October 9, 2024 • 46 mins
Air Date - 09 October 2024
I am not an expert at relationships, but I wanted to share some things I learned along the way.
This is particularly important for women who expect their partners to be everything in the relationship.
Learn some specific reasons why men and women are so different!
I may get a lot of grief for this one, but I’ve seen it all. Here are a few things that I have seen work and personally experienced!
For those of you wanting to deepen into the love in your life – come listen to a different way of letting your heart beat stronger.
http://www.katherinemcintosh.com
#Relationships #KatherineMcIntosh #TrustingYourGut #Intuition #Consciousness #Lifestyle #BodyAwareness #Health #Wellness
Visit the Trusting Your Gut Show Page https://omtimes.com/iom/shows/trusting-your-gut
Connect with Katherine McIntosh at https://www.katherinemcintosh.com
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I am not an expert at relationships, but I wanted to share some things I learned along the way.
This is particularly important for women who expect their partners to be everything in the relationship.
Learn some specific reasons why men and women are so different!
I may get a lot of grief for this one, but I’ve seen it all. Here are a few things that I have seen work and personally experienced!
For those of you wanting to deepen into the love in your life – come listen to a different way of letting your heart beat stronger.
http://www.katherinemcintosh.com
#Relationships #KatherineMcIntosh #TrustingYourGut #Intuition #Consciousness #Lifestyle #BodyAwareness #Health #Wellness
Visit the Trusting Your Gut Show Page https://omtimes.com/iom/shows/trusting-your-gut
Connect with Katherine McIntosh at https://www.katherinemcintosh.com
Subscribe to our Newsletter https://omtimes.com/subscribe-omtimes-magazine
Connect with OMTimes on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Omtimes.Magazine/ and OMTimes Radio https://www.facebook.com/ConsciousRadiowebtv.OMTimes/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/OmTimes/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/omtimes/
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/OMTimesTV
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/company/2798417/
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/omtimes/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Be bold, be brave, be extraordinary, be vulnerable, be real,
be curious, be true. Be you. Welcome to trusting your
gut with world class energy, Intuitive Katherine McIntosh, a show
designed to awaken you to enjoy the process of evolving,
(00:29):
have fun along the way, and learn to listen to
those silent in between moments. You are the expert of
your own life and nobody knows more about the next
steps to take in your journey than you, So please
listen to your gut and discover what's waiting for you
to explore. Here is your host, Katherine McIntosh.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
All right, my magical friends, so welcome to today's episode.
As always, am always thrilled to be here with you. Today,
we are going to be talking about a topic that
probably applies to absolutely every single person on the planet,
and it's relationships. Those amazing things that you know can
(01:17):
connect us, make our heart open, take us to a
whole new level senior perspectives. But also relationships can can
also be destructive. They can take us down, We can
get stuck in a pattern, we can recreate our family trauma,
our family childhood. And you know, as someone who does
(01:38):
what I do in the world, which is I never
can explain what I do, and people always go, no,
I wonder why you can't explain what you do? Is
because I take each person and their unique blueprint and
their unique sort of journey through life, not just this life,
but I look at past lifetimes and I'm always looking
(01:58):
at you know, I say to people, if you have
something that you've been trying to change for a long time,
whether it's a diagnosis or health issue, or weight or
money or business, and you keep trying, and you've worked
with coaches or healers, or you've gone to therapy, or
you've done your own work over and over, you've gone
(02:21):
breathwork or meditation, and no matter what, you can't seem
to quite shift out of this sort of repeating pattern
that you're in. My personal philosophy take it or leave it,
is that it's usually because there's something trapped in your
system from past lifetime. And so let me explain that
(02:42):
before we actually dive into the topic that we're really
going to talk about, which is relationships.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
And so.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
This is just my own personal belief. It's what I've
learned through thirty years of being exposed to shamans and
healers in some of the world's most renown people in
the world, some of my clients some of the most
renowned people in the world. And I'm always fascinated and
I'm fascinated at like I pinch myself. I'm like, I
(03:11):
get to do this every day. And I've always said
to people, if someone gave me one hundred million dollars
to day, I would still be doing what I do.
I would still be doing what I do because I
love it so much and it lights me up. You know,
it creates a world. And so here's my philosophy is
(03:33):
that we all have past lifetimes. We've all been other places,
and so when we die in a lifetime, the imprinting
from that lifetime stays imprinted sort of on you can
call it your soul, you can call it whatever you want,
but it stays imprinted. And so then when you get
a new life, the imprinting from your old life is
(03:58):
then still printed. And so when you're born, your cells
take on the memory of that imprint, and so there
are certain patterns that we will repeat lifetime over lifetime.
I've worked with a lot of people who want to
be healers, and before they go to healing They're like,
(04:20):
I can't do it. I'm going to be burned at
the stake. I'm going to be drowned. I'm going to
die if I give my if I share my work
in the world. And that's where you know that it's
from a past lifetime. And guess what, we can clear
those and they actually can clear quickly and easily, depending
(04:40):
on right your point of view, depending on your perspective.
And so I think that anything is changeable, right Marie
Fourlio as a saying everything is figure outable, And I
really believe that we can transform almost anything in our lives.
Where it gets tricky is do you believe that it's
(05:05):
possible to transform it? And so I've been able to
work with people and we get to the sort of
root or nitty gritty of the pattern and then we
shift it and things change, and things can change quite quickly.
And so in relationships, we tend to repeat patterns lifetime
(05:30):
after lifetime. So maybe you were born in royalty, and
one of your patterns is that you just know you're
going to create a lot of wealth in every lifetime
that you're in. Right, Maybe one of the patterns is
you were born into royalty, you had a ton of wealth.
You had a ton of wealth. You had a ton
of wealth, and all of a sudden the wealth got
(05:51):
taken away from you. But worse, you lost your loved
ones and the wealth got taken away from you. And
you're like, I'm never going to have that wealth again
because I never want to lose my loved ones. And
so then you get into relationships where you end up
tend to be broke or struggling financially, and you can't
(06:11):
ever get back to that sense of total abundance in
relationship and in life because you're afraid that if you
let yourself have that much wealth again, your loved ones
will be taken away from you. Now, when I'm talking
about this, this is not a cognitive experience that we
(06:34):
go through. Our stuck patterns really are in the unconscious realm,
the realm that we can't see, the realm that we
can't figure out. And most of the times it's hard
to verbally change patterns in the unconscious subconscious realm. Where
(06:54):
you change patterns in the subconscious unconscious realm is through energy,
nonverbal through processes that take you through and exchange where
you can remove the pattern out of the cells of
your body and also remove the imprinting out of the
(07:15):
cells of your body. And so relationships are sort of
that thing that we all want, right, but yet a
lot of us sometimes struggle. Empaths definitely struggle, Healers can
definitely struggle in relationship, right, Intuitives can definitely struggle in relationship,
(07:36):
and just really anyone in general, right, And so especially
if you were born in a family where you were
raised in sort of a tumultuous relationship, where your childhood
didn't feel quite lovey dovey, right, where there was a
lot of ups and downs, where there's addiction, where there
(07:59):
was lying, cheating, and so it makes you sort of
create an idea of what you see is the way
that the world works. But what you see is just
what you were used to seeing, and you can change it.
