Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, call Nick Swartzner playing the Egg on Sunday.
He's in my old hometown of Concor, New Hampshire tonight.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And he's a fellow Minnesotan's from your.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Estate to your home state.
Speaker 3 (00:10):
Hello, do wrong again? Really?
Speaker 2 (00:15):
They must hate you at the house.
Speaker 4 (00:16):
Huh what they just text? Why isn't it ringing? Who
wants a great question?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
I don't know. Let's try it again.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Hello, darling, you use nine?
Speaker 5 (00:33):
Get out?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
There are drives most of the time. Rights a king
of the backseat driver? I bet.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Hey, what's up? Can you hear me?
Speaker 4 (00:43):
We can hear you, Nick. How are you?
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Man? I'm awesome? How are you?
Speaker 5 (00:48):
We're psyched to talk to you, Nick schwartzon coming to
the Egg on Sunday. You're from Quinn, my partner's home
state of Minnesota. Nick, you're playing my home state of
New Hampshire. Uh soon, How you doing, man?
Speaker 3 (00:59):
I'm good man. So this is just one big homecoming
for everybody.
Speaker 4 (01:03):
He really is.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Where in Minnesota are you from?
Speaker 3 (01:06):
I'm from Saint Paul, So for people listening, that's the
Twin City.
Speaker 5 (01:12):
Yes, that's your hot dish of choice, just hot and
in a dish.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
I haven't had hot dish in forever, but I have
had diarrhea, so I don't know. I got to figure
that out. But yeah, it's funny how when I moved
out of Minnesota and then I got I like spicy
food if they don't like spicy food in Minnesota. So
it's pretty funny when I dump hot sauce all over something,
and then when I go home, people are like, oh no,
(01:43):
that hurts my.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Bot you find your I go home to Minnesota, I
find like I'm too much for Minnesota and are you
too much for people?
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Back away too much.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
I've been kicked off the dinner table as an adult
as a child, but I've been asked to eve and
I've been asked to get a hotel because I just like, yeah,
they're very They're very reserved and very polite, very Scandinavian,
a lot of sweet let me.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Into his house.
Speaker 5 (02:14):
But Nick, you, they must be proud of you when
you come home to Minnesota though, right, yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
They get fired up. Yeah it's great. But also like
I don't drink as much as I used to, but
I remember they can drink so like a cartoonish amount,
and I drank everywhere I haven't. I don't think I've
ever drank in New Hampshire, but I'm sure they could
challenge that. But yeah, it's funny like that. Just that
Nordic root you can drink cartoonishly.
Speaker 4 (02:41):
It's insane, big beers.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
It glicks, Yeah, exactly, glicks is great.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
Hey, I just I know it's a it's it's old.
Speaker 5 (02:49):
You probably told it. But just recap your COVID story.
I heard you went on vacation ended up staying at a
resort for ten months.
Speaker 4 (02:57):
Is that right?
Speaker 3 (02:58):
No, that's wrong. It's not far off, but it's way
far off.
Speaker 4 (03:04):
Okay, straight, set me straight.
Speaker 3 (03:07):
So during COD before COVID, I had booked a vacation
to Key West. I was always kind of curious about
Key West. I had seen it in movies and TV
and stuff like that, and so I was like, oh,
I'll just go on a vacation. Normally that's geared around
a gig, but I'm like, I don't want to do
a gig. It's want to go on vacation. So I
booked a pre COVID so December twenty nineteen, and then
(03:28):
COVID hit and everything was crazy and the murder hornets
and Aliens and it was just crazy, and so I
totally forgot about it. And then Expeedio reminded me in
the spring and it was like, hey, are you ready
for Key West? And I was like, oh my god,
totally forgot about it. So I called the resort. This
was like in the early June of twenty twenty, and
(03:50):
I go, hey, are you guys open and they go, yeah,
we open on June second. And my plane landed June third,
So I was like okay. So I flew in through Charleston,
South Carolina, hung out with my friend Danny McBride. I'm sure,
you know, absolutely, and I was gonna so I was like,
part of me was gonna live in Charleston. So Danny's like,
(04:10):
you gotta move here, man, come on live Charleston. So
I go, okay, I'm gonna pop over to Key West
because I have a ten day vacation and then I'll
come back. And then so I went down to Key
West and I stayed for a year and a half
at the same hotel.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
My greatest fear of going to Key West.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
It was psychotic. And then everybody, so many people I
met down there, had done the same thing. They were like, yeah,
we came here on our honeymoon from Michigan and then
we just came right back. We've been here for like
twelve years.
