May 26, 2025 • 33 mins
Tori Jenae has lived through a personal hell that has included childhood trauma, family dysfunction, betrayal, abandonment, divorce, plus the kind of grief that can crack a person’s soul wide open. Remarkably, she not only survived, she transformed. As a trauma-informed confidence and relationship coach with over 13 years of experience, Tori now helps women heal, starting at their emotional, psychological, and spiritual roots. Tori supports women in rebuilding their self-worth, breaking unconscious or sabotaging patterns, and creating healthy, aligned relationships. Her work effectively focuses on guiding women through debilitating life changes, including divorce, breakups, and personal loss, to a place where they can create a life of love, confidence, and the success they long for.
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Episode Transcript
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Virgin, Beauty, Bitch, Podcast (00:00):
inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique
(00:10):
life experiences without fear of being defiantly different.
Your hosts, Christopher and Heather, let's talk, shall we?
Pinch yourself if this sounds familiar.
You are very good at what you do for a living, but somehow you still feel unfulfilled
or maybe you're making very good money, but feel disappointed that you're not making
(00:36):
a difference.
If any of these hit home, you will want to meet our guest, transformational psychology
coach, confidence and relationship mentor, and creator of the Reclamation Method, Tori
Jenae.
Welcome Tori to Virgin Beauty Bitch.
Oh, thank you so much.
So honored to be here.
We are honored ourselves to have you.
(00:57):
Thank you for doing this.
Now, Tori, if someone had told you this, that one day you will be heading your own transformational
group coaching program.
It's going to be built around your own traumatic life experiences, and you're going to be doing
all this while living in Beverly Hills, California.
You might have said what?
(01:17):
I would have said
there is no way that that is possible for someone from where I came from.
I'm definitely a self-made woman, and I grew up in a lot of struggle, both my parents struggled
with addiction, and obviously, we struggled financially at times really badly.
So I had to make some radically different choices in life and put myself to university.
(01:41):
I left home at 17.
I helped take care of my little brother.
Like, there's so many things that made me who I am and made me walk through that fire
of transformation.
And then over the last 26 years, I've just picked up as many tools as I can not only to heal
myself, but to help other women and some men I work with as well.
It's a really heal and transform and turn our deepest pain into our purpose and our
(02:05):
wounds and to our wisdom.
And just, I really believe that no matter where you come from, no matter what's happened to
you, you can make a different choice.
So going back to the start of this, you once had the typical 9 to 5 job.
I sure did.
You were doing well.
You were a success.
(02:26):
So what made you jump off that cliff?
Yeah, that's such a good question.
So out of university, I did want to become a therapist, but in the United States, we have
to do a lot of training.
So it's six years of university plus 3,000 hours of training that's very low paid.
And because of where I came from and I just didn't have that opportunity to do that early
(02:49):
on.
So when I came out of university, I was like, okay, I need to get a job.
What can I do that's related to psychology?
So I went into human resources and I was very good at it.
By the time I was 30, I was an HR manager for a 7,000 person company.
I had tons of direct reports.
I was, you know, the quote unquote success.
I literally had the house, the husband, the car, the job, all of it.
(03:09):
And I was miserable.
And I did not understand what was happening.
And that was really kind of part of my spiritual awakening of recognizing like, wow, not living
my purpose.
Even though I've checked all the boxes I'm supposed to check as a woman, this is not making me
happy.
It's not fulfilling me.
And I think we're all a little bit different than what our soul came here to experience
(03:29):
and fulfill.
But for me, like that purpose was so deep and so necessary.
And my sister had addiction issues as well.
And so she suddenly overdosed and she passed away.
And that was actually one of the catalysts that, like, my sister didn't even make it till
the age of 40.
And so that really woke me up because I was terrified to leave that six figure job.
(03:50):
All, you know, the golden handcuffs as we say here in the US.
And I was so scared to make it.
But when she left this planet, I was like, life is short.
I cannot waste any more time.
And that's when I took the leap and I left.
And I remember, like, literally praying, like saying, I promise God, like, I will leave this
job.
And I'm not really like super religious, but I'm spiritual.
(04:10):
But I remember telling the universe, like, I hear you, I get the message, and know I'm
not happy.
And that sent me on, like, I was kind of on a path of finding more meaning and purpose.
But that, my sister passing was really the big catalyst.
I think, I mean, it sounds really reminiscent from what I've read about your story.
(04:32):
And first of all, just really, really sorry to hear about your sister.
That thing sounds incredibly challenging.
And really what you've done with it to help others is remarkable.
And would you mind sharing with our listeners how that moment and that choice that you decided
to make led you to combine Western psychology and Eastern wisdom into your practice?
(04:58):
Oh my God, that's such a good question.
So, I moved to Japan when I was about 19, and I studied Buddhism.
So that really made a lot of sense to me.
But then I was also at university going studying Western psychology.
And what I found through my own journey was having a lot of trauma myself.
And you know, that's the tip of the iceberg of my story the last 11 years of how much loss
(05:18):
I experienced.
But I really found that in order to heal, we have to heal the mind and the body.
And so that required me doing, like I started doing yoga when I was about 21.
I learned all these psychological theories.
I learned Buddhism.
How do I change my mindset?
Because psychology will tell you really what's going on with you, give yourself awareness.
(05:38):
How do I understand myself what's happened to me my past?
But it doesn't really tell you how you're supposed to think.
How are we, like, what is a new framework if we're not in victim mindset?
How are we in an empowered mindset?
How do we really let go?
How do we stop caring about what people think of us?
You know, these are all like life's bigger questions.
And so I found that like as I went along my path, I was equally studying.
(05:59):
Both Eastern philosophy and Western psychology.
And then I found like, they really need each other because they're two halves of a whole.
I can do the healing with the psychology and the understanding and the depth work.
But I need that connection to myself to truth and a new framework for how to think.
How do, like I said, like, who am I really?
(06:21):
What do I really think?
What are my old patterns, programs, processes?
And how do I step into authenticity and releasing all the things that don't work for me?
And that's where I really found Eastern wisdom, spirituality, yoga, I've studied Kabbalah.
Like, I've been down every road because I wanted to find the deepest answers.
(06:42):
And I wanted to be able to work with people from every walk of the world.
Like I've clients, LA, New York, London, and Dubai.
So I've got people who are Christian, Muslim, like you name it.
Like we really connect them into like the core of who they are and stripping away.
All of that stuff to allow the really the soul to speak, the mind, the heal and the body
(07:04):
to release it all and integrate it.
Because our goal was really to bring heaven to our, like our own version of heaven to our.
That's fascinating.
Heather and I, I mean, the show is built on some premises of feminine masculine, yin yang.
And throughout the planet, we seem to want to separate these things.
(07:27):
And you find it just in your own practice.
There are two different energies that you had to bring together yourself.
Like they didn't teach you both of these things together.
No, they're always separate.
What is up with that?
Why do we do that?
I think the mind loves to have things in clean boxes.
