July 11, 2022 • 54 mins
Dean and Jared are hanging out with Raven Gates from Nick Viall’s season and Bachelor in Paradise! She has an update on her love story with Adam Gottschalk and she shares the details from the emotional delivery that gave her a healthy baby.
We discuss Katie Thurston’s current relationship status and the power of taking a moment to “date yourself”.
Plus, Dean and Jared share their biggest personal growths from the last few years and their answers might surprise you!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
How I Suck at Dating with de Nungler and Jared
Haven and I heard radio podcast. Hey, welcome to an
all new episode of help by Suck at Dating. I'm
Jared Haven and yes, once again, we need to rename
this podcast to help I Suck at podcasting because you
guessed it. Dean is going to be a few minutes late,
(00:22):
but he will be on the podcast shortly and until then,
we have a very special guest who is joining us.
I forget where you are in the world, Raven, but
it is Raven Man. I hope I don't screw up
Adams and your last name that badly. Raven gots chalk.
That's pretty good. Yeah, what's pretty good? How do you
actually say? Um, it's like you stick your finger in
(00:44):
a socket and you got shocked. Oh got shocked? Way
to explain it? Yeah, but any anyway works. So that's fine.
So did you officially legally change your last name? I did,
and oh my gosh, they asked Adam and I to
go to Paradise to like host today. I'm sure they
(01:05):
asked you and Ashley whatever. But I couldn't go because
I'm getting my last name changed on my passport. So
I don't have a passport and she shut up. Yeah,
so we didn't get to go because of that. And
then obviously last year we didn't go because we're pregnant,
like you guys. So yeah, well, I'm sorry that you
missed down on Paradise, but the good thing is they'll
definitely invite you back next year. Yeah, And you know,
(01:27):
I'm like, when did when did? When do we get
to the point where we're like, well, like make it
a rare view moment for us, or we don't go back.
But I don't know. It's always fun to go, you know,
it's the best to go anytime they call and ask
Ashley and I were like, are you sure, because we'll
be on that plane like we're coming. We did Ashley
(01:48):
change her name or no, she hasn't changed it legally yet.
Such a process, No, I get it. It's a process
like this has been a year in the making, over
a year in the making for me, and I still
don't have a passport, so jesus. Yeah, so she tells
everybody that she's just Ashley. I can Eddie Haven, but
she hasn't legally changed it, And honestly, I don't care,
you know, Dawson has. It doesn't matter. I mean, it's
(02:11):
really up to her. Because the thing is the I
can Eddie name is done zo if if she changes,
because it doesn't, you know, they're not going to carry
it on because there's two brothers, her dad and her
uncle that I have the last name I can Eddie,
and her uncle never had kids and her dad had
two girls. Wow, what a burden she has to carry.
(02:36):
So I love the last name I can Eddie. I
don't want it to die off. It's it's such a
great one. I think it's better than Haven. So oh well,
I much appreciated. So I didn't care like I mean
I was. I just wanted Dawson to have my last name.
But we could have incorporated I can Eddie as well,
but she didn't want to do that. She liked the
name that we had picked out. So anyway, Raven, how
(02:57):
are you where? Where do you guys live? In a
right Dallas? We're in Austin Dallas and all kind of
like runs together a big city in Texas. You know
whatever is who's from Dallas? Adam No, Adams actually from
l a and Um. When we met. When he went
on the show, he had already been living here for
a few years, so I think this is Adam's tenth
(03:19):
anniversary of living in Texas. So I just followed him here.
You guys aren't Cowboys fans, are you? No? No, I
mean we're just like I will go to a Cowboys game,
I have Cowboy gear, I will I will participate, but
we're not die hard over here. All right, that's good.
That's all I care about. Uh So, Raven H. First
(03:39):
of all, how are you? How's mom life, how's married life?
How's everything? It's good. I know you guys are like
probably right along the same boat because that message Ashley
every once in a while, like, oh, like they're looting,
their hair is changing color. At the same time, we're like,
you know, they're only two weeks apart. We're going through
it together. So it's been cool to kind of have
Ashley there too. But it's been really good. It's all
(04:02):
a balancing act. And I feel like if we would
our wedding got postponed like three times during COVID, so
had we gotten married earlier, we would have had children earlier.
So I feel like this is perfect for us. Like
we got married, got pregnant, and did it all in
one year. You know, we had our one year anniversary
brought when we were like celebrating our one year being
(04:24):
you know, finding out we had the baby. So it's perfect.
It's been so good. It's like exactly what we both wanted.
So that's made it really fun. You know, it's been
really nice that you went through this with ash because
you know, I've only met I think I've only met
you and Adam once, but I feel such a kinship
with you guys because Ashley talks about you all the
(04:46):
time and how you guys message back and forth and
how you were going through similar you know times during
your pregnancy, um, and so it's it's been really nice
because you know, I actually she moved to Rhode Island
for me. She's a little bit of a fish out
of water. She's very close to my family. But uh,
it was really nice to have someone um that she
(05:07):
felt you know, close with while going through the pregnancy.
So I appreciate you being you know, yeah, and she
was friends with my wife. Oh, I feel the same
with her. To like bonding with her over that was
just so nice because when you're it's also just so
weird when you get pregnant, because you think all of
your other friends that have gone during it through it
are going to really rod with you during the time,
(05:30):
and they're not because they're busy with their own life
and their own children and really have to hold on
to people that are like in the same exact stage
as you. And actually and I were so neck and neck.
I'm pretty sure she was the first person I told
my birth story too, because I was laying in the
hospital bed and she messaged me, and I was just
(05:52):
got out of the C section, recovering, and I was
like voice messaging Ashley, telling her all about it because
I kept telling her she had such a kind of
hard time during her pregnancy, She's going to have the
most beautiful delivery, and I had the most beautiful pregnancy
and then had the hardest deliveries. Were like comparing notes
on a lot of things. But yeah, you guys were
(06:12):
pretty much opposite because her pregnancy was tough, and then
you had an easier pregnancy. I don't know if there's
any such thing as an easy pregnancy. You had an
easier time than Nashley. But then the delivery for ash
was so fast, so quick, everything went smooth, and then
your delivery story, which Raven you are, wonder Woman, Superman,
(06:37):
and Batman. It's not sweet, it's the truth all wrapped
into one. If anybody hasn't heard about your birth story,
if you feel so inclined and comfortable enough, I would
love for you to share it here because it is.
When Ashley was telling me, it was I, I I
don't I don't know what I would have done. I
(06:57):
don't know what I would have done. Yeah, I prey friends.
When I was telling actually a prefer preference, like, this
is not going to happen to you, okay, Like I
was like kind of scared to even tell her because
I knew it was coming up for her and I
didn't want my experience to make her feel scared. And
I was like, just promise me, you're not to take this,
(07:20):
and I think it's gonna happen to you, you know
before I told her. But um, Yeah, to make a
long story sure, I basically um was in the process
of giving birth. I had two uber durls in a
spin all block and felt everything. I don't know how
that's possible, but it didn't take um And then so
(07:42):
it just like, did you start feeling numb? At all
and then it went away or just they put the
uber durl in. Okay, so you did feel a little
numb this and then it went away, yes, And they
think it's because he was laying in such a weird
position in my body that somehow it was not getting
to the lower part of my body. So um, that
was bizarre. And then as I was pushing, this is
(08:05):
kind of graphics and just like, oh, that's all right,
we'll four stories, you know, like it's life. And so
I was pushing him and his head was it was out,
and my mom and Adam were like, oh my gosh,
she has brown hair, and they're like, okay, three more
pushes that he's out. And I kept pushing, and like
(08:27):
an hour went by and in two hours, and I
finally said, is am I not pushing him right? And
at one point I was screaming from the pain so
bad that I'm sure I scared everybody on that side
of the hospital because it was just excruciating, if anybody knows.
And finally the doctor comes in and she says, you're
(08:51):
running a hundred grief fever and it's going up, and
she said the baby has a lot of meconium, which
means he's used the bathroom in the womb, which is
very dangerous and it's a lot. So he's going to
go straight to the nick you and we're gonna have
to do an emergency C section. And she said, but
(09:12):
right now, and mind you feel I'm feeling all of O.
She's like, so right now, you have pushed him so far,
he's not coming out. He's stuck for some reason. We
don't know why. So I'm gonna have to take his
head and push it really far up in you so
that I can't properly cut the baby out because he's
(09:34):
too low. I will cut him if I don't push
him back. So at this point, I'm just like worried
about the baby. You kind of like going another place
in your head about like just I'm wanting to baby safe.
I heard her saying nick you and like, I got
to get this kid out. And so while this is
(09:57):
going on and you have I know you don't know
Adam very a well, but we we all have to
get together at some point in our lives. You would
love Adam, but he's so positive. I call him the
optimistic delusionally optimistic. He and I need that because I'm
more of a pessimist. And he said, wait, wait wait,
(10:20):
she's about to push his head back into me. And
he's like, wait wait wait, so it's emergency c section,
so this gets written off on our insurance. Like this
is free. Everything's free on our insurance. And my doctor said, yeah,
he high five across my body. Did you listen up, motherfucker? No,
(10:44):
because he is so funny to me, He just I
don't know how I fund comedy in this moment, but
he's just and so longer story shorter. They will me
in the cut him out his cord, and I feel everything.
How could you I mean not to like, if you
(11:07):
don't want to talk about you don't have to bring
up trauma. But like I thought about that when Ashley's
telling me, like you could feel getting stabbed. For lack
of a better way of saying it, I mean, holy shit,
it was. It felt like someone took a box cutter,
which I guess that's what they kind of did, and
just completely and just ripped me. And like when they
(11:29):
pulled the skin apart, it was like burning. I can't
even explain it. You know how someone like can rub
your arm really hard and it starts to burn. That
kind of burn is like how it felt that kind
of burned, except one thousand, four d million times worse exactly.
And so they told me. I was like, oh my god,
(11:51):
I feel that, and they said, wait, what did you feel?
And I feel them closely back up and put pressure
on me. And I was like, oh, wasn't supposed to
fill that, you know, and that freaked me out And
why weren't you supposed to feel that? Well? I just
realized that wasn't I wasn't supposed to feel that, you
know what I mean, like, because it sounds like they
(12:12):
were like trying to close you back up and stop. Yes,
Because after I said I feel that, They're just like,
oh my gosh, like they put pressure on it, like
what are you feeling? How what did it feel like? Can?
I told them and they came to me and just
said They came right to my face and said, the
only thing we can do now is put you completely under.
(12:33):
And I was like, no, I can't. He's about to
be here. If I can just bear this just a
little longer, I can. I can see him for the
first time, you know, And so like I was in
so much pain. I was kind of going in and out,
like passed him out. Yeah, And so Adam had one
(12:56):
of the nurses take his phone and take pictures that
everything and going on, and like me opened up and everything,
we have pictures of all that. And I was just
getting these glimpses of Adam, like I would like pass
out in so much pain and wake back up and
Adam would be like, he's here. And it was kind
of scary because this diace was so like, yeah, it's
(13:19):
such a big smile on. I was like, he's kind
of scary again. Yeah, it's kind of delusional, but yeah,
that's his quarters wrapped around his neck three times and
that was the issue where I couldn't come out. But
he's healthy. He didn't have to puy the nick you
and so yeah, I mean, how were you, Like, were
they ever worried? I mean, obviously they were worried about you,
(13:39):
but with your safety. Was there ever a point where
I was like, Okay, this is getting not only just
dangerous for Gates, but for you. Yeah. I think they
were very worried that I had the fever because him
having all that maconium in the roomb is what could
make him really sick. And they were sick and that
(14:00):
was kind of starting to happen, but we everything was fine.
