August 22, 2024 • 49 mins
Air Date - 21 August 2024
The Two Most Important Aspects to Thriving In All Your Relationships – Hint – it’s not Communication!
We all long for deep friendships, big love, thriving business connections and so much more, but let’s face it – relationships can be challenging.
I’m no relationship expert, but I do know a few key aspects that are instrumental in thriving in all your relationships.
Join us today for a candid look at what you might be missing and what you can do to remedy the situation.
If you resonate with this show, skip the waitlist and get instant access to a free master class that will allow you to shift Your perspective and truly discover what it takes for you to have thriving relationships with yourself and others! http://www..katherinemcintosh.com/LSASMC
http://www.katherinemcintosh.com
#Relationships #KatherineMcIntosh #TrustingYourGut #Intuition #Consciousness #Lifestyle #BodyAwareness #Health #Wellness
Visit the Trusting Your Gut Show Page https://omtimes.com/iom/shows/trusting-your-gut
Connect with Katherine McIntosh at https://www.katherinemcintosh.com
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The Two Most Important Aspects to Thriving In All Your Relationships – Hint – it’s not Communication!
We all long for deep friendships, big love, thriving business connections and so much more, but let’s face it – relationships can be challenging.
I’m no relationship expert, but I do know a few key aspects that are instrumental in thriving in all your relationships.
Join us today for a candid look at what you might be missing and what you can do to remedy the situation.
If you resonate with this show, skip the waitlist and get instant access to a free master class that will allow you to shift Your perspective and truly discover what it takes for you to have thriving relationships with yourself and others! http://www..katherinemcintosh.com/LSASMC
http://www.katherinemcintosh.com
#Relationships #KatherineMcIntosh #TrustingYourGut #Intuition #Consciousness #Lifestyle #BodyAwareness #Health #Wellness
Visit the Trusting Your Gut Show Page https://omtimes.com/iom/shows/trusting-your-gut
Connect with Katherine McIntosh at https://www.katherinemcintosh.com
Subscribe to our Newsletter https://omtimes.com/subscribe-omtimes-magazine
Connect with OMTimes on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Omtimes.Magazine/ and OMTimes Radio https://www.facebook.com/ConsciousRadiowebtv.OMTimes/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/OmTimes/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/omtimes/
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/OMTimesTV
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/company/2798417/
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/omtimes/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Be bold, be brave, be extraordinary, be vulnerable, be real,
be curious, be true. Be you. Welcome to Trusting your
gut with world class energy, intuitive Katherine McIntosh, a show
designed to awaken you to enjoy the process of evolving,
(00:29):
have fun along the way, and learn to listen to
those silent in between moments. You are the expert of
your own life and nobody knows more about the next
steps to take in your journey than you, So please
listen to your gut and discover what's waiting for you
to explore. Here is your host, Katherine McIntosh.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
All right, my magical friends, so welcome to today's show.
We are back for another episode, as we always are
every week. And for those of you who don't know
who are or who are just joining us for the
first time.
Speaker 3 (01:09):
I do take live callers.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
It's actually one of my favorite things to do. So
I do some online coaching. I also, you know, have
a private practice where I see.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Clients one on one.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
I also do group stuff, but my weekly group calls
are so valuable because these people come with questions, or
with curiosity, or with a desire to improve every in
any area of their lives. And it's my favorite thing
to sort of channel, to download, to see where they're stuck,
(01:42):
to see where we can open the light, because we've
gotten used to in our day and age thinking that
we need to clear things out of our system in
order to have a better life or get rid of
and clearing is all great, but really what creates the
magic is you being all of you, is you connecting
(02:04):
to yourself, you.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Aligning with your truth.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
And so today today we're going to do a topic
that I'm always nervous to talk about, but I think.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
That we all long for it.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
And I'm nervous because I'm not a relationship expert, right,
But I am an expert at a lot of things,
but mostly at reading energy. And even though I'm really
good at reading it in other people's lives, I'm not
always great at it, especially when it comes to relationships.
And that could be relationships with an intimate other, that
(02:40):
could be relationships with you know, staff and employees, so
the work environment, it can sometimes be my friendships.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
And so I always have.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Struggled both in the area of my business relationships when
it comes to say my staff, and have struggled in
intimate relationships. And so I wanted to have a conversation,
a transparent conversation with you about two things that I
believe are the most important aspects to a thriving relationship.
(03:16):
And that can be parent, child right, kid to kid,
adult to adult, business to business right, but relationships.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Really truly are the most valuable.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
And about a couple of years ago is I was
sort of recalibrating and looking at knowing that my business
was asking to take itself in a different direction. I
sort of sat with myself and I asked, like, what
is the most important thing to me? And what came
(03:48):
out is these relationships. And so it wasn't about the money,
it wasn't about the contract, it wasn't about you know,
whatever I was being hired to do. What was the
most valuable to me moving forward was to create and
maintain and grow these relationships that were coming into my life.
(04:12):
Right and to date, I am the busiest I've ever been.
I'm also the happiest I've ever been, and I'm not
working hard to let my business grow. I'm letting the
business speak for itself. I'm letting the work that I
do in the world speak for itself. And so that
made me want to do a show on what I
(04:35):
think are the two most valuable aspects in relationship, no
matter what relationship it is, but of course you can
apply it to intimate relationships because the truth is, we
all long for a big love, and sometimes we think
we find that love and then we realize there's some misconnects, right,
(04:58):
or there's some misunder standings, or there's this big love,
but we don't feel safe.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Right.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
And so the two most important aspects that I believe
that are essential to every thriving relationship, right. The first
one is connection, right, So feeling connected. Right. So when
we build culture in a business, the people that are
working in that organization, they love to feel connected to
(05:30):
the mission, connected to the owner or the CEO, connected
to the management, connected to those that are helping grow it,
and then connected to each other and ultimately connected to
the vision or mission or culture of that business. Right.
So connection is something that we all long for. It's
(05:52):
why when we're in love, that that heart connection that
is just like oh my gosh. And then when it
goes away, guess what, that's when the challenges come. That's
when our trauma comes up, and that's when we revert
into going from what worked to then functioning from a
(06:13):
place that isn't the healthiest in a relationship, and most
people think that in order to get the relationship back
on track. So whether it's intimate or business, but let's
use intimate for this conversation, is they think.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
They need to communicate.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
But if you are trying to communicate from a disconnected place,
it's pretty tough. And so people communicate to try to
sort of repair that connection, but they're not connected to
themselves because the relationship became the source of connection. So
(06:51):
it's not just a connection to the other, it's a
connection to the self that I believe is lacking. Now disclaimer,
as you all know, I am not a relationship expert, right,
but I will tell you that through my decades of
working with people from all walks of life, from all
(07:13):
over the world, the thing that trips most of us
up is our intimate relationships. And so I know that
I can deal personally with stress in every area of
my life, but if I am in an intimate relationship
and that connection is tender or it's not where it
(07:38):
could be, I have a really hard time doing life
right in the normal sense of the word. And so
when my relationships when I have been in intimate relationships
when they're thriving, anything in my life I can handle.
When they're not thriving, thing throws me off track. So
(08:04):
the first thing in looking at how do you sort
of cultivate relationships? So, if you're in a relationship right
now and it isn't going where you want it, or
there's questions or doubt, or there's frustrations, or you're needing
to repair something that happened within the relationship or with
(08:26):
each other, you can't repair it if you're both functioning
from a disconnected place within yourselves. Right And so I
tell couples that I work with all the time, look,
you keep going at it with each other and that's
not working. And we've been taught that if we're not working,
(08:46):
we better get together and go to the therapist and
talk it out.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
And I'm not saying.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Don't go to therapy because I know it's an incredible therapist.
