Thorns to Blossoms

Some stories crack you open—in the best possible way. In this moving episode, Lyndsay Soprano sits down with Julie Barth to talk about what it really takes to keep going when life keeps hitting hard. From surviving domestic violence to caring for her special needs daughter and losing her husband to cancer, Julie’s story is one of pain, yes—but also one of grit, grace, and quiet strength.

Together, she and Lyndsay talk about the layered reality of motherhood, the exhaustion of caregiving, and the way grief can stretch far beyond a single moment of loss. But this isn’t a story about defeat. It’s about choosing to get back up. Julie shares how advocacy became her purpose, how community gave her strength, and how art became a powerful outlet for healing.

This conversation is a reminder that resilience isn’t something you’re born with—it’s something you build. And even in the darkest seasons, there is light to be found when women show up for each other.

Tune in if you need a reminder that pain can shape purpose—and that you don’t have to walk through it alone.

Find Julie Barth Online Here:
Instagram: @julie_barth_author
Facebook: Julie Barth
LinkedIn: Julie Barth
Website: juliebarthauthor.com
TikTok: Julie Barth Author

Find The Pain Game Podcast Online Here:
Website: thepaingamepodcast.com
Instagram: @thepaingamepodcast
Facebook: The Pain Game Podcast
LinkedIn: Lyndsay Soprano
YouTube: The Pain Game Podcast


Episode Highlights:
(00:00) Introduction to Chronic Pain and Trauma
(02:13) Resilience Through Personal Struggles
(03:50) Julie Barth's Journey with Tatum
(10:19) Facing Loss and Caregiving Challenges
(17:36) Navigating New Relationships and Challenges
(21:32) The Impact of Domestic Violence
(33:40) From Pain to Purpose: Julie's Books and Outreach

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
This is Your Pain Game podcast where we talk about
the game of living in and with chronic pain and
trauma get into the heart of how to heal. I
am your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show, I plan
on discussing with doctors, chronic pain patients, holistic practitioners, loved ones,
and anybody that is interested in having their voice.

Speaker 2 (00:25):
Heard in the chronic pain and trauma world.

Speaker 3 (00:28):
That we live in.

Speaker 1 (00:38):
So I always wanted to be a mom, right, I've
spoken briefly about it on this show from time to time,
but it just wasn't in my cards. My ex husband
and I tried like hell to have children. I believe
that there's a reason why we shouldn't try as hard
to have children, but that's for another conversation and another day.
But what trying to make babies did is at rectabit

(00:58):
on my body in more ways than I can can count,
and one of them is the reason that I'm sitting
in a wheelchair for half of my life because of
two of the medications that can cause what I have
from infertility treatment.

Speaker 2 (01:09):
One of the many reasons that I'm doing this show.

Speaker 1 (01:12):
I also wanted to be a wife, right, not to
be a wife, but to be a wife, man, right,
And that I have done, and I've done it well
three times. I'm on the third and the third is epic.
But throughout all of my dreams of being a mom,
being a wife, having a home, doing the things, traveling
all over the place, you know, all of that pain

(01:33):
weaved its way through throughout all of that, Throughout being
a child, having these hopes and dreams of what what
do you want to be when you grow up?

Speaker 2 (01:40):
I still don't even know what I want to grow
be when I grow up. I mean, give me a break.

Speaker 1 (01:44):
All of those dreams, all of those hopes, all of
those plans, and then you get hit and then you
hit again, and you get hit again, and you get
hit again, and you keep standing up and you learn
how to be resilient.

Speaker 2 (01:55):
And it's not something that you're taught in school.

Speaker 1 (01:57):
It's not like, guess what, you're going to have a
really fucked up childhood, or you're going to have a
fucked up marriage, or you're going to have this, that
and the other thing, and you're going to have to
be resilient through that.

Speaker 2 (02:05):
That's nothing that you're taught. You have to teach it
to yourself.

Speaker 1 (02:08):
And that is something that I have learned and it's
something that my guest most certainly has learned. And after
all the stories that you've heard about myself on this show,
the stories you're going to hear today about my guests
are going to make your skin jump, your body, jump
out of your skin, jump back in and want to
fly all over the world to hug this woman and
give her the most love that you've ever given anybody
in your entire life. And she is here today to

(02:30):
help give us pain purpose and that is what we
do here. That's the tagline of the show. It's the
reason I get out of bed every single morning is
to give this pain purpose. So today we're going to
chat with my gorgeous guest about domestic violence, emotional abuse,
special needs parenting, caregiving and the grief that comes with
that and when you lose that person, Resilience like I

(02:52):
talked about in its role in trauma and pain and
how we will be unstoppable. So, without further ado, I'd
like to introduce you to my guests to day, Miss
beautiful Julie Barth, Hello, my darling.

Speaker 3 (03:03):
Bye Lindsay, how are you?

Speaker 4 (03:05):
What an inspirational beginning you had me and Ghostbump, so oh,
goose pimples are always welcome on the show, are as
tissues and tears and laughter and depravity.

Speaker 2 (03:14):
So all of those things are welcome.

Speaker 3 (03:16):
Well, I'll bring all of them, thank you.

Speaker 1 (03:19):
Julie Barth is the author of Notes from a BlackBerry,
from BlackBerrys to Thorns, and the Upcoming From Thorns to Blossoms,
and wait until you hear how these names of these
books came to be. A mother of six, don't even
get me started. Professional writer and trauma survivor, Julie infuses
her work with raw honesty, hard one wisdom, and a

(03:40):
belief in finding meaning in life's hardest moments. She's also
the founder and CEO of the Colin James Barth Outreach,
a nonprofit supporting women led households in crisis. Through her
writing and advocacy, Julie empowers women to be resilient, resourceful,
and unashamed and protecting themselves and their families.

Speaker 2 (03:58):
And that is why we are here every day for
you guys. Though. All right, I'm rolling out the red
carpet for you, babe. I'd like to.

Speaker 1 (04:04):
Start talking about your daughter Tatum, her health, and then
let's take it from there.

Speaker 4 (04:09):
Okay, So I was lucky enough when you're talking about,
you know, your journeys of being a wife and a mother.