Thank God, thank God, Yeah, thank God. I would say
that and um Jade having the baby in the closet
is the two wildest stories, not just from like bachelor babies,
but just like babies in general. It's wild stories I've
ever heard of my entire life. Yes, absolutely, blessed sas heart. Well,
(14:24):
bless both of your hearts. You guys are incredible. And
just when Gates gets older, and if he ever gives
you grief for anything, you just look at him and
you say, one day, huh, I h the pictures? Oh yeah,
and you just say, listen, kids, do you understand what
I went through to bring you into this world? I
(14:46):
don't think because I think about like my mom, you know,
and of course, yeah, we all did it right, We
all just like give grief to our parents. Were teenagers.
We don't care, We don't know the scope of things.
But like now that I'm older and I've learned, like,
oh yeah, I was ten pounds and my mom push
me out with no upper dural. I know. When Ashley
told me that, I was like, whoa, I for your sake,
(15:06):
I hope the baby does not take after Jared. It's like, no,
he's big now, but he he was only born eight pounds,
so he wasn't that bad. But no epidural ten pounds
pushed out of my mom vaginal. I was like, Mom,
you I gotta buy you lots of dinners. I gotta
I gotta make sure that I'm paying for every dinner
moving forward. Oh, I owe her big time after that
(15:37):
incredible birthing story. Thank you again for sharing because it
is just the wildest ride and like the coolest thing ever.
We have our co host here, Dean Ungler, live from
some airport lounge. Hi, Raven, I'm sorry for being late
you guys, but it sounds like I just missed a
bunch of baby talk. Huh yeah, you know, so you'll
(15:59):
be I do miss You can listen to it later
when it airs, So it's time. Um well, I apologize, Raven.
It's great to see you. Jenal Do you laugh that
over there? Just you look like you just woke up
your at the airport now, just like Dean. Just you know,
I could run through a list of excuses as to
(16:19):
why I am late, but I figured out would just
figured at this point. It doesn't really matter for you guys,
so I'm just not gonna say anything. Raven, it's so
incredible to see you. So good to see you. Dean.
You kind of took a little hiatus from social media lately,
it seems like, but you're you seem to be getting
back into it, which is good to see. Yeah, I'm trying.
I mean it's hard. I also like always have this
(16:40):
balancing act of like what am I sharing and what
is real life? So I've always had that kind of
battle in my head from the very beginning. So still
gone through that, you know, nothing new. Well, like I said,
it's good to see you back. I saw you post
with the with the family the other day, which is
always good to see. Is Adam, Are you guys really
thinking about getting a house on the golf course, because
if so, I'm coming over all the time. Yes, you
(17:02):
have to. You have to come over. And it's not
only a golf course, Steam, it is the the p
G a golf course that they are building in Frisco.
So it's it's epic. It's gonna be insane. Sounds like
they might have you on the sales committee with that pitch. Oh,
they probably already have. Adam. I don't know how has
done this. He's told me since the beginning of us
(17:24):
even seeing each other that we were going to live
on a golf course, and it has come to fruition.
He has truly manifested this whole life we have together.
It's really insane. That sounds exactly like I don't know
Adam that well. Only you know from the limited time
we spent together on the show and limit afterwards. But
he does seem like a guy that's able to manifest
his destiny pretty well. So I definitely picked a good one.
(17:44):
I really love that about him too. That's one of
the things I've learned from him. You've always learned something
from your partner, and that's what I feel like I've
learned from him, and the most like anything is achievable. Yeah,
your relationship seems like the I feel like more of
you in my own relationship. And Ashley is more like
Adam because Ashley, actually you said that you call Adam
a delusional optimist. Ashley used to say she's either delusional
(18:08):
or optimistic, like you be the judge, she's both exactly,
And then I'm more it is because I've also learned
from Ashley of like being more manifesting. Manifesting are you know,
dreams and putting things out there and working towards the
things we want instead of you know, I'm definitely more
of a pestimist and like would be terrified to fail.
(18:29):
So I would never go after things because I was like,
I don't even want to, Like, I don't want to
test those warders. I'd rather just do something that I'm
comfortable with and something I know that I'll be good at,
rather than go after something I want and possibly really
suck at it. But Ashley has taught me the opposite.
I'm with you. I forgot that you guys were on
the same season of Paradise. Who's I mean, oh being Raven? Yeah,
(18:49):
yeah there too, Yeah all of us three. That's well,
Adam and I were on the same season before that.
But yeah, Raven and I first sand, you know, just
I just didn't meet her standards, so we never had
any romantic connection. And then and then Adams spilled on
in and and sweep throughout her feet. So the rest
is history. Obviously. I think I was like so happy.
(19:13):
I was like insidua, weird love triangle with people that
I was like so happy someone knew was coming down
and you know, just worked out. I don't remember the
story and somebody to look back on it now too.
It's like especially for you, what, I'm sure, yeah, and
I mean it is for all of us, right and
now that when you watch it back, it's kind of
(19:33):
strange to think, like, that's how all three of our
relationships happened. And I was thinking about this this morning
before the podcast started. We all met our significant other
on the beach, but we none of us proposed, and
we're still in a relationship with them. Like how crazy
is that? It's like unconventional bachelor in Paradise, right, we
(19:53):
broke we broke the old basically, Yeah, we're rule breakers,
we're rebels. Were are nice rebels, baby, but even it's
been it's been five years for you guys now basically
right mm hmm, yeah, yeah, which is insane. And Jared
and Jared, you've been with Ashley for how four years?
We got together two eighteens so yeah, four years so
(20:17):
and then Caylin a three years. So are the babies
of the group. I guess, yeah, I consider you and
actually like we're high up there, but I guess you're
not officially together until like four years ago. Yeah, because
we met in jails fifteen, but then kind of we're
off and on again and then just strictly friends and
then got together. Yeah, but that's crazy, Dean and Kaylyn,
you guys have been together for three freaking years. Holy crap,
(20:40):
time flies by. I feel like I feel like the
gap between three and five isn't as it doesn't feel
like it's as much as the gap between one and three,
and for obvious reasons, you know, But I remember, I
think I remember when I saw Ravens celebration post for
a year and Adams three or four year, and I
was like, wow, it's been that long. It seems like forever.
And now, you know, Calin and I have been together
three years, and I'm like, yeah, it's not that long,
you know what I mean exactly? Yeah, it feels like
(21:02):
you've known each other for a way longer. But then
it also is like, oh, that's just not that long
of time to be together. Yeah exactly, But um, yeah,
I don't. I don't know. That's interesting. So what have
you been up to since we last saw you gave birth? Obviously?
Are you guys having any conversations around the second one
by any chance. Yeah, we are. We are hoping to
(21:26):
start again in January. That's when we're gonna. Yeah, so
we're ready. That's exciting. We're a family. I'm ready to
be like the live laugh love mom and I just
like I'm embracing that whole side of my life. Now.
What is a live laugh love mom. Yeah, good for
you to go through the delivery that you went and
still be like, yeah, no, I'm ready for a second one. Yeah,
(21:48):
I'm sure. Actually you can say to like you kind
of forget. Like two weeks after the baby, Adam was like,
the are we going to have another one? And I'm like,
I do not speak to me about another one. And
then after or two months it was like, oh yeah,
I think I could do it again. It wasn't that bad.
You know, I don't think Ashley's venus gonna put a
(22:09):
cap on it, or is it just kind of like
whatever you're feeling. I think it's I think we want
to try for three, but I don't know. Gates is
like such a good baby that I'm sure we'll have
a helly in in the mix of children, So you know,
like maybe we have another good baby. We'll trap for three.
If not, maybe we'll stop. I don't know. Also, I
(22:31):
love the name Gates, by the way, thank you. Yeah,
Adam actually named him. I didn't name him Adam. Adam
had two names, one for a girl, one for a
boy that he was just dead set on, and they
were both gene names, and I was like, you know what,
that's a strong name, Gates got Shoka. Like I liked it,
so we stuck with it. But I was like, everyone's
gonna think I named him. I didn't name him. It
(22:52):
was Adam, right, because your name yeah? Yeah, so okay, wait,
So adn't have Gates picked out before he you know,
he was just like wanted another g name, and he
thought it was really strong. And he played football in
Arizona with a guy named Gates, and he's like, I
(23:12):
think that's kind of Cool's very nice name. It's way
better than Gottschalk as a first name. That's yeah exactly.
Adam said it took him a long time to learn
how to spell his last name. We didn't want to
make it too hard on the baby. Is that funny? Though? Like,
there are certain last names that can definitely work. His
first names and I would say, like, ha, Ben, maybe
(23:33):
not so much. Got chocked definitely not Ungler, definitely not.
I don't know, you gotta luck that case. Yeah, isn't
your didn't you hyphen it your last name before? Wasn't it?
Or is this your middle name? Nicole? My middle legally
it's now Raven Nicole got shock, But um, I really
thought about half and half in it, hyphenating it, hyphenating it,
(23:57):
and but I didn't. It is what it is. I
don't know. I'm like, why did I even change my
name at this point? But Nicole is your middle name? Yeah? Okay?
Got you? Got you? Because I see that on your
I think it was Instagram, right, And I'm like, is
it Nicole Gates? Like it's a hyphenated last name, but
now that's the middle name. Okay, But you're right. I mean,
I'm sure Jared can speak to it a little bit
more like what's the point these days? It doesn't really
(24:19):
seem like it doesn't have the same effect as it
used to, Right, there's no point at all when we
decided I actually changed my name. I'm not even done
changing it legally, but I actually decided to change it
after we had we decided on the name Gate Scotch
Shok because I thought that was like too confusing and
weird if everything on my boarding passed, even like now,
(24:41):
since I haven't legally got it completed, it's like, okay,
Raven Gates Adam scot Shock and then the Baby's Gate
Scotch Shok, and like we've had people hold us up
in the airport and travel and we're just like, Okay,
I'm changing my name, no confusion, and people'll move forward.
So like the flying and traveling, how a lot to
do with me changing my last name. Yeah, you gotta
(25:03):
do what you gotta do. I mean Jared is I
still want Jared to change his last name I can Eddie.
I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon, though, unfortunately not.
I mean, listen, i'd be open to. Actually, before you
came on, Raven, I were talking about last names and
how I feel bad because the I Can Eddie name
is I think a better last name than Haven, and
it's gonna die because there's two men who are carrying
on the I Can Eddie name right now. One is
(25:23):
Ashley's dad who had two girls, and the other one
is Ashley's uncle who has no children, right, so very sad,
very sad. Indeed, so maybe like because well Raven, do
you Raven? You have brothers? Right? Yes? I have an
older brother yet. Yeah, so Gates was gonna like hopefully
live on no matter what. And then but you obviously
(25:44):
named your kid Gates. But I think I can Eddie
Haypen might be a little difficult if we have a
second one. I don't know I can Eddie as a
first name. I mean, that's pretty cool though, I like it.
It is cool. I can Eddie Haven. You can make
it like I A. I see, I don't know Iak
you want me to name my second kid iak or Nettie.
(26:07):
Oh Nettie, dude, I thought you Nettie and I was like,
huh no, not Nuttie. Um, well, Jared, what do you
want to talk about this week? I know I missed
probably the first half of the episode, But is there
anything um pressing that you've got on your mind for
us that you want to share? We do have a
couple of emails that I obviously want to get to.
And then we have a story here about former Bachelor
(26:28):
at Katie Thurston, who talks about dating herself after she
split from John Hersey. Uh I thought that said Hershey
would be pretty awesome because, as we know, so Katie.
When show, Katie picked Blake, who was from Tatious season
Tastious slash Claire season. Sorry, I talked to my hands
(26:48):
a lot. Obviously anybody who's listening doesn't know that, but
Raven and Dean can see me just like moving my fingers.
