February 9, 2023 • 11 mins
HOW TO assert and uphold boundaries with TERRI COLE!
Understand WHERE you need boundaries.
Assert them LOVINGLY.
Voice YOUR preference.
By the end of this episode, you'll know HOW TO begin asserting and upholding necessary boundaries in YOUR life.
GO TO boundaryboss.me/getreal for Terri's downloadable guide diving even deeper into the power of boundaries and overcoming codependency!
Listen to TERRI COLE How-To Minisode on GET REAL Podcast...NOW!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Terry Cole, who is the boundary Boss, literally has changed
my life and I'm sure millions of other people's lives
by this awareness of boundaries and real digestible, like understandable,
relatable terms. So it actually clicks. I told you earlier,
I feel like the man of the Iron masks, like
when I heard this conversation you have with Happy Heller
(00:20):
about boundaries, and like I felt like someone turned the
key and removed the mask from my brain. And now
I have like so much open space in my brain
because I've been high functioning co dependent. So you're gonna
walk us through a quick little how to, So go
ahead and just tell us talk about boundaries. House a
few little steps to get you go on on boundaries.
All right, Well, let's start with understanding where you need boundaries.
(00:43):
And this is something that really trips people up in
the beginning, where they're like, I don't even know, Like
I don't I literally don't know. So we're gonna do
a quick resentment inventory mm, because where you're feeling resentment
in your relationships is probably where a need is going
on met. So either a boundary is being crossed and
(01:06):
or a boundary is needed. Maybe you have a boundary
in your mind, you'd like to set a limit, but
you haven't actually done it. But then when that person
who doesn't know what you're thinking steps over that line,
you're like pisted and you keep accumulating that resentment. Right,
we just have a file cabinet because we are expecting
everyone to be these mind readers, like putting more more
(01:27):
resentment in the file cabinet. Yes, because it's like, don't
you know my boundaries? Can't you feel it? Like, because
I can feel it, you should feel it. But no,
how could anyone know what our boundaries are if we
don't let them know and and and hold them? Is correct?
And yet yeah, go ahead, sorry, yes, but it's our
(01:48):
it's our responsibility that that's the whole thing where when
you're acting as a high function or a regular functioning codependent,
we're putting all of this emphasis. We've been trained to
put all this emphasis on other people in other people's behavior.
So we're like, well, if Betty just hadn't asked me
to help her move, I wouldn't have to be put
in this position to have to say no. And the right,
(02:11):
So we get so piste off about that. When the
empowering piece is that we're going to flip that. And
when you realize that, you can simply and lovingly and
with kindness assert your preference. My preference is to not
help you move. That is my preference, and I'm not
(02:32):
going to so I'm unavailable to do that, and we
can do it in a loving way other people's expectation.
And this is don't worry you, guys. I am going
to get back to your resentment inventory, but I want
to tie this into the people pleasing part of being
a codependent, where even when you are a master of
(02:55):
the universe right, you are crushing it in life, making money,
doing all the work, being willing to work harder and
longer and more than all the other people. You're like,
I just will keep going until I get that thing done.
You are still being put in this position to people please.
You are still focused, unduly focused on the feeling states
(03:20):
of other people. You're talking to someone. As you had
said before, Carlin, you're like, you can read a room
in this expert way. So when I was in my twenties,
if I was talking to someone and I was going
a certain way, and I could see the micro expression
on their face, change. I could easily just bob and
weave to like a different way of So what I
(03:41):
was actually saying, like, yeah, just all all the skills,
Like what a waste? You know what I mean. So
you're gonna back to your resentment inventory. You're going to
write down who in the players we know, you know,
(04:03):
every single person listening to this right now. If I'm
like I think of the first person who comes to
mind that you might be holding some resentment for, they
come to your mind, you know who it is. So
you're going to write down the situation and start to
understand what needs to happen here. What's missing from this equation?
I'm pissed that my partner leaves the wet towels on
(04:27):
our wood floor. I mean, I just want to go,
what the hell's wrong with him or them? What? What's
the deal? Blah blah blah. Every time you see it,
you pick it up, you put it on the back
the fucking hook that's right on the back of the
bathroom door. But you you've now it's like we're tracking
that resentment. The question is have you asked your partner
(04:49):
to hang the f and thing up? Listen, we can
judge the graph out of the partner. We could be like,
what the hell's wrong with you? Obviously everybody knows that
a wet towel is gonna leave a day on the
wood floor. But that is not problem solving. That's just judgment, right,
that's just making the other person wrong in this situation.
