November 23, 2025 • 29 mins
Lauren Wellbank admits that she’s one of the lucky ones. She’s a survivor of a near-death experience at the hands of a violent partner. After escaping her abusive relationship and learning that 1 in 4 women live under similar circumstances, Lauren felt compelled to share her story in hopes it would help guide other women who remain lost in toxic love. Lauren’s story illustrates that there is life beyond current circumstances, and she emphasizes the critical importance of overcoming the fear, shame, and silence that precede freedom.
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(00:00):
Virgin, Beauty, Bitch, Podcast, Inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique
(00:10):
life experiences without fear of being defiantly different.
Your hosts, Christopher and Heather, let's talk, shall we?
November 25 marked the official launch of the United Nations annual 16 days of activism
against gender-based violence.
The campaign continues through December 10, which is human rights day.
(00:32):
Virgin Beauty Bitch continues to support this initiative through conversations with women
who have been victims of abuse.
This week we welcome freelance writer, essayist, copywriter and public speaker Lauren
Wellbank to Virgin Beauty Bitch.
Welcome Lauren.
Hi, thank you so much for having me.
We are absolutely thrilled to have you.
Now Lauren, your writing is deeply personal and revealing of a time when your life could
(00:58):
easily have ended at the hands of a man you loved.
So I believe most women would want to bury those memories in hell if they could.
They definitely wouldn't be working hard to have them published.
So why is it so important for you to write and talk publicly about these experiences?
(01:19):
I happen to realize just how lucky I am to be able to tell this story because so many women
in my position just simply don't survive.
And even the ones that do don't necessarily ever get out of those relationships.
So I kind of feel like I owe it to the people who can't tell their stories, to tell this
story and hopefully give other women who are going through this, the idea that there is
(01:43):
another side to this.
You can get out.
There is life after this.
It doesn't have to be the big part of your story.
This can just be a little piece of it.
I cannot imagine how many times you've heard this from women.
I can never allow myself to be treated that way or I'll never understand how women end
up in these relationships or why don't they just leave.
(02:04):
What can you say to women who are on the other side of where you were?
So one thing that I always say and I begin any conversation that I have about this,
and when I'm just revealing it casually to a new friend, this relationship started the
same way every other relationship in the world starts.
(02:24):
I didn't know that I was getting into an abusive relationship when it started.
So I wasn't deciding to get into this knowing how it was going to turn out.
He was not a monster from the beginning.
He would be.
We knew each other for years before we even started dating.
So it's not that women are consciously choosing this.
And then once you get into it and you realize that you're in danger, it's incredibly hard
(02:49):
to get out and it becomes incredibly dangerous because you're putting your life on the line
half the time.
So when women say, "Well, I could never let somebody treat me that way or I couldn't believe
you didn't leave the first time he hit you," it's way more nuanced than that.
It's so complicated and it was, "I tried to leave."
And when I tried to leave, he tried to kill me.
So it's not a matter of just saying, "Okay, I'm done.
(03:11):
I washed my hands at this relationship and then I can walk out the door.
It's there's so much more to it.
And unless you've been in it and seen it, then you don't know that."
Just looking at that, some of the stories and it's really exemplified in what you just
said there, that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when
(03:34):
that person decides to leave.
And just how important having a safety plan in place can help in order to make that transition
once you're ready to do.
So would you mind sharing with us what that process was like for you, for listeners that
potentially are in that circumstance?
(03:57):
So I'll tell you, I tried it both ways.
I tried to leave the first time and the night that I told them that I didn't want to be
with him anymore, that I wanted our relationship to be over.
He tried to kill me.
He strangled me until I was on the verge of blacking out.
He put my head through all.
It was a very violent moment that I was lucky to escape with my life.
(04:18):
I did leave for a little bit and that's when I was able to tell my family.
I finally felt like now is the time I could open up about this because for a little bit
of time I thought that I was over dramatizing everything that was happening.
Maybe it's not that bad.
Maybe all relationships, people fight, men are jealous.
It's just something that happens.
(04:39):
I didn't let myself realize just how bad things had gotten until that night and everything
escalated so much.
So then I did tell my family and unfortunately I did what so many other people in my position
do.
I went back to him because once you get away and they try and woo you back, then it's they're
going to promise you the moon, they're going to change.
(05:01):
They never meant to hurt you.
This was the eye opening moment that they needed to realize that they couldn't keep going
this way.
So we ended up back together.
And then that second time that I left, I told my parents, I had to admit first that I had
gone back to him, but then I told them what was going on and they helped me.
And we called the police.
(05:22):
They came out and I filed a report.
Then I went to court and I had to get in the state where I live, a restraining order is
called a protection from abuse order.
So I had to go to court and I had to file for one of those.
They issued me an emergency one that day and that gave me 48 hours of protection and then
(05:42):
I had to actually go to court with a lawyer and sit down in a courtroom and get a permanent
one.
And I truly believe that having the support of my parents and having the support of the
police because the officer who came when I called knew what to say and he knew exactly how
to convince me, you need to file this police report and then you need to go and you need
(06:05):
to file for a PFA because he's going to kill you.
And he looked at my parents and said, if this was my daughter, this is what I would do.