In fact, one of my friends who I'm hoping to
have on the show in the future, is an incredible
relationship therapist. And we've had some really cool conversations about
relationships in general over the past few weeks.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
And so.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Relationships really are this crux. And so we think that
if we communicate, we'll get to that connection. But you
can't get to that connection if you're disconnected from yourself,
expecting the other person you're in a relationship too, to
repair that whole or that gap inside yourself. Right, and
(09:31):
so the first thing that I believe that you need
to do is connect yourself. So I tell the couples, hey,
take some time apart, right, even if you live together,
even if you're married.
Speaker 3 (09:43):
Go out, you know.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
To the woman, I say, go out with your girlfriends.
So the man, I say, go play golf, or go hiking,
or go ride motorcycles. Do something where you're connecting with
your friends outside of the relationship, and get back to you, right,
go on a nature hike. Don't discuss the relationship when
the relationship is malfunctioning. Now, a lot of therapists might
(10:08):
disagree with me. This is just my personal opinion because
what happens when you find a relationship you are each
connected to yourself being your best self. Now, sometimes one
or the other shows up pretending to be their best
selves and showing a version of themselves that they can't
(10:31):
actually maintain. I know, I've done this in the past
and relationships. I've also been the person who was in
relationships who I thought that that's who they were, and
then at the end they couldn't maintain that and reverted
back to a less lesser state, right, a lesser high vibe.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
And so the.
Speaker 4 (10:57):
Second piece that I believe is probably even more important
than connection is protection.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
And protection is this idea of feeling safe. Now, we
can't rely on another one hundred percent of the time
to make us feel safe if we haven't done the
work within ourselves to also feel safe. And so what
you need to do is sort of revisit what is
(11:30):
it or how can you provide a sense of safety
within yourself? And so, you know a lot of people say, oh,
trust is so important, and I wholeheartedly agree, But a
lot of people don't trust themselves, but they expect their
partner to trust them, right. And so if one of
(11:52):
two people are coming to the relationship and they have
severe trust issues, nine times out of ten they haven't
done the work to trust themselves. So deep within them
is this feeling of mistrust, and then they start to
project that mistrust onto the other person. So there might
be accusations of infidelity when there hasn't been infidelity. There
(12:16):
might be accusations of lying when there hasn't been any lying.
There might be, you know, accusations of a whole plethora
of things. And what is at the core of that
is that the person hasn't done the work to trust
what their truth is, to trust that they deserve love,
(12:37):
to trust that it's okay to be vulnerable, to trust
that there's nothing wrong.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
And so most of.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Us grew up with some version of a disconnected So
I'll say, trauma bond to one or both of our parents,
and then we project that trauma bond onto relationship. Now,
relationships in general, I believe are the best places to
(13:07):
grow and evolve and to do your work. Why because
your intimate relationship brings up everything. Now, when I was married,
I got divorced, I was running a company and running
a business, and I knew that one of my most
challenging aspects was my relationships with my staff. So I
developed these really intimate, incredible relationships with my staff, and
(13:32):
then something would go awry and I would get confused.
I was not my best self. They probably weren't their
best selves, not right, not wrong, But I always believe
that it's in those sort of rupture moments, as they
call it in psychology, where where that's where the magic is.
(13:53):
Once the rupture happens, right, there's a chance and an
opportunity and an open door for you to repair the rupture.
And when a rupture is repaired, there's deeper intimacy, there's
deeper connection, there's deeper understanding, there's more empathy, and there's
(14:15):
more of an alignment within yourself so that you can
bring that alignment of self to the relationship and create
a deep and deeper exchange. And so, nine times out
of ten, when I work with either individuals who are
dealing with a disconnect in their relationship or a rupture,
(14:38):
or I deal with the couple nine times or ten
times out of ten, there is a safety issue, right,
They don't feel safer, they don't trust a certain aspect
in their partner, and left unrepaired, it can cause years
(14:58):
of damage, cause not going and leaning into your partner
to repair it can cause you know, relying on your
friends or talking about your relationship not necessarily in the
best light to other people in your life, because you
can't bring that to the relationship, right. And so that
(15:24):
is the most challenging thing, right And look, there's no
right and there's no.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
Wrong here, but what there.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Is is an invitation. And so this is just my
personal belief. It's also an experience that I've had over
and over and over again with.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
People that I've worked with with all over the world.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Is when we feel unsafe, it's usually because there is
a moment in our childhood. Not always, but often it
happens between the ages of zero and three, So when
we're mostly nonverbal or pre verbal, and there's been some rupture,
(16:06):
when some feeling of we don't feel safe between the
ages of zero three, and it could be simple, we're
crying in the car in the back seat in our
seat carrier, and our parents don't want to pull over
and sort of calm us down. And so if you're
the baby in that scenario, all of a sudden, you
(16:27):
start feeling like you can't rely on your primary caregivers.
And when it happens between the ages of zero three,
it could be you had a babysitter and your parents
went out for a night and you were two years old,
and the babysitter let you cry or left you in
the dark, or you know, didn't take care of you
(16:48):
the way that felt safe. That could be a rupture
in your sort of nervous system that all of a
sudden starts sending fight or flight warning signs that this
is no longer safe, this person, this environment, this experience.
And so my son actually, as a young child, I
(17:12):
believe he was two or three, he was at his
he was in a daycare, and we loved this woman
so much. She was such an incredible human. We had
a really great relationship with her. And one day while
all of the kids were napping, I think she had
like twelve kids at the time, eight to twelve it was,
and my son loved going there, loved it. And so
(17:37):
at one point it was nap time, all the kids
went down for nap.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
Excuse me, Yeah, so we'll.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
Talk about yawning in a second. But my son went
down for a nap, and mid nap, he woke up
and he couldn't find the woman who owned the daycare.
It was out of her home, and she was in
the garage, cleaning out the garage, doing things in the backyard,
(18:06):
and he kind of looked all over the house and
wouldn't find her. And he had this sudden panic.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
That he was abandoned, and so he started crying at
the top of his lungs right, and it took him
days to recover. Now, after that happened, our son didn't
like to be left alone. So he didn't mind going
to his daycare, didn't mind if his dad or I
(18:34):
were you know, in the house or somewhere.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
In the vicinity.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
But if one of us was leaving, it brought up
these giant feelings of anxiety. And so you can't process
verbally a trauma that occurred in your system nonverbally. I
want to say that again because I believe it's really important.
You can't process verbally a trauma that happened in your body,
(19:03):
nonverbally or pre verbally. So nonverbal is the energy without words.
Pre Verbal is the energy before you developed speech, right
before you developed sort of the mental and sort of
verbal capacity of being able to speak. And a lot
(19:23):
of kids really are are pre verbal right probably farther along,
like my son really wasn't very verbal until after he
was four years old. And I did a radio show
on parenting on kids, on being on the spectrum and
the gift that being.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
On the spectrum is.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
So if you want to check out that shows, let's
talk about spectrum, really powerful, especially if you're a parent,
or if you yourself have dealt with being diagnosed with
add or the HD, or you struggle with emotional anxiety
or social anxiety, that show is probably for you, So
(20:09):
I would check it out. And so as we navigate
these sensations in relationship that we all long for so
connection and protection. One of the biggest things that I
think is so valuable, that is probably undervalued or not
(20:33):
talked about as much, is that you can't receive what
you're not willing to be. So if you're not willing
to trust you, you cannot receive somebody trusting you. So
you'll start to doubt them, You'll start to project on them,
You'll start to blame them. You might have feelings or
(20:55):
shame that arise from your past, right, and I believe, Look,
I've worked with some of the most beautiful people in
the world, and they still deal with insecurity, right, They
deal with feelings of shame, they deal with feelings of
not feeling good enough. And most of us were taught
(21:18):
whether in psychology or school, or from our parents, or
from therapy that or even from healers that, oh, let's
get rid of the trauma, and I want to have
a different conversation with you, and I might say something
that many people might disagree on, and that's okay. But
I don't believe that we can ever truly get rid
(21:41):
of the trauma in our bodies. But I do believe
that we can change our relationship to the trauma because
the trauma is an event that happened in your life, Right,
you can't just erase it completely, right. I am no
stranger to trauma. Right. I had a really traumatic childhood,
(22:03):
felt unsafe most of my childhood. I had very traumatic
relationships in my twenties, felt unsafe most of my childhood.
