May 13, 2023 • 25 mins
OUTWEIGH: Have you ever gone to start a new plan or program, and on the surface you're gung- ho -- ready to take it by the reins, deeply committed, and hoping (praying!) that this time really IS different -- that this will be the 'the thing' that changes everything for you...
...but secretly in the back of your mind, you're WAITING for it to fail?
Perhaps you're even outright EXPECTING it to fail, because you know in your heart-of-hearts that even though the plan or the program itself might be different....
...you know deep down that YOU haven't changed -- that you haven't gotten your mind, your head, your brain, and your heart aligned in a way that WOULD cause things to be different?
Don’t worry, you are SO not alone. This is one of the most common struggles that women have today when it comes to their relationships with food, their bodies, and themselves.
In this week’s episode of Outweigh we are going to get you clear on exactly why this happens (why you lose trust in yourself or in the possibility that it will ever get any better), and how you can finally shift this for good.
Link Mentioned:
Watch the Stressless Eating Webinar where Leanne walks you through her exact 5 Step Game Plan her clients use to heal themselves from the all-or-nothing diet mentality for good....but WITHOUT restricting themselves, punishing their bodies, (and definitely WITHOUT ever having to use words like macros, low-carb, or calorie burn) 😉
HOST: www.StresslessEating.com // @LeanneEllington
To contact Amy about Outweigh: hello@outweighpodcast.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
I'm made, don't won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning love who I am a young I'm strong,
I'm feel free, I know every part of me it
is beautiful and then will always out way if you
(00:24):
feel it with your hands and be here, She'll some
love to the boy. Get there, say go one day
at home? Did you and die out way? Happy Saturday, Outweigh.
I'm Leanne Ellington and I'm a friend of Amy's and
the author and creator of Stressle Seeding, and I'm back
again as the resident guest host for a few episodes
(00:46):
of Outweigh, which we started doing a couple of weeks ago,
so if you missed those, definitely go back and check
those out. So one was about why your brain thinks
it wants sugar, and the other was is your social
media relationship or your relationship with social media helping or
harming your self esteem? And of course your relationship with
(01:07):
food and your body. So we got into the nitty
gritty details about both of those subjects. Today, though, we're
going to talk about something that comes up so much
in the work that I do, and it can absolutely
unconsciously sabotage you too if you're not aware. So maybe
this resonates with you. So just kind of ask yourself,
(01:28):
have you ever gone to start a new planner program
and on the surface your gung ho, you know you're
ready to take it by the reins, you're deeply committed
and hoping. Well, let's be honest, maybe you're secretly praying
that this time really is going to be different, that
this will be the thing that changes everything for you.
(01:49):
But you know, secretly, in the back of your mind,
if you're totally honest with yourself, you're kind of waiting
for it to fail. So perhaps you're even, you know,
outright expected it to fail because you know in your
heart of hearts that even though the plan or the
program itself might be different this time around, you know
that deep down you haven't changed, like you haven't gotten
(02:13):
your mind or your head or your brain and your
heart aligned in a way that would cause things to
be different. And so one of the biggest struggles my
stressless seeding clients have when they come to me is
the inner chatter and the internal self talk of you know,
what my clients would call self sabotage. But we talked
about that a couple of weeks ago of what that
really is. And I call them the never gonna inner voices,
(02:37):
as in, you know, you're never gonna do this or
you're never gonna have that. So it's those voices that
really kind of sabotage you before you even begin, the
ones that say, you know you're never gonna get there,
what makes you think this time is going to be
any different? Or you're never going to stick with this
long term, like you know how this story ends, or
(02:58):
you're never actually gonna get past this, like just face it,
you're gonna be dealing with this the rest of your life,
or you're never gonna see this thing through, like this
is just gonna be one more thing that you start
and don't finish, So why even bother? Or one of
the most common ones that I hear from my clients
is what if I'm the one person this doesn't work
(03:19):
for because I'm too broken, too messed up, too far
gone to you know whatever, and I'm never gonna really
find anything that works right an ouch those that hurts right.
So I call those the never gonna inner voices, And
this is, in my opinion, one of the biggest things
that needs to get addressed in our self image or
(03:41):
else it will kind of become this self fulfilling prophecy.
So your voices might have a different name or a
different face. But if you're anything like myself or the
women I work with, you too have done your share
of trying to probably you know, outdiet those voices, or
outmotivate them, or out will power them, or you know,
outsmart them. Unfortunately, though, that is the part that's not working.
(04:06):
And I can promise you will never work because you know,
this is the part of your struggle that it's it's
not a diet or food problem, and it's not a
motivation or self sabotage problem, and it's not because you
are you know, indeed destined to never gonna your life away.
It's what I would call a thinking problem and a
(04:27):
brain problem, and it's a self image thing. Specifically, it's
in the category of what I would consider a self
esteem problem, but it's not in the way that most
people think about self esteem. So I used to think
that self esteem was just a matter of self confidence.
