January 8, 2025 • 20 mins
In this no-holds-barred episode, we’re diving deep into what’s really holding you back from attracting the life and love you deserve: fighting with your ex. If you’re stuck in a cycle of negativity, chaos, and emotional turmoil, it’s time to take control. I’m introducing you to the DEARMAN method, a simple yet powerful communication tool that will help you:
Quotes from this episode:
- Stop reacting to your ex’s drama.
- Protect your peace (and your sanity).
- Create space for the right partner to come into your life.
- The 3 steps to protect your peace, no matter what life throws your way.
- How to create a "peace ritual" to stay grounded when chaos strikes.
- Why transferring your reaction can literally change your life (yes, we’re talking about squats here!).
- The game-changing power of the DEARMAN method to handle tough conversations with confidence and clarity.
- How to stop letting your ex (or anyone else) control your emotions or your future.
Quotes from this episode:
- "Protecting your peace isn’t selfish—it’s survival."
- "Your ex doesn’t get to control your emotions or your future. Period."
- "High-value men aren’t looking for chaos. They’re looking for a queen."
- "RSVP No to drama and Yes to your dreams."
- Start your 10-minute peace ritual: Grab a cup of tea, write down 3 things you’re grateful for, and set your intentions for the day.
- Make your "transferring reactions" list: Write down 5 actions that will propel you toward your goals when chaos hits (hint: squats are a fun one!).
- Download the free DEARMAN Template in the show notes and practice it for your next tough conversation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Brave Podcast Network. We divorce them on paper, so let's
divorce them in our brains too. We've worked really hard.
Many of you have to break free from toxic relationships.
Here we are sometimes still allowing them to control our
emotions and dictate our future. We have big things to
do together, and it's not fair that we allow our
(00:21):
progress to be derailed by someone who's no longer even
in our lives anymore. They don't get to destroy your future.
Single Mom Collective is more than a podcast. This is
an online community where we meet three times a week
live here. Some of the recordings from the community here
on the podcast. You just missed in the Q and
(00:41):
A after you want to be a part of the
next recording, man, I'd love to have you.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
It's super easy, super affordable.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I put the link to join in the show notes
a girl, It's less than a trip to target.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Or maybe you're like, I mean, I really.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Don't want to talk about all my personal stuff in
a big group.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
That's okay.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
If you would like one on one coaching for your
single mom life, co parenting, peaceful parenting, or finding love
again how to use the dating apps, I would love
to work for you. I offer one free coaching call.
You and I can get on the phone. I'll listen
to what's going on, give you all the advice I
can in that call, and you can see if it's
a good fit for me to be your coach again.
(01:22):
The link is in the show notes. All right, let's
get into the podcast. Here's the one thing in your
life that's preventing you from finding a high value man
to date and to have a great relationship with is
that you're still fighting with your ex.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
This episode got real personal.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I'm going to teach you this sweet little tactic you
can use called dear Man. It's how to diffuse any
argument with your ex so that you can keep your peace,
stop the fighting, and freaking move on. Because, let me
tell you, when we have all that negative energy, it
shows up in dating because then we think every guy
that we're talking to is going to be like our ex,
(02:01):
because we're just stuck in a cycle of negativity. That's
why this podcast was so important for me to bring
to you today. So recording inside the Single mom Collective
about how to protect your peace and not RSVP yes to.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Every fight your ex invites you too.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Why is that so important?
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Again?
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Because if you finally stop all the fighting with your
ex and it's got to be a decision for you,
then you become highly attractive to the right high value partner,
because high value men who want to live in an amazing
future with you don't want you to bring everybody in
the family down because you're still fighting with your ex.
(02:41):
I'm being blunt here, but if you find yourself triggered
with your ex and still letting that derail your attitude,
maybe even your ability at work and your relationships, this
episode is a must if you know a friend who's
going through that right now. Hey, just Senimon I slate like, Hey,
thought this would encourage you. Okay, let's get into it.
