June 2, 2023 • 48 mins
In this remarkable episode of The Mariah Effect, we are honored to have Patti Merrill, who is, for all intents and purposes, Mariah's mother, as our esteemed guest. Mariah and Patti delve into the profound impact of their first meeting, a transformative experience that taught Mariah the importance of not judging a book by its cover and instilled in Patti a sense of self-compassion. Together, they explore the power of responding to negativity with kindness and love, emphasizing the value of understanding others rather than engaging in conflict. Jason contributes valuable insights by discussing how our behavior can reflect the hardships we've faced in life. Patti and Mariah reflect on how their lives have become richer with each other's presence. Patti also shares her perspective on the significance of "try compassion" in her own life. Join them for an episode brimming with heartfelt moments, personal growth, and the enduring power of compassion.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hi everyone, editing Mariah here before the episode starts. I wanted to
(00:04):
apologize for the audio quality to you all and our wonderful guest because I'm
fairly new to all of this. For me it's very much a trial and error process and
this was a bit of an error on my side of things. The audio is really echoey at
times and has a bit of background noise because we recorded in a different
room than we normally do. And I was just too tired in the moment to really
(00:27):
think things through properly. Regardless of all of this I hope you enjoy and
listen in because even though the audio quality was not the best and you can
hear our lovely dogs in the back room at times the content was so incredible in my
humble opinion. Our guest is so great and really knows what being
compassionate is all about.
(00:50):
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
(01:30):
Hi everybody, welcome to the Mariah Effect. I'm Mariah. I'm Jason. Yeah, I'm Patti!
Today we are so blessed to have a wonderful guest with us. Somebody who's very,
very, very close to me, very near and dear to my heart. So we're just going to be
talking about a story that happened between the two of us and talking about the kind
(01:54):
of the effects of that through, you know, my life, through Patti's life and just
kind of an overall moral of the story basically. The Mariah Effect if you will.
But first let's get to know our wonderful guest, Patti. Well thanks for this
(02:16):
opportunity to do this with you, Mariah. I'm really excited to support you in this
podcast. It's an honor to be here with you. So who am I? I'm Patti. Things that I
identify with. I'm Japanese-American. My mom is Japanese. First generation over from
(02:39):
Japan and my Dad was American. He was stationed in Japan, it's going to be Air Force.
That's how he met my mom. I grew up the daughter of an Air Force man and a Buddhist mom.
And I am Christian. And there was a lot of interesting things that went on in our home because of that
(03:00):
difference that went on. And I'm really grateful for the different experiences I have with a Christian
Dad and a Buddhist mom and the things that it taught me. Currently I'm a mom of eight children
and eight grandchildren. Love them all so very much. We have six daughters and two sons.
And the next generation we have six grand sons and two grand daughters. So the gender flipped
(03:27):
when we get to the next generation. I've been married to my husband. This year will be 35 years
and so grateful for him and his influence in my life. Great family. I'm married into. I am not
the typical person. I don't understand in-law jokes. I have the best in-laws.
I'm really lucky that way. And I don't know what else can I say.
(03:50):
That was pretty good. What a beautiful life. It really is. I'm really blessed.
I feel very, very fortunate in my life. I think that you know you are such a great wonderful person.
And I've had like such an awesome honor to be a part of your life. What is our like connection
(04:18):
between the two of us? You want to talk about that? Yeah sure. So you and my daughter Malory. So
Malory is my fourth daughter and you guys got to know each other in high school.
So I always think it's junior high and you always correct me that it was actually high school.
And you know in my memory all of a sudden you guys were just best friends and you were
(04:44):
in our home and we loved you and you started calling me mom and hearing him. You're surragate mom.
yeah I feel like me and Malory we became friends in such a like it almost feels unconventional but like
anytime I talk to anybody who is the best friends for a really long time they don't really remember
(05:09):
how they became best friends or they don't remember like where they went from being just like
acquaintances to like best friends together all the time. I spent so much of my high school years not
really wanting to be in my own home and very graciously like it's so weird to call you Patti.
(05:29):
So graciously Patty and Roland, Malory's parents both just let me you know be here every single day
after school most weekends just this constant person around to the point where you know like
a lot of the kids that were in the house when Malory was growing up like her younger siblings
(05:52):
view me as a sibling too and it just kind of came to the point where I called you mom all the time I
called dad, dad and I feel just as much a part of the family as anybody else and it's where I'm
living now with everything going on with my chemotherapy and not being able to work or be able to
(06:13):
afford to take care of myself like I get to live with them and have a whole bunch of people helping
me out and being there for me whenever I need anything even when I don't ask for something they
in some ways bully me into asking me what I need because I'm so bad at asking for things that I need
(06:34):
and mom is always the first person to check in and see how I'm doing and I really appreciate that.
What we definitely look to you is the extension of our family part of our family and we're
grateful to have you in our lives like I said in the beginning you truly have blessed my life in
multiple ways like just grateful for you and glad to have you here and I'm glad that I can bully you
(06:58):
into taking care of yourself and you too. This is kind of Jason's first like interaction with my mom
even though I've talked to each of them about each of them on multiple occasions like what is
your first impression of mom, Jason. She fits the description and much more. When you first told me about
(07:20):
Patti and this family it was like a whole new thing I didn't even know you were in Utah at first and
I just think it's incredible blessing that you have connected with people that love you and have brought you
in and support you and yeah like I said about your life Patti you feel it's something that's so
beautiful and impacts so many people and I feel like it's part of your family is an extension of Mariah.
