope
they are, who we hoped they'd become, and not who
they are in reality, not who they are actually showing
(05:36):
us they are in their actions. And sometimes it's because
we've attached our identity in self worth fully to the relationship.
So in this case, she stayed, and perhaps you've stayed
because you believed your love could be enough. But love
alone cannot hold together a one sided relationship. So let's
(06:01):
expand a little bit on the reasons we do hold
on longer than we should. So speaking to the illusion
that we can fix a relationship by giving more, you know,
it really starts subtly. You start sensing a distance, Perhaps
they stop putting an effort. You feel unseen or unheard
(06:23):
or undervalued, and instead of stepping back to address and
to assess what's missing from them, your instinct is to
do more. You try harder, you give more love and
more patience and more understanding, and you silence your own
needs trying to make the relationship work. You try to
(06:46):
earn their love or reignite what you once had or
what you've believed that you had. But here's the trap.
The more you give, the more imbalanced the relationship becomes.
You start doing the emotional labor for two. You pour
(07:10):
from a cup that they no longer help refeel. And
when they still don't respond the way that you want
a need, your natural reaction is to double down. If
I just love them enough, they'll come back right. If
I'm more forgiving, more attractive, and more accommodating, they'll see
(07:31):
my worth. But listen, love doesn't work like that. You
cannot fix what's broken in the relationship by overcompensating with
your own effort. You can't change someone else's capacity to
love or commit by loving harder. So what does this
(07:55):
really say about you? And this was how the conversation
went with my esthetician. What are your unconscious beliefs? You know,
deep down you may believe you're only lovable when you're needed.
Does that resonate with you perhaps, or when you're selfless
(08:17):
or when you're useful. So perhaps you overgive to prove
your value, hoping it will earn their affection. And others
of us it may be something more like control in disguise.
Sometimes giving more is an attempt to control the outcome.
(08:40):
If you can be perfect enough.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
Maybe they won't leave.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
If you sacrifice enough, maybe they'll finally wake up and
appreciate you. Have you ever felt any of that, or
thought any of that, or experienced any of that? And
then there are others of us who truly self abandon
(09:06):
because the more we focus on someone else or fixing
the relationship, the more we don't have to focus on ourselves,
The more we can disconnect. We can disconnect from our
own truth, from our boundaries. That's the hard work. It's
easier just to lean into someone else, focus on them,
(09:29):
abandon our own well being. And if I had a
dollar for every person who has told me they lost
themselves or gave themselves away in a relationship, sadly, I'd
be a wealthy woman because of it.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
So what do we do? What I did with.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
This woman was we reframed and we face the reality.
Reframing is a coaching technique where we take the truth
the reality, and we look at it from a different perspective.
Like putting a picture doesn't change the picture, but we
put it in a new frame, so we look at
it differently. So in reframing this, we need to look
(10:14):
at what love is and love isn't healthy.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Love does not require proving it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Therefore, what was that an example of unhealthy love? If
someone's withdrawing, it doesn't mean that you have to move
towards them. It's not always a sign you need to
work harder. Sometimes it's a sign you need to pause
(10:46):
and look at what's no longer working. Listen, relationships are
co created, co created, they're a partnership, and if you're
doing all the work, it's not lave it's sacrifice. Instead
(11:08):
of sacrifice, relationships involve compromise and there's a balance in that.
So i'd encourage you to think through what the difference
is between sacrifice and compromise. Now, another point that we
(11:29):
were making before.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Is that some of us might.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
Confuse familiarity with true compatibility, and when we're in a relationship,
especially one that's lasted a while, or maybe one that
feels emotionally intense, we may mistake what's become familiar for
what's right. Maybe it's like we feel at home with
(11:56):
the person we're in a relationship with. We've learned how
to navigate their moods, We've learned to anticipate their needs.
And it might be that we've actually walked on eggshells
for so long?
Speaker 3 (12:11):
Did it? It's just that.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
We've perfected the dance. Can you relate to that? And
because it feels normal, we now assume it's love, or
we at least assume its compatibility. But here's the truth.
Familiarity is not the same as compatibility.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
But we often confuse those too. And why do we
confuse those?
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Because of our early conditioning, many of us will unknowingly
seek out partners who feel like our earliest emotional environments,
what we experience with our parents and our caregivers. So
if love came with emotional unavailability or unpredictability, or we
(13:05):
had to earn affection, we subconsciously seek that out again.
So if it feels like home. Sometimes that's what we seek,
even if home wasn't healthy. There's also the trauma bond trap.
(13:27):
When you've experienced emotional highs and lows with someone, fights, breakups, makeups,
that intensity can be mistaken for passion or connection. Again,
go back to your early home life. Was it chaotic?
Was this what you witnessed as and we're told was love?
(13:50):
But what's happening in truth is it's your nervous system
being activated by what's familiar, not necessarily what's safe or right. Again,
I hear this a lot from clients and from participants
in support groups, that this is just what they knew,
and so it's what they sought and it's why they stayed.
(14:12):
It's what stuck for them as love. But it was
never fulfilling. It never felt safe, it never felt right.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
It was just familiar.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
So there's this comfort in the known because why because
you know how to survive the chaos, You've learned how
to manage the roller coaster that this is sometimes it's
silence that you've learned to manage, the stonewalling, the shutdowns,
(14:51):
the dismissiveness. But that coping somehow becomes your definition of
a relationship skill subconsciously, of course. But when something in
someone healthier comes along, someone consistent in kind, that might
(15:11):
actually feel boring or foreign until you do what, until
you do your own healing work and come to recognize
that was actually a stress response the entire time. But
what is the difference. What's the compatibility difference from familiarity?
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Listen?
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Familiarity is based on patterns you already know whether they're
healthy or not, while combatibility is going to be based
on shared values, mutual respect, emotional safety, and aligned life goals.
Compatibility does not drain you. It doesn't leave you questioning
(15:57):
your worth. It feels stable, not chaotic, supportive, not performative.
You don't have to perform to be valued. It's growing,
it's not diminishing, doesn't shrink you. And I know you
might say, but nobody knows me like they do, And
(16:18):
they may tell you that too, And they may say
nobody loves you like I do. And that may be true.
But the real question is did they know you in
a way that helped you grow, feel loved and safe,
or in a way that made you shrink, chase, or settle.
And the reason I say this is because when someone
has left you behind and chosen someone else, and you
(16:39):
think about the relationship. Often we're seeing it through rose
colored glasses, But how good was it?
Speaker 3 (16:48):
Really?
Speaker 2 (16:49):
It's time for our first break. When we come back,
we're going to talk more about that so that you
can let go of what really did not serve you
so far. Will be back with four SOLCPR.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Mike Zorich a three time California state champion in Greco
Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike blind
six birth, was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was a
six time national placer, including two seconds, two thirds, and
two fourths. He also won the Veterans Folk Style Wrestling
(17:23):
twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In all
these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy Zorich
a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to the
stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states. Her father,
a commercial artist who shared his instruments with his daughter
and helped her fine tune her natural abilities, influenced her
(17:46):
decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zorich has enjoyed
a fruitful career doing what she loves listen Saturday mornings
at twelve Eastern with the Nancy and Mike Show for
heartwarming stories and interrect talk on the BBM Global Network.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure how.
