June 30, 2025 • 28 mins
Koya Bakare is a NY model featured in Essence, Vogue, and InStyle. She’s also an educator, author, and the National Beauty Pageant Winner of the Elite Ms. US United — 2024-25. However, for Koya, pageantry is much more than the crown and the glitz. For her, the discipline of modelling became the avenue that gave her the courage to dig deep within herself, confront a debilitating past, and find her voice. “My crown was always there,” I simply needed to find my voice and to remember to share it with heart and pride.”
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Virgin.
(00:02):
Beauty.
Bitch.
Podcast.
Inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique life experiences without fear
of being defiantly different.
Your hosts.
Christopher and Heather.
Let's talk, shall we?
For some people, the most important thing in the world is having a voice.
(00:26):
But for many of us, the most difficult thing in life is finding our voice.
I know at least one person who would say amen to that.
And it's 2024/25 National Beauty Pageant winner, the elite Miss US United, Koya Bakare.
(00:47):
Welcome Koya to Virgin Beauty Bitch.
Thank you, Christopher.
Thank you.
Thank you for that.
Heather, for having me.
Now Koya, since beauty is the middle name of our podcast, we will definitely be covering
your experience as a beauty queen.
But to begin, we would love to explore your journey in finding your voice in the world,
(01:08):
a journey that began with the trauma of being robbed of your innocence.
First, I never thought of myself as victorious for many years.
I would always preface my journey as one being a victim.
I'm no longer in that space.
What happened to me as a child is that I was sexually assaulted.
(01:32):
I did not know how to verbalize that.
I wasn't really fluent in how to articulate the trauma.
It shows up in so many different ways.
When it occurred, it silenced me in a sense that I learned to compartmentalize.
(01:54):
We now use the word masking.
I learned how to mask my trauma with trauma.
With that being said, dealing with the onset of the sexual assault, I then became bulimic.
I thought that gave me control over my life.
(02:16):
I was taunted.
I was bullied.
We hear a lot of different stories.
Though they have similarities, all of our journey is very unique.
But jumping forward, the common thread that I now realize in our humanity is that we have
an ability to obtain hope, and to stand in it, and to be victorious.
(02:42):
Going back, sexual assault, then birth, me being bulimic, then birth, dealing with the
onset of all this trauma where I became depressed and attempted suicide twice.
The second time that I attempted to suicide, the term now, here is to un-alive myself.
(03:06):
I was undergrads in school.
I remember awakening thinking I couldn't even get this right.
But the turning point for me was I had a professor, it was a couple of turning points.
I had a professor, and I may cry.
I'm not very free with my tears, and it was not out of woefulness, it's a celebration of
(03:32):
reflecting back where I was and where I am now.
I remember a professor saying to me, I was being chatting in class one day, and she asked
me to come to her office ahead and I didn't know I did why.
And she said to me, "Why are you allowing the attention you're receiving to impact your
(03:56):
academics?"
What I processed was someone thought I was pretty, and it floored me because the abuse,
the trauma, did not correlate to beauty.
It correlated to someone who didn't have value, who didn't have worth.
(04:17):
It was in that moment that I realized that I had a lot, well, one of the moments that pretty
much were starting to stack in a positive way, that I was allowing the trauma to define
the chapters of my life.
I didn't realize that I had authorship over who I am and what I can walk into despite what
(04:39):
had happened.
So I remember going to my room, I wish I had a great story to say that I was in this
great wonderful space.
I had a D on a paper I had never, what I knew was I was academic.
I never seen a D, what did that mean?
Oh God.
But what has started me doing to have these very pointed conversations with myself?
(04:59):
And I remember calling my mother.
Well, it's been passed, but she definitely was just an angel in my life.
I didn't realize everyone didn't have a mother like mine.
And I was speaking to her about these things that I was going through.
Fast forward, I'm now graduated from undergrad and grad school, still struggling with
Belemia and a friend of mine who was a model, he used to model for Calvin Klein.
(05:24):
So he saw something different in me and it wasn't something of light.
He identified the struggles with Belemia.
And I remember I was going to the bathroom and he didn't walk all the way in.
He was a gentleman.
But he waited, he peeped in, he waited at the door and he said to me, "If you do it again,
(05:47):
I'm going to tell your father."
Now granted, here's the caveat, he didn't know my dad, but he knew I had so much irreverence
for my father.
My mind processed, my secret is out.
And I begged him not to say anything because it really wasn't about the Belemia.
