May 4, 2023 • 64 mins
Follow the podcast https://linktr.ee/takeupspacepod
Be sure to follow Jason! https://www.instagram.com/jj_newberry/ https://vsco.co/jjnewberry/gallery https://twitter.com/JJ_Newberry https://www.tiktok.com/@jj_newberry
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/take-up-space-podcast--5182502/support.
Be sure to follow Jason! https://www.instagram.com/jj_newberry/ https://vsco.co/jjnewberry/gallery https://twitter.com/JJ_Newberry https://www.tiktok.com/@jj_newberry
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/take-up-space-podcast--5182502/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
O gay. When is the lasttime you did something for the first time?
Um, maybe about two weeks ago? Okay. Can I ask a
clarifying question, um, what itlike? Are the parameters for like it
(00:20):
has to be something brand new oris it just something new to me?
What something new to you? Likeif you were skydiving that is new to
you even though people have been skyedout for years. Yeah, okay,
Um, I guards ask these questions. It just really thrown me off.
(00:43):
So I guess I'll go with Idon't know. I did morning yoga for
like the like a full morning yogaroutine for the first time today, So
that's that's something. There was alot of um grumbling on my part.
I was furious, slightly furious,um because I was so frustrated with how
(01:07):
many um down dogs they had todo in that one with the shoulders on
the ground and the button. Yeah, my shoulders are really stiff in the
morning, And so there was alot of me just being like, oh,
come on again, really come on, and that's keep reminding myself,
like, no, trust the process, Jason. This is supposed to calm,
(01:30):
calm down, calm calm So yeah, I did that this morning.
So that felt good after all myfrustrations. Is there Is it something that
you would do again? I thinkso. Um, I think I would
want to get up a little earlierfirst, to maybe get some tea into
(01:53):
my body first and just loosen mybody up and just throw my arms around
itself and just loosen up first insteadof wake up. Yeah. Plus,
I will want to make sure Ifind some routines that are more tailored for
the morning, because I think thiswas just like a slow, slow flow
(02:14):
type thing where it was just itwas slower than what I would normally do,
so it wasn't as much sweating andstuff, but it was still um
more, it required more endurance thanmy um my morning fiber malagy body can
can maintain for long periods of time. But I made it through thirty minutes.
(02:36):
I did it. Look at you, Look at you. You know
I'm gonna bounce back, bounce back, bounce back. What's yours? Um?
So I was thinking, I wasactually thinking about this, um right
before we started recording. And Ithink the last thing that I can remember
doing for the first time is hostinga game night in person game night.
(02:58):
UM. I typically do it itvirtually because I have to do it.
I work all of them, butwe did it a lot during the pandemic.
But hosting an in person one somuch better, so much better.
I've been to a few obviously withyou all, but hosting I like hosting.
I made rice with some salmon.They brought their own kind of like
(03:22):
everybody brought out sacks, like someonebrought cookie, someone brought popcorn, someone
brought juice. And just having mysisters come over to have a game night,
eating and all that kind of stuff, Like it was just it was
just really cool to me. Soit's definitely something I would want to do
again. I'm always like I've alwayslike dreamed about having a bunch of people
(03:45):
over and doing game night, whetherit's couples, whether it's friends, whether
it's people from church, whatever thecase. But actually doing it, getting
to do it, I was justlike, Okay, So I just texted
my sisters in propty game night tomorrow. They're like, I'm in what's so
stay? Like it was just reallycool. I really I would want to
do it again. I loved that. For you've been talking about you have
(04:10):
been talking about doing game nights,like having people over and just having like
the bustle in your places that you'vebeen at for basically every single place that
you've had since you like have startedgallavanting around the United States gallavanting, gallivanting.
True, And even those game nightsthat I where I got the clubhouse,
(04:33):
it was my other friends who broughtgames, who hosted. I just
made them. Yeah yeah. Butto have them in your space and you
sort of um being the host,being able to host like that and host
your sisters and stuff like that,I know that's that's big for you.
Yeah. I'm happy for you becauseyou go to jocks Lands I do,
(04:55):
and she has some really great drinks, great games. It's always it's always
a lot of laughs. It's alwaysa lot of laughs. I love it.
Thank you everyone for tuning in toanother episode to take a Space podcast.
I am your hostly and joined bymy cour star Cold Quoi Star co
star cool Star Corners, joined bymy co star Jason. Actually, I
(05:17):
would like to be known as acoy star. To be coy I couldn't
decide if I was thinking COI fishor a coy person. Oh, I
don't think of myself as very fishy, So I am going with person c
(05:39):
O y are you? Are younot a pissy stuff? I am through
and through through the water, throughthe water, through the water. I
mean, so, let me tellyou about this I so, umm,
I was talking about this person andshe shall remain anonymous, but quick disclaimer
(06:08):
for the record. I she toldme maybe two lines of whatever she said
that she's gonna talk about today.So this is one of the first times
that I'm going into this blind.So I'm gonna find stuff out. You
always go into the why are youacting? Why are you acting? So
brand new? This is a differentlevel. We didn't even have a debriefing
before this really, so all right, So I'm talking to her and she's
(06:34):
kind of she says, let mevent now. We know when it comes
to people, people are just gonnabe out here people because that's who they
are. Some people are good,Some people are complex. Some people are
just straight up trash, just likeJackie from Love is Blind. But we're
not gonna We're not gonna get intoLove is Blind right now. Um,
some people, some people have trashattitudes. Some people have really good attitudes
(06:58):
but really trash behavior. So uh, some people. You know, there's
there's complexity to this human experience.But one of the things where it hurts
the most is when you're seeking helpfrom someone, whether it's mental health,
whether it's medical health, whether it'syou know, wellness, fitness, or
even getting a job. Like weknow there's people are trash, but that
(07:23):
shouldn't stop you from pursuing your goals. And the reason why I want to
talk about this experience is because ifyou're if it's your first time seeking therapy,
you know it can seem overwhelming.But like we say on the show,
therapy, finding a good therapist isjust like dating. It's it's you
gotta find who works with you.So I'm gonna start. I'm gonna start
(07:46):
by telling you her grievances up frontbefore we get deeper into it. Okay,
okay. So so essentially she's thetherapist for ten years, which let
me ask you, how many yearsdo you typically stay with a therapist or
(08:07):
months or what is your what isyour time frame typically with a therapist.
I personally, I'm not opposed topeople being I'm not somebody's but oh,
you should change therapist every blah blahblah. The longest that I had one,
um so my previous one, I'veonly had two therapists. So my
previous one that I don't he wasmy therapist for six years, five years.
(08:31):
Five years, didn't see any reallysee that much um growth from my
part, didn't really progress after fiveyears. Yeah, we'll get What was
it like during the tell end orthroughout the whole process that I didn't feel
like anything was really happening? Yeah, basically throughout the entire process. Why
(08:52):
did you keep going because it wascheap? And remember I don't, Yeah,
that's what That's what happened. Itwould turn into me venting, but
him not taking what I vented aboutand working with it to push me to
be more. Long story short,I ended up dumping that therapist because of
(09:16):
how he consoled me after my auntdied. I think I've told you about
that before, whereas like people die. Yeah. Yeah, So my current
therapists have been seeing since twenty nineteen, so about four years. But I
see there's been so much growth,like from the very beginning. And I'll
(09:39):
get into details later on, whichis how I know that it's the right
fit for me. But yeah,five years for the longest, but yeah,
not ten years. If I could, I imagine being seeing that therapist
for ten years that is the relationshipand listening to him vent about his life
(10:00):
the way that he was venting abouthis life. See so okay, so
wait, let's quick aside. Yeah, when you're going to therapy, sometimes
therapy therapists will open up with whoare you, where do you work?
What do you do? Um?How long have you been in the area
you know? What is your familylife like, what is your home life
like m, what is your networkingstructure like your friends and associates, things
(10:22):
like that, um, And thenthey'll ask you that question why are you
here and what are your goals ofof this session? When I first had
a therapist, I didn't know howto answer that question, like what are
you here for? I am frustratedin my life and I don't know what
to do. And some some therapistsare really great at asking those probing questions
(10:43):
of just like, so tell meabout your day, what's what are you
saying this frustrating about your entire lifethat you're here? Um? Other therapists,
like yours would be like, ohthat sucks, um, yeah,
what else you Yeah? The firstguy I started seeing him when I was
(11:05):
unemployed, but like I had beenunemployed for a year, I was just
starting a master's program and then therewas some family stuff that was going on
that really drummed up a lot ofemotions and stuff from that I had just
not dealt with even from childhood andstuff, and so it was a perfect
time where there was just a clear, explicit issue for me to deal with,
(11:30):
and so we sort of worked throughthat at first, and then the
family situation got sort of normalizing,stuff, everything got back to normal.
But then that's when it started tosort of change into the dynamics started to
shift where I felt more of likea caretaker and lapsing into that role.
With my second therapist, he waslike from the outset, he noticed that
(11:52):
I was a sensitive person. Henoticed just based on the family history.
Because just to add context, I'vealways been extremely open about how like stuff
that happened in my childhood and meunderstanding that even if I didn't know how
to navigate out of it, Iknew that certain things were sitting with me
(12:13):
in ways that I didn't like thatI wanted to fix, right, So
I was very open about that atthe first session for my second therapist,
and we started working on that stuffright away. So I've always been very
open about what I know, whatI want to fix. It's just a
matter of can you help me fixit? Well, so I don't really
(12:39):
say fix. I don't think thattherapists are necessarily fixers. Yeah, I
think that they expose a lot.But what I have learned to do is
ask the therapist what kind of Thegreat thing is you can look them up
to see what their specialties are.So if you think you're dealing with anxiety
or some behavioral disorder, moved disorder, whatever the case may be, or
(13:03):
if you need a counselor like,you can look up their information on your
health site or for psychology today tofind out who they typically deal with.
Because I wouldn't want to go toa person who deals with geriatric patients because
there that's not their specialty. I'mnot going to go with somebody who deals
with teens either, right, becausethat was part of the reason why the
(13:24):
first errors didn't work out, becauseyeah, it was cheap, but under
the things that he had listed,um, like gambling was his specialty.
So yeah, but then also therewas like depression and anxiety, that kind
of thing. So I just wentwith that one because it was he had
a sliding scale, and he wasnice, but it no see him doing
(13:48):
the people please your things where I'mtrying to make excuse, don't try to
you know, kind of protect hisimage. Yeah, yeah, I look
get it more of not fixing itsprocessing just okay, how can I have
reacted to whatever I've just vented about, Like I clearly my body had a
(14:11):
reaction to it, my mind hada reaction to it, my mouth had
a reaction to it at some pointbecause probably said something I that I could
have said more tactfully in the moment. Those moments happen, They definitely happen.
But I look at it more oflike at this point, with my
journey of organizing my mind and stuff, it's more of how can I process
(14:37):
the world, and how can Iapproach the world as a sensitive extremely sensitive
and stay in tune with it,but also make sure that I'm protecting myself
in the process and prioritizing myself inthe process. And so that's what most
of my sessions have turned into atthis point, because I've done all this
stuff to not be depressed, notbe anxious all the time stuff, and
(15:00):
now it's just a matter of beingbeing um more what's the word more picky.
I guess more picky about how Iuse my sensitivity. Yeah, how
like putting probes out consciously putting probesout into the world instead of just letting
stuff hit me. M. Yeah, that's that's really good. When I
(15:22):
like, I just got a newtherapist. And for the last two therapists
that I've had and I had mytherapists are mostly situational. Um. I'm
the kind of hop because I movearound a lot. I can't really keep
the same therapist because they're not licensedin the same state all the time.
