April 24, 2020 • 20 mins
During a time when no one has any control, Kelly and Chip dive into ways to Act Casual and let go. They also answer a listener email about how to Act Casual when re-scheduling your wedding.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, So Chip, you called me this morning with an
idea for an at casual topic because of a podcast
you're listening to to tell the peace about this. Yeah,
so I was listening to the Armchair Expert and Glennon Doyle,
who is, you know, the hottest person on the planet
right now, was a guest on the most recent one,
and UM, I was, you know, just like cooking. It's
(00:20):
it's a long one. I actually haven't even finished it,
but UM, she said something early that like really struck me. UM,
And I guess I should give you a little backstory
to last week. I had UM a session with UM
hypnotherapist Marv. We can talk about Marv openly. He's been
on this podcast before, Marvin Wilkerson, So Marvin Wilkerson who's
(00:41):
an asteroid psychologist and hypnotherapist, and UM, it was a
zoom session. Obviously you can't be face to face right now,
and the like the overarching thing that I took away
from our session was how I get in my own
way and I don't trust myself. UM. And then listening
(01:03):
to this podcast, it's sort of like reinforced it in
a moment jumped out at me and I was like,
oh my god, I want to talk about this. So basically, um,
she said that. UM, let me think exactly how she
said it. She said that she learned that she used
to believe that she was a good leader, but then
in her new marriage that she's realized that she was
(01:24):
a controlling person. Um. And then she told a story
where she recalled it. UM. She was doing her thing
one night where she was trying to manipulate a situation
and her wife said to her, like, it makes me
so sad when you do that. And Glennon was like,
do what and she was like, when you try to
control what I'm doing, it makes me feel like you
don't trust me, and that makes me really sad because
(01:45):
I really trust you. And it was just like this
lightbulb moment for her where she was like, wait, I
mean maybe I haven't been loving my whole life because
you know, her belief and I agree with her, is
that like you either have to control somebody or love them,
because love comes with trust. If you're not trusting somebody,
(02:06):
you're trying to control them, which means that you can't
be loving them. And I just like it. It made
me sort of reflect all what Marv had said to
me that like ship, Like if I'm trying to control
my life rather than lean and and trust my life,
I'm not loving myself right um. And it just just
(02:28):
sort of brought to the surface, like the difference between
trust and control and um and how they are truly
polar opposites, and it it really just sort of blew
my mind this morning. So when you brought it to
me today, I think the first thing that I thought
of is that we as a world are right now
in this this situation, this global pandemic, where none of
(02:50):
us are in control. And so you know, you're speaking
about it in a smaller term basis of like relationships
or how we treat ourselves, and this is kind of
this whole grander thing right now, and it's kind of
this underlying theme to all of our lives that you
have to let go of control and we have to
trust that there is a higher plan or you're gonna
(03:11):
go crazy. And then it's like we're really being tested
right now because we are we are out of control.
It is funeral every single person. Yeah, you know, it
was interesting because I started thinking about it when you
brought it up, and I was you know, I've talked
a little bit about my last year being just like
(03:32):
hit after hit. I mean it was like through the
fucking trenches. There was just a lot of ship and
I felt like a little bit prepared almost when this
global pandemic came, because I was like, oh, of course,
I mean, of course there is a global pandemic. It
just like fell right in line with the way my
life would have been going. And the truth is that
(03:53):
in some ways, all of the ship that happened, you know,
there was a ton of things that couldn't control people
I couldn't can troll, things that my own body was
doing that I couldn't control. There was just all of
these different situations that I had faced that in some
ways prepared me to have to just get to the
place of letting go or else, I don't think I
would have made it like you know, you know when
(04:13):
you get to that place when you're just like, Okay,
I gotta stop trying. I have to stop like my
wheels turning. I have to stop trying to think of
all the different ways to get myself out of this situation,
or to beat this situation, or to have that perfect
conversation with this person to make this better, and you
just go, I can't. I just can't, And I just
(04:35):
have to lean into there is a bigger plan and
something greater is happening right now. Yeah. I mean there's
so much power in that acceptance, you know, like it's
so freeing of yourself. Yeah, And there's no there's honestly
no higher form of self love right then, to just
sort of set yourself free. Okay. So obviously I like
(04:58):
to do research, so is reading about this topic when
you brought it up to me. And this this article
actually is from two thousand nineteen, so this was completely
before all of this stuff started going on with coronavirus.
