March 2, 2023 • 19 mins
HOW TO be love(d) with HUMBLE THE POET!
Love is EVERYWHERE.
Open your HEART, catch the LOVE.
Love is always FLOWING and EXISTING.
Establish a PATHWAY.
VULNERABILITY establishes LOVE.
By the end of this episode, you'll know specific tools on HOW TO become love, receive love, and feel loved!
Grab a copy of Humble The Poet’s new book, “HOW TO BE LOVE(d): Simple truths for going easier on yourself, embracing imperfection, & loving your way to a better life,” HERE: https://assist331.wixsite.com/website-2
Connect with HUMBLE THE POET:
Website: https://www.humblethepoet.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, can we kind of go through some of these steps?
So in your book how to Love or How to Love,
How to Be Loved, How to be Loved, which is amazing,
Humble the poet just came out, and can we kind
of go through some of the steps of how to
be love that you talk about in this book, because
it's it's just there's love can be so confusing and
(00:21):
it's so layered. But we want the truth of how
to be loved, and that's what you're really explaining, is
the truth of how to be loved. Yeah. And I
don't want and I don't want this to sound like
I found some secret that like nobody else has access
to and you have to buy my book to figure
it out. I think the way you're just sharing, you're
sharing your findings. Yeah, and I'm and I'm doing that
(00:43):
elementary school teacher thing where I'm simplifying it, you know.
That's that's my my My skill set is my ten
thousand hours is putting words together, you know, so my
ten you know. So the work I'm doing here is
I spent three years researching love and then I put
the words together to try to make it. How did
you research love I read. I read every lecture in
(01:05):
paper by every clinical psychologist, every spiritual teacher, every poet
that went through love songs, Like I became obsessed with
trying to understand what love was. Oh my god, this
is so cool. So you just like put in that.
You're not scared to put in a hard hours to
like get to and you want a wide survey. You
want the full spectrum of all the people who are
(01:27):
playing in their arena of love, their take on it,
what it means. So you've gone after the highest thought
leaders and artists and artists, people expressing it, and you've
studied it. Yoh well, I mean look at I mean
I'm lucky. That's I'm so lucky that that gets to
be my life. Like I get to pick a topic
that I think I suck at, I get to dive
in deep. And the entire book was inspired by me
(01:52):
ending a relationship and you thought, you're you just feel
like you're terrible at loves, like like I failed at
that relationship. I knew that person to this day, that
personal an amazing individual, and I was trying to figure
out why wasn't I able to receive the love that
they had for me? Okay, what did you come up
with after all this research in like spiritual journey? Tell me, like,
(02:13):
tell me some of the topics like break down for us. Yeah,
so the big thing is you don't find love, you
don't earn love. You don't need to be worthy of love,
You don't need to be enough for love. Love is
in something that that requires a qualification. Love doesn't require
you to be something. Love is always existing. Think about
love like a breeze. The work isn't to find the breeze.
(02:36):
You don't have to look for a breeze. The work
is to open your sale catch the breeze. So what
we have to yeah, so what we have to do
here is we have to create pathways for love to flow.
The love is flowing, this love everywhere. Oh but we're
just like tuped under a rock, avoiding the breeze and
the love. Or like yeah, or we've built up walls,
(02:59):
you know, As I said, we've built up these protective layers,
you know, and then these protective layers is blocking the
flow of love. Love can't flow if you have, you know,
a whole bunch of walls. So for example, me and
you right now, we've met for the first time. What
we're doing now today is we're establishing a pathway for
love to flow. You know, there's only so much of
a pathway we can create after one interaction. But if
(03:19):
me and you start talking every single day, what's going
to happen is that pathway is going to get wider
and more stable and stronger and and and the materials
that we're going to use for that will be vulnerability.
You know, me and you can talk every day, and
it can be surface level, and I'm sure it's people
you work with your surface level. We're not building a
deeper connection, so there's not that. But then there's again
(03:44):
it said, there's deep ideas, but there's also deep vulnerability, right,
So vulnerability is what's going to establish the love. Right,
So that is us establishing the pathway now tomorrow. Let's
say you you do something and I interpret it negatively.