And I had a black therapist forlike half a day and when he realized
(15:45):
he was like, oh, wait, you moved to Washington. I was
like yeah. He was like,I can't do a session with you until
you're back in the state of NorthCarolina. And I was like, but
you're black and the man and Ihaven't heard your perspective yet. Um so
um. But what I but whatI do is I like to find out
(16:08):
what their specialties are and then mything I have learned how to, um,
how to advise a therapist. Soit kind of like sets the tone.
I don't need you to fix me. I don't need you to come
in to tell me what to do, but I would like to gain more
tools and resources that could help meidentify how to work through a depressive episode,
(16:36):
how to work through an anxiety attack, how to work through a difficult
situation where Um, maybe I wantto be angry, I want to be
passionate. I want to pop offon someone because this thing has made my
blood boil. And maybe that's notthe right thing to do, because that's
not the image I want to project. So I let them know, like,
(16:56):
yes, I want to. Iwant to get some more tools and
sources, like I really need aspace event because this thing is happening right
now and life in real time.But I eventually want to get to the
point where I can work through thingslike this, Um, after I've talked
about it, because we can talkabout talk about talk about it, but
(17:17):
I want to I want to havea better understanding, give me a different
a different perspective. I've had whitetherapists. I had the wood black one
that doesn't even count because we didn'teven do a session. He just did
the intake. Um, I hadthe one that got away. Yeah,
(17:41):
but now I have a black oneand she's and I have to just keep
reminding myself to trust the process becauseI'm just like I don't I don't want
to do a hell of letter.I don't want to write to myself.
Like, yes, I've fallen offof journaling. Thank you for reminding me
of that. I talk to myselfquite a bit. Is your current one
you go in person? Three sessions? Right? No? No, it's
(18:03):
virtual. Yeah, it's virtual.Um My, the therapist that I had,
I think that was most impactful.She was so sweet, um and
she she was in Washington and shewas a cognitive behavioral therapist. So I
told her, I said, Iam having negative thoughts that I need somebody
(18:23):
to interrupt the cycle before it turnsinto a downward spiral. And when I
tell you, she asks the rightquestions at the right time, and it
will always trigger an emotional response.Every time she asked me a question,
I would why would you ask methat right now? Or I would get
(18:45):
really like I would get really inmy feelings and feel And we recorded a
few sessions after and that's why wehave to change our meeting times, because
we would have therapy sessions and thena recording session and I'm just too broad
too. I'm just too no,I can't know, I know, And
so I really loved her. Ireally like this new therapist too, Like
(19:07):
she's she's really she lets she letsit be silent without it being awkward.
Yeah, so if I need toprocess something, she'll just let let us
sit in silence for a minute.There's beauty and silence. Oh, absolutely
absolutely. But yeah, I wouldjust say that if you when you do
(19:29):
go to therapy, when you dostart seeking a therapist, you know,
do a brief confrontation on the phone, ask them questions about what they offer
to figure out and even if youdon't know what you need, they should
be able to ask you questions toguide you and let you know. And
sometimes they have they're part of networksthat they can like. Actually, so
and so takes your insurance and sheactually more in lines better with what you
(19:49):
need. Some people like like thesame people from the same cultural background.
But staying with a therapist for tenyears, I feel like I would have
experience it's growth and need to moveon. If my therapist is not growing
with me, Yeah, you know, you got you gotta move on.
That's one of the things that Ilike about my current therapist is that he
(20:12):
is open with me about the journeythat he's on and the things that he's
trying out and suggesting for me.Tell me about his history because he's like
exactly ten years older than me,so he has like, yeah, it's
just a perfect match where it's likehe's a sensitive person. He's navigated a
(20:32):
lot of the issues that I've dealtwith, and so he's just this is
what I tried, this is whatdidn't work for me. Yeah, this
is what I tried. So it'smore of just like a more of an
exchange instead of just me dumping andthen him just telling me, oh you
did this, writer, oh youdid this, or try this that kind
of thing. Yeah, it's kindof fits even like my teaching style.
(20:53):
I think that's why it's such agood fit for me, because it's more
of an exchange than just what Freerrecalls the dumping method. I guess,
Yeah, I don't need to justcome and like make deposits all the time
like I need to. I needI like having the feedback to kind of
(21:14):
like talk through Yeah, because inthat moment I'm not talking, I'm feeling
a lot of things and sometimes Ineed to just sort through to get to
the point of rounding where I canbe like, Okay, this is what's
real, these are the facts.But then that also gives me in trouble
because I'm more analytical and my feelingsdo not make sense, and so getting
(21:41):
realizing, yes, you are moreanalytical. But as I'm delving into my
feelings, I have realized that,yeah, like, even though I present
such a hard exterior, I ama very sensitive well not I won't say
very sensitive. I am a sensitiveperson that has massed as the woman.
(22:02):
Yeah, um, just just asa protective layer. But I realized like,
no, you're you're safe. Youcan you can be that if somebody
hurts your feelings, it's okay tolet them know, like, hey,
I don't like what you did.I'm not at the point of crying it
in front of people because they hurtmy feelings. But I'm learning that it's
(22:22):
okay to have these feelings. It'sokay to be hurt that somebody hurts your
feelings, Like you don't have tojust like rub dirt in it and keep
it pushing, Like no, it'slike, oh, you're just being sensitive.
Yeah, I am being sensitive andI'm letting you know my feelings.
Let me let me feel my feelings, because it works. It works both
ways. What I noticed that inprevious relationships, um and people can say
(22:47):
it's the Aquarius of me whatever thekids would be. But UM, I
become emotionally detached very quickly. IfI don't like what someone's doing, I
will just be like, nope,I'm not giving any more emotional energy to
this thing. Um, I am. I may be physically present, but
there's there's nothing here, um And, so I will so I will detach
(23:11):
to protect myself. But it's okayto feel real feelings for other people.
And there people are going to people. That's how they do. People.
People be people and so UM,it's not what I've learned is it's not
Um, It's not whether or notI can trust this person. It's whether
(23:37):
or not I can trust myself toheal after this person has intentionally or unintentionally
hurt me. If this person intentionallyor unintentionally crosses a boundary, if this
person, you know, does somethingso egregious, Am I gonna be okay
after the fact, And I realizelike, yeah, like I'm a very
(23:57):
resilient person. I can do this. I've survived the work right, Like
I'm like, I'm good. Likeit's like it's and it's not just about
like cutting people off to cut peopleoff. But I find that the growth
is in addressing the situation, youknow, if it calls for it,
like, hey, I don't reallycare for the way that you act or
what you said, and I wouldappreciate it if you don't talk like that
(24:22):
in my presence. And if thatperson's character is you know, doesn't align
with mine, their path is inaligne with mine, It's okay when go
our separate, it's without me feelingresentment towards man. How come you can't
get you stuff together. We couldhave been out here doing this thing and
doing that thing. And I wantto go to happy hour. I want
to make money. I want todo this. It's like, no,
I don't have to say attached tothis person because I'm hanging my hat on
(24:45):
their being there for me. Yeah, I would love to go to happy
hour. I would love to bea happy hour. Yeah. I want
you to tell me about, um, this friend not we were circling back.
Yeah, um, but the deal. So here's the thing. So
(25:07):
she's been with a therapist for tenyears, right, and the therapist as
of the last like i'll say sixto eight months, has been very flaky.
Um. This person would this personwould last minute say oh, I
can't make my session today because mycow is like ill, or I have
(25:33):
to be at a vet appointment,even though the vet is coming to me
to help me take care of myfarm. Or um, I completely forgot
about it, like I'm going througha lot with my family, and turns
that into a betting session for thetherapist. And I'm like, so,
why are you stilling her? Howmany? How many appointments have have you?
(25:56):
Um? Have you missed? Shewas like, oh, you know,
like the last six appointments whatever thecase should be. Nahoum. One
man's like okay, yeah, Iunderstand. Two is oh are you doing
something to take care of this?And three is like okay, that's the
cut off. And I'll be honestwith y'all. The numbers are not correct
them going off a memory, soso, but this is a situation.
(26:18):
But no, it was something likesix, It was something. It was
something wild, right, and sheis insane, That's what I'm saying.
I'm just like, if you myI think my thing is what the icing
on the cake to me was whenshe when the friend called to say,
you know, hey, I won'tbe able to make my appointment because I
(26:38):
don't UM, I won't be ableto make my point today. She just
didn't want to do it. She'sat the end of her rope. She's
done with this therapist. But um, at first she didn't want to.
She didn't want to leave because she'sbeen there for so long. And I
was like, can we stop withthe time fallacy. Just because you've been
doing this for so long does notmean that this is right, Like this
(27:00):
person is not helping you, likeyou're going through like she she was going
through some stuff at work and thetherapist, according to her, because she's
leaving me a voice note, shesays, the therapist goes, oh my
gosh, like, yes, yougo through stuff at work. At least
you have a job. And Iwas like, oh wow, your therapist,
(27:22):
s amistain. She would not bemy therapist anyboard. And she would
be reported like we're not we're notdoing this, We're not. No no.
It minimizes your feelings, minimizes youryour being. No no, and
(27:44):
she and and she kept saying like, it's weird, right, it's weird,
right, And I was like,why are you still entertaining? So
so we get to the point whereshe's like at the end of her rope
and she's she's like, no,I have I have an appointment coming up.
And I was like, don't evendon't even waste your time. So
(28:07):
she so the therapist calls her andwas like, I know I missed so
many other appointments, but um,but but we're still on for you know,
like Tuesday or whatever. And she'slike actually, and it was the
next day she was like, actually, I'm gonna need to cancel. She
was like, oh, it's aneighty dollars fee if you cancel, but
it's a zero dollars fee if youreschedule. I said, girl, I
would reschedule the canceled because no,absolutely not, Like why is she is
(28:32):
she paid you eighty dollars whenever shecancels last minute. And she was just
like she was like, I know, right, I mean hyping people up
an over eon light. It's perspective. You're giving her perspective. I'm like,
all these times she's canceled on youbecause of her dog needing shots in
(28:53):
the farm that she has in herbackyard. Who no, no. So
so it comes to the point ofher actually ending the relationship. She she
tells the therapist, Hey, thisis not working out. I want to
find someone else. This therapist goesinto this very toxic it is not funny.
(29:19):
It's not funny, but it's funnyif that. Um, this therapist
goes into this very toxic mode.Um, please don't leave. Is it
something that I did? How canI fix it? I know that I
have been flaky for the last andyou're like, so you do recognize your
behavior. I've been I've been flakyfor the last X y Z times.
(29:40):
Um, but you know, it'sjust a lot going on in my life
right now, and I really can'tafford to lose any clients. Oh oh,
she so I really need to go. Okay, she doesn't really want
to help her. She just wantsto cash. She doesn't even want the
facade of helping her. So thenshe's like, I'll give you a discount
(30:03):
if you stay. I'll come youknow, one or two sessions. Um,
please tell me what I need todo. And then this is the
part that gets me, because nowshe turns into a fortune teller. She
says, I have been thinking aboutwhat you have been going through. I
remember this part. I have beenthinking about what you have been going through,
and I have some really good thoughts, resources and or tools to help
(30:29):
you manage it, and I wantedto talk about it in our next session.
