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January 11, 2024 33 mins

If you've been tuning in to The Burn (and we hope you have), you're familiar with Caroline and me openly discussing where we're feeling burnt out and where we're burning bright. In this episode, we intentionally took the time to celebrate our own personal victories moving into the New Year. 2023 threw a lot of heartbreak at both of us in our own individual lives, and as we stepped into 2024, we have genuinely felt we are burning brighter and acknowledge with such gratitude that the work we have been doing within ourselves led us to this place. Through our conversations, we realize our significant step forward doesn't necessarily need to involve some elaborate goal setting for 2024; it can truly be celebrating the win of feeling at peace and content with exactly where we are. Hey, you might even make a bold move of moving your yoga mat to the front of the room or making the bold move to not 

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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Gus Sue's Buck. Gus Sue's Buck starting out twenty twenty
four with bangers and you know what we're starting. I
got your feet in my lap, which I snuggle me,
snuggle me because you're All of our volumes are good.
Twenty twenty four. It's feeling good. How many days are
we in? Yes? Today, nine or ten? The night the night,
nine days in? And I love twenty twenty four for myself.

(00:23):
I feel a definite difference in twenty twenty four from
twenty twenty three. Like the day twenty twenty four happened,
I was like, this is a good year. I feel it.
I'm claiming it. All of this heaviness left my body.
I just feel light and my word is lighthearted. I
just feel good this year, maybe because the past three
years have been freaking hard, hard, hard, and I'm like,

(00:49):
I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again.
I am not gonna go down the whole of sadness
about stuff. I am releasing all of the past that
was heavy and hard, taking the great lessons and having
a light year. I'm claiming it. So nobody messed it
up for me. No, And I know twenty twenty three,
like we had highs. Yeah, but there's some great seven

(01:11):
twenty twenty three. I think both of us had extreme
lows in twenty twenty three in different places in our
life and in different things, and just for us having
personal conversations and what we shared on the podcast, like
ready to release it and ready to release them, ready
to release it, and I feel like I've released it.
But that's the thing that is for anyone listening. I

(01:32):
want to talk about this because I think this is
a great point. I was so ready to get out
of my stuff last year, all the things that were
weighing me down, all the heaviness, all the heartache, all
the lessons, but I couldn't get it out. I was
going to yoga all the time with you, like crying
in the back of the room, just sobbing my eyes out,
like purging, purging, purging, but it would never would let up.

(01:52):
I could not get out of that phase. And then
it just released. It just happened. It just happened. So
I want to tell people who are like stuck in
the hard part. Like I was talking to a friend
the other day and she's in the middle of a
fresh divorce. She's got grown kids, she got a new life,
and she's like, it's just so much harder than I thought.
And she's crying all the time, and I'm like, hey,
until the tears stop, just cry because they will stop eventually, right,

(02:15):
But if they're there, you got to cry them out.
And if you're in that season of it's heavy and
it's hard and you're vulnerable and you're broken, you just
got to keep moving through it, feeling it, being in it,
and eventually it will release. Right, Yeah, explain that break
that down from me, because I'm like baffled by how
it finally released and I would been dying for it
to release. Okay, wouldn't let me verbalize this? And I

(02:35):
say verbalize this because it's not going to be clean.
It's literally just coming from what's my brain news maybe messy.
So just hearing you say that, I'm thinking about sweat,
physical sweat, and how often like if you're used to
working out, if you're used to all these things, we're like, okay,
we've been trained that sweat is good, right, we need
to purge toxins, all the things out of our body.
It helps build heat, burn energy, create change, build strength.

