September 6, 2024 • 20 mins
Dr. Jenn and Clint discuss whether a girlfriend's compliment was positive or actually rude to her boyfriend. And Clint is an empty nester -- what are he and his wife doing to prepare for this next stage of life?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Doctor Jen, How is your Friday going thus far?
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Good? It's hot here in San Diego.
Speaker 3 (00:08):
It is a bit warm.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
It is one hundred and four in Sante yesterday and
I think one hundred and two right now, I believe
in Santy today.
Speaker 4 (00:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Oh well, I just looked up Pacific Beach and it's
seventy nine. But that is very hot.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
For the beach town and for writers.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
I we have like eighty percent humidity.
Speaker 4 (00:28):
So that's that's the thing.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
It is us that we're not used to.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
That is true. That is true.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Any discomfort at all for you people out near the beach,
and I did.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
Mean you people.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
I played beach volleyball last night for two hours and
it was so humid. Ye were cautiful sunset that way.
It was seriously was though. I don't remember the sand
ever sticking to me that much in my clothes, and
I was like, oh my gosh, we're not used to
that out here.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Okay, Well that answered that question because I asked if
you were naked, but you weren't.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Oh, playing beach volleyball. Yeah, you said you've done that
before only at black speech once. Yeah, but that's not
my in the volleyball was not very good. I play
like good volleyball with people who are good volleyball players.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
So, oh, are you pretty serious about it?
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yeah, oh yeah, you don't know. Yeah, I only play
two persons, so beach volleyball, so like you got to
you can't half ass when you've only got when you're
covering half the court.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
I didn't realize you did that.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Oh yeah, it's one of my favorite things too.
Speaker 4 (01:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
I actually a lot of this summer I missed the
group I play with just because I was traveling and
had work conflicts. And then now I played, I realized
I was like, oh my god, why is my back
so sore? I played three times in six days. So yeah,
I would, you know, just a group and we set
up our own nests and play and we're mostly you know,
late forties, fifties, and but yeah, we only we solely
(01:53):
played two on two, so you've got to be and
we've got we only play on men's nest, which means
I can't swing or do anything, and so you know,
and some of the men, well you know, can pound
the ball down. But yeah, it's great, one of my
favorite things.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
Well that's awesome, Yes it is.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
So you are officially an empty nester.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Oh yes, well okay, so yes, technically, but I must
tell you that my boys, Dylan and Gavin are both
home this weekend as of last night. So Dylan is
home for his professional show in Oceanside called Stranger Sings,
which is a I think it's the ocean Side Playhouse
that it's a parody of Stranger Things. He is Michael
or Mike Funny. Yeah, so he's a big part and
(02:36):
he's doing so well with that. But he's so he's here.
And then Gavin is at Fullerton, so an hour and
a half away with no traffic, and he came in
last night his girlfriend Maya, who is home for the
summer from Stanford, who just finished an internship from Monterey Bay.
It's as she is just a smart person, man, she
is smart as a whip. But but she is home
for the next three weeks. So he of course will
(02:58):
be home on the weekend. But once October twenty first
hits and Dylan's show is done, he will go back
to school. Gavin will have already been back to school.
We will officially be well, we are official, but we
will literally be empty.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Nestary literally will be there except you too.
Speaker 4 (03:16):
Yeah, yeah, how are you feeling about that?
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Oh strange. I love when they're home. I love when
they're home. I don't know when or if I'll ever
get used to it.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
People tell me I will, but hey, it's the next
chapter in their lives, you know, And and it's a
good thing. I thank god that there, that they are
pursuing their passion so amazing.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Yeah, yeah, but it's it's weird.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
You did your job to help them fly.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
Yeah, I mean.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
My pocket books still doing some job. But ye, yes,
well thanks for asking about what they're doing.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
Well, you know, it's funny.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Gavin just told me about an exercise that he did
in a classroom with his professor and he loves this professor,
loves this person. And he said that a few weeks
ago he had said, Hey, we're going to have you
guys in socks.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
It's a team building.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
A lesson, and you guys are going to have to
have two partners help one blindfolded partner, and you have
to guide them physically, in other words, from either side
of this little walking his path, and they have to
avoid stepping on mouse traps. And I said to him,
(04:28):
I go, just so you know, he's just doing that
to scare you. There's no way he is legally going
to put mouse traps, active mouse traps on the floor
with you having nothing but socks. He goes, Yeah, that's
kind of what I thought too, he goes, But I
do wonder, he goes. Then I asked him and he said, no, No,
they're real. And he said, I think you still just
messing with me. So it was real.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
They actually did it.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Nobody nobody got zapped, nobody got snapped. But I said
to him, I said, my god, how does he get
away with that? And I'm not even gonna question it.