And that brings me to the topic I want to
(08:21):
talk about specifically in relationship. And so I was talking
recently to a couple and they had, you know, had
their own journey with their relationship as most couples do,
which was kind of beautiful relationship for a long time,
and then things got really hard and they separated, and
(08:42):
then I was reuniting with them when they were getting
back together, and I was asking, I'm like, how's it going.
I'm so happy you guys got back together. Must be
so great. And then I kind of went on this
tangent about why it gets hard specifically between men and women. Now,
(09:03):
this doesn't have to be just men and women, but
this will give you an idea. And so I was saying, Yeah,
women like to talk talk talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk,
talk to their partner to try to figure things out,
and men actually hate that. And here's the reason why
they're scientific research why this is so. And men women
(09:28):
will know that a man isn't doing well and be like,
why aren't you okay? Why aren't you talking about let's
talk about And a man does not want to talk
about it. It's not because he doesn't want to talk
about it, but because he hasn't yet gotten to the
point where he can talk about it. Men don't like
talking about things until they've gotten the point of what's
(09:48):
going on in their world. And here's the research. Here's
the evidence, scientifically based. Now I might be off on
my numbers, but this is a number I heard a
long time ago in my sort of shamanic journeys, and
it is this. So women have eighty five percent more
(10:10):
cone cells in the in their eyes. Right. So cone
cells are exactly what you think. So if you think
of like a megaphone as a cone, right, if you
think of an ice cream cone, right, So it has
a very small point and then it has like a funnel. Right.
(10:30):
So women can take in all this information all at
once and they talk it out to get to the point. Right,
So they are designed as women. Right, we go yay,
so nice to see you too. And so women take
in all this information. They take in all this information
(10:54):
and they love it. That's why women can interrupt each
other and they don't miss a beat. They don't get
upset if they inter But if you interrupt a man
when he's trying to communicate a point, he gets so
off target. Because men have eighty five percent more rod
cells in their eyes. So a rod cell is like
(11:18):
a telescope. Right, You're looking through a long sort of
rod like thing, so you can focus on one thing
at a time. Women are incredible multitaskers. Men not so much. Right.
There is scientific evidence for why this is so, and
(11:42):
so in relationship, right, I used to think that my
relationships with my significant others. I've chosen men in this
lifetime my relationship with my significant others. I always expected
the man to be my everything and anything. So maybe
(12:03):
not going shopping with me, but let's go to the movies.
Let's watch a romantic, cheesy comedy because that's what I love, right,
Let's talk till the sun comes up, Let's you know,
talk about everything and anything. And I realized in my
marriage to my son's dad that that actually wasn't going
(12:27):
to work right. And I didn't realize it till we
were towards the end of our relationship together. But I
was like, Wow, my husband actually can't be that for me.
And it's I'm kindness. That's why I have best friends,
It's why I have good girlfriends, It's why I have community,
It's why I like to dance. And I expected my
(12:49):
husband to want to like the same things I did,
to want to support everything I did. But I realized
now he just wanted to support me, not necessarily all
the things that I loved. Right, And so this is
true in relationship. Men and women are literally designed differently.
(13:13):
It's why the book men are from What is It?
Men are from Mars. Women are from venus because it
speaks to the different ways in which we see the world,
literally see the world. Men get uber focused. They might
get focused on success, they might get focused on their health.
(13:38):
They might for a time and a place, get focused
on you as their partner. But they tend to not
want to talk until they know the answer, until they've
gotten to the point where women love to talk. And
if you take sort of an unmastered or messy idea
(14:05):
to a man, he's going to want to try to
fix it. He's going to want to try to give
you the answer, and you're like, well, I'm not talking
for the answer, I'm just talking. And so that's why
we have these fundamental differences which can cause a lot
of conflict and disconnect between a man and a woman.
(14:27):
It's what can cause a lot of conflict and disconnect
in the relationship if you don't honor that these differences
are there for a reason, right and by the way,
this can apply to relationships between women and women. This
(14:51):
can apply to relationships between men and men. This can
apply to business partnerships. If your partner is a man
or a it's going to be good information for you
to know how they operate. So I was recently speaking
to someone and they were sharing how they were struggling
(15:11):
with someone that in their business. And I said, well,
have you asked yourself, not them? Have you asked yourself
what they need to hear? What is their functioning lens
from which they view the world? I said, because your
lens is extremely different. Right, everybody, every single person in
(15:35):
the world is wired differently. Right. I cannot talk to
my son the way that I talk to my girlfriends. Right.
I can't talk to my partner the way that I
talk to my girlfriends, And nor would I expect my
son or my partner to talk to me right the
(15:55):
same way my girlfriends talk to me. I have to
work really hard hard to keep my mouth shut, which
isn't always easy, to not interrupt, which isn't always easy,
and to be patient and let them come to me
when they're ready to come to me. Right. It's fascinating,
(16:19):
and so wanted to invite each of you to consider that,
what if the way you see the world and the
way that you were wired was you know, like if
you think of it as like an outlet in the wall,
a socket in the wall, and then a plug right.
(16:39):
Imagine putting a plug in a plug together or what
to work? Right? We actually need two different things to
create that connection, right. And so you know, it was
funny as I was talking to this a couple when
I was like, oh, yeah, she wants to talk talk
(17:00):
talk talk talk talk talk talk talk and resolve it
with you. And you go crazy because you're like lost
as she's talking, because you just want to know what's
the point, what's the thing you need to solve, what's
the thing that she came to. What's the aha moment?
And he's like, oh my god, you're making so much sense.
And I said to her, and you get frustrated because
(17:22):
he's not listening. And she's like, yes, I do. And
I was like, that's where you need your girlfriends. And
she didn't like that so much. And I understand because
I did not like that idea when I thought that
my man was supposed to be my end all be
all for everything right, and so relationships are supposed to
(17:46):
be different. So here are some things that I wanted
to share with you, things that I've learned along the
way that may or may not serve you. Right, I
say to everyone, I'm human, Right, what I share may
resonate with you, it may not take it or leave it.
(18:06):
I'm not everybody's cup of tea. And that's okay, right
hat Molly in a camra meal tea. And so this
is about sort of filter through your awareness what resonates,
toss out what doesn't, and see where on your journey
(18:27):
you are in your life and take what applies and
leave the rest. Right, So we're gonna, yeah, I think
what we're going to do. Well, we'll talk for a
little bit and then we'll take a break and then
we'll come back.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
For some more.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
So a couple of things that I think are very valuable,
specifically in male female relationships, is that women sometimes have
a hard time being patient with letting the man come
to them, taking their time. Sometimes it takes a man
(19:03):
a month, two months, three months, four months, five months
to have a difficult conversation with you. Sometimes they might
not be okay, but they might not know why they're
not okay, and they need to take their space. It's
not personal, it's not about you. It's not because they
(19:24):
don't want to connect with you. It's because they need
the space to try to come to the point. Because
everything isn't in focus, and they need that time and
space and that distance until things come into focus. And
when they do come into focus, it takes them a
lot to come to the table to share what they discovered.
(19:50):
And if you interrupt them, it shuts them down, right,
if you think you need to tell them what they know,
it shuts them down. If you are not the best
listening board. Then you say, you know, I can't wait
to hear what you discovered, but can we do this
(20:13):
when I'm not so distracted with household, yours or laundry
or all this stuff? Can we have a date night
this week where you share? Because I really what you
have to say is really important to me, right, and
this is really critical, right, just an observation what I've
known almost being here forty nine years on the planet
(20:34):
and screwing up a lot of relationships because I think
that I knew better, but I don't, right, I just
think different than the people I choose to be in
intimate relationships with. And so that's on the male side.