Perhaps my client says to me, I haven't said anything
(05:11):
to him because he should know. All right, man, well
that's not getting you what you want, which is for
him to hang the avant towel up on the back
of the bathroom door. Right, So now we need to
go what what is the action that's needed that client
needs to have a conversation. Oh, hey, babe, I'd like
to make a simple request that you hang up the
(05:31):
wet tails and don't leave him on the floor. Well,
I was leaving them on the floor because that's where
we're putting the dirty laundry. No, no, dirty laundry goes
in the laundry room, right, or if it's not dirty,
hang it back up please, right, So so you you
get the requestion, So that now and then you want
to get an agreement. So, so can we agree that
you will do that? Partner says, yes, we'll do that.
(05:53):
That's an action that you can take. Now. My client
in that scenario was basically saying I shouldn't have to
say anything about it, and I'm like, hey, this is
a self sabotage and way of not making yourself vulnerable.
You're blaming your partner saying that somehow they were raised
(06:15):
badly because they're dropping their wet towel on the wood floor.
You don't want to be put in a position to
be vulnerable, so you're letting yourself off the hook to
have a hard conversation, even though I picked a really
simple example, right, because that's not even such a hard conversation.
But I don't want the I didn't want the example
(06:36):
to be so complex that it would be hard to
illustrate what I'm saying, right, which is there are things
that we can do, and here's the rubs sort of
you are of every relation hip and every interaction that
you're So what we're really looking at when we do
representment inventory is what is my fifty of what is happening. Oh,
(07:00):
for my client in that scenario, her was not saying anything,
So you're keeping the situation going and it's not about blame.
It's about understanding the dynamics of relationships. Sometimes our is
just staying in a shitty relationship or unsatisfying friendship because
the other person thinks we're their best friend even though
(07:22):
inside were like, dude, if I had a housewarming party,
you wouldn't even be invited, So I have no idea
why you think I'm your best friend. But part of
it is when you're high functioning codependent, you can be
so influenced by the way other people feel about you.
The image of you, right that is huge, And even
if you don't like them, if they have this great
image of you, you've got to keep it up for
(07:43):
him because you want them to like you. So you've
got to keep doing the thing but get that good
image going. And then you're like, I don't even get
want to be with you. What am I doing? That's
so funny. I always say this about high functioning codependency
and being people pleased. There could be someone who you
you literally have a dislike for, and if you hear
(08:06):
from someone that that person, if you hear from someone
that that person doesn't like you, you're like, wait a minute,
what everyone likes me. I didn't do anything. What is
there not to like about me like and instead of
instead of asking why, meaning why doesn't Betty like me?
The question is what the hell do I care? So
(08:29):
why do we care? Because part of it with people pleasing,
we're getting all of this validation from the outside. So
if someone doesn't like us, it's messing with our the
way we see ourselves, even if we don't like that person.
So this is it's a lack of discernment where we
(08:49):
need to discern who should be in the v I
P section of our life right Not every person who
thinks they should be there should be there. According to me,
people need to show us that they are emotionally trustworthy.
(09:10):
We want people who we value and who value us,
and we fill up their bucket and they fill up
our bucket. But instead, when you're a high functioning codependent,
I mean I was. I had no discernment in my twenties,
like I could get codependently attached to like my hair colors,
my mailman, like anybody if they had a problem. There
was no problem too big or too small that I
(09:31):
wouldn't jump into and have ideas and thoughts and connect
them with someone and give them a book and underline
things and yes, right, yes, oh my god, everyone like,
oh my heart is open for you fully right here,
your your your your eyes look sad. Why tell me why,
what's going on with you? Let me hear your heart?
Oh my gosh. And then I have to listen. And
(09:52):
then I was like, wow, you are so kind. It's
such a great listener and you have such a great heart,
like they Q, thank you, thank you. You're like, that's
what I was going for. That's what I was hoping
you would say and you would experience. But again, all
of this need for I used to say as I
(10:13):
was recovering from code, you know how functioning codependency, like
how much love and adoration could one mother effort need?
Meaning me a lot, me too, a lot, all of it,
the whole world. Well, that that's the whole thing. And
(10:34):
how exhausting it is when you need it from the
whole world. Oh my god, right, yeah, exhausting. Yeah, and avoidable,
avoidable because I teach this, you can learn this. You
are learning this right now. I have learned this in
(10:55):
my life, and I've taught millions of people probably at
this point, as you said, to make this shift so
that life can be more satisfying. Deeper because you limit
the level of intimacy that you're going to experience in
your relationships when you see people as projects instead of
(11:16):
as human beings, like I'm going to manage this person's feelings.