(02:58):
And then we also wore deodorant, like you know, but
I feel like us being so adverse to tears is
like emotional deodorant. We're like, let's track out when we
need to sweat. We need to get it on. We
need and we're trying to find the heaviest deodorant to
be like stop crying. Sometimes we need to cry. Well
that by sometimes, I mean most of the time we

(03:18):
need to cry. Why are we suppressing? So don't work
anti persperist wear deodorant that doesn't have I actually don't
wear anti prespriant to yoga because I'm like, I want
to smell good, but I want to sweat it out.
I want to stop the sweat. People do that when
they feel the tears coming on and they feel the pain,
they want to run, They want to avoid. They do
not want to go into that painful thing. But you're right,
you have to go into it. Go into it. Angela

(03:40):
and Angeli said that, they're like, how do you deal
with heartache? She goes, you go swalk straight into it
as hard and as fast as you can and feel
it all and then get out you. I will play
because music, music, I mean music is like I could
play it on and I can purposely shift my mood
in a heartbeat by whatever my playlist is. But I
purposely had to break my heart in place some of

(04:00):
the saddest heartbreaking songs that were all over the place,
like love, heartbreak, emotional heartbreak, like all the things in
the world, to sit there and just cry by myself
in my room, to get the tears out, because sometimes
I don't know why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling.
Did you identify what you were feeling this life? Why
I do that through pain or through painting? Do you
know what feeling my pain? What part of your life
were you purging last year? I mean a lot of it.

(04:22):
It of course ties back to my childhood and like
expectations of what I have put on me. And I'm
supposed to be this person. I'm supposed to be tough,
and I will tell you a person. We talked about this.
I follow rules. I do not like to break a rule.
I do not like anything one it was tied to shame.
My thing was like it's was tied to shame. I
don't want to be like you did weren't good enough?

(04:43):
You did this. I don't want to get in trouble.
I am terrified of getting in trouble. And for me,
I didn't have a lot of safe constraints and boundaries
and rules in my family that I crave those things
to set me up on a clear path. And the
boundaries that I did have were like crazy extreme, like

(05:04):
not that. Yeah, it was you can't watch the Simpsons,
you can't watch MTV, but you can watch horror movies
filled with sex and stuff so like, and then there
was no sex talks fault like it was crazy stuff,
you know, sex talks. Yeah, there was no sex talks.
You know, yes, like life. But for me, I'm like, okay,
how can I find a safe space with boundaries and

(05:24):
like even creating and managing like so many things I
will carry for other people, for teachers, for students, and
while I take feedback and all those things very well,
I cannot please everybody. And how can I find create
the safest space, the most supportive space and be okay
with letting people down in that process? So were you

(05:45):
just kind of like purging out all of that expectation
that you had put on yourself that isn't real. Yeah,
it takes a lot to get all that out. I
feel like I've been doing that too, and looking in
the mirror and looking in them and being like, hey,
there's still work to do. Come on, there's still work
to do. You've you've dug really really deep, but there's

(06:07):
still some shrapnels scattered throughout the yard that we got
to find. And it came back to what would I
want for my little self, like my little joy of
self looking at my daughters and my sons, what would
I want for them? And what mistakes did I make
with them for my parenting and how could I grow
and change? And for me, it wasn't New Year's Day

(06:28):
where I was like, I'm going to make this change.
It was little things that happened over my break from
work where I was truly present at home. I experienced
my grown kids and my younger daughter in new ways.
Like Christmas this year was completely different. Only have one
kid living with me at home and you have six kids. Yes,
and my expectation is alway raising kids a long time, Ristina,

(06:52):
your whole Yes, And I was raising myself. You've done
such a good job. Yeah, and you still have such
a z and a spark and a joy for life
Like I was at the yoga studio. It was yesterday
or the day before, and you were there and I
was listening to you greet people and talk to people,
and I'm like, you are just a bright bundle of joy.
You make everyone feel so good, so loved, so welcomed,

(07:16):
so cozy. You just like, of all the life that
you've lived in, the hard, heavy life that happened to
you fast and furious, you're still so light and you're
still so joyous. And you had a lot to sift through.
I did, and I had to try, and I had
to work, and I had to, yeah, like do a
lot of reflection. And I will say, like, like I said,

(07:38):
Christmas Day was huge for me because it was a
complete different thing than I've ever experienced. Well, it's the
difference before I set these expectations of my older kids
when they moved out or they had girlfriends already, it
was basically when they moved out, if you do not
stay over for Christmas Eve, Santa doesn't come and so,
and it was my way of trying to control my