I'm throwing a piece of rubble on our path and
now I'm blocking the flow. It's like throwing a rock
in a river. It changes the flow of the river. Right,
(04:06):
So what we have to do is we have to
and it's a really interesting idea is from Peter Crohn
and what he says is instead of saying I love
you say you show me where love is? You know
what does that mean? So love is everywhere? So the
quote for love, I think it's brilliant and it says
love is what exists when all other emotions cease to exist. Oh,
(04:29):
it's just it's like the blue sky and everything else
with the clouds. Yeah, I think that's a that's a
good way of looking at it. Um Or it's it's
the screen that life is playing on. Oh yeah, it's
just back there, but you don't even know that it's there.
It's just like hello here I am. Yeah, So let
me Christianity, for example, you know, holl this together, holding
this all together literally, and so in uh, you know,
(04:53):
in the Bible, for example, you know the first sin
was biting from the tree of good and evil. Right,
that's that's good and evil creates duality, right, good? Bad?
Up down? Black? White? You know, hot, cold, None of
these concepts actually exist. You know what is hot? What
is cold? When did something stop being hot? When does
it start being cold? Right? When did something start being
(05:16):
good and stop being bad? Like we can when we
get deeper with these things, we can't. You can't interpret
something as only bad or only good. So that was
the sin. The sin was judgment. The sin was viewing
this life through this dualistic view. And you'll realize people
who think deeper stop looking at life dualistically. They understand
it's not black and white. There's just endless grain between.
(05:39):
So life exists beyond duality. So we love exists beyond duality.
So when we say so the duality, so we have
to look at we have to look at this duality
and how often we participate in it. So if you
do something and I'm like, oh, that was bad, I'm
creating blockages of love between us. Just think about it
now as a mother for example, they're that relationship is
(06:04):
pretty much one sided for the first couple of years,
you know. But the love, the but the pathway of
love is super strong. It's wide open. And and and
this is the lesson that you have to we have
to realize, is it doesn't require reciprocity, it doesn't require history,
it doesn't even require, you know, a lot of vulnerability.
(06:24):
You know, and I love the child because they're yours.
Love the child because of your so you know. And
and I have two sisters and they both have teenage
kids now, and you know their policy is as they
get older, they find different ways to poop on you,
and your jobs remains the same, keep them alive. And
you know you don't say this this this kid keeps
(06:45):
pooping on me, I don't love them, you know. And
I think the reason love starts to feel complicated because
we start we abandon these ideas. When it comes to
romantic love now we make it now, we make it.
And friendship love, well, you know, it depends, you know,
because I think a lot of the times when we
have these childhood best friends, we established the pure love
(07:06):
strong pathways. And so that's why you can stay so
strong with your childhood best friends because you it started
in such purity like that, you know, it's pure, and
it can still change. We can still, you know, stuff
can get in the way. And I think, like you know,
I have a lot of the same friends I've had
since elementary school. And it's the communication that we're comfortable
with that allows stuff, you know, because you start to
(07:29):
realize a lot of falling outs between friends really have
to do with communication. You know, somebody makes a mistake,
they're too scared to fess up to it, and they
stop answering their phone and then all of a sudden,
now there's a disconnect or something. Whereas I realized with
my friends is they'll always answer the phone. If they
mess up, they'll they'll own it. You know, I messed
up that established? And you have that, yeah established, We
(07:51):
have decades of it. Yeah, And I also like even now,
like as we got older, I've you know, I've just
reminded them that look man like, we have decades together,
no conflicts ever, even when we were partying, even if
everybody was drunk, we've never had a conflict. Let's keep
that street going. And you know, I need you to
(08:13):
help me with this thing. If you can't help me,
to say you can't help me, I'm not gonna hate you,
but don't disappear on me. Yeah, that's where the resentment
is going to come. They're just not having communication. Okay,
So that's a big one. So the parent child thing,
the parent can keep it clean until sometimes the parent
loses that ability and then the whole relationship was up
with the child. So what happens when we when we
(08:35):
lose the clean clear love that's just there and we
mess it all up with all Well, the better way
to look at. Is we we we put we blocked
the pathway. I don't lose the love. The love is Yeah.
It's like you you close your sale or you poke
holes in it, right, then the sale is not as effective.
That's our insecurities. That's our lack of communication, that's our
(08:56):
lack of vulnerability, you know. So again when we think
in terms of duality, people think vulnerability is you know, like,
oh I met you today, let me tell you my deepest,
darkest secrets. No, like vulnerable. I can be vulnerable with you.