Speaker 4 (04:43):
What did you do? Did you? Were you drinking back then?
Speaker 3 (04:46):
I got I was drunk every day NonStop for a
year and a half.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
How did you get out of there?
Speaker 3 (04:54):
It was insanity? But it was amazing, Like it was
just there was no worries, there was no care. It
was like watching the world like everything was chaos, except
there music. Every night. Every night it would go. I
remember I paid seven hundred dollars in cash for a
guy to play Country Road by John Denver, and he
(05:14):
was like, I already played it like ten minutes ago,
and I I just showed up and he played again,
and I got into a bidding war with a woman
that wanted to hear Sweet Caroline, and we got up
to seven hundred dollars. I paid seven hundred dollars.
Speaker 5 (05:27):
So clearly COVID brain or something.
Speaker 4 (05:30):
Hey Tyson or Jake Paul.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
But what.
Speaker 4 (05:36):
Mike Tyson or Jake Paul in the fight?
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Oh my gosh, I mean I'm gonna go with Tyson?
Speaker 5 (05:42):
Yeah, right, do you kind of hope Jake Paul dies,
I don't lit.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
Yess upon anyone except no, I'm kidding. I'm I'm I
forgot that that was finally happening. Happening should have been postponed, ye,
And I hope it doesn't interfere with my show because
I want to watch it, but are maybe I'll watch
it on stage. I'll be a terry Town, which I
(06:07):
think was named after my character from Reno andnlan One.
Speaker 5 (06:09):
Oh yeah, well, I mean, how late is your set
because it'll probably be the last fight around eleven o'clock.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
Well, my set will now be five minutes, so the
show will start at seven point thirty. I'll dismount about
seven forty five. My opener will do two minutes. Hey, yeah,
I should be fine.
Speaker 5 (06:26):
He's talking about the Terry Town show. We're talking about
the Albany show at the Egg.
Speaker 3 (06:30):
I know, I'm excited to come back to Albany. I
love the Egg so bizarre. I'll never forget performing there
for the first time. And I thought I'd gone through
like some time warp and I was in like some
weird futuristic I mean it's so bizarre. I mean it's
it's truly an anomaly of America like.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
An Ethan Hawk movie.
Speaker 5 (06:47):
I liked that they call the small there's two two
stages there. The smaller ones called the yoke, which I
think that's cool.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
Yeah, that's cool, and then the overall thing is called
uh butt plug for David spad Hey, Nick, I heard
the entire property.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
What but it's perfect. I heard you, Uh, I heard
you were talking a lot of smack about the Vikings
like I was when they were five.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
And oh I wasn't talking smack. I was just I
was on Rich Eisen and he walked me through the
schedule and I had this blind confidence and I was
like yeah, and then I picked us to lose to
the Jaguars. That was going to be our first loss,
and we almost did. But we all I mean, we
could have beat the Rams and the Lions. Those are
only two losses.
Speaker 5 (07:33):
I don't know if you could beat the Lions any
day this season, Nick, Sorry, I better.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
We almost just did. You don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
You to the Minnesota family when you're talking about Lions
like that.
Speaker 5 (07:47):
Listen, I'm a Patriot fan. We have years and decades
of dominance and championships, so you don't almost beat anybody,
You either beat them or you don't.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
Sorry, No, I get that, but I'm saying you can
also go. Oh were we blown out? I mean, I
don't know if you know how football work. There's a
difference between losing fifty to three and twenty three to twenty.