But I found it to be very on point with
obviously this topic, but also it's like something that people
could maybe put into play right now with what we're
dealing with. But there's a couple different things that I
(05:20):
took away as far as um mindfulness techniques for letting
go of control. That's what this whole article is about.
It's on fast company dot com. And two of the
things that I took away that we're huge to me
was one to do a mental dump of your feelings
because I think like as a society, we are very
uncomfortable with feelings, and so I think it's getting a
(05:41):
little better, honestly, But I think that if you feel uncomfortable,
you feel something unpleasant, which is what a lot of
us are going through right now. It's just like you
want to figure out how to medicate that a way,
like how do I not feel this feeling? Right? So
also you sort of take the feeling and you let
it go to your most your head. Whereas feelings are important,
(06:04):
but you can't you can't control what they mean right
with feeling And also, feelings are not facts, like that
was something I learned in therapy a couple of years ago.
Is they're just feelings and a lot of times feelings past,
so that it's not necessarily the best thing to suppress them,
because then I do think that they build and they
can become into you know, they can become more anxiety
(06:24):
producing even but you know exactly exactly, so they just
say to do a mental dump, you know, Like my
my typical go to on this is like to dumple
my friends, which is not always the best thing to do.
Call every friend I know and tell them every single detail,
like ten times, I'm gonna start losing friends stand if
I keep doing them. But I think what they mean
(06:47):
more is like to process your feelings, maybe to write
them down, and a journaling is super therapeutic for me.
But you're getting them out of your body, like mentally
dump them out of your body, because a lot of
times when you start writing to you realize that there's
not a lot of truth to everything that you're feeling,
right right, So that I thought that was a great one,
(07:07):
just to get the negativity out of your system. Well, look,
I think it's it's funny too, because I'm not the
same podcast this morning, Glennon mentioned something about like she
you know, she cries a lot. Yeah, and it was
a fairly new thing for her, and someone like said
to her, like, why do you cry so much? And
(07:29):
her response now is for the same reason I laughed
so much, because I love that she wants to feel
those things, but what she does is she only allows
them to be feelings. Right. Well, I always think that
tears are very cleansing too, Like people are very scared
of tears. But I think that it's just it's the
(07:50):
same thing that we were just saying, getting the feelings
out of your body. I love that though that she said. Um.
So the second thing that I saw that I thought
was a really good take in this article was learned
to see that uncertainty is a part of life, right,
Like who could have predicted this global pandemic. I mean
(08:11):
there's like so many plans that I made, I know
that everyone else made that we were never like seeing
that this would We'd be on lockdown for months and
not even leaving our house barely. Yeah, I mean it's
as the world has progressed over the years. It's like,
you know, we aren't protected for this because we weren't
preparing for it. And I mean it's literally shutting down industries,
(08:35):
just bringing everything to a halt if it's crazy. Yeah,
And it's just like but it's one of those things.
It's like there's so many things, um, that we plan
on a daily basis that we especially with the groups
that you know that we put together. Are these trips.
I mean I was supposed to go to Costa Rica
the week that we got isolated in our house and
(08:56):
it's just yeah, I mean it was just it's like
there's saying the more that you go on in your life,
and I think this is true, except that the what
ifs are always going to happen, you know, Like I
like to think of life as like the straight line,
like when I figure something out and I get into
a good place, like it's just gonna stay like that
and I'm gonna keep going up. But it always here
that life is more like a corkscrew, Like it's the
(09:18):
ups and the downs and the rounds and the rounds.