Like we're very uncomfortable as humans with the unknown, with the gray, with, and we really
(07:51):
want to keep things clean and separate.
You know, it's like we want to know like, okay, this is Western psychology and this is science
and this is spirituality.
And I really think they're all the same thing.
You know, we're all drops from the same ocean.
We're all connected in some way.
And the masculine, the feminine exist in all of us.
And I get really discouraged sometimes when people talk about like I can only be one
(08:13):
or the other.
Like masculine is the action, the doing, the leading, the giving.
Women can do that too.
It doesn't matter your physical body.
And feminine is receiving its creation, its intuition.
And you know, we all need those energies at different times in our lives.
And yes, we can lead with one energy or the other.
But without that integration of all the parts of ourselves, our masculine and our feminine,
(08:38):
we, you know, I can sit here and completely sit in my feminine and get all these great
intuitive ideas.
But if I don't have some of that masculine energy to take the action on those ideas, I'm
not going to change the world with what came into me, what was given to me.
I think even in, you know, how you've framed your practice with it being, you know, some
(08:59):
of our listeners may be unfamiliar with energy psychology, which I think really is that pairing
of what you've just discussed there.
Can you kind of unpack a little bit more about what that entails, you know, given what you
had said around, you know, the Western kind of being understanding your patterns, understanding
your traumas and your background, and then the Eastern wisdom being, you know, setting
(09:23):
a new framework.
Can you kind of walk them through a little bit about what that is with working with you?
Yeah, so I'll try to make it like super real life, so it's so easy to understand.
So ultimately, like our psychology is all of our past, our programs, our childhood, that
kind of stuff.
Look at that through psychological lens so that you really understand yourself, if you're
struggling in a relationship, let's say, well, maybe you have an anxious attachment style.
(09:48):
So dating someone like you, you get really amped up and you worry about how they texted
you or not and you know, you're just like in this complete spin and you don't know why
and you're so frustrated and you think, what's wrong with me?
And then we look at it and we say, oh, you've got, you know, this is what happened with
your mom and your dad and this is your attachment style and this is what your fears are.
And I've understand it from the psychological lens.
(10:09):
That's great, but what a lot of people experience, they go to years of therapy and their body,
their visceral response when someone does not text them or they do not feel loved it, they
feel that person pulling away is so strong that they can't outthink it.
So that's where we have to drop into the body and do the energy work to integrate it because
I've got to heal the nervous system and the body.
The most powerful book on trauma, which I'd already kind of learned that didn't have
(10:31):
words for early in life was the, it's called the body keeps the score and it's Dr.
Russell Vanderkohl, he's like the number one person in the world on trauma and he really
talked about that the mind can process the trauma, but if you don't heal the body at some
level, it will repeat because it gets encoded in our nervous system and our safety system.
So me being in it, like if I have a lot of trauma, particularly in women, it can show up as
(10:54):
perfectionism, imposter syndrome, anxious attachment style, control, you know, all these
things that like we just think are like normal or part of being a normal, and they are,
but they can also have roots in that healing, that trauma.
So I really work to help someone understand it psychologically, but drop it physically
into the body.
So energy psychology actually allows us to get into that state.
(11:17):
So we think about it.
It's like let's just use the hypothetical because most people have dated like your, or your
relationship and someone really triggers you, we get that trigger in the body.
And then we use acupressure points, chakra clearing, like lots of different energy things
to start grounding that mental work into the body so that when that happens, when you get
that trigger, well, we all have that visceral feeling of like when we're triggered or we're
(11:39):
upset, that starts to calm down.
And maybe what used to spin you out for three weeks now it spins you out for three days
and then you get down three hours.
So that's really how it works in a very like practical, hopefully I answered your question.
Yeah, I appreciate the specifics, like, you know, also how you get there, but then also
either the acupuncture or another one, do you use like somatic movements in any of your
(12:05):
practice?
And can you let our listeners know a little bit about what that's like if you do use that
type of practice?
Yeah, so I love somatic healing, which is really like just using the body.
So soma means the body.
Batic, the Batic yoga, wisdom has a lot about the soma about if that's what yoga does
is helps move at the body.
So yeah, we use the same acupuncture, like basically it's acupuncture.
(12:29):
So we're tapping on the body.
We use the chakras, but it's really like this ability to give yourself the exposure to
the negative thing and then unwind your nervous system from the reaction.
So it's like think of it as like mild exposure therapy.
It'd be like if someone is afraid of spiders and then I have them, you know, looking at
a spider while doing this tapping.
(12:51):
So that way their nervous system starts to realize like, oh, the spiders over there, I'm still
safe.
And so with energy psychology, particularly, it's actually approved by the American Psychological
Association.
It helps us heal trauma, beliefs.
And there's another aspect of it's really powerful, which is a lot of times we have objections
to healing.
(13:11):
And we don't, we're not aware of that because we're there subconscious drivers.
Meaning we're not like it's like think of the iceberg.
What we're aware of is the top of it that's above the water.
And then we have this huge iceberg under the water, which is what we call our subconscious
mind.
But that runs about, most people say about 90% of our behavior is driven from what's underneath
the water that that lower part of the iceberg.
(13:32):
So the work that I'm doing is getting into the body to get into reprogramming what's underneath.
Like as simple as weight loss, a lot of us don't recognize that there's a part of us that
will want to lose weight and there's a part of us that will not want to lose weight.
And particularly with women who've had trauma, sometimes weight equals safety.
Like I'm not attractive to the opposite sex or to whomever may have abused me, I'm safe.
(13:56):
And so I actually have to heal those subconscious drivers as well.
Or maybe you had a critical mother who always said negative things about your body.
And there's a little girl inside the body who wants to be accepted for not being thin.
And so we have to work with her to help her get on board with dropping the weight.
Because it's like it's called the justice objection.
(14:17):
Like my mom didn't love me when I wasn't super skinny.
I was just working with a client with this week.
And so I'm going to gain weight and hopefully she'll, if I can get her to accept me in this
form that I know I'm really loved.
And a lot of people don't know that that's actually like a deeper need that's not being met.
We're so complicated.
We're so complex.
We're so complex.
(14:37):
Yeah, I know it's hard to put all in these words, but I really look under.
I'd kind of joke with my clients.
I'm highly intuitive.
I can read patterns very quickly.
I've been doing this.
I've been studying people for like I said 26 years.
I use something called surrogate muscle testing.
So I'm not going to even ask you to know it.
I'm going to go through tons of questions and I'm going to muscle test and I'm going to
(15:00):
see, okay, this is subconsciously true for you.
Now we know we need to clear this out because it's a roadblock in the way of you are healing.
So when you say muscle test, are you asking them where certain triggers show up for
them?
Or like what does a muscle test mean?
So muscle tests, if you were in person, I could actually show you it would be really cool.
But like I can have you hold out your arm and if you're lying and I press on your arm,
(15:23):
it'll be weak.
If it's true, it will be strong.
And I use two fingers and I've done this with very, very large muscular men and it's
very funny.
They cannot hold their arm up if they're lying.