So I thought it was about someone else was taking something from me that I held.
(06:13):
It's the thing that I had control over.
And so I begged, I'm like, "No, I'm going to get it together."
He was like, "You need a therapist."
I said, "No, I'm fine."
Because I knew how to mask well.
I thought I really thought I was.
I thought it was something that, "Oh, it's a one-off.
I can deal with it."
(06:33):
I could not.
I went home that day and I said to myself, "This will be the last time. It wasn't."
But the key turning point was I heard a quote from Les Brown, a motivational speaker who happened
to be on the television at the time.
You couldn't tell me he wasn't speaking to me, but he said, "If there is no enemy within
(06:56):
the enemy outside, would do me no harm."
It was then everything started to come together.
I had a lot of, I was had become not my greatest advocate or cheerleader.
I became my worst enemy because I used the toxicity that everyone had put into me.
Those actions that had happened to me to define my pathway.
(07:20):
I felt no different than my abusers because I had then become the abuser.
So I called my mother.
We got into therapy.
And it was an uphill battle, but it's the thing that saved my life.
So now, doing that process, I found my voice.
(07:40):
I was able to literally stand, all I could do was crawl.
And now I used this platform to say there is hope on the other side.
I am a living example.
I celebrate life.
I rejoice by water.
And I say that often because I feel the tears coming. Because I remember time.
Darling Christopher, I said I wasn't going to cry.
(08:02):
But we are your cup. Keep crying. Cry all you want.
Chris, thank you.
Thank you.
And I'm very free with it.
But I remember I was thinking about water as a way to unalive myself.
Now I can't wait to be beside it.
I can't wait to hear the birds chirp me.
(08:23):
There's a, there's a beauty in life that I missed for so long.
And I used that word purposefully.
It doesn't mean that I understand now that I may not, that I always have days full of
glee.
I'm human.
There will be days that may not feel as stellar as I would desire to.
(08:44):
But overly, there's a beauty I celebrate and I rejoice to be here.
So I hope I answered your question.
But if I can offer anything at the time and we're sharing to just inform everyone that
there's another side.
And there's a journey that you take, but there's another side and it's absolutely beautiful.
(09:06):
Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing that because there's I think what really kind of like hit me in
what you are saying is when you were talking about that inner voice that says, I can't even
get this right.
And there's, you know, that's something that I've heard so frequently from so many different
(09:27):
women and, you know, feeling like we're so alone that like we just can't seem to get our
shit together.
So we look to different avenues that we feel we have control so that it is something in
our lives that we can look at to say, this is mine.
I own it and I can control it.
And I really, I'm a huge advocate for therapy because I think everyone can benefit from having
(09:52):
another perspective and have somebody walk with you as you unpack your life, your trauma,
your feelings and kind of make a roadmap for what lay ahead.
But could you share with our listeners like in that journey that you were talking about
or maybe something that was like to a tool that you found during your therapy or or in
(10:15):
your own walk that kind of helped turn the page from where you were to to where you are
and where you're going.
Absolutely.
Thank you for asking.
And I'm going to use something as actually current.
When I came back into the industry, the pageant industry, I connected with my pageant coach
(10:36):
and my narrow pageant coach.
And I thought that I was okay and not that I was able to coast, but my platform is self-love
and power to ignite.
And she asked me why, what why was my platform when it was and I wanted to depth about my life.
(10:58):
And she told me she would not work with me unless I went back into active therapy.
I was shocked because I thought I was okay.
And she said to me, you may think you okay and I'm pausing because I feel good right ahead.
She, she was able to see.
(11:23):
I want to be able to articulate.
So that's why I'm trying to say this out this dark.
She was able to see that I was masking and I didn't even realize it.
So I'm very grateful for her.
Of course, she's my, she stuck with me now.
(11:45):
I'm like, you're going to be my manager
forever.
But what she said to me, and it took six months before she would start to work with me again. I consider
myself an active therapy because I have a therapy maybe twice a month.
She said, no, you need to go at least once a week.
She said, because you have to be able to speak about your trauma and speak to the point
(12:07):
of the resiliency while identifying that you've taken yourself out of that circumstance.
Again, I thought I was okay and what she was referencing was that she asked me, where is
little Koya?
And in referencing that, she was speaking to where I, where the abuse happened, which was
in the home, the basement of the home.
(12:29):
And I say this to her, she's still in the basement and she said to me, why haven't you taken
her out?
That was the turning point for me.