It's not it's not this straight line that we're always
just gonna know what's going to happen. How boring would
life be if we knew that it was going to happen,
if we could protect everything. Well, I personally would love
it if my life always just went really amazingly, But
I also think I would be an asshole, you know,
(09:40):
like if you didn't hit the bad Yeah, Like if
you didn't hit the bad parts, why would you ever
grow and change? You wouldn't. So that's one thing to
learn in that. But there was a quote in there
from Deepak show Bro, which I mean, he's obviously a
very wise man, and if you read a lot or
if you listen to the Oprah podcasts, which I do,
(10:01):
he's on there a lot, but he says one of
his principles that he stands by when it comes to
mindfulness is completely detaching from outcomes, which I loved. Like
he goes in with he doesn't have a goal, he
doesn't have a hope. He just goes in with his
teachings and he's like, whatever happens is what was supposed
to happen, which is a very Buddhist mindset, I think.
(10:24):
But yeah, he just says like, I'm independence of hopes
and despair because I don't attach myself to any outcomes.
I just show up and do what I'm supposed to
do and do my part. I mean, talk about trusting yourself.
And yeah, there's there's no way for someone like Deepak Chopra,
who is, like you said, very wise and an incredible teacher,
(10:46):
to have any control over the outcome. Once he gives
his knowledge to somebody else, to a student, right, or
a patient or whatever it is that he's speaking to,
it's it's kind of about his control. So it's studile
too to even care. I mean, I guess you can
care what their outcome is, but it's um. It's a
(11:07):
futile to um trying and control what the outcome is.
I guess, right, and I think that is something to
really keep in mind right now too, because you know,
I think there's a lot of situations. I know myself personally,
like I've been worrying about the future, and I've been
thinking like, oh god, well, what if this changes TV forever?
What if this changes whatever? And it's like, you just
(11:29):
have to keep showing up every day and do your
part and adapt and whatever is going to happen is
what's supposed to happen. And it's truly is that way.
Worrying about it is not going to help anything, which
is obviously a lot easier said than done. But I
think go ahead. The truth is, the truth is I
think it is going to change a lot of things forever,
(11:50):
right But you know the But it's also what's one
of the wonderful things about it is that it's it
is moving to us that we can't anticipate everything, you know,
to remain nimble, we have to be flexible. And then
that's I mean, that's one of the beauties of the
human spirit, is that we are we can grow and change.
(12:12):
I've been doing it. We've been doing it since the
beginning of time. So I really like that you just
use the word nimble, especially when describing life nimble, I
immediately think of Gumby. For some reason, I remember that
that character gumpy. These days, are you standing outside of
(12:37):
a dairy queen like floating in the air. You know
this totally. My friend is a gumpy tattoo. But I digress.
That is that's a strange fun fact for us all.
Thank you. Um. This actually is a really good transition
to go into our listener email for the week. As
we told you guys last week, we were going to
read a one listener email every week with an at
(12:58):
casual topic, and this one fell right in line with
the topic of control and having to go through so
many changes because of what's happening in coronavirus times. So
this is from Kristen Aldender for what what Aldender for?
I think that's her last name. Okay, um. She says,
(13:18):
One thing I would love to hear you talk about
is the awkwardness I'm going through with postponing my wedding.
It was originally planned for Mark No May night, but
then I'm postponing it until October three. The awkwardness comes
because we're still getting married. We're still going to get
married on May nin different dress. Think Carrie Bradshaw's actual
(13:40):
wedding to Big Okay from the movie. So it's like
a little suit, like a dress suit, much shorter and
way less people. How do I get past the awkwardness
in October when everyone knows we are married already and
we do a big day redo. I've been looking forward
to it forever, but not now. I feel like it's
going to be a word. Yeah. Well look, it's funny
(14:04):
when she when when Kelly sent me that email, I um,
I actually was able to relate to it, not not
because of the wedding of not because of a wedding
of my own, but my sister to change the date
of her wedding, and so I was I sort of
like walked with her through it. And so, and the
(14:25):
circumstances were a little different. She had planned a wedding
for for May, and then she and her fiance ended
up pregnant, and she had already been fitted for the dress.
