December 2, 2025 • 35 mins
Ever feel like you're not good enough, no matter what you accomplish? You're not alone.
In this episode, we sit down with therapist, educator, and author Diane Lang to explore the thought patterns that quietly undermine our confidence and what we can do to change them. Diane, author of "Worthy," shares insights on:
www.mentalwealthpod.com
DISCLAIMER: The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed are the speaker’s own and do not constitute legal, medical, or other forms of professional advice. The material and information presented here is for general information and entertainment purposes only. The "Mental Wealth Podcast" and "Pedal My Way" names and all forms and abbreviations are the property of its owner and its use does not imply endorsement of or opposition to any specific organization, product, or service.
In this episode, we sit down with therapist, educator, and author Diane Lang to explore the thought patterns that quietly undermine our confidence and what we can do to change them. Diane, author of "Worthy," shares insights on:
- The difference between perfectionism and excellence, and why striving for perfection sets us up for failure
- How a growth mindset and the power of "yet" can transform our approach to challenges
- Practical mindfulness techniques that take just 2-3 minutes but can reset your entire day
- Why over-apologizing is connected to feelings of unworthiness
- The real relationship between money and happiness (spoiler: it's not what you think)
- How to navigate social media without damaging your self-worth
- Simple daily practices like journaling and gratitude that can rewire your brain
www.mentalwealthpod.com
DISCLAIMER: The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed are the speaker’s own and do not constitute legal, medical, or other forms of professional advice. The material and information presented here is for general information and entertainment purposes only. The "Mental Wealth Podcast" and "Pedal My Way" names and all forms and abbreviations are the property of its owner and its use does not imply endorsement of or opposition to any specific organization, product, or service.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Today, we're joined by therapist, educator, author, and positive psychology
expert Diane Lang for a conversation that gets the heart
of why so many people struggle to feel worthy and
what we can do to change that. Throughout our discussion,
Diane shed's light on the thought patterns that quietly undermine
our confidence, how those patterns develop, and what we can
(00:27):
do to break them. Whether you're curious about building self awareness,
creating healthier habits, or understanding the psychology behind feelings of
unworthiness in our modern world, this episode offers practical insights
and compassionate guidance to help guide you in your journey
towards self acceptance. All right, let's dive it. Diane, Thank
(00:50):
you so much for giving us of your weekend that
we really appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Thank you for having me. I'm really excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
So your book Worthy It goes into some of the
thought patterns that people might feel unworthy. Could you describe
some of those thought patterns for people?
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Isn't it sure? I have dealt with it myself, with
that unworthiness and those thought patterns, and I kept seeing
a lot of the same repetitiveness with a lot of
my clients. And it could come up looking different for everybody,
but it usually has a lot of I'm not good enough,
I'm not worthy, I'm not likable, nothing works out for me.
(01:24):
It's usually that negative inner voice that we just can't
stop that's in there, and it shows up throughout the
day when we feel insecure. So it could show up
at work as imposter syndrome. It could show up in
our own personal or professional lives as perfectionism or looking
for acceptance and approval from others a big one for
(01:44):
a lot of us, specially women. Not that men don't,
but women especially as people pleasing, you know, trying to
make sure everybody else is happy, even when you're feeling
so stressed and resentful and bitter about it, but still
having that fear of saying no or asking for help
or self care. So it seems to be the root
of so many issues for so many people, that unworthiness.
(02:08):
But that's how it shows up, both in our inner
voice and some of the ways it shows up professionally
as well as personally.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
You spoke about perfectionism, and in the book you make
a great point about perfectionism that's excellence and some of
the ways in which perfectionism can actually inhibit people from
reaching their objective as personally. Could you speak a little
bit about the difference between perfectionism and excellence?
Speaker 2 (02:30):
So perfectionism is just setting yourself up for failure. There
is no such thing as perfection except for my dog.
I do think my dog is perfect. But outside of that,
we really can't strive for perfection. It's okay to strive
for excellent. And one of the things is you have
to define what excellent looks like for you. It's kind
of like happiness or success. They're individually defined. You shouldn't
(02:54):
compare yourself to somebody else's version or try to be
somebody else. It's what does excel look like for you?
Because it's so different. And if we're striving to be
something that's not going to cultivate happiness or even be
intrinsic where we have some internal value for it, it's
never going to work. And the other thing is growing
(03:14):
up in the New York City area, a lot of
us have what we call the type a personality where
we're always trying to be in control of everything, afectionist multitasking,
which we know we're not good at doing as humans,
and always on the go and fast paced, so sometimes
they overlap here. I mean, it took me even a
while because I'm like, all right, I'm from New York
(03:35):
originally I live in New Jersey now, but either way,
we're type A. But I realized that my perfectionism, Yes,
maybe some of it was Type A, but a lot
of it was really just perfectionism because I was so
afraid of people seeing me if I failed, if I
made a mistake, if I had a setback, which is
really not what we should do, because the truth is,
if you're taking any risks, if you're living life, you're
(03:58):
going to have mistakes, failure and setbacks. They're part of life.
They're part of our experience. And instead of looking at
them as failures, I like to think of them as
teachable learnable moments and thinking about, Okay, what just happened,
What can I learn about myself and or the situation,
how can I change, how can I grow? And building
(04:19):
up that resiliency because we can really become more resilient
from our biggest failures. And the other thing that sometimes
takes a while to think about, but if you think
in your past, anytime you had a failure or something
you considered a mistake, an obstacle, a setback. When you
look at it in hindsight, you're like, Wow, if that
didn't happen, it wouldn't lead me to the direction I
(04:41):
need to be. And if I would have stayed there
in that negative stuff pattern of fear of failure or
fear of success and perfectionism, it wouldn't have led me
to where I'm supposed to be. So using as it
kind of like a stepping stone into the right direction
of where you're supposed to go, and use it as
a teachable, learnable moment, and it could really shift where
(05:03):
we're heading and how we see things, which is really
important because happiness it's a perspective. Where do you choose
to put your attention and focus. You could put it
on the negative, or you could put it on the positive.
And yes, the negative exists, we're not saying it doesn't exist.
But if you just keep it on the negative, that's
all you see. If you choose to see the silver lining,
(05:23):
the bright side, then you could see the good in
a bad situation or you could see the purpose of
a painful situation, and both are really important. So we
really want to look at everything as a teachable, learnable.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Moment, and that brings you sort of to my next point.
You have a background in positive psychology as well. You
use this red rhetorical device in the book to talking
about the idea of yet you haven't accomplished something yet.
Could you speak to about what someone's experience might be
and how they can frame an idea in their mind
to sort of think about something as a possibility rather
(05:56):
than a negative connotation.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
So that is the.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Growth mind mindset, and it is such a great topic.
I'm so glad you brought this up because what happens
is a lot of us have this fixed mindset. We
just think we can do what we're naturally born with. Like,
if you were great at math, that's what you're good at.
I am not one of those, but let's just say
using math as an example, right, if you're good at it,
you stay good at it, but you don't think you're
(06:21):
good at anything else. And I know, for me, i'm
showing my age, but growing up here in the United States,
back when I went to elementary school and middle school,
they really stay focused on what you couldn't do. Oh
you good at math, well great, but you can't do English,
and they would really like drill it into you, and
it would make it that you ended up not liking
that subject or even putting any effort into it because
(06:41):
you just already thought that you were a failure at it,
that you just couldn't do it, it wasn't a natural talent.
But if you have a growth mindset where you realize, yes,
I have some strengths. These are things that I'm naturally
good at, but even my weaknesses, right cause we all
have strengths, we all have weaknesses. If I put the
practice in it, the time, the effort, I get, the tutoring,
the extra help, I take a certification, whatever it is
(07:04):
that I need, I can get to where I want
to be. And they say it takes about ten thousand
hours to be an expert. So anything you put your
effort into you can get there. But instead of saying
I'm horrible at this or I'm not good at this,
instead if you say, well, I'm just not good at
it yet, I'm just not there yet. And I try
to get my clients to kind of see it. Like
(07:25):
at a client say to me the other day, She's like,
you know this, all this like negative self talk. I'm
getting better at it. I noticed that, but why am
I just not doing well? And why am I, you know, failing?
And I was like, no, You're just not there yet.
I go, You're already halfway. And she was like Wow,
that little word made such a difference because she kept
thinking in her mind she wasn't going to get there.
But when she switched it from I'm never going to
(07:46):
get there or I'm only halfway there and I'm gonna
be stuck to We'm just not there yet, which means ah,
there's hope, there's potential, And then you can lead down
after the yet to the next question, all right, what
is my next step? What do I need to do?