But what I've come to discover is that in reality,
(04:49):
self esteem is kind of like that no like trust
factor as in how much you know yourself, how much
you like yourself, and then the big one, how much
you trust yourself. So when it comes to the never
gonna inner voices, that's going to be the self trust factor.
That again, if you have those voices, the self trust
(05:11):
factor is going to be the part that's working against you.
So I see this all the time. You know, women
come to me and their self esteem is totally shot
because time after time after time they've witnessed themselves, you know, starting, stopping, starting, quitting, starting,
you get the point whatever it is, the play and
the program, and then they finally kind of say okay,
(05:32):
screw it. Right that by the time they come to me,
they're at that point where they don't really believe a
word that they say when they hear themselves say things
like Okay, this time it's going to be different or
this time I'm for real, because in reality, they've witnessed
themselves time after time making promises to themselves that they
(05:54):
either don't keep, that they can't keep, or they don't
even want to keep. Right, So not only do they
not believe a word they say when they make promises
to themselves that you know this time it's going to
be different. But on top of that, they believe themselves
less and less every time they go to make a
new promise, a new commitment, or a new declaration, essentially
(06:17):
ensuring that their self esteem bank account stays chronically overdrawn.
Because again, if you're witnessing yourself pulling from that self
esteem bank account, making promises, making promises and never putting back,
you know, a deposit of promises kept, right, it's going
to be overdrawn, for lack of a better way of
saying it. And you know, again, this is not a
(06:38):
diet or food problem, and it's not a motivation or
self sabotage problem. It's what I would call a self
esteem thing. But in that there's the big butt, Right,
that's actually a great problem to have, because the great
news about that is that addressing your self esteem and
what I would put in the category of self image,
it's totally treatable, right, It's something you can transform almost
(07:02):
immediately with the right strategies and the right tools. Unfortunately, though,
most people don't do this. They simply you know, commit
to the next diet, the next plan er program, or
the next you know shiny right, you know, short term
solution or band aid, and they never go address the
real problem. They never address all of the other stuff
(07:24):
that's bogging them down and bringing them down and weighing
them down. And again, that's the weight of the weight
that I mentioned on other episodes of Outweigh and one
of the first concepts I teach my clients because the
weight on your body isn't the real weight. The real
weight is all of this other stuff that we as
(07:45):
humans just carry around with us in our heads and
in our hearts. The real weight can be found embedded
in our thoughts and inside the walls of the stories
that we're telling to ourselves and about ourselves. And once
you make that shift, once you ditch that weight, the
weight of the weight, everything works, and every plan of
(08:09):
action becomes all of a sudden actionable, and everything begins
to flow. Well why is that, Well, that's because you
start working, and because you become the cause of the action,
and because you start to flow again. But I promise
you this, this kind of transformation will never be found
(08:29):
in another diet or program or plan because those things
are not the problem. And I mean, this was so
much love when I say you are the problem, But
by golly, you are also the beautiful solution. And wow,
what an opportunity that is, because that means that you
don't have to stay on that roller coaster, and that
(08:52):
means you can ditch the disempowering self image and self
esteem and self worth and of course the self talk
that's driving that and it's probably driving you absolutely bonkers.
You can ditch all of that, and that means you
can opt out of the dieting madness and the food
obsession and the stress and emotion that comes alongside your
(09:14):
body and food. But it really doesn't have to. That's
the part that's optional. Because when you do that, when
you ditch what I call the weight of the weight,
that's when you can just friggin you know, breathe and
think and feel how you want to feel without worrying
about being air quotes good enough or thin enough, or
pretty enough or fill in the blank. That is the
(09:36):
power you hold when you take a self image solution
approach aka, you know, a brain approach to your solutions
with your health and your body. And it's a power
that anyone can cultivate. But I promise you this, it
cannot and will not be found in another diet in
another programmer plan, because you cannot out diet, outperform or
(09:58):
out smart current brain, your current default thinking, and your
current self image. And that is where I invite you
and every person in this world to start. Okay, so
back to this idea of losing trust in yourself, one
(10:19):
of the most common struggles that my clients face is,
just like we talked about their self esteem a shot,
they really don't trust themselves anymore. Essentially, it's when you've
tried so many things that haven't worked, each time declaring
something along the lines of you know, this time, I'm
really going to do it, and this is the time,
or this is the one, this is the you know,
(10:40):
program plan diet fill in the blank that's going to
work for me, or this is the last one. This
is the program plan diet fill in the blank that's
going to end all program plan diets fill in the blanks, right,
And when it comes time to start the next diet,
the next plan, the next round of grit and determination
(11:00):
and willpower, not only do we not believe ourselves that
it's actually going to be different this time, but what
happens is you end up terrified to share it with
anyone else, So whether that's your partner or friend or colleague,
because you know, out of fear that they won't even
believe you or take you seriously, because you don't really
(11:21):
believe you or take you seriously. Right, maybe you're afraid
that you know, you've performed this whole song and dance
enough times that you don't even get taken seriously even
if you know they really do want to support you
or believe in you. So you just kind of stop
sharing about it. And that is the shame talking that,
you know, That's what shame does. It keeps us living
(11:41):
in isolation. It keeps us living in that secrecy. And
I see this happening all the time, and heck, it's
exactly how I used to feel each time I started out,
you know, some new plan or method that eventually I
just kind of stopped talking about it or telling anyone
about it altogether. You know, it gave me some song
knowing that when I eventually straight, and you know I
(12:03):
would because I was set up for a losing game,
at least I could confine the disappointment to me and
not have to explain it to anyone. But what this
does is this only adds another layer of struggle, because
now it's adding shame and loneliness, or you know, maybe
just the feeling that you're alone in your journey, both
(12:23):
of which or all of which I should say, are
really silent killers. So what's the solution. What do we
do about this? Well, first, I think it's really important
to talk about why it keeps happening, and I found
that it usually falls into one of the following categories.
