January 11, 2024 • 33 mins
If you've been tuning in to The Burn (and we hope you have), you're familiar with Caroline and me openly discussing where we're feeling burnt out and where we're burning bright. In this episode, we intentionally took the time to celebrate our own personal victories moving into the New Year. 2023 threw a lot of heartbreak at both of us in our own individual lives, and as we stepped into 2024, we have genuinely felt we are burning brighter and acknowledge with such gratitude that the work we have been doing within ourselves led us to this place. Through our conversations, we realize our significant step forward doesn't necessarily need to involve some elaborate goal setting for 2024; it can truly be celebrating the win of feeling at peace and content with exactly where we are. Hey, you might even make a bold move of moving your yoga mat to the front of the room or making the bold move to not
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Gus Sue's Buck.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Gus Sue's Buck starting out twenty twenty four with bangers.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
And you know what we're starting. I got your feet
in my lap, which I snuggle me, snuggle me because
you're All of our volumes are good. Twenty twenty four.
It's feeling good.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
How many days are we in? Yes? Today, nine or ten?
The night the night, nine days in? And I love
twenty twenty four for myself.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
I feel a definite difference in twenty twenty four from
twenty twenty three. Like the day twenty twenty four happened,
I was like, this is a good year. I feel it.
I'm claiming it. All of this heaviness left my body.
I just feel light and my word is lighthearted. I
just feel good this year, maybe because the past three
years have been freaking hard, hard, hard, and I'm like,
(00:49):
I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again.
I am not gonna go down the whole of sadness
about stuff. I am releasing all of the past that
was heavy and hard, taking the great lessons and having
a light year. I'm claiming it. So nobody messed it
up for me.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
No, And I know twenty twenty three, like we had highs.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Yeah, but there's some great seven twenty twenty three.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
I think both of us had extreme lows in twenty
twenty three in different places in our life and in
different things, and just for us having personal conversations and
what we shared on the podcast, like ready to release
it and ready to release them, ready to release it,
and I feel like I've released it.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
But that's the thing that is for anyone listening. I
want to talk about this because I think this is
a great point. I was so ready to get out
of my stuff last year, all the things that were
weighing me down, all the heaviness, all the heartache, all
the lessons, but I couldn't get it out. I was
going to yoga all the time with you, like crying
in the back of the room, just sobbing my eyes out,
like purging, purging, purging, but it would never would let up.
(01:52):
I could not get out of that phase. And then
it just released.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
It just happened.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
It just happened. So I want to tell people who
are like stuck in the hard part. Like I was
talking to a friend the other day and she's in
the middle of a fresh divorce. She's got grown kids,
she got a new life, and she's like, it's just
so much harder than I thought. And she's crying all
the time, and I'm like, hey, until the tears stop,
just cry because they will stop eventually, right, But if
they're there, you got to cry them out. And if
(02:18):
you're in that season of it's heavy and it's hard
and you're vulnerable and you're broken, you just got to
keep moving through it, feeling it, being in it, and
eventually it will release. Right, Yeah, explain that break that
down from me, because I'm like baffled by how it
finally released and I would been dying for it to release.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Okay, wouldn't let me verbalize this? And I say verbalize
this because it's not going to be clean. It's literally
just coming from what's my brain news maybe messy. So
just hearing you say that, I'm thinking about sweat, physical sweat,
and how often like if you're used to working out,
if you're used to all these things, we're like, okay,
we've been trained that sweat is good, right, we need
to purge toxins, all the things out of our body.
(02:54):
It helps build heat, burn energy, create change, build strength.
And then we also wore deodorant, like you know, but
I feel like us being so adverse to tears is
like emotional deodorant. We're like, let's track out when we
need to sweat. We need to get it on. We
need and we're trying to find the heaviest deodorant to
be like stop crying. Sometimes we need to cry. Well
(03:16):
that by sometimes, I mean most of the time we
need to cry. Why are we suppressing?
Speaker 1 (03:20):
So don't work anti persperist wear deodorant that doesn't have
I actually don't wear anti prespriant to yoga because I'm like,
I want to smell good, but I want to sweat
it out. I want to stop the sweat. People do
that when they feel the tears coming on and they
feel the pain, they want to run, They want to avoid.
They do not want to go into that painful thing.
But you're right, you have to go into it. Go
into it. Angela and Angeli said that, they're like, how
(03:41):
do you deal with heartache? She goes, you go swalk
straight into it as hard and as fast as you
can and feel it all and then get out you.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
I will play because music, music, I mean music is
like I could play it on and I can purposely
shift my mood in a heartbeat by whatever my playlist is.
But I purposely had to break my heart in place
some of the saddest heartbreaking songs that were all over
the place, like love, heartbreak, emotional heartbreak, like all the
things in the world, to sit there and just cry
by myself in my room, to get the tears out,
(04:10):
because sometimes I don't know why I'm feeling the way
I'm feeling.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Did you identify what you were feeling this life?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Why I do that through pain or through painting? Do
you know what feeling my pain?
Speaker 1 (04:19):
What part of your life were you purging last year?
Speaker 2 (04:22):
I mean a lot of it. It of course ties
back to my childhood and like expectations of what I
have put on me. And I'm supposed to be this person.
I'm supposed to be tough, and I will tell you
a person. We talked about this. I follow rules. I
do not like to break a rule. I do not
like anything one it was tied to shame. My thing
was like it's was tied to shame. I don't want
to be like you did weren't good enough? You did this.
(04:44):
I don't want to get in trouble. I am terrified
of getting in trouble. And for me, I didn't have
a lot of safe constraints and boundaries and rules in
my family that I crave those things to set me
up on a clear path. And the boundaries that I
did have were like crazy extreme, like not that. Yeah,
(05:05):
it was you can't watch the Simpsons, you can't watch MTV,
but you can watch horror movies filled with sex and
stuff so like, and then there was no sex talks
fault like it was crazy stuff, you know, sex talks. Yeah,
there was no sex talks. You know, yes, like life.
But for me, I'm like, okay, how can I find
a safe space with boundaries and like even creating and
(05:25):
managing like so many things I will carry for other people,
for teachers, for students, and while I take feedback and
all those things very well, I cannot please everybody. And
how can I find create the safest space, the most
supportive space and be okay with letting people down in
that process?
Speaker 1 (05:44):
So were you just kind of like purging out all
of that expectation that you had put on yourself that
isn't real. Yeah, it takes a lot to get all
that out. I feel like I've been doing that too.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
And looking in the mirror and looking in them and
being like, hey, there's still work to do. Come on,
there's still work to do. You've you've dug really really deep,
but there's still some shrapnels scattered throughout the yard that
we got to find. And it came back to what
would I want for my little self, like my little
joy of self looking at my daughters and my sons,
(06:21):
what would I want for them? And what mistakes did
I make with them for my parenting and how could
I grow and change? And for me, it wasn't New
Year's Day where I was like, I'm going to make
this change. It was little things that happened over my
break from work where I was truly present at home.
I experienced my grown kids and my younger daughter in
(06:41):
new ways. Like Christmas this year was completely different. Only
have one kid living with me at.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Home and you have six kids.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Yes, and my expectation is alway.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Raising kids a long time, Ristina, your.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Whole Yes, And I was raising myself.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
You've done such a good job. Yeah, and you still
have such a z and a spark and a joy
for life Like I was at the yoga studio. It
was yesterday or the day before, and you were there
and I was listening to you greet people and talk
to people, and I'm like, you are just a bright
bundle of joy. You make everyone feel so good, so loved,
so welcomed, so cozy. You just like, of all the
(07:19):
life that you've lived in, the hard, heavy life that
happened to you fast and furious, you're still so light
and you're still so joyous. And you had a lot
to sift through.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
I did, and I had to try, and I had
to work, and I had to, yeah, like do a
lot of reflection. And I will say, like, like I said,
Christmas Day was huge for me because it was a
complete different thing than I've ever experienced. Well, it's the
difference before I set these expectations of my older kids
when they moved out or they had girlfriends already, it
(07:49):
was basically when they moved out, if you do not
stay over for Christmas Eve, Santa doesn't come and so,
and it was my way of trying to control my
adult kids to stay at home, like you're not gonna
get Santa's presence if you don't. But it's just like
that is such crap, Like that's not fair. That's not
fair to them because.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Because you love them so much, yes, and you just
want them in you'resh I know my.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Way, but it's so selfish. Like my oldest son, how
old are your older dogs? Twenty three? But he has
his own house. He's moved out since nineteen. He bought
his first house at nineteen. Like, he has done so well,
and I've tried to keep him in constraints because I'm like,
I don't want you to mess up. I don't want
you to mess up. Mess up?
