November 4, 2025 • 43 mins
Meet Dr. Susan Korb Bernstein—@divorce_coach_plus
A powerhouse in the divorce space. She’s a certified divorce coach, certified high-conflict divorce coach, and founder of Divorce Coach Plus and DivorceWithSpecialNeedsChildren.com.
With a doctorate in Education, years as a teacher, administrator, and professor, plus over a decade coaching clients, she brings unmatched expertise to custody battles, parenting plans, and especially divorces involving children with special needs.
Susan is also:
In this episode, we talk about:
Don’t miss this one—Susan’s insight is gold.
Follow Dr. Bernstein:
www.instagram.com/divorce coach__plus/
www.facebook.com/SusanKBernsteincdc
www.linkedin.com/in/dr-susan-bernstein-new-york-s-premier-divorce-coach-5aa32510/ www.divorcecoachplus.com
www.divorcewithspecialneedschildren.com
A powerhouse in the divorce space. She’s a certified divorce coach, certified high-conflict divorce coach, and founder of Divorce Coach Plus and DivorceWithSpecialNeedsChildren.com.
With a doctorate in Education, years as a teacher, administrator, and professor, plus over a decade coaching clients, she brings unmatched expertise to custody battles, parenting plans, and especially divorces involving children with special needs.
Susan is also:
- A full time single mom of three
- The coach other coaches and attorneys hire
- An instructor for multiple divorce certification programs
- Director of the NY chapter of the NADP & co-director of its special needs division
- On the advisory boards for Vesta Divorce, Divorce Coalition & Divorce Support Network
In this episode, we talk about:
- Why divorce with a special needs child is especially complex
- The biggest mistakes parents make in custody/parenting plans
- How parent apps can shift co-parenting
- Pre- and post-divorce steps that make a difference
Don’t miss this one—Susan’s insight is gold.
Follow Dr. Bernstein:
www.instagram.com/divorce coach__plus/
www.facebook.com/SusanKBernsteincdc
www.linkedin.com/in/dr-susan-bernstein-new-york-s-premier-divorce-coach-5aa32510/ www.divorcecoachplus.com
www.divorcewithspecialneedschildren.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Rewrite, a podcast about divorce, choice and
new beginnings. I'm your host Wendy Sloan, former TV producer,
mom of two and one sweet golden retriever. This is
a space for real talk about the moments that break us,
the choices that define us, and the power we have
to begin again. You'll hear personal stories, heartfelt insights, and
(00:22):
honest conversations about healing relationships and reclaiming your life one
choice at a time. I'll be joined by experts in divorce, finance,
mental health, wellness and more and everything you need to
support your next chapter. The most powerful chapters might be
the ones you write next. Let's begin your rewrite together.
This episode is brought to in part by the Needle
(00:44):
Kuda Law Firm guidance that moves lives forward. Welcome to
the Rewrite. I'm your host Wendy Sloan and my guest today,
the owner of Divorce Plus. She has ten years of
experience as a certified divorce coach and certified High Conflict
Divorce Coach. She's a full time single mom and wrote
a chapter in an international bestseller book called Soul Parent.
She runs divorce with special needs children. Dot com, website,
(01:07):
and Facebook. She is known as the coach that other
coaches and attorneys hire to get them through their own
complex divorces, as well as multi millionaires, billionaires and celebrities
and so much more. There. I could have gone on
to so many more things, but we'll.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Start with that.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Welcome to my show, Doctor Susan Bernstein, because your everything.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Thank you so much for having me, Wendy, I really
appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Oh, I'm so happy to have you here. There was
so so okay. You earned your bachelor's, master's, doctoral and
education leadership child development. You were a school teacher, administrator,
college professor before entering the divorce professional world. As I
mentioned earlier, you're a full time single mom. Tell us
(01:52):
how you enter tell us all about that, how you
entered the divorce world and your personal story. I know
that's a lot, and then we'll into everything.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Absolutely. Thank you, well, hopefully it's an inspiring story too many.
I was an educator for almost twenty years and really
loved what I did. Mom of three, my oldest child
special needs, and so when I went through my own divorce,
(02:22):
which was high conflict, and I defined high conflict as
custody battles, hidden money, domestic abuse, plus the intersection of
divorce with a special needs child. I said, why me?
I just wanted to hide under the covers. But I
had an epiphany and for my children's sake, I couldn't
hide under the covers. Maybe it was a calling. Maybe
I was meant to help others. So I switched from
(02:44):
educational consultant to divorce consultant, and less than a couple
of years in I heard about the certified Divorce Coaching program.
I now teach for two of the national international programs
and have six divorce coaching certificates. And my career is
my passion, all day, every day for the last decade,
helping individuals get unstuck and get to that next chapter
(03:08):
of bliss that they want and deserve.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Oh my god, And you are passionate about it, because
I read that you work weekends, days, nights, all the time,
all the time for your clients.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
I really try to be that lifeline so that people
know they're not alone. I have a policy where anyone
can text me for five minutes. It's free. It's not
like an attorney who ups that five minute text or email.
If they even the attorney even gives their clients their
cell number to ten or fifteen or twenty minutes, so
(03:40):
it's always a five minute text twenty four to seven.
I turn off my phone when I sleep so they'll
never wake me. But if I'm off at eleven at
night or five in the morning, I will text them back,
and if not, I text them as soon as I can.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Wow. Well, that's that's something. Having gone through my own divorce,
I understand and the need to have some and tell
us what, Let's get into a little bit of your
personal story first and then let's get in we'll get
into the rest of it.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
So I were you married, I know you have three
children when with special needs.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Yes. So I met my ex when we were teenagers
at Penn State and I was from Maryland and he
was from New York and he, you know, like many
New Yorkers.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Happy right there. So my son went to Maryland, my
daughter went to Penn State. I love it.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
My daughter. My daughter's actually at University of Maryland now,
which is where my parents live still. And so that's
my that's my stomping grounds. Excellent schools, yeah, wonderful school Yeah. So,
as most New Yorkers, he said, if you're going to
be with me, come come to New York. So we
in our twenties spent time with our education for our careers.
(04:55):
I earned my master's, my doctor, and I, you know,
helped put him through metal full school and residency, and
you know, thought we had this beautiful life ahead. But
once children came, I saw a different colors coming out,
someone who just wanted all the attention to them, and
(05:16):
from their return to very high conflict. And I found
myself certainly in a bind and in a situation that
I really I didn't want to be in, and I
didn't see fixable. And when you can't fix a relationship,
your other option is to stay with it or get
out as smoothly as possible. So that's what I tried
to do. I found the most amazing divorce attorney. Back then,
(05:40):
I didn't know about certified divorce coaches. I would have
loved to have the team approach. Certainly, my legal fees
would have been much much less. It was truly a
multimillion dollar divorce, just a million dollar divorce on my
side of the bill. Trying to get out of this
what became a very toxic relationship and trying to protect
(06:04):
my children so that you know, they could live the
life I envisioned, that envision for them to have and
be safe.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Right. Wow, So how did you go about getting out
and how did you go about protecting the children?
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Absolutely well, in both those things, it takes a team,
It takes a village. So you know, when you know
you're in a high conflict divorce and you can't mediate,
and I always say, mediation is wonderful if there's not
a power struggle and a safety issue, And mediation is
also wonderful if someone discloses finances. But when someone has
(06:43):
their own business, then it's a cash business and you
know there's hidden finances you have but no choice to litigate.
So it took me more than two years to have
the courage to even interview different divorce attorneys and see
what the options are. And as you mentioned, I'm a woman,
I have my doctorate, but I didn't know how unhealthy
(07:05):
the relationship was that I was in. I didn't know
that there was abuse in every way. I didn't know
that I was married to a nursissist. And so getting
myself therapy, getting my children therapists, and getting professionals on
board with helping us realize the situation we were in
(07:26):
and how to navigate that through the legal system, because
it wasn't so easy as an amicable divorce where you
can just sit at a table, divide up everything and
walk away right right.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
And it's smart And I like that you said that
you're a smart person, But as smart as you are,
this is not an easy system.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Absolutely it is. You know, people think there will be
justice in the court system, which is certainly not always
the case. People also think that a judge or professional
will instantly see who you're dealing with. But often that
person who's unsable knows how to put on a mask
(08:08):
and and and not show their true colors. And I
you know, I talk about radical acceptance to my clients,
but I also on a daily basis to myself, what
is realistic? Right?