You know what I mean? You can't and you're an
insane person? And how are you allowed to off? There?
You go?
Speaker 4 (08:15):
Hey, Nick, choice and.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
Jacket belts all over.
Speaker 4 (08:19):
It is your mom's cat, Snowy still alive.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
No, I can't believe you brought that up. Snow He
just died two days ago.
Speaker 5 (08:26):
Oh my god, dude, we just some of that clip
on the air two days ago.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Yeah, died two days ago, and nobody knows how. No
one killed itself And I'm kidding, yeah, but no, it
did pass away.
Speaker 4 (08:43):
So sorry to hear that you have any animals yourself?
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Did what you have any animals yourself?
Speaker 3 (08:51):
Now? I wish I traveled too much? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (08:53):
Right, what would you have do?
Speaker 3 (08:56):
What?
Speaker 5 (08:57):
What would you have if you could have any pet
of choice? You're not a python guy?
Speaker 3 (09:01):
No, I don't know why you went right there. It
was really homo erotic and weird. No, you know, just
like anybody, and I'll bino giraffe. You know what I mean.
I'm just simple. I'm a simple man. No, I like
dogs and cats. I would love. My goal is to
like to retire and then just open a compound, like
almost like a shelter. Wh're just cats and dogs everywhere,
(09:24):
a couple of bino giraffes. I love that.
Speaker 4 (09:26):
I could smell the piss from here.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
By the way, I just tweeted, I was like, I'm
always curious because I'm like, is anybody going to beat
the Chiefs this year? I mean, they're they're beatable, but
you know, they're always pulled that weird voodoo nonsense, somehow
pull these games out of their genitals.
Speaker 5 (09:47):
I picked him to lose. I bet them to lose
to Denver. Now they did lose, but they almost won
according to you.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
Yes exactly, but no, I thought Denver was gonna give
them trouble, and they did. They should have won that game.
I wanted to bar.
Speaker 4 (10:04):
I could talk football you all day.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Man.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
I like you, Nick Swardson, You're fine.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
I like you. I like you and your pison.
Speaker 5 (10:10):
Oh sorry, sir, good lard, Hey, real quick, who is
a better dresser? You were Adam Sandler it's tough.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
Oh my god, that's a draw. That's a real that's
a real tough. That's really funny because I mean usually
my favorite is like we would go to certain places
and events where it was like you had to wear
pants in a suit and everything, and Adam just not
as like an fu to those establishments. He just doesn't
(10:42):
want to dress like that, you know what I mean.
So it was great because I dressed like that anyway.
So we just Adam and I are really close friends
on many levels, but like creatively and stuff like that.
But for our wardrobe it was awesome. Like I wear
shorts on stage. I mean it's you know, I'm chill.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
That's the best part about doing that gig, you know. Yeah, Hey,
it's the Spade David. How's David Spade doing.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
David's good. Yeah, David's solid. Yeah, he's surviving the game.
Speaker 4 (11:11):
Is he so loaded?
Speaker 2 (11:12):
He's so loaded, isn't he?
Speaker 3 (11:14):
What do you mean drunk? No?
Speaker 4 (11:17):
I mean that's my favorite.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
He had like sixteen straight years of TV. Have a
TV series he's gotta have.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
Yeah, yeah, David does. Okay, Yeah, my favorite thing is
when David drinks so because he's such like a little
lawn gnome and his tolerance is the exact opposite of Minnesota.
So he'll have like two maybe three cocktails and he's out. No,
you know, he's like sitting there sipping with his little
Jack Daniels in a thin bowl or whatever, and he's
(11:46):
he cannot do it. And he you know, we we've
always done Vegas together. So it's like funny because Sandlers
sometimes is the same way. Well, they'll be they'll leave
like it look go home at like ten thirty or
eleven at night. Yeah, And I'm like, that's just when
you get started, you know what I mean, that's just
when you're starting.