All of the alterations, and so she was like, I
have to move the wedding up. I can't. I've just
got to do it sooner so that I'm not like
(14:46):
pregnant in my photos and don't have to buy a dress.
So you know, she had told all of her friends
like from college and stuff like I'm getting married to May,
like expect to save the date, blah blah blah, and
then showed the wedding. I moved up to decemb her,
so it was you know, five six months earlier. And
then you know, she forgot to tell people, except for
(15:08):
she made it a much smaller wedding so it was
just immediate family at that point. And then she starts
posting wedding photos and it piste off a ton of
her friends, and um, it was like this whole thing
that she had to like she also lost the baby,
so it was like, oh my god, and I don't
need to laugh about that because that's obviously a really
(15:30):
sad thing, but it, um was one of those things
where like she had people piste off at her, and
she was like she had to go back and be like, well,
this is why, and by the way, I lost the baby.
So then all of her friends felt terrible. And I
think the moral of it all is it's your day.
You know, It's like this is it's not about anybody
(15:54):
else's feeling. It's about what you need to do. For
your wedding day and whatever you needed you to make
it feel perfect for you. You don't have to worry
about how however anyone else feels, except for maybe your
parents if they're paying for it. But even still, it's
your wedding, and I think that whatever makes the most
sense for you is what you have to embrace and
(16:15):
then anyone who loves you will be fine with that,
agree with that. And I think that that is what
gets so lost so many times and weddings these days,
is it just becomes this whole thing that you're planning
for everyone else and not yourself, and you can't really
enjoy it. And the other point about this right now
(16:36):
for you, Kristen, is if people can't understand why you
had to postpone your wedding right now, then there's something
wrong with them, like that man uninvite them in general,
like they should not be at that wedding. They have
a big problem, and that is that they're completely have
a stick up their ass and can't see outside of themselves,
(16:58):
because that is just yeah, it's just like and also
if you're if you're already technically married, so what this
whole wedding is supposed to be a celebration of your love. Right,
So just take the opportunity celebrate the love that you
have for your person and the people that are hopefully
there that they can just be happy and honestly ready
to fucking party back October right to Like my I
(17:24):
ended up throwing what I just called a reception for
my sister on the original wedding date so she could
invite all of her friends, and um, I invited a
bunch of my friends too. We just turned it into
a big party. Yeah, and I have friends today that's
still like reference like the day that they went to
my sister's wedding, And I'm like, you realize there was
(17:46):
no ceremony, there was nothing but all of them that
they were at my sister's because they were at the party,
that's what people remember about the wedding. Anyway. Yes, I
think it's cool that they're still going to actually be
able to get married in May. I know a lot
of people have had to completely postpone everything. And the
(18:07):
worst part is that a lot of these wedding like
venues or whatever it is, like the flower people, because
I guess they have to stay in business too, they're
not giving them like refunds or breaks on the money
part of it. So some people are having to completely
reconfigure their wedding because of finances. Which it's just one
of those time periods that if you can't give everyone
(18:27):
around you grace because we're all just trying to figure
this out as you go, Like the problem is you,
it's not it's not anyone else. So Kristen, you do
you boo have fun. I hope you guys have the
best celebration. I'm actually jealous because about October. If I
don't have a huge party, pissico to I'm gonna be
(18:49):
going crazy. Kristen, these send uson invite email us at
Caswell at velvets edge dot com. I mean the other thing,
actually we'll make We'll make such a scene that no
one would even care about anything else happened. Have you
(19:10):
ever heard that quote? What people think of me is
none of my business. That's kind of like going through
my head right now too. It's just like, yeah, it's
just like it's none of your business. And especially people
who are at your wedding supposed you know that are
supposed to be there to celebrate you and your love
on your day. If they can't. Then, bab babbitch, what
(19:32):
did you send me that lizza thing? There's a Lizza
mean that keeps going around and keep saying babbit that
chips sending me basically every day. Well, on that note,
I think we actually chip. You know what. We forgot
to mention the third and maybe most important thing to remember.