I'm going to manage their situation. Do you like it
when people manage you? Oh? Look that I hate it
and I wouldn't tolerate it. Like no way, I'm like
shut up, I got it, Like stop, I don't need
your advice, you know,
Terry Cole, who is the boundary Boss, literally has changed
my life and I'm sure millions of other people's lives
by this awareness of boundaries and real digestible, like understandable,
relatable terms. So it actually clicks. I told you earlier,
I feel like the man of the Iron masks, like
when I heard this conversation you have with Happy Heller
(00:20):
about boundaries, and like I felt like someone turned the
key and removed the mask from my brain. And now
I have like so much open space in my brain
because I've been high functioning co dependent. So you're gonna
walk us through a quick little how to, So go
ahead and just tell us talk about boundaries. House a
few little steps to get you go on on boundaries.
All right, Well, let's start with understanding where you need boundaries.
(00:43):
And this is something that really trips people up in
the beginning, where they're like, I don't even know, Like
I don't I literally don't know. So we're gonna do
a quick resentment inventory mm, because where you're feeling resentment
in your relationships is probably where a need is going
on met. So either a boundary is being crossed and
(01:06):
or a boundary is needed. Maybe you have a boundary
in your mind, you'd like to set a limit, but
you haven't actually done it. But then when that person
who doesn't know what you're thinking steps over that line,
you're like pisted and you keep accumulating that resentment. Right,
we just have a file cabinet because we are expecting
everyone to be these mind readers, like putting more more
(01:27):
resentment in the file cabinet. Yes, because it's like, don't
you know my boundaries? Can't you feel it? Like, because
I can feel it, you should feel it. But no,
how could anyone know what our boundaries are if we
don't let them know and and and hold them? Is correct?
And yet yeah, go ahead, sorry, yes, but it's our
(01:48):
it's our responsibility that that's the whole thing where when
you're acting as a high function or a regular functioning codependent,
we're putting all of this emphasis. We've been trained to
put all this emphasis on other people in other people's behavior.
So we're like, well, if Betty just hadn't asked me
to help her move, I wouldn't have to be put
in this position to have to say no. And the right,
(02:11):
So we get so piste off about that. When the
empowering piece is that we're going to flip that. And
when you realize that, you can simply and lovingly and
with kindness assert your preference. My preference is to not
help you move. That is my preference, and I'm not
(02:32):
going to so I'm unavailable to do that, and we
can do it in a loving way other people's expectation.
And this is don't worry you, guys. I am going
to get back to your resentment inventory, but I want
to tie this into the people pleasing part of being
a codependent, where even when you are a master of
(02:55):
the universe right, you are crushing it in life, making money,
doing all the work, being willing to work harder and
longer and more than all the other people. You're like,
I just will keep going until I get that thing done.
You are still being put in this position to people please.
You are still focused, unduly focused on the feeling states
(03:20):
of other people. You're talking to someone. As you had
said before, Carlin, you're like, you can read a room
in this expert way. So when I was in my twenties,
if I was talking to someone and I was going
a certain way, and I could see the micro expression
on their face, change. I could easily just bob and
weave to like a different way of So what I
(03:41):
was actually saying, like, yeah, just all all the skills,
Like what a waste? You know what I mean. So
you're gonna back to your resentment inventory. You're going to
write down who in the players we know, you know,
(04:03):
every single person listening to this right now. If I'm
like I think of the first person who comes to
mind that you might be holding some resentment for, they
come to your mind, you know who it is. So
you're going to write down the situation and start to
understand what needs to happen here. What's missing from this equation?
I'm pissed that my partner leaves the wet towels on
(04:27):
our wood floor. I mean, I just want to go,
what the hell's wrong with him or them? What? What's
the deal? Blah blah blah. Every time you see it,
you pick it up, you put it on the back
the fucking hook that's right on the back of the
bathroom door. But you you've now it's like we're tracking
that resentment. The question is have you asked your partner
(04:49):
to hang the f and thing up? Listen, we can
judge the graph out of the partner. We could be like,
what the hell's wrong with you? Obviously everybody knows that
a wet towel is gonna leave a day on the
wood floor. But that is not problem solving. That's just judgment, right,
that's just making the other person wrong in this situation.