Speaker 1 (08:31):
Kid? Are you so proud?
Speaker 2 (08:33):
So this year I was like, okay, stay if you want.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Does he live here?
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Yeah, he's in Columbia.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Okay, we at least he's near.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
He's near. So he drove in the morning, got up early,
came over, and we had the best Christmas day, like
we I We opened up presents.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Santa come for him.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
We yeah, Santa came for everybody. I can't tell Santa.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
Well. It so hard to have so much love for
all these kids that you raising. I mean, I'm gonna
cry because I only have one. But like you've given
all of your heart too, especially like when you were
raising yourself and now they're grown up and you just
want them to be safe, and you just want them
to have a good life, and you just don't want
them to go through stuff, and you just don't want
them to hurt, and you just want them to be
with you, and you just don't hug them and kiss them,
(09:16):
and you can't help it.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
No, and an all boil down to I really wanted
to feel loved by my kids. I really wanted that
safe family thing that I go back to when I
was a kid, and that glimmer of what I had
for a small moment of like going and celebrating Christmas
Eve at my grandparents and then we go home and
like see it and we were just with each other.
(09:39):
And I'm also trying to fill a void that it's
not theirs to fill. I know they love me, and
it's not their job to fill that place of Christmas
spirit for me. It's my place to create that in
a new way for them as an adult.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
So you let all of your I.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Was like here now, the only thing is we joked.
I was like, can we please watch Et because it
was my son's favorite movie. I bought it on TV.
And then they were like, we got to girls like
et ET. So now we have a group chat about like,
are you all gonna go up much et with me?
Speaker 1 (10:09):
But we talked about this last time. Your husband was
he saying that you're controlling? Is that what he said?
Speaker 2 (10:13):
I mean, yes, Okay, So this is.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
A huge thing of letting go of it.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
It is, well, his whole thing is I'm gonna know
it all. Oh A know it all? But you do
you know it all? I think you know it all,
and sometimes I have to shut up and listen. I
preach about it all the time, and I just have
to listen.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Well, to shut up and listen. As a mom of
grown kids, that's a huge adjustment from a mom of
a little kid because right now, like, I'm a mom
of a four year old, so I do know it
all for her, you know, it is my job to
make sure she's guided well. And I'm the one who
knows how to do that. So to shift over to
now you have adult children who are living on their own,
who you have to be like, Okay, now it's you.
(10:51):
You're the one who's taking the lead and I have
to take the back seat. That's a huge shift in
your brain. You have to rewire the whole thing to
let them go. I can't imagine how hard that is.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
I don't know another life besides parenting them, and I
think that was my hardest spaces. How do I let go?
And in order to let go, like, I'm inviting love
for my adult children and new relationships and new guiding places.
And I'll say through all my kids through this break,
(11:24):
my twenty one year old him and I had just
such a healing place through he had a heartbreak and
I had to sit and listen and I had to
talk to him and we are at the best place ever.
And I'm like, oh my gosh, I've missed out on
this for the past two years because and I mean
we still talk like there wasn't anything, but I wasn't.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Emotionally able to like, OK, how'd you miss out? Because
you were trying to make plans.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Well when he moved out, it was like, oh my gosh,
you should be going to college, you should be this.
Why'd you move out? You're supposed to save money, Like
what is happening?
Speaker 1 (11:58):
You were worried about all the ins and outs of
like him, like just staying on course instead of the
ins and out of his emotional being because you're a
mom and you're.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Like, you're on your own.
Speaker 3 (12:06):
Please don't die, please do And I had to wreck
your line to make the same mistakes and get on
some hamster wheel of work and be on this thing
because he has to not.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Because it's what he's called to do. And so like
controlling pushed him away from me, Like we still talked
and we still spent time together, but we didn't see
each other emotionally because I didn't see him.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
But you are the most loving, open hearted, like find
your sole person. But isn't that interesting when it's your
own offspring and you're so worried about them just having
a good life that sometimes it's hard just to have
a soul to soul conversation because you're like, Okay, here's
your soul, but how's everything else in your life? Are
you all organized?
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Is everything gonna be okay?
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Are you gonna not f it up?
Speaker 2 (12:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (12:54):
But really, he just wanted you to sit there and
talk to him and see his heart, and you did
that and you were able to do that.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
That's huge, And I just feel like.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
Did you surrender? Was that surrendering letting go?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Well, I'm gonna tell you, tell me where I'm at
in my joy. I'm gonna be very honest, and I'm
still asking myself the question, Okay, am I'm I just?
Am I just in a place of joy and happiness
because I have built the foundation for that.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
And all your kids are doing well?
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Yeah, well, I mean everybody's got their own.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
But everyone says, but everyone's doing good, right.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
No, not necessarily. I mean my adoptive children are, you know, struggling,
And there's parts of that that I need to let
go of, and I don't feel comfortable talking about right now,
just because for their privacy. Well, and it's their story
to tell you, yes, yeah, but yes I had to.
I mean, I'd do a lot of work to let
go of that because I'm like, I'm not a good mom.
(13:52):
I'm not this, I'm not this and they're grown kids
in their twenties. So there's a lot of that to
circle back to. But my first thing is like asking myself,
am I really this happy? Because I'm not used to it.
Oh my gosh, I am not used to being peaceful
and letting go of control and like just surrender. I'm not.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
And the second part is I've been doing holistic you know,
takens of like I'm using earth medicine to work and
heal on myself. And while I'll say Eastern Western medicine,
they all have their benefits for me right now. A
shift in December was I am going to use earth
medicine to try to work with my anxiety from suggestions
(14:36):
of friends that have worked. It's worked, it has worked,
and I'm going to ride on that as long as
i can. And the third one, of course, I go
back to, am I am like a manic episode? And
I know that's a negative thing, but I also have
to remind myself, like am I going to crash? And
how can I create a soft foundation so that I'm
not landing on hard ground? So for me right now,
(14:59):
while I'm writing these highs, I'm starting to build a foundation.
I'm building a support team. I'm speaking my expectations and
my goals so that others hold me accountable as well.
So my children hold me accountable of, like this is
who I want to be as a mother, my staff
holds me accountable of. This is how I want to
be as a leader. How can I support you? I'm
(15:20):
putting that in writing and my manifestations, like putting that
place where I've scheduled. I know, we've talked about it.
My painting scheduled, this scheduled, my writing scheduled, and working
in groups that paint that writing, showing up to.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Things, communities. I'm not alone.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
I'm not on an island, and I put myself on
an island. I put myself on an island, and I
think I told myself the lie for so long as
I like being alone?
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Why because you just don't because it's there.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
You can get hurt being.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Alone, is it? Though?