I thought again because I can compartmentalize very well, I can mask it that haven't
heard there in my mind.
She was okay.
She said, she's not okay until you pull her out and she identifies, she's no longer in
that space.
(12:50):
So I went back into active therapy and I was able after some months because that was very
challenging for me.
I had to go back, I had to fill it, I had to see it.
I had to open up those caverns of my mind and even know that I had locked it through the
key away.
And so when I pulled her out, that was the true turning point for me.
(13:11):
And if I can, I'm surmised that it's identifying those layers that you need to pull back.
The work was identified that they even existed.
And then going back, confronting that pain and then making it whole.
(13:33):
It was them that I was able to find this voice.
I would not have been able to speak as passionately as endearing.
Of course, like I said, you would never know.
I can say 100%.
Because I allowed my younger stuff to still stay in that space.
Now we've now connected the younger to the older, to the more mature, the more seated
(13:56):
if you will.
And so that was the turning point when I was able to go back in my mind to find out what
elements of myself still needed to be healed, to be nourished, to have those that green grass
to flourish, and then breathe.
(14:16):
I was suffocating.
When I went back mentally, of course, to that space, I was bowled up still in that fetal
position, waiting for someone to bring me out.
And though it's more of a mental psychological exercise, I felt every step down the stairs.
(14:37):
I heard the creek.
I smelled the basement.
I heard the TV turned up.
So no one used to muffled out my screams.
I saw it all.
And I gently pulled her out.
Yes, without question.
That was the turning point.
And my therapist asked me.
(15:00):
My name is to belong as I shared.
A part of my name is a Kenjulae and it means the treasure.
In that third, my therapist asked me, why do I reference Kolia, the younger self only as
a Kenjulae and my oldest self as a Kenjula?
And I said because they're two separate people and she said, you're healing begins when you
can merge them together.
(15:21):
And that was part of me still allowing little Koya to be in that basement.
Now, or they are dynamic duo.
But to answer your question, it was the turning point was to go back and to identify those pieces
that were still bound with pain.
(15:44):
It was anguish.
But to no longer, I became comfortable being uncomfortable if that makes sense.
And I no longer want to surrender myself consciously yet unconsciously to being a victim of my
own mind.
I hope that answers your question.
That was honestly very powerful.
(16:07):
And I commend you for the work that you've done to go down and get your younger self out
of the basement.
Some of the most powerful work I've done as well has been going into a visualization of
past trauma and realizing that your parent self, you as your older self, can pull your younger
(16:32):
self out of the basement.
It's incredibly healing work.
It's challenging to say the least.
But I really appreciate hearing your personal story because when we get into the details
of what helped, that's where I feel that other people find the courage to go and do that
(16:56):
for their own inner child.
I believe that we think that there's some sort of magic pill or magic enchantement that
will deliver us from our pain and suffering.
However, I also wanted to point out that there's something within you that others saw, even
(17:21):
in your suffering, others saw a light, the man who came to the bathroom, your manager.
They saw something in you that was possible.
Did you start to believe in it eventually?
And that's where you've come to?
(17:42):
Yes, thank God.
Thank God.
Though I laugh, I'm so grateful and I do come to her.
I'm so grateful to have had my own angels as I turn them here with me.
This journey definitely when that has been possible without others being observant and taking
(18:08):
the interest in my own healing and living, not even knowing what my pathway had been or
but they saw a progression from where I was.
It's become my life's work.
I've been blessed to have amazing opportunities.
(18:31):
I've done the vows that essence.
I've done all those.
This is my life work.
It is definitely a very clear as to what my purpose is.
I believe it's the same purpose that others saw in me to be a light, to be of hope.
Yeah, I give thanks for them.
(18:53):
They literally saved my life.
I don't know if they knew it now, you know it.
They literally saved my life.
Hopefully they will hear this.
However, give us a picture of what you do now and how you have laid a foundation for
others in your position where you were to pull themselves into their light as well.
(19:16):
Thank you.
I can talk about the different things, the different titles, MC and facilitator workshops
and things like that.
But the crux of what I do is to speak to the importance of living, to understand that
the capacity of your heart is how it vibrates in the rhythm of it as authored by you.
(19:38):
A lot of times I feel as human beings, the world says that we can give and we can't.
We can give unto others and we can help to be our brothers keep growing.
Yes, we can.
But there's a piece that's missing, I believe.
At least I didn't always hear it.
You also need to give that same grace in the amount of love and hope and adoration unto
(20:00):
yourself.