We're in all of these scenarios when you're trying to
(19:54):
let go of control and that's just too are y'all
at Caslor
Okay, So Chip, you called me this morning with an
idea for an at casual topic because of a podcast
you're listening to to tell the peace about this. Yeah,
so I was listening to the Armchair Expert and Glennon Doyle,
who is, you know, the hottest person on the planet
right now, was a guest on the most recent one,
and UM, I was, you know, just like cooking. It's
(00:20):
it's a long one. I actually haven't even finished it,
but UM, she said something early that like really struck me. UM,
And I guess I should give you a little backstory
to last week. I had UM a session with UM
hypnotherapist Marv. We can talk about Marv openly. He's been
on this podcast before, Marvin Wilkerson, So Marvin Wilkerson who's
(00:41):
an asteroid psychologist and hypnotherapist, and UM, it was a
zoom session. Obviously you can't be face to face right now,
and the like the overarching thing that I took away
from our session was how I get in my own
way and I don't trust myself. UM. And then listening
(01:03):
to this podcast, it's sort of like reinforced it in
a moment jumped out at me and I was like,
oh my god, I want to talk about this. So basically, um,
she said that. UM, let me think exactly how she
said it. She said that she learned that she used
to believe that she was a good leader, but then
in her new marriage that she's realized that she was
(01:24):
a controlling person. Um. And then she told a story
where she recalled it. UM. She was doing her thing
one night where she was trying to manipulate a situation
and her wife said to her, like, it makes me
so sad when you do that. And Glennon was like,
do what and she was like, when you try to
control what I'm doing, it makes me feel like you
don't trust me, and that makes me really sad because
(01:45):
I really trust you. And it was just like this
lightbulb moment for her where she was like, wait, I
mean maybe I haven't been loving my whole life because
you know, her belief and I agree with her, is
that like you either have to control somebody or love them,
because love comes with trust. If you're not trusting somebody,
(02:06):
you're trying to control them, which means that you can't
be loving them. And I just like it. It made
me sort of reflect all what Marv had said to
me that like ship, Like if I'm trying to control
my life rather than lean and and trust my life,
I'm not loving myself right um. And it just just
(02:28):
sort of brought to the surface, like the difference between
trust and control and um and how they are truly
polar opposites, and it it really just sort of blew
my mind this morning. So when you brought it to
me today, I think the first thing that I thought
of is that we as a world are right now
in this this situation, this global pandemic, where none of
(02:50):
us are in control. And so you know, you're speaking
about it in a smaller term basis of like relationships
or how we treat ourselves, and this is kind of
this whole grander thing right now, and it's kind of
this underlying theme to all of our lives that you
have to let go of control and we have to
trust that there is a higher plan or you're gonna
(03:11):
go crazy. And then it's like we're really being tested
right now because we are we are out of control.
It is funeral every single person. Yeah, you know, it
was interesting because I started thinking about it when you
brought it up, and I was you know, I've talked
a little bit about my last year being just like
(03:32):
hit after hit. I mean it was like through the
fucking trenches. There was just a lot of ship and
I felt like a little bit prepared almost when this
global pandemic came, because I was like, oh, of course,
I mean, of course there is a global pandemic. It
just like fell right in line with the way my
life would have been going. And the truth is that
(03:53):
in some ways, all of the ship that happened, you know,
there was a ton of things that couldn't control people
I couldn't can troll, things that my own body was
doing that I couldn't control. There was just all of
these different situations that I had faced that in some
ways prepared me to have to just get to the
place of letting go or else, I don't think I
would have made it like you know, you know when
(04:13):
you get to that place when you're just like, Okay,
I gotta stop trying. I have to stop like my
wheels turning. I have to stop trying to think of
all the different ways to get myself out of this situation,
or to beat this situation, or to have that perfect
conversation with this person to make this better, and you
just go, I can't. I just can't, And I just
(04:35):
have to lean into there is a bigger plan and
something greater is happening right now. Yeah. I mean there's
so much power in that acceptance, you know, like it's
so freeing of yourself. Yeah, And there's no there's honestly
no higher form of self love right then, to just
sort of set yourself free. Okay. So obviously I like
(04:58):
to do research, so is reading about this topic when
you brought it up to me. And this this article
actually is from two thousand nineteen, so this was completely
before all of this stuff started going on with coronavirus.