And you should do this with her right now.
That is so encouraging me.
Amazing.
Because we always hear about the police and we hear about their, you know, disinterest or
(06:26):
their belief that there's nothing they can do because whatever it's domestic, that is
so encouraging to hear that a police officer actually took the initiative to look out
for you.
Yes, and it's unusual.
I know that that circumstance is unusual because more often than not, when they go into
a domestic dispute, they're already both people are part of the problem.
(06:50):
So I think that a big thing that saved me is that we weren't together.
What I called the police physically, we weren't together.
So it's not like he's standing there saying, well, she did this and I'm getting worked
up trying to defend myself.
The situation had already been a little diffused.
And the officer who came out had the correct training and that makes a huge difference too.
(07:11):
Yeah, I think from experiences and some of the research I've done and countless personal
stories with loved ones, you know, the training for officers in order to not make the situation
worse.
And I think they're predominantly, you know, in North America, there has been attempts
(07:32):
at the very least to get better training for officers to not let traditional or outdated
rhetoric supersede the reality of what's going to help a person in that circumstance.
And then the other thing that I hear from a lot of people who are trying to leave is that
the police are still viewed as a very, I don't know, extreme option.
(07:55):
They're worried potentially that their partner could go to jail or to be deported, etc.
And so for them, finding a women's organization in order to help them with a safety plan and
not having to get the police involved, there was an option for them that that was very
helpful considering in some areas, it's not on the individual to say if that person's
(08:20):
going to be prosecuted.
If the police are called in some jurisdictions, they just will be prosecuted.
That's correct.
So that keeps a lot of people from knowing what other resources are available to help them
before.
As you've said, I think that what some parents and what some loved ones don't, and even
(08:40):
the person in the abusive relationship themselves want to believe is that that person can and
will kill you.
And sometimes from other stories, you never think that that person's going to take it
to that level.
But I was reading and alarming statistics around the first time that an abuser will actually
(09:02):
physically hurt you, could be the time that they kill you.
Yes.
And you love that person and you don't want to believe that they're capable of that.
So that also helps them because you have that thing in the back of your head.
He loves me.
He doesn't mean it.
He's not really going to hurt me.
This is going to be okay.
(09:22):
And that only hurts victims because we're convincing ourselves.
We're telling ourselves the lie.
So evil catch 22 because when you're in love, you have hope and you have forgiveness
or whatever it is for this person who on the other side of that, you is unpredictable.
And there's nothing you can know of how far they will go in order to hurt you.
(09:48):
But love is kind of the buffer in between there that keeps you close.
Yeah.
Yeah, because you also, you want to hope that things are going to change and get better.
Because you love that person and you want to spend your life with them.
Or you want to spend your life with the version of them that's not hurting you.
Because that version does exist.
Yeah.
You said something interesting also about social media that had social media been what it is
(10:12):
today.
You may not have had what it took in order for you to get out because of all the opinions
that social media offer as well.
So it's interesting because when the whole Johnny Depp thing happened with ever heard,
that was very eye-opening for me because people treated it like a spectacle.
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It was a joke.
It was entertainment.
And that's how it was viewed by people.
And I unfortunately had a front receipt to a lot of people who I love and respect, making
light of the topic.
And we live in a time now where we know everybody's opinions and innermost thoughts, unfortunately,
because they share them on social media.
So seeing people talking about how horrible the person she was or how she should have known
(11:00):
better or anything like that, that's detrimental to somebody's ability to step out of that relationship
because now they feel like the problem.
They're embarrassed.
They're getting it, what feels like from all sides saying, you brought this on yourself.
This is your problem.
You must have done something to cause it.
And social media has played, unfortunately, a really big role in kind of protecting abusers
(11:26):
and shielding them from the blame because now we get to watch the women's story and know
what she did wrong.
And it would definitely have made it difficult for me to leave.
And cancel culture on top of that?
And cancel culture because there's that fear that you're going to ruin somebody's life
by speaking badly about them.
"Speaking badly about them, but telling the truth is going to hurt them worse than what
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they're doing to you."
But I feel like, oh, sorry.
No, go ahead.
I was going to say, I think that we've come far enough as a society where we have seen
how little cancel culture actually works and how many people do bad things and don't suffer
consequences for it.
So I think that's kind of a myth that also protects abusers of bad people and they can
(12:14):
say, "Oh no, cancel culture.
I don't want to be a victim of that."
But as we've seen, there are so few people who actually fall victim to that.
Yeah, I mean, it just really raged true from you right now with rhetoric that had already
been circulating, but it got a huge uptick with your body, my choice.
(12:34):
That just tears my heart apart.
It's hard to see between the lines of that and I just really commend people with resiliency
and strength like you because everyone who shares their story gives, I think, that next
person a little bit of hope or a little bit of strength in order to call out what they're
(12:57):
seeing or not allow the gaslighting to continue or to just see a different piece of the story.
So those are the things that give me hope.
So and I have to say, when I shared my story, I was hesitant to do it because it is such
a deeply personal thing and I still carry to this day.
There's still some shame and embarrassment about what happened.
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And I was a little hesitant to put that out into the world because now everybody knows
my biggest secret.