I got same like as a diet, if I want
to lose twenty pounds but I've only lost ten. Instead
of saying well, this is it, This is as good
as it gets. If I say well, I'm just not
(08:07):
at the twenty pounds yet, then it makes you think, Okay,
what do I need to do for the next ten
Do I need to switch my diet? Do I need
to switch my exercise? My plateauing? Why? And it makes
you think different, then well, this is at as good
as it's going to get where you just end it
and you're like, Okay, this is it, and then sometimes
you end up going back into the failure because you
don't believe you can go any further. So just using
(08:29):
this simple word yet or even knowing that we have
that ability even in like a workplace, if you look
at your weaknesses and you decide which ones you would
benefit from if you did the work. Like for me,
I am really not good visual spatial. I'm a verbal
linguistic person. I love reading, I love writing. Speaking to
visual spatial, I'm horrible. But I knew visualization was such
(08:51):
an important skill that I wanted not just to teach
my clients, my students, but for myself. I just wanted
to be able to visualize it myself that goal. There
was a week it took me, I'm not gonna lie months,
probably six seven months of practicing all the time with
guided imagery guided. But now it just comes to me.
I mean it's a few years later, but now it
just comes to me and I could just visualize and
(09:12):
this was something I couldn't even do. So we all
have that ability. So even your weaknesses can become strengths
if it's something you'll benefit from so definitely you're not
there yet.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
In the book, you mentioned about the importance of journaling
and sort of getting your thoughts out on paper on
a daily basis and making that a practice. Could you
speak about the sort of tangible benefits of that sort
of daily practice. Is that similar to a meditation sort
of mindset.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
So when we think of mindfulness like as a whole,
there are different intentional practices of being mindful, So meditation,
journal writing, gratitude, taking a yoga class, sitting in nature,
those are all intentional practices of mindfulness where you get
all the benefits of reducing your stress, harmon cortisol blood pressure,
(10:01):
reducing chronic pain, self soothing, calming, sleeping better. Right, we
get all of those benefits, and journal writing is one
of those. It's something that you can do. I don't
want everybody to think like you have to. If you're
not verbal linguistic and you don't enjoy journal writing or
diary writing or creative writing of any type, this isn't
for you. And maybe taking a walk in nature's better
or doing prayers a gratitude there's no wrong or right.
(10:24):
It's what works for you. But for a lot of
my clients. We do a practice where they do it
every morning. It becomes part of their morning routine where
they just do a free rate. So you just get
a journal, you know, go to the dollar store, get
yourself a nice journal, piece of you know, pen and
paper always works better. I always say that it's just
more therapeutic to write it out. And what you do
is you just write whatever's on your mind, just releasing
(10:47):
it so we don't hold on to it. It doesn't
stress us out all day. Just write it. No spell check,
no grammar check, no editing, just right to release. Now
you have two options. You could keep it as a
journal where you can go back too and look at
how far you've come, self awareness, self reflection, see your patterns,
your habits. Or if you don't want to, or you're
(11:08):
afraid someone's going to read it, you can rip it
up like you're ripping up negativity for the day. I
have a client who works from home and she puts
it through her paper shredder, and not even because she's
afraid other people read it. She just feels like I'm
releasing the negative. It's just going and there it is.
And you can use it either way or both and
it's really good to have a routine. A morning routine
sets you up for a day of success. Evening routine
(11:30):
helps wind you down so you get a good night's sleep.
So for a lot of people it's a great morning routine,
but it doesn't have to be. But it does work
really well and you do get that mindfulness, which is
really important. But if you're going to have a stressful day,
it is a great way to start it off. Just
write it out and just a little other suggestion in
the evening if you know you have busy days, or
(11:51):
you can make this part of your evening routine, just
write out you to do list. I'm always old school
pen and papers showing my age, but I just find it.
You routine it more member more, it's more therapeutic. Write it,
put it somewhere you'll see it in the morning, your nightstand,
your computer, wherever it is. And then this way it
doesn't keep you up at night or if you wake
up two three in the morning, you don't ruminate about it.
(12:12):
It's on paper, and then you could just see it
first thing in the morning and check it off as
you go. But writing is really beneficial.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
I would want to look at society in general, now
more specifically this idea of the hustle culture people have
where they've got maybe two or three jobs and they're
trying to focus on many different things during the day.
Is there anything people in that situation can do to
sort of reset, maybe be more mindful in the moment,
And could you speak a little bit about the potential
(12:40):
damage that that kind of thing can do on your
mindset on a day to day basis.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
You know, it's kind of funny, like years ago, we
were just considered freelancers. It wasn't the gig economy or
the side hustle. You were just a freelancer. And someone
like me, I thrive doing that, like I have my
clients as a coach. I was teaching college to a
college twenty five years, so I'd have one or two
classes a semester. Then I would have speaking and I
loved it, and all of a sudden it got this title.
(13:07):
And for some people we thrive that way. For others
it's really stressful. So one knowing your personality, just knowing
what works for you, Like not everybody should be a
business owner. Not everybody thrives that way. Other people thrive
being part of a team. Some thrive being working alone,
just knowing who you are and being aware of your
value system, your personality and knowing what works. But if
(13:29):
you are doing it, whether you're doing it because you
enjoy it or you need to financially or for benefits,
whatever your situation is. Again, even if you're working two
or three jobs, you're going to have little breaks in
there and mindfulness. For people, they always think it has
to be like this hour long meditation or take a
half hour walk to get the benefits, and it doesn't.
You can do little I just say, like little reboots
(13:52):
refreshes during the day that take two to three minutes
that won't change your schedule but will give you that
mindfulness reset. And it could be as simple as one.
It could be preventative. Right, So, knowing that you went
from one job, now you have an hour break, you
got to eat, you gotta drive, just getting in your car,
and for two minutes before you drive, just close your
(14:12):
eyes if you feel safe. Obviously, if you're not in
a safe environment, don't close them. But if you can
close your eyes and just breathe for two minutes, just
deep breathing. Because when we're stressed, anxious, forwhelmed. We either
hold our breath or we shallow breathe, which makes us
more nervous and jittery. It's just deep breathing, which is
just so simple. In through your nose, hold, exhale through
(14:34):
your mouth. That's it. If you just want to stay simple,
just do that for a minute or two. If you
want to add to a do box breathing, which is
the most popular one. It's what the military does when
boots hit the ground, and it's the same process. Just
everything's account of four. So you take a deep breath
of your nose for four, hold for four, exhale for four. Repeat,
and you could do that two to three minutes. If
(14:56):
you don't want to do deep breathing, or you got
allergies or you're sick or what whatever it is, you
could do a grounding exercise. And again in between, you
could do this before you walk into a job, when
you leave a job, in the bathroom, in your cubicle,
anywhere you can do a grounding. And grounding is another
form of mindfulness, and a simple one is just called
the five four three two one technique, and it's just
(15:18):
using your senses. So again it could be done anywhere
and it's just as simple in any order you want,
Like what a five things you see? You just look
in the environment, what you see, what's going on around you?
What are four things you hear? Again? Just whatever it is?
Could be the humming of your computer, cars passing, three
things you touch, two things you smell, one thing you taste,
and if you don't have anything to eat or drink,
(15:40):
it could just be whatever. If you brush your teeth,
you taste a mint, the coffee, those things are two
to three minutes, or just going outside for nature. So
if you're at your job and you need a break,
walking outside, change of scenery, and if you can't go outside,
maybe just go down to the lobby where the sun
is coming through the window. Just sitting there, sitting in
your car, of feeling the sun on your skin. All
(16:02):
of that is mindfulness and very simple too. You can
do this as you're driving a gratitude check, just noticing
this question, what are two to three things I am
grateful for that happened today? And you could be doing
this at five to night driving home from work and noticing,
oh wow, for some reason, there's not as much traffic,
or I'm getting to work my second job a little early,
(16:23):
have enough time to stop and get a coffee or wow,
you know, I ran into a friend that I don't
normally get to seen. We got to talk for a minute.
That's simple. Gratitude is another form of mindfulness. So every
time you're feeling grateful, and it's also a positive emotion,
so it's kind of a superpower. So every time I
feel grateful, I get a boost of happiness because it's
a positive emotion. It's also a form of mindfulness, so
(16:44):
I reduce my stress. The other thing is if you
make gratitude a consistent part of your routine, and consistency
is key for all of this. If you do that
every day, you start rewiring your brain to notice the
good because it's really easy to go to the negative.