(03:04):
I'm so glad you're here in the middle of chaos,
whether it's something you're X did, something the kids did,
something your boss did, or something that's in the news. Again,
that's really freaking you out. How do we not let
this derail our future? Really personal for me today because
I really struggle with this. There was a time in
(03:25):
my life when I really felt like chaos was my
constant companion, and I got so used to it that
it was weird when things weren't in chaos, almost like
I would enter into chaotic mode only because that was
my normal. Anybody else experience that, and then like peace
and calm felt weird. We've got to undo that. As
(03:48):
single moms, I used to wake up every morning feeling
like I was stepping into a battlefield, like Okay, I'm
ready to fight, dealing with the ex stress of raising
kids alone and everything else that life through it. I
was doing a very high pressure job at a radio
station that I had to perform every single time and
get ratings and keep the listeners and make more money,
(04:10):
and oh my gosh, every day was a battle. And
I found myself because of that reacting too much to
every little thing, and my piece was constantly shattered by circumstances.
I felt like I couldn't control. But here's the truth
that I learned. We may not be able to control
all the chaos around us, but we do get to
(04:33):
control how we respond to it. That's what we get control.
We can't stop the ex from actin up, the boss
from acting up, but we can control how we allow
it to affect us. And I see so many of
us in our community, really amazing, strong, resilient women who
you are setting such big goals for yourself. You want
(04:54):
to make find love again and find a wonderful partner
and have a great relationship. You want to increase your income,
you want to start a business, you want to reach
some weight loss goals, and we've got to stay focused today.
I want to inspire you to stay focused and not
let anything derail. We have big things to do together,
(05:15):
and it's not fair that we allow our progress to
be derailed by someone who's no longer even in our
lives anymore. We divorce them on paper, so let's divorce
them in our brains too. We've worked really hard, many
of you have to break free from toxic relationships. Here
we are sometimes still allowing them to control our emotions
(05:36):
and dictate our future. I hope a little bit that
that light's a fire in you right now. It doesn't mean.
It almost makes me a little mad to think about
all the times that I reacted and I let it
ruin my entire week instead of going for my goals
that week that was messed up. And it makes me
mad for you too, that we get thrown off course
(05:58):
by actions in the world, or buy an exit who
doesn't deserve the kind of power over your future anymore.
They don't get to destroy your future. We get to
decide what our future looks like no one else. So
today I want to give you three inspirational tips so
(06:19):
you can protect that piece, because your piece is yours
and you get to fight it, fight for it. Like,
just think about it, all those amazing times when you're thinking,
think back, like what was the happiest you've ever been,
Maybe the best age or the best experience, Like I
(06:40):
like I am, like I loved thirty five when I
was thirty five. I just felt like that was an
awesome year. I'd just got divorce, I got my own
place for the first time, Like I was like loving it.
Or maybe it's a relationship you were in, or maybe
it was a job you had, or maybe it's right
now what some of those times, if you think back,
that was amazing. And the more we remember that feeling,
(07:02):
the more we can chase it down and experience more
of it. And here's how to do it. I've got
three tips to protect your piece, because again, piece is
what we can own ourselves. Number one is creating a
piece ritual. We can't avoid every emotional trigger, but we
can absolutely prepare for them, And one of the biggest
(07:25):
game changers for me was creating a healthy piece ritual,
something small I can do when I feel triggered, and
then I made it a normal routine. And many of
you in metamorphosis know this as owning the first hour
of your day. But maybe you're like, I don't have
that right now when I feel triggered. So I want
(07:45):
you to think about a ten minute piece ritual. Instead
of firing back angry text or feeling sad and wanting
to crawl back in bed, I want you to make
a cup of tea coffee, something that's calming, sit in stillness,
and write three things that you're grateful for, just three.
(08:09):
Studies have shown that just switching your mind to things
that are good has an incredible powerful impact on your
mental health. I do this every single morning. Now I'm
down to ten things a day, and this ritual grounds me,
brings me back to center, and it reminds me that
I control how I feel. No one else gets to
(08:32):
have that power, girl, No one else gets to have
power over your emotions, no one even Maybe it's memories
that are triggered that we can reset. Man, I'm grateful
for that I'm free. I'm grateful that I feel safe.
