April 10, 2025 • 29 mins
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🎙 Episode Description:
We’ve all been there—drawn to the man who seems confident, dominant, and in control. But what if that “strength” is just an act? In this episode, I’m pulling back the curtain on performative masculinity—what it looks like, how it manipulates attraction, and why it leads to emotional unavailability and burnout. Here’s what we’ll cover:
🚨 P.S. — Love Unlocked is closing on April 20th (Easter Sunday!)
This is your LAST CHANCE to join before summer. If you're ready to attract a high-value, emotionally available man without burnout or second-guessing yourself, now is the time. ✨ Doors close April 20—click here to apply!
💬 Loved this episode? Screenshot it and tag me on Instagram @therealamandacarroll — I want to hear your biggest takeaway and how you're reconnecting with your future self.
Click Here to Book your free call now!
💡 Join The Single Mom Collective → Get the coaching, community, and tools you need to transform your life. Join now here
💖 Watch the Magnetic Attraction Masterclass (FREE!) → If you’re tired of attracting emotionally unavailable men or wondering why you keep doing everything “right” and still not finding love—this is for you. Learn how to shift your energy, become the woman love can’t resist, and attract a high-value man who shows up. 👉 Watch it here now!
🎙 Episode Description:
We’ve all been there—drawn to the man who seems confident, dominant, and in control. But what if that “strength” is just an act? In this episode, I’m pulling back the curtain on performative masculinity—what it looks like, how it manipulates attraction, and why it leads to emotional unavailability and burnout. Here’s what we’ll cover:
- What performative masculinity actually is
- The 5 biggest red flags to watch for in dating
- Why many women are conditioned to be attracted to it (church, dads, culture—you’ll hear it all)
- What healthy masculinity looks like (and how to tell the difference)
- Why performative femininity is also keeping some of us stuck—and how to stop playing a role in your own love life
🚨 P.S. — Love Unlocked is closing on April 20th (Easter Sunday!)
This is your LAST CHANCE to join before summer. If you're ready to attract a high-value, emotionally available man without burnout or second-guessing yourself, now is the time. ✨ Doors close April 20—click here to apply!
💬 Loved this episode? Screenshot it and tag me on Instagram @therealamandacarroll — I want to hear your biggest takeaway and how you're reconnecting with your future self.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Brave Podcast Network. Is he strong or is he just
pretending like it? This is how to spot performative masculinity.
It's a thing. Real quick, before we dive in, I
have a gift for you. If you're ready to learn
how to date as a single bomb and attract high
value men without chasing or having to settle, I want
(00:21):
to give you my free Magnetic Attraction Masterclass. I will
teach you exactly how to shift your energy, upgrade your standards,
and finally become the woman love can't resist. Watch it
free right now, well after you listen to this episode.
The link is in the show notes for your girl.
So how many times have you mistaken a man's confidence
(00:46):
for just good character, his dominance for devotion, his swagger
for substance. We've all been there. You meet a guy
and he walks in like he owns the place right,
the deep voice, like broad shoulders, big energy. He's got
this effortless alpha male thing going on in your heart
(01:07):
just kind of like skips a bea. It's like whoa,
who is that? But let me ask you something. Is
that attraction or is it conditioning? Today we're pulling back
the curtains on something called performative masculinity, how to spot it,
why it is dangerous, and what we need to look
for instead to find and be with a high value partner.
(01:30):
Because here's the truth. Performative masculinity is when a man
acts a certain way to prove he's manly, rather than
being authentically himself. Cyber truck drivers, Okay, need I say more.
Think of it like a theater performance. He's doing it
for an audience, right, and that audience is you. Now.
(01:51):
Don't get me wrong. Masculinity itself is not the problem.
Healthy masculinity is hot and it's powerful. But when masculine
is just a performance, it leads to relationships that you
don't want. They lack depth, they lack intimacy, and they
lack stability. And if you don't know how to spot it,
(02:12):
you're gonna keep falling for it. So let's get into
how to spot performative masculinity how to run from it today. First,
let's talk about the science of performative masculinity in dating.
Here's how you know he's just putting on a show.
Number one. He's obsessed with proving he's an alpha. Constantly
(02:35):
talks about being leader, a protector, a real man, but
when it's time to show up emotionally absolute crickets. A
high value man doesn't need to tell you he's a man, right,
he just is. Number Two, he views vulnerability as a weakness.
Big red flag. If he brags about never crying other
(03:00):
men for being soft or shuts down emotional conversations, he's
not emotionally mature and you don't want that, girl. Real
strength isn't in hiding emotions. We know that it's in
owning our emotions. Another red flag that he's performing a
performative masculinity is how he treats women. Does he make
(03:24):
a huge show when he opens up a door, when
he pays for dinner and is being a gentleman? Does
he want like extra credit for it? Ask yourself, is
he doing this for you? Or is he doing it
for validation? Or The fourth red flag he overcompensates with aggression.