And I learned this from my therapist. My therapist said,
hold two vulnerable stories in your pocket that you could
(09:17):
tell a stranger the first time you met them that
would not scare them away. So one of my vulnerable
stories is about, you know, my first dog and having
a dog for eleven years and losing him and having
to put him to sleep and how much that broke
my heart and how much I avoided dogs after that,
and how if I was walking down the street and
I saw a dog that looked like my dog, I
(09:38):
would have a physical reaction, you know, and I'd want
to run up to that dog and give it a hug.
And then you know later on, you know, years and
years and years later, I'm at a legal COVID party,
you know, and a friend says, hey, somebody ordered this
puppy from a breeder and they don't want it because
it came out black and they thought it was going
(09:59):
to come out brown and do you want it? And
I was like, dog racism, that's pretty stupid. But I
was like, and this isn't Toronto. I was like yeah.
I was like, I'm moving. I plan to move to
the States once COVID is over. Um, I can't get
a dog. And then you know, the party progressed. Shots
of tequila were taken and then I'm like, instantly, I
need the dog. Where's the dog? Give me the dog?
(10:20):
And then you know, I got I got the dog.
And you know, she's you know, she is my my roommate,
my daughter, or my wife, my everything. And she traveled
with me from Canada to LA and she enjoys all
the pretty girl privilege that comes with being in LA.
She's gotten a modeling. We got discovered in the park
and she got a modeling gig. We got paid well
(10:42):
for her to take pictures in a private jet and
it's completely hilarious as having this experience. She's undefeated, She's
allowed everywhere dogs aren't allowed. And then you know, everything
was great. But during during COVID, when I had her,
she was, you know, a COVID puppy. Um, I'd have
to drop her off at the front door of the
vet because you weren't allowed to go inside. Back then
(11:04):
when I first got her to get all her shots.
And then fast forward to last year as things have
opened up here in La at least, the first time
I took into a vet's office, I saw the big
metal table and I instantly had an emotional reaction because
that I haven't I hadn't seen one since I put
my last dog to sleep. You know, Wow, that's a
(11:24):
vulnerable story I can tell the stranger. Yeah, it doesn't
make me afraid of judgment, and it doesn't make me
think I'll scare them away. But why is it important
for you to have that so you can share, so
you can show that you're willing to be real and honest.
I think vulnerability is giving someone permission to hurt you, saying, look,
you could like you could if you wanted to. You
could make fun of the story and break my heart.
(11:48):
You know, that's how a connection is established, putting out
my hand and at the risk of having it slapped away,
and and and the point of illustrating the story was
it's not a big it's not a deep, dark story.
It's not a story that is going to scare a
stranger away after hearing it. And what we'll learn the
more we do it is the more you're vulnerable with people,
(12:09):
the more you're giving them an opportunity to be vulnerable
with you. And that's a deeper connection, you know, if
you want, you know, I went to Poland with a
group of men and I trained with wim Hoff. I
went in and the ice training set and sat in
the ice. I didn't know any of these men before this.
There's thirteen guys, x NFL players, influencers, artists, what have you.
(12:33):
What I realized is we bonded. We bonded over the
con and suffering. We bonded over the insecurities and the fears,
like like, okay, today we're gonna sit in this frozen
lake and everyone you know having the mull about that? Belle?
What about frost bite? What about this? What about that?
That created so many opportunities to be vulnerable that. You know,
that was a five day trip and we are the
(12:54):
closest friends two three years later. And I realized that
created a deeper connection than had we all gone to
Hawaii and just partied. Yeah. You know, you want to
get deep with people, Suffer with them, Yeah, the trenches
with them, get vulnerable with them, get ugly with them,
you know, and it doesn't have you know. And and
(13:15):
and as I said, like hearing one of one of
the gentlemen, he you know, he he he he was
a black, a black man, and he was married to
a white woman, and he had you know, mixed race kids,
and he was crying about the challenges that they had,
just kids, asking them about the texture of their hair
or whatever. You know, this is I don't have children.