And I always over compensated for the people I was
in relationship with because I went, oh, they had a
terrible childhood. I'm like, so did I. But I learned
(22:27):
to navigate. And look, we're never done growing and learning,
and I have my blind spots like we all do.
But the point is is that most people are trying
to get rid of the trauma, but it's something that
happened to you, so you can't necessarily get rid of it.
You'll always have some form of a memory of it.
(22:50):
But is the memory throwing you into fight or flight,
or is the memory like you're watching a movie and
you're fascinated by scene that you're watching. And so if
you are traumatized or that story still has a charge
to it, chances are that charge is living in your
(23:14):
body as a disconnect. And every disconnect we have, disconnects
or sort of scatters, are parasympathetics, nervous systems, ability to
be in a state of calm and ease and grace
and space and surrender. And so you might be in
(23:37):
an amazing place in your life and life is thriving
and everything's working, and you love life, and all of
a sudden, you meet somebody and this somebody is somebody
really special, and it's experience you've never had before.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
We'll guess what.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
All of your stuff is going to come to the surface.
And it's coming to the surface because it's trying to
heal the things that you weren't able to heal verbally
or in therapy or through life. And it's that relationship
that activates the traumas that are still living in your
(24:14):
cellular body, even if you did therapy, even if you
processed it. When you get into those intimate relationships. Guess what,
all of our stuff comes to the surface, and it
is not wrong. It's not wrong, right, it really isn't wrong.
(24:35):
But what it is is an opportunity for you to
connect and protect, so for you to connect to yourself,
to feel protected, to feel safe within yourself. And so
a lot of us as kids, had a moment, a
small moment or a big moment in which we didn't
(24:56):
feel safe. Right in that not feeling safe, we then
project that it's somebody else's job to make us feel safe.
It's somebody else's job to connect to us. It's our
job to connect to our truth. It's our job to
(25:17):
help ourselves make ourselves feel safe. And then you can
come and sort of prepare the rupture in the relationship,
and then you can use and work with your partner
to create sort of boundaries in which you feel safe,
to open up the door and open up the channel,
(25:39):
to release out of the physical body the residual energies
that have constantly been there even when you're alone, but
now they get activated, and in their activation it feels
like fight or flight. And there's two other ones that
are talked about, which is fawn or freeze. So fawn
(26:03):
is the energy of a people pleaser, right, It's the
energy of doing whatever you can to make sure the
other person isn't And that's sort of my default. My
default is to go into freeze, go into people pleasing.
Oh you're you have a trauma wound. Okay, because I've
healed for the most part my trauma wounds except for
(26:25):
this piece, which is I'm going to abandon myself so
you don't feel abandoned, so then you feel safe. So
then we can have that connection because I really create
that connection. But all of a sudden we try to
connect and guess who's not there?
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Me? Right?
Speaker 2 (26:42):
And so if this pattern resonates with you, or some
form of a pattern that you can identify that constantly
happens to you, there's good news. It's about starting to
go within. And we're going to talk to the break
about a few things that you can do to really
(27:04):
sort of repair that disconnect within yourself. And I believe
that there are really easy ways to heal and repair
and reconnect to yourself and then emerge even greater in
the process. Right, And so we all long for a big, big,
(27:25):
big love. We all long for connection. We all long
to feel safe, and yet most of us are terrified
of getting a heartbroken, or terrified of being abandoned, or
terrified of rejection, and so we will reject or abandon
ourselves in order to maintain a connection, or will reject
(27:47):
the other person first so that they don't reject us right,
or will reject ourselves right so that we don't have
to deal with the other person rejecting us. All forms
of trying to keep ourselves safe. But it doesn't really
it's not really truly intimacy. It's intimacy with condition, right,
(28:13):
It's connection.
Speaker 3 (28:14):
With a condition. And the good news is there is
a way to change it.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
So we'll talk more about that when we come back
after the breaks is.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
Stay tuned and.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
We'll be back soon.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
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Join us at Feedingamerica dot org. Okay, my magical friend,
So welcome back to the show. Thanks for joining us,
and if you are just joining us, we are talking
about relationship and the two most important aspects that I
(31:23):
believe are foundational to every healthy relationship, whether it's an
intimate relationship, work relationship, friendship, parent, you know, child relationship.
Almost all relationships thrive when these two things are in place,
and it's not communication. Right. The first one is connection
(31:45):
and the second one is protection and that energy of
feeling safe. And so I put together sort of the
three most valuable things that I think that if you
are missing that connection or missing that feeling of protection,
what you can do about it to change?
Speaker 3 (32:04):
Right? And So the first one, and this.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
I believe is really important, is you have to believe
in yourself. So I was talking to a good friend
of mine who also happens to be a client who's
creating and has created a phenomenal product that hasn't come
to market yet. I was able to test drive it
of actually been test driving it. It's a skincare product
(32:29):
for women of a certain age, and my skin has
been feeling incredible. So when that product comes out, I
will announce it. I highly believe in it. I believe
in her. And I said to her, I said, what
did you do different with this product than any other
business adventure or product that you've created in the past.
(32:50):
And she goes, I never stopped believing in it. And
so this is such a key aspect to the foundation
of living a healthy, a live fantastic life. We did
not come here to live a mediocre life. We really didn't.
(33:12):
My yoga teacher Cocoa, I'm like, yeah, we did not
come here to live a mediocre life. We came here
to live a fantastic life, to live a life that
lights you up, to explore, to experience, to enjoy the
process of what it's like to be a human and
a physical body at this time. And I will tell you,
if you've been going through a lot of crazy times,
(33:35):
you are not alone. It is insane on the planet.
It's insane astrologically, it's insane. Politically, it's insane.
Speaker 3 (33:45):
You know in.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
Certain parts of the world in terms of safety, talk
about safety, right and gobor mate actually beautiful, amazing human
who also talks about human condition and trauma. You know,
he grew up, I believe, in Auschwitz, in a war zone, right,
and so he grew up with severe trauma in his
(34:08):
system and not feeling safe. And when you have had
a really deep wound, and look, this wound can be
like the example of my son in preschool, like in daycare, right,
that trauma. Although to us it might seem, oh, that
was no big deal, she was still there in his system,
it was a huge deal. That has created kind of
(34:31):
a big abandonment wound in his world. Right. And look,
there's other moments of abandonment that he's also experienced. His
dad and I separated when he was quite young.
Speaker 4 (34:44):
Right.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
And so it doesn't matter what the wounding is. If
you don't repair that wounding within yourself, you will always
struggle in intimate relationships because you will either function from shame,
which is I'm not enough, I'm not good enough, or
(35:05):
you'll function from I'm better, right, I'm better than you
are and I know best and The truth is we
don't always know best. So I tend to go to
the grandiose exchange, like that's my survival mechanism because I
don't want to get hurt. I know a lot of
other people go immediately to shame. And so it doesn't
(35:26):
matter which sort of side you function from. This idea
about believing in yourself, believing you're good enough, believing it's
not your fault you have these wounds, believing that you
deserve a big love. That it's safe, right, but guess what,
it's safe because you choose to do the work to
(35:49):
make yourself feel safe. No one can make you.