Speaker 3 (04:16):
And I actually.

Speaker 4 (04:18):
Didn't want kids, which I think is hilarious because who's
got six who was sixth that didn't want to?

Speaker 3 (04:24):
You know what I found out. I didn't want other
people's kids, that's all.

Speaker 1 (04:27):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 (04:30):
But I met my first husband in sixth fourth grade.
Actually I moved to a different town, and he's like
the first memory that I ever had. He is my
first kiss. And I'd love to say that we grew
you know, went through high school together what we did.
But we did meet back up in college, and instantly
it was like I had found what I'd been missing

(04:51):
in my life. And you know, I'm not romanticizing, I
really mean it, and found him. Got pregnant with her
first son, you know, and then I I was like,
we should keep adding to our family, because that's what
I do when things are quiet. I'm like, you know
what we need. We need another teak, we need another kid,
we need another dog. So we tried to get pregnant
with their second daughter, and we had had two miscarriages,

(05:13):
which you know are hard when you're in I was
in my late twenties and I was very discouraged, never
thought I would have kids anyway, just for medical reasons,
and ended up getting pregnant with Tatum, and right out
the gate, I went in six weeks and they were like, congratulations,
you're six weeks pregnant. And I was like, oh, that's fantastic.
And then ten weeks, congratulations you're six weeks pregnant. And

(05:34):
it continued to the point where I was like, huh,
you know, someone's gonna stick. Yeah, Like I couldn't excuse
it like instrument error, Like it was literally twelve weeks
and they were like, you know, oh you're nine weeks,
you know, good for you. And so something was restringing,
something's down right here. So it was nine months of hell.
We had amnios andsis forty three ultra sounds and there

(05:58):
wasn't anything wrong, you know. It was like she just
wouldn't grow. That was it, you know, the ultra sounds
like fine, there were no and we did plad doctors
that was saying like, oh, she's going to be come
out and she won't be able to read, she's going
to have that she's going to so by thirty seven weeks,
I was a wreck. Obviously, I was on bedrest, off
bed rest, you know, and so I think they just

(06:20):
were like, it's just time to get her out. So
they did, and she came out, and they weren't equipped
for and again this is two thousand and one, so
there's no Google, thank god, because I probably would have
gone more insane. But nobody really knew what to do
with her. So she came out and there was a
lot of medical malpractice and using her instruments, and so

(06:41):
she ended up in the niqueue for a couple of months,
which led to a track, which led to lead to
led to so it was really we traveled the country
trying to figure out what she had. We had reconstructive airway,
a lot of ups and downs and all arounds, and
medical diagnosis that never came true. And again there's no internet,
no one's talking to one another. So when she turned

(07:03):
about three, I would take her out finally, because she
couldn't even go out, that's how sick she was. And
I would take her places, and finally people started coming
up to me and I said, is that your daughter
that's on that Discovery Channel show?

Speaker 3 (07:16):
And I was you know, a little bit taken.

Speaker 1 (07:17):
Back, like my whole I just went in total goose
pimples right now, like what yeah, I mean like I'm
getting checks in the mail two for this show that
I know nothing about.

Speaker 3 (07:28):
Yeah, and like then I started like what are you watching?
I want to watch.

Speaker 4 (07:34):
So then my friend came to me one day and
she was like, I know what Tatum has. And I
was like, well, good for you, because I've seen world
renowned geneticists. I've been at the mail clinic and it
was I watched this Discovery Channel show and it's called
Primornial Darphism. So I put it into my computer because

(07:54):
AOL was finally catching up at the times and giving
you a little bit of information.

Speaker 2 (07:58):
And making us right now, Julie, I know, I know.

Speaker 3 (08:01):
Thank god, we don't get old know only our kids too.

Speaker 4 (08:03):
So like up popped Tatum's face and I was like,
oh my god, Oh my god. So Colin came home
from work and this is this is the beauty of
Colin because I was devastated, you know, because it was like,
a Colin is her husband, by the way, is my husband? Yes,
he's my my first kiss. I was not his he
would be here to tell you that. But so, you know,

(08:25):
he came home from work and I was like devastated,
because as long as we didn't know what was wrong
with Tatum, I could always pretend that she was going
to be fine. She was going to be normal, she
was going to, you know, whatever normal looks like, She's
going to be like everyone else. And said, oh my gosh, Colin,
you gotta come and you got to see this, and I,
you know, I was and everything that came with it.
And he looked and he went, Okay, what's for dinner?

(08:45):
And I was like, what do you mean?

Speaker 3 (08:47):
What's for dinner?

Speaker 4 (08:48):
I was like, aren't you what and he was like
he looked at me and he was Julie, did you
really think she was like that nothing was wrong with her,
like she was normal? And I was like, yeah, I
think I did. And it was just that was his
He was just like, they're not nothing's changed, She's gonna
be She's fine.

Speaker 3 (09:04):
She And that was Colin's way.

Speaker 4 (09:06):
It was like, don't make too big of a deal
out of something like it is what it is, deal
with what is not?

Speaker 2 (09:12):
What if?

Speaker 3 (09:13):
Kind of attitude.

Speaker 4 (09:14):
So so we you know, addressed Tatum's issues we got
our trakeout, she had several surgeries.

Speaker 3 (09:21):
We were doing great.

Speaker 4 (09:22):
We had got rid of nursing, and we were kind
of like returning to our lives. And we had two
more children, two beautiful children. And when our youngest is
about six months, we were just had this huge Halloween
party and like hundreds of people, and he just was
being a grouch like he was always kind of grouchy.

Speaker 3 (09:40):
You don't get me wrong, but just you know, no
levity in it.

Speaker 4 (09:43):
And so I finally was like, of course, being being
the stellar wife I am. I'm like, go take care
of you, like I can't do this anymore. He was
back and forth to the doctor. So I was like,
go to the hospital, don't come out until you figure
out what's wrong.

Speaker 3 (09:55):
I'm gonna go run airs.

Speaker 1 (09:58):
And do you go to the hospital and figure your
shit out, okay, but yeah, and if.

Speaker 3 (10:02):
You need me, you know.