On the female side, you have to recognize that the
(20:55):
man doesn't always want you to come to them with
everything right that brings them and takes them sometimes out
of focus and they get confused. They also want to
solve it. So if you're wanting just to have a
conversation just to let your person know where you're at,
(21:17):
then you want to pretext it by saying, Hey, I'd
love to just share with you some things. I don't
need you to fix anything, i don't need you to
change anything. I'm just kind of having the day where
i'd love just to share what happened for me. Are
you in a place where you feel like you could
(21:38):
listen without fixing, without changing, Just listen and they can
go yes. But if you don't pre empt it, they're
going to be listening looking for the point. If you
preempt them and say I don't have a point to this,
I don't need fixing, I don't need solving, I don't
(21:59):
need need this to be problem solved, then they can.
Like watching a football game, they're not looking for the point,
they're not looking for the endgame. They're just going to
watch the game as you talk about it. Right, Really
useful information. And so my advice to a lot of
(22:20):
women is, if you've been using your man as your soul,
sounding board, as your everything, go find some girlfriends. Go
on hikes, go on walks, Go take a yoga class,
go to a dance class. Go find a group of women,
right and connect to them and use the women. Now,
this isn't go to these women and talk crap about
(22:43):
your man. That is not what I'm talking about. Go
to these women and talk life. Don't always talk life
with your man because he's frankly, most of the time,
not interested. This isn't a cut, this isn't mean. And
they just get overwhelmed with too much cone conversation, right,
(23:06):
too much funnel conversation, because it bounces all over the place. Right.
And another piece that I think is very valuable is
in the beginning, when you're in a relationship with somebody
and it's new and you're not yet sure where it's at,
you're not quite fully committed women, do not go talk crap.
(23:27):
When you get into a fight or things get funky,
do not go talk crap about the person you're dating. Right,
Go to a therapist, right, hire a coach. Do not
use your girlfriends as your sounding board for your relationships,
because here's the thing. It can create conflict in your relationship,
(23:47):
but it can also create conflict with your friendships because
they think they're giving you good advice, and then you're like,
thank you so much, and then all of a sudden
they see you like resolving it over here, and then
there's a disconnect between your relationships. Right, huge, huge, Right.
(24:07):
So this is just a little like lifebook lesson from
the life Book of Catherine through Let's see you. I
started dating my first husband when I was twenty three, right,
And I knew walking down the aisle not to marry him,
but I did and why. I was telling the story
(24:29):
to one of my best friends the other day and
I said, Wow, just realized I walked down the aisle
for him because I loved his family and I felt
like I had family, and I felt like somebody really
cared for me. And my family cared for me deeply.
But I had a very dysfunctional childhood, and I craved community,
(24:53):
I craved being seen, and I married his family because
I felt like I wanted a family, which is really
crazy to even say out loud. And it's funny because
now my mother love that woman to death, would do
anything for her incredible human being, and I actually am
(25:14):
great friends with my mom now, But at the time
my mother was going through her own life journey was
raising three other children, my siblings, and I was on
the other side of the world, in another country where
my husband didn't speak any English, and somehow I found
that charming and endearing. So we all have different stories,
(25:39):
we all have different life journeys. Nobody can tell you
what is true in your heart. But maybe some of
this will be useful. So we're going to take a
short break, and we're going to come back after the break,
and we'll continue with some things that may be relevant
for you, that may apply to shifting your relationship in
(26:03):
your life. Stay tuned and we'll be back.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Sometimes TV.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
Do you trust you? Do you trust your body? What
if the key to unlocking the weight pain, suffering, fear, anxiety, addictions,
traumas and sorrows was already inside of you. Learn to
love the skin you are in so you can create
the body, business, and life you love. Everyone always says
(26:39):
you can't explain what Catherine does.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
You just have to experience it.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
From Hollywood actors to New York Times bestselling authors to
some of the world's wealthiest and most successful, no two
experiences are the same. For private sessions, online courses, live events,
and the latest book Jack Hanfield calls game changer and
should be required reading for everyone. Go to Katherine McIntosh
(27:04):
dot com k A t h E r i n
E mc I n t O s h dot com.
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Join us at Feeding America dot org. All right, my
magical friends, so welcome back to the show. As always,
so excited to just just have these conversations. It's fun.
You know, spent my life feeling a little crazy and
(29:04):
spent my life also thinking that like people know what
I know. But the truth is, you know, we all
see the world differently, and nobody knows what you know
and the way you know it. Nobody can see the
way you see the world and the way you think
you see the world, or thinking that other people see
(29:26):
the world the same way you do. It's why we
have the Picassos and the Rembrandts and just all these
incredible artists, all these incredible musicians. Right. I had the
pleasure of being at Austin City Limits Music Festival last weekend,
and wow, like fifty different artists, three different stages. You know,
(29:48):
I only probably caught like ten musicians. But music is incredible,
Art is incredible, Nature is incredible. No, two trees are
like no to yusicians are like No two people are alike, right,
men and women are not alike. And so when we
(30:08):
talk about relationship in particular, today we're talking about intimate relationships,
So whether it's with a spouse, a long term partner,
whether you're dating, whether you're wanting to date, whether you're
curious about which sex you like, and all that is
your personal preference. But particular, what we're talking about is
(30:32):
just the significant difference between men and women. That actually
is they're scientific based evidence. So women have more cone
cells in the corny of their eyes eighty five percent
more than men, and men have eighty five percent more
root cells. So men like focus, They like to focus
(30:55):
on one thing. They get hyper focused on things and
you think they're ignoring, you know, they're just focused on
the one thing that can be focused on in that point.
And so this is about discovering how to sort of
put into a perspective. Like when you watch a sunset,
(31:17):
you don't just watch one point of that sunset. You
take in the entire horizon, especially if that sunset is
on a mountaintop or is on the ocean, and you
see the reflection of the colors and the clouds, right,
so magical and so same thing. This is about broadening
(31:38):
your horizons, broadening your perspective about this thing. But let's
be honest, every man is different, every woman is different.
The way what we need is different what we but
and yet this will apply to you and the way
it applies to you based on your desires, based on
(32:00):
where you are in your phase and season and journey
of life. Right. One of the things that I have
found extremely helpful, and this is just my personal opinion,
I do not believe that we are meant to stay
in the same bedroom for fifty years. Right. One of
the things that made my second husband, who is the
(32:23):
father of my son, I only have had two husbands.
I'm not sure about a third. So is one of
the things that really worked for us every day in
our relationship with my husband is when we moved in together.
We moved into one bedroom into his place that he
(32:45):
was living in. We lasted about six months and then
I got really hard and I say, can we move?
Can we move into a neutral place that we make
ours instead of it already being yours? And can we
each have our own bedroom? Right? I know couples who
have home side by side. In fact, I saw an
interview like an old little meme interview with Carol burn
(33:07):
Burnett and she was like, oh my god, the only
way I'm getting married is honey, you have your house
and I have mine, and we can live right next
door to each other. Right, But I don't believe we're
meant to stay in the same bed with the same
person for fifty years. It doesn't mean we don't stay anonymous.