Speaker 3 (35:52):
Feel safe if you don't.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
So if any of you have ever had somebody in
your life that's like, you're lying to me, you're not
telling me the truth, and yeah, I actually am. And
they don't believe you. It is because they have something
inside of themselves where they don't believe themselves and because
they're in fight or flight because they feel unsafe. They
(36:14):
are projecting onto you that you're doing something because that's.
Speaker 3 (36:20):
The way that they survived.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Right. So it's really interesting information, and so how do
you cultivate a belief in yourself? It's not always a
fake it till you make it, but it is repeating
a new pattern. You can't just go, Okay, I'm gonna
believe in myself. It's all gonna be good because life happens,
Triggers happen, people happen, Assholes happen.
Speaker 3 (36:45):
Sorry should I say that? And I'll say that.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
But the point is is that we can't control our environment.
We can only control not even the way we react
to our environment, but the actions we take, or the
words we speak, or the energy we are after our
initial reaction. Right, And so to believe in yourself you
(37:08):
have to sort of do some repetitive sort of exercises
or repetitive sort of belief rerouting your belief system. And
that belief in yourself is that you're worthy. The belief
in yourself is that you're enough. The belief in yourself
is that you deserve it, that you matter. So whatever
(37:30):
your wounding is, and most of us function from one
of three core wounds, which is I'm not enough, I'm
not lovable, and I'm not worthy. I'm not enough, I'm
not lovable, and I'm not worthy. And then it sort
of sort of spirals from there. And so the trick
(37:51):
is to repeat not just verbally, right, not just mentally,
not just energetically, but physically also and your whole body.
This belief that you are enough, that you are worthy,
and so this idea that we should be able to
get rid of our fears, we should be able to
(38:11):
get rid of our unworthiness. I don't think is very kind.
What I think repairs it and when I think begins
to heal it and change the story is instead of
focusing all your energy and getting rid of it. Because
when you focus on getting rid of something, all of
a sudden, you start attracting more things that you need
(38:32):
to get rid of. When you focus on changing things,
all of a sudden, you tracked more things that you
need to change. But if you start to focus on
believing you're enough, believing there's good in the world, changing
the relationship to the not enough, changing the relationship to
(38:54):
the fear, changing the relationship to judgment, changing the relationship
to insecurity, and so you begin to cultivate this sort
of deep belief system where something can come up and go, oh,
I'm not worthy, and you're like, I actually know that.
That's a survival instinct, that's a coping mechanism, and I
(39:17):
know in my heart it's not true, right, And so
a lot of people want to process their trauma to understand.
I don't believe that we can understand why someone hurt us.
What I do, boo, do believe we can do is
see the hurt and realize that it's not her fault.
Speaker 3 (39:41):
Right.
Speaker 2 (39:43):
And so when we adopt this idea that it's our fault,
we create a lot of shame. Now I'm not saying
don't take responsibility when you actually might be the responsible
party that did hurt somebody. Right. So this is about
really in a sort of action oriented but more in
(40:05):
an energetic orientation, cultivating a new relationship with believing in yourself. Right.
The amount of famous people that I've worked with that
I think are the most beautiful, sexy, alive, fascinating, and
they come in and they are head hanging, they don't
(40:26):
feel good enough. They you know, are struggling internally, They're
struggling mentally. It's such and it's like, wow, how can
we change this dialogue? So number one, find ways to
change the dialogue, to change your relationship with believing in yourself,
(40:48):
knowing that your traumas are not your fault, knowing that
you can rewire and change the story and then change
the pattern that's embedded in the cells of your And
when we change it on a cellular level, the next
time you might get triggered, you're going to respond differently
(41:09):
to your initial reaction. Right. So I've got my notes
just so I can do this in a way that works. Right.
Speaker 3 (41:17):
The second one that I think is really really really important,
really really really important.
Speaker 2 (41:23):
And I see this more often than not people coming
to me with some something deep that they want to
work on or heal or change, or their physical body
is falling apart. Is this people pleasing? Most of us,
especially if we have been deeply embedded in trauma most
(41:44):
of our lives. Right, we become really good people pleasers.
And when you're a good people pleaser, you're not going
to taking care of yourself. You're going to taking care
of other people and sacrificing yourself in the process. And
when you're a people pleaser, guess well, your nervous system
is in fight flight font a freeze. Right, And so
(42:06):
I think that we have to learn to fire our
people pleaser. Right. I have this incredible online course where
you get weekly live calls with me, we get on zoom,
we kind of ask questions, we share our celebrations on
ahaz and the people that are in this course and
(42:27):
anyone can join at anytime. It is on a wait list.
But because you're listening to my show, I'm going to
share a link where you can get access to a
free masterclass at the end of this okay, and that
masterclass is going to give you some really key details
to help you sort of navigate shift and change your
(42:51):
desire or your default mechanism to go into people pleasing mode.
Because as a people please or you can't feel safe
when you're worrying about everybody else. You can't always believe
or have time to believe in yourself. You're doing everything
you can to try to help others feel safe, well
(43:12):
then possibly not abandoning you, and then you don't feel safe, right,
And that's kind of my biggest wound is I want
to make sure that other people know that their trauma
didn't define them and that there's a way to heal it.
But I, in the process of trying to show up
for others, I tend to abandon myself. So I created
(43:32):
this online course called People Pleasing the life shift awakening
system and in attempts to change the dialogue that we're
all having on the planet with our self esteem, with
our sense of safety, with our sense of protection, right,
(43:54):
and with our sense of connection to the self right
awareness of what is important to you. So number one,
right was, oh God, what is it? My brain is
not a belief in yourself. Number two is really navigating
and taking a good hard look at your people pleaser
(44:16):
and being willing to change that program. Right. You could
also call it codependent, right, because it does have an
element of codependency when you're a people pleaser, right, because
you don't want the relationship to go away, you don't
want to be abandoned, you don't want to be rejected.
And so that's the second one. And then the third one,
(44:40):
I believe is one of the most important, and I
believe it's starting to get talked about a lot now,
is we need to learn how to healthfully repair our
nervous systems. Because most of our nervous systems all over
the world, especially since COVID, especially since COVID, have gotten
(45:04):
sort of activated. And now we've been living in this
anxiety and the shame, in this trauma and this not
feeling safe in this aloneness because we're afraid to connect,
and so alone is our survival mechanism. But we all
(45:24):
thrive on connection, whether that's connecting to the earth, connecting
to our spirits, connecting to others, connecting to a purpose.
Connection is so important. And so I believe that we
need to learn to rewire our nervous systems. And there's
some really easy things that if you do them consistently
three to five minutes a day, it can literally change
(45:48):
the entire world. I'm evidence of that. I have very
traumatic childhood and with these three to five sometimes ten
minutes a day, these movements, right, working with the vagus nerve,
working with the tailbone, working with the energy and the spine,
and then rewriting the story. So those are the three
things that I suggest is belief in yourself, stop people pleasing,
(46:13):
and three heal your nervous system. Those are going to
get you out of fight or fight, out of fun
or freeze, and into a thriving, thriving, thriving place. And
so if you are curious, right and you would like
to check out this free master class that I call
the Life Shift Awakening System. Now I have a waitlist
(46:38):
on my website, But because you're listening to this radio show,
I'm going to give you instant access to this freemaster
class and you can get it by going to my
website Katherinemacintosh dot com. And then you have to do
forward forward slash and it's l s as mc SO
Life Shift Awaken System Masterclass. So all capitals Katherinemacintosh dot
(47:04):
com Forward slash, l SO capital L capital, S capital
A capital, S capital M capital c at l s.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
A S mc.