Speaker 2 (15:59):
I mean, and it was for so long for me,
and the fact of I built safety boundaries so hard,
and I will say I'm good at boundaries, but my
safety boundaries locked out a lot of people that could
have and still have the possibility of amplifying my life
(16:20):
and bringing peace. And it locked myself away from people
of sharing love joy in the gift of yoga. And
I'm not necessarily talking about the physical part, because as
much as I am, I'm going it's that is what
changed my life. But I blocked myself off. I'm like,
(16:40):
I'm going to keep it this way and that's not yoga.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
Well, here's the thing that maybees happened. I think we
go through waves of life. And it's like when you
start off with a bunch of childhood trauma, which everybody
has trauma, but when you start off with a heavy
dose of it like you did, and then you go
straight into raising kids and you go straight into all
this insane emotional just heaviness and beauty, but like also
(17:05):
just so much s tore up your head around and
you weren't necessarily protected as a young person. You had
to go in. You had to go in and protect yourself.
You had to go in and build a fortress for yourself.
You had to go in and know who you were.
You had to go in and know that you were
your safety and you were your savior and that you
could take care of yourself, and that no matter who
(17:25):
in the world was in your life, you were going
to be okay. Like you had to build that protection
for yourself, and so you did that, and then you
trusted yourself and you've created boundaries for yourself and now
I feel like you're in such a good place that
you can let people in in a healthy way. But
you had to do that internal work, you know, And
so I don't think it was a bad thing or
(17:45):
like you were shutting people out. I think you were
just making sure you were safe with you.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Do you know what we said earlier on when we
just were like, we want to surrender, we want to surrender,
we want to surrender. We had to come to this
place of realization of surrendering. And I had to get
to this place because it protected me for so long
to be able to release and let that open, just
like surrendering the things that you had to surrender when
it broke you, it put you like it did all
(18:10):
the things. And me, I'm like off of my corner
and you're You're like, please give it to me, give
it to me. I need this, I need this. We
had different ways, but we had to be broken.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Oh yeah, because like people listening and I have, I've
talked about this, but I had a third miscarriage last year,
like three in a row, and two before Sonny, and
I'm just like, oh my god, I cannot go through
this again. Like this is so emotionally devastating, exhausting. Sonny's
not gonna get a sibling, Michael's not going to get
another kid. I feel guilt, I feel shame, I feel
like why am I not doing this? But then all
(18:38):
of a sudden, I was just like, God, I have
given my heart and soul to this. I have tried.
I do not have the energy to keep going on
this journey. And like that's another thing that I realized
and maybe you realized this on yours. It's like I
hit a point where it's like I've maxed out the
energy I have for this, Like I wanted this, but
(18:59):
now that it's not happening, I'm going to embrace. I
could keep going, I could go find a specialist, I
could do all these next level things. I don't have
that in me to keep it going. I'm forty years old.
I'm just like, all of a sudden, I had this
peace where after grieving and being sad and all those feelings,
I'm like, I'm gonna love what I have with all
my heart, and instead of thinking about what I don't
(19:21):
have and what I'm lacking, I'm gonna think about all
the great things that I get to do because I
just have one child, because I just get to pour
into one, because I'm not distracted at all with another kid,
Like there are so many blessings that for me personally,
I love and studying is my little best friend, and
I'm like we just get to be bop and be
besties forever, like and we're gonna go through phases of course,
(19:44):
but I'm like, I'm just gonna lean into that that
I get to take her everywhere with me, that she
gets to come on stage when you want, I'm doing podcasts,
that like whatever she wants to do, I can help
her pursue without like feeling stressed out or like pulled
another direction. Like she gets to have all of my attention,
and that's it's a blessing. Of course, there's a lot
of things that she doesn't get, not having a sibling
and a bigger family, but like, why not just focus
(20:06):
on all the things that we get to have, you know.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
And it took a lot of work for you to
have that epiphany. Didn't come over now, oh my god, god, No,
I mean it came where it was like wow, but
you had to go through a lot to process and greet.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Oh my god, I get there so much and so
much of it was done in the yoga studio. I
literally was in the back of the room crying my
eyes out all last year. And finally that's why I
told my friend who got the new divorce, who was
crying and fresh, and I'm like, finally.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
The tears stop.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
I can't tell you how it happens. But when you
cry enough and go through it enough and deal with
it and grieve it enough, eventually you get to another
place with it. You do like, you just get to
a lighter place with it eventually, But you have to
feel it. You cannot avoid it.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
Okay, I'm gonna say this one. I love talking to
you because I love you so much and you're my
friend and just gosh, all the work and like healing
and just your such a vulnerable human, but you were.
You were a freaking amazing friend. And in saying that,
I feel like talking to you because I've even though
(21:08):
it's podcast, and whether it's five people listening or however
many people listening, that's a vulnerable billion, five everybody in
the world. That's a vulnerable thing for me because I'm
not I'm a very private person. I'm not an open person.
Like it is. A lot of people know me for
a long time. They're like, you got kids or like
I mean I like, yeah, I'm just like, yeah, I
(21:30):
got a lot of humans it's this. But in saying that,
I I do feel like I get so many burst
of things that I need to say in epiphanies that
I have within myself by hearing you talk and talking
things out. And I just had a moment. Okay, question
for you. When you see me practice class as a
(21:50):
student not a.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Teacher, which I saw you last year, I didn't even
notice I was giving you your space because I'm like,
I know how I am. When I take C. Two's
like we were in the same room. People same when
you do. When I do, like sculpt, that's like a party.
Everybody's in there, chit chad and I'm gonna stay high.
I'll go sit on your mat talk to but see
two and uh f one no one.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
See one, see and know the perfusion perfusion.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
The ones that are quieter and more intent, like I know,
I like to just be in my own world. Yes,
so I wasn't gonna come get up in your world. No.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
I love that. But here's what I'm asking is where
have you do you always see me practice class?
Speaker 1 (22:27):
Do I always see you? Like where where you're in
the back, back in the right corner, away from the
weight so people don't have to walk.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
By in the corner. Yes, I blend like I don't
want anybody you see me. I don't want anybody notice
me like it is, okay, I just had an epiphany
and I'm gonna try it out. This is not something
I hold myself too.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
You're gonna go to the front.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Do you want to go to the front with me
to day when we take class? No? No, okay, okay,
you don't have to go.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
I like the back.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Okay, I like the back too, And I feel like, okay,
maybe maybe I move myself to the front without expectations
of like who good, and maybe tomorrow I'm gonna go
back to the back. But for I mean, like always practicing,
I'm like, I don't want to see me. Yeah, because
it is my most vulnerable space. And I will say
I had a moment at a moment a couple of
(23:14):
weeks ago where you will hear me. I'm huge on
no cell phones in the room for so many reasons.
It's like, hey, disconnect, Like technology is already a disturbance.
That's one reasons I.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Had taken over the whole world. Give yourself one hour
of not.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Right, there's safety, privacy, I don't know who you're texting,
what you're texting for Also, it's disrespectful to your neighbors
that want to disconnect and disrespectful for your teachers. But
I had something happen where I was at Green Hills.
The very back teacher gives like, hey, take your cell
phone out, all these things out. I'm in the back
of the room. Take class, amazing class, amazing teacher. I
(23:51):
practiced with one of my friends next to I come
out of Shavastana, come up, wipe my face so the
sweat because it was a bad, amazing breakthrough, sweaty class.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
I mean bad is I'm like bad? Do you know it?
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
And I look to the right and I see somebody's
cell phone as propped and I'm being recorded. You're being recorded,
and again you say you're this person was hold on
this person grab their phone. I see them like hurry
up and grab it, and I know the suit and
I was like, hey, what are you doing And they're like, oh, sorry,
I just brought my phone and I was like, no,
I seen your camera, Like not okay, it comes so sorry.
(24:27):
I just wanted to get you know, they were recording
themselves for practice. But in saying that, I was recorded
inadvertently because I'm the same row as them for somebody one.
That's my vulnerable space. That is where I can be
free and to know that somebody else can see my
process not only physically but emotionally. That is the same
(24:53):
as me being nucked. And I will say, as somebody
who has been filmed without their consent.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
Did it trigger you?
