The Show Presents: P1 Podcast 9.12.23 Emily's Laminated Attempt To Help Her Family

Emily leaves her son and husband home alone while she works and most mornings it turns into a series of catastrophic events that requires her to be on the phone all day. Well, she's finally had enough so she's giving them a checklist. We hear all about it on today's P1 Podcast.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
I can't even imagine what a shitshow it must be like at Emily's house
in the morning, a daily basis. Wait, here's the thing. In
the morning, Emily's not there.Emily runs that place. Okay, true,

(00:21):
but she's leaving what she calls theBarnzo Twins on their own. And
every morning there is a text aphone call of a fire she has to
put out from here from work,which is mad. And sometimes it's small
things like you see her on thereand she's so stressed out and she has
the phone like this with her likerisks, like bands a little bit,

(00:44):
and she's talking and she's pissed,and I'm like, what's going on in
there? And you'll hear Reid losthis fucking shoe, can't find the bananas.
Yeah yeah, but like something sostupid, and she's so stressed the
morning. This goes on to thepoint of where we now have a checklist.
We ain't done yet, it's timefor the past, completely uncensored and

(01:11):
unting filtered except for that part theshow's after show starts. Now, this
is my favorite thing you've ever done, Eddie. I'm looking at Eddie and
I just don't want him to wrinklemy How can I wrinkle it? You
fucking laminated? Yeah, I don'tthink that's crazy to say something. I

(01:34):
went into her studio earlier to askher about something, Yeah, and I
went, oh, is this thewhat is this? And I looked at
it for a second and she would, hey, don't don't wrinkle it,
don't renkle it. Well, ithadn't been laminated at that point there was
You could fucking reprint it, dude. He was like like this, it
was fucking making me come out ofmy skin. You could reprint it.
And if it did get wrinkled,who fucking care. Yeah, this is

(01:56):
a professional assignment that you're turning in. Yeah. And if you're not watching,
if you're not watching this on YouTube, you know when you were in
elementary school and there was giant todo lists on the wall, that's what
this looks like. This is itlooks like something for six year old?
Why is this laminated with a littlelike check mark boxes on it? Like?

(02:17):
Who knew? We even had alaminated us a couple times? Thanks
for telling us this isn't It's okay, this is titled reads checklist, but
I think we know this isn't justreads check this is both of them.
You had to you had to titleit. Yeah, yeah, of course

(02:37):
they did. What goes on ina typical morning at your household before we
get into this, like why isthis? Honestly, like everything you guys
said, you know, like whereis this? Where is that? I
don't know where this is? Read'snot listening to Robert. He's not doing
this, Robert breakfast with his buttagain? Mom, Yeah, wait with
Histo, go Robert will put yourshoes on? Rerito come out and out

(02:59):
of the bedroom with one shoe onforget to put the second one on?
What like literally like this is him? What? Like honestly things are that's
difficult, it's fucking crazy, orlike he'll put on his shorts but not
they're not his shoes or or oneof my it's a shit show. And
so what Robert had found out thatpossibly a checklist could be helpful in the

(03:20):
morning. Okay, one of myfavorite things to see if I look at
that studio and I see Emily justcoming out of her skin yelling on her
favorite every day. And then theygot here, what's on the other end?
And then they got to call you, Yes, how are you going
to find his shoes. I'm gonnafind out where a socket yet? Do
you expect I don't know where mylunch is. Mom, did you check

(03:40):
the fridge? No? God,oh my god? Where it is?
It's such a shit show that Emilyhas made a checklist for what she wants
her son read to do every morningand laminated it. By the way you
love it. I just think it'sit's so Emily. Yeah, it's so

(04:00):
crafty. What's a combo between Robertand I? Because this is the stuff.
I don't know what the I mean. I only can imagine what the
fuck goes on in there? Allright? So I you know, so
Robert, Robert and I got together. You want to say, maybe half
of these things get forgotten every morning? Yeah? Wow? Does it ever
go smoothly in the morning? Everythingit does? And if that happens,
I'll show you if I went throughmy text with Robert good, he will

(04:24):
he will go out of my way, out of his way to say it
went great. So it goes toshow you if he goes out of his
way to let me know that thoseare very rare. Once once ever,
maybe once a week, usually onceevery two weeks, and you can't mean,
it's not and you can't just sayor Robert can't just say, hey,
go get ready for school, andhe knows what that means, Like