But here's why I think this is really important. Because
(33:28):
getting one bedroom where you only sleep in one bedroom
for the rest of your lives together, it takes away
choice and it creates obligation. And human beings do not
like to be obligated to one another. They like choices.
(33:49):
And so when my husband and I moved in to
a neutral home, right, we were together for six years
before we got married. We then had our son the
year after we got married, and then we lasted another
two years, so we were and then we got divorced.
So we were together ten ish nine between nine and
(34:11):
ten years. And for the first six years of our
relationship together almost seven years before our son was born,
we had separate bedrooms. The entire time we had separate bedrooms.
And why this was brilliant because he had his man cave,
(34:32):
I had my woman cave. Right, we kind of had
communal space that we decorated together. But he could decorate
his bedroom anyway he wanted. He could do whatever he
wanted his bedroom, and I could have my own space
and it was my cocoon and I loved it. And
in this separate bedrooms where it really worked is that
(34:55):
every day we got to choose do we want to
sleep in the same bed or do we not? And
why this is crucial crucial is because every day what
it did on an energetic level is gave us choice
do we want to spend time together or do we not.
(35:15):
There was never an obligation. Right when we weren't okay
with each other, we'd say, hey, why don't we sleep
in separate bedrooms and let's revisit this issue tomorrow, or
let's revisit this issue in two or three days when
we feel better. We weren't going anywhere, we weren't out
the door, we didn't ever runaway bride shoes on, we
(35:38):
weren't even looking at getting married. It was just like,
this is working, and it's awesome. And I believe a
huge reason it was working is because he had his
own bedroom and I had my own bedroom, and every day,
instead of being obligated to be in the same bed
with each other. Got to choose. Now, ninety plus percent
(36:02):
of the time we slept in the same bed ninety
plus percent of the time. But those times when we
needed space, right when maybe I was, you know, going
through a lot through my menstrual cycle, and I was like,
I need to I could go into my own room
and not talk to you and watch movies and maybe
I'm gonna cry, and don't. I don't need to engage
(36:25):
you in my emotional world, whereas in the past it
would be like, I'm emotional, you have to fix it.
Men are not good at fixing women's emotions, and so women,
if you are feeling overly emotional, go to your girlfriends,
Go get a hotel for a night, go you know,
(36:47):
go on a hikeul just like, hang out with female
people or hang out by yourself. But don't when you're
overly emotional, especially when you're in your moon cycle. Don't
expect your man to be able to understand it because
his broad cell universe, the way he sees the world,
(37:08):
will get really really overwhelmed. Right, So here's another thing.
I think couples should plan an adventure one and maybe
it's once a week, maybe it's once a month, and
you take turns doing each other's stuff. But I also
(37:28):
think it's really important you both have separate lives. What
I mean by that, right, Like, you know, let's say
your partner really enjoys sports and they want to go
to a football game or they want to go to
a hockey game, where they want to go to a
soccer game, right, let them go with their buddies. Unless
you really like sports, go with them. But and then
(37:52):
you like dancing, or you like you know, opera, or
you like a concert, do that separate and then once
a month do one of the others thing right, do
something different together? Want someone right, I think it's really
helpful to have your own lives, to still be slightly
(38:14):
separate and then find ways to come together. But I
think it is extremely important for men and women to
give each other space. And why men need space till
they can talk to you if they're struggling with something, right,
they really need that time away. Now, this might not
(38:36):
apply to everybody, but this is just what I've learned
along the way. I've also learned the men love when
women have their own lives right when they are independent.
But what happens to independent women. I know this firsthand
in every relationship I've ever been in. The independent that
(38:57):
we love that you're so independent, and then we get
into relationship together and I'm like, oh good, this is
an amazing exchange, so let me support them, and then
I stop taking care of myself. And almost always is
when the relationship falls apart because they start not being okay.
(39:17):
Their world gets unraveled. Because I'm a lot, I'm a
big energy, I'm independent, I know what I want, I
know where I'm going. More or less, I know what
i want to create. And so when the man starts
to fall apart in the relationship, especially in a relationship
with an independent woman, here's my advice to all you
(39:38):
independent women out there. Let them go live your life,
keep doing the things that you did in the beginning.
Let them fall apart, don't chase them, let them come
to you, don't try to fix them. Let them have
their space, let them take a month if they need to,
maybe two months, maybe three months. Almost every independent woman
(40:01):
that I've talked to that got into a relationship that
might be still in relationship with the person that they
fell in love with. Almost everything but one of them
talks about they had a time of part because he
wasn't doing so well. Let the man figure it out
in his own way. Huge, huge, really really like honestly,
(40:25):
if I could express this one thing. But women who
are independent, they're like, oh my god, there's this man
and now he's not doing Also, let me start showing up.
And then what happens is we tend to become their mothers.
We tend to become their providers on someone, and they
don't want that. They do not want that, and then
it makes them feel like they're not the man. And
(40:48):
then guess what. Roles get reversed. You step into a
more masculine role because you are good at that if
you're independent, and then they become more feminine, and the
balances get off. It doesn't work and it gets messy.
And so my advice is, yes, check in, yes, say hi,
don't just disappear, but we just give them space. Nothing's
(41:12):
wrong with you, right, And then when you need that space,
nothing is wrong with you for needing that space. Guess what.
When this is happening, the man is upgrading, he's discovering
more of whom who he is. He's also realizing do
I want this woman in my life still? And if
(41:34):
he does, he's going to have to go through a
season or a period of transformation in his own way.
He doesn't want the therapy per se. He doesn't want
the ways that you get your nurturing and your therapy
and your AHAs and your spiritual connection. Most men don't
(41:56):
want the community. They do sometimes, but maybe they find
it going out in the woods or hanging out, you know,
with friends, or going to sports or playing sports. Right,
we all operate really differently, and I think this is
a huge distinction. And so my invitation to all of
you listening to this episode today is please go easy
(42:23):
on yourselves. Please constantly nurture what you need. And sometimes
roles will get reversed and the woman needs the space
and the man needs to let it because guess what,
We all all phases, all stages. We are all always
going through massive growth, change, growth, massive growth spurt, and
(42:48):
so sometimes, right, we're not meant to be on the
same page with each other all the time. That's not
what a relationship is. A relationship is hold space for
the others they grow or need support. Hold space for
the other as they grow. The need support and can
you grow and hold space for each other and it
(43:11):
continue them because guess what, you might fall in love
with somebody and have fallen in love with someone five
years ago, ten years ago, fifteen years ago. Please don't
expect them to be the same person that they were
when you first met. The journey, the gift, the beauty
is to continually let them evolve.
Speaker 3 (43:35):
Right.