I used to do it with my friends' kids.
Like they said, they didn't hit their sister.
I'd be like, put up your arm and then I can all go, no.
So the body is energy is energetically strong.
(15:45):
We can do it with supplements, we can do it with subconscious beliefs, we can do it with
all kinds of things.
Like the arm will be very strong because like it says just two fingers.
If it's not true, it can be a little, it's a little bouncy.
And so I do that because I've been doing this online for gosh since like 2018.
So I do that for the client.
I asked permission to test their energy and then I start doing the energy work with them.
(16:06):
So it's just, it's a much faster way because I can't see everyone in person unless
they're obviously in here in LA.
And I've had like massive results with that because people love to say like my most common
feedback from energy psychology and there's people around the world who do it of course
is it's like years of therapy in one session because we move, it's like we're not just getting
(16:27):
into your head, we're getting into your nervous system, your soma, your body, your reaction,
your reactionary space.
Well, I really like how you've broken down even things that seem, I don't know, surface
level, you have a goal, like let's say it's weight loss and really what's underneath that
frame of where you want your mindset to be.
(16:49):
There's so many layers of programming underneath why you want that goal or what's subconsciously
holding you back from that goal.
So I just, I really love how you've unpacked that. It's, it's so resonant to so many elements
of life.
So very, very cool.
I kind of want to go into the flip side of maybe like up an area of growth that people
(17:13):
are looking to understand their patterns better and ask you a little bit about the guide
that you've authored around seven steps to manifesting abundance.
Would you mind walking us through some of those core principles and kind of what made you
bring that to life?
Oh gosh, yeah.
So I have the seven steps to abundance and then I also have like the confidence code so
(17:36):
they're kind of blocks to confidence, like the psychological blocks.
And for the abundance, it was really because I grew up in lack and not enough.
And I really think our society is programmed in this fear of there's not enough money,
there's not enough resources, there's not enough to go around.
I'm not enough.
Like it's so like Brunei Brown's work talks a lot about this within vulnerability as well.
(18:00):
And I'd read, I mean, I read like hundreds of manifesting and money mindset books.
So I kind of, and it took that much to like really reprogram myself because even when I was
like 31 years old, making six figures, I still felt like I never had enough and I would
subconsciously find ways to get rid of my money.
I would give it to people, I would spend it, I would manifest random bills because I
(18:22):
actually didn't feel my nervous system, my body did not feel comfortable having money.
And so a lot of women particularly don't recognize that we are new to having money.
In the United States, a woman could not have her own bank account without a male co-signer
until the 1970s.
That means that my mom, because I was born in 78, could not have her own bank account up until
(18:47):
I was like right, like right before I was born.
So women have only really had the opportunity to have an in credit cards in the United States
and in London, because I looked this up in the UK till the 80s.
We couldn't have our own money.
So it's really helping women like reprogram at a deep level and men have stuff around my
to course.
(19:09):
But I just see this like longer term, almost traumatic, I guess generational trauma that's
been passed down to us.
Like it used to be a thing in the UK as the good grandmother would give you enough money
to escape your husband if he was abusive.
(19:30):
And you were supposed to hide the money.
I can't remember what was called, but they give you this little stipend of like you hide
this honey and if he's really, really bad and you need to get away, you take this and you
run.
And so to think about like that, the mindset that like even our mothers didn't maybe have
their own money or they're like, I remember my grandmother would make a little bit of money
from baking and making cakes and stuff and then she'd have to give it to my grandfather
(19:54):
because he was the one who handled all the money.
And then when he passed, everybody had to help her pay the bills because she didn't even
know how.
Like I'm one generation removed from that.
So I really broke down like the best tips and tools to help someone start reprogramming
and re relating to money because we have a relationship to money.
And what's fascinating, I've also found psychologically is whatever our attachment
(20:15):
style is whether it's avoidant, anxious, secure, etc. that also gets attached to money.
So some people avoid it, some people feel anxious around it, some people will be secure with
it, but we all have money stuff.
One of my mentors actually said that she felt that people had more issues with money than
actually have sex.
So yeah.
I think it doesn't talk back.
No, we just reject all of our stuff onto it.
(20:37):
So yeah, it's kind of an ebook.
It's like 30 pages long.
So I wish I could give some really big tools, but I'll give three tips that will help your
listener to just like start unpacking their money stuff.
First and foremost, right down on the top of the paper, just say, money is an answer that
is many times as you can.
Let the good, bad, the ugly just do a brain dump and you'll start to see like what, like
(21:01):
it'll say like money is power, money is good, money is evil.
You know, we'll start to see like what, what do we really think when it comes to money?
And then another exercise I would have clients do is what were the things that always said
to you about money growing up?
And that will tell you a lot about how your belief systems were created.
Like money doesn't grow in trees.
What do you think I made of money?
We can't afford that.
(21:21):
We don't have that kind of money.
If all you're just because your friends have it, doesn't mean you can have it.
So we, so those core things that our parents say that are really just trying to like manage
us and tell us what they can and kind of forward start to come into our belief system.
Because you know, we have to remember that like as children, someone tells us that the
Santa Claus is real and the big fat guy's going to come down my chimney and give me
(21:43):
stuff and I'm like, yes, right?
And so we forget that we get a lot of these messages at that time and they get like planted
seeds in the garden of our belief system.
And so we have to go and improve.
And then the last one I like to do is write down like, how do I spend, how do I save and
how do I earn money and get really honest with myself?
(22:04):
Like, am I good at saving?
How do I feel about myself with saving?
Am I stuck in this like never and I never save enough or I don't save it all?
How do I earn money?
Do I feel comfortable asking for money?
Do I not want to charge for my services?
Why not ask for a raise or am I very good in that place?
Because I find that we all have to learn how to reprogram ourselves in each of those earning,
(22:25):
spending and saving.
But take one at a time and choose one area of your life that you want to improve.
And like if you're very uncomfortable spending money, I always make my clients spend a little
bit.
Like, nope, every week you have to go spend something on yourself.
You've got $30,000 in the bank.
You're scrolling away tens and tens of money and you won't spend a dime.
Like, go put a look, you know, we're going to spend $25 on something small this week that
(22:47):
you want.
You're going to go have a different meal or you're going to do something to like start releasing.
And then it's the opposite.
If you can't save, you have $0 in the saving.
Like, okay, every week you've got to put $20 away.
You can't touch it because it's like we're reprogramming ourselves through a new action.
Hopefully that answers your question.
That's perfect.
Yeah, thank you.
I don't want to just single you out as a money coach.
(23:13):
I mean, you do a lot of heavy lifting for women like things like divorce and breakups and
personal loss.
Like, you do a lot of heavy lifting with individuals.
Yes, a lot of trauma work.
It is, it can be heavy, but I think because I've walked through so much on my own, I really
have so much love and compassion for it.
And I never have any like, “pitty," or, you know, because it's like, "I know. It's like,
(23:36):
wow, this is the thing that, you know, it can break you down or it can break you open."