(07:44):
So it's fun to spend time together. What's even what's funny for me though is to be on this call
and hear you to describe your relationship now knowing where the story of where the two of you
are initially connected and so Mariah it'd be fun for you to tell that story. Okay so let's get
(08:07):
into the meat of this so with me and Malory first met each other we it's kind of a similar sort of situation
where when we first met I had an entirely different first impression of Malory then what was to come
at the time we were both really close friends with another person named David and in our own ways
(08:34):
and so whenever we did things all together it was like I wasn't really friends with Malory but she
was also there and so like for a really long time I didn't know very much about Mallory except for
like that she was also David's friend for a really long time I thought she was David's girlfriend which
it's very funny to both of us now but we would hang out occasionally like on our off period or
(09:00):
whatever and there was a day when we were going home and on the bus there was a bus that went just
straight down Peoria for a really long ways and my bus stop where I would get off would be right before
Malory's bus stop and so I guess David was going over to Malory's house or something and I was on
the bus and our friend David was like hey like you should come over to Malory's house like it invited
(09:24):
me over to her house as if he had any right to do so and Malory was kind of like uh yeah you could do
that that's sure I'm sure that would be okay and I was like are you sure like I could just get off
she's like no no no come on so I stayed on the bus past my bus stop we went to her bus stop got off
(09:47):
went over to her house I don't think anybody was home yet or anything and we just kind of went up
stairs into the living room and Malory started playing video games I would just watch them and
Malory's mom came home Patti and had never met me um I I'm sure that David had been over a couple
(10:09):
times before then but um she just came upstairs and she was very very very clearly upset already
or frustrated and when she came upstairs we were playing the game where they were playing the game
and like saying stuff and I think Malory said something like oh hey mom I hope it's okay that like
I have friends over and mom was just very much not okay with the fact that they were friends over
(10:34):
she um came over and I don't I don't even remember exactly what she said but it was something to be
effect of no it is not okay that people are over right now they need to get out I have too much
going on like I can't handle it they need to go or something like that it's not as if that
echo’s in my head sometimes um but I was in such a position where like I would go to other people's
(11:01):
houses to get away from you know angry yelling and finding that I was used to at my own home and so
when she was so upset I was like I don't want to be a part of like I don't want to cause any problems
for Malory like I had only been around like angry somewhat toxic behavior so when she had that
(11:22):
outburst I just was like immediately so um like not upset but so uh skittish I guess you could say
I was like okay I'll get out I'll leave and so I got up I tried I was walking out the door I almost
forgot my shoes and just took off down the street like just out of there and um Malory I like she
(11:47):
was just very shocked I remember and I was taking off down the street and then David comes running
down the street after me and he goes no wait wait she said it's okay and I was like it is not okay
she said it's not okay I'm going home and like he came over and he basically like dragged me back
was um and had me come inside and I don't really remember if mom like came up to me personally and
(12:14):
said something to the bulk of us or if it was just Mallory who came to us I really don't remember
but it was basically like a I'm sorry like it like it's just been a hard day like it's okay that
you're here and so I remember I stayed for maybe like another hour or two or something playing
video games or talking or whatever and then I was like all right well I'm gonna go now and I did not
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go back to the house for a really long time and that was like the end of my freshman year I think
and then the beginning of sophomore year me and Malory had a health class together and we were
that we only knew each other really in that class so we ended up becoming like really close in that class
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to the point where around Halloween time she had asked me like hey like we should go and do Halloween
together you can come over to my house and I was like oooh um yeah that's fine like as long as you
clear it with your mom first and she was like yeah of course so then I wentover for Halloween and
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it was just like a completely different mom like a completely different like wonderful like
sweet kind like how was your day today like we're having chili for dinner like it was such a
different experience and I met her dad and like got to spend time with her siblings like it was a
totally different experience and it just like really changed a lot of my process like I thought
(13:48):
process of like first impressions of people but what like what do you remember mom like
mostly about that because I know when I first brought it up to you or when we first started talking
about the story me and Malory to you you were kind of like what because like you hadn't remembered
(14:09):
that what are some things that you like remember maybe yeah so it's funny because when we talked
about it I was really embarrassed that that was your first impression of me because I tried really
hard not to be that kind of person and I joke with my kids a lot that you know I matured a lot in the
last 10 years or so and I'm grateful for experiences that have helped me to mature and be better but
(14:36):
when you describe that I I can't remember it at all like I blocked it from my memory like I don't
want to remember like that ever but then we talked about it more and then you told me I think in the
background here's what was going on during that time in your life and maybe some things that were
(14:59):
causing you stress and I was like oh yeah that's right that was a really bad day and then I could
immediately feel like yeah I could see myself acting like that because of what was going on and
because of the stress you know which didn't cause me any less embarrassmn ent I still think you
(15:24):
know no matter what's going on in the background of my life I should be kind to people you know
but we should also be compassionate ourselves like I said I matured a lot
so yeah I don't necessarily remember the exact events but I can imagine that that's what I did
and I can imagine that I went like into my room or something thought about what I just did
(15:48):
came back out and said you know I'm really sorry of course your friends could be here and you
you know you said Malory was shocked of course she would be shocked because that's not how I
usually am my kids always brought friends over we always wanted to be that house in the neighborhood
where our kids would bring their friends over anytime they're welcome to bring their kids over
because we always told our kids I'd rather have you whole with all your friends knowing where you're at
(16:12):
knowing what you're doing then off somewhere else not knowing and so we always try to be that house
that the kids could bring their friends over and feel comfortable and that day I blew it
I think it just goes to show that anyone can have bad days or we behave differently under stress
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but I have a hard time believing Patti first of all I do believe you matured a lot in 10 years
but I have a hard time believing that that was actually who you were back then is probably just one
of those times so it's incredible though well and I appreciate you saying that Jason I mean I think
it's important for on both sides of the story right to give compassion and give the benefit of the
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doubt when people behave poorly towards us for whatever reason it is and if we can take a moment
to pause and think you know I don't think anybody wakes up in the morning and says who can I
offend today who can I be very to today and go out searching for that but sometimes that's how
(17:18):
they share love right they just show up that way because of their life and stress and struggles that
they're having and so can't we just be compassionate and kind and not judgmental and give them the
benefit of the doubt years ago I worked for REI one of my best jobs I did um phone sales for REI
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and people would call in days before Christmas and want their order by Christmas time
your best and then they call us after Christmas you're on Christmas you didn't get our
orders to us in time and blah blah blah I learned them like how sad it is that one little thing
could make them so upset they must really be struggling and to be able to reach back out in
(18:08):
compassion instead of disbelief that you would be so rude to a person over the phone about your
order not arriving when you ordered it the day before Christmas and if we could just do that with all
of our life and all situations that we're in you've people have benefited it out just believe
they're showing up with their best whatever their best is at that moment yeah yeah there's a meme
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going around the internet people say who hurt you and I hate this meme because it's like it's not
it's the opposite of compassion it like it touches on something that's true which is you know sometimes
we show up and and something has hurt us or something you know took place in our life in the background
that the other people don't see but it lacks compassion to sort of like put it on another person it's
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like you know that so it's it's interesting that that's circulating in our culture though right now
yeah that that's it's one of those things where it's like I think that's taking something that could be
like traumatic and turning into something that's funny in order to like make it through the pain
you know I think one huge thing with like especially my generation which I don't know exactly what
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my generation is because sometimes I think it's millennial and sometimes I feel like I'm more
prone to Gen Z but I'm kind of in that middle area but I think that like Gen Z and like younger millennials
do a lot of the time is they're not afraid of embracing like mental health issues and talking
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about trauma and things like that and so with that comes like a lot of humor to kind of mask that
and so when you're talking about that like yeah it's it's kind like it can come from a place where it
sounds and it seems like it's not compassionate but I feel like in some ways it's like the funny way
to try and and get to that like the root of the issue like I think it's like the funny way to talk to
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be able to talk about something that like is taboo because at the end of the day like a lot of the
times when people act out or are rude or unkind to other people it's because they've come across someone
who looks like that person they come they've come across someone who has some sort of characteristic
as that person and they just immediately in their body respond negatively to that sort of person
(20:34):
and that's not what happened between me and mom but like I know that there's a lot of times where
I just immediately respond to unfortunately white men because like an innegative manner just
because of my interaction with certain white men in my life and being somebody who is a mixed woman
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in this day and age like it is is difficult to not have that first initial reaction of just
trying to like kind of push them away or distance myself in some manner I'm not rude but I do have
some sort of like preconceived notion of like this is a person who is at a higher risk to hurt me