Speaker 2 (47:17):
SO check it out and wherever you are in the world,
I hope you know that you deserve the world, that
you are more magical than anyone knows. That you deserve
to believe in yourself. You deserve to feel safe, and
you deserve to feel connected and not alone, because the
truth is, you're never alone when you are connected to
(47:41):
your highest self, when you are connected to the source
of life and the aliveness in the abundance. So, my friends,
please know, wherever you are in the world and wherever
you are on your journey, you're not alone. Thank you
for watching. Please feel free to share this with someone
you think it would be important to share it with,
and forward to seeing you next time.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
Catherine is not a medical practitioner nor a licensed therapist.
She has strong opinions and will express them, and truly
believes that you are your best advocate for any and
every area of your life. If you need medical advice,
please consult your physician.
Be bold, be brave, be extraordinary, be vulnerable, be real,
be curious, be true. Be you. Welcome to Trusting your
gut with world class energy, intuitive Katherine McIntosh, a show
designed to awaken you to enjoy the process of evolving,
(00:29):
have fun along the way, and learn to listen to
those silent in between moments. You are the expert of
your own life and nobody knows more about the next
steps to take in your journey than you, So please
listen to your gut and discover what's waiting for you
to explore. Here is your host, Katherine McIntosh.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
All right, my magical friends, so welcome to today's show.
We are back for another episode, as we always are
every week. And for those of you who don't know
who are or who are just joining us for the
first time.
Speaker 3 (01:09):
I do take live callers.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
It's actually one of my favorite things to do. So
I do some online coaching. I also, you know, have
a private practice where I see.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Clients one on one.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
I also do group stuff, but my weekly group calls
are so valuable because these people come with questions, or
with curiosity, or with a desire to improve every in
any area of their lives. And it's my favorite thing
to sort of channel, to download, to see where they're stuck,
(01:42):
to see where we can open the light, because we've
gotten used to in our day and age thinking that
we need to clear things out of our system in
order to have a better life or get rid of
and clearing is all great, but really what creates the
magic is you being all of you, is you connecting
(02:04):
to yourself, you.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Aligning with your truth.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
And so today today we're going to do a topic
that I'm always nervous to talk about, but I think.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
That we all long for it.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
And I'm nervous because I'm not a relationship expert, right,
But I am an expert at a lot of things,
but mostly at reading energy. And even though I'm really
good at reading it in other people's lives, I'm not
always great at it, especially when it comes to relationships.
And that could be relationships with an intimate other, that
(02:40):
could be relationships with you know, staff and employees, so
the work environment, it can sometimes be my friendships.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
And so I always have.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Struggled both in the area of my business relationships when
it comes to say my staff, and have struggled in
intimate relationships. And so I wanted to have a conversation,
a transparent conversation with you about two things that I
believe are the most important aspects to a thriving relationship.
(03:16):
And that can be parent, child right, kid to kid,
adult to adult, business to business right, but relationships.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Really truly are the most valuable.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
And about a couple of years ago is I was
sort of recalibrating and looking at knowing that my business
was asking to take itself in a different direction. I
sort of sat with myself and I asked, like, what
is the most important thing to me? And what came
(03:48):
out is these relationships. And so it wasn't about the money,
it wasn't about the contract, it wasn't about you know,
whatever I was being hired to do. What was the
most valuable to me moving forward was to create and
maintain and grow these relationships that were coming into my life.
(04:12):
Right and to date, I am the busiest I've ever been.
I'm also the happiest I've ever been, and I'm not
working hard to let my business grow. I'm letting the
business speak for itself. I'm letting the work that I
do in the world speak for itself. And so that
made me want to do a show on what I
(04:35):
think are the two most valuable aspects in relationship, no
matter what relationship it is, but of course you can
apply it to intimate relationships because the truth is, we
all long for a big love, and sometimes we think
we find that love and then we realize there's some misconnects, right,
(04:58):
or there's some misunder standings, or there's this big love,
but we don't feel safe.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Right.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
And so the two most important aspects that I believe
that are essential to every thriving relationship, right. The first
one is connection, right, So feeling connected. Right. So when
we build culture in a business, the people that are
working in that organization, they love to feel connected to
(05:30):
the mission, connected to the owner or the CEO, connected
to the management, connected to those that are helping grow it,
and then connected to each other and ultimately connected to
the vision or mission or culture of that business. Right.
So connection is something that we all long for. It's
(05:52):
why when we're in love, that that heart connection that
is just like oh my gosh. And then when it
goes away, guess what, that's when the challenges come. That's
when our trauma comes up, and that's when we revert
into going from what worked to then functioning from a
(06:13):
place that isn't the healthiest in a relationship, and most
people think that in order to get the relationship back
on track. So whether it's intimate or business, but let's
use intimate for this conversation, is they think.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
They need to communicate.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
But if you are trying to communicate from a disconnected place,
it's pretty tough. And so people communicate to try to
sort of repair that connection, but they're not connected to
themselves because the relationship became the source of connection. So
(06:51):
it's not just a connection to the other, it's a
connection to the self that I believe is lacking. Now disclaimer,
as you all know, I am not a relationship expert, right,
but I will tell you that through my decades of
working with people from all walks of life, from all
(07:13):
over the world, the thing that trips most of us
up is our intimate relationships. And so I know that
I can deal personally with stress in every area of
my life, but if I am in an intimate relationship
and that connection is tender or it's not where it
(07:38):
could be, I have a really hard time doing life
right in the normal sense of the word. And so
when my relationships when I have been in intimate relationships
when they're thriving, anything in my life I can handle.
When they're not thriving, thing throws me off track. So
(08:04):
the first thing in looking at how do you sort
of cultivate relationships? So, if you're in a relationship right
now and it isn't going where you want it, or
there's questions or doubt, or there's frustrations, or you're needing
to repair something that happened within the relationship or with
(08:26):
each other, you can't repair it if you're both functioning
from a disconnected place within yourselves. Right And so I
tell couples that I work with all the time, look,
you keep going at it with each other and that's
not working. And we've been taught that if we're not working,
(08:46):
we better get together and go to the therapist and
talk it out.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
And I'm not saying.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Don't go to therapy because I know it's an incredible therapist.
In fact, one of my friends who I'm hoping to
have on the show in the future, is an incredible
relationship therapist. And we've had some really cool conversations about
relationships in general over the past few weeks.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
And so.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Relationships really are this crux. And so we think that
if we communicate, we'll get to that connection. But you
can't get to that connection if you're disconnected from yourself,
expecting the other person you're in a relationship too, to
repair that whole or that gap inside yourself. Right, and
(09:31):
so the first thing that I believe that you need
to do is connect yourself. So I tell the couples, hey,
take some time apart, right, even if you live together,
even if you're married.
Speaker 3 (09:43):
Go out, you know.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
To the woman, I say, go out with your girlfriends.
So the man, I say, go play golf, or go hiking,
or go ride motorcycles. Do something where you're connecting with
your friends outside of the relationship, and get back to you, right,
go on a nature hike. Don't discuss the relationship when
the relationship is malfunctioning. Now, a lot of therapists might
(10:08):
disagree with me. This is just my personal opinion because
what happens when you find a relationship you are each
connected to yourself being your best self. Now, sometimes one
or the other shows up pretending to be their best
selves and showing a version of themselves that they can't
(10:31):
actually maintain. I know, I've done this in the past
and relationships. I've also been the person who was in
relationships who I thought that that's who they were, and
then at the end they couldn't maintain that and reverted
back to a less lesser state, right, a lesser high vibe.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
And so the.