So the first category is you are just getting smarter.
And what I mean by that is, you know, after
(12:44):
attempting one unsustainable, restriction driven plan after another, it's only
logical to assume that willpower and discipline they're not going
to just magically show up for you this time around, right,
not anymore than it did the last time, at least,
And that if things play out the way that they,
you know, kind of usually do for you, it is
(13:04):
actually safe to assume that this new plan isn't going
to work either. Right. It's actually smarter of you to
make this assumption, because nine times out of ten you
would be right. So that's the number one. Your brain's
actually getting smarter. You're not able to kid the kidder anymore. Right,
Category two is your brain keeps getting smarter. So one
is you get smarter right now, It's like, okay, your
(13:26):
brain's getting smarter. So when I say this is a
brain thing, you can't outsmart your brain without getting too
geek because you probably know by now I like to
get geeky. It's helpful to know that short term habits
and those long term always have them always, you know,
actually become a habit in your brain. Kind of habits
(13:46):
I should say, like you know, it's it's there. You
don't have to think about it. It just becomes part
of who you are. So the short term habits and
then the long term always habit, this is just who
you are. Habits they live in two separate parts of
your brain. The long term brain is driven by ease
and pleasure, and when your brain experience is the opposite
of those two things, So you know, things like resistance
(14:09):
or force or persuading yourself to do things you don't
want to do, or constant hunger because you're trying to
diet or cut calories or whatever, right that restriction, all
of those things, they're obviously the opposite of ease and pleasure.
So when your brain experiences that It essentially says, Okay,
don't worry long term brain. We don't have to move
this over to the long term part of our brain.
(14:30):
They're not going to be doing it very long and
nine times out of ten your brain would be right.
So that's the second category, your brain. It's getting smarter, okay.
The third category is your heart and your soul and
your intuition keep getting more tuned in, they keep getting smarter.
So let's be honest. You know, this whole food and
body and self acceptance journey, it is not a rational one.
(14:54):
It's emotional. It tugs at your heart strings, it nags
at your spirit, and it's it's rare that I speak
with a woman that doesn't know that her problem is
not going to be solved with a diet. Right. You
can't logic and reason your way through an emotional problem,
otherwise you'll always be simply addressing the effects. And as
(15:15):
we talked about before, a lot of those ways of
addressing the problem aka dieting and the weight loss mentality
in general, actually make your problems worse. And if you're
like me and most people I know, when you get
truly and painfully honest with yourself, your heart and soul
and spirit knows that a diet won't cut it either,
(15:35):
and that you do need a different approach, that you
need something more or something deeper, and something bigger. And
nine times out of ten again you would be right.
So those are the big you know, three reasons why
this keeps happening. So how do you actually heal it? Well,
we should, We should definitely talk about that, right. So
the way I see it, there's a few layers to
(15:56):
this as well. And keep in mind, this is not
something that happens overnight. I actually walk my clients through
an entire twelve week process to really help them establish
a new relationship with themselves and a new relationship with
food in their body. But if I were to bottom
line it for you, I would say this, so first,
and this might sound obvious, but first you need a
(16:18):
better strategy because remember, your brain is failing, not because
it's actually failing, but because it's playing a losing game
that you will never be able to win. So when
I say that, what I mean is if you're using
a strategy that is founded in restriction or deprivation, or
punishing yourself or punishing your body, or you're persuading yourself
(16:40):
to do or eat or move in a certain way
that you don't even enjoy, or that maybe like you
really can't possibly stick with long term, Or if you're
using a strategy that causes you to spend an exorbitant
amount of time and energy and heart and soul thinking
about food and thinking about your body and your way,
when let's be honest, all you really want to do
(17:02):
is stop thinking about it, right, Or if you're using
a strategy that's getting harder the more you practice it,
and you're getting worse at it the more you practice it,
And that's really what the diet mentality is and how
it impacts you as in like you'll never get good
at it right, then your strategy is a big part
(17:23):
of the problem. And again this is where I have
to remind you that you can't outdiet a bad strategy either.
So if you do have a tendency to start things
and stop them, what if it's not because there's something
wrong with you. What if it's because it's a bad
strategy for you, or perhaps it's a broken model altogether,
(17:44):
one that I guarantee even the most willpower driven, you know,
strong and resilient woman couldn't sustain forever. So the first
part of the answer, and you know it's simple, not
easy because the world is throwing more diets at you.