Speaker 2 (43:35):
And sometimes women outgrow their men, and sometimes men outgrow
their women. And so we sometimes have these ideas that
we can't be ourselves anymore, or that we want ourselves
in the beginning and now we want to be but
the person's used to the old way. We've got to
give each other the benefit of the doubt, right, And
(43:57):
so instead of shutting down going away, see what it's
like to try to be yourself. See what happens. You
never know unless you try. And so my sort of
parting words for you today would be this, don't give
up who you are for somebody else. And don't assume
(44:18):
that somebody that you've been in relationship for a long
time isn't willing to grow and change with you. Don't
assume that they don't want you to be don't assume
that it's going to create problems. Assume that we're all
just doing the best damn you know thing we can
every day, and every day is different. And so the
(44:42):
question is are you willing to show up as who
you are every day and allow it to evolve and
shift and change. So, my friends' relationships, they may be complicated,
they may take us on the crazy journey, but I
believe truly that they're worth it no matter where you
(45:03):
are in your season. And that's relationships with friends, relationships
with co workers, relationships with colleagues, relationships with you know, spouses,
intimate others, children, grandchildren, parents, relationships and connecting and being
authentically you is what makes at least in my opinion,
(45:28):
this life worth living. So may you not give up
on who you are. May you continue to grow and evolve,
and may you continue to trust that where you are
is exactly where you're meant to be. So thank you
for listening. If this show today inspired you, please like it,
(45:53):
share it, continue to check out our shows, and we'll
see you next time. Thanks for being here.
Speaker 1 (46:03):
Catherine is not a medical practitioner nor a licensed therapist.
She has strong opinions and will express them and truly
believes that you are your best advocate for any and
every area of your life. If you need medical advice,
please consult your physician.
Be bold, be brave, be extraordinary, be vulnerable, be real,
be curious, be true. Be you. Welcome to trusting your
gut with world class energy, Intuitive Katherine McIntosh, a show
designed to awaken you to enjoy the process of evolving,
(00:29):
have fun along the way, and learn to listen to
those silent in between moments. You are the expert of
your own life and nobody knows more about the next
steps to take in your journey than you, So please
listen to your gut and discover what's waiting for you
to explore. Here is your host, Katherine McIntosh.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
All right, my magical friends, so welcome to today's episode.
As always, am always thrilled to be here with you. Today,
we are going to be talking about a topic that
probably applies to absolutely every single person on the planet,
and it's relationships. Those amazing things that you know can
(01:17):
connect us, make our heart open, take us to a
whole new level senior perspectives. But also relationships can can
also be destructive. They can take us down, We can
get stuck in a pattern, we can recreate our family trauma,
our family childhood. And you know, as someone who does
(01:38):
what I do in the world, which is I never
can explain what I do, and people always go, no,
I wonder why you can't explain what you do? Is
because I take each person and their unique blueprint and
their unique sort of journey through life, not just this life,
but I look at past lifetimes and I'm always looking
(01:58):
at you know, I say to people, if you have
something that you've been trying to change for a long time,
whether it's a diagnosis or health issue, or weight or
money or business, and you keep trying, and you've worked
with coaches or healers, or you've gone to therapy, or
you've done your own work over and over, you've gone
(02:21):
breathwork or meditation, and no matter what, you can't seem
to quite shift out of this sort of repeating pattern
that you're in. My personal philosophy take it or leave it,
is that it's usually because there's something trapped in your
system from past lifetime. And so let me explain that
(02:42):
before we actually dive into the topic that we're really
going to talk about, which is relationships.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
And so.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
This is just my own personal belief. It's what I've
learned through thirty years of being exposed to shamans and
healers in some of the world's most renown people in
the world, some of my clients some of the most
renowned people in the world. And I'm always fascinated and
I'm fascinated at like I pinch myself. I'm like, I
(03:11):
get to do this every day. And I've always said
to people, if someone gave me one hundred million dollars
to day, I would still be doing what I do.
I would still be doing what I do because I
love it so much and it lights me up. You know,
it creates a world. And so here's my philosophy is
(03:33):
that we all have past lifetimes. We've all been other places,
and so when we die in a lifetime, the imprinting
from that lifetime stays imprinted sort of on you can
call it your soul, you can call it whatever you want,
but it stays imprinted. And so then when you get
a new life, the imprinting from your old life is
(03:58):
then still printed. And so when you're born, your cells
take on the memory of that imprint, and so there
are certain patterns that we will repeat lifetime over lifetime.
I've worked with a lot of people who want to
be healers, and before they go to healing They're like,
(04:20):
I can't do it. I'm going to be burned at
the stake. I'm going to be drowned. I'm going to
die if I give my if I share my work
in the world. And that's where you know that it's
from a past lifetime. And guess what, we can clear
those and they actually can clear quickly and easily, depending
(04:40):
on right your point of view, depending on your perspective.
And so I think that anything is changeable, right Marie
Fourlio as a saying everything is figure outable, And I
really believe that we can transform almost anything in our lives.
Where it gets tricky is do you believe that it's
(05:05):
possible to transform it? And so I've been able to
work with people and we get to the sort of
root or nitty gritty of the pattern and then we
shift it and things change, and things can change quite quickly.
And so in relationships, we tend to repeat patterns lifetime
(05:30):
after lifetime. So maybe you were born in royalty, and
one of your patterns is that you just know you're
going to create a lot of wealth in every lifetime
that you're in. Right, Maybe one of the patterns is
you were born into royalty, you had a ton of wealth.
You had a ton of wealth. You had a ton
of wealth, and all of a sudden the wealth got
(05:51):
taken away from you. But worse, you lost your loved
ones and the wealth got taken away from you. And
you're like, I'm never going to have that wealth again
because I never want to lose my loved ones. And
so then you get into relationships where you end up
tend to be broke or struggling financially, and you can't
(06:11):
ever get back to that sense of total abundance in
relationship and in life because you're afraid that if you
let yourself have that much wealth again, your loved ones
will be taken away from you. Now, when I'm talking
about this, this is not a cognitive experience that we
(06:34):
go through. Our stuck patterns really are in the unconscious realm,
the realm that we can't see, the realm that we
can't figure out. And most of the times it's hard
to verbally change patterns in the unconscious subconscious realm. Where
(06:54):
you change patterns in the subconscious unconscious realm is through energy,
nonverbal through processes that take you through and exchange where
you can remove the pattern out of the cells of
your body and also remove the imprinting out of the
(07:15):
cells of your body. And so relationships are sort of
that thing that we all want, right, but yet a
lot of us sometimes struggle. Empaths definitely struggle, Healers can
definitely struggle in relationship, right, Intuitives can definitely struggle in relationship,
(07:36):
and just really anyone in general, right, And so especially
if you were born in a family where you were
raised in sort of a tumultuous relationship, where your childhood
didn't feel quite lovey dovey, right, where there was a
lot of ups and downs, where there's addiction, where there
(07:59):
was lying, cheating, and so it makes you sort of
create an idea of what you see is the way
that the world works. But what you see is just
what you were used to seeing, and you can change it.
And that brings me to the topic I want to
(08:21):
talk about specifically in relationship. And so I was talking
recently to a couple and they had, you know, had
their own journey with their relationship as most couples do,
which was kind of beautiful relationship for a long time,
and then things got really hard and they separated, and
(08:42):
then I was reuniting with them when they were getting
back together, and I was asking, I'm like, how's it going.