This is when it gets scary. If he always needs
(03:46):
to be the loudest in the room. My axe is
a loud talker, now I can spot it. Constantly picks
fights with people or sees every other man as competition
with him and for you. He's like a jealous kind
of guy. He's overcompensating because true confidence is quiet, real
strength is controlled, never chaotic. Another red flag that he
(04:11):
is a performative masculinity type he boasts about how women
should behave If he constantly talks about how women need
to be more submissive or should be less independent, he's
not looking for love, girl, He's looking for control, and
you need to run for that. So why are all
(04:33):
of those big deals because so many of us were
raised that that's hot, that's sexy. Here's why performative masculinity
is really dangerous in relationships. First, it creates an emotionally
unavailable partner. If his masculinity is a performance, he's never
going to let you in. He's not able to do that,
(04:55):
and you're always going to feel like you're trying to
earn his approval right. Second, it leads to really toxic
power dynamics. My friend, a relationship isn't supposed to be
about control, it's about the connection, And it teaches your
children the wrong lessons. If you have sons, they learn
(05:18):
that emotions are bad and that's not masculine. And if
you have daughters, they learn to tolerate emotionally closed off
men that that's normal. Is this like a ring in
any bells to childhood? Anyone? It also makes you the caretaker.
You become his emotional support system because he refuses to
(05:41):
open up to anyone else because he's in that performative
male stance and he thinks what makes as a man
is not letting anybody know his weaknesses. We all know
that's toxic. So how do we get through that? You know,
watch out for that control. I want to go back
(06:02):
to one of these items that I talked about about
the toxic power dynamics of a performative masculine man, that
the relationship is all about control instead of connection. Right, Like,
he gets mad if you're late, or he gets uncomfortable
if he thinks that you're talking to another guy too long,
or we even see it in parenting. You know, I've
(06:26):
had a situation where my ex demanded, just because he's
paying for my children's car insurance, them to show up
and drive his other kids that he has with his
second marriage all around town. He's like, well, then I'm
not going to pay for your car insurance. And I
had to explain, listen, whoa, whoa, whoa, This isn't healthy.
We don't get into having to do something just because
(06:48):
a male figure is providing for you. That's toxic and
we've got to be very careful for us and what
that teaches our kids. So when we think about that,
I don't know if any of you are like, oh
my god, this is bringing up like three xes. Right.
It's not your fault. It's what we were conditioned to
think is sexy and what we now know is toxic.
(07:11):
So what do we do instead? Here's what to look
for instead. Here are the good signs. Okay, this is
the good part of healthy masculinity. How to spot high value.
He's confident but humble. He doesn't need to prove that
he's a man by talking loud to make sure that
(07:32):
people see him. Open up the door for you, girl.
His actions speak for themselves. He doesn't need other people
to see him being a man. He's just a man,
and he's emotionally intelligent. He is able to express his
emotions to you in a healthy way without yelling, and
(07:52):
then he makes space for yours and listens without trying
to fix everything, and says things like I know, babe,
that's right tough. I hear you without trying to argue
with you. Make you feel bad for how you feel,
or try to express why he thinks it's wrong. That's
(08:12):
what an emotionally intelligent man does. A third thing that
I want you to look for for healthy masculinity is
he's strong, but not dominant. True strength is self awareness,
not arrogance and control. Right. He knows that he's strong.
(08:34):
He doesn't have to dangle carrots in front of you
and say I'm only going to do this if you
do that. He just is strong and you feel safe
in his presence. Number four, he treats women as partners,
not trophies. He values your opinions. When you're at dinner
(08:57):
and you're talking about how you feel about politics, whatever
happened at work that day, he's intently listening to you
and not interrupting it. He's saying, oh, yeah, I hear you.
He values your opinions and your independence and your voice.
It doesn't matter if your opinions don't match his. He
still values that those are yours and you're entitled to
(09:20):
your own great if they match, no big deal if
they don't. Right. Number five, He's consistent. No hot and
cold games, no love bombing to completely consume you. He's
just steady, reliable connection. In a relationship with a healthy man,
(09:43):
you always know where your stand. A healthy man never
ever keeps a woman guessing where she stands in his life.
He makes an effort to make sure that you know
you're important to him. If he's not making the effort
to make sure that you know that you're important, he's
low value, right, and he's feeling like you have to
(10:07):
do something to prove that you're worthy of him. That's
performative masculinity. So I don't know about you, but is
anybody feeling like, oh my god, this is like bringing
me back to not only my relationship with my ex,
but probably my father too. And that brings up the
next thing I want to explain is why are we
so attracted to this? Why is this so hot to us?
(10:30):
Why are we attracted to performative masculinity? Sins, It is
not your fault. Okay, we're conditioned for this, but it
is your responsibility to break the cycle for your children.
For so many of this, this attraction to performative masculinity
is deeply rooted in our conditioning. Right, our fathers or
(10:55):
male role models in your life, they set the first
blueprint and if you're up with an emotionally distant father.
You may associate love with earning approval from a strong,
unavailable man, and so that's why you're in the toxic
relationship cycle. That's my life to a tee, and I'm
so sorry, and again, it's not your fault, but it
(11:18):
is our responsibility to heal and fix it, okay, and
I'm here to help you. We can't let that be
our normal, because then it's going to be our daughter's normal,
and that's going to be the way our son treats
their wife, and we don't want that. The second reason
why I think a lot of us are attracted to
performative masculinity is religious culture and upbringing. I'm not knock
(11:39):
in faith, but sometimes the culture around it did some damage.
Many of us were raised to believe that men should
lead and women should follow, instead of being raised that
we're equal in relationships, and then we internalize this and
we mistake control for care and they're vastly different. Right.