(18:24):
I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for the Carrying Generation
radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings, six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships, health,
wellbeing and more. Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying Generation
are on my website Pamela Dwilson dot com, plus my
(18:48):
Caregiving Library. Online caregiver support programs and programs for corporations
interested in supporting working caregivers. Help, hope and support for
caregivers is here on The Carrying Generation and Pamladewilson dot com.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
Hello everyone, thank you for tuning in today.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
We are back.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
We are talking about love that may have left you behind,
but has it left you broken? And would you run
back to it? I truly want you to take some
time in reflection, Okay, the now? What is take some
time to reflect, look at the relationship objectively, you know,
(19:30):
was it really were you really perfect for each other?
Speaker 3 (19:34):
What was it really like?
Speaker 2 (19:36):
And I feel so passionately about this about taking time
because oftentimes they run back to you, and I want
you to be ready to think about this. If if
for some reason, this was a toxic relationship, manipulative or anything,
your judgment's going to be super clouded already and it's
going to be difficult to discern. But I've created a
(19:59):
download not PDF that we're working on being able to
link it.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
Into the show notes.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
If it's not available right away, I'll let you know
in a future episode when it is and how you
can get that. That's going to guide you through some
I think I have ten different guided journaling questions to
help you really sit down and reflect on this so
you don't run back or you don't immediately accept someone
back without having done your personal work on making sure
(20:30):
where you sit with this relationship, have they done their
work before they've come back, and seeing if it's truly
compatible or familiar. So compatibility again is based on shared values,
mutual respect, emotional safety, aligned goals, all of that. Familiar
does not always mean safe, and comfortable doesn't always mean good.
(20:56):
Sometimes the person that you may run back to or
who runs back to you is just a mirror of
old pain and not your forever partner. So do yourself
the favor of taking the time to try to heal
and find meaning in the experience.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
First.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
All right, Another reason that we kind of get stuck
or they stay stuck on us. Like the image that
I posted on social media about today's show where I said.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
That letting go of someone's.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Allowing sand to fall out of your hand. There's always
some that stay stuck. Right. One of the deepest reasons
people will stay too long in a relationship or hold
on even if it's no longer healthier, loving, or aligned
is simply fear. Not necessarily of the person now that
(21:54):
could be true and toxic relationship, but of the unknown
of being alone, of having to start over, of having
to do life without a partner, and that fear. It's valid,
it's human. And but why do we fear starting over
so much? Listen, every one of us has had a
(22:16):
lot of practice that's starting over. Every year at school,
we had to start over in that new grade, with
the new class, with the new teacher. So we all
have evidence of the ability to start over in spite
of nerves, of fear, of anxiety.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
We all did it.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
So remember your successes. We forget them, don't we. But
we've all done it. We've started over many times. But
when it comes to relationships, we start thinking, oh, I've
invested so much time, and then there's this sunk cost
fallacy that kicks in. I've already put in X amount
of years. I can't just walk way now. But time
(23:02):
spent in the wrong relationship doesn't justify sacrificing your health
and happiness, does it. We fear we don't won't find better, Perhaps,
especially after rejection, it's easy to believe.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
I'm going to call it a lie.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
If I was truly lovable, they wouldn't have left. That's
a lie, because you are lovable, and they didn't leave
because of you. They left because of something about them,
and that could be a whole show, but it does
leave you questioning your worth and thinking what if no
one else wants me?
Speaker 3 (23:42):
But the truth is, it's not that no one will
love you. It's that you.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
Haven't been loved the way you deserve yet. And yes,
part of that's your responsibility and accountability, and we're going
to get to that now. Loneliness feels unbearable. I know,
been there, but being alone can feel like a failure
or a punishment.
Speaker 3 (24:05):
I know.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
But sometimes loneliness is not a sign that you're doing
something wrong. It's a sign that you're finally making groom
for what's right. Can you try to see it that
way now? I think healing is all about cooperating with time.
(24:25):
So it's not about just being lonely and suffering through it.
It's about cooperating during that loneliness period to do the
reflection work and taking accountability and responsibility for your part
in a relationship, which might be holding on too long. Again,
we'll talk more in a moment, And why what is
it about me that stayed too long and held on,
(24:49):
ignored red flags, et cetera. That's the healing work for you,
that's the responsibility for you do. You have to allow
yourself time to do that and time to heal. Now,
sometimes our entire identity is tied to the relationship, and
you may not know who you are without being with
your person. The person you've labeled is that. But starting
(25:14):
over forces you to truly face yourself, and that's both
terrifying and incredibly powerful at the same time. There's no
greater work you'll do in your life than the work
of self discovery.
Speaker 3 (25:34):
I promise you that.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
But again, being alone does not mean you're unlovable. It
means you're brave enough to stop settling. It's not a
step backward. It's a clean page, a chance to choose
better and love deeper, and live more honestly, live more honestly.
I have so many people tell me they want to
live an authentic life, they want to have peace in
(25:58):
their lives. Okay, well you have to create that for yourself.
The time you spend in healing and rediscovering yourself and
reconnecting with what you truly want is not wasted, it's sacred. Okay,
So it's not starting over. Perhaps the reframe would be
(26:21):
it's starting with.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
You.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
You're not going back to square one. Really, you're bringing
new lessons, new clarity, new boundaries, perhaps new wisdom and
strength that you didn't have perhaps before the relationship that's ending.
Speaker 3 (26:41):
And this time.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
You're not abandoning yourself. You're committing to you. Now, let's
talk about self comparison, because that is such a big thing,
and it was in my conversation with Esthetician. You scrutinize
(27:04):
the partner's new person's appearance, their personality, their status, and
whatever it is that they have that you don't. Right,
so your ex's new relationship starts to really fell out,
to become evidence in proof of your inadequacy. It's look,
it's gut wrenching to see your ex move one, especially
(27:27):
if they do it quickly. Even worse if they did
it and then broke up with you or cheated on you.
It's even worse when they describe the new person as
more their type, as happened to her. She said, he
told me his new girlfriend is taller and skinnier, and
that he's always been attracted to that. Look.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Ouch.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
These kind of comments stick like emotional daggers, and you
start to internalize them, wondering what's wrong with you? So
our ego starts trying to make sense of rejection. It
starts looking for a reason, often in your appearance or personality,
and either you start making yourself the opposite of the
(28:20):
skinnier woman. You start eating more to prove you're not
good enough, you start not taking care of your body,
you start self betraying to prove that you weren't good enough,
(28:42):
or you do the opposite, You start competing and trying
to be the image he has put in front of
you that he's more intracted to. Comparison becomes a form
of self harm in some way, and it's disguised as
some kind of of self analysis, And of course social
(29:04):
media amplifies this wound, right all the smiles, the illusion
of perfect new relationships and the curated posts, and part
of cooperating with time to heal means you stop following
him or her. You stop checking out where they're going
and how they're spending their time together and relationship statuses.