So anyway, Katie Thurston left with Blake. Blake was on
his second season in The Bachelor. They broke up and
she started Dane John, who left like halfway through her season.
Now they're broken up, and she tells People Magazine that
she's now dating herself, taking some solo time. And it's
(27:12):
only been it's only been a week since she announced
she broke up with John. Why does that feel like
three years ago? Jesus. Anyway, she shared a glimpse with
People Magazine about how she's embracing the single life, which
I gotta be honest, sounds terrible. Uh she Oh my god,
could you guys imagine being a single right now? No, No,
it's scary, can you imagine? I mean it would suck,
(27:37):
but it's just so funny. How far removed that is
from your lifestyle now, you know, I think about like
the well because at the coffee shop there's a lot
of your I kids and they're all single, and I
see them flirting with customers or flirting with each other,
and like, dude, I am I'm such the old man. Now.
(27:58):
There is this generation sational gap, you know, like they're
all like twenty one, twenty two, so I guess I'm
ten years older. So that's a pretty big gap. But dude,
it's just like I am, I'm the old man to them.
It's so it it's kind of sucks. I'm not gonna
lie because like I just feel old. I make references.
(28:20):
They don't get I sing songs they never heard of. Dude.
Like even like I'll be singing Matchlocks twenty and I'm like, oh,
do you know Rob Thomas And They're like, who oh
God Jesus Christ. There are times where you like, Okay,
Then I went to dinner last night at a restaurant
near our house. Let me walk through a group of
it was probably high school kids. They were like skateboarding
and like, you know, like just hanging out. There was
(28:41):
like eight pm, and so they're just like hanging out
pastrife or whatever, and I was I was like, it
was like nervous They're gonna like make fun of us
or something as we walked by. I don't know, I
don't know. I don't know why I feel like kids nowadays,
you know, they're just they're ferocious and they're vicious. But
I agree, man, you like over hear some conversations and
you're like, what do these people even talking about? Or
you see them post things on the Instagram or TikTok
(29:03):
and you're like, man, I'm so far removed from this
like lifestyle that it's not like I've It's not that
I feel bad about it, but it's like you definitely
be a little out of touch when it comes to
that stuff. Anyway. So Katie goes on to say, I
(29:25):
love being able to share special moments with you, all
the funny ones talking about her Instagram followers, the happy ones,
the outrageous, embarrassing and heartfelt ones. But I don't know
if we will ever get easier to share the sad ones.
I appreciate every one of you that has supported us
throughout this journey. We could not and would not be
here without you. Obviously, that was in regards to her
(29:46):
breakup with John. They both attended that San Diego County
Fair last week with a group of friends. He's also
defended Katie from haters online who jabbed her Um about
unable to keep a partner. He went on to say,
I've never been so supported or unconditionally loved by a partner.
Assuming and implying that Katie is doing anything wrong does
(30:09):
not sit right with me. So they're obviously still on
good terms. They just didn't work out. Uh, dating yourself.
I mean, she's twenty eight, dude, She's got so much time.
She should just enjoy herself, have fun and then settled
down that you know Katie, Jared, I've never no, I've
never met Katie. I always did you ever sit like
(30:31):
just You're always like, no, I've never met, and then
you're like, oh shit, we have met. Yeah, and you
feel like an asshole. Oh. It's the worst when people
come up and I'm like, hey, I'm Jared. Nice to
me and they're like, oh, we've met. I'm like, oh,
I can see you again, dude. At your wedding, Jared Um,
everything was happening so fast and we were in a rush,
and I was like being pulled a certain way. And Paul,
(30:53):
who I met Paul like a million times. He's like
your agent or whatever. Yeah, he's like he's like Dean
and I was like, oh, hey, nice to meet you,
am Dina. I met this guy like ten times. He
goes Deean, it's Paul, and I was like, oh my god,
I'm so embarrassed, Like I feel so guilty about it
right now. So I definitely, I definitely agree with you.
I've actually i've never met them either. Um. I've talked
to John a little bit via Instagram because he's got
(31:14):
a van that he's working on and we've got some
like loose plans to meet up at some point. But
John seems like a good guy. I've always been uh
team Blake as well. Blake seems like a good guy.
We talked a little bit on Instagram as well, because
he likes to travel and stuff and we, uh, you know,
have that in common. I guess. So I never talked
to Katie on Instagram, but I've talked to both of
her exes and they both seem like good guys. So
(31:35):
I hope the best for all three of them. I
guess I've talked to Katie a few times on Instagram,
like we we kind of became Instagram buddies a little bit,
like when her season first started. But I haven't spoken
to her in a while, but I hope the best
for her, and I think it's really smart she needs
to date herself. I feel like everyone needs that time time,
(31:58):
especially like when you are what seems to be in
and out of two relationships that are so public, Like
just do you just do what you want to do,
enjoy yourself, go travel, like you can be with someone
at any point in your life, Like there's a point
where you just need to be selfish and do everything
(32:19):
in anything you want to do. I think she's she
needs to be in her selfish phase. And I say
that in a good way. Yeah. Absolutely. How does that happen?
How do you guys get in touch while her season
is aaring? Do you reach out or just do you
respond to like a story or something like that. Yeah,
I think she responded to one of my stories actually,
and so then we went back and forth. I think
(32:40):
that's how that happened. Yeah. Nice. Nice? Do you think
I want to get into emails too? But I have
a question for both of you. Do you guys think
you could date yourself while also dating someone else. Yeah,
because I feel like, like I think about what you
just said, Raven, and there's times that you need to
be selfish. And I agree, and I think that there's
times where need to be selfish within a relationship. And Dean,
(33:02):
you talked about that last week with Kalen and how
sometimes you guys need to kind of like do your
own thing to feel independent enough so you can give
one self to your you know, mine is mine is
on a much more miniscale, like miniature level of that.
But like I find sometimes where I feel selfish because
there are times where I want to do things that
(33:22):
don't incorporate actually not because I don't want Ashley to
be there, but because I like I want to go
play pick up basketball, or I want to like go
to the gym by myself, or I want to, like
I don't know, go anywhere, just like to have a
minute to myself. But I feel selfish, especially not having
a kid and with Ashley and with the business. So
(33:43):
like I remember I talked about the podcast a while ago,
but how I came home one day and I was
exhausted and tired, and I was like I just want
to like go golfing, or I just want to, like,
you know, hang out with my buddies for a minute.
And she's like, you don't want to go on a
date with me, And it's like, no, of course I
want to do that as well, but just like I
just you know, it's different, I kind of need to
just like be myself for a couple of hours, and
(34:04):
so it is selfish, but I think also necessary, And
in my head when I was reading this article, I
was thinking about how I both Ashley and myself need
to kind of like still date ourselves, not as much obviously,
but to a certain level while also being in a
committed relationships. That makes sense, it makes I think. I
think it definitely changes a lot, and you guys can
(34:25):
probably check me on this if I'm wrong, but it
changes a lot when you have a kid like me
and Kaylin, doing something selfish for ourselves like leaving the
country for a month by ourself is a lot more
achievable when you don't have a kid that needs to
be taken care of, you know what I mean. Like
if Jared, Jared, if you were like, yeah, I'm going
to Pakistan for a month to go hike to him
Alayas and even if I was like, Hey, I want
(34:46):
to go to the gym this morning, I couldn't because
we have too many things to go, and like I
want to let Ashley sleep in so like I have
to stay home and make sure you watch the little
guy and feed him and make sure that she can
stay in bed, so I'll take care of him and
you know, do all that. So it's like it's everyday
sacrifices like that that I'm sure Raven can attest to,
obviously much more than myself, where it's um, you know,
(35:07):
it's hard to do things because it's like you want
to give them time and then you know when they're
I don't know, it's just like this constant cycle of guilt. Oh,
I hate that you feel that way. I get it though,
Like I feel like I was very selfish in the
beginning of mine in Adam's relationship, like I was still
dating myself and awesome because I didn't know him. I
(35:30):
didn't know him well enough to like I think at
one point I even told Dane. I was like, we're
probably somewhere in a club or something. Dan and I
were talking. I was like, I just don't know him
well enough yet, and I don't know what to think.
I don't know where it's going. And then and I
was still not that I was like seeing anybody else
because I was exclusive to him, But I was still
(35:53):
doing what I wanted to do, going place and I
want to go. I went to Fiji, I went to
like all these other places when we were dating. And
then when we got serious, I think we did. I mean,
I've talked about this on even Ashley's podcasts, that Adam
and I are so different in every single way that
I think we appreciated each other being so different, and
(36:14):
it's almost like we have I don't want to say
we have two different lives, but like Adam has his
life and I have my life, and then when we're
at home together, it's ours that we like created and
built off of so many foundational things that we've worked
really hard to build, like going to counseling and like
(36:35):
laying everything out on the table and doing things the
way we want to do it and for our best
interest in our family and what we wanted. And so
I'm actually, like Adam told me yesterday, he said, do
you care if I go golf tomorrow? And he never
asked me to go golf. He just says, hey, I'm
going to golf. I'm like, okay, cool. And I was like,
(36:56):
why are you asking me? Like no, because I don't
want him to feel like he's burdened by me and
the baby in a way, and maybe that's not on insecurity,
but also I know that he's going to reciprocate that
for me, and that's just kind of our balancing act.
And like you evan flow in your relationship and you
(37:18):
throw a baby in there, you really, like I was
telling Ashley Adam and I did like pre marital counseling. Um,
we did like religious counseling because we're from two different religions,
and then we did like pre baby So it was
like we hashed out a lot of our issues and
like our roles that we're going to change with each
(37:40):
other with the baby before having the baby. So that
doesn't mean like we don't argue, and like I mean,
we definitely have our moments, but kind of some of
the other stuff we've avoided because we're kind of pre
you know, we got ahead of it. We have a
lot of professional Yeah, we have a lot of relationship coaches,
(38:01):
or professionals on here, uh that talk about couples should
go to counseling not just when they're having problems, but
kind of like think of it like a gym almost,
you know, where you you want to be able to
maintain your relationship and not just I think Adam and
I thought we were. We knew that we were so
different from each other that that was important to both
(38:23):
of us because one thing we never wanted was divorced.
And like we can't ever say never, but we both
know that's what we don't see for ourselves and we
don't want that for our family. So like, let's try
to get ahead of everything. Like we even had counseling
and sit down about finances and like our roles, they're
(38:44):
like the stuff you really don't want to talk about
that that caused the most divorces or that caused the
most friction between couples. We even did that, and it
was I felt like I was standing in a room
with a bunch of people when I was showing like
my you know, getting d been to finances stuff. I
felt like I was showing every like opening up my
(39:05):
soul to people when it comes to stuff like that.
Because it's so personal and I mean it really built
our trust though too. So, I mean it's a lot.
There's there's a lot of things we did and that
we're still doing to try to get ahead of the game.
I've got a question about the religion things. So you
said you went to counseling for that. How are you
gonna handle that when it comes to Gates. Yeah, so
(39:28):
we're trying to keep it private of what we're gonna do.
But no, it's okay, I don't care. But ultimately Gates
can do whatever he wants. Um, we're not. We will
share our traditions with him on both sides of our family.
It's very important to both sides, and we will celebrate
all of the holidays and teach him the values of both.
(39:52):
And I mean it's up to him. If he wants
to be a Christian, he can. If he wants to
be you know, follow Judy isn't he can. He can
do whatever he wants. And if he doesn't want to
do both, that's his decision. I mean, that's a great
way to look at it and very respectful of both. Um.
(40:13):
All right, Well, we do have some emails that we
want to get to before we wrap up with Raven.
Before we get to those, let's take a quick break.
