September 16, 2025 • 38 mins
This week, I’m joined by Bryan Power—whose marriage went through a complete breakdown in 2024, forcing him to confront deep-seated childhood trauma.In the process of rebuilding his relationship, Bryan discovered Integrated Attachment Theory—a framework that transformed not only his marriage but his own sense of self.
Today, he’s a certified IAT coach, helping others heal the root causes of relationship challenges and create deeper, healthier connections.This conversation is about self-awareness, breaking patterns, and proving it’s never too late to rewrite your story.
Follow Bryan
www.myrelationshipfail.com
https://www.instagram.com/makeyourrelationshipfail?igsh=YmljcG4xdTB6cmZl
https://www.youtube.com/@myrelationshipfail
Today, he’s a certified IAT coach, helping others heal the root causes of relationship challenges and create deeper, healthier connections.This conversation is about self-awareness, breaking patterns, and proving it’s never too late to rewrite your story.
Follow Bryan
www.myrelationshipfail.com
https://www.instagram.com/makeyourrelationshipfail?igsh=YmljcG4xdTB6cmZl
https://www.youtube.com/@myrelationshipfail
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to The Rewrite, a podcast about divorce, choice and
new beginnings. I'm your host Wendy Sloan, former TV producer,
mom of two and one sweet golden retriever. This is
a space for real talk about the moments that break us,
the choices that define us, and the power we have
to begin again. You'll hear personal stories, heartfelt insights, and
(00:22):
honest conversations about healing relationships and reclaiming your life one
choice at a time. I'll be joined by experts in divorce, finance,
mental health, wellness and more and everything you need to
support your next chapter. The most powerful chapters might be
the ones you write next. Let's begin your rewrite together.
This episode is brought to in part by the Needle
(00:44):
Kuda Law Firm guidance that moves lives forward.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Welcome back to the Rewrite.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I'm your host Wendy Sloan, and today is a conversation
you will not want to miss.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
My guest has lived through a marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
We'll talk about that that face some of its hardest
moments and then came out the other side. What began
is only stable marriage relationship inspired onto a painful split
that included a restraining order, and somehow through it all
led to the strongest connection he and his partner wife
were I'm gonna we talked about, We're.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Going to get into all that I've ever known.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
His story is raw, honest, and a reminder that sometimes
the most dramatic chapters can be the turning points that
reshape everything in our life.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Welcome to my show, Brian.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Power, Wendy. Thanks so much for having me. I'm really
excited to be here today. You know, we'll talk about
that here in a second, but I do want to say, like,
I'm really thankful and honored that you would have me
today to share my story. I hope that your listeners
are going to get something of value out of the
story that we'll tell today. And but I've listened to
some of your podcasts. I really enjoy your work, so
(01:45):
I'm excited.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Oh I appreciate that. That means a lot. Thank you
so much.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
And I kept saying marriage relationship because I thought they
were married. It were so or so when I read it,
But you're actually not. So let's start, Brian, Actually, let's
start from the beginning. Tell us about you, and then
tell us about your marriage relationship.
Speaker 4 (02:02):
And explain the marriage thing. Absolutely a little bit about me,
I mean, for me. I grew up.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
I was born in nineteen sixty nine. My mom was
twenty one years old. My brother was already there, so
twenty one years old. My mom was divorced a few
months after I was born. So I was raised by
a single mom who had two boys to raise in
the seventies basically, and my father dealt with drug addiction
and battle debt side of everything.
Speaker 4 (02:26):
And so I moved around a lot in my early childhood.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
And a lot of a lot of our trauma, a
lot of our wounds that we deal with in life
really come from our childhood. And the first seven years
could be very valuable to the experience for a child
and how we develop. Right, So my early years were
really kind of in a sense dysfunctional. So a lot
of my trauma really came early on in my life,
and that would play out throughout my adult life here
(02:49):
and ultimately, and I'll tell you the story about twenty
twenty four between my wife and I, and she also
came through very dysfunctional childhood and a lot of trauma,
a lot of issues there, and so between the two
of us, you know, we found each other.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
We we kind of had this relationship.
Speaker 3 (03:04):
Going on, but underlying all everything was this trauma that
we didn't realize was kind of playing out in our
lives and would ultimately come to a head in twenty
twenty four.
Speaker 4 (03:12):
That's the beginning of the story. Real quick.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
You know, I talked about the marriage thing. Yeah, I'm
not technically married. My wife and I did get engaged
in twenty nineteen, and then twenty twenty, of course, COVID
happened and everything kind of shut down, so we kind
of put the marriage on the back burner. But I've
been calling her my wife ever since we've gotten engaged,
so I consider her my wife, right and ultimately, now
that we're kind of working through some things, we're talking
(03:37):
about actually getting that done. So that's why we're Wendy
and I are laughing a little bit while we say marriage.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
But you're like, my wife, my wife was so marriage.
Speaker 4 (03:47):
Okay, But yeah, I do call her my wife, so
it's perfectly okay.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Okay, So you're so you're we'll just call it your wife,
will just call the marriage and your wife for this, Okay,
you're together.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
What was the moment that you realized that there was trouble.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
So, you know, so we were together almost eight years
by twenty twenty four. We were together almost eight years
at that point, and for the most part, I'd say
we had a very good relationship. We had a lot
of last There was a lot of love there. We
really didn't have any major issues. Like, there was no
financial issues, there wasn't drug addiction, there wasn't infidelity, there
wasn't any of that stuff that a lot of times
are blatantly obvious reasons to maybe consider divorce, right, So,
(04:29):
but there were minor problems. It was, you know, some
of this, some of that, you know, little fights here
and there. A lot of our problems came in when
my son was born and we began to parent differently.
We have different ideas on the parenting styles. The COVID
thing put some extra stress being in the house, you know,
twenty four to seven, all those things kind of worked
together at that time, they begin to dissolve the relationship
a little bit, you know. But again, never felt like
(04:51):
even in twenty twenty four, even though we had some problems,
never felt like there was a like we were maybe
gonna not work it out right. So, but in twenty
twenty four early twenty twenty four February, we had another
fight with my really about parenting styles and uh, and
that began to trigger some really you know, uh the
downfall that would ultimately lead to a restraining order pretty
(05:14):
much the end of the relationship. And you know, this
whole episode that really went from I thought pretty good
to rock bottom to figuring a lot of things out,
learning a lot through this experience and then and now
coming out on the other side.
Speaker 4 (05:27):
So it's been it's been quite a.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Journey, amazing.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
So a lot what I've got from that is stuff
from parenting is what caused some of the problems, and
that stems.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
To your earlier life. Like you're younger, you're you're both
of your younger selves, right.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
Yeah, I mean the parenting was I think a trigger.
I mean, there were some of those other things along
the way, but it wasn't anything major. So some of
the again like just communication skills and lack of communication
and maybe you know some some you know, so maybe
lack of trust that here in there, but nothing but
not even like it meaning like it didn't There wasn't
really any of those major issues really wasn't. We didn't
(06:06):
fight very much when we thought it was usually okay,
but once my son was born, it definitely began to
trigger a lot of those things. And as a lot
of relationships can happen, you know, the first few years
are pretty awesome, and then as time goes on, you
begin to really see some of these wounds come out
and play out, and now you're stuck in that relationship
and wondering, why is this not as good as it
was before? Why are we struggling now? Because we're at
(06:28):
a different stage in the relationship sometimes what's called the
power struggle stage, where we're battling in trying to figure out,
you know, who's running the show a little bit, and
dealing with that type of stuff. So it just played
itself out that my son was more of that trigger.
The parenting style was more I think the trigger that
kind of helped us see and became more clear that
we had some differences there. But but yeah, overall, there
(06:48):
was just the little disagreements, little communication stuff, you know,
some boundary issues and some all these things that we're
going to talk about how we're able to fix that.
But ultimately, yeah, those are all the little things that
add up over time and Kendy's ray ladyship.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
So my next question, so then what happened.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Well, so when we first had that big fight in
February twenty twenty four, my wife challenged me to then
get some therapy, and I was like, okay, I'm willing
to do that, but I also suggest that you get
some therapy because let's be honest, we never think it's us.
We always think it's the other person. Right, So here
I am thinking it's her, she's thinking it's me. But okay,
fair enough, let's take a look at this. So I
wound up working with it therapist. She wound up working
(07:25):
with a childhood trauma specialist, and so we both started
seeing some therapists and that was very good, but at
the same time, it kind of added little fuel to
the fire because the emotions that she was, especially when
she would do some childhood trauma work, the emotions were
very heightened. Then she would come home and be triggered
over some little stuff sometimes that were really just and
it would just explode and it was like very hard
to understand. I really didn't understand what was going on.
(07:47):
It seemed almost like she was having a midlife crisis
or some sort of emotional breakdown. And once she started
to really fall apart like that, it triggered my wounds. Now,
my childhood wounds began to play out. My fear of abandonment,
my fear of being alone, my unsafe. Yeah, I didn't
feel safe anymore.
Speaker 4 (08:04):
Where was I going to live?
Speaker 3 (08:06):
Was how I was going to keep the family together,
and all this stuff that one of my greatest fears
was to, you know, not be able to parent my
son and be in his life the other way my
father was not there, right, so I will always just
wanted to be there for my son. Now I was
seeing this come out and I thought, wow, maybe maybe
this isn't gonna work out the way I was hoping for, right,
And it was very scary. So it triggered my wounds.
And between the two of us, we just began to
(08:27):
get the emotional clashes that were just heightened because of
our emotional baggage and triggers, the subconscious triggers that were
going on.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
And we didn't fully understand it, you know.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
And I learned later why that happens and how that happens,
but at the time I had no idea and it
just didn't make sense.