There's not something I can relate to. But seeing him
(13:37):
cry opened up this relationship. And he didn't, you know,
And there wasn't any judgment and the and this was
a room of athletes and entrepreneurs and and and I said,
there was and there still was, you know, elements of
alpha there. When we went in the ice, nobody wanted
to be the first one out. There was competitiveness, There
was all of that but there was also this vulnerableness,
(13:59):
and that vulnerableness to this day has been amazing because
when we see each other, it's long hugs, it's you know,
it's still sharing our challenges and our problems with each other.
And you realize that allows you to be seen. That's
what we care about. Being vulnerable, lets you be seen? Yes?
And is that number one to be vulnerable? Being vulnerable
(14:23):
is I think it's a step one would be recognize
your your hesitation around vulnerability and realize that vulnerability isn't
zero or one hundred. Okay, so I under I have
vulnerabilities and insecurities and I'm not going to tell you
that I've met you for the first time today, like
we have to establish a stronger pathway before we get there.
(14:47):
And that's okay, you know so, But I still want
to be seen by you, and it's recognizing that getting
your attention, getting your affection, getting your admiration, that's not love.
Having you authentically see me is love. And we know
this because everyone that we authentically love right now, we
(15:09):
know all their flaws, we know all their challenges, we
know everything they're going through. None of that disqualifies them
from love. You don't have to be perfect to be loved.
And what I'm saying there is no enoughness. I think
the story is right. Now, are like you are worthy
of love? No, there's no such thing as worthiness. How
do you Humans aren't measured in terms of worthiness, you know,
(15:32):
humans aren't measured in terms of enoughness, Like enoughness is
for your gas tank? Do I have enough gas to
get to my destination? Not? Am I enough of a
person to be loved? How do you define enoughness of
a person? How do you define enoughness of a flower
or of a butterfly? You don't, you know? So let's
get rid of these because the reason we have these
(15:52):
kind of ideas And as I said, I love going
back to historic ideas of this, which is we live
in a society which is by stuff be happy. So
now I think it's finally proving to not work, like
people are realizing that's not the fix. It's not the fix,
but it's the story, and it's a very strong story.
(16:13):
And so how do I convince you that you need
more than two outfits? You know? I need to give
me that You're not enough with just two outfits. You're
not enough with just a car that takes you from
A to B. You know. It was a dude by
the name of Edward Burnes. He was Sigmund Freud's nephew.
He invented marketing. You know, he's the one that made
it normal for women to smoke cigarettes. And the way
(16:34):
he did it was by telling women that they're being
oppressed about not smoking cigarettes. And he had the influences
of the days referred to cigarettes as freedom torches. Wow.
Literally he made it an emotional thing. He pulled on
their emotional heartstrings, being like, why aren't you allowed to smoke?
Why do men get to smoke? And you don't mean
while they're you know, they're sucking on toxins. Calling him
(16:55):
freedom torches. You know, there's an emotional yes, emotionally manipulating.
So it's the same thing where it's like and and again.
If you there's a company called Fair and Lovely in
India skin bleaching. You know, if you if you want
to see some horrific commercials, just you know, find them
on YouTube. They'll literally have a woman going for a job.
This is a commercial. She'll go in for a job, interview,
(17:17):
not get the job, go home, put on the skin bleaching,
come back and get the job, like these are real
commercials on television there, wow, And and in the United States,
the commercials are a lot more subtle. It's like, hey,
buy some maybeling you're worth it. You know, it's it's
a lot more subtle, it's not, but they're still telling
you the same idea of like you need like you're
(17:39):
not allowed to have a line on your face, you're
not allowed to have a crevice on your face. You
need to look like you're twelve years old all the
time otherwise people won't accept you. And if you don't
want to buy the makeup, use this filter and use
all of this. And again it appeals to a biological
sense in us, you know. And that's and that's what
it is, and it's it's something that we just have
to recognize where it's like, listen, listen, there's an economy
(18:01):
here people. You know, there's a society requires people to
buy stuff for it to keep flowing. And they're gonna
keep sending you messages and signals that you're not good
as you are, and you need more. You need a
bigger house, you need a better car, you need another partner,
you need more followers, you need a blue check mark.
You need this many listeners on the podcast, You need
all of these things. And it's realizing that you start,
(18:24):
you start to subtly think you have to qualify for love,
when really all of these things are going to give
you things that aren't loved. They're going to give you power, influence, attention,
um as I said, affection, admiration, maybe even worship. You
know you'll have all these things, but they're not love.