Speaker 1 (08:22):
How?
Speaker 2 (08:23):
What what is the realistic options for you? You want
to know your ideal situation, you want to know your
bottom line, and how do you navigate in between. And
certainly when you're in a crisis situation because of high conflict,
it's hard to gain clarity, it's hard to think clearly
because you're constantly under this immense stress and trauma. And pressure,
(08:46):
and so having the therapist, having the attorneys who can
help you navigate that, having coaches that are certified can
truly make all the difference.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
Absolutely, So how did you protect yourself, your heart, your surroundings,
your daily life, and your children when you were starting
to go through this processing my conflict and that was
toxic and that it was intense.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Lots of strategy, lots of documentation, lots of planning before
even the word divorce was mentioned. So financially gaining as
much information as I could possibly gain. Like I mentioned,
there were many cast cash businesses and my ex's father
(09:37):
was his was our accountant, so things weren't even coming
to our mail. We didn't have a file, a file conant.
We back then there wasn't online banking, and so how
do you even gather data? Talking to forensic accountants, business valuators,
talking to certified divorce financial analysts. What do I need?
What could help? How can we work backwards? How can
(09:59):
you trace money? And then related to the children talking
to their pediatrician, talking to their therapists, talking to their teachers,
setting up a support community for them, helping them understand
their truths so they're not gaslighted. They're not manipulated and
they're not thinking that any of this is their fault
(10:21):
whether and really giving them the reassurance, the confidence that
things will be okay.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Right, So big piece of advice I took away from that.
Don't before you even mention the word, the divorce word,
the d word. Do your research, do your planning, do
gather your information, find out as much as you can
before you even mention that.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Absolutely as much as you can, whether it is the
financial documents, whether it is taking pictures or videos of
expensive items, of sentimental items, whether it's getting a safety
deposit box for your jewelry, for your passports, for birth certificates,
anything that someone could remove or destroy that is, you know,
(11:11):
either expensive or sentimental to.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
You, really really super good advice. Okay, So let's talk
about how you help your clients pre divorced, post divorce
and the and then we'll get into the benefits of
having someone like you, a divorce certified coach, a divorce
high a certified high conflict divorce coach. How do you
how do you throw your clients and how do they
(11:35):
know and and what's your advice for them to alongside
of their attorney have someone like.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
You too, absolutely well, you know it's a loaded question,
and I'll try to answer as much of it as possible.
But ideally someone finds a certified divorce coach at the
very beginning, right, it's so much easier to do things
right instead of swimming upstream and back and trying to
(12:00):
fix any mistakes that happen during pre divorce or even
during divorce. I feel awful when people find me post
divorce and they've already signed their agreement and now we're
trying to renavigate. How to you know, either enforce it
or modify it or add details to make it easier
for them. So, you know, the ideal thing is someone
(12:22):
finds a certified divorce coach or a certified high conflict
divorce coach at the very beginning of the process. Half
my clients are men, half of them are women, and
really helping them should I or shouldn't I get divorced?
And if I do get divorced, should I mediate? Should
I litigate? What should I What do I want related
to finances? What's realistic?
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Right?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
And so helping them with the questions so that they
go into the legal professionals and financial professionals prepared, helping
them with the mindset so that they're not triggered by
their ex and what the reality will be likely if
they mediate, ear litigate right, but getting them as close
(13:05):
to that ideal option as possible. So really helping them
as much or as little as they want. What I
do is everyone gets a free thirty minute call. After
that it's totally optional, and I sell hour long packages.
In twenty twenty five, I sell packages of two, five
(13:26):
or twelve. I have what's called forever pricing. So for example,
earlier today, before this, I had someone who has a
two year old For the next twenty years, they can
rebuy two, five or twelve hours at that price. They're
locked into forever. People back from twenty seventeen are paying
the twenty seventeen price. Some people see me twice a week,
(13:47):
some twice a month, some choice the season, some twice
a year. As it gets to become post divorced, it
ebbs and flows. So really having that opportunity to help
them be problem solvers and help them navigate any of
the third parties, their children, their ex, the divorce professionals
as much or as little as they need.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Wow, I'm sure from your experience having gone through this,
you know that that is so huge because the amount
of money that's spent with therapists and mediators and divorce
attorneys and everything else. You know, being having a certified
divorce coach is so helpful and it's a lot less expensive.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Absolutely, And half my clients tell their attorney they have
a coach, and half don't. It's up to them. Some
want to see see me on every email, Some want
to have me on Zoom if they're within the New
York tri state areas. Some of them want to be local.
But I do service all fifty states, and right now
I have clients in up to eighteen different countries. So
(14:54):
it's really dealing with the emotional aspect because whether you
initiate it or your blind side with it, it's emotional
because it's a change. And ideally we take the scary
aspect of the change and turn it into an opportunity.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
We're going to take a quick break for one of
our sponsors. Will we write back with doctor Susan Burnstein.
I'm going to ask her, do the attorneys like that
you're involved? How does that work? And I'm going to
ask her so much more. We'll be right back. Owner
of Divorce Plus, Certified Divorce Coach and certified High Conflict
Divorce Coach, will be right back. Most co parents want
the same thing, to know that their kids are safe
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(15:32):
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financial stability. We're back with doctor Susan Bernstein. So do
do attorney's mind that someone has a certified divorce coach.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
So I have to say, every attorney that I have
interact good with is happy to have me, and that
is not always the case. And that's why we use
the word certified because there are people out there who
are coaches who are not certified, and they walk the
legal line. They give legal advice when they should not
(17:16):
be giving legal advice, and so they sadly give coaching
a bad name because they are putting on an attorney
hat when they shunk. So, certified divorce coaches are trained
to give their clients a list of legal questions to
go in and ask their attorney those legal questions. So
they're organized, they're prepared, they're saving time and money because
(17:40):
they know exactly the attorneys went to law school for
a reason, right, so let's use the attorneys for the
legal information. I often talk to my clients about do
the thinking work with me. They are like the football coach.
The attorney is like the football quarterback, and Hernie executes
(18:01):
it legally, and they're asking them to execute something legally
that is realistic. They're not saying I want to keep
the homes the kids one hundred percent of the time
in the tension, right, that's not radical acceptance. So helping
them do the thinking work in the session and showing
them you can take path A, B or C. Here
(18:22):
are the obstacles in the way, and here's how we'll
overcome it, making them not feel there's no options or
only one option, and really walking down which path they
want that's best for them. And if they have children, I'm.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Sure your background education teaching, administration and higher ED gives
you a unique perspective and divorce cases as well, plus
having gone through your own high conflict divorce.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
It really does. Certainly, putting children first is my top priority. Right,
These children don't really have a say. They can't not
be with a parent if there's no abuse to neglect,
and so trying to look at it, Okay, what is
best for the children. Yes, a holiday schedule of splitting
(19:08):
Thanksgiving where mom has them from two to six and
dad has them from six on on Thanksgiving is great
for the parents, but is that great for the child?
And looking at individual children, for example special needs children,
structure is important. It's very hard to have them playing
with their cousins and in the middle of Thanksgiving at
(19:30):
six o'clock they now, you're going to the other house.
So what might be best for the parents to have
some time on Thanksgiving with their child might not be
best for the children. And saying you know what, let's
give them every other year, or let's have you celebrate
Thanksgiving on Thursday and all have my family and friends
on Friday and we'll do a Thanksgiving feast on Friday. Right,
(19:52):
So really trying to put the children first, and what
is age and developmentally appropriate. Often people have children who
are spread apart at different agents. What you tell a
four year old is certainly different than what you tell
a fourteen year old.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
One hundred percent. I agree with you, and I know
you said that with special needs it's structure is so
important for kids. I think its structure is so important period.