But the simple answer is you need a better strategy.
But on the other side of it is you need
(18:05):
new stories and beliefs because you know, for example, I
could straight up give you the stressless eating strategy that
I teach my clients, but if we don't go identify
those weeds in the garden of your mind that are
causing you to not finish what you start to feel
like a failure to actually think you're a self sabotager,
(18:25):
or just simply those thoughts that are causing you to
think and act and feel and behave the way that
you are. They don't just go away on their own.
And again, you can't outdiet and outsmart and outperform those
beliefs either, And that's why it's got to be both.
So when I say both, it's like, yes, you need
a new strategy so that the food and body side
(18:48):
of things is simple and stressless and sustainable. And the
key word here is sustainable. One where you learn a
new language and a new paradigm one time. But it's
something that you practic for the rest of your life,
and the more you practice it, the easier it gets,
and the better at it you get. And that way
you don't have to practice it so much, and it
(19:09):
just becomes who you are versus dieting. Again, it just
gets harder the more you practice it, and you get
worse at it the more you practice it. And let's
be honest, you never get good at it. It never
just becomes who you are. But like we also talked about,
you've got to step into the stories and the self
image and the identity that you're going to need to
(19:30):
actually make all of that happen. So that's what I
mean when I say it's got to be both. And
I see women all the time just you know, kind
of taking on a new tactic, right, but it's the
same strategy. It's another new diet and it's got a
new name and a new face, but it's really just
more of the same, only maybe this time it's focusing
(19:52):
on calories and not carbs, or maybe it's focusing on
fat grams or time of the day that you're eating
or macros or whatever it is. Right, So, again using
a new tactic, but the same strategy will just create
more of the same problem. And then the big one
that women skive over is the self image thing that
we mentioned, because if you're constantly telling yourself that you're
(20:14):
a self sabotager or weak willed or a failure, it's
going to become this self fulfilling prophecy if you don't
address that, and that's what you'll actually step into, especially
if you have that kind of self talk fired and
wired into your relationship with food and your body. And
please know, I am not trying to sound all doom
(20:35):
and gloom or discourage you, but I'm just trying to
give you that awareness to see what recipe you're creating
that is kind of, you know, for lack of a
better way of saying it, a recipe for disaster and
a spiral that will keep repeating itself unless you heal it.
So just to kind of bring all of this together,
this whole self trust thing, it's not that you're actually
(20:57):
a self sabotager or failing all the time. If you
have lost that trust in yourself, you're human, right, And
the fact that you're even able to have this conversation
right now and you're even aware that perhaps you've lost
trust in yourself. I believe that that's a sign that
you're actually getting smarter, and that your brain is getting smarter,
and that your intuition is getting more honed in. And again,
(21:20):
I just want to emphasize, this is not a you problem.
It's just that the way you've been going about it
probably has set you up to fail, or has set
you up to appear like you are the failure at
this whole food and body thing, or that you can't
really trust yourself. But again, that's not who you are.
I believe that you really can trust yourself. You've just
(21:41):
probably been playing a losing game, one that, like we
talked about, even the most powerful, resilient, willpower driven woman
couldn't sustain very long. And I have no doubt that
you genuinely do want to solve the problem and close
the loop and make this time the last time, and
the solution then become Okay, well, how can I set
myself up for a game that I can actually win?
(22:04):
That's kind of the conversation I'm inviting you into, right, So,
how can you embark on a journey that actually makes
you happy and makes your brain happy and makes your
heart and soul happy so that you can stick with it,
and that you do stick with it. That is where
your version of the solution lives. It's when we keep
playing the short term gratification, quick results put a band
(22:25):
aid on the problem kind of game aka you know,
diets and quick fixes, and never really find the long
term solution and never actually heal our struggles. That we
stay stuck in that cycle. Right, But when you heal that,
as in, rewire your brain with a new long term,
forever strategy, and rewire your brain by healing your self
(22:46):
esteem and self image, Wow, absolute magic starts happening, and
not just with food in your body, it's everywhere. And
that belief that you can't trust yourself or will never
be able to trust yourself, well that just fades in
the back. It becomes a distant memory. But and I
mean this part was so much love. You have to
go heal it. Like this is not the whole not
(23:09):
trusting yourself. It really is a big deal and it
doesn't just go away on its own, and you can't
address it with dieting, right, and trust me, I know
that taking this whole self love and brain based approach
to healing your relationship with food in your body. I
get it. It's not as sexy as losing twenty pounds
in twenty minutes, like the world is trying to throw
at you. But I promise, promise, promise you that when
(23:33):
you do, you are going to meet a version of
yourself that you absolutely love and that is the most
important relationship you could ever invest in. So that is
it for today, out weigh. I hope you got exactly
what you needed today. And even if you got one
little golden nugget or one small distinction that sparked something
(23:54):
in your brain, well that would honestly make me very happy.