Gavin loved it. He said it was so much fun,
he said. You know, he said, and after doing it,
I realized would be so much harder to let somebody,
if you're not paying attention, let somebody actually get snapped
by the trap than it is to have them avoid it.
(05:09):
That's the whole team building exercise. Look out for your
teammates and yeah, and.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
How to do it, and how to communicate clearly, how
to work as a team, how to put someone else's
interests above your like all sorts of stuff.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
It's great, Yeah, but.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
He said, he was so I was racking his nerves
watching one other team of the other of the other teams,
because he said about three or four times on that
path that course, he thought, oh my god, he's going
to step on it. They're not going to help them. Well, no,
he didn't do it.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
But so.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
You know what, I'm imagining doing this at a couple's
retreats for couples who are just like on the verge
of divorce, right, and how they'd be like, yeah, no, no,
I think he needs to step on this. I need
I think he needs to feel the pain I've been feeling.
I could totally see. It's this very like resentful way
of being passive aggressive, and you want to hurt your partner.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
And I think that would be a great indicator of
whether or not you should stay married.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Yes, that's yes, very good. Okay, that's my next venture.
I'm gonna go get the U r L now. Anyway,
mouse trap marriage something.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Yeah, if you've if you're at the point in your
marriage where you've reached the mouse trap, the mousetrap marathon.
This is do or die.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
My god, that'd be so fun to put something like
that together. Yes, it would, but I don't want to
deal with couples that are on the verge of divorce,
because that is sticky and not fun.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
And you don't want to deal with couples who would
sue you if they step.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
On the mouse trap.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Yeah. Yeah, we got the whole legality thing too. Yeah,
I have a good topic for you.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
My friend Brian, who listens to the show sometimes and
we've done shout outs to him before, he wrote this
to me. This is actually almost a month ago he
wrote it. He texted to me and he said, Hey,
there's this thing going around like wild on Twitter. Not
sure it's seen it, but in my be a good
topic for your podcast. And so it's somebody that wrote
(07:06):
I think I destroyed our relationship trying to compliment my boyfriend.
So this is a woman writing this online. My boyfriend
and I are both twenty eight years old and together
for two and a half years. Yesterday night we were
Last night, we were drinking and one thing led to another,
and I tried to compliment him by saying he is
not someone who I would hook up with or be
(07:27):
a friends with benefits with. But Mary, I thought everything
was fine, but he seemed extremely distraught. After that, I
realized how he understood it and tried to clarify it,
but it seemed but he is still the same. This
morning he told me that he needs space to think
for a while and left the house. All my friends
tell me I messed it up, and guys tell me
(07:48):
it's not a compliment and most men will understand it differently.
I think I destroyed our relationship and panicking right now.
So what's your take on it?
Speaker 3 (07:57):
Well, here's my take.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
To be brutally honest, I would understand even if I
were upset, and once you explained to me what you meant,
I completely get what she's trying to say. It's not
that she's not sexually attracted to him.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
She is.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
It's not that she doesn't think he's hot.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
She does.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
She just thinks more of him than just a hookup.
So there's emotions involved. But even I'm going to say
this now, this is going to be brutal, I think,
and I hope I'm wrong, but this guy should understand
after she explains it, and if he doesn't and now
he needs space, there's more going on, yeah than just that.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
I totally agree with that, because I was like, what
that seems a bit extreme.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
It's very extreme.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
So I hope for her sake it's not maybe I'm wrong,
maybe you're wrong. Yeah, but I don't think that we are.
I think that there is more going on, and I
think she needs to look at that. I mean, if
this dude comes back, say, you know, a day or
two later and goes, look, I was an idiot, I'm sorry.
I totally get it.
Speaker 3 (08:53):
I love you. That's different.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
But if it goes on for too long, to me,
that is just an excuse to I don't know.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
There's more going on.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Yeah, yeah, I agree. And so then Brian shared this
one response of somebody online said from a dude, the
girlfriend here meant well and intended it as a compliment,
but I could totally see why the boyfriend felt hurt
by it. To him, it feels like she's telling him
he's the boring.