Speaker 4 (12:06):
When did you cut back or what made you cut back.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
It's been a little over three months since I've had
a drink, and I just I just have too much
to deal with right now. And the older you get,
I'm like, I just can't, you know, with this tour
is massive. I'm doing another special, I've got two scripts
I just finished, and I've got two more i'm working on,
and I just kind of would rather pedal to the metal,
(12:32):
you know what I mean, and get all this stuff going.
Comedy needs help. There's not a lot of good comedies
out right, now love me. So I was the main
writer of Grandma's Boy, bench Warmers, Bucky Larson, all these
nonsense craziness, and I just want more of that out
there before I die. I won.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
You're more of a actually more of a sketch comic
fan than even even stand up back in the day.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
Now, yeah, back then, I was a huge Ironically, I
was a big Saturday Night Live fan. So I grew
up watching stan Ler and Spade and Schneider and all
those guys. Farley and my good friend Norm MacDonald, who
I talk about on stage when you come to the show.
I've got a couple of Norm stories that I really love.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
I love that and that I saw it on the online.
Maybe do it on it, but.
Speaker 5 (13:18):
You talk with There's a baseball story when Norm's supposed
to meet you at a bar to watch baseball and
just leaves you hung out to dry and then I
think you had to stumble home hammered, right, something like that.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
No, So what happened was yeah, no, that's no, it's close.
So this is before Uber, Okay, So there was a
triple header baseball game. I go to the bar at
noon at the beginning of the first game, and I
hit up Norm and I go, hey, I'm going to
the bar. I just got here and I downed a
couple of shots. I go meet me here and he goes, ah, yeah,
(13:52):
how are you gonna be there? And I go, well,
I'm here now, I'm gonna watch three baseball games. Just
meet me and he goes all right, I can't pick
me up and I go no, I'm parrety drank. I
don't want to drink it dry, and he goes all right,
I'll take a taxi. So one game goes by, no norm,
two games goes by it no norm. Three games go
by and baseball long.
Speaker 4 (14:14):
Before the pitch.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
So I'm in like the spirit world. I mean, I've
drank heavy for like nine hours. So I'm leaving the
bar at like nine thirty at night and no one's
walking in and I go, dude, what where have you been?
And he goes, yeah, yeah, sorry, I had to do laundry.
And I'm like, laundry for nine hours? Would you run
(14:35):
an orphanage? What are you talking about? And he goes
so you're leaving what? And I'm like yeah, I can't
walk or see I mean yeah. So you talking me
to having one more beer and then I went home. Yeah.
But I mean that's like how he was all the time,
(14:56):
Like you never knew, you know. Like I remember we
were doing on tour, me and Standler in Spade and
Rob and Norm is supposed to beat us and meet us,
meet us in Orlando and he doesn't show up and
the show is that night and we're like, hey, Norman,
where are you And he goes, what do you mean?
And we're like, we're in Orlando, we have a show
night and he goes, ah, that is that today? And
(15:20):
we're like yeah, We're all in a text thread two
days before. Norm said hey, I'll see you guys in Orlando.
So I scream shot it and posted on the thread. Yeah,
like you know we were going to Orlando. And he goes, ah,
yeah that's right. Yeah, yeah, that has a flu. And
we're like, well, did you forget Orlando? Do you have
(15:42):
the flu? It was like good God, He's always.
Speaker 5 (15:46):
Well listen man, we hope you kick ass on the
toilet Head Tour. We can't wait for you to come
to town. We'll see you at the egg on on
Sunday night. And stay in touch touch Nick All right, I.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Love it man, you guys are the best. Go Python.
Speaker 4 (16:00):
Next, morth And it's Quinny.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Get there.
Speaker 4 (16:01):
Picks one.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
I was sick.
All right, call Nick Swartzner playing the Egg on Sunday.
He's in my old hometown of Concor, New Hampshire tonight.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And he's a fellow Minnesotan's from your.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Estate to your home state.
Speaker 3 (00:10):
Hello, do wrong again? Really?