Speaker 4 (08:42):
Yeah, it was very painful stuff.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
So what happened? So what did you do with all that?
Speaker 4 (08:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (08:48):
So, unfortunately it would evolve so much so that eventually
my wife would put a restraining order against me in
early June. And when that restraining order happened, I was done.
I said, Okay, I just felt like the release was over.
I can't fix this. My immediate reaction was I was
going to move back to Florida and just you know,
deal with parenting from afar. But I had a good
(09:10):
friend of mine when it's first happened, that was on
the phone with him, and God blessed like I was
good timing. But he literally says to me, he says,
what do you mean you can't leave Massachusetts? You you
you know my father abandoned me. Your father abandoned you.
Look at all the stuff we're dealing with because of that.
He says, you can't abandon your son. And I said,
you're right, I can't. And so at that point I
knew I was stuck. I had to stay here in Massachusetts.
(09:30):
Didn't matter if I was going to live on the street,
it didn't matter. I had to find a way to
make it work. But as soon as I started again,
oh he's my best friend. But so that that that
began a process where once I made the commitment to
stay though, it's amazing how things really fell in line
for me and everything began to line up. Man, God,
(09:51):
God just took me under his wing and said I
got you.
Speaker 4 (09:53):
Within it.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
I was able to find a place to stay the
first week, just a random stranger's house right that that,
you know, out of the blue, Craigslist the thing. So
the first week I had a place to lay my head.
But it was obvious that that wasn't going to be
a healthy place.
Speaker 4 (10:05):
For me long term. So I got back on the phone.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
I started calling all my friends, all my connections that
I did have, and I didn't have many in Massachusetts
because I'm not from here, but the few that I did,
I reached out again, and by chance, a friend of
mine named Bob happened to have a two bedroom apartment
and he had a spare room and he says, yeah,
come stay with me. I was like, wow, are you serious?
He says, yeah, it's all yours. So it was a
(10:28):
mile from my house. So literally, you know, now I
can't see my kid, I can't talk to my wife,
but at least I'm closed, by God forbid something crazy happens.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
I'm closed, but enough, And that was pretty cool.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
So, as it turns out, Bob was also dealing with
a divorce, and Bob was really really hurting. I was hurting,
and but I was kind of dealing with it in
a positive way. I was kind of moving forward, learning
some things, going to take this thing by the by
the horns and grow from it. And Bob was kind
of on that falling apart side, where, you know, but
we're able to help each other. We're able to be
there for each other and work through this thing. And
(10:58):
it was really an amazing experience to be able to
have that time with Bob and help each other through that.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Well, someone was working some magic up there, right for
all this to happen to you, for sure, right for
just for you, well your friend, first of all, to say,
you're not leaving look at what happened, you know, remember
our childhood, and you're not leaving your son. And then
for this place to open up for you to you know,
lay your head for a while while you figure this out.
That was so close to your son. That was the beginning.
(11:27):
We're going to take a very quick break for one
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and we're going to talk about integrated attachment theory.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
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We're back, Okay, So when did you first learn about
integrated attachment theory and how did it resonate with you
and what it doesn't mean?
Speaker 4 (13:06):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (13:06):
So I actually first started to learn about integrated attachment
theory about a month or so before the restraining order hoppits.
So towards the end of that period, I came across
a woman named Tys Gibson. She did a really great
podcast on Mel Robbins, Mel Robbins out of Boston and
Love Mel.
Speaker 4 (13:24):
So here I am.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
I watched this video with Tys Gibson and she explained
the four different attachment styles. And when she explained that,
I realized, Wow, there's some real knowledge in here. I
saw my wife as more that dismissal avoidant. At the time,
I felt more like I was the anxious, but it
made some sense and I started to say, Wow, what's
going on here?
Speaker 4 (13:40):
And I got really into it.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
I was just delved into this idea, wanted to learn
more about it, and I love her work because the
thing I love about the Integrated Attachment Theory program that
Tys Gibson created is attachment theory has been around really
since the seventies ish, right, but it just gives you
an idea of like what is your attachment style. Whereas
(14:02):
what she did is she began to say, Okay, now
that we know our attachment style, how do we then
begin to fix that. How do we begin to do
the work necessary to now fix the attachment styles and
work together to kind of heal. And that's where she
put this incredible program together, and that's where I really
got deep into it. And I just decided, no matter what,
I was going to focus on this work and learn
as much as possible how to change myself, how to
(14:24):
get better and have a great relationship with somebody. I
didn't know what was going to happen. I just knew
I wanted to have a great relationship with somebody, and
you know, and that was where I was at.
Speaker 4 (14:33):
That was my idea.
Speaker 3 (14:34):
So an amazing work that she came up with, and
I'd be happy to share that a little bit if
you want to talk about that program for sure.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Oh, I absolutely wanted. So you were.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
So now you're at this place right down the street
from your son and you're working on this. Yeah, and
what happened next is I mean.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
Just miracle after miracle really So unfortunately my son was
put on the restraining roorder as well. So I wasn't
able to see my son or my wife for a
couple of months, and and that was painful. But I
had to take my wife to court just for visitation
and so, but I had no idea what was going
on in her head. I had no idea what she
was thinking, if she was dating somebody else, if she
was hated me, love me.
Speaker 4 (15:10):
No idea. But it didn't matter at that point.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
At that point, all that mattered was getting my life
together and moving forward. I had to accept it for
what it was. I took it at face value that
it was over, I'm moving on. But the work happened,
and so as I began to learn and study these
things and just you know, put one foot forward in
front of the next.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
Things just happened.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
The integrat Attachment Theory Program TYS offers a coaching program,
and so I decided to delve into that and say, Okay,
I'd love to be a coach if possible, but even
if not, I just wanted.
Speaker 4 (15:37):
To continue to learn the system.
Speaker 3 (15:38):
So I decided to take the coaching program, and I
learned the six major you know, six elements of the
integrated Attachment Theory program, which are your core wounds. Working
on your core wounds, your needs, your emotions, your boundaries,
your communication, and your behaviors. Those are the six and
when we work on all six of those core elements
(15:59):
of a relayationship, it really can help heal and begin
to provide some miracles and changes can happen, Real changes
can happen. And that's ultimately what happened for us. As
my wife did come back into the picture, you know,
a few months after and we finally got the restraining
order off, the work I had done began to show itself,
and the work that she had done on her side,
you know, also began to play out. So we were
(16:20):
able to kind of come together and now have a
second chance to work on this relationship. I would say,
we're not trying to fix the old relationship. We actually
have a brand new relationship. It is completely different than
what we had before, and it's a fantastic relationship today.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
So that's so two things.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
I want you to back up and say, how did
you guys reconnect? Because that wasn't clear to like had
I know you were working on yourself, and obviously she
was working on herself, but you weren't like talking, So
how did you?
Speaker 2 (16:48):
How did that happen?
Speaker 1 (16:49):
And then another thing is I love what you said
about you don't talk about the past because to me,
and I'm not saying anything bad about therapy, but I
feel like sometimes they can keep you in the past.
It like it keeps rehashing things and it doesn't let
you move over, move on. So that's why this is
one of the things. And I've read a lot about
this integrated attachment theory and other like aspects of coaching
(17:13):
that I love because it's like, let's move let's go on,
let's let's don't hash the old stuff, let's just begin
from here.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
And I think that's so helpful.
Speaker 4 (17:22):
Yeah, for sure. So how did we come back to you? So?
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Yeah, her, I am under the restraining order. Really can't
have any conversations with her, can't talk to anybody like this.
A restraining order is really horrible. I want you to understand.
And just so you know, that restraining order was never physical.
I never physically threatened my wife. It was always just
an emotional It was an emotional safety that she needed.
That's the only reason she put the restraining or on me. So,
but it was emotionally base. So but in the meantime,
(17:47):
I wasn't able to talk to her, see my kid
or I when I finally got visitation rights, I wasn't
able to pick up my son in front of the house.
So I would pull up, my son would jump in
the car, and we would just go off and running.
I wouldn't really say boo to my to my you know, wife,
or anything. I just kind of was moved on. After
a few months of that, or a month or so,
my my buddy says, hey, you know, you know, you
(18:07):
can loosen up a little, you can say hello, you
can just wave to her something, you know, friendly and Okay.
Speaker 4 (18:11):
So I started just you know, waving a little bit high,
you know whatever.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
And then a few weeks after that, you know, I
was I was able to have.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
A very quick conversation with her, which I'm not supposed
to do, right, but it was very positive and she
really let me know at that time that she was
still in love with me, and I was kind of
like shocked by that. I was taken back, Like I
really wasn't. I was like, wow, you know, she goes, no,
they like you're the only person I want to be
with and this and that. I was like, okay, So
he said, I said, hey, listen, if we want to
talk more, we got to get this going.
Speaker 4 (18:37):
You got to get the restraining motor off.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
So she petitioned the court and ultimately, you know, about
a month and a half after that, we were able
to get the restraining motor off and then from there
really begin to you know, stay together, work together, and
begin to heal the relationship. And it was it was
a really amazing experience to feel that because now the
work that I was doing and the work that she
had been doing, we began to see a lot of
these things and because of the trauma and the pain
(19:00):
that we kind of went through a lot of awarenesses
came out of that that were just amazing, that were
game changers. So as hard as it was and as
brutal as it was, I think sometimes it was a
gift because because it was so painful, we had to
look at it so severely. You know, where sometimes it's like, yeah,
those first few years when you're fighting and it's like, okay,
we'll get through it, you don't really look at it
as much. But when it finally gets to that point
(19:21):
where it's critical, now you have to pay attention. And
that's really what happened for us, is that the critical point,
you know, brought everything out and we were able to
see it clearly now.
