January 17, 2025 • 5 mins
6:00am:
Wake up early and check Donald Trump's social media feeds to see if he's been mentioned. See that he has not, and, not that it matters, but Elon Musk has already been mentioned five times.
6:15am:
Walk his dog Atlas; promise not to eat Atlas like he ate his last dog.
6:30am:
Relax on well-worn couch while his wife Usha feeds and clothes her three young children.
7:00 am:
Celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day by searching all furniture store sales within a 50-mile radius for deals on new couches.
8:00am:
Check social media again, this time just for name in general, and find the 4,566,578th and 4,566,579th joke about him fucking a couch.
8:30am:
Start to wonder if there's somewhere he needs to be; text buddy Donald Trump Jr. to casually ask when he's planning to get there and if he can send the address again.
8:37am:
Receive forwarded Evite from Trump Jr. for inauguration. 1,186 people have already responded, beginning three months ago. Mike Pence is a "maybe."
9:00am:
Rehearse speech about growing up middle class in suburban Ohio - wait no, poor in rural Kentucky - receiving an education funded by government assistance from the G.I. Bill - wait no, funded by his own grit alone - and rising to prominence due to being chosen as the puppet of a conservative billionaire - no wait, due to his appealing and relatable personality that in no way makes him historically unpopular.
9:15am:
Realize he should invite Usha so she can watch her kids during the ceremony. Forward her the Evite.
9:16am:
Receive instant response from Usha, saying that she already RSVP-ed "yes" like three months ago.
9:30am:
Do a bunch of jumping jacks for exercise. Also to be sure that, in case anyone happens to do them at one of the inaugural balls tonight, he can jump higher than Musk. Or whoever might do it.
10:15am:
Show up early to inauguration venue and realize he forgot ID. Go back to get it because no one recognizes him.
11:00am:
Return to venue with ID. Secret Service agent says "I thought the VP-elect was already here." Musk walks by and whispers something in the agent's ear. Agent says "oh sorry, come on in, Mr. Vant."
11:01am:
Tell Secret Service agent that it's actually "Vance." Receive no response from agent.
12 - 1pm:
Smile for camera during entire inauguration ceremony, despite fact that only back of head is shown on TV, even during own swearing in.
1:00pm:
March in Inaugural Parade twelve feet behind Musk, feel totally fine about it.
2:00pm:
Realize after an hour of marching next to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and listening to his lengthy rant about how Band-aids are making Americans bisexual that Kennedy does not know who he is.
3:00pm:
Find an opening in Kennedy's on-going monologue to re-introduce himself. Kennedy says that name "doesn't ring a bell, sorry" and asks if he's ever eaten raw polar bear meat.
4:00pm:
Proudly sit at the Theodore Roosevelt desk and announce first initiative as Vice President will be to make "MILF" the official pornography genre of America because it will make forced motherhood look more appealing, and also because Usha found that term in his internet search history last week and he told her it was just for a work thing.
7:00pm:
Attend all three Inaugural Balls, but somehow never at the same time as Trump.
11:00pm:
Text Trump, Trump Jr., and Kennedy to ask where the afterparty is. Receive no response.
11:10pm:
See Musk's social media posts from an afterparty on what looks like a golden rocketship. Buzz Aldrin is there.
11:30pm:
Receive text from Usha asking about recent "cat lady pornography" search on iPad he forgot she has the password to.
Wake up early and check Donald Trump's social media feeds to see if he's been mentioned. See that he has not, and, not that it matters, but Elon Musk has already been mentioned five times.
6:15am:
Walk his dog Atlas; promise not to eat Atlas like he ate his last dog.
6:30am:
Relax on well-worn couch while his wife Usha feeds and clothes her three young children.
7:00 am:
Celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day by searching all furniture store sales within a 50-mile radius for deals on new couches.
8:00am:
Check social media again, this time just for name in general, and find the 4,566,578th and 4,566,579th joke about him fucking a couch.
8:30am:
Start to wonder if there's somewhere he needs to be; text buddy Donald Trump Jr. to casually ask when he's planning to get there and if he can send the address again.
8:37am:
Receive forwarded Evite from Trump Jr. for inauguration. 1,186 people have already responded, beginning three months ago. Mike Pence is a "maybe."
9:00am:
Rehearse speech about growing up middle class in suburban Ohio - wait no, poor in rural Kentucky - receiving an education funded by government assistance from the G.I. Bill - wait no, funded by his own grit alone - and rising to prominence due to being chosen as the puppet of a conservative billionaire - no wait, due to his appealing and relatable personality that in no way makes him historically unpopular.
9:15am:
Realize he should invite Usha so she can watch her kids during the ceremony. Forward her the Evite.