And after I did that, I was contacted by when I tell you hundreds of women came forward
and they told me their story and some of them were people I've known my whole life.
And I never knew that they went through it too.
And having me go out there and say, this is what happened to me, it gave them the ability
(13:45):
to say it as well.
And I had people that I love telling me that they also went through something similar.
And it allowed me to connect personally with people in my own life on a deeper level.
And it kind of gave me the ability to when I see something and somebody else say something
and say, are you okay?
(14:06):
Is everything alright?
You seem tense or it seems like things might be a little tense at home.
So it does sharing that story kind of removed the secrecy of it.
And it allowed me to show other people that it doesn't have to be a secret.
What's happening to you doesn't have to be your secret that you're carrying alone.
(14:26):
You can tell somebody and hopefully the person you tell can tell you what the next steps
are and what you can do to get safe.
I mean, isn't this how this process works?
Yes, you are in a situation where you are not the one in control and then you're made
to feel embarrassed about what you're suffering through.
So you never tell anyone and the cycle continues and it just perpetuates.
(14:49):
Isn't that the way it works?
Yes, absolutely.
The secrecy protects them.
It doesn't protect us.
So that's, I think that's the biggest thing that we as a society have to break free of
is the shame needs to be on the abuser, not the abused and screaming it from the rooftops
and saying, like, I'm aware that I have privilege.
I am white.
(15:10):
I live in a nice area and I can stand up and say this and my abusers also dead.
So there's no fear of repercussions for me.
I am safe to do this and I know that there are women who aren't.
But being able to stand up and say, this is what happened to me.
There's good on the other side of this.
If it gets better, you can get out.
(15:31):
Let me show you the way.
I think that gives people a little bit of confidence to do that as well.
Do you remember the moment it hits you that there's all this wall of fear in front of
me and embarrassment and what have gone through?
Do you remember the moment when it hits you that I have to break through this and I have
to tell my story out into the open, out into the open?
(15:55):
Do you remember what happened there?
I do.
I do.
I don't remember his name.
This is a ridiculous story, but I was watching the news and it was Hope Hicks, was the president,
President Trump's one of her advisors or something and she had begun dating this man and they were
talking about how this man had a history of abuse and they worked together and that was
(16:19):
exactly what happened to me.
I started dating a man that I worked with that I had known for years.
He had a history of abuse but I didn't know because nobody had told me and I remember watching
the news and thinking did somebody tell her?
It seems like it was the worst kept secret in the world that this man had a history of domestic
violence.
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Did she know?
Did somebody tell her when they found out she was dating and it just was eating at me and
eating at me and eating at me and it like a light bulb went off and I can tell her, not
Hope Hicks, but I can tell the world that there are men among us who are bad and it's not
our fault and it's not our fault that we got into that relationship.
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So that was the moment and I know that it is an odd circumstance to be inspired by that
but that's exactly what it was and I just felt like it was something I could do at a time
when I didn't feel like I had a lot of power.
So.
It is interesting the moments that just kind of hit us like that's the moment because
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I've in women who have chatted with me around these relationships.
One of the things that I think they grapple with is if and when you're ready to share your
story.
Again as you said with safety in mind and all of the revictimization that can happen
(17:49):
around where to place the blame and where society often does.
So I've encouraged in the past just how she's feeling, like what she's ready for because
I think sometimes there's a pressure to speak up because they don't want it to continue
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to happen to other women and I honor that and I think that there's like you said there's
something very powerful and not in not staying silent and the silence really helps the
abuser but just for women who may be grappling with or anyone who's in an abusive relationship
grappling with how and when to share their story do you have some insights on that part
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of your journey.
I would say that nobody's required to share their story.
Nobody's required to open themselves up in that way.
It's like slitting a vein and bleeding out that it not everybody needs to do that not
everybody can do that not everybody wants to do that and I think that that's okay but finding
somebody I just recently started therapy three months ago.
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I should have been in therapy years ago when all of this happened but I never had that
drive to go and as I've gotten older and become a parent I've become very aware of how important
my own mental health is to the people around me so I got into therapy and having somebody
to talk to even if it's a therapist that you're paying is something that everybody can
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benefit from but I think that victims and survivors can especially benefit because then
you can not only learn how to work through that shame but you don't have to tell the world
you can just tell one person and that can help for your heart from that weight of the embarrassment
and the mourning and the grief because there was also there's a grieving process because
(19:43):
the person that you fell in love with who turned out to be abusive you grieve that person
that you fell in love with so it's just there's so many complicated layers to him so I would
I would encourage anybody who is either in it or freshly out of it just all you need
is to find one person to tell you don't have to tell the world but if you find one person
(20:05):
that'll help. Well let me ask you this question so you have you have a couple of daughters.
I do I have two daughters and a son. So as a mom with your experience and what you've experienced
how do you prepare your daughters for their lives into relationship what do you do what
can you say? So one of the biggest things that both my husband and I push is that love
(20:27):
shouldn't hurt and that doesn't necessarily mean physically if somebody makes you feel
bad because they say mean things that's not love. If somebody is physically violent obviously
that's not love either and we talk a lot about consent nothing should happen that you don't
want to happen. So we that's kind of the foundation so my oldest is only nine years old so
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she's still a ways away from dating but that's the foundation that we want them to enter into
all of their relationships with even friendships because nobody should hurt you that cares about
you. So we want to just teach them that that's first and foremost and nobody deserves to be
hurt. So your parents loved you but they never gave you that wisdom about it. I don't know I'm very
(21:13):
cautious about putting the blame on my on my upbringing because I don't think that that played a role.