All right, welcome back to help I suck at dating Dean,
myself and Raven here to answer some of your wonderful emails,
(40:38):
Uh Eastern if you're out there and if you want
to join in read them, that would be great. Um,
and there he is, Thanks to save the day. Thank
you for the invite. I always appreciate being able to
speak on this program. Let's let's read some emails. Uh.
This one's from Lisa. Hey, guys, I'm a longtime listener.
I've been here since day one. Thank you, Lisa. It
(41:00):
so cool being on this journey with both Dean and
Jared and seeing them evolve. I know how I think
Dean and Jared have grown over the years that this
podcast has existed. But I'm wondering how they think they
have evolved. How do they think they've grown? If they
told their twenty year old selves where they'd be now,
what would they think? Would they be happy hearing that? Well?
First of all, I want to reiterate thank you Lisa
(41:21):
for being in a long time listener. Yes, we appreciate it.
That's a long time. That's like four whole years right there. Um,
what do you have for us, Jared? Uh, how we've
evolved individually? Uh? Yourself? Yeah, Um, how I've grown? Well.
I definitely think that if I told my twenty year
old self that I would be married to a beautiful woman,
(41:44):
to have a beautiful kid, living in Rhode Island, um,
owning a business, I think I'd be very proud of myself.
So I definitely would be happy to talk to my
younger self and tell him where he is now. Um,
how I've grown? I think I've just become more comfortable.
I mean, it's such a cliche to say, but I've
(42:05):
definitely have grown more comfortable in my own skin. Uh,
more confident in the person than I am. Definitely more insecure,
but confident at the same time, if that makes sense. Uh,
I think like insecure in my vain way where you know,
I I can't work out as much anymore, I'm not
(42:25):
playing as many sports, and that definitely like leads to
a certain lack of confidence in that department, but also,
weirdly enough, more confident in my own skin to say
what I'm thinking or do what I want to do, um,
you know, and to to let people know that I'm imperfect.
(42:46):
I think there was a long time, specially like right
around when I was first of the show, that I
didn't want to let people know that maybe I had
no idea what the hell I was talking about. But
now I don't care. Everybody can know I don't know
what the hell I'm talking about. So that's that's in
a nice development over the past years. That's some growth
right there for sure. Um to go in the same
order as you, what would twenty year old me think? Well,
(43:08):
I thought I was going to die when I was
like thirty, So I'm just I think ten year old
me would be impressed that I'm still alive, honest. So
you're in, Yeah, you're an ot You're an overtime. I'm
an overtime. I legitimately thought when I was like a
late teen, early twenty year old that I wouldn't live
to see the day, wouldn't live to see thirty years old.
So yeah, I'm already. Uh, I've already done pretty well
(43:28):
in that regard, I guess. Um. And then besides growing
like uh, growing the number of scale, I would say, yeah,
I would say being in a three year relationship has
definitely helped me, um put things in perspective. You know,
I'm not never been a long term relationship kind of guy,
so I think oldly would be impressed by that too.
(43:51):
So I definitely still have a lot more to go. Obviously,
I put my foot in my mouth all the time
on this podcast. But maybe one of these days I
will stop and I'll have a cheap growth. But I
want to know, Raven, Raven, if you go back in
time and talk to your tween year old self and
tell them exactly what you've achieved, what do you think
they would think? Um, I think I would be super
(44:13):
proud of like my family dynamic. I also think I
would just be kind of shocked because before the show,
I was very very private, and I just think I
would just kind of be really shocked. And I still
have a long way to go to kind of like
navigate that. In like one day, I hope I can
like delete everything and go incognito again everywhere I am.
(44:33):
But um, not that anybody cares what I'm doing. I'm
just for my own personal self not to care. Um,
But yeah, I think I'd be really proud of myself
and I would just be really shocked. I mean I
was a town of two thousand and now I'm living
in Dallas and I'm married at l a city slickers
(44:56):
what I like to call him. I mean, I think
I would just be really shocked of my choices. That
is true. When you could say it like that, it's
funny to think about. Yeah, from small town in Arkansas,
so now married to a city slicker, like you said,
living in Texas, living in another dimension? Really yeah, but hey,
you're you're thriving in another dimension. I think it's a
(45:17):
better way to say it. Yeahs, what about you? I
want I want to know your answer to that question.
Do you mind? Uh? Yeah, I guess. So. You know,
I've I've done a lot of growing and changing since
we started this podcast, and you know, it's been a
lot of fun and uh, I've become a more responsible person.
And I've made so much money. I've got just been
(45:39):
rich from working on this podcast. So it's just just
insurmountable wealth has come my way. I'm so grateful to
you guys for providing that. You know, they say money
can't buy happiness, but oh boy care so yeah, look
at me. So you got your nice green room. That's right.
I could have afford paint from my office. It's just
(46:01):
been fantastic. I have a fake plant back there. Those
things aren't cheap. Uh yeah, so it's just been great.
Thanks for taking me along for the ride. Boys. Uh
is that is that a Is that sconce hard wired
into the house or is that just a decorative sconce
for those of you at home. I have sconce that
is hard wired into the house. I did it. I
did that sconce myself. I did not hire it out, yes,
(46:24):
because it's important to yourself. I didn't electricute myself. You
know what I did. I turned off the entire power
to the entire house because I was afraid of it
in the wrong breaker. And I know that's a move
that the little babies do, but that's what I do.
I turn off the whole house. Um. But but this
isn't a home improvement show. It's a dating show. We
have another email if you guys want to get to it.
(46:44):
It's from anonymous, so we know what that means. Nick
vail Um, I have been every time n every time
we get an anonymous email, or we always say it's
Nick Faile because it's just as funny to us. Yeah,
he just doesn't want to admit he listens to the podcast.
I believe that too. He has a lot of dating issues.
I feel bad for him, But at any rate, I've
(47:08):
been dating my boyfriend for about eight months now. He's
my dream guy. When it's just us too, he's selfless,
gives me compliments, he's attentive. However, I see a shift
in him when it's when we're around our friends. I
wish that he acted like it was just us too
all the time. I can't help but think is he
embarrassed me? Or is he trying to act cool in
front of his friends. Either way, is this a bad
sign for reference? I'm twenty two and he's twenty four.
(47:32):
You know, this email reminds me of the classic song
by Destiny's Child, Say my Name, You know, saying my
name is say my Name? You acting kind of shady
and calling me baby's unchanged? You know what I'm saying.
Uh So, my first advice would go listen to that
song see how that results. And then secondly, and more importantly, um, yeah,
(47:56):
that's weird. I mean, why do you? I guess you know.
Obviously it's hard to answer these with out a lot
of context, But if he's acting weird, uh in front
of his friends, and he's acting differently than he does
when it's just the two of you. I would definitely
address it and ask, hey, listen, I feel like you're
a little different when you're in your front of your
friends and you were not as lovey dovey, or you
(48:20):
don't really admit that we're together. Yeah, of course talk
to him about that. Don't be afraid. You've ever right
to ask that. I'm gonna go the opposite of you
on this. I'm gonna say. I'm going to say that
there's a time and a place. So just like at home,
I would say if it's just me and Adam, like
there are things that people would never see if we
(48:42):
are in public. I just think there's a time of
place And maybe that's the circumstance here that maybe when
you're home and it's YouTube like he's lovy and cuddling
and attentive, but when you're out with a group of friends,
like he doesn't have to have his arm around you
all not to know that he loves you, he cares
for you. But like you said, I don't know the circumstances,
but I do know there's a time of a place
(49:04):
for that and maybe he's just you know, enjoying for
tom of friends. Maybe it's nothing. Women tend to overthink
and it may not be anything, but I don't know.
Maybe listen to say my name if that resonates with you. Yeah,
it's helped a lot of people in the past. I think.
I think that's all really good advice. Um. I I
(49:28):
instinctively want to start with Jared on this one, though,
I do think and I'm only really drawing from personal experience,
and whenever I've been like, uh, like shy with a
girl I'm dating around friends, it's usually because I like
didn't like the girl very much and I was trying
to like sess it out, but also to like maybe
he's nervous or I don't know, like like Raven saying,
(49:48):
maybe there's stuff that they want to keep private, um
outside of the house. So I see both sides of it.
But I'm just saying from my personal experience, it was
never a good thing when I was acting this way
in public with my friends with the girl I was
dating around. So were you love Evie when you were
just YouTube? Was it you? I would say, So that
(50:09):
makes sense to some degree. You know, as lovely w
as I can be. I'm not the most lovely devee person, uh,
just in general. But there was like a distinct difference
that I wouldn't that I would notice. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and uh that was actually funny enough. That was always
like a telltale sign for me. I'm like, oh, maybe
I'm just not really into this, because if I was
more into it, I would be more excited too, you know,
(50:30):
like like you were saying, like have your arm around
her or whatever. Um. But yeah, I know, different different
stories for different folks. Like just because it's this way
doesn't mean necessarily a bad way. Like just get yeah,
like get to the bottom of it, communicate and figure
out exactly what's going on. But let me tell you,
be ready for some bad news because it might not
be what you want to hear. That's true. Don't ask
questions you're not ready for the answer for exactly. And
(50:52):
I do think people get than Dina and I have
given in four people get up to me at the
time and then they get upset and they're like, well,
you asked, like this is a this is an answer
that I'm giving you honestly, And you should never be
you can be hurt by the truth, but you should
never be like upset the person for telling you the truth.
You know what I mean, So just be ready for that.
If that's the case, it could be it could be
fairly fine. Raven could be right on the head with it.
(51:13):
So I don't know. It's so hard to tell from
an email, but you know that I don't know. Well,
we should just call Nick and see what's going on.
I like how he said he's twenty two. Well that's
gonna do it. For this week's episode of Help I
Suck at Dating. Thank you for your wonderful emails. Please
keep them coming. You can follow us on Instagram. Help
I Suck At Dating? Raven got shock. Thank you so
(51:36):
much for everything that you do. Congratulations on everything on
your beautiful family, and uh, hopefully we see you soon
because I know Ashley would really like that and I'd
love that as well. Yeah, Raven, you change your last
name legally, but you still have not changed your last
name on Zoom, so that needs to happen. Everything is
(51:57):
Raven Gates except I get maybe my driver's Austin's. That's
the only thing completed. So even my bank bank statements
say Raven Gates. I gotta figure all that out. Is
not the timeline to get that complete by um No,
it just makes traveling very difficult. Like my my rapid
(52:19):
rewards points and my name of the whole thing t
s a pre check, like the whole thing, like trying
and trying so hard. Yeah, that sounds chaotic. I should
have never done it. I'll just say that if anyone
out there is listening and thinking about changing your name,
don't do it legally, just just for yourself. We don't
say that I'm trying to change my last name. Don't
(52:40):
do it. Don't do it. Maybe I shouldn't. My brother
did it. He didn't say it was that bad. But
I do see likes a pre check and all that
stuff coming in and like all these like government organizations
where you already waiting line long enough the first time.
You don't want to do it all again. And I
think it's really hard because it was during COVID, so
there was like hard to get appointments, it was hard
to get you know, it's a whole thing. Yeah, well
(53:02):
good to know. I'll you know how it goes for me. Um,
but yeah, thank you so much for joining us. Raven
it was so great from you and see you. Um.
We're excited for a little baby Dean to come next,
next anywhere, like you were saying, we'll keep a lookout
for that. But um, thank you so much. We'll talk
to you soon hopefully. Okay, bye and tell Ashley I
said hello, Hi Will bye guys. Bye, Raven, Bye, Raven.
(53:24):
I'll just I'll tell you to go for yourself. And
Ashley have talked so many times because of the pet. Yes,
we just talked so much because of the pro I
love Caitlin, you know, I rodgers off for Jane and Kaylyn.
I was I hope you remember I'm the only one.
I was like, yes, go get your girl. I love her.