Perhaps my client says to me, I haven't said anything
(05:11):
to him because he should know. All right, man, well
that's not getting you what you want, which is for
him to hang the avant towel up on the back
of the bathroom door. Right, So now we need to
go what what is the action that's needed that client
needs to have a conversation. Oh, hey, babe, I'd like
to make a simple request that you hang up the
(05:31):
wet tails and don't leave him on the floor. Well,
I was leaving them on the floor because that's where
we're putting the dirty laundry. No, no, dirty laundry goes
in the laundry room, right, or if it's not dirty,
hang it back up please, right, So so you you
get the requestion, So that now and then you want
to get an agreement. So, so can we agree that
you will do that? Partner says, yes, we'll do that.
(05:53):
That's an action that you can take. Now. My client
in that scenario was basically saying I shouldn't have to
say anything about it, and I'm like, hey, this is
a self sabotage and way of not making yourself vulnerable.
You're blaming your partner saying that somehow they were raised
(06:15):
badly because they're dropping their wet towel on the wood floor.
You don't want to be put in a position to
be vulnerable, so you're letting yourself off the hook to
have a hard conversation, even though I picked a really
simple example, right, because that's not even such a hard conversation.
But I don't want the I didn't want the example
(06:36):
to be so complex that it would be hard to
illustrate what I'm saying, right, which is there are things
that we can do, and here's the rubs sort of
you are of every relation hip and every interaction that
you're So what we're really looking at when we do
representment inventory is what is my fifty of what is happening. Oh,
(07:00):
for my client in that scenario, her was not saying anything,
So you're keeping the situation going and it's not about blame.
It's about understanding the dynamics of relationships. Sometimes our is
just staying in a shitty relationship or unsatisfying friendship because
the other person thinks we're their best friend even though
(07:22):
inside were like, dude, if I had a housewarming party,
you wouldn't even be invited, So I have no idea
why you think I'm your best friend. But part of
it is when you're high functioning codependent, you can be
so influenced by the way other people feel about you.
The image of you, right that is huge, And even
if you don't like them, if they have this great
image of you, you've got to keep it up for
(07:43):
him because you want them to like you. So you've
got to keep doing the thing but get that good
image going. And then you're like, I don't even get
want to be with you. What am I doing? That's
so funny. I always say this about high functioning codependency
and being people pleased. There could be someone who you
you literally have a dislike for, and if you hear
(08:06):
from someone that that person, if you hear from someone
that that person doesn't like you, you're like, wait a minute,
what everyone likes me. I didn't do anything. What is
there not to like about me like and instead of
instead of asking why, meaning why doesn't Betty like me?
The question is what the hell do I care? So
(08:29):
why do we care? Because part of it with people pleasing,
we're getting all of this validation from the outside. So
if someone doesn't like us, it's messing with our the
way we see ourselves, even if we don't like that person.
So this is it's a lack of discernment where we
(08:49):
need to discern who should be in the v I
P section of our life right Not every person who
thinks they should be there should be there. According to me,
people need to show us that they are emotionally trustworthy.
(09:10):
We want people who we value and who value us,
and we fill up their bucket and they fill up
our bucket. But instead, when you're a high functioning codependent,
I mean I was. I had no discernment in my twenties,
like I could get codependently attached to like my hair colors,
my mailman, like anybody if they had a problem. There
was no problem too big or too small that I
(09:31):
wouldn't jump into and have ideas and thoughts and connect
them with someone and give them a book and underline
things and yes, right, yes, oh my god, everyone like,
oh my heart is open for you fully right here,
your your your your eyes look sad. Why tell me why,
what's going on with you? Let me hear your heart?
Oh my gosh. And then I have to listen. And
(09:52):
then I was like, wow, you are so kind. It's
such a great listener and you have such a great heart,
like they Q, thank you, thank you. You're like, that's
what I was going for. That's what I was hoping
you would say and you would experience. But again, all
of this need for I used to say as I
(10:13):
was recovering from code, you know how functioning codependency, like
how much love and adoration could one mother effort need?
Meaning me a lot, me too, a lot, all of it,
the whole world. Well, that that's the whole thing. And
(10:34):
how exhausting it is when you need it from the
whole world. Oh my god, right, yeah, exhausting. Yeah, and avoidable,
avoidable because I teach this, you can learn this. You
are learning this right now. I have learned this in
(10:55):
my life, and I've taught millions of people probably at
this point, as you said, to make this shift so
that life can be more satisfying. Deeper because you limit
the level of intimacy that you're going to experience in
your relationships when you see people as projects instead of
(11:16):
as human beings, like I'm going to manage this person's feelings.
I'm going to manage their situation. Do you like it
when people manage you? Oh? Look that I hate it
and I wouldn't tolerate it. Like no way, I'm like
shut up, I got it, Like stop, I don't need
your advice, you know,
Host
Caroline Hobby
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