Speaker 4 (10:03):
And so I'm out running errands and I just had
this feeling in my stomach and I was like, what,
you know, like I had this like get to the hospital,
get to the hospital now. And I called him and
he was out of it, and I was like, what
is going on? And he said, I don't know. He's like,
this is really weird. I haven't even been seen by anyone.
And I just said, you know what I'm going to
I'll be there in a minute. So raced across town

(10:25):
and right as I was walking in, the radiologist came
in and he said, I'm sorry tell you this. We
found to mind your pancreas and several legions in your liver.
And from then on it was just you know. About
three days later we found out that he had stayed
four pancreatic cancer.

Speaker 3 (10:44):
The doctor said, you have two weeks to live.

Speaker 4 (10:47):
Go home, let him say goodbye to his kids, and
you know, make the best of it. And so it was,
you know again, our oldest sister en my first six
months and then we have Tatum and my O the
sun smash in between. So I didn't, you know, that's
not my wife. I don't just pack it in and say, okay.
He did end up living sixteen months, but as you know,

(11:11):
some of them are blessing and others are a curse.

Speaker 2 (11:13):
So we lost him in two thousand and nine.

Speaker 1 (11:16):
Yeah, I mean, pancreatic cancer usually goes like licketty split,
not to be completely benign them. How I am approaching it,
but it's true. I lost an aunt to it. It
was like she found out that she had pancreatic cancer.
It was like hospice, like seven days later.

Speaker 2 (11:30):
It was so nuts.

Speaker 1 (11:31):
So when you told me lasted so long, that leads
into now you are not just a wife and a mother,
Now you're a caregiver as well. Let's talk about a
little bit about that.

Speaker 4 (11:42):
You know, it was hard because no matter where I
was at, if I was with the kids, I felt
bad that I wasn't taking care of him. If I
was with him, I felt bad I wasn't taking care
of my kids. And then I have it. She's lovely
now she's nineteen, but she was a trouble making her youngest,
and she would break into his room and steal his medications,
you know, eighteen months traveling down the hall with medicine
like it's moroccas. It got so bad that sometimes I

(12:06):
would find her and I would have to call poison control.
And for anyone who's ever called poison control, you would
have to call, give your zip code and your child's
first name. And her name was so unusual that I
started telling him it was a different name, because.

Speaker 3 (12:22):
That's how bad. That's how bad. Yeah, so it was.

Speaker 4 (12:26):
It was a lot, you know, and I'm still dealing
with Tatum's medical issues. Thank god, God did get me
a reprieve because whatever, you know, she was in the
hospital over and over and over again those first six
years of her life. And it was almost as if
when he got really sick, either the focus was shifted
or the universe gave me a break because her medical
stuff seemed to be maybe downplayed, maybe it just didn't happen,

(12:50):
but I don't remember. In fact, I just tookt to
her a pediatrician who I had lost touch with for
about ten years, and she read the book and she
didn't know any of this was going on, and she
was like, yeah, and you know, you just kind I disappeared,
and I just thought Tatum took off, And I said,
well she she did.

Speaker 3 (13:03):
You know.

Speaker 4 (13:04):
It wasn't like I was ignoring or she just literally,
like I said, I guess sometimes sometimes the universe give
me a break in one way versus you know, if
that's actually a break. But yeah, it was. It was
a long time. You know, a lot of guilt, and
I don't think I recognized it, but a lot of
survivors guilt, you end up, you know, kind of downplaying

(13:24):
somebody's pain. And it got to the point where he
wasn't cognizant anymore. But although he wasn't, I was. So
he would wake up and say things like, you know, oh,
when are we going to chemo? And I'd say, oh,
We're going to go tomorrow, knowing full well we were
never going back to chemo. So it kind of felt
like a cruel joke.

Speaker 3 (13:45):
You know.

Speaker 4 (13:45):
Again, you do what you have to do, but you
internalize all those things, all those you know, wishing that
he was gone for his own sake. Still, when he
is no longer there, you're like, I can't believe I
wish he was gone. I feel terrible, feel terrible for
lying for him. I feel terrible for not being there
every second. But you know, you just do in those situations.

(14:05):
But that doesn't mean they don't catch up to you.

Speaker 2 (14:08):
For sure. I mean, the body keeps score.

Speaker 1 (14:10):
But lives can also be the truths in these particular
types of settings and moments, because they have to be
for our loved ones, and sometimes we have to do
them to ourselves. Like yesterday, I was talking to Julie
right before the episode. I was a P nine yesterday.
For those people that don't understand what a P nine is,
it is you are incapable of functioning and with my

(14:31):
personality type, sticking me in a bed and making me
lay there all day and not being able to do anything.
And I know, I've got seven hundred things to do
and I got to take care of all these people
and all these things, and we're in constructions, all the
little you knows name, all the stupid things, most of
which are first world problems, but nonetheless there's still first
world problems. I'm there and I'm laying there, and I'm like,
I had to cancel all of last week, which I
never cancel on anybody for the show.

Speaker 2 (14:52):
I cancel on everybody else.

Speaker 1 (14:54):
In my life, but when it comes to this damn show,
I don't cancel. And I had to cancel last week,
and I had to cancel yesterday, and I was like,
there's no fricking way I am canceling on Julia today.
And I'm so grateful for you coming into my space,
not only today but on our Meat and Green as well,
and further, but your resilience and what you've been through
and you haven't even touched on yet the next part

(15:14):
of it, which we're going to get into.

Speaker 2 (15:16):
I just I just want to give you some kudos
on that, all right. And also the fact that she
is sitting in front of her toaster oven right now.

Speaker 3 (15:23):
It's actually a confection oven.

Speaker 2 (15:26):
That's connection oven.

Speaker 1 (15:27):
And then also we've got popcorn makers, We've got coke machines.
We've also got a bunch of bottles of wine, which
I think you should have been drinking from day one,
having six free years.

Speaker 3 (15:37):
Assuming you're assuming I didn't don't.

Speaker 2 (15:40):
Make that's true. Those have just been sitting there as props.
The rest of the bottles are in your car.

Speaker 3 (15:45):
They're all empty. I just recapped them.