(12:04):
I happened to think that God always envisioned us to
be equal, and the religious culture that has developed was
really just men as a sense of control. So we
have to be very careful for that, and remember what
all the research shows about relationships is the patriarchal relationship
(12:25):
has the lowest quality of happiness for women, but the
egalitarian equal relationship has the highest quality of happiness. And
it was a Christian woman that did that study, So
please go after that. There should not be head of
household together, you make decisions. The third reason why I
(12:45):
think we're attracted to performative masculinity is fairy tales, thanks Disney,
romance narratives, thanks with Djad's a Gray.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Every movie I glorifies this cold, emotional, unavailable man who
finally opens up for the right woman.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
But that's a lie. That's why it's called a fairy tale.
It's not real. That's not what we want. They don't
open up. You're not the exception to the rule, my friend,
but you can decide to grow and move forward. I
think the fourth reason why we're attracted to performative masculinity
(13:32):
is society and the bad boil peel Right. We're taught
to confuse dominance with confidence, and we're taught to think
that possession of us is protection. No, that's not that's
very dangerous. So we've got to unravel this attraction and
(13:52):
we have to. We're probably still going to be attracted
to it naturally. But what we have to do today,
I want to help you understand how you can change it,
how we can spot it and not fall for it anymore. Okay,
so this is how we can unlearn the attraction to
performative masculinity. Let's rewire this thing right now. Right I
(14:16):
want this. I don't know about you. Let's acknowledge the pattern.
Ask yourself right now, am I attracted to a performative
masculine man? Or am I just responding to conditioning? So
if you are just responding conditioning, if you feel like,
(14:37):
oh my god, if like light bulbs are going off
and there's like this flashing sign that's like girl, whoa,
then let's go to the next step. Let's rewire your
idea of attraction. Instead of asking do I feel a spark?
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Like?
Speaker 1 (14:51):
Is there chemistry? I want you to ask do I
feel safe? Do I feel seen? Am I heard? And
you know me? I love butterflies. I use the analogy
of a butterfly all the time. And this is the
one area where I hate the phrase when everybody says, oh,
(15:12):
I got such butterflies in the relationship. Girl, that's not good.
That means anxiety. That means you're having a negative reaction.
What you want is to feel peace, safe and seen.
That is hot butterflies in chemistry alarming. The other way
(15:34):
that you can unlearn this attraction to performative masculinity is
I want you to start surrounding yourself with emotionally mature men.
I think all of us know a couple. They're probably
that nerdy boy in high school that became our best friend,
but we never dated them, and all of us realized
we probably should have dated them, probably should have married
(15:54):
that guy. Right. Or it is the nice dad on
the baseball team, it is that nice teacher, and we're
not going after them. We're not talking about dating these guys.
Just pay attention and realize, oh, you know how nice
that guy is. That's the kind of guy I should
(16:15):
go for. Surround yourself with emotionally mature men. Even read
books by authors of emotionally mature men. Listen to podcasts
not of alpha men, right, like the anti Joe Rogan
Right that obviously he's the biggest performative man. I'm sure
he drives a cyber truck. Right, So let's just no
(16:36):
run from that. Listen to podcasts about from male therapists,
male relationship coaches, and the friend and man who shows
this real emotional maturity. Maybe it's the nice guy at work, right,
it's the kind man at the store. You're like, oh, yeah,
(16:58):
that one. I bet all of you can think about
at least three or four emotionally secure kind men that
just popped into your head that said, yeah, I really
should pay attention more to that kind of guy. And
then next I want you to pay attention, pay attention
to how you feel in your relationship. In Love Unlocked,
(17:19):
the dating course I have for single moms. It's called
a Dating Revolution for single women. We talk about it
doesn't matter about what his job title is on the
dating app. I really don't care what his job title is,
how big his house is, very last went on vacation,
and what kind of car he drives or what neighborhood
she he lives in. I want to know how you feel.
(17:43):
How do you feel in this relationship? Love shouldn't make
you anxious, Love makes you calm. So pay attention with
how do I want to feel in a relationship? How
do I not want to feel? We don't want to
feel anxious like we have to do something to keep
(18:03):
earning this guy's attention. That's a performative masculinity. Man. What
we want to do is know exactly where we stand
and feel peace with it. Next, I want you to
choose emotional maturity over a performance. Okay, the man who
truly cares will not ever make you chase him. High
(18:26):
value women don't do that in the first place. Right.
A man that has low self esteem, who's a performative
male wants you to chase him because that makes him
feel like a bigger man. That's not good. Then that's
going to be the rest of your life. So you
want to make sure that you're never in a position
(18:47):
where you're made to feel like you have to chase
or you have to be good enough for someone. Then
just go. High value women don't chase. We are who
we are, and if the right person comes to our life,
he gets to be a little icing on or the
sprinkles on the icing of our cupcake. Right. But there's
(19:10):
a feminine side to this too. You know, we've talked
a lot about I don't mean to always bash men,
because I think there's a lot of great men, but
also we got to be honest. And there is a
side to this performative gender role things that we do too.