(08:52):
I'm grateful that I'm healthy, that I'm strong. Make it
a pe ritual that you go through before you fire
back a text, before you crawl in bed, think about
all those wonderful things. It can be as simple as
a walk, taking a few deep breaths, going searching like
calming meditation on YouTube and finding a five minute one
(09:16):
to listen to, or even if it's like your favorite
powerful song. The idea is though to have it planned
and advance because often when we're getting triggered and we
feel like, oh no, I don't want anyone else or
any news event to have power over my piece or
my emotions, we have to have it already planned in
(09:37):
advance what we're going to do instead that piece ritual,
so we'd be like, oh, I'm going to put this
song on. It's a song, a new song that you
absolutely love and that makes you happy, or maybe it's
just those deep breaths or a run or doing a
couple squats that brings me to tip Number two. First
(09:58):
is let's create a piece. Let's promise that we're going
to do that first instead of react. And number two
is transfer your reaction when chaos hits our natural instinct
again curl open a ball benchwatch Netflix, or disengage from
life entirely. I get it. I've been there. We've all
been there. Here's the thing. Those reactions don't serve us,
(10:21):
especially if it's drinking too much alcohol or alone, or
deciding to date guys you really have no business being
going out with because you're just lonely. Instead of giving
into the chaos, I challenge you to transfer your reaction.
Maybe you're thinking, what is a transferring reaction list? It's
a list. We teach this in metamorphosis. It's a list
(10:43):
of all the things that you can do that are
not only good for you, but will also propel you
towards your goals. So when you're feeling triggered, instead of
withdrawing or reacting impulsively, you go to that list and
even put it on your desk, put it on your
bathroom mirror, or right by your coffee maker, whereever you
feel like, oh God, what is on my list? I
don't want to react. I don't want anyone to have
(11:05):
power over my emotions. I've got power it Cad again
the run, working on a project, calling a friend and
asking for support. One of my clients had a goal
of losing weight and she, let's just be honest, she
wanted her ass to look better in a pair genes. Okay,
so what she decided to do. I was like, well,
what if our transferring reaction is every time she's triggered
(11:27):
because her ex shows up with the new girlfriend and
it makes her feel bad about herself, and then she
would want to cry and go home, and then we
wouldn't work on our goals for a week. So instead,
I'm like, well, what if you just like did twenty squats,
like instead of he calls, or he calls or they
show up somewhere and you just like go somewhere. You're
like in your office. You're like, I'm just gonna it's
(11:49):
going to do some squats real quick. And then it's
almost funny. And she said, you know what, I would
get these mean texts from him, and instead of crying
and getting upset, I started to because every time he
tried to reach out and affect my emotions, he made
my butt look better. It's like exactly. And then all
of a sudden you're like, hey, oh, thanks for the effort, dude,
(12:10):
thanks for trying to derail me. I am going to
do some squats here. It makes it kind of funny.
I mean that's a release specific minute example, and I
know there are more intense things, but right now, real quick,
maybe you get a piece of paper or type it
out on your phone or something nearby. What are five
transferring reactions something that matches a goal. Maybe it's applying
(12:34):
for a job to make more money. Maybe it is,
you know, wanting to grow your Instagram. Some of you are.
It's like, oh, I'm going to make a post right now,
instead of getting mad or triggered, something that matches a goal,
so instead of being derailed by a reaction, it will
propel you forward. Every time you choose to respond in
(13:00):
way that moves you closer to your goals. You're taking
control back of your life. And it feels fantastic, like
I want it to be fun almost like it's a
game now, almost like you're like, oh, really that's all
you got? Go ahead, try try to come at me.
I got something else, I got something else you want
to make me better?
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Go ahead.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
I'm not going to give into that no way. And
we also need our children to see us reacting like that,
We don't want our children to be like, oh man,
mom's sat again, Mom's upset again. We want our children
to see us, Wow, look at mom. Nothing bothers her
like she's just working hard for it. So that's tip
number two. We want to create our peaceful ritual. That's
(13:44):
number one. Come up with our list of transferring reactions.