What is different about getting with special getting a divorce
with special with a special needs child, as you know,
and tell us about that, and also tell us about
I know you run Divorce with Special Needs Children dot Com.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Yes, So what I can say is several things about that.
Everyone has heard that half the country gets divorced, which
is pretty much a true fact based on the research
you're in and you're out around fifty percent. But the
research also shows that eighty percent of people who have
a special needs child will divorce before that child's twenty one,
(20:53):
So with a much higher likely chance that you'll get divorced,
not that it's that child's fault, but the additional stress
added to the marriage that really creates that divorce. And
so what happens is obviously there's a range of special needs, right,
there's a whole spectrum, but many special needs children will
(21:14):
not be independent upon emancipation age. Depending on your state
or jurisdiction, it could be age eighteen or twenty one.
And so ideally, as parents, we give our children roots.
We give our children wings and they're off at eighteen
or twenty one, and we turn from the parenting role
to the consulting role and happily watch them as they
(21:35):
have a successful life. When you don't have an independent
child and they're dependent on you and they're a young adult,
or they're just an adult child, they could be thirty
six years old and still needing your financial help and
your physical help. Some states, like Texas, anyone who has
a special needs child in Texas, it's a blessing that state.
(21:58):
The moneymaker pays child support to the non moneymaker for
that entire adult child's life. It is lifetime child support
if they have a documented special needs shop. New York
raised it up to age twenty six, and some other
states are following suit. But I have many people calling
(22:18):
from states who find me on the Divorce with special
Needs Children dot com website or Facebook page and they say,
I have a twenty seven year old they're not working.
I don't my ex is a multimillionaire, they're not paying
a penny.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
What do we do?
Speaker 2 (22:33):
And so trying during the divorce to get in language
for what happens once they're past emancipation. Age or this
age that the state says the parent is obligated is
not obligated anymore to lock in finances. Talking about guardianship
and decision making, right, just because someone has a legal custody,
(22:55):
decision making and a divorce doesn't mean that we'll transfer
in guardian ship yep. But certainly you can put words
in the divorce papers that you can bring when you
apply for guardianship on who will then take over that
decision making for medical for finance, who will help the
child related to social security benefits, related to medicaid? How
(23:18):
will they navigate that? So first and third party trust
able accounts, you know what you can do. And related
to siblings because that child will probably stay, you know,
dependent on someone after that parent passes away, So what
is the siblings' role and really bringing in trust and
(23:41):
estate attorneys as well. So when you talk about a
team approach, the I actually with one of my colleagues
who we created certified divorce coaches who have a specialty
in special needs. Right, so there are is there's actually
that niche out there and those coaches can help help
them with the emotional part and prepare them for the
(24:03):
additional legal and financial part as well.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
Amazing and God bless Texas.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Yes, I know, I wish every state had it because
it really it really becomes extremely hard, especially if a
child is used to a certain lifestyle and then they're
cut off and you know, the money, the parent has
the money and they're not doing it, and there's nothing
(24:29):
that even attorneys or judges can enforce if the law
is not in place. So we're lucky that. I do
think it's a trend up and coming, and I do
think attorneys are bringing things up more in paperwork. So
if your state doesn't have it, but your divorce decrease
says currently the child is fourteen, our goal is that
(24:50):
they will be dependent and have a vocational and live
live on their owner in a group Homer setting where
they can be somewhat independent. But if not, then here's
what each parent will commit to doing. And if you
have that in your divorce to create that's enforceable to uphold.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
I love that so much. I hope all the states
start to follow that your experience, What are the biggest
mistakes parents making custody for parenting plans when a child
with a child with special needs is that it.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Is that like I you know, I think one thing
that I do see is that they don't look at
the siblings of special needs children and they just say, Okay,
let's just focus on the special needs child. You also
need to focus on the siblings, and that might be
(25:39):
a very individualized parenting plan where sometimes that sibling has
mom alone or dad alone, or if it's the same
sex marriage, has parent one or parent too alone. Right,
they maybe not should always travel together. It might be hey,
the parent doesn't have as much free time, but they
have quality time with the non special needs siblings. So
(26:00):
I would say one of the biggest mistakes is that
the other thing is historically, because special needs children need
extra therapies, extra tutoring, extra medications, extra help, historically one
parent is more than stay at home parent or a
part time worker, and the other parent works a full
(26:20):
time job and maybe a job in half to compensate,
instead of homes where you have two working families. So
all of a sudden in divorce, the one who was
always working now has to figure out how do I
play a caregiver role on the nights that my child's
with may and the one who stayed home now has
to figure out how do I get back into the workforce,
(26:41):
how do I navigate this? So it's extra hard in
those situations because the dynamics created a certain thing as
a team, and now that team is restructured, So what
do you do with that? So helping those parents also
figure out their next chapter and how to navigate the
out side life as well.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
I mean, because in the end, we really were supposed
to be protecting our children. You know, I peop didn't
ask for this divorce. The children ask to have two houses.
The children ask for And even if the children, whether
they're four and sixteen or they're they're like a year
apart or two years apart, I think it's important what
you said too, like look at you said with special needs,
(27:23):
also look at the siblings, but look at the children individually,
because one child might need something that the other child
doesn't need.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Absolutely, it really is important. And what I can also
say is there are special needs children who can't communicate
or who are non verbal, and in those situations, similar
to when I have situations where someone has a very
young child or when there is a restraining order and
they can't talk, I highly recommend parents communicating on a
(27:54):
parenting app right for special needs children, for young children,
for high conflict of horses, use that parenting app, document
it and put on hey, they have strapped throat. I
gave them an answabatic this morning, so you need to
give the night dose, or hey, they're running out of
their medicine. Don't make the children the messenger or put
(28:16):
it on the parenting app. Use them to communicate to
co parent. But also if you do have to go
back to mediation or court, use that as something that
you can say, here's why I'm requesting a change the parent.
Cancel the last six of ten weeks right, or over
the last three months they've never been on time for
(28:37):
drop off or pickup, or they haven't paid X or
y or z right. So really the parenting apps can
be you talked about what are mistakes avoid? What is
the best advice? One of the best advices I can give,
even for amicable divorces, is to get a parenting app
and put everything related to finances and the schedule, and
(28:57):
then the children don't have to hear you fight. Your
ex can't change the date or time stamps, they can't
say that you're twisting things around. It's all documented there.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
I love that so much. I wish I had had
a parenting app when I was going through divorce. I
didn't think I knew about them or nobody even recommended
them to me. That would have been so helpful. And
I know a lot of them were like, Okay, watch
your tone. What apps do you recommend?
Speaker 2 (29:24):
I mean, I think that our Family Wizard app has
really perfected so much, and they're constantly coming out with
new and better versions. I know some districts they the
judge will instead of you know, recommending our Family Wizard,
a judge might recommend Talking Parents or app close both
(29:45):
of those. Are you know, getting up to par with
our Family Wizards?
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Family Wizard you su to sponsor the podcast. I'm a
big fan of them too. Okay, many of your clients
come to you feeling completely stuck. How do you help
them create, plan and move forward.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
So at the very beginning of every session, every client
is asked the same questions. I say, fill me in
on what I should know that's happened since we talked,
and what do you want to spend our time on?
So you get your money's worth. So it's a very
individual session. It's not on session when we do this,
and on session four we do this. It is what
(30:25):
is their biggest worry? What is keeping them up at night?
And let's tackle the big stuff first. Whether it's related
to custody or finance, or the home or a vacation
or whatever it is. Tell me what is your worry
and I will help you solve it. And so, really,
many certified divorce coaches are problem solvers and resource providers. Right, Okay,
(30:50):
you need an insurance agent, you need an appraiser, you
need a therapist. I tell everyone, even though I have
my doctorate, it's not in psychology, I can get you
on fuck. I can't hail your paths. I can't diagnose you.
I can't prescribe you medicine. So helping them find the
resources to navigate whatever that problem is.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
You thank you for that. You are known to your
You're known as the coach that other coaches and attorneys hire.