(19:31):
There's a performative feminine archetype too, and we got to
make sure that we're not showing up as her because
that's what's going to attract the toxic relationships. Right, So
when we talk about the feminine side of this, here's
how we know that we're performing instead of just being
(19:51):
our natural selves. People pleasing to be chosen. Maybe you're
suppressing your opinions, maybe you're avoiding conflict. Maybe you're just
trying to be easy going to be chosen. That's not good, right,
(20:12):
Never suppress what you truly believe just to be chosen
by a male. Then there's the cool girl act, pretending
to be like laid back. Some men like you like,
I'm cool with that, I'm super cool with how rude
you were to that waitress, or sure, no problem, I'm
cool with how you talk about how that girl is hot.
I'm not going to say anything about that, no, speak up.
(20:36):
That's how we get more performative masculinity men. And but
they're like, oh, she's so cool, she's like one of
the boys. You never want a man to say that
the cool girl act only sets you up for a
toxic relationship that will break your heart again, and I
want to protect you from that. Don't be laid back
(20:57):
when men say, wow, you're kind of complicated, take that
as a compliment, and then let that guy go because
you want someone that loves your strength, because we're just
as strong as they are. Another thing that I think
women do when we're performing feminine is we play small.
(21:17):
Maybe you're dimming your light to make him feel powerful
because you're a strong, high value woman. If you were
here listening part of the single mom collective, that means
you're a high value woman. So don't ever dim your
light because you're like, well, I just wanted him to
make him feel like he earn't almost as much money
(21:37):
as me, or I just wanted him to feel like
you could be a part of this decision. No, girl, no,
we do not play small again. That's going to set
you up for a huge fight and a huge breakup later.
Another thing that we've done I think I've done this
is relying on beauty or sexual for validation. I really
(22:03):
had to work through this personally, feeling like your only
worth is in how attractive you are and how great
the sex is, right, and we think, well, but I
can get him and I look beautiful on his arm,
And then we spend all of this money on how
we look instead of spending money to make us financially
(22:24):
secure and saving it in a HIGHIELT savings account. Right,
you are worth more than just how you look. And
we can't just rely on beauty or or sexuality to
bring in the high value partner because often if we
only do that, that is bringing a performative male that's
(22:45):
going to hurt us, the one that has low self
esteem and needs you so that he feels better about himself.
You want a man who feels great on his own
and he doesn't need you to make him bigger. Does
that make sense? So how do we fix this? Like
(23:05):
this seems like this is just the gender roles that
we were raised with, Right, And I don't know about
anybody you, but I've seen all of these roles play
out in past relationships and then working so hard and
to make sure the relationship with my husband is so
high value because I cherish it so much. I think
the solution is we have to choose to step into
(23:28):
authentic femininity not performative. Be your real self, not who
you think men want you to be. Right, Be the
girl with a messy bun and no makeup on at
the end of the day, right, be her, Be your
(23:50):
authentic self. And when he accepts that along with a beautiful,
dressed up version of you, when you go out on
a date, you know you have a high value partner.
So let's start to make this ultimate shift. Let's promise
ourselves that we are done with a feminine performance and
(24:11):
that we are choosing real love right, and that we
are going to be able to spot performative masculinity and
instead of a knowing we're probably conditioned to be attracted
to it. Right, but then putting in our checks and
balances and go, oh no, wait, Amanda told me about that.
I'm going to sit back with my eyes wide open,
(24:34):
and I'm going to see if this is just a
performance for him or if this is authentic. I get it.
It's really hard, but this is where such amazing work
is done in your life. Right, And I hope all
of this was gave you hope, because I promise you
(24:55):
there are so many healthy men that deserve a healthy,
high value woman partner. He deserves you. But often we're
overlooking them. Right, Sometimes we overlook them because they're the
nice guy, and maybe they're a little bit boring, and
maybe they're just the dude that's like a little bit
(25:19):
quieter and a little bit slower to ask us out
because the good guys they get shadowed by the performative males.
But in now knowing this will give you such power
to fast forward through all of those clowns and instead
go right to the good guy, so your heart never
(25:40):
ever is broken again by one of those men that
you have to heal from. Girl. And then again, maybe
this could be motivation too for you, is if you
have a daughter, how about we set the goal to
not condition her that this is attractive? Right? How about
(26:02):
we never have to have her unlearned this because she
saw you be loved by an authentic, emotionally available man.
How about for your son that what's modeled in his
home is a man that sometimes cries, that gives hugs,
(26:23):
that says.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
Well, tell me how you feel, and actually cares. And
so when his girlfriend is having a bad day, when
his wife is struggling with postpartum after having a baby,
he cares, and he is there instead of being dismissive.
And your daughter in law calls.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
You and she says, thank you for raising such a
caring son. I don't know about you, but that's what
I'm going for with my boys and my girls. That's
what I want. How do we get that? It starts
from within and it starts our decisions that we make.
And I want you to know that I'm here for you.
(27:03):
If you're listening to this and you're just like, oh
my god, this is what I'm attractive are these are like? Oll,
the guys I'm talking to you right now, maybe even
the guy you have a date with this weekend, Like,
just message me. You can find the link in the
show notes. You can message me on Instagram at the
real Amanda Carroll and let's book some time. I will
(27:23):
give you my time. We'll get on a one on
one call together and we'll fix this, okay, Because my
mission in life is to help you to have a
faster healing process than I did as a single mother
and to get into the best, most high value relationship
that you deserved. If this episode open your eyes to
(27:44):
the difference between performative masculinity and the real thing, then
it's time to stop settling for red flags and a
suit girl, and let's start attracting a man who's actually
emotionally available, consistent, and ready for you and your kids.