But I found it to be very on point with
obviously this topic, but also it's like something that people
could maybe put into play right now with what we're
dealing with. But there's a couple different things that I
(05:20):
took away as far as um mindfulness techniques for letting
go of control. That's what this whole article is about.
It's on fast company dot com. And two of the
things that I took away that we're huge to me
was one to do a mental dump of your feelings
because I think like as a society, we are very
uncomfortable with feelings, and so I think it's getting a
(05:41):
little better, honestly, But I think that if you feel uncomfortable,
you feel something unpleasant, which is what a lot of
us are going through right now. It's just like you
want to figure out how to medicate that a way,
like how do I not feel this feeling? Right? So
also you sort of take the feeling and you let
it go to your most your head. Whereas feelings are important,
(06:04):
but you can't you can't control what they mean right
with feeling And also, feelings are not facts, like that
was something I learned in therapy a couple of years ago.
Is they're just feelings and a lot of times feelings past,
so that it's not necessarily the best thing to suppress them,
because then I do think that they build and they
can become into you know, they can become more anxiety
(06:24):
producing even but you know exactly exactly, so they just
say to do a mental dump, you know, Like my
my typical go to on this is like to dumple
my friends, which is not always the best thing to do.
Call every friend I know and tell them every single detail,
like ten times, I'm gonna start losing friends stand if
I keep doing them. But I think what they mean
(06:47):
more is like to process your feelings, maybe to write
them down, and a journaling is super therapeutic for me.
But you're getting them out of your body, like mentally
dump them out of your body, because a lot of
times when you start writing to you realize that there's
not a lot of truth to everything that you're feeling,
right right, So that I thought that was a great one,
(07:07):
just to get the negativity out of your system. Well, look,
I think it's it's funny too, because I'm not the
same podcast this morning, Glennon mentioned something about like she
you know, she cries a lot. Yeah, and it was
a fairly new thing for her, and someone like said
to her, like, why do you cry so much? And
(07:29):
her response now is for the same reason I laughed
so much, because I love that she wants to feel
those things, but what she does is she only allows
them to be feelings. Right. Well, I always think that
tears are very cleansing too, Like people are very scared
of tears. But I think that it's just it's the
(07:50):
same thing that we were just saying, getting the feelings
out of your body. I love that though that she said. Um.
So the second thing that I saw that I thought
was a really good take in this article was learned
to see that uncertainty is a part of life, right,
Like who could have predicted this global pandemic. I mean
(08:11):
there's like so many plans that I made, I know
that everyone else made that we were never like seeing
that this would We'd be on lockdown for months and
not even leaving our house barely. Yeah, I mean it's
as the world has progressed over the years. It's like,
you know, we aren't protected for this because we weren't
preparing for it. And I mean it's literally shutting down industries,
(08:35):
just bringing everything to a halt if it's crazy. Yeah,
And it's just like but it's one of those things.
It's like there's so many things, um, that we plan
on a daily basis that we especially with the groups
that you know that we put together. Are these trips.
I mean I was supposed to go to Costa Rica
the week that we got isolated in our house and
(08:56):
it's just yeah, I mean it was just it's like
there's saying the more that you go on in your life,
and I think this is true, except that the what
ifs are always going to happen, you know, Like I
like to think of life as like the straight line,
like when I figure something out and I get into
a good place, like it's just gonna stay like that
and I'm gonna keep going up. But it always here
that life is more like a corkscrew, Like it's the
(09:18):
ups and the downs and the rounds and the rounds.