(53:46):
But yeah, I remember. Of course I'm just giving your
heart time. I'm just giving your heart time. I will, Um,
we'll see you later that We'll talk to you soon, guy.
Bye Raven. Follow hell by suck at Dating on I
Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast.
How I Suck at Dating with de Nungler and Jared
Haven and I heard radio podcast. Hey, welcome to an
all new episode of help by Suck at Dating. I'm
Jared Haven and yes, once again, we need to rename
this podcast to help I Suck at podcasting because you
guessed it. Dean is going to be a few minutes late,
(00:22):
but he will be on the podcast shortly and until then,
we have a very special guest who is joining us.
I forget where you are in the world, Raven, but
it is Raven Man. I hope I don't screw up
Adams and your last name that badly. Raven gots chalk.
That's pretty good. Yeah, what's pretty good? How do you
actually say? Um, it's like you stick your finger in
(00:44):
a socket and you got shocked. Oh got shocked? Way
to explain it? Yeah, but any anyway works. So that's fine.
So did you officially legally change your last name? I did,
and oh my gosh, they asked Adam and I to
go to Paradise to like host today. I'm sure they
(01:05):
asked you and Ashley whatever. But I couldn't go because
I'm getting my last name changed on my passport. So
I don't have a passport and she shut up. Yeah,
so we didn't get to go because of that. And
then obviously last year we didn't go because we're pregnant,
like you guys. So yeah, well, I'm sorry that you
missed down on Paradise, but the good thing is they'll
definitely invite you back next year. Yeah, And you know,
(01:27):
I'm like, when did when did? When do we get
to the point where we're like, well, like make it
a rare view moment for us, or we don't go back.
But I don't know. It's always fun to go, you know,
it's the best to go anytime they call and ask
Ashley and I were like, are you sure, because we'll
be on that plane like we're coming. We did Ashley
(01:48):
change her name or no, she hasn't changed it legally yet.
Such a process, No, I get it. It's a process
like this has been a year in the making, over
a year in the making for me, and I still
don't have a passport, so jesus. Yeah, so she tells
everybody that she's just Ashley. I can Eddie Haven, but
she hasn't legally changed it, And honestly, I don't care,
you know, Dawson has. It doesn't matter. I mean, it's
(02:11):
really up to her. Because the thing is the I
can Eddie name is done zo if if she changes,
because it doesn't, you know, they're not going to carry
it on because there's two brothers, her dad and her
uncle that I have the last name I can Eddie,
and her uncle never had kids and her dad had
two girls. Wow, what a burden she has to carry.
(02:36):
So I love the last name I can Eddie. I
don't want it to die off. It's it's such a
great one. I think it's better than Haven. So oh well,
I much appreciated. So I didn't care like I mean
I was. I just wanted Dawson to have my last name.
But we could have incorporated I can Eddie as well,
but she didn't want to do that. She liked the
name that we had picked out. So anyway, Raven, how
(02:57):
are you where? Where do you guys live? In a
right Dallas? We're in Austin Dallas and all kind of
like runs together a big city in Texas. You know
whatever is who's from Dallas? Adam No, Adams actually from
l a and Um. When we met. When he went
on the show, he had already been living here for
a few years, so I think this is Adam's tenth
(03:19):
anniversary of living in Texas. So I just followed him here.
You guys aren't Cowboys fans, are you? No? No, I
mean we're just like I will go to a Cowboys game,
I have Cowboy gear, I will I will participate, but
we're not die hard over here. All right, that's good.
That's all I care about. Uh So, Raven H. First
(03:39):
of all, how are you? How's mom life, how's married life?
How's everything? It's good. I know you guys are like
probably right along the same boat because that message Ashley
every once in a while, like, oh, like they're looting,
their hair is changing color. At the same time, we're like,
you know, they're only two weeks apart. We're going through
it together. So it's been cool to kind of have
Ashley there too. But it's been really good. It's all
(04:02):
a balancing act. And I feel like if we would
our wedding got postponed like three times during COVID, so
had we gotten married earlier, we would have had children earlier.
So I feel like this is perfect for us. Like
we got married, got pregnant, and did it all in
one year. You know, we had our one year anniversary
brought when we were like celebrating our one year being
(04:24):
you know, finding out we had the baby. So it's perfect.
It's been so good. It's like exactly what we both wanted.
So that's made it really fun. You know, it's been
really nice that you went through this with ash because
you know, I've only met I think I've only met
you and Adam once, but I feel such a kinship
with you guys because Ashley talks about you all the
(04:46):
time and how you guys message back and forth and
how you were going through similar you know times during
your pregnancy, um, and so it's it's been really nice
because you know, I actually she moved to Rhode Island
for me. She's a little bit of a fish out
of water. She's very close to my family. But uh,
it was really nice to have someone um that she
(05:07):
felt you know, close with while going through the pregnancy.
So I appreciate you being you know, yeah, and she
was friends with my wife. Oh, I feel the same
with her. To like bonding with her over that was
just so nice because when you're it's also just so
weird when you get pregnant, because you think all of
your other friends that have gone during it through it
are going to really rod with you during the time,
(05:30):
and they're not because they're busy with their own life
and their own children and really have to hold on
to people that are like in the same exact stage
as you. And actually and I were so neck and neck.
I'm pretty sure she was the first person I told
my birth story too, because I was laying in the
hospital bed and she messaged me, and I was just
(05:52):
got out of the C section, recovering, and I was
like voice messaging Ashley, telling her all about it because
I kept telling her she had such a kind of
hard time during her pregnancy, She's going to have the
most beautiful delivery, and I had the most beautiful pregnancy
and then had the hardest deliveries. Were like comparing notes
on a lot of things. But yeah, you guys were
(06:12):
pretty much opposite because her pregnancy was tough, and then
you had an easier pregnancy. I don't know if there's
any such thing as an easy pregnancy. You had an
easier time than Nashley. But then the delivery for ash
was so fast, so quick, everything went smooth, and then
your delivery story, which Raven you are, wonder Woman, Superman,
(06:37):
and Batman. It's not sweet, it's the truth all wrapped
into one. If anybody hasn't heard about your birth story,
if you feel so inclined and comfortable enough, I would
love for you to share it here because it is.
When Ashley was telling me, it was I, I I
don't I don't know what I would have done. I
(06:57):
don't know what I would have done. Yeah, I prey friends.
When I was telling actually a prefer preference, like, this
is not going to happen to you, okay, Like I
was like kind of scared to even tell her because
I knew it was coming up for her and I
didn't want my experience to make her feel scared. And
I was like, just promise me, you're not to take this,
(07:20):
and I think it's gonna happen to you, you know
before I told her. But um, Yeah, to make a
long story sure, I basically um was in the process
of giving birth. I had two uber durls in a
spin all block and felt everything. I don't know how
that's possible, but it didn't take um And then so
(07:42):
it just like, did you start feeling numb? At all
and then it went away or just they put the
uber durl in. Okay, so you did feel a little
numb this and then it went away, yes, And they
think it's because he was laying in such a weird
position in my body that somehow it was not getting
to the lower part of my body. So um, that
was bizarre. And then as I was pushing, this is
(08:05):
kind of graphics and just like, oh, that's all right,
we'll four stories, you know, like it's life. And so
I was pushing him and his head was it was out,
and my mom and Adam were like, oh my gosh,
she has brown hair, and they're like, okay, three more
pushes that he's out. And I kept pushing, and like
(08:27):
an hour went by and in two hours, and I
finally said, is am I not pushing him right? And
at one point I was screaming from the pain so
bad that I'm sure I scared everybody on that side
of the hospital because it was just excruciating, if anybody knows.
And finally the doctor comes in and she says, you're
(08:51):
running a hundred grief fever and it's going up, and
she said the baby has a lot of meconium, which
means he's used the bathroom in the womb, which is
very dangerous and it's a lot. So he's going to
go straight to the nick you and we're gonna have
to do an emergency C section. And she said, but
(09:12):
right now, and mind you feel I'm feeling all of O.
She's like, so right now, you have pushed him so far,
he's not coming out. He's stuck for some reason. We
don't know why. So I'm gonna have to take his
head and push it really far up in you so
that I can't properly cut the baby out because he's
(09:34):
too low. I will cut him if I don't push
him back. So at this point, I'm just like worried
about the baby. You kind of like going another place
in your head about like just I'm wanting to baby safe.
I heard her saying nick you and like, I got
to get this kid out. And so while this is
(09:57):
going on and you have I know you don't know
Adam very a well, but we we all have to
get together at some point in our lives. You would
love Adam, but he's so positive. I call him the
optimistic delusionally optimistic. He and I need that because I'm
more of a pessimist. And he said, wait, wait wait,
(10:20):
she's about to push his head back into me. And
he's like, wait wait wait, so it's emergency c section,
so this gets written off on our insurance. Like this
is free. Everything's free on our insurance. And my doctor said, yeah,
he high five across my body. Did you listen up, motherfucker? No,
(10:44):
because he is so funny to me, He just I
don't know how I fund comedy in this moment, but
he's just and so longer story shorter. They will me
in the cut him out his cord, and I feel everything.
How could you I mean not to like, if you
(11:07):
don't want to talk about you don't have to bring
up trauma. But like I thought about that when Ashley's
telling me, like you could feel getting stabbed. For lack
of a better way of saying it, I mean, holy shit,
it was. It felt like someone took a box cutter,
which I guess that's what they kind of did, and
just completely and just ripped me. And like when they
(11:29):
pulled the skin apart, it was like burning. I can't
even explain it. You know how someone like can rub
your arm really hard and it starts to burn. That
kind of burn is like how it felt that kind
of burned, except one thousand, four d million times worse exactly.
And so they told me. I was like, oh my god,
(11:51):
I feel that, and they said, wait, what did you feel?
And I feel them closely back up and put pressure
on me. And I was like, oh, wasn't supposed to
fill that, you know, and that freaked me out And
why weren't you supposed to feel that? Well? I just
realized that wasn't I wasn't supposed to feel that, you
know what I mean, like, because it sounds like they
(12:12):
were like trying to close you back up and stop. Yes,
Because after I said I feel that, They're just like,
oh my gosh, like they put pressure on it, like
what are you feeling? How what did it feel like? Can?
I told them and they came to me and just
said They came right to my face and said, the
only thing we can do now is put you completely under.
(12:33):
And I was like, no, I can't. He's about to
be here. If I can just bear this just a
little longer, I can. I can see him for the
first time, you know, And so like I was in
so much pain. I was kind of going in and out,
like passed him out. Yeah, And so Adam had one
(12:56):
of the nurses take his phone and take pictures that
everything and going on, and like me opened up and everything,
we have pictures of all that. And I was just
getting these glimpses of Adam, like I would like pass
out in so much pain and wake back up and
Adam would be like, he's here. And it was kind
of scary because this diace was so like, yeah, it's
(13:19):
such a big smile on. I was like, he's kind
of scary again. Yeah, it's kind of delusional, but yeah,
that's his quarters wrapped around his neck three times and
that was the issue where I couldn't come out. But
he's healthy. He didn't have to puy the nick you
and so yeah, I mean, how were you, Like, were
they ever worried? I mean, obviously they were worried about you,
(13:39):
but with your safety. Was there ever a point where
I was like, Okay, this is getting not only just
dangerous for Gates, but for you. Yeah. I think they
were very worried that I had the fever because him
having all that maconium in the roomb is what could
make him really sick. And they were sick and that
(14:00):
was kind of starting to happen, but we everything was fine.