So if you liked what you heard today and you
want to hear more in depth about the process of
rewiring your own brain and self image when it comes
to food and your body and really your relationship with yourself,
then head on over to Stresslessating dot com and sign
up to watch the Stressless Eating webinar, where I walk
(24:15):
you through the exact five step game plan my clients
use to heal themselves from the all or nothing diet
mentality for good, but you know, without restricting themselves and
punishing their bodies, and definitely without ever having to use
words like macros, low carb, or calorie burns. So I've
laid it all out there for you in five easy,
(24:36):
easy steps over at stresslessading dot com and if you
like today's episode, we will be back next week for
more Outweigh, where we're going to talk about why weekend
self sabotage is a thing and what to do about it.
So I'm Leanne Ellington and I will talk to you
then
I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
I'm made, don't won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning love who I am a young I'm strong,
I'm feel free, I know every part of me it
is beautiful and then will always out way if you
(00:24):
feel it with your hands and be here, She'll some
love to the boy. Get there, say go one day
at home? Did you and die out way? Happy Saturday, Outweigh.
I'm Leanne Ellington and I'm a friend of Amy's and
the author and creator of Stressle Seeding, and I'm back
again as the resident guest host for a few episodes
(00:46):
of Outweigh, which we started doing a couple of weeks ago,
so if you missed those, definitely go back and check
those out. So one was about why your brain thinks
it wants sugar, and the other was is your social
media relationship or your relationship with social media helping or
harming your self esteem? And of course your relationship with
(01:07):
food and your body. So we got into the nitty
gritty details about both of those subjects. Today, though, we're
going to talk about something that comes up so much
in the work that I do, and it can absolutely
unconsciously sabotage you too if you're not aware. So maybe
this resonates with you. So just kind of ask yourself,
(01:28):
have you ever gone to start a new planner program
and on the surface your gung ho, you know you're
ready to take it by the reins, you're deeply committed
and hoping. Well, let's be honest, maybe you're secretly praying
that this time really is going to be different, that
this will be the thing that changes everything for you.
(01:49):
But you know, secretly, in the back of your mind,
if you're totally honest with yourself, you're kind of waiting
for it to fail. So perhaps you're even, you know,
outright expected it to fail because you know in your
heart of hearts that even though the plan or the
program itself might be different this time around, you know
that deep down you haven't changed, like you haven't gotten
(02:13):
your mind or your head or your brain and your
heart aligned in a way that would cause things to
be different. And so one of the biggest struggles my
stressless seeding clients have when they come to me is
the inner chatter and the internal self talk of you know,
what my clients would call self sabotage. But we talked
about that a couple of weeks ago of what that
really is. And I call them the never gonna inner voices,
(02:37):
as in, you know, you're never gonna do this or
you're never gonna have that. So it's those voices that
really kind of sabotage you before you even begin, the
ones that say, you know you're never gonna get there,
what makes you think this time is going to be
any different? Or you're never going to stick with this
long term, like you know how this story ends, or
(02:58):
you're never actually gonna get past this, like just face it,
you're gonna be dealing with this the rest of your life,
or you're never gonna see this thing through, like this
is just gonna be one more thing that you start
and don't finish, So why even bother? Or one of
the most common ones that I hear from my clients
is what if I'm the one person this doesn't work
(03:19):
for because I'm too broken, too messed up, too far
gone to you know whatever, and I'm never gonna really
find anything that works right an ouch those that hurts right.
So I call those the never gonna inner voices, And
this is, in my opinion, one of the biggest things
that needs to get addressed in our self image or
(03:41):
else it will kind of become this self fulfilling prophecy.
So your voices might have a different name or a
different face. But if you're anything like myself or the
women I work with, you too have done your share
of trying to probably you know, outdiet those voices, or
outmotivate them, or out will power them, or you know,
outsmart them. Unfortunately, though, that is the part that's not working.
(04:06):
And I can promise you will never work because you know,
this is the part of your struggle that it's it's
not a diet or food problem, and it's not a
motivation or self sabotage problem, and it's not because you
are you know, indeed destined to never gonna your life away.
It's what I would call a thinking problem and a
(04:27):
brain problem, and it's a self image thing. Specifically, it's
in the category of what I would consider a self
esteem problem, but it's not in the way that most
people think about self esteem. So I used to think
that self esteem was just a matter of self confidence.
But what I've come to discover is that in reality,
(04:49):
self esteem is kind of like that no like trust
factor as in how much you know yourself, how much
you like yourself, and then the big one, how much
you trust yourself. So when it comes to the never
gonna inner voices, that's going to be the self trust factor.
That again, if you have those voices, the self trust
(05:11):
factor is going to be the part that's working against you.
So I see this all the time. You know, women
come to me and their self esteem is totally shot
because time after time after time they've witnessed themselves, you know, starting, stopping, starting, quitting, starting,
you get the point whatever it is, the play and
the program, and then they finally kind of say okay,
(05:32):
screw it. Right that by the time they come to me,
they're at that point where they don't really believe a
word that they say when they hear themselves say things
like Okay, this time it's going to be different or
this time I'm for real, because in reality, they've witnessed
themselves time after time making promises to themselves that they
(05:54):
either don't keep, that they can't keep, or they don't
even want to keep. Right, So not only do they
not believe a word they say when they make promises
to themselves that you know this time it's going to
be different. But on top of that, they believe themselves
less and less every time they go to make a
new promise, a new commitment, or a new declaration, essentially
(06:17):
ensuring that their self esteem bank account stays chronically overdrawn.