Speaker 2 (25:02):
So I said what I needed to clearly in that moment, Well, yeah,
I mean it was a It was a good conversation
of like, hey, no more, like very boundary, very like
non emotional, like hey not cool, no more, do not
bring your phone in. This is the morning class because
I always take in the mornings. About twelve o'clock, I
sit there and I'm like, my stomach is going, I
(25:22):
feel like I got to throw up, go to the bathroom,
like I feel ill. I go into the bathroom and
I just start sobbing, and I'm like, what is happening?
And I realize why that impacted me so deep?
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Why?
Speaker 2 (25:34):
A couple hours later, because that's what I felt like.
I was like the vulnerability of this and feeling like
I was filmed without my consent, that somebody stole my
safest place in the world for me to be me.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
That not. Yes, So you've worked so hard to protect
that fragile, safe, vulnerable spot and you're sharing it with
people in the yoga studios. So you have felt well
taken advantage of against your consent before, and so that
triggered all that again and you're like, no, that cannot help.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Oh, so is this whole thing and so in that
like a lot of safeguards, which I will I mean
that is for everybody, Like, oh yeah, I don't want
anybody on there. I mean there's people from all walks
of life.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
You don't know when everyone's Always when I say I
go to yonga, I was always like, oh, I'd be
too embarrassed, I'm too vulnerable. I'm not good at it. Well, yes,
you need to be able to go and just be
and not feel the pressure of somebody watching you, somebody
filming you. It's gonna go on the GRAM. You want
to just be able to absolutely just let it.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
All go and well, yes, there's no judgment. Nobody should
be looking at somebody else. Like I said, it took
class and I didn't even know you were in there.
I love you. You're one of my dearest friends in
the world. The teacher said, they said they called your
name out during class. I'm like, didn't hear it, didn't
know because I'm in like I'm trying to work through
stuff within me. Yes, in there and in that, even
(26:57):
those spaces of safety that I've built and I will
stick to the no phones all day long, but in
my freedom and my breakthrough, sometimes I need to make
myself a little uncomfortable just to see and that's still
a safe space of putting my mat up front. I
know people are probably like, what, what does it care
where you're mad? As for me, it's a big deal.
I don't I want to blend in.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
Yeah, I totally get that. So but you're feeling like
you're ready.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
You know what, We're going to do it today, and
I'll let you know how we by me and all
my personalities.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
All of you are going to do it today.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
I'm going to do it today because at the end
of the day, my breakthrough for twenty twenty four, I
want Little Christina. And I'm going to refer to Little
Christina as much as I can, like my untouched childlike
wonder that was created with love and light.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
She's come the front and center.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
I want her to look at almost forty year old me, like,
get a peek into the thing and be like, I
am proud of who you are. You are free, you
are light, you were.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Happy, and you are. I am and you are and
I am and you are. I love you, I love you,
and honestly the thing and then we'll wrap up because
we're gonna go to yoga.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Yeah we are.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
But I looked in the mirror the other day, and
I've looked in the mirror so many times and just cried,
you know, because I've been in the middle of greed
for sadness and I've just been like our heaviness. And
I looked in the mirror the other day and I
had a full one conversation with myself with the mirror.
Sonnie was in another room, was actually in her playroom.
She has a mirror, and I was like talking to
myself and I was like, you're doing so good. Like
(28:30):
you're doing so good, Like look at all the work
you've done, look at this life you've built, look at
how you've overcome, look at how you've gone through hard seasons,
look at how you've figured out what you like and
how you're making it a priority. And you're getting rid
of the things that you don't like, and you're pursuing
what you love and you're being a great friend, and
you're being a great mom, and you're being a great wife,
(28:51):
and you're building a great home and you're leaving a
great legacy. You're you're doing your work and your passion.
And I was like, I was just like had a
pet top of myself and I'm like, you're doing so good,
Like you've done so much work, and I'm so proud
of you because it's hard. It's really hard, and I
just like had a moment where I'm like, oh gosh,
like you know, because it's been so hard and so
(29:13):
emotional and so sad for a while, you know, for
me personally, and I think a lot of people. But
I'm like, look at you still here, still finding the light,
still like coming back out of the you know, you
go in the mud and you're getting back out of it,
and like you're doing good things, and you're trying so hard.
And I said that, like you're just trying so hard,
(29:34):
and you're trying so hard, like every day we're just
trying so hard to be a good person and to
be better and to be a great mom, and to
be a great wife and to be a great partner contributor,
and to let your kids have freedom and love them
and then also like guide them. And it's like it's
just such a dance, you know, and we're just doing
a good job. And I hope everyone listening can find
in themselves with they're doing a good job and not
(29:56):
just like always beat yourself up, because it's really easy
to go down the whole of what's wrong, what's wrong,
what's wrong when I need to fix, But like we're
also doing great. You know.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
You get an A for effort. Yeah, and we're not
tied to the A for mastery.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
No, I don't want this.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Life isn't graded the effort, Like the effort is acknowledged. Yeah, yes,
Oh my gosh, you get a sticker. If I had
a big old sticker, UD stick it on you and
be like, great job, great job of doing the work,
and you too, and I think you I would stick
it on myself. You'll get an A.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
And it doesn't always have to show up in success
of career. And I think that that's what I've had
to redefine these past like three years, is the success
that I have achieved has not been in my career
these past three years. Like my career has been great.
The podcast has been great, and I've loved that, but
that's just been kind of like rocking and rolling, and
I love it and it's such a wonderful part of
my existence.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
But like the.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Success that I've achieved these past three years have been internally,
Like it has been an internal success and like nobody
really can see it but me, you know. And it's
been hard work that I've done by myself with friends
like you, in circumstances that were safe like yoga and
podcasting and with you know, intimate groups of friends and
my husband and whatever. But it's like the work has
been for me and no one really sees that. But
(31:07):
that's a huge success, like the biggest success I can have,
because that's gonna lay the foundation for everything. We only,
like I feel like we get so caught up and
judging ourselves on the career success and what do you
what accolades do you have? But like the internal success
is the biggest win, you know, And you've been doing
that too, and I just I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you work to do this stuff.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
I'm so proud of you, and I'm proud of I mean,
we're all coming out of it. You know. Twenty twenty
knocked us all on our asses. It did everybody, and.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
It's been a lot. I don't remember that year, and
I want to talk about that year.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
We've got through, but it's been a lot recovery. It
as in so many ways, and now it's like, let's go. Yeah,
I love you, I love you.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Let's go yoga.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Let's go to yoga. You have the friend, I'll go
on the back.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Okay, cheer up. You know what. My heart is gonna
shine brightly through my shoulder blades right back at you,
and you can shine it forth through.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
I had a season of loving being in the front,
but I'm not in that season right now.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Today's me just like, hey, that's okay to do it.
Be vulnerable.
Speaker 1 (32:09):
Yeah, I love you. Let's leave our light.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
Okay. Leave your light is making little Christina proud, and
I feel like my light has been truly embracing that
and making actionable steps to make that happen.
Speaker 1 (32:24):
I love that my light is. My grandmother surely says this.
She's eighty nine. She's in a retirement home. Her husband
died and she's, you know, found some new friends and
she's enjoying her life as best she can. And she
always says, enjoy life's pleasures when you have them, and
when you don't, don't mourn. And I get that now,
(32:47):
you know, I really understand that now because last year
I feel like I had a hard time enjoying life's pleasures.
I did enjoy them, and I caught the moments with Sonny,
all of them, but I was just really in a
heavy season. But I wasn't mad that it was happening
to me, because I know that everybody goes through heavy seasons.
But now I'm in this light season and I'm like,
(33:08):
I'm just gonna enjoy it, Like I'm just gonna enjoy
it when things are good, and when they're heavy, you
work through them and you know that there's light coming.
But right now I feel light and i feel excited,
and I'm just going to bask in it and I'm
not gonna at all do anything to take it away
until the world in my ecosystem shifts and I have
(33:29):
to deal with something else. But while it's good, I'm going.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
To enjoy it bask and I get that glow.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
I'm going to enjoy life's pleasures when I have them,
and when I don't, I'm not going to warn.