I think having a strong relationship with my parents and having parents who love me unconditionally
is what allowed me to get out. I don't think that they did anything wrong that caused me to get into
that relationship but having them be the person the people that they are helped me to get out.
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So one of the ways that I think about domestic violence is like a car accident. I didn't ask to be
teaboned it just happened. How you can't frame it as well I was raised wrong so I ended up in the
abusive relationship where I had daddy issues so I looked for a man who would take control. It doesn't
(21:59):
always work that way that's kind of just some of the myths that we've allowed to be perpetrated about
that we've allowed to just continue on about domestic violence because I think it's easier to believe
that than it is to believe that some people just want to hurt you. Thanks for clarifying that because
yeah there is a myth about that and understanding that people don't really understand so thank you
(22:25):
for that. And I would also add I am loaded with self confidence probably a little more than I deserve
and it happens to anybody like it really can happen to anybody it's not it's not like somebody's
looking for an easy target usually it's just they're bad people. We love to ask our guests and
(22:47):
I'm very like just interested to see what resonates for you but we like to ask what does feminine
mean to you? Feminine means I would say nurturing and soft when I think of feminine I think of clothing
(23:07):
like I think of dainty clothes that are very soft and pretty to look at. So a very traditional
view of what that word and how it looks. I suppose I think that there's also a when you talk about
things being feminine it's also very um demure and it's very um subjugated and it's a concept where
(23:35):
like you be quiet and you are reserved and so I don't think that when I think about feminine I
think of it and more as a feeling instead of a action. Are you feminine person? Would you say? I would not say
that I would say I have a I'm a bit of a bull in a childish job. We love asking that question because
(23:58):
we get so many variants of answers it's very interesting we're always very interested in how women
themselves hear and translate that word. Yeah and I imagine that you get probably a different answer
every time we do. Yeah part of the kind of foundations of the show is to understand what it means to
(24:22):
women like whether that's just um what it's been traditionally or if they've remolded it to be
something that's more true to who they are or if elements of it has shackled you to be a certain
way or maybe you just completely broke free of those shackles and rejected the word all of
(24:43):
all of those things we find very interesting on how to not see it see it one way and so that's why we
appreciate your thoughts on it. It's a good question I like that. It's a question we find that
women live under but never ask themselves. That makes sense. Right? You just assume this is what I am
because gender tells me that's what I'm supposed to be or I reject it and I know what it is but I'm not
(25:09):
that. Right? So they're all these variants. So for people who don't know learn well bank, what's
the best way to get to know your work? You can google me and there's a lot of really fun stuff and
a lot of really embarrassing stuff that will pop up. I have been working on a memoir about
(25:31):
my life as a victim of domestic violence and I have written several personal essays about it so
there's it depends on what you're looking to learn about me because you can find that or you can
find stories about my traumatic childbirth and all of that but there's I'm doing my best to take
(25:53):
some of the things that have happened to me and to tell those stories so that other people who are
going through this don't feel alone because unfortunately so many of us keep these hard things to ourselves
because of shame embarrassment or because we've been taught not to talk about that stuff.
And I know that that is not all that you do and all that you are so what are the things do you
(26:17):
present out into the world that people can look for? If you do google me you will notice that I write a
lot of how to's and exhalations on how to do stuff. Yeah that's what I'm talking about is like there's
stuff that you offer that's universal to anyone so. Yes there's a lot out there just google me.
Lauren we this is always a difficult topic to talk about because we're getting beneath the skin
(26:50):
down to some dark spaces where people have been in their lives but as you say and you've said in
your writing that it's important to talk about these things because you're not alone in whatever it
is you're going through you may feel like it however there's someone else who's gone through what
(27:10):
you've gone through and have come out the other side you're one of those people who has come out the
other side and it's important that people like you share where you've been so we can't thank you
enough for having that courage and taking a path that few people will take to share where they've
(27:32):
been as far as their hurt is concerned so we cannot thank you enough for taking time to expose
that part of yourself because of what it can do for others we appreciate that. Well and thank you
for giving me a platform to do it because hopefully if only one person hears this who needed to hear it
I hope that they get a chance to listen to my story and know that they're not alone. Amen.
(27:53):
Yeah it was so wonderful to meet you and thank you again for your insights I'll be checking you out
for the how-to's and everything else so I really appreciate your time today. Thank you. And we're
going to put this on on YouTube because you people need to see your smile like your smile just lights
up the world it's like amazing. Thank you I actually do hear that a lot thank you. So you've got to
(28:18):
Check that out, you've got to see Lauren smile, it's just beautiful, so thank you so much.
Thank you. And you have been listening to the Virgin the beauty and the fish you got to find us
and like us and then you want to share us and then you want to come on back with all your friends.