And I think that's why because I work with women who've gone through breakups and divorce
and like, I really want them to be empowered.
And that's a big part of leaving a relationship like even for myself, leaving my, you know, having
that dual income, sharing expenses and all that kind of stuff.
Like, when I left my marriage, my expenses doubled overnight.
(23:59):
So all the things that I learned myself, you know, within myself, like I had to put into practice
very quickly and rebuild a life for myself 100% on my own.
And that's a big fear for all of us, you know, money is survival.
And it's an important thing.
And I think a lot of us feel bad for wanting it, bad for needing it, bad for not having it.
(24:20):
You know, there's so much, so much shame around it that I just want women particularly to
feel really empowered, confident in themselves, confident, like, get relationships
that they want and not have to choose based on finances.
Like, I really feel like if you, as a woman, have your sovereign financial ability, you're
(24:40):
never going to be in a job of place or relationship that you don't want to be because you have children.
Well said.
Well, just building on that and what Christopher highlighted earlier, you know, the heart of
our show, you know, called The Virgin the Beauty and the Bitch.
These words have surface level meanings.
(25:00):
They also sometimes have shackles for women over time.
Sometimes it shackles that they've broken free of.
And we've really come to know these words in totally new ways because of what it means
to different people over the span of their life.
But underneath the three words is a desire to reimagine feminine.
(25:25):
Not for what it was, not for what it is necessarily, but to break it open into what is a new or
unlooked at aspects of it.
So my question to you is, what does feminine mean to you?
And how does that contribute to your work?
(25:45):
Yeah, I love that.
Feminine to me means the power of creation.
Our bodies literally create life.
And in Kabbalah, they talk about this a lot.
Like men are manifestors, but they need the feminine because we're the cop.
We hold it.
Like they can, they can, you know, they have their own form of creation, but women really
(26:06):
make it happen.
And so, even when it comes back to money with like the feminine, the world bank likes to
give microloans to women because they create jobs.
They take care of children, men typically in like their old countries will gamble it away.
And again, I'm not, I love men.
I'm not bashing on men at all ever.
(26:29):
I have a brother and you know, like all kinds of lovely men in my life.
My ex husband even were so good friends, you know, so I have, I've been very blessed with
some, some wonderful men in my life for sure.
But I definitely see like women have the power of creation within us and we're so much
more capable than I think we've known for so long.
(26:50):
And I think we're starting to see that.
And I even quote the Dalai Lama is saying that the Western woman will be the one that saves
the world.
And it's just, we bring balance to a world that's been so imbalanced for so long.
And so that's what I'm excited to see more women going to university than ever before.
And us rising, and I think that's changing what it means to be a man.
(27:13):
But I don't think it needs, I don't think men need to be less masculine.
I'm not a big fan of all this stuff around men not being masculine.
I love that masculinity.
I love the man who opens the door for you and takes, you know, and, and like, shivylry
and all that stuff, I do not want it to die.
I just feel like in order for women to rise, I think some people are thinking that men
(27:33):
have to step down and I don't think so.
I think it's asking men to show up more, with a more emotional availability and women
to show up with more power and balance.
Accepting their own power.
Yeah, exactly.
Men are good with their power.
They're not great with their vulnerability.
And women are kind of the opposite.
They can be great with their vulnerability, but they're not really great with their power.
(27:54):
And even Harvard did a long-term studies on this about how we are relationally.
A man typically doesn't want to get married until he feels like all of his ducks are in
a row and financially he's able to provide and protect him that way.
But women won't put any energy into that.
They'll want a relationship.
They'll want to get married right away, like even if they're working as a checkout girl and
(28:15):
have no financial ability, they don't even know how to balance, you know, like open a
checkbook.
Not that we need checkbooks anymore, but it's just kind of a funny saying.
So I kind of, I hope to see us balance that more.
That men start to see that they can really be in their divine masculine, this positive
masculine that holds and protects and provides, but a great partner in his life will lift
(28:38):
up his success and they can build that together and that women can see that when they have
their financial literacy and they feel confident, even if they don't have a lot of money, if
they understand money, they have a good relationship with money.
You know, they're not feeling like they're walking into just a relationship to save them
because unfortunately a lot of people get taught that a man is a financial plan.
And men are conditioned to believe that that's what their purpose is.
(29:04):
Yeah, and what a limiting purpose to have.
Like, I don't want any man that I'm with to feel like I'm with him because I need him
to take care of me.
You know, like that wouldn't, like I want to be taking care of in certain ways, but I
really believe in like this, like positive, we each contribute in our own ways and it
(29:24):
can be whatever we want it to be.
It doesn't have to be defined by traditional roles or responsibilities.
Well, this is very encouraging.
Considering we're just talking about your mother and the beliefs and traditions she grew
up with on how she, you know, how she lived her life and one generation apart you, you're
(29:48):
completely different from her and her beliefs and the things that she felt were critical
to her survival.
You were completely different.
That's just one generation apart.
Yeah, I think about that a lot.
Like my dad came from Mexico.
He was one of 11 children.
Group like was born on a dirt floor, you know, like a house was a dirt floor, like really,
(30:11):
really pot like deep poverty, right?
And he came to the US and joined the military and got a citizenship and all that kind of
stuff.
So one generation away, like I've completely changed that and then my mom struggled with
addiction.
She didn't come from much.
And so men were a big way in which she survived.
She had multiple husbands for, so we're five because there's one before I was born.
(30:32):
But like, so she had, you know, men were kind of her plan.
So yeah, and I saw my grandma be kind of, you know, in a relationship too where she didn't
have a lot of financial sovereignty.
So I just made, like I said, a lot of radical decisions of how do I take care of my
self in a positive way and show up and at least have that financial literacy.
And, you know, obviously I was in a marriage for a long time.
(30:54):
I built a lot of financial stability within that as well.
But even when I left, it was like, okay, I've got, I can do this on my own too.
I have that confidence.
I love that.
As a role model is something for other women to aim at and aim for.
I think that's miraculous.
So I want to definitely acknowledge that as something that is inspiring for others.
(31:24):
Yeah.
Well, thank you.
And I really feel like, even if, you know, like I work with women who want to be stay at home
moms too.
And so we talk about how do they do that?
How do they work with, you know, like I have a client who wants to, she has a big marketing
job, but she wants to stay home with her kids for the next two years.
So we're talking about like her husband can do that financially.
How do we put money aside for her and how does, you know, how does she feel secure in doing
(31:46):
that so that she can take that time for her children?
Because that's also a beautiful investment.
But she's doing it with a lot of like consciousness, which is like, is beautiful.
How do we connect people with you?
Oh, well, my website is easiest.
It's torrejane.com.
So T-O-R-I-J-E-N-A-E.com and then torre.jane on Instagram.
(32:08):
I love questions, you know, lots of, got some freebies that I can send as well.
Well, thank you so much for your time today.
It has truly been a joy to talk with you and just learn who you are and what you're doing
at your personal story and how you broke free of those shackles and you're really living
what you practice.
(32:29):
It's, it's just beautiful to see.