(08:00):
adult kids to stay at home, like you're not gonna
get Santa's presence if you don't. But it's just like
that is such crap, Like that's not fair. That's not
fair to them because because you love them so much, yes,
and you just want them in you'resh I know my way,
but it's so selfish. Like my oldest son, how old
are your older dogs? Twenty three? But he has his

(08:20):
own house. He's moved out since nineteen. He bought his
first house at nineteen. Like, he has done so well,
and I've tried to keep him in constraints because I'm like,
I don't want you to mess up. I don't want
you to mess up. Mess up? Kid? Are you so proud?
So this year I was like, okay, stay if you want.
Does he live here? Yeah, he's in Columbia. Okay, we
at least he's near. He's near. So he drove in

(08:41):
the morning, got up early, came over, and we had
the best Christmas day, like we I We opened up presents.
Santa come for him. We yeah, Santa came for everybody.
I can't tell Santa. Well. It so hard to have
so much love for all these kids that you raising.
I mean, I'm gonna cry because I only have one.

(09:02):
But like you've given all of your heart too, especially
like when you were raising yourself and now they're grown
up and you just want them to be safe, and
you just want them to have a good life, and
you just don't want them to go through stuff, and
you just don't want them to hurt, and you just
want them to be with you, and you just don't
hug them and kiss them, and you can't help it. No,
and an all boil down to I really wanted to
feel loved by my kids. I really wanted that safe

(09:24):
family thing that I go back to when I was
a kid, and that glimmer of what I had for
a small moment of like going and celebrating Christmas Eve
at my grandparents and then we go home and like
see it and we were just with each other. And
I'm also trying to fill a void that it's not
theirs to fill. I know they love me, and it's

(09:45):
not their job to fill that place of Christmas spirit
for me. It's my place to create that in a
new way for them as an adult. So you let
all of your I was like here now, the only
thing is we joked. I was like, can we please
watch Et because it was my son's favorite movie. I
bought it on TV. And then they were like, we
got to girls like et ET. So now we have
a group chat about like, are you all gonna go

(10:07):
up much et with me? But we talked about this
last time. Your husband was he saying that you're controlling?
Is that what he said? I mean, yes, Okay, So
this is a huge thing of letting go of it.
It is, well, his whole thing is I'm gonna know
it all. Oh A know it all? But you do
you know it all? I think you know it all,
and sometimes I have to shut up and listen. I
preach about it all the time, and I just have

(10:28):
to listen. Well, to shut up and listen. As a
mom of grown kids, that's a huge adjustment from a
mom of a little kid because right now, like, I'm
a mom of a four year old, so I do
know it all for her, you know, it is my
job to make sure she's guided well. And I'm the
one who knows how to do that. So to shift
over to now you have adult children who are living
on their own, who you have to be like, Okay,

(10:50):
now it's you. You're the one who's taking the lead
and I have to take the back seat. That's a
huge shift in your brain. You have to rewire the
whole thing to let them go. I can't imagine how
hard that is. I don't know another life besides parenting them,
and I think that was my hardest spaces. How do

(11:10):
I let go? And in order to let go, like,
I'm inviting love for my adult children and new relationships
and new guiding places. And I'll say through all my
kids through this break, my twenty one year old him
and I had just such a healing place through he
had a heartbreak and I had to sit and listen

(11:33):
and I had to talk to him and we are
at the best place ever. And I'm like, oh my gosh,
I've missed out on this for the past two years
because and I mean we still talk like there wasn't anything,
but I wasn't emotionally able to like, OK, how'd you
miss out? Because you were trying to make plans well
when he moved out, it was like, oh my gosh,
you should be going to college, you should be this.