And if you're serious about that, love Unlocked is where
we make it happen. But here's the deal. We are
closing enrollment on April twentieth, and after that the doors
(28:07):
are not going to reopen again until July. That means
this is your last chance to get support and finding
a partner before summer. You can go to the beach together,
enjoy Fourth of July together. I only work with fifteen
women at a time, so I can give you my
full attention, personalized coaching, and the tools you need to
(28:28):
find real lasting love with zero games. So go get
your slot, Go to the show notes and book your
free one on one empowerment call. No strings attached to
that call. Apply to join now before your spot is gone.
We'll get on the phone and we'll see if this
is a good fit for you and let's make this
summer your summer of love. It'd also be great if
(28:48):
you send this episode to a friend. Maybe you guys
could do this together. Just send them in a text
and be like Hey girl, thought you could use this too.
Subscribe to the podcast as well so you don't miss
any episodes, and it would mean a lot to me
if you could leave a review if you love this,
so more single moms can get this important information. And
you can also feel free to tag me and what
(29:10):
you loved about this episode, Screenshot it, tell me your
favorite part, and tag me on Instagram at the real
Amanda Carroll
Brave Podcast Network. Is he strong or is he just
pretending like it? This is how to spot performative masculinity.
It's a thing. Real quick, before we dive in, I
have a gift for you. If you're ready to learn
how to date as a single bomb and attract high
value men without chasing or having to settle, I want
(00:21):
to give you my free Magnetic Attraction Masterclass. I will
teach you exactly how to shift your energy, upgrade your standards,
and finally become the woman love can't resist. Watch it
free right now, well after you listen to this episode.
The link is in the show notes for your girl.
So how many times have you mistaken a man's confidence
(00:46):
for just good character, his dominance for devotion, his swagger
for substance. We've all been there. You meet a guy
and he walks in like he owns the place right,
the deep voice, like broad shoulders, big energy. He's got
this effortless alpha male thing going on in your heart
(01:07):
just kind of like skips a bea. It's like whoa,
who is that? But let me ask you something. Is
that attraction or is it conditioning? Today we're pulling back
the curtains on something called performative masculinity, how to spot it,
why it is dangerous, and what we need to look
for instead to find and be with a high value partner.
(01:30):
Because here's the truth. Performative masculinity is when a man
acts a certain way to prove he's manly, rather than
being authentically himself. Cyber truck drivers, Okay, need I say more.
Think of it like a theater performance. He's doing it
for an audience, right, and that audience is you. Now.
(01:51):
Don't get me wrong. Masculinity itself is not the problem.
Healthy masculinity is hot and it's powerful. But when masculine
is just a performance, it leads to relationships that you
don't want. They lack depth, they lack intimacy, and they
lack stability. And if you don't know how to spot it,
(02:12):
you're gonna keep falling for it. So let's get into
how to spot performative masculinity how to run from it today. First,
let's talk about the science of performative masculinity in dating.
Here's how you know he's just putting on a show.
Number one. He's obsessed with proving he's an alpha. Constantly
(02:35):
talks about being leader, a protector, a real man, but
when it's time to show up emotionally absolute crickets. A
high value man doesn't need to tell you he's a man, right,
he just is. Number Two, he views vulnerability as a weakness.
Big red flag. If he brags about never crying other
(03:00):
men for being soft or shuts down emotional conversations, he's
not emotionally mature and you don't want that, girl. Real
strength isn't in hiding emotions. We know that it's in
owning our emotions. Another red flag that he's performing a
performative masculinity is how he treats women. Does he make
(03:24):
a huge show when he opens up a door, when
he pays for dinner and is being a gentleman? Does
he want like extra credit for it? Ask yourself, is
he doing this for you? Or is he doing it
for validation? Or The fourth red flag he overcompensates with aggression.
This is when it gets scary. If he always needs
(03:46):
to be the loudest in the room. My axe is
a loud talker, now I can spot it. Constantly picks
fights with people or sees every other man as competition
with him and for you. He's like a jealous kind
of guy. He's overcompensating because true confidence is quiet, real
strength is controlled, never chaotic. Another red flag that he
(04:11):
is a performative masculinity type he boasts about how women
should behave If he constantly talks about how women need
to be more submissive or should be less independent, he's
not looking for love, girl, He's looking for control, and
you need to run for that. So why are all
(04:33):
of those big deals because so many of us were
raised that that's hot, that's sexy. Here's why performative masculinity
is really dangerous in relationships. First, it creates an emotionally
unavailable partner. If his masculinity is a performance, he's never
going to let you in. He's not able to do that,
(04:55):
and you're always going to feel like you're trying to
earn his approval right. Second, it leads to really toxic
power dynamics. My friend, a relationship isn't supposed to be
about control, it's about the connection, And it teaches your
children the wrong lessons. If you have sons, they learn
(05:18):
that emotions are bad and that's not masculine. And if
you have daughters, they learn to tolerate emotionally closed off
men that that's normal. Is this like a ring in
any bells to childhood? Anyone? It also makes you the caretaker.