What do you see even seasons, professionals turn to you
for guidance And I know that like you're you work
with celebrities and billionaires and millionaires, and I can see why.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Now, thank you so, And keep in mind I also
have teachers, police officers, nurses and everyone pays the same price, right,
and everyone gets the same treatment. So it's a whole
gamut of who I have. But I think, you know,
doing this for more than a decade, it is really
(31:52):
tried and true as far as seeing each divorce, each family,
each person as an individual unique situation and what is
best for them, and helping them think outside the box,
but think realistic and helping them figure out where they
want to be and how are they going to get there.
(32:14):
Let's time hop whether it's short term to three weeks
from now or three years from now, and what do
we need to do to get there? And so even
though an attorney went to law school, and some you know,
many attorneys who hire me for their own divorce are
not matrimonial attorneys. Some are so even though this is
(32:35):
their field or they went to law school. It's that
emotional aspect. It's the mental mindset. It is helping someone
in a time of crisis gain clarity and think through
what's going on with all the fireballs coming at them.
Right often I have these high conflict cases. Ninety percent
(32:55):
of my cases are high conflict, and so they have
fireballs constantly come what do we have to prioritize right
and then not letting their ex and the fireballs and
the divorce and the litigation consume their life. So I
talk to people about if your life is a pizza
pie and you have no children with your ex, once
(33:18):
you're divorced, you're done the money split, you can totally
gray rock them. But if you have children, you will
have to yellow rock them, which means you'll have to
communicate in a business like way, hopefully on a parenting app.
But you're not going to let that overflow. So your
ex can be one slice of the pizza pie if
you have children together, but then you also have your career,
(33:41):
your new partner, your extended family, your children, your alone time,
your hobbies, and how do they step boundaries to not
let that one gray cloud come over their entire life.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
I love that about sharing your story in Soul parent
and what you want people to take away from that.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
It was actually a podcast as well who did single
parent podcasts, and she had quite a following, and she
was approached to help write almost like you know, chicken
Soup for the Soul book, but related to parenting and
single parenting. And you know, certainly I always wanted to
(34:27):
be an educator or a teacher. I always wanted to
be a mom. Of course. I envision that with you
know what you what you think that the white picket
fan said, and you know the three children and having
everything you know in an ideal situation what you see
on TV shows. But the reality is that's not what
(34:50):
is always behind closed doors and being able to say, okay,
let's make a shift. No one has a crystal ball
when they get married out divorce. No one has a
crystal ball when they have children if they're going to
be a Harvard cheerleader and an astronaut, or if they're
going to be a special need child who literally can't
(35:11):
tie their shoe and needs an assistant twenty four to seven. Right,
So let's take a look at what life has thrown
at us and where you want it to be, and
how we can get you as close to that as possible.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
What do you say to someone who's in the middle
of it getting whether going through divorce, separated, or just
through it or just beginning to stay resilient in uncertain
and settling times.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
Well, I often say that this is a marathon and
not a race. So often someone wants to throw in
the towel too quickly, or they they want to put
their feet in the ground and say no way, never, right.
And so I try to encourage people never to use
the word never. And I also try to encourage people
to know that in a divorce, certain things like equitable distribution,
(36:04):
unless there was fraud, can't be changed.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
Right.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
And I tell you know as a story where one
of my very first clients more than a decade ago,
called me post divorce. They hadn't found me during or
pre divorce, and they called me three months after they
had signed the divorce agreement. They got in a motorcycle
accident and waved spousal support, child support, everything. She said,
(36:30):
I just wanted time with my child. I had a
great job, I had a new boyfriend. I wanted out.
Now I'm a paraplegic from this motorcycle accident. I can't
take care of my child, I can't work, and my
boyfriend left me. Can I go back and get support?
Can I go back? And they can't. They can't. Once
you wave certain things, you can't go back. And it
(36:51):
was heartbreaking. So when someone says I just want out,
I just want to wave it. I helped them run
the distance, And I told you what I say to
people at the beginning of session, right, fill me in,
and then what do you want to focus on to
get your money's worse? But what I say before every
client hangs up is I say, was this helpful? And
(37:11):
one hundred percent of the time they say yes, because
we focus on what they want, so of course it's
going to be helpful. And then the very last thing
I do for my men and women, and a lot
of the men laugh at me, but some of the
women also, They say, what are you going to do
for self care? To literally put on your calendar and
look forward to to get through this because it's not
(37:34):
going to end tomorrow, right, And we often know that
with high conflict divorce there's post divorce abuse that happens
and post separation abuse. So I have everyone literally put
on their calendar, take a walk around the lake, watch
a funny movie, meet a friend for a glass of wine,
take a bubble back, bake your favorite dessert. A lot
of these things cost minimal, minimal money if any, but
(37:57):
something to look forward to because you need to take
care of yourself. I talk to a lot of my
clients about are you hydrating, are you getting movement and exercising,
Are you sleeping? And if you're not sleeping, okay, what
can we do? Because we know if they're not eating, sleeping,
and hydrating, they're not thinking straight and these are some
of the most important decisions they're going to make, and
(38:20):
some of them can't be changed.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Well, I wish someone had told me that are you breathing?
Speaker 2 (38:25):
You are exactly. Self care is so important and they
don't think about it, and so that's one of the
things I do as a certified coach is talk to
them about self care before they hang up.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
You're basically everything, doctor Susan Beerdstein, owner of Divorce Plus,
Certified Divorce Coach, Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach. There's so
much more than that, but I want to hear what
you're and also I want to say I wanted to
promote Divorce with Special Needs Children dot com. That community
so important and I love that we talked about that
(38:59):
as well. I don't I have never talked about that
on this podcast, and I think it's very important and
I'm grateful for you for bringing that to my listeners.
Your rewright, what is your rewrite? And how are you today?
And how are your children.
Speaker 2 (39:14):
So it is a blessing. A lot of it is
mindset because I'll be honest, life is not perfect. But
every day I show gratitude. I find the little things
to look forward to. I tell everyone, don't let your
ex ruin your chance for future love. Some people say
I'm never going to date, I'm never going to be
(39:35):
in a relationship. There are great men and women out there.
I have a great partner. Love is out there. Don't
give your ex the power to ruin your chance for
future love. So I'm blessed with a great career, blessed
with a great partner. My special needs daughter, the reality
is she continues to struggle, but I'm her advocate and
(39:55):
try to provide the best that I can and a
whole team for her and my other two children. Knock
on wood, they are thriving in every aspect of their life.
And it's you know, my son could say, wow, I
have this awful father. Wow I have a sister with
extreme special needs. I just went to meet the teacher
(40:17):
night and he wrote about how he's happy and how
how even when you hear bad news, you have the
choice to let that ruin your day or to say,
I'm going to still focus on the happy stuff. So
it's a blessing that I'm able to spread that mindset
that the reality is there's a lot of problems, but
(40:38):
we can choose what we want to focus on.
Speaker 1 (40:42):
I love that I talk a lot about mindfulness, meditation,
all that, the energy, the vibration that we put out
on this podcast, and I think it's so important. So, Wow,
you've been through a lot. I know your rewrite story
is also on Dateline.
Speaker 2 (40:56):
Yes, yes, yes, and sadly it is the extreme. I
know half the country gets divorced, but certainly not half
the country had the highest of high conflict that I did.
And I know, as we know so many children, I
think they say it's the right around. You know, between
fifteen and twenty percent have special needs. But for my
(41:18):
daughter to have a two on one aid, right, it's
really really severe. But you know what, Like, like I said,
I could hide under the covers every day, or I
could say, hey, this is happening, so I can help others.
Let's make lemonade out of the lemons being thrown at me,
and let's live this life to the best we can
(41:39):
and just keep pushing through and forward. And overcoming obstacles
in our way.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
And you absolutely did all of that and so much more,
and your rewrit is I'm sure still happening. And the
fact that if you hadn't gone through all that, we
wouldn't be here talking about this. You wouldn't be you know,
the owner of divorce class wouldn't probably have been any
of this. So grateful. Thank you for so much great
information packed into this. I'd love to have you come
(42:07):
back again.