Speaker 4 (09:20):
Choice she's settling for after having fun with sexier, cooler guys,
and that taps into something deep that's interesting to me,
Like that boring interpretation never crossed my mind, and I
feel like it's.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
So missing the mark of how most women, if they
would say something like this me, it means you are safe,
you are trustworthy, you support me, We have depth of
emotional connection. We also then have you know, ideally sexual
chemistry and we attracted to each other. But like you
have this depth of who you are and who you
(09:55):
are for me, that you're somebody I would marry and
not somebody that I would like dismiss mentally, emotionally and
just want to get some sexual gratification from. But to me,
that has nothing to do with boring. Like you could
have somebody who's stable and reliable and trustworthy and still
be a totally freaking fun person.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
So I'm with you on what you just said one
hundred percent. There is one caveat, and I don't unless
there's more to this. The only way that I would
take it the way that that person just said, I
would take it as boring and you're not that this
and that you're not exciting is if they've already in
this relationship stopped having sex. If they've stopped having sex
(10:40):
and you say that, then it's kind of like yeah,
as a guy, I would be like, wait, what Other
than that, I don't take it that way at all, yes,
or if.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
You have been told in your past, because I feel
like everybody is projecting their own shit into this and
like so like even the person that wrote that that, like, oh,
is interman, is that he's that she's saying he's boring?
Like I think no, armand dorma Luski on x, that's
(11:10):
who wrote that post. I think that guy maybe has
been told he's boring before or has an insecurity about it,
and therefore that's why he read that into it.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Maybe I don't know, but without armand Dormluski whatever, man,
it seems to me you've been getting laid quite a bit.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
So I don't know if he has that kind of problem.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
You're like, just saying your name is enough for me.
Speaker 3 (11:29):
Right, what's your name?
Speaker 2 (11:30):
Armand armand.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
Okay check please.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
No, But yeah, I agree with you projecting their own
I think we all do it.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
I mean I don't. I shouldn't say we all. What
most of us do? I I know I have.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Well, what most people don't do is that they don't
realize they're doing it, and they are so sure that
their interpretation is fact instead of realizing its interpretation.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
You know, I absolutely agree with that one hundred percent.
I remember back in the day, and now I do
stand by this. I will tell you that way back
in the day girlfriend of mine. I was enamored with her.
I at the time would have married her had she
said let's go. Does not mean I regret where I'm
out in my life. Now I don't. But at that
time I was really in love. This woman was great,
(12:16):
and we were sitting on the front lawn of my
house and I remember her and now there had already
been indications though here's the caveat that I was putting
her on a pedestal and I was doing so much
for her, and just I think in your twenties, you're
not going to respect the other person if you've got
insecurities yourself. Because why would they love me this much?
(12:39):
Why is he who I thought was so hot? Because
that's the story I got later, you know, treating me
like a queen like this. But what she said to
me was she just goes, I'm content, and to me,
I went content. I didn't say this, I went out okay.
But I took that as a complete like, I'm not
(13:00):
super hot for you, I'm not in love with you.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
I'm not.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
That's exactly how I took all of that, based on
our past couple of months, and so it led me
to to later.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
On I just asked her what the word content meant
to her.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
I don't remember. This is what's weird. I don't remember
what I said after that. I just know that I
wasn't a jerk or anything. I was just no, I
do remember, that's right, this is coming back to me.
We took a drive in my jeep and it upset
me a little bit. I'm like, hey, so content, I mean,
you know, just just content and she's.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Like, well, yeah, you know.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
And then that's when we did get into you know,
her like, well, you know, you put me on this
pedestal and I don't know, you just treat me like that.
And I went and I do remember this now, and
I said, I forget what she said. I said, well,
look are you saying you want to see other people?
Somehow we got to that and she said, I don't
have anybody in mind, but but you know, like I
(13:51):
don't know maybe, and I go and I just looked
at it. I go, I go, you know what f that?
I go, You're mine. And the funny thing is, I'd
never been like that before. I was so happy, go lucky,
pass it, doing everything for like everything. Yeah, it actually
kind of turned her on. She goes, well, where was
all of this before?
Speaker 2 (14:09):
And I, Oh, she wanted you to be like possessive.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
That's what's funny about Listen, I'm telling you, doctor Jen.
At that age sometimes yes, but not overboard and so right, well,
that's what.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Because I know it's the whole idea that like, oh,
somebody's jealous.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
That's so romantic, right, unless it's overboard. Nless, it's all
the time and they can't get over it, that kind
of thing every move you make, right, And I've been
through that too before, not from my well, from my
into but from an ext that was the stripper.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
Oh my god, she was nuts.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
At first I was like, oh, she's really into me,
and then it was like she's psycho. But either way,
this other girl, Yeah, that was that's when I made
the decision that she is just not as into me,
not even close as I was into her. So I
was like, hey, I'm gonna let you go. And it
was painful. God, that sucked.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Oh yeah, I mean that's it's glad you had the
self respect to do it.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
Yeah, I mean I at that time, in that moment, yes,
I just was not going to settle for someone that
I was so into who was not into me. But
again back to this email, I do not think from
the female side that that's what that was at all.