(29:26):
I know it's hard to do. It's natural to be curious,
but you're not helping yourself heal.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
Now.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
Comparison can be a natural coping mechanism when facing rejection,
as that attempt to make sense of the pain, but
the mind is playing tricks, and it's going to have
you idealizing your ex and romanticizing him or her and
the relationship be hindsight, while brutalizing yourself for not being
(29:57):
the person you should have been those Have you ever
had those kind of thoughts instead those kinds of things
to yourself? It's not okay. So you've got to break
free from the comparison. You've got to reframe it. You've
got to recognize that their type or preference says nothing
about your worth. In fact, their preference is not a
(30:19):
measure of your worth. Not height, not weight, not size.
Nothing has to do with worth. Remember when I said
he's not good enough for her, and what I meant
by that because of his shallow criteria for a girlfriend.
(30:47):
It was about how she looked, not who she was.
That should not have been good enough for my esthetician.
That should have made him not good enough for her
criteria for a partner. What's your criteria for a partner?
(31:13):
So remember you're not in competition with their new partner.
They weren't right for you. If it's something like one
of these scenarios, and you have to remind yourself if
they can overlook your depth and.
Speaker 3 (31:26):
Loyalty and heart.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
They're not your person, so affirm your own value regardless
of their choice. All right, it's time for our second
commercial break. When we come back, let's talk about taking
responsibility without self blame and shame. Don'tko farr, We'll be
back with more self CPR.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
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Speaker 2 (33:56):
Hello everyone, you're tuned in to sol CPR. I'm an
Papaoti on the Bold Brave TV Network. Today we're talking
about someone walking away from you even though you put
everything into the relationship. But you do have some responsibility
for having put everything into a relationship and staying perhaps
(34:18):
past its expiry date. Let's use those terms. So what
does it mean to own your choices? It means to
own them, but without self blaming and shaming acknowledging your
role in holding on too long. Let's talk about blame.
It may sound like it's my fault that he or
(34:41):
she left.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
It's my fault they left.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Responsibility, however, may sound like I ignored my own needs
and tried to save this relationship. There's a difference. So, Okay,
you stayed too long, you knew in your gut that
something was off, and you held on anyway. That doesn't
make you weak. It makes you someone who perhaps loved
(35:07):
with hope. How's that Hopefulness is all about believing that
they'll change or that your love would be enough. And
you may have feared abandonment or rejection, and that came
from somewhere in your past. That might be your responsibility
to look into healings so you don't repeat patterns in
(35:30):
future relationships. Right, maybe you lost yourself in the pursuit
of saving the relationship. So what do you need to
look at with that. Now, there's a fine line between
accountability and self blame. It can get blurred. So owning
the choice to stay without shaming.
Speaker 3 (35:51):
Yourself for it.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
You have to recognize the emotional investment as a sign
for your capacity to love. Okay, so you have a
great capacity to love. She's got to understand that staying
too long does not make you unworthy, and taking responsibility
is not about beating yourself up, but it is about
(36:13):
reclaiming your power. So here's where responsibility comes in. Knowing
that you can't control their actions, but you can choose
how you move forward. And that begins by letting go
of the self punishment and embracing this self compassion. It
begins by reflecting on where did you silence your intuition?
(36:37):
When did you first recognize something was off and you
ignored your gut? Notice where you first abandoned yourself so
that you could be chosen by someone else? Start practicing, now,
what honoring your elf looks like. It sounds like the
(37:04):
moment you take responsibility.
Speaker 3 (37:05):
For staying too long is the moment.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
You start taking your power back. Some of your reflection
is gonna be It felt like home, but it was
that chaos. I was used to it, control the roller,
the highs and lows. When it was good, it was good.
When it was bad, it was bad, but it always
came back to good. I learned the dance on the eggshells.
(37:31):
I got good at it.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
At least I wasn't alone. What is your truth?
Speaker 2 (37:39):
Sit with it, feel it, acknowledge it, and then take
responsibility for your healing so that you can break this
pattern of relationships or in relationships, so that you can
truly have a healthy, mutual, a mutually balanced, alined, healthy,
(38:00):
loving relationship because you can't have it. They do exist.
Speaker 3 (38:08):
Now when you are able to kind.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
Of let go of the relationship, even if they've left
you behind. Cause again, oftentimes they come back when the
next one doesn't work out. Why because you did what
you held on a long time, and we teach people
how to treat us. You have to break that cycle
(38:37):
of hope. If they come back, most likely it's not
going to be because they've changed. That's the truth. Now
I'm speaking in generalizations. There may be a situation where
someone's done their work and they truly want to get together.
(39:00):
Encourage you to do Couples counseling if they're willing to
do that, they're willing to sit with you, with someone
in a third chair that has an objective way of
looking at the two of you and your relationship to
help you come to terms with whatever broke you up
the first time, or the second time, or the multiple times,
(39:22):
whatever your history is. Now you have to recognize also
the difference between being missed and being valued, because being
missed feels good, doesn't it, And you might have dreamt
about that, and then you might feel good that they
(39:46):
chose you again after they were with someone else that
was skinnier and taller or whatever the description was, and
they're back. But what's the difference I miss you or
do they value I've experienced this and looking back, I
was glad that I shut the door and turned the lock.
(40:10):
How do you want to feel after they come back?
So I want to encourage you to choose yourself over
hope as well of their return, because if not, there's
going to be a lot of disappointment as well. Now,
creating space for self love and new experiences is going
(40:33):
to be very rewarding fulfilling in the future as you
rebuild your confidence and rewrite that inner narrative about what
actually went wrong, You're going to find your futures a
lot more fulfilling. Letting go is actually an act of
self respect and not failure. So I would encourage you
(40:56):
to find some empowering affirmations. Affirmations are those I am
statements often that feel very awkward in the beginning to
start saying them. But the more you practice in anything,
the better you perform, and the more comfortable you'll become
with them. So things like I am worthy of being
(41:17):
chosen every single day? What do you need to hear
even though you might not believe it yet repeatedly? That's
going to start changing what you think and feel and
therefore believe about yourself. Maybe it's something like they're leaving,
(41:37):
it's not my loss, it's my liberation.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
What is it?
Speaker 2 (41:44):
It takes some time in reflection to sit with yourself
to actually find these right and get to that place.
So letting go doesn't have to be about giving up.
It's about really taking yourself back. So do you hear
the difference in the empower of the language of the
wording you use with yourself. I'm going to let go
(42:06):
of hope, I'm going to let go of this person
who left me behind.
Speaker 3 (42:15):
I'm going to let go. And if they choose to return.
Speaker 2 (42:22):
To me, what am I prepared to face? How will
I greet that? What is my question? What do I
need to know? How do I need to think and feel?
Because some of that love, like sand, after release it
from my hand, will still be stuck there. Some of
(42:43):
my insecurities might still be stuck What might still be there?
So where do I need to be? What do I
need to have reflected on? Where do you want to be?
I can tell you when I had the situation where
someone came to my door.
Speaker 3 (43:00):
I did talk to them for a while.
Speaker 2 (43:02):
But it was very clear in a very short amount
of time that I was missed but not valued, And
I have no regrets for showing them back to the
door and locking it. So what do you want to have?
