In this episode, I get real with Tori Hein! Tori exudes such knowledge and prophecy and is so gifted in expressing playful yet digestible wisdom. In part one, we talk all about:
• Why it is worth doing the unseen work to live with a purpose that is impossible to lose
• Bearing a willingness to remain in an atmosphere that can produce growth
• Working from worth rather than for it
• Her journey of the "75-Day Hard Challenge" and how God met her on day 65
• The importance of healing our own story to become healing agents in the lives of others
I can't wait for you to listen to this incredible conversation with Tori...and this is just part one! Stay tuned for part two next week!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:09):
Carola. She's a queen and she's getting not afraid of thing,
so just let it flu. No one can do with Carols. Carol,
I'm here, Tory. Hind it's like Hinds without the Z. Yeah,
(00:31):
it's like a catch up. Just x to ze at hand.
It's hind Heine, not full full German kind China, although
I'm not German by marriage. I guess is this the German?
Is this your married name? Yeah, it's better than what
I was born with, which was swearing gin. Wow. I
(00:53):
know swear Ein is a very Dutch name. Swear Engin.
Do you speak Dutch? But I do speak a little
Spanish because my mom is Mexican. So I just I'm
a little bit of everything. You know. I love it.
You can't pin me down, and I won't thank you.
I will not. I don't think you will. I felt
(01:14):
teary right when Tory walked in the room. I want
to I want to cry because she has this incredible
course called work from Worthy. I am Tory and I
know each other from a lot really just from like
the music industry, and you're great at sharing your soul
and we've run into each other through lots of different
circles in that way. But I um, okay, I positive
(01:41):
for a second everyone, But I'm unpausing it because I
was just going to check with Tory to make sure
we can mention the therapy group that we share. I'm
unashamed to say that I need therapy and I need
a lot of help, lots of it. So we we
met the Reporter's Call, which is an incredible therapy supporters call.
I mean Beth, our favorite women on the planet. Beth
(02:02):
runs it. It's a group that offers free therapy to
artists and their spouses. What a gift. Yeah, for real,
the first time I ever got on the phone with Beth,
it probably feels a little bit like that same feeling
where you just want to cry the moment that that
person comes into the room. I just needed someone to
(02:23):
be on the phone and rehash to me how hard
the things that I was walking out were, traveling Musician. Yeah,
just a validation of Hey, you have a lot on
your plate and this is really hard, and I just
like broke down, stop crying on the phone. It was
like early two thift Because why do you think that
(02:45):
validation meant so much to you? It meant a lot
because we I wasn't receiving it, but I was desiring it, which, honestly,
this is kind of like the foundation of the work
from Worth story. That's so it all ties together because
I think so many of us want that um validation
and the approval or the accolades of the things that
(03:07):
we're doing matter, and it's easy to have that extrinsic
motivation or encouragement be the motivator behind it if we're
not careful. So say that again. Okay, so let me
back up. The reason why this was so important to
me getting on the phone with Beth was because it
(03:28):
was a season of life where I was facing a
lot of deep rooted rejection and loneliness. My husband was
on the road, but I was homeworking five part time
jobs so that he could be on the road. So
you were scrambling, Yeah, three year old um working from
five am until midnight and without any thank you. We
(03:48):
see you, we honor you, we love you. Because you
just had to do it. I just and I felt
called to do it. But still still all the while
quest Janine, is what I'm doing mattering? Does it matter
to people that the people that I love doesn't matter?
To God, does my life matter? It feels like I'm
(04:11):
just on the hamster wheel of working, but I'm always
doing something and yet never feeling like I'm ever doing enough,
and definitely doing things that are not seen by other people.
Which in a culture of accolades and a culture of
praise where we can deeply tie our worth as individuals
(04:35):
to what we produce and the results in our life
or what people say or think about us, or what
we have um or where we go and the impact
that we make. When we start measuring our worth externally,
then we're always hustling for it um. And that moment
(04:56):
with Beth on the phone set the framework for this
journey that God was inviting me into that no matter
what I do or what I have, or what other
people say or think, I'm worthy because I have an
essential place here on earth as it is in Heaven
and my family in this ministry, like I play an
(05:17):
essential role. No one else can play my part. You're here,
I'm here. No one else can play your part, no
one else can be you ever and you're here, yeah, exactly.
And but sometimes we, like you said, we lose that
in the hamster will. The comparison, the external validation, and
we don't even know what our worth is. We don't
even have an idea to figure it out where to start. YEA,
(05:40):
And even doing the things that you know that you're
called to do or that our life giving to you
can still be so misplaced when it becomes the source
of your identity. Yeah, And so there's so many women
who are doing such incredible things and stepping into calling
and gifting, and they're doing the thing things that they
want to do. They hit the goals that they want
(06:02):
to hit, they're getting the accolades, they're receiving the admiration
or whatever, and yet still they crawl into their beds
at night thinking does this even matter? Do I even matter?
I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing enough like the
worth and my identity is still on the line depending
on the results and I'm producing on in that given day.
But what would it look like to be able to
(06:24):
work with a purpose that's like impossible to lose? And
that's where I feel like I am crashing into that place.
That's why I feel like I'm drawing people into my life,
living into my life like you because we reconnected at
a random, really random coffee shop where were we. We
(06:45):
were in Columbia, Tennessee, where I live, and I at
that time did not have WiFi at my house. So
in my sweaty, gross workout clothes, I parked myself at
the little cafe where I ran into you. It's a
cute cafe. It's a cute cafe. Um dotted lime, dotted limet.
(07:10):
So we got our last little taste of it. So sad.
It's okay. They closed and they're starting new ventures. They
have some other things in Columbia that you can check out.
But um, yeah, it was. It was so random. I
remember looking at you and thinking, I know that girl
from somewhere therapy that I knew, and she's a safe
(07:31):
person to go like, you know corner and be like
I know you, yes, yes, yes. Because Michael, my husband,
is getting into like dirt bike riding, and we spent
all day at this dirt bike so hilarious, and it
was like we're like I can't be here for a
single moment longer, and it was like time ago get lunch,
and we asked people at the store where to go,
(07:52):
and I mean, we were there all day. It was fun,
but it was also just a day at the dirt
bikes shop and so randomly we went to the dotted line.
And this is why I know that, Like and I'm
trying to get to this place in my life in general,
like meeting you there, Like just then I discovered your Instagram,
which changed my life. You are gifted with the way
(08:12):
you express your course work from worth everything that is
in here. The way that you make it digestible and
explain it on Instagram resonates with me so much because
you are so real and funny and you use it.
You use reels in a way that like you're just
so playful, but like you hit on so many core issues,
(08:34):
but in a way that like I can be like,
oh my god, I totally get that, and it's like
funny and fun and like you have to kind of
like catch people in with the bait of something silly,
you know, and lighthearted, so that then you can take
them deeper to the place where their soul needs to
be met, and then you drop like soul bombs at
the end of it. And I'm like, I just go,
I just rever what you're going to get maybe a
(08:56):
little dance party, maybe a little you know, funny joke
or whatever. Or maybe a little you know, care for
the heart, care for the soul. I don't know. I
think it's just part of who I am. Is it
part of your like gift gifting that you know how
to like put this out there in a way that
I think it's gifting and paired with skill set, like
(09:18):
I've had to learn how to use social media over
the course of the last ten years as an entrepreneur online.
But then my gifting is um prophecy and wisdom and
leadership and knowledge. And so if I can take the
wisdom and knowledge that I'm gaining and communicate it, which
(09:38):
is one of my better skills communication um to be
able to attach these deeper topics of the soul to
a way that's palatable for someone that you're meeting on
a quick basis. Because this is the nature of God,
is that He's so kind to offer us eternal messages
(10:00):
through everyday moments like right now is springtime, and I
don't know if you feel this, but I feel this,
that these things all being made new just reminds you
of this deep rooted reality that we're actually existing in
that is not like we're out of winter. You know
that the trees are coming back to life, Like I
(10:20):
have this literal stick of like it's a stick because
all of the fiddly fig leaves just died and fell
off of my little plant that's in my sunroom. I
have a stick in a pot and my husband's like,
why are you keeping that? I'm like, I don't know,
might comeback alive. And sure enough, the other day I
came in front, I drove in and through the window
(10:44):
I caught it. I'm like, oh my gosh, my stick
has leaves on it. Look and it's got these little
like at the very top, Like how kind is God
to remind us that we might be a stick in
a pot for a season, but you never know. You remain,
you stay planted. There's this sticky note that I have
above my sink that says, stop trying to grow, just
(11:09):
remain because the reality is, oh God, yes, is that
if you just remain planted, you stay in an atmosphere
that will produce growth. The growth is going to happen
because of your obedience to romain. This is pretty powerful
right here. Say that again, the sticky note, it says,
stop trying to grow and just remain. So for example,
(11:34):
like try to pick up your pieces of paper that
you have on your on your thing. You're either going
to pick it up or you're not. You know, you
can't like a moon to try to do this. And
everybody says that I'm going to try to grow this season.
I'm going to try my best to prioritize wellness. I'm
gonna try my best to be a good mom. I'm
gonna try And I'm like, we need to stop saying that.