I'm with you one hundred percent unless there was no intimacy.
(15:26):
Otherwise that was just a total compliment. And I think
he's got some things he's got to deal with.
Speaker 5 (15:30):
Yeah's interesting because it's like, we do you know the
version of romantic intimacy and marriage that has been cultivated
in the past, probably about one hundred years or so
in the United States, really, and it didn't exist before.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Really, is this idea that your romantic partner and then
your future spouse should be all the things that we
should be, all the things they should be, all the
things they should be. They should be the friends with
benefits that we'd want to hook up with and have
crazy nights butt, and they should be stable and reliable
and trustworthy. And we should have all these hobbies in common,
(16:11):
and we should want to watch the same shows, and
we should be able to have the depth of emotional
and vulnerable conversation that we want, and we should parent
in the same way. And and it's just kind of
endless and almost impossible.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
It is God, I that I know is that and so.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Your feelings fulfilled in that way, Clint, and you think
you're that person, but it puts you know, it puts
a lot of pressure on relationships and on ourselves and
on our partners. So figuring out how to you know,
in a healthy way to be like no, you know what,
(16:53):
Like you have this person in your life that that
is really good for this, or you have this group
of guys that's good for this, or goodest group of women.
And yes, of course I want to hear about these things,
but I think they're better suited give you the support
you need, or these people are better suited to go
wine tasting with you because you love wine and you
love staying out late. And so I mean, you've got
to compromise and make sure you already you always are,
(17:14):
you know, doing meaningful quality time things together and cultivating
your life together and working on communication and connection. But
like it's okay to have other people, you know, it
takes a village and that's okay instead of putting all
of the weight on one person to fulfill all of
these things in your life.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Yeah, I mean I think I've always go by the
eighty twenty rule. We've talked about that before, where eighty
percent good, twenty percent not. And I think I think
that's a decent balance. I mean, but no one's ever
going to be a hindre percent. That's just my opinion.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, things like that, like thinking eighty twenty.
Some of it depends on like how do you how
do you measure things? How do you wait things? Because
maybe you're like, wow, we only have one thing that's
not working for us, and all these other things are amazing,
but that one thing actually means a toun to me
and weighs heavier than other things. So I guess it
(18:08):
would just depend on how people measure that for themselves.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Yeah, and I didn't actually think about it in those terms.
But of course, once again you throw the smarts into
this conversation, and now I'm gone, huh, she's.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Right, yeah, because it's not like a one like you
just have a list and each thing counts for you know,
one point, you could easily have something you're like, this
does matter to me, however these other things rank higher
so and that you know could change with age and priorities,
and you know, empty nusters those are different. You know,
you're not focusing on running the household and the kids
(18:41):
and all of that in the same way. So it's
a time to reassess what your priorities and your needs
and your desires are for the next, you know, thirty
years together. So do you feel like you guys are
doing that in your marriage right now?
Speaker 1 (18:56):
I mean, yeah, yeah, we're well again, most of it,
not all of it. And you're right now I'm thinking, okay, well,
what outweighs what one thing or what part of that
outweighs the other?
Speaker 3 (19:06):
You know what I mean in importance? I mean for me.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Yeah, no, that's a great question. Yeah, I think we
are for the most part.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
I mean you're having those conversations.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Yeah, yeah, we're talking about oh yeah, yeah, oh, just
thinking about that now.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
Good.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
Uh. You know, I'm starting work here in about five
minutes and we're at about twenty minutes now, even though
I love talking longer, So maybe that is our cue
to step out. But I value you, doctor Jen, and
I can't wait until we talk again. And by the way,
I could never have a one night stand with you.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
Why I'm relationship materials.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
See, you took the compliments and you trashed it.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
They no, yeah, that's yeah, no, that's just felt awkward.
That's just felt awkward, uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it that way. Geez.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Well, it's ever when I can't see your face too
because around the because you're in studio.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Yeah, and I will tell our listeners too, because I
had another one of our folks that likes to write
in and gives us great topics. I was going to
cover that topic, but it had you know, it was
more sexual themed. Because you're in studio and always afraid
that something could end up on air by accident, I
shied away from that this time.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
All right, then how about next week we'll do it
and I'll make sure we're on the zoom and I'll
be at home.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Oh yeah, sounds great, Thank you? Cool? All right, I'm
I'm happy for you to be back to afternoon, So
have a great show this afternoon.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
It's a better schedule for me, and thank you.