Speaker 4 (10:57):
Second piece that I believe is probably even more important
than connection is protection.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
And protection is this idea of feeling safe. Now, we
can't rely on another one hundred percent of the time
to make us feel safe if we haven't done the
work within ourselves to also feel safe. And so what
you need to do is sort of revisit what is
(11:30):
it or how can you provide a sense of safety
within yourself? And so, you know a lot of people say, oh,
trust is so important, and I wholeheartedly agree, But a
lot of people don't trust themselves, but they expect their
partner to trust them, right. And so if one of
(11:52):
two people are coming to the relationship and they have
severe trust issues, nine times out of ten they haven't
done the work to trust themselves. So deep within them
is this feeling of mistrust, and then they start to
project that mistrust onto the other person. So there might
be accusations of infidelity when there hasn't been infidelity. There
(12:16):
might be accusations of lying when there hasn't been any lying.
There might be, you know, accusations of a whole plethora
of things. And what is at the core of that
is that the person hasn't done the work to trust
what their truth is, to trust that they deserve love,
(12:37):
to trust that it's okay to be vulnerable, to trust
that there's nothing wrong.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
And so most of.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Us grew up with some version of a disconnected So
I'll say, trauma bond to one or both of our parents,
and then we project that trauma bond onto relationship. Now,
relationships in general, I believe are the best places to
(13:07):
grow and evolve and to do your work. Why because
your intimate relationship brings up everything. Now, when I was married,
I got divorced, I was running a company and running
a business, and I knew that one of my most
challenging aspects was my relationships with my staff. So I
developed these really intimate, incredible relationships with my staff, and
(13:32):
then something would go awry and I would get confused.
I was not my best self. They probably weren't their
best selves, not right, not wrong, But I always believe
that it's in those sort of rupture moments, as they
call it in psychology, where where that's where the magic is.
(13:53):
Once the rupture happens, right, there's a chance and an
opportunity and an open door for you to repair the rupture.
And when a rupture is repaired, there's deeper intimacy, there's
deeper connection, there's deeper understanding, there's more empathy, and there's
(14:15):
more of an alignment within yourself so that you can
bring that alignment of self to the relationship and create
a deep and deeper exchange. And so, nine times out
of ten, when I work with either individuals who are
dealing with a disconnect in their relationship or a rupture,
(14:38):
or I deal with the couple nine times or ten
times out of ten, there is a safety issue, right,
They don't feel safer, they don't trust a certain aspect
in their partner, and left unrepaired, it can cause years
(14:58):
of damage, cause not going and leaning into your partner
to repair it can cause you know, relying on your
friends or talking about your relationship not necessarily in the
best light to other people in your life, because you
can't bring that to the relationship, right. And so that
(15:24):
is the most challenging thing, right And look, there's no
right and there's no.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
Wrong here, but what there.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Is is an invitation. And so this is just my
personal belief. It's also an experience that I've had over
and over and over again with.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
People that I've worked with with all over the world.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Is when we feel unsafe, it's usually because there is
a moment in our childhood. Not always, but often it
happens between the ages of zero and three, So when
we're mostly nonverbal or pre verbal, and there's been some rupture,
(16:06):
when some feeling of we don't feel safe between the
ages of zero three, and it could be simple, we're
crying in the car in the back seat in our
seat carrier, and our parents don't want to pull over
and sort of calm us down. And so if you're
the baby in that scenario, all of a sudden, you
(16:27):
start feeling like you can't rely on your primary caregivers.
And when it happens between the ages of zero three,
it could be you had a babysitter and your parents
went out for a night and you were two years old,
and the babysitter let you cry or left you in
the dark, or you know, didn't take care of you
(16:48):
the way that felt safe. That could be a rupture
in your sort of nervous system that all of a
sudden starts sending fight or flight warning signs that this
is no longer safe, this person, this environment, this experience.
And so my son actually, as a young child, I
(17:12):
believe he was two or three, he was at his
he was in a daycare, and we loved this woman
so much. She was such an incredible human. We had
a really great relationship with her. And one day while
all of the kids were napping, I think she had
like twelve kids at the time, eight to twelve it was,
and my son loved going there, loved it. And so
(17:37):
at one point it was nap time, all the kids
went down for nap.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
Excuse me, Yeah, so we'll.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
Talk about yawning in a second. But my son went
down for a nap, and mid nap, he woke up
and he couldn't find the woman who owned the daycare.
It was out of her home, and she was in
the garage, cleaning out the garage, doing things in the backyard,
(18:06):
and he kind of looked all over the house and
wouldn't find her. And he had this sudden panic.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
That he was abandoned, and so he started crying at
the top of his lungs right, and it took him
days to recover. Now, after that happened, our son didn't
like to be left alone. So he didn't mind going
to his daycare, didn't mind if his dad or I
(18:34):
were you know, in the house or somewhere.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
In the vicinity.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
But if one of us was leaving, it brought up
these giant feelings of anxiety. And so you can't process
verbally a trauma that occurred in your system nonverbally. I
want to say that again because I believe it's really important.
You can't process verbally a trauma that happened in your body,
(19:03):
nonverbally or pre verbally. So nonverbal is the energy without words.
Pre Verbal is the energy before you developed speech, right
before you developed sort of the mental and sort of
verbal capacity of being able to speak. And a lot
(19:23):
of kids really are are pre verbal right probably farther along,
like my son really wasn't very verbal until after he
was four years old. And I did a radio show
on parenting on kids, on being on the spectrum and
the gift that being.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
On the spectrum is.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
So if you want to check out that shows, let's
talk about spectrum, really powerful, especially if you're a parent,
or if you yourself have dealt with being diagnosed with
add or the HD, or you struggle with emotional anxiety
or social anxiety, that show is probably for you, So
(20:09):
I would check it out. And so as we navigate
these sensations in relationship that we all long for so
connection and protection. One of the biggest things that I
think is so valuable, that is probably undervalued or not
(20:33):
talked about as much, is that you can't receive what
you're not willing to be. So if you're not willing
to trust you, you cannot receive somebody trusting you. So
you'll start to doubt them, You'll start to project on them,
You'll start to blame them. You might have feelings or
(20:55):
shame that arise from your past, right, and I believe, Look,
I've worked with some of the most beautiful people in
the world, and they still deal with insecurity, right, They
deal with feelings of shame, they deal with feelings of
not feeling good enough. And most of us were taught
(21:18):
whether in psychology or school, or from our parents, or
from therapy that or even from healers that, oh, let's
get rid of the trauma, and I want to have
a different conversation with you, and I might say something
that many people might disagree on, and that's okay. But
I don't believe that we can ever truly get rid
(21:41):
of the trauma in our bodies. But I do believe
that we can change our relationship to the trauma because
the trauma is an event that happened in your life, Right,
you can't just erase it completely, right. I am no
stranger to trauma. Right. I had a really traumatic childhood,
(22:03):
felt unsafe most of my childhood. I had very traumatic
relationships in my twenties, felt unsafe most of my childhood.
And I always over compensated for the people I was
in relationship with because I went, oh, they had a
terrible childhood. I'm like, so did I. But I learned
(22:27):
to navigate. And look, we're never done growing and learning,
and I have my blind spots like we all do.
But the point is is that most people are trying
to get rid of the trauma, but it's something that
happened to you, so you can't necessarily get rid of it.