Speaker 4 (19:30):
So it was a game changer for that well.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
I think also you were so positive in the fact, well,
this is what happened, this is what I have to do.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
And obviously she was doing the same thing.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
So she was doing work on her end, you were
doing work on your end, and then you guys came
together and you told her about what you were doing,
and I'm sure she told you about what she was doing.
And you know, someone once said to me on this podcast,
you glow from the outside.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
You do too, like you can see all the happiness.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Like I know people can't see you this is but
you do glow from the happiness. So and I could
tell that you're like you feel very complete.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Like.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
Yeah, all the trauma that we went through and the
healing that has happened, I do feel I feel incredibly inside.
I feel more peace, I feel more joy, I feel
all of that, you know.
Speaker 4 (20:20):
I remember at one point, I remember an next girlfriend.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
I was on the phone with her when these when
things were really happening and going bad, I was on
the phone with the next girl. And who my my
wife knows about it is we're just friends. My ex
girlfriend is actually a terminal cancer survivor, and so we
have a great story, great friendship still And but she
looked at me.
Speaker 4 (20:36):
She she was listening to me.
Speaker 3 (20:37):
One day, she says, Brian, you sound like a drug addict,
and and I said, I feel like a drug addict.
Speaker 4 (20:42):
And that was when things were really bad.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
And it hit me hard because I you know, I
realized in a lot of ways, I was still I
was an addict, if you will, just using a different thing.
Speaker 4 (20:51):
Or I was using a relationship.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
I was using a situation to you know, to feel
good about myself, so outside of myself, not really internal stuff, right,
And so that was a game changer because that awareness
really also again allowed me to see that. But all
the stress, all the pain, I would literally have night sweats,
sweating at night, where I never had this before in
my life. All this stuff was coming out of me,
if you will, through this experience. And now I'm on
(21:14):
the back side of all that because of the work,
because of the experience, I am much happier, I am
more peaceful inside. I do have all this joy and
I'm so thankful that you're able to see that. That really
means a lot to me, like that you're able to
see that I glow if you if you will, you.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Know, you're bright, and you're telling your story.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
With you're telling your story, and the smile hasn't left
your face.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Yeah, it's I am I'm very I'm amazed at what
has happened and what God did through all this you
know experience. You know I always talk about now, I
talk about using failure to success, right. So a lot
of times, unfortunately it takes hitting rock bottom sometimes before
we can really see things work through them and and
and then grow from that and have incredible success on
the other side.
Speaker 4 (21:56):
So I always challenge people, if.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
You're down and out right now, whatever it is you're
going through, you're going through that the or you've been
through that divorce, or I'm the other like, whatever it is,
use this opportunity to to for your good, for something
great to come out of this. I'm telling you, this
could be the best thing that ever happens to you.
Is that you break up or you have a time
away or even a divorce, that can change and you
(22:18):
can use this experience to launch you to incredible success.
Speaker 4 (22:21):
I always talk.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
About like a super bawl a super bowl. The harder
and faster it hits the ground, the higher a super
ball can bounce. And that's the way I feel. I
feel like I'm a super Bowl. If I hit the
ground hard and fast, I'm just gonna bounce really high
and use that, you know, for good. And I don't
look at these negative things as punishment anymore. I look
at them as a blessing. You know, I'm becoming stronger
(22:42):
from that, I'm getting wiser from that, I'm learning from that.
And if I healed through that, what a gift, What
an absolute gift.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
And listen, The bigger picture is if you had knock
gone through all that, you would not be here today.
You would not have had this story, you would not
have become a coach, which you are now. You know,
let's talk let's jump into that a little bit. Attachment styles.
How do they show up in relationships?
Speaker 3 (23:07):
Yeah, so the four attachment styles are Number one, there's
a secure attachment style. That's the one we all want
to be. Somebody who's healthy. They know how to set boundaries,
good boundaries, healthy boundaries, They know how to communicate well,
they deal with their emotions as well. Right, they're not
you know, too extreme, and they just that's where we
all want to be. Where they work through some of
their trauma. However it might have been where they had
good parenting, whatever that case was. They've kind of arrived
(23:29):
at that point where they're they're just in a healthy
spot and they're secure.
Speaker 4 (23:33):
Then there's three that are not so secure, and these
are the ones we want to work on.
Speaker 3 (23:36):
So number one is what's called like an anxious preoccupied.
These are people that really value connection and really you know,
want to connect very quickly. Relationships are typically put as
you know, the number one thing in their lives, and
they tend to have wounds that kind of lead us
toward that. So like for me, it was like fear
of abandonment, fear of being alone, you know, fear of
being unsafe. So the connection gives me that safety, gives
(23:58):
me that, you know, comfort and everything. So that's an
anxious preoccupied. On the other side of that is what's
called the dismissive avoidant. Dismissive avoidance typically like a lot
of space. They typically learn how to deal with, you know,
their emotions completely on their own.
Speaker 4 (24:12):
They feel that emotions are sometimes.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
Bad, you know, we just we just kind of hide
those and when we're emotional, we just maybe go to
our room and deal with that stuff. They don't communicate
as well or as quickly. They want again more time.
So sometimes when an anxious be occupied wants to talk
that that dismissive is asking for space. And that's really
what happened to my wife and I. You know, here
I was trying to fix your relationship and talk about it,
and she was kind of like, hey, give me space
so I can think about this through and feel it
(24:35):
out and then we'll come back and deal with it later.
Speaker 4 (24:36):
But not understanding that kind of worked its way through.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
In between those two is what's called a fearful avoidant,
and a fearful avoidant will swing between both of those.
They will swing sometimes to the anxious side where they
create that connection, they have a good connection, and then
maybe next week they're on the flip side where maybe
they're like talking about breaking up and they're isolating and
they're and they're running away in that regard. And so
the fearful avoidant really kind of swings the pendulum between
sometimes anxious or dismissive, and that can depend upon the
(25:03):
partner as well. So in our case, my wife was
more dismissive, so I kind of lean that that caused
me to be a little more anxious. You know, if
somebody is more anxious, that that may cause her dismissive
side to come out more. So sometimes that can play
out for sure.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
So how do you walk people through this?
Speaker 3 (25:16):
Like?
Speaker 2 (25:17):
How how does the coaching work?
Speaker 3 (25:19):
Yeah, so I'd like to go through the six core
elements with them first and foremost. I'm always going to
have you join the Personal Development School, which is what
Tys's school is. There's so much information in there, so
many videos that we can go through and so many
workbooks and stuff that that's what we're going to work through.
It's really her program, but I'm going to work through
it with you and get you, you know, get you
the most out of that program. But what we do
is we talk about again mostly those six core elements,
(25:41):
your core wounds. Okay, we want to discover what those
are are. What are the stories we're telling ourselves in
our brains? You know, is it fear of abandonment? What's
triggering us?
Speaker 4 (25:49):
Right?
Speaker 3 (25:49):
So when we're triggering and we have those emotional you know,
kind of heightened states, what is that telling us? Okay,
am I am I afraid I'm going to be abandoned.
I'm afraid, I'm unsafe, I'm afraid I'm going to be trapped.
Whatever those wounds are, we want to start to discover
those and then work through that. We're going to discover
our needs. We're going to figure out, you know, what
do we truly need? What is the deep down needs,
not just the little service, Like what is my need
(26:10):
to you know, my need for connection, my need for
you know, contribution in life? Like you know, that's a
big one for me where I really like I love
to contribute. I love to feel like I'm helping people, right,
So that's but we want to discover our true needs.
Then we want to deal with our emotions, learn how
to handle our emotions, and utilize the emotions for information.
Emotions are really just information, whether they're positive or negative.
(26:30):
So the positive ones are telling us, hey, this is great,
this is stuff I love, this is stuff I.
Speaker 4 (26:33):
Want more of.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
The negative ones are to say, Okay, something's wrong here,
that's broken, what's going on there? How can I then
kind of you know, use that to figure out what's
wrong and then fix that so I can have more
of the positive right. And then the boundaries, Okay, we're
going to talk about you know, what are the boundaries
I really need.
Speaker 4 (26:48):
Like for me, if I need to see.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
Somebody, Let's say I'm dating and I really want to
see somebody at least two or three times a week,
but my dismissive avoidant maybe wants to see me once
a week or every other week. You know, I may
have to set a boundaries and say, look, it's important
for me to at least, you know, twice a week, right,
And so maybe we meet in the middle where it's like, okay,
am I dismissive. But once you know, once a week,
I want three times a week. Let's go to two
and make it somewhere in the middle and utilize it.
(27:10):
But certain boundaries need to be you know, set, not
so extreme where they're just unobtainable and just obtuse and
like ridiculous, but also no boundaries where sometimes an actus
p occupied has no boundaries and that's not healthy either.
And then we want to talk about again our communication.
This one was huge for me and my wife. I
learned a lot about that. In the past, my wife
and I would have conversations right, and I would always
(27:31):
listen to defend myself because I always feel like I'm
being attacked, right, and so I'm listening to defend. And
now instead of that, we do something called holding space,
where my wife gets to talk for five or ten minutes.
I look her right in the eye, we stare at
each other. She talks for five or ten minutes completely uninterrupted.
I get to just listen and try to really hear her.
What is she really trying to share with me? I
(27:52):
want to see this woman, I want to see who
she is, what she's her thoughts are. And now I
listen to understand, not to defend, and once she's done,
I then get my five or ten minutes to do
the same where I get to talk uninterrupted, shared my thoughts,
my feelings, my opinions and all that, and we don't
have to agree. We can sometimes disagree, and sometimes this
can even trigger a little bit, but if it does,
(28:12):
we just back up a little bit, We take a
little space, give each other, and then we can reconvene
and take this conversation again when it's healthy again. But
when we do it that way, it keeps us from
having these really terrible fights and disagreements stuff, and we
actually learn from each other. It's amazing. And then, last,
but not least, is our behaviors. How do we change
some of our behaviors?