Doctor Jen, How is your Friday going thus far?
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Good? It's hot here in San Diego.
Speaker 3 (00:08):
It is a bit warm.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
It is one hundred and four in Sante yesterday and
I think one hundred and two right now, I believe
in Santy today.
Speaker 4 (00:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Oh well, I just looked up Pacific Beach and it's
seventy nine. But that is very hot.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
For the beach town and for writers.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
I we have like eighty percent humidity.
Speaker 4 (00:28):
So that's that's the thing.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
It is us that we're not used to.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
That is true. That is true.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Any discomfort at all for you people out near the beach,
and I did.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
Mean you people.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
I played beach volleyball last night for two hours and
it was so humid. Ye were cautiful sunset that way.
It was seriously was though. I don't remember the sand
ever sticking to me that much in my clothes, and
I was like, oh my gosh, we're not used to
that out here.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Okay, Well that answered that question because I asked if
you were naked, but you weren't.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Oh, playing beach volleyball. Yeah, you said you've done that
before only at black speech once. Yeah, but that's not
my in the volleyball was not very good. I play
like good volleyball with people who are good volleyball players.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
So, oh, are you pretty serious about it?
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yeah, oh yeah, you don't know. Yeah, I only play
two persons, so beach volleyball, so like you got to
you can't half ass when you've only got when you're
covering half the court.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
I didn't realize you did that.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Oh yeah, it's one of my favorite things too.
Speaker 4 (01:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
I actually a lot of this summer I missed the
group I play with just because I was traveling and
had work conflicts. And then now I played, I realized
I was like, oh my god, why is my back
so sore? I played three times in six days. So yeah,
I would, you know, just a group and we set
up our own nests and play and we're mostly you know,
late forties, fifties, and but yeah, we only we solely
(01:53):
played two on two, so you've got to be and
we've got we only play on men's nest, which means
I can't swing or do anything, and so you know,
and some of the men, well you know, can pound
the ball down. But yeah, it's great, one of my
favorite things.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
Well that's awesome, Yes it is.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
So you are officially an empty nester.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Oh yes, well okay, so yes, technically, but I must
tell you that my boys, Dylan and Gavin are both
home this weekend as of last night. So Dylan is
home for his professional show in Oceanside called Stranger Sings,
which is a I think it's the ocean Side Playhouse
that it's a parody of Stranger Things. He is Michael
or Mike Funny. Yeah, so he's a big part and
(02:36):
he's doing so well with that. But he's so he's here.
And then Gavin is at Fullerton, so an hour and
a half away with no traffic, and he came in
last night his girlfriend Maya, who is home for the
summer from Stanford, who just finished an internship from Monterey Bay.
It's as she is just a smart person, man, she
is smart as a whip. But but she is home
for the next three weeks. So he of course will
(02:58):
be home on the weekend. But once October twenty first
hits and Dylan's show is done, he will go back
to school. Gavin will have already been back to school.
We will officially be well, we are official, but we
will literally be empty.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Nestary literally will be there except you too.
Speaker 4 (03:16):
Yeah, yeah, how are you feeling about that?
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Oh strange. I love when they're home. I love when
they're home. I don't know when or if I'll ever
get used to it.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
People tell me I will, but hey, it's the next
chapter in their lives, you know, And and it's a
good thing. I thank god that there, that they are
pursuing their passion so amazing.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Yeah, yeah, but it's it's weird.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
You did your job to help them fly.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
Yeah, I mean.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
My pocket books still doing some job. But ye, yes,
well thanks for asking about what they're doing.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
Well, you know, it's funny.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Gavin just told me about an exercise that he did
in a classroom with his professor and he loves this professor,
loves this person. And he said that a few weeks
ago he had said, Hey, we're going to have you
guys in socks.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
It's a team building.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
A lesson, and you guys are going to have to
have two partners help one blindfolded partner, and you have
to guide them physically, in other words, from either side
of this little walking his path, and they have to
avoid stepping on mouse traps. And I said to him,
(04:28):
I go, just so you know, he's just doing that
to scare you. There's no way he is legally going
to put mouse traps, active mouse traps on the floor
with you having nothing but socks. He goes, Yeah, that's
kind of what I thought too, he goes, But I
do wonder, he goes. Then I asked him and he said, no, No,
they're real. And he said, I think you still just
messing with me. So it was real.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
They actually did it.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Nobody nobody got zapped, nobody got snapped. But I said
to him, I said, my god, how does he get
away with that? And I'm not even gonna question it.