(11:55):
Why'd you move out? You're supposed to save money, Like
what is happening? You were worried about all the ins
and outs of like him, like just staying on course
instead of the ins and out of his emotional being
because you're a mom and you're like, you're on your own.
Please don't die, please do And I had to wreck
your line to make the same mistakes and get on
some hamster wheel of work and be on this thing

(12:15):
because he has to not because it's what he's called
to do. And so like controlling pushed him away from me,
Like we still talked and we still spent time together,
but we didn't see each other emotionally because I didn't
see him. But you are the most loving, open hearted,

(12:35):
like find your sole person. But isn't that interesting when
it's your own offspring and you're so worried about them
just having a good life that sometimes it's hard just
to have a soul to soul conversation because you're like, Okay,
here's your soul, but how's everything else in your life?
Are you all organized? Is everything gonna be okay? Are
you gonna not f it up? Yeah? But really, he
just wanted you to sit there and talk to him

(12:57):
and see his heart, and you did that and you
were able to do that. That's huge, And I just
feel like, did you surrender? Was that surrendering letting go? Well,
I'm gonna tell you, tell me where I'm at in
my joy. I'm gonna be very honest, and I'm still
asking myself the question, Okay, am I'm I just? Am

(13:18):
I just in a place of joy and happiness because
I have built the foundation for that. And all your
kids are doing well? Yeah, well, I mean everybody's got
their own, but everyone says, but everyone's doing good, right, No,
not necessarily. I mean my adoptive children are, you know, struggling,
And there's parts of that that I need to let

(13:39):
go of, and I don't feel comfortable talking about right now,
just because for their privacy. Well, and it's their story
to tell you, yes, yeah, but yes I had to.
I mean, I'd do a lot of work to let
go of that because I'm like, I'm not a good mom.
I'm not this, I'm not this and they're grown kids
in their twenties. So there's a lot of that to
circle back to. But my first thing is like asking myself,

(13:59):
am I really this happy? Because I'm not used to it.
Oh my gosh, I am not used to being peaceful
and letting go of control and like just surrender. I'm not. Yeah.
And the second part is I've been doing holistic you know,

(14:21):
takens of like I'm using earth medicine to work and
heal on myself. And while I'll say Eastern Western medicine,
they all have their benefits for me right now. A
shift in December was I am going to use earth
medicine to try to work with my anxiety from suggestions
of friends that have worked. It's worked, it has worked,
and I'm going to ride on that as long as

(14:41):
i can. And the third one, of course, I go
back to, am I am like a manic episode? And
I know that's a negative thing, but I also have
to remind myself, like am I going to crash? And
how can I create a soft foundation so that I'm
not landing on hard ground? So for me right now,
while I'm writing these highs, I'm starting to build a foundation.

(15:02):
I'm building a support team. I'm speaking my expectations and
my goals so that others hold me accountable as well.
So my children hold me accountable of, like this is
who I want to be as a mother, my staff
holds me accountable of. This is how I want to
be as a leader. How can I support you? I'm
putting that in writing and my manifestations, like putting that

(15:25):
place where I've scheduled. I know, we've talked about it.
My painting scheduled, this scheduled, my writing scheduled, and working
in groups that paint that writing, showing up to things, communities.
I'm not alone. I'm not on an island, and I
put myself on an island. I put myself on an island,
and I think I told myself the lie for so

(15:47):
long as I like being alone? Why because you just
don't because it's there. You can get hurt being alone,
is it? Though? I mean, and it was for so
long for me, and the fact of I built safety
boundaries so hard, and I will say I'm good at boundaries,

(16:07):
but my safety boundaries locked out a lot of people
that could have and still have the possibility of amplifying
my life and bringing peace. And it locked myself away
from people of sharing love joy in the gift of yoga.

(16:31):
And I'm not necessarily talking about the physical part, because
as much as I am, I'm going it's that is
what changed my life. But I blocked myself off. I'm like,
I'm going to keep it this way and that's not yoga. Well,
here's the thing that maybees happened. I think we go
through waves of life. And it's like when you start
off with a bunch of childhood trauma, which everybody has trauma,

(16:52):
but when you start off with a heavy dose of
it like you did, and then you go straight into
raising kids and you go straight into all this insane
emotional just heaviness and beauty, but like also just so
much s tore up your head around and you weren't
necessarily protected as a young person. You had to go in.