Speaker 4 (28:29):
What are some coping mechanisms we can do?
Speaker 3 (28:31):
So if I am triggered, how do I then maybe
I go for a walk, maybe I go to the gym,
maybe I.
Speaker 4 (28:35):
Go do some yoga.
Speaker 3 (28:37):
How do I change just the way I'm acting and
behaving when I am triggered so that I can now
hold myself in a respectful manner where that spouse can say, Wow,
that guy has it together.
Speaker 4 (28:46):
You know, he knows you know, I can be emotional.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
It's okay, we all have emotions, But how do I
then handle my emotions in a way that's not out
of control, over the top, you know, and causing more problems?
Speaker 4 (28:57):
That to me, is the core of this.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
If you can work on all these six core elements,
you're often running with any relationship, and that's not just
to your spouse. That can work with your family members,
your friends, your coworkers.
Speaker 4 (29:08):
It really does go into every area of our life.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
What was the moment that you said, I think I'm
going to do this. I'm going to be a coach.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
I think I'm going to do it integrated attachment theory,
I'm gonna become a coach.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
What was that moment?
Speaker 3 (29:22):
Probably I don't know the exact moment, but I would say,
as my wife and I so, I was already going
through the program and I already kind of finished that
when well, actually I was in the middle of it
when my wife and I did.
Speaker 4 (29:30):
Start to get together.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
And then as I finished the program and things developed
between my wife and I, I just felt that calling
for me. I felt like our story was so powerful,
and as we continue to work and just get better
and healthier and healthier again. One of my needs I
discovered really through the program is that need for contribution.
I was a personal trainer for many years that was
in the fitness industry. I love helping people get physically fit.
(29:54):
It was very rewarding. And now I realized, like, Okay,
I missed that. I miss helping people that say something
that's important to me. And instead of getting them physically fit,
now I want to get you emotionally fit. I want
to get your relationship. Yeah, I want to get mostly
that emotion, but that I want the relationships to heal.
Because I say this, I feel like there's nothing worse
in the world than losing the person you love simply
(30:17):
because you don't have the tools to fix it and
to work through it. That is really painful. It's the
love is there. You care about each other, but you
don't know how to make it work. And that's really
really painful. And that's where I want to share this
because there are answers out there we can work and
it sometimes no matter what, things do, fall apart. It's unfortunate.
But even if that does come to that point, like
(30:37):
how do I then at least learn from it for
the next one and take this information and make it
a positive that I can grow from in that. You know,
So the next relationship whatever, whether it's my spouse coming
back and we're having a new relationship together like my
wife and I are able to do, or a brand
new person coming into your life, how can I have
a healthy, happy, good relationship with the people around me?
Speaker 2 (30:55):
You know, do you guys talk about it?
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Like do you say, like, look at us, like look
for we were and look what's happening now?
Speaker 2 (31:02):
You guys like when you talk about that, what do
you say?
Speaker 3 (31:05):
Because I'm yeah, yeah, sometimes I think we just look
at you and go, well, it's pretty amazing, Like no doubt.
We know that we are very blessed that we were
very lucky to have had this journey the way we
have had it happen. Not everybody gets this type of experience.
But I don't know. I you know, for me, I'm
I'm a man of faith.
Speaker 4 (31:25):
I believe in God.
Speaker 3 (31:26):
I believe God had a purpose for this for me
and for us, and it wasn't to hurt us.
Speaker 4 (31:30):
It was to actually bless us. And that's what he's done.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
Like so now we look at each other, we're like
This is amazing, Like, we connect in so much better now,
the conversation we have, the way we parent on the
we're parenting is is better. Now we're on the same
page more on the parenting style, and it's just amazing.
So yeah, we definitely kind of pinch ourselves sometimes, and
says his real and and here's.
Speaker 4 (31:53):
The other thing.
Speaker 3 (31:53):
I always say, not to be a negative, but I
always say, listen, my wife and I we choose each
other every day. Now, we choose being each other's lives.
We don't have to be We can walk out. I
can walk out the door tomorrow, she can walk out.
It can happen. Now.
Speaker 4 (32:04):
We don't want that to happen.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
That's I don't think that would happen, but it can happen,
and if it does, it's okay. I'm not here to
control her. I'm not here to force her to spend
her life with me. And if she were to walk out,
I would wish her well. I want to bless her.
I hope that she has a great life. And I
know that I'm gonna be okay too. I know that
the tools I have, the skills I have in my
life that I would if it was to happen that way,
(32:27):
I would move on with my life too.
Speaker 4 (32:28):
So that's where we're at it.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
It's just that we now have the tools we do together,
Like why would we want to choose somebody new when
we have something that works really well now and works
great between us, Like it's an amazing, amazing experience and truly.
Speaker 4 (32:40):
Blessed by it.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
And yeah, so we definitely got to pinch ourselves sometimes
on that.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
That's like several rewrites in your story, right, we.
Speaker 4 (32:50):
May have to change the name of the show to
you know, right, be right, right, No.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
But that's the thing.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
It's like you're you continue You're going to continue to
rewrite your story. You know, all of my guests are
going to continue to rewrite their story in life. I
hope we continue to do that because we get to
do that. We get to choose that. Like you said,
you choose to be with your wife, You choose to
if you could leave the list our listeners, my listeners
with one hopeful takeaway, what would that be?
Speaker 3 (33:18):
Yeah? I always say that, Man, I don't care how
bad it looks. I don't care how bad it looks.
There's always a chance that things can turn around, and
that everything that you're going through all this pain and
hurt and the and the stuff that feels like you're
being punished, feels like you're struggling. That it's all there
to make you stronger, to make you better, to to
you know, to launch you to a success point.
Speaker 4 (33:39):
It's not to hurt you. It's not.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
But we do have to do our part and take
the steps necessary to allow that to happen. I always say,
they call it a break up, not a breakdown. We're
going to break up. We're going to break and level up.
Speaker 4 (33:50):
Now.
Speaker 3 (33:50):
If we choose to break down, that's on us. We
can break down and now we're going to have that
really bigger, bigger mess. But if we choose to break
up and accept that, we can level up do some
great things. And as far as you know, if I
am still in love with my life and vice versa there,
then we can work through that and a restraining order
a divorce.
Speaker 4 (34:10):
I've seen it happen, not just with me.
Speaker 3 (34:11):
My story is certainly there, but I've seen many stories
where people get divorced and sometimes hear later is they
fix these things.
Speaker 4 (34:17):
It can happen, But the key is to do the work.
Speaker 3 (34:19):
Because I always say if I did the work and
she didn't, then we wouldn't really work out. If she
did the work and I didn't, then we wouldn't work out.
Or if neither one of us did any work and
we did get back together, it would have just exploded again.
But because we both were willing to take this step
and work on ourselves, now, that's how it works the best.
And so but there's always hope. And if you want to,
you can go to my website. It's make your Relationship
(34:41):
Fail dot com or my Relationship Fail dot com and
you can join the Personal Development School through my website.
And when you do that, I'm going to give you
a free session with me. I'm going to be able
to talk to you. We'll hear about your story, see
where you're at, see if I can give you some
pointers and point you in a good direction as to
how to get the most out of the program, and
really want you in that way. Now, if you decide
(35:01):
to continue to work with me, that's great. I'm happy
to take you on. If you feel like you don't
need that and you're happy on your own and by
all means, I'm happy to just get you going in
the right direction.
Speaker 4 (35:10):
That's my goal. I don't care what it takes. I
just want to help people and whatever that is.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Yeah, and I'm sure when you see First of all,
I'm sure the people that you coach love your story
because it is it is a rewrite and it is
a beautiful story. And it's like, you know, your marriage
to completely fail, to a restraining order, to happier and
healthier and better than it's ever been. And then to
you doing this work because of it, because you wouldn't
be doing this work if it wasn't for all that
(35:35):
stuff that happened.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
Absolutely, So it's pretty amazing.
Speaker 1 (35:39):
So the couples that the people, the individuals and the
couples and who you coach, I'm sure that's so meaningful.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
You meaningful for you to see this, to see them right.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (35:51):
I like to think so.
Speaker 3 (35:52):
I like to think my story gives some people some
hope and willingness to say, okay, yeah like it, you know,
totally done and out. It doesn't matter, man, it can
turn around, and it can turn around fast. In my case,
I'm very lucky. My mine was a few months. I
have another friend of mine who was a very similar situation.
Him and his wife were separated sixteen months and now
they're back together after sixteen months and they are doing
(36:14):
really well, and I'm so happy for him.
Speaker 4 (36:16):
It's amazing, like that's the stuff that can happen.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
But again, we're talking about having some faith to do
the work and the willingness to humble ourselves, and it's
pretty humbling sometimes to have to go through that. It
was very humbling, but but when that happened, you just
take those steps and trust that it's going to be okay.
Speaker 4 (36:32):
On the other side. Again, I'm very fortunate that my
wife came back and we were able to work on
it together.
Speaker 3 (36:37):
But even if it didn't, the work I was doing
was going to be a blessing to me somewhere down
the road.
Speaker 4 (36:43):
I just knew it.
Speaker 3 (36:44):
It wasn't even an if it was a definite. It
was just, you know, question of when, whatever you know,
But absolutely, well.
Speaker 1 (36:50):
Your story is when for the books, it's certainly it's
certainly a beautiful rewrite. And I'm so happy for you
and I love the work that you're doing, so thank
you so much.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
Brian Power.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
His website is www dot My Relationship Failed dot com.
It'll all be up on all the social media I'd
love to have you back again.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
And maybe you can bring one of your six one
or two or of your success stories back on, back
on the show.