And you know they're not love. They're as much loves
as McDonald's food. You know it's easy, cheap, convenient, then
(18:48):
you want more instantly. You know it's delicious. It's not
nutritious because love love, love isn't delicious. Love is peace.
You know love is peace
Okay, can we kind of go through some of these steps?
So in your book how to Love or How to Love,
How to Be Loved, How to be Loved, which is amazing,
Humble the poet just came out, and can we kind
of go through some of the steps of how to
be love that you talk about in this book, because
it's it's just there's love can be so confusing and
(00:21):
it's so layered. But we want the truth of how
to be loved, and that's what you're really explaining, is
the truth of how to be loved. Yeah. And I
don't want and I don't want this to sound like
I found some secret that like nobody else has access
to and you have to buy my book to figure
it out. I think the way you're just sharing, you're
sharing your findings. Yeah, and I'm and I'm doing that
(00:43):
elementary school teacher thing where I'm simplifying it, you know.
That's that's my my My skill set is my ten
thousand hours is putting words together, you know, so my
ten you know. So the work I'm doing here is
I spent three years researching love and then I put
the words together to try to make it. How did
you research love I read. I read every lecture in
(01:05):
paper by every clinical psychologist, every spiritual teacher, every poet
that went through love songs, Like I became obsessed with
trying to understand what love was. Oh my god, this
is so cool. So you just like put in that.
You're not scared to put in a hard hours to
like get to and you want a wide survey. You
want the full spectrum of all the people who are
(01:27):
playing in their arena of love, their take on it,
what it means. So you've gone after the highest thought
leaders and artists and artists, people expressing it, and you've
studied it. Yoh well, I mean look at I mean
I'm lucky. That's I'm so lucky that that gets to
be my life. Like I get to pick a topic
that I think I suck at, I get to dive
in deep. And the entire book was inspired by me
(01:52):
ending a relationship and you thought, you're you just feel
like you're terrible at loves, like like I failed at
that relationship. I knew that person to this day, that
personal an amazing individual, and I was trying to figure
out why wasn't I able to receive the love that
they had for me? Okay, what did you come up
with after all this research in like spiritual journey? Tell me, like,
(02:13):
tell me some of the topics like break down for us. Yeah,
so the big thing is you don't find love, you
don't earn love. You don't need to be worthy of love,
You don't need to be enough for love. Love is
in something that that requires a qualification. Love doesn't require
you to be something. Love is always existing. Think about
love like a breeze. The work isn't to find the breeze.
(02:36):
You don't have to look for a breeze. The work
is to open your sale catch the breeze. So what
we have to yeah, so what we have to do
here is we have to create pathways for love to flow.
The love is flowing, this love everywhere. Oh but we're
just like tuped under a rock, avoiding the breeze and
the love. Or like yeah, or we've built up walls,
(02:59):
you know, As I said, we've built up these protective layers,
you know, and then these protective layers is blocking the
flow of love. Love can't flow if you have, you know,
a whole bunch of walls. So for example, me and
you right now, we've met for the first time. What
we're doing now today is we're establishing a pathway for
love to flow. You know, there's only so much of
a pathway we can create after one interaction. But if
(03:19):
me and you start talking every single day, what's going
to happen is that pathway is going to get wider
and more stable and stronger and and and the materials
that we're going to use for that will be vulnerability.
You know, me and you can talk every day, and
it can be surface level, and I'm sure it's people
you work with your surface level. We're not building a
deeper connection, so there's not that. But then there's again
(03:44):
it said, there's deep ideas, but there's also deep vulnerability, right,
So vulnerability is what's going to establish the love. Right,
So that is us establishing the pathway now tomorrow. Let's
say you you do something and I interpret it negatively.
I'm throwing a piece of rubble on our path and
now I'm blocking the flow. It's like throwing a rock
in a river. It changes the flow of the river. Right,
(04:06):
So what we have to do is we have to
and it's a really interesting idea is from Peter Crohn
and what he says is instead of saying I love
you say you show me where love is? You know
what does that mean? So love is everywhere? So the
quote for love, I think it's brilliant and it says
love is what exists when all other emotions cease to exist. Oh,
(04:29):
it's just it's like the blue sky and everything else
with the clouds. Yeah, I think that's a that's a
good way of looking at it. Um Or it's it's
the screen that life is playing on. Oh yeah, it's
just back there, but you don't even know that it's there.