Well, thank you so much, Heather.
I appreciate you guys having me on.
And you have been listening too.
And the Virgin Beauty and the Bitch.
Find us, like us, share us.
And if you really love your friends, invite them in.
To become a partner in the VBB community, we invite you to find us at virginbeautybitch.com.
(32:57):
Like us on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.
And share us with people who are defiantly different.
Like you.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
(upbeat music)
inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique
(00:10):
life experiences without fear of being defiantly different.
Your hosts, Christopher and Heather, let's talk, shall we?
Pinch yourself if this sounds familiar.
You are very good at what you do for a living, but somehow you still feel unfulfilled
or maybe you're making very good money, but feel disappointed that you're not making
(00:36):
a difference.
If any of these hit home, you will want to meet our guest, transformational psychology
coach, confidence and relationship mentor, and creator of the Reclamation Method, Tori
Jenae.
Welcome Tori to Virgin Beauty Bitch.
Oh, thank you so much.
So honored to be here.
We are honored ourselves to have you.
(00:57):
Thank you for doing this.
Now, Tori, if someone had told you this, that one day you will be heading your own transformational
group coaching program.
It's going to be built around your own traumatic life experiences, and you're going to be doing
all this while living in Beverly Hills, California.
You might have said what?
(01:17):
I would have said
there is no way that that is possible for someone from where I came from.
I'm definitely a self-made woman, and I grew up in a lot of struggle, both my parents struggled
with addiction, and obviously, we struggled financially at times really badly.
So I had to make some radically different choices in life and put myself to university.
(01:41):
I left home at 17.
I helped take care of my little brother.
Like, there's so many things that made me who I am and made me walk through that fire
of transformation.
And then over the last 26 years, I've just picked up as many tools as I can not only to heal
myself, but to help other women and some men I work with as well.
It's a really heal and transform and turn our deepest pain into our purpose and our
(02:05):
wounds and to our wisdom.
And just, I really believe that no matter where you come from, no matter what's happened to
you, you can make a different choice.
So going back to the start of this, you once had the typical 9 to 5 job.
I sure did.
You were doing well.
You were a success.
(02:26):
So what made you jump off that cliff?
Yeah, that's such a good question.
So out of university, I did want to become a therapist, but in the United States, we have
to do a lot of training.
So it's six years of university plus 3,000 hours of training that's very low paid.
And because of where I came from and I just didn't have that opportunity to do that early
(02:49):
on.
So when I came out of university, I was like, okay, I need to get a job.
What can I do that's related to psychology?
So I went into human resources and I was very good at it.
By the time I was 30, I was an HR manager for a 7,000 person company.
I had tons of direct reports.
I was, you know, the quote unquote success.
I literally had the house, the husband, the car, the job, all of it.
(03:09):
And I was miserable.
And I did not understand what was happening.
And that was really kind of part of my spiritual awakening of recognizing like, wow, not living
my purpose.
Even though I've checked all the boxes I'm supposed to check as a woman, this is not making me
happy.
It's not fulfilling me.
And I think we're all a little bit different than what our soul came here to experience
(03:29):
and fulfill.
But for me, like that purpose was so deep and so necessary.
And my sister had addiction issues as well.
And so she suddenly overdosed and she passed away.
And that was actually one of the catalysts that, like, my sister didn't even make it till
the age of 40.
And so that really woke me up because I was terrified to leave that six figure job.
(03:50):
All, you know, the golden handcuffs as we say here in the US.
And I was so scared to make it.
But when she left this planet, I was like, life is short.
I cannot waste any more time.
And that's when I took the leap and I left.
And I remember, like, literally praying, like saying, I promise God, like, I will leave this
job.
And I'm not really like super religious, but I'm spiritual.
(04:10):
But I remember telling the universe, like, I hear you, I get the message, and know I'm
not happy.
And that sent me on, like, I was kind of on a path of finding more meaning and purpose.
But that, my sister passing was really the big catalyst.
I think, I mean, it sounds really reminiscent from what I've read about your story.
(04:32):
And first of all, just really, really sorry to hear about your sister.
That thing sounds incredibly challenging.
And really what you've done with it to help others is remarkable.
And would you mind sharing with our listeners how that moment and that choice that you decided
to make led you to combine Western psychology and Eastern wisdom into your practice?
(04:58):
Oh my God, that's such a good question.
So, I moved to Japan when I was about 19, and I studied Buddhism.
So that really made a lot of sense to me.
But then I was also at university going studying Western psychology.
And what I found through my own journey was having a lot of trauma myself.
And you know, that's the tip of the iceberg of my story the last 11 years of how much loss
(05:18):
I experienced.
But I really found that in order to heal, we have to heal the mind and the body.
And so that required me doing, like I started doing yoga when I was about 21.
I learned all these psychological theories.
I learned Buddhism.
How do I change my mindset?
Because psychology will tell you really what's going on with you, give yourself awareness.
(05:38):
How do I understand myself what's happened to me my past?
But it doesn't really tell you how you're supposed to think.
How are we, like, what is a new framework if we're not in victim mindset?
How are we in an empowered mindset?
How do we really let go?
How do we stop caring about what people think of us?
You know, these are all like life's bigger questions.
And so I found that like as I went along my path, I was equally studying.
(05:59):
Both Eastern philosophy and Western psychology.
And then I found like, they really need each other because they're two halves of a whole.
I can do the healing with the psychology and the understanding and the depth work.
But I need that connection to myself to truth and a new framework for how to think.
How do, like I said, like, who am I really?
(06:21):
What do I really think?
What are my old patterns, programs, processes?
And how do I step into authenticity and releasing all the things that don't work for me?
And that's where I really found Eastern wisdom, spirituality, yoga, I've studied Kabbalah.
Like, I've been down every road because I wanted to find the deepest answers.
(06:42):
And I wanted to be able to work with people from every walk of the world.
Like I've clients, LA, New York, London, and Dubai.
So I've got people who are Christian, Muslim, like you name it.
Like we really connect them into like the core of who they are and stripping away.
All of that stuff to allow the really the soul to speak, the mind, the heal and the body
(07:04):
to release it all and integrate it.
Because our goal was really to bring heaven to our, like our own version of heaven to our.
That's fascinating.
Heather and I, I mean, the show is built on some premises of feminine masculine, yin yang.
And throughout the planet, we seem to want to separate these things.
(07:27):
And you find it just in your own practice.
There are two different energies that you had to bring together yourself.
Like they didn't teach you both of these things together.
No, they're always separate.
What is up with that?
Why do we do that?
I think the mind loves to have things in clean boxes.
Like we're very uncomfortable as humans with the unknown, with the gray, with, and we really
(07:51):
want to keep things clean and separate.
You know, it's like we want to know like, okay, this is Western psychology and this is science
and this is spirituality.
And I really think they're all the same thing.
You know, we're all drops from the same ocean.
We're all connected in some way.
And the masculine, the feminine exist in all of us.
And I get really discouraged sometimes when people talk about like I can only be one
(08:13):
or the other.