Speaker 2 (42:08):
Thank you so much, my pleasure. And I do give
out my phone number the five five to one four
four four two six zero nine or divorcecoachplots dot com.
They can reach me, like I said twenty four to seven,
because I never want anyone to think they're alone. And
it is that free consult so anyone can come, no
(42:29):
pressure to have to pay anything after that.
Speaker 1 (42:32):
Amazing, amazing, Thank you so.
Speaker 2 (42:34):
Much, my pleasure. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (42:36):
Wendy Nito Kuda Divorce and Family Laws attorneys have guided
Connecticut and New York families through complex divorce actions, contested
child custody, and alimony disputes for over thirty years. Their
Connecticut and New York attorneys have extensive experience in family
matters involving substance abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, and many
(42:56):
other X factors that can complicate a divorce. Attorneys adeptly
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(43:16):
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three five five seven nine five zero zero
Welcome to the Rewrite, a podcast about divorce, choice and
new beginnings. I'm your host Wendy Sloan, former TV producer,
mom of two and one sweet golden retriever. This is
a space for real talk about the moments that break us,
the choices that define us, and the power we have
to begin again. You'll hear personal stories, heartfelt insights, and
(00:22):
honest conversations about healing relationships and reclaiming your life one
choice at a time. I'll be joined by experts in divorce, finance,
mental health, wellness and more and everything you need to
support your next chapter. The most powerful chapters might be
the ones you write next. Let's begin your rewrite together.
This episode is brought to in part by the Needle
(00:44):
Kuda Law Firm guidance that moves lives forward. Welcome to
the Rewrite. I'm your host Wendy Sloan and my guest today,
the owner of Divorce Plus. She has ten years of
experience as a certified divorce coach and certified High Conflict
Divorce Coach. She's a full time single mom and wrote
a chapter in an international bestseller book called Soul Parent.
She runs divorce with special needs children. Dot com, website,
(01:07):
and Facebook. She is known as the coach that other
coaches and attorneys hire to get them through their own
complex divorces, as well as multi millionaires, billionaires and celebrities
and so much more. There. I could have gone on
to so many more things, but we'll.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Start with that.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Welcome to my show, Doctor Susan Bernstein, because your everything.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Thank you so much for having me, Wendy, I really
appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Oh, I'm so happy to have you here. There was
so so okay. You earned your bachelor's, master's, doctoral and
education leadership child development. You were a school teacher, administrator,
college professor before entering the divorce professional world. As I
mentioned earlier, you're a full time single mom. Tell us
(01:52):
how you enter tell us all about that, how you
entered the divorce world and your personal story. I know
that's a lot, and then we'll into everything.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Absolutely. Thank you, well, hopefully it's an inspiring story too many.
I was an educator for almost twenty years and really
loved what I did. Mom of three, my oldest child
special needs, and so when I went through my own divorce,
(02:22):
which was high conflict, and I defined high conflict as
custody battles, hidden money, domestic abuse, plus the intersection of
divorce with a special needs child. I said, why me?
I just wanted to hide under the covers. But I
had an epiphany and for my children's sake, I couldn't
hide under the covers. Maybe it was a calling. Maybe
I was meant to help others. So I switched from
(02:44):
educational consultant to divorce consultant, and less than a couple
of years in I heard about the certified Divorce Coaching program.
I now teach for two of the national international programs
and have six divorce coaching certificates. And my career is
my passion, all day, every day for the last decade,
helping individuals get unstuck and get to that next chapter
(03:08):
of bliss that they want and deserve.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Oh my god, And you are passionate about it, because
I read that you work weekends, days, nights, all the time,
all the time for your clients.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
I really try to be that lifeline so that people
know they're not alone. I have a policy where anyone
can text me for five minutes. It's free. It's not
like an attorney who ups that five minute text or email.
If they even the attorney even gives their clients their
cell number to ten or fifteen or twenty minutes, so
(03:40):
it's always a five minute text twenty four to seven.
I turn off my phone when I sleep so they'll
never wake me. But if I'm off at eleven at
night or five in the morning, I will text them back,
and if not, I text them as soon as I can.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Wow. Well, that's that's something. Having gone through my own divorce,
I understand and the need to have some and tell
us what, Let's get into a little bit of your
personal story first and then let's get in we'll get
into the rest of it.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
So I were you married, I know you have three
children when with special needs.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Yes. So I met my ex when we were teenagers
at Penn State and I was from Maryland and he
was from New York and he, you know, like many
New Yorkers.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Happy right there. So my son went to Maryland, my
daughter went to Penn State. I love it.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
My daughter. My daughter's actually at University of Maryland now,
which is where my parents live still. And so that's
my that's my stomping grounds. Excellent schools, yeah, wonderful school Yeah. So,
as most New Yorkers, he said, if you're going to
be with me, come come to New York. So we
in our twenties spent time with our education for our careers.
(04:55):
I earned my master's, my doctor, and I, you know,
helped put him through metal full school and residency, and
you know, thought we had this beautiful life ahead. But
once children came, I saw a different colors coming out,
someone who just wanted all the attention to them, and
(05:16):
from their return to very high conflict. And I found
myself certainly in a bind and in a situation that
I really I didn't want to be in, and I
didn't see fixable. And when you can't fix a relationship,
your other option is to stay with it or get
out as smoothly as possible. So that's what I tried
to do. I found the most amazing divorce attorney. Back then,
(05:40):
I didn't know about certified divorce coaches. I would have
loved to have the team approach. Certainly, my legal fees
would have been much much less. It was truly a
multimillion dollar divorce, just a million dollar divorce on my
side of the bill. Trying to get out of this
what became a very toxic relationship and trying to protect
(06:04):
my children so that you know, they could live the
life I envisioned, that envision for them to have and
be safe.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Right. Wow, So how did you go about getting out
and how did you go about protecting the children?
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Absolutely well, in both those things, it takes a team,
It takes a village. So you know, when you know
you're in a high conflict divorce and you can't mediate,
and I always say, mediation is wonderful if there's not
a power struggle and a safety issue, And mediation is
also wonderful if someone discloses finances. But when someone has
(06:43):
their own business, then it's a cash business and you
know there's hidden finances you have but no choice to litigate.
So it took me more than two years to have
the courage to even interview different divorce attorneys and see
what the options are. And as you mentioned, I'm a woman,
I have my doctorate, but I didn't know how unhealthy
(07:05):
the relationship was that I was in. I didn't know
that there was abuse in every way. I didn't know
that I was married to a nursissist. And so getting
myself therapy, getting my children therapists, and getting professionals on
board with helping us realize the situation we were in
(07:26):
and how to navigate that through the legal system, because
it wasn't so easy as an amicable divorce where you
can just sit at a table, divide up everything and
walk away right right.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
And it's smart And I like that you said that
you're a smart person, But as smart as you are,
this is not an easy system.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Absolutely it is. You know, people think there will be
justice in the court system, which is certainly not always
the case. People also think that a judge or professional
will instantly see who you're dealing with. But often that
person who's unsable knows how to put on a mask
(08:08):
and and and not show their true colors. And I
you know, I talk about radical acceptance to my clients,
but I also on a daily basis to myself, what
is realistic? Right?
Speaker 1 (08:22):
How?
Speaker 2 (08:23):
What what is the realistic options for you? You want
to know your ideal situation, you want to know your
bottom line, and how do you navigate in between. And
certainly when you're in a crisis situation because of high conflict,
it's hard to gain clarity, it's hard to think clearly
because you're constantly under this immense stress and trauma. And pressure,
(08:46):
and so having the therapist, having the attorneys who can
help you navigate that, having coaches that are certified can
truly make all the difference.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
Absolutely, So how did you protect yourself, your heart, your surroundings,
your daily life, and your children when you were starting
to go through this processing my conflict and that was
toxic and that it was intense.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Lots of strategy, lots of documentation, lots of planning before
even the word divorce was mentioned. So financially gaining as
much information as I could possibly gain. Like I mentioned,
there were many cast cash businesses and my ex's father
(09:37):
was his was our accountant, so things weren't even coming
to our mail. We didn't have a file, a file conant.