I'm so happy you guys got back together. Must be
so great. And then I kind of went on this
tangent about why it gets hard specifically between men and women. Now,
(09:03):
this doesn't have to be just men and women, but
this will give you an idea. And so I was saying, Yeah,
women like to talk talk talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk,
talk to their partner to try to figure things out,
and men actually hate that. And here's the reason why
they're scientific research why this is so. And men women
(09:28):
will know that a man isn't doing well and be like,
why aren't you okay? Why aren't you talking about let's
talk about And a man does not want to talk
about it. It's not because he doesn't want to talk
about it, but because he hasn't yet gotten to the
point where he can talk about it. Men don't like
talking about things until they've gotten the point of what's
(09:48):
going on in their world. And here's the research. Here's
the evidence, scientifically based. Now I might be off on
my numbers, but this is a number I heard a
long time ago in my sort of shamanic journeys, and
it is this. So women have eighty five percent more
(10:10):
cone cells in the in their eyes. Right. So cone
cells are exactly what you think. So if you think
of like a megaphone as a cone, right, if you
think of an ice cream cone, right, So it has
a very small point and then it has like a funnel. Right.
(10:30):
So women can take in all this information all at
once and they talk it out to get to the point. Right,
So they are designed as women. Right, we go yay,
so nice to see you too. And so women take
in all this information. They take in all this information
(10:54):
and they love it. That's why women can interrupt each
other and they don't miss a beat. They don't get
upset if they inter But if you interrupt a man
when he's trying to communicate a point, he gets so
off target. Because men have eighty five percent more rod
cells in their eyes. So a rod cell is like
(11:18):
a telescope. Right, You're looking through a long sort of
rod like thing, so you can focus on one thing
at a time. Women are incredible multitaskers. Men not so much. Right.
There is scientific evidence for why this is so, and
(11:42):
so in relationship, right, I used to think that my
relationships with my significant others. I've chosen men in this
lifetime my relationship with my significant others. I always expected
the man to be my everything and anything. So maybe
(12:03):
not going shopping with me, but let's go to the movies.
Let's watch a romantic, cheesy comedy because that's what I love, right,
Let's talk till the sun comes up, Let's you know,
talk about everything and anything. And I realized in my
marriage to my son's dad that that actually wasn't going
(12:27):
to work right. And I didn't realize it till we
were towards the end of our relationship together. But I
was like, Wow, my husband actually can't be that for me.
And it's I'm kindness. That's why I have best friends,
It's why I have good girlfriends, It's why I have community,
It's why I like to dance. And I expected my
(12:49):
husband to want to like the same things I did,
to want to support everything I did. But I realized
now he just wanted to support me, not necessarily all
the things that I loved. Right, And so this is
true in relationship. Men and women are literally designed differently.
(13:13):
It's why the book men are from What is It?
Men are from Mars. Women are from venus because it
speaks to the different ways in which we see the world,
literally see the world. Men get uber focused. They might
get focused on success, they might get focused on their health.
(13:38):
They might for a time and a place, get focused
on you as their partner. But they tend to not
want to talk until they know the answer, until they've
gotten to the point where women love to talk. And
if you take sort of an unmastered or messy idea
(14:05):
to a man, he's going to want to try to
fix it. He's going to want to try to give
you the answer, and you're like, well, I'm not talking
for the answer, I'm just talking. And so that's why
we have these fundamental differences which can cause a lot
of conflict and disconnect between a man and a woman.
(14:27):
It's what can cause a lot of conflict and disconnect
in the relationship if you don't honor that these differences
are there for a reason, right and by the way,
this can apply to relationships between women and women. This
(14:51):
can apply to relationships between men and men. This can
apply to business partnerships. If your partner is a man
or a it's going to be good information for you
to know how they operate. So I was recently speaking
to someone and they were sharing how they were struggling
(15:11):
with someone that in their business. And I said, well,
have you asked yourself, not them? Have you asked yourself
what they need to hear? What is their functioning lens
from which they view the world? I said, because your
lens is extremely different. Right, everybody, every single person in
(15:35):
the world is wired differently. Right. I cannot talk to
my son the way that I talk to my girlfriends. Right.
I can't talk to my partner the way that I
talk to my girlfriends, And nor would I expect my
son or my partner to talk to me right the
(15:55):
same way my girlfriends talk to me. I have to
work really hard hard to keep my mouth shut, which
isn't always easy, to not interrupt, which isn't always easy,
and to be patient and let them come to me
when they're ready to come to me. Right. It's fascinating,
(16:19):
and so wanted to invite each of you to consider that,
what if the way you see the world and the
way that you were wired was you know, like if
you think of it as like an outlet in the wall,
a socket in the wall, and then a plug right.
(16:39):
Imagine putting a plug in a plug together or what
to work? Right? We actually need two different things to
create that connection, right. And so you know, it was
funny as I was talking to this a couple when
I was like, oh, yeah, she wants to talk talk
(17:00):
talk talk talk talk talk talk talk and resolve it
with you. And you go crazy because you're like lost
as she's talking, because you just want to know what's
the point, what's the thing you need to solve, what's
the thing that she came to. What's the aha moment?
And he's like, oh my god, you're making so much sense.
And I said to her, and you get frustrated because
(17:22):
he's not listening. And she's like, yes, I do. And
I was like, that's where you need your girlfriends. And
she didn't like that so much. And I understand because
I did not like that idea when I thought that
my man was supposed to be my end all be
all for everything right, and so relationships are supposed to
(17:46):
be different. So here are some things that I wanted
to share with you, things that I've learned along the
way that may or may not serve you. Right, I
say to everyone, I'm human, Right, what I share may
resonate with you, it may not take it or leave it.
(18:06):
I'm not everybody's cup of tea. And that's okay, right
hat Molly in a camra meal tea. And so this
is about sort of filter through your awareness what resonates,
toss out what doesn't, and see where on your journey
(18:27):
you are in your life and take what applies and
leave the rest. Right, So we're gonna, yeah, I think
what we're going to do. Well, we'll talk for a
little bit and then we'll take a break and then
we'll come back.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
For some more.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
So a couple of things that I think are very valuable,
specifically in male female relationships, is that women sometimes have
a hard time being patient with letting the man come
to them, taking their time. Sometimes it takes a man
(19:03):
a month, two months, three months, four months, five months
to have a difficult conversation with you. Sometimes they might
not be okay, but they might not know why they're
not okay, and they need to take their space. It's
not personal, it's not about you. It's not because they
(19:24):
don't want to connect with you. It's because they need
the space to try to come to the point. Because
everything isn't in focus, and they need that time and
space and that distance until things come into focus. And
when they do come into focus, it takes them a
lot to come to the table to share what they discovered.
(19:50):
And if you interrupt them, it shuts them down, right,
if you think you need to tell them what they know,
it shuts them down. If you are not the best
listening board. Then you say, you know, I can't wait
to hear what you discovered, but can we do this
(20:13):
when I'm not so distracted with household, yours or laundry
or all this stuff? Can we have a date night
this week where you share? Because I really what you
have to say is really important to me, right, and
this is really critical, right, just an observation what I've
known almost being here forty nine years on the planet
(20:34):
and screwing up a lot of relationships because I think
that I knew better, but I don't, right, I just
think different than the people I choose to be in
intimate relationships with. And so that's on the male side.
On the female side, you have to recognize that the
(20:55):
man doesn't always want you to come to them with
everything right that brings them and takes them sometimes out
of focus and they get confused. They also want to
solve it. So if you're wanting just to have a
conversation just to let your person know where you're at,
(21:17):
then you want to pretext it by saying, Hey, I'd
love to just share with you some things. I don't
need you to fix anything, i don't need you to
change anything. I'm just kind of having the day where
i'd love just to share what happened for me. Are
you in a place where you feel like you could
(21:38):
listen without fixing, without changing, Just listen and they can
go yes. But if you don't pre empt it, they're
going to be listening looking for the point. If you
preempt them and say I don't have a point to this,
I don't need fixing, I don't need solving, I don't
(21:59):
need need this to be problem solved, then they can.
