In this quickie episode, Dr. Jenn and Clint discuss ways couples can improve communication and create more emotional intimacy.

In this quickie episode, Dr. Jenn and Clint discuss ways couples can improve communication and create more emotional intimacy.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Doctor Jen. After much trouble andtroubleshooting, we got the internet working from
my end and we are doing ourpodcast. How are you? Yes?
Good? I'll tell folks, thiswill be a short one because of our
late start. We have a verylimited time here, about fifteen minutes or
so. But you know what,we can totally make it a quickie.
Let's do that as long as mywife's okay with it and you're now,

(00:23):
let's just blow our whole load andget out of here in like two minutes.
Wow, oh right, too much? Too much? Not really,
not really, It's never too muchfor me, come on, I am
However, too much for many otherpeople. Apparently, those little jokes that
I think are hysterical apparently make peopleuncomfortable. They can f oh there you

(00:45):
go. Okay, we find otherjokes, is what I mean. Foh
jay is what they can do,right? Yeah? Uh okay, So
I wanted to share that. Youknow, last week I talked about did
you get your book a year ofus? I did it downstairs, but
yes, have you started doing it? I haven't. And it's funny that
you and you even mouthed no,I see you in the camera, Like

(01:08):
no, I said it out loud. I was gonna buy it, and
I bought it. Okay, souh. For anybody that didn't hear last
week's episode, this is a couple'sjournal, a year of us. It's
a question a day to spark funand meaningful conversations. My boyfriend gave it
to me as one of his twoyear dating anniversary gifts to me. We
started it. It's been working great. I started. I did the first

(01:30):
few days, and then I wasat his place this weekend and I gave
it to him, and so hethen continued on and he wrote back and
answered the questions when it had beenat my house, and so we keep
alternating. It's lovely. We therewas one of them. As you look.
It hooked me right away. That'swhy I well this one day three.

(01:52):
What famous story book or movie characterdid you relate to most as a
child, and how did it reflectyour inner struggle of that time in your
life. That's when I think Iwe meant. I was talking about the
book it for me, and thenI won't share what he wrote, but
he shared something that I didn't knowabout him, and it was like really
touching and moving because I just we'rejust both writing a little bit because I
don't you know, I don't wantit to take more than two minutes each

(02:15):
day for us to do this.But then we sat and we were like
laying in bed, and I waslike, oh, what did this mean
to you? And then he startedtelling me and it was so heartwarming.
So anyway, I thought, sotoday's question was what do you desire most
for me, for yourself and fora relationship in the year to come.

(02:35):
So I just focused on the relationshippart of it because we don't have a
lot of space, you know,write like a sentence or two. But
then I was slipping ahead. Ithought I wanted to share a couple other
questions that I read in here.What question could I ask you when we
reconnect at the end of the daythat would help you feel relaxed, accepted
and welcomed? Ooh nice? Sowhat question could I ask you the end

(03:00):
of the day that would make youfeel that way? Yeah? Well,
I mean just what, like how'syour day? Or I mean, what's
like that's pretty simple, but well, so like for me it would be
too. I mean, if we'rein the same space, like to sit
next to me, like on thesofa, like so we're actually having physical
contact that would be important to me. And then a specific question about something

(03:23):
that he knew from my day,like a client, you know, my
client sessions, or a meeting thatI was going to have, or you
know, a planning meeting around anupcoming talk, or a friend that I
was going to see, something likethat. So that to me would because
it's quality time, it's physical touch, and its thoughtfulness. So that to
me feels what were the words letme see, relaxed, accepted, welcomed.

(03:50):
That kind of most taps into thatfor me specifically, So do me
a favor, just just to goover one more time so I remember the
question, but it's but what wasyour answer to the actual question? Because
you said you sit on the couch'sphysical touch, but I don't even know
if i've and then he asks mespecifically about it. It's a question.

(04:12):
It's not a generic question because Jarrettquestion wouldn't make me feel that way.
It's a specific question about something heknew I had going on that day.
Oh that's it, okay, okay, yeah, it's personalized, got it?
Got it? Yeah, yeah,I got to start on that.
How many days are you into that? Because it's every day, right for
a year. Yeah, we're daynine now, yeah, and it's a
year. Yeah, so it's yeah, it's it just goes from one to

(04:33):
three sixty five. But then youput the date in it. So we
started on the day after or acouple days after Anniverse. I think the
fifteenth July fifteenth is when we started. So and trying to do it every
day. Yeah, huh. Andand there's space for you and him to
write in the book. Yes,I mean not much. You can't write