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and so like I think that first impressions are not who people are but I think that it's okay to admit
that we all have trauma we all have things that have happened to us or happened near us growing up or
as young adults and like stuff like that sticks with you and I think we have to have compassion for
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ourselves like mom said in how we react to things but Jason have you ever had like a situation like
that where somebody you came across was super rude or super unkind to you or vice versa where you
(22:00):
reacted in that manner to something in the moment yeah I was actually going to I appreciate
Patty being willing to talk about this story in the first place I actually would like to follow
with my own experience of having been someone who showed up in a way that was not what I'd like to
show up and I went through a very difficult time where I lost someone that I loved and I believe
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it is actually going to marry and Mariah who you knew and I was working and traveling and changing
time zones and under a lot of stress and had an experience where because of mental health reasons
you know grief loss trauma time zones and like disintegration of my ability to like self-regulate
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I actually had an experience with a colleague where I was very I was very rude very short and
I caused her to cry and in my experience of the moment I couldn't even I thought I was justified
in how I had showed up and everything in between but later you know became a scenario I think about
(23:08):
a lot someone I wish knew how I felt differently about that moment and also who I wish knew what I
was experiencing in my own life at the time but but yeah it's it's I'm just always struck by we know
very little about what's happening inside of the other person we're with and we're with another yeah
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and then mom you were telling me about who somebody online that you had seen a story from where they
met somebody on the subway right yeah so this is a story actually about Stephen Covey he is the
author of the book Seven Habits for Highly Effective People in lots of the books it's amazing man
(23:50):
great teacher but in his book Seven Habits for Highly Effective People he talks about how we need
to have paradigm shifts in our life and one of the first habits he talks about is that we should seek
first to understand rather than to be understood and so he shares this experience where he was on a
(24:12):
New York subway and a dad with several kids got on the subway and he sat down the dad sat down and
the kids were just going crazy you were jumping all over they were bugging other people kind of running
up and down the car and and Stephen Covey just kind of witnessed this whole scene and he witnessed
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like other passengers were getting kind of upset and angry and he started feeling a little bit upset
and angry and impatient and finally he went over to the dad and he's kind of like hey your kids
are kind of being crazy don't you think you could do something to control this you know and he admittedly
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that he had a little bit of irritation in his voice and he wasn't super kind about it right
and the dad it's kind of like he just came back to reality for a minute and he's like oh I'm so sorry
we just came from the hospital where their mom just died and I guess they don't really know
(25:15):
what to do about it and I don't either and Stephen Covey talks a little about like how you
immediately have this paradigm shift now you understand what's going on and immediately you want
to offer help what can I do to help your kids can I help the other passengers understand I'm so sorry
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is there anything I can do for you and the behavior didn't like Stephen Covey's behavior was
influenced by the paradigm shift the paradigm shift was not influenced by Stephen Covey's behavior
and so he talks about how it's important to seek first to understand what's going on in other people's
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lives so that we can be compassionate so we can understand why they're acting the way they are
without judging we don't get irritated when we understand that this man just lost his wife right
yeah powerful story yeah it like it hit me pretty deep because you know I like I've personally had
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that happen too where you know as an adult like since having this experience with mom and
having a couple of people in my life kind of explained the reasons why they acted in a certain way
towards me or even friends from high school that I talked to later about like our friendship or why
they treated me a certain way during high school just kind of like kind of shifts the perspective of like
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oh like yeah they did they did hurt me or they did act in a certain way against me but they were
going through some crazy stuff in their own life and it just it makes it so much easier to forgive
those actions knowing the cause of the actions there was one time when I was walking down the street
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I don't even know where I was going because this whole interaction just like totally changed my
entire day but I remember I was walking in this woman just like like walked right into me and I was like
oh like are you okay and she just looked at me and she went watch where you're going like what were
you thinking like are you paying attention to what you're doing like like stop being so like self
(27:36):
involved or something like that and I just immediately like I was looking at her face and I was like
at first the very first reaction was like I didn't bump into you like but when I was looking at her
face I could tell that her eyes were kind of misty eye like it seemed like she had been crying like
something was going on and I just like looked up at her and I said you know what I'm really sorry for
(28:00):
bumping into you but are you okay like is everything all right and she just like looked at me like
I still had anger in her face and it just suddenly like melted away and she just started crying
and started talking about how she had just been at the hospital and her husband had passed away
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and that she was dealing with so much and didn't have any way to like process it or how she was
going to talk to her kids about it and she had gone for a walk and felt like I bumped into her
and just was immediately angry because she didn't have any other emotion she couldn't be sad anymore
and so we sat down like right there on the sidewalk and started talking back and forth and I
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was comforting her and it was just an entirely different experience than if I had been
I didn't bump into you you bumped into me what's the matter with you like instead coming from a
place of like are you okay and it turned out it was that way like sometimes people are just you know
(29:07):
not caring about the other people that are around them but I think most of the time it is that
there's something else that's going on in their lives that is troubling and it making them not be
able to think about other people at that time and I that kind of cemented in that lesson to me after
having that happen and that was like I don't know like five or six years after the whole thing
(29:30):
interaction between me and mom whereas a full grown adult in California where people are really
mean in California like a lot of the time but it just like sometimes people just need somebody to talk to
people are in a lot of pain in California too yeah so love my California it's just same so hey Mariah
(29:54):
are there other parts of this conversation you want to explore because I'm also curious like
if you want to give everybody an update on my Cal things events until I last show
yes so um this week has been really difficult I've um you know been doing chemo every day I
was really really tired on Tuesday and then even worse on Thursday and on Saturday I actually had
(30:19):
a seizure and chemotherapy and so I've been put on bed rest um it's probably related to my
lupus but I don't really have like concrete answers just yet about everything that's going on
it's been a really difficult week like this is the first day that I've like really spent
(30:41):
major time outside of my room um to do anything but um it's just it's been difficult I did a lot of
things last week and this week I feel like I'm I need to kind of like find the balance of doing
a lot of things with people and doing absolutely nothing like find some sort of balance between those
(31:02):
two because um it is wrecking my mental health and um I just need to find some sort of consistency
with all of it but it's it's it's difficult how does how does the relationship between the two of you
work around around when you're showing up and you need to find balance or consistency like how do
the two of you relate to each other like you know patty do you coach mariah or do you take a hands-off
(31:26):
approach or what do you do so this is a really interesting situation for us um I love having
mariah here and I'm glad that we can be a family for her and help take care of her and I think we
tag team you know with we have a lot of family living here right now not only
now already but I have another daughter Naomi that's living at home these are all adult children
(31:48):
and I have my two sons that live at home and one of my sons is married so his wife lives here with
us as well and one of the reasons why we have so many people living here right now is because my
husband is also going through chemotherapy um back in September we found out that he had
gallbladder cancer so he had his gallbladder removed he's had several other surgeries related to that
(32:11):
and he's going through chemo so we kind of tag team um but it becomes easier for me if I'm going in
and talking to my husband saying hey what do you need mariah is better inside next to ours I can come
out of my room and go right into mariah's room and say what do you need and if I'm getting something for
my husband I can get something from mariah and if I think my husband needs to be jerky and
(32:35):
a protein drink I'll bet Mariah needs to drink a protein drink too and so it just helps keep my mind
taking care of both of them I've had some friends say you know why are you doing so much like
why do you take on more to me it doesn't feel like more I do it for one I might as well do it for both
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and it's kind of like saying with my daughter had leukemia and my husband had cancer almost
supposed to take one of one of the other it's it's the same thing for mariah she's my daughter in my
heart and of course I would take care of her do everything I can but I work full time too so I'm
(33:19):
grateful for my kids that step up and they also help out and sometimes they're like come out of your
room come play games with us come sit at the dinner table with us one of the things we try to do is a
family is have dinner at the dinner table every night that's a really good thing to keep us connected
yeah I um like tear up sometimes because just like it is so incredible to me you know like
(33:47):
me and Mallory have such a beautiful friendship and it's like we joke all the time I don't know
anybody has seen Grayson out of me um they're like the two uh main characters in the first like
I don't know like seven or eight seasons no ten seasons is Meredith and Christina and they say oh
(34:11):
I'm your person and when they first talk about it they're talking about like oh I'm the person
that's on your um medical stuff like if you go to the hospital like they're you're the person that
they're gonna call because you're my person and that turns into this phrase for them of like
you're the person that I go to you're the person that um like I need in my special moments you're
(34:35):
the person who understands me better than anyone and that's you know how me and Mallory feel very