Hold on a minute. Three months. Wait a minute, Wait a
minute, Wait a minute, waita minute. So she wait she so,
she realizes her behavior is trash.She realizes that her behavior is causing
(30:51):
a negative um, it's having anegative impact on your relationship. She realizes
that she's the problem. But andshe and obviously she has been somewhat listening
to you because now because now thisis why it's hard to stay with you
for a long time. When Isay this is a bad breakup. When
(31:14):
I when I say this is abad breakup, this lady says, well,
the issues like and it's a veryspecific triggering issue. I understand this
very specific issue that you've had withyour family is probably flair. It's probably
um triggering something else. So let'stalk about that. And I was like,
(31:40):
ho ho ho hoh hoh. Youcan't bring up my triggers and act
like you can. You can magically, like you have the potion to resolve
it if I just schedule another sessionwith you and I and I'm like coaching
her the whole time. I'm like, please, don't, don't, please,
do not buy into it. Ifshe had all this information before,
she withholding it. If she hadthe information before, she's withholding it,
(32:05):
she's a terrible person one or orshe has no information. She's just trying
to bait you to stay, andshe's immersing your past in the hopes of
keeping you in because she has somuch information on you. And she was
just like, yeah, I thinkI just need to I need to go.
I said, don't answer anymore ofher text And this lady been blowing
(32:25):
her up when I say it turnedinto such a toxic therapy client relationship where
the therapist is more worried about keepingclients on her books than she is about
helping people. I'm like, ifshe was a good therapist, you don't
have to worry about clients self payer. Otherwise, it's okay to lie
(32:49):
sometimes, like as someone who istrying to feign compassion for this patient that
clearly is at the end of arope, who probably has not been prioritized
in a lot of situations and stuffin her life, and it feels like
she's not being prioritized now. Andyou tell them, please, I can't
(33:09):
afford for you to leave. Oh, I'm like, how you really had
the golf to say that, Likeyou could even say, I've seen you
grow so much and I feel likewe can go even further and take you
to the next level. I'm sorry, Let's see how we can meet the
impact or come to some kind ofagreement something that balances works with you and
(33:35):
make sure that you feel like you'rea priority that should write pr statements for
people. She didn't, she didn'tcare, She didn't she didn't know.
What she saw was the light bill. Yeah, there was no compassion.
And I'm like, so you knewyour behavior was trash and you were just
hoping that because I have spent somuch time with you, that I would
(33:55):
be the tried and truant day.And she was just like, you know,
I just feel you know, Ireally don't want you to go.
And then then when when she stoppedresponding, um, when when a friend
of mine stopped responding, the therapistis like, well, I can help
me find another therapist. No.No. I was like, please do.
She's going to do everything she canto get you to respond. Well,
(34:20):
let's let's just have an exit.Let's just have an exit appointment.
No no, I was like,this is this is so weird like that.
So I'm like, people just people. People, People just be people
and as they people, and Ijust lie to me. I think I've
(34:44):
said that before. I think we'vetalked about that before, probably not in
detail, but yeah, lying isbad, okay, yeah, yeah yeah.
But if you're trying to get something, maybe this is the writer in
me speaking the writing teacher. Ifyou're trying to persuade somebody to stay,
don't throw the least human thing.How am I supposed to care about your
(35:08):
bills? If you keep canceling thesessions and not getting the money from me,
and you're not even coming to thesessions to get the money from me,
your story is not even matching up, cowgirl. So my thing is
this, So this person is um, this therapist is so concerned about having
(35:30):
her bills paying and keep her clientson and I'm just going through so much.
A healthy therapist, a healthy personwould say, hey, I do
want to keep this thing going.I do want to, you know,
pour into my business whatever the casemay be, but I am not in
a place to do that right now. Yes I need the money, but
(35:51):
maybe I need but babe need.Taking a step back is going to help
me to come back stronger. Becauseif you're in a if you're in the
service business and you're not able toserve your clientele, your community, um,
your patrons, whatever, then you'redoing good disservice to everyone by being
(36:16):
bad at your job, especially ifyou're leaning on your patron and basically the
dynamic has completely shifted to where you'reventing to your patient. That's like me
going to a massage therapist and themassage therapist asking me to this little chink
out of their hands, just gettingright there. Yeah, I'm trying to
(36:37):
get here. You're trying to getyour knots out. But in order to
get your knots out, I needyou to go ahead and help. Right,
you're going for expertise, not evennot even service. You're going for
certain expertise to certain rights. Yougo there for expertise and guidance, and
it's being completely flipped where I'm payingyou to hear your problems. Yeah,
(36:58):
like and I'm just like, ifyou if you voiced a concern, your
therapist should be compassionate above all else. Yeah, they could be. They
should be compassionate. You shouldn't haveto you shouldn't come in complaining about you
know, even if it is acomplaint, even if it does sound like
you're whinding, even if it doessound like, um, it's a small
thing, it's a very real thingto you. You know, Like even
(37:22):
if a kid is crying because youknow they they're crying because there's no more
muffins in the bag because they ateall the muffins, that's a very real
thing for them. They're like,oh my gosh, like there's no more
muffins, and they may cry itout and you may have to sit there
and talk with them about it.Whatever. The kids in be but it's
but it's very It can be verydangerous for people who are not at who
(37:44):
are not um, who are whoare at a breaking point if they don't
receive that kind of compassion. Yeah, And I think that when you're in
a position like that, you shouldbe compassionate in your job. And if
you can't show up as I'm compassionatetoday, just like me, if I
show up and I'm not focused today. I'm no good to anyone, Like
(38:07):
I'm messing up her horse left andright because I'm not focused. And that's
the four of my job. Right. Where's the money? Right? What
do you mean you put it inthis account? That's not even the right
customer? So I was distracted tohave so much going on. My cow
is sick and right, like whowe're not minimizing trust, We're not minimizing
(38:29):
the therapist what she has going on. It's the fact that it's impacting somebody
who is going to this therapist fora specific service, right therapist. If
anything, maybe after three concis twoor three council appointments, maybe they should
have been up from with the personand just be like, hey, I
(38:49):
have a lot going on. Ithink we need to hold off on sessions
for now. Maybe I can bookyou with or can help you find somebody
else to work with for a fewweeks while I'm managing my own stuff.
But to just sort of um dragthem on and lead the lead the patient
on for this long, it's justcome on, lie to me. Just
(39:13):
don't see me as Comcast as theComcast bill right, right, I'll be
able to take care of this,and I want to get this new couch
and I want to do not sayingthat, or it could be medicine for
any of the farm animals, likewhatever the case, Like it's it's not
it's not right to treat someone assimply a patriot. You should treat your
(39:35):
service as something that you are givingto its utmost degree. Right, you
should be offering this like it's Itmay not be Platinum star every time.
Maybe you get gold star service,right, but if you're if you're trailing
into the bronze consistently, like it'stime to step back. Silver is okay,
(39:57):
everyone's but you need to do youryou need to be doing especially in
that field where with where we arenow, it's too it's too sensitive of
a feel to be that flippant abouthow you are caring for people. Really,
like I say it sometimes as students, like maybe I shouldn't say like
I don't get paid enough, likethat's out of my pay grade certain things.
(40:22):
But I'm not in an industry whereit could be life or death,
where it's people unpacking stuff from theirchildhood and stuff, and where I could
possibly be reinforcing patterns that maybe wespent ten years trying to unpack and you're
just sort of stepping the back.Yeah. But that also like what I
(40:43):
was listening to her her sound,because most of this stuff is some texts
and it's it's just like I'm justlike shocked emoji and shocked gifts. Like
I'm just like, Okay, clearly, clearly you have boundaries that are being
crossed, and um, they maynot be erected as boundaries, but you
(41:07):
you realize there are things she's doingthat you don't like. It's time to
enforce those boundaries, man like andand for those who haven't heard, like
previous episodes, when I say boundaries, these are not to give um to
tell people how to act. They'renot rich for other people. It's there
(41:28):
there how you will react in asituation if somebody is, for instance,
talking about your mom and you're like, no, that's a no. Guy.
Understand that you're setting for yourself now. Really for everyone else, she
may have had just a shack,maybe she has some milk crates set up
as her fence, but it's there. She can see the perimeter there,
and she sees like, okay,this person is crossing over this line that
(41:51):
I've drawn in the sand, andshe's just sort of letting just lie to
me. That's right, No,because I think in order to lie,
there has to be a level ofcare, like when people like it's it's
sad to say it like that,but that's what it is. I feel
like, especially in in friendships andromantic relationships and relationships, people lie because
(42:16):
they care and they don't want tosee even hurt. YEA, there is
on the flip side, sometimes peoplelie. Sometimes people lie because they don't
want to They know that they're theones who are going to have to deal
with the fallout of yours. SoI feel like there's there's a balance to
(42:38):
it. Yeah, But a lotof times when people do lie to you,
when people do try to withhold truthor you know, truth by lie,
by omission, whatever the case,they're like, you know, you
don't really need to know that rightnow, you'll know it on that more
need to know base. Yeah.I feel like I feel like when people
(43:05):
like I'm I feel like when peoplehave to figure out a way to approach
a situation, it's good to becompassionate or empathetic to say, dang,
I have I have done something tothis person, or this person may feel
(43:30):
a certain way about our interaction andit's not my fault. But it's good
as a human person to say that, like um, that it's it's important
to understand that it takes a lotto be vulnerable. So when someone tells
you how they feel, that's avulnerability, right, because that can be
(43:52):
used to fins them. So it'speople in the chat with us now,
it's people here with us now.No people know this episode, no,
because okay, So in leadership,sometimes there's things that you have to withhold
(44:15):
and there's sometimes you have to likesometimes you show your hands, sometimes you
only show part of your hand.Sometimes you have to say I hear you.
I understand where you're coming from.The work still needs to get done,
right. You may not like washingdishes, but on this shift at
this Starbucks, you are dishwasher.Right now, I got you. You
(44:38):
need you need help reorganizing the sanitizer, I got you. But right now,
in this shift you're washing dishes.We're breaking down everything else. Because
the last time we actually to mopthe floor, you missed half the floor.
You didn't sweep, the floor wasn'tclean. It was very sticky in
the morning. So guess what,you're not on the mop anymore. I
(45:01):
hate sticky floors. So you're backhere washing dishes because you do dishes well
and so so I think that it'smore of a point. It's not really
a lie. It's stretching the struthof just like, hey, so right
now, we don't have the capacityto wait for you to mop the floor
for an hour thirty minutes. Somebodyelse can get done in thirty minutes.
(45:22):
And you knock out dishes very quickly. I know you don't like them,
that's why you use them very quickly. But once you do them, you're
good. I have lotion on deckfor you. I have Aqua four if
you need it to make sure yourhands aren't dry. I got gloves for
you. Let me know what youneed. If you need another apron to
help you get through. Got you, I understand. But you are not
the floor mopper. You are thedishwasher. Yeah, it's just like with
(45:45):
group work. You play to people'sstrengths. You. Yes, absolutely see,
I don't consider We're not gonna getoff topic here, but I don't
consider those lies. I think that'smore so just emphasizing people's strengths. So
like, okay, if that personis a stronger dishwasher than they are,
if they're crappy floor mapper, I'mnot. I'm just not gonna mention the
(46:06):
floor mapping. I'm just gonna say, you know what, no one does
dishes like you. I think,Oh I don't. I don't play on
people's egos like that like I do. I I can't because I because I
know that that sometimes taking you offof something purposely because you've been screwing up.
(46:27):
So I'm not gonna I'm not gonnaplay it like, oh my gosh,
you're the gold star dishwasher and that'swhy we don't have you upfront wiping
down countersh Like that's that's what it'sgonna be. So but I'll tell you
that, Tay. I want youto understand why you're doing this. And
even if you don't care, I'mletting you know. If we the whole
(46:49):
point is to get out in fortyfive minutes after closing. If I put
you on the floors, we're gonnabe here till midnight. You're having flashbacks
right now, We're gonna We're gonnabe here till midnight. So guess what
you're gonna be washing dishes. There'sa specific person that you worked with at
Starbucks, and he's this He hadnot trades. What do they call the
(47:15):
gold teeth things grills? I don'tknow, Oh my gosh, he had.