Because again, if you're witnessing yourself pulling from that self
esteem bank account, making promises, making promises and never putting back,
you know, a deposit of promises kept, right, it's going
to be overdrawn, for lack of a better way of
saying it. And you know, again, this is not a
(06:38):
diet or food problem, and it's not a motivation or
self sabotage problem. It's what I would call a self
esteem thing. But in that there's the big butt, Right,
that's actually a great problem to have, because the great
news about that is that addressing your self esteem and
what I would put in the category of self image,
it's totally treatable, right, It's something you can transform almost
(07:02):
immediately with the right strategies and the right tools. Unfortunately, though,
most people don't do this. They simply you know, commit
to the next diet, the next plan er program, or
the next you know shiny right, you know, short term
solution or band aid, and they never go address the
real problem. They never address all of the other stuff
(07:24):
that's bogging them down and bringing them down and weighing
them down. And again, that's the weight of the weight
that I mentioned on other episodes of Outweigh and one
of the first concepts I teach my clients because the
weight on your body isn't the real weight. The real
weight is all of this other stuff that we as
(07:45):
humans just carry around with us in our heads and
in our hearts. The real weight can be found embedded
in our thoughts and inside the walls of the stories
that we're telling to ourselves and about ourselves. And once
you make that shift, once you ditch that weight, the
weight of the weight, everything works, and every plan of
(08:09):
action becomes all of a sudden actionable, and everything begins
to flow. Well why is that, Well, that's because you
start working, and because you become the cause of the action,
and because you start to flow again. But I promise
you this, this kind of transformation will never be found
(08:29):
in another diet or program or plan because those things
are not the problem. And I mean, this was so
much love when I say you are the problem, But
by golly, you are also the beautiful solution. And wow,
what an opportunity that is, because that means that you
don't have to stay on that roller coaster, and that
(08:52):
means you can ditch the disempowering self image and self
esteem and self worth and of course the self talk
that's driving that and it's probably driving you absolutely bonkers.
You can ditch all of that, and that means you
can opt out of the dieting madness and the food
obsession and the stress and emotion that comes alongside your
(09:14):
body and food. But it really doesn't have to. That's
the part that's optional. Because when you do that, when
you ditch what I call the weight of the weight,
that's when you can just friggin you know, breathe and
think and feel how you want to feel without worrying
about being air quotes good enough or thin enough, or
pretty enough or fill in the blank. That is the
(09:36):
power you hold when you take a self image solution
approach aka, you know, a brain approach to your solutions
with your health and your body. And it's a power
that anyone can cultivate. But I promise you this, it
cannot and will not be found in another diet in
another programmer plan, because you cannot out diet, outperform or
(09:58):
out smart current brain, your current default thinking, and your
current self image. And that is where I invite you
and every person in this world to start. Okay, so
back to this idea of losing trust in yourself, one
(10:19):
of the most common struggles that my clients face is,
just like we talked about their self esteem a shot,
they really don't trust themselves anymore. Essentially, it's when you've
tried so many things that haven't worked, each time declaring
something along the lines of you know, this time, I'm
really going to do it, and this is the time,
or this is the one, this is the you know,
(10:40):
program plan diet fill in the blank that's going to
work for me, or this is the last one. This
is the program plan diet fill in the blank that's
going to end all program plan diets fill in the blanks, right,
And when it comes time to start the next diet,
the next plan, the next round of grit and determination
(11:00):
and willpower, not only do we not believe ourselves that
it's actually going to be different this time, but what
happens is you end up terrified to share it with
anyone else, So whether that's your partner or friend or colleague,
because you know, out of fear that they won't even
believe you or take you seriously, because you don't really
(11:21):
believe you or take you seriously. Right, maybe you're afraid
that you know, you've performed this whole song and dance
enough times that you don't even get taken seriously even
if you know they really do want to support you
or believe in you. So you just kind of stop
sharing about it. And that is the shame talking that,
you know, That's what shame does. It keeps us living
(11:41):
in isolation. It keeps us living in that secrecy. And
I see this happening all the time, and heck, it's
exactly how I used to feel each time I started out,
you know, some new plan or method that eventually I
just kind of stopped talking about it or telling anyone
about it altogether. You know, it gave me some song
knowing that when I eventually straight, and you know I
(12:03):
would because I was set up for a losing game,
at least I could confine the disappointment to me and
not have to explain it to anyone. But what this
does is this only adds another layer of struggle, because
now it's adding shame and loneliness, or you know, maybe
just the feeling that you're alone in your journey, both
(12:23):
of which or all of which I should say, are
really silent killers. So what's the solution. What do we
do about this? Well, first, I think it's really important
to talk about why it keeps happening, and I found
that it usually falls into one of the following categories.