(11:55):
And you and you've said that on some of your reels,
like instead of like, oh you, it was a funny
one too with this one, like a list of all
these things you need to do, and then you're just like,
don't do them, because like, why do we put all
this pressure on ourselves to become right when the process
of growth isn't something that you can will. It's not
something that you produce. I couldn't will my little leaves
(12:17):
to pop out on the top of the stick. It's
something that God produces in and through us. But it's
our willingness to remain filter again that brings that growth. Yeah,
and before long, then you look back and you go, man,
remember when I was a stick in a pot? I
love that? Do you remember when I was a stick
in a pot, and look at my leaves, look at
the growth that that God created in my life because
(12:39):
I remained here. It's actually in the soil of seasons,
like where you are right now, where you're searching and
you're seeking out this wisdom that God is so faithful
to meet us in that place. It says in James
One that if any of you lacks wisdom, that you
can ask God, and that He is generous and he
(13:02):
offers wisdom without reproach, without a grudge to those who
ask in faith. That's like a promise that I hold
onto in every season because I'm a mom, I'm an entrepreneur.
There's so many different facets of my life where I
need wisdom. How does the wisdom show up? Because that's
one of the things that I feel inadequate wis I
(13:24):
don't feel smart, like I don't feel um, like I
have any skills, Like I don't feel like I could
ask for wisdom. But I'm like, God's not going to
just like transport of all this knowledge in my brain.
So all of a sudden, what does that mean? Because
like I feel, I feel like I don't have my
(13:46):
struggles and I can't wait to get into your Work
from Worth because like, and when you list it off
your core values and your strengths, it's because everyone Tori
knows these because she has a course about uncovering your
core values and strengths and how that plays into Work
from Worth. But like, what if you feel like you're
just not capable? Like how could I even ask for
(14:06):
God when I don't feel like I have the capability
to receive it? I think that hinges on a belief
that you have to be capable. I don't feel capable.
And that's an old story I've told myself a long time.
But even though I am capable and I look at
my life and I'm capable, but I still don't feel it.
So on the on the very tail end of the course,
we talked through a mindset model, and it is it
(14:29):
Okay if I like walking therapy, I would love to
walk through. I listen. I'm an open book. I will
share all myself. It's it's four bees, okay, behold, believe, behave,
and become. Behold, believe, behave, and become. So what you
(14:49):
just told me was I feel inadequate? What is that reflecting?
What are you beholding, because beholding means my attack mensine
is fixed on something on a standard. I mean the
classic examples like from pulling up my phone and I'm
beholding someone else who just I feel like, man, they've
(15:10):
got it all together. They like what does that mean?
So to behold something means that it's something that your
attention is fixated on and more than just like a
glance but almost like focus obsessive or is it bad
or good? It could be good or bad. It's where
the focus of your attention is. Because whatever you are beholding,
(15:33):
you create a belief system that reflects whatever you're beholding.
So that's like whatever you are most valuing. Yeah, so
right now you're asking this question, I don't feel capable,
which is actually the result of a belief that you're
believing about yourself, and you're believing about something that you're beholding,
(15:55):
whether you're beholding someone else and their capability or your
behold yourself or your inability. You're beholding God or an
expectation that you're assuming of him, or you're beholding a
standard or an expectation that you're setting for yourself. What
if you trace back that feeling of inability? What are
(16:17):
the thoughts and the beliefs that are shaping that feeling
of inability. It goes back to my childhood. I'm the
youngest of two. My sister is super great at everything, smart, capable.
I was just going and cry amazing. I've always had
out a pestle love love, like never felt like I
(16:39):
could compare so and that's her, She's just she just
was a type She's a perfectionist. She's a type one.
She's so good at executing, doing making it perfect. And
I think it started younger that maybe I felt like
I never will have that ability. So I never felt
(17:03):
good at school. I never felt good finishing like like
task like math or anything with school, Like I just
like I wanted to cheat my way through school. I
did not feel like I knew how to understand it.
I never felt like I knew how to do it.
And I always did feel creative, and I always wanted
to be performing of some sorts. So I wanted and
(17:26):
I wanted validation that I was worthy and good at something.
So I started trying to find it through performance. But
I never was the best singer, but I could sing
and I could get I would put myself out there
but I never felt like I was like the best
at it. I was like, Okay, maybe that's an avenue
where I could be validated. And so I got into
(17:48):
singing and performing and I never felt like comfortable in
my skin with it. But I also liked that idea
of like getting to be seen and and validated for something,
because I never felt like I had this is gonna
maybe maybe we'll get to some answer from this podcast,
from this maybe um. I just so then I kind
(18:09):
of just felt like I can't really do anything by myself.
Some I always I'm going to need help, Like I'm
not smart enough, I'm not capable enough to figure it out.
I don't have the brain capacity to like excel in
jobs or things that take like skill sets because I
don't have skills. So I better figure out a creative
way to be validated. And then I just feel like
(18:33):
I started skating from all sorts of stuff, Like I
moved to Nashville and I got into singing, and I
got into like a group and we had stealing sealing
angels in my band. We had like success, and that
transferred into like I then I kind of skated into
the amazing race because that happened after stealing Angels, and
then it kind of skated into hosting and then in
the podcasting, and it's all things I've loved. But I've
(18:55):
never had this like clear vision. I've always just sort
of like owd into things and then sort of felt
like other people had to help me get there. So
I don't feel like I'm capable of doing anything by
myself until this podcast, because I did this by myself
fully without because I was in a band, but I
had two other people in the band with me. I
(19:16):
was hosting, but I like had a crew and a team,
and like one of my band members also hosted with me.
Like I've always had support all around me, I've never
felt like I could do it by myself, and that
is why I don't feel capable. And I've had a
big disconnect from money and capability. I feel like I've
always made random money and enough to like do it well,
(19:37):
but like it's never I never have a plan, I
never have safety with it. I never feel like this
is my skill that I can offer and I'm contributing,
and I just feel like then I just feel like, oh,
I just want people to feel loved and seeing because
like I feel like I'm just trying to feel loved
and seeing, and so I just want I just want
you to feel loved and seen and know that you're
worth it. But I'm like, why am I worth it?
(20:00):
I think I'm just trying to get to that place,
and so I think that that is why I feel
like I'm not capable. And it's no one's fault of
my family. It's just how I have perceived my life.
And it's not my fault either. It's just I have
to take ownership of this now, and I don't know how.
And that's where I am. I don't know how to
take ownership. So when you were a child, could you
(20:25):
tell me one of the earliest moments when that feeling
of unworthiness creeped in? Do you remember where you were
or what you were doing. I've always kind of felt unworthy,
like my whole childhood. Like, is there a specific moment though, where,
because in all of our memories there's highlighted moments where
(20:47):
that feeling of unworthiness where the enemy comes in and
goes You're not worthy, was validated by something external. Whether
it was of course, like you're saying, I had a
good family and it wasn't my sister's fault. It was
something that was birthed in me. But it's also something
that is a specific and unique attack against you, and
you're gifting and your framework and who got crazy? Like
(21:10):
a moment, like a specific moment, not a general just
like a do you have a childhood memory where that
feeling of worthiness, whether it was small or insignificant quote
of a moment or big and profound, where that Okay,
this is stupid. I don't know if this is like
this is one of the moments. I've always felt like
(21:34):
with boys, like I was always boy crazy, but I
always felt like once someone like someone really wouldn't actually
want to pick me first, because I probably didn't want
to pick my sister, or like my best friend Caroline
was her name also because she was always like super
cute and cool and awesome and like confident and and
like she just felt like she had her value way
(21:56):
more line than I did with herself. And so I
always like wanted boys like certain voice like me, but
like they always liked my sister or like my best
friend or so one time, like in third grade, I
remember we went on a school trip and this guy
(22:18):
asked Caroline out. We're like in third grade, and she
said no, and so then he asked me out next,
and I just felt like that, that's so stupid. But
I always feel like I'm like kind of second choice. Yeah, yeah,
I think I always feel like I'm just kind of
like a good choice, but second choice. Yeah. And so
(22:40):
it's the whole life of wanting to be first choice.
I don't want to. I don't want to live on
the coattails of my sister. But then I don't feel
like I have any skills to back up being a
first choice. So then it's like, of course I would
be the second choice because I actually don't have what
it takes to be the first choice. So in this moment,
(23:02):
beholding your sister and her ability, and you know it
always is. I'm sure I gave her a world of trouble,
but it's still the only thing that we can own
and heal is our own story and perspective. So you're
looking at, not just looking to, but beholding your sister,
(23:25):
the way she looks, the way she acts, the way
she's created, the things that she can do that you
can't do. And then you start doing anything creating belief.
I can't do what she does. I'm not as worthy
as she is. I'd better figure out how to shine
in some way. So that changes the way that you
behave where you're working for your worth rather than from
(23:46):
it in your relationships with boys and teachers and parents,
because if your behavior is just right, if you can
just say the right thing, do the and I am
a huge people, please are tor like to a massive
So if I could just please my parents and my
(24:07):
teachers and my friends or this boy in front of me,
then I will be worthy of love and belonging and purpose.
But also but the scary part of that was that
is what I wanted. But then I had this mean
streak come out of me because I'm so scared for
someone to actually believe that about me, because then they're
going to get to know me and realize I have
(24:28):
nothing to offer. And that's the fourth bee of behold
or become. It's the fourth bee of becoming because what
began as you need to work hard to be able
to earn worth and love and belonging leads you in
(24:50):
cycles of perpetual striving and insecurity because it's always going
to be hinged on what someone else says. Or thinks
about you always, whether that manifests in your body. I
have constant anxiety in my stomach all the time, like
I feel like I'm going to manifest an illness, like
I've been working on it getting over this now because
(25:11):
I have constant not my stomach constantly, just like so
nervous all the time that someone that I have on
a pedestal, or really anyone, it's not gonna like it,
because if they don't like me, then I mean, I
think it's so layered. Everyone has to like me because
that is how I have worth. If I'm not liked,
that's the only thing it can offer as being nice
(25:32):
to someone and showing other people their value because I
have no value. So let me show you yours, then
you'll like me. Let me just speak to you really
fast that this is not unique to you, So glad.