Gavin loved it. He said it was so much fun,
he said. You know, he said, and after doing it,
I realized would be so much harder to let somebody,
if you're not paying attention, let somebody actually get snapped
by the trap than it is to have them avoid it.
(05:09):
That's the whole team building exercise. Look out for your
teammates and yeah, and.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
How to do it, and how to communicate clearly, how
to work as a team, how to put someone else's
interests above your like all sorts of stuff.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
It's great, Yeah, but.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
He said, he was so I was racking his nerves
watching one other team of the other of the other teams,
because he said about three or four times on that
path that course, he thought, oh my god, he's going
to step on it. They're not going to help them. Well, no,
he didn't do it.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
But so.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
You know what, I'm imagining doing this at a couple's
retreats for couples who are just like on the verge
of divorce, right, and how they'd be like, yeah, no, no,
I think he needs to step on this. I need
I think he needs to feel the pain I've been feeling.
I could totally see. It's this very like resentful way
of being passive aggressive, and you want to hurt your partner.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
And I think that would be a great indicator of
whether or not you should stay married.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Yes, that's yes, very good. Okay, that's my next venture.
I'm gonna go get the U r L now. Anyway,
mouse trap marriage something.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Yeah, if you've if you're at the point in your
marriage where you've reached the mouse trap, the mousetrap marathon.
This is do or die.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
My god, that'd be so fun to put something like
that together. Yes, it would, but I don't want to
deal with couples that are on the verge of divorce,
because that is sticky and not fun.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
And you don't want to deal with couples who would
sue you if they step.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
On the mouse trap.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Yeah. Yeah, we got the whole legality thing too. Yeah,
I have a good topic for you.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
My friend Brian, who listens to the show sometimes and
we've done shout outs to him before, he wrote this
to me. This is actually almost a month ago he
wrote it. He texted to me and he said, Hey,
there's this thing going around like wild on Twitter. Not
sure it's seen it, but in my be a good
topic for your podcast. And so it's somebody that wrote
(07:06):
I think I destroyed our relationship trying to compliment my boyfriend.
So this is a woman writing this online. My boyfriend
and I are both twenty eight years old and together
for two and a half years. Yesterday night we were
Last night, we were drinking and one thing led to another,
and I tried to compliment him by saying he is
not someone who I would hook up with or be
(07:27):
a friends with benefits with. But Mary, I thought everything
was fine, but he seemed extremely distraught. After that, I
realized how he understood it and tried to clarify it,
but it seemed but he is still the same. This
morning he told me that he needs space to think
for a while and left the house. All my friends
tell me I messed it up, and guys tell me
(07:48):
it's not a compliment and most men will understand it differently.
I think I destroyed our relationship and panicking right now.
So what's your take on it?
Speaker 3 (07:57):
Well, here's my take.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
To be brutally honest, I would understand even if I
were upset, and once you explained to me what you meant,
I completely get what she's trying to say. It's not
that she's not sexually attracted to him.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
She is.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
It's not that she doesn't think he's hot.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
She does.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
She just thinks more of him than just a hookup.
So there's emotions involved. But even I'm going to say
this now, this is going to be brutal, I think,
and I hope I'm wrong, but this guy should understand
after she explains it, and if he doesn't and now
he needs space, there's more going on, yeah than just that.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
I totally agree with that, because I was like, what
that seems a bit extreme.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
It's very extreme.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
So I hope for her sake it's not maybe I'm wrong,
maybe you're wrong. Yeah, but I don't think that we are.
I think that there is more going on, and I
think she needs to look at that. I mean, if
this dude comes back, say, you know, a day or
two later and goes, look, I was an idiot, I'm sorry.
I totally get it.
Speaker 3 (08:53):
I love you. That's different.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
But if it goes on for too long, to me,
that is just an excuse to I don't know.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
There's more going on.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Yeah, yeah, I agree. And so then Brian shared this
one response of somebody online said from a dude, the
girlfriend here meant well and intended it as a compliment,
but I could totally see why the boyfriend felt hurt
by it. To him, it feels like she's telling him
he's the boring.