To become a partner in the VBB community we invite you to find us at virginbeautybitch.com
(28:43):
like us on Facebook Instagram and LinkedIn and share us with people who are defiantly different
like you. Until next time thanks for listening.
Virgin, Beauty, Bitch, Podcast, Inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique
(00:10):
life experiences without fear of being defiantly different.
Your hosts, Christopher and Heather, let's talk, shall we?
November 25 marked the official launch of the United Nations annual 16 days of activism
against gender-based violence.
The campaign continues through December 10, which is human rights day.
(00:32):
Virgin Beauty Bitch continues to support this initiative through conversations with women
who have been victims of abuse.
This week we welcome freelance writer, essayist, copywriter and public speaker Lauren
Wellbank to Virgin Beauty Bitch.
Welcome Lauren.
Hi, thank you so much for having me.
We are absolutely thrilled to have you.
Now Lauren, your writing is deeply personal and revealing of a time when your life could
(00:58):
easily have ended at the hands of a man you loved.
So I believe most women would want to bury those memories in hell if they could.
They definitely wouldn't be working hard to have them published.
So why is it so important for you to write and talk publicly about these experiences?
(01:19):
I happen to realize just how lucky I am to be able to tell this story because so many women
in my position just simply don't survive.
And even the ones that do don't necessarily ever get out of those relationships.
So I kind of feel like I owe it to the people who can't tell their stories, to tell this
story and hopefully give other women who are going through this, the idea that there is
(01:43):
another side to this.
You can get out.
There is life after this.
It doesn't have to be the big part of your story.
This can just be a little piece of it.
I cannot imagine how many times you've heard this from women.
I can never allow myself to be treated that way or I'll never understand how women end
up in these relationships or why don't they just leave.
(02:04):
What can you say to women who are on the other side of where you were?
So one thing that I always say and I begin any conversation that I have about this,
and when I'm just revealing it casually to a new friend, this relationship started the
same way every other relationship in the world starts.
(02:24):
I didn't know that I was getting into an abusive relationship when it started.
So I wasn't deciding to get into this knowing how it was going to turn out.
He was not a monster from the beginning.
He would be.
We knew each other for years before we even started dating.
So it's not that women are consciously choosing this.
And then once you get into it and you realize that you're in danger, it's incredibly hard
(02:49):
to get out and it becomes incredibly dangerous because you're putting your life on the line
half the time.
So when women say, "Well, I could never let somebody treat me that way or I couldn't believe
you didn't leave the first time he hit you," it's way more nuanced than that.
It's so complicated and it was, "I tried to leave."
And when I tried to leave, he tried to kill me.
So it's not a matter of just saying, "Okay, I'm done.
(03:11):
I washed my hands at this relationship and then I can walk out the door.
It's there's so much more to it.
And unless you've been in it and seen it, then you don't know that."
Just looking at that, some of the stories and it's really exemplified in what you just
said there, that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when
(03:34):
that person decides to leave.
And just how important having a safety plan in place can help in order to make that transition
once you're ready to do.
So would you mind sharing with us what that process was like for you, for listeners that
potentially are in that circumstance?
(03:57):
So I'll tell you, I tried it both ways.
I tried to leave the first time and the night that I told them that I didn't want to be
with him anymore, that I wanted our relationship to be over.
He tried to kill me.
He strangled me until I was on the verge of blacking out.
He put my head through all.
It was a very violent moment that I was lucky to escape with my life.
(04:18):
I did leave for a little bit and that's when I was able to tell my family.
I finally felt like now is the time I could open up about this because for a little bit
of time I thought that I was over dramatizing everything that was happening.
Maybe it's not that bad.
Maybe all relationships, people fight, men are jealous.
It's just something that happens.
(04:39):
I didn't let myself realize just how bad things had gotten until that night and everything
escalated so much.
So then I did tell my family and unfortunately I did what so many other people in my position
do.
I went back to him because once you get away and they try and woo you back, then it's they're
going to promise you the moon, they're going to change.
(05:01):
They never meant to hurt you.
This was the eye opening moment that they needed to realize that they couldn't keep going
this way.
So we ended up back together.
And then that second time that I left, I told my parents, I had to admit first that I had
gone back to him, but then I told them what was going on and they helped me.
And we called the police.
(05:22):
They came out and I filed a report.
Then I went to court and I had to get in the state where I live, a restraining order is
called a protection from abuse order.
So I had to go to court and I had to file for one of those.
They issued me an emergency one that day and that gave me 48 hours of protection and then
(05:42):
I had to actually go to court with a lawyer and sit down in a courtroom and get a permanent
one.
And I truly believe that having the support of my parents and having the support of the
police because the officer who came when I called knew what to say and he knew exactly how
to convince me, you need to file this police report and then you need to go and you need
(06:05):
to file for a PFA because he's going to kill you.
And he looked at my parents and said, if this was my daughter, this is what I would do.
And you should do this with her right now.
That is so encouraging me.
Amazing.
Because we always hear about the police and we hear about their, you know, disinterest or
(06:26):
their belief that there's nothing they can do because whatever it's domestic, that is
so encouraging to hear that a police officer actually took the initiative to look out
for you.
Yes, and it's unusual.