strongly that we're in some ways like platonic soulmates and um when I became her friend it was it was
you know just between me and her like of course I would come work for her house and spend time with
our family but it was like that was just like a small bonus now because we've been together and
(35:01):
we've been friends for ten years at this point it's become like that and oh like I'm a part of the
family that this is my family that you know like the youngest of all the kids look as he
told me one time he was saying that like he used me as his sister it tells people he introduces me to
(35:24):
people as his sister and um I just think that there's something so beautiful about that because in a
lot of ways blood is not what makes a family it's it's very much about like you know a feeling of
togetherness of being there for each other when you need each other and I'm so so super grateful
that mom and dad and everybody here has been able to be there for me because um when I first moved to
(35:52):
Utah I had no idea what I was gonna do I didn't know like like where I was gonna work and Mallory
brought me here and um it was almost like assumed like from the beginning that I was at some point
gonna live in this house so that I could get back on my feet and then when everything happened and I
got diagnosed with leukemia it was like yep that's you're gonna come and live here and you're gonna
(36:16):
and we're gonna take therapy and we're gonna be there for you and we're gonna get through this
together and um dad has been such a great person to be able to talk to about everything because he
understands like where I'm coming from and what I'm feeling about everything and how sometimes it
can just feel so hopeless and how other times you just like all you have is your hope you know
(36:38):
and so like being able to be here and have dad and having mom be there for me too like we have such great
conversations I feel like especially when we're like getting down into our feelings you know and
just like really like saying what we want to say we've had so many conversations about you know about
you know racial situations and talking about um just in general things that are happening in the news
(37:05):
and compassion like I feel like me and mom are so similar and how we feel about what it needs to be
compassionate and I think that's one of the things that makes me super special and so it's really
nice to have somebody in my life that shares that special quality. That's amazing. I love the fact that
family and love and community can look like different things and uh one of the things I love that
(37:33):
you talk about Mariah with doing this show is your hope and heart that people build a community and
they share their stories and they find community with each other and uh you've done such a great
job of creating a website and and patreon and social pages do you want to kind of let people know how
(37:54):
they can become part of an extended family? Yeah so we have up right now we have a patreon that you
can join in I kind of call it the Mariah Effect Family um where you can um for like all of the tears
that we have available are all under $10 a month so it's like for a lot of people like especially
(38:17):
like somebody like me like I pay like 10 bucks a month for Spotify just to have music for myself
this comes with so much more like even at the smallest tier um it's at uh $3.99 per month and you can
get access to the episodes bonus content add free episodes and then the next year you're able to get
(38:39):
some extra bonus content like a preview of the next episode um the episode a day early and then
above that you get to have uh we're gonna do some like live Q&A's so you can come and join and ask
us questions that we don't really answer in the podcast for you or whatnot um and then also a
(39:02):
handwritten letter from me um right now we have our very first patreon member who I'm gonna mention
because that's part of the package um is Dersana aka my my my birth mom the woman who you've
written me um and my cousin and Jason's actual cousin because on his second cousin what's
(39:23):
or one uh whatever it is first cousin like that first cousin once removed it's funny because mom
is the one who told me who explained it to me um and I just always permit immediately after the conversation
but uh yeah so there's different levels to the tiers it's all on patreon.com/themoriieffect
(39:44):
and we also have the links to that on the website which is the dash moriah-ethet.com and that has
access to the show notes for all of these episodes so if there's ever anything that we're talking
about in the episode like for this episode i'll put a link to a video where the guy who what was his name
again? Steven Cuffee. Steven Cuffee um was talking about that on youtube i'll put a link to that
(40:09):
any other information or materials that we'll talk about in the show put on there or books from the show
it'll have an outline of like what we're talking about in the show there's also the blog that's on
there where I talk about I sit in chemotherapy on the Saturday and you know just write about my
week so far and things that are coming to me in the moment um and it usually has like the update about
(40:32):
what's going on with me medically um and then you know it has all the links on our social content
and everything and links to where you can listen to the podcast if you're listening on Spotify and
you want to find out how to listen on good pods which is something I didn't know existed until now um
then the link will be on there too. Amazing amazing uh well anything else on your mind before
(40:57):
before here I have one request actually I'd love to have patty back this I feel like
patty's got so much to share with us how do you feel about that wrap? I feel like that's a good idea
I mean 35 years of marriage did you care that like that's older than I am. There's a lot of stories to
I hope so because my oldest daughter is older than you so I hope that it's older than you four years
(41:22):
than you are old. No the married the the sort of like marital lessons would be interesting but I'm
more interested in how you stay looking so young because I did not see you telling us your grandma too
so I'm kind of like head explode here. Oh I owe all of that to my mom it's the Japanese Jesus. Oh okay
(41:43):
I'm very vantage got it. Yeah you're the widest out of all of us Jason unfortunately.
I just said to my wife I have something more I want to say. So and I should have told you this before
we actually started recording but I had this idea when I was thinking about this earlier that
at the end of your podcast when you should always ask your guest what does it mean to you
(42:06):
to try compassion because that's your tagline right try compassion I love that I love that we're just
trying to help encourage people to be more compassionate and I would love to hear from all your guests
what does that mean to try compassion so I want to be the first one to answer that question for you
yeah I got that for you. So I mentioned at the very beginning that I'm the daughter of a Christian
(42:33):
dad and a Buddhist mom and when I was a little girl we're not really little like in high school
I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with religion in my life and I go to a lot of
different churches trying to figure out is this church though I want to go to is this church
where I want to go to and my mom invited me to go to temple with her and at that time I said you
(42:59):
know what mom I I need to stay Christian but thank you and the reality was that exploring
Eastern religions scared me because I worried that it would pull me away from my Christian
beliefs and I didn't want that you know fast forward now to where I am and studying Eastern
(43:24):
philosophies his part of the pun but very enlightening to me and I have found that it doesn't contradict
with my Christian beliefs but that it gives more clarity and understanding so what I want to
say about try compassion I think in Western religions and Western society we are focused on
(43:53):
being perfect overcoming sin overcoming our weaknesses you know in the Bible Jesus said be
therefore perfect and we just take that literally we gotta be perfect in everything we have to
have the perfect life perfect home perfect kids perfect marriage perfect job perfect dogs
but life isn't perfect and what I've learned about an Eastern philosophies is that they focus on
(44:22):
compassion and yes we want to be better in our lives we want to improve we want to be good
but as we take this journey to be becoming that person we are compassionate with ourselves
with our fellow travelers with everything that we come across my favorite analogy is to look at
(44:44):
nature you go up to the mountains I love where I live we can be like in solitude in the mountains in
like 15 minutes it's amazing when you look at nature it is not perfect and it's always changing
though we say that it's beautiful and isn't life that way life is not perfect it's always changing
(45:12):
but it's beautiful me as a person you as a person humanity we are not perfect
but we can change we're always working on changing hopefully for the better and not as beautiful
so for me when you say try compassion like yeah let's just be compassionate with ourselves with others
(45:35):
allow for imperfections allow for change and see the beauty
gosh that like and it's so funny because we we have that conversation before and even just
hearing you talk about it again it still gives me that that feeling of like this is the right thing
(45:59):
like I you know I have been doing this podcast mostly as a way to be able to keep my mind going well
I can't do so many things right now but like at the end of the day like the whole point of this is
to be able to reach other people and to be able to help other people with whatever they're going through
(46:20):
and so when you say something like that I'm like okay like I know that this is the right thing to do
I know that this is like a good thing that I'm doing it's an amazing thing that you're doing Mariah
and it has a potential to reach so many people and if those of us who listen and support you
if we can take these moments to just internalize what you're doing what your goal is
(46:46):
you are going to make the world a better place you already have but you'll continue to do that
and I'm honored to be a small part of that oh dang where's the tissue
I believe patty just said what the Mariah effect is on that yeah I um I was thinking of like how to do
(47:15):
like a sign off for this episode today um and I don't want to say because mom said it so beautifully
but do you have any other thoughts Jason? No it's yours to take us home that was beautiful
yeah um but I just want to like remind everybody that like instead of only being kind to people who
(47:43):
are being kind first you know just be kinder the even more kind to the people that are
you know clearly having a hard time clearly going through something being rude to other people
because they need that compassion they need that um kindness to come from someone and most people
(48:06):
aren't going to do that and so if you're the person that's doing that then you are changing
they're hurt on you're changing the way that they're seeing the world right now and that could be
life changing remember that you don't know what anybody is doing what they're going through um to try to
accomplish I will see you everybody nice week for next episode bye bye
(48:33):
I love you I love you too
bye talk to you later bye yeah bye
Hi everyone, editing Mariah here before the episode starts. I wanted to
(00:04):
apologize for the audio quality to you all and our wonderful guest because I'm
fairly new to all of this. For me it's very much a trial and error process and
this was a bit of an error on my side of things. The audio is really echoey at
times and has a bit of background noise because we recorded in a different
room than we normally do. And I was just too tired in the moment to really
(00:27):
think things through properly. Regardless of all of this I hope you enjoy and
listen in because even though the audio quality was not the best and you can
hear our lovely dogs in the back room at times the content was so incredible in my
humble opinion. Our guest is so great and really knows what being
compassionate is all about.