You'll always have some form of a memory of it.
(22:50):
But is the memory throwing you into fight or flight,
or is the memory like you're watching a movie and
you're fascinated by scene that you're watching. And so if
you are traumatized or that story still has a charge
to it, chances are that charge is living in your
(23:14):
body as a disconnect. And every disconnect we have, disconnects
or sort of scatters, are parasympathetics, nervous systems, ability to
be in a state of calm and ease and grace
and space and surrender. And so you might be in
(23:37):
an amazing place in your life and life is thriving
and everything's working, and you love life, and all of
a sudden, you meet somebody and this somebody is somebody
really special, and it's experience you've never had before.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
We'll guess what.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
All of your stuff is going to come to the surface.
And it's coming to the surface because it's trying to
heal the things that you weren't able to heal verbally
or in therapy or through life. And it's that relationship
that activates the traumas that are still living in your
(24:14):
cellular body, even if you did therapy, even if you
processed it. When you get into those intimate relationships. Guess what,
all of our stuff comes to the surface, and it
is not wrong. It's not wrong, right, it really isn't wrong.
(24:35):
But what it is is an opportunity for you to
connect and protect, so for you to connect to yourself,
to feel protected, to feel safe within yourself. And so
a lot of us as kids, had a moment, a
small moment or a big moment in which we didn't
(24:56):
feel safe. Right in that not feeling safe, we then
project that it's somebody else's job to make us feel safe.
It's somebody else's job to connect to us. It's our
job to connect to our truth. It's our job to
(25:17):
help ourselves make ourselves feel safe. And then you can
come and sort of prepare the rupture in the relationship,
and then you can use and work with your partner
to create sort of boundaries in which you feel safe,
to open up the door and open up the channel,
(25:39):
to release out of the physical body the residual energies
that have constantly been there even when you're alone, but
now they get activated, and in their activation it feels
like fight or flight. And there's two other ones that
are talked about, which is fawn or freeze. So fawn
(26:03):
is the energy of a people pleaser, right, It's the
energy of doing whatever you can to make sure the
other person isn't And that's sort of my default. My
default is to go into freeze, go into people pleasing.
Oh you're you have a trauma wound. Okay, because I've
healed for the most part my trauma wounds except for
(26:25):
this piece, which is I'm going to abandon myself so
you don't feel abandoned, so then you feel safe. So
then we can have that connection because I really create
that connection. But all of a sudden we try to
connect and guess who's not there?
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Me? Right?
Speaker 2 (26:42):
And so if this pattern resonates with you, or some
form of a pattern that you can identify that constantly
happens to you, there's good news. It's about starting to
go within. And we're going to talk to the break
about a few things that you can do to really
(27:04):
sort of repair that disconnect within yourself. And I believe
that there are really easy ways to heal and repair
and reconnect to yourself and then emerge even greater in
the process. Right, And so we all long for a big, big,
(27:25):
big love. We all long for connection. We all long
to feel safe, and yet most of us are terrified
of getting a heartbroken, or terrified of being abandoned, or
terrified of rejection, and so we will reject or abandon
ourselves in order to maintain a connection, or will reject
(27:47):
the other person first so that they don't reject us right,
or will reject ourselves right so that we don't have
to deal with the other person rejecting us. All forms
of trying to keep ourselves safe. But it doesn't really
it's not really truly intimacy. It's intimacy with condition, right,
(28:13):
It's connection.
Speaker 3 (28:14):
With a condition. And the good news is there is
a way to change it.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
So we'll talk more about that when we come back
after the breaks is.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
Stay tuned and.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
We'll be back soon.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Some times TV, do.
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Join us at Feedingamerica dot org. Okay, my magical friend,
So welcome back to the show. Thanks for joining us,
and if you are just joining us, we are talking
about relationship and the two most important aspects that I
(31:23):
believe are foundational to every healthy relationship, whether it's an
intimate relationship, work relationship, friendship, parent, you know, child relationship.
Almost all relationships thrive when these two things are in place,
and it's not communication. Right. The first one is connection
(31:45):
and the second one is protection and that energy of
feeling safe. And so I put together sort of the
three most valuable things that I think that if you
are missing that connection or missing that feeling of protection,
what you can do about it to change?
Speaker 3 (32:04):
Right? And So the first one, and this.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
I believe is really important, is you have to believe
in yourself. So I was talking to a good friend
of mine who also happens to be a client who's
creating and has created a phenomenal product that hasn't come
to market yet. I was able to test drive it
of actually been test driving it. It's a skincare product
(32:29):
for women of a certain age, and my skin has
been feeling incredible. So when that product comes out, I
will announce it. I highly believe in it. I believe
in her. And I said to her, I said, what
did you do different with this product than any other
business adventure or product that you've created in the past.
(32:50):
And she goes, I never stopped believing in it. And
so this is such a key aspect to the foundation
of living a healthy, a live fantastic life. We did
not come here to live a mediocre life. We really didn't.
(33:12):
My yoga teacher Cocoa, I'm like, yeah, we did not
come here to live a mediocre life. We came here
to live a fantastic life, to live a life that
lights you up, to explore, to experience, to enjoy the
process of what it's like to be a human and
a physical body at this time. And I will tell you,
if you've been going through a lot of crazy times,
(33:35):
you are not alone. It is insane on the planet.
It's insane astrologically, it's insane. Politically, it's insane.
Speaker 3 (33:45):
You know in.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
Certain parts of the world in terms of safety, talk
about safety, right and gobor mate actually beautiful, amazing human
who also talks about human condition and trauma. You know,
he grew up, I believe, in Auschwitz, in a war zone, right,
and so he grew up with severe trauma in his
(34:08):
system and not feeling safe. And when you have had
a really deep wound, and look, this wound can be
like the example of my son in preschool, like in daycare, right,
that trauma. Although to us it might seem, oh, that
was no big deal, she was still there in his system,
it was a huge deal. That has created kind of
(34:31):
a big abandonment wound in his world. Right. And look,
there's other moments of abandonment that he's also experienced. His
dad and I separated when he was quite young.
Speaker 4 (34:44):
Right.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
And so it doesn't matter what the wounding is. If
you don't repair that wounding within yourself, you will always
struggle in intimate relationships because you will either function from shame,
which is I'm not enough, I'm not good enough, or
(35:05):
you'll function from I'm better, right, I'm better than you
are and I know best and The truth is we
don't always know best. So I tend to go to
the grandiose exchange, like that's my survival mechanism because I
don't want to get hurt. I know a lot of
other people go immediately to shame. And so it doesn't
(35:26):
matter which sort of side you function from. This idea
about believing in yourself, believing you're good enough, believing it's
not your fault you have these wounds, believing that you
deserve a big love. That it's safe, right, but guess what,
it's safe because you choose to do the work to
(35:49):
make yourself feel safe. No one can make you.
Speaker 3 (35:52):
Feel safe if you don't.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
So if any of you have ever had somebody in
your life that's like, you're lying to me, you're not
telling me the truth, and yeah, I actually am. And
they don't believe you. It is because they have something
inside of themselves where they don't believe themselves and because
they're in fight or flight because they feel unsafe. They
(36:14):
are projecting onto you that you're doing something because that's.
Speaker 3 (36:20):
The way that they survived.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Right. So it's really interesting information, and so how do
you cultivate a belief in yourself? It's not always a
fake it till you make it, but it is repeating
a new pattern. You can't just go, Okay, I'm gonna
believe in myself. It's all gonna be good because life happens,
Triggers happen, people happen, Assholes happen.
Speaker 3 (36:45):
Sorry should I say that? And I'll say that.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
But the point is is that we can't control our environment.