We back then there wasn't online banking, and so how
do you even gather data? Talking to forensic accountants, business valuators,
talking to certified divorce financial analysts. What do I need?
What could help? How can we work backwards? How can
(09:59):
you trace money? And then related to the children talking
to their pediatrician, talking to their therapists, talking to their teachers,
setting up a support community for them, helping them understand
their truths so they're not gaslighted. They're not manipulated and
they're not thinking that any of this is their fault
(10:21):
whether and really giving them the reassurance, the confidence that
things will be okay.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Right, So big piece of advice I took away from that.
Don't before you even mention the word, the divorce word,
the d word. Do your research, do your planning, do
gather your information, find out as much as you can
before you even mention that.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Absolutely as much as you can, whether it is the
financial documents, whether it is taking pictures or videos of
expensive items, of sentimental items, whether it's getting a safety
deposit box for your jewelry, for your passports, for birth certificates,
anything that someone could remove or destroy that is, you know,
(11:11):
either expensive or sentimental to.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
You, really really super good advice. Okay, So let's talk
about how you help your clients pre divorced, post divorce
and the and then we'll get into the benefits of
having someone like you, a divorce certified coach, a divorce
high a certified high conflict divorce coach. How do you
how do you throw your clients and how do they
(11:35):
know and and what's your advice for them to alongside
of their attorney have someone like.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
You too, absolutely well, you know it's a loaded question,
and I'll try to answer as much of it as possible.
But ideally someone finds a certified divorce coach at the
very beginning, right, it's so much easier to do things
right instead of swimming upstream and back and trying to
(12:00):
fix any mistakes that happen during pre divorce or even
during divorce. I feel awful when people find me post
divorce and they've already signed their agreement and now we're
trying to renavigate. How to you know, either enforce it
or modify it or add details to make it easier
for them. So, you know, the ideal thing is someone
(12:22):
finds a certified divorce coach or a certified high conflict
divorce coach at the very beginning of the process. Half
my clients are men, half of them are women, and
really helping them should I or shouldn't I get divorced?
And if I do get divorced, should I mediate? Should
I litigate? What should I What do I want related
to finances? What's realistic?
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Right?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
And so helping them with the questions so that they
go into the legal professionals and financial professionals prepared, helping
them with the mindset so that they're not triggered by
their ex and what the reality will be likely if
they mediate, ear litigate right, but getting them as close
(13:05):
to that ideal option as possible. So really helping them
as much or as little as they want. What I
do is everyone gets a free thirty minute call. After
that it's totally optional, and I sell hour long packages.
In twenty twenty five, I sell packages of two, five
(13:26):
or twelve. I have what's called forever pricing. So for example,
earlier today, before this, I had someone who has a
two year old For the next twenty years, they can
rebuy two, five or twelve hours at that price. They're
locked into forever. People back from twenty seventeen are paying
the twenty seventeen price. Some people see me twice a week,
(13:47):
some twice a month, some choice the season, some twice
a year. As it gets to become post divorced, it
ebbs and flows. So really having that opportunity to help
them be problem solvers and help them navigate any of
the third parties, their children, their ex, the divorce professionals
as much or as little as they need.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Wow, I'm sure from your experience having gone through this,
you know that that is so huge because the amount
of money that's spent with therapists and mediators and divorce
attorneys and everything else. You know, being having a certified
divorce coach is so helpful and it's a lot less expensive.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Absolutely, And half my clients tell their attorney they have
a coach, and half don't. It's up to them. Some
want to see see me on every email, Some want
to have me on Zoom if they're within the New
York tri state areas. Some of them want to be local.
But I do service all fifty states, and right now
I have clients in up to eighteen different countries. So
(14:54):
it's really dealing with the emotional aspect because whether you
initiate it or your blind side with it, it's emotional
because it's a change. And ideally we take the scary
aspect of the change and turn it into an opportunity.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
We're going to take a quick break for one of
our sponsors. Will we write back with doctor Susan Burnstein.
I'm going to ask her, do the attorneys like that
you're involved? How does that work? And I'm going to
ask her so much more. We'll be right back. Owner
of Divorce Plus, Certified Divorce Coach and certified High Conflict
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move forward with clarity and confidence. Reach out at a
(16:38):
prizewealth dot com that's app ri sewealth dot com and
let Phil take control of your finances and build lasting
financial stability. We're back with doctor Susan Bernstein. So do
do attorney's mind that someone has a certified divorce coach.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
So I have to say, every attorney that I have
interact good with is happy to have me, and that
is not always the case. And that's why we use
the word certified because there are people out there who
are coaches who are not certified, and they walk the
legal line. They give legal advice when they should not
(17:16):
be giving legal advice, and so they sadly give coaching
a bad name because they are putting on an attorney
hat when they shunk. So, certified divorce coaches are trained
to give their clients a list of legal questions to
go in and ask their attorney those legal questions. So
they're organized, they're prepared, they're saving time and money because
(17:40):
they know exactly the attorneys went to law school for
a reason, right, so let's use the attorneys for the
legal information. I often talk to my clients about do
the thinking work with me. They are like the football coach.
The attorney is like the football quarterback, and Hernie executes
(18:01):
it legally, and they're asking them to execute something legally
that is realistic. They're not saying I want to keep
the homes the kids one hundred percent of the time
in the tension, right, that's not radical acceptance. So helping
them do the thinking work in the session and showing
them you can take path A, B or C. Here
(18:22):
are the obstacles in the way, and here's how we'll
overcome it, making them not feel there's no options or
only one option, and really walking down which path they
want that's best for them. And if they have children, I'm.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Sure your background education teaching, administration and higher ED gives
you a unique perspective and divorce cases as well, plus
having gone through your own high conflict divorce.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
It really does. Certainly, putting children first is my top priority. Right,
These children don't really have a say. They can't not
be with a parent if there's no abuse to neglect,
and so trying to look at it, Okay, what is
best for the children. Yes, a holiday schedule of splitting
(19:08):
Thanksgiving where mom has them from two to six and
dad has them from six on on Thanksgiving is great
for the parents, but is that great for the child?
And looking at individual children, for example special needs children,
structure is important. It's very hard to have them playing
with their cousins and in the middle of Thanksgiving at
(19:30):
six o'clock they now, you're going to the other house.
So what might be best for the parents to have
some time on Thanksgiving with their child might not be
best for the children. And saying you know what, let's
give them every other year, or let's have you celebrate
Thanksgiving on Thursday and all have my family and friends
on Friday and we'll do a Thanksgiving feast on Friday. Right,
(19:52):
So really trying to put the children first, and what
is age and developmentally appropriate. Often people have children who
are spread apart at different agents. What you tell a
four year old is certainly different than what you tell
a fourteen year old.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
One hundred percent. I agree with you, and I know
you said that with special needs it's structure is so
important for kids. I think its structure is so important period.
What is different about getting with special getting a divorce
with special with a special needs child, as you know,
and tell us about that, and also tell us about
I know you run Divorce with Special Needs Children dot Com.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Yes, So what I can say is several things about that.
Everyone has heard that half the country gets divorced, which
is pretty much a true fact based on the research
you're in and you're out around fifty percent. But the
research also shows that eighty percent of people who have
a special needs child will divorce before that child's twenty one,
(20:53):
So with a much higher likely chance that you'll get divorced,
not that it's that child's fault, but the additional stress
added to the marriage that really creates that divorce. And
so what happens is obviously there's a range of special needs, right,
there's a whole spectrum, but many special needs children will
(21:14):
not be independent upon emancipation age. Depending on your state
or jurisdiction, it could be age eighteen or twenty one.
And so ideally, as parents, we give our children roots.
We give our children wings and they're off at eighteen
or twenty one, and we turn from the parenting role
to the consulting role and happily watch them as they
(21:35):
have a successful life. When you don't have an independent
child and they're dependent on you and they're a young adult,
or they're just an adult child, they could be thirty
six years old and still needing your financial help and
your physical help. Some states, like Texas, anyone who has
a special needs child in Texas, it's a blessing that state.