That's number two. And number three is I want you
to decide right now to RSVP no to the fights
you're invited to. There's only one and why we can
RSVP yes to a battle with an X or anything
(14:04):
else in life. I'm going to share that with you
right now. Sometimes the hardest part of protecting our piece
is knowing when not to engage. Not every battle is
worth fighting, you know that. So I want to introduce
you to a couple of tactics that have been the
life savers for me. When someone tries to bait you
into an argument or stirs up unnecessary drama, ask yourself
(14:28):
this question, will this matter in ten years? If the
answer is no, then drop it. It's not worth engaging
in that emotional battle we or even sending back a
text to them. That's where we live in Gray Rock,
where thumbs up or k doesn't matter. I'll use myself
(14:51):
as an example. I got a text message, an auto
text message from a doctor that my daughter had an
appointment that I didn't know about and I didn't schedule,
and we're supposed to make all these medical decisions together.
But I was like, oh, look at that, he's scheduled
a doctor's appointment on his own. And then I got
to fire back an email because will that matter in
the next ten years? No, So I left it alone.
(15:13):
So there are many things that you probably can leave
alone that will bring you more peace if the answer
is yes, this is going to matter, and there are
there are many things that do I need to respond?
And to this we use dear man. It's an acronym
a communication strategy that allows you really to ground stand
(15:33):
your ground with clarity and respect without escalating the situation.
So when your ex or anyone else is trying to
get a reaction out of you that you can use
the gray rock technique, become so boring and unresponsive that
they absolutely lose interest.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
You're like, thumbs up, Okay, whatever.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
No emotion. If it needs your response, then we can
use it, and we can use it and to chat GPT.
This is the cool thing about this, And I've got
a handout for you to hand out. Listen to me.
I'm like a teacher, an old fashioned teacher. A PDF
that I can send you that breaks all of this
down with the specific prompt to put into CHATCHEPT so
(16:12):
that it can write the email for you and help
you fight that battle, so you're not even having to
type out an angry email. So, dear man, is a
communication strategy that helps you express your needs clearly without
getting sucked into emotional chaos. It stands for dear man
if you write it out, describe the situation, express your feelings,
(16:33):
assert your needs, reinforce the benefits, stay mindful of your attitude,
a pure confident even though sometimes we don't, and negotiate
if necessary. And this is something that is extremely powerful,
especially when you're dealing with co parenting issues or anything.
I've used it with teachers. This will not give into
(16:58):
the drama and it will keep the peace without you
feeling like you got to be a doormat. You stand
your ground and you communicate in a way that protects
your peace while still addressing an important issue. I find
it incredibly supportive for me and keeping my peace because
again I'm not engaging in writing out the whole email.
(17:21):
This will change your life. It will change the way
you live, the way you respond, and ultimately the way
that you thrive. I would love for you to decide,
right here, right now, that your ex or anyone else
no longer has the power to control your piece who's
with me, no more giving them the keys to your
(17:44):
emotional wellbeing. I don't want to do that anymore. You
are the one in control because here's the reality, the
chaos around us. It's not gonna stop. Even though we're like,
when's it gonna stop, It's not gonna I wish I
could be your fairy godmother and do one of those
bibity boppity boos and stop it. But remember, your power
(18:06):
lies in how you respond. You can either let it
derail you or you can use it to fuel your growth.
I want that The choice is yours, and I'm here
to help you even when you stumble. So if there's
something that you're like, I'm really struggling with this whole
(18:26):
protect your piece thing and not engaging in battles and really,
more importantly, not allowing something bad that goes on to
make me or like a broken relationship or a bad
date or a mean a comment from an ex. I
take three days out emotionally and I can't function. We
can't do that anymore. So if that's you, then you
(18:49):
can reach out to me and a message and an
email whatever way you want to, and you and I
can get on a one on one and we can
work through this together, because I am on a mission
to help you protect your piece so you can really
thrive and enjoy your life.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
You're not alone.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
I've got some goodies for you to help you implement this.
Go into the show notes and you'll find a link
to my free Dear Man template. This is how to
finally find peace with your ex in the communications Girl.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Go download that again. It's completely free.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
And if you're really struggling with it and you're like
I need some more help, like I need you to
know my situation, I'm here for you. There's another link
in the show notes where you can click on that
and you can book a free one on.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
One empowerment call. Together.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
You and I are going to talk about how you
stop the fighting with your ex, chase down a better life,
and meet a high value partner.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
So you can get the life and the love that
you've always deserved. I would love to work.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
With you again. All the links are in the show
notes and one more thing, Hey girl, send this to
a friend. This recording was done inside the Single Mom Collective.