Speaker 3 (37:15):
Sure we can do that. Or I can bring my
wife on. Maybe we'll we'll heal.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
I would love to hear her story too, her side.
Speaker 4 (37:22):
You you have said that. Thank you so much, Brian,
Thanks again so much.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
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com or call two O three five five seven nine
five zero zero
Welcome to The Rewrite, a podcast about divorce, choice and
new beginnings. I'm your host Wendy Sloan, former TV producer,
mom of two and one sweet golden retriever. This is
a space for real talk about the moments that break us,
the choices that define us, and the power we have
to begin again. You'll hear personal stories, heartfelt insights, and
(00:22):
honest conversations about healing relationships and reclaiming your life one
choice at a time. I'll be joined by experts in divorce, finance,
mental health, wellness and more and everything you need to
support your next chapter. The most powerful chapters might be
the ones you write next. Let's begin your rewrite together.
This episode is brought to in part by the Needle
(00:44):
Kuda Law Firm guidance that moves lives forward.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Welcome back to the Rewrite.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I'm your host Wendy Sloan, and today is a conversation
you will not want to miss.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
My guest has lived through a marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
We'll talk about that that face some of its hardest
moments and then came out the other side. What began
is only stable marriage relationship inspired onto a painful split
that included a restraining order, and somehow through it all
led to the strongest connection he and his partner wife
were I'm gonna we talked about, We're.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Going to get into all that I've ever known.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
His story is raw, honest, and a reminder that sometimes
the most dramatic chapters can be the turning points that
reshape everything in our life.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Welcome to my show, Brian.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Power, Wendy. Thanks so much for having me. I'm really
excited to be here today. You know, we'll talk about
that here in a second, but I do want to say, like,
I'm really thankful and honored that you would have me
today to share my story. I hope that your listeners
are going to get something of value out of the
story that we'll tell today. And but I've listened to
some of your podcasts. I really enjoy your work, so
(01:45):
I'm excited.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Oh I appreciate that. That means a lot. Thank you
so much.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
And I kept saying marriage relationship because I thought they
were married. It were so or so when I read it,
But you're actually not. So let's start, Brian, Actually, let's
start from the beginning. Tell us about you, and then
tell us about your marriage relationship.
Speaker 4 (02:02):
And explain the marriage thing. Absolutely a little bit about me,
I mean, for me. I grew up.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
I was born in nineteen sixty nine. My mom was
twenty one years old. My brother was already there, so
twenty one years old. My mom was divorced a few
months after I was born. So I was raised by
a single mom who had two boys to raise in
the seventies basically, and my father dealt with drug addiction
and battle debt side of everything.
Speaker 4 (02:26):
And so I moved around a lot in my early childhood.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
And a lot of a lot of our trauma, a
lot of our wounds that we deal with in life
really come from our childhood. And the first seven years
could be very valuable to the experience for a child
and how we develop. Right, So my early years were
really kind of in a sense dysfunctional. So a lot
of my trauma really came early on in my life,
and that would play out throughout my adult life here
(02:49):
and ultimately, and I'll tell you the story about twenty
twenty four between my wife and I, and she also
came through very dysfunctional childhood and a lot of trauma,
a lot of issues there, and so between the two
of us, you know, we found each other.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
We we kind of had this relationship.
Speaker 3 (03:04):
Going on, but underlying all everything was this trauma that
we didn't realize was kind of playing out in our
lives and would ultimately come to a head in twenty
twenty four.
Speaker 4 (03:12):
That's the beginning of the story. Real quick.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
You know, I talked about the marriage thing. Yeah, I'm
not technically married. My wife and I did get engaged
in twenty nineteen, and then twenty twenty, of course, COVID
happened and everything kind of shut down, so we kind
of put the marriage on the back burner. But I've
been calling her my wife ever since we've gotten engaged,
so I consider her my wife, right and ultimately, now
that we're kind of working through some things, we're talking
(03:37):
about actually getting that done. So that's why we're Wendy
and I are laughing a little bit while we say marriage.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
But you're like, my wife, my wife was so marriage.
Speaker 4 (03:47):
Okay, But yeah, I do call her my wife, so
it's perfectly okay.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Okay, So you're so you're we'll just call it your wife,
will just call the marriage and your wife for this, Okay,
you're together.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
What was the moment that you realized that there was trouble.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
So, you know, so we were together almost eight years
by twenty twenty four. We were together almost eight years
at that point, and for the most part, I'd say
we had a very good relationship. We had a lot
of last There was a lot of love there. We
really didn't have any major issues. Like, there was no
financial issues, there wasn't drug addiction, there wasn't infidelity, there
wasn't any of that stuff that a lot of times
are blatantly obvious reasons to maybe consider divorce, right, So,
(04:29):
but there were minor problems. It was, you know, some
of this, some of that, you know, little fights here
and there. A lot of our problems came in when
my son was born and we began to parent differently.
We have different ideas on the parenting styles. The COVID
thing put some extra stress being in the house, you know,
twenty four to seven, all those things kind of worked
together at that time, they begin to dissolve the relationship
a little bit, you know. But again, never felt like
(04:51):
even in twenty twenty four, even though we had some problems,
never felt like there was a like we were maybe
gonna not work it out right. So, but in twenty
twenty four early twenty twenty four February, we had another
fight with my really about parenting styles and uh, and
that began to trigger some really you know, uh the
downfall that would ultimately lead to a restraining order pretty
(05:14):
much the end of the relationship. And you know, this
whole episode that really went from I thought pretty good
to rock bottom to figuring a lot of things out,
learning a lot through this experience and then and now
coming out on the other side.
Speaker 4 (05:27):
So it's been it's been quite a.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Journey, amazing.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
So a lot what I've got from that is stuff
from parenting is what caused some of the problems, and
that stems.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
To your earlier life. Like you're younger, you're you're both
of your younger selves, right.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
Yeah, I mean the parenting was I think a trigger.
I mean, there were some of those other things along
the way, but it wasn't anything major. So some of
the again like just communication skills and lack of communication
and maybe you know some some you know, so maybe
lack of trust that here in there, but nothing but
not even like it meaning like it didn't There wasn't
really any of those major issues really wasn't. We didn't
(06:06):
fight very much when we thought it was usually okay,
but once my son was born, it definitely began to
trigger a lot of those things. And as a lot
of relationships can happen, you know, the first few years
are pretty awesome, and then as time goes on, you
begin to really see some of these wounds come out
and play out, and now you're stuck in that relationship
and wondering, why is this not as good as it
was before? Why are we struggling now? Because we're at
(06:28):
a different stage in the relationship sometimes what's called the
power struggle stage, where we're battling in trying to figure out,
you know, who's running the show a little bit, and
dealing with that type of stuff. So it just played
itself out that my son was more of that trigger.
The parenting style was more I think the trigger that
kind of helped us see and became more clear that
we had some differences there. But but yeah, overall, there
(06:48):
was just the little disagreements, little communication stuff, you know,
some boundary issues and some all these things that we're
going to talk about how we're able to fix that.
But ultimately, yeah, those are all the little things that
add up over time and Kendy's ray ladyship.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
So my next question, so then what happened.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Well, so when we first had that big fight in
February twenty twenty four, my wife challenged me to then
get some therapy, and I was like, okay, I'm willing
to do that, but I also suggest that you get
some therapy because let's be honest, we never think it's us.
We always think it's the other person. Right, So here
I am thinking it's her, she's thinking it's me. But okay,
fair enough, let's take a look at this. So I
wound up working with it therapist. She wound up working
(07:25):
with a childhood trauma specialist, and so we both started
seeing some therapists and that was very good, but at
the same time, it kind of added little fuel to
the fire because the emotions that she was, especially when
she would do some childhood trauma work, the emotions were
very heightened. Then she would come home and be triggered
over some little stuff sometimes that were really just and
it would just explode and it was like very hard
to understand. I really didn't understand what was going on.
(07:47):
It seemed almost like she was having a midlife crisis
or some sort of emotional breakdown. And once she started
to really fall apart like that, it triggered my wounds. Now,
my childhood wounds began to play out. My fear of abandonment,
my fear of being alone, my unsafe. Yeah, I didn't
feel safe anymore.
Speaker 4 (08:04):
Where was I going to live?
Speaker 3 (08:06):
Was how I was going to keep the family together,
and all this stuff that one of my greatest fears
was to, you know, not be able to parent my
son and be in his life the other way my
father was not there, right, so I will always just
wanted to be there for my son. Now I was
seeing this come out and I thought, wow, maybe maybe
this isn't gonna work out the way I was hoping for, right,
And it was very scary. So it triggered my wounds.
And between the two of us, we just began to
(08:27):
get the emotional clashes that were just heightened because of
our emotional baggage and triggers, the subconscious triggers that were
going on.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
And we didn't fully understand it, you know.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
And I learned later why that happens and how that happens,
but at the time I had no idea and it
just didn't make sense.
Speaker 4 (08:42):
Yeah, it was very painful stuff.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
So what happened? So what did you do with all that?
Speaker 4 (08:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (08:48):
So, unfortunately it would evolve so much so that eventually
my wife would put a restraining order against me in
early June. And when that restraining order happened, I was done.
I said, Okay, I just felt like the release was over.
I can't fix this. My immediate reaction was I was
going to move back to Florida and just you know,
deal with parenting from afar. But I had a good
(09:10):
friend of mine when it's first happened, that was on
the phone with him, and God blessed like I was
good timing. But he literally says to me, he says,
what do you mean you can't leave Massachusetts? You you
you know my father abandoned me. Your father abandoned you.
Look at all the stuff we're dealing with because of that.
He says, you can't abandon your son. And I said,
you're right, I can't. And so at that point I
knew I was stuck. I had to stay here in Massachusetts.