How do you want to feel should this statistically probability
(43:29):
happen in your life? All right, We're going to take
our third and final break, and when we come back,
I have some closing thoughts for you. Don't go far.
We'll be back with more soul.
Speaker 1 (43:41):
CPR author, radio show host and coach John M. Hawkins
reveal strategies to help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity,
achieve goals. John M. Hawkins new book Coach to Greatness
Unlock Your Full Potential with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe,
(44:06):
Hawkins reveals strategies to help readers accomplish more. He believes
the book can coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that
the best athletes get to the top of their sport
with the help of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares
guidance that helps readers reflect on what motivates them. We
discover and assess their core values, philosophies and competencies, find
(44:29):
settings that allow them to be the most productive, and
track their progress towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John hawkins
My Strategy Saturdays one pm Eastern on the BBM Global
Network and tune in Radio. Mike Zorich a three time
California state champion in Greco Roman wrestling at one hundred
(44:51):
and fourteen pounds. Mike blind Sid's birth was born in Hartford, Connecticut.
He was a six time national placer, including two two seconds,
two thirds, and two fourths. He also won the Veterans
Folk Style Wrestling twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds.
In all these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor.
(45:13):
Nancy Zurich a creative spirit whose talents have taken her
to the stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states.
Her father, a commercial artist who shared his instruments with
his daughter and helped her fine tune her natural abilities,
influenced her decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zurich
has enjoyed a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen
(45:36):
Saturday mornings at twelve Eastern for the Nancy and Mike
Show for heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM
Global Network.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
Welcome back everyone. If you gave your best to someone
who wasn't ready, able or willing to receive it, just
know that it doesn't make you foolish, it makes you human.
I think we've all probably experienced this at some point
on one level or another. How long we stayed has
a lot to do with how we grew up and
(46:12):
what we learned about love.
Speaker 3 (46:14):
But we can always.
Speaker 2 (46:15):
Change that, and I would encourage you to, of course
give yourself time to reflect, as I said, even give
yourself time to vent and to talk things out. With
someone who can be objective, because healing out loud per
the name of the show, is very powerful and it
can actually, I think, sort of short circuit a lot
(46:39):
of the processing that has to be done. It really
speeds things up if you will so anyway, if you
hope that they're going to return, I think that's one
way that people get stuck in emotional limbo. So I
think letting go of hope is one of my key
takeaways for you, and again to ask yourself self if
(47:01):
they come back, would anything really be different or would
it just continue to delay or impair the healing that
I'm trying to engage in. I want you to know
you can still love someone and let them go. You
can miss them and still move on, and you may
(47:24):
have been left behind, but that again does not mean
you have to be left broken. And I always think
about some of the most beautiful art creations that I've
ever seen or made of shattered tiles and glass mosaics
and stained glass windows come to mind, and you, too
(47:44):
are a masterpiece, and only you can choose to put
yourself back together again and heal. So again, letting go
isn't about giving up on love. It's about giving yourself
the love that you keep giving a way. Now, I
(48:05):
want to reassure you that healing does happen in it. Again,
it is about cooperating with time and that you're not
alone in this journey. So be gentle with yourselves if
this is something that you're experiencing and going through, and
trust that letting go does make room for the right love.
And the right love is one that's going to choose
(48:26):
you every time. Value you, respect you and Dan. Can
we put the QR code up and the website so
know that if you need help in this journey, that's
not unusual either. You can reach out to me at
skybewcoaching dot com if we get my QR code up there.
(48:51):
If you are viewing this, you can always scan the
QR code as well social Thank you Dan. You can
connect with me on social media on Facebook, skyview Coaching
on Instagram, LinkedIn and x It's going to be at
en Papayote. I will be working to try to get
that link up for the downloadable pdf to guide you
(49:13):
through some reflections, and I'll let you know when that
is available. You can check back on any of the
links any of the platforms and see if that link
is up for episode number fifty four, which this one is.
And as this episode of SOLCPR comes to a close,
remember that healing is not a linear journey. It is
a process of profound transformation. And if today's episode resonated
(49:37):
with you, please share it with others so that they
can perhaps use this as a lifeline of their own
and subscribe, rate and leave us a review to help
us reach more hearts. We greatly appreciate it, and let
me know the stories and the topics that you'd like
us to address here on sol CPR Healing out Loud,
because this show is for you and I would love
(49:58):
to help make that happen and for you, And as always,
I thank you for listening. Until next time, May you
find strengthen your vulnerability and courage in your journey. Pree deeply,
love openly, and live soulfully.
Speaker 3 (50:14):
Good day everyone.
Speaker 1 (50:18):
This has been sole CPR with host and Papa Yode
breathe life back into your spirit with each episode where
she and special guests explore the relationships that hurt us
and discover that healing can only begin with you. Tuesdays
at three pm Eastern on The Bold Brave TV network,
Are you ready to untangle from your past, recover from heartbreak,
and revive your life. This is soul CPR with your
host and Papayote. We've all had soul crushing experiences and
lost ourselves in our pain, but there is a way out.
On this podcast, Amazon best selling author, award winning life
(00:24):
coach and advice columnist and Papa Yode helps us navigate
the path from heartbreak to healing. So now please welcome
the host of Soul CPR and Papa Yode.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Have you ever given your all to someone and they
walked away anyway, leaving you wondering what happened and questioning
your worth? Well, today we're going to talk about just that.
We're going to talk about when love isn't enough. Welcome
to the show everyone, I'm and Papayote.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
So take a moment and reflect on.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
How it feels to give your all to someone, your love,
your time, your effort, your energy, only to be left behind.
You believed in the relationship, You invested emotionally, physically, maybe
financially most likely, and certainly spiritually, just because that's who
(01:27):
you are.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
But slowly you started.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Noticing signs maybe emotional distance inconsistencies, unmet needs, and still
you stayed, hoping that your love could be enough to
fix it. Maybe they were emotionally unavailable, maybe they gas
(01:50):
lited you into thinking that everything that seemed wrong was
your fault. Or maybe you convinced yourself that it was
just a rough patch and that things would get better.
You gave everything, but they walked away anyway, and you're
left wondering, questioning what and why, and you're feeling heartbroken.
(02:16):
The battery of questions keep you distracted by day and
up at night, and there are no answers except for
what he or she may share with you, and those
answers are not comforting. I was recently in a conversation
with someone whom I don't know very well, but whom
I see on occasion. To be specific, she's an esthetician
(02:40):
and I happen to get my legs wax. And that
might be too much information, but I hate shaving. But anyway,
I could tell she was in very deep thought, and
vitually she somewhat timidly asked me. She said, Ann, you're
a relationship coach, right, I said, yes, I am, And
from there she shared that she and her boyfriend of
(03:01):
two years had recently broken up, that she had found
or that he had found someone new rather, and that
he preferred this new person's physical type to hers. Now,
as you can imagine, this crushed her and left her
feeling inadequate. And she went on to tell me that
(03:22):
she had given all of herself to him, had done
everything possible to make this relationship work, and she felt
so discarded, rejected, used up like a bag of trash
thrown out, and the emotional fallout of his rejection had
(03:43):
been brutal. She was body shaming herself and blaming herself
for not being good enough for him. And I said,
stop right there, it was time for a reframe. He
is not good enough for her. Now, let's talk about
(04:08):
that she had been good enough until she wasn't right.