It's a price community where women meet who are focused
on their future and having better lives, making more money,
gaining more wisdom, and finding high value partners.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
What you missed is the Q and A.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
That's what follows where I answer all of the questions
that you have as you're navigating this single mom life
and dating life. So if you want to be a
part of the next one, you can join the Single
Mom Collective for less than a trip to Target. Girl,
it's a no brainer. That link is in the show
notes too. I wouldn't send this to a friend. I
love you.
Brave Podcast Network. We divorce them on paper, so let's
divorce them in our brains too. We've worked really hard.
Many of you have to break free from toxic relationships.
Here we are sometimes still allowing them to control our
emotions and dictate our future. We have big things to
do together, and it's not fair that we allow our
(00:21):
progress to be derailed by someone who's no longer even
in our lives anymore. They don't get to destroy your future.
Single Mom Collective is more than a podcast. This is
an online community where we meet three times a week
live here. Some of the recordings from the community here
on the podcast. You just missed in the Q and
(00:41):
A after you want to be a part of the
next recording, man, I'd love to have you.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
It's super easy, super affordable.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I put the link to join in the show notes
a girl, It's less than a trip to target.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Or maybe you're like, I mean, I really.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Don't want to talk about all my personal stuff in
a big group.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
That's okay.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
If you would like one on one coaching for your
single mom life, co parenting, peaceful parenting, or finding love
again how to use the dating apps, I would love
to work for you. I offer one free coaching call.
You and I can get on the phone. I'll listen
to what's going on, give you all the advice I
can in that call, and you can see if it's
a good fit for me to be your coach again.
(01:22):
The link is in the show notes. All right, let's
get into the podcast. Here's the one thing in your
life that's preventing you from finding a high value man
to date and to have a great relationship with is
that you're still fighting with your ex.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
This episode got real personal.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I'm going to teach you this sweet little tactic you
can use called dear Man. It's how to diffuse any
argument with your ex so that you can keep your peace,
stop the fighting, and freaking move on. Because, let me
tell you, when we have all that negative energy, it
shows up in dating because then we think every guy
that we're talking to is going to be like our ex,
(02:01):
because we're just stuck in a cycle of negativity. That's
why this podcast was so important for me to bring
to you today. So recording inside the Single mom Collective
about how to protect your peace and not RSVP yes to.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Every fight your ex invites you too.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Why is that so important?
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Again?
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Because if you finally stop all the fighting with your
ex and it's got to be a decision for you,
then you become highly attractive to the right high value partner,
because high value men who want to live in an amazing
future with you don't want you to bring everybody in
the family down because you're still fighting with your ex.
(02:41):
I'm being blunt here, but if you find yourself triggered
with your ex and still letting that derail your attitude,
maybe even your ability at work and your relationships, this
episode is a must if you know a friend who's
going through that right now. Hey, just Senimon I slate like, Hey,
thought this would encourage you. Okay, let's get into it.
(03:04):
I'm so glad you're here in the middle of chaos,
whether it's something you're X did, something the kids did,
something your boss did, or something that's in the news. Again,
that's really freaking you out. How do we not let
this derail our future? Really personal for me today because
I really struggle with this. There was a time in
(03:25):
my life when I really felt like chaos was my
constant companion, and I got so used to it that
it was weird when things weren't in chaos, almost like
I would enter into chaotic mode only because that was
my normal. Anybody else experience that, and then like peace
and calm felt weird. We've got to undo that. As
(03:48):
single moms, I used to wake up every morning feeling
like I was stepping into a battlefield, like Okay, I'm
ready to fight, dealing with the ex stress of raising
kids alone and everything else that life through it. I
was doing a very high pressure job at a radio
station that I had to perform every single time and
get ratings and keep the listeners and make more money,
(04:10):
and oh my gosh, every day was a battle. And
I found myself because of that reacting too much to
every little thing, and my piece was constantly shattered by circumstances.