Speaker 4 (09:20):
Choice she's settling for after having fun with sexier, cooler guys,
and that taps into something deep that's interesting to me,
Like that boring interpretation never crossed my mind, and I
feel like it's.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
So missing the mark of how most women, if they
would say something like this me, it means you are safe,
you are trustworthy, you support me, We have depth of
emotional connection. We also then have you know, ideally sexual
chemistry and we attracted to each other. But like you
have this depth of who you are and who you
(09:55):
are for me, that you're somebody I would marry and
not somebody that I would like dismiss mentally, emotionally and
just want to get some sexual gratification from. But to me,
that has nothing to do with boring. Like you could
have somebody who's stable and reliable and trustworthy and still
be a totally freaking fun person.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
So I'm with you on what you just said one
hundred percent. There is one caveat, and I don't unless
there's more to this. The only way that I would
take it the way that that person just said, I
would take it as boring and you're not that this
and that you're not exciting is if they've already in
this relationship stopped having sex. If they've stopped having sex
(10:40):
and you say that, then it's kind of like yeah,
as a guy, I would be like, wait, what Other
than that, I don't take it that way at all, yes,
or if.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
You have been told in your past, because I feel
like everybody is projecting their own shit into this and
like so like even the person that wrote that that, like, oh,
is interman, is that he's that she's saying he's boring?
Like I think no, armand dorma Luski on x, that's
(11:10):
who wrote that post. I think that guy maybe has
been told he's boring before or has an insecurity about it,
and therefore that's why he read that into it.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Maybe I don't know, but without armand Dormluski whatever, man,
it seems to me you've been getting laid quite a bit.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
So I don't know if he has that kind of problem.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
You're like, just saying your name is enough for me.
Speaker 3 (11:29):
Right, what's your name?
Speaker 2 (11:30):
Armand armand.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
Okay check please.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
No, But yeah, I agree with you projecting their own
I think we all do it.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
I mean I don't. I shouldn't say we all. What
most of us do? I I know I have.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Well, what most people don't do is that they don't
realize they're doing it, and they are so sure that
their interpretation is fact instead of realizing its interpretation.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
You know, I absolutely agree with that one hundred percent.
I remember back in the day, and now I do
stand by this. I will tell you that way back
in the day girlfriend of mine. I was enamored with her.
I at the time would have married her had she
said let's go. Does not mean I regret where I'm
out in my life. Now I don't. But at that
time I was really in love. This woman was great,
(12:16):
and we were sitting on the front lawn of my
house and I remember her and now there had already
been indications though here's the caveat that I was putting
her on a pedestal and I was doing so much
for her, and just I think in your twenties, you're
not going to respect the other person if you've got
insecurities yourself. Because why would they love me this much?
(12:39):
Why is he who I thought was so hot? Because
that's the story I got later, you know, treating me
like a queen like this. But what she said to
me was she just goes, I'm content, and to me,
I went content. I didn't say this, I went out okay.
But I took that as a complete like, I'm not
(13:00):
super hot for you, I'm not in love with you.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
I'm not.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
That's exactly how I took all of that, based on
our past couple of months, and so it led me
to to later.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
On I just asked her what the word content meant
to her.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
I don't remember. This is what's weird. I don't remember
what I said after that. I just know that I
wasn't a jerk or anything. I was just no, I
do remember, that's right, this is coming back to me.
We took a drive in my jeep and it upset
me a little bit. I'm like, hey, so content, I mean,
you know, just just content and she's.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Like, well, yeah, you know.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
And then that's when we did get into you know,
her like, well, you know, you put me on this
pedestal and I don't know, you just treat me like that.
And I went and I do remember this now, and
I said, I forget what she said. I said, well,
look are you saying you want to see other people?
Somehow we got to that and she said, I don't
have anybody in mind, but but you know, like I
(13:51):
don't know maybe, and I go and I just looked
at it. I go, I go, you know what f that?
I go, You're mine. And the funny thing is, I'd
never been like that before. I was so happy, go lucky,
pass it, doing everything for like everything. Yeah, it actually
kind of turned her on. She goes, well, where was
all of this before?
Speaker 2 (14:09):
And I, Oh, she wanted you to be like possessive.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
That's what's funny about Listen, I'm telling you, doctor Jen.
At that age sometimes yes, but not overboard and so right, well,
that's what.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Because I know it's the whole idea that like, oh,
somebody's jealous.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
That's so romantic, right, unless it's overboard. Nless, it's all
the time and they can't get over it, that kind
of thing every move you make, right, And I've been
through that too before, not from my well, from my
into but from an ext that was the stripper.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
Oh my god, she was nuts.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
At first I was like, oh, she's really into me,
and then it was like she's psycho. But either way,
this other girl, Yeah, that was that's when I made
the decision that she is just not as into me,
not even close as I was into her. So I
was like, hey, I'm gonna let you go. And it
was painful. God, that sucked.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Oh yeah, I mean that's it's glad you had the
self respect to do it.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
Yeah, I mean I at that time, in that moment, yes,
I just was not going to settle for someone that
I was so into who was not into me. But
again back to this email, I do not think from
the female side that that's what that was at all.