I don't know, it feels like it is. But every
woman that I sit with has an element of this story,
(25:55):
and you right now are in the process in the journey.
Whether you're a stick in a pot with the little
leaves on the top, I think that's where I am okay,
because a little leaf, you're not a stick in a pot.
In my mind, I'm not in harvest season, but I
think I'm maybe starting to spend I'm seeing grow. The
fact that we're having this conversation is evidence of it.
(26:16):
You asked earlier, Okay, well, how does the wisdom come?
How do I receive it? You bump into it in
a cafe in Columbia, Tennessee. And that's what I was
trying to say, that, like you can't, God will take
you where you're supposed to go. Like you said, you
can't make yourself grow, like I didn't have any. I mean, I,
of course have loved you in therapy, and every time
(26:36):
you talk, I think you're so wise. But like feeling
is mutual, but we weren't like on each other's radars
outside of that place. So the fact that we cross
pass in a random cafe in Colombia, thing happens by chance.
And I think that that's what I'm really trying to
tell myself, is that be a stick in a pot
and let the growth name do what you are called
(26:57):
to do, live in your alignment, and you will faithful
He like in every moment of our day, we're being
led to the next moment where we're going to encounter
him if our eyes are open to it, and UM
to bring where you are and your story and the
cycles that come in and through the reality is is
(27:19):
that the reason why it keeps cycling this way is
because the cycle begins and ends with you being able
to control, being able to perform, being able to measure up,
being able to please. So in order to get out
of this cycle. And this is what the course, what
I touch on on the course, and this is a cycle.
(27:40):
Same for me, um. And where this began was you know,
early in two thousand and fifteen, but then I kind
of came to the realization of it in when it
was like a year where we had the biggest year
in my business and um, my husband was home and
that was good. It was a brick from road life.
(28:03):
You know. There's been faithfulness that I can see the
goodness of God chasing after me, but feeling like it's
all my shoulders, it's it's all gonna unravel. It's just
a moment of time, you know. And that feeling of
stress led me actually to not rest and trust and
faith in what God is able to do through me,
(28:23):
but in what I'm able to do for myself. And
so I signed up for, and this is fine. This
is a very neutral thing depending on your motivation. Okay,
but like I signed up for the seventy five day
hard challenge that everyone was doing in So it's like,
you do one workout indoors or outdoors, but you have
(28:44):
to do two workouts. One of them must to be
outside for forty five minutes a day to a day.
You have to perfectly keep a diet like for seventy
five days. Dude, it was okay, so um, ten pages
of a book every day, a gallon of water every day,
in a progress picture every day. Okay, but you already
have so much on your shoulders and you're feeling drowning.
(29:05):
So you're like, I'm going to add the hard challenge
to clear this up. Exactly perfect, because that's what I
would have. This is the cycle of striving that I've
lived in for my whole life. Is like, it's going
to make me feel better if I add more hardness.
I had more stuff on my plate. I'm opposite. I'm like,
I'm like, oh, I can't do it already, so I'll
just let you go ahead and do it for me.
Oh my gosh, you were opposite it's interesting, is like,
(29:26):
let me do more, yes, and mine is like, okay,
I'll do less if you don't, you know. And still though,
it's still that same cycle of insecurity and striving that
keeps leading the journey if we're not careful and so
what did you learn from? So I did this thing
and it wasn't all bad, but I remember, like it
(29:47):
feels all bad to me. It's it's terrible because I
had already too much on my plate. So sometimes my
outdoor workout would be outside at ten pm with my
lamp on my head due my human literally came out.
He's standing on the back porch and he's like, what
are you doing? We have forty acres in our backyard.
So I'm like out in the grass doing burpies with
(30:07):
my head lamp on at ten pm. You have to
do for both one time and you don't work. This
is not a human this is not a human reality.
Like I am having this, I am having an attack.
This is what my husband was doing on might be happy.
He's like, what are you doing? And I'm like yelling
out at him. This is one mentally tough people, though,
(30:31):
so get on my level. You need to level up
He's like he's eating his bowl of ice cream in
his comfy pants, like, come inside, let's turn on a movie.
I'm like, no, I be coming. I have too much
to prove. Maybe you should put your ice cream down
and joined me. It's funny because I take so much
(30:53):
pride in this of that, Like you know what I
do with my stress, I'm just turning into more hustle
and motivation. I gotta know your full story. But that's
another day. Okay, so that's another day. But this moment
of my story, my friend invited me to this thing
called Freedom Academy with my friend Carrie Garcia. She is
absolutely incredible, crawled into my into my body and unearthed
(31:17):
in me these cycles. I just can't get over the
fact you outside it lad doing burpies when you need
to be asleep. Literally, like I should be absolutely sleepy
right now, like i'd be getting my best rid um.
And on day sixty five of seventy five, God met
me and was like, you quit this right now. You
(31:37):
quit on sixty five, quit this right now, And I'm like,
I only got ten more days left, though, like I
could definitely keep doing this. Are you feeling results from
the sixty. Yeah, I looked freaking awesome. You know, I'm ripped.
I'm like this pandemic with a baby? Was your goal
to get ripped? What was the goal of the center,
(31:59):
Just to prove it's just of myself that you can
do hard things, hardest things. As if I have anything
that needs nobody is thinking. I wonder if Toy is
going to prove herself today, A better check on my
Instagram with days she on, no one actually cares at all.
I wonder if Toy is going to prove herselves That's
(32:19):
that's gonna make my business girl, It's going to make
my impact grow, as if I have rock solid abs
because everyone's thinking about it, and You're like, no one
is thinking about a Tory. No one is thinking about it.
And actually everybody in my life, my children, my husbands
are like, stop quit any moment, any moment you like
you're ruining our lives kind of like for real, but
(32:41):
we're counting down for the seventy five days also, but
for a totally different reason than you, Tori. And when
God wrecked me and I quit on day six, it
was that carry Garcia is freedom Academy. And I realized
that since eighth grade, and really even before that it
had I had always de halted to trying to treat
(33:03):
my body as a project in order to alleviate this
sense of unworthiness, trying to treat my body as a project,
so like, if you could get your body to look
a certain way, then you would feel worthy because you
did it, you did it well. It's like kind of
stemmed back to this day in eighth grade when I've
(33:23):
gotten detention because I was passing notes with my friend Ashley,
and we were sitting in detention with three other boys,
and they were the boys that I kind of had
crushes on. You know. It's always like those eighth grade
boys that kind of look like they're twenty one, but
they're not. They're in eighth grade and they're kind of bad.
They know how to be at so weird. Kids are weird,
(33:45):
and you're you're taught telling me a moment of trauma
in your life at third grade, you know, and this
it happens so early on where the enemy comes in
and invades our story and attacks our worth with something extrinsic.
And the boys looked at me and they go, let's
measure a tore on a scale from one to ten
and the and that's just like my crush, you know.
(34:08):
So I'm like sitting on the edge of my seat,
like what do you think, you know, like it's going
to be a tin of course. I mean I were
thinking that I was like maybe an eight, Like I
feel like I could probably cross as a But you're
feeling pretty good, so they wore me up and down.
Yeah I'm not. I'm It's funny because I don't know
if you remember the first moment in your life when
you're well, not just humiliated, but like when you are
(34:32):
aware of imperfection in your body, like I remember being
This is so silly, but I was at Taco Bell
my family and I lived on talk about after church
every Sunday, we would go to talk about number four.
Actually back in the day, they had this thing called
an incurrito with green sauce, and I do intrito, green
(34:53):
sauce and no onions. And then I'd eat like I
don't know, aside like nacho and you know, the ch up,
some the cheese, and then like my taco and I'm
like solid after church meal, like I'm stoked, you know,
And then I hope you'll had enough bathrooms for everyone
to get in line. Everybody know me and my family
have built a like serious tolerance. Like you know, I
(35:15):
think I think we all thrive on taco bellt I
thrive on jump food like I literally I thought. I
went to my job diver quickly. I went to my
acupunctures yesterday. He's amazing and we were talking about of
course I share with him all of my things and
he bring me into life stuff. But he was like,
there was this woman that came to him and she
ate two giant Harshey bars a day and that was it.
(35:36):
She's like, I'm getting my carbs, I'm getting my protein,
I'm getting my like my dairy. And she's like and
it's calories. And she was like, He's like, well, what
about your vitamin. She's like, I take a bite. She
was seventy five, and she was like, perfect shape, no
health issues. She's like, to take a bite of my
chocolate bar and I say, literally just made of Hershee chocolate.
She said, she said, this is my vitamin, be right here.
I eat it and my body loves it. And she
(35:58):
was in perfect health. That's so funny. So I it's
just a year old grandpa who literally smoked a pack
a day from the time that he was thirteen until
he was ninety three. When he forgot he smoked. He
forgot like one day he's like, I want a cigarette,
and my Grandma's like, don't you remember Olan you quit?