His shallow standards of how she looked in comparison to
his new opportunity was more important to him than who
she was as a companion or a partner or lover.
And as I asked more questions about the entirety of
(04:28):
the two years of the relationship, her answer soon revealed
clear signs that this relationship was not one of balance.
There was a history of self sacrifice on her part
and self serving on his. She had held on well
past the knowledge of this for the same reason so
(04:51):
many of us do, So let's talk about those. There's
the illusion of fixing a relationship by gu more. There's
confusing familiarity with true compatibility. There's the fear of starting
over or being alone, and when that happens, you're fearing
(05:12):
loneliness more than disappointment. There's the potential, seeing potential in
the relationship or in the partner instead of the reality.
So sometimes we fall in love with who we hope
they are, who we hoped they'd become, and not who
they are in reality, not who they are actually showing
(05:36):
us they are in their actions. And sometimes it's because
we've attached our identity in self worth fully to the relationship.
So in this case, she stayed, and perhaps you've stayed
because you believed your love could be enough. But love
alone cannot hold together a one sided relationship. So let's
(06:01):
expand a little bit on the reasons we do hold
on longer than we should. So speaking to the illusion
that we can fix a relationship by giving more, you know,
it really starts subtly. You start sensing a distance, Perhaps
they stop putting an effort. You feel unseen or unheard
(06:23):
or undervalued, and instead of stepping back to address and
to assess what's missing from them, your instinct is to
do more. You try harder, you give more love and
more patience and more understanding, and you silence your own
needs trying to make the relationship work. You try to
(06:46):
earn their love or reignite what you once had or
what you've believed that you had. But here's the trap.
The more you give, the more imbalanced the relationship becomes.
You start doing the emotional labor for two. You pour
(07:10):
from a cup that they no longer help refeel. And
when they still don't respond the way that you want
a need, your natural reaction is to double down. If
I just love them enough, they'll come back right. If
I'm more forgiving, more attractive, and more accommodating, they'll see
(07:31):
my worth. But listen, love doesn't work like that. You
cannot fix what's broken in the relationship by overcompensating with
your own effort. You can't change someone else's capacity to
love or commit by loving harder. So what does this
(07:55):
really say about you? And this was how the conversation
went with my esthetician. What are your unconscious beliefs? You know,
deep down you may believe you're only lovable when you're needed.
Does that resonate with you perhaps, or when you're selfless
(08:17):
or when you're useful. So perhaps you overgive to prove
your value, hoping it will earn their affection. And others
of us it may be something more like control in disguise.
Sometimes giving more is an attempt to control the outcome.
(08:40):
If you can be perfect enough.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
Maybe they won't leave.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
If you sacrifice enough, maybe they'll finally wake up and
appreciate you. Have you ever felt any of that, or
thought any of that, or experienced any of that? And
then there are others of us who truly self abandon
(09:06):
because the more we focus on someone else or fixing
the relationship, the more we don't have to focus on ourselves,
The more we can disconnect. We can disconnect from our
own truth, from our boundaries. That's the hard work. It's
easier just to lean into someone else, focus on them,
(09:29):
abandon our own well being. And if I had a
dollar for every person who has told me they lost
themselves or gave themselves away in a relationship, sadly, I'd
be a wealthy woman because of it.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
So what do we do? What I did with.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
This woman was we reframed and we face the reality.
Reframing is a coaching technique where we take the truth
the reality, and we look at it from a different perspective.
Like putting a picture doesn't change the picture, but we
put it in a new frame, so we look at
it differently. So in reframing this, we need to look
(10:14):
at what love is and love isn't healthy.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Love does not require proving it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Therefore, what was that an example of unhealthy love? If
someone's withdrawing, it doesn't mean that you have to move
towards them. It's not always a sign you need to
work harder. Sometimes it's a sign you need to pause
(10:46):
and look at what's no longer working. Listen, relationships are
co created, co created, they're a partnership, and if you're
doing all the work, it's not lave it's sacrifice. Instead
(11:08):
of sacrifice, relationships involve compromise and there's a balance in that.
So i'd encourage you to think through what the difference
is between sacrifice and compromise. Now, another point that we
(11:29):
were making before.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Is that some of us might.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
Confuse familiarity with true compatibility, and when we're in a relationship,
especially one that's lasted a while, or maybe one that
feels emotionally intense, we may mistake what's become familiar for
what's right. Maybe it's like we feel at home with
(11:56):
the person we're in a relationship with. We've learned how
to navigate their moods, We've learned to anticipate their needs.
And it might be that we've actually walked on eggshells
for so long?
Speaker 3 (12:11):
Did it? It's just that.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
We've perfected the dance. Can you relate to that? And
because it feels normal, we now assume it's love, or
we at least assume its compatibility. But here's the truth.
Familiarity is not the same as compatibility.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
But we often confuse those too. And why do we
confuse those?
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Because of our early conditioning, many of us will unknowingly
seek out partners who feel like our earliest emotional environments,
what we experience with our parents and our caregivers. So
if love came with emotional unavailability or unpredictability, or we
(13:05):
had to earn affection, we subconsciously seek that out again.
So if it feels like home. Sometimes that's what we seek,
even if home wasn't healthy. There's also the trauma bond trap.
(13:27):
When you've experienced emotional highs and lows with someone, fights, breakups, makeups,
that intensity can be mistaken for passion or connection. Again,
go back to your early home life. Was it chaotic?
Was this what you witnessed as and we're told was love?
(13:50):
But what's happening in truth is it's your nervous system
being activated by what's familiar, not necessarily what's safe or right. Again,
I hear this a lot from clients and from participants
in support groups, that this is just what they knew,
and so it's what they sought and it's why they stayed.
(14:12):
It's what stuck for them as love. But it was
never fulfilling. It never felt safe, it never felt right.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
It was just familiar.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
So there's this comfort in the known because why because
you know how to survive the chaos, You've learned how
to manage the roller coaster that this is sometimes it's
silence that you've learned to manage, the stonewalling, the shutdowns,
(14:51):
the dismissiveness. But that coping somehow becomes your definition of
a relationship skill subconsciously, of course. But when something in
someone healthier comes along, someone consistent in kind, that might
(15:11):
actually feel boring or foreign until you do what, until
you do your own healing work and come to recognize
that was actually a stress response the entire time. But
what is the difference. What's the compatibility difference from familiarity?
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Listen?
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Familiarity is based on patterns you already know whether they're
healthy or not, while combatibility is going to be based
on shared values, mutual respect, emotional safety, and aligned life goals.
Compatibility does not drain you. It doesn't leave you questioning
(15:57):
your worth. It feels stable, not chaotic, supportive, not performative.
You don't have to perform to be valued. It's growing,
it's not diminishing, doesn't shrink you. And I know you
might say, but nobody knows me like they do, And
(16:18):
they may tell you that too, And they may say
nobody loves you like I do. And that may be true.