Speaker 2 (33:38):
I love it. I love you. Thank you for sharing that.
Thank you for sharing.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
This is Caroline and Christina on the burn On the
burn on the Bird. Now let's go burn it out
in New Let you go burn it out. Okay, bye,
Gus Sue's Buck.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Gus Sue's Buck starting out twenty twenty four with bangers.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
And you know what we're starting. I got your feet
in my lap, which I snuggle me, snuggle me because
you're All of our volumes are good. Twenty twenty four.
It's feeling good.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
How many days are we in? Yes? Today, nine or ten?
The night the night, nine days in? And I love
twenty twenty four for myself.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
I feel a definite difference in twenty twenty four from
twenty twenty three. Like the day twenty twenty four happened,
I was like, this is a good year. I feel it.
I'm claiming it. All of this heaviness left my body.
I just feel light and my word is lighthearted. I
just feel good this year, maybe because the past three
years have been freaking hard, hard, hard, and I'm like,
(00:49):
I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again.
I am not gonna go down the whole of sadness
about stuff. I am releasing all of the past that
was heavy and hard, taking the great lessons and having
a light year. I'm claiming it. So nobody messed it
up for me.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
No, And I know twenty twenty three, like we had highs.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Yeah, but there's some great seven twenty twenty three.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
I think both of us had extreme lows in twenty
twenty three in different places in our life and in
different things, and just for us having personal conversations and
what we shared on the podcast, like ready to release
it and ready to release them, ready to release it,
and I feel like I've released it.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
But that's the thing that is for anyone listening. I
want to talk about this because I think this is
a great point. I was so ready to get out
of my stuff last year, all the things that were
weighing me down, all the heaviness, all the heartache, all
the lessons, but I couldn't get it out. I was
going to yoga all the time with you, like crying
in the back of the room, just sobbing my eyes out,
like purging, purging, purging, but it would never would let up.
(01:52):
I could not get out of that phase. And then
it just released.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
It just happened.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
It just happened. So I want to tell people who
are like stuck in the hard part. Like I was
talking to a friend the other day and she's in
the middle of a fresh divorce. She's got grown kids,
she got a new life, and she's like, it's just
so much harder than I thought. And she's crying all
the time, and I'm like, hey, until the tears stop,
just cry because they will stop eventually, right, But if
they're there, you got to cry them out. And if
(02:18):
you're in that season of it's heavy and it's hard
and you're vulnerable and you're broken, you just got to
keep moving through it, feeling it, being in it, and
eventually it will release. Right, Yeah, explain that break that
down from me, because I'm like baffled by how it
finally released and I would been dying for it to release.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Okay, wouldn't let me verbalize this? And I say verbalize
this because it's not going to be clean. It's literally
just coming from what's my brain news maybe messy. So
just hearing you say that, I'm thinking about sweat, physical sweat,
and how often like if you're used to working out,
if you're used to all these things, we're like, okay,
we've been trained that sweat is good, right, we need
to purge toxins, all the things out of our body.
(02:54):
It helps build heat, burn energy, create change, build strength.
And then we also wore deodorant, like you know, but
I feel like us being so adverse to tears is
like emotional deodorant. We're like, let's track out when we
need to sweat. We need to get it on. We
need and we're trying to find the heaviest deodorant to
be like stop crying. Sometimes we need to cry. Well
(03:16):
that by sometimes, I mean most of the time we
need to cry. Why are we suppressing?
Speaker 1 (03:20):
So don't work anti persperist wear deodorant that doesn't have
I actually don't wear anti prespriant to yoga because I'm like,
I want to smell good, but I want to sweat
it out. I want to stop the sweat. People do
that when they feel the tears coming on and they
feel the pain, they want to run, They want to avoid.
They do not want to go into that painful thing.
But you're right, you have to go into it. Go
into it. Angela and Angeli said that, they're like, how
(03:41):
do you deal with heartache? She goes, you go swalk
straight into it as hard and as fast as you
can and feel it all and then get out you.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
I will play because music, music, I mean music is
like I could play it on and I can purposely
shift my mood in a heartbeat by whatever my playlist is.
But I purposely had to break my heart in place
some of the saddest heartbreaking songs that were all over
the place, like love, heartbreak, emotional heartbreak, like all the
things in the world, to sit there and just cry
by myself in my room, to get the tears out,
(04:10):
because sometimes I don't know why I'm feeling the way
I'm feeling.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Did you identify what you were feeling this life?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Why I do that through pain or through painting? Do
you know what feeling my pain?
Speaker 1 (04:19):
What part of your life were you purging last year?
Speaker 2 (04:22):
I mean a lot of it. It of course ties
back to my childhood and like expectations of what I
have put on me. And I'm supposed to be this person.
I'm supposed to be tough, and I will tell you
a person. We talked about this. I follow rules. I
do not like to break a rule. I do not
like anything one it was tied to shame. My thing
was like it's was tied to shame. I don't want
to be like you did weren't good enough? You did this.
(04:44):
I don't want to get in trouble. I am terrified
of getting in trouble. And for me, I didn't have
a lot of safe constraints and boundaries and rules in
my family that I crave those things to set me
up on a clear path. And the boundaries that I
did have were like crazy extreme, like not that. Yeah,
(05:05):
it was you can't watch the Simpsons, you can't watch MTV,
but you can watch horror movies filled with sex and
stuff so like, and then there was no sex talks
fault like it was crazy stuff, you know, sex talks. Yeah,
there was no sex talks. You know, yes, like life.
But for me, I'm like, okay, how can I find
a safe space with boundaries and like even creating and
(05:25):
managing like so many things I will carry for other people,
for teachers, for students, and while I take feedback and
all those things very well, I cannot please everybody. And
how can I find create the safest space, the most
supportive space and be okay with letting people down in
that process?
Speaker 1 (05:44):
So were you just kind of like purging out all
of that expectation that you had put on yourself that
isn't real. Yeah, it takes a lot to get all
that out. I feel like I've been doing that too.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
And looking in the mirror and looking in them and
being like, hey, there's still work to do. Come on,
there's still work to do. You've you've dug really really deep,
but there's still some shrapnels scattered throughout the yard that
we got to find. And it came back to what
would I want for my little self, like my little
joy of self looking at my daughters and my sons,
(06:21):
what would I want for them? And what mistakes did
I make with them for my parenting and how could
I grow and change? And for me, it wasn't New
Year's Day where I was like, I'm going to make
this change. It was little things that happened over my
break from work where I was truly present at home.
I experienced my grown kids and my younger daughter in
(06:41):
new ways. Like Christmas this year was completely different. Only
have one kid living with me at.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Home and you have six kids.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Yes, and my expectation is alway.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Raising kids a long time, Ristina, your.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Whole Yes, And I was raising myself.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
You've done such a good job. Yeah, and you still
have such a z and a spark and a joy
for life Like I was at the yoga studio. It
was yesterday or the day before, and you were there
and I was listening to you greet people and talk
to people, and I'm like, you are just a bright
bundle of joy. You make everyone feel so good, so loved,
so welcomed, so cozy. You just like, of all the
(07:19):
life that you've lived in, the hard, heavy life that
happened to you fast and furious, you're still so light
and you're still so joyous. And you had a lot
to sift through.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
I did, and I had to try, and I had
to work, and I had to, yeah, like do a
lot of reflection. And I will say, like, like I said,
Christmas Day was huge for me because it was a
complete different thing than I've ever experienced. Well, it's the
difference before I set these expectations of my older kids
when they moved out or they had girlfriends already, it
(07:49):
was basically when they moved out, if you do not
stay over for Christmas Eve, Santa doesn't come and so,
and it was my way of trying to control my
adult kids to stay at home, like you're not gonna
get Santa's presence if you don't. But it's just like
that is such crap, Like that's not fair. That's not
fair to them because.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Because you love them so much, yes, and you just
want them in you'resh I know my.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Way, but it's so selfish. Like my oldest son, how
old are your older dogs? Twenty three? But he has
his own house. He's moved out since nineteen. He bought
his first house at nineteen. Like, he has done so well,
and I've tried to keep him in constraints because I'm like,
I don't want you to mess up. I don't want
you to mess up. Mess up?