Speaker 2 (15:48):
The recyclment is full.

Speaker 3 (15:50):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (15:51):
Like when you know, I used to live below a
bar and when they would take the you know, the
bottles out. O.

Speaker 3 (15:55):
Wait.

Speaker 4 (15:56):
Sometimes when I take my bottles out, I'm like, I
hope people can't hear.

Speaker 1 (16:00):
I know, I feel the same way. Sometimes mine are
mostly just proseco because it's all I drink. But I
used to live above a bar too, and I used
to work at the bar as well, so I would
go up and down and up and down. It was
such a great life when you're in your early twenties.

Speaker 3 (16:13):
It really is.

Speaker 2 (16:14):
It is you forget much here in your forties, No
got her.

Speaker 1 (16:18):
Forties are challenging, all right, So what's next?

Speaker 2 (16:22):
So what's next going on here? Oh my gosh.

Speaker 3 (16:24):
Okay, So.

Speaker 4 (16:27):
You know, after compassing, we lived in a fantastic town
full of a very very involved people. Everyone knows because
we grew up in the same town. We married, you know,
moved back to the same town and it's frone of
those towns.

Speaker 3 (16:40):
It's still like that.

Speaker 4 (16:41):
You know, people marry people from high school and I
don't know what, there's something about it. It's just this space.
It's outside of Chicago. But the people are amazing. They
through fundraisers, tours, and everyone was highly involved. But you know,
the longer it went on, the more people just kind
of went back to their lives and you know, when
you can't sit and on's trauma, so that your faith

(17:01):
was done.

Speaker 2 (17:02):
Yeah, and that's why, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (17:05):
I mean it has to be.

Speaker 4 (17:06):
But you know, when he passed away, I think everyone
was like, Okay, I'm now is my time to grieve?
And I kind of was like, I've been grieving for
sixteen months. You know, I've watched every single part of
him slip away. So I felt like I just I
couldn't sit in it anymore. You know. We would go
to the grocery store and people would cry when they
sang me, or aga'd say hey, I'm Julie Barth, and

(17:28):
that look would come up with their face like oh,
you know, so sorry, and rightly so rightly so. But
I couldn't handle it anymore. I just I needed to move.
I need to get out of there, right or wrong.
Everyone wanted me, you know, slow down, take time to grieve,
and I emotionally was not at a place that I could,

(17:49):
even if I wanted to process it all and whatever
that means or grieve or whatever people think you should do,
that's not what I could be held into. So there
was a gentleman that started working at my house. He
was very young, he was very cute, and I had
missed my thirties, you know, like I spent five years
nursing Tatum, and you know, being a mom, the nursing Tatum,

(18:12):
the nursing I lost a decade of my life and
I just wanted to move forward. And Colin and I
always wanted this big family and I felt like the
clock was ticking and I wanted to have more children.
I wanted the dream that I felt somebody took from me.
That is the dream I wanted to have. So I
got together with someone who was much younger, didn't really
care much about me, didn't want me to talk about

(18:34):
my sadness, really didn't even care if I talked at
all if I want to be honest, And at the
time it was so free, you know, that was exactly
what I thought I needed at the time, and I thought, Oh,
he just doesn't want to push me, he doesn't want
to make me uncomfortable. I didn't see. What I saw
later on is that he really just didn't care. At
the time, it seemed like he was doing it for
my benefit, not his own. But so we ended up

(18:56):
getting together, and I thought it was a great idea
to just up all my children and move across the country,
have another child, leave everyone behind, and just put me
in the past. I no longer wanted to be Julie Bark.
I wanted to become this new person, and that's kind of.

Speaker 3 (19:13):
What we did.

Speaker 4 (19:13):
We just picked up left moved to a mountain, and
sadly had my first daughter and then Tatum, the special
needs daughter, who was fine for a bit, actually ended
up coming down with a rare form of cancer that
is completely unrelated to her start or anything she went through.
You know, it wasn't from radiation, it wasn't from surgeries

(19:36):
that she had had. There were thirty cases that year
of this type of cancer. It happens ninety nine percent
in geriatric patient senior citizens. And yeah, so Haatum, who's thirteen,
ends up getting this rare form of connective tissue cancer.
So it took a long time to figure out what
it was because they thought it was a blood clout

(19:57):
when they removed it, but they it led to an
other seven surgeries where they had to remove her torso
and then grafter legs. They had balloons in her legs
to you know, graft to her skin, and so that
was probably It went on for about eight or nine months,
just getting her to a place where, you know, and
I lost a lot of her because she was really healing.
But you know, you talk about resilience, here's this kid

(20:18):
who was born into the NIKU finally has all these surgeries,
traveled around the country, you know, and she's always entertaining
everybody else and had this positive spirit and just like
didn't care.

Speaker 3 (20:29):
I'm I'm making this work.

Speaker 4 (20:31):
And then when she got hit with cancer rightly, so
it was almost like, this is bullshit.

Speaker 1 (20:36):
I'm not holy, I'm not doing this. You got that, right, Tatum,
Total bullshit. You're like, give me a break, right now, bro?

Speaker 3 (20:46):
Like I was fine, but this is it, like I am.

Speaker 4 (20:50):
You know, So we lost a little bit of her
positivity and you know, I'm happy to say that she
has rebuilt a lot, but she still has obviously a
lot of anxiety.

Speaker 3 (20:59):
And you can't even blame her for it.

Speaker 4 (21:01):
You know, she's twenty four pounds, twenty four twenty four pounds.

Speaker 1 (21:05):
And that's twenty four years old. Twenty four pounds, guys,
and forty plus surgeries.

Speaker 3 (21:10):
Is that where we're at now I'm trying about, Yeah, yeah,
I have a believe you combine the too.

Speaker 1 (21:15):
I've been trying to, like, okay, carried nine carry the
one like it looks like it's about forty plus surgeries
for our conversation.

Speaker 2 (21:21):
That's insane.

Speaker 3 (21:23):
Yeah, yeah, it was.