You become his emotional support system because he refuses to
(05:41):
open up to anyone else because he's in that performative
male stance and he thinks what makes as a man
is not letting anybody know his weaknesses. We all know
that's toxic. So how do we get through that? You know,
watch out for that control. I want to go back
(06:02):
to one of these items that I talked about about
the toxic power dynamics of a performative masculine man, that
the relationship is all about control instead of connection. Right, Like,
he gets mad if you're late, or he gets uncomfortable
if he thinks that you're talking to another guy too long,
or we even see it in parenting. You know, I've
(06:26):
had a situation where my ex demanded, just because he's
paying for my children's car insurance, them to show up
and drive his other kids that he has with his
second marriage all around town. He's like, well, then I'm
not going to pay for your car insurance. And I
had to explain, listen, whoa, whoa, whoa, This isn't healthy.
We don't get into having to do something just because
(06:48):
a male figure is providing for you. That's toxic and
we've got to be very careful for us and what
that teaches our kids. So when we think about that,
I don't know if any of you are like, oh
my god, this is bringing up like three xes. Right.
It's not your fault. It's what we were conditioned to
think is sexy and what we now know is toxic.
(07:11):
So what do we do instead? Here's what to look
for instead. Here are the good signs. Okay, this is
the good part of healthy masculinity. How to spot high value.
He's confident but humble. He doesn't need to prove that
he's a man by talking loud to make sure that
(07:32):
people see him. Open up the door for you, girl.
His actions speak for themselves. He doesn't need other people
to see him being a man. He's just a man,
and he's emotionally intelligent. He is able to express his
emotions to you in a healthy way without yelling, and
(07:52):
then he makes space for yours and listens without trying
to fix everything, and says things like I know, babe,
that's right tough. I hear you without trying to argue
with you. Make you feel bad for how you feel,
or try to express why he thinks it's wrong. That's
(08:12):
what an emotionally intelligent man does. A third thing that
I want you to look for for healthy masculinity is
he's strong, but not dominant. True strength is self awareness,
not arrogance and control. Right. He knows that he's strong.
(08:34):
He doesn't have to dangle carrots in front of you
and say I'm only going to do this if you
do that. He just is strong and you feel safe
in his presence. Number four, he treats women as partners,
not trophies. He values your opinions. When you're at dinner
(08:57):
and you're talking about how you feel about politics, whatever
happened at work that day, he's intently listening to you
and not interrupting it. He's saying, oh, yeah, I hear you.
He values your opinions and your independence and your voice.
It doesn't matter if your opinions don't match his. He
still values that those are yours and you're entitled to
(09:20):
your own great if they match, no big deal if
they don't. Right. Number five, He's consistent. No hot and
cold games, no love bombing to completely consume you. He's
just steady, reliable connection. In a relationship with a healthy man,
(09:43):
you always know where your stand. A healthy man never
ever keeps a woman guessing where she stands in his life.
He makes an effort to make sure that you know
you're important to him. If he's not making the effort
to make sure that you know that you're important, he's
low value, right, and he's feeling like you have to
(10:07):
do something to prove that you're worthy of him. That's
performative masculinity. So I don't know about you, but is
anybody feeling like, oh my god, this is like bringing
me back to not only my relationship with my ex,
but probably my father too. And that brings up the
next thing I want to explain is why are we
so attracted to this? Why is this so hot to us?
(10:30):
Why are we attracted to performative masculinity? Sins, It is
not your fault. Okay, we're conditioned for this, but it
is your responsibility to break the cycle for your children.
For so many of this, this attraction to performative masculinity
is deeply rooted in our conditioning. Right, our fathers or
(10:55):
male role models in your life, they set the first
blueprint and if you're up with an emotionally distant father.
You may associate love with earning approval from a strong,
unavailable man, and so that's why you're in the toxic
relationship cycle. That's my life to a tee, and I'm
so sorry, and again, it's not your fault, but it
(11:18):
is our responsibility to heal and fix it, okay, and
I'm here to help you. We can't let that be
our normal, because then it's going to be our daughter's normal,
and that's going to be the way our son treats
their wife, and we don't want that. The second reason
why I think a lot of us are attracted to
performative masculinity is religious culture and upbringing. I'm not knock
(11:39):
in faith, but sometimes the culture around it did some damage.
Many of us were raised to believe that men should
lead and women should follow, instead of being raised that
we're equal in relationships, and then we internalize this and
we mistake control for care and they're vastly different. Right.
(12:04):
I happened to think that God always envisioned us to
be equal, and the religious culture that has developed was
really just men as a sense of control. So we
have to be very careful for that, and remember what
all the research shows about relationships is the patriarchal relationship
(12:25):
has the lowest quality of happiness for women, but the
egalitarian equal relationship has the highest quality of happiness. And
it was a Christian woman that did that study, So
please go after that. There should not be head of
household together, you make decisions. The third reason why I
(12:45):
think we're attracted to performative masculinity is fairy tales, thanks Disney,
romance narratives, thanks with Djad's a Gray.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Every movie I glorifies this cold, emotional, unavailable man who
finally opens up for the right woman.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
But that's a lie. That's why it's called a fairy tale.
It's not real. That's not what we want. They don't
open up. You're not the exception to the rule, my friend,
but you can decide to grow and move forward. I
think the fourth reason why we're attracted to performative masculinity
(13:32):
is society and the bad boil peel Right. We're taught
to confuse dominance with confidence, and we're taught to think
that possession of us is protection. No, that's not that's
very dangerous. So we've got to unravel this attraction and
(13:52):
we have to. We're probably still going to be attracted
to it naturally. But what we have to do today,
I want to help you understand how you can change it,
how we can spot it and not fall for it anymore. Okay,
so this is how we can unlearn the attraction to
performative masculinity. Let's rewire this thing right now. Right I
(14:16):
want this. I don't know about you. Let's acknowledge the pattern.