It's just like hello here I am. Yeah, So let
me Christianity, for example, you know, holl this together, holding
this all together literally, and so in uh, you know,
(04:53):
in the Bible, for example, you know the first sin
was biting from the tree of good and evil. Right,
that's that's good and evil creates duality, right, good? Bad?
Up down? Black? White? You know, hot, cold, None of
these concepts actually exist. You know what is hot? What
is cold? When did something stop being hot? When does
it start being cold? Right? When did something start being
(05:16):
good and stop being bad? Like we can when we
get deeper with these things, we can't. You can't interpret
something as only bad or only good. So that was
the sin. The sin was judgment. The sin was viewing
this life through this dualistic view. And you'll realize people
who think deeper stop looking at life dualistically. They understand
it's not black and white. There's just endless grain between.
(05:39):
So life exists beyond duality. So we love exists beyond duality.
So when we say so the duality, so we have
to look at we have to look at this duality
and how often we participate in it. So if you
do something and I'm like, oh, that was bad, I'm
creating blockages of love between us. Just think about it
now as a mother for example, they're that relationship is
(06:04):
pretty much one sided for the first couple of years,
you know. But the love, the but the pathway of
love is super strong. It's wide open. And and and
this is the lesson that you have to we have
to realize, is it doesn't require reciprocity, it doesn't require history,
it doesn't even require, you know, a lot of vulnerability.
(06:24):
You know, and I love the child because they're yours.
Love the child because of your so you know. And
and I have two sisters and they both have teenage
kids now, and you know their policy is as they
get older, they find different ways to poop on you,
and your jobs remains the same, keep them alive. And
you know you don't say this this this kid keeps
(06:45):
pooping on me, I don't love them, you know. And
I think the reason love starts to feel complicated because
we start we abandon these ideas. When it comes to
romantic love now we make it now, we make it.
And friendship love, well, you know, it depends, you know,
because I think a lot of the times when we
have these childhood best friends, we established the pure love
(07:06):
strong pathways. And so that's why you can stay so
strong with your childhood best friends because you it started
in such purity like that, you know, it's pure, and
it can still change. We can still, you know, stuff
can get in the way. And I think, like you know,
I have a lot of the same friends I've had
since elementary school. And it's the communication that we're comfortable
with that allows stuff, you know, because you start to
(07:29):
realize a lot of falling outs between friends really have
to do with communication. You know, somebody makes a mistake,
they're too scared to fess up to it, and they
stop answering their phone and then all of a sudden,
now there's a disconnect or something. Whereas I realized with
my friends is they'll always answer the phone. If they
mess up, they'll they'll own it. You know, I messed
up that established? And you have that, yeah established, We
(07:51):
have decades of it. Yeah, And I also like even now,
like as we got older, I've you know, I've just
reminded them that look man like, we have decades together,
no conflicts ever, even when we were partying, even if
everybody was drunk, we've never had a conflict. Let's keep
that street going. And you know, I need you to
(08:13):
help me with this thing. If you can't help me,
to say you can't help me, I'm not gonna hate you,
but don't disappear on me. Yeah, that's where the resentment
is going to come. They're just not having communication. Okay,
So that's a big one. So the parent child thing,
the parent can keep it clean until sometimes the parent
loses that ability and then the whole relationship was up
with the child. So what happens when we when we
(08:35):
lose the clean clear love that's just there and we
mess it all up with all Well, the better way
to look at. Is we we we put we blocked
the pathway. I don't lose the love. The love is Yeah.
It's like you you close your sale or you poke
holes in it, right, then the sale is not as effective.
That's our insecurities. That's our lack of communication, that's our
(08:56):
lack of vulnerability, you know. So again when we think
in terms of duality, people think vulnerability is you know, like,
oh I met you today, let me tell you my deepest,
darkest secrets. No, like vulnerable. I can be vulnerable with you.