Speaker 4 (21:24):
It was, and you know, the whole time, it was
really when I started to you know, I've always felt
the loss of Colin in my life. But during those months,
my second husband couldn't be bothered. I don't even think
he came to the hospital. He wasn't even around watch
the kids. And I'm you know, and I just sat
there thinking, what have I done? I've left my house,

(21:45):
left my friends, lost my family. And you know, it
wasn't one of those like I'll write, it was see
you later.

Speaker 3 (21:53):
I'm not writing I'm gone. I'm poof. I'd be gone.

Speaker 4 (21:57):
So yeah, it was. It was a difficult time. And
we were sitting up on a mountain. So you know,
remember that person I told you about that was like,
you know, what's a good time for It was good
time to have another child.

Speaker 3 (22:09):
I was going to solve it all by having another child.

Speaker 2 (22:12):
And think, this is where I lose you, Julie.

Speaker 3 (22:15):
No, don't don't leave me.

Speaker 2 (22:18):
I can't talk about the kids. I'm like James, uds
five enough.

Speaker 3 (22:24):
Five is never. It's actually six' eight is enough if
you want to be, honest are?

Speaker 2 (22:30):
Nuts AND i love you for.

Speaker 4 (22:31):
It somebody's gotta somebody's Gotta so we got pregnant WHERE
i got pregnant with our second, daughter and together and
at that POINT i had had enough of the isolation
of the, mountain and we ended.

Speaker 3 (22:49):
Up there was a lot going on in between all of.
That he started revealing who he.

Speaker 4 (22:55):
Was he was going back home and telling everyone THAT
i was mentally in, state and so you, know, here
the person that's supposed to be at your, side supporting
you was.

Speaker 3 (23:05):
The very person that was destroying. Me he would disappear on.

Speaker 4 (23:08):
ME i was up on this mountain with five, kids
one who's now going through cancer.

Speaker 3 (23:13):
Treatment my mom's not.

Speaker 4 (23:15):
THERE i lost my sister BECAUSE i left, her and you,
know back In, chicago all of my friends from grammar
school and they chose to believe what he was.

Speaker 3 (23:23):
Saying, so you, KNOW i guess that was that was.

Speaker 4 (23:26):
Hurtful BECAUSE i, thought you've known me my entire, life
and you're so willing to think That i've just gone
off the deep end and, unbroken you, know and believe
this person that you've known never for two. Minutes.

Speaker 3 (23:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (23:40):
Yeah and didn't like, him, like if we're going to be,
honest you, know everyone was, like he's a bad. Idea
but you, know the first people to, say, oh, well
maybe she is. Crazy so And i'm assuming that BECAUSE
i dropped. IT i didn't have the strength to do
this apology tour all the time and approved. Everyone you,
know it's like that guy in prison who Says i'm not,

(24:00):
Yeah i'm, innocent probably not, innocent but you, know that's
HOW i.

Speaker 3 (24:04):
Felt WHAT i was, Like i'm not. Crazy every one's, like,
sure you're, not sure you're. Not i'm sure.

Speaker 2 (24:11):
We're all a little. Crazy.

Speaker 1 (24:12):
JULIE i feel Like i'm that shit half of the.
Time AND i haven't dealt with any of.

Speaker 3 (24:17):
THAT i, Mean i've.

Speaker 1 (24:18):
Gone through my stuff, too and this is never a
comparison on the. Show there's SOMETHING i need to put
in here right now because one of the things THAT
i have in my life IS i have people are,
like oh my, god my back, hurts and then they're,
like oh, God i'm so.

Speaker 2 (24:27):
SORRY i don't mean to. Complain i'm, like please.

Speaker 1 (24:30):
Please tell me that you are also living in pain
and again seen the human experience with. Me it sucks
sometimes it, does but there's the good that we pushed
through to get to again because we've all of us
have experienced. It because if we, HADN'T i would have
given up a long time. Ago no, chance absolutely no.

Speaker 4 (24:49):
Chance, yeah and to your, point when people are, like,
OH i don't want to tell you my Bad you've
got enough going. On everybody stops telling you they're. Bad
and then you're, like oh my, God i'm the only
first thing going through bad time right now where nobody
wants to like come to, you and then they just
avoid you because they're, like, OH i don't know what
to say to. Her, GOSH i don't know what's gonna,
happen and my problems are, nothing and you know we have.

Speaker 3 (25:11):
NOTHING i feel Like i'm gonna say the wrong.

Speaker 1 (25:13):
Thing so not this off people From Julian. Lindee we
are telling you to knock it.

Speaker 4 (25:18):
Off we want to hear your, pain AND i want
to hear that you have a miserable.

Speaker 2 (25:23):
Life we do the worse the.

Speaker 4 (25:27):
Better call me, leads because you KNOW i usually am
that person that you, go, well at Least i'm Not.

Speaker 3 (25:33):
Julie i'll like it WHEN i can say, well at
Least i'm not lindsay no. OFFENSE i would like to do.

Speaker 1 (25:38):
PERFECT i would love you to say yesterday you would
definitely have not liked to be.

Speaker 2 (25:42):
Linzy you would have been, like, OH.

Speaker 1 (25:44):
I don't know, how and and to see from yesterday to,
today how quickly pain shifts in our bodies every, day
especially when you live with this rare pain.

Speaker 2 (25:54):
Condition it's like it's.

Speaker 1 (25:59):
You can't even your brain can't process how much pain you're.
In so you like make fun of. It at least
that's HOW i do. IT i make fun of.

Speaker 2 (26:06):
IT i get.

Speaker 1 (26:07):
DEPRAVED i you, KNOW i did an episode a couple
of weeks ago that dropped about suicidal, ideation because you
talk about wanting to kill yourself when you're in that
kind of, pain whether it's emotional, pain traumatic, pain physical,
pain all of it, together you think about. It and
if you if you are sitting here listening to this
episode and you've never actually thought about it in these

(26:29):
deep dark, PLACES i am so grateful that you've never
been to that. Place but there are a lot of
us that are here that have gone through these, thoughts
that have had these have these.

Speaker 2 (26:38):
Experiences does it.