You should be that first part taker.
I know for me, I allowed a lot of people to write that story and I wasn't really clear
how to offer that until myself.
So that's pretty much what I do.
Whether it's through workshops as a speaker, whether on different platforms such as yours
(20:22):
or I'm walking down the street and I see a human being who I just want to offer her.
People thought I was crazy doing one thing called holy hit the world but I thought what better
time to allow someone to know that they're cared for.
Even if you don't know me.
But that's what I seek to do is to offer light and care unto another just as it was offered
(20:48):
to me.
I've had a wonderful opportunity to do so many things not just with this title but just
in my life's journey and I'm blown away to be very honest.
Sometimes I have a talk and I sometimes oftentimes with my younger self to say hey, good
(21:10):
you.
Look at you.
The piano is my special place.
I want to feel safe.
I feel protected when those keys are being tickled.
(21:33):
I want to give that same level of love and care when I hug someone.
It's very dear to me.
I love to speak about the thread that we all have as human beings.
(21:55):
Sometimes we forget that others need to be reminded that they are important and that
they are cherished and that they have value and that they have a unique position in this
world that's purpose just for them.
That's what I do.
I hope to be a beacon of light to be my other than you two shine serratantly and brilliantly.
(22:19):
I get excited every time I meet a new person.
I hope that answers your question.
Absolutely.
I want to hone in on a question that we love to ask our guests because you've rocked
runways, headshots, crowns, but your definition of beauty goes much deeper.
(22:41):
We love to ask our guests what does one of the names in our show mean to you.
I ask you if there's one of the three virgin beauty bits that you want to dive deeper in,
we'd love to hear your thoughts on that.
Thank you for asking.
Let me profess it by saying, I do not believe that beauty means that you will be out, you
(23:06):
will be without going navigating the space that may be uncomfortable.
But I do believe that beauty is being able to become to exist as that person, the essence
of you that has pulled away those layers from what someone else has tried to place up
(23:33):
hung you.
It's being still and residing in your stillness even though you may be enduring wolfiness,
even though you may be enduring a place of being uncomfortable.
Maybe to me the crux of it is generally knowing who you are as defined by you on your own
(23:59):
terms.
That in itself to me is work.
And I've been thinking more and more about that over this last year because it has such
a very the myriad of definitions, but it also becomes very personal.
To me, it's not defined by someone else's authorship.
(24:22):
It truly is you being the essence of who you are and being able to be still and resilient
in that.
And that, excuse me, requires work to identify who actually are you when you take away
the titles and as partner, as daughter, lover, friend, who are you?
(24:48):
And when you get to the crux of that, that to me is true beauty and being able to navigate
spaces as that.
We cannot express how much we love that answer.
Thank you.
That is just profound for us.
In Heather and I started this podcast, beauty was just a word.
(25:14):
Over the years that we've been doing this and having these conversations, it is such,
it is infinite.
The way that you can look at just that one word and every individual person and how they
define it, it is infinite.
(25:35):
So we truly, from our hearts, appreciate your perspective, especially in contrast to your
position, the profession of beauty as it has been laid out in the world, which a lot of
people believe just trivial.
(25:56):
But your message proves that it is beyond trivial.
It is absolutely profound.
So thank you so much for expressing that.
Thank you.
I have a good thing going here.
I love the energy.
(26:17):
And it is a salient conversation.
I was thinking over your title and just how as women, there are even human beings, how we
wrestle with so many different words, so many connotations that have been applied on
to us and we can be selective in how we want to define that.
(26:37):
But I thought of myself how I now define it for myself.
When it goes back to, when I didn't realize that I had that ability, that I could give myself
permission to decide to define it for my own life.
So your platform is powerful.
(26:59):
I want people to identify that, yes, you can be the author of your own love, your own love
story.
That is the whole point.
The greatest love story, your own love that is the whole point.
The greatest love story.
I am here for that.
I love it.
I cannot thank you enough for opening your heart, sharing your experiences, cracking open
(27:27):
your vulnerability and watering us with your tears because we grow from that.
Thank you so, so much, Koya.
You're welcome.
Thank you for having such a divine and such a positive space.
You stuck with me now.
I want to hear most of that.
Yes, it is.
(27:48):
Thank you so much.
This has been so good.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And you have been listening to the Virgin, the beauty and the bitch.
Find us, let us, sure us.
Please let us know how this touches you.
(28:11):
We would love to get your feet back on.