Speaker 1 (08:31):
Kid? Are you so proud?
Speaker 2 (08:33):
So this year I was like, okay, stay if you want.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Does he live here?
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Yeah, he's in Columbia.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Okay, we at least he's near.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
He's near. So he drove in the morning, got up early,
came over, and we had the best Christmas day, like
we I We opened up presents.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Santa come for him.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
We yeah, Santa came for everybody. I can't tell Santa.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
Well. It so hard to have so much love for
all these kids that you raising. I mean, I'm gonna
cry because I only have one. But like you've given
all of your heart too, especially like when you were
raising yourself and now they're grown up and you just
want them to be safe, and you just want them
to have a good life, and you just don't want
them to go through stuff, and you just don't want
them to hurt, and you just want them to be
with you, and you just don't hug them and kiss them,
(09:16):
and you can't help it.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
No, and an all boil down to I really wanted
to feel loved by my kids. I really wanted that
safe family thing that I go back to when I
was a kid, and that glimmer of what I had
for a small moment of like going and celebrating Christmas
Eve at my grandparents and then we go home and
like see it and we were just with each other.
(09:39):
And I'm also trying to fill a void that it's
not theirs to fill. I know they love me, and
it's not their job to fill that place of Christmas
spirit for me. It's my place to create that in
a new way for them as an adult.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
So you let all of your I.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Was like here now, the only thing is we joked.
I was like, can we please watch Et because it
was my son's favorite movie. I bought it on TV.
And then they were like, we got to girls like
et ET. So now we have a group chat about like,
are you all gonna go up much et with me?
Speaker 1 (10:09):
But we talked about this last time. Your husband was
he saying that you're controlling? Is that what he said?
Speaker 2 (10:13):
I mean, yes, Okay, So this is.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
A huge thing of letting go of it.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
It is, well, his whole thing is I'm gonna know
it all. Oh A know it all? But you do
you know it all? I think you know it all,
and sometimes I have to shut up and listen. I
preach about it all the time, and I just have
to listen.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Well, to shut up and listen. As a mom of
grown kids, that's a huge adjustment from a mom of
a little kid because right now, like, I'm a mom
of a four year old, so I do know it
all for her, you know, it is my job to
make sure she's guided well. And I'm the one who
knows how to do that. So to shift over to
now you have adult children who are living on their own,
who you have to be like, Okay, now it's you.
(10:51):
You're the one who's taking the lead and I have
to take the back seat. That's a huge shift in
your brain. You have to rewire the whole thing to
let them go. I can't imagine how hard that is.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
I don't know another life besides parenting them, and I
think that was my hardest spaces. How do I let go?
And in order to let go, like, I'm inviting love
for my adult children and new relationships and new guiding places.
And I'll say through all my kids through this break,
(11:24):
my twenty one year old him and I had just
such a healing place through he had a heartbreak and
I had to sit and listen and I had to
talk to him and we are at the best place ever.
And I'm like, oh my gosh, I've missed out on
this for the past two years because and I mean
we still talk like there wasn't anything, but I wasn't.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Emotionally able to like, OK, how'd you miss out? Because
you were trying to make plans.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Well when he moved out, it was like, oh my gosh,
you should be going to college, you should be this.
Why'd you move out? You're supposed to save money, Like
what is happening?
Speaker 1 (11:58):
You were worried about all the ins and outs of
like him, like just staying on course instead of the
ins and out of his emotional being because you're a
mom and you're.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Like, you're on your own.
Speaker 3 (12:06):
Please don't die, please do And I had to wreck
your line to make the same mistakes and get on
some hamster wheel of work and be on this thing
because he has to not.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Because it's what he's called to do. And so like
controlling pushed him away from me, Like we still talked
and we still spent time together, but we didn't see
each other emotionally because I didn't see him.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
But you are the most loving, open hearted, like find
your sole person. But isn't that interesting when it's your
own offspring and you're so worried about them just having
a good life that sometimes it's hard just to have
a soul to soul conversation because you're like, Okay, here's
your soul, but how's everything else in your life? Are
you all organized?
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Is everything gonna be okay?
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Are you gonna not f it up?
Speaker 2 (12:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (12:54):
But really, he just wanted you to sit there and
talk to him and see his heart, and you did
that and you were able to do that.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
That's huge, And I just feel like.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
Did you surrender? Was that surrendering letting go?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Well, I'm gonna tell you, tell me where I'm at
in my joy. I'm gonna be very honest, and I'm
still asking myself the question, Okay, am I'm I just?
Am I just in a place of joy and happiness
because I have built the foundation for that.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
And all your kids are doing well?
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Yeah, well, I mean everybody's got their own.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
But everyone says, but everyone's doing good, right.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
No, not necessarily. I mean my adoptive children are, you know, struggling,
And there's parts of that that I need to let
go of, and I don't feel comfortable talking about right now,
just because for their privacy. Well, and it's their story
to tell you, yes, yeah, but yes I had to.
I mean, I'd do a lot of work to let
go of that because I'm like, I'm not a good mom.
(13:52):
I'm not this, I'm not this and they're grown kids
in their twenties. So there's a lot of that to
circle back to. But my first thing is like asking myself,
am I really this happy? Because I'm not used to it.
Oh my gosh, I am not used to being peaceful
and letting go of control and like just surrender. I'm not.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
And the second part is I've been doing holistic you know,
takens of like I'm using earth medicine to work and
heal on myself. And while I'll say Eastern Western medicine,
they all have their benefits for me right now. A
shift in December was I am going to use earth
medicine to try to work with my anxiety from suggestions
(14:36):
of friends that have worked. It's worked, it has worked,
and I'm going to ride on that as long as
i can. And the third one, of course, I go
back to, am I am like a manic episode? And
I know that's a negative thing, but I also have
to remind myself, like am I going to crash? And
how can I create a soft foundation so that I'm
not landing on hard ground? So for me right now,
(14:59):
while I'm writing these highs, I'm starting to build a foundation.
I'm building a support team. I'm speaking my expectations and
my goals so that others hold me accountable as well.
So my children hold me accountable of, like this is
who I want to be as a mother, my staff
holds me accountable of. This is how I want to
be as a leader. How can I support you? I'm
(15:20):
putting that in writing and my manifestations, like putting that
place where I've scheduled. I know, we've talked about it.
My painting scheduled, this scheduled, my writing scheduled, and working
in groups that paint that writing, showing up to.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Things, communities. I'm not alone.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
I'm not on an island, and I put myself on
an island. I put myself on an island, and I
think I told myself the lie for so long as
I like being alone?
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Why because you just don't because it's there.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
You can get hurt being.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Alone, is it? Though?
Speaker 2 (15:59):
I mean, and it was for so long for me,
and the fact of I built safety boundaries so hard,
and I will say I'm good at boundaries, but my
safety boundaries locked out a lot of people that could
have and still have the possibility of amplifying my life
(16:20):
and bringing peace. And it locked myself away from people
of sharing love joy in the gift of yoga. And
I'm not necessarily talking about the physical part, because as
much as I am, I'm going it's that is what
changed my life. But I blocked myself off. I'm like,
(16:40):
I'm going to keep it this way and that's not yoga.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
Well, here's the thing that maybees happened. I think we
go through waves of life. And it's like when you
start off with a bunch of childhood trauma, which everybody
has trauma, but when you start off with a heavy
dose of it like you did, and then you go
straight into raising kids and you go straight into all
this insane emotional just heaviness and beauty, but like also
(17:05):
just so much s tore up your head around and
you weren't necessarily protected as a young person. You had
to go in. You had to go in and protect yourself.