I'm stuck in traffic out it's cold, instead of but
I'm in my warm car and yeah there's traffic, but
(17:04):
I'm getting to listen to my favorite podcast, and this
gives me an extra five minutes just deep breathe before
I walk into the chaos at my next job or
home with all the kids. Like you'll get to see
the good in a bad situation, and gratitude does that.
It rewires your brain in a positive way. And again
it's all mindfulness and happiness. So you could do any
of that in between, and you can pick and choose.
(17:26):
You don't have to do it the same way every time,
but just having as I like to say, here's your
emotional toolbox. What tools are in there that you're going
to pull out to use and they work? And even
a simple one just to add this, if you want
to chew gum, and if you don't want to chew gum,
it's the repetition of chewing. It could be peanuts, could
be pretzels, it could be twizzlers, celery. But when we
chew repetitively, it reduces nervousness and worry. So maybe you're
(17:51):
going into you know, my college students say they'd rather
die than public speak. A little harsh, but that's how
they feel. So I'm always like, hey, if you know
who you're speaking today, your presentations to I, chew some
gum on your way in, Like, not while you're up there,
obviously that's rude, but on your way in. Just chew
the gum or chew it your you know, whatever you're
eating a snack, and it'll relax you and it also
little side note, it improves memory, so it's really good
(18:14):
for you know, if you have a presentation or a
student or work related too. So there's so many ways
to just do things quickly easy. It's just taking little
breaks through out your day. And the biggest one, and
I know I'm babbling, but just want to put this
out here, is the mind body connection being aware of
when you are hitting that stress point. And it's really
easy for us to be in denial, to preoccupied, to avoid.
(18:36):
So mentally we can push it, push it or shove
it down, but our bodies will let us know. So
no way you hold stress on your body. Everybody holds
stress on their body. It could be shoulders, neck and back.
It could be your jaw, if you know, grinding, your clenching,
headaches and graines stomach, your whole body tenses up wherever
it is, no because that's an alarm going off. So
(18:57):
even if you feel like you're just working, working, and
all of a sudden you just breathe for a second
and you're like, oh my god, I've had a headache
for the last twenty minutes, that's the sign. If you
feel your jaw hearting, you're like, Okay, this is a sign.
I just need to take two or three minutes to
get up, change the scenery, breathe whatever it is I need.
But you need to pay attention to your physical body.
Our body is called the pain body because we hold
(19:19):
all of those emotions on our body, so use it.
It's a red flag. It's an alarm giving you the
information you need to take a break. And we all
have a different level of what stresses is out, So
the best way to do it is pay attention to
your body.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
I was thinking about social media because we're talking about
self worth and worthiness. A lot of people talk about
the negatives of social media, whether there could be a
positive correlation between community and social media, and whether those
positives outweigh the negatives.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
So it's a really hard question for this fact. Everybody
is different. But for most people, and my college students
have said this for years, most of the time social
media makes you feel worse than better. And Anderson Cooper,
the journalist said it perfect. He's like, when I get
off of Twitter or X, He's like, I feel like shit,
and you do usually excuse my language, but if you
(20:08):
go on for five ten minutes, like maybe check you
have any instant messages that come on or checking for birthdays.
You just scroll for a few minutes. It's probably not
a big deal. And my client said this to me
the other day. She goes, I think I'm going to
be on Instagram for ten minutes. She goes. The next
thing I know, it's forty five minutes, and my lunch
breaks over and I didn't even taste my food, like
I eat it, but I don't even remember. We get
on that autopilot, she goes, and then I feel worse.
(20:30):
I feel guilty that I wasted my time. I got
nothing productive out of the first five minutes of seeing
some dog pictures and my friends where they were. So again,
limited is fine because it gives you community. It gets
you to see what's going on, especially if you're people
who live far. It'd be great to see what you're
doing and see your pictures and your family or using
these technologies like riverside or webags or zoom. Those are
(20:51):
great and social media per se, if it's limited, is fine.
But again, the mind body connection is perfect. Knowing when
you're starting to feel the stress. If you can tune
into your body and know that, whether it's five minutes
or twenty minutes that it's too much and you feel
it on your body, that's the sign to get off.
One of the dangers I don't like is most of
us growing up, a lot of us just grew up
(21:13):
watching TV. You didn't have your phone, you didn't have
an iPad, you would just watch TV. Nobody can do
that anymore. We've just multitask everybody is doing. They have
the TV on, they have their phone, they have they iPad,
they have a laptop, and we're becoming so overstimulated. It's
affecting our sleep. People are feelings more stress on their neck,
back and shoulders because you're just sitting. We're also knowing
(21:34):
they're not drinking enough water. We're having issues with weight
because we're not exercising and getting up and moving. So
it's really important that yes, use it for what you
need it and no one it feels good, and no
one it feels bad. And I do suggest for most
of my students as well as my clients, is you
don't have to everything on your phone if you need
the effort. That's what I just did one of my clients,
(21:56):
I said, remove it all from your phone. So if
you want to go on any social media. You got
to go on it. Like it's not on your app,
it doesn't come up. You have to go on it
and sign in. And she started doing that. She goes,
oh my god, it limited it because it's such a
pain in the bud and half the time when I do,
and I'm like, I don't really want to see it.
If it's stare and I could just go, I will,
But if I have to make even if it's only
a one minute effort, it's not worth it. You realize
(22:18):
that you don't want to be on it to begin with,
and there's something else you should be doing. So it
really is limiting your technology use and also limiting it,
especially at night, because whatever you're thinking about twenty to
thirty minutes before you go to bed effects if you sleep,
how you sleep, how you dream, what mood you wake
up in. I was doing a speaking event yesterday and
(22:38):
one of the attendees came on and she's like, you know,
you're right. She's like, I have the worst time at
night because that's where everything ruminates, and that's what happens. Right.
You're so exhausted, you said good night, goodbye to everybody.
You lay down in bed, even though it's dark and
the TV and everything's off, you start ruminating and whatever
you were just thinking about or watching. So no news
(22:58):
at night. That's just going to provoke fear and anxiety.
But whatever you're doing an hour before, it should just
be light. If you want to watch TV. I know
a lot of people fall asleep at their TV. And
just make sure it's light, not the news, but remove
your technology, your laptops, your smartphones, your tablets, get them out.
The best way to fall asleep is a good old
fashioned book or if you're going to listen to a
meditation story or a podcast, put your technology under the
(23:21):
blanket so there is no light. Put your headphones in
and make sure it's a technology that doesn't go to
an ad and wakes you up. So you could just
fall asleep. And you know you might fall asleep with
your earbuds in. You probably pull them out while you're sleeping.
But we can fall asleep to stories and podcasts and
music and meditation. But you don't want the light. And again,
you don't want it to be anything that's overstimulating or
upsets you. And social media brings us to that. Comparing
(23:43):
ourselves to others and not just celebrities, the person who
went to high school with college, the neighbor, our best friend.
And it's a different kind of comparing. It's not like
when we were growing up and you just compared yourself
to the magazine covers in TV. Now it's everywhere, so
it's really inundating, So just limiting it. I know these
are long answers for questions, but they're just not simple
(24:06):
to just say one or two things.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
I appreciate it because it's all connected. It's connected to ruminating.
It's connected to the daily experience of gratitude because you
look at social media, maybe you don't feel as you
don't have the right gratitude for the things you have
because somebody else has more. So it's all sort of
connected to that day to day experience and that the
mind body connections as you For the.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
Self worth part, what does the baseline that you say
that you're not good enough yet? I know for weight laws,
they might be in numbers as a baseline, but what
about that cannot be quantified. How do you evaluate where
you war in the in the state of implement I.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
Think everybody defines it for themselves. So what happens for
most of us as adults, especially midlife. I see a
lot of this is somewhere in our late teens early twenties.
We made a goal of what our life will look
like when we're older, right, when we're adulting. Right, you
figure how much money we're going to make, where we're
going to work, where we're going to live, kids, the
whole thing, And usually somewhere midlife the thirties, early forties,
(25:07):
maybe mid forties, a lot of people start going, well,
my life didn't turn out as planned. This sucks. Or
people will go, wow, it turned out exactly as I
planned it, but I don't like it, and they start
having kind of like a little bit of an identity confusion,
like what do I want? What am I doing. It's
also a time in life where you know, hormone changes,
whether it's women perimenopause, menopause, for men it's andrewopause. It's
(25:31):
the empty nest syndrome for a lot of people, where
the kids are out or so busy that you're like, Okay,
what do I want to do? Or you know a
lot of times we're like, well we don't need to
have this much financial coming in because we're done with
college and mortgage, so we can have more freedom of
what we want. You know, there's all those things, or
you know, the Sandwich generation. Now your kids are still there,
but now you take care of your parents. Is so
(25:51):
much going on, and it causes a lot of people
to really kind of evaluate their lives. So you know,
I'm not doing researchers. You know, I didn't do any
data research work, particularly for the book. It was more
of what I was hearing from clients and students, and
that seemed to be the common theme. Is like thirty
(26:12):
eight thirty nine to like almost fifty people were like,
you know, I'm not where I was supposed to be.