And I learned this from my therapist. My therapist said,
hold two vulnerable stories in your pocket that you could
(09:17):
tell a stranger the first time you met them that
would not scare them away. So one of my vulnerable
stories is about, you know, my first dog and having
a dog for eleven years and losing him and having
to put him to sleep and how much that broke
my heart and how much I avoided dogs after that,
and how if I was walking down the street and
I saw a dog that looked like my dog, I
(09:38):
would have a physical reaction, you know, and I'd want
to run up to that dog and give it a hug.
And then you know later on, you know, years and
years and years later, I'm at a legal COVID party,
you know, and a friend says, hey, somebody ordered this
puppy from a breeder and they don't want it because
it came out black and they thought it was going
(09:59):
to come out brown and do you want it? And
I was like, dog racism, that's pretty stupid. But I
was like, and this isn't Toronto. I was like yeah.
I was like, I'm moving. I plan to move to
the States once COVID is over. Um, I can't get
a dog. And then you know, the party progressed. Shots
of tequila were taken and then I'm like, instantly, I
need the dog. Where's the dog? Give me the dog?
(10:20):
And then you know, I got I got the dog.
And you know, she's you know, she is my my roommate,
my daughter, or my wife, my everything. And she traveled
with me from Canada to LA and she enjoys all
the pretty girl privilege that comes with being in LA.
She's gotten a modeling. We got discovered in the park
and she got a modeling gig. We got paid well
(10:42):
for her to take pictures in a private jet and
it's completely hilarious as having this experience. She's undefeated, She's
allowed everywhere dogs aren't allowed. And then you know, everything
was great. But during during COVID, when I had her,
she was, you know, a COVID puppy. Um, I'd have
to drop her off at the front door of the
vet because you weren't allowed to go inside. Back then
(11:04):
when I first got her to get all her shots.
And then fast forward to last year as things have
opened up here in La at least, the first time
I took into a vet's office, I saw the big
metal table and I instantly had an emotional reaction because
that I haven't I hadn't seen one since I put
my last dog to sleep. You know, Wow, that's a
(11:24):
vulnerable story I can tell the stranger. Yeah, it doesn't
make me afraid of judgment, and it doesn't make me
think I'll scare them away. But why is it important
for you to have that so you can share, so
you can show that you're willing to be real and honest.
I think vulnerability is giving someone permission to hurt you, saying, look,
you could like you could if you wanted to. You
could make fun of the story and break my heart.
(11:48):
You know, that's how a connection is established, putting out
my hand and at the risk of having it slapped away,
and and and the point of illustrating the story was
it's not a big it's not a deep, dark story.
It's not a story that is going to scare a
stranger away after hearing it. And what we'll learn the
more we do it is the more you're vulnerable with people,
(12:09):
the more you're giving them an opportunity to be vulnerable
with you. And that's a deeper connection, you know, if
you want, you know, I went to Poland with a
group of men and I trained with wim Hoff. I
went in and the ice training set and sat in
the ice. I didn't know any of these men before this.
There's thirteen guys, x NFL players, influencers, artists, what have you.
(12:33):
What I realized is we bonded. We bonded over the
con and suffering. We bonded over the insecurities and the fears,
like like, okay, today we're gonna sit in this frozen
lake and everyone you know having the mull about that? Belle?
What about frost bite? What about this? What about that?
That created so many opportunities to be vulnerable that. You know,
that was a five day trip and we are the
(12:54):
closest friends two three years later. And I realized that
created a deeper connection than had we all gone to
Hawaii and just partied. Yeah. You know, you want to
get deep with people, Suffer with them, Yeah, the trenches
with them, get vulnerable with them, get ugly with them,
you know, and it doesn't have you know. And and
(13:15):
and as I said, like hearing one of one of
the gentlemen, he you know, he he he he was
a black, a black man, and he was married to
a white woman, and he had you know, mixed race kids,
and he was crying about the challenges that they had,
just kids, asking them about the texture of their hair
or whatever. You know, this is I don't have children.
There's not something I can relate to. But seeing him
(13:37):
cry opened up this relationship. And he didn't, you know,
And there wasn't any judgment and the and this was
a room of athletes and entrepreneurs and and and I said,
there was and there still was, you know, elements of
alpha there. When we went in the ice, nobody wanted
to be the first one out. There was competitiveness, There
was all of that but there was also this vulnerableness,
(13:59):
and that vulnerableness to this day has been amazing because
when we see each other, it's long hugs, it's you know,
it's still sharing our challenges and our problems with each other.