(00:50):
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
(01:30):
Hi everybody, welcome to the Mariah Effect. I'm Mariah. I'm Jason. Yeah, I'm Patti!
Today we are so blessed to have a wonderful guest with us. Somebody who's very,
very, very close to me, very near and dear to my heart. So we're just going to be
talking about a story that happened between the two of us and talking about the kind
(01:54):
of the effects of that through, you know, my life, through Patti's life and just
kind of an overall moral of the story basically. The Mariah Effect if you will.
But first let's get to know our wonderful guest, Patti. Well thanks for this
(02:16):
opportunity to do this with you, Mariah. I'm really excited to support you in this
podcast. It's an honor to be here with you. So who am I? I'm Patti. Things that I
identify with. I'm Japanese-American. My mom is Japanese. First generation over from
(02:39):
Japan and my Dad was American. He was stationed in Japan, it's going to be Air Force.
That's how he met my mom. I grew up the daughter of an Air Force man and a Buddhist mom.
And I am Christian. And there was a lot of interesting things that went on in our home because of that
(03:00):
difference that went on. And I'm really grateful for the different experiences I have with a Christian
Dad and a Buddhist mom and the things that it taught me. Currently I'm a mom of eight children
and eight grandchildren. Love them all so very much. We have six daughters and two sons.
And the next generation we have six grand sons and two grand daughters. So the gender flipped
(03:27):
when we get to the next generation. I've been married to my husband. This year will be 35 years
and so grateful for him and his influence in my life. Great family. I'm married into. I am not
the typical person. I don't understand in-law jokes. I have the best in-laws.
I'm really lucky that way. And I don't know what else can I say.
(03:50):
That was pretty good. What a beautiful life. It really is. I'm really blessed.
I feel very, very fortunate in my life. I think that you know you are such a great wonderful person.
And I've had like such an awesome honor to be a part of your life. What is our like connection
(04:18):
between the two of us? You want to talk about that? Yeah sure. So you and my daughter Malory. So
Malory is my fourth daughter and you guys got to know each other in high school.
So I always think it's junior high and you always correct me that it was actually high school.
And you know in my memory all of a sudden you guys were just best friends and you were
(04:44):
in our home and we loved you and you started calling me mom and hearing him. You're surragate mom.
yeah I feel like me and Malory we became friends in such a like it almost feels unconventional but like
anytime I talk to anybody who is the best friends for a really long time they don't really remember
(05:09):
how they became best friends or they don't remember like where they went from being just like
acquaintances to like best friends together all the time. I spent so much of my high school years not
really wanting to be in my own home and very graciously like it's so weird to call you Patti.
(05:29):
So graciously Patty and Roland, Malory's parents both just let me you know be here every single day
after school most weekends just this constant person around to the point where you know like
a lot of the kids that were in the house when Malory was growing up like her younger siblings
(05:52):
view me as a sibling too and it just kind of came to the point where I called you mom all the time I
called dad, dad and I feel just as much a part of the family as anybody else and it's where I'm
living now with everything going on with my chemotherapy and not being able to work or be able to
(06:13):
afford to take care of myself like I get to live with them and have a whole bunch of people helping
me out and being there for me whenever I need anything even when I don't ask for something they
in some ways bully me into asking me what I need because I'm so bad at asking for things that I need
(06:34):
and mom is always the first person to check in and see how I'm doing and I really appreciate that.
What we definitely look to you is the extension of our family part of our family and we're
grateful to have you in our lives like I said in the beginning you truly have blessed my life in
multiple ways like just grateful for you and glad to have you here and I'm glad that I can bully you
(06:58):
into taking care of yourself and you too. This is kind of Jason's first like interaction with my mom
even though I've talked to each of them about each of them on multiple occasions like what is
your first impression of mom, Jason. She fits the description and much more. When you first told me about
(07:20):
Patti and this family it was like a whole new thing I didn't even know you were in Utah at first and
I just think it's incredible blessing that you have connected with people that love you and have brought you
in and support you and yeah like I said about your life Patti you feel it's something that's so
beautiful and impacts so many people and I feel like it's part of your family is an extension of Mariah.
(07:44):
So it's fun to spend time together. What's even what's funny for me though is to be on this call
and hear you to describe your relationship now knowing where the story of where the two of you
are initially connected and so Mariah it'd be fun for you to tell that story. Okay so let's get
(08:07):
into the meat of this so with me and Malory first met each other we it's kind of a similar sort of situation
where when we first met I had an entirely different first impression of Malory then what was to come
at the time we were both really close friends with another person named David and in our own ways
(08:34):
and so whenever we did things all together it was like I wasn't really friends with Malory but she
was also there and so like for a really long time I didn't know very much about Mallory except for
like that she was also David's friend for a really long time I thought she was David's girlfriend which
it's very funny to both of us now but we would hang out occasionally like on our off period or
(09:00):
whatever and there was a day when we were going home and on the bus there was a bus that went just
straight down Peoria for a really long ways and my bus stop where I would get off would be right before
Malory's bus stop and so I guess David was going over to Malory's house or something and I was on
the bus and our friend David was like hey like you should come over to Malory's house like it invited
(09:24):
me over to her house as if he had any right to do so and Malory was kind of like uh yeah you could do
that that's sure I'm sure that would be okay and I was like are you sure like I could just get off
she's like no no no come on so I stayed on the bus past my bus stop we went to her bus stop got off
(09:47):
went over to her house I don't think anybody was home yet or anything and we just kind of went up
stairs into the living room and Malory started playing video games I would just watch them and
Malory's mom came home Patti and had never met me um I I'm sure that David had been over a couple
(10:09):
times before then but um she just came upstairs and she was very very very clearly upset already
or frustrated and when she came upstairs we were playing the game where they were playing the game
and like saying stuff and I think Malory said something like oh hey mom I hope it's okay that like
I have friends over and mom was just very much not okay with the fact that they were friends over
(10:34):
she um came over and I don't I don't even remember exactly what she said but it was something to be
effect of no it is not okay that people are over right now they need to get out I have too much
going on like I can't handle it they need to go or something like that it's not as if that
echo’s in my head sometimes um but I was in such a position where like I would go to other people's
(11:01):
houses to get away from you know angry yelling and finding that I was used to at my own home and so
when she was so upset I was like I don't want to be a part of like I don't want to cause any problems
for Malory like I had only been around like angry somewhat toxic behavior so when she had that
(11:22):
outburst I just was like immediately so um like not upset but so uh skittish I guess you could say
I was like okay I'll get out I'll leave and so I got up I tried I was walking out the door I almost
forgot my shoes and just took off down the street like just out of there and um Malory I like she
(11:47):
was just very shocked I remember and I was taking off down the street and then David comes running
down the street after me and he goes no wait wait she said it's okay and I was like it is not okay
she said it's not okay I'm going home and like he came over and he basically like dragged me back
was um and had me come inside and I don't really remember if mom like came up to me personally and
(12:14):
said something to the bulk of us or if it was just Mallory who came to us I really don't remember
but it was basically like a I'm sorry like it like it's just been a hard day like it's okay that
you're here and so I remember I stayed for maybe like another hour or two or something playing
video games or talking or whatever and then I was like all right well I'm gonna go now and I did not
(12:38):
go back to the house for a really long time and that was like the end of my freshman year I think
and then the beginning of sophomore year me and Malory had a health class together and we were
that we only knew each other really in that class so we ended up becoming like really close in that class
(12:59):
to the point where around Halloween time she had asked me like hey like we should go and do Halloween
together you can come over to my house and I was like oooh um yeah that's fine like as long as you
clear it with your mom first and she was like yeah of course so then I wentover for Halloween and
(13:21):
it was just like a completely different mom like a completely different like wonderful like