And sometimes it's comparing themselves to where they thought. Sometimes
it's what their parents told them they should have done,
or what society. And then social media comes in and says, well,
look at this. You know, almost twenty percent of the
people you went to high school with are making this
much money and they'd live here, and you know, and
(26:32):
then you start it's really your own cycle in your
brain because for some people, they are in their forties
because it's not everybody and they're like, you know, I
wanted to have three kids and they're be healthy and
happy and well, I did it, And then maybe they're like,
what's next and they think about their next chapter, but
they don't feel that certain people, and I am one
of these always looking for what's next, like I always
(26:53):
need to be doing better, and I feel like I'm
never going to be one of those peoples fully satisfied.
And yes, that brings up some challenges of am I
ever going to be fully happy? But on the other hand,
it keeps me really motivated and driven, so I kind
of like it and I don't lose that spark. So
I've kind of learned to be more moderate, like, Okay,
take some time to save and appreciate what you had done.
(27:15):
Then you could go, okay, what's next. But I think
most of us don't do that. We just go, well,
I'm here, how do I get there? We don't just
go okay, well, you know what, ten years ago, I
never thought i'd be here, Like I always wanted to
teach college, and when I became a professor, it was
a huge deal for me. Twenty five years later, I
couldn't wait to get out and my husband said to me,
He's like, you know, this was a big deal for you,
(27:35):
and I'm like, it was I spent some time enjoying
it and it was time to go for me. But
I never did that with almost anything else. Remembering your
journey is your journey. If you compare it to other
people's journeys, it's never going to work. Somebody's always going
to be in a better place and somebody's always going
to be in a worse place. So it's where do
you want to be? And if you're always moving forward,
(27:56):
then I think you're in a good path. Baby steps
are fine. It's just staying forward. But knowing that you
know you have to take some time to savor it.
I've noticed for me and for a lot of people,
when we savor it, we start appreciate it. Then we
get to see the good, and then we can move forward.
I have a lot of my clients do this one
simple exercise called the stick figure exercise, where you just
(28:17):
kind of put a stick figure in the middle. On
the left side you put all your quality traits right,
everything that you're professionally personally. The other side you put
all your accomplishments, and then on the bottom you can
put all the roles you play. And when you see
the full picture. You realize how far you've come, and
it boosts your confidence. But it also gives you a
really clear picture, especially if you're somebody who is negative
(28:39):
and doesn't see how much you're doing. You know, how
many accomplishments you have, what great quality traits and strengths
you have, and what roles you do, how much you do,
and it's sometimes a real good awakening to see it
and be like, wow, I am doing a lot and
I have come really far, and that's really important.
Speaker 3 (28:56):
Then people talk to you, and people are not happy
with bea In how many cases is money and influence
on them? Is it more financial or is it more emotional?
Satis question that they are unhappy with.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Statistically, happiness and money don't really correlate that well, believe
it or not. So, I mean what it looks like
is if you're making only let's say you live in
New York, New Jersey, where median income to live a
normal decent life is like one hundred thousand. If you're
making thirty thousand, it's do I pay my rent or
gift food? Yeah, then making more money is going to
bring more happiness. Absolutely, But if you're making one hundred
(29:34):
thousand or three hundred thousand or five million. Your happiness
only goes up by about five percent the more money
you make. And I've noticed that with clients it's really
more an inner It's not about the money. It's more
of like, do I feel good doing this? Was I successful?
Did I accomplish my dreams? And even I've been doing
some work for a company recently where we're asking the
employees what makes them feel recognized, and I'd say a
(29:58):
lot of them did say, of course a but at
least like ninety percent were like, well, the raise is good,
but I also want some recognition like a thank you
or a praise or telling me what I'm doing well,
Like the praise is just as important. It's that positive reinforcement. Yes, reward,
whether it's money, days off, PTO, any of that's great.
But if you're not getting somebody saying that's a really
(30:19):
good job, or a thank you or a pat on
the back, they don't want to be there either. So
they're pretty important, both of them. But I'd say once
the people are making enough money that they feel comfortable
in their lives, that's not really the main issue anymore.
It's really more emotional.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
I like that you brought up the reinforcement of praising
people for doing a good job. If you're told you
do a good job as a kid, you start to
learn that you are good at this thing, and then
you sort of go more into your natural talents. From
a working perspective too, as adults, we're just looking for
the same kind of praise like we would from a
parent or a teacher. From our basswood, looking for the
(30:55):
same kind of thing recognition. I want to sort of
speak about the idea of apologizing. You said yourself that
you were guilty of over apologize for things that you
didn't necessarily need to apologize for, and that connects deeply
with the idea of work. Can you speak about that
and how people might recognize that sort of symptom in
their self.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Apologies are important when we genuinely do something wrong. A
full apology is acknowledging what you did wrong, what behavior
or habit is hurting other people, and then not just
apologizing but making the change. But when we're always apologizing
even for things we didn't do wrong, you know, Like example,
I had a friend who does this, Like we went
(31:36):
to a restaurant and I asked for something and they
didn't have it. She's like, oh, I'm so sorry, and
I'm like, what are you sorry for. You're not the chef,
you don't on the restaurant. She's like, well, I don't know.
I'm just sorry. And I'm like, but you don't need
to be you know, She's like, well I picked the restaurant.
I'm sorry. I'm like that's the kind of apologies and
that really leads back to looking for acceptance and approval.
It goes back to people pleasing. It's just one of
(31:57):
the ways it comes out, and you know you can
learn and instead of saying sorry, saying like when you're
in a store and you bump into somebody, you'll notice
some people will be like, I'm so sorry and other
people be like, well excuse me, and changing sometimes the
wording or again instead of saying i'm sorry, I'm late
saying well, thank you for waiting for me. Shifting how
you speak, but you also have to shift how you
speak to yourself and know why am I saying I'm sorry?
(32:19):
Am I saying I'm sorry because I'm afraid you're going
to be mad at me? I saying I'm sorry because
I'm afraid I'm a failure, and you're going to see
me for who a trullium and not like me. There's
a difference, and sometimes it's just such a habit that
even when you start changing your mindset, it just comes out.
That's what I've noticed is for a lot of people,
you're so used to using that wording. For me, when
I started changing in I stopped apologizing all the time.
(32:41):
I remember at one point somebody's like, you didn't have
to apologize. I'm like, did I say I'm sorry? Like
I didn't even hear it, because I was like, I
don't feel sorry, I didn't do anything wrong. I really
meant to be like, excuse me or whatever it was.
But it was such a habit that I actually had
to start shifting the habit and again. To really change
a habit, or break a habit, form a habit for
(33:01):
it to be autopilot the way sorry was autopilot takes
a good two and a half three months of consistency.
So just giving yourself that break and that grace to
know it's going to take time, and just becoming aware.
For me, for a few weeks, I literally wore a
rubber band around my wrist and every time I said
negative things, including I'm sorry when it didn't be needed,
I'd snapped it and I called it the snap to
(33:23):
awareness technique. And yeah, it was a little painful, but
that's nothing major. But that's how you know you're doing
things that are so negative. And it kind of woke
me up to like, you don't need to do this.
You don't need to apologize. You don't have to say
are you mad at me? Because a lot of times
when people frequently apologize, it's also are you mad at me?