(09:30):
Didn't matter if I was going to live on the street,
it didn't matter. I had to find a way to
make it work. But as soon as I started again,
oh he's my best friend. But so that that that
began a process where once I made the commitment to
stay though, it's amazing how things really fell in line
for me and everything began to line up. Man, God,
(09:51):
God just took me under his wing and said I
got you.
Speaker 4 (09:53):
Within it.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
I was able to find a place to stay the
first week, just a random stranger's house right that that,
you know, out of the blue, Craigslist the thing. So
the first week I had a place to lay my head.
But it was obvious that that wasn't going to be
a healthy place.
Speaker 4 (10:05):
For me long term. So I got back on the phone.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
I started calling all my friends, all my connections that
I did have, and I didn't have many in Massachusetts
because I'm not from here, but the few that I did,
I reached out again, and by chance, a friend of
mine named Bob happened to have a two bedroom apartment
and he had a spare room and he says, yeah,
come stay with me. I was like, wow, are you serious?
He says, yeah, it's all yours. So it was a
(10:28):
mile from my house. So literally, you know, now I
can't see my kid, I can't talk to my wife,
but at least I'm closed, by God forbid something crazy happens.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
I'm closed, but enough, And that was pretty cool.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
So, as it turns out, Bob was also dealing with
a divorce, and Bob was really really hurting. I was hurting,
and but I was kind of dealing with it in
a positive way. I was kind of moving forward, learning
some things, going to take this thing by the by
the horns and grow from it. And Bob was kind
of on that falling apart side, where, you know, but
we're able to help each other. We're able to be
there for each other and work through this thing. And
(10:58):
it was really an amazing experience to be able to
have that time with Bob and help each other through that.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Well, someone was working some magic up there, right for
all this to happen to you, for sure, right for
just for you, well your friend, first of all, to say,
you're not leaving look at what happened, you know, remember
our childhood, and you're not leaving your son. And then
for this place to open up for you to you know,
lay your head for a while while you figure this out.
That was so close to your son. That was the beginning.
(11:27):
We're going to take a very quick break for one
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We're back, Okay, So when did you first learn about
integrated attachment theory and how did it resonate with you
and what it doesn't mean?
Speaker 4 (13:06):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (13:06):
So I actually first started to learn about integrated attachment
theory about a month or so before the restraining order hoppits.
So towards the end of that period, I came across
a woman named Tys Gibson. She did a really great
podcast on Mel Robbins, Mel Robbins out of Boston and
Love Mel.
Speaker 4 (13:24):
So here I am.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
I watched this video with Tys Gibson and she explained
the four different attachment styles. And when she explained that,
I realized, Wow, there's some real knowledge in here. I
saw my wife as more that dismissal avoidant. At the time,
I felt more like I was the anxious, but it
made some sense and I started to say, Wow, what's
going on here?
Speaker 4 (13:40):
And I got really into it.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
I was just delved into this idea, wanted to learn
more about it, and I love her work because the
thing I love about the Integrated Attachment Theory program that
Tys Gibson created is attachment theory has been around really
since the seventies ish, right, but it just gives you
an idea of like what is your attachment style. Whereas
(14:02):
what she did is she began to say, Okay, now
that we know our attachment style, how do we then
begin to fix that. How do we begin to do
the work necessary to now fix the attachment styles and
work together to kind of heal. And that's where she
put this incredible program together, and that's where I really
got deep into it. And I just decided, no matter what,
I was going to focus on this work and learn
as much as possible how to change myself, how to
(14:24):
get better and have a great relationship with somebody. I
didn't know what was going to happen. I just knew
I wanted to have a great relationship with somebody, and
you know, and that was where I was at.
Speaker 4 (14:33):
That was my idea.
Speaker 3 (14:34):
So an amazing work that she came up with, and
I'd be happy to share that a little bit if
you want to talk about that program for sure.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Oh, I absolutely wanted. So you were.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
So now you're at this place right down the street
from your son and you're working on this. Yeah, and
what happened next is I mean.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
Just miracle after miracle really So unfortunately my son was
put on the restraining roorder as well. So I wasn't
able to see my son or my wife for a
couple of months, and and that was painful. But I
had to take my wife to court just for visitation
and so, but I had no idea what was going
on in her head. I had no idea what she
was thinking, if she was dating somebody else, if she
was hated me, love me.
Speaker 4 (15:10):
No idea. But it didn't matter at that point.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
At that point, all that mattered was getting my life
together and moving forward. I had to accept it for
what it was. I took it at face value that
it was over, I'm moving on. But the work happened,
and so as I began to learn and study these
things and just you know, put one foot forward in
front of the next.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
Things just happened.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
The integrat Attachment Theory Program TYS offers a coaching program,
and so I decided to delve into that and say, Okay,
I'd love to be a coach if possible, but even
if not, I just wanted.
Speaker 4 (15:37):
To continue to learn the system.
Speaker 3 (15:38):
So I decided to take the coaching program, and I
learned the six major you know, six elements of the
integrated Attachment Theory program, which are your core wounds. Working
on your core wounds, your needs, your emotions, your boundaries,
your communication, and your behaviors. Those are the six and
when we work on all six of those core elements
(15:59):
of a relayationship, it really can help heal and begin
to provide some miracles and changes can happen, Real changes
can happen. And that's ultimately what happened for us. As
my wife did come back into the picture, you know,
a few months after and we finally got the restraining
order off, the work I had done began to show itself,
and the work that she had done on her side,
you know, also began to play out. So we were
(16:20):
able to kind of come together and now have a
second chance to work on this relationship. I would say,
we're not trying to fix the old relationship. We actually
have a brand new relationship. It is completely different than
what we had before, and it's a fantastic relationship today.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
So that's so two things.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
I want you to back up and say, how did
you guys reconnect? Because that wasn't clear to like had
I know you were working on yourself, and obviously she
was working on herself, but you weren't like talking, So
how did you?
Speaker 2 (16:48):
How did that happen?
Speaker 1 (16:49):
And then another thing is I love what you said
about you don't talk about the past because to me,
and I'm not saying anything bad about therapy, but I
feel like sometimes they can keep you in the past.
It like it keeps rehashing things and it doesn't let
you move over, move on. So that's why this is
one of the things. And I've read a lot about
this integrated attachment theory and other like aspects of coaching
(17:13):
that I love because it's like, let's move let's go on,
let's let's don't hash the old stuff, let's just begin
from here.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
And I think that's so helpful.
Speaker 4 (17:22):
Yeah, for sure. So how did we come back to you? So?
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Yeah, her, I am under the restraining order. Really can't
have any conversations with her, can't talk to anybody like this.
A restraining order is really horrible. I want you to understand.
And just so you know, that restraining order was never physical.
I never physically threatened my wife. It was always just
an emotional It was an emotional safety that she needed.
That's the only reason she put the restraining or on me. So,
but it was emotionally base. So but in the meantime,
(17:47):
I wasn't able to talk to her, see my kid
or I when I finally got visitation rights, I wasn't
able to pick up my son in front of the house.
So I would pull up, my son would jump in
the car, and we would just go off and running.
I wouldn't really say boo to my to my you know, wife,
or anything. I just kind of was moved on. After
a few months of that, or a month or so,
my my buddy says, hey, you know, you know, you
(18:07):
can loosen up a little, you can say hello, you
can just wave to her something, you know, friendly and Okay.
Speaker 4 (18:11):
So I started just you know, waving a little bit high,
you know whatever.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
And then a few weeks after that, you know, I
was I was able to have.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
A very quick conversation with her, which I'm not supposed
to do, right, but it was very positive and she
really let me know at that time that she was
still in love with me, and I was kind of
like shocked by that. I was taken back, Like I
really wasn't. I was like, wow, you know, she goes, no,
they like you're the only person I want to be
with and this and that. I was like, okay, So
he said, I said, hey, listen, if we want to
talk more, we got to get this going.
Speaker 4 (18:37):
You got to get the restraining motor off.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
So she petitioned the court and ultimately, you know, about
a month and a half after that, we were able
to get the restraining motor off and then from there
really begin to you know, stay together, work together, and
begin to heal the relationship. And it was it was
a really amazing experience to feel that because now the
work that I was doing and the work that she
had been doing, we began to see a lot of
these things and because of the trauma and the pain
(19:00):
that we kind of went through a lot of awarenesses
came out of that that were just amazing, that were
game changers. So as hard as it was and as
brutal as it was, I think sometimes it was a
gift because because it was so painful, we had to
look at it so severely. You know, where sometimes it's like, yeah,
those first few years when you're fighting and it's like, okay,
we'll get through it, you don't really look at it
as much. But when it finally gets to that point
(19:21):
where it's critical, now you have to pay attention. And
that's really what happened for us, is that the critical point,
you know, brought everything out and we were able to
see it clearly now.
Speaker 4 (19:30):
So it was a game changer for that well.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
I think also you were so positive in the fact, well,
this is what happened, this is what I have to do.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
And obviously she was doing the same thing.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
So she was doing work on her end, you were
doing work on your end, and then you guys came
together and you told her about what you were doing,
and I'm sure she told you about what she was doing.
And you know, someone once said to me on this podcast,
you glow from the outside.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
You do too, like you can see all the happiness.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Like I know people can't see you this is but
you do glow from the happiness. So and I could
tell that you're like you feel very complete.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Like.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
Yeah, all the trauma that we went through and the
healing that has happened, I do feel I feel incredibly inside.
I feel more peace, I feel more joy, I feel
all of that, you know.
Speaker 4 (20:20):
I remember at one point, I remember an next girlfriend.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
I was on the phone with her when these when
things were really happening and going bad, I was on
the phone with the next girl. And who my my
wife knows about it is we're just friends. My ex
girlfriend is actually a terminal cancer survivor, and so we
have a great story, great friendship still And but she
looked at me.