(04:53):
more than, like I said,a sentence or something. So you need
to be thoughtful of what you're writinga sentence or two. Yeah, it
must be intentional, so don't gooverboard with your or me with people you
as well. And what I likeis and then you talk about it.
If it's something you don't already knowor you only know a little bit about,
then you ask a question and thenit stimulates a conversation. Tee hundred
and sixty five of those. Wow, oh my god, are you going

(05:18):
to start? I'm going to giveyou a homework assignment. You have to
start homework assignment to get at leastfive days in before the next time we
talk. Well, we're gonna well, no, we're going to be miss
success because I'm traveling. I leavetomorrow, so yeah, actually it may
not be till August. So ohjeez, Okay, I was kidding.
I'm traveling for two weeks starting tomorrow. Yeah, okay. Can I be

(05:41):
host the last one we did,by the way, oh my god,
our episode? Yeah? I alwaysdo. I don't think I've ever failed.
I just you know what, nowthat you're saying that, I'm like,
wait a second, where is holdon? Son of a bitch man?
I swear I can't keep my Ohyou get notified, right, don't
you? No, not at all? Oh so you just trust me?

(06:05):
Yeah, you fool? I knowI do. The only notifications I get
is if you know, one ofmy friends or one of our listeners reaches
out to me to comment on somethingon it. But otherwise no, okay,
then you know what? Hold on? Oh my god, Clint,
Well, I'm doing this because Idon't know why. I just popped into

(06:26):
my head. Well last week,if you remember, we we something went
wrong with my Remember I couldn't getonline. We did our thing, but
there was something Oh it kicked.Oh you don't even know this after we
did our thing, okay out ofGmail, that double authentication stuff, and
I finally went, okay, I'mdone with this. So I had to
go on an old familiar Mac thankgod I had it in the house to

(06:49):
get back in or it was notgoing to It wasn't giving me any kind
of you know what. It notifiesyou like you go, hey, I
want to get onto Facebook. Here'sI think. Okay, click yes on
Google or getting onto Gmail if youif you haven't been on in a while.
It it was not giving me thecode to punch in. There was
no way to get it. SoI looked on YouTube and I'm like,

(07:10):
okay, can't get into my Gmail. What do I do here? And
it I forget But people said you'rescrewed if you don't have this or this.
Well, I had the password,but it was not letting me.
It wasn't give me the code.So then it says never posted it.
We sang happy birthday to my sister. Oh my god, don't make me
feel worse. Don't make me feelhere's the thing. So I well,

(07:30):
no, this is good news nowexcept for the birthday thing, because now
I can post last weeks and thiswhen they get double. That's good.
Okay, yeah, not intentional.It screwed me for three days. So
I finally went to the other MAC. I was looking online and it would
tell you log into YouTube, andyou know you're not going to let you
keep talking about this? All right? Anyway, point is I got it

(07:54):
done. I'll get these two on. Okay, what else? I wanted
to share a couple of questions herethat I thought we're interesting ones. Spiritually,
this is day two hundred. Spiritually, how would you like to grow
or expand to be more inclusive inyour views of other people and of life
in general? I mean, that'sa good question, but I feel like

(08:16):
I'm pretty good at that already.What about you? There? You go?
Yeah? But I mean are thereways I can always learn? Yes?
I mean sure, But I bekto me, it's always like I
think, particularly if someone, ifsomebody's actions or views don't make sense to
me, it's always questioning. It'sasking myself, then what do I think?
How has their life been different thanmine? What are their values?

(08:39):
Or what meaning does this have tothem that it wouldn't have to me?
That to me is how we reallytry to stand in other people's shoes.
And understand their perspectives. What havethey experienced in their life, what have
they been taught? And yeah,what are their values? That's how we
can understand more the views of others. So yeah, I mean I if

(09:01):
I were thinking about it, Iwould have to say that I would.
What I have done recently is ifsomeone is irritating me and secretly because I
would not let them know that it'sjust not in me. That is what
I kind of go. Okay,well you keep being nice to somebody,
like if they're irritating you, willyou still keep treating them exactly the same?
Really? Oh yeah, oh mygod, I don't at all.