I know that that circumstance is unusual because more often than not, when they go into
a domestic dispute, they're already both people are part of the problem.
(06:50):
So I think that a big thing that saved me is that we weren't together.
What I called the police physically, we weren't together.
So it's not like he's standing there saying, well, she did this and I'm getting worked
up trying to defend myself.
The situation had already been a little diffused.
And the officer who came out had the correct training and that makes a huge difference too.
(07:11):
Yeah, I think from experiences and some of the research I've done and countless personal
stories with loved ones, you know, the training for officers in order to not make the situation
worse.
And I think they're predominantly, you know, in North America, there has been attempts
(07:32):
at the very least to get better training for officers to not let traditional or outdated
rhetoric supersede the reality of what's going to help a person in that circumstance.
And then the other thing that I hear from a lot of people who are trying to leave is that
the police are still viewed as a very, I don't know, extreme option.
(07:55):
They're worried potentially that their partner could go to jail or to be deported, etc.
And so for them, finding a women's organization in order to help them with a safety plan and
not having to get the police involved, there was an option for them that that was very
helpful considering in some areas, it's not on the individual to say if that person's
(08:20):
going to be prosecuted.
If the police are called in some jurisdictions, they just will be prosecuted.
That's correct.
So that keeps a lot of people from knowing what other resources are available to help them
before.
As you've said, I think that what some parents and what some loved ones don't, and even
(08:40):
the person in the abusive relationship themselves want to believe is that that person can and
will kill you.
And sometimes from other stories, you never think that that person's going to take it
to that level.
But I was reading and alarming statistics around the first time that an abuser will actually
(09:02):
physically hurt you, could be the time that they kill you.
Yes.
And you love that person and you don't want to believe that they're capable of that.
So that also helps them because you have that thing in the back of your head.
He loves me.
He doesn't mean it.
He's not really going to hurt me.
This is going to be okay.
(09:22):
And that only hurts victims because we're convincing ourselves.
We're telling ourselves the lie.
So evil catch 22 because when you're in love, you have hope and you have forgiveness
or whatever it is for this person who on the other side of that, you is unpredictable.
And there's nothing you can know of how far they will go in order to hurt you.
(09:48):
But love is kind of the buffer in between there that keeps you close.
Yeah.
Yeah, because you also, you want to hope that things are going to change and get better.
Because you love that person and you want to spend your life with them.
Or you want to spend your life with the version of them that's not hurting you.
Because that version does exist.
Yeah.
You said something interesting also about social media that had social media been what it is
(10:12):
today.
You may not have had what it took in order for you to get out because of all the opinions
that social media offer as well.
So it's interesting because when the whole Johnny Depp thing happened with ever heard,
that was very eye-opening for me because people treated it like a spectacle.
(10:33):
It was a joke.
It was entertainment.
And that's how it was viewed by people.
And I unfortunately had a front receipt to a lot of people who I love and respect, making
light of the topic.
And we live in a time now where we know everybody's opinions and innermost thoughts, unfortunately,
because they share them on social media.
So seeing people talking about how horrible the person she was or how she should have known
(11:00):
better or anything like that, that's detrimental to somebody's ability to step out of that relationship
because now they feel like the problem.
They're embarrassed.
They're getting it, what feels like from all sides saying, you brought this on yourself.
This is your problem.
You must have done something to cause it.
And social media has played, unfortunately, a really big role in kind of protecting abusers
(11:26):
and shielding them from the blame because now we get to watch the women's story and know
what she did wrong.
And it would definitely have made it difficult for me to leave.
And cancel culture on top of that?
And cancel culture because there's that fear that you're going to ruin somebody's life
by speaking badly about them.
"Speaking badly about them, but telling the truth is going to hurt them worse than what
(11:51):
they're doing to you."
But I feel like, oh, sorry.
No, go ahead.
I was going to say, I think that we've come far enough as a society where we have seen
how little cancel culture actually works and how many people do bad things and don't suffer
consequences for it.
So I think that's kind of a myth that also protects abusers of bad people and they can
(12:14):
say, "Oh no, cancel culture.
I don't want to be a victim of that."
But as we've seen, there are so few people who actually fall victim to that.
Yeah, I mean, it just really raged true from you right now with rhetoric that had already
been circulating, but it got a huge uptick with your body, my choice.
(12:34):
That just tears my heart apart.
It's hard to see between the lines of that and I just really commend people with resiliency
and strength like you because everyone who shares their story gives, I think, that next
person a little bit of hope or a little bit of strength in order to call out what they're
(12:57):
seeing or not allow the gaslighting to continue or to just see a different piece of the story.
So those are the things that give me hope.
So and I have to say, when I shared my story, I was hesitant to do it because it is such
a deeply personal thing and I still carry to this day.
There's still some shame and embarrassment about what happened.
(13:20):
And I was a little hesitant to put that out into the world because now everybody knows
my biggest secret.
And after I did that, I was contacted by when I tell you hundreds of women came forward
and they told me their story and some of them were people I've known my whole life.
And I never knew that they went through it too.
And having me go out there and say, this is what happened to me, it gave them the ability
(13:45):
to say it as well.
And I had people that I love telling me that they also went through something similar.