(36:18):
You quit years ago, and he's like, I did, and
then he just never smoked. She had to convince him
because he would smoke and he'd like fall asleep in
his chair and in the house. She's like, we need
to convince him somehow that she wasn't obviously he's lived
this long. You know. There is so much pressure though
(36:40):
it's on every single element. But like here I am
in this room with these eighth graders and they're look
at me up up and down, and they're like, you know,
you're kind of like a five and a half six,
but like you could maybe get to an eight. But
here's the things that would need to change. And they're like,
you need to start wearing makeup. May be dye your hair,
(37:01):
if you shaved your arms, if you plucked your eyebrows
this way, that yeah, there lose like maybe ten pounds,
if your boobs are just tad bit bigger. And I
mean my friend and I left that detention center, and
my friend Ashley, she doesn't her her framework of worth
in the way that she measures her worth is totally
(37:22):
different than me. So she leaves and she's like, screw
those guys, They're a bunch of jerks. And she was fine, Yeah,
she was like, they're losers. I literally care zero percent
what they think. But me, I left with a list
of things that I needed to work on. And this
is why coming back to these moments, moments are so
important because still me, as a thirty year old woman,
(37:45):
can come back to the list that's an imaginary list
that you are just looking about me right Like here,
I am defaulting to a seventy five day hard challenge
in my thirties, the same as I did in eighth grade,
trying to prove that I was worthy of love and
longing to these boys in eighth grade who one of
the one that rated me low and told me that
I could get better. I actually dated for four years.
(38:07):
How was it dating? It was terrible? I mean, did
he rate you the whole time? Yeah? And it was
always this comparison to other people. You date him four years,
so you just wanted you went back for more. I
did like I'm going to prove to you that I know,
until I realized I actually have nothing to prove to
this person. And I'm so grateful that because there's so
many women that continue going down that pathway and they
(38:29):
end up married to that person, or they end up,
you know, spending even longer, and not just frivolous high
school years, but years in their adult life where they
don't awaken to their sense of worth and intrinsic intrinsic
worthiness of love until much later, and they have to
(38:49):
unlearn so much more. Trauma Capital T trauma or lowercase
T trauma told me that in therapy, and I feel
like I have only I feel guilty because I feel
like I have only lower te trauma, and then I'm
not worthy of calling attention to myself because it's not
there's real trauma out there. There is, but that doesn't
(39:11):
diminish the hurt and the pain in our own story.
For a while, I used to think that way too,
But now I counted a joy that whether I'm sitting
with someone who like me, has this lowercase T trauma,
which we all do, where I can actually show them
that this hurt and pain in their story needs to
(39:32):
be tended to by a loving God, that there's so
many more out there worth and I think, sorry, I'm
having a little many breakthroughs that I'm worth tending to.
Even though I don't have as many things to tend
to as someone else that I see, I'm still worth
tending to. And when that story is fully healed, you
bring healing to the story of others. It's what you
(39:54):
do through the podcast, it's what you do in your work,
it's what you do as a person. It's what you
do when you carry yourself into a room. It's part
of your essential gifting. It's part of the framework of
who God has always called you to be. When a
story is redeemed, free people end up freeing other people.
Free people end up freeing other people, and the lower
(40:16):
case te trauma that is being healed in your life,
You're going to be a healing agent in the lives
of others. Where you might not be able to fully
understand capital t trauma in the life of another They
may need to go to someone else for that healing.
You're not going to be able to meet. You know,
we aren't called to meet the needs of any person.
We direct them to the source of all that they need.
(40:38):
But for you, you hold space. When you're fully healed,
then these moments with other people no longer start becoming
about you. They start becoming about the other person. You
lean in with this whimsy and this wonder of what
could God do in this person's story with a moment
of truth and love. What if this moment wasn't about
me measuring up or proving my worth, but just being
(40:59):
here with this other soul that needs tending, just like
you have tended to yourself, so you can actually water
that person's plant. Yeah, and even more than tending to myself,
it's God tending because if the cycle still remains about
me having enough or being sufficient for myself, I will
remain in that cycle forever. Okay, say that again. If
(41:22):
it just starts and ends with me where I'm cycling
based on me, tending, me, fixing, me, caring, me, paying attention,
this is what our culture right now is teaching. Is
it's me focused, me anchored. I will still live in
this perpetual cycle of insecurity and striving because I'm not
enough for myself. It's proven to me over and over
(41:44):
and over again. I need I need a purpose and
a love and a worthiness that is anchored in eternity,
that is separate from myself, that can come in and
redeem my story and set me free. And this is
what in the Bible. There's a book called Ephesian, and
in chapter two, verse ten, it says that we are
(42:04):
God's workmanship that were created in his image to do
good works, that he preordained before the beginning of time
for us to walk out. I sit with this and
I think, oh my goodness, that means that you me,
we are the creative results. We are the result of
(42:27):
God's purposed creativity that we embody the beauty and the
love and the image of our creator. And He created
you before the beginning of the foundation of the world,
preordained you to come at the time and the place
in the family, in this room with me. He's preordained
(42:51):
this so we can experience something so that we and
it says that we have been preordained to do good
work that God planned before the beginning of time for
us to walk out. Now that it's important to see
this at the end of the entire chapter, though, because
chapter the earlier verses are saying faith is a gift
(43:14):
from God, it's not something that you can earn. It's
not something that you can be worthy of in and
of it yourself. It is a gift of grace that
you cannot boast about. That you can't say I did
this thing for myself, that you can't anchor in on
your own self sufficiency. But it's something that has been done,
(43:35):
not just a little bit, but done and finished and
completed by God himself to set us free to live
this life as a workmanship. This changes everything. When I
go back into my eighth grade room with the boys
and I think about the reality that I am a
workmanship created in the image of God to do good
(43:57):
works before the beginning of time for God walk out
for me. Those boys hold no authority in that room.
They hold no authority. I'm set free and purposed, not
just now, but for eternity. And that word can't be
touched by eight grade boys. Um. And when I look
back through the rest of the cycle of my story,
(44:17):
when I win, truth and love enters the room, and
it shifts what I'm beholding where now I'm not beholding
myself and my stature and my body and my inability
and my list that's been created for me from cultural
standards and other people, my own expectations or whatever. And
I shift off that list, and I looked to God
(44:39):
who had Hebrews says, fix your eyes on Jesus, the
Author and the perfect of your faith. Because for the
joy that was set before him, he endured the cross.
He endured shame, He endured the sacrifice that was necessary
to set as free. He endured for the joy set
before him of our freedom, of his glory manifest him
(44:59):
our of freedom. So he had joy going through that
pain because he knew the freedom it would give others. Yeah,
the free He came to redeem the creation that bears
his image with himself. And the way he did it
(45:21):
was forstaking the lists, the lists that if he had
tried to measure up or people please or fall into
the same patterns that we all do. Um. I mean
that list is what put him on the cross. All
the Jewish people had expectations for what the Messiah was
going to be, all the you know, all the culture
(45:43):
of that time, all the people at that time. We're
expecting the Savior of the world to look like this.
He came in with humility and broke the chains of
shame and selfishness and pride, and remained humble and submitted
as father the whole time, so he could off for
himself as a sacrifice to allow us the freedom to
be able to live the same way. And this is
(46:05):
a reality for us, a purpose for us that has
anchored in eternity, but it's also lived out now. It's
lived out in our moments until we arrive there. It's
the it's the central framework of the message of Jesus
when he says, when the disciple will say, teach us
how to pray, and he goes, Okay, our father, who
weren't in heaven, how would be my name? Usually most
(46:26):
of us know this. If we've been in church for
a hot minute, Your kingdom come, you will be down
on earth as it doesn't heaven. Give us today our
daily bread. Forgive us our trespasses. We forgive those a
trespass against us. Lead us not to temptation, Deliver us
from evil, for that is the kingdom and the power
on the authority forever Amen. In English, we placed the
authority at the very end, like our conclusion statement, you know,
(46:47):
like a got my thesis, got my conclusion boom, Like
English one o one, you know. But in Hebrew the
emphasis is in the middle, and so you lead up
to the emphasis and the newly on from the emphasis,
and right at the very middle of that prayer is
your Kingdom Come, Your will be done on earth as
it is in heaven. So and in this actually, in
(47:10):
this entire framework of a prayer, we're seeing God's sufficiency
and us beholding God, your Kingdom come or will be
done on earth as it is in heaven. And then
the second half is provide for me physically, help me,
forgive my friends who wronged me, don't lead me into temptation,
deliver me from this evil that I've been bouncing my
(47:31):
whole life. This is what it looks like to glorify you.
This central message of Your Kingdom come or will be
done on earth as it is in heaven. This is
what we're tasting right now in this room. So we're
tasting on these chairs. It's what we're tasting here in
this moment. Is this just this glimpse of what eternal
(47:52):
freedom would look like lived in my life right now,
free from the expectation of others, free from the shame
of my past, free from the need to be praised,
free from myself and all of this, these cycles that
I find myself so perpetually locked in to be set
free by a love and a worth and a purpose
(48:14):
that cannot be changed by anything circumstantially on this earth,
Your kingdom come or will be done. And that's it
seems so silly that this massive, big, you know, like
thing that I'm talking about or whatever could manifest itself
in a decision to be go, I'm quitting on day.
(48:35):
Glad you brought it back to that. But it does
have to actually, it has to manifest in these moments.
These are the moments where humility and my realignment with
the truth of who God says I am and who
I am has to like take root. Because it's one
thing for me to just spout out a bunch of
like words here on a podcast, and it's another thing
(48:57):
for me to ask forgiveness when I've wronged someone or
when God comes and you know, convicts me of something
that I'm doing that is motivated by this need for
worthiness from someone else, to recognize that and immediately respond
with no more, you know, the simple choices of choosing
(49:19):
to turn my phone off at nine pm so that
I can get a good night's sleep rather than put
my head lamp on and do burpies in the back yard.
And you know, like it's this, you know, I'm actually
going to lay down the belief that it all rests
on my shoulders for the truth that I'm your workmanship
and You've preordained the good works for me to do
(49:42):
all my life. So I can go to bed, and
I can go to bed in peace because you're leading
me forward. I'm choosing to remain. I've got these little
got these little you know, leaves popping up at the
top of my stick, and I'm going to believe that
you can continue to grow this beautiful thing in me
if I remain here. But the moment that I stopped watering,
(50:02):
the moment that I put myself back into atmospheres where
it's just going to like bring death, is when that
spiritual reality can't take rootinous because we're hinging back on
our own ability again. So that's what this is.