Like watching a football game, they're not looking for the point,
they're not looking for the endgame. They're just going to
watch the game as you talk about it. Right, Really
useful information. And so my advice to a lot of
(22:20):
women is, if you've been using your man as your soul,
sounding board, as your everything, go find some girlfriends. Go
on hikes, go on walks, Go take a yoga class,
go to a dance class. Go find a group of women,
right and connect to them and use the women. Now,
this isn't go to these women and talk crap about
(22:43):
your man. That is not what I'm talking about. Go
to these women and talk life. Don't always talk life
with your man because he's frankly, most of the time,
not interested. This isn't a cut, this isn't mean. And
they just get overwhelmed with too much cone conversation, right,
(23:06):
too much funnel conversation, because it bounces all over the place. Right.
And another piece that I think is very valuable is
in the beginning, when you're in a relationship with somebody
and it's new and you're not yet sure where it's at,
you're not quite fully committed women, do not go talk crap.
(23:27):
When you get into a fight or things get funky,
do not go talk crap about the person you're dating. Right,
Go to a therapist, right, hire a coach. Do not
use your girlfriends as your sounding board for your relationships,
because here's the thing. It can create conflict in your relationship,
(23:47):
but it can also create conflict with your friendships because
they think they're giving you good advice, and then you're like,
thank you so much, and then all of a sudden
they see you like resolving it over here, and then
there's a disconnect between your relationships. Right, huge, huge, Right.
(24:07):
So this is just a little like lifebook lesson from
the life Book of Catherine through Let's see you. I
started dating my first husband when I was twenty three, right,
And I knew walking down the aisle not to marry him,
but I did and why. I was telling the story
(24:29):
to one of my best friends the other day and
I said, Wow, just realized I walked down the aisle
for him because I loved his family and I felt
like I had family, and I felt like somebody really
cared for me. And my family cared for me deeply.
But I had a very dysfunctional childhood, and I craved community,
(24:53):
I craved being seen, and I married his family because
I felt like I wanted a family, which is really
crazy to even say out loud. And it's funny because
now my mother love that woman to death, would do
anything for her incredible human being, and I actually am
(25:14):
great friends with my mom now, But at the time
my mother was going through her own life journey was
raising three other children, my siblings, and I was on
the other side of the world, in another country where
my husband didn't speak any English, and somehow I found
that charming and endearing. So we all have different stories,
(25:39):
we all have different life journeys. Nobody can tell you
what is true in your heart. But maybe some of
this will be useful. So we're going to take a
short break, and we're going to come back after the break,
and we'll continue with some things that may be relevant
for you, that may apply to shifting your relationship in
(26:03):
your life. Stay tuned and we'll be back.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Sometimes TV.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
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if the key to unlocking the weight pain, suffering, fear, anxiety, addictions,
traumas and sorrows was already inside of you. Learn to
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you can't explain what Catherine does.
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some of the world's wealthiest and most successful, no two
experiences are the same. For private sessions, online courses, live events,
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broadcasting it across the extensive Home Times, radio and TV networks,
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Eat in applesas support the feeding America nationwide network of
food banks to help provide meals to those in need.
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Join us at Feeding America dot org. All right, my
magical friends, so welcome back to the show. As always,
so excited to just just have these conversations. It's fun.
You know, spent my life feeling a little crazy and
(29:04):
spent my life also thinking that like people know what
I know. But the truth is, you know, we all
see the world differently, and nobody knows what you know
and the way you know it. Nobody can see the
way you see the world and the way you think
you see the world, or thinking that other people see
(29:26):
the world the same way you do. It's why we
have the Picassos and the Rembrandts and just all these
incredible artists, all these incredible musicians. Right. I had the
pleasure of being at Austin City Limits Music Festival last weekend,
and wow, like fifty different artists, three different stages. You know,
(29:48):
I only probably caught like ten musicians. But music is incredible,
Art is incredible, Nature is incredible. No, two trees are
like no to yusicians are like No two people are alike, right,
men and women are not alike. And so when we
(30:08):
talk about relationship in particular, today we're talking about intimate relationships,
So whether it's with a spouse, a long term partner,
whether you're dating, whether you're wanting to date, whether you're
curious about which sex you like, and all that is
your personal preference. But particular, what we're talking about is
(30:32):
just the significant difference between men and women. That actually
is they're scientific based evidence. So women have more cone
cells in the corny of their eyes eighty five percent
more than men, and men have eighty five percent more
root cells. So men like focus, They like to focus
(30:55):
on one thing. They get hyper focused on things and
you think they're ignoring, you know, they're just focused on
the one thing that can be focused on in that point.
And so this is about discovering how to sort of
put into a perspective. Like when you watch a sunset,
(31:17):
you don't just watch one point of that sunset. You
take in the entire horizon, especially if that sunset is
on a mountaintop or is on the ocean, and you
see the reflection of the colors and the clouds, right,
so magical and so same thing. This is about broadening
(31:38):
your horizons, broadening your perspective about this thing. But let's
be honest, every man is different, every woman is different.
The way what we need is different what we but
and yet this will apply to you and the way
it applies to you based on your desires, based on
(32:00):
where you are in your phase and season and journey
of life. Right. One of the things that I have
found extremely helpful, and this is just my personal opinion,
I do not believe that we are meant to stay
in the same bedroom for fifty years. Right. One of
the things that made my second husband, who is the
(32:23):
father of my son, I only have had two husbands.
I'm not sure about a third. So is one of
the things that really worked for us every day in
our relationship with my husband is when we moved in together.
We moved into one bedroom into his place that he
(32:45):
was living in. We lasted about six months and then
I got really hard and I say, can we move?
Can we move into a neutral place that we make
ours instead of it already being yours? And can we
each have our own bedroom? Right? I know couples who
have home side by side. In fact, I saw an
interview like an old little meme interview with Carol burn
(33:07):
Burnett and she was like, oh my god, the only
way I'm getting married is honey, you have your house
and I have mine, and we can live right next
door to each other. Right, But I don't believe we're
meant to stay in the same bed with the same
person for fifty years. It doesn't mean we don't stay anonymous.
But here's why I think this is really important. Because
(33:28):
getting one bedroom where you only sleep in one bedroom
for the rest of your lives together, it takes away
choice and it creates obligation. And human beings do not
like to be obligated to one another. They like choices.
(33:49):
And so when my husband and I moved in to
a neutral home, right, we were together for six years
before we got married. We then had our son the
year after we got married, and then we lasted another
two years, so we were and then we got divorced.
So we were together ten ish nine between nine and
(34:11):
ten years. And for the first six years of our
relationship together almost seven years before our son was born,
we had separate bedrooms. The entire time we had separate bedrooms.
And why this was brilliant because he had his man cave,
(34:32):
I had my woman cave. Right, we kind of had
communal space that we decorated together. But he could decorate
his bedroom anyway he wanted. He could do whatever he
wanted his bedroom, and I could have my own space
and it was my cocoon and I loved it. And
in this separate bedrooms where it really worked is that
(34:55):
every day we got to choose do we want to
sleep in the same bed or do we not? And
why this is crucial crucial is because every day what
it did on an energetic level is gave us choice
do we want to spend time together or do we not.