Speaker 2 (00:15):
They must hate you at the house.
Speaker 4 (00:16):
Huh what they just text? Why isn't it ringing? Who
wants a great question?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
I don't know. Let's try it again.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Hello, darling, you use nine?
Speaker 5 (00:33):
Get out?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
There are drives most of the time. Rights a king
of the backseat driver? I bet.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Hey, what's up? Can you hear me?
Speaker 4 (00:43):
We can hear you, Nick. How are you?
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Man? I'm awesome? How are you?
Speaker 5 (00:48):
We're psyched to talk to you, Nick schwartzon coming to
the Egg on Sunday. You're from Quinn, my partner's home
state of Minnesota. Nick, you're playing my home state of
New Hampshire. Uh soon, How you doing, man?
Speaker 3 (00:59):
I'm good man. So this is just one big homecoming
for everybody.
Speaker 4 (01:03):
He really is.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Where in Minnesota are you from?
Speaker 3 (01:06):
I'm from Saint Paul, So for people listening, that's the
Twin City.
Speaker 5 (01:12):
Yes, that's your hot dish of choice, just hot and
in a dish.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
I haven't had hot dish in forever, but I have
had diarrhea, so I don't know. I got to figure
that out. But yeah, it's funny how when I moved
out of Minnesota and then I got I like spicy
food if they don't like spicy food in Minnesota. So
it's pretty funny when I dump hot sauce all over something,
and then when I go home, people are like, oh no,
(01:43):
that hurts my.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Bot you find your I go home to Minnesota, I
find like I'm too much for Minnesota and are you
too much for people?
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Back away too much.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
I've been kicked off the dinner table as an adult
as a child, but I've been asked to eve and
I've been asked to get a hotel because I just like, yeah,
they're very They're very reserved and very polite, very Scandinavian,
a lot of sweet let me.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Into his house.
Speaker 5 (02:14):
But Nick, you, they must be proud of you when
you come home to Minnesota though, right, yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
They get fired up. Yeah it's great. But also like
I don't drink as much as I used to, but
I remember they can drink so like a cartoonish amount,
and I drank everywhere I haven't. I don't think I've
ever drank in New Hampshire, but I'm sure they could
challenge that. But yeah, it's funny like that. Just that
Nordic root you can drink cartoonishly.
Speaker 4 (02:41):
It's insane, big beers.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
It glicks, Yeah, exactly, glicks is great.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
Hey, I just I know it's a it's it's old.
Speaker 5 (02:49):
You probably told it. But just recap your COVID story.
I heard you went on vacation ended up staying at a
resort for ten months.
Speaker 4 (02:57):
Is that right?
Speaker 3 (02:58):
No, that's wrong. It's not far off, but it's way
far off.
Speaker 4 (03:04):
Okay, straight, set me straight.
Speaker 3 (03:07):
So during COD before COVID, I had booked a vacation
to Key West. I was always kind of curious about
Key West. I had seen it in movies and TV
and stuff like that, and so I was like, oh,
I'll just go on a vacation. Normally that's geared around
a gig, but I'm like, I don't want to do
a gig. It's want to go on vacation. So I
booked a pre COVID so December twenty nineteen, and then
(03:28):
COVID hit and everything was crazy and the murder hornets
and Aliens and it was just crazy, and so I
totally forgot about it. And then Expeedio reminded me in
the spring and it was like, hey, are you ready
for Key West? And I was like, oh my god,
totally forgot about it. So I called the resort. This
was like in the early June of twenty twenty, and
(03:50):
I go, hey, are you guys open and they go, yeah,
we open on June second. And my plane landed June third,
So I was like okay. So I flew in through Charleston,
South Carolina, hung out with my friend Danny McBride. I'm sure,
you know, absolutely, and I was gonna so I was like,
part of me was gonna live in Charleston. So Danny's like,
(04:10):
you gotta move here, man, come on live Charleston. So
I go, okay, I'm gonna pop over to Key West
because I have a ten day vacation and then I'll
come back. And then so I went down to Key
West and I stayed for a year and a half
at the same hotel.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
My greatest fear of going to Key West.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
It was psychotic. And then everybody, so many people I
met down there, had done the same thing. They were like, yeah,
we came here on our honeymoon from Michigan and then
we just came right back. We've been here for like
twelve years.