Ask yourself right now, am I attracted to a performative
masculine man? Or am I just responding to conditioning? So
if you are just responding conditioning, if you feel like,
(14:37):
oh my god, if like light bulbs are going off
and there's like this flashing sign that's like girl, whoa,
then let's go to the next step. Let's rewire your
idea of attraction. Instead of asking do I feel a spark?
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Like?
Speaker 1 (14:51):
Is there chemistry? I want you to ask do I
feel safe? Do I feel seen? Am I heard? And
you know me? I love butterflies. I use the analogy
of a butterfly all the time. And this is the
one area where I hate the phrase when everybody says, oh,
(15:12):
I got such butterflies in the relationship. Girl, that's not good.
That means anxiety. That means you're having a negative reaction.
What you want is to feel peace, safe and seen.
That is hot butterflies in chemistry alarming. The other way
(15:34):
that you can unlearn this attraction to performative masculinity is
I want you to start surrounding yourself with emotionally mature men.
I think all of us know a couple. They're probably
that nerdy boy in high school that became our best friend,
but we never dated them, and all of us realized
we probably should have dated them, probably should have married
(15:54):
that guy. Right. Or it is the nice dad on
the baseball team, it is that nice teacher, and we're
not going after them. We're not talking about dating these guys.
Just pay attention and realize, oh, you know how nice
that guy is. That's the kind of guy I should
(16:15):
go for. Surround yourself with emotionally mature men. Even read
books by authors of emotionally mature men. Listen to podcasts
not of alpha men, right, like the anti Joe Rogan
Right that obviously he's the biggest performative man. I'm sure
he drives a cyber truck. Right, So let's just no
(16:36):
run from that. Listen to podcasts about from male therapists,
male relationship coaches, and the friend and man who shows
this real emotional maturity. Maybe it's the nice guy at work, right,
it's the kind man at the store. You're like, oh, yeah,
(16:58):
that one. I bet all of you can think about
at least three or four emotionally secure kind men that
just popped into your head that said, yeah, I really
should pay attention more to that kind of guy. And
then next I want you to pay attention, pay attention
to how you feel in your relationship. In Love Unlocked,
(17:19):
the dating course I have for single moms. It's called
a Dating Revolution for single women. We talk about it
doesn't matter about what his job title is on the
dating app. I really don't care what his job title is,
how big his house is, very last went on vacation,
and what kind of car he drives or what neighborhood
she he lives in. I want to know how you feel.
(17:43):
How do you feel in this relationship? Love shouldn't make
you anxious, Love makes you calm. So pay attention with
how do I want to feel in a relationship? How
do I not want to feel? We don't want to
feel anxious like we have to do something to keep
(18:03):
earning this guy's attention. That's a performative masculinity. Man. What
we want to do is know exactly where we stand
and feel peace with it. Next, I want you to
choose emotional maturity over a performance. Okay, the man who
truly cares will not ever make you chase him. High
(18:26):
value women don't do that in the first place. Right.
A man that has low self esteem, who's a performative
male wants you to chase him because that makes him
feel like a bigger man. That's not good. Then that's
going to be the rest of your life. So you
want to make sure that you're never in a position
(18:47):
where you're made to feel like you have to chase
or you have to be good enough for someone. Then
just go. High value women don't chase. We are who
we are, and if the right person comes to our life,
he gets to be a little icing on or the
sprinkles on the icing of our cupcake. Right. But there's
(19:10):
a feminine side to this too. You know, we've talked
a lot about I don't mean to always bash men,
because I think there's a lot of great men, but
also we got to be honest. And there is a
side to this performative gender role things that we do too.
(19:31):
There's a performative feminine archetype too, and we got to
make sure that we're not showing up as her because
that's what's going to attract the toxic relationships. Right, So
when we talk about the feminine side of this, here's
how we know that we're performing instead of just being
(19:51):
our natural selves. People pleasing to be chosen. Maybe you're
suppressing your opinions, maybe you're avoiding conflict. Maybe you're just
trying to be easy going to be chosen. That's not good, right,
(20:12):
Never suppress what you truly believe just to be chosen
by a male. Then there's the cool girl act, pretending
to be like laid back. Some men like you like,
I'm cool with that, I'm super cool with how rude
you were to that waitress, or sure, no problem, I'm
cool with how you talk about how that girl is hot.
I'm not going to say anything about that, no, speak up.
(20:36):
That's how we get more performative masculinity men. And but
they're like, oh, she's so cool, she's like one of
the boys. You never want a man to say that
the cool girl act only sets you up for a
toxic relationship that will break your heart again, and I
want to protect you from that. Don't be laid back
(20:57):
when men say, wow, you're kind of complicated, take that
as a compliment, and then let that guy go because
you want someone that loves your strength, because we're just
as strong as they are. Another thing that I think
women do when we're performing feminine is we play small.
(21:17):
Maybe you're dimming your light to make him feel powerful
because you're a strong, high value woman. If you were
here listening part of the single mom collective, that means
you're a high value woman. So don't ever dim your
light because you're like, well, I just wanted him to
make him feel like he earn't almost as much money
(21:37):
as me, or I just wanted him to feel like
you could be a part of this decision. No, girl, no,
we do not play small again. That's going to set
you up for a huge fight and a huge breakup later.