And it allowed me to connect personally with people in my own life on a deeper level.
And it kind of gave me the ability to when I see something and somebody else say something
and say, are you okay?
(14:06):
Is everything alright?
You seem tense or it seems like things might be a little tense at home.
So it does sharing that story kind of removed the secrecy of it.
And it allowed me to show other people that it doesn't have to be a secret.
What's happening to you doesn't have to be your secret that you're carrying alone.
(14:26):
You can tell somebody and hopefully the person you tell can tell you what the next steps
are and what you can do to get safe.
I mean, isn't this how this process works?
Yes, you are in a situation where you are not the one in control and then you're made
to feel embarrassed about what you're suffering through.
So you never tell anyone and the cycle continues and it just perpetuates.
(14:49):
Isn't that the way it works?
Yes, absolutely.
The secrecy protects them.
It doesn't protect us.
So that's, I think that's the biggest thing that we as a society have to break free of
is the shame needs to be on the abuser, not the abused and screaming it from the rooftops
and saying, like, I'm aware that I have privilege.
I am white.
(15:10):
I live in a nice area and I can stand up and say this and my abusers also dead.
So there's no fear of repercussions for me.
I am safe to do this and I know that there are women who aren't.
But being able to stand up and say, this is what happened to me.
There's good on the other side of this.
If it gets better, you can get out.
(15:31):
Let me show you the way.
I think that gives people a little bit of confidence to do that as well.
Do you remember the moment it hits you that there's all this wall of fear in front of
me and embarrassment and what have gone through?
Do you remember the moment when it hits you that I have to break through this and I have
to tell my story out into the open, out into the open?
(15:55):
Do you remember what happened there?
I do.
I do.
I don't remember his name.
This is a ridiculous story, but I was watching the news and it was Hope Hicks, was the president,
President Trump's one of her advisors or something and she had begun dating this man and they were
talking about how this man had a history of abuse and they worked together and that was
(16:19):
exactly what happened to me.
I started dating a man that I worked with that I had known for years.
He had a history of abuse but I didn't know because nobody had told me and I remember watching
the news and thinking did somebody tell her?
It seems like it was the worst kept secret in the world that this man had a history of domestic
violence.
(16:40):
Did she know?
Did somebody tell her when they found out she was dating and it just was eating at me and
eating at me and eating at me and it like a light bulb went off and I can tell her, not
Hope Hicks, but I can tell the world that there are men among us who are bad and it's not
our fault and it's not our fault that we got into that relationship.
(17:04):
So that was the moment and I know that it is an odd circumstance to be inspired by that
but that's exactly what it was and I just felt like it was something I could do at a time
when I didn't feel like I had a lot of power.
So.
It is interesting the moments that just kind of hit us like that's the moment because
(17:29):
I've in women who have chatted with me around these relationships.
One of the things that I think they grapple with is if and when you're ready to share your
story.
Again as you said with safety in mind and all of the revictimization that can happen
(17:49):
around where to place the blame and where society often does.
So I've encouraged in the past just how she's feeling, like what she's ready for because
I think sometimes there's a pressure to speak up because they don't want it to continue
(18:10):
to happen to other women and I honor that and I think that there's like you said there's
something very powerful and not in not staying silent and the silence really helps the
abuser but just for women who may be grappling with or anyone who's in an abusive relationship
grappling with how and when to share their story do you have some insights on that part
(18:34):
of your journey.
I would say that nobody's required to share their story.
Nobody's required to open themselves up in that way.
It's like slitting a vein and bleeding out that it not everybody needs to do that not
everybody can do that not everybody wants to do that and I think that that's okay but finding
somebody I just recently started therapy three months ago.
(18:56):
I should have been in therapy years ago when all of this happened but I never had that
drive to go and as I've gotten older and become a parent I've become very aware of how important
my own mental health is to the people around me so I got into therapy and having somebody
to talk to even if it's a therapist that you're paying is something that everybody can
(19:20):
benefit from but I think that victims and survivors can especially benefit because then
you can not only learn how to work through that shame but you don't have to tell the world
you can just tell one person and that can help for your heart from that weight of the embarrassment
and the mourning and the grief because there was also there's a grieving process because
(19:43):
the person that you fell in love with who turned out to be abusive you grieve that person
that you fell in love with so it's just there's so many complicated layers to him so I would
I would encourage anybody who is either in it or freshly out of it just all you need
is to find one person to tell you don't have to tell the world but if you find one person
(20:05):
that'll help. Well let me ask you this question so you have you have a couple of daughters.
I do I have two daughters and a son. So as a mom with your experience and what you've experienced
how do you prepare your daughters for their lives into relationship what do you do what
can you say? So one of the biggest things that both my husband and I push is that love
(20:27):
shouldn't hurt and that doesn't necessarily mean physically if somebody makes you feel
bad because they say mean things that's not love. If somebody is physically violent obviously
that's not love either and we talk a lot about consent nothing should happen that you don't
want to happen. So we that's kind of the foundation so my oldest is only nine years old so
(20:51):
she's still a ways away from dating but that's the foundation that we want them to enter into
all of their relationships with even friendships because nobody should hurt you that cares about
you. So we want to just teach them that that's first and foremost and nobody deserves to be
hurt. So your parents loved you but they never gave you that wisdom about it. I don't know I'm very
(21:13):
cautious about putting the blame on my on my upbringing because I don't think that that played a role.