And you realize that allows you to be seen. That's
what we care about. Being vulnerable, lets you be seen? Yes?
And is that number one to be vulnerable? Being vulnerable
(14:23):
is I think it's a step one would be recognize
your your hesitation around vulnerability and realize that vulnerability isn't
zero or one hundred. Okay, so I under I have
vulnerabilities and insecurities and I'm not going to tell you
that I've met you for the first time today, like
we have to establish a stronger pathway before we get there.
(14:47):
And that's okay, you know so, But I still want
to be seen by you, and it's recognizing that getting
your attention, getting your affection, getting your admiration, that's not love.
Having you authentically see me is love. And we know
this because everyone that we authentically love right now, we
(15:09):
know all their flaws, we know all their challenges, we
know everything they're going through. None of that disqualifies them
from love. You don't have to be perfect to be loved.
And what I'm saying there is no enoughness. I think
the story is right. Now, are like you are worthy
of love? No, there's no such thing as worthiness. How
do you Humans aren't measured in terms of worthiness, you know,
(15:32):
humans aren't measured in terms of enoughness, Like enoughness is
for your gas tank? Do I have enough gas to
get to my destination? Not? Am I enough of a
person to be loved? How do you define enoughness of
a person? How do you define enoughness of a flower
or of a butterfly? You don't, you know? So let's
get rid of these because the reason we have these
(15:52):
kind of ideas And as I said, I love going
back to historic ideas of this, which is we live
in a society which is by stuff be happy. So
now I think it's finally proving to not work, like
people are realizing that's not the fix. It's not the fix,
but it's the story, and it's a very strong story.
(16:13):
And so how do I convince you that you need
more than two outfits? You know? I need to give
me that You're not enough with just two outfits. You're
not enough with just a car that takes you from
A to B. You know. It was a dude by
the name of Edward Burnes. He was Sigmund Freud's nephew.
He invented marketing. You know, he's the one that made
it normal for women to smoke cigarettes. And the way
(16:34):
he did it was by telling women that they're being
oppressed about not smoking cigarettes. And he had the influences
of the days referred to cigarettes as freedom torches. Wow.
Literally he made it an emotional thing. He pulled on
their emotional heartstrings, being like, why aren't you allowed to smoke?
Why do men get to smoke? And you don't mean
while they're you know, they're sucking on toxins. Calling him
(16:55):
freedom torches. You know, there's an emotional yes, emotionally manipulating.
So it's the same thing where it's like and and again.
If you there's a company called Fair and Lovely in
India skin bleaching. You know, if you if you want
to see some horrific commercials, just you know, find them
on YouTube. They'll literally have a woman going for a job.
This is a commercial. She'll go in for a job, interview,
(17:17):
not get the job, go home, put on the skin bleaching,
come back and get the job, like these are real
commercials on television there, wow, And and in the United States,
the commercials are a lot more subtle. It's like, hey,
buy some maybeling you're worth it. You know, it's it's
a lot more subtle, it's not, but they're still telling
you the same idea of like you need like you're
(17:39):
not allowed to have a line on your face, you're
not allowed to have a crevice on your face. You
need to look like you're twelve years old all the
time otherwise people won't accept you. And if you don't
want to buy the makeup, use this filter and use
all of this. And again it appeals to a biological
sense in us, you know. And that's and that's what
it is, and it's it's something that we just have
to recognize where it's like, listen, listen, there's an economy
(18:01):
here people. You know, there's a society requires people to
buy stuff for it to keep flowing. And they're gonna
keep sending you messages and signals that you're not good
as you are, and you need more. You need a
bigger house, you need a better car, you need another partner,
you need more followers, you need a blue check mark.
You need this many listeners on the podcast, You need
all of these things. And it's realizing that you start,
(18:24):
you start to subtly think you have to qualify for love,
when really all of these things are going to give
you things that aren't loved. They're going to give you power, influence, attention,
um as I said, affection, admiration, maybe even worship. You
know you'll have all these things, but they're not love.
And you know they're not love. They're as much loves
as McDonald's food. You know it's easy, cheap, convenient, then
(18:48):
you want more instantly. You know it's delicious. It's not
nutritious because love love, love isn't delicious. Love is peace.
You know love is peace
Host
Caroline Hobby
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