sweet kind like how was your day today like we're having chili for dinner like it was such a
different experience and I met her dad and like got to spend time with her siblings like it was a
totally different experience and it just like really changed a lot of my process like I thought
(13:48):
process of like first impressions of people but what like what do you remember mom like
mostly about that because I know when I first brought it up to you or when we first started talking
about the story me and Malory to you you were kind of like what because like you hadn't remembered
(14:09):
that what are some things that you like remember maybe yeah so it's funny because when we talked
about it I was really embarrassed that that was your first impression of me because I tried really
hard not to be that kind of person and I joke with my kids a lot that you know I matured a lot in the
last 10 years or so and I'm grateful for experiences that have helped me to mature and be better but
(14:36):
when you describe that I I can't remember it at all like I blocked it from my memory like I don't
want to remember like that ever but then we talked about it more and then you told me I think in the
background here's what was going on during that time in your life and maybe some things that were
(14:59):
causing you stress and I was like oh yeah that's right that was a really bad day and then I could
immediately feel like yeah I could see myself acting like that because of what was going on and
because of the stress you know which didn't cause me any less embarrassmn ent I still think you
(15:24):
know no matter what's going on in the background of my life I should be kind to people you know
but we should also be compassionate ourselves like I said I matured a lot
so yeah I don't necessarily remember the exact events but I can imagine that that's what I did
and I can imagine that I went like into my room or something thought about what I just did
(15:48):
came back out and said you know I'm really sorry of course your friends could be here and you
you know you said Malory was shocked of course she would be shocked because that's not how I
usually am my kids always brought friends over we always wanted to be that house in the neighborhood
where our kids would bring their friends over anytime they're welcome to bring their kids over
because we always told our kids I'd rather have you whole with all your friends knowing where you're at
(16:12):
knowing what you're doing then off somewhere else not knowing and so we always try to be that house
that the kids could bring their friends over and feel comfortable and that day I blew it
I think it just goes to show that anyone can have bad days or we behave differently under stress
(16:34):
but I have a hard time believing Patti first of all I do believe you matured a lot in 10 years
but I have a hard time believing that that was actually who you were back then is probably just one
of those times so it's incredible though well and I appreciate you saying that Jason I mean I think
it's important for on both sides of the story right to give compassion and give the benefit of the
(16:57):
doubt when people behave poorly towards us for whatever reason it is and if we can take a moment
to pause and think you know I don't think anybody wakes up in the morning and says who can I
offend today who can I be very to today and go out searching for that but sometimes that's how
(17:18):
they share love right they just show up that way because of their life and stress and struggles that
they're having and so can't we just be compassionate and kind and not judgmental and give them the
benefit of the doubt years ago I worked for REI one of my best jobs I did um phone sales for REI
(17:41):
and people would call in days before Christmas and want their order by Christmas time
your best and then they call us after Christmas you're on Christmas you didn't get our
orders to us in time and blah blah blah I learned them like how sad it is that one little thing
could make them so upset they must really be struggling and to be able to reach back out in
(18:08):
compassion instead of disbelief that you would be so rude to a person over the phone about your
order not arriving when you ordered it the day before Christmas and if we could just do that with all
of our life and all situations that we're in you've people have benefited it out just believe
they're showing up with their best whatever their best is at that moment yeah yeah there's a meme
(18:31):
going around the internet people say who hurt you and I hate this meme because it's like it's not
it's the opposite of compassion it like it touches on something that's true which is you know sometimes
we show up and and something has hurt us or something you know took place in our life in the background
that the other people don't see but it lacks compassion to sort of like put it on another person it's
(18:55):
like you know that so it's it's interesting that that's circulating in our culture though right now
yeah that that's it's one of those things where it's like I think that's taking something that could be
like traumatic and turning into something that's funny in order to like make it through the pain
you know I think one huge thing with like especially my generation which I don't know exactly what
(19:22):
my generation is because sometimes I think it's millennial and sometimes I feel like I'm more
prone to Gen Z but I'm kind of in that middle area but I think that like Gen Z and like younger millennials
do a lot of the time is they're not afraid of embracing like mental health issues and talking
(19:42):
about trauma and things like that and so with that comes like a lot of humor to kind of mask that
and so when you're talking about that like yeah it's it's kind like it can come from a place where it
sounds and it seems like it's not compassionate but I feel like in some ways it's like the funny way
to try and and get to that like the root of the issue like I think it's like the funny way to talk to
(20:10):
be able to talk about something that like is taboo because at the end of the day like a lot of the
times when people act out or are rude or unkind to other people it's because they've come across someone
who looks like that person they come they've come across someone who has some sort of characteristic
as that person and they just immediately in their body respond negatively to that sort of person
(20:34):
and that's not what happened between me and mom but like I know that there's a lot of times where
I just immediately respond to unfortunately white men because like an innegative manner just
because of my interaction with certain white men in my life and being somebody who is a mixed woman
(20:56):
in this day and age like it is is difficult to not have that first initial reaction of just
trying to like kind of push them away or distance myself in some manner I'm not rude but I do have
some sort of like preconceived notion of like this is a person who is at a higher risk to hurt me
(21:18):
and so like I think that first impressions are not who people are but I think that it's okay to admit
that we all have trauma we all have things that have happened to us or happened near us growing up or
as young adults and like stuff like that sticks with you and I think we have to have compassion for
(21:39):
ourselves like mom said in how we react to things but Jason have you ever had like a situation like
that where somebody you came across was super rude or super unkind to you or vice versa where you
(22:00):
reacted in that manner to something in the moment yeah I was actually going to I appreciate
Patty being willing to talk about this story in the first place I actually would like to follow
with my own experience of having been someone who showed up in a way that was not what I'd like to
show up and I went through a very difficult time where I lost someone that I loved and I believe
(22:23):
it is actually going to marry and Mariah who you knew and I was working and traveling and changing
time zones and under a lot of stress and had an experience where because of mental health reasons
you know grief loss trauma time zones and like disintegration of my ability to like self-regulate
(22:46):
I actually had an experience with a colleague where I was very I was very rude very short and
I caused her to cry and in my experience of the moment I couldn't even I thought I was justified
in how I had showed up and everything in between but later you know became a scenario I think about
(23:08):
a lot someone I wish knew how I felt differently about that moment and also who I wish knew what I
was experiencing in my own life at the time but but yeah it's it's I'm just always struck by we know
very little about what's happening inside of the other person we're with and we're with another yeah
(23:29):
and then mom you were telling me about who somebody online that you had seen a story from where they
met somebody on the subway right yeah so this is a story actually about Stephen Covey he is the
author of the book Seven Habits for Highly Effective People in lots of the books it's amazing man
(23:50):
great teacher but in his book Seven Habits for Highly Effective People he talks about how we need
to have paradigm shifts in our life and one of the first habits he talks about is that we should seek
first to understand rather than to be understood and so he shares this experience where he was on a
(24:12):
New York subway and a dad with several kids got on the subway and he sat down the dad sat down and
the kids were just going crazy you were jumping all over they were bugging other people kind of running
up and down the car and and Stephen Covey just kind of witnessed this whole scene and he witnessed
(24:34):
like other passengers were getting kind of upset and angry and he started feeling a little bit upset
and angry and impatient and finally he went over to the dad and he's kind of like hey your kids
are kind of being crazy don't you think you could do something to control this you know and he admittedly
(24:54):
that he had a little bit of irritation in his voice and he wasn't super kind about it right