Is everything okay? Because it's just that fear that people
aren't gonna like you. So it comes out in all
(33:43):
those ways, and that's just one of the signs that
you feel unworthy. And again, none of this is a
judgment or bad thing. It's just awareness to know I
need to find more self love, or I need to
deal with the insecurities, or I really need to go
back to where this unworthiness comes from, whether it's child
to whether it's something later in life, but just dealing
with the issues or noticing if you're being triggered. You
(34:04):
might have done the work, but we easily can be
triggered later on in life. And you know, things can
come up, so just being aware of it so you
can make the changes or you know, get the help
you need, or just start loving yourself. And that's really important,
self love, and that's what we all need so and
there's we don't need to deserve it. If you're here,
you're human, you're on this planet, you're worthy. That's really
(34:27):
as simple. You're here for a reason, whatever that reason is,
and that could take years. At a client just say
that to me this morning, she's under sixty. She's like,
I still ask myself why am I here? Like what's
my real purpose? And sometimes I think the journey is
the purpose. You keep changing why you're really here. But
we do need to have that self love and knowing
that you're here for a reason is enough to know
(34:48):
you're worthy of it.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
That's such a great point to sort of sum up
what we've been talking about. You mentioned that just even
that small mention of the ruble band technique is talking
about the mind body connection that you've mentioned so much,
and these some of these tools are going to be
so helpful to so many people who are having these
questions for themselves and trying to think about how am
I going to achieve my goals. How am I going
(35:12):
to deal with this small daily thing that happens in
my day to day life. Diane, we really appreciate all
this time and this amazing information you're providing.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
Well, thank you for having me. It was nice to
be a guests
Today, we're joined by therapist, educator, author, and positive psychology
expert Diane Lang for a conversation that gets the heart
of why so many people struggle to feel worthy and
what we can do to change that. Throughout our discussion,
Diane shed's light on the thought patterns that quietly undermine
our confidence, how those patterns develop, and what we can
(00:27):
do to break them. Whether you're curious about building self awareness,
creating healthier habits, or understanding the psychology behind feelings of
unworthiness in our modern world, this episode offers practical insights
and compassionate guidance to help guide you in your journey
towards self acceptance. All right, let's dive it. Diane, Thank
(00:50):
you so much for giving us of your weekend that
we really appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Thank you for having me. I'm really excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
So your book Worthy It goes into some of the
thought patterns that people might feel unworthy. Could you describe
some of those thought patterns for people?
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Isn't it sure? I have dealt with it myself, with
that unworthiness and those thought patterns, and I kept seeing
a lot of the same repetitiveness with a lot of
my clients. And it could come up looking different for everybody,
but it usually has a lot of I'm not good enough,
I'm not worthy, I'm not likable, nothing works out for me.
(01:24):
It's usually that negative inner voice that we just can't
stop that's in there, and it shows up throughout the
day when we feel insecure. So it could show up
at work as imposter syndrome. It could show up in
our own personal or professional lives as perfectionism or looking
for acceptance and approval from others a big one for
(01:44):
a lot of us, specially women. Not that men don't,
but women especially as people pleasing, you know, trying to
make sure everybody else is happy, even when you're feeling
so stressed and resentful and bitter about it, but still
having that fear of saying no or asking for help
or self care. So it seems to be the root
of so many issues for so many people, that unworthiness.
(02:08):
But that's how it shows up, both in our inner
voice and some of the ways it shows up professionally
as well as personally.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
You spoke about perfectionism, and in the book you make
a great point about perfectionism that's excellence and some of
the ways in which perfectionism can actually inhibit people from
reaching their objective as personally. Could you speak a little
bit about the difference between perfectionism and excellence?
Speaker 2 (02:30):
So perfectionism is just setting yourself up for failure. There
is no such thing as perfection except for my dog.
I do think my dog is perfect. But outside of that,
we really can't strive for perfection. It's okay to strive
for excellent. And one of the things is you have
to define what excellent looks like for you. It's kind
of like happiness or success. They're individually defined. You shouldn't
(02:54):
compare yourself to somebody else's version or try to be
somebody else. It's what does excel look like for you?
Because it's so different. And if we're striving to be
something that's not going to cultivate happiness or even be
intrinsic where we have some internal value for it, it's
never going to work. And the other thing is growing
(03:14):
up in the New York City area, a lot of
us have what we call the type a personality where
we're always trying to be in control of everything, afectionist multitasking,
which we know we're not good at doing as humans,
and always on the go and fast paced, so sometimes
they overlap here. I mean, it took me even a
while because I'm like, all right, I'm from New York
(03:35):
originally I live in New Jersey now, but either way,
we're type A. But I realized that my perfectionism, Yes,
maybe some of it was Type A, but a lot
of it was really just perfectionism because I was so
afraid of people seeing me if I failed, if I
made a mistake, if I had a setback, which is
really not what we should do, because the truth is,
if you're taking any risks, if you're living life, you're
(03:58):
going to have mistakes, failure and setbacks. They're part of life.
They're part of our experience. And instead of looking at
them as failures, I like to think of them as
teachable learnable moments and thinking about, Okay, what just happened,
What can I learn about myself and or the situation,
how can I change, how can I grow? And building
(04:19):
up that resiliency because we can really become more resilient
from our biggest failures. And the other thing that sometimes
takes a while to think about, but if you think
in your past, anytime you had a failure or something
you considered a mistake, an obstacle, a setback. When you
look at it in hindsight, you're like, Wow, if that
didn't happen, it wouldn't lead me to the direction I
(04:41):
need to be. And if I would have stayed there
in that negative stuff pattern of fear of failure or
fear of success and perfectionism, it wouldn't have led me
to where I'm supposed to be. So using as it
kind of like a stepping stone into the right direction
of where you're supposed to go, and use it as
a teachable, learnable moment, and it could really shift where
(05:03):
we're heading and how we see things, which is really
important because happiness it's a perspective. Where do you choose
to put your attention and focus. You could put it
on the negative, or you could put it on the positive.
And yes, the negative exists, we're not saying it doesn't exist.
But if you just keep it on the negative, that's
all you see. If you choose to see the silver lining,
(05:23):
the bright side, then you could see the good in
a bad situation or you could see the purpose of
a painful situation, and both are really important. So we
really want to look at everything as a teachable, learnable.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Moment, and that brings you sort of to my next point.
You have a background in positive psychology as well. You
use this red rhetorical device in the book to talking
about the idea of yet you haven't accomplished something yet.
Could you speak to about what someone's experience might be
and how they can frame an idea in their mind
to sort of think about something as a possibility rather
(05:56):
than a negative connotation.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
So that is the.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Growth mind mindset, and it is such a great topic.
I'm so glad you brought this up because what happens
is a lot of us have this fixed mindset. We
just think we can do what we're naturally born with. Like,
if you were great at math, that's what you're good at.
I am not one of those, but let's just say
using math as an example, right, if you're good at it,
you stay good at it, but you don't think you're
(06:21):
good at anything else. And I know, for me, i'm
showing my age, but growing up here in the United States,
back when I went to elementary school and middle school,
they really stay focused on what you couldn't do. Oh
you good at math, well great, but you can't do English,
and they would really like drill it into you, and
it would make it that you ended up not liking
that subject or even putting any effort into it because
(06:41):
you just already thought that you were a failure at it,
that you just couldn't do it, it wasn't a natural talent.
But if you have a growth mindset where you realize, yes,
I have some strengths. These are things that I'm naturally
good at, but even my weaknesses, right cause we all
have strengths, we all have weaknesses. If I put the
practice in it, the time, the effort, I get, the tutoring,
the extra help, I take a certification, whatever it is
(07:04):
that I need, I can get to where I want
to be. And they say it takes about ten thousand
hours to be an expert. So anything you put your
effort into you can get there. But instead of saying
I'm horrible at this or I'm not good at this,
instead if you say, well, I'm just not good at
it yet, I'm just not there yet. And I try
to get my clients to kind of see it. Like
(07:25):
at a client say to me the other day, She's like,
you know this, all this like negative self talk. I'm
getting better at it. I noticed that, but why am
I just not doing well? And why am I, you know, failing?
And I was like, no, You're just not there yet.
I go, You're already halfway. And she was like Wow,
that little word made such a difference because she kept
thinking in her mind she wasn't going to get there.
But when she switched it from I'm never going to
(07:46):
get there or I'm only halfway there and I'm gonna
be stuck to We'm just not there yet, which means ah,
there's hope, there's potential, And then you can lead down
after the yet to the next question, all right, what
is my next step? What do I need to do?
I got same like as a diet, if I want
to lose twenty pounds but I've only lost ten. Instead
of saying well, this is it, This is as good
as it gets. If I say well, I'm just not
(08:07):
at the twenty pounds yet, then it makes you think, Okay,
what do I need to do for the next ten
Do I need to switch my diet? Do I need
to switch my exercise? My plateauing? Why? And it makes
you think different, then well, this is at as good
as it's going to get where you just end it
and you're like, Okay, this is it, and then sometimes
you end up going back into the failure because you
don't believe you can go any further. So just using
(08:29):
this simple word yet or even knowing that we have
that ability even in like a workplace, if you look
at your weaknesses and you decide which ones you would
benefit from if you did the work. Like for me,
I am really not good visual spatial. I'm a verbal
linguistic person. I love reading, I love writing. Speaking to
visual spatial, I'm horrible. But I knew visualization was such
(08:51):
an important skill that I wanted not just to teach
my clients, my students, but for myself. I just wanted
to be able to visualize it myself that goal. There
was a week it took me, I'm not gonna lie months,
probably six seven months of practicing all the time with
guided imagery guided. But now it just comes to me.