Speaker 4 (04:43):
What did you do? Did you? Were you drinking back then?
Speaker 3 (04:46):
I got I was drunk every day NonStop for a
year and a half.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
How did you get out of there?
Speaker 3 (04:54):
It was insanity? But it was amazing, Like it was
just there was no worries, there was no care. It
was like watching the world like everything was chaos, except
there music. Every night. Every night it would go. I
remember I paid seven hundred dollars in cash for a
guy to play Country Road by John Denver, and he
(05:14):
was like, I already played it like ten minutes ago,
and I I just showed up and he played again,
and I got into a bidding war with a woman
that wanted to hear Sweet Caroline, and we got up
to seven hundred dollars. I paid seven hundred dollars.
Speaker 5 (05:27):
So clearly COVID brain or something.
Speaker 4 (05:30):
Hey Tyson or Jake Paul.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
But what.
Speaker 4 (05:36):
Mike Tyson or Jake Paul in the fight?
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Oh my gosh, I mean I'm gonna go with Tyson?
Speaker 5 (05:42):
Yeah, right, do you kind of hope Jake Paul dies,
I don't lit.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
Yess upon anyone except no, I'm kidding. I'm I'm I
forgot that that was finally happening. Happening should have been postponed, ye,
And I hope it doesn't interfere with my show because
I want to watch it, but are maybe I'll watch
it on stage. I'll be a terry Town, which I
(06:07):
think was named after my character from Reno andnlan One.
Speaker 5 (06:09):
Oh yeah, well, I mean, how late is your set
because it'll probably be the last fight around eleven o'clock.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
Well, my set will now be five minutes, so the
show will start at seven point thirty. I'll dismount about
seven forty five. My opener will do two minutes. Hey, yeah,
I should be fine.
Speaker 5 (06:26):
He's talking about the Terry Town show. We're talking about
the Albany show at the Egg.
Speaker 3 (06:30):
I know, I'm excited to come back to Albany. I
love the Egg so bizarre. I'll never forget performing there
for the first time. And I thought I'd gone through
like some time warp and I was in like some
weird futuristic I mean it's so bizarre. I mean it's
it's truly an anomaly of America like.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
An Ethan Hawk movie.
Speaker 5 (06:47):
I liked that they call the small there's two two
stages there. The smaller ones called the yoke, which I
think that's cool.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
Yeah, that's cool, and then the overall thing is called
uh butt plug for David spad Hey, Nick, I heard
the entire property.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
What but it's perfect. I heard you, Uh, I heard
you were talking a lot of smack about the Vikings
like I was when they were five.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
And oh I wasn't talking smack. I was just I
was on Rich Eisen and he walked me through the
schedule and I had this blind confidence and I was
like yeah, and then I picked us to lose to
the Jaguars. That was going to be our first loss,
and we almost did. But we all I mean, we
could have beat the Rams and the Lions. Those are
only two losses.
Speaker 5 (07:33):
I don't know if you could beat the Lions any
day this season, Nick, Sorry, I better.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
We almost just did. You don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
You to the Minnesota family when you're talking about Lions
like that.
Speaker 5 (07:47):
Listen, I'm a Patriot fan. We have years and decades
of dominance and championships, so you don't almost beat anybody,
You either beat them or you don't.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
Sorry, No, I get that, but I'm saying you can
also go. Oh were we blown out? I mean, I
don't know if you know how football work. There's a
difference between losing fifty to three and twenty three to twenty.
You know what I mean? You can't and you're an
insane person? And how are you allowed to off? There?
You go?
Speaker 4 (08:15):
Hey, Nick, choice and.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
Jacket belts all over.