(04:46):
that means pants and shoes. Reed'sgot massive, massive eight. So he's
not doing medication anymore. So,I mean we're talking about so if he
sees something shiny, he's completely forgottest mission. Robert is special, So
we got a combination. How doesit go when you're then? Does it
go different? Yeah? If youwere to be there like vacation or something,

(05:08):
Yeah, yeah, it goes.It Holy fucked though, Like I
don't want to do it because it'svery frustrating, but I think it goes.
I would say it goes a littlesmoother than when Robert, but it's
still a disaster. It's still forgettingvery frustrating pace and I don't have patience.
Guys, do that? That seemscrazy? Okay, okay, all

(05:29):
right? We are now going togo over reads checklist from beginning of the
morning till when he is off toschool. All right, and these are
Roberts suggestions suggestions. Yeah, yeah, because I'm not that part. Yeah.
Number one on reads checklist is wakeup with no problem. How is
that how does that like, doyou wake up with a problem, But

(05:51):
if you wake up groggy, doyou got you can't have a problem,
no problems. Wait a minute,I don't know how that's do you have
a stomach ache? What the fuck, guys, it's on the it's the
fucking checklist. That doesn't make sense. It's not like it's not something you
can accomplish what you have to do. I'm assuming what Emily means is when

(06:15):
Robert says, hey, read timeto wake up, we're not giving attitude.
We're not act you get up,no problem. I'd rather put like,
wake up with a specific time orout of bed, out of bed
by six am. It just changessometimes because Robert either has to go to
work earlier or later. So butbut how about this problem? How about
this? How about this? Don'tmake it change, Keep with the same

(06:36):
routine no matter what. Then thenit becomes a routine every day six am,
he gets up, six am,he gets up six am. He
gets up every day. I mean, I get that. It's because some
days he has to wake up atfive thirty because we have to labor school
or so. It's not we'd ratherlet our kids sleep at thirty more minutes.
You know what I mean? It'sjust no, that's stupid. All
right, we need a routine.Hey, guys, wake up with no

(06:59):
problem. Okay, you have afucking problem. Est second on Read's checklist,
Yes, eat breakfast. Okay,he's got to eat breakfast. Yeah,
yeah, what are we talking about? See this is a little tricky
because that what does that consist of? Who is preparing the breakfast? Is
Read in charge of preparing his ownbreakfast? Is Robert? Are you making

(07:20):
breakfast? Is? Look? What'sgoing on? Once in a while,
I will, like once a week, No, no, once every few
weeks, I'll like do a roundof like breakfast burritos or breakfast sandwiches,
and then Read get sick of them, and so he would rather have like
cereal and a banana or like toastor a bagel with cream cheese or something
like. Does he sometimes pour themilk on the banana and get like really,

(07:44):
honestly, I don't know, butpour milk one? So Read does
mouth chewse mouth chew? Yeah,that's a tough one. That's as a
kid, too general for me.It's very too general yet more specifics unfortunately
specific. We think just weight Yeah, we'll see what kind of wild things

(08:05):
he eats. As a kid,I got lucky, I did, I
took a shower, I got dressed, all its by myself. But my
mom always made breakfast for me.I got really lucky, like baking breakfast,
so I never doing that. RobertRobert a helping on that one.
Next on the list, I'm confused. Are next on the list? Drink

(08:26):
shake, drink breakfast, and ashake that seems like a walk. What
are we doing here? Milk shake? I wonder why he's off the wall.
Sugar that seems crazy. It's aprotein weight gain er shake because he's
very, very skinny, and sohe doesn't want to drink it he like
at all. So I taste terribleand he's already mast Yeah, but he

(08:48):
doesn't have a huge breakfast, andthey make only like the half of the
shake. I guess because it wastoo much for him because he already at
breakfast. Yeah, why does hejust have that for breakfast? You don't
need a breakfast? Would full himup a full one? That's fucking crazy.
He doesn't. I'm making you eatbreakfast, and then I'm making you
eat like this fifteen hundred calorie shake. This poor fucking kid, he's gonna