I mean it's a few years later, but now it
just comes to me and I could just visualize and
(09:12):
this was something I couldn't even do. So we all
have that ability. So even your weaknesses can become strengths
if it's something you'll benefit from so definitely you're not
there yet.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
In the book, you mentioned about the importance of journaling
and sort of getting your thoughts out on paper on
a daily basis and making that a practice. Could you
speak about the sort of tangible benefits of that sort
of daily practice. Is that similar to a meditation sort
of mindset.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
So when we think of mindfulness like as a whole,
there are different intentional practices of being mindful, So meditation,
journal writing, gratitude, taking a yoga class, sitting in nature,
those are all intentional practices of mindfulness where you get
all the benefits of reducing your stress, harmon cortisol blood pressure,
(10:01):
reducing chronic pain, self soothing, calming, sleeping better. Right, we
get all of those benefits, and journal writing is one
of those. It's something that you can do. I don't
want everybody to think like you have to. If you're
not verbal linguistic and you don't enjoy journal writing or
diary writing or creative writing of any type, this isn't
for you. And maybe taking a walk in nature's better
or doing prayers a gratitude there's no wrong or right.
(10:24):
It's what works for you. But for a lot of
my clients. We do a practice where they do it
every morning. It becomes part of their morning routine where
they just do a free rate. So you just get
a journal, you know, go to the dollar store, get
yourself a nice journal, piece of you know, pen and
paper always works better. I always say that it's just
more therapeutic to write it out. And what you do
is you just write whatever's on your mind, just releasing
(10:47):
it so we don't hold on to it. It doesn't
stress us out all day. Just write it. No spell check,
no grammar check, no editing, just right to release. Now
you have two options. You could keep it as a
journal where you can go back too and look at
how far you've come, self awareness, self reflection, see your patterns,
your habits. Or if you don't want to, or you're
(11:08):
afraid someone's going to read it, you can rip it
up like you're ripping up negativity for the day. I
have a client who works from home and she puts
it through her paper shredder, and not even because she's
afraid other people read it. She just feels like I'm
releasing the negative. It's just going and there it is.
And you can use it either way or both and
it's really good to have a routine. A morning routine
sets you up for a day of success. Evening routine
(11:30):
helps wind you down so you get a good night's sleep.
So for a lot of people it's a great morning routine,
but it doesn't have to be. But it does work
really well and you do get that mindfulness, which is
really important. But if you're going to have a stressful day,
it is a great way to start it off. Just
write it out and just a little other suggestion in
the evening if you know you have busy days, or
(11:51):
you can make this part of your evening routine, just
write out you to do list. I'm always old school
pen and papers showing my age, but I just find it.
You routine it more member more, it's more therapeutic. Write it,
put it somewhere you'll see it in the morning, your nightstand,
your computer, wherever it is. And then this way it
doesn't keep you up at night or if you wake
up two three in the morning, you don't ruminate about it.
(12:12):
It's on paper, and then you could just see it
first thing in the morning and check it off as
you go. But writing is really beneficial.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
I would want to look at society in general, now
more specifically this idea of the hustle culture people have
where they've got maybe two or three jobs and they're
trying to focus on many different things during the day.
Is there anything people in that situation can do to
sort of reset, maybe be more mindful in the moment,
And could you speak a little bit about the potential
(12:40):
damage that that kind of thing can do on your
mindset on a day to day basis.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
You know, it's kind of funny, like years ago, we
were just considered freelancers. It wasn't the gig economy or
the side hustle. You were just a freelancer. And someone
like me, I thrive doing that, like I have my
clients as a coach. I was teaching college to a
college twenty five years, so I'd have one or two
classes a semester. Then I would have speaking and I
loved it, and all of a sudden it got this title.
(13:07):
And for some people we thrive that way. For others
it's really stressful. So one knowing your personality, just knowing
what works for you, Like not everybody should be a
business owner. Not everybody thrives that way. Other people thrive
being part of a team. Some thrive being working alone,
just knowing who you are and being aware of your
value system, your personality and knowing what works. But if
(13:29):
you are doing it, whether you're doing it because you
enjoy it or you need to financially or for benefits,
whatever your situation is. Again, even if you're working two
or three jobs, you're going to have little breaks in
there and mindfulness. For people, they always think it has
to be like this hour long meditation or take a
half hour walk to get the benefits, and it doesn't.
You can do little I just say, like little reboots
(13:52):
refreshes during the day that take two to three minutes
that won't change your schedule but will give you that
mindfulness reset. And it could be as simple as one.
It could be preventative. Right, So, knowing that you went
from one job, now you have an hour break, you
got to eat, you gotta drive, just getting in your car,
and for two minutes before you drive, just close your
(14:12):
eyes if you feel safe. Obviously, if you're not in
a safe environment, don't close them. But if you can
close your eyes and just breathe for two minutes, just
deep breathing. Because when we're stressed, anxious, forwhelmed. We either
hold our breath or we shallow breathe, which makes us
more nervous and jittery. It's just deep breathing, which is
just so simple. In through your nose, hold, exhale through
(14:34):
your mouth. That's it. If you just want to stay simple,
just do that for a minute or two. If you
want to add to a do box breathing, which is
the most popular one. It's what the military does when
boots hit the ground, and it's the same process. Just
everything's account of four. So you take a deep breath
of your nose for four, hold for four, exhale for four. Repeat,
and you could do that two to three minutes. If
(14:56):
you don't want to do deep breathing, or you got
allergies or you're sick or what whatever it is, you
could do a grounding exercise. And again in between, you
could do this before you walk into a job, when
you leave a job, in the bathroom, in your cubicle,
anywhere you can do a grounding. And grounding is another
form of mindfulness, and a simple one is just called
the five four three two one technique, and it's just
(15:18):
using your senses. So again it could be done anywhere
and it's just as simple in any order you want,
Like what a five things you see? You just look
in the environment, what you see, what's going on around you?
What are four things you hear? Again? Just whatever it is?
Could be the humming of your computer, cars passing, three
things you touch, two things you smell, one thing you taste,
and if you don't have anything to eat or drink,
(15:40):
it could just be whatever. If you brush your teeth,
you taste a mint, the coffee, those things are two
to three minutes, or just going outside for nature. So
if you're at your job and you need a break,
walking outside, change of scenery, and if you can't go outside,
maybe just go down to the lobby where the sun
is coming through the window. Just sitting there, sitting in
your car, of feeling the sun on your skin. All
(16:02):
of that is mindfulness and very simple too. You can
do this as you're driving a gratitude check, just noticing
this question, what are two to three things I am
grateful for that happened today? And you could be doing
this at five to night driving home from work and noticing,
oh wow, for some reason, there's not as much traffic,
or I'm getting to work my second job a little early,
(16:23):
have enough time to stop and get a coffee or wow,
you know, I ran into a friend that I don't
normally get to seen. We got to talk for a minute.
That's simple. Gratitude is another form of mindfulness. So every
time you're feeling grateful, and it's also a positive emotion,
so it's kind of a superpower. So every time I
feel grateful, I get a boost of happiness because it's
a positive emotion. It's also a form of mindfulness, so
(16:44):
I reduce my stress. The other thing is if you
make gratitude a consistent part of your routine, and consistency
is key for all of this. If you do that
every day, you start rewiring your brain to notice the
good because it's really easy to go to the negative.
I'm stuck in traffic out it's cold, instead of but
I'm in my warm car and yeah there's traffic, but
(17:04):
I'm getting to listen to my favorite podcast, and this
gives me an extra five minutes just deep breathe before
I walk into the chaos at my next job or
home with all the kids. Like you'll get to see
the good in a bad situation, and gratitude does that.
It rewires your brain in a positive way. And again
it's all mindfulness and happiness. So you could do any
of that in between, and you can pick and choose.