Speaker 4 (08:19):
It is your mom's cat, Snowy still alive.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
No, I can't believe you brought that up. Snow He
just died two days ago.
Speaker 5 (08:26):
Oh my god, dude, we just some of that clip
on the air two days ago.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Yeah, died two days ago, and nobody knows how. No
one killed itself And I'm kidding, yeah, but no, it
did pass away.
Speaker 4 (08:43):
So sorry to hear that you have any animals yourself?
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Did what you have any animals yourself?
Speaker 3 (08:51):
Now? I wish I traveled too much? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (08:53):
Right, what would you have do?
Speaker 3 (08:56):
What?
Speaker 5 (08:57):
What would you have if you could have any pet
of choice? You're not a python guy?
Speaker 3 (09:01):
No, I don't know why you went right there. It
was really homo erotic and weird. No, you know, just
like anybody, and I'll bino giraffe. You know what I mean.
I'm just simple. I'm a simple man. No, I like
dogs and cats. I would love. My goal is to
like to retire and then just open a compound, like
almost like a shelter. Wh're just cats and dogs everywhere,
(09:24):
a couple of bino giraffes. I love that.
Speaker 4 (09:26):
I could smell the piss from here.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
By the way, I just tweeted, I was like, I'm
always curious because I'm like, is anybody going to beat
the Chiefs this year? I mean, they're they're beatable, but
you know, they're always pulled that weird voodoo nonsense, somehow
pull these games out of their genitals.
Speaker 5 (09:47):
I picked him to lose. I bet them to lose
to Denver. Now they did lose, but they almost won
according to you.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
Yes exactly, but no, I thought Denver was gonna give
them trouble, and they did. They should have won that game.
I wanted to bar.
Speaker 4 (10:04):
I could talk football you all day.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Man.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
I like you, Nick Swardson, You're fine.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
I like you. I like you and your pison.
Speaker 5 (10:10):
Oh sorry, sir, good lard, Hey, real quick, who is
a better dresser? You were Adam Sandler it's tough.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
Oh my god, that's a draw. That's a real that's
a real tough. That's really funny because I mean usually
my favorite is like we would go to certain places
and events where it was like you had to wear
pants in a suit and everything, and Adam just not
as like an fu to those establishments. He just doesn't
(10:42):
want to dress like that, you know what I mean.
So it was great because I dressed like that anyway.
So we just Adam and I are really close friends
on many levels, but like creatively and stuff like that.
But for our wardrobe it was awesome. Like I wear
shorts on stage. I mean it's you know, I'm chill.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
That's the best part about doing that gig, you know. Yeah, Hey,
it's the Spade David. How's David Spade doing.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
David's good. Yeah, David's solid. Yeah, he's surviving the game.
Speaker 4 (11:11):
Is he so loaded?
Speaker 2 (11:12):
He's so loaded, isn't he?
Speaker 3 (11:14):
What do you mean drunk? No?
Speaker 4 (11:17):
I mean that's my favorite.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
He had like sixteen straight years of TV. Have a
TV series he's gotta have.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
Yeah, yeah, David does. Okay, Yeah, my favorite thing is
when David drinks so because he's such like a little
lawn gnome and his tolerance is the exact opposite of Minnesota.
So he'll have like two maybe three cocktails and he's out. No,
you know, he's like sitting there sipping with his little
Jack Daniels in a thin bowl or whatever, and he's
(11:46):
he cannot do it. And he you know, we we've
always done Vegas together. So it's like funny because Sandlers
sometimes is the same way. Well, they'll be they'll leave
like it look go home at like ten thirty or
eleven at night. Yeah, And I'm like, that's just when
you get started, you know what I mean, that's just
when you're starting.
Speaker 4 (12:06):
When did you cut back or what made you cut back.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
It's been a little over three months since I've had
a drink, and I just I just have too much
to deal with right now. And the older you get,
I'm like, I just can't, you know, with this tour
is massive. I'm doing another special, I've got two scripts
I just finished, and I've got two more i'm working on,
and I just kind of would rather pedal to the metal,
(12:32):
you know what I mean, and get all this stuff going.