It's not it's not this straight line that we're always
just gonna know what's going to happen. How boring would
life be if we knew that it was going to happen,
if we could protect everything. Well, I personally would love
it if my life always just went really amazingly, But
I also think I would be an asshole, you know,
(09:40):
like if you didn't hit the bad Yeah, Like if
you didn't hit the bad parts, why would you ever
grow and change? You wouldn't. So that's one thing to
learn in that. But there was a quote in there
from Deepak show Bro, which I mean, he's obviously a
very wise man, and if you read a lot or
if you listen to the Oprah podcasts, which I do,
(10:01):
he's on there a lot, but he says one of
his principles that he stands by when it comes to
mindfulness is completely detaching from outcomes, which I loved. Like
he goes in with he doesn't have a goal, he
doesn't have a hope. He just goes in with his
teachings and he's like, whatever happens is what was supposed
to happen, which is a very Buddhist mindset, I think.
(10:24):
But yeah, he just says like, I'm independence of hopes
and despair because I don't attach myself to any outcomes.
I just show up and do what I'm supposed to
do and do my part. I mean, talk about trusting yourself.
And yeah, there's there's no way for someone like Deepak Chopra,
who is, like you said, very wise and an incredible teacher,
(10:46):
to have any control over the outcome. Once he gives
his knowledge to somebody else, to a student, right, or
a patient or whatever it is that he's speaking to,
it's it's kind of about his control. So it's studile
too to even care. I mean, I guess you can
care what their outcome is, but it's um. It's a
(11:07):
futile to um trying and control what the outcome is.
I guess, right, and I think that is something to
really keep in mind right now too, because you know,
I think there's a lot of situations. I know myself personally,
like I've been worrying about the future, and I've been
thinking like, oh god, well, what if this changes TV forever?
What if this changes whatever? And it's like, you just
(11:29):
have to keep showing up every day and do your
part and adapt and whatever is going to happen is
what's supposed to happen. And it's truly is that way.
Worrying about it is not going to help anything, which
is obviously a lot easier said than done. But I
think go ahead. The truth is, the truth is I
think it is going to change a lot of things forever,
(11:50):
right But you know the But it's also what's one
of the wonderful things about it is that it's it
is moving to us that we can't anticipate everything, you know,
to remain nimble, we have to be flexible. And then
that's I mean, that's one of the beauties of the
human spirit, is that we are we can grow and change.
(12:12):
I've been doing it. We've been doing it since the
beginning of time. So I really like that you just
use the word nimble, especially when describing life nimble, I
immediately think of Gumby. For some reason, I remember that
that character gumpy. These days, are you standing outside of
(12:37):
a dairy queen like floating in the air. You know
this totally. My friend is a gumpy tattoo. But I digress.
That is that's a strange fun fact for us all.
Thank you. Um. This actually is a really good transition
to go into our listener email for the week. As
we told you guys last week, we were going to
read a one listener email every week with an at
(12:58):
casual topic, and this one fell right in line with
the topic of control and having to go through so
many changes because of what's happening in coronavirus times. So
this is from Kristen Aldender for what what Aldender for?
I think that's her last name. Okay, um. She says,
(13:18):
One thing I would love to hear you talk about
is the awkwardness I'm going through with postponing my wedding.
It was originally planned for Mark No May night, but
then I'm postponing it until October three. The awkwardness comes
because we're still getting married. We're still going to get
married on May nin different dress. Think Carrie Bradshaw's actual
(13:40):
wedding to Big Okay from the movie. So it's like
a little suit, like a dress suit, much shorter and
way less people. How do I get past the awkwardness
in October when everyone knows we are married already and
we do a big day redo. I've been looking forward
to it forever, but not now. I feel like it's
going to be a word. Yeah. Well look, it's funny
(14:04):
when she when when Kelly sent me that email, I um,
I actually was able to relate to it, not not
because of the wedding of not because of a wedding
of my own, but my sister to change the date
of her wedding, and so I was I sort of
like walked with her through it. And so, and the
(14:25):
circumstances were a little different. She had planned a wedding
for for May, and then she and her fiance ended
up pregnant, and she had already been fitted for the dress.
All of the alterations, and so she was like, I
have to move the wedding up. I can't. I've just
got to do it sooner so that I'm not like
(14:46):
pregnant in my photos and don't have to buy a dress.