9:16am:
Receive instant response from Usha, saying that she already RSVP-ed "yes" like three months ago.
9:30am:
Do a bunch of jumping jacks for exercise. Also to be sure that, in case anyone happens to do them at one of the inaugural balls tonight, he can jump higher than Musk. Or whoever might do it.
10:15am:
Show up early to inauguration venue and realize he forgot ID. Go back to get it because no one recognizes him.
11:00am:
Return to venue with ID. Secret Service agent says "I thought the VP-elect was already here." Musk walks by and whispers something in the agent's ear. Agent says "oh sorry, come on in, Mr. Vant."
11:01am:
Tell Secret Service agent that it's actually "Vance." Receive no response from agent.
12 - 1pm:
Smile for camera during entire inauguration ceremony, despite fact that only back of head is shown on TV, even during own swearing in.
1:00pm:
March in Inaugural Parade twelve feet behind Musk, feel totally fine about it.
2:00pm:
Realize after an hour of marching next to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and listening to his lengthy rant about how Band-aids are making Americans bisexual that Kennedy does not know who he is.
3:00pm:
Find an opening in Kennedy's on-going monologue to re-introduce himself. Kennedy says that name "doesn't ring a bell, sorry" and asks if he's ever eaten raw polar bear meat.
4:00pm:
Proudly sit at the Theodore Roosevelt desk and announce first initiative as Vice President will be to make "MILF" the official pornography genre of America because it will make forced motherhood look more appealing, and also because Usha found that term in his internet search history last week and he told her it was just for a work thing.
7:00pm:
Attend all three Inaugural Balls, but somehow never at the same time as Trump.
11:00pm:
Text Trump, Trump Jr., and Kennedy to ask where the afterparty is. Receive no response.
11:10pm:
See Musk's social media posts from an afterparty on what looks like a golden rocketship. Buzz Aldrin is there.
11:30pm:
Receive text from Usha asking about recent "cat lady pornography" search on iPad he forgot she has the password to.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
JD Advance's Inauguration Day schedule. Six am. Wake up early
and check Donald Trump's social media feeds to see if
he's been mentioned. See that he is not, and not
that it matters, but Elon Musk has already been mentioned
five times. Six fifteen am walk his dog Atlas. Promise
(00:23):
not to eat Atlas like he ate his last dog.
Six thirty am relax on well worn couch while his
wife Usha feeds and clothes her three young children. Seven am.
Celebrate Martin Luther King Junior Day by searching all furniture
store sales within a fifty mile radius for deals on
(00:45):
new couches. Eight am check social media again, this time
just for name in general and find the four million,
five hundred and sixty six thousand, five hundred and seventy
eight and four million, five hundred and sixty six thousand,
five hundred and seventy ninth joke about him fucking a couch.
(01:07):
Eight thirty am. Start to wonder if there's somewhere he
needs to be. Text buddy Donald Trump Junior to casually
ask when he's playing to get there and if he
can send the address again. Eight thirty seven am receive
four to the vike from Trump Junior for inauguration one thousand,
(01:27):
one hundred and eighty six people have already responded. Beginning
three months ago. Mike Pence is a maybe nine AM
rehearse speech about growing up middle class in suburban Ohio
waight no poor in rural Kentucky, receiving an education funded
by government assistance from the GI bill wait no funded
(01:49):
by his own grid alone, and rising to prominence due
to being chosen as the puppet of a conservative billionaire,
no weight, due to his appealing and relatable personality that
in no way makes him historically unpopular. Nine fifteen a
M realize he should invite Usha so she can watch
her kids during this ceremony. Forward her the avite. Nine
(02:14):
sixteen a M receive instant response from Musha saying that
she already RSVPs yes, like three months ago. Nine thirty
a M do a bunch of jumping jacks for exercise,
also to be sure that in case anyone happens to
do them at one of the inaugural balls tonight, he
(02:35):
can jump higher than Musk or whoever might do it.
Ten fifteen a M. Show up early to inauguration venue
and realize he forgot ID go back to get it
because no one recognizes him. Eleven a M. Return to
venue with ID. Secret Service agents says, I thought the
(02:58):
VP elect was already here. Musk walks by and whisper
something in the agent's ear. Agent says, oh, sorry, come
on in, mister, vant eleven O one a M. Tell
secret service agent that it's actually dance. Receive no response
from agent. Twelve to one p M. Smile for camera
(03:22):
during entire inauguration ceremony, despite fact that only back of
head is shown on TV, even during on swearing in.