I'm with you one hundred percent unless there was no intimacy.
(15:26):
Otherwise that was just a total compliment. And I think
he's got some things he's got to deal with.
Speaker 5 (15:30):
Yeah's interesting because it's like, we do you know the
version of romantic intimacy and marriage that has been cultivated
in the past, probably about one hundred years or so
in the United States, really, and it didn't exist before.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Really, is this idea that your romantic partner and then
your future spouse should be all the things that we
should be, all the things they should be, all the
things they should be. They should be the friends with
benefits that we'd want to hook up with and have
crazy nights butt, and they should be stable and reliable
and trustworthy. And we should have all these hobbies in common,
(16:11):
and we should want to watch the same shows, and
we should be able to have the depth of emotional
and vulnerable conversation that we want, and we should parent
in the same way. And and it's just kind of
endless and almost impossible.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
It is God, I that I know is that and so.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Your feelings fulfilled in that way, Clint, and you think
you're that person, but it puts you know, it puts
a lot of pressure on relationships and on ourselves and
on our partners. So figuring out how to you know,
in a healthy way to be like no, you know what,
(16:53):
Like you have this person in your life that that
is really good for this, or you have this group
of guys that's good for this, or goodest group of women.
And yes, of course I want to hear about these things,
but I think they're better suited give you the support
you need, or these people are better suited to go
wine tasting with you because you love wine and you
love staying out late. And so I mean, you've got
to compromise and make sure you already you always are,
(17:14):
you know, doing meaningful quality time things together and cultivating
your life together and working on communication and connection. But
like it's okay to have other people, you know, it
takes a village and that's okay instead of putting all
of the weight on one person to fulfill all of
these things in your life.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Yeah, I mean I think I've always go by the
eighty twenty rule. We've talked about that before, where eighty
percent good, twenty percent not. And I think I think
that's a decent balance. I mean, but no one's ever
going to be a hindre percent. That's just my opinion.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, things like that, like thinking eighty twenty.
Some of it depends on like how do you how
do you measure things? How do you wait things? Because
maybe you're like, wow, we only have one thing that's
not working for us, and all these other things are amazing,
but that one thing actually means a toun to me
and weighs heavier than other things. So I guess it
(18:08):
would just depend on how people measure that for themselves.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Yeah, and I didn't actually think about it in those terms.
But of course, once again you throw the smarts into
this conversation, and now I'm gone, huh, she's.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Right, yeah, because it's not like a one like you
just have a list and each thing counts for you know,
one point, you could easily have something you're like, this
does matter to me, however these other things rank higher
so and that you know could change with age and priorities,
and you know, empty nusters those are different. You know,
you're not focusing on running the household and the kids
(18:41):
and all of that in the same way. So it's
a time to reassess what your priorities and your needs
and your desires are for the next, you know, thirty
years together. So do you feel like you guys are
doing that in your marriage right now?
Speaker 1 (18:56):
I mean, yeah, yeah, we're well again, most of it,
not all of it. And you're right now I'm thinking, okay, well,
what outweighs what one thing or what part of that
outweighs the other?
Speaker 3 (19:06):
You know what I mean in importance? I mean for me.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Yeah, no, that's a great question. Yeah, I think we
are for the most part.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
I mean you're having those conversations.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Yeah, yeah, we're talking about oh yeah, yeah, oh, just
thinking about that now.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
Good.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
Uh. You know, I'm starting work here in about five
minutes and we're at about twenty minutes now, even though
I love talking longer, So maybe that is our cue
to step out. But I value you, doctor Jen, and
I can't wait until we talk again. And by the way,
I could never have a one night stand with you.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
Why I'm relationship materials.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
See, you took the compliments and you trashed it.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
They no, yeah, that's yeah, no, that's just felt awkward.
That's just felt awkward, uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it that way. Geez.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Well, it's ever when I can't see your face too
because around the because you're in studio.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Yeah, and I will tell our listeners too, because I
had another one of our folks that likes to write
in and gives us great topics. I was going to
cover that topic, but it had you know, it was
more sexual themed. Because you're in studio and always afraid
that something could end up on air by accident, I
shied away from that this time.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
All right, then how about next week we'll do it
and I'll make sure we're on the zoom and I'll
be at home.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Oh yeah, sounds great, Thank you? Cool? All right, I'm
I'm happy for you to be back to afternoon, So
have a great show this afternoon.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
It's a better schedule for me, and thank you.
Sex Talk with Clint & The Doc News
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