Speaker 1 (26:39):
Mean that we're going to act on that ninety nine
percent of us AS? A, No i'm talking to the
one percent of us that we need to GO, whoa
there's ninety nine percent of us that are talking about
it and we're not doing. It but it's really scary
when you go in those dark and twisty places and
you think you're very alone in. It so it is
important for us to make sure That julie And lindsay
are not alone in the lone meanness that comes from.

Speaker 2 (27:00):
Pain and no matter how many children you.

Speaker 1 (27:05):
Have no matter how many dogs you, have no matter
how many convection ovens and popcorn makers you, have.

Speaker 2 (27:13):
She looks around in her, kitchen we still.

Speaker 1 (27:16):
Need that that validation that it's okay to feel like
shit every now and, again and sometimes it's every day
for a bit of a, time and we, just you,
know we got to give our pain.

Speaker 2 (27:26):
Purpose and so that's why you AND i are sitting.

Speaker 3 (27:27):
Here, yeah and you know, what let me be a
complete drama.

Speaker 4 (27:32):
Queen let me, say don't be shocked WHEN i, say
you know, what it would just be better IF i
was not here.

Speaker 3 (27:37):
Anymore that should not shock.

Speaker 4 (27:39):
You it should like you should, SAY i get, it
like BECAUSE i don't mean. IT i mean it in
that moment because it is so painful to be in
that moment that you, THINK i don't want TO i
don't want to. DIE i just don't want to be
here right, now LIKE i don't want to be experiencing
What i'm experiencing right. Now so when people stay stuff and,

(28:01):
hey you, KNOW i am not saying don't you know
if somebody says, that absolutely act on. It but for
somebody who are in those conditions all the, time, YES
i would love to not be. Here and for other
people that might shine shocking and desperate and and it
is and we that doesn't mean that you're not gonna

(28:22):
wake up the next day and be, Like, OKAY i
let it all.

Speaker 3 (28:25):
OUT i gave myself hitty. Party you.

Speaker 4 (28:28):
KNOW i enjoy the friends that will come over and
not say not try to pick me? Up how about?
You how about if you don't try and pick me up?
Today how about if you just come over and say
fuck your life? Sucks AND i get, it, seriously my
kid's okay to save my.

Speaker 1 (28:46):
Life so totally totally like this completely, blows LIKE i
do not want to be at least say.

Speaker 2 (28:51):
It don't be like one of the THINGS i hate.

Speaker 3 (28:54):
About everything's gonna be.

Speaker 2 (28:57):
Okay bite. ME i am so sick of, That, like
why don't you do?

Speaker 1 (29:01):
This i'm giving you guys a homework assignment for me
and my. BODY i don't know research how to help C.
RPS i get very little from anybody in my life
that are trying to research and. Help so if you're
sitting here and you're complaining about the fact THAT i
live in pain and you're not doing anything to help
me except hope you're feeling better, today kind of like bite,

(29:25):
me or how about?

Speaker 3 (29:27):
This something about? This if you need, anything let me.

Speaker 2 (29:29):
Know, oh that's one of my.

Speaker 1 (29:31):
FAVORITES i got seventy two appointments that you need to
make for me and then go to and explain my
situation on behalf of me and let me know how
that works out for.

Speaker 4 (29:42):
You, yeah and it's not THAT i don't appreciate, YOU i. Know, No,
oh don't ever Bring first of, all can we talk about.
Soup it's either got to be a liquid or. SOLID
i don't need. BOTH i cannot figure out which ONE i, want.

Speaker 1 (29:56):
And it better not be acho because gaspacho is, cold
which means it's not. Soup, now this is not turning
into a food, Show. Julie Let's i'm taking us on
a tange THIS i pull on this. Backache but it
was a good though we needed.

Speaker 4 (30:11):
It, yes, yes, well AND i do think that that's
one Of my biggest things to people is, like it's
okay to tell.

Speaker 3 (30:18):
Me your in, fact call and bitch to. Me that
is your assignment.

Speaker 4 (30:22):
Tomorrow call talk my ear off and tell me how
horrible your life. Is because WHEN i know, THAT i
can make you feel better AND i want to be
that friend to, you and it.

Speaker 3 (30:33):
Makes me feel better Because i'm useful in the. World
i'm still.

Speaker 4 (30:36):
Useful and, Yeah so for people out there SAYING i
don't want to call, her she's good enough on a.

Speaker 3 (30:42):
Plate if you don't, call it's. Worse. Okay so that
was my. Soapbox thank?

Speaker 1 (30:46):
You All, Right so we've got we're we're stuck with the, gross,
disgusting horrible man that you. Chose disgusting and, horrible, right
and we are now done with? Him can we talk
about how we got rid of them once and for
and move on from this?

Speaker 2 (31:01):
Mofo so, YEAH i MEAN i.

Speaker 4 (31:05):
Kept trying to fix, it fix it as anyone, will
and it was shameful AND i. DID i started, saying
oh my, GOSH i am, crazy LIKE i was, CHASING
i was. CRYING i would say get out one minute
and the next MINUTE i was, like don't. Leave so,
YES i turned into SOMEBODY i don't. RECOGNIZE i don't
know who that, is and you, KNOW i would just

(31:28):
sit and cry and cry and cry and. Cry and you,
know the friends in my life are probably the ones
that stuck around were probably like you, know and they
said to, me, like you, know you can't tell someone
when they're in that. Situation you, know if someone had
said to me he was, HORRIBLE i would have been,
like that's my. Husband so of, course you, know you
have to approach it with a very fine. Balance BUT i.

(31:49):
DID i ended up isolating, myself doing a whole lot
of crazy, stuff like a whole lot of crazy, shit
and wondering AM i in saying that was probably one
of the biggest. Questions so when he left me the first, time,
yes there are many, LADIES i begged. HIM i didn't
beg him back the first time that he truly walked,
AWAY i, Said, Okay i'm getting my life.

Speaker 3 (32:09):
Together that's.

Speaker 4 (32:10):
It and within six, months WHERE i obviously was nowhere
Near Europain, lindsay BUT i was diagnosed with fibrom. Mayalsia
my relationship with him was so bad THAT i WHERE
i used to run ten miles a, DAY i couldn't
run to the. MAILBOX i couldn't. Breathe my spine was.
TWISTING i needed. MASSAGE i tried. ACUPUNCTURE i couldn't get

(32:30):
out of. Bed and there was no cause for, IT i,
mean no physical cause for. IT i went from doctor
to doctor to, doctor what's going, on and of course
they were, like, oh it's the trauma from your first,
husband you, know knowing not or recognizing that my second
husband was really the, trauma and SO i started taking must.