So the first category is you are just getting smarter.
And what I mean by that is, you know, after
(12:44):
attempting one unsustainable, restriction driven plan after another, it's only
logical to assume that willpower and discipline they're not going
to just magically show up for you this time around, right,
not anymore than it did the last time, at least,
And that if things play out the way that they,
you know, kind of usually do for you, it is
(13:04):
actually safe to assume that this new plan isn't going
to work either. Right. It's actually smarter of you to
make this assumption, because nine times out of ten you
would be right. So that's the number one. Your brain's
actually getting smarter. You're not able to kid the kidder anymore. Right,
Category two is your brain keeps getting smarter. So one
is you get smarter right now, It's like, okay, your
(13:26):
brain's getting smarter. So when I say this is a
brain thing, you can't outsmart your brain without getting too
geek because you probably know by now I like to
get geeky. It's helpful to know that short term habits
and those long term always have them always, you know,
actually become a habit in your brain. Kind of habits
(13:46):
I should say, like you know, it's it's there. You
don't have to think about it. It just becomes part
of who you are. So the short term habits and
then the long term always habit, this is just who
you are. Habits they live in two separate parts of
your brain. The long term brain is driven by ease
and pleasure, and when your brain experience is the opposite
of those two things, So you know, things like resistance
(14:09):
or force or persuading yourself to do things you don't
want to do, or constant hunger because you're trying to
diet or cut calories or whatever, right that restriction, all
of those things, they're obviously the opposite of ease and pleasure.
So when your brain experiences that It essentially says, Okay,
don't worry long term brain. We don't have to move
this over to the long term part of our brain.
(14:30):
They're not going to be doing it very long and
nine times out of ten your brain would be right.
So that's the second category, your brain. It's getting smarter, okay.
The third category is your heart and your soul and
your intuition keep getting more tuned in, they keep getting smarter.
So let's be honest. You know, this whole food and
body and self acceptance journey, it is not a rational one.
(14:54):
It's emotional. It tugs at your heart strings, it nags
at your spirit, and it's it's rare that I speak
with a woman that doesn't know that her problem is
not going to be solved with a diet. Right. You
can't logic and reason your way through an emotional problem,
otherwise you'll always be simply addressing the effects. And as
(15:15):
we talked about before, a lot of those ways of
addressing the problem aka dieting and the weight loss mentality
in general, actually make your problems worse. And if you're
like me and most people I know, when you get
truly and painfully honest with yourself, your heart and soul
and spirit knows that a diet won't cut it either,
(15:35):
and that you do need a different approach, that you
need something more or something deeper, and something bigger. And
nine times out of ten again you would be right.
So those are the big you know, three reasons why
this keeps happening. So how do you actually heal it? Well,
we should, We should definitely talk about that, right. So
the way I see it, there's a few layers to
(15:56):
this as well. And keep in mind, this is not
something that happens overnight. I actually walk my clients through
an entire twelve week process to really help them establish
a new relationship with themselves and a new relationship with
food in their body. But if I were to bottom
line it for you, I would say this, so first,
and this might sound obvious, but first you need a
(16:18):
better strategy because remember, your brain is failing, not because
it's actually failing, but because it's playing a losing game
that you will never be able to win. So when
I say that, what I mean is if you're using
a strategy that is founded in restriction or deprivation, or
punishing yourself or punishing your body, or you're persuading yourself
(16:40):
to do or eat or move in a certain way
that you don't even enjoy, or that maybe like you
really can't possibly stick with long term, Or if you're
using a strategy that causes you to spend an exorbitant
amount of time and energy and heart and soul thinking
about food and thinking about your body and your way,
when let's be honest, all you really want to do
(17:02):
is stop thinking about it, right, Or if you're using
a strategy that's getting harder the more you practice it,
and you're getting worse at it the more you practice it,
And that's really what the diet mentality is and how
it impacts you as in like you'll never get good
at it right, then your strategy is a big part
(17:23):
of the problem. And again this is where I have
to remind you that you can't outdiet a bad strategy either.
So if you do have a tendency to start things
and stop them, what if it's not because there's something
wrong with you. What if it's because it's a bad
strategy for you, or perhaps it's a broken model altogether,
(17:44):
one that I guarantee even the most willpower driven, you know,
strong and resilient woman couldn't sustain forever. So the first
part of the answer, and you know it's simple, not
easy because the world is throwing more diets at you.
But the simple answer is you need a better strategy.
But on the other side of it is you need
(18:05):
new stories and beliefs because you know, for example, I
could straight up give you the stressless eating strategy that
I teach my clients, but if we don't go identify
those weeds in the garden of your mind that are
causing you to not finish what you start to feel
like a failure to actually think you're a self sabotager,
(18:25):
or just simply those thoughts that are causing you to
think and act and feel and behave the way that
you are. They don't just go away on their own.
And again, you can't outdiet and outsmart and outperform those
beliefs either, And that's why it's got to be both.