and the dad it's kind of like he just came back to reality for a minute and he's like oh I'm so sorry
we just came from the hospital where their mom just died and I guess they don't really know
(25:15):
what to do about it and I don't either and Stephen Covey talks a little about like how you
immediately have this paradigm shift now you understand what's going on and immediately you want
to offer help what can I do to help your kids can I help the other passengers understand I'm so sorry
(25:38):
is there anything I can do for you and the behavior didn't like Stephen Covey's behavior was
influenced by the paradigm shift the paradigm shift was not influenced by Stephen Covey's behavior
and so he talks about how it's important to seek first to understand what's going on in other people's
(26:00):
lives so that we can be compassionate so we can understand why they're acting the way they are
without judging we don't get irritated when we understand that this man just lost his wife right
yeah powerful story yeah it like it hit me pretty deep because you know I like I've personally had
(26:26):
that happen too where you know as an adult like since having this experience with mom and
having a couple of people in my life kind of explained the reasons why they acted in a certain way
towards me or even friends from high school that I talked to later about like our friendship or why
they treated me a certain way during high school just kind of like kind of shifts the perspective of like
(26:51):
oh like yeah they did they did hurt me or they did act in a certain way against me but they were
going through some crazy stuff in their own life and it just it makes it so much easier to forgive
those actions knowing the cause of the actions there was one time when I was walking down the street
(27:12):
I don't even know where I was going because this whole interaction just like totally changed my
entire day but I remember I was walking in this woman just like like walked right into me and I was like
oh like are you okay and she just looked at me and she went watch where you're going like what were
you thinking like are you paying attention to what you're doing like like stop being so like self
(27:36):
involved or something like that and I just immediately like I was looking at her face and I was like
at first the very first reaction was like I didn't bump into you like but when I was looking at her
face I could tell that her eyes were kind of misty eye like it seemed like she had been crying like
something was going on and I just like looked up at her and I said you know what I'm really sorry for
(28:00):
bumping into you but are you okay like is everything all right and she just like looked at me like
I still had anger in her face and it just suddenly like melted away and she just started crying
and started talking about how she had just been at the hospital and her husband had passed away
(28:20):
and that she was dealing with so much and didn't have any way to like process it or how she was
going to talk to her kids about it and she had gone for a walk and felt like I bumped into her
and just was immediately angry because she didn't have any other emotion she couldn't be sad anymore
and so we sat down like right there on the sidewalk and started talking back and forth and I
(28:46):
was comforting her and it was just an entirely different experience than if I had been
I didn't bump into you you bumped into me what's the matter with you like instead coming from a
place of like are you okay and it turned out it was that way like sometimes people are just you know
(29:07):
not caring about the other people that are around them but I think most of the time it is that
there's something else that's going on in their lives that is troubling and it making them not be
able to think about other people at that time and I that kind of cemented in that lesson to me after
having that happen and that was like I don't know like five or six years after the whole thing
(29:30):
interaction between me and mom whereas a full grown adult in California where people are really
mean in California like a lot of the time but it just like sometimes people just need somebody to talk to
people are in a lot of pain in California too yeah so love my California it's just same so hey Mariah
(29:54):
are there other parts of this conversation you want to explore because I'm also curious like
if you want to give everybody an update on my Cal things events until I last show
yes so um this week has been really difficult I've um you know been doing chemo every day I
was really really tired on Tuesday and then even worse on Thursday and on Saturday I actually had
(30:19):
a seizure and chemotherapy and so I've been put on bed rest um it's probably related to my
lupus but I don't really have like concrete answers just yet about everything that's going on
it's been a really difficult week like this is the first day that I've like really spent
(30:41):
major time outside of my room um to do anything but um it's just it's been difficult I did a lot of
things last week and this week I feel like I'm I need to kind of like find the balance of doing
a lot of things with people and doing absolutely nothing like find some sort of balance between those
(31:02):
two because um it is wrecking my mental health and um I just need to find some sort of consistency
with all of it but it's it's it's difficult how does how does the relationship between the two of you
work around around when you're showing up and you need to find balance or consistency like how do
the two of you relate to each other like you know patty do you coach mariah or do you take a hands-off
(31:26):
approach or what do you do so this is a really interesting situation for us um I love having
mariah here and I'm glad that we can be a family for her and help take care of her and I think we
tag team you know with we have a lot of family living here right now not only
now already but I have another daughter Naomi that's living at home these are all adult children
(31:48):
and I have my two sons that live at home and one of my sons is married so his wife lives here with
us as well and one of the reasons why we have so many people living here right now is because my
husband is also going through chemotherapy um back in September we found out that he had
gallbladder cancer so he had his gallbladder removed he's had several other surgeries related to that
(32:11):
and he's going through chemo so we kind of tag team um but it becomes easier for me if I'm going in
and talking to my husband saying hey what do you need mariah is better inside next to ours I can come
out of my room and go right into mariah's room and say what do you need and if I'm getting something for
my husband I can get something from mariah and if I think my husband needs to be jerky and
(32:35):
a protein drink I'll bet Mariah needs to drink a protein drink too and so it just helps keep my mind
taking care of both of them I've had some friends say you know why are you doing so much like
why do you take on more to me it doesn't feel like more I do it for one I might as well do it for both
(32:57):
and it's kind of like saying with my daughter had leukemia and my husband had cancer almost
supposed to take one of one of the other it's it's the same thing for mariah she's my daughter in my
heart and of course I would take care of her do everything I can but I work full time too so I'm
(33:19):
grateful for my kids that step up and they also help out and sometimes they're like come out of your
room come play games with us come sit at the dinner table with us one of the things we try to do is a
family is have dinner at the dinner table every night that's a really good thing to keep us connected
yeah I um like tear up sometimes because just like it is so incredible to me you know like
(33:47):
me and Mallory have such a beautiful friendship and it's like we joke all the time I don't know
anybody has seen Grayson out of me um they're like the two uh main characters in the first like
I don't know like seven or eight seasons no ten seasons is Meredith and Christina and they say oh
(34:11):
I'm your person and when they first talk about it they're talking about like oh I'm the person
that's on your um medical stuff like if you go to the hospital like they're you're the person that
they're gonna call because you're my person and that turns into this phrase for them of like
you're the person that I go to you're the person that um like I need in my special moments you're
(34:35):
the person who understands me better than anyone and that's you know how me and Mallory feel very
strongly that we're in some ways like platonic soulmates and um when I became her friend it was it was
you know just between me and her like of course I would come work for her house and spend time with
our family but it was like that was just like a small bonus now because we've been together and
(35:01):
we've been friends for ten years at this point it's become like that and oh like I'm a part of the
family that this is my family that you know like the youngest of all the kids look as he
told me one time he was saying that like he used me as his sister it tells people he introduces me to
(35:24):
people as his sister and um I just think that there's something so beautiful about that because in a
lot of ways blood is not what makes a family it's it's very much about like you know a feeling of
togetherness of being there for each other when you need each other and I'm so so super grateful
that mom and dad and everybody here has been able to be there for me because um when I first moved to
(35:52):
Utah I had no idea what I was gonna do I didn't know like like where I was gonna work and Mallory
brought me here and um it was almost like assumed like from the beginning that I was at some point
gonna live in this house so that I could get back on my feet and then when everything happened and I
got diagnosed with leukemia it was like yep that's you're gonna come and live here and you're gonna
(36:16):
and we're gonna take therapy and we're gonna be there for you and we're gonna get through this