Speaker 4 (20:36):
She she was listening to me.
Speaker 3 (20:37):
One day, she says, Brian, you sound like a drug addict,
and and I said, I feel like a drug addict.
Speaker 4 (20:42):
And that was when things were really bad.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
And it hit me hard because I you know, I
realized in a lot of ways, I was still I
was an addict, if you will, just using a different thing.
Speaker 4 (20:51):
Or I was using a relationship.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
I was using a situation to you know, to feel
good about myself, so outside of myself, not really internal stuff, right,
And so that was a game changer because that awareness
really also again allowed me to see that. But all
the stress, all the pain, I would literally have night sweats,
sweating at night, where I never had this before in
my life. All this stuff was coming out of me,
if you will, through this experience. And now I'm on
(21:14):
the back side of all that because of the work,
because of the experience, I am much happier, I am
more peaceful inside. I do have all this joy and
I'm so thankful that you're able to see that. That really
means a lot to me, like that you're able to
see that I glow if you if you will, you.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Know, you're bright, and you're telling your story.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
With you're telling your story, and the smile hasn't left
your face.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Yeah, it's I am I'm very I'm amazed at what
has happened and what God did through all this you
know experience. You know I always talk about now, I
talk about using failure to success, right. So a lot
of times, unfortunately it takes hitting rock bottom sometimes before
we can really see things work through them and and
and then grow from that and have incredible success on
the other side.
Speaker 4 (21:56):
So I always challenge people, if.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
You're down and out right now, whatever it is you're
going through, you're going through that the or you've been
through that divorce, or I'm the other like, whatever it is,
use this opportunity to to for your good, for something
great to come out of this. I'm telling you, this
could be the best thing that ever happens to you.
Is that you break up or you have a time
away or even a divorce, that can change and you
(22:18):
can use this experience to launch you to incredible success.
Speaker 4 (22:21):
I always talk.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
About like a super bawl a super bowl. The harder
and faster it hits the ground, the higher a super
ball can bounce. And that's the way I feel. I
feel like I'm a super Bowl. If I hit the
ground hard and fast, I'm just gonna bounce really high
and use that, you know, for good. And I don't
look at these negative things as punishment anymore. I look
at them as a blessing. You know, I'm becoming stronger
(22:42):
from that, I'm getting wiser from that, I'm learning from that.
And if I healed through that, what a gift, What
an absolute gift.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
And listen, The bigger picture is if you had knock
gone through all that, you would not be here today.
You would not have had this story, you would not
have become a coach, which you are now. You know,
let's talk let's jump into that a little bit. Attachment styles.
How do they show up in relationships?
Speaker 3 (23:07):
Yeah, so the four attachment styles are Number one, there's
a secure attachment style. That's the one we all want
to be. Somebody who's healthy. They know how to set boundaries,
good boundaries, healthy boundaries, They know how to communicate well,
they deal with their emotions as well. Right, they're not
you know, too extreme, and they just that's where we
all want to be. Where they work through some of
their trauma. However it might have been where they had
good parenting, whatever that case was. They've kind of arrived
(23:29):
at that point where they're they're just in a healthy
spot and they're secure.
Speaker 4 (23:33):
Then there's three that are not so secure, and these
are the ones we want to work on.
Speaker 3 (23:36):
So number one is what's called like an anxious preoccupied.
These are people that really value connection and really you know,
want to connect very quickly. Relationships are typically put as
you know, the number one thing in their lives, and
they tend to have wounds that kind of lead us
toward that. So like for me, it was like fear
of abandonment, fear of being alone, you know, fear of
being unsafe. So the connection gives me that safety, gives
(23:58):
me that, you know, comfort and everything. So that's an
anxious preoccupied. On the other side of that is what's
called the dismissive avoidant. Dismissive avoidance typically like a lot
of space. They typically learn how to deal with, you know,
their emotions completely on their own.
Speaker 4 (24:12):
They feel that emotions are sometimes.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
Bad, you know, we just we just kind of hide
those and when we're emotional, we just maybe go to
our room and deal with that stuff. They don't communicate
as well or as quickly. They want again more time.
So sometimes when an anxious be occupied wants to talk
that that dismissive is asking for space. And that's really
what happened to my wife and I. You know, here
I was trying to fix your relationship and talk about it,
and she was kind of like, hey, give me space
so I can think about this through and feel it
(24:35):
out and then we'll come back and deal with it later.
Speaker 4 (24:36):
But not understanding that kind of worked its way through.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
In between those two is what's called a fearful avoidant,
and a fearful avoidant will swing between both of those.
They will swing sometimes to the anxious side where they
create that connection, they have a good connection, and then
maybe next week they're on the flip side where maybe
they're like talking about breaking up and they're isolating and
they're and they're running away in that regard. And so
the fearful avoidant really kind of swings the pendulum between
sometimes anxious or dismissive, and that can depend upon the
(25:03):
partner as well. So in our case, my wife was
more dismissive, so I kind of lean that that caused
me to be a little more anxious. You know, if
somebody is more anxious, that that may cause her dismissive
side to come out more. So sometimes that can play
out for sure.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
So how do you walk people through this?
Speaker 3 (25:16):
Like?
Speaker 2 (25:17):
How how does the coaching work?
Speaker 3 (25:19):
Yeah, so I'd like to go through the six core
elements with them first and foremost. I'm always going to
have you join the Personal Development School, which is what
Tys's school is. There's so much information in there, so
many videos that we can go through and so many
workbooks and stuff that that's what we're going to work through.
It's really her program, but I'm going to work through
it with you and get you, you know, get you
the most out of that program. But what we do
is we talk about again mostly those six core elements,
(25:41):
your core wounds. Okay, we want to discover what those
are are. What are the stories we're telling ourselves in
our brains? You know, is it fear of abandonment? What's
triggering us?
Speaker 4 (25:49):
Right?
Speaker 3 (25:49):
So when we're triggering and we have those emotional you know,
kind of heightened states, what is that telling us? Okay,
am I am I afraid I'm going to be abandoned.
I'm afraid, I'm unsafe, I'm afraid I'm going to be trapped.
Whatever those wounds are, we want to start to discover
those and then work through that. We're going to discover
our needs. We're going to figure out, you know, what
do we truly need? What is the deep down needs,
not just the little service, Like what is my need
(26:10):
to you know, my need for connection, my need for
you know, contribution in life? Like you know, that's a
big one for me where I really like I love
to contribute. I love to feel like I'm helping people, right,
So that's but we want to discover our true needs.
Then we want to deal with our emotions, learn how
to handle our emotions, and utilize the emotions for information.
Emotions are really just information, whether they're positive or negative.
(26:30):
So the positive ones are telling us, hey, this is great,
this is stuff I love, this is stuff I.
Speaker 4 (26:33):
Want more of.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
The negative ones are to say, Okay, something's wrong here,
that's broken, what's going on there? How can I then
kind of you know, use that to figure out what's
wrong and then fix that so I can have more
of the positive right. And then the boundaries, Okay, we're
going to talk about you know, what are the boundaries
I really need.
Speaker 4 (26:48):
Like for me, if I need to see.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
Somebody, Let's say I'm dating and I really want to
see somebody at least two or three times a week,
but my dismissive avoidant maybe wants to see me once
a week or every other week. You know, I may
have to set a boundaries and say, look, it's important
for me to at least, you know, twice a week, right,
And so maybe we meet in the middle where it's like, okay,
am I dismissive. But once you know, once a week,
I want three times a week. Let's go to two
and make it somewhere in the middle and utilize it.
(27:10):
But certain boundaries need to be you know, set, not
so extreme where they're just unobtainable and just obtuse and
like ridiculous, but also no boundaries where sometimes an actus
p occupied has no boundaries and that's not healthy either.
And then we want to talk about again our communication.
This one was huge for me and my wife. I
learned a lot about that. In the past, my wife
and I would have conversations right, and I would always
(27:31):
listen to defend myself because I always feel like I'm
being attacked, right, and so I'm listening to defend. And
now instead of that, we do something called holding space,
where my wife gets to talk for five or ten minutes.
I look her right in the eye, we stare at
each other. She talks for five or ten minutes completely uninterrupted.
I get to just listen and try to really hear her.
What is she really trying to share with me? I
(27:52):
want to see this woman, I want to see who
she is, what she's her thoughts are. And now I
listen to understand, not to defend, and once she's done,
I then get my five or ten minutes to do
the same where I get to talk uninterrupted, shared my thoughts,
my feelings, my opinions and all that, and we don't
have to agree. We can sometimes disagree, and sometimes this
can even trigger a little bit, but if it does,
(28:12):
we just back up a little bit, We take a
little space, give each other, and then we can reconvene
and take this conversation again when it's healthy again. But
when we do it that way, it keeps us from
having these really terrible fights and disagreements stuff, and we
actually learn from each other. It's amazing. And then, last,
but not least, is our behaviors. How do we change
some of our behaviors?
Speaker 4 (28:29):
What are some coping mechanisms we can do?
Speaker 3 (28:31):
So if I am triggered, how do I then maybe
I go for a walk, maybe I go to the gym,
maybe I.
Speaker 4 (28:35):
Go do some yoga.
Speaker 3 (28:37):
How do I change just the way I'm acting and
behaving when I am triggered so that I can now
hold myself in a respectful manner where that spouse can say, Wow,
that guy has it together.
Speaker 4 (28:46):
You know, he knows you know, I can be emotional.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
It's okay, we all have emotions, But how do I
then handle my emotions in a way that's not out
of control, over the top, you know, and causing more problems?
Speaker 4 (28:57):
That to me, is the core of this.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
If you can work on all these six core elements,
you're often running with any relationship, and that's not just
to your spouse. That can work with your family members,
your friends, your coworkers.