But the real question is did they know you in
a way that helped you grow, feel loved and safe,
or in a way that made you shrink, chase, or settle.
And the reason I say this is because when someone
has left you behind and chosen someone else, and you
(16:39):
think about the relationship. Often we're seeing it through rose
colored glasses, But how good was it?
Speaker 3 (16:48):
Really?
Speaker 2 (16:49):
It's time for our first break. When we come back,
we're going to talk more about that so that you
can let go of what really did not serve you
so far. Will be back with four SOLCPR.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Mike Zorich a three time California state champion in Greco
Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike blind
six birth, was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was a
six time national placer, including two seconds, two thirds, and
two fourths. He also won the Veterans Folk Style Wrestling
(17:23):
twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In all
these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy Zorich
a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to the
stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states. Her father,
a commercial artist who shared his instruments with his daughter
and helped her fine tune her natural abilities, influenced her
(17:46):
decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zorich has enjoyed
a fruitful career doing what she loves listen Saturday mornings
at twelve Eastern with the Nancy and Mike Show for
heartwarming stories and interrect talk on the BBM Global Network.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure how.
(18:24):
I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for the Carrying Generation
radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings, six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships, health,
wellbeing and more. Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying Generation
are on my website Pamela Dwilson dot com, plus my
(18:48):
Caregiving Library. Online caregiver support programs and programs for corporations
interested in supporting working caregivers. Help, hope and support for
caregivers is here on The Carrying Generation and Pamladewilson dot com.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
Hello everyone, thank you for tuning in today.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
We are back.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
We are talking about love that may have left you behind,
but has it left you broken? And would you run
back to it? I truly want you to take some
time in reflection, Okay, the now? What is take some
time to reflect, look at the relationship objectively, you know,
(19:30):
was it really were you really perfect for each other?
Speaker 3 (19:34):
What was it really like?
Speaker 2 (19:36):
And I feel so passionately about this about taking time
because oftentimes they run back to you, and I want
you to be ready to think about this. If if
for some reason, this was a toxic relationship, manipulative or anything,
your judgment's going to be super clouded already and it's
going to be difficult to discern. But I've created a
(19:59):
download not PDF that we're working on being able to
link it.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
Into the show notes.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
If it's not available right away, I'll let you know
in a future episode when it is and how you
can get that. That's going to guide you through some
I think I have ten different guided journaling questions to
help you really sit down and reflect on this so
you don't run back or you don't immediately accept someone
back without having done your personal work on making sure
(20:30):
where you sit with this relationship, have they done their
work before they've come back, and seeing if it's truly
compatible or familiar. So compatibility again is based on shared values,
mutual respect, emotional safety, aligned goals, all of that. Familiar
does not always mean safe, and comfortable doesn't always mean good.
(20:56):
Sometimes the person that you may run back to or
who runs back to you is just a mirror of
old pain and not your forever partner. So do yourself
the favor of taking the time to try to heal
and find meaning in the experience.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
First.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
All right, Another reason that we kind of get stuck
or they stay stuck on us. Like the image that
I posted on social media about today's show where I said.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
That letting go of someone's.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Allowing sand to fall out of your hand. There's always
some that stay stuck. Right. One of the deepest reasons
people will stay too long in a relationship or hold
on even if it's no longer healthier, loving, or aligned
is simply fear. Not necessarily of the person now that
(21:54):
could be true and toxic relationship, but of the unknown
of being alone, of having to start over, of having
to do life without a partner, and that fear. It's valid,
it's human. And but why do we fear starting over
so much? Listen, every one of us has had a
(22:16):
lot of practice that's starting over. Every year at school,
we had to start over in that new grade, with
the new class, with the new teacher. So we all
have evidence of the ability to start over in spite
of nerves, of fear, of anxiety.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
We all did it.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
So remember your successes. We forget them, don't we. But
we've all done it. We've started over many times. But
when it comes to relationships, we start thinking, oh, I've
invested so much time, and then there's this sunk cost
fallacy that kicks in. I've already put in X amount
of years. I can't just walk way now. But time
(23:02):
spent in the wrong relationship doesn't justify sacrificing your health
and happiness, does it. We fear we don't won't find better, Perhaps,
especially after rejection, it's easy to believe.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
I'm going to call it a lie.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
If I was truly lovable, they wouldn't have left. That's
a lie, because you are lovable, and they didn't leave
because of you. They left because of something about them,
and that could be a whole show, but it does
leave you questioning your worth and thinking what if no
one else wants me?
Speaker 3 (23:42):
But the truth is, it's not that no one will
love you. It's that you.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
Haven't been loved the way you deserve yet. And yes,
part of that's your responsibility and accountability, and we're going
to get to that now. Loneliness feels unbearable. I know,
been there, but being alone can feel like a failure
or a punishment.
Speaker 3 (24:05):
I know.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
But sometimes loneliness is not a sign that you're doing
something wrong. It's a sign that you're finally making groom
for what's right. Can you try to see it that
way now? I think healing is all about cooperating with time.
(24:25):
So it's not about just being lonely and suffering through it.
It's about cooperating during that loneliness period to do the
reflection work and taking accountability and responsibility for your part
in a relationship, which might be holding on too long. Again,
we'll talk more in a moment, And why what is
it about me that stayed too long and held on,
(24:49):
ignored red flags, et cetera. That's the healing work for you,
that's the responsibility for you do. You have to allow
yourself time to do that and time to heal. Now,
sometimes our entire identity is tied to the relationship, and
you may not know who you are without being with
your person. The person you've labeled is that. But starting
(25:14):
over forces you to truly face yourself, and that's both
terrifying and incredibly powerful at the same time. There's no
greater work you'll do in your life than the work
of self discovery.
Speaker 3 (25:34):
I promise you that.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
But again, being alone does not mean you're unlovable. It
means you're brave enough to stop settling. It's not a
step backward. It's a clean page, a chance to choose
better and love deeper, and live more honestly, live more honestly.
I have so many people tell me they want to
live an authentic life, they want to have peace in
(25:58):
their lives. Okay, well you have to create that for yourself.
The time you spend in healing and rediscovering yourself and
reconnecting with what you truly want is not wasted, it's sacred. Okay,
So it's not starting over. Perhaps the reframe would be
(26:21):
it's starting with.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
You.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
You're not going back to square one. Really, you're bringing
new lessons, new clarity, new boundaries, perhaps new wisdom and
strength that you didn't have perhaps before the relationship that's ending.
Speaker 3 (26:41):
And this time.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
You're not abandoning yourself. You're committing to you. Now, let's
talk about self comparison, because that is such a big thing,
and it was in my conversation with Esthetician. You scrutinize
(27:04):
the partner's new person's appearance, their personality, their status, and
whatever it is that they have that you don't. Right,
so your ex's new relationship starts to really fell out,
to become evidence in proof of your inadequacy. It's look,
it's gut wrenching to see your ex move one, especially
(27:27):
if they do it quickly. Even worse if they did
it and then broke up with you or cheated on you.