Carola. She's a queen and she's getting not afraid of thing,
so just let it flu. No one can do with Carols. Carol,
I'm here, Tory. Hind it's like Hinds without the Z. Yeah,
(00:31):
it's like a catch up. Just x to ze at hand.
It's hind Heine, not full full German kind China, although
I'm not German by marriage. I guess is this the German?
Is this your married name? Yeah, it's better than what
I was born with, which was swearing gin. Wow. I
(00:53):
know swear Ein is a very Dutch name. Swear Engin.
Do you speak Dutch? But I do speak a little
Spanish because my mom is Mexican. So I just I'm
a little bit of everything. You know. I love it.
You can't pin me down, and I won't thank you.
I will not. I don't think you will. I felt
(01:14):
teary right when Tory walked in the room. I want
to I want to cry because she has this incredible
course called work from Worthy. I am Tory and I
know each other from a lot really just from like
the music industry, and you're great at sharing your soul
and we've run into each other through lots of different
circles in that way. But I um, okay, I positive
(01:41):
for a second everyone, But I'm unpausing it because I
was just going to check with Tory to make sure
we can mention the therapy group that we share. I'm
unashamed to say that I need therapy and I need
a lot of help, lots of it. So we we
met the Reporter's Call, which is an incredible therapy supporters call.
I mean Beth, our favorite women on the planet. Beth
(02:02):
runs it. It's a group that offers free therapy to
artists and their spouses. What a gift. Yeah, for real,
the first time I ever got on the phone with Beth,
it probably feels a little bit like that same feeling
where you just want to cry the moment that that
person comes into the room. I just needed someone to
(02:23):
be on the phone and rehash to me how hard
the things that I was walking out were, traveling Musician. Yeah,
just a validation of Hey, you have a lot on
your plate and this is really hard, and I just
like broke down, stop crying on the phone. It was
like early two thift Because why do you think that
(02:45):
validation meant so much to you? It meant a lot
because we I wasn't receiving it, but I was desiring it, which, honestly,
this is kind of like the foundation of the work
from Worth story. That's so it all ties together because
I think so many of us want that um validation
and the approval or the accolades of the things that
(03:07):
we're doing matter, and it's easy to have that extrinsic
motivation or encouragement be the motivator behind it if we're
not careful. So say that again. Okay, so let me
back up. The reason why this was so important to
me getting on the phone with Beth was because it
(03:28):
was a season of life where I was facing a
lot of deep rooted rejection and loneliness. My husband was
on the road, but I was homeworking five part time
jobs so that he could be on the road. So
you were scrambling, Yeah, three year old um working from
five am until midnight and without any thank you. We
(03:48):
see you, we honor you, we love you. Because you
just had to do it. I just and I felt
called to do it. But still still all the while
quest Janine, is what I'm doing mattering? Does it matter
to people that the people that I love doesn't matter?
To God, does my life matter? It feels like I'm
(04:11):
just on the hamster wheel of working, but I'm always
doing something and yet never feeling like I'm ever doing enough,
and definitely doing things that are not seen by other people.
Which in a culture of accolades and a culture of
praise where we can deeply tie our worth as individuals
(04:35):
to what we produce and the results in our life
or what people say or think about us, or what
we have um or where we go and the impact
that we make. When we start measuring our worth externally,
then we're always hustling for it um. And that moment
(04:56):
with Beth on the phone set the framework for this
journey that God was inviting me into that no matter
what I do or what I have, or what other
people say or think, I'm worthy because I have an
essential place here on earth as it is in Heaven
and my family in this ministry, like I play an
(05:17):
essential role. No one else can play my part. You're here,
I'm here. No one else can play your part, no
one else can be you ever and you're here, yeah, exactly.
And but sometimes we, like you said, we lose that
in the hamster will. The comparison, the external validation, and
we don't even know what our worth is. We don't
even have an idea to figure it out where to start. YEA,
(05:40):
And even doing the things that you know that you're
called to do or that our life giving to you
can still be so misplaced when it becomes the source
of your identity. Yeah, And so there's so many women
who are doing such incredible things and stepping into calling
and gifting, and they're doing the thing things that they
want to do. They hit the goals that they want
(06:02):
to hit, they're getting the accolades, they're receiving the admiration
or whatever, and yet still they crawl into their beds
at night thinking does this even matter? Do I even matter?
I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing enough like the
worth and my identity is still on the line depending
on the results and I'm producing on in that given day.
But what would it look like to be able to
(06:24):
work with a purpose that's like impossible to lose? And
that's where I feel like I am crashing into that place.
That's why I feel like I'm drawing people into my life,
living into my life like you because we reconnected at
a random, really random coffee shop where were we. We
(06:45):
were in Columbia, Tennessee, where I live, and I at
that time did not have WiFi at my house. So
in my sweaty, gross workout clothes, I parked myself at
the little cafe where I ran into you. It's a
cute cafe. It's a cute cafe. Um dotted lime, dotted limet.
(07:10):
So we got our last little taste of it. So sad.
It's okay. They closed and they're starting new ventures. They
have some other things in Columbia that you can check out.
But um, yeah, it was. It was so random. I
remember looking at you and thinking, I know that girl
from somewhere therapy that I knew, and she's a safe
(07:31):
person to go like, you know corner and be like
I know you, yes, yes, yes. Because Michael, my husband,
is getting into like dirt bike riding, and we spent
all day at this dirt bike so hilarious, and it
was like we're like I can't be here for a
single moment longer, and it was like time ago get lunch,
and we asked people at the store where to go,
(07:52):
and I mean, we were there all day. It was fun,
but it was also just a day at the dirt
bikes shop and so randomly we went to the dotted line.
And this is why I know that, Like and I'm
trying to get to this place in my life in general,
like meeting you there, Like just then I discovered your Instagram,
which changed my life. You are gifted with the way
(08:12):
you express your course work from worth everything that is
in here. The way that you make it digestible and
explain it on Instagram resonates with me so much because
you are so real and funny and you use it.
You use reels in a way that like you're just
so playful, but like you hit on so many core issues,
(08:34):
but in a way that like I can be like,
oh my god, I totally get that, and it's like
funny and fun and like you have to kind of
like catch people in with the bait of something silly,
you know, and lighthearted, so that then you can take
them deeper to the place where their soul needs to
be met, and then you drop like soul bombs at
the end of it. And I'm like, I just go,
I just rever what you're going to get maybe a
(08:56):
little dance party, maybe a little you know, funny joke
or whatever. Or maybe a little you know, care for
the heart, care for the soul. I don't know. I
think it's just part of who I am. Is it
part of your like gift gifting that you know how
to like put this out there in a way that
I think it's gifting and paired with skill set, like
(09:18):
I've had to learn how to use social media over
the course of the last ten years as an entrepreneur online.
But then my gifting is um prophecy and wisdom and
leadership and knowledge. And so if I can take the
wisdom and knowledge that I'm gaining and communicate it, which
(09:38):
is one of my better skills communication um to be
able to attach these deeper topics of the soul to
a way that's palatable for someone that you're meeting on
a quick basis. Because this is the nature of God,
is that He's so kind to offer us eternal messages
(10:00):
through everyday moments like right now is springtime, and I
don't know if you feel this, but I feel this,
that these things all being made new just reminds you
of this deep rooted reality that we're actually existing in
that is not like we're out of winter. You know
that the trees are coming back to life, Like I
(10:20):
have this literal stick of like it's a stick because
all of the fiddly fig leaves just died and fell
off of my little plant that's in my sunroom. I
have a stick in a pot and my husband's like,
why are you keeping that? I'm like, I don't know,
might comeback alive. And sure enough, the other day I
came in front, I drove in and through the window
(10:44):
I caught it. I'm like, oh my gosh, my stick
has leaves on it. Look and it's got these little
like at the very top, Like how kind is God
to remind us that we might be a stick in
a pot for a season, but you never know. You remain,
you stay planted. There's this sticky note that I have
above my sink that says, stop trying to grow, just
(11:09):
remain because the reality is, oh God, yes, is that
if you just remain planted, you stay in an atmosphere
that will produce growth. The growth is going to happen
because of your obedience to romain. This is pretty powerful
right here. Say that again, the sticky note, it says,
stop trying to grow and just remain. So for example,
(11:34):
like try to pick up your pieces of paper that
you have on your on your thing. You're either going
to pick it up or you're not. You know, you
can't like a moon to try to do this. And
everybody says that I'm going to try to grow this season.
I'm going to try my best to prioritize wellness. I'm
gonna try my best to be a good mom. I'm
gonna try And I'm like, we need to stop saying that.
(11:55):
And you and you've said that on some of your reels,
like instead of like, oh you, it was a funny
one too with this one, like a list of all
these things you need to do, and then you're just like,
don't do them, because like, why do we put all
this pressure on ourselves to become right when the process
of growth isn't something that you can will. It's not
something that you produce. I couldn't will my little leaves
(12:17):
to pop out on the top of the stick. It's
something that God produces in and through us. But it's
our willingness to remain filter again that brings that growth. Yeah,
and before long, then you look back and you go, man,
remember when I was a stick in a pot? I
love that? Do you remember when I was a stick
in a pot, and look at my leaves, look at
the growth that that God created in my life because
(12:39):
I remained here. It's actually in the soil of seasons,
like where you are right now, where you're searching and
you're seeking out this wisdom that God is so faithful
to meet us in that place. It says in James
One that if any of you lacks wisdom, that you
can ask God, and that He is generous and he
(13:02):
offers wisdom without reproach, without a grudge to those who
ask in faith. That's like a promise that I hold
onto in every season because I'm a mom, I'm an entrepreneur.