(09:09):
be misser skid. It just happened. Just have the shake for breakfast?
Am I fucking insane? Here?It's like, can you mix in something
that he'd like? You mix somethingRobert's tried chocolate, well, and there's
other flavors. What flavors you have? I don't know. There's so many
different flavors of protein chocolates like chocolate. Dude, this poor fucking kid cut

(09:31):
We walk around with a gut bombat seven am a lot. He's eating
a whole fucking bowl of cereal,a banana, and then a fifteen hundred
that calorie protein shake. Are youguys on insane? He's not doing the
full dose. They make a littleoh sorry, eight hundred calorie protein ship.
What the fuck you drinking? Orit's not getting checked off this fucking

(09:52):
list. This is torture. Youcan't move on to the next night of
until you I don't know how tortureguys. Guy, Shut up the man.
This young man is eating breakfast,he's taking care of a shake.
Now he's got to go get dressed. He's fit into his pants. Also,
time out. I don't know aboutsaying I don't know about. But

(10:13):
as a kid, I didn't eatbreakfast until I was dressed. I was
dressed first, so that was done, shower, dressed, then I go
eat. Though, did you havea legit robe? Because read you can
do a lot of things. Becausehis motherfucker is in a rope. On
the checklist, it needs to say, wake up, nextlist, take off
rope, shower on, showing upwith no problem, wake up, no

(10:41):
problem, put on rope. Becausehe showers like us. It's like he's
he goes big showers before man,that's stupid. As a kid. Though,
you want your wake up, doyour hair, Let's go like nothing,
Oh, nothing's going on over there? And again getting dressed very vague.
If the man is having trouble figuringout socks and shoes and pants and

(11:01):
shirts, I think we need toadd to this. I know this is
what we need to ask. Leftsock right, but hold check off every
time? Wow and who at thispoint, and he's probably so fucking it's
hard for him to move because he'sgot this rock its fucking stomach. Story.

(11:24):
If you didn't like the order beforewe're get dressed. If this is
the worst order I've ever heard,listen to this. Now that we're dressed,
we're going to wash face, fixedhair, brush, teeth. Oh
no, before we get dressed.It's all the bathroom stuff. See,
I'm asking you. I'm with Iwashed my shirt, Yeah, I cleaned

(11:48):
my face. I brushed my teethbefore I get dressed. Need to get
water and toothpaste. Everyone clothes andthen what does he have to go back
to? Two steps to get dressed? And then there's two things? What
do we feel? Also, ifyou're gonna wash your face, just take
a fucking shower in the morning.It will wake the kid out. It

(12:09):
will wake the kid up, Itwill wake the kid off. He'll never
let that go. We won't wow. All right, So now we washed
our face, fixed our hair.She's making him drink another fucking protein shack.
It's gonna flip over. Now weare fill water bottle. Yeah,
you gotta fill the water bottle.Okay. I don't know about you guys,
but what the fuck is with thiswater bottle craze? Everybody kids have

(12:33):
water bottles? Now, that's sodistracting as a kid to have a water
bottle to hold to play with.I don't think they're allowed to keep it
like at their desk or anything.Are they not? Like they can they
can drink the water, But goingto the fucking fountain? Which water do
these kids need? I didn't drinkabout the water. When I was a
kid, I had a fountain andthat was it. I just think it's
good they're hydrated and also a terriblething. You can't fill the water at

(12:56):
school. You gotta fill it athome. You know, you know it's
tap over there. They don't gotto reverse osmosis. You know it's tap.
You know it's tap. This kid'sgot a fucking eight hundred pounds of
protein his gut. Wow. Andthen chemically fill the water that water.
How heavy is that water bottle?Oh? My god? So heavy?
So we have a water filter.Once you fill the water, Yeah,

(13:20):
what do we do? What doyou do? I don't know, check
the list? Yeah, you putthe water and lunch in the backpack?
Wow? Because do we fill thewater bottle and just set it down?
Does that happen? Well? Imaginehow heavy this backpack is with all the
books and now at twelve ounces ofwater, this thing is fucking really heavy.
You're gonna kill this kid's back.You're gonna kill the kid's back.