So you know, she had told all of her friends
like from college and stuff like I'm getting married to May,
like expect to save the date, blah blah blah, and
then showed the wedding. I moved up to decemb her,
so it was you know, five six months earlier. And
then you know, she forgot to tell people, except for
(15:08):
she made it a much smaller wedding so it was
just immediate family at that point. And then she starts
posting wedding photos and it piste off a ton of
her friends, and um, it was like this whole thing
that she had to like she also lost the baby,
so it was like, oh my god, and I don't
need to laugh about that because that's obviously a really
(15:30):
sad thing, but it, um was one of those things
where like she had people piste off at her, and
she was like she had to go back and be like, well,
this is why, and by the way, I lost the baby.
So then all of her friends felt terrible. And I
think the moral of it all is it's your day.
You know, It's like this is it's not about anybody
(15:54):
else's feeling. It's about what you need to do. For
your wedding day and whatever you needed you to make
it feel perfect for you. You don't have to worry
about how however anyone else feels, except for maybe your
parents if they're paying for it. But even still, it's
your wedding, and I think that whatever makes the most
sense for you is what you have to embrace and
(16:15):
then anyone who loves you will be fine with that,
agree with that. And I think that that is what
gets so lost so many times and weddings these days,
is it just becomes this whole thing that you're planning
for everyone else and not yourself, and you can't really
enjoy it. And the other point about this right now
(16:36):
for you, Kristen, is if people can't understand why you
had to postpone your wedding right now, then there's something
wrong with them, like that man uninvite them in general,
like they should not be at that wedding. They have
a big problem, and that is that they're completely have
a stick up their ass and can't see outside of themselves,
(16:58):
because that is just yeah, it's just like and also
if you're if you're already technically married, so what this
whole wedding is supposed to be a celebration of your love. Right,
So just take the opportunity celebrate the love that you
have for your person and the people that are hopefully
there that they can just be happy and honestly ready
to fucking party back October right to Like my I
(17:24):
ended up throwing what I just called a reception for
my sister on the original wedding date so she could
invite all of her friends, and um, I invited a
bunch of my friends too. We just turned it into
a big party. Yeah, and I have friends today that's
still like reference like the day that they went to
my sister's wedding, And I'm like, you realize there was
(17:46):
no ceremony, there was nothing but all of them that
they were at my sister's because they were at the party,
that's what people remember about the wedding. Anyway. Yes, I
think it's cool that they're still going to actually be
able to get married in May. I know a lot
of people have had to completely postpone everything. And the
(18:07):
worst part is that a lot of these wedding like
venues or whatever it is, like the flower people, because
I guess they have to stay in business too, they're
not giving them like refunds or breaks on the money
part of it. So some people are having to completely
reconfigure their wedding because of finances. Which it's just one
of those time periods that if you can't give everyone
(18:27):
around you grace because we're all just trying to figure
this out as you go, Like the problem is you,
it's not it's not anyone else. So Kristen, you do
you boo have fun. I hope you guys have the
best celebration. I'm actually jealous because about October. If I
don't have a huge party, pissico to I'm gonna be
(18:49):
going crazy. Kristen, these send uson invite email us at
Caswell at velvets edge dot com. I mean the other thing,
actually we'll make We'll make such a scene that no
one would even care about anything else happened. Have you
(19:10):
ever heard that quote? What people think of me is
none of my business. That's kind of like going through
my head right now too. It's just like, yeah, it's
just like it's none of your business. And especially people
who are at your wedding supposed you know that are
supposed to be there to celebrate you and your love
on your day. If they can't. Then, bab babbitch, what
(19:32):
did you send me that lizza thing? There's a Lizza
mean that keeps going around and keep saying babbit that
chips sending me basically every day. Well, on that note,
I think we actually chip. You know what. We forgot
to mention the third and maybe most important thing to remember.
We're in all of these scenarios when you're trying to
(19:54):
let go of control and that's just too are y'all
at Caslor
Host
Kelly Henderson
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