There's so many different facets of my life where I
need wisdom. How does the wisdom show up? Because that's
one of the things that I feel inadequate wis I
(13:24):
don't feel smart, like I don't feel um, like I
have any skills, Like I don't feel like I could
ask for wisdom. But I'm like, God's not going to
just like transport of all this knowledge in my brain.
So all of a sudden, what does that mean? Because
like I feel, I feel like I don't have my
(13:46):
struggles and I can't wait to get into your Work
from Worth because like, and when you list it off
your core values and your strengths, it's because everyone Tori
knows these because she has a course about uncovering your
core values and strengths and how that plays into Work
from Worth. But like, what if you feel like you're
just not capable? Like how could I even ask for
(14:06):
God when I don't feel like I have the capability
to receive it? I think that hinges on a belief
that you have to be capable. I don't feel capable.
And that's an old story I've told myself a long time.
But even though I am capable and I look at
my life and I'm capable, but I still don't feel it.
So on the on the very tail end of the course,
we talked through a mindset model, and it is it
(14:29):
Okay if I like walking therapy, I would love to
walk through. I listen. I'm an open book. I will
share all myself. It's it's four bees, okay, behold, believe, behave,
and become. Behold, believe, behave, and become. So what you
(14:49):
just told me was I feel inadequate? What is that reflecting?
What are you beholding, because beholding means my attack mensine
is fixed on something on a standard. I mean the
classic examples like from pulling up my phone and I'm
beholding someone else who just I feel like, man, they've
(15:10):
got it all together. They like what does that mean?
So to behold something means that it's something that your
attention is fixated on and more than just like a
glance but almost like focus obsessive or is it bad
or good? It could be good or bad. It's where
the focus of your attention is. Because whatever you are beholding,
(15:33):
you create a belief system that reflects whatever you're beholding.
So that's like whatever you are most valuing. Yeah, so
right now you're asking this question, I don't feel capable,
which is actually the result of a belief that you're
believing about yourself, and you're believing about something that you're beholding,
(15:55):
whether you're beholding someone else and their capability or your
behold yourself or your inability. You're beholding God or an
expectation that you're assuming of him, or you're beholding a
standard or an expectation that you're setting for yourself. What
if you trace back that feeling of inability? What are
(16:17):
the thoughts and the beliefs that are shaping that feeling
of inability. It goes back to my childhood. I'm the
youngest of two. My sister is super great at everything, smart, capable.
I was just going and cry amazing. I've always had
out a pestle love love, like never felt like I
(16:39):
could compare so and that's her, She's just she just
was a type She's a perfectionist. She's a type one.
She's so good at executing, doing making it perfect. And
I think it started younger that maybe I felt like
I never will have that ability. So I never felt
(17:03):
good at school. I never felt good finishing like like
task like math or anything with school, Like I just
like I wanted to cheat my way through school. I
did not feel like I knew how to understand it.
I never felt like I knew how to do it.
And I always did feel creative, and I always wanted
to be performing of some sorts. So I wanted and
(17:26):
I wanted validation that I was worthy and good at something.
So I started trying to find it through performance. But
I never was the best singer, but I could sing
and I could get I would put myself out there
but I never felt like I was like the best
at it. I was like, Okay, maybe that's an avenue
where I could be validated. And so I got into
(17:48):
singing and performing and I never felt like comfortable in
my skin with it. But I also liked that idea
of like getting to be seen and and validated for something,
because I never felt like I had this is gonna
maybe maybe we'll get to some answer from this podcast,
from this maybe um. I just so then I kind
(18:09):
of just felt like I can't really do anything by myself.
Some I always I'm going to need help, Like I'm
not smart enough, I'm not capable enough to figure it out.
I don't have the brain capacity to like excel in
jobs or things that take like skill sets because I
don't have skills. So I better figure out a creative
way to be validated. And then I just feel like
(18:33):
I started skating from all sorts of stuff, Like I
moved to Nashville and I got into singing, and I
got into like a group and we had stealing sealing
angels in my band. We had like success, and that
transferred into like I then I kind of skated into
the amazing race because that happened after stealing Angels, and
then it kind of skated into hosting and then in
the podcasting, and it's all things I've loved. But I've
(18:55):
never had this like clear vision. I've always just sort
of like owd into things and then sort of felt
like other people had to help me get there. So
I don't feel like I'm capable of doing anything by
myself until this podcast, because I did this by myself
fully without because I was in a band, but I
had two other people in the band with me. I
(19:16):
was hosting, but I like had a crew and a team,
and like one of my band members also hosted with me.
Like I've always had support all around me, I've never
felt like I could do it by myself, and that
is why I don't feel capable. And I've had a
big disconnect from money and capability. I feel like I've
always made random money and enough to like do it well,
(19:37):
but like it's never I never have a plan, I
never have safety with it. I never feel like this
is my skill that I can offer and I'm contributing,
and I just feel like then I just feel like, oh,
I just want people to feel loved and seeing because
like I feel like I'm just trying to feel loved
and seeing, and so I just want I just want
you to feel loved and seen and know that you're
worth it. But I'm like, why am I worth it?
(20:00):
I think I'm just trying to get to that place,
and so I think that that is why I feel
like I'm not capable. And it's no one's fault of
my family. It's just how I have perceived my life.
And it's not my fault either. It's just I have
to take ownership of this now, and I don't know how.
And that's where I am. I don't know how to
take ownership. So when you were a child, could you
(20:25):
tell me one of the earliest moments when that feeling
of unworthiness creeped in? Do you remember where you were
or what you were doing. I've always kind of felt unworthy,
like my whole childhood. Like, is there a specific moment though, where,
because in all of our memories there's highlighted moments where
(20:47):
that feeling of unworthiness where the enemy comes in and
goes You're not worthy, was validated by something external. Whether
it was of course, like you're saying, I had a
good family and it wasn't my sister's fault. It was
something that was birthed in me. But it's also something
that is a specific and unique attack against you, and
you're gifting and your framework and who got crazy? Like
(21:10):
a moment, like a specific moment, not a general just
like a do you have a childhood memory where that
feeling of worthiness, whether it was small or insignificant quote
of a moment or big and profound, where that Okay,
this is stupid. I don't know if this is like
this is one of the moments. I've always felt like
(21:34):
with boys, like I was always boy crazy, but I
always felt like once someone like someone really wouldn't actually
want to pick me first, because I probably didn't want
to pick my sister, or like my best friend Caroline
was her name also because she was always like super
cute and cool and awesome and like confident and and
like she just felt like she had her value way
(21:56):
more line than I did with herself. And so I
always like wanted boys like certain voice like me, but
like they always liked my sister or like my best
friend or so one time, like in third grade, I
remember we went on a school trip and this guy
(22:18):
asked Caroline out. We're like in third grade, and she
said no, and so then he asked me out next,
and I just felt like that, that's so stupid. But
I always feel like I'm like kind of second choice. Yeah, yeah,
I think I always feel like I'm just kind of
like a good choice, but second choice. Yeah. And so
(22:40):
it's the whole life of wanting to be first choice.
I don't want to. I don't want to live on
the coattails of my sister. But then I don't feel
like I have any skills to back up being a
first choice. So then it's like, of course I would
be the second choice because I actually don't have what
it takes to be the first choice. So in this moment,
(23:02):
beholding your sister and her ability, and you know it
always is. I'm sure I gave her a world of trouble,
but it's still the only thing that we can own
and heal is our own story and perspective. So you're
looking at, not just looking to, but beholding your sister,
(23:25):
the way she looks, the way she acts, the way
she's created, the things that she can do that you
can't do. And then you start doing anything creating belief.
I can't do what she does. I'm not as worthy
as she is. I'd better figure out how to shine
in some way. So that changes the way that you
behave where you're working for your worth rather than from
(23:46):
it in your relationships with boys and teachers and parents,
because if your behavior is just right, if you can
just say the right thing, do the and I am
a huge people, please are tor like to a massive
So if I could just please my parents and my
(24:07):
teachers and my friends or this boy in front of me,
then I will be worthy of love and belonging and purpose.
But also but the scary part of that was that
is what I wanted. But then I had this mean
streak come out of me because I'm so scared for
someone to actually believe that about me, because then they're
going to get to know me and realize I have
(24:28):
nothing to offer. And that's the fourth bee of behold
or become. It's the fourth bee of becoming because what
began as you need to work hard to be able
to earn worth and love and belonging leads you in
(24:50):
cycles of perpetual striving and insecurity because it's always going
to be hinged on what someone else says. Or thinks
about you always, whether that manifests in your body. I
have constant anxiety in my stomach all the time, like
I feel like I'm going to manifest an illness, like
I've been working on it getting over this now because
(25:11):
I have constant not my stomach constantly, just like so
nervous all the time that someone that I have on
a pedestal, or really anyone, it's not gonna like it,
because if they don't like me, then I mean, I
think it's so layered. Everyone has to like me because
that is how I have worth. If I'm not liked,
that's the only thing it can offer as being nice
(25:32):
to someone and showing other people their value because I
have no value. So let me show you yours, then
you'll like me. Let me just speak to you really
fast that this is not unique to you, So glad.
I don't know, it feels like it is. But every
woman that I sit with has an element of this story,
(25:55):
and you right now are in the process in the journey.