(21:58):
The moneymaker pays child support to the non moneymaker for
that entire adult child's life. It is lifetime child support
if they have a documented special needs shop. New York
raised it up to age twenty six, and some other
states are following suit. But I have many people calling
(22:18):
from states who find me on the Divorce with special
Needs Children dot com website or Facebook page and they say,
I have a twenty seven year old they're not working.
I don't my ex is a multimillionaire, they're not paying
a penny.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
What do we do?
Speaker 2 (22:33):
And so trying during the divorce to get in language
for what happens once they're past emancipation. Age or this
age that the state says the parent is obligated is
not obligated anymore to lock in finances. Talking about guardianship
and decision making, right, just because someone has a legal custody,
(22:55):
decision making and a divorce doesn't mean that we'll transfer
in guardian ship yep. But certainly you can put words
in the divorce papers that you can bring when you
apply for guardianship on who will then take over that
decision making for medical for finance, who will help the
child related to social security benefits, related to medicaid? How
(23:18):
will they navigate that? So first and third party trust
able accounts, you know what you can do. And related
to siblings because that child will probably stay, you know,
dependent on someone after that parent passes away, So what
is the siblings' role and really bringing in trust and
(23:41):
estate attorneys as well. So when you talk about a
team approach, the I actually with one of my colleagues
who we created certified divorce coaches who have a specialty
in special needs. Right, so there are is there's actually
that niche out there and those coaches can help help
them with the emotional part and prepare them for the
(24:03):
additional legal and financial part as well.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
Amazing and God bless Texas.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Yes, I know, I wish every state had it because
it really it really becomes extremely hard, especially if a
child is used to a certain lifestyle and then they're
cut off and you know, the money, the parent has
the money and they're not doing it, and there's nothing
(24:29):
that even attorneys or judges can enforce if the law
is not in place. So we're lucky that. I do
think it's a trend up and coming, and I do
think attorneys are bringing things up more in paperwork. So
if your state doesn't have it, but your divorce decrease
says currently the child is fourteen, our goal is that
(24:50):
they will be dependent and have a vocational and live
live on their owner in a group Homer setting where
they can be somewhat independent. But if not, then here's
what each parent will commit to doing. And if you
have that in your divorce to create that's enforceable to uphold.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
I love that so much. I hope all the states
start to follow that your experience, What are the biggest
mistakes parents making custody for parenting plans when a child
with a child with special needs is that it.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Is that like I you know, I think one thing
that I do see is that they don't look at
the siblings of special needs children and they just say, Okay,
let's just focus on the special needs child. You also
need to focus on the siblings, and that might be
(25:39):
a very individualized parenting plan where sometimes that sibling has
mom alone or dad alone, or if it's the same
sex marriage, has parent one or parent too alone. Right,
they maybe not should always travel together. It might be hey,
the parent doesn't have as much free time, but they
have quality time with the non special needs siblings. So
(26:00):
I would say one of the biggest mistakes is that
the other thing is historically, because special needs children need
extra therapies, extra tutoring, extra medications, extra help, historically one
parent is more than stay at home parent or a
part time worker, and the other parent works a full
(26:20):
time job and maybe a job in half to compensate,
instead of homes where you have two working families. So
all of a sudden in divorce, the one who was
always working now has to figure out how do I
play a caregiver role on the nights that my child's
with may and the one who stayed home now has
to figure out how do I get back into the workforce,
(26:41):
how do I navigate this? So it's extra hard in
those situations because the dynamics created a certain thing as
a team, and now that team is restructured, So what
do you do with that? So helping those parents also
figure out their next chapter and how to navigate the
out side life as well.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
I mean, because in the end, we really were supposed
to be protecting our children. You know, I peop didn't
ask for this divorce. The children ask to have two houses.
The children ask for And even if the children, whether
they're four and sixteen or they're they're like a year
apart or two years apart, I think it's important what
you said too, like look at you said with special needs,
(27:23):
also look at the siblings, but look at the children individually,
because one child might need something that the other child
doesn't need.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Absolutely, it really is important. And what I can also
say is there are special needs children who can't communicate
or who are non verbal, and in those situations, similar
to when I have situations where someone has a very
young child or when there is a restraining order and
they can't talk, I highly recommend parents communicating on a
(27:54):
parenting app right for special needs children, for young children,
for high conflict of horses, use that parenting app, document
it and put on hey, they have strapped throat. I
gave them an answabatic this morning, so you need to
give the night dose, or hey, they're running out of
their medicine. Don't make the children the messenger or put
(28:16):
it on the parenting app. Use them to communicate to
co parent. But also if you do have to go
back to mediation or court, use that as something that
you can say, here's why I'm requesting a change the parent.
Cancel the last six of ten weeks right, or over
the last three months they've never been on time for
(28:37):
drop off or pickup, or they haven't paid X or
y or z right. So really the parenting apps can
be you talked about what are mistakes avoid? What is
the best advice? One of the best advices I can give,
even for amicable divorces, is to get a parenting app
and put everything related to finances and the schedule, and
(28:57):
then the children don't have to hear you fight. Your
ex can't change the date or time stamps, they can't
say that you're twisting things around. It's all documented there.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
I love that so much. I wish I had had
a parenting app when I was going through divorce. I
didn't think I knew about them or nobody even recommended
them to me. That would have been so helpful. And
I know a lot of them were like, Okay, watch
your tone. What apps do you recommend?
Speaker 2 (29:24):
I mean, I think that our Family Wizard app has
really perfected so much, and they're constantly coming out with
new and better versions. I know some districts they the
judge will instead of you know, recommending our Family Wizard,
a judge might recommend Talking Parents or app close both
(29:45):
of those. Are you know, getting up to par with
our Family Wizards?
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Family Wizard you su to sponsor the podcast. I'm a
big fan of them too. Okay, many of your clients
come to you feeling completely stuck. How do you help
them create, plan and move forward.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
So at the very beginning of every session, every client
is asked the same questions. I say, fill me in
on what I should know that's happened since we talked,
and what do you want to spend our time on?
So you get your money's worth. So it's a very
individual session. It's not on session when we do this,
and on session four we do this. It is what
(30:25):
is their biggest worry? What is keeping them up at night?
And let's tackle the big stuff first. Whether it's related
to custody or finance, or the home or a vacation
or whatever it is. Tell me what is your worry
and I will help you solve it. And so, really,
many certified divorce coaches are problem solvers and resource providers. Right, Okay,
(30:50):
you need an insurance agent, you need an appraiser, you
need a therapist. I tell everyone, even though I have
my doctorate, it's not in psychology, I can get you
on fuck. I can't hail your paths. I can't diagnose you.
I can't prescribe you medicine. So helping them find the
resources to navigate whatever that problem is.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
You thank you for that. You are known to your
You're known as the coach that other coaches and attorneys hire.
What do you see even seasons, professionals turn to you
for guidance And I know that like you're you work
with celebrities and billionaires and millionaires, and I can see why.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Now, thank you so, And keep in mind I also
have teachers, police officers, nurses and everyone pays the same price, right,
and everyone gets the same treatment. So it's a whole
gamut of who I have. But I think, you know,
doing this for more than a decade, it is really
(31:52):
tried and true as far as seeing each divorce, each family,
each person as an individual unique situation and what is
best for them, and helping them think outside the box,
but think realistic and helping them figure out where they
want to be and how are they going to get there.
(32:14):
Let's time hop whether it's short term to three weeks
from now or three years from now, and what do
we need to do to get there? And so even
though an attorney went to law school, and some you know,
many attorneys who hire me for their own divorce are
not matrimonial attorneys. Some are so even though this is
(32:35):
their field or they went to law school. It's that
emotional aspect. It's the mental mindset. It is helping someone
in a time of crisis gain clarity and think through
what's going on with all the fireballs coming at them.