Speaker 4 (29:08):
It really does go into every area of our life.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
What was the moment that you said, I think I'm
going to do this. I'm going to be a coach.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
I think I'm going to do it integrated attachment theory,
I'm gonna become a coach.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
What was that moment?
Speaker 3 (29:22):
Probably I don't know the exact moment, but I would say,
as my wife and I so, I was already going
through the program and I already kind of finished that
when well, actually I was in the middle of it
when my wife and I did.
Speaker 4 (29:30):
Start to get together.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
And then as I finished the program and things developed
between my wife and I, I just felt that calling
for me. I felt like our story was so powerful,
and as we continue to work and just get better
and healthier and healthier again. One of my needs I
discovered really through the program is that need for contribution.
I was a personal trainer for many years that was
in the fitness industry. I love helping people get physically fit.
(29:54):
It was very rewarding. And now I realized, like, Okay,
I missed that. I miss helping people that say something
that's important to me. And instead of getting them physically fit,
now I want to get you emotionally fit. I want
to get your relationship. Yeah, I want to get mostly
that emotion, but that I want the relationships to heal.
Because I say this, I feel like there's nothing worse
in the world than losing the person you love simply
(30:17):
because you don't have the tools to fix it and
to work through it. That is really painful. It's the
love is there. You care about each other, but you
don't know how to make it work. And that's really
really painful. And that's where I want to share this
because there are answers out there we can work and
it sometimes no matter what, things do, fall apart. It's unfortunate.
But even if that does come to that point, like
(30:37):
how do I then at least learn from it for
the next one and take this information and make it
a positive that I can grow from in that. You know,
So the next relationship whatever, whether it's my spouse coming
back and we're having a new relationship together like my
wife and I are able to do, or a brand
new person coming into your life, how can I have
a healthy, happy, good relationship with the people around me?
Speaker 2 (30:55):
You know, do you guys talk about it?
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Like do you say, like, look at us, like look
for we were and look what's happening now?
Speaker 2 (31:02):
You guys like when you talk about that, what do
you say?
Speaker 3 (31:05):
Because I'm yeah, yeah, sometimes I think we just look
at you and go, well, it's pretty amazing, Like no doubt.
We know that we are very blessed that we were
very lucky to have had this journey the way we
have had it happen. Not everybody gets this type of experience.
But I don't know. I you know, for me, I'm
I'm a man of faith.
Speaker 4 (31:25):
I believe in God.
Speaker 3 (31:26):
I believe God had a purpose for this for me
and for us, and it wasn't to hurt us.
Speaker 4 (31:30):
It was to actually bless us. And that's what he's done.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
Like so now we look at each other, we're like
This is amazing, Like, we connect in so much better now,
the conversation we have, the way we parent on the
we're parenting is is better. Now we're on the same
page more on the parenting style, and it's just amazing.
So yeah, we definitely kind of pinch ourselves sometimes, and
says his real and and here's.
Speaker 4 (31:53):
The other thing.
Speaker 3 (31:53):
I always say, not to be a negative, but I
always say, listen, my wife and I we choose each
other every day. Now, we choose being each other's lives.
We don't have to be We can walk out. I
can walk out the door tomorrow, she can walk out.
It can happen. Now.
Speaker 4 (32:04):
We don't want that to happen.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
That's I don't think that would happen, but it can happen,
and if it does, it's okay. I'm not here to
control her. I'm not here to force her to spend
her life with me. And if she were to walk out,
I would wish her well. I want to bless her.
I hope that she has a great life. And I
know that I'm gonna be okay too. I know that
the tools I have, the skills I have in my
life that I would if it was to happen that way,
(32:27):
I would move on with my life too.
Speaker 4 (32:28):
So that's where we're at it.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
It's just that we now have the tools we do together,
Like why would we want to choose somebody new when
we have something that works really well now and works
great between us, Like it's an amazing, amazing experience and truly.
Speaker 4 (32:40):
Blessed by it.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
And yeah, so we definitely got to pinch ourselves sometimes
on that.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
That's like several rewrites in your story, right, we.
Speaker 4 (32:50):
May have to change the name of the show to
you know, right, be right, right, No.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
But that's the thing.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
It's like you're you continue You're going to continue to
rewrite your story. You know, all of my guests are
going to continue to rewrite their story in life. I
hope we continue to do that because we get to
do that. We get to choose that. Like you said,
you choose to be with your wife, You choose to
if you could leave the list our listeners, my listeners
with one hopeful takeaway, what would that be?
Speaker 3 (33:18):
Yeah? I always say that, Man, I don't care how
bad it looks. I don't care how bad it looks.
There's always a chance that things can turn around, and
that everything that you're going through all this pain and
hurt and the and the stuff that feels like you're
being punished, feels like you're struggling. That it's all there
to make you stronger, to make you better, to to
you know, to launch you to a success point.
Speaker 4 (33:39):
It's not to hurt you. It's not.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
But we do have to do our part and take
the steps necessary to allow that to happen. I always say,
they call it a break up, not a breakdown. We're
going to break up. We're going to break and level up.
Speaker 4 (33:50):
Now.
Speaker 3 (33:50):
If we choose to break down, that's on us. We
can break down and now we're going to have that
really bigger, bigger mess. But if we choose to break
up and accept that, we can level up do some
great things. And as far as you know, if I
am still in love with my life and vice versa there,
then we can work through that and a restraining order
a divorce.
Speaker 4 (34:10):
I've seen it happen, not just with me.
Speaker 3 (34:11):
My story is certainly there, but I've seen many stories
where people get divorced and sometimes hear later is they
fix these things.
Speaker 4 (34:17):
It can happen, But the key is to do the work.
Speaker 3 (34:19):
Because I always say if I did the work and
she didn't, then we wouldn't really work out. If she
did the work and I didn't, then we wouldn't work out.
Or if neither one of us did any work and
we did get back together, it would have just exploded again.
But because we both were willing to take this step
and work on ourselves, now, that's how it works the best.
And so but there's always hope. And if you want to,
you can go to my website. It's make your Relationship
(34:41):
Fail dot com or my Relationship Fail dot com and
you can join the Personal Development School through my website.
And when you do that, I'm going to give you
a free session with me. I'm going to be able
to talk to you. We'll hear about your story, see
where you're at, see if I can give you some
pointers and point you in a good direction as to
how to get the most out of the program, and
really want you in that way. Now, if you decide
(35:01):
to continue to work with me, that's great. I'm happy
to take you on. If you feel like you don't
need that and you're happy on your own and by
all means, I'm happy to just get you going in
the right direction.
Speaker 4 (35:10):
That's my goal. I don't care what it takes. I
just want to help people and whatever that is.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Yeah, and I'm sure when you see First of all,
I'm sure the people that you coach love your story
because it is it is a rewrite and it is
a beautiful story. And it's like, you know, your marriage
to completely fail, to a restraining order, to happier and
healthier and better than it's ever been. And then to
you doing this work because of it, because you wouldn't
be doing this work if it wasn't for all that
(35:35):
stuff that happened.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
Absolutely, So it's pretty amazing.
Speaker 1 (35:39):
So the couples that the people, the individuals and the
couples and who you coach, I'm sure that's so meaningful.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
You meaningful for you to see this, to see them right.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (35:51):
I like to think so.
Speaker 3 (35:52):
I like to think my story gives some people some
hope and willingness to say, okay, yeah like it, you know,
totally done and out. It doesn't matter, man, it can
turn around, and it can turn around fast. In my case,
I'm very lucky. My mine was a few months. I
have another friend of mine who was a very similar situation.
Him and his wife were separated sixteen months and now
they're back together after sixteen months and they are doing
(36:14):
really well, and I'm so happy for him.
Speaker 4 (36:16):
It's amazing, like that's the stuff that can happen.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
But again, we're talking about having some faith to do
the work and the willingness to humble ourselves, and it's
pretty humbling sometimes to have to go through that. It
was very humbling, but but when that happened, you just
take those steps and trust that it's going to be okay.
Speaker 4 (36:32):
On the other side. Again, I'm very fortunate that my
wife came back and we were able to work on
it together.
Speaker 3 (36:37):
But even if it didn't, the work I was doing
was going to be a blessing to me somewhere down
the road.
Speaker 4 (36:43):
I just knew it.
Speaker 3 (36:44):
It wasn't even an if it was a definite. It
was just, you know, question of when, whatever you know,
But absolutely, well.
Speaker 1 (36:50):
Your story is when for the books, it's certainly it's
certainly a beautiful rewrite. And I'm so happy for you
and I love the work that you're doing, so thank
you so much.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
Brian Power.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
His website is www dot My Relationship Failed dot com.
It'll all be up on all the social media I'd
love to have you back again.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
And maybe you can bring one of your six one
or two or of your success stories back on, back
on the show.
Speaker 3 (37:15):
Sure we can do that. Or I can bring my
wife on. Maybe we'll we'll heal.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
I would love to hear her story too, her side.
Speaker 4 (37:22):
You you have said that. Thank you so much, Brian,
Thanks again so much.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
As Honor Nito Kuda divorce and Family laws attorneys have
guided Connecticut and New York families through complex divorce actions,
contested child custody, and alimony disputes for over thirty years.
Their Connecticut and New York attorneys have extensive experience in
family matters involving substance abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, and
many other X factors that can complicate a divorce. Their
(37:51):
attorneys at deptly managed privacy and reputation concerns inherit to
public divorce proceedings and the related exposure for their ultra
high net worth clients. Find your new path forward, define
your post divorce family, and secure an enforcable agreement to
protect your future with Needlecuda Act. Now put the strength
of their team behind you. Visit them at Needlecuda dot
(38:14):
com or call two O three five five seven nine
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