What it is our guests bring to the table because we find it bountiful and beautiful.
So please let us know.
To become a partner in the VBB community, we invite you to find us at virginbeautybitch.com
(28:33):
like us on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn and share us with people who are defiantly different
like you.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
(upbeat music)
Virgin.
(00:02):
Beauty.
Bitch.
Podcast.
Inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique life experiences without fear
of being defiantly different.
Your hosts.
Christopher and Heather.
Let's talk, shall we?
For some people, the most important thing in the world is having a voice.
(00:26):
But for many of us, the most difficult thing in life is finding our voice.
I know at least one person who would say amen to that.
And it's 2024/25 National Beauty Pageant winner, the elite Miss US United, Koya Bakare.
(00:47):
Welcome Koya to Virgin Beauty Bitch.
Thank you, Christopher.
Thank you.
Thank you for that.
Heather, for having me.
Now Koya, since beauty is the middle name of our podcast, we will definitely be covering
your experience as a beauty queen.
But to begin, we would love to explore your journey in finding your voice in the world,
(01:08):
a journey that began with the trauma of being robbed of your innocence.
First, I never thought of myself as victorious for many years.
I would always preface my journey as one being a victim.
I'm no longer in that space.
What happened to me as a child is that I was sexually assaulted.
(01:32):
I did not know how to verbalize that.
I wasn't really fluent in how to articulate the trauma.
It shows up in so many different ways.
When it occurred, it silenced me in a sense that I learned to compartmentalize.
(01:54):
We now use the word masking.
I learned how to mask my trauma with trauma.
With that being said, dealing with the onset of the sexual assault, I then became bulimic.
I thought that gave me control over my life.
(02:16):
I was taunted.
I was bullied.
We hear a lot of different stories.
Though they have similarities, all of our journey is very unique.
But jumping forward, the common thread that I now realize in our humanity is that we have
an ability to obtain hope, and to stand in it, and to be victorious.
(02:42):
Going back, sexual assault, then birth, me being bulimic, then birth, dealing with the
onset of all this trauma where I became depressed and attempted suicide twice.
The second time that I attempted to suicide, the term now, here is to un-alive myself.
(03:06):
I was undergrads in school.
I remember awakening thinking I couldn't even get this right.
But the turning point for me was I had a professor, it was a couple of turning points.
I had a professor, and I may cry.
I'm not very free with my tears, and it was not out of woefulness, it's a celebration of
(03:32):
reflecting back where I was and where I am now.
I remember a professor saying to me, I was being chatting in class one day, and she asked
me to come to her office ahead and I didn't know I did why.
And she said to me, "Why are you allowing the attention you're receiving to impact your
(03:56):
academics?"
What I processed was someone thought I was pretty, and it floored me because the abuse,
the trauma, did not correlate to beauty.
It correlated to someone who didn't have value, who didn't have worth.
(04:17):
It was in that moment that I realized that I had a lot, well, one of the moments that pretty
much were starting to stack in a positive way, that I was allowing the trauma to define
the chapters of my life.
I didn't realize that I had authorship over who I am and what I can walk into despite what
(04:39):
had happened.
So I remember going to my room, I wish I had a great story to say that I was in this
great wonderful space.
I had a D on a paper I had never, what I knew was I was academic.
I never seen a D, what did that mean?
Oh God.
But what has started me doing to have these very pointed conversations with myself?
(04:59):
And I remember calling my mother.
Well, it's been passed, but she definitely was just an angel in my life.
I didn't realize everyone didn't have a mother like mine.
And I was speaking to her about these things that I was going through.
Fast forward, I'm now graduated from undergrad and grad school, still struggling with
Belemia and a friend of mine who was a model, he used to model for Calvin Klein.
(05:24):
So he saw something different in me and it wasn't something of light.
He identified the struggles with Belemia.
And I remember I was going to the bathroom and he didn't walk all the way in.
He was a gentleman.
But he waited, he peeped in, he waited at the door and he said to me, "If you do it again,
(05:47):
I'm going to tell your father."
Now granted, here's the caveat, he didn't know my dad, but he knew I had so much irreverence
for my father.
My mind processed, my secret is out.
And I begged him not to say anything because it really wasn't about the Belemia.
So I thought it was about someone else was taking something from me that I held.
(06:13):
It's the thing that I had control over.
And so I begged, I'm like, "No, I'm going to get it together."
He was like, "You need a therapist."
I said, "No, I'm fine."
Because I knew how to mask well.