I felt like I couldn't control. But here's the truth
that I learned. We may not be able to control
all the chaos around us, but we do get to
(04:33):
control how we respond to it. That's what we get control.
We can't stop the ex from actin up, the boss
from acting up, but we can control how we allow
it to affect us. And I see so many of
us in our community, really amazing, strong, resilient women who
you are setting such big goals for yourself. You want
(04:54):
to make find love again and find a wonderful partner
and have a great relationship. You want to increase your income,
you want to start a business, you want to reach
some weight loss goals, and we've got to stay focused today.
I want to inspire you to stay focused and not
let anything derail. We have big things to do together,
(05:15):
and it's not fair that we allow our progress to
be derailed by someone who's no longer even in our
lives anymore. We divorce them on paper, so let's divorce
them in our brains too. We've worked really hard, many
of you have to break free from toxic relationships. Here
we are sometimes still allowing them to control our emotions
(05:36):
and dictate our future. I hope a little bit that
that light's a fire in you right now. It doesn't mean.
It almost makes me a little mad to think about
all the times that I reacted and I let it
ruin my entire week instead of going for my goals
that week that was messed up. And it makes me
mad for you too, that we get thrown off course
(05:58):
by actions in the world, or buy an exit who
doesn't deserve the kind of power over your future anymore.
They don't get to destroy your future. We get to
decide what our future looks like no one else. So
today I want to give you three inspirational tips so
(06:19):
you can protect that piece, because your piece is yours
and you get to fight it, fight for it. Like,
just think about it, all those amazing times when you're thinking,
think back, like what was the happiest you've ever been,
Maybe the best age or the best experience, Like I
(06:40):
like I am, like I loved thirty five when I
was thirty five. I just felt like that was an
awesome year. I'd just got divorce, I got my own
place for the first time, Like I was like loving it.
Or maybe it's a relationship you were in, or maybe
it was a job you had, or maybe it's right
now what some of those times, if you think back,
that was amazing. And the more we remember that feeling,
(07:02):
the more we can chase it down and experience more
of it. And here's how to do it. I've got
three tips to protect your piece, because again, piece is
what we can own ourselves. Number one is creating a
piece ritual. We can't avoid every emotional trigger, but we
can absolutely prepare for them, And one of the biggest
(07:25):
game changers for me was creating a healthy piece ritual,
something small I can do when I feel triggered, and
then I made it a normal routine. And many of
you in metamorphosis know this as owning the first hour
of your day. But maybe you're like, I don't have
that right now when I feel triggered. So I want
(07:45):
you to think about a ten minute piece ritual. Instead
of firing back angry text or feeling sad and wanting
to crawl back in bed, I want you to make
a cup of tea coffee, something that's calming, sit in stillness,
and write three things that you're grateful for, just three.
(08:09):
Studies have shown that just switching your mind to things
that are good has an incredible powerful impact on your
mental health. I do this every single morning. Now I'm
down to ten things a day, and this ritual grounds me,
brings me back to center, and it reminds me that
I control how I feel. No one else gets to
(08:32):
have that power, girl, No one else gets to have
power over your emotions, no one even Maybe it's memories
that are triggered that we can reset. Man, I'm grateful
for that I'm free. I'm grateful that I feel safe.
(08:52):
I'm grateful that I'm healthy, that I'm strong. Make it
a pe ritual that you go through before you fire
back a text, before you crawl in bed, think about
all those wonderful things. It can be as simple as
a walk, taking a few deep breaths, going searching like
calming meditation on YouTube and finding a five minute one
(09:16):
to listen to, or even if it's like your favorite
powerful song. The idea is though to have it planned
and advance because often when we're getting triggered and we
feel like, oh no, I don't want anyone else or
any news event to have power over my piece or
my emotions, we have to have it already planned in
(09:37):
advance what we're going to do instead that piece ritual,
so we'd be like, oh, I'm going to put this
song on. It's a song, a new song that you
absolutely love and that makes you happy, or maybe it's
just those deep breaths or a run or doing a
couple squats that brings me to tip Number two. First
(09:58):
is let's create a piece. Let's promise that we're going
to do that first instead of react. And number two
is transfer your reaction when chaos hits our natural instinct
again curl open a ball benchwatch Netflix, or disengage from
life entirely. I get it. I've been there. We've all
been there. Here's the thing. Those reactions don't serve us,
(10:21):
especially if it's drinking too much alcohol or alone, or
deciding to date guys you really have no business being
going out with because you're just lonely. Instead of giving
into the chaos, I challenge you to transfer your reaction.