So when I say both, it's like, yes, you need
a new strategy so that the food and body side
(18:48):
of things is simple and stressless and sustainable. And the
key word here is sustainable. One where you learn a
new language and a new paradigm one time. But it's
something that you practic for the rest of your life,
and the more you practice it, the easier it gets,
and the better at it you get. And that way
you don't have to practice it so much, and it
(19:09):
just becomes who you are versus dieting. Again, it just
gets harder the more you practice it, and you get
worse at it the more you practice it. And let's
be honest, you never get good at it. It never
just becomes who you are. But like we also talked about,
you've got to step into the stories and the self
image and the identity that you're going to need to
(19:30):
actually make all of that happen. So that's what I
mean when I say it's got to be both. And
I see women all the time just you know, kind
of taking on a new tactic, right, but it's the
same strategy. It's another new diet and it's got a
new name and a new face, but it's really just
more of the same, only maybe this time it's focusing
(19:52):
on calories and not carbs, or maybe it's focusing on
fat grams or time of the day that you're eating
or macros or whatever it is. Right, So, again using
a new tactic, but the same strategy will just create
more of the same problem. And then the big one
that women skive over is the self image thing that
we mentioned, because if you're constantly telling yourself that you're
(20:14):
a self sabotager or weak willed or a failure, it's
going to become this self fulfilling prophecy if you don't
address that, and that's what you'll actually step into, especially
if you have that kind of self talk fired and
wired into your relationship with food and your body. And
please know, I am not trying to sound all doom
(20:35):
and gloom or discourage you, but I'm just trying to
give you that awareness to see what recipe you're creating
that is kind of, you know, for lack of a
better way of saying it, a recipe for disaster and
a spiral that will keep repeating itself unless you heal it.
So just to kind of bring all of this together,
this whole self trust thing, it's not that you're actually
(20:57):
a self sabotager or failing all the time. If you
have lost that trust in yourself, you're human, right, And
the fact that you're even able to have this conversation
right now and you're even aware that perhaps you've lost
trust in yourself. I believe that that's a sign that
you're actually getting smarter, and that your brain is getting smarter,
and that your intuition is getting more honed in. And again,
(21:20):
I just want to emphasize, this is not a you problem.
It's just that the way you've been going about it
probably has set you up to fail, or has set
you up to appear like you are the failure at
this whole food and body thing, or that you can't
really trust yourself. But again, that's not who you are.
I believe that you really can trust yourself. You've just
(21:41):
probably been playing a losing game, one that, like we
talked about, even the most powerful, resilient, willpower driven woman
couldn't sustain very long. And I have no doubt that
you genuinely do want to solve the problem and close
the loop and make this time the last time, and
the solution then become Okay, well, how can I set
myself up for a game that I can actually win?
(22:04):
That's kind of the conversation I'm inviting you into, right, So,
how can you embark on a journey that actually makes
you happy and makes your brain happy and makes your
heart and soul happy so that you can stick with it,
and that you do stick with it. That is where
your version of the solution lives. It's when we keep
playing the short term gratification, quick results put a band
(22:25):
aid on the problem kind of game aka you know,
diets and quick fixes, and never really find the long
term solution and never actually heal our struggles. That we
stay stuck in that cycle. Right, But when you heal that,
as in, rewire your brain with a new long term,
forever strategy, and rewire your brain by healing your self
(22:46):
esteem and self image, Wow, absolute magic starts happening, and
not just with food in your body, it's everywhere. And
that belief that you can't trust yourself or will never
be able to trust yourself, well that just fades in
the back. It becomes a distant memory. But and I
mean this part was so much love. You have to
go heal it. Like this is not the whole not
(23:09):
trusting yourself. It really is a big deal and it
doesn't just go away on its own, and you can't
address it with dieting, right, and trust me, I know
that taking this whole self love and brain based approach
to healing your relationship with food in your body. I
get it. It's not as sexy as losing twenty pounds
in twenty minutes, like the world is trying to throw
at you. But I promise, promise, promise you that when
(23:33):
you do, you are going to meet a version of
yourself that you absolutely love and that is the most
important relationship you could ever invest in. So that is
it for today, out weigh. I hope you got exactly
what you needed today. And even if you got one
little golden nugget or one small distinction that sparked something
(23:54):
in your brain, well that would honestly make me very happy.
So if you liked what you heard today and you
want to hear more in depth about the process of
rewiring your own brain and self image when it comes
to food and your body and really your relationship with yourself,
then head on over to Stresslessating dot com and sign
up to watch the Stressless Eating webinar, where I walk
(24:15):
you through the exact five step game plan my clients
use to heal themselves from the all or nothing diet
mentality for good, but you know, without restricting themselves and
punishing their bodies, and definitely without ever having to use
words like macros, low carb, or calorie burns. So I've
laid it all out there for you in five easy,
(24:36):
easy steps over at stresslessading dot com and if you
like today's episode, we will be back next week for
more Outweigh, where we're going to talk about why weekend
self sabotage is a thing and what to do about it.
So I'm Leanne Ellington and I will talk to you
then
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