I thought I really thought I was.
I thought it was something that, "Oh, it's a one-off.
I can deal with it."
(06:33):
I could not.
I went home that day and I said to myself, "This will be the last time. It wasn't."
But the key turning point was I heard a quote from Les Brown, a motivational speaker who happened
to be on the television at the time.
You couldn't tell me he wasn't speaking to me, but he said, "If there is no enemy within
(06:56):
the enemy outside, would do me no harm."
It was then everything started to come together.
I had a lot of, I was had become not my greatest advocate or cheerleader.
I became my worst enemy because I used the toxicity that everyone had put into me.
Those actions that had happened to me to define my pathway.
(07:20):
I felt no different than my abusers because I had then become the abuser.
So I called my mother.
We got into therapy.
And it was an uphill battle, but it's the thing that saved my life.
So now, doing that process, I found my voice.
(07:40):
I was able to literally stand, all I could do was crawl.
And now I used this platform to say there is hope on the other side.
I am a living example.
I celebrate life.
I rejoice by water.
And I say that often because I feel the tears coming. Because I remember time.
Darling Christopher, I said I wasn't going to cry.
(08:02):
But we are your cup. Keep crying. Cry all you want.
Chris, thank you.
Thank you.
And I'm very free with it.
But I remember I was thinking about water as a way to unalive myself.
Now I can't wait to be beside it.
I can't wait to hear the birds chirp me.
(08:23):
There's a, there's a beauty in life that I missed for so long.
And I used that word purposefully.
It doesn't mean that I understand now that I may not, that I always have days full of
glee.
I'm human.
There will be days that may not feel as stellar as I would desire to.
(08:44):
But overly, there's a beauty I celebrate and I rejoice to be here.
So I hope I answered your question.
But if I can offer anything at the time and we're sharing to just inform everyone that
there's another side.
And there's a journey that you take, but there's another side and it's absolutely beautiful.
(09:06):
Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing that because there's I think what really kind of like hit me in
what you are saying is when you were talking about that inner voice that says, I can't even
get this right.
And there's, you know, that's something that I've heard so frequently from so many different
(09:27):
women and, you know, feeling like we're so alone that like we just can't seem to get our
shit together.
So we look to different avenues that we feel we have control so that it is something in
our lives that we can look at to say, this is mine.
I own it and I can control it.
And I really, I'm a huge advocate for therapy because I think everyone can benefit from having
(09:52):
another perspective and have somebody walk with you as you unpack your life, your trauma,
your feelings and kind of make a roadmap for what lay ahead.
But could you share with our listeners like in that journey that you were talking about
or maybe something that was like to a tool that you found during your therapy or or in
(10:15):
your own walk that kind of helped turn the page from where you were to to where you are
and where you're going.
Absolutely.
Thank you for asking.
And I'm going to use something as actually current.
When I came back into the industry, the pageant industry, I connected with my pageant coach
(10:36):
and my narrow pageant coach.
And I thought that I was okay and not that I was able to coast, but my platform is self-love
and power to ignite.
And she asked me why, what why was my platform when it was and I wanted to depth about my life.
(10:58):
And she told me she would not work with me unless I went back into active therapy.
I was shocked because I thought I was okay.
And she said to me, you may think you okay and I'm pausing because I feel good right ahead.
She, she was able to see.
(11:23):
I want to be able to articulate.
So that's why I'm trying to say this out this dark.
She was able to see that I was masking and I didn't even realize it.
So I'm very grateful for her.
Of course, she's my, she stuck with me now.
(11:45):
I'm like, you're going to be my manager
forever.
But what she said to me, and it took six months before she would start to work with me again. I consider
myself an active therapy because I have a therapy maybe twice a month.
She said, no, you need to go at least once a week.
She said, because you have to be able to speak about your trauma and speak to the point
(12:07):
of the resiliency while identifying that you've taken yourself out of that circumstance.
Again, I thought I was okay and what she was referencing was that she asked me, where is
little Koya?
And in referencing that, she was speaking to where I, where the abuse happened, which was
in the home, the basement of the home.
(12:29):
And I say this to her, she's still in the basement and she said to me, why haven't you taken
her out?
That was the turning point for me.
I thought again because I can compartmentalize very well, I can mask it that haven't
heard there in my mind.
She was okay.
She said, she's not okay until you pull her out and she identifies, she's no longer in
that space.
(12:50):
So I went back into active therapy and I was able after some months because that was very
challenging for me.