(17:13):
You had to go in and protect yourself. You had
to go in and build a fortress for yourself. You
had to go in and know who you were. You
had to go in and know that you were your
safety and you were your savior and that you could
take care of yourself, and that no matter who in
the world was in your life, you were going to
be okay. Like you had to build that protection for yourself,
and so you did that, and then you trusted yourself

(17:34):
and you've created boundaries for yourself and now I feel
like you're in such a good place that you can
let people in in a healthy way. But you had
to do that internal work, you know, And so I
don't think it was a bad thing or like you
were shutting people out. I think you were just making
sure you were safe with you. Do you know what
we said earlier on when we just were like, we
want to surrender, we want to surrender, we want to surrender.

(17:56):
We had to come to this place of realization of surrendering.
And I had to get to this place because it
protected me for so long to be able to release
and let that open, just like surrendering the things that
you had to surrender when it broke you, it put
you like it did all the things. And me, I'm
like off of my corner and you're You're like, please
give it to me, give it to me. I need this,
I need this. We had different ways, but we had

(18:17):
to be broken. Oh yeah, because like people listening and
I have, I've talked about this, but I had a
third miscarriage last year, like three in a row, and
two before Sonny, and I'm just like, oh my god,
I cannot go through this again. Like this is so
emotionally devastating, exhausting. Sonny's not gonna get a sibling, Michael's
not going to get another kid. I feel guilt, I
feel shame, I feel like why am I not doing this?

(18:38):
But then all of a sudden, I was just like, God,
I have given my heart and soul to this. I
have tried. I do not have the energy to keep
going on this journey. And like that's another thing that
I realized and maybe you realized this on yours. It's
like I hit a point where it's like I've maxed
out the energy I have for this, Like I wanted this,

(18:58):
but now that it's not happening, I'm going to embrace.
I could keep going, I could go find a specialist,
I could do all these next level things. I don't
have that in me to keep it going. I'm forty
years old. I'm just like, all of a sudden, I
had this peace where after grieving and being sad and
all those feelings, I'm like, I'm gonna love what I
have with all my heart, and instead of thinking about

(19:20):
what I don't have and what I'm lacking, I'm gonna
think about all the great things that I get to
do because I just have one child, because I just
get to pour into one, because I'm not distracted at
all with another kid, Like there are so many blessings
that for me personally, I love and studying is my
little best friend, and I'm like we just get to
be bop and be besties forever, like and we're gonna

(19:42):
go through phases of course, but I'm like, I'm just
gonna lean into that that I get to take her
everywhere with me, that she gets to come on stage
when you want, I'm doing podcasts, that like whatever she
wants to do, I can help her pursue without like
feeling stressed out or like pulled another direction. Like she
gets to have all of my attention, and that's it's
a blessing. Of course, there's a lot of things that
she doesn't get, not having a sibling and a bigger family,

(20:04):
but like, why not just focus on all the things
that we get to have, you know, And it took
a lot of work for you to have that epiphany.
Didn't come over now, oh my god, god, No, I
mean it came where it was like wow, but you
had to go through a lot to process and greet
Oh my god, I get there so much and so
much of it was done in the yoga studio. I
literally was in the back of the room crying my

(20:26):
eyes out all last year. And finally that's why I
told my friend who got the new divorce, who was
crying and fresh, and I'm like, finally the tears stop.
I can't tell you how it happens. But when you
cry enough and go through it enough and deal with
it and grieve it enough, eventually you get to another
place with it. You do like, you just get to
a lighter place with it eventually, But you have to

(20:46):
feel it. You cannot avoid it. Okay, I'm gonna say
this one. I love talking to you because I love
you so much and you're my friend and just gosh,
all the work and like healing and just your such
a vulnerable human, but you were. You were a freaking
amazing friend. And in saying that, I feel like talking