He had a grill in and hesaid that he keeps his grilling because
his teeth are so sensitive. Sohe had gold grills in the front.
And he was just like he wouldstart washing dishes real slow, and I'm
like, no, you can playthis game, and I will sit here
(47:38):
in this chair and watch you washdishes while because we're done cleaning and you're
the only one taking a long timeon purpose. So I forgot your name.
I know it starts with a D, but y'all remember Richard. It
was too specific. I knew it. I knew it. It was I
(47:58):
want to I'm trying to think ofthe street name of the Starbucks I worked
at in California. It was likethe weird It was that weird area,
which it was like that weird placewhere where Panola and Richmond met. It
(48:19):
wasn't Point Richmond, but it wasn't. It wasn't. Oh was it over
near If you drive down San Pablo. You'll pass it now. We gotta
look it up later. We gottalook it up. I'm trying to think,
but lying to people you have toyou just have to be crafty about
how you do it. Play totheir strengths obviously, but I feel like
(48:44):
ultimately it has to come to aplace of compas. It has to come
from a place of compassion. Andif you're not compassionately thinking about my well
being, which is like the endgoal in all of this, keep it.
You're going to therapy, I mean, usually you have something going on
that requires compassion. Yeah, Soif you're a therapist and you're listening to
(49:07):
this, don't tell your patients thatthey are a bill because it's it may
be true, it may be true, but some things don't need to be
said. But I will say,um, as we're wrapping up this episode,
(49:28):
that I have gotten some great tools, great tricks, tips, resources
for from therapists and other people inthe mental mental wellness field. Um,
I don't know the exact terms foreverything. Like I just learned about the
(49:50):
empty chair technique. Um, Ijust learned what it's called. I've been
apparently I've been using it for years. But she just called it by its
name during one of my other sessions. Yeah, And she's like, did
you get out everything you needed toget out? And I was like yeah.
She was like, oh, okay, that's great, Like you want
to talk about it? No,not really, Okay, we can move
on. Learning. Learning different techniqueshas just been just you know, it
(50:16):
helps of just like checking with likeis this a fact or is this a
feeling? You know? Or whyor pulling the thread to find out what
the core memory of this thing isand yeah, yeah, like why is
this a trigger? You know?Learning how to work through triggers, that's
(50:38):
a huge one. Um u,I say, counseling the children as we
call it, oh child, oh, parenting yourself, that is one.
I'm still like, I feel likeall of my people have like integrated very
(50:59):
well, but I still have LikeI just met thirty two a couple of
days ago, but I still havelike eight around And so it's really cool
to she's thirty six years old,by the way, just putting that out
there, I mean you are too, and you're apparently you're feeling it just
(51:21):
as much as me. Yeah.So it's just like learning different techniques how
to move through life. To notbe a victim, right to be in
control of your actions and managing youremotions. That's all a me thing.
(51:42):
That's all what I've been working on. And so I think in the world
really and understanding the world and you'replacing it, and how to exist in
it without losing yourself, and howto still be in touch with it,
with people and things in the worldwithout losing sight of who you are and
what you want. That's me.It's it's it's such a great feeling to
(52:08):
have someone who is going to keepyou in line. Oh my gosh,
I just remember the older we wouldwe would call her the auntie um and
our community. Uh she when sheread me left right up and down,
I would, ma'am much. Yeah, I remember that. I know exactly
(52:30):
what you're talking about. Oh likehold wait, hold one, ma'am.
You don't. I mean, you'renot wrong, but like slow downs.
The first session, I'm new,I knew who like coome one. Um.
(52:52):
But it's it's been such um,even even with the bad. It's
because one of the therapists that Iknew it was over, knew it was
over when he said, um,you're too smart to be depressed and I
was just like, duh, Igotta go through all this again with somebody
(53:12):
he was. He was just like, you're too intelligent to be depressed like
and to be anxious. You know, this stuff isn't real. And I
was like, yes, my logicbrain says that, my emotional brain doesn't
know that, Like how do Iwork through the And so I feel like,
um, I feel like sometimes there'stoo much of a cultural barrier sometimes
to connect with people. He wasan older white man, older, yeah,
(53:37):
he was Jewish, yeah, andso it was just like he was
just like, you're you're just tooYou're too smart. And I was like,
what are you even here for?Dude? What do you what are
you even here for? All thismoney into this Now I gotta do it
all over again with somebody else.I mean that's and so I feel like,
Um, when you have a therapistand you find one that is good,
(54:00):
you find one that's going to holdyou accountable, You find one that
is going to keep you on track, You find one that is going to
keep your goals in mind and alsochallenge you. Because I think that's for
me, having someone to challenge me, because I'm not challenged as often as
I would like to be, buthaving someone to challenge me, to challenge
(54:23):
my thoughts, to challenge my likeare you really doing everything you need to
do? Are you really doing thisthe best of your ability? And I'm
like, no, okay, sowhat plans can we make to get there?
And I think that having someone inthat corner is it's just it's like
(54:46):
it's crucial. Yeah. I thinkeverybody needs to be in therapy, especially
people who don't think they need therapy, because you're the reason why we're at
therapy. Like, if you thinkthat you don't need therapy, I can
guarantee you have something there that needsto be unpacked that you would that would
(55:08):
elevate you to the next level,that would really put you in a space
where you're not taking your misery outon other people. But I digress,
let me, let me move on. You know, therapy, I mean,
yes, people will people people outhere, people in all the time.
So yes, there's going to bepeople that you don't mesh well with
(55:30):
and therapy. But when you goto health and wellness, whether you're envy
UM in the in the therapist office, the counsel's office, psychiatric's office,
UM and sstral healing grounds or UM. There's also another one that combines like
spiritual healing with yoga, and there'sa lot of different spaces that are opening
(55:53):
up. I actually want to trythat. It's I don't know if I'm
ready for that, because that's afull body, even emotional like you've been
putting the Ringer experience if you're personally. I think I am ready for that
because I've done so much work withUM just getting everything together, just anxiety
(56:15):
wise, that now I'm in thespace with like the pain management class and
stuff. Everything is connecting the twoand making sure that I'm in touch with
my body and different parts of mybody to feel where certain pains are and
understand how those are connected to certainemotions. So I'm open to it.
(56:37):
Yeah, I'll tell you about Itell you I've seen people. I've seen
clips of people doing it, likethey come in they're in the robes,
and when men do it, itis emotional just watching them through the screen.
Yeah, because to see a man, you know, express forgiveness a
(56:58):
man except like that he doesn't haveto be angry anymore, like outwardly parenting
his child, the kid in himlike it is it is I always crying
Black men cry anyway, Like that'sthat's just like black aren't allowed the space
to be vulnerable, right in adifferent way than how black women aren't allowed
to be vulnerable and right, butit's like the same book, different chapters,
(57:23):
but um, it's yeah, justto have that space for it.
If you find send me some ofthose clips whenever, if you don't mind,
Okay, yeah, it is.It is a lot. I mean,
you're not going to like a yearlike way out in the middle of
you aware you're going to a facility, but the healing, like the healing
(57:44):
agents are around you, talking youthrew it, like you get into this
um meditative state so that you canaccess different parts of your trauma, and
they do it through different parts ofyour body. And I mean it is
when I say it's a full bodyexperience, I'm like, there are just
(58:07):
some things that I'm just like Ifeel like I would be very light obviously,
but I feel like also it'd beif it looks like I know it's
not, I know it's not,but it looks like giving birth, Like
yeah, the emotional equivalent, yes, emotional equivalent of giving birth, Like
(58:30):
you're giving birth to this new person. And it's a very emotional, spiritual,
mental experience that you're combining everything intoone to to release those things.
And I'm not saying that once youdo it, you're healed of everything,
but there's a lot of trauma thatyou get to unlocked and work through in
those sessions. And yes, yousho go back from multiple sessions, but
(58:52):
give you, um untether yourself tothe traumas of the past. Yeah,
into it. Yeah, I'm justlike who I mean, I don't have
anything to lose if I do it, but um still it's something that you
(59:14):
want to build towards if you everdo it. I mean I have,
like you, I have done alot of work to try to get through
all this stuff. Um, butI feel like I don't know what I
would need to be ready for thatkind of thing, but I feel like
like I feel like I would haveto. I would I would need to
(59:35):
be in solitude before and after totry to like get right in all like
it would hoof Yeah, yeah,so if I find if I find more,
hey Google, send me some morestuff. Um. But because you
know they're listening, So while I'mwhile I'm talking about this stuff, like
put that in my algorithm so Ican see those things. Oh, it's
(01:00:00):
really talking to me now, heyGoogle, stop Google Talk. It's really
it's really talking about what love isnot gonna be sending recommendations for yurts and
stuff. We heard you say rightsare you? Are you on a spiritual
(01:00:21):
journey? Yeah? So I feellike, um, I feel like that
as you as you're you know,going through your life's journey and you want
to explore mental health, mental wellness, mental health wellness. Yeah, if
you want to explore any of thosethings, like you know, feel free
(01:00:44):
to reach out. Like, yes, we it's only two of us that
we've had our background experiences, likeI've been throughout the country going to different
therapists things like that. I thinkthat I think that I've been doing pretty
well. Um um, you know, or reach out to a therapist online.
There's a lot online who are givingdifferent tips and helping to establish boundaries
(01:01:04):
and you know, relationships, thingslike that. But I am really glad
that this friend has untethered herself fromthe trauma of her therapists and you and
I mean you can too. Justbecause you've been doing something for a long
time doesn't mean now keep doing it. You do not you can, you
(01:01:27):
can absolutely keep I've been doing itfor seven years. You know what's worse
than doing it for seven years?Doing it for eight years? Doing this
for seven years, hating it forsix Let's to the math, right,
let's let's not let's not go downthat path. So, you know,
do what makes you feel happy,Do what makes you feel alive, as
long as it's not hurting anybody else. You know, don't hurt anybody.
(01:01:51):
Don't be a jerk. Come on, Jason, where can people find you?
People can find me on the streets. People can find me. Um
wow wow at Burlington Colt Factory orMrvin's during back to school season? Not
ns kk my um the she's stillShe's still gonna be listed as like co
(01:02:16):
hosted the show, right um kk. We were in a conversation and she
said somebody was asking, hoh,do you know where I can go get
some shoes? And she said Mervin's. Now. She said it seriously too,
She said she said Mervin's has beenclosed since you know about Mrvin's,
(01:02:38):
And was just like she was justlike, yeah, what's gonna Murvin's.
I'm like never shopped at Mervin's.You two that. It's like if you
said sears or, I wouldn't evenallow k bark. But you went all
the way back to Murvin's. Doyou remember Miller's Outpost and Anchor Blue?
Same story to change your name.They were in Hilltop, I mean they
(01:03:00):
were in malls in general. Theysold jeans, a lot of jeans.
Anchor Blue. Yeah, I don't, I don't recall. Yeah, it
was I think it was Miller's Outpostfirst and then they changed this to Anchor
Blue. But anyway, you canfind me on Twitter, Instagram, UM
the Clock one JJ Underscore Newberry withthe finger Guns and please follow us and
(01:03:27):
take a stace podcast as take aspace pod on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook,
Ticket, talk of all the Things, UM, take a space pod,
Take a space pod on Facebook,Instagram, Twitter, All the Things
UM, and let us know,like what your experience has been with therapy.
I love to hear them. Sendus an email, UM, send
(01:03:50):
us DM. Let us know whatyour thoughts are. Have you been in
therapy? Are you consider your therapy? What don't you like about therapy?
Are you being held accountable of therapy? What's holding you hostage? Like?
What emotions? Yeah? Don't.I really, I don't want to answer
that question because I immediately thought ofgoing to the Year and how I don't
(01:04:12):
want to do it yet. Butthank you all so much for tuning in.