I think having a strong relationship with my parents and having parents who love me unconditionally
is what allowed me to get out. I don't think that they did anything wrong that caused me to get into
that relationship but having them be the person the people that they are helped me to get out.
(21:39):
So one of the ways that I think about domestic violence is like a car accident. I didn't ask to be
teaboned it just happened. How you can't frame it as well I was raised wrong so I ended up in the
abusive relationship where I had daddy issues so I looked for a man who would take control. It doesn't
(21:59):
always work that way that's kind of just some of the myths that we've allowed to be perpetrated about
that we've allowed to just continue on about domestic violence because I think it's easier to believe
that than it is to believe that some people just want to hurt you. Thanks for clarifying that because
yeah there is a myth about that and understanding that people don't really understand so thank you
(22:25):
for that. And I would also add I am loaded with self confidence probably a little more than I deserve
and it happens to anybody like it really can happen to anybody it's not it's not like somebody's
looking for an easy target usually it's just they're bad people. We love to ask our guests and
(22:47):
I'm very like just interested to see what resonates for you but we like to ask what does feminine
mean to you? Feminine means I would say nurturing and soft when I think of feminine I think of clothing
(23:07):
like I think of dainty clothes that are very soft and pretty to look at. So a very traditional
view of what that word and how it looks. I suppose I think that there's also a when you talk about
things being feminine it's also very um demure and it's very um subjugated and it's a concept where
(23:35):
like you be quiet and you are reserved and so I don't think that when I think about feminine I
think of it and more as a feeling instead of a action. Are you feminine person? Would you say? I would not say
that I would say I have a I'm a bit of a bull in a childish job. We love asking that question because
(23:58):
we get so many variants of answers it's very interesting we're always very interested in how women
themselves hear and translate that word. Yeah and I imagine that you get probably a different answer
every time we do. Yeah part of the kind of foundations of the show is to understand what it means to
(24:22):
women like whether that's just um what it's been traditionally or if they've remolded it to be
something that's more true to who they are or if elements of it has shackled you to be a certain
way or maybe you just completely broke free of those shackles and rejected the word all of
(24:43):
all of those things we find very interesting on how to not see it see it one way and so that's why we
appreciate your thoughts on it. It's a good question I like that. It's a question we find that
women live under but never ask themselves. That makes sense. Right? You just assume this is what I am
because gender tells me that's what I'm supposed to be or I reject it and I know what it is but I'm not
(25:09):
that. Right? So they're all these variants. So for people who don't know learn well bank, what's
the best way to get to know your work? You can google me and there's a lot of really fun stuff and
a lot of really embarrassing stuff that will pop up. I have been working on a memoir about
(25:31):
my life as a victim of domestic violence and I have written several personal essays about it so
there's it depends on what you're looking to learn about me because you can find that or you can
find stories about my traumatic childbirth and all of that but there's I'm doing my best to take
(25:53):
some of the things that have happened to me and to tell those stories so that other people who are
going through this don't feel alone because unfortunately so many of us keep these hard things to ourselves
because of shame embarrassment or because we've been taught not to talk about that stuff.
And I know that that is not all that you do and all that you are so what are the things do you
(26:17):
present out into the world that people can look for? If you do google me you will notice that I write a
lot of how to's and exhalations on how to do stuff. Yeah that's what I'm talking about is like there's
stuff that you offer that's universal to anyone so. Yes there's a lot out there just google me.
Lauren we this is always a difficult topic to talk about because we're getting beneath the skin
(26:50):
down to some dark spaces where people have been in their lives but as you say and you've said in
your writing that it's important to talk about these things because you're not alone in whatever it
is you're going through you may feel like it however there's someone else who's gone through what
(27:10):
you've gone through and have come out the other side you're one of those people who has come out the
other side and it's important that people like you share where you've been so we can't thank you
enough for having that courage and taking a path that few people will take to share where they've
(27:32):
been as far as their hurt is concerned so we cannot thank you enough for taking time to expose
that part of yourself because of what it can do for others we appreciate that. Well and thank you
for giving me a platform to do it because hopefully if only one person hears this who needed to hear it
I hope that they get a chance to listen to my story and know that they're not alone. Amen.
(27:53):
Yeah it was so wonderful to meet you and thank you again for your insights I'll be checking you out
for the how-to's and everything else so I really appreciate your time today. Thank you. And we're
going to put this on on YouTube because you people need to see your smile like your smile just lights
up the world it's like amazing. Thank you I actually do hear that a lot thank you. So you've got to
(28:18):
Check that out, you've got to see Lauren smile, it's just beautiful, so thank you so much.
Thank you. And you have been listening to the Virgin the beauty and the fish you got to find us
and like us and then you want to share us and then you want to come on back with all your friends.
To become a partner in the VBB community we invite you to find us at virginbeautybitch.com
(28:43):
like us on Facebook Instagram and LinkedIn and share us with people who are defiantly different
like you. Until next time thanks for listening.
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