Speaker 3 (32:48):
Relaxes. Well then he consulted a.

Speaker 4 (32:52):
LAWYER i guess during that first time that we split,
up and after six MONTHS i was back to. RUNNING i,
was you, know having that little light that was put
out by him was starting to ignite, again AND i
was feeling. Myself all the crazy was, gone my head was.
Clear and he came back and, said all, right, well
if you want to keep begging me, BACK i Guess

(33:14):
i'll come. Back and was so, miserable which is the
reason THAT i got with him for the first, place
BECAUSE i THOUGHT i could save.

Speaker 3 (33:20):
Him THAT i felt guilty AND i let.

Speaker 4 (33:23):
Him come, back not knowing that the reason he came
back was because he WHICH i found it later consulted a,
lawyer WHICH i didn't find out UNTIL i tried to
consult the first the same lay and he, said, oh
your husband came to me two years ago or one year,
ago WHICH i didn't. Help behind my, back he had
consulted an attorney who told him that he was not
going to get anything because he was not a good.

(33:45):
Person so he came back and he started a campaign
where he started videotaping. Me he would push my buttons
and then record EVERYTHING i. Did he was sending my
text messages out to all of his, friends and you,
know making notes of all the muscle relaxed AS i was.
Taking so he was doing all that and my, son

(34:06):
who all of my children are very.

Speaker 3 (34:08):
Upset he was very abusive to.

Speaker 4 (34:09):
All my, children not, his but he wasn't great to them,
either IF i want to be, honest BUT i have
a son in particular who is the third one down
who to this DAY i have to give him thanks every.
Day he finally sat me down and he, Said, MOM
i don't understand why you keep letting him. Back he
has threatened to kill. You he has threatened to kill.
Me i've lost my. CHILDHOOD i have slept with a

(34:32):
weapon of sorts underneath my. BED i don't come out
of my, room AND i don't understand why you keep
choosing him over. Us and that very, MOMENT i recognize
that IF i couldn't love myself or get the courage
up to protect, myself THEN i need to get out
of it for my. Kids and that was the, end
the beginning of the, end WHEN i walked.

Speaker 2 (34:54):
Away. Good, Well i'm glad that they're out of.

Speaker 1 (34:56):
Here so as you've gone through all of the and
you're sitting on because you've aged us early on this
episode talking ABOUT aol and dial, up so thank you
very much for.

Speaker 2 (35:07):
That, yeah we're also going to bring in The BlackBerry
to the.

Speaker 1 (35:09):
Conversation you've got these three beautiful, books, right and they've,
come they've gone through all of these. Stages notes from A,
BlackBerry From blackberries To, thorns From thorns To, blossoms WHICH i.
Love that cadence of that of your titles is really,
beautiful and i'd like to touch on that a little
bit before we hit the dusty show, here BECAUSE i
know we're hitting on. Time So notes from A, BlackBerry

(35:32):
how did this all? Begin and now here we are we're? Blossoming,
yeah so. Well ACTUALLY i read it fifteen years.

Speaker 3 (35:38):
Ago So colleen was very.

Speaker 4 (35:40):
Sick he would go down to chemo On tuesdays AND
i was, LIKE i, mean this is. Great it's gonna
be it because we had four kids running Around, tatum you.
KNOW i was, like it's going to be our time to.
Reconnect and you, know obviously we got down there and
he was so sick that he would they start chemo
AND i would sit there for an hour and a
half and IF i, moved he would get very very
upset with. Me SO i would sit AND i sort
OF i would type it on My BlackBerry AND i

(36:03):
emailed it back to myself and THEN i pieced it.
Together but, yes that is where our note Snow BlackBerry came.
From and it is very raw and it was written real.
Time it's not a fantastically happy. Upliftings WELL i hope it's.
Uplifting i'm going to cut back on, that but it.
Is it is a testament. TALENT i never meant to release,

(36:24):
it but after reading, IT i. WASN'T i didn't read
it for ten. YEARS i couldn't unpack, it and my
second husband told ME i was too stupid to write
anything SO i kind of believed, him.

Speaker 2 (36:33):
But, well we don't love very, last so don't worry about.

Speaker 3 (36:34):
Him we don't.

Speaker 4 (36:35):
Know, yeah, YEAH aftery left AND i pieced it, together
AND i, thought you know what the world, needs BECAUSE
i had always said To, colin like something good needs
to come out of all of your, suffering BECAUSE i
cannot imagine suffering like that in. Anyone And i've forgotten
a lot of, It i'm sure because you don't want to.
Remember but read the. Book my Daughter, tatum who is,

(36:55):
twenty the Special news, daughter she is an, artist AND
i looked at her art AND i was, like oh my,
gosh that's. Fantastic it's, self it's self taught. Everything SO
i created a website for. HER i Got i'm released
in the book to you, know Tell, colins tell Of colin's,
courage and Then tatum's art and the art goes to

(37:16):
fund WHAT i opened, up which Is Colin James Barth Outreach,
program and it is formed to help women who are
in different crisis. Situations and that's to help the twenty,
julies either the special needs parent who couldn't get you,
know the necessary medicines BECAUSE i didn't have money or
the caregiver in me who had for small children and

(37:37):
a husband who has, cancer or the abused woman who
couldn't afford a, lawyer and you, know so that's what
we come. In and if you are in, crisis our
job is to be kind of like a concier. Service
so we take it. Apart we tell you this is
what you're eligible. For call, here so we take out

(37:57):
the you, know when crisis, hits you don't even know
what to, do so we give you the.

Speaker 3 (38:02):
Steps we have.