We'll see you next time. Untilthen, you know, be good
to yourself and be good to thosewho are good to you, even if
they're not good to you. Sowe good to other people. Karmen is
a real thing, all right,hie. Guys, give yourself great
O gay. When is the lasttime you did something for the first time?
Um, maybe about two weeks ago? Okay. Can I ask a
clarifying question, um, what itlike? Are the parameters for like it
(00:20):
has to be something brand new oris it just something new to me?
What something new to you? Likeif you were skydiving that is new to
you even though people have been skyedout for years. Yeah, okay,
Um, I guards ask these questions. It just really thrown me off.
(00:43):
So I guess I'll go with Idon't know. I did morning yoga for
like the like a full morning yogaroutine for the first time today, So
that's that's something. There was alot of um grumbling on my part.
I was furious, slightly furious,um because I was so frustrated with how
(01:07):
many um down dogs they had todo in that one with the shoulders on
the ground and the button. Yeah, my shoulders are really stiff in the
morning, And so there was alot of me just being like, oh,
come on again, really come on, and that's keep reminding myself,
like, no, trust the process, Jason. This is supposed to calm,
(01:30):
calm down, calm calm So yeah, I did that this morning.
So that felt good after all myfrustrations. Is there Is it something that
you would do again? I thinkso. Um, I think I would
want to get up a little earlierfirst, to maybe get some tea into
(01:53):
my body first and just loosen mybody up and just throw my arms around
itself and just loosen up first insteadof wake up. Yeah. Plus,
I will want to make sure Ifind some routines that are more tailored for
the morning, because I think thiswas just like a slow, slow flow
(02:14):
type thing where it was just itwas slower than what I would normally do,
so it wasn't as much sweating andstuff, but it was still um
more, it required more endurance thanmy um my morning fiber malagy body can
can maintain for long periods of time. But I made it through thirty minutes.
(02:36):
I did it. Look at you, Look at you. You know
I'm gonna bounce back, bounce back, bounce back. What's yours? Um?
So I was thinking, I wasactually thinking about this, um right
before we started recording. And Ithink the last thing that I can remember
doing for the first time is hostinga game night in person game night.
(02:58):
UM. I typically do it itvirtually because I have to do it.
I work all of them, butwe did it a lot during the pandemic.
But hosting an in person one somuch better, so much better.
I've been to a few obviously withyou all, but hosting I like hosting.
I made rice with some salmon.They brought their own kind of like
(03:22):
everybody brought out sacks, like someonebrought cookie, someone brought popcorn, someone
brought juice. And just having mysisters come over to have a game night,
eating and all that kind of stuff, Like it was just it was
just really cool to me. Soit's definitely something I would want to do
again. I'm always like I've alwayslike dreamed about having a bunch of people
(03:45):
over and doing game night, whetherit's couples, whether it's friends, whether
it's people from church, whatever thecase. But actually doing it, getting
to do it, I was justlike, Okay, So I just texted
my sisters in propty game night tomorrow. They're like, I'm in what's so
stay? Like it was just reallycool. I really I would want to
do it again. I loved that. For you've been talking about you have
(04:10):
been talking about doing game nights,like having people over and just having like
the bustle in your places that you'vebeen at for basically every single place that
you've had since you like have startedgallavanting around the United States gallavanting, gallivanting.
True, And even those game nightsthat I where I got the clubhouse,
(04:33):
it was my other friends who broughtgames, who hosted. I just
made them. Yeah yeah. Butto have them in your space and you
sort of um being the host,being able to host like that and host
your sisters and stuff like that,I know that's that's big for you.
Yeah. I'm happy for you becauseyou go to jocks Lands I do,
(04:55):
and she has some really great drinks, great games. It's always it's always
a lot of laughs. It's alwaysa lot of laughs. I love it.
Thank you everyone for tuning in toanother episode to take a Space podcast.
I am your hostly and joined bymy cour star Cold Quoi Star co
star cool Star Corners, joined bymy co star Jason. Actually, I
(05:17):
would like to be known as acoy star. To be coy I couldn't
decide if I was thinking COI fishor a coy person. Oh, I
don't think of myself as very fishy, So I am going with person c
(05:39):
O y are you? Are younot a pissy stuff? I am through
and through through the water, throughthe water, through the water. I
mean, so, let me tellyou about this I so, umm,
I was talking about this person andshe shall remain anonymous, but quick disclaimer
(06:08):
for the record. I she toldme maybe two lines of whatever she said
that she's gonna talk about today.So this is one of the first times
that I'm going into this blind.So I'm gonna find stuff out. You
always go into the why are youacting? Why are you acting? So
brand new? This is a differentlevel. We didn't even have a debriefing
before this really, so all right, So I'm talking to her and she's
(06:34):
kind of she says, let mevent now. We know when it comes
to people, people are just gonnabe out here people because that's who they
are. Some people are good,Some people are complex. Some people are
just straight up trash, just likeJackie from Love is Blind. But we're
not gonna We're not gonna get intoLove is Blind right now. Um,
some people, some people have trashattitudes. Some people have really good attitudes
(06:58):
but really trash behavior. So uh, some people. You know, there's
there's complexity to this human experience.But one of the things where it hurts
the most is when you're seeking helpfrom someone, whether it's mental health,
whether it's medical health, whether it'syou know, wellness, fitness, or
even getting a job. Like weknow there's people are trash, but that
(07:23):
shouldn't stop you from pursuing your goals. And the reason why I want to
talk about this experience is because ifyou're if it's your first time seeking therapy,
you know it can seem overwhelming.But like we say on the show,
therapy, finding a good therapist isjust like dating. It's it's you
gotta find who works with you.So I'm gonna start. I'm gonna start
(07:46):
by telling you her grievances up frontbefore we get deeper into it. Okay,
okay. So so essentially she's thetherapist for ten years, which let
me ask you, how many yearsdo you typically stay with a therapist or
(08:07):
months or what is your what isyour time frame typically with a therapist.
I personally, I'm not opposed topeople being I'm not somebody's but oh,
you should change therapist every blah blahblah. The longest that I had one,
um so my previous one, I'veonly had two therapists. So my
previous one that I don't he wasmy therapist for six years, five years.
(08:31):
Five years, didn't see any reallysee that much um growth from my
part, didn't really progress after fiveyears. Yeah, we'll get What was
it like during the tell end orthroughout the whole process that I didn't feel
like anything was really happening? Yeah, basically throughout the entire process. Why
(08:52):
did you keep going because it wascheap? And remember I don't, Yeah,
that's what That's what happened. Itwould turn into me venting, but
him not taking what I vented aboutand working with it to push me to
be more. Long story short,I ended up dumping that therapist because of
(09:16):
how he consoled me after my auntdied. I think I've told you about
that before, whereas like people die. Yeah. Yeah, So my current
therapists have been seeing since twenty nineteen, so about four years. But I
see there's been so much growth,like from the very beginning. And I'll
(09:39):
get into details later on, whichis how I know that it's the right
fit for me. But yeah,five years for the longest, but yeah,
not ten years. If I could, I imagine being seeing that therapist
for ten years that is the relationshipand listening to him vent about his life
(10:00):
the way that he was venting abouthis life. See so okay, so
wait, let's quick aside. Yeah, when you're going to therapy, sometimes
therapy therapists will open up with whoare you, where do you work?
What do you do? Um?How long have you been in the area
you know? What is your familylife like, what is your home life
like m, what is your networkingstructure like your friends and associates, things
(10:22):
like that, um, And thenthey'll ask you that question why are you
here and what are your goals ofof this session? When I first had
a therapist, I didn't know howto answer that question, like what are
you here for? I am frustratedin my life and I don't know what
to do. And some some therapistsare really great at asking those probing questions
(10:43):
of just like, so tell meabout your day, what's what are you
saying this frustrating about your entire lifethat you're here? Um? Other therapists,
like yours would be like, ohthat sucks, um, yeah,
what else you Yeah? The firstguy I started seeing him when I was
(11:05):
unemployed, but like I had beenunemployed for a year, I was just
starting a master's program and then therewas some family stuff that was going on
that really drummed up a lot ofemotions and stuff from that I had just
not dealt with even from childhood andstuff, and so it was a perfect
time where there was just a clear, explicit issue for me to deal with,
(11:30):
and so we sort of worked throughthat at first, and then the
family situation got sort of normalizing,stuff, everything got back to normal.
But then that's when it started tosort of change into the dynamics started to
shift where I felt more of likea caretaker and lapsing into that role.
With my second therapist, he waslike from the outset, he noticed that
(11:52):
I was a sensitive person. Henoticed just based on the family history.
Because just to add context, I'vealways been extremely open about how like stuff
that happened in my childhood and meunderstanding that even if I didn't know how
to navigate out of it, Iknew that certain things were sitting with me
(12:13):
in ways that I didn't like thatI wanted to fix, right, So
I was very open about that atthe first session for my second therapist,
and we started working on that stuffright away. So I've always been very
open about what I know, whatI want to fix. It's just a
matter of can you help me fixit? Well, so I don't really
(12:39):
say fix. I don't think thattherapists are necessarily fixers. Yeah, I
think that they expose a lot.But what I have learned to do is
ask the therapist what kind of Thegreat thing is you can look them up
to see what their specialties are.So if you think you're dealing with anxiety
or some behavioral disorder, moved disorder, whatever the case may be, or
(13:03):
if you need a counselor like,you can look up their information on your
health site or for psychology today tofind out who they typically deal with.
Because I wouldn't want to go toa person who deals with geriatric patients because
there that's not their specialty. I'mnot going to go with somebody who deals
with teens either, right, becausethat was part of the reason why the
(13:24):
first errors didn't work out, becauseyeah, it was cheap, but under
the things that he had listed,um, like gambling was his specialty.
So yeah, but then also therewas like depression and anxiety, that kind
of thing. So I just wentwith that one because it was he had
a sliding scale, and he wasnice, but it no see him doing
(13:48):
the people please your things where I'mtrying to make excuse, don't try to
you know, kind of protect hisimage. Yeah, yeah, I look
get it more of not fixing itsprocessing just okay, how can I have
reacted to whatever I've just vented about, Like I clearly my body had a
(14:11):
reaction to it, my mind hada reaction to it, my mouth had
a reaction to it at some pointbecause probably said something I that I could
have said more tactfully in the moment. Those moments happen, They definitely happen.
But I look at it more oflike at this point, with my
journey of organizing my mind and stuff, it's more of how can I process
(14:37):
the world, and how can Iapproach the world as a sensitive extremely sensitive
and stay in tune with it,but also make sure that I'm protecting myself
in the process and prioritizing myself inthe process. And so that's what most
of my sessions have turned into atthis point, because I've done all this
stuff to not be depressed, notbe anxious all the time stuff, and
(15:00):
now it's just a matter of beingbeing um more what's the word more picky.
I guess more picky about how Iuse my sensitivity. Yeah, how
like putting probes out consciously putting probesout into the world instead of just letting
stuff hit me. M. Yeah, that's that's really good. When I
(15:22):
like, I just got a newtherapist. And for the last two therapists
that I've had and I had mytherapists are mostly situational. Um. I'm
the kind of hop because I movearound a lot. I can't really keep
the same therapist because they're not licensedin the same state all the time.
And I had a black therapist forlike half a day and when he realized
(15:45):
he was like, oh, wait, you moved to Washington. I was
like yeah. He was like,I can't do a session with you until
you're back in the state of NorthCarolina. And I was like, but
you're black and the man and Ihaven't heard your perspective yet. Um so
um. But what I but whatI do is I like to find out
(16:08):
what their specialties are and then mything I have learned how to, um,
how to advise a therapist. Soit kind of like sets the tone.