I had to go back, I had to fill it, I had to see it.
I had to open up those caverns of my mind and even know that I had locked it through the
key away.
And so when I pulled her out, that was the true turning point for me.
(13:11):
And if I can, I'm surmised that it's identifying those layers that you need to pull back.
The work was identified that they even existed.
And then going back, confronting that pain and then making it whole.
(13:33):
It was them that I was able to find this voice.
I would not have been able to speak as passionately as endearing.
Of course, like I said, you would never know.
I can say 100%.
Because I allowed my younger stuff to still stay in that space.
Now we've now connected the younger to the older, to the more mature, the more seated
(13:56):
if you will.
And so that was the turning point when I was able to go back in my mind to find out what
elements of myself still needed to be healed, to be nourished, to have those that green grass
to flourish, and then breathe.
(14:16):
I was suffocating.
When I went back mentally, of course, to that space, I was bowled up still in that fetal
position, waiting for someone to bring me out.
And though it's more of a mental psychological exercise, I felt every step down the stairs.
(14:37):
I heard the creek.
I smelled the basement.
I heard the TV turned up.
So no one used to muffled out my screams.
I saw it all.
And I gently pulled her out.
Yes, without question.
That was the turning point.
And my therapist asked me.
(15:00):
My name is to belong as I shared.
A part of my name is a Kenjulae and it means the treasure.
In that third, my therapist asked me, why do I reference Kolia, the younger self only as
a Kenjulae and my oldest self as a Kenjula?
And I said because they're two separate people and she said, you're healing begins when you
can merge them together.
(15:21):
And that was part of me still allowing little Koya to be in that basement.
Now, or they are dynamic duo.
But to answer your question, it was the turning point was to go back and to identify those pieces
that were still bound with pain.
(15:44):
It was anguish.
But to no longer, I became comfortable being uncomfortable if that makes sense.
And I no longer want to surrender myself consciously yet unconsciously to being a victim of my
own mind.
I hope that answers your question.
That was honestly very powerful.
(16:07):
And I commend you for the work that you've done to go down and get your younger self out
of the basement.
Some of the most powerful work I've done as well has been going into a visualization of
past trauma and realizing that your parent self, you as your older self, can pull your younger
(16:32):
self out of the basement.
It's incredibly healing work.
It's challenging to say the least.
But I really appreciate hearing your personal story because when we get into the details
of what helped, that's where I feel that other people find the courage to go and do that
(16:56):
for their own inner child.
I believe that we think that there's some sort of magic pill or magic enchantement that
will deliver us from our pain and suffering.
However, I also wanted to point out that there's something within you that others saw, even
(17:21):
in your suffering, others saw a light, the man who came to the bathroom, your manager.
They saw something in you that was possible.
Did you start to believe in it eventually?
And that's where you've come to?
(17:42):
Yes, thank God.
Thank God.
Though I laugh, I'm so grateful and I do come to her.
I'm so grateful to have had my own angels as I turn them here with me.
This journey definitely when that has been possible without others being observant and taking
(18:08):
the interest in my own healing and living, not even knowing what my pathway had been or
but they saw a progression from where I was.
It's become my life's work.
I've been blessed to have amazing opportunities.
(18:31):
I've done the vows that essence.
I've done all those.
This is my life work.
It is definitely a very clear as to what my purpose is.
I believe it's the same purpose that others saw in me to be a light, to be of hope.
Yeah, I give thanks for them.
(18:53):
They literally saved my life.
I don't know if they knew it now, you know it.
They literally saved my life.
Hopefully they will hear this.
However, give us a picture of what you do now and how you have laid a foundation for
others in your position where you were to pull themselves into their light as well.
(19:16):
Thank you.
I can talk about the different things, the different titles, MC and facilitator workshops
and things like that.
But the crux of what I do is to speak to the importance of living, to understand that
the capacity of your heart is how it vibrates in the rhythm of it as authored by you.
(19:38):
A lot of times I feel as human beings, the world says that we can give and we can't.
We can give unto others and we can help to be our brothers keep growing.
Yes, we can.
But there's a piece that's missing, I believe.
At least I didn't always hear it.
You also need to give that same grace in the amount of love and hope and adoration unto
(20:00):
yourself.
You should be that first part taker.
I know for me, I allowed a lot of people to write that story and I wasn't really clear
how to offer that until myself.
So that's pretty much what I do.