(13:43):
Don't forget to fill it up inschool. They don't have a system like
they don't have a water folla filteredwater at school. They doter fountains.
Fine, I don't think they didn'tput it in a filter. So he
just packs and they don't walk anymore. We don't. We don't live in
the loya. That's not a fedYeah, they ripped out. On't walk
around books anymore on couga classrooms.It is they ripped out and have an

(14:03):
aquafina delivery person at your school.Yes, you guys don't have a joe.
Yes, they ripped out the waterfountains and put in the don't have
a fresh creak running through yours.There's no fresh creak. There's no like
the NFL. They're walking over thebell rings. They all believe it's just

(14:24):
a water fill stations. Four kidsback. Does he have a legit backpack
or is he has a cool backpack? Jet sport? Jazz sport? All
right, Jet Sport? Okay,I like that. Okay, So now
we've put the water and the lunchin the backpack a morning, guys,
where do we do with the backpacknow? Because we're going to forget it.

(14:48):
Yeah, you put it by thefront door. Is that a separate
step? It's put backpack by frontdoor. How do you forget the backpack?
I mean, that's the one thingyou need, that's the only thing
is it's the one thing you need. Also, I'm finding it, arey
odd that everything's on there? Buthe doesn't have go to the bathroom?
On there? Is he not allowedto go to the bathroom. You're telling
me he's got a full stomach,a protein, you can't take a piss.
He knows how to go to thebathroom if he if he feels that

(15:11):
he needs to go to the bathroom. Does to send the list? Shake
your dick, don't trouble on pantsand wipe up the toilet seat. Pal
that should be on the list.This list should be so much more detailed
and so much longer, Like thethings that are on here don't really need
to be on here, and thethings that are not on here really need
to be on here. So it'slike kind of wild, but it's laminated.

(15:33):
So we're done. You can't changeit. And we've put our backpack
at the door, but we didn'tmake sure our homeworks in our back bork
no, that's mine, that's menight before. I make sure that.
Yeah, I sure everything all youhave to check that ship, all the
schools, all the like. Onanother level, you have no idea I
have to get my parents never checkedit. And if the teacher told me,

(15:54):
damn that I didn't do my homeworksomething, I get killed. So
I just always do my homework.Yeah, you know, I hate it.
Yeah, yeah, so I handlethat stuff the night before. Oh
okay. Now there's three things lefton the list, but only one thing
that is a check off, soI'm really kind of confused. The final
thing on the check off list isready to walk out the door. What

(16:18):
does that entail? I don't knowwhat does that mean? You have shoes
on at this point, like everythinghas to be done and you have to
be ready to go. So everything'schecked off. Now it's time to walk
out the door. What time though, I like, there's no time,
like what time? Honestly, ifit's constantly fucking changing, he doesn't know
what time? When am I readyto walk inta? When am I ready?
Robert will tell him a time.I'm guessing in the morning in the

(16:41):
middle of the list. That totallythrows the kid he's still mid shay a
nightmare, and what if he doesn'tfeel ready to walk out the door.
When if Robert says and he justsays, I'm not ready, I haven't.
I'm still on brush teeth. It'son the fucking list, guys,
ready to walk out the door,but I don't feel ready. Okay,

(17:03):
don't check it off now? Okay. Now there's two more things on the
list though, but they're not checkoff. So I don't know if these
are optionals or what. We havea interesting equation here where it says use
phone. What does that mean?Phone? I don't know what that means
use phones? Phone? Is thatit's it's the major incentive to check everything

(17:27):
off. He doesn't get his phoneat all, does not get to go
in his hands until everything checked offequals get to use phone. Oh so
that's why there's an equal sign.Yeah, it's equals equals use phone.
Now again, okay, phone,so you do it? All thing's done?
So that's that up. It doesn'tequal four equals use phone. Yes.

(17:48):
So in other words, after Idrank my shake, I can't just
get on my phone and start dickingaround. Phone doesn't get in your hand
until everything because it's all the waydown there. Yes, it's at the
bottom. So I gotta get allthis shit done, and then I can
use phone. Yes equals use phone, got it. Yes. And then
the final thing on Reid's checklist,okay, is I have a great day?

(18:10):
Wait exclamation point, Robert put thatin there. Of course he did,
she did. Of course you havegreat a great day with a belly
full of shake and all this water. Yeah, you're good to go.
Have a great days. Nice