(09:22):
You know what I realized I startdoing. I just start if I'm in
a group, I just start actuallyignoring that person. I don't even realize
I do it. I'm just they'relike sort of nothing to me. You
know. It's funny, like yoursis probably healthier for you. Oh I
don't know that it's healthy. Ijust they're not worth my time. Well
see if I don't want to giveit to them. Okay, So sometimes
I can feel that way, butthen I do sit back kind of like

(09:45):
what you just said a minute agois what are they going through right now?
Maybe they really need to talk tosomebody and just for someone to lend
an ear. Like sometimes people willmake comments and I'm like, are you
kidding me? Like I don't saythat, but I'll be like, yeah,
did you really just say that?Do you really think that? Like
just yeah, I don't know.Sometimes a whole comments and I'm sure I
do it. But but I'll sitthere and I'll go at first, I'll
be like, I don't want totalk to this person, and I'll go

(10:07):
into outer space and I'll bring myselfback lately and go, hold on,
this person may need this conversation,and if they do, I don't know
what's going on with them, solet's just check it. It's almost like
I'll give up ten to fifteen twentythirty minutes whoa for someone who I really
want it over right now? Getout of my face? Whow Well,
not always, I mean sometimes it'slike, hey, got a run,

(10:28):
but listen, I really am gladwe talked, have a great day.
Let's talk again soon, you knowthat kind of things. Generally, give
about two to three minutes tops isall is all I'll give. And then
I feel like I literally feel likethey're taking from me or they're sucking my
energy, Like if somebody and I'mnot talking about if I if I disagree

(10:48):
with somebody and we're having a meaningfulconversation where we're actually like listening to each
other and trying to understand, I'mnot talking about that. But I'm talking
about somebody who's like talks at me, or somebody who's rude, or somebody
who is like snotty or snobby andlike judgmental, and I just, yeah,
I I won't give them much timeat all because I feel like,

(11:13):
yeah, it feels like they're takingfrom me, because they're not actually generally
not trying to get to know meor wanting to engage in something that feels
like equal. So I get it. That's why you'll live longer than me.
I don't know about I mean,I'm not a pleaser, though I'm
like actually the opposite of a pleasersometimes, you know, potentially to my
detriment, It couldn't, you know. I think we could probably most of

(11:37):
us be a little more clint likeat times. So appreciate that, but
I'm the opposite extreme when I'm verygood at boundaries and because I've had a
lifetime of I feel like being expectedto like laugh at men's jokes and just
let them talk at me. AndI started, like probably ten years ago,
really being like, I am notthis is you don't want to know

(11:58):
me at all. This has nothingto do with me. I'm just supposed
to be your audience. And Iso that's if you hear like sort of
the passion and irritation in my voice, that's what it comes from. I
was like, I will certainly engagewith different opinions and such if we're really
listening, and I will, Andthe thing is, I will ask curiosity
questions to get to know somebody andwhat matters to them and what it means
and what their life is like.But you know, if somebody has no

(12:22):
interest in doing that to me,then I was like, I'm not here
to be your audience. You mean, like me a few minutes ago talking
about what happened with my computer,and you said, I'm not going to
let you finish talking about them.No. You know why I didn't Because
we have our listeners at home andthis is only a fifteen minute episode.
I was like, really, we'regonna waste like three minutes talking about Gmail
like no mail. I'm kind ofhey, hey, we are all equal

(12:48):
opportunity loss conversation and two minutes left. Is there anything important you want to
say? Penis? Yeah, yeah, Penis, this is a pretty important
That's true. Vagina and volva adasmand clitterists and pleasure will say all that,
yes, and vibrators and lube.Don't forget the lubelube. By the

(13:13):
way, since we since we wentfrom that to this, there is something
I was going to say a fewminutes ago. You know your your think
about communication, and hey, thathas nothing to do with me. And
he doesn't have anything you know,he doesn't want to even know about me
or I'm not here to be youraudience. Think about that the way you
just said that is, or beforethat, I'm sorry, engaging in conversation
and this book, I know thatyou agree it helps with intimacy. Oh

(13:35):
my god, this is is yes, physical intimacy. Even I'm talking about
helping with physical INTIMCCE, I gotit. Yeah, So I mean this
is right. This is all tome about emotional and mental intimacy. But
I yes, if you are,particularly if one of you really likes quality
time and needs that emotional intimacy tobe able to open up to physical intimacy.

(13:56):
Yes, absolutely, this question aday thing. I I will say,
though, if your partner say,desires emotional intimacy in a way that
just doesn't matter to you in thesame way, or desires quality time and
having conversations like this, and yousay, yes, I'm going to commit
to doing this because it matters toyou, and then you drop the ball.
That really hurts because your partner hasprobably made themselves vulnerable and open and

(14:20):
they're feeling more connected and you're showingthat you care about that, and then
you drop the ball. It kindait's easy to get interpreted that you don't
care. Yeah, it's not apriority. Yeah, so you got to
make it happen. Set alarms inyour phone to make it happen. I
have to go. I literally havean important call in one minute. Well,
you took so long getting on thisthing. I mean it took me

(14:43):
a go forty five minutes to startthis call. Not me at all. No,