Like masculine is the action, the doing, the leading, the giving.
Women can do that too.
It doesn't matter your physical body.
And feminine is receiving its creation, its intuition.
And you know, we all need those energies at different times in our lives.
And yes, we can lead with one energy or the other.
But without that integration of all the parts of ourselves, our masculine and our feminine,
(08:38):
we, you know, I can sit here and completely sit in my feminine and get all these great
intuitive ideas.
But if I don't have some of that masculine energy to take the action on those ideas, I'm
not going to change the world with what came into me, what was given to me.
I think even in, you know, how you've framed your practice with it being, you know, some
(08:59):
of our listeners may be unfamiliar with energy psychology, which I think really is that pairing
of what you've just discussed there.
Can you kind of unpack a little bit more about what that entails, you know, given what you
had said around, you know, the Western kind of being understanding your patterns, understanding
your traumas and your background, and then the Eastern wisdom being, you know, setting
(09:23):
a new framework.
Can you kind of walk them through a little bit about what that is with working with you?
Yeah, so I'll try to make it like super real life, so it's so easy to understand.
So ultimately, like our psychology is all of our past, our programs, our childhood, that
kind of stuff.
Look at that through psychological lens so that you really understand yourself, if you're
struggling in a relationship, let's say, well, maybe you have an anxious attachment style.
(09:48):
So dating someone like you, you get really amped up and you worry about how they texted
you or not and you know, you're just like in this complete spin and you don't know why
and you're so frustrated and you think, what's wrong with me?
And then we look at it and we say, oh, you've got, you know, this is what happened with
your mom and your dad and this is your attachment style and this is what your fears are.
And I've understand it from the psychological lens.
(10:09):
That's great, but what a lot of people experience, they go to years of therapy and their body,
their visceral response when someone does not text them or they do not feel loved it, they
feel that person pulling away is so strong that they can't outthink it.
So that's where we have to drop into the body and do the energy work to integrate it because
I've got to heal the nervous system and the body.
The most powerful book on trauma, which I'd already kind of learned that didn't have
(10:31):
words for early in life was the, it's called the body keeps the score and it's Dr.
Russell Vanderkohl, he's like the number one person in the world on trauma and he really
talked about that the mind can process the trauma, but if you don't heal the body at some
level, it will repeat because it gets encoded in our nervous system and our safety system.
So me being in it, like if I have a lot of trauma, particularly in women, it can show up as
(10:54):
perfectionism, imposter syndrome, anxious attachment style, control, you know, all these
things that like we just think are like normal or part of being a normal, and they are,
but they can also have roots in that healing, that trauma.
So I really work to help someone understand it psychologically, but drop it physically
into the body.
So energy psychology actually allows us to get into that state.
(11:17):
So we think about it.
It's like let's just use the hypothetical because most people have dated like your, or your
relationship and someone really triggers you, we get that trigger in the body.
And then we use acupressure points, chakra clearing, like lots of different energy things
to start grounding that mental work into the body so that when that happens, when you get
that trigger, well, we all have that visceral feeling of like when we're triggered or we're
(11:39):
upset, that starts to calm down.
And maybe what used to spin you out for three weeks now it spins you out for three days
and then you get down three hours.
So that's really how it works in a very like practical, hopefully I answered your question.
Yeah, I appreciate the specifics, like, you know, also how you get there, but then also
either the acupuncture or another one, do you use like somatic movements in any of your
(12:05):
practice?
And can you let our listeners know a little bit about what that's like if you do use that
type of practice?
Yeah, so I love somatic healing, which is really like just using the body.
So soma means the body.
Batic, the Batic yoga, wisdom has a lot about the soma about if that's what yoga does
is helps move at the body.
So yeah, we use the same acupuncture, like basically it's acupuncture.
(12:29):
So we're tapping on the body.
We use the chakras, but it's really like this ability to give yourself the exposure to
the negative thing and then unwind your nervous system from the reaction.
So it's like think of it as like mild exposure therapy.
It'd be like if someone is afraid of spiders and then I have them, you know, looking at
a spider while doing this tapping.
(12:51):
So that way their nervous system starts to realize like, oh, the spiders over there, I'm still
safe.
And so with energy psychology, particularly, it's actually approved by the American Psychological
Association.
It helps us heal trauma, beliefs.
And there's another aspect of it's really powerful, which is a lot of times we have objections
to healing.
(13:11):
And we don't, we're not aware of that because we're there subconscious drivers.
Meaning we're not like it's like think of the iceberg.
What we're aware of is the top of it that's above the water.
And then we have this huge iceberg under the water, which is what we call our subconscious
mind.
But that runs about, most people say about 90% of our behavior is driven from what's underneath
the water that that lower part of the iceberg.
(13:32):
So the work that I'm doing is getting into the body to get into reprogramming what's underneath.
Like as simple as weight loss, a lot of us don't recognize that there's a part of us that
will want to lose weight and there's a part of us that will not want to lose weight.
And particularly with women who've had trauma, sometimes weight equals safety.
Like I'm not attractive to the opposite sex or to whomever may have abused me, I'm safe.
(13:56):
And so I actually have to heal those subconscious drivers as well.
Or maybe you had a critical mother who always said negative things about your body.
And there's a little girl inside the body who wants to be accepted for not being thin.
And so we have to work with her to help her get on board with dropping the weight.
Because it's like it's called the justice objection.
(14:17):
Like my mom didn't love me when I wasn't super skinny.
I was just working with a client with this week.
And so I'm going to gain weight and hopefully she'll, if I can get her to accept me in this
form that I know I'm really loved.
And a lot of people don't know that that's actually like a deeper need that's not being met.
We're so complicated.
We're so complex.
We're so complex.
(14:37):
Yeah, I know it's hard to put all in these words, but I really look under.
I'd kind of joke with my clients.
I'm highly intuitive.
I can read patterns very quickly.
I've been doing this.
I've been studying people for like I said 26 years.
I use something called surrogate muscle testing.
So I'm not going to even ask you to know it.
I'm going to go through tons of questions and I'm going to muscle test and I'm going to
(15:00):
see, okay, this is subconsciously true for you.
Now we know we need to clear this out because it's a roadblock in the way of you are healing.
So when you say muscle test, are you asking them where certain triggers show up for
them?
Or like what does a muscle test mean?
So muscle tests, if you were in person, I could actually show you it would be really cool.
But like I can have you hold out your arm and if you're lying and I press on your arm,
(15:23):
it'll be weak.
If it's true, it will be strong.
And I use two fingers and I've done this with very, very large muscular men and it's
very funny.
They cannot hold their arm up if they're lying.
I used to do it with my friends' kids.
Like they said, they didn't hit their sister.
I'd be like, put up your arm and then I can all go, no.
So the body is energy is energetically strong.
(15:45):
We can do it with supplements, we can do it with subconscious beliefs, we can do it with
all kinds of things.
Like the arm will be very strong because like it says just two fingers.
If it's not true, it can be a little, it's a little bouncy.