together and um dad has been such a great person to be able to talk to about everything because he
understands like where I'm coming from and what I'm feeling about everything and how sometimes it
can just feel so hopeless and how other times you just like all you have is your hope you know
(36:38):
and so like being able to be here and have dad and having mom be there for me too like we have such great
conversations I feel like especially when we're like getting down into our feelings you know and
just like really like saying what we want to say we've had so many conversations about you know about
you know racial situations and talking about um just in general things that are happening in the news
(37:05):
and compassion like I feel like me and mom are so similar and how we feel about what it needs to be
compassionate and I think that's one of the things that makes me super special and so it's really
nice to have somebody in my life that shares that special quality. That's amazing. I love the fact that
family and love and community can look like different things and uh one of the things I love that
(37:33):
you talk about Mariah with doing this show is your hope and heart that people build a community and
they share their stories and they find community with each other and uh you've done such a great
job of creating a website and and patreon and social pages do you want to kind of let people know how
(37:54):
they can become part of an extended family? Yeah so we have up right now we have a patreon that you
can join in I kind of call it the Mariah Effect Family um where you can um for like all of the tears
that we have available are all under $10 a month so it's like for a lot of people like especially
(38:17):
like somebody like me like I pay like 10 bucks a month for Spotify just to have music for myself
this comes with so much more like even at the smallest tier um it's at uh $3.99 per month and you can
get access to the episodes bonus content add free episodes and then the next year you're able to get
(38:39):
some extra bonus content like a preview of the next episode um the episode a day early and then
above that you get to have uh we're gonna do some like live Q&A's so you can come and join and ask
us questions that we don't really answer in the podcast for you or whatnot um and then also a
(39:02):
handwritten letter from me um right now we have our very first patreon member who I'm gonna mention
because that's part of the package um is Dersana aka my my my birth mom the woman who you've
written me um and my cousin and Jason's actual cousin because on his second cousin what's
(39:23):
or one uh whatever it is first cousin like that first cousin once removed it's funny because mom
is the one who told me who explained it to me um and I just always permit immediately after the conversation
but uh yeah so there's different levels to the tiers it's all on patreon.com/themoriieffect
(39:44):
and we also have the links to that on the website which is the dash moriah-ethet.com and that has
access to the show notes for all of these episodes so if there's ever anything that we're talking
about in the episode like for this episode i'll put a link to a video where the guy who what was his name
again? Steven Cuffee. Steven Cuffee um was talking about that on youtube i'll put a link to that
(40:09):
any other information or materials that we'll talk about in the show put on there or books from the show
it'll have an outline of like what we're talking about in the show there's also the blog that's on
there where I talk about I sit in chemotherapy on the Saturday and you know just write about my
week so far and things that are coming to me in the moment um and it usually has like the update about
(40:32):
what's going on with me medically um and then you know it has all the links on our social content
and everything and links to where you can listen to the podcast if you're listening on Spotify and
you want to find out how to listen on good pods which is something I didn't know existed until now um
then the link will be on there too. Amazing amazing uh well anything else on your mind before
(40:57):
before here I have one request actually I'd love to have patty back this I feel like
patty's got so much to share with us how do you feel about that wrap? I feel like that's a good idea
I mean 35 years of marriage did you care that like that's older than I am. There's a lot of stories to
I hope so because my oldest daughter is older than you so I hope that it's older than you four years
(41:22):
than you are old. No the married the the sort of like marital lessons would be interesting but I'm
more interested in how you stay looking so young because I did not see you telling us your grandma too
so I'm kind of like head explode here. Oh I owe all of that to my mom it's the Japanese Jesus. Oh okay
(41:43):
I'm very vantage got it. Yeah you're the widest out of all of us Jason unfortunately.
I just said to my wife I have something more I want to say. So and I should have told you this before
we actually started recording but I had this idea when I was thinking about this earlier that
at the end of your podcast when you should always ask your guest what does it mean to you
(42:06):
to try compassion because that's your tagline right try compassion I love that I love that we're just
trying to help encourage people to be more compassionate and I would love to hear from all your guests
what does that mean to try compassion so I want to be the first one to answer that question for you
yeah I got that for you. So I mentioned at the very beginning that I'm the daughter of a Christian
(42:33):
dad and a Buddhist mom and when I was a little girl we're not really little like in high school
I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with religion in my life and I go to a lot of
different churches trying to figure out is this church though I want to go to is this church
where I want to go to and my mom invited me to go to temple with her and at that time I said you
(42:59):
know what mom I I need to stay Christian but thank you and the reality was that exploring
Eastern religions scared me because I worried that it would pull me away from my Christian
beliefs and I didn't want that you know fast forward now to where I am and studying Eastern
(43:24):
philosophies his part of the pun but very enlightening to me and I have found that it doesn't contradict
with my Christian beliefs but that it gives more clarity and understanding so what I want to
say about try compassion I think in Western religions and Western society we are focused on
(43:53):
being perfect overcoming sin overcoming our weaknesses you know in the Bible Jesus said be
therefore perfect and we just take that literally we gotta be perfect in everything we have to
have the perfect life perfect home perfect kids perfect marriage perfect job perfect dogs
but life isn't perfect and what I've learned about an Eastern philosophies is that they focus on
(44:22):
compassion and yes we want to be better in our lives we want to improve we want to be good
but as we take this journey to be becoming that person we are compassionate with ourselves
with our fellow travelers with everything that we come across my favorite analogy is to look at
(44:44):
nature you go up to the mountains I love where I live we can be like in solitude in the mountains in
like 15 minutes it's amazing when you look at nature it is not perfect and it's always changing
though we say that it's beautiful and isn't life that way life is not perfect it's always changing
(45:12):
but it's beautiful me as a person you as a person humanity we are not perfect
but we can change we're always working on changing hopefully for the better and not as beautiful
so for me when you say try compassion like yeah let's just be compassionate with ourselves with others
(45:35):
allow for imperfections allow for change and see the beauty
gosh that like and it's so funny because we we have that conversation before and even just
hearing you talk about it again it still gives me that that feeling of like this is the right thing
(45:59):
like I you know I have been doing this podcast mostly as a way to be able to keep my mind going well
I can't do so many things right now but like at the end of the day like the whole point of this is
to be able to reach other people and to be able to help other people with whatever they're going through
(46:20):
and so when you say something like that I'm like okay like I know that this is the right thing to do
I know that this is like a good thing that I'm doing it's an amazing thing that you're doing Mariah
and it has a potential to reach so many people and if those of us who listen and support you
if we can take these moments to just internalize what you're doing what your goal is
(46:46):
you are going to make the world a better place you already have but you'll continue to do that
and I'm honored to be a small part of that oh dang where's the tissue
I believe patty just said what the Mariah effect is on that yeah I um I was thinking of like how to do
(47:15):
like a sign off for this episode today um and I don't want to say because mom said it so beautifully
but do you have any other thoughts Jason? No it's yours to take us home that was beautiful
yeah um but I just want to like remind everybody that like instead of only being kind to people who
(47:43):
are being kind first you know just be kinder the even more kind to the people that are
you know clearly having a hard time clearly going through something being rude to other people
because they need that compassion they need that um kindness to come from someone and most people
(48:06):
aren't going to do that and so if you're the person that's doing that then you are changing
they're hurt on you're changing the way that they're seeing the world right now and that could be
life changing remember that you don't know what anybody is doing what they're going through um to try to
accomplish I will see you everybody nice week for next episode bye bye
(48:33):
I love you I love you too
bye talk to you later bye yeah bye
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