Another thing that we've done I think I've done this
is relying on beauty or sexual for validation. I really
(22:03):
had to work through this personally, feeling like your only
worth is in how attractive you are and how great
the sex is, right, and we think, well, but I
can get him and I look beautiful on his arm,
And then we spend all of this money on how
we look instead of spending money to make us financially
(22:24):
secure and saving it in a HIGHIELT savings account. Right,
you are worth more than just how you look. And
we can't just rely on beauty or or sexuality to
bring in the high value partner because often if we
only do that, that is bringing a performative male that's
(22:45):
going to hurt us, the one that has low self
esteem and needs you so that he feels better about himself.
You want a man who feels great on his own
and he doesn't need you to make him bigger. Does
that make sense? So how do we fix this? Like
(23:05):
this seems like this is just the gender roles that
we were raised with, Right, And I don't know about
anybody you, but I've seen all of these roles play
out in past relationships and then working so hard and
to make sure the relationship with my husband is so
high value because I cherish it so much. I think
the solution is we have to choose to step into
(23:28):
authentic femininity not performative. Be your real self, not who
you think men want you to be. Right, Be the
girl with a messy bun and no makeup on at
the end of the day, right, be her, Be your
(23:50):
authentic self. And when he accepts that along with a beautiful,
dressed up version of you, when you go out on
a date, you know you have a high value partner.
So let's start to make this ultimate shift. Let's promise
ourselves that we are done with a feminine performance and
(24:11):
that we are choosing real love right, and that we
are going to be able to spot performative masculinity and
instead of a knowing we're probably conditioned to be attracted
to it. Right, but then putting in our checks and
balances and go, oh no, wait, Amanda told me about that.
I'm going to sit back with my eyes wide open,
(24:34):
and I'm going to see if this is just a
performance for him or if this is authentic. I get it.
It's really hard, but this is where such amazing work
is done in your life. Right, And I hope all
of this was gave you hope, because I promise you
(24:55):
there are so many healthy men that deserve a healthy,
high value woman partner. He deserves you. But often we're
overlooking them. Right, Sometimes we overlook them because they're the
nice guy, and maybe they're a little bit boring, and
maybe they're just the dude that's like a little bit
(25:19):
quieter and a little bit slower to ask us out
because the good guys they get shadowed by the performative males.
But in now knowing this will give you such power
to fast forward through all of those clowns and instead
go right to the good guy, so your heart never
(25:40):
ever is broken again by one of those men that
you have to heal from. Girl. And then again, maybe
this could be motivation too for you, is if you
have a daughter, how about we set the goal to
not condition her that this is attractive? Right? How about
(26:02):
we never have to have her unlearned this because she
saw you be loved by an authentic, emotionally available man.
How about for your son that what's modeled in his
home is a man that sometimes cries, that gives hugs,
(26:23):
that says.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
Well, tell me how you feel, and actually cares. And
so when his girlfriend is having a bad day, when
his wife is struggling with postpartum after having a baby,
he cares, and he is there instead of being dismissive.
And your daughter in law calls.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
You and she says, thank you for raising such a
caring son. I don't know about you, but that's what
I'm going for with my boys and my girls. That's
what I want. How do we get that? It starts
from within and it starts our decisions that we make.
And I want you to know that I'm here for you.
(27:03):
If you're listening to this and you're just like, oh
my god, this is what I'm attractive are these are like? Oll,
the guys I'm talking to you right now, maybe even
the guy you have a date with this weekend, Like,
just message me. You can find the link in the
show notes. You can message me on Instagram at the
real Amanda Carroll and let's book some time. I will
(27:23):
give you my time. We'll get on a one on
one call together and we'll fix this, okay, Because my
mission in life is to help you to have a
faster healing process than I did as a single mother
and to get into the best, most high value relationship
that you deserved. If this episode open your eyes to
(27:44):
the difference between performative masculinity and the real thing, then
it's time to stop settling for red flags and a
suit girl, and let's start attracting a man who's actually
emotionally available, consistent, and ready for you and your kids.
And if you're serious about that, love Unlocked is where
we make it happen. But here's the deal. We are
closing enrollment on April twentieth, and after that the doors
(28:07):
are not going to reopen again until July. That means
this is your last chance to get support and finding
a partner before summer. You can go to the beach together,
enjoy Fourth of July together. I only work with fifteen
women at a time, so I can give you my
full attention, personalized coaching, and the tools you need to
(28:28):
find real lasting love with zero games. So go get
your slot, Go to the show notes and book your
free one on one empowerment call. No strings attached to
that call. Apply to join now before your spot is gone.
We'll get on the phone and we'll see if this
is a good fit for you and let's make this
summer your summer of love. It'd also be great if
(28:48):
you send this episode to a friend. Maybe you guys
could do this together. Just send them in a text
and be like Hey girl, thought you could use this too.
Subscribe to the podcast as well so you don't miss
any episodes, and it would mean a lot to me
if you could leave a review if you love this,
so more single moms can get this important information. And
you can also feel free to tag me and what
(29:10):
you loved about this episode, Screenshot it, tell me your
favorite part, and tag me on Instagram at the real
Amanda Carroll
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