It's even worse when they describe the new person as
more their type, as happened to her. She said, he
told me his new girlfriend is taller and skinnier, and
that he's always been attracted to that. Look.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Ouch.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
These kind of comments stick like emotional daggers, and you
start to internalize them, wondering what's wrong with you? So
our ego starts trying to make sense of rejection. It
starts looking for a reason, often in your appearance or personality,
and either you start making yourself the opposite of the
(28:20):
skinnier woman. You start eating more to prove you're not
good enough, you start not taking care of your body,
you start self betraying to prove that you weren't good enough,
(28:42):
or you do the opposite, You start competing and trying
to be the image he has put in front of
you that he's more intracted to. Comparison becomes a form
of self harm in some way, and it's disguised as
some kind of of self analysis, And of course social
(29:04):
media amplifies this wound, right all the smiles, the illusion
of perfect new relationships and the curated posts, and part
of cooperating with time to heal means you stop following
him or her. You stop checking out where they're going
and how they're spending their time together and relationship statuses.
(29:26):
I know it's hard to do. It's natural to be curious,
but you're not helping yourself heal.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
Now.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
Comparison can be a natural coping mechanism when facing rejection,
as that attempt to make sense of the pain, but
the mind is playing tricks, and it's going to have
you idealizing your ex and romanticizing him or her and
the relationship be hindsight, while brutalizing yourself for not being
(29:57):
the person you should have been those Have you ever
had those kind of thoughts instead those kinds of things
to yourself? It's not okay. So you've got to break
free from the comparison. You've got to reframe it. You've
got to recognize that their type or preference says nothing
about your worth. In fact, their preference is not a
(30:19):
measure of your worth. Not height, not weight, not size.
Nothing has to do with worth. Remember when I said
he's not good enough for her, and what I meant
by that because of his shallow criteria for a girlfriend.
(30:47):
It was about how she looked, not who she was.
That should not have been good enough for my esthetician.
That should have made him not good enough for her
criteria for a partner. What's your criteria for a partner?
(31:13):
So remember you're not in competition with their new partner.
They weren't right for you. If it's something like one
of these scenarios, and you have to remind yourself if
they can overlook your depth and.
Speaker 3 (31:26):
Loyalty and heart.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
They're not your person, so affirm your own value regardless
of their choice. All right, it's time for our second
commercial break. When we come back, let's talk about taking
responsibility without self blame and shame. Don'tko farr, We'll be
back with more self CPR.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Doctor RC will share extraordinary resources and services that promote
educational success as well as making a difference in the
lives of all social workers as well as the lives
of children, adolescents and teens of today. She will have
open discussions addressing many of the issues that we face
about our youth and how being employed in the uniquely
skilled profession of social work for over eighteen years has
(32:12):
taught invaluable lessons through her personal experiences. She will also
provide real life facts, examples, and personal stories that will
confirm that why serving as a child advocate is extremely
beneficial when addressing the needs of the whole child. Listen
Live to Dare to Soar Saturdays ten am Eastern on
the BBM Global Network and tune in radio as Doctor
(32:35):
RC will provide thought provoking information that will empower, encourage
and strengthen students, families and communities across our nation. You
can also visit her at soarwith Katie dot Com. Author,
radio show host, and coach John M. Hawkins reveals strategies
(32:56):
to help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity, achieve goals.
John M. Hawkins' new book Coached to Greatness Unlock Your
Full Potential with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe, Hawkins
reveals strategies to help readers accomplish more. He believes the
book can coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that the
(33:19):
best athletes get to the top of their sport with
the help of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares guidance
that helps readers reflect on what motivates them. We discover
and assess their core values, philosophies and competencies, find settings
that allow them to be the most productive, and track
their progress towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John Hawkins My
(33:42):
Strategy Saturdays one pm Eastern on the VBM Global Network
and tune in radio.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
Hello everyone, you're tuned in to sol CPR. I'm an
Papaoti on the Bold Brave TV Network. Today we're talking
about someone walking away from you even though you put
everything into the relationship. But you do have some responsibility
for having put everything into a relationship and staying perhaps
(34:18):
past its expiry date. Let's use those terms. So what
does it mean to own your choices? It means to
own them, but without self blaming and shaming acknowledging your
role in holding on too long. Let's talk about blame.
It may sound like it's my fault that he or
(34:41):
she left.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
It's my fault they left.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Responsibility, however, may sound like I ignored my own needs
and tried to save this relationship. There's a difference. So, Okay,
you stayed too long, you knew in your gut that
something was off, and you held on anyway. That doesn't
make you weak. It makes you someone who perhaps loved
(35:07):
with hope. How's that Hopefulness is all about believing that
they'll change or that your love would be enough. And
you may have feared abandonment or rejection, and that came
from somewhere in your past. That might be your responsibility
to look into healings so you don't repeat patterns in
(35:30):
future relationships. Right, maybe you lost yourself in the pursuit
of saving the relationship. So what do you need to
look at with that. Now, there's a fine line between
accountability and self blame. It can get blurred. So owning
the choice to stay without shaming.
Speaker 3 (35:51):
Yourself for it.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
You have to recognize the emotional investment as a sign
for your capacity to love. Okay, so you have a
great capacity to love. She's got to understand that staying
too long does not make you unworthy, and taking responsibility
is not about beating yourself up, but it is about
(36:13):
reclaiming your power. So here's where responsibility comes in. Knowing
that you can't control their actions, but you can choose
how you move forward. And that begins by letting go
of the self punishment and embracing this self compassion. It
begins by reflecting on where did you silence your intuition?
(36:37):
When did you first recognize something was off and you
ignored your gut? Notice where you first abandoned yourself so
that you could be chosen by someone else? Start practicing, now,
what honoring your elf looks like. It sounds like the
(37:04):
moment you take responsibility.
Speaker 3 (37:05):
For staying too long is the moment.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
You start taking your power back. Some of your reflection
is gonna be It felt like home, but it was
that chaos. I was used to it, control the roller,
the highs and lows. When it was good, it was good.
When it was bad, it was bad, but it always
came back to good. I learned the dance on the eggshells.
(37:31):
I got good at it.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
At least I wasn't alone. What is your truth?
Speaker 2 (37:39):
Sit with it, feel it, acknowledge it, and then take
responsibility for your healing so that you can break this
pattern of relationships or in relationships, so that you can
truly have a healthy, mutual, a mutually balanced, alined, healthy,
(38:00):
loving relationship because you can't have it. They do exist.
Speaker 3 (38:08):
Now when you are able to kind.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
Of let go of the relationship, even if they've left
you behind. Cause again, oftentimes they come back when the
next one doesn't work out. Why because you did what
you held on a long time, and we teach people
how to treat us. You have to break that cycle
(38:37):
of hope. If they come back, most likely it's not
going to be because they've changed. That's the truth. Now
I'm speaking in generalizations. There may be a situation where
someone's done their work and they truly want to get together.
(39:00):
Encourage you to do Couples counseling if they're willing to
do that, they're willing to sit with you, with someone
in a third chair that has an objective way of
looking at the two of you and your relationship to
help you come to terms with whatever broke you up
the first time, or the second time, or the multiple times,
(39:22):
whatever your history is. Now you have to recognize also
the difference between being missed and being valued, because being
missed feels good, doesn't it, And you might have dreamt
about that, and then you might feel good that they
(39:46):
chose you again after they were with someone else that
was skinnier and taller or whatever the description was, and
they're back. But what's the difference I miss you or
do they value I've experienced this and looking back, I
was glad that I shut the door and turned the lock.