We can only control not even the way we react
to our environment, but the actions we take, or the
words we speak, or the energy we are after our
initial reaction. Right, And so to believe in yourself you
(37:08):
have to sort of do some repetitive sort of exercises
or repetitive sort of belief rerouting your belief system. And
that belief in yourself is that you're worthy. The belief
in yourself is that you're enough. The belief in yourself
is that you deserve it, that you matter. So whatever
(37:30):
your wounding is, and most of us function from one
of three core wounds, which is I'm not enough, I'm
not lovable, and I'm not worthy. I'm not enough, I'm
not lovable, and I'm not worthy. And then it sort
of sort of spirals from there. And so the trick
(37:51):
is to repeat not just verbally, right, not just mentally,
not just energetically, but physically also and your whole body.
This belief that you are enough, that you are worthy,
and so this idea that we should be able to
get rid of our fears, we should be able to
(38:11):
get rid of our unworthiness. I don't think is very kind.
What I think repairs it and when I think begins
to heal it and change the story is instead of
focusing all your energy and getting rid of it. Because
when you focus on getting rid of something, all of
a sudden, you start attracting more things that you need
(38:32):
to get rid of. When you focus on changing things,
all of a sudden, you tracked more things that you
need to change. But if you start to focus on
believing you're enough, believing there's good in the world, changing
the relationship to the not enough, changing the relationship to
(38:54):
the fear, changing the relationship to judgment, changing the relationship
to insecurity, and so you begin to cultivate this sort
of deep belief system where something can come up and go, oh,
I'm not worthy, and you're like, I actually know that.
That's a survival instinct, that's a coping mechanism, and I
(39:17):
know in my heart it's not true, right, And so
a lot of people want to process their trauma to understand.
I don't believe that we can understand why someone hurt us.
What I do, boo, do believe we can do is
see the hurt and realize that it's not her fault.
Speaker 3 (39:41):
Right.
Speaker 2 (39:43):
And so when we adopt this idea that it's our fault,
we create a lot of shame. Now I'm not saying
don't take responsibility when you actually might be the responsible
party that did hurt somebody. Right. So this is about
really in a sort of action oriented but more in
(40:05):
an energetic orientation, cultivating a new relationship with believing in yourself. Right.
The amount of famous people that I've worked with that
I think are the most beautiful, sexy, alive, fascinating, and
they come in and they are head hanging, they don't
(40:26):
feel good enough. They you know, are struggling internally, They're
struggling mentally. It's such and it's like, wow, how can
we change this dialogue? So number one, find ways to
change the dialogue, to change your relationship with believing in yourself,
(40:48):
knowing that your traumas are not your fault, knowing that
you can rewire and change the story and then change
the pattern that's embedded in the cells of your And
when we change it on a cellular level, the next
time you might get triggered, you're going to respond differently
(41:09):
to your initial reaction. Right. So I've got my notes
just so I can do this in a way that works. Right.
Speaker 3 (41:17):
The second one that I think is really really really important,
really really really important.
Speaker 2 (41:23):
And I see this more often than not people coming
to me with some something deep that they want to
work on or heal or change, or their physical body
is falling apart. Is this people pleasing? Most of us,
especially if we have been deeply embedded in trauma most
(41:44):
of our lives. Right, we become really good people pleasers.
And when you're a good people pleaser, you're not going
to taking care of yourself. You're going to taking care
of other people and sacrificing yourself in the process. And
when you're a people pleaser, guess well, your nervous system
is in fight flight font a freeze. Right, And so
(42:06):
I think that we have to learn to fire our
people pleaser. Right. I have this incredible online course where
you get weekly live calls with me, we get on zoom,
we kind of ask questions, we share our celebrations on
ahaz and the people that are in this course and
(42:27):
anyone can join at anytime. It is on a wait list.
But because you're listening to my show, I'm going to
share a link where you can get access to a
free masterclass at the end of this okay, and that
masterclass is going to give you some really key details
to help you sort of navigate shift and change your
(42:51):
desire or your default mechanism to go into people pleasing mode.
Because as a people please or you can't feel safe
when you're worrying about everybody else. You can't always believe
or have time to believe in yourself. You're doing everything
you can to try to help others feel safe, well
(43:12):
then possibly not abandoning you, and then you don't feel safe, right,
And that's kind of my biggest wound is I want
to make sure that other people know that their trauma
didn't define them and that there's a way to heal it.
But I, in the process of trying to show up
for others, I tend to abandon myself. So I created
(43:32):
this online course called People Pleasing the life shift awakening
system and in attempts to change the dialogue that we're
all having on the planet with our self esteem, with
our sense of safety, with our sense of protection, right,
(43:54):
and with our sense of connection to the self right
awareness of what is important to you. So number one,
right was, oh God, what is it? My brain is
not a belief in yourself. Number two is really navigating
and taking a good hard look at your people pleaser
(44:16):
and being willing to change that program. Right. You could
also call it codependent, right, because it does have an
element of codependency when you're a people pleaser, right, because
you don't want the relationship to go away, you don't
want to be abandoned, you don't want to be rejected.
And so that's the second one. And then the third one,
(44:40):
I believe is one of the most important, and I
believe it's starting to get talked about a lot now,
is we need to learn how to healthfully repair our
nervous systems. Because most of our nervous systems all over
the world, especially since COVID, especially since COVID, have gotten
(45:04):
sort of activated. And now we've been living in this
anxiety and the shame, in this trauma and this not
feeling safe in this aloneness because we're afraid to connect,
and so alone is our survival mechanism. But we all
(45:24):
thrive on connection, whether that's connecting to the earth, connecting
to our spirits, connecting to others, connecting to a purpose.
Connection is so important. And so I believe that we
need to learn to rewire our nervous systems. And there's
some really easy things that if you do them consistently
three to five minutes a day, it can literally change
(45:48):
the entire world. I'm evidence of that. I have very
traumatic childhood and with these three to five sometimes ten
minutes a day, these movements, right, working with the vagus nerve,
working with the tailbone, working with the energy and the spine,
and then rewriting the story. So those are the three
things that I suggest is belief in yourself, stop people pleasing,
(46:13):
and three heal your nervous system. Those are going to
get you out of fight or fight, out of fun
or freeze, and into a thriving, thriving, thriving place. And
so if you are curious, right and you would like
to check out this free master class that I call
the Life Shift Awakening System. Now I have a waitlist
(46:38):
on my website, But because you're listening to this radio show,
I'm going to give you instant access to this freemaster
class and you can get it by going to my
website Katherinemacintosh dot com. And then you have to do
forward forward slash and it's l s as mc SO
Life Shift Awaken System Masterclass. So all capitals Katherinemacintosh dot
(47:04):
com Forward slash, l SO capital L capital, S capital
A capital, S capital M capital c at l s.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
A S mc.
Speaker 2 (47:17):
SO check it out and wherever you are in the world,
I hope you know that you deserve the world, that
you are more magical than anyone knows. That you deserve
to believe in yourself. You deserve to feel safe, and
you deserve to feel connected and not alone, because the
truth is, you're never alone when you are connected to
(47:41):
your highest self, when you are connected to the source
of life and the aliveness in the abundance. So, my friends,
please know, wherever you are in the world and wherever
you are on your journey, you're not alone. Thank you
for watching. Please feel free to share this with someone
you think it would be important to share it with,
and forward to seeing you next time.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
Catherine is not a medical practitioner nor a licensed therapist.
She has strong opinions and will express them, and truly
believes that you are your best advocate for any and
every area of your life. If you need medical advice,
please consult your physician.
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