Speaker 4 (38:03):
Databases you need an education, okay to switch you alge
before you need housing. Okay because there are so many
services out, there like so many services that finding, Them,
oh it's like a needle in the. Haystack and we
always go straight to the government and don't get me
wrong or don't get me started or. Wrong you, know
the government programs are are, there but you have to lose, everything,

(38:26):
yes to get. Anything so our charity was founded on
the belief that we should keep you where you are
and help you, sore rather than you have to take
a vow of poverty and now we'll help.

Speaker 3 (38:37):
You so that was it in, Nutshell.

Speaker 1 (38:39):
And what's so neat Is i'm glad that you brought
Up tatum's art BECAUSE i was going to talk about
it because she's got a couple of different websites that
are out. There obviously she's trying to help all of
these people women in crisis for, sure and you talking
about the government and you have to lose it all
until you get. Help makes me really, sad just like
my heart breaks even herrying that. Statement but it is totally.
TRUE i remember being in crisis in domestic violence and

(39:01):
WHAT i had to do to get, out and there
was no frickin WAY i was getting any help from,
anybody even like my, parents because nobody really truly believed
what was going. On and it was, Like, okay WELL
i did not break the, staircase.

Speaker 3 (39:15):
Yeah or how about this?

Speaker 2 (39:16):
One my face?

Speaker 1 (39:17):
Did BUT i, didn't, Like i'm not dreaming up this
kind of, crap you, Know like what WOULD i have
a reason to dream it? UP i, Mean i'm sure
there are people that are out there that have skewed this,
version but in a very very small percentage of, PEOPLE
i think that would be manipulating in something like. This but,
nonetheless she has been doing so much, Work so if

(39:37):
you want to reach out in any, way shape or
form to Help Julie barthauthor dot com is her. Website
we're obviously we're gonna put all this in show outs
in social, media of. Course and then there's in regards
To tatum's, art It's hope the number Four tate tayt
dot com and that's where her art. Is you can,
see and it's, beautiful and it's the covers of her.
Books it's just it's it's such a beautiful thing that she's.

(40:00):
Done and then to help and to support the column
outreach as, well it's c jb as In Badass outreach dot.

Speaker 2 (40:09):
Org and then she's all.

Speaker 1 (40:10):
Over socialism well On facebook And instagram On Julie barth
and you can find it because everybody's adding underscores and
hyphens and all this whatever drives me.

Speaker 2 (40:17):
Nuts but we will have all the.

Speaker 1 (40:19):
Things posted for you, guys so you guys can take
a peek at, her take a look at, her support,
her her, family and keep in mind the messages that
we've talked about, today especially With, julie Like, amy tell
us about your, pain talk to. Us if you keep it,
in it's going to make you more. Sick it's going
to make you more. Ill it's going to cause more
chronic pain. Issues that's why we're having these. Conversations and

(40:40):
it's horrible that we're having, them but it's better that
we're having them.

Speaker 3 (40:43):
Now. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (40:44):
Yeah and the one thing THAT i do want to
touch on, too is LIKE i know that a lot
of people stay in bad, situations including, me BECAUSE i
would wake up in the middle of the night, thinking
oh my, God i'm going to lose it. All i'm
going to lose everything IF i leave. Him i'm going
people aren't going to believe. Me i'm going to lose my.
Friends i'm going to Lose and you know WHAT i.
DID i, Lost but WHAT i lost was what was

(41:06):
keeping me stuff to begin, with BECAUSE i never really
had those. Friends if they couldn't listen to me and
they didn't want to, know they weren't my friends all
the things THAT i THOUGHT i, needed you, know whether
it was the, car the, House i'd rather live in
a trailer than ever be treated like that. Again and
in the, end my very very very very worst day
today And i've had some pretty dark, days are ten

(41:26):
times better than my very best day for an entire.
Decade being treated horribly and it's just it is not worth,
it even if you have to lose. It all those
things that you think you need are you don't, need
and you have to get me on it to see.

Speaker 3 (41:41):
It.

Speaker 4 (41:42):
Unfortunately but don't live in fear of the unknown and
stay in something because the devil you know is still the.

Speaker 1 (41:49):
Devil, WELL i was going to ask you what you
want to leave of our listeners with before we hit
the dusty, trail but you just did, it so thank
you and well.

Speaker 3 (41:56):
DONE i thought i'd save you THAT i.

Speaker 2 (41:59):
Did good you, day good thank, you and FROM. P
nine yesterday today for A. P seven, TODAY i did.

Speaker 1 (42:06):
It And i'm so glad that you were here today with.
Me this has been amazing and it's such a good
conversation with.

Speaker 3 (42:11):
You.

Speaker 2 (42:11):
Again i'm so glad that you're in my. Life i'm so.

Speaker 1 (42:13):
Grateful thank you so, Much julie for being here with,
us for, yourself for your, children for the rest of your,
life and for my audience as. Well because if you
didn't get touched by this by this, episode then you
can just stop, Listening.

Speaker 3 (42:27):
Okay continue to subscribe and just al. Us there we.

Speaker 1 (42:34):
Go like every episode, review it be, positive, yes all, right,
WELL i love you to, death my. Girl thank you
for being here with me.

Speaker 2 (42:43):
Today and you've got a forever friend and, me that's for.

Speaker 3 (42:46):
Sure you sue you.

Speaker 1 (42:47):
Too so before we jam out, here, GUYS i have
a new bite sized extension of The Pain game podcast
called Pain.

Speaker 2 (42:53):
Bites what cracked you open this? Week what stitched you back?
Together because we always have to stitch ourselves back, together
no matter what this might look.

Speaker 1 (43:00):
Like what moment made you? Unravel what kept you? FIGHTING
i want to hear. IT i want to hear from.
You so there's a spot on Instad just go to my,
bio click on, it and there's a little place in
there that you can submit your pain.

Speaker 2 (43:11):
Byte just quick and.

Speaker 1 (43:12):
Dirty you don't get stressed out over. It just record
a quick little voice note of something that you would
like to share on my, show and Then i'm going
to highlight you on. It let me speak it out
loud for, you one, raw honest pain bite at a.
Time you are exclusively invited to share This thorns To
BLOSSOMS vip pain Journey. Together let's get to the heart

(43:33):
of how to heel with you by my.

Speaker 2 (43:35):
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Speaker 1 (43:36):
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