And so I do that because I've been doing this online for gosh since like 2018.
So I do that for the client.
I asked permission to test their energy and then I start doing the energy work with them.
(16:06):
So it's just, it's a much faster way because I can't see everyone in person unless
they're obviously in here in LA.
And I've had like massive results with that because people love to say like my most common
feedback from energy psychology and there's people around the world who do it of course
is it's like years of therapy in one session because we move, it's like we're not just getting
(16:27):
into your head, we're getting into your nervous system, your soma, your body, your reaction,
your reactionary space.
Well, I really like how you've broken down even things that seem, I don't know, surface
level, you have a goal, like let's say it's weight loss and really what's underneath that
frame of where you want your mindset to be.
(16:49):
There's so many layers of programming underneath why you want that goal or what's subconsciously
holding you back from that goal.
So I just, I really love how you've unpacked that. It's, it's so resonant to so many elements
of life.
So very, very cool.
I kind of want to go into the flip side of maybe like up an area of growth that people
(17:13):
are looking to understand their patterns better and ask you a little bit about the guide
that you've authored around seven steps to manifesting abundance.
Would you mind walking us through some of those core principles and kind of what made you
bring that to life?
Oh gosh, yeah.
So I have the seven steps to abundance and then I also have like the confidence code so
(17:36):
they're kind of blocks to confidence, like the psychological blocks.
And for the abundance, it was really because I grew up in lack and not enough.
And I really think our society is programmed in this fear of there's not enough money,
there's not enough resources, there's not enough to go around.
I'm not enough.
Like it's so like Brunei Brown's work talks a lot about this within vulnerability as well.
(18:00):
And I'd read, I mean, I read like hundreds of manifesting and money mindset books.
So I kind of, and it took that much to like really reprogram myself because even when I was
like 31 years old, making six figures, I still felt like I never had enough and I would
subconsciously find ways to get rid of my money.
I would give it to people, I would spend it, I would manifest random bills because I
(18:22):
actually didn't feel my nervous system, my body did not feel comfortable having money.
And so a lot of women particularly don't recognize that we are new to having money.
In the United States, a woman could not have her own bank account without a male co-signer
until the 1970s.
That means that my mom, because I was born in 78, could not have her own bank account up until
(18:47):
I was like right, like right before I was born.
So women have only really had the opportunity to have an in credit cards in the United States
and in London, because I looked this up in the UK till the 80s.
We couldn't have our own money.
So it's really helping women like reprogram at a deep level and men have stuff around my
to course.
(19:09):
But I just see this like longer term, almost traumatic, I guess generational trauma that's
been passed down to us.
Like it used to be a thing in the UK as the good grandmother would give you enough money
to escape your husband if he was abusive.
(19:30):
And you were supposed to hide the money.
I can't remember what was called, but they give you this little stipend of like you hide
this honey and if he's really, really bad and you need to get away, you take this and you
run.
And so to think about like that, the mindset that like even our mothers didn't maybe have
their own money or they're like, I remember my grandmother would make a little bit of money
from baking and making cakes and stuff and then she'd have to give it to my grandfather
(19:54):
because he was the one who handled all the money.
And then when he passed, everybody had to help her pay the bills because she didn't even
know how.
Like I'm one generation removed from that.
So I really broke down like the best tips and tools to help someone start reprogramming
and re relating to money because we have a relationship to money.
And what's fascinating, I've also found psychologically is whatever our attachment
(20:15):
style is whether it's avoidant, anxious, secure, etc. that also gets attached to money.
So some people avoid it, some people feel anxious around it, some people will be secure with
it, but we all have money stuff.
One of my mentors actually said that she felt that people had more issues with money than
actually have sex.
So yeah.
I think it doesn't talk back.
No, we just reject all of our stuff onto it.
(20:37):
So yeah, it's kind of an ebook.
It's like 30 pages long.
So I wish I could give some really big tools, but I'll give three tips that will help your
listener to just like start unpacking their money stuff.
First and foremost, right down on the top of the paper, just say, money is an answer that
is many times as you can.
Let the good, bad, the ugly just do a brain dump and you'll start to see like what, like
(21:01):
it'll say like money is power, money is good, money is evil.
You know, we'll start to see like what, what do we really think when it comes to money?
And then another exercise I would have clients do is what were the things that always said
to you about money growing up?
And that will tell you a lot about how your belief systems were created.
Like money doesn't grow in trees.
What do you think I made of money?
We can't afford that.
(21:21):
We don't have that kind of money.
If all you're just because your friends have it, doesn't mean you can have it.
So we, so those core things that our parents say that are really just trying to like manage
us and tell us what they can and kind of forward start to come into our belief system.
Because you know, we have to remember that like as children, someone tells us that the
Santa Claus is real and the big fat guy's going to come down my chimney and give me
(21:43):
stuff and I'm like, yes, right?
And so we forget that we get a lot of these messages at that time and they get like planted
seeds in the garden of our belief system.
And so we have to go and improve.
And then the last one I like to do is write down like, how do I spend, how do I save and
how do I earn money and get really honest with myself?
(22:04):
Like, am I good at saving?
How do I feel about myself with saving?
Am I stuck in this like never and I never save enough or I don't save it all?
How do I earn money?
Do I feel comfortable asking for money?
Do I not want to charge for my services?
Why not ask for a raise or am I very good in that place?
Because I find that we all have to learn how to reprogram ourselves in each of those earning,
(22:25):
spending and saving.
But take one at a time and choose one area of your life that you want to improve.
And like if you're very uncomfortable spending money, I always make my clients spend a little
bit.
Like, nope, every week you have to go spend something on yourself.
You've got $30,000 in the bank.
You're scrolling away tens and tens of money and you won't spend a dime.
Like, go put a look, you know, we're going to spend $25 on something small this week that
(22:47):
you want.
You're going to go have a different meal or you're going to do something to like start releasing.
And then it's the opposite.
If you can't save, you have $0 in the saving.
Like, okay, every week you've got to put $20 away.
You can't touch it because it's like we're reprogramming ourselves through a new action.
Hopefully that answers your question.
That's perfect.
Yeah, thank you.
I don't want to just single you out as a money coach.
(23:13):
I mean, you do a lot of heavy lifting for women like things like divorce and breakups and
personal loss.
Like, you do a lot of heavy lifting with individuals.
Yes, a lot of trauma work.
It is, it can be heavy, but I think because I've walked through so much on my own, I really
have so much love and compassion for it.
And I never have any like, “pitty," or, you know, because it's like, "I know. It's like,
(23:36):
wow, this is the thing that, you know, it can break you down or it can break you open."
And I think that's why because I work with women who've gone through breakups and divorce
and like, I really want them to be empowered.
And that's a big part of leaving a relationship like even for myself, leaving my, you know, having
that dual income, sharing expenses and all that kind of stuff.
Like, when I left my marriage, my expenses doubled overnight.
(23:59):
So all the things that I learned myself, you know, within myself, like I had to put into practice
very quickly and rebuild a life for myself 100% on my own.