Comedy needs help. There's not a lot of good comedies
out right, now love me. So I was the main
writer of Grandma's Boy, bench Warmers, Bucky Larson, all these
nonsense craziness, and I just want more of that out
there before I die. I won.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
You're more of a actually more of a sketch comic
fan than even even stand up back in the day.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
Now, yeah, back then, I was a huge Ironically, I
was a big Saturday Night Live fan. So I grew
up watching stan Ler and Spade and Schneider and all
those guys. Farley and my good friend Norm MacDonald, who
I talk about on stage when you come to the show.
I've got a couple of Norm stories that I really love.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
I love that and that I saw it on the online.
Maybe do it on it, but.
Speaker 5 (13:18):
You talk with There's a baseball story when Norm's supposed
to meet you at a bar to watch baseball and
just leaves you hung out to dry and then I
think you had to stumble home hammered, right, something like that.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
No, So what happened was yeah, no, that's no, it's close.
So this is before Uber, Okay, So there was a
triple header baseball game. I go to the bar at
noon at the beginning of the first game, and I
hit up Norm and I go, hey, I'm going to
the bar. I just got here and I downed a
couple of shots. I go meet me here and he goes, ah, yeah,
(13:52):
how are you gonna be there? And I go, well,
I'm here now, I'm gonna watch three baseball games. Just
meet me and he goes all right, I can't pick
me up and I go no, I'm parrety drank. I
don't want to drink it dry, and he goes all right,
I'll take a taxi. So one game goes by, no norm,
two games goes by it no norm. Three games go
by and baseball long.
Speaker 4 (14:14):
Before the pitch.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
So I'm in like the spirit world. I mean, I've
drank heavy for like nine hours. So I'm leaving the
bar at like nine thirty at night and no one's
walking in and I go, dude, what where have you been?
And he goes, yeah, yeah, sorry, I had to do laundry.
And I'm like, laundry for nine hours? Would you run
(14:35):
an orphanage? What are you talking about? And he goes
so you're leaving what? And I'm like yeah, I can't
walk or see I mean yeah. So you talking me
to having one more beer and then I went home. Yeah.
But I mean that's like how he was all the time,
(14:56):
Like you never knew, you know. Like I remember we
were doing on tour, me and Standler in Spade and
Rob and Norm is supposed to beat us and meet us,
meet us in Orlando and he doesn't show up and
the show is that night and we're like, hey, Norman,
where are you And he goes, what do you mean?
And we're like, we're in Orlando, we have a show
night and he goes, ah, that is that today? And
(15:20):
we're like yeah, We're all in a text thread two
days before. Norm said hey, I'll see you guys in Orlando.
So I scream shot it and posted on the thread. Yeah,
like you know we were going to Orlando. And he goes, ah,
yeah that's right. Yeah, yeah, that has a flu. And
we're like, well, did you forget Orlando? Do you have
(15:42):
the flu? It was like good God, He's always.
Speaker 5 (15:46):
Well listen man, we hope you kick ass on the
toilet Head Tour. We can't wait for you to come
to town. We'll see you at the egg on on
Sunday night. And stay in touch touch Nick All right, I.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Love it man, you guys are the best. Go Python.
Speaker 4 (16:00):
Next, morth And it's Quinny.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Get there.
Speaker 4 (16:01):
Picks one.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
I was sick.
Popular Podcasts
Good Game with Sarah Spain
Good Game is your one-stop shop for the biggest stories in women’s sports. Every day, host Sarah Spain gives you the stories, stakes, stars and stats to keep up with your favorite women’s teams, leagues and athletes. Through thoughtful insight, witty banter, and an all around good time, Sarah and friends break down the latest news, talk about the games you can’t miss, and debate the issues of the day. Don’t miss interviews with the people of the moment, whether they be athletes, coaches, reporters, or celebrity fans.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Crime Junkie
If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people.