(35:15):
There was never an obligation. Right when we weren't okay
with each other, we'd say, hey, why don't we sleep
in separate bedrooms and let's revisit this issue tomorrow, or
let's revisit this issue in two or three days when
we feel better. We weren't going anywhere, we weren't out
the door, we didn't ever runaway bride shoes on, we
(35:38):
weren't even looking at getting married. It was just like,
this is working, and it's awesome. And I believe a
huge reason it was working is because he had his
own bedroom and I had my own bedroom, and every day,
instead of being obligated to be in the same bed
with each other. Got to choose. Now, ninety plus percent
(36:02):
of the time we slept in the same bed ninety
plus percent of the time. But those times when we
needed space, right when maybe I was, you know, going
through a lot through my menstrual cycle, and I was like,
I need to I could go into my own room
and not talk to you and watch movies and maybe
I'm gonna cry, and don't. I don't need to engage
(36:25):
you in my emotional world, whereas in the past it
would be like, I'm emotional, you have to fix it.
Men are not good at fixing women's emotions, and so women,
if you are feeling overly emotional, go to your girlfriends,
Go get a hotel for a night, go you know,
(36:47):
go on a hikeul just like, hang out with female
people or hang out by yourself. But don't when you're
overly emotional, especially when you're in your moon cycle. Don't
expect your man to be able to understand it because
his broad cell universe, the way he sees the world,
(37:08):
will get really really overwhelmed. Right, So here's another thing.
I think couples should plan an adventure one and maybe
it's once a week, maybe it's once a month, and
you take turns doing each other's stuff. But I also
(37:28):
think it's really important you both have separate lives. What
I mean by that, right, Like, you know, let's say
your partner really enjoys sports and they want to go
to a football game or they want to go to
a hockey game, where they want to go to a
soccer game, right, let them go with their buddies. Unless
you really like sports, go with them. But and then
(37:52):
you like dancing, or you like you know, opera, or
you like a concert, do that separate and then once
a month do one of the others thing right, do
something different together? Want someone right, I think it's really
helpful to have your own lives, to still be slightly
(38:14):
separate and then find ways to come together. But I
think it is extremely important for men and women to
give each other space. And why men need space till
they can talk to you if they're struggling with something, right,
they really need that time away. Now, this might not
(38:36):
apply to everybody, but this is just what I've learned
along the way. I've also learned the men love when
women have their own lives right when they are independent.
But what happens to independent women. I know this firsthand
in every relationship I've ever been in. The independent that
(38:57):
we love that you're so independent, and then we get
into relationship together and I'm like, oh good, this is
an amazing exchange, so let me support them, and then
I stop taking care of myself. And almost always is
when the relationship falls apart because they start not being okay.
(39:17):
Their world gets unraveled. Because I'm a lot, I'm a
big energy, I'm independent, I know what I want, I
know where I'm going. More or less, I know what
i want to create. And so when the man starts
to fall apart in the relationship, especially in a relationship
with an independent woman, here's my advice to all you
(39:38):
independent women out there. Let them go live your life,
keep doing the things that you did in the beginning.
Let them fall apart, don't chase them, let them come
to you, don't try to fix them. Let them have
their space, let them take a month if they need to,
maybe two months, maybe three months. Almost every independent woman
(40:01):
that I've talked to that got into a relationship that
might be still in relationship with the person that they
fell in love with. Almost everything but one of them
talks about they had a time of part because he
wasn't doing so well. Let the man figure it out
in his own way. Huge, huge, really really like honestly,
(40:25):
if I could express this one thing. But women who
are independent, they're like, oh my god, there's this man
and now he's not doing Also, let me start showing up.
And then what happens is we tend to become their mothers.
We tend to become their providers on someone, and they
don't want that. They do not want that, and then
it makes them feel like they're not the man. And
(40:48):
then guess what. Roles get reversed. You step into a
more masculine role because you are good at that if
you're independent, and then they become more feminine, and the
balances get off. It doesn't work and it gets messy.
And so my advice is, yes, check in, yes, say hi,
don't just disappear, but we just give them space. Nothing's
(41:12):
wrong with you, right, And then when you need that space,
nothing is wrong with you for needing that space. Guess what.
When this is happening, the man is upgrading, he's discovering
more of whom who he is. He's also realizing do
I want this woman in my life still? And if
(41:34):
he does, he's going to have to go through a
season or a period of transformation in his own way.
He doesn't want the therapy per se. He doesn't want
the ways that you get your nurturing and your therapy
and your AHAs and your spiritual connection. Most men don't
(41:56):
want the community. They do sometimes, but maybe they find
it going out in the woods or hanging out, you know,
with friends, or going to sports or playing sports. Right,
we all operate really differently, and I think this is
a huge distinction. And so my invitation to all of
you listening to this episode today is please go easy
(42:23):
on yourselves. Please constantly nurture what you need. And sometimes
roles will get reversed and the woman needs the space
and the man needs to let it because guess what,
We all all phases, all stages. We are all always
going through massive growth, change, growth, massive growth spurt, and
(42:48):
so sometimes, right, we're not meant to be on the
same page with each other all the time. That's not
what a relationship is. A relationship is hold space for
the others they grow or need support. Hold space for
the other as they grow. The need support and can
you grow and hold space for each other and it
(43:11):
continue them because guess what, you might fall in love
with somebody and have fallen in love with someone five
years ago, ten years ago, fifteen years ago. Please don't
expect them to be the same person that they were
when you first met. The journey, the gift, the beauty
is to continually let them evolve.
Speaker 3 (43:35):
Right.
Speaker 2 (43:35):
And sometimes women outgrow their men, and sometimes men outgrow
their women. And so we sometimes have these ideas that
we can't be ourselves anymore, or that we want ourselves
in the beginning and now we want to be but
the person's used to the old way. We've got to
give each other the benefit of the doubt, right, And
(43:57):
so instead of shutting down going away, see what it's
like to try to be yourself. See what happens. You
never know unless you try. And so my sort of
parting words for you today would be this, don't give
up who you are for somebody else. And don't assume
(44:18):
that somebody that you've been in relationship for a long
time isn't willing to grow and change with you. Don't
assume that they don't want you to be don't assume
that it's going to create problems. Assume that we're all
just doing the best damn you know thing we can
every day, and every day is different. And so the
(44:42):
question is are you willing to show up as who
you are every day and allow it to evolve and
shift and change. So, my friends' relationships, they may be complicated,
they may take us on the crazy journey, but I
believe truly that they're worth it no matter where you
(45:03):
are in your season. And that's relationships with friends, relationships
with co workers, relationships with colleagues, relationships with you know, spouses,
intimate others, children, grandchildren, parents, relationships and connecting and being
authentically you is what makes at least in my opinion,
(45:28):
this life worth living. So may you not give up
on who you are. May you continue to grow and evolve,
and may you continue to trust that where you are
is exactly where you're meant to be. So thank you
for listening. If this show today inspired you, please like it,
(45:53):
share it, continue to check out our shows, and we'll
see you next time. Thanks for being here.
Speaker 1 (46:03):
Catherine is not a medical practitioner nor a licensed therapist.
She has strong opinions and will express them and truly
believes that you are your best advocate for any and
every area of your life. If you need medical advice,
please consult your physician.
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