Whether it's through workshops as a speaker, whether on different platforms such as yours
(20:22):
or I'm walking down the street and I see a human being who I just want to offer her.
People thought I was crazy doing one thing called holy hit the world but I thought what better
time to allow someone to know that they're cared for.
Even if you don't know me.
But that's what I seek to do is to offer light and care unto another just as it was offered
(20:48):
to me.
I've had a wonderful opportunity to do so many things not just with this title but just
in my life's journey and I'm blown away to be very honest.
Sometimes I have a talk and I sometimes oftentimes with my younger self to say hey, good
(21:10):
you.
Look at you.
The piano is my special place.
I want to feel safe.
I feel protected when those keys are being tickled.
(21:33):
I want to give that same level of love and care when I hug someone.
It's very dear to me.
I love to speak about the thread that we all have as human beings.
(21:55):
Sometimes we forget that others need to be reminded that they are important and that
they are cherished and that they have value and that they have a unique position in this
world that's purpose just for them.
That's what I do.
I hope to be a beacon of light to be my other than you two shine serratantly and brilliantly.
(22:19):
I get excited every time I meet a new person.
I hope that answers your question.
Absolutely.
I want to hone in on a question that we love to ask our guests because you've rocked
runways, headshots, crowns, but your definition of beauty goes much deeper.
(22:41):
We love to ask our guests what does one of the names in our show mean to you.
I ask you if there's one of the three virgin beauty bits that you want to dive deeper in,
we'd love to hear your thoughts on that.
Thank you for asking.
Let me profess it by saying, I do not believe that beauty means that you will be out, you
(23:06):
will be without going navigating the space that may be uncomfortable.
But I do believe that beauty is being able to become to exist as that person, the essence
of you that has pulled away those layers from what someone else has tried to place up
(23:33):
hung you.
It's being still and residing in your stillness even though you may be enduring wolfiness,
even though you may be enduring a place of being uncomfortable.
Maybe to me the crux of it is generally knowing who you are as defined by you on your own
(23:59):
terms.
That in itself to me is work.
And I've been thinking more and more about that over this last year because it has such
a very the myriad of definitions, but it also becomes very personal.
To me, it's not defined by someone else's authorship.
(24:22):
It truly is you being the essence of who you are and being able to be still and resilient
in that.
And that, excuse me, requires work to identify who actually are you when you take away
the titles and as partner, as daughter, lover, friend, who are you?
(24:48):
And when you get to the crux of that, that to me is true beauty and being able to navigate
spaces as that.
We cannot express how much we love that answer.
Thank you.
That is just profound for us.
In Heather and I started this podcast, beauty was just a word.
(25:14):
Over the years that we've been doing this and having these conversations, it is such,
it is infinite.
The way that you can look at just that one word and every individual person and how they
define it, it is infinite.
(25:35):
So we truly, from our hearts, appreciate your perspective, especially in contrast to your
position, the profession of beauty as it has been laid out in the world, which a lot of
people believe just trivial.
(25:56):
But your message proves that it is beyond trivial.
It is absolutely profound.
So thank you so much for expressing that.
Thank you.
I have a good thing going here.
I love the energy.
(26:17):
And it is a salient conversation.
I was thinking over your title and just how as women, there are even human beings, how we
wrestle with so many different words, so many connotations that have been applied on
to us and we can be selective in how we want to define that.
(26:37):
But I thought of myself how I now define it for myself.
When it goes back to, when I didn't realize that I had that ability, that I could give myself
permission to decide to define it for my own life.
So your platform is powerful.
(26:59):
I want people to identify that, yes, you can be the author of your own love, your own love
story.
That is the whole point.
The greatest love story, your own love that is the whole point.
The greatest love story.
I am here for that.
I love it.
I cannot thank you enough for opening your heart, sharing your experiences, cracking open
(27:27):
your vulnerability and watering us with your tears because we grow from that.
Thank you so, so much, Koya.
You're welcome.
Thank you for having such a divine and such a positive space.
You stuck with me now.
I want to hear most of that.
Yes, it is.
(27:48):
Thank you so much.
This has been so good.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And you have been listening to the Virgin, the beauty and the bitch.
Find us, let us, sure us.
Please let us know how this touches you.
(28:11):
We would love to get your feet back on.
What it is our guests bring to the table because we find it bountiful and beautiful.
So please let us know.
To become a partner in the VBB community, we invite you to find us at virginbeautybitch.com
(28:33):
like us on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn and share us with people who are defiantly different
like you.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
(upbeat music)
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