Thank God, thank God, Yeah, thank God. I would say
that and um Jade having the baby in the closet
is the two wildest stories, not just from like bachelor babies,
but just like babies in general. It's wild stories I've
ever heard of my entire life. Yes, absolutely, blessed sas heart. Well,
(14:24):
bless both of your hearts. You guys are incredible. And
just when Gates gets older, and if he ever gives
you grief for anything, you just look at him and
you say, one day, huh, I h the pictures? Oh yeah,
and you just say, listen, kids, do you understand what
I went through to bring you into this world? I
(14:46):
don't think because I think about like my mom, you know,
and of course, yeah, we all did it right, We
all just like give grief to our parents. Were teenagers.
We don't care, We don't know the scope of things.
But like now that I'm older and I've learned, like,
oh yeah, I was ten pounds and my mom push
me out with no upper dural. I know. When Ashley
told me that, I was like, whoa, I for your sake,
(15:06):
I hope the baby does not take after Jared. It's like, no,
he's big now, but he he was only born eight pounds,
so he wasn't that bad. But no epidural ten pounds
pushed out of my mom vaginal. I was like, Mom,
you I gotta buy you lots of dinners. I gotta
I gotta make sure that I'm paying for every dinner
moving forward. Oh, I owe her big time after that
(15:37):
incredible birthing story. Thank you again for sharing because it
is just the wildest ride and like the coolest thing ever.
We have our co host here, Dean Ungler, live from
some airport lounge. Hi, Raven, I'm sorry for being late
you guys, but it sounds like I just missed a
bunch of baby talk. Huh yeah, you know, so you'll
(15:59):
be I do miss You can listen to it later
when it airs, So it's time. Um well, I apologize, Raven.
It's great to see you. Jenal Do you laugh that
over there? Just you look like you just woke up
your at the airport now, just like Dean. Just you know,
I could run through a list of excuses as to
(16:19):
why I am late, but I figured out would just
figured at this point. It doesn't really matter for you guys,
so I'm just not gonna say anything. Raven, it's so
incredible to see you. So good to see you. Dean.
You kind of took a little hiatus from social media lately,
it seems like, but you're you seem to be getting
back into it, which is good to see. Yeah, I'm trying.
I mean it's hard. I also like always have this
(16:40):
balancing act of like what am I sharing and what
is real life? So I've always had that kind of
battle in my head from the very beginning. So still
gone through that, you know, nothing new. Well, like I said,
it's good to see you back. I saw you post
with the with the family the other day, which is
always good to see. Is Adam, Are you guys really
thinking about getting a house on the golf course, because
if so, I'm coming over all the time. Yes, you
(17:02):
have to. You have to come over. And it's not
only a golf course, Steam, it is the the p
G a golf course that they are building in Frisco.
So it's it's epic. It's gonna be insane. Sounds like
they might have you on the sales committee with that pitch. Oh,
they probably already have. Adam. I don't know how has
done this. He's told me since the beginning of us
(17:24):
even seeing each other that we were going to live
on a golf course, and it has come to fruition.
He has truly manifested this whole life we have together.
It's really insane. That sounds exactly like I don't know
Adam that well. Only you know from the limited time
we spent together on the show and limit afterwards. But
he does seem like a guy that's able to manifest
his destiny pretty well. So I definitely picked a good one.
(17:44):
I really love that about him too. That's one of
the things I've learned from him. You've always learned something
from your partner, and that's what I feel like I've
learned from him, and the most like anything is achievable. Yeah,
your relationship seems like the I feel like more of
you in my own relationship. And Ashley is more like
Adam because Ashley, actually you said that you call Adam
a delusional optimist. Ashley used to say she's either delusional
(18:08):
or optimistic, like you be the judge, she's both exactly,
And then I'm more it is because I've also learned
from Ashley of like being more manifesting. Manifesting are you know,
dreams and putting things out there and working towards the
things we want instead of you know, I'm definitely more
of a pestimist and like would be terrified to fail.
(18:29):
So I would never go after things because I was like,
I don't even want to, Like, I don't want to
test those warders. I'd rather just do something that I'm
comfortable with and something I know that I'll be good at,
rather than go after something I want and possibly really
suck at it. But Ashley has taught me the opposite.
I'm with you. I forgot that you guys were on
the same season of Paradise. Who's I mean, oh being Raven? Yeah,
(18:49):
yeah there too, Yeah all of us three. That's well,
Adam and I were on the same season before that.
But yeah, Raven and I first sand, you know, just
I just didn't meet her standards, so we never had
any romantic connection. And then and then Adams spilled on
in and and sweep throughout her feet. So the rest
is history. Obviously. I think I was like so happy.
(19:13):
I was like insidua, weird love triangle with people that
I was like so happy someone knew was coming down
and you know, just worked out. I don't remember the
story and somebody to look back on it now too.
It's like especially for you, what, I'm sure, yeah, and
I mean it is for all of us, right and
now that when you watch it back, it's kind of
(19:33):
strange to think, like, that's how all three of our
relationships happened. And I was thinking about this this morning
before the podcast started. We all met our significant other
on the beach, but we none of us proposed, and
we're still in a relationship with them. Like how crazy
is that? It's like unconventional bachelor in Paradise, right, we
(19:53):
broke we broke the old basically, Yeah, we're rule breakers,
we're rebels. Were are nice rebels, baby, but even it's
been it's been five years for you guys now basically
right mm hmm, yeah, yeah, which is insane. And Jared
and Jared, you've been with Ashley for how four years?
We got together two eighteens so yeah, four years so
(20:17):
and then Caylin a three years. So are the babies
of the group. I guess, yeah, I consider you and
actually like we're high up there, but I guess you're
not officially together until like four years ago. Yeah, because
we met in jails fifteen, but then kind of we're
off and on again and then just strictly friends and
then got together. Yeah, but that's crazy, Dean and Kaylyn,
you guys have been together for three freaking years. Holy crap,
(20:40):
time flies by. I feel like I feel like the
gap between three and five isn't as it doesn't feel
like it's as much as the gap between one and three,
and for obvious reasons, you know, But I remember, I
think I remember when I saw Ravens celebration post for
a year and Adams three or four year, and I
was like, wow, it's been that long. It seems like forever.
And now, you know, Calin and I have been together
three years, and I'm like, yeah, it's not that long,
you know what I mean exactly? Yeah, it feels like
(21:02):
you've known each other for a way longer. But then
it also is like, oh, that's just not that long
of time to be together. Yeah exactly, But um, yeah,
I don't. I don't know. That's interesting. So what have
you been up to since we last saw you gave birth? Obviously?
Are you guys having any conversations around the second one
by any chance. Yeah, we are. We are hoping to
(21:26):
start again in January. That's when we're gonna. Yeah, so
we're ready. That's exciting. We're a family. I'm ready to
be like the live laugh love mom and I just
like I'm embracing that whole side of my life. Now.
What is a live laugh love mom. Yeah, good for
you to go through the delivery that you went and
still be like, yeah, no, I'm ready for a second one. Yeah,
(21:48):
I'm sure. Actually you can say to like you kind
of forget. Like two weeks after the baby, Adam was like,
the are we going to have another one? And I'm like,
I do not speak to me about another one. And
then after or two months it was like, oh yeah,
I think I could do it again. It wasn't that bad.
You know, I don't think Ashley's venus gonna put a
(22:09):
cap on it, or is it just kind of like
whatever you're feeling. I think it's I think we want
to try for three, but I don't know. Gates is
like such a good baby that I'm sure we'll have
a helly in in the mix of children, So you know,
like maybe we have another good baby. We'll trap for three.
If not, maybe we'll stop. I don't know. Also, I
(22:31):
love the name Gates, by the way, thank you. Yeah,
Adam actually named him. I didn't name him Adam. Adam
had two names, one for a girl, one for a
boy that he was just dead set on, and they
were both gene names, and I was like, you know what,
that's a strong name, Gates got Shoka. Like I liked it,
so we stuck with it. But I was like, everyone's
gonna think I named him. I didn't name him. It
(22:52):
was Adam, right, because your name yeah? Yeah, so okay, wait,
So adn't have Gates picked out before he you know,
he was just like wanted another g name, and he
thought it was really strong. And he played football in
Arizona with a guy named Gates, and he's like, I
(23:12):
think that's kind of Cool's very nice name. It's way
better than Gottschalk as a first name. That's yeah exactly.
Adam said it took him a long time to learn
how to spell his last name. We didn't want to
make it too hard on the baby. Is that funny? Though? Like,
there are certain last names that can definitely work. His
first names and I would say, like, ha, Ben, maybe
(23:33):
not so much. Got chocked definitely not Ungler, definitely not.
I don't know, you gotta luck that case. Yeah, isn't
your didn't you hyphen it your last name before? Wasn't it?
Or is this your middle name? Nicole? My middle legally
it's now Raven Nicole got shock, But um, I really
thought about half and half in it, hyphenating it, hyphenating it,
(23:57):
and but I didn't. It is what it is. I
don't know. I'm like, why did I even change my
name at this point? But Nicole is your middle name? Yeah? Okay?
Got you? Got you? Because I see that on your
I think it was Instagram, right, And I'm like, is
it Nicole Gates? Like it's a hyphenated last name, but
now that's the middle name. Okay, But you're right. I mean,
I'm sure Jared can speak to it a little bit
more like what's the point these days? It doesn't really
(24:19):
seem like it doesn't have the same effect as it
used to, Right, there's no point at all when we
decided I actually changed my name. I'm not even done
changing it legally, but I actually decided to change it
after we had we decided on the name Gate Scotch
Shok because I thought that was like too confusing and
weird if everything on my boarding passed, even like now,
(24:41):
since I haven't legally got it completed, it's like, okay,
Raven Gates Adam scot Shock and then the Baby's Gate
Scotch Shok, and like we've had people hold us up
in the airport and travel and we're just like, Okay,
I'm changing my name, no confusion, and people'll move forward.
So like the flying and traveling, how a lot to
do with me changing my last name. Yeah, you gotta
(25:03):
do what you gotta do. I mean Jared is I
still want Jared to change his last name I can Eddie.
I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon, though, unfortunately not.
I mean, listen, i'd be open to. Actually, before you
came on, Raven, I were talking about last names and
how I feel bad because the I Can Eddie name
is I think a better last name than Haven, and
it's gonna die because there's two men who are carrying
on the I Can Eddie name right now. One is
(25:23):
Ashley's dad who had two girls, and the other one
is Ashley's uncle who has no children, right, so very sad,
very sad. Indeed, so maybe like because well Raven, do
you Raven? You have brothers? Right? Yes? I have an
older brother yet. Yeah, so Gates was gonna like hopefully
live on no matter what. And then but you obviously
(25:44):
named your kid Gates. But I think I can Eddie
Haypen might be a little difficult if we have a
second one. I don't know I can Eddie as a
first name. I mean, that's pretty cool though, I like it.
It is cool. I can Eddie Haven. You can make
it like I A. I see, I don't know Iak
you want me to name my second kid iak or Nettie.
(26:07):
Oh Nettie, dude, I thought you Nettie and I was like,
huh no, not Nuttie. Um, well, Jared, what do you
want to talk about this week? I know I missed
probably the first half of the episode, But is there
anything um pressing that you've got on your mind for
us that you want to share? We do have a
couple of emails that I obviously want to get to.
And then we have a story here about former Bachelor
(26:28):
at Katie Thurston, who talks about dating herself after she
split from John Hersey. Uh I thought that said Hershey
would be pretty awesome because, as we know, so Katie.
When show, Katie picked Blake, who was from Tatious season
Tastious slash Claire season. Sorry, I talked to my hands
(26:48):
a lot. Obviously anybody who's listening doesn't know that, but
Raven and Dean can see me just like moving my fingers.
So anyway, Katie Thurston left with Blake. Blake was on
his second season in The Bachelor. They broke up and
she started Dane John, who left like halfway through her season.