Maybe you're thinking, what is a transferring reaction list? It's
a list. We teach this in metamorphosis. It's a list
(10:43):
of all the things that you can do that are
not only good for you, but will also propel you
towards your goals. So when you're feeling triggered, instead of
withdrawing or reacting impulsively, you go to that list and
even put it on your desk, put it on your
bathroom mirror, or right by your coffee maker, whereever you
feel like, oh God, what is on my list? I
don't want to react. I don't want anyone to have
(11:05):
power over my emotions. I've got power it Cad again
the run, working on a project, calling a friend and
asking for support. One of my clients had a goal
of losing weight and she, let's just be honest, she
wanted her ass to look better in a pair genes. Okay,
so what she decided to do. I was like, well,
what if our transferring reaction is every time she's triggered
(11:27):
because her ex shows up with the new girlfriend and
it makes her feel bad about herself, and then she
would want to cry and go home, and then we
wouldn't work on our goals for a week. So instead,
I'm like, well, what if you just like did twenty squats,
like instead of he calls, or he calls or they
show up somewhere and you just like go somewhere. You're
like in your office. You're like, I'm just gonna it's
(11:49):
going to do some squats real quick. And then it's
almost funny. And she said, you know what, I would
get these mean texts from him, and instead of crying
and getting upset, I started to because every time he
tried to reach out and affect my emotions, he made
my butt look better. It's like exactly. And then all
of a sudden you're like, hey, oh, thanks for the effort, dude,
(12:10):
thanks for trying to derail me. I am going to
do some squats here. It makes it kind of funny.
I mean that's a release specific minute example, and I
know there are more intense things, but right now, real quick,
maybe you get a piece of paper or type it
out on your phone or something nearby. What are five
transferring reactions something that matches a goal. Maybe it's applying
(12:34):
for a job to make more money. Maybe it is,
you know, wanting to grow your Instagram. Some of you are.
It's like, oh, I'm going to make a post right now,
instead of getting mad or triggered, something that matches a goal,
so instead of being derailed by a reaction, it will
propel you forward. Every time you choose to respond in
(13:00):
way that moves you closer to your goals. You're taking
control back of your life. And it feels fantastic, like
I want it to be fun almost like it's a
game now, almost like you're like, oh, really that's all
you got? Go ahead, try try to come at me.
I got something else, I got something else you want
to make me better?
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Go ahead.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
I'm not going to give into that no way. And
we also need our children to see us reacting like that,
We don't want our children to be like, oh man,
mom's sat again, Mom's upset again. We want our children
to see us, Wow, look at mom. Nothing bothers her
like she's just working hard for it. So that's tip
number two. We want to create our peaceful ritual. That's
(13:44):
number one. Come up with our list of transferring reactions.
That's number two. And number three is I want you
to decide right now to RSVP no to the fights
you're invited to. There's only one and why we can
RSVP yes to a battle with an X or anything
(14:04):
else in life. I'm going to share that with you
right now. Sometimes the hardest part of protecting our piece
is knowing when not to engage. Not every battle is
worth fighting, you know that. So I want to introduce
you to a couple of tactics that have been the
life savers for me. When someone tries to bait you
into an argument or stirs up unnecessary drama, ask yourself
(14:28):
this question, will this matter in ten years? If the
answer is no, then drop it. It's not worth engaging
in that emotional battle we or even sending back a
text to them. That's where we live in Gray Rock,
where thumbs up or k doesn't matter. I'll use myself
(14:51):
as an example. I got a text message, an auto
text message from a doctor that my daughter had an
appointment that I didn't know about and I didn't schedule,
and we're supposed to make all these medical decisions together.