(17:26):
You don't have to do it the same way every time,
but just having as I like to say, here's your
emotional toolbox. What tools are in there that you're going
to pull out to use and they work? And even
a simple one just to add this, if you want
to chew gum, and if you don't want to chew gum,
it's the repetition of chewing. It could be peanuts, could
be pretzels, it could be twizzlers, celery. But when we
chew repetitively, it reduces nervousness and worry. So maybe you're
(17:51):
going into you know, my college students say they'd rather
die than public speak. A little harsh, but that's how
they feel. So I'm always like, hey, if you know
who you're speaking today, your presentations to I, chew some
gum on your way in, Like, not while you're up there,
obviously that's rude, but on your way in. Just chew
the gum or chew it your you know, whatever you're
eating a snack, and it'll relax you and it also
little side note, it improves memory, so it's really good
(18:14):
for you know, if you have a presentation or a
student or work related too. So there's so many ways
to just do things quickly easy. It's just taking little
breaks through out your day. And the biggest one, and
I know I'm babbling, but just want to put this
out here, is the mind body connection being aware of
when you are hitting that stress point. And it's really
easy for us to be in denial, to preoccupied, to avoid.
(18:36):
So mentally we can push it, push it or shove
it down, but our bodies will let us know. So
no way you hold stress on your body. Everybody holds
stress on their body. It could be shoulders, neck and back.
It could be your jaw, if you know, grinding, your clenching,
headaches and graines stomach, your whole body tenses up wherever
it is, no because that's an alarm going off. So
(18:57):
even if you feel like you're just working, working, and
all of a sudden you just breathe for a second
and you're like, oh my god, I've had a headache
for the last twenty minutes, that's the sign. If you
feel your jaw hearting, you're like, Okay, this is a sign.
I just need to take two or three minutes to
get up, change the scenery, breathe whatever it is I need.
But you need to pay attention to your physical body.
Our body is called the pain body because we hold
(19:19):
all of those emotions on our body, so use it.
It's a red flag. It's an alarm giving you the
information you need to take a break. And we all
have a different level of what stresses is out, So
the best way to do it is pay attention to
your body.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
I was thinking about social media because we're talking about
self worth and worthiness. A lot of people talk about
the negatives of social media, whether there could be a
positive correlation between community and social media, and whether those
positives outweigh the negatives.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
So it's a really hard question for this fact. Everybody
is different. But for most people, and my college students
have said this for years, most of the time social
media makes you feel worse than better. And Anderson Cooper,
the journalist said it perfect. He's like, when I get
off of Twitter or X, He's like, I feel like shit,
and you do usually excuse my language, but if you
(20:08):
go on for five ten minutes, like maybe check you
have any instant messages that come on or checking for birthdays.
You just scroll for a few minutes. It's probably not
a big deal. And my client said this to me
the other day. She goes, I think I'm going to
be on Instagram for ten minutes. She goes. The next
thing I know, it's forty five minutes, and my lunch
breaks over and I didn't even taste my food, like
I eat it, but I don't even remember. We get
on that autopilot, she goes, and then I feel worse.
(20:30):
I feel guilty that I wasted my time. I got
nothing productive out of the first five minutes of seeing
some dog pictures and my friends where they were. So again,
limited is fine because it gives you community. It gets
you to see what's going on, especially if you're people
who live far. It'd be great to see what you're
doing and see your pictures and your family or using
these technologies like riverside or webags or zoom. Those are
(20:51):
great and social media per se, if it's limited, is fine.
But again, the mind body connection is perfect. Knowing when
you're starting to feel the stress. If you can tune
into your body and know that, whether it's five minutes
or twenty minutes that it's too much and you feel
it on your body, that's the sign to get off.
One of the dangers I don't like is most of
us growing up, a lot of us just grew up
(21:13):
watching TV. You didn't have your phone, you didn't have
an iPad, you would just watch TV. Nobody can do
that anymore. We've just multitask everybody is doing. They have
the TV on, they have their phone, they have they iPad,
they have a laptop, and we're becoming so overstimulated. It's
affecting our sleep. People are feelings more stress on their neck,
back and shoulders because you're just sitting. We're also knowing
(21:34):
they're not drinking enough water. We're having issues with weight
because we're not exercising and getting up and moving. So
it's really important that yes, use it for what you
need it and no one it feels good, and no
one it feels bad. And I do suggest for most
of my students as well as my clients, is you
don't have to everything on your phone if you need
the effort. That's what I just did one of my clients,
(21:56):
I said, remove it all from your phone. So if
you want to go on any social media. You got
to go on it. Like it's not on your app,
it doesn't come up. You have to go on it
and sign in. And she started doing that. She goes,
oh my god, it limited it because it's such a
pain in the bud and half the time when I do,
and I'm like, I don't really want to see it.
If it's stare and I could just go, I will,
But if I have to make even if it's only
a one minute effort, it's not worth it. You realize
(22:18):
that you don't want to be on it to begin with,
and there's something else you should be doing. So it
really is limiting your technology use and also limiting it,
especially at night, because whatever you're thinking about twenty to
thirty minutes before you go to bed effects if you sleep,
how you sleep, how you dream, what mood you wake
up in. I was doing a speaking event yesterday and
(22:38):
one of the attendees came on and she's like, you know,
you're right. She's like, I have the worst time at
night because that's where everything ruminates, and that's what happens. Right.
You're so exhausted, you said good night, goodbye to everybody.
You lay down in bed, even though it's dark and
the TV and everything's off, you start ruminating and whatever
you were just thinking about or watching. So no news
(22:58):
at night. That's just going to provoke fear and anxiety.
But whatever you're doing an hour before, it should just
be light. If you want to watch TV. I know
a lot of people fall asleep at their TV. And
just make sure it's light, not the news, but remove
your technology, your laptops, your smartphones, your tablets, get them out.
The best way to fall asleep is a good old
fashioned book or if you're going to listen to a
meditation story or a podcast, put your technology under the
(23:21):
blanket so there is no light. Put your headphones in
and make sure it's a technology that doesn't go to
an ad and wakes you up. So you could just
fall asleep. And you know you might fall asleep with
your earbuds in. You probably pull them out while you're sleeping.
But we can fall asleep to stories and podcasts and
music and meditation. But you don't want the light. And again,
you don't want it to be anything that's overstimulating or
upsets you. And social media brings us to that. Comparing
(23:43):
ourselves to others and not just celebrities, the person who
went to high school with college, the neighbor, our best friend.
And it's a different kind of comparing. It's not like
when we were growing up and you just compared yourself
to the magazine covers in TV. Now it's everywhere, so
it's really inundating, So just limiting it. I know these
are long answers for questions, but they're just not simple
(24:06):
to just say one or two things.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
I appreciate it because it's all connected. It's connected to ruminating.
It's connected to the daily experience of gratitude because you
look at social media, maybe you don't feel as you
don't have the right gratitude for the things you have
because somebody else has more. So it's all sort of
connected to that day to day experience and that the
mind body connections as you For the.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
Self worth part, what does the baseline that you say
that you're not good enough yet? I know for weight laws,
they might be in numbers as a baseline, but what
about that cannot be quantified. How do you evaluate where
you war in the in the state of implement I.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
Think everybody defines it for themselves. So what happens for
most of us as adults, especially midlife. I see a
lot of this is somewhere in our late teens early twenties.
We made a goal of what our life will look
like when we're older, right, when we're adulting. Right, you
figure how much money we're going to make, where we're
going to work, where we're going to live, kids, the
whole thing, And usually somewhere midlife the thirties, early forties,
(25:07):
maybe mid forties, a lot of people start going, well,
my life didn't turn out as planned. This sucks. Or
people will go, wow, it turned out exactly as I
planned it, but I don't like it, and they start
having kind of like a little bit of an identity confusion,
like what do I want? What am I doing. It's
also a time in life where you know, hormone changes,
whether it's women perimenopause, menopause, for men it's andrewopause. It's
(25:31):
the empty nest syndrome for a lot of people, where
the kids are out or so busy that you're like, Okay,
what do I want to do? Or you know a
lot of times we're like, well we don't need to
have this much financial coming in because we're done with
college and mortgage, so we can have more freedom of
what we want. You know, there's all those things, or
you know, the Sandwich generation. Now your kids are still there,
but now you take care of your parents. Is so
(25:51):
much going on, and it causes a lot of people
to really kind of evaluate their lives. So you know,
I'm not doing researchers. You know, I didn't do any
data research work, particularly for the book. It was more
of what I was hearing from clients and students, and
that seemed to be the common theme. Is like thirty
(26:12):
eight thirty nine to like almost fifty people were like,
you know, I'm not where I was supposed to be.