Now they're broken up, and she tells People Magazine that
she's now dating herself, taking some solo time. And it's
(27:12):
only been it's only been a week since she announced
she broke up with John. Why does that feel like
three years ago? Jesus. Anyway, she shared a glimpse with
People Magazine about how she's embracing the single life, which
I gotta be honest, sounds terrible. Uh she Oh my god,
could you guys imagine being a single right now? No, No,
it's scary, can you imagine? I mean it would suck,
(27:37):
but it's just so funny. How far removed that is
from your lifestyle now, you know, I think about like
the well because at the coffee shop there's a lot
of your I kids and they're all single, and I
see them flirting with customers or flirting with each other,
and like, dude, I am I'm such the old man. Now.
(27:58):
There is this generation sational gap, you know, like they're
all like twenty one, twenty two, so I guess I'm
ten years older. So that's a pretty big gap. But dude,
it's just like I am, I'm the old man to them.
It's so it it's kind of sucks. I'm not gonna
lie because like I just feel old. I make references.
(28:20):
They don't get I sing songs they never heard of. Dude.
Like even like I'll be singing Matchlocks twenty and I'm like, oh,
do you know Rob Thomas And They're like, who oh
God Jesus Christ. There are times where you like, Okay,
Then I went to dinner last night at a restaurant
near our house. Let me walk through a group of
it was probably high school kids. They were like skateboarding
and like, you know, like just hanging out. There was
(28:41):
like eight pm, and so they're just like hanging out
pastrife or whatever, and I was I was like, it
was like nervous They're gonna like make fun of us
or something as we walked by. I don't know, I
don't know. I don't know why I feel like kids nowadays,
you know, they're just they're ferocious and they're vicious. But
I agree, man, you like over hear some conversations and
you're like, what do these people even talking about? Or
you see them post things on the Instagram or TikTok
(29:03):
and you're like, man, I'm so far removed from this
like lifestyle that it's not like I've It's not that
I feel bad about it, but it's like you definitely
be a little out of touch when it comes to
that stuff. Anyway. So Katie goes on to say, I
(29:25):
love being able to share special moments with you, all
the funny ones talking about her Instagram followers, the happy ones,
the outrageous, embarrassing and heartfelt ones. But I don't know
if we will ever get easier to share the sad ones.
I appreciate every one of you that has supported us
throughout this journey. We could not and would not be
here without you. Obviously, that was in regards to her
(29:46):
breakup with John. They both attended that San Diego County
Fair last week with a group of friends. He's also
defended Katie from haters online who jabbed her Um about
unable to keep a partner. He went on to say,
I've never been so supported or unconditionally loved by a partner.
Assuming and implying that Katie is doing anything wrong does
(30:09):
not sit right with me. So they're obviously still on
good terms. They just didn't work out. Uh, dating yourself.
I mean, she's twenty eight, dude, She's got so much time.
She should just enjoy herself, have fun and then settled
down that you know Katie, Jared, I've never no, I've
never met Katie. I always did you ever sit like
(30:31):
just You're always like, no, I've never met, and then
you're like, oh shit, we have met. Yeah, and you
feel like an asshole. Oh. It's the worst when people
come up and I'm like, hey, I'm Jared. Nice to
me and they're like, oh, we've met. I'm like, oh,
I can see you again, dude. At your wedding, Jared Um,
everything was happening so fast and we were in a rush,
and I was like being pulled a certain way. And Paul,
(30:53):
who I met Paul like a million times. He's like
your agent or whatever. Yeah, he's like he's like Dean
and I was like, oh, hey, nice to meet you,
am Dina. I met this guy like ten times. He
goes Deean, it's Paul, and I was like, oh my god,
I'm so embarrassed, Like I feel so guilty about it
right now. So I definitely, I definitely agree with you.
I've actually i've never met them either. Um. I've talked
to John a little bit via Instagram because he's got
(31:14):
a van that he's working on and we've got some
like loose plans to meet up at some point. But
John seems like a good guy. I've always been uh
team Blake as well. Blake seems like a good guy.
We talked a little bit on Instagram as well, because
he likes to travel and stuff and we, uh, you know,
have that in common. I guess. So I never talked
to Katie on Instagram, but I've talked to both of
her exes and they both seem like good guys. So
(31:35):
I hope the best for all three of them. I
guess I've talked to Katie a few times on Instagram,
like we we kind of became Instagram buddies a little bit,
like when her season first started. But I haven't spoken
to her in a while, but I hope the best
for her, and I think it's really smart she needs
to date herself. I feel like everyone needs that time time,
(31:58):
especially like when you are what seems to be in
and out of two relationships that are so public, Like
just do you just do what you want to do,
enjoy yourself, go travel, like you can be with someone
at any point in your life, Like there's a point
where you just need to be selfish and do everything
(32:19):
in anything you want to do. I think she's she
needs to be in her selfish phase. And I say
that in a good way. Yeah. Absolutely. How does that happen?
How do you guys get in touch while her season
is aaring? Do you reach out or just do you
respond to like a story or something like that. Yeah,
I think she responded to one of my stories actually,
and so then we went back and forth. I think
(32:40):
that's how that happened. Yeah. Nice. Nice? Do you think
I want to get into emails too? But I have
a question for both of you. Do you guys think
you could date yourself while also dating someone else. Yeah,
because I feel like, like I think about what you
just said, Raven, and there's times that you need to
be selfish. And I agree, and I think that there's
times where need to be selfish within a relationship. And Dean,
(33:02):
you talked about that last week with Kalen and how
sometimes you guys need to kind of like do your
own thing to feel independent enough so you can give
one self to your you know, mine is mine is
on a much more miniscale, like miniature level of that.
But like I find sometimes where I feel selfish because
there are times where I want to do things that
(33:22):
don't incorporate actually not because I don't want Ashley to
be there, but because I like I want to go
play pick up basketball, or I want to like go
to the gym by myself, or I want to, like
I don't know, go anywhere, just like to have a
minute to myself. But I feel selfish, especially not having
a kid and with Ashley and with the business. So
(33:43):
like I remember I talked about the podcast a while ago,
but how I came home one day and I was
exhausted and tired, and I was like I just want
to like go golfing, or I just want to, like,
you know, hang out with my buddies for a minute.
And she's like, you don't want to go on a
date with me, And it's like, no, of course I
want to do that as well, but just like I
just you know, it's different, I kind of need to
just like be myself for a couple of hours, and
(34:04):
so it is selfish, but I think also necessary, And
in my head when I was reading this article, I
was thinking about how I both Ashley and myself need
to kind of like still date ourselves, not as much obviously,
but to a certain level while also being in a
committed relationships. That makes sense, it makes I think. I
think it definitely changes a lot, and you guys can
(34:25):
probably check me on this if I'm wrong, but it
changes a lot when you have a kid like me
and Kaylin, doing something selfish for ourselves like leaving the
country for a month by ourself is a lot more
achievable when you don't have a kid that needs to
be taken care of, you know what I mean. Like
if Jared, Jared, if you were like, yeah, I'm going
to Pakistan for a month to go hike to him
Alayas and even if I was like, Hey, I want
(34:46):
to go to the gym this morning, I couldn't because
we have too many things to go, and like I
want to let Ashley sleep in so like I have
to stay home and make sure you watch the little
guy and feed him and make sure that she can
stay in bed, so I'll take care of him and
you know, do all that. So it's like it's everyday
sacrifices like that that I'm sure Raven can attest to,
obviously much more than myself, where it's um, you know,
(35:07):
it's hard to do things because it's like you want
to give them time and then you know when they're
I don't know, it's just like this constant cycle of guilt. Oh,
I hate that you feel that way. I get it though,
Like I feel like I was very selfish in the
beginning of mine in Adam's relationship, like I was still
dating myself and awesome because I didn't know him. I
(35:30):
didn't know him well enough to like I think at
one point I even told Dane. I was like, we're
probably somewhere in a club or something. Dan and I
were talking. I was like, I just don't know him
well enough yet, and I don't know what to think.
I don't know where it's going. And then and I
was still not that I was like seeing anybody else
because I was exclusive to him, But I was still
(35:53):
doing what I wanted to do, going place and I
want to go. I went to Fiji, I went to
like all these other places when we were dating. And
then when we got serious, I think we did. I mean,
I've talked about this on even Ashley's podcasts, that Adam
and I are so different in every single way that
I think we appreciated each other being so different, and
(36:14):
it's almost like we have I don't want to say
we have two different lives, but like Adam has his
life and I have my life, and then when we're
at home together, it's ours that we like created and
built off of so many foundational things that we've worked
really hard to build, like going to counseling and like
(36:35):
laying everything out on the table and doing things the
way we want to do it and for our best
interest in our family and what we wanted. And so
I'm actually, like Adam told me yesterday, he said, do
you care if I go golf tomorrow? And he never
asked me to go golf. He just says, hey, I'm
going to golf. I'm like, okay, cool. And I was like,
(36:56):
why are you asking me? Like no, because I don't
want him to feel like he's burdened by me and
the baby in a way, and maybe that's not on insecurity,
but also I know that he's going to reciprocate that
for me, and that's just kind of our balancing act.
And like you evan flow in your relationship and you
(37:18):
throw a baby in there, you really, like I was
telling Ashley Adam and I did like pre marital counseling. Um,
we did like religious counseling because we're from two different religions,
and then we did like pre baby So it was
like we hashed out a lot of our issues and
like our roles that we're going to change with each
(37:40):
other with the baby before having the baby. So that
doesn't mean like we don't argue, and like I mean,
we definitely have our moments, but kind of some of
the other stuff we've avoided because we're kind of pre
you know, we got ahead of it. We have a
lot of professional Yeah, we have a lot of relationship coaches,
(38:01):
or professionals on here, uh that talk about couples should
go to counseling not just when they're having problems, but
kind of like think of it like a gym almost,
you know, where you you want to be able to
maintain your relationship and not just I think Adam and
I thought we were. We knew that we were so
different from each other that that was important to both
(38:23):
of us because one thing we never wanted was divorced.
And like we can't ever say never, but we both
know that's what we don't see for ourselves and we
don't want that for our family. So like, let's try
to get ahead of everything. Like we even had counseling
and sit down about finances and like our roles, they're
(38:44):
like the stuff you really don't want to talk about
that that caused the most divorces or that caused the
most friction between couples. We even did that, and it
was I felt like I was standing in a room
with a bunch of people when I was showing like
my you know, getting d been to finances stuff. I
felt like I was showing every like opening up my
(39:05):
soul to people when it comes to stuff like that.
Because it's so personal and I mean it really built
our trust though too. So, I mean it's a lot.
There's there's a lot of things we did and that
we're still doing to try to get ahead of the game.
I've got a question about the religion things. So you
said you went to counseling for that. How are you
gonna handle that when it comes to Gates. Yeah, so
(39:28):
we're trying to keep it private of what we're gonna do.
But no, it's okay, I don't care. But ultimately Gates
can do whatever he wants. Um, we're not. We will
share our traditions with him on both sides of our family.
It's very important to both sides, and we will celebrate
all of the holidays and teach him the values of both.
(39:52):
And I mean it's up to him. If he wants
to be a Christian, he can. If he wants to
be you know, follow Judy isn't he can. He can
do whatever he wants. And if he doesn't want to
do both, that's his decision. I mean, that's a great
way to look at it and very respectful of both. Um.
(40:13):
All right, Well, we do have some emails that we
want to get to before we wrap up with Raven.
Before we get to those, let's take a quick break.
All right, welcome back to help I suck at dating Dean,
myself and Raven here to answer some of your wonderful emails,
(40:38):
Uh Eastern if you're out there and if you want
to join in read them, that would be great. Um,
and there he is, Thanks to save the day. Thank
you for the invite. I always appreciate being able to
speak on this program. Let's let's read some emails. Uh.