I don't need you to fix me. I don't need you to come
in to tell me what to do, but I would like to gain more
tools and resources that could help meidentify how to work through a depressive episode,
(16:36):
how to work through an anxiety attack, how to work through a difficult
situation where Um, maybe I wantto be angry, I want to be
passionate. I want to pop offon someone because this thing has made my
blood boil. And maybe that's notthe right thing to do, because that's
not the image I want to project. So I let them know, like,
(16:56):
yes, I want to. Iwant to get some more tools and
sources, like I really need aspace event because this thing is happening right
now and life in real time.But I eventually want to get to the
point where I can work through thingslike this, Um, after I've talked
about it, because we can talkabout talk about talk about it, but
(17:17):
I want to I want to havea better understanding, give me a different
a different perspective. I've had whitetherapists. I had the wood black one
that doesn't even count because we didn'teven do a session. He just did
the intake. Um, I hadthe one that got away. Yeah,
(17:41):
but now I have a black oneand she's and I have to just keep
reminding myself to trust the process becauseI'm just like I don't I don't want
to do a hell of letter.I don't want to write to myself.
Like, yes, I've fallen offof journaling. Thank you for reminding me
of that. I talk to myselfquite a bit. Is your current one
you go in person? Three sessions? Right? No? No, it's
(18:03):
virtual. Yeah, it's virtual.Um My, the therapist that I had,
I think that was most impactful.She was so sweet, um and
she she was in Washington and shewas a cognitive behavioral therapist. So I
told her, I said, Iam having negative thoughts that I need somebody
(18:23):
to interrupt the cycle before it turnsinto a downward spiral. And when I
tell you, she asks the rightquestions at the right time, and it
will always trigger an emotional response.Every time she asked me a question,
I would why would you ask methat right now? Or I would get
(18:45):
really like I would get really inmy feelings and feel And we recorded a
few sessions after and that's why wehave to change our meeting times, because
we would have therapy sessions and thena recording session and I'm just too broad
too. I'm just too no,I can't know, I know, And
so I really loved her. Ireally like this new therapist too, Like
(19:07):
she's she's really she lets she letsit be silent without it being awkward.
Yeah, so if I need toprocess something, she'll just let let us
sit in silence for a minute.There's beauty and silence. Oh, absolutely
absolutely. But yeah, I wouldjust say that if you when you do
(19:29):
go to therapy, when you dostart seeking a therapist, you know,
do a brief confrontation on the phone, ask them questions about what they offer
to figure out and even if youdon't know what you need, they should
be able to ask you questions toguide you and let you know. And
sometimes they have they're part of networksthat they can like. Actually, so
and so takes your insurance and sheactually more in lines better with what you
(19:49):
need. Some people like like thesame people from the same cultural background.
But staying with a therapist for tenyears, I feel like I would have
experience it's growth and need to moveon. If my therapist is not growing
with me, Yeah, you know, you got you gotta move on.
That's one of the things that Ilike about my current therapist is that he
(20:12):
is open with me about the journeythat he's on and the things that he's
trying out and suggesting for me.Tell me about his history because he's like
exactly ten years older than me,so he has like, yeah, it's
just a perfect match where it's likehe's a sensitive person. He's navigated a
(20:32):
lot of the issues that I've dealtwith, and so he's just this is
what I tried, this is whatdidn't work for me. Yeah, this
is what I tried. So it'smore of just like a more of an
exchange instead of just me dumping andthen him just telling me, oh you
did this, writer, oh youdid this, or try this that kind
of thing. Yeah, it's kindof fits even like my teaching style.
(20:53):
I think that's why it's such agood fit for me, because it's more
of an exchange than just what Freerrecalls the dumping method. I guess,
Yeah, I don't need to justcome and like make deposits all the time
like I need to. I needI like having the feedback to kind of
(21:14):
like talk through Yeah, because inthat moment I'm not talking, I'm feeling
a lot of things and sometimes Ineed to just sort through to get to
the point of rounding where I canbe like, Okay, this is what's
real, these are the facts.But then that also gives me in trouble
because I'm more analytical and my feelingsdo not make sense, and so getting
(21:41):
realizing, yes, you are moreanalytical. But as I'm delving into my
feelings, I have realized that,yeah, like, even though I present
such a hard exterior, I ama very sensitive well not I won't say
very sensitive. I am a sensitiveperson that has massed as the woman.
(22:02):
Yeah, um, just just asa protective layer. But I realized like,
no, you're you're safe. Youcan you can be that if somebody
hurts your feelings, it's okay tolet them know, like, hey,
I don't like what you did.I'm not at the point of crying it
in front of people because they hurtmy feelings. But I'm learning that it's
(22:22):
okay to have these feelings. It'sokay to be hurt that somebody hurts your
feelings, Like you don't have tojust like rub dirt in it and keep
it pushing, Like no, it'slike, oh, you're just being sensitive.
Yeah, I am being sensitive andI'm letting you know my feelings.
Let me let me feel my feelings, because it works. It works both
ways. What I noticed that inprevious relationships, um and people can say
(22:47):
it's the Aquarius of me whatever thekids would be. But UM, I
become emotionally detached very quickly. IfI don't like what someone's doing, I
will just be like, nope,I'm not giving any more emotional energy to
this thing. Um, I am. I may be physically present, but
there's there's nothing here, um And, so I will so I will detach
(23:11):
to protect myself. But it's okayto feel real feelings for other people.
And there people are going to people. That's how they do. People.
People be people and so UM,it's not what I've learned is it's not
Um, It's not whether or notI can trust this person. It's whether
(23:37):
or not I can trust myself toheal after this person has intentionally or unintentionally
hurt me. If this person intentionallyor unintentionally crosses a boundary, if this
person, you know, does somethingso egregious, Am I gonna be okay
after the fact, And I realizelike, yeah, like I'm a very
(23:57):
resilient person. I can do this. I've survived the work right, Like
I'm like, I'm good. Likeit's like it's and it's not just about
like cutting people off to cut peopleoff. But I find that the growth
is in addressing the situation, youknow, if it calls for it,
like, hey, I don't reallycare for the way that you act or
what you said, and I wouldappreciate it if you don't talk like that
(24:22):
in my presence. And if thatperson's character is you know, doesn't align
with mine, their path is inaligne with mine, It's okay when go
our separate, it's without me feelingresentment towards man. How come you can't
get you stuff together. We couldhave been out here doing this thing and
doing that thing. And I wantto go to happy hour. I want
to make money. I want todo this. It's like, no,
I don't have to say attached tothis person because I'm hanging my hat on
(24:45):
their being there for me. Yeah, I would love to go to happy
hour. I would love to bea happy hour. Yeah. I want
you to tell me about, um, this friend not we were circling back.
Yeah, um, but the deal. So here's the thing. So
(25:07):
she's been with a therapist for tenyears, right, and the therapist as
of the last like i'll say sixto eight months, has been very flaky.
Um. This person would this personwould last minute say oh, I
can't make my session today because mycow is like ill, or I have
(25:33):
to be at a vet appointment,even though the vet is coming to me
to help me take care of myfarm. Or um, I completely forgot
about it, like I'm going througha lot with my family, and turns
that into a betting session for thetherapist. And I'm like, so,
why are you stilling her? Howmany? How many appointments have have you?
(25:56):
Um? Have you missed? Shewas like, oh, you know,
like the last six appointments whatever thecase should be. Nahoum. One
man's like okay, yeah, Iunderstand. Two is oh are you doing
something to take care of this?And three is like okay, that's the
cut off. And I'll be honestwith y'all. The numbers are not correct
them going off a memory, soso, but this is a situation.
(26:18):
But no, it was something likesix, It was something. It was
something wild, right, and sheis insane, That's what I'm saying.
I'm just like, if you myI think my thing is what the icing
on the cake to me was whenshe when the friend called to say,
you know, hey, I won'tbe able to make my appointment because I
(26:38):
don't UM, I won't be ableto make my point today. She just
didn't want to do it. She'sat the end of her rope. She's
done with this therapist. But um, at first she didn't want to.
She didn't want to leave because she'sbeen there for so long. And I
was like, can we stop withthe time fallacy. Just because you've been
doing this for so long does notmean that this is right, Like this
(27:00):
person is not helping you, likeyou're going through like she she was going
through some stuff at work and thetherapist, according to her, because she's
leaving me a voice note, shesays, the therapist goes, oh my
gosh, like, yes, yougo through stuff at work. At least
you have a job. And Iwas like, oh wow, your therapist,
(27:22):
s amistain. She would not bemy therapist anyboard. And she would
be reported like we're not we're notdoing this, We're not. No no.
It minimizes your feelings, minimizes youryour being. No no, and
(27:44):
she and and she kept saying like, it's weird, right, it's weird,
right, And I was like,why are you still entertaining? So
so we get to the point whereshe's like at the end of her rope
and she's she's like, no,I have I have an appointment coming up.
And I was like, don't evendon't even waste your time. So
(28:07):
she so the therapist calls her andwas like, I know I missed so
many other appointments, but um,but but we're still on for you know,
like Tuesday or whatever. And she'slike actually, and it was the
next day she was like, actually, I'm gonna need to cancel. She
was like, oh, it's aneighty dollars fee if you cancel, but
it's a zero dollars fee if youreschedule. I said, girl, I
would reschedule the canceled because no,absolutely not, Like why is she is
(28:32):
she paid you eighty dollars whenever shecancels last minute. And she was just
like she was like, I know, right, I mean hyping people up
an over eon light. It's perspective. You're giving her perspective. I'm like,
all these times she's canceled on youbecause of her dog needing shots in
(28:53):
the farm that she has in herbackyard. Who no, no. So
so it comes to the point ofher actually ending the relationship. She she
tells the therapist, Hey, thisis not working out. I want to
find someone else. This therapist goesinto this very toxic it is not funny.
(29:19):
It's not funny, but it's funnyif that. Um, this therapist
goes into this very toxic mode.Um, please don't leave. Is it
something that I did? How canI fix it? I know that I
have been flaky for the last andyou're like, so you do recognize your
behavior. I've been I've been flakyfor the last X y Z times.
(29:40):
Um, but you know, it'sjust a lot going on in my life
right now, and I really can'tafford to lose any clients. Oh oh,
she so I really need to go. Okay, she doesn't really want
to help her. She just wantsto cash. She doesn't even want the
facade of helping her. So thenshe's like, I'll give you a discount
(30:03):
if you stay. I'll come youknow, one or two sessions. Um,
please tell me what I need todo. And then this is the
part that gets me, because nowshe turns into a fortune teller. She
says, I have been thinking aboutwhat you have been going through. I
remember this part. I have beenthinking about what you have been going through,
and I have some really good thoughts, resources and or tools to help
(30:29):
you manage it, and I wantedto talk about it in our next session.
Hold on a minute. Three months. Wait a minute, Wait a
minute, Wait a minute, waita minute. So she wait she so,
she realizes her behavior is trash.She realizes that her behavior is causing
(30:51):
a negative um, it's having anegative impact on your relationship. She realizes
that she's the problem. But andshe and obviously she has been somewhat listening
to you because now because now thisis why it's hard to stay with you
for a long time. When Isay this is a bad breakup. When
(31:14):
I when I say this is abad breakup, this lady says, well,
the issues like and it's a veryspecific triggering issue. I understand this
very specific issue that you've had withyour family is probably flair. It's probably
um triggering something else. So let'stalk about that. And I was like,
(31:40):
ho ho ho hoh hoh. Youcan't bring up my triggers and act
like you can. You can magically, like you have the potion to resolve
it if I just schedule another sessionwith you and I and I'm like coaching
her the whole time. I'm like, please, don't, don't, please,
do not buy into it. Ifshe had all this information before,
she withholding it. If she hadthe information before, she's withholding it,
(32:05):
she's a terrible person one or orshe has no information. She's just trying
to bait you to stay, andshe's immersing your past in the hopes of
keeping you in because she has somuch information on you. And she was
just like, yeah, I thinkI just need to I need to go.