(21:07):
to you because I've even though it's podcast, and whether
it's five people listening or however many people listening, that's
a vulnerable billion, five everybody in the world. That's a
vulnerable thing for me because I'm not I'm a very
private person. I'm not an open person. Like it is.
A lot of people know me for a long time.
They're like, you got kids or like I mean I like, yeah,

(21:29):
I'm just like, yeah, I got a lot of humans
it's this. But in saying that, I I do feel
like I get so many burst of things that I
need to say in epiphanies that I have within myself
by hearing you talk and talking things out. And I
just had a moment. Okay, question for you. When you
see me practice class as a student not a teacher,

(21:51):
which I saw you last year, I didn't even notice
I was giving you your space because I'm like, I
know how I am. When I take C. Two's like
we were in the same room. People same when you do.
When I do, like sculpt, that's like a party. Everybody's
in there, chit chad and I'm gonna stay high. I'll
go sit on your mat talk to but see two
and uh f one no one see one, see and

(22:12):
know the perfusion perfusion the ones that are quieter and
more intent, like I know, I like to just be
in my own world. Yes, so I wasn't gonna come
get up in your world. No. I love that. But
here's what I'm asking is where have you do you
always see me practice class? Do I always see you?
Like where where you're in the back, back in the
right corner, away from the weight so people don't have

(22:32):
to walk by in the corner. Yes, I blend like
I don't want anybody you see me. I don't want
anybody notice me like it is, okay, I just had
an epiphany and I'm gonna try it out. This is
not something I hold myself too. You're gonna go to
the front. Do you want to go to the front
with me to day when we take class? No? No, okay, okay,
you don't have to go. I like the back. Okay,
I like the back too, And I feel like, okay,

(22:53):
maybe maybe I move myself to the front without expectations
of like who good, and maybe tomorrow I'm gonna go
back to the back. But for I mean, like always practicing,
I'm like, I don't want to see me. Yeah, because
it is my most vulnerable space. And I will say
I had a moment at a moment a couple of

(23:14):
weeks ago where you will hear me. I'm huge on
no cell phones in the room for so many reasons.
It's like, hey, disconnect, Like technology is already a disturbance.
That's one reasons I had taken over the whole world.
Give yourself one hour of not right, there's safety, privacy,
I don't know who you're texting, what you're texting for Also,
it's disrespectful to your neighbors that want to disconnect and

(23:36):
disrespectful for your teachers. But I had something happen where
I was at Green Hills. The very back teacher gives like, hey,
take your cell phone out, all these things out. I'm
in the back of the room. Take class, amazing class,
amazing teacher. I practiced with one of my friends next
to I come out of Shavastana, come up, wipe my
face so the sweat because it was a bad, amazing breakthrough,

(24:00):
sweaty class. I love it. I mean bad is I'm
like bad? Do you know it? Yeah? Yeah? And I
look to the right and I see somebody's cell phone
as propped and I'm being recorded. You're being recorded, and
again you say you're this person was hold on this
person grab their phone. I see them like hurry up
and grab it, and I know the suit and I

(24:20):
was like, hey, what are you doing And they're like, oh, sorry,
I just brought my phone and I was like, no,
I seen your camera, Like not okay, it comes so sorry.
I just wanted to get you know, they were recording
themselves for practice. But in saying that, I was recorded
inadvertently because I'm the same row as them for somebody one.
That's my vulnerable space. That is where I can be

(24:43):
free and to know that somebody else can see my
process not only physically but emotionally. That is the same
as me being nucked. And I will say, as somebody
who has been filmed without their consent, did it trigger you?
So I said what I needed to clearly in that moment, Well, yeah,

(25:07):
I mean it was a It was a good conversation
of like, hey, no more, like very boundary, very like
non emotional, like hey not cool, no more, do not
bring your phone in. This is the morning class because
I always take in the mornings. About twelve o'clock, I
sit there and I'm like, my stomach is going, I
feel like I got to throw up, go to the bathroom,
like I feel ill. I go into the bathroom and