Whether you're a stick in a pot with the little
leaves on the top, I think that's where I am okay,
because a little leaf, you're not a stick in a pot.
In my mind, I'm not in harvest season, but I
think I'm maybe starting to spend I'm seeing grow. The
fact that we're having this conversation is evidence of it.
(26:16):
You asked earlier, Okay, well, how does the wisdom come?
How do I receive it? You bump into it in
a cafe in Columbia, Tennessee. And that's what I was
trying to say, that, like you can't, God will take
you where you're supposed to go. Like you said, you
can't make yourself grow, like I didn't have any. I mean, I,
of course have loved you in therapy, and every time
(26:36):
you talk, I think you're so wise. But like feeling
is mutual, but we weren't like on each other's radars
outside of that place. So the fact that we cross
pass in a random cafe in Colombia, thing happens by chance.
And I think that that's what I'm really trying to
tell myself, is that be a stick in a pot
and let the growth name do what you are called
(26:57):
to do, live in your alignment, and you will faithful
He like in every moment of our day, we're being
led to the next moment where we're going to encounter
him if our eyes are open to it, and UM
to bring where you are and your story and the
cycles that come in and through the reality is is
(27:19):
that the reason why it keeps cycling this way is
because the cycle begins and ends with you being able
to control, being able to perform, being able to measure up,
being able to please. So in order to get out
of this cycle. And this is what the course, what
I touch on on the course, and this is a cycle.
(27:40):
Same for me, um. And where this began was you know,
early in two thousand and fifteen, but then I kind
of came to the realization of it in when it
was like a year where we had the biggest year
in my business and um, my husband was home and
that was good. It was a brick from road life.
(28:03):
You know. There's been faithfulness that I can see the
goodness of God chasing after me, but feeling like it's
all my shoulders, it's it's all gonna unravel. It's just
a moment of time, you know. And that feeling of
stress led me actually to not rest and trust and
faith in what God is able to do through me,
(28:23):
but in what I'm able to do for myself. And
so I signed up for, and this is fine. This
is a very neutral thing depending on your motivation. Okay,
but like I signed up for the seventy five day
hard challenge that everyone was doing in So it's like,
you do one workout indoors or outdoors, but you have
(28:44):
to do two workouts. One of them must to be
outside for forty five minutes a day to a day.
You have to perfectly keep a diet like for seventy
five days. Dude, it was okay, so um, ten pages
of a book every day, a gallon of water every day,
in a progress picture every day. Okay, but you already
have so much on your shoulders and you're feeling drowning.
(29:05):
So you're like, I'm going to add the hard challenge
to clear this up. Exactly perfect, because that's what I
would have. This is the cycle of striving that I've
lived in for my whole life. Is like, it's going
to make me feel better if I add more hardness.
I had more stuff on my plate. I'm opposite. I'm like,
I'm like, oh, I can't do it already, so I'll
just let you go ahead and do it for me.
Oh my gosh, you were opposite it's interesting, is like,
(29:26):
let me do more, yes, and mine is like, okay,
I'll do less if you don't, you know. And still though,
it's still that same cycle of insecurity and striving that
keeps leading the journey if we're not careful and so
what did you learn from? So I did this thing
and it wasn't all bad, but I remember, like it
(29:47):
feels all bad to me. It's it's terrible because I
had already too much on my plate. So sometimes my
outdoor workout would be outside at ten pm with my
lamp on my head due my human literally came out.
He's standing on the back porch and he's like, what
are you doing? We have forty acres in our backyard.
So I'm like out in the grass doing burpies with
(30:07):
my head lamp on at ten pm. You have to
do for both one time and you don't work. This
is not a human this is not a human reality.
Like I am having this, I am having an attack.
This is what my husband was doing on might be happy.
He's like, what are you doing? And I'm like yelling
out at him. This is one mentally tough people, though,
(30:31):
so get on my level. You need to level up
He's like he's eating his bowl of ice cream in
his comfy pants, like, come inside, let's turn on a movie.
I'm like, no, I be coming. I have too much
to prove. Maybe you should put your ice cream down
and joined me. It's funny because I take so much
(30:53):
pride in this of that, Like you know what I
do with my stress, I'm just turning into more hustle
and motivation. I gotta know your full story. But that's
another day. Okay, so that's another day. But this moment
of my story, my friend invited me to this thing
called Freedom Academy with my friend Carrie Garcia. She is
absolutely incredible, crawled into my into my body and unearthed
(31:17):
in me these cycles. I just can't get over the
fact you outside it lad doing burpies when you need
to be asleep. Literally, like I should be absolutely sleepy
right now, like i'd be getting my best rid um.
And on day sixty five of seventy five, God met
me and was like, you quit this right now. You
(31:37):
quit on sixty five, quit this right now, And I'm like,
I only got ten more days left, though, like I
could definitely keep doing this. Are you feeling results from
the sixty. Yeah, I looked freaking awesome. You know, I'm ripped.
I'm like this pandemic with a baby? Was your goal
to get ripped? What was the goal of the center,
(31:59):
Just to prove it's just of myself that you can
do hard things, hardest things. As if I have anything
that needs nobody is thinking. I wonder if Toy is
going to prove herself today, A better check on my
Instagram with days she on, no one actually cares at all.
I wonder if Toy is going to prove herselves That's
(32:19):
that's gonna make my business girl, It's going to make
my impact grow, as if I have rock solid abs
because everyone's thinking about it, and You're like, no one
is thinking about a Tory. No one is thinking about it.
And actually everybody in my life, my children, my husbands
are like, stop quit any moment, any moment you like
you're ruining our lives kind of like for real, but
(32:41):
we're counting down for the seventy five days also, but
for a totally different reason than you, Tori. And when
God wrecked me and I quit on day six, it
was that carry Garcia is freedom Academy. And I realized
that since eighth grade, and really even before that it
had I had always de halted to trying to treat
(33:03):
my body as a project in order to alleviate this
sense of unworthiness, trying to treat my body as a project,
so like, if you could get your body to look
a certain way, then you would feel worthy because you
did it, you did it well. It's like kind of
stemmed back to this day in eighth grade when I've
(33:23):
gotten detention because I was passing notes with my friend Ashley,
and we were sitting in detention with three other boys,
and they were the boys that I kind of had
crushes on. You know. It's always like those eighth grade
boys that kind of look like they're twenty one, but
they're not. They're in eighth grade and they're kind of bad.
They know how to be at so weird. Kids are weird,
(33:45):
and you're you're taught telling me a moment of trauma
in your life at third grade, you know, and this
it happens so early on where the enemy comes in
and invades our story and attacks our worth with something extrinsic.
And the boys looked at me and they go, let's
measure a tore on a scale from one to ten
and the and that's just like my crush, you know.
(34:08):
So I'm like sitting on the edge of my seat,
like what do you think, you know, like it's going
to be a tin of course. I mean I were
thinking that I was like maybe an eight, Like I
feel like I could probably cross as a But you're
feeling pretty good, so they wore me up and down.
Yeah I'm not. I'm It's funny because I don't know
if you remember the first moment in your life when
you're well, not just humiliated, but like when you are
(34:32):
aware of imperfection in your body, like I remember being
This is so silly, but I was at Taco Bell
my family and I lived on talk about after church
every Sunday, we would go to talk about number four.
Actually back in the day, they had this thing called
an incurrito with green sauce, and I do intrito, green
(34:53):
sauce and no onions. And then I'd eat like I
don't know, aside like nacho and you know, the ch up,
some the cheese, and then like my taco and I'm
like solid after church meal, like I'm stoked, you know,
And then I hope you'll had enough bathrooms for everyone
to get in line. Everybody know me and my family
have built a like serious tolerance. Like you know, I
(35:15):
think I think we all thrive on taco bellt I
thrive on jump food like I literally I thought. I
went to my job diver quickly. I went to my
acupunctures yesterday. He's amazing and we were talking about of
course I share with him all of my things and
he bring me into life stuff. But he was like,
there was this woman that came to him and she
ate two giant Harshey bars a day and that was it.
(35:36):
She's like, I'm getting my carbs, I'm getting my protein,
I'm getting my like my dairy. And she's like and
it's calories. And she was like, He's like, well, what
about your vitamin. She's like, I take a bite. She
was seventy five, and she was like, perfect shape, no
health issues. She's like, to take a bite of my
chocolate bar and I say, literally just made of Hershee chocolate.
She said, she said, this is my vitamin, be right here.
I eat it and my body loves it. And she
(35:58):
was in perfect health. That's so funny. So I it's
just a year old grandpa who literally smoked a pack
a day from the time that he was thirteen until
he was ninety three. When he forgot he smoked. He
forgot like one day he's like, I want a cigarette,
and my Grandma's like, don't you remember Olan you quit?
(36:18):
You quit years ago, and he's like, I did, and
then he just never smoked. She had to convince him
because he would smoke and he'd like fall asleep in
his chair and in the house. She's like, we need
to convince him somehow that she wasn't obviously he's lived
this long. You know. There is so much pressure though
(36:40):
it's on every single element. But like here I am
in this room with these eighth graders and they're look
at me up up and down, and they're like, you know,
you're kind of like a five and a half six,
but like you could maybe get to an eight. But
here's the things that would need to change. And they're like,
you need to start wearing makeup. May be dye your hair,
(37:01):
if you shaved your arms, if you plucked your eyebrows
this way, that yeah, there lose like maybe ten pounds,
if your boobs are just tad bit bigger. And I
mean my friend and I left that detention center, and
my friend Ashley, she doesn't her her framework of worth
in the way that she measures her worth is totally
(37:22):
different than me. So she leaves and she's like, screw
those guys, They're a bunch of jerks. And she was fine, Yeah,
she was like, they're losers. I literally care zero percent
what they think. But me, I left with a list
of things that I needed to work on. And this
is why coming back to these moments, moments are so
important because still me, as a thirty year old woman,
(37:45):
can come back to the list that's an imaginary list
that you are just looking about me right Like here,
I am defaulting to a seventy five day hard challenge
in my thirties, the same as I did in eighth grade,
trying to prove that I was worthy of love and
longing to these boys in eighth grade who one of
the one that rated me low and told me that
I could get better. I actually dated for four years.