But I was like, oh, look at that, he's scheduled
a doctor's appointment on his own. And then I got
to fire back an email because will that matter in
the next ten years? No, So I left it alone.
(15:13):
So there are many things that you probably can leave
alone that will bring you more peace if the answer
is yes, this is going to matter, and there are
there are many things that do I need to respond?
And to this we use dear man. It's an acronym
a communication strategy that allows you really to ground stand
(15:33):
your ground with clarity and respect without escalating the situation.
So when your ex or anyone else is trying to
get a reaction out of you that you can use
the gray rock technique, become so boring and unresponsive that
they absolutely lose interest.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
You're like, thumbs up, Okay, whatever.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
No emotion. If it needs your response, then we can
use it, and we can use it and to chat GPT.
This is the cool thing about this, And I've got
a handout for you to hand out. Listen to me.
I'm like a teacher, an old fashioned teacher. A PDF
that I can send you that breaks all of this
down with the specific prompt to put into CHATCHEPT so
(16:12):
that it can write the email for you and help
you fight that battle, so you're not even having to
type out an angry email. So, dear man, is a
communication strategy that helps you express your needs clearly without
getting sucked into emotional chaos. It stands for dear man
if you write it out, describe the situation, express your feelings,
(16:33):
assert your needs, reinforce the benefits, stay mindful of your attitude,
a pure confident even though sometimes we don't, and negotiate
if necessary. And this is something that is extremely powerful,
especially when you're dealing with co parenting issues or anything.
I've used it with teachers. This will not give into
(16:58):
the drama and it will keep the peace without you
feeling like you got to be a doormat. You stand
your ground and you communicate in a way that protects
your peace while still addressing an important issue. I find
it incredibly supportive for me and keeping my peace because
again I'm not engaging in writing out the whole email.
(17:21):
This will change your life. It will change the way
you live, the way you respond, and ultimately the way
that you thrive. I would love for you to decide,
right here, right now, that your ex or anyone else
no longer has the power to control your piece who's
with me, no more giving them the keys to your
(17:44):
emotional wellbeing. I don't want to do that anymore. You
are the one in control because here's the reality, the
chaos around us. It's not gonna stop. Even though we're like,
when's it gonna stop, It's not gonna I wish I
could be your fairy godmother and do one of those
bibity boppity boos and stop it. But remember, your power
(18:06):
lies in how you respond. You can either let it
derail you or you can use it to fuel your growth.
I want that The choice is yours, and I'm here
to help you even when you stumble. So if there's
something that you're like, I'm really struggling with this whole
(18:26):
protect your piece thing and not engaging in battles and really,
more importantly, not allowing something bad that goes on to
make me or like a broken relationship or a bad
date or a mean a comment from an ex. I
take three days out emotionally and I can't function. We
can't do that anymore. So if that's you, then you
(18:49):
can reach out to me and a message and an
email whatever way you want to, and you and I
can get on a one on one and we can
work through this together, because I am on a mission
to help you protect your piece so you can really
thrive and enjoy your life.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
You're not alone.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
I've got some goodies for you to help you implement this.
Go into the show notes and you'll find a link
to my free Dear Man template. This is how to
finally find peace with your ex in the communications Girl.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Go download that again. It's completely free.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
And if you're really struggling with it and you're like
I need some more help, like I need you to
know my situation, I'm here for you. There's another link
in the show notes where you can click on that
and you can book a free one on.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
One empowerment call. Together.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
You and I are going to talk about how you
stop the fighting with your ex, chase down a better life,
and meet a high value partner.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
So you can get the life and the love that
you've always deserved. I would love to work.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
With you again. All the links are in the show
notes and one more thing, Hey girl, send this to
a friend. This recording was done inside the Single Mom Collective.
It's a price community where women meet who are focused
on their future and having better lives, making more money,
gaining more wisdom, and finding high value partners.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
What you missed is the Q and A.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
That's what follows where I answer all of the questions
that you have as you're navigating this single mom life
and dating life. So if you want to be a
part of the next one, you can join the Single
Mom Collective for less than a trip to Target. Girl,
it's a no brainer. That link is in the show
notes too. I wouldn't send this to a friend. I
love you.
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