Right often I have these high conflict cases. Ninety percent
(32:55):
of my cases are high conflict, and so they have
fireballs constantly come what do we have to prioritize right
and then not letting their ex and the fireballs and
the divorce and the litigation consume their life. So I
talk to people about if your life is a pizza
pie and you have no children with your ex, once
(33:18):
you're divorced, you're done the money split, you can totally
gray rock them. But if you have children, you will
have to yellow rock them, which means you'll have to
communicate in a business like way, hopefully on a parenting app.
But you're not going to let that overflow. So your
ex can be one slice of the pizza pie if
you have children together, but then you also have your career,
(33:41):
your new partner, your extended family, your children, your alone time,
your hobbies, and how do they step boundaries to not
let that one gray cloud come over their entire life.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
I love that about sharing your story in Soul parent
and what you want people to take away from that.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
It was actually a podcast as well who did single
parent podcasts, and she had quite a following, and she
was approached to help write almost like you know, chicken
Soup for the Soul book, but related to parenting and
single parenting. And you know, certainly I always wanted to
(34:27):
be an educator or a teacher. I always wanted to
be a mom. Of course. I envision that with you
know what you what you think that the white picket
fan said, and you know the three children and having
everything you know in an ideal situation what you see
on TV shows. But the reality is that's not what
(34:50):
is always behind closed doors and being able to say, okay,
let's make a shift. No one has a crystal ball
when they get married out divorce. No one has a
crystal ball when they have children if they're going to
be a Harvard cheerleader and an astronaut, or if they're
going to be a special need child who literally can't
(35:11):
tie their shoe and needs an assistant twenty four to seven. Right,
So let's take a look at what life has thrown
at us and where you want it to be, and
how we can get you as close to that as possible.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
What do you say to someone who's in the middle
of it getting whether going through divorce, separated, or just
through it or just beginning to stay resilient in uncertain
and settling times.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
Well, I often say that this is a marathon and
not a race. So often someone wants to throw in
the towel too quickly, or they they want to put
their feet in the ground and say no way, never, right.
And so I try to encourage people never to use
the word never. And I also try to encourage people
to know that in a divorce, certain things like equitable distribution,
(36:04):
unless there was fraud, can't be changed.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
Right.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
And I tell you know as a story where one
of my very first clients more than a decade ago,
called me post divorce. They hadn't found me during or
pre divorce, and they called me three months after they
had signed the divorce agreement. They got in a motorcycle
accident and waved spousal support, child support, everything. She said,
(36:30):
I just wanted time with my child. I had a
great job, I had a new boyfriend. I wanted out.
Now I'm a paraplegic from this motorcycle accident. I can't
take care of my child, I can't work, and my
boyfriend left me. Can I go back and get support?
Can I go back? And they can't. They can't. Once
you wave certain things, you can't go back. And it
(36:51):
was heartbreaking. So when someone says I just want out,
I just want to wave it. I helped them run
the distance, And I told you what I say to
people at the beginning of session, right, fill me in,
and then what do you want to focus on to
get your money's worse? But what I say before every
client hangs up is I say, was this helpful? And
(37:11):
one hundred percent of the time they say yes, because
we focus on what they want, so of course it's
going to be helpful. And then the very last thing
I do for my men and women, and a lot
of the men laugh at me, but some of the
women also, They say, what are you going to do
for self care? To literally put on your calendar and
look forward to to get through this because it's not
(37:34):
going to end tomorrow, right, And we often know that
with high conflict divorce there's post divorce abuse that happens
and post separation abuse. So I have everyone literally put
on their calendar, take a walk around the lake, watch
a funny movie, meet a friend for a glass of wine,
take a bubble back, bake your favorite dessert. A lot
of these things cost minimal, minimal money if any, but
(37:57):
something to look forward to because you need to take
care of yourself. I talk to a lot of my
clients about are you hydrating, are you getting movement and exercising,
Are you sleeping? And if you're not sleeping, okay, what
can we do? Because we know if they're not eating, sleeping,
and hydrating, they're not thinking straight and these are some
of the most important decisions they're going to make, and
(38:20):
some of them can't be changed.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Well, I wish someone had told me that are you breathing?
Speaker 2 (38:25):
You are exactly. Self care is so important and they
don't think about it, and so that's one of the
things I do as a certified coach is talk to
them about self care before they hang up.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
You're basically everything, doctor Susan Beerdstein, owner of Divorce Plus,
Certified Divorce Coach, Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach. There's so
much more than that, but I want to hear what
you're and also I want to say I wanted to
promote Divorce with Special Needs Children dot com. That community
so important and I love that we talked about that
(38:59):
as well. I don't I have never talked about that
on this podcast, and I think it's very important and
I'm grateful for you for bringing that to my listeners.
Your rewright, what is your rewrite? And how are you today?
And how are your children.
Speaker 2 (39:14):
So it is a blessing. A lot of it is
mindset because I'll be honest, life is not perfect. But
every day I show gratitude. I find the little things
to look forward to. I tell everyone, don't let your
ex ruin your chance for future love. Some people say
I'm never going to date, I'm never going to be
(39:35):
in a relationship. There are great men and women out there.
I have a great partner. Love is out there. Don't
give your ex the power to ruin your chance for
future love. So I'm blessed with a great career, blessed
with a great partner. My special needs daughter, the reality
is she continues to struggle, but I'm her advocate and
(39:55):
try to provide the best that I can and a
whole team for her and my other two children. Knock
on wood, they are thriving in every aspect of their life.
And it's you know, my son could say, wow, I
have this awful father. Wow I have a sister with
extreme special needs. I just went to meet the teacher
(40:17):
night and he wrote about how he's happy and how
how even when you hear bad news, you have the
choice to let that ruin your day or to say,
I'm going to still focus on the happy stuff. So
it's a blessing that I'm able to spread that mindset
that the reality is there's a lot of problems, but
(40:38):
we can choose what we want to focus on.
Speaker 1 (40:42):
I love that I talk a lot about mindfulness, meditation,
all that, the energy, the vibration that we put out
on this podcast, and I think it's so important. So, Wow,
you've been through a lot. I know your rewrite story
is also on Dateline.
Speaker 2 (40:56):
Yes, yes, yes, and sadly it is the extreme. I
know half the country gets divorced, but certainly not half
the country had the highest of high conflict that I did.
And I know, as we know so many children, I
think they say it's the right around. You know, between
fifteen and twenty percent have special needs. But for my
(41:18):
daughter to have a two on one aid, right, it's
really really severe. But you know what, Like, like I said,
I could hide under the covers every day, or I
could say, hey, this is happening, so I can help others.
Let's make lemonade out of the lemons being thrown at me,
and let's live this life to the best we can
(41:39):
and just keep pushing through and forward. And overcoming obstacles
in our way.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
And you absolutely did all of that and so much more,
and your rewrit is I'm sure still happening. And the
fact that if you hadn't gone through all that, we
wouldn't be here talking about this. You wouldn't be you know,
the owner of divorce class wouldn't probably have been any
of this. So grateful. Thank you for so much great
information packed into this. I'd love to have you come
(42:07):
back again.
Speaker 2 (42:08):
Thank you so much, my pleasure. And I do give
out my phone number the five five to one four
four four two six zero nine or divorcecoachplots dot com.
They can reach me, like I said twenty four to seven,
because I never want anyone to think they're alone. And
it is that free consult so anyone can come, no
(42:29):
pressure to have to pay anything after that.
Speaker 1 (42:32):
Amazing, amazing, Thank you so.
Speaker 2 (42:34):
Much, my pleasure. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (42:36):
Wendy Nito Kuda Divorce and Family Laws attorneys have guided
Connecticut and New York families through complex divorce actions, contested
child custody, and alimony disputes for over thirty years. Their
Connecticut and New York attorneys have extensive experience in family
matters involving substance abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, and many
(42:56):
other X factors that can complicate a divorce. Attorneys adeptly
managed privacy and reputation concerns inherit to public divorce proceedings
and the related exposure for their ultra high net worth clients.
Find your new path forward, define your post divorce family,
and secure an enforceable agreement to protect your future with
(43:16):
Needlecuda Act now put the strength of their team behind you.
Visit them at needlecuda dot com or call two O
three five five seven nine five zero zero
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