One p M. March an inaugural parade twelve feet behind
Musk feel totally fine about it. Two p M. Realize,
after an hour of marching next to Robert F. Kennedy
(03:44):
Junior and listening to his lengthy rant about how band
aids are making Americans bisexual, that Kennedy does not know
who he is. Three p M. Find an opening in
Kennedy's ongoing monolog to reintroduce himself. Kennedy says that name
does it ring a bell? Sorry, and asks if he's
(04:05):
ever eaten raw polar bear meat. Four PM. Proudly sit
at the Theodore Roosevelt Desk and announce first initiative as
vice president will be to make milf the official pornography
genre of America because it will make forced motherhood look
more appealing, and also because Usha found that term in
(04:26):
his Internet search history last week and he told her
it was just for a work thing. Seven pm attend
all three inaugural balls, but somehow never at the same
time as Trump. Eleven PM text Trump, Trump Junior, and
Kennedy to ask where the after party is. Received no response.
(04:49):
Eleven ten pm c Musk's social media posts from an
after party on what looks like a golden rocket ship,
butu auvern is there. One thirty p m received texts
from Musha asking about recent cat Lady pornography search on iPad.
He forgot she has the password to
JD Advance's Inauguration Day schedule. Six am. Wake up early
and check Donald Trump's social media feeds to see if
he's been mentioned. See that he is not, and not
that it matters, but Elon Musk has already been mentioned
five times. Six fifteen am walk his dog Atlas. Promise
(00:23):
not to eat Atlas like he ate his last dog.
Six thirty am relax on well worn couch while his
wife Usha feeds and clothes her three young children. Seven am.
Celebrate Martin Luther King Junior Day by searching all furniture
store sales within a fifty mile radius for deals on
(00:45):
new couches. Eight am check social media again, this time
just for name in general and find the four million,
five hundred and sixty six thousand, five hundred and seventy
eight and four million, five hundred and sixty six thousand,
five hundred and seventy ninth joke about him fucking a couch.
(01:07):
Eight thirty am. Start to wonder if there's somewhere he
needs to be. Text buddy Donald Trump Junior to casually
ask when he's playing to get there and if he
can send the address again. Eight thirty seven am receive
four to the vike from Trump Junior for inauguration one thousand,
(01:27):
one hundred and eighty six people have already responded. Beginning
three months ago. Mike Pence is a maybe nine AM
rehearse speech about growing up middle class in suburban Ohio
waight no poor in rural Kentucky, receiving an education funded
by government assistance from the GI bill wait no funded
(01:49):
by his own grid alone, and rising to prominence due
to being chosen as the puppet of a conservative billionaire,
no weight, due to his appealing and relatable personality that
in no way makes him historically unpopular. Nine fifteen a
M realize he should invite Usha so she can watch
her kids during this ceremony. Forward her the avite. Nine
(02:14):
sixteen a M receive instant response from Musha saying that
she already RSVPs yes, like three months ago. Nine thirty
a M do a bunch of jumping jacks for exercise,
also to be sure that in case anyone happens to
do them at one of the inaugural balls tonight, he
(02:35):
can jump higher than Musk or whoever might do it.
Ten fifteen a M. Show up early to inauguration venue
and realize he forgot ID go back to get it
because no one recognizes him. Eleven a M. Return to
venue with ID. Secret Service agents says, I thought the
(02:58):
VP elect was already here. Musk walks by and whisper
something in the agent's ear. Agent says, oh, sorry, come
on in, mister, vant eleven O one a M. Tell
secret service agent that it's actually dance. Receive no response
from agent. Twelve to one p M. Smile for camera
(03:22):
during entire inauguration ceremony, despite fact that only back of
head is shown on TV, even during on swearing in.
One p M. March an inaugural parade twelve feet behind
Musk feel totally fine about it. Two p M. Realize,
after an hour of marching next to Robert F. Kennedy
(03:44):
Junior and listening to his lengthy rant about how band
aids are making Americans bisexual, that Kennedy does not know
who he is. Three p M. Find an opening in
Kennedy's ongoing monolog to reintroduce himself. Kennedy says that name
does it ring a bell? Sorry, and asks if he's
(04:05):
ever eaten raw polar bear meat. Four PM. Proudly sit
at the Theodore Roosevelt Desk and announce first initiative as
vice president will be to make milf the official pornography
genre of America because it will make forced motherhood look
more appealing, and also because Usha found that term in
(04:26):
his Internet search history last week and he told her
it was just for a work thing. Seven pm attend
all three inaugural balls, but somehow never at the same
time as Trump. Eleven PM text Trump, Trump Junior, and
Kennedy to ask where the after party is. Received no response.
(04:49):
Eleven ten pm c Musk's social media posts from an
after party on what looks like a golden rocket ship,
butu auvern is there. One thirty p m received texts
from Musha asking about recent cat Lady pornography search on iPad.
He forgot she has the password to
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.