(40:10):
How do you want to feel after they come back?
So I want to encourage you to choose yourself over
hope as well of their return, because if not, there's
going to be a lot of disappointment as well. Now,
creating space for self love and new experiences is going
(40:33):
to be very rewarding fulfilling in the future as you
rebuild your confidence and rewrite that inner narrative about what
actually went wrong, You're going to find your futures a
lot more fulfilling. Letting go is actually an act of
self respect and not failure. So I would encourage you
(40:56):
to find some empowering affirmations. Affirmations are those I am
statements often that feel very awkward in the beginning to
start saying them. But the more you practice in anything,
the better you perform, and the more comfortable you'll become
with them. So things like I am worthy of being
(41:17):
chosen every single day? What do you need to hear
even though you might not believe it yet repeatedly? That's
going to start changing what you think and feel and
therefore believe about yourself. Maybe it's something like they're leaving,
(41:37):
it's not my loss, it's my liberation.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
What is it?
Speaker 2 (41:44):
It takes some time in reflection to sit with yourself
to actually find these right and get to that place.
So letting go doesn't have to be about giving up.
It's about really taking yourself back. So do you hear
the difference in the empower of the language of the
wording you use with yourself. I'm going to let go
(42:06):
of hope, I'm going to let go of this person
who left me behind.
Speaker 3 (42:15):
I'm going to let go. And if they choose to return.
Speaker 2 (42:22):
To me, what am I prepared to face? How will
I greet that? What is my question? What do I
need to know? How do I need to think and feel?
Because some of that love, like sand, after release it
from my hand, will still be stuck there. Some of
(42:43):
my insecurities might still be stuck What might still be there?
So where do I need to be? What do I
need to have reflected on? Where do you want to be?
I can tell you when I had the situation where
someone came to my door.
Speaker 3 (43:00):
I did talk to them for a while.
Speaker 2 (43:02):
But it was very clear in a very short amount
of time that I was missed but not valued, And
I have no regrets for showing them back to the
door and locking it. So what do you want to have?
How do you want to feel should this statistically probability
(43:29):
happen in your life? All right, We're going to take
our third and final break, and when we come back,
I have some closing thoughts for you. Don't go far.
We'll be back with more soul.
Speaker 1 (43:41):
CPR author, radio show host and coach John M. Hawkins
reveal strategies to help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity,
achieve goals. John M. Hawkins new book Coach to Greatness
Unlock Your Full Potential with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe,
(44:06):
Hawkins reveals strategies to help readers accomplish more. He believes
the book can coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that
the best athletes get to the top of their sport
with the help of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares
guidance that helps readers reflect on what motivates them. We
discover and assess their core values, philosophies and competencies, find
(44:29):
settings that allow them to be the most productive, and
track their progress towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John hawkins
My Strategy Saturdays one pm Eastern on the BBM Global
Network and tune in Radio. Mike Zorich a three time
California state champion in Greco Roman wrestling at one hundred
(44:51):
and fourteen pounds. Mike blind Sid's birth was born in Hartford, Connecticut.
He was a six time national placer, including two two seconds,
two thirds, and two fourths. He also won the Veterans
Folk Style Wrestling twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds.
In all these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor.
(45:13):
Nancy Zurich a creative spirit whose talents have taken her
to the stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states.
Her father, a commercial artist who shared his instruments with
his daughter and helped her fine tune her natural abilities,
influenced her decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zurich
has enjoyed a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen
(45:36):
Saturday mornings at twelve Eastern for the Nancy and Mike
Show for heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM
Global Network.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
Welcome back everyone. If you gave your best to someone
who wasn't ready, able or willing to receive it, just
know that it doesn't make you foolish, it makes you human.
I think we've all probably experienced this at some point
on one level or another. How long we stayed has
a lot to do with how we grew up and
(46:12):
what we learned about love.
Speaker 3 (46:14):
But we can always.
Speaker 2 (46:15):
Change that, and I would encourage you to, of course
give yourself time to reflect, as I said, even give
yourself time to vent and to talk things out. With
someone who can be objective, because healing out loud per
the name of the show, is very powerful and it
can actually, I think, sort of short circuit a lot
(46:39):
of the processing that has to be done. It really
speeds things up if you will so anyway, if you
hope that they're going to return, I think that's one
way that people get stuck in emotional limbo. So I
think letting go of hope is one of my key
takeaways for you, and again to ask yourself self if
(47:01):
they come back, would anything really be different or would
it just continue to delay or impair the healing that
I'm trying to engage in. I want you to know
you can still love someone and let them go. You
can miss them and still move on, and you may
(47:24):
have been left behind, but that again does not mean
you have to be left broken. And I always think
about some of the most beautiful art creations that I've
ever seen or made of shattered tiles and glass mosaics
and stained glass windows come to mind, and you, too
(47:44):
are a masterpiece, and only you can choose to put
yourself back together again and heal. So again, letting go
isn't about giving up on love. It's about giving yourself
the love that you keep giving a way. Now, I
(48:05):
want to reassure you that healing does happen in it. Again,
it is about cooperating with time and that you're not
alone in this journey. So be gentle with yourselves if
this is something that you're experiencing and going through, and
trust that letting go does make room for the right love.
And the right love is one that's going to choose
(48:26):
you every time. Value you, respect you and Dan. Can
we put the QR code up and the website so
know that if you need help in this journey, that's
not unusual either. You can reach out to me at
skybewcoaching dot com if we get my QR code up there.
(48:51):
If you are viewing this, you can always scan the
QR code as well social Thank you Dan. You can
connect with me on social media on Facebook, skyview Coaching
on Instagram, LinkedIn and x It's going to be at
en Papayote. I will be working to try to get
that link up for the downloadable pdf to guide you
(49:13):
through some reflections, and I'll let you know when that
is available. You can check back on any of the
links any of the platforms and see if that link
is up for episode number fifty four, which this one is.
And as this episode of SOLCPR comes to a close,
remember that healing is not a linear journey. It is
a process of profound transformation. And if today's episode resonated
(49:37):
with you, please share it with others so that they
can perhaps use this as a lifeline of their own
and subscribe, rate and leave us a review to help
us reach more hearts. We greatly appreciate it, and let
me know the stories and the topics that you'd like
us to address here on sol CPR Healing out Loud,
because this show is for you and I would love
(49:58):
to help make that happen and for you, And as always,
I thank you for listening. Until next time, May you
find strengthen your vulnerability and courage in your journey. Pree deeply,
love openly, and live soulfully.
Speaker 3 (50:14):
Good day everyone.
Speaker 1 (50:18):
This has been sole CPR with host and Papa Yode
breathe life back into your spirit with each episode where
she and special guests explore the relationships that hurt us
and discover that healing can only begin with you. Tuesdays
at three pm Eastern on The Bold Brave TV network,
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