I said, don't answer anymore ofher text And this lady been blowing
(32:25):
her up when I say it turnedinto such a toxic therapy client relationship where
the therapist is more worried about keepingclients on her books than she is about
helping people. I'm like, ifshe was a good therapist, you don't
have to worry about clients self payer. Otherwise, it's okay to lie
(32:49):
sometimes, like as someone who istrying to feign compassion for this patient that
clearly is at the end of arope, who probably has not been prioritized
in a lot of situations and stuffin her life, and it feels like
she's not being prioritized now. Andyou tell them, please, I can't
(33:09):
afford for you to leave. Oh, I'm like, how you really had
the golf to say that, Likeyou could even say, I've seen you
grow so much and I feel likewe can go even further and take you
to the next level. I'm sorry, Let's see how we can meet the
impact or come to some kind ofagreement something that balances works with you and
(33:35):
make sure that you feel like you'rea priority that should write pr statements for
people. She didn't, she didn'tcare, She didn't she didn't know.
What she saw was the light bill. Yeah, there was no compassion.
And I'm like, so you knewyour behavior was trash and you were just
hoping that because I have spent somuch time with you, that I would
(33:55):
be the tried and truant day.And she was just like, you know,
I just feel you know, Ireally don't want you to go.
And then then when when she stoppedresponding, um, when when a friend
of mine stopped responding, the therapistis like, well, I can help
me find another therapist. No.No. I was like, please do.
She's going to do everything she canto get you to respond. Well,
(34:20):
let's let's just have an exit.Let's just have an exit appointment.
No no, I was like,this is this is so weird like that.
So I'm like, people just people. People, People just be people
and as they people, and Ijust lie to me. I think I've
(34:44):
said that before. I think we'vetalked about that before, probably not in
detail, but yeah, lying isbad, okay, yeah, yeah yeah.
But if you're trying to get something, maybe this is the writer in
me speaking the writing teacher. Ifyou're trying to persuade somebody to stay,
don't throw the least human thing.How am I supposed to care about your
(35:08):
bills? If you keep canceling thesessions and not getting the money from me,
and you're not even coming to thesessions to get the money from me,
your story is not even matching up, cowgirl. So my thing is
this, So this person is um, this therapist is so concerned about having
(35:30):
her bills paying and keep her clientson and I'm just going through so much.
A healthy therapist, a healthy personwould say, hey, I do
want to keep this thing going.I do want to, you know,
pour into my business whatever the casemay be, but I am not in
a place to do that right now. Yes I need the money, but
(35:51):
maybe I need but babe need.Taking a step back is going to help
me to come back stronger. Becauseif you're in a if you're in the
service business and you're not able toserve your clientele, your community, um,
your patrons, whatever, then you'redoing good disservice to everyone by being
(36:16):
bad at your job, especially ifyou're leaning on your patron and basically the
dynamic has completely shifted to where you'reventing to your patient. That's like me
going to a massage therapist and themassage therapist asking me to this little chink
out of their hands, just gettingright there. Yeah, I'm trying to
(36:37):
get here. You're trying to getyour knots out. But in order to
get your knots out, I needyou to go ahead and help. Right,
you're going for expertise, not evennot even service. You're going for
certain expertise to certain rights. Yougo there for expertise and guidance, and
it's being completely flipped where I'm payingyou to hear your problems. Yeah,
(36:58):
like and I'm just like, ifyou if you voiced a concern, your
therapist should be compassionate above all else. Yeah, they could be. They
should be compassionate. You shouldn't haveto you shouldn't come in complaining about you
know, even if it is acomplaint, even if it does sound like
you're whinding, even if it doessound like, um, it's a small
thing, it's a very real thingto you. You know, Like even
(37:22):
if a kid is crying because youknow they they're crying because there's no more
muffins in the bag because they ateall the muffins, that's a very real
thing for them. They're like,oh my gosh, like there's no more
muffins, and they may cry itout and you may have to sit there
and talk with them about it.Whatever. The kids in be but it's
but it's very It can be verydangerous for people who are not at who
(37:44):
are not um, who are whoare at a breaking point if they don't
receive that kind of compassion. Yeah, And I think that when you're in
a position like that, you shouldbe compassionate in your job. And if
you can't show up as I'm compassionatetoday, just like me, if I
show up and I'm not focused today. I'm no good to anyone, Like
(38:07):
I'm messing up her horse left andright because I'm not focused. And that's
the four of my job. Right. Where's the money? Right? What
do you mean you put it inthis account? That's not even the right
customer? So I was distracted tohave so much going on. My cow
is sick and right, like whowe're not minimizing trust, We're not minimizing
(38:29):
the therapist what she has going on. It's the fact that it's impacting somebody
who is going to this therapist fora specific service, right therapist. If
anything, maybe after three concis twoor three council appointments, maybe they should
have been up from with the personand just be like, hey, I
(38:49):
have a lot going on. Ithink we need to hold off on sessions
for now. Maybe I can bookyou with or can help you find somebody
else to work with for a fewweeks while I'm managing my own stuff.
But to just sort of um dragthem on and lead the lead the patient
on for this long, it's justcome on, lie to me. Just
(39:13):
don't see me as Comcast as theComcast bill right, right, I'll be
able to take care of this,and I want to get this new couch
and I want to do not sayingthat, or it could be medicine for
any of the farm animals, likewhatever the case, Like it's it's not
it's not right to treat someone assimply a patriot. You should treat your
(39:35):
service as something that you are givingto its utmost degree. Right, you
should be offering this like it's Itmay not be Platinum star every time.
Maybe you get gold star service,right, but if you're if you're trailing
into the bronze consistently, like it'stime to step back. Silver is okay,
(39:57):
everyone's but you need to do youryou need to be doing especially in
that field where with where we arenow, it's too it's too sensitive of
a feel to be that flippant abouthow you are caring for people. Really,
like I say it sometimes as students, like maybe I shouldn't say like
I don't get paid enough, likethat's out of my pay grade certain things.
(40:22):
But I'm not in an industry whereit could be life or death,
where it's people unpacking stuff from theirchildhood and stuff, and where I could
possibly be reinforcing patterns that maybe wespent ten years trying to unpack and you're
just sort of stepping the back.Yeah. But that also like what I
(40:43):
was listening to her her sound,because most of this stuff is some texts
and it's it's just like I'm justlike shocked emoji and shocked gifts. Like
I'm just like, Okay, clearly, clearly you have boundaries that are being
crossed, and um, they maynot be erected as boundaries, but you
(41:07):
you realize there are things she's doingthat you don't like. It's time to
enforce those boundaries, man like andand for those who haven't heard, like
previous episodes, when I say boundaries, these are not to give um to
tell people how to act. They'renot rich for other people. It's there
(41:28):
there how you will react in asituation if somebody is, for instance,
talking about your mom and you're like, no, that's a no. Guy.
Understand that you're setting for yourself now. Really for everyone else, she
may have had just a shack,maybe she has some milk crates set up
as her fence, but it's there. She can see the perimeter there,
and she sees like, okay,this person is crossing over this line that
(41:51):
I've drawn in the sand, andshe's just sort of letting just lie to
me. That's right, No,because I think in order to lie,
there has to be a level ofcare, like when people like it's it's
sad to say it like that,but that's what it is. I feel
like, especially in in friendships andromantic relationships and relationships, people lie because
(42:16):
they care and they don't want tosee even hurt. YEA, there is
on the flip side, sometimes peoplelie. Sometimes people lie because they don't
want to They know that they're theones who are going to have to deal
with the fallout of yours. SoI feel like there's there's a balance to
(42:38):
it. Yeah, But a lotof times when people do lie to you,
when people do try to withhold truthor you know, truth by lie,
by omission, whatever the case,they're like, you know, you
don't really need to know that rightnow, you'll know it on that more
need to know base. Yeah.I feel like I feel like when people
(43:05):
like I'm I feel like when peoplehave to figure out a way to approach
a situation, it's good to becompassionate or empathetic to say, dang,
I have I have done something tothis person, or this person may feel
(43:30):
a certain way about our interaction andit's not my fault. But it's good
as a human person to say that, like um, that it's it's important
to understand that it takes a lotto be vulnerable. So when someone tells
you how they feel, that's avulnerability, right, because that can be
(43:52):
used to fins them. So it'speople in the chat with us now,
it's people here with us now.No people know this episode, no,
because okay, So in leadership,sometimes there's things that you have to withhold
(44:15):
and there's sometimes you have to likesometimes you show your hands, sometimes you
only show part of your hand.Sometimes you have to say I hear you.
I understand where you're coming from.The work still needs to get done,
right. You may not like washingdishes, but on this shift at
this Starbucks, you are dishwasher.Right now, I got you. You
(44:38):
need you need help reorganizing the sanitizer, I got you. But right now,
in this shift you're washing dishes.We're breaking down everything else. Because
the last time we actually to mopthe floor, you missed half the floor.
You didn't sweep, the floor wasn'tclean. It was very sticky in
the morning. So guess what,you're not on the mop anymore. I
(45:01):
hate sticky floors. So you're backhere washing dishes because you do dishes well
and so so I think that it'smore of a point. It's not really
a lie. It's stretching the struthof just like, hey, so right
now, we don't have the capacityto wait for you to mop the floor
for an hour thirty minutes. Somebodyelse can get done in thirty minutes.
(45:22):
And you knock out dishes very quickly. I know you don't like them,
that's why you use them very quickly. But once you do them, you're
good. I have lotion on deckfor you. I have Aqua four if
you need it to make sure yourhands aren't dry. I got gloves for
you. Let me know what youneed. If you need another apron to
help you get through. Got you, I understand. But you are not
the floor mopper. You are thedishwasher. Yeah, it's just like with
(45:45):
group work. You play to people'sstrengths. You. Yes, absolutely see,
I don't consider We're not gonna getoff topic here, but I don't
consider those lies. I think that'smore so just emphasizing people's strengths. So
like, okay, if that personis a stronger dishwasher than they are,
if they're crappy floor mapper, I'mnot. I'm just not gonna mention the
(46:06):
floor mapping. I'm just gonna say, you know what, no one does
dishes like you. I think,Oh I don't. I don't play on
people's egos like that like I do. I I can't because I because I
know that that sometimes taking you offof something purposely because you've been screwing up.
(46:27):
So I'm not gonna I'm not gonnaplay it like, oh my gosh,
you're the gold star dishwasher and that'swhy we don't have you upfront wiping
down countersh Like that's that's what it'sgonna be. So but I'll tell you
that, Tay. I want youto understand why you're doing this. And
even if you don't care, I'mletting you know. If we the whole
(46:49):
point is to get out in fortyfive minutes after closing. If I put
you on the floors, we're gonnabe here till midnight. You're having flashbacks
right now, We're gonna We're gonnabe here till midnight. So guess what
you're gonna be washing dishes. There'sa specific person that you worked with at
Starbucks, and he's this He hadnot trades. What do they call the
(47:15):
gold teeth things grills? I don'tknow, Oh my gosh, he had.
He had a grill in and hesaid that he keeps his grilling because
his teeth are so sensitive. Sohe had gold grills in the front.
And he was just like he wouldstart washing dishes real slow, and I'm
like, no, you can playthis game, and I will sit here
(47:38):
in this chair and watch you washdishes while because we're done cleaning and you're
the only one taking a long timeon purpose. So I forgot your name.