And sometimes it's comparing themselves to where they thought. Sometimes
it's what their parents told them they should have done,
or what society. And then social media comes in and says, well,
look at this. You know, almost twenty percent of the
people you went to high school with are making this
much money and they'd live here, and you know, and
(26:32):
then you start it's really your own cycle in your
brain because for some people, they are in their forties
because it's not everybody and they're like, you know, I
wanted to have three kids and they're be healthy and
happy and well, I did it, And then maybe they're like,
what's next and they think about their next chapter, but
they don't feel that certain people, and I am one
of these always looking for what's next, like I always
(26:53):
need to be doing better, and I feel like I'm
never going to be one of those peoples fully satisfied.
And yes, that brings up some challenges of am I
ever going to be fully happy? But on the other hand,
it keeps me really motivated and driven, so I kind
of like it and I don't lose that spark. So
I've kind of learned to be more moderate, like, Okay,
take some time to save and appreciate what you had done.
(27:15):
Then you could go, okay, what's next. But I think
most of us don't do that. We just go, well,
I'm here, how do I get there? We don't just
go okay, well, you know what, ten years ago, I
never thought i'd be here, Like I always wanted to
teach college, and when I became a professor, it was
a huge deal for me. Twenty five years later, I
couldn't wait to get out and my husband said to me,
He's like, you know, this was a big deal for you,
(27:35):
and I'm like, it was I spent some time enjoying
it and it was time to go for me. But
I never did that with almost anything else. Remembering your
journey is your journey. If you compare it to other
people's journeys, it's never going to work. Somebody's always going
to be in a better place and somebody's always going
to be in a worse place. So it's where do
you want to be? And if you're always moving forward,
(27:56):
then I think you're in a good path. Baby steps
are fine. It's just staying forward. But knowing that you
know you have to take some time to savor it.
I've noticed for me and for a lot of people,
when we savor it, we start appreciate it. Then we
get to see the good, and then we can move forward.
I have a lot of my clients do this one
simple exercise called the stick figure exercise, where you just
(28:17):
kind of put a stick figure in the middle. On
the left side you put all your quality traits right,
everything that you're professionally personally. The other side you put
all your accomplishments, and then on the bottom you can
put all the roles you play. And when you see
the full picture. You realize how far you've come, and
it boosts your confidence. But it also gives you a
really clear picture, especially if you're somebody who is negative
(28:39):
and doesn't see how much you're doing. You know, how
many accomplishments you have, what great quality traits and strengths
you have, and what roles you do, how much you do,
and it's sometimes a real good awakening to see it
and be like, wow, I am doing a lot and
I have come really far, and that's really important.
Speaker 3 (28:56):
Then people talk to you, and people are not happy
with bea In how many cases is money and influence
on them? Is it more financial or is it more emotional?
Satis question that they are unhappy with.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Statistically, happiness and money don't really correlate that well, believe
it or not. So, I mean what it looks like
is if you're making only let's say you live in
New York, New Jersey, where median income to live a
normal decent life is like one hundred thousand. If you're
making thirty thousand, it's do I pay my rent or
gift food? Yeah, then making more money is going to
bring more happiness. Absolutely, But if you're making one hundred
(29:34):
thousand or three hundred thousand or five million. Your happiness
only goes up by about five percent the more money
you make. And I've noticed that with clients it's really
more an inner It's not about the money. It's more
of like, do I feel good doing this? Was I successful?
Did I accomplish my dreams? And even I've been doing
some work for a company recently where we're asking the
employees what makes them feel recognized, and I'd say a
(29:58):
lot of them did say, of course a but at
least like ninety percent were like, well, the raise is good,
but I also want some recognition like a thank you
or a praise or telling me what I'm doing well,
Like the praise is just as important. It's that positive reinforcement. Yes, reward,
whether it's money, days off, PTO, any of that's great.
But if you're not getting somebody saying that's a really
(30:19):
good job, or a thank you or a pat on
the back, they don't want to be there either. So
they're pretty important, both of them. But I'd say once
the people are making enough money that they feel comfortable
in their lives, that's not really the main issue anymore.
It's really more emotional.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
I like that you brought up the reinforcement of praising
people for doing a good job. If you're told you
do a good job as a kid, you start to
learn that you are good at this thing, and then
you sort of go more into your natural talents. From
a working perspective too, as adults, we're just looking for
the same kind of praise like we would from a
parent or a teacher. From our basswood, looking for the
(30:55):
same kind of thing recognition. I want to sort of
speak about the idea of apologizing. You said yourself that
you were guilty of over apologize for things that you
didn't necessarily need to apologize for, and that connects deeply
with the idea of work. Can you speak about that
and how people might recognize that sort of symptom in
their self.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Apologies are important when we genuinely do something wrong. A
full apology is acknowledging what you did wrong, what behavior
or habit is hurting other people, and then not just
apologizing but making the change. But when we're always apologizing
even for things we didn't do wrong, you know, Like example,
I had a friend who does this, Like we went
(31:36):
to a restaurant and I asked for something and they
didn't have it. She's like, oh, I'm so sorry, and
I'm like, what are you sorry for. You're not the chef,
you don't on the restaurant. She's like, well, I don't know.
I'm just sorry. And I'm like, but you don't need
to be you know, She's like, well I picked the restaurant.
I'm sorry. I'm like that's the kind of apologies and
that really leads back to looking for acceptance and approval.
It goes back to people pleasing. It's just one of
(31:57):
the ways it comes out, and you know you can
learn and instead of saying sorry, saying like when you're
in a store and you bump into somebody, you'll notice
some people will be like, I'm so sorry and other
people be like, well excuse me, and changing sometimes the
wording or again instead of saying i'm sorry, I'm late
saying well, thank you for waiting for me. Shifting how
you speak, but you also have to shift how you
speak to yourself and know why am I saying I'm sorry?
(32:19):
Am I saying I'm sorry because I'm afraid you're going
to be mad at me? I saying I'm sorry because
I'm afraid I'm a failure, and you're going to see
me for who a trullium and not like me. There's
a difference, and sometimes it's just such a habit that
even when you start changing your mindset, it just comes out.
That's what I've noticed is for a lot of people,
you're so used to using that wording. For me, when
I started changing in I stopped apologizing all the time.
(32:41):
I remember at one point somebody's like, you didn't have
to apologize. I'm like, did I say I'm sorry? Like
I didn't even hear it, because I was like, I
don't feel sorry, I didn't do anything wrong. I really
meant to be like, excuse me or whatever it was.
But it was such a habit that I actually had
to start shifting the habit and again. To really change
a habit, or break a habit, form a habit for
(33:01):
it to be autopilot the way sorry was autopilot takes
a good two and a half three months of consistency.
So just giving yourself that break and that grace to
know it's going to take time, and just becoming aware.
For me, for a few weeks, I literally wore a
rubber band around my wrist and every time I said
negative things, including I'm sorry when it didn't be needed,
I'd snapped it and I called it the snap to
(33:23):
awareness technique. And yeah, it was a little painful, but
that's nothing major. But that's how you know you're doing
things that are so negative. And it kind of woke
me up to like, you don't need to do this.
You don't need to apologize. You don't have to say
are you mad at me? Because a lot of times
when people frequently apologize, it's also are you mad at me?
Is everything okay? Because it's just that fear that people
aren't gonna like you. So it comes out in all
(33:43):
those ways, and that's just one of the signs that
you feel unworthy. And again, none of this is a
judgment or bad thing. It's just awareness to know I
need to find more self love, or I need to
deal with the insecurities, or I really need to go
back to where this unworthiness comes from, whether it's child
to whether it's something later in life, but just dealing
with the issues or noticing if you're being triggered. You
(34:04):
might have done the work, but we easily can be
triggered later on in life. And you know, things can
come up, so just being aware of it so you
can make the changes or you know, get the help
you need, or just start loving yourself. And that's really important,
self love, and that's what we all need so and
there's we don't need to deserve it. If you're here,
you're human, you're on this planet, you're worthy. That's really
(34:27):
as simple. You're here for a reason, whatever that reason is,
and that could take years. At a client just say
that to me this morning, she's under sixty. She's like,
I still ask myself why am I here? Like what's
my real purpose? And sometimes I think the journey is
the purpose. You keep changing why you're really here. But
we do need to have that self love and knowing
that you're here for a reason is enough to know
(34:48):
you're worthy of it.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
That's such a great point to sort of sum up
what we've been talking about. You mentioned that just even
that small mention of the ruble band technique is talking
about the mind body connection that you've mentioned so much,
and these some of these tools are going to be
so helpful to so many people who are having these
questions for themselves and trying to think about how am
I going to achieve my goals. How am I going
(35:12):
to deal with this small daily thing that happens in
my day to day life. Diane, we really appreciate all
this time and this amazing information you're providing.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
Well, thank you for having me. It was nice to
be a guests
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