And that's a big fear for all of us, you know, money is survival.
And it's an important thing.
And I think a lot of us feel bad for wanting it, bad for needing it, bad for not having it.
(24:20):
You know, there's so much, so much shame around it that I just want women particularly to
feel really empowered, confident in themselves, confident, like, get relationships
that they want and not have to choose based on finances.
Like, I really feel like if you, as a woman, have your sovereign financial ability, you're
(24:40):
never going to be in a job of place or relationship that you don't want to be because you have children.
Well said.
Well, just building on that and what Christopher highlighted earlier, you know, the heart of
our show, you know, called The Virgin the Beauty and the Bitch.
These words have surface level meanings.
(25:00):
They also sometimes have shackles for women over time.
Sometimes it shackles that they've broken free of.
And we've really come to know these words in totally new ways because of what it means
to different people over the span of their life.
But underneath the three words is a desire to reimagine feminine.
(25:25):
Not for what it was, not for what it is necessarily, but to break it open into what is a new or
unlooked at aspects of it.
So my question to you is, what does feminine mean to you?
And how does that contribute to your work?
(25:45):
Yeah, I love that.
Feminine to me means the power of creation.
Our bodies literally create life.
And in Kabbalah, they talk about this a lot.
Like men are manifestors, but they need the feminine because we're the cop.
We hold it.
Like they can, they can, you know, they have their own form of creation, but women really
(26:06):
make it happen.
And so, even when it comes back to money with like the feminine, the world bank likes to
give microloans to women because they create jobs.
They take care of children, men typically in like their old countries will gamble it away.
And again, I'm not, I love men.
I'm not bashing on men at all ever.
(26:29):
I have a brother and you know, like all kinds of lovely men in my life.
My ex husband even were so good friends, you know, so I have, I've been very blessed with
some, some wonderful men in my life for sure.
But I definitely see like women have the power of creation within us and we're so much
more capable than I think we've known for so long.
(26:50):
And I think we're starting to see that.
And I even quote the Dalai Lama is saying that the Western woman will be the one that saves
the world.
And it's just, we bring balance to a world that's been so imbalanced for so long.
And so that's what I'm excited to see more women going to university than ever before.
And us rising, and I think that's changing what it means to be a man.
(27:13):
But I don't think it needs, I don't think men need to be less masculine.
I'm not a big fan of all this stuff around men not being masculine.
I love that masculinity.
I love the man who opens the door for you and takes, you know, and, and like, shivylry
and all that stuff, I do not want it to die.
I just feel like in order for women to rise, I think some people are thinking that men
(27:33):
have to step down and I don't think so.
I think it's asking men to show up more, with a more emotional availability and women
to show up with more power and balance.
Accepting their own power.
Yeah, exactly.
Men are good with their power.
They're not great with their vulnerability.
And women are kind of the opposite.
They can be great with their vulnerability, but they're not really great with their power.
(27:54):
And even Harvard did a long-term studies on this about how we are relationally.
A man typically doesn't want to get married until he feels like all of his ducks are in
a row and financially he's able to provide and protect him that way.
But women won't put any energy into that.
They'll want a relationship.
They'll want to get married right away, like even if they're working as a checkout girl and
(28:15):
have no financial ability, they don't even know how to balance, you know, like open a
checkbook.
Not that we need checkbooks anymore, but it's just kind of a funny saying.
So I kind of, I hope to see us balance that more.
That men start to see that they can really be in their divine masculine, this positive
masculine that holds and protects and provides, but a great partner in his life will lift
(28:38):
up his success and they can build that together and that women can see that when they have
their financial literacy and they feel confident, even if they don't have a lot of money, if
they understand money, they have a good relationship with money.
You know, they're not feeling like they're walking into just a relationship to save them
because unfortunately a lot of people get taught that a man is a financial plan.
And men are conditioned to believe that that's what their purpose is.
(29:04):
Yeah, and what a limiting purpose to have.
Like, I don't want any man that I'm with to feel like I'm with him because I need him
to take care of me.
You know, like that wouldn't, like I want to be taking care of in certain ways, but I
really believe in like this, like positive, we each contribute in our own ways and it
(29:24):
can be whatever we want it to be.
It doesn't have to be defined by traditional roles or responsibilities.
Well, this is very encouraging.
Considering we're just talking about your mother and the beliefs and traditions she grew
up with on how she, you know, how she lived her life and one generation apart you, you're
(29:48):
completely different from her and her beliefs and the things that she felt were critical
to her survival.
You were completely different.
That's just one generation apart.
Yeah, I think about that a lot.
Like my dad came from Mexico.
He was one of 11 children.
Group like was born on a dirt floor, you know, like a house was a dirt floor, like really,
(30:11):
really pot like deep poverty, right?
And he came to the US and joined the military and got a citizenship and all that kind of
stuff.
So one generation away, like I've completely changed that and then my mom struggled with
addiction.
She didn't come from much.
And so men were a big way in which she survived.
She had multiple husbands for, so we're five because there's one before I was born.
(30:32):
But like, so she had, you know, men were kind of her plan.
So yeah, and I saw my grandma be kind of, you know, in a relationship too where she didn't
have a lot of financial sovereignty.
So I just made, like I said, a lot of radical decisions of how do I take care of my
self in a positive way and show up and at least have that financial literacy.
And, you know, obviously I was in a marriage for a long time.
(30:54):
I built a lot of financial stability within that as well.
But even when I left, it was like, okay, I've got, I can do this on my own too.
I have that confidence.
I love that.
As a role model is something for other women to aim at and aim for.
I think that's miraculous.
So I want to definitely acknowledge that as something that is inspiring for others.
(31:24):
Yeah.
Well, thank you.
And I really feel like, even if, you know, like I work with women who want to be stay at home
moms too.
And so we talk about how do they do that?
How do they work with, you know, like I have a client who wants to, she has a big marketing
job, but she wants to stay home with her kids for the next two years.
So we're talking about like her husband can do that financially.
How do we put money aside for her and how does, you know, how does she feel secure in doing
(31:46):
that so that she can take that time for her children?
Because that's also a beautiful investment.
But she's doing it with a lot of like consciousness, which is like, is beautiful.
How do we connect people with you?
Oh, well, my website is easiest.
It's torrejane.com.
So T-O-R-I-J-E-N-A-E.com and then torre.jane on Instagram.
(32:08):
I love questions, you know, lots of, got some freebies that I can send as well.
Well, thank you so much for your time today.
It has truly been a joy to talk with you and just learn who you are and what you're doing
at your personal story and how you broke free of those shackles and you're really living
what you practice.
(32:29):
It's, it's just beautiful to see.
Well, thank you so much, Heather.
I appreciate you guys having me on.
And you have been listening too.
And the Virgin Beauty and the Bitch.
Find us, like us, share us.
And if you really love your friends, invite them in.
To become a partner in the VBB community, we invite you to find us at virginbeautybitch.com.
(32:57):
Like us on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.
And share us with people who are defiantly different.
Like you.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
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