EXIT INTERVIEW

(1996 - 2024) Gina Tunis, prankster and software savant, died yesterday in the waste of her own making. Known mainly as the only non-b*tch daughter to two Swedish parents, Tunis went through the world in full throttle attack mode: hiring unqualified people who were fun, avoiding a criminal record, and disrespecting parking lot spots with cows. Alongside her two friends Shawnie and Dave, Tunis attempted to form a trio and build the ...

(1994 - 2024) Tannen Baum, heir to the Baum Swamp Water Dynasty from Prussia, died last night in front of a Prussian militia while wearing his beautiful purple ermine robe. Baum, known for his Vermont morality and for resurrecting his family's semi-defunct swamp water company, left no stone unturned in his pursuit of spreading Prussian nationalism. Despite turning the National and State Park Ranger System into a breeding ground for...

(2006 - 2024) Miami Wednesday, one of the last high schoolers from Schenoodle, Ohio, passed away last night far from home. Famed for being the only teenager in Schenoodle, Ohio to smoke pot, Miami was born destined to be in Boston, struggling for the whole of her short life to get to the East Coast. Despite her fascination with hair and makeup, Miami was trapped by both the pastoral confines of rural Ohio, and the shadow of her wig...

(1999 - 2024) Patricia Avocado, semi-famous YouTuber and "man on the street", passed away last night in front of her almost 1000 family members and a few crusted pieces of frozen Stouffers Mac n' Cheese. Despite wandering around grad schools for years, Avocado was a self-taught filmmaker and interviewer known for her quick wit and totally unrelated questions. She will be remembered for proving the famous Dr. Peanut theory that ever...

( ∞ -  ∞+73) Noah, the dude from the Ark, passed away like 5 millennia ago after marrying off every single potential species of animal in semi-alphabetical order. Known as an acquaintance then a work friend then as a friend-friend to God, Noah spent his life searching for connections with men his age. Despite a robust social life playing Olde Rugby, Noah often felt alone and abandoned by his peers - seeking comfort and solace at ho...

(1990 - 2024) Ava Marcus, known for knowing everyone, passed away this morning on the island of Arach-No - alongside 1,000 spiky creatures, Michael Phelps, and a handful of high-powered bank executives. As an entrepreneur / kneecap separation advocate, Ava developed a type of sparkling water using every spiky fruit known to humankind. She will be remembered by her micropenis boyfriend who will not be named, her best friend Marissa,...

(17yrs before 1964 - 2024) Gladys McKnight, famed divorcée from the state of Ohio, passed away last night at the place where her life truly began: Billy's Biker Bar. After splitting from husbands Karl, Sir Ian, and Petey (and wives Jennifer and Michelle), Gladys eventually found long-term love in her long-term mentor Johnny - whose five tattooed rules Gladys lived by until the day she died. Despite always running away, Gladys never...

(1966 - 2024) Craig Foibles, famed woodworker who won recognition for his life-size replicas of weapons of antiquity, passed away in an exceptionally unnatural way last night on the boat he built for his mother. Encouraged from a young age with a hefty parental investment, Foibles wandered his way into an industry that valued the artistry of his woodwork more than the functionality. Despite his frequent pushbacks against being infl...

(1982 - 2008) Emerald Smithstein, politically persuadable choir singer from Dubuque, passed away last night beneath the stars and stripes of the Iowa Caucuses. An academic gem, Smithstein studied both electioneering-avoidance and connotation-linguistics at the University of Iowa, eventually blending the two to form a unique political foundation that helped guide her through the tough presidential decisions of the early 2000's. She ...