(38:07):
How was it dating? It was terrible? I mean, did
he rate you the whole time? Yeah? And it was
always this comparison to other people. You date him four years,
so you just wanted you went back for more. I
did like I'm going to prove to you that I know,
until I realized I actually have nothing to prove to
this person. And I'm so grateful that because there's so
many women that continue going down that pathway and they
(38:29):
end up married to that person, or they end up,
you know, spending even longer, and not just frivolous high
school years, but years in their adult life where they
don't awaken to their sense of worth and intrinsic intrinsic
worthiness of love until much later, and they have to
(38:49):
unlearn so much more. Trauma Capital T trauma or lowercase
T trauma told me that in therapy, and I feel
like I have only I feel guilty because I feel
like I have only lower te trauma, and then I'm
not worthy of calling attention to myself because it's not
there's real trauma out there. There is, but that doesn't
(39:11):
diminish the hurt and the pain in our own story.
For a while, I used to think that way too,
But now I counted a joy that whether I'm sitting
with someone who like me, has this lowercase T trauma,
which we all do, where I can actually show them
that this hurt and pain in their story needs to
(39:32):
be tended to by a loving God, that there's so
many more out there worth and I think, sorry, I'm
having a little many breakthroughs that I'm worth tending to.
Even though I don't have as many things to tend
to as someone else that I see, I'm still worth
tending to. And when that story is fully healed, you
bring healing to the story of others. It's what you
(39:54):
do through the podcast, it's what you do in your work,
it's what you do as a person. It's what you
do when you carry yourself into a room. It's part
of your essential gifting. It's part of the framework of
who God has always called you to be. When a
story is redeemed, free people end up freeing other people.
Free people end up freeing other people, and the lower
(40:16):
case te trauma that is being healed in your life,
You're going to be a healing agent in the lives
of others. Where you might not be able to fully
understand capital t trauma in the life of another They
may need to go to someone else for that healing.
You're not going to be able to meet. You know,
we aren't called to meet the needs of any person.
We direct them to the source of all that they need.
(40:38):
But for you, you hold space. When you're fully healed,
then these moments with other people no longer start becoming
about you. They start becoming about the other person. You
lean in with this whimsy and this wonder of what
could God do in this person's story with a moment
of truth and love. What if this moment wasn't about
me measuring up or proving my worth, but just being
(40:59):
here with this other soul that needs tending, just like
you have tended to yourself, so you can actually water
that person's plant. Yeah, and even more than tending to myself,
it's God tending because if the cycle still remains about
me having enough or being sufficient for myself, I will
remain in that cycle forever. Okay, say that again. If
(41:22):
it just starts and ends with me where I'm cycling
based on me, tending, me, fixing, me, caring, me, paying attention,
this is what our culture right now is teaching. Is
it's me focused, me anchored. I will still live in
this perpetual cycle of insecurity and striving because I'm not
enough for myself. It's proven to me over and over
(41:44):
and over again. I need I need a purpose and
a love and a worthiness that is anchored in eternity,
that is separate from myself, that can come in and
redeem my story and set me free. And this is
what in the Bible. There's a book called Ephesian, and
in chapter two, verse ten, it says that we are
(42:04):
God's workmanship that were created in his image to do
good works, that he preordained before the beginning of time
for us to walk out. I sit with this and
I think, oh my goodness, that means that you me,
we are the creative results. We are the result of
(42:27):
God's purposed creativity that we embody the beauty and the
love and the image of our creator. And He created
you before the beginning of the foundation of the world,
preordained you to come at the time and the place
in the family, in this room with me. He's preordained
(42:51):
this so we can experience something so that we and
it says that we have been preordained to do good
work that God planned before the beginning of time for
us to walk out. Now that it's important to see
this at the end of the entire chapter, though, because
chapter the earlier verses are saying faith is a gift
(43:14):
from God, it's not something that you can earn. It's
not something that you can be worthy of in and
of it yourself. It is a gift of grace that
you cannot boast about. That you can't say I did
this thing for myself, that you can't anchor in on
your own self sufficiency. But it's something that has been done,
(43:35):
not just a little bit, but done and finished and
completed by God himself to set us free to live
this life as a workmanship. This changes everything. When I
go back into my eighth grade room with the boys
and I think about the reality that I am a
workmanship created in the image of God to do good
(43:57):
works before the beginning of time for God walk out
for me. Those boys hold no authority in that room.
They hold no authority. I'm set free and purposed, not
just now, but for eternity. And that word can't be
touched by eight grade boys. Um. And when I look
back through the rest of the cycle of my story,
(44:17):
when I win, truth and love enters the room, and
it shifts what I'm beholding where now I'm not beholding
myself and my stature and my body and my inability
and my list that's been created for me from cultural
standards and other people, my own expectations or whatever. And
I shift off that list, and I looked to God
(44:39):
who had Hebrews says, fix your eyes on Jesus, the
Author and the perfect of your faith. Because for the
joy that was set before him, he endured the cross.
He endured shame, He endured the sacrifice that was necessary
to set as free. He endured for the joy set
before him of our freedom, of his glory manifest him
(44:59):
our of freedom. So he had joy going through that
pain because he knew the freedom it would give others. Yeah,
the free He came to redeem the creation that bears
his image with himself. And the way he did it
(45:21):
was forstaking the lists, the lists that if he had
tried to measure up or people please or fall into
the same patterns that we all do. Um. I mean
that list is what put him on the cross. All
the Jewish people had expectations for what the Messiah was
going to be, all the you know, all the culture
(45:43):
of that time, all the people at that time. We're
expecting the Savior of the world to look like this.
He came in with humility and broke the chains of
shame and selfishness and pride, and remained humble and submitted
as father the whole time, so he could off for
himself as a sacrifice to allow us the freedom to
be able to live the same way. And this is
(46:05):
a reality for us, a purpose for us that has
anchored in eternity, but it's also lived out now. It's
lived out in our moments until we arrive there. It's
the it's the central framework of the message of Jesus
when he says, when the disciple will say, teach us
how to pray, and he goes, Okay, our father, who
weren't in heaven, how would be my name? Usually most
(46:26):
of us know this. If we've been in church for
a hot minute, Your kingdom come, you will be down
on earth as it doesn't heaven. Give us today our
daily bread. Forgive us our trespasses. We forgive those a
trespass against us. Lead us not to temptation, Deliver us
from evil, for that is the kingdom and the power
on the authority forever Amen. In English, we placed the
authority at the very end, like our conclusion statement, you know,
(46:47):
like a got my thesis, got my conclusion boom, Like
English one o one, you know. But in Hebrew the
emphasis is in the middle, and so you lead up
to the emphasis and the newly on from the emphasis,
and right at the very middle of that prayer is
your Kingdom Come, Your will be done on earth as
it is in heaven. So and in this actually, in
(47:10):
this entire framework of a prayer, we're seeing God's sufficiency
and us beholding God, your Kingdom come or will be
done on earth as it is in heaven. And then
the second half is provide for me physically, help me,
forgive my friends who wronged me, don't lead me into temptation,
deliver me from this evil that I've been bouncing my
(47:31):
whole life. This is what it looks like to glorify you.
This central message of Your Kingdom come or will be
done on earth as it is in heaven. This is
what we're tasting right now in this room. So we're
tasting on these chairs. It's what we're tasting here in
this moment. Is this just this glimpse of what eternal
(47:52):
freedom would look like lived in my life right now,
free from the expectation of others, free from the shame
of my past, free from the need to be praised,
free from myself and all of this, these cycles that
I find myself so perpetually locked in to be set
free by a love and a worth and a purpose
(48:14):
that cannot be changed by anything circumstantially on this earth,
Your kingdom come or will be done. And that's it
seems so silly that this massive, big, you know, like
thing that I'm talking about or whatever could manifest itself
in a decision to be go, I'm quitting on day.
(48:35):
Glad you brought it back to that. But it does
have to actually, it has to manifest in these moments.
These are the moments where humility and my realignment with
the truth of who God says I am and who
I am has to like take root. Because it's one
thing for me to just spout out a bunch of
like words here on a podcast, and it's another thing
(48:57):
for me to ask forgiveness when I've wronged someone or
when God comes and you know, convicts me of something
that I'm doing that is motivated by this need for
worthiness from someone else, to recognize that and immediately respond
with no more, you know, the simple choices of choosing
(49:19):
to turn my phone off at nine pm so that
I can get a good night's sleep rather than put
my head lamp on and do burpies in the back yard.
And you know, like it's this, you know, I'm actually
going to lay down the belief that it all rests
on my shoulders for the truth that I'm your workmanship
and You've preordained the good works for me to do
(49:42):
all my life. So I can go to bed, and
I can go to bed in peace because you're leading
me forward. I'm choosing to remain. I've got these little
got these little you know, leaves popping up at the
top of my stick, and I'm going to believe that
you can continue to grow this beautiful thing in me
if I remain here. But the moment that I stopped watering,
(50:02):
the moment that I put myself back into atmospheres where
it's just going to like bring death, is when that
spiritual reality can't take rootinous because we're hinging back on
our own ability again. So that's what this is.
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