(25:28):
I just start sobbing, and I'm like, what is happening?
And I realize why that impacted me so deep? Why?
A couple hours later, because that's what I felt like.
I was like the vulnerability of this and feeling like
I was filmed without my consent, that somebody stole my
safest place in the world for me to be me

(25:49):
that not. Yes, So you've worked so hard to protect
that fragile, safe, vulnerable spot and you're sharing it with
people in the yoga studios. So you have felt well
taken advantage of against your consent before, and so that
triggered all that again and you're like, no, that cannot help. Oh,
so is this whole thing and so in that like

(26:09):
a lot of safeguards, which I will I mean that
is for everybody, Like, oh yeah, I don't want anybody
on there. I mean there's people from all walks of life.
You don't know when everyone's Always when I say I
go to yonga, I was always like, oh, I'd be
too embarrassed, I'm too vulnerable. I'm not good at it. Well, yes,
you need to be able to go and just be
and not feel the pressure of somebody watching you, somebody
filming you. It's gonna go on the GRAM. You want

(26:31):
to just be able to absolutely just let it all
go and well, yes, there's no judgment. Nobody should be
looking at somebody else. Like I said, it took class
and I didn't even know you were in there. I
love you. You're one of my dearest friends in the world.
The teacher said, they said they called your name out
during class. I'm like, didn't hear it, didn't know because
I'm in like I'm trying to work through stuff within me. Yes,

(26:51):
in there and in that, even those spaces of safety
that I've built and I will stick to the no
phones all day long, but in my freedom and my breakthrough,
sometimes I need to make myself a little uncomfortable just
to see and that's still a safe space of putting

(27:11):
my mat up front. I know people are probably like, what,
what does it care where you're mad? As for me,
it's a big deal. I don't I want to blend in. Yeah,
I totally get that. So but you're feeling like you're ready,
you know what, We're going to do it today, and
I'll let you know how we by me and all
my personalities, all of you are going to do it today.
I'm going to do it today because at the end

(27:32):
of the day, my breakthrough for twenty twenty four, I
want Little Christina. And I'm going to refer to Little
Christina as much as I can, like my untouched childlike
wonder that was created with love and light. She's come
the front and center. I want her to look at
almost forty year old me, like, get a peek into
the thing and be like, I am proud of who

(27:54):
you are. You are free, you are light, you were happy,
and you are. I am and you are and I
am and you are. I love you, I love you,
and honestly the thing and then we'll wrap up because
we're gonna go to yoga. Yeah we are. But I
looked in the mirror the other day, and I've looked
in the mirror so many times and just cried, you know,

(28:14):
because I've been in the middle of greed for sadness
and I've just been like our heaviness. And I looked
in the mirror the other day and I had a
full one conversation with myself with the mirror. Sonnie was
in another room, was actually in her playroom. She has
a mirror, and I was like talking to myself and
I was like, you're doing so good. Like you're doing
so good, Like look at all the work you've done,
look at this life you've built, look at how you've overcome,

(28:36):
look at how you've gone through hard seasons, look at
how you've figured out what you like and how you're
making it a priority. And you're getting rid of the
things that you don't like, and you're pursuing what you
love and you're being a great friend, and you're being
a great mom, and you're being a great wife, and
you're building a great home and you're leaving a great legacy.
You're you're doing your work and your passion. And I

(28:57):
was like, I was just like had a pet top
of myself and I'm like, you're doing so good, Like
you've done so much work, and I'm so proud of
you because it's hard. It's really hard, and I just
like had a moment where I'm like, oh gosh, like
you know, because it's been so hard and so emotional
and so sad for a while, you know, for me personally,

(29:17):
and I think a lot of people. But I'm like,
look at you still here, still finding the light, still
like coming back out of the you know, you go
in the mud and you're getting back out of it,
and like you're doing good things, and you're trying so hard.
And I said that, like you're just trying so hard,
and you're trying so hard, like every day we're just
trying so hard to be a good person and to