This one's from Lisa. Hey, guys, I'm a longtime listener.
I've been here since day one. Thank you, Lisa. It
(41:00):
so cool being on this journey with both Dean and
Jared and seeing them evolve. I know how I think
Dean and Jared have grown over the years that this
podcast has existed. But I'm wondering how they think they
have evolved. How do they think they've grown? If they
told their twenty year old selves where they'd be now,
what would they think? Would they be happy hearing that? Well?
First of all, I want to reiterate thank you Lisa
(41:21):
for being in a long time listener. Yes, we appreciate it.
That's a long time. That's like four whole years right there. Um,
what do you have for us, Jared? Uh, how we've
evolved individually? Uh? Yourself? Yeah, Um, how I've grown? Well.
I definitely think that if I told my twenty year
old self that I would be married to a beautiful woman,
(41:44):
to have a beautiful kid, living in Rhode Island, um,
owning a business, I think I'd be very proud of myself.
So I definitely would be happy to talk to my
younger self and tell him where he is now. Um,
how I've grown? I think I've just become more comfortable.
I mean, it's such a cliche to say, but I've
(42:05):
definitely have grown more comfortable in my own skin. Uh,
more confident in the person than I am. Definitely more insecure,
but confident at the same time, if that makes sense. Uh,
I think like insecure in my vain way where you know,
I I can't work out as much anymore, I'm not
(42:25):
playing as many sports, and that definitely like leads to
a certain lack of confidence in that department, but also,
weirdly enough, more confident in my own skin to say
what I'm thinking or do what I want to do, um,
you know, and to to let people know that I'm imperfect.
(42:46):
I think there was a long time, specially like right
around when I was first of the show, that I
didn't want to let people know that maybe I had
no idea what the hell I was talking about. But
now I don't care. Everybody can know I don't know
what the hell I'm talking about. So that's that's in
a nice development over the past years. That's some growth
right there for sure. Um to go in the same
order as you, what would twenty year old me think? Well,
(43:08):
I thought I was going to die when I was
like thirty, So I'm just I think ten year old
me would be impressed that I'm still alive, honest. So
you're in, Yeah, you're an ot You're an overtime. I'm
an overtime. I legitimately thought when I was like a
late teen, early twenty year old that I wouldn't live
to see the day, wouldn't live to see thirty years old.
So yeah, I'm already. Uh, I've already done pretty well
(43:28):
in that regard, I guess. Um. And then besides growing
like uh, growing the number of scale, I would say, yeah,
I would say being in a three year relationship has
definitely helped me, um put things in perspective. You know,
I'm not never been a long term relationship kind of guy,
so I think oldly would be impressed by that too.
(43:51):
So I definitely still have a lot more to go. Obviously,
I put my foot in my mouth all the time
on this podcast. But maybe one of these days I
will stop and I'll have a cheap growth. But I
want to know, Raven, Raven, if you go back in
time and talk to your tween year old self and
tell them exactly what you've achieved, what do you think
they would think? Um, I think I would be super
(44:13):
proud of like my family dynamic. I also think I
would just be kind of shocked because before the show,
I was very very private, and I just think I
would just kind of be really shocked. And I still
have a long way to go to kind of like
navigate that. In like one day, I hope I can
like delete everything and go incognito again everywhere I am.
(44:33):
But um, not that anybody cares what I'm doing. I'm
just for my own personal self not to care. Um,
But yeah, I think I'd be really proud of myself
and I would just be really shocked. I mean I
was a town of two thousand and now I'm living
in Dallas and I'm married at l a city slickers
(44:56):
what I like to call him. I mean, I think
I would just be really shocked of my choices. That
is true. When you could say it like that, it's
funny to think about. Yeah, from small town in Arkansas,
so now married to a city slicker, like you said,
living in Texas, living in another dimension? Really yeah, but hey,
you're you're thriving in another dimension. I think it's a
(45:17):
better way to say it. Yeahs, what about you? I
want I want to know your answer to that question.
Do you mind? Uh? Yeah, I guess. So. You know,
I've I've done a lot of growing and changing since
we started this podcast, and you know, it's been a
lot of fun and uh, I've become a more responsible person.
And I've made so much money. I've got just been
(45:39):
rich from working on this podcast. So it's just just
insurmountable wealth has come my way. I'm so grateful to
you guys for providing that. You know, they say money
can't buy happiness, but oh boy care so yeah, look
at me. So you got your nice green room. That's right.
I could have afford paint from my office. It's just
(46:01):
been fantastic. I have a fake plant back there. Those
things aren't cheap. Uh yeah, so it's just been great.
Thanks for taking me along for the ride. Boys. Uh
is that is that a Is that sconce hard wired
into the house or is that just a decorative sconce
for those of you at home. I have sconce that
is hard wired into the house. I did it. I
did that sconce myself. I did not hire it out, yes,
(46:24):
because it's important to yourself. I didn't electricute myself. You
know what I did. I turned off the entire power
to the entire house because I was afraid of it
in the wrong breaker. And I know that's a move
that the little babies do, but that's what I do.
I turn off the whole house. Um. But but this
isn't a home improvement show. It's a dating show. We
have another email if you guys want to get to it.
(46:44):
It's from anonymous, so we know what that means. Nick
vail Um, I have been every time n every time
we get an anonymous email, or we always say it's
Nick Faile because it's just as funny to us. Yeah,
he just doesn't want to admit he listens to the podcast.
I believe that too. He has a lot of dating issues.
I feel bad for him, But at any rate, I've
(47:08):
been dating my boyfriend for about eight months now. He's
my dream guy. When it's just us too, he's selfless,
gives me compliments, he's attentive. However, I see a shift
in him when it's when we're around our friends. I
wish that he acted like it was just us too
all the time. I can't help but think is he
embarrassed me? Or is he trying to act cool in
front of his friends. Either way, is this a bad
sign for reference? I'm twenty two and he's twenty four.
(47:32):
You know, this email reminds me of the classic song
by Destiny's Child, Say my Name, You know, saying my
name is say my Name? You acting kind of shady
and calling me baby's unchanged? You know what I'm saying.
Uh So, my first advice would go listen to that
song see how that results. And then secondly, and more importantly, um, yeah,
(47:56):
that's weird. I mean, why do you? I guess you know.
Obviously it's hard to answer these with out a lot
of context, But if he's acting weird, uh in front
of his friends, and he's acting differently than he does
when it's just the two of you. I would definitely
address it and ask, hey, listen, I feel like you're
a little different when you're in your front of your
friends and you were not as lovey dovey, or you
(48:20):
don't really admit that we're together. Yeah, of course talk
to him about that. Don't be afraid. You've ever right
to ask that. I'm gonna go the opposite of you
on this. I'm gonna say. I'm going to say that
there's a time and a place. So just like at home,
I would say if it's just me and Adam, like
there are things that people would never see if we
(48:42):
are in public. I just think there's a time of
place And maybe that's the circumstance here that maybe when
you're home and it's YouTube like he's lovy and cuddling
and attentive, but when you're out with a group of friends,
like he doesn't have to have his arm around you
all not to know that he loves you, he cares
for you. But like you said, I don't know the circumstances,
but I do know there's a time of a place
(49:04):
for that and maybe he's just you know, enjoying for
tom of friends. Maybe it's nothing. Women tend to overthink
and it may not be anything, but I don't know.
Maybe listen to say my name if that resonates with you. Yeah,
it's helped a lot of people in the past. I think.
I think that's all really good advice. Um. I I
(49:28):
instinctively want to start with Jared on this one, though,
I do think and I'm only really drawing from personal experience,
and whenever I've been like, uh, like shy with a
girl I'm dating around friends, it's usually because I like
didn't like the girl very much and I was trying
to like sess it out, but also to like maybe
he's nervous or I don't know, like like Raven saying,
(49:48):
maybe there's stuff that they want to keep private, um
outside of the house. So I see both sides of it.
But I'm just saying from my personal experience, it was
never a good thing when I was acting this way
in public with my friends with the girl I was
dating around. So were you love Evie when you were
just YouTube? Was it you? I would say, So that
(50:09):
makes sense to some degree. You know, as lovely w
as I can be. I'm not the most lovely devee person, uh,
just in general. But there was like a distinct difference
that I wouldn't that I would notice. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and uh that was actually funny enough. That was always
like a telltale sign for me. I'm like, oh, maybe
I'm just not really into this, because if I was
more into it, I would be more excited too, you know,
(50:30):
like like you were saying, like have your arm around
her or whatever. Um. But yeah, I know, different different
stories for different folks. Like just because it's this way
doesn't mean necessarily a bad way. Like just get yeah,
like get to the bottom of it, communicate and figure
out exactly what's going on. But let me tell you,
be ready for some bad news because it might not
be what you want to hear. That's true. Don't ask
questions you're not ready for the answer for exactly. And
(50:52):
I do think people get than Dina and I have
given in four people get up to me at the
time and then they get upset and they're like, well,
you asked, like this is a this is an answer
that I'm giving you honestly, And you should never be
you can be hurt by the truth, but you should
never be like upset the person for telling you the truth.
You know what I mean, So just be ready for that.
If that's the case, it could be it could be
fairly fine. Raven could be right on the head with it.
(51:13):
So I don't know. It's so hard to tell from
an email, but you know that I don't know. Well,
we should just call Nick and see what's going on.
I like how he said he's twenty two. Well that's
gonna do it. For this week's episode of Help I
Suck at Dating. Thank you for your wonderful emails. Please
keep them coming. You can follow us on Instagram. Help
I Suck At Dating? Raven got shock. Thank you so
(51:36):
much for everything that you do. Congratulations on everything on
your beautiful family, and uh, hopefully we see you soon
because I know Ashley would really like that and I'd
love that as well. Yeah, Raven, you change your last
name legally, but you still have not changed your last
name on Zoom, so that needs to happen. Everything is
(51:57):
Raven Gates except I get maybe my driver's Austin's. That's
the only thing completed. So even my bank bank statements
say Raven Gates. I gotta figure all that out. Is
not the timeline to get that complete by um No,
it just makes traveling very difficult. Like my my rapid
(52:19):
rewards points and my name of the whole thing t
s a pre check, like the whole thing, like trying
and trying so hard. Yeah, that sounds chaotic. I should
have never done it. I'll just say that if anyone
out there is listening and thinking about changing your name,
don't do it legally, just just for yourself. We don't
say that I'm trying to change my last name. Don't
(52:40):
do it. Don't do it. Maybe I shouldn't. My brother
did it. He didn't say it was that bad. But
I do see likes a pre check and all that
stuff coming in and like all these like government organizations
where you already waiting line long enough the first time.
You don't want to do it all again. And I
think it's really hard because it was during COVID, so
there was like hard to get appointments, it was hard
to get you know, it's a whole thing. Yeah, well
(53:02):
good to know. I'll you know how it goes for me. Um,
but yeah, thank you so much for joining us. Raven
it was so great from you and see you. Um.
We're excited for a little baby Dean to come next,
next anywhere, like you were saying, we'll keep a lookout
for that. But um, thank you so much. We'll talk
to you soon hopefully. Okay, bye and tell Ashley I
said hello, Hi Will bye guys. Bye, Raven, Bye, Raven.
(53:24):
I'll just I'll tell you to go for yourself. And
Ashley have talked so many times because of the pet. Yes,
we just talked so much because of the pro I
love Caitlin, you know, I rodgers off for Jane and Kaylyn.
I was I hope you remember I'm the only one.
I was like, yes, go get your girl. I love her.
(53:46):
But yeah, I remember. Of course I'm just giving your
heart time. I'm just giving your heart time. I will, Um,
we'll see you later that We'll talk to you soon, guy.
Bye Raven. Follow hell by suck at Dating on I
Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast.
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Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.