You had to go in and build a fortress for yourself.
You had to go in and know who you were.
You had to go in and know that you were
your safety and you were your savior and that you
could take care of yourself, and that no matter who
(17:25):
in the world was in your life, you were going
to be okay. Like you had to build that protection
for yourself, and so you did that, and then you
trusted yourself and you've created boundaries for yourself and now
I feel like you're in such a good place that
you can let people in in a healthy way. But
you had to do that internal work, you know, And
so I don't think it was a bad thing or
(17:45):
like you were shutting people out. I think you were
just making sure you were safe with you.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Do you know what we said earlier on when we
just were like, we want to surrender, we want to surrender,
we want to surrender. We had to come to this
place of realization of surrendering. And I had to get
to this place because it protected me for so long
to be able to release and let that open, just
like surrendering the things that you had to surrender when
it broke you, it put you like it did all
(18:10):
the things. And me, I'm like off of my corner
and you're You're like, please give it to me, give
it to me. I need this, I need this. We
had different ways, but we had to be broken.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Oh yeah, because like people listening and I have, I've
talked about this, but I had a third miscarriage last year,
like three in a row, and two before Sonny, and
I'm just like, oh my god, I cannot go through
this again. Like this is so emotionally devastating, exhausting. Sonny's
not gonna get a sibling, Michael's not going to get
another kid. I feel guilt, I feel shame, I feel
like why am I not doing this? But then all
(18:38):
of a sudden, I was just like, God, I have
given my heart and soul to this. I have tried.
I do not have the energy to keep going on
this journey. And like that's another thing that I realized
and maybe you realized this on yours. It's like I
hit a point where it's like I've maxed out the
energy I have for this, Like I wanted this, but
(18:59):
now that it's not happening, I'm going to embrace. I
could keep going, I could go find a specialist, I
could do all these next level things. I don't have
that in me to keep it going. I'm forty years old.
I'm just like, all of a sudden, I had this
peace where after grieving and being sad and all those feelings,
I'm like, I'm gonna love what I have with all
my heart, and instead of thinking about what I don't
(19:21):
have and what I'm lacking, I'm gonna think about all
the great things that I get to do because I
just have one child, because I just get to pour
into one, because I'm not distracted at all with another kid,
Like there are so many blessings that for me personally,
I love and studying is my little best friend, and
I'm like we just get to be bop and be
besties forever, like and we're gonna go through phases of course,
(19:44):
but I'm like, I'm just gonna lean into that that
I get to take her everywhere with me, that she
gets to come on stage when you want, I'm doing podcasts,
that like whatever she wants to do, I can help
her pursue without like feeling stressed out or like pulled
another direction. Like she gets to have all of my attention,
and that's it's a blessing. Of course, there's a lot
of things that she doesn't get, not having a sibling
and a bigger family, but like, why not just focus
(20:06):
on all the things that we get to have, you know.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
And it took a lot of work for you to
have that epiphany. Didn't come over now, oh my god, god, No,
I mean it came where it was like wow, but
you had to go through a lot to process and greet.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Oh my god, I get there so much and so
much of it was done in the yoga studio. I
literally was in the back of the room crying my
eyes out all last year. And finally that's why I
told my friend who got the new divorce, who was
crying and fresh, and I'm like, finally.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
The tears stop.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
I can't tell you how it happens. But when you
cry enough and go through it enough and deal with
it and grieve it enough, eventually you get to another
place with it. You do like, you just get to
a lighter place with it eventually, But you have to
feel it. You cannot avoid it.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
Okay, I'm gonna say this one. I love talking to
you because I love you so much and you're my
friend and just gosh, all the work and like healing
and just your such a vulnerable human, but you were.
You were a freaking amazing friend. And in saying that,
I feel like talking to you because I've even though
(21:08):
it's podcast, and whether it's five people listening or however
many people listening, that's a vulnerable billion, five everybody in
the world. That's a vulnerable thing for me because I'm
not I'm a very private person. I'm not an open person.
Like it is. A lot of people know me for
a long time. They're like, you got kids or like
I mean I like, yeah, I'm just like, yeah, I
(21:30):
got a lot of humans it's this. But in saying that,
I I do feel like I get so many burst
of things that I need to say in epiphanies that
I have within myself by hearing you talk and talking
things out. And I just had a moment. Okay, question
for you. When you see me practice class as a
(21:50):
student not a.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Teacher, which I saw you last year, I didn't even
notice I was giving you your space because I'm like,
I know how I am. When I take C. Two's
like we were in the same room. People same when
you do. When I do, like sculpt, that's like a party.
Everybody's in there, chit chad and I'm gonna stay high.
I'll go sit on your mat talk to but see
two and uh f one no one.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
See one, see and know the perfusion perfusion.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
The ones that are quieter and more intent, like I know,
I like to just be in my own world. Yes,
so I wasn't gonna come get up in your world. No.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
I love that. But here's what I'm asking is where
have you do you always see me practice class?
Speaker 1 (22:27):
Do I always see you? Like where where you're in
the back, back in the right corner, away from the
weight so people don't have to walk.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
By in the corner. Yes, I blend like I don't
want anybody you see me. I don't want anybody notice
me like it is, okay, I just had an epiphany
and I'm gonna try it out. This is not something
I hold myself too.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
You're gonna go to the front.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Do you want to go to the front with me
to day when we take class? No? No, okay, okay,
you don't have to go.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
I like the back.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Okay, I like the back too, And I feel like, okay,
maybe maybe I move myself to the front without expectations
of like who good, and maybe tomorrow I'm gonna go
back to the back. But for I mean, like always practicing,
I'm like, I don't want to see me. Yeah, because
it is my most vulnerable space. And I will say
I had a moment at a moment a couple of
(23:14):
weeks ago where you will hear me. I'm huge on
no cell phones in the room for so many reasons.
It's like, hey, disconnect, Like technology is already a disturbance.
That's one reasons I.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Had taken over the whole world. Give yourself one hour
of not.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Right, there's safety, privacy, I don't know who you're texting,
what you're texting for Also, it's disrespectful to your neighbors
that want to disconnect and disrespectful for your teachers. But
I had something happen where I was at Green Hills.
The very back teacher gives like, hey, take your cell
phone out, all these things out. I'm in the back
of the room. Take class, amazing class, amazing teacher. I
(23:51):
practiced with one of my friends next to I come
out of Shavastana, come up, wipe my face so the
sweat because it was a bad, amazing breakthrough, sweaty class.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
I mean bad is I'm like bad? Do you know it?
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
And I look to the right and I see somebody's
cell phone as propped and I'm being recorded. You're being recorded,
and again you say you're this person was hold on
this person grab their phone. I see them like hurry
up and grab it, and I know the suit and
I was like, hey, what are you doing And they're like, oh, sorry,
I just brought my phone and I was like, no,
I seen your camera, Like not okay, it comes so sorry.
(24:27):
I just wanted to get you know, they were recording
themselves for practice. But in saying that, I was recorded
inadvertently because I'm the same row as them for somebody one.
That's my vulnerable space. That is where I can be
free and to know that somebody else can see my
process not only physically but emotionally. That is the same
(24:53):
as me being nucked. And I will say, as somebody
who has been filmed without their consent.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
Did it trigger you?
Speaker 2 (25:02):
So I said what I needed to clearly in that moment, Well, yeah,
I mean it was a It was a good conversation
of like, hey, no more, like very boundary, very like
non emotional, like hey not cool, no more, do not
bring your phone in. This is the morning class because
I always take in the mornings. About twelve o'clock, I
sit there and I'm like, my stomach is going, I
(25:22):
feel like I got to throw up, go to the bathroom,
like I feel ill. I go into the bathroom and
I just start sobbing, and I'm like, what is happening?