(29:39):
be better and to be a great mom, and to
be a great wife and to be a great partner contributor,
and to let your kids have freedom and love them
and then also like guide them. And it's like it's
just such a dance, you know, and we're just doing
a good job. And I hope everyone listening can find
in themselves with they're doing a good job and not
just like always beat yourself up, because it's really easy

(30:00):
to go down the whole of what's wrong, what's wrong,
what's wrong when I need to fix, But like we're
also doing great. You know. You get an A for effort. Yeah,
and we're not tied to the A for mastery. No,
I don't want this. Life isn't graded the effort, Like
the effort is acknowledged. Yeah, yes, Oh my gosh, you
get a sticker. If I had a big old sticker,
UD stick it on you and be like, great job,

(30:21):
great job of doing the work, and you too, and
I think you I would stick it on myself. You'll
get an A. And it doesn't always have to show
up in success of career. And I think that that's
what I've had to redefine these past like three years,
is the success that I have achieved has not been
in my career these past three years. Like my career
has been great. The podcast has been great, and I've
loved that, but that's just been kind of like rocking
and rolling, and I love it and it's such a

(30:42):
wonderful part of my existence. But like the success that
I've achieved these past three years have been internally, Like
it has been an internal success and like nobody really
can see it but me, you know. And it's been
hard work that I've done by myself with friends like you,
in circumstances that were safe like yoga and podcasting and
with you know, intimate groups of friends and my husband
and whatever. But it's like the work has been for

(31:04):
me and no one really sees that. But that's a
huge success, like the biggest success I can have, because
that's gonna lay the foundation for everything. We only, like
I feel like we get so caught up and judging
ourselves on the career success and what do you what
accolades do you have? But like the internal success is
the biggest win, you know, And you've been doing that too,
and I just I'm so proud of you. I'm so

(31:25):
proud of you work to do this stuff. I'm so
proud of you. I'm so proud of you, and I'm
proud of I mean, we're all coming out of it.
You know. Twenty twenty knocked us all on our asses.
It did everybody, and it's been a lot. I don't
remember that year, and I want to talk about that year.
We've got through, but it's been a lot recovery. It
as in so many ways, and now it's like, let's go. Yeah,

(31:47):
I love you, I love you. Let's go yoga. Let's
go to yoga. You have the friend, I'll go on
the back. Okay, cheer up. You know what. My heart
is gonna shine brightly through my shoulder blades right back
at you, and you can shine it forth through. I
had a season of loving being in the front, but
I'm not in that season right now. Today's me just like, hey,
that's okay to do it. Be vulnerable. Yeah, I love you.

(32:11):
Let's leave our light. Okay. Leave your light is making
little Christina proud, and I feel like my light has
been truly embracing that and making actionable steps to make
that happen. I love that my light is. My grandmother
surely says this. She's eighty nine. She's in a retirement home.

(32:33):
Her husband died and she's, you know, found some new
friends and she's enjoying her life as best she can.
And she always says, enjoy life's pleasures when you have them,
and when you don't, don't mourn. And I get that now,
you know, I really understand that now because last year
I feel like I had a hard time enjoying life's pleasures.
I did enjoy them, and I caught the moments with Sonny,

(32:55):
all of them, but I was just really in a
heavy season. But I wasn't mad that it was happening
to me, because I know that everybody goes through heavy seasons.
But now I'm in this light season and I'm like,
I'm just gonna enjoy it, Like I'm just gonna enjoy
it when things are good, and when they're heavy, you
work through them and you know that there's light coming.

(33:16):
But right now I feel light and i feel excited,
and I'm just going to bask in it and I'm
not gonna at all do anything to take it away
until the world in my ecosystem shifts and I have
to deal with something else. But while it's good, I'm
going to enjoy it bask and I get that glow.
I'm going to enjoy life's pleasures when I have them,

(33:36):
and when I don't, I'm not going to warn. I
love it. I love you. Thank you for sharing that.
Thank you for sharing. This is Caroline and Christina on
the burn On the burn on the Bird. Now let's
go burn it out in New Let you go burn
it out. Okay, bye,
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