I know it starts with a D, but y'all remember Richard. It
was too specific. I knew it. I knew it. It was I
(47:58):
want to I'm trying to think ofthe street name of the Starbucks I worked
at in California. It was likethe weird It was that weird area,
which it was like that weird placewhere where Panola and Richmond met. It
(48:19):
wasn't Point Richmond, but it wasn't. It wasn't. Oh was it over
near If you drive down San Pablo. You'll pass it now. We gotta
look it up later. We gottalook it up. I'm trying to think,
but lying to people you have toyou just have to be crafty about
how you do it. Play totheir strengths obviously, but I feel like
(48:44):
ultimately it has to come to aplace of compas. It has to come
from a place of compassion. Andif you're not compassionately thinking about my well
being, which is like the endgoal in all of this, keep it.
You're going to therapy, I mean, usually you have something going on
that requires compassion. Yeah, Soif you're a therapist and you're listening to
(49:07):
this, don't tell your patients thatthey are a bill because it's it may
be true, it may be true, but some things don't need to be
said. But I will say,um, as we're wrapping up this episode,
(49:28):
that I have gotten some great tools, great tricks, tips, resources
for from therapists and other people inthe mental mental wellness field. Um,
I don't know the exact terms foreverything. Like I just learned about the
(49:50):
empty chair technique. Um, Ijust learned what it's called. I've been
apparently I've been using it for years. But she just called it by its
name during one of my other sessions. Yeah, And she's like, did
you get out everything you needed toget out? And I was like yeah.
She was like, oh, okay, that's great, Like you want
to talk about it? No,not really, Okay, we can move
on. Learning. Learning different techniqueshas just been just you know, it
(50:16):
helps of just like checking with likeis this a fact or is this a
feeling? You know? Or whyor pulling the thread to find out what
the core memory of this thing isand yeah, yeah, like why is
this a trigger? You know?Learning how to work through triggers, that's
(50:38):
a huge one. Um u,I say, counseling the children as we
call it, oh child, oh, parenting yourself, that is one.
I'm still like, I feel likeall of my people have like integrated very
(50:59):
well, but I still have LikeI just met thirty two a couple of
days ago, but I still havelike eight around And so it's really cool
to she's thirty six years old,by the way, just putting that out
there, I mean you are too, and you're apparently you're feeling it just
(51:21):
as much as me. Yeah.So it's just like learning different techniques how
to move through life. To notbe a victim, right to be in
control of your actions and managing youremotions. That's all a me thing.
(51:42):
That's all what I've been working on. And so I think in the world
really and understanding the world and you'replacing it, and how to exist in
it without losing yourself, and howto still be in touch with it,
with people and things in the worldwithout losing sight of who you are and
what you want. That's me.It's it's it's such a great feeling to
(52:08):
have someone who is going to keepyou in line. Oh my gosh,
I just remember the older we wouldwe would call her the auntie um and
our community. Uh she when sheread me left right up and down,
I would, ma'am much. Yeah, I remember that. I know exactly
(52:30):
what you're talking about. Oh likehold wait, hold one, ma'am.
You don't. I mean, you'renot wrong, but like slow downs.
The first session, I'm new,I knew who like coome one. Um.
(52:52):
But it's it's been such um,even even with the bad. It's
because one of the therapists that Iknew it was over, knew it was
over when he said, um,you're too smart to be depressed and I
was just like, duh, Igotta go through all this again with somebody
(53:12):
he was. He was just like, you're too intelligent to be depressed like
and to be anxious. You know, this stuff isn't real. And I
was like, yes, my logicbrain says that, my emotional brain doesn't
know that, Like how do Iwork through the And so I feel like,
um, I feel like sometimes there'stoo much of a cultural barrier sometimes
to connect with people. He wasan older white man, older, yeah,
(53:37):
he was Jewish, yeah, andso it was just like he was
just like, you're you're just tooYou're too smart. And I was like,
what are you even here for?Dude? What do you what are
you even here for? All thismoney into this Now I gotta do it
all over again with somebody else.I mean that's and so I feel like,
Um, when you have a therapistand you find one that is good,
(54:00):
you find one that's going to holdyou accountable, You find one that
is going to keep you on track, You find one that is going to
keep your goals in mind and alsochallenge you. Because I think that's for
me, having someone to challenge me, because I'm not challenged as often as
I would like to be, buthaving someone to challenge me, to challenge
(54:23):
my thoughts, to challenge my likeare you really doing everything you need to
do? Are you really doing thisthe best of your ability? And I'm
like, no, okay, sowhat plans can we make to get there?
And I think that having someone inthat corner is it's just it's like
(54:46):
it's crucial. Yeah. I thinkeverybody needs to be in therapy, especially
people who don't think they need therapy, because you're the reason why we're at
therapy. Like, if you thinkthat you don't need therapy, I can
guarantee you have something there that needsto be unpacked that you would that would
(55:08):
elevate you to the next level,that would really put you in a space
where you're not taking your misery outon other people. But I digress,
let me, let me move on. You know, therapy, I mean,
yes, people will people people outhere, people in all the time.
So yes, there's going to bepeople that you don't mesh well with
(55:30):
and therapy. But when you goto health and wellness, whether you're envy
UM in the in the therapist office, the counsel's office, psychiatric's office,
UM and sstral healing grounds or UM. There's also another one that combines like
spiritual healing with yoga, and there'sa lot of different spaces that are opening
(55:53):
up. I actually want to trythat. It's I don't know if I'm
ready for that, because that's afull body, even emotional like you've been
putting the Ringer experience if you're personally. I think I am ready for that
because I've done so much work withUM just getting everything together, just anxiety
(56:15):
wise, that now I'm in thespace with like the pain management class and
stuff. Everything is connecting the twoand making sure that I'm in touch with
my body and different parts of mybody to feel where certain pains are and
understand how those are connected to certainemotions. So I'm open to it.
(56:37):
Yeah, I'll tell you about Itell you I've seen people. I've seen
clips of people doing it, likethey come in they're in the robes,
and when men do it, itis emotional just watching them through the screen.
Yeah, because to see a man, you know, express forgiveness a
(56:58):
man except like that he doesn't haveto be angry anymore, like outwardly parenting
his child, the kid in himlike it is it is I always crying
Black men cry anyway, Like that'sthat's just like black aren't allowed the space
to be vulnerable, right in adifferent way than how black women aren't allowed
to be vulnerable and right, butit's like the same book, different chapters,
(57:23):
but um, it's yeah, justto have that space for it.
If you find send me some ofthose clips whenever, if you don't mind,
Okay, yeah, it is.It is a lot. I mean,
you're not going to like a yearlike way out in the middle of
you aware you're going to a facility, but the healing, like the healing
(57:44):
agents are around you, talking youthrew it, like you get into this
um meditative state so that you canaccess different parts of your trauma, and
they do it through different parts ofyour body. And I mean it is
when I say it's a full bodyexperience, I'm like, there are just
(58:07):
some things that I'm just like Ifeel like I would be very light obviously,
but I feel like also it'd beif it looks like I know it's
not, I know it's not,but it looks like giving birth, Like
yeah, the emotional equivalent, yes, emotional equivalent of giving birth, Like
(58:30):
you're giving birth to this new person. And it's a very emotional, spiritual,
mental experience that you're combining everything intoone to to release those things.
And I'm not saying that once youdo it, you're healed of everything,
but there's a lot of trauma thatyou get to unlocked and work through in
those sessions. And yes, yousho go back from multiple sessions, but
(58:52):
give you, um untether yourself tothe traumas of the past. Yeah,
into it. Yeah, I'm justlike who I mean, I don't have
anything to lose if I do it, but um still it's something that you
(59:14):
want to build towards if you everdo it. I mean I have,
like you, I have done alot of work to try to get through
all this stuff. Um, butI feel like I don't know what I
would need to be ready for thatkind of thing, but I feel like
like I feel like I would haveto. I would I would need to
(59:35):
be in solitude before and after totry to like get right in all like
it would hoof Yeah, yeah,so if I find if I find more,
hey Google, send me some morestuff. Um. But because you
know they're listening, So while I'mwhile I'm talking about this stuff, like
put that in my algorithm so Ican see those things. Oh, it's
(01:00:00):
really talking to me now, heyGoogle, stop Google Talk. It's really
it's really talking about what love isnot gonna be sending recommendations for yurts and
stuff. We heard you say rightsare you? Are you on a spiritual
(01:00:21):
journey? Yeah? So I feellike, um, I feel like that
as you as you're you know,going through your life's journey and you want
to explore mental health, mental wellness, mental health wellness. Yeah, if
you want to explore any of thosethings, like you know, feel free
(01:00:44):
to reach out. Like, yes, we it's only two of us that
we've had our background experiences, likeI've been throughout the country going to different
therapists things like that. I thinkthat I think that I've been doing pretty
well. Um um, you know, or reach out to a therapist online.
There's a lot online who are givingdifferent tips and helping to establish boundaries
(01:01:04):
and you know, relationships, thingslike that. But I am really glad
that this friend has untethered herself fromthe trauma of her therapists and you and
I mean you can too. Justbecause you've been doing something for a long
time doesn't mean now keep doing it. You do not you can, you
(01:01:27):
can absolutely keep I've been doing itfor seven years. You know what's worse
than doing it for seven years?Doing it for eight years? Doing this
for seven years, hating it forsix Let's to the math, right,
let's let's not let's not go downthat path. So, you know,
do what makes you feel happy,Do what makes you feel alive, as
long as it's not hurting anybody else. You know, don't hurt anybody.
(01:01:51):
Don't be a jerk. Come on, Jason, where can people find you?
People can find me on the streets. People can find me. Um
wow wow at Burlington Colt Factory orMrvin's during back to school season? Not
ns kk my um the she's stillShe's still gonna be listed as like co
(01:02:16):
hosted the show, right um kk. We were in a conversation and she
said somebody was asking, hoh,do you know where I can go get
some shoes? And she said Mervin's. Now. She said it seriously too,
She said she said Mervin's has beenclosed since you know about Mrvin's,
(01:02:38):
And was just like she was justlike, yeah, what's gonna Murvin's.
I'm like never shopped at Mervin's.You two that. It's like if you
said sears or, I wouldn't evenallow k bark. But you went all
the way back to Murvin's. Doyou remember Miller's Outpost and Anchor Blue?
Same story to change your name.They were in Hilltop, I mean they
(01:03:00):
were in malls in general. Theysold jeans, a lot of jeans.
Anchor Blue. Yeah, I don't, I don't recall. Yeah, it
was I think it was Miller's Outpostfirst and then they changed this to Anchor
Blue. But anyway, you canfind me on Twitter, Instagram, UM
the Clock one JJ Underscore Newberry withthe finger Guns and please follow us and
(01:03:27):
take a stace podcast as take aspace pod on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook,
Ticket, talk of all the Things, UM, take a space pod,
Take a space pod on Facebook,Instagram, Twitter, All the Things
UM, and let us know,like what your experience has been with therapy.
I love to hear them. Sendus an email, UM, send
(01:03:50):
us DM. Let us know whatyour thoughts are. Have you been in
therapy? Are you consider your therapy? What don't you like about therapy?
Are you being held accountable of therapy? What's holding you hostage? Like?
What emotions? Yeah? Don't.I really, I don't want to answer
that question because I immediately thought ofgoing to the Year and how I don't
(01:04:12):
want to do it yet. Butthank you all so much for tuning in.
We'll see you next time. Untilthen, you know, be good
to yourself and be good to thosewho are good to you, even if
they're not good to you. Sowe good to other people. Karmen is
a real thing, all right,hie. Guys, give yourself great
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com