And I realize why that impacted me so deep?
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Why?
Speaker 2 (25:34):
A couple hours later, because that's what I felt like.
I was like the vulnerability of this and feeling like
I was filmed without my consent, that somebody stole my
safest place in the world for me to be me.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
That not. Yes, So you've worked so hard to protect
that fragile, safe, vulnerable spot and you're sharing it with
people in the yoga studios. So you have felt well
taken advantage of against your consent before, and so that
triggered all that again and you're like, no, that cannot help.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Oh, so is this whole thing and so in that
like a lot of safeguards, which I will I mean
that is for everybody, Like, oh yeah, I don't want
anybody on there. I mean there's people from all walks
of life.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
You don't know when everyone's Always when I say I
go to yonga, I was always like, oh, I'd be
too embarrassed, I'm too vulnerable. I'm not good at it. Well, yes,
you need to be able to go and just be
and not feel the pressure of somebody watching you, somebody
filming you. It's gonna go on the GRAM. You want
to just be able to absolutely just let it.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
All go and well, yes, there's no judgment. Nobody should
be looking at somebody else. Like I said, it took
class and I didn't even know you were in there.
I love you. You're one of my dearest friends in
the world. The teacher said, they said they called your
name out during class. I'm like, didn't hear it, didn't
know because I'm in like I'm trying to work through
stuff within me. Yes, in there and in that, even
(26:57):
those spaces of safety that I've built and I will
stick to the no phones all day long, but in
my freedom and my breakthrough, sometimes I need to make
myself a little uncomfortable just to see and that's still
a safe space of putting my mat up front. I
know people are probably like, what, what does it care
where you're mad? As for me, it's a big deal.
I don't I want to blend in.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
Yeah, I totally get that. So but you're feeling like
you're ready.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
You know what, We're going to do it today, and
I'll let you know how we by me and all
my personalities.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
All of you are going to do it today.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
I'm going to do it today because at the end
of the day, my breakthrough for twenty twenty four, I
want Little Christina. And I'm going to refer to Little
Christina as much as I can, like my untouched childlike
wonder that was created with love and light.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
She's come the front and center.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
I want her to look at almost forty year old me, like,
get a peek into the thing and be like, I
am proud of who you are. You are free, you
are light, you were.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Happy, and you are. I am and you are and
I am and you are. I love you, I love you,
and honestly the thing and then we'll wrap up because
we're gonna go to yoga.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Yeah we are.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
But I looked in the mirror the other day, and
I've looked in the mirror so many times and just cried,
you know, because I've been in the middle of greed
for sadness and I've just been like our heaviness. And
I looked in the mirror the other day and I
had a full one conversation with myself with the mirror.
Sonnie was in another room, was actually in her playroom.
She has a mirror, and I was like talking to
myself and I was like, you're doing so good. Like
(28:30):
you're doing so good, Like look at all the work
you've done, look at this life you've built, look at
how you've overcome, look at how you've gone through hard seasons,
look at how you've figured out what you like and
how you're making it a priority. And you're getting rid
of the things that you don't like, and you're pursuing
what you love and you're being a great friend, and
you're being a great mom, and you're being a great wife,
(28:51):
and you're building a great home and you're leaving a
great legacy. You're you're doing your work and your passion.
And I was like, I was just like had a
pet top of myself and I'm like, you're doing so good,
Like you've done so much work, and I'm so proud
of you because it's hard. It's really hard, and I
just like had a moment where I'm like, oh gosh,
like you know, because it's been so hard and so
(29:13):
emotional and so sad for a while, you know, for
me personally, and I think a lot of people. But
I'm like, look at you still here, still finding the light,
still like coming back out of the you know, you
go in the mud and you're getting back out of it,
and like you're doing good things, and you're trying so hard.
And I said that, like you're just trying so hard,
(29:34):
and you're trying so hard, like every day we're just
trying so hard to be a good person and to
be better and to be a great mom, and to
be a great wife and to be a great partner contributor,
and to let your kids have freedom and love them
and then also like guide them. And it's like it's
just such a dance, you know, and we're just doing
a good job. And I hope everyone listening can find
in themselves with they're doing a good job and not
(29:56):
just like always beat yourself up, because it's really easy
to go down the whole of what's wrong, what's wrong,
what's wrong when I need to fix, But like we're
also doing great. You know.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
You get an A for effort. Yeah, and we're not
tied to the A for mastery.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
No, I don't want this.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Life isn't graded the effort, Like the effort is acknowledged. Yeah, yes,
Oh my gosh, you get a sticker. If I had
a big old sticker, UD stick it on you and
be like, great job, great job of doing the work,
and you too, and I think you I would stick
it on myself. You'll get an A.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
And it doesn't always have to show up in success
of career. And I think that that's what I've had
to redefine these past like three years, is the success
that I have achieved has not been in my career
these past three years. Like my career has been great.
The podcast has been great, and I've loved that, but
that's just been kind of like rocking and rolling, and
I love it and it's such a wonderful part of
my existence.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
But like the.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Success that I've achieved these past three years have been internally,
Like it has been an internal success and like nobody
really can see it but me, you know. And it's
been hard work that I've done by myself with friends
like you, in circumstances that were safe like yoga and
podcasting and with you know, intimate groups of friends and
my husband and whatever. But it's like the work has
been for me and no one really sees that. But
(31:07):
that's a huge success, like the biggest success I can have,
because that's gonna lay the foundation for everything. We only,
like I feel like we get so caught up and
judging ourselves on the career success and what do you
what accolades do you have? But like the internal success
is the biggest win, you know, And you've been doing
that too, and I just I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you work to do this stuff.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
I'm so proud of you, and I'm proud of I mean,
we're all coming out of it. You know. Twenty twenty
knocked us all on our asses. It did everybody, and.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
It's been a lot. I don't remember that year, and
I want to talk about that year.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
We've got through, but it's been a lot recovery. It
as in so many ways, and now it's like, let's go. Yeah,
I love you, I love you.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Let's go yoga.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Let's go to yoga. You have the friend, I'll go
on the back.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Okay, cheer up. You know what. My heart is gonna
shine brightly through my shoulder blades right back at you,
and you can shine it forth through.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
I had a season of loving being in the front,
but I'm not in that season right now.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Today's me just like, hey, that's okay to do it.
Be vulnerable.
Speaker 1 (32:09):
Yeah, I love you. Let's leave our light.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
Okay. Leave your light is making little Christina proud, and
I feel like my light has been truly embracing that
and making actionable steps to make that happen.
Speaker 1 (32:24):
I love that my light is. My grandmother surely says this.
She's eighty nine. She's in a retirement home. Her husband
died and she's, you know, found some new friends and
she's enjoying her life as best she can. And she
always says, enjoy life's pleasures when you have them, and
when you don't, don't mourn. And I get that now,
(32:47):
you know, I really understand that now because last year
I feel like I had a hard time enjoying life's pleasures.
I did enjoy them, and I caught the moments with Sonny,
all of them, but I was just really in a
heavy season. But I wasn't mad that it was happening
to me, because I know that everybody goes through heavy seasons.
But now I'm in this light season and I'm like,
(33:08):
I'm just gonna enjoy it, Like I'm just gonna enjoy
it when things are good, and when they're heavy, you
work through them and you know that there's light coming.
But right now I feel light and i feel excited,
and I'm just going to bask in it and I'm
not gonna at all do anything to take it away
until the world in my ecosystem shifts and I have
(33:29):
to deal with something else. But while it's good, I'm going.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
To enjoy it bask and I get that glow.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
I'm going to enjoy life's pleasures when I have them,
and when I don't, I'm not going to warn.
Speaker 2 (33:38):
I love it. I love you. Thank you for sharing that.
Thank you for sharing.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
This is Caroline and Christina on the burn On the
burn on the Bird. Now let's go burn it out
in New Let you go burn it out. Okay, bye,
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