May 15, 2020 • 19 mins
Kelly and Chip discuss the prevalence of hook ups happening with exes during quarantine. They also give their thoughts on this as a good idea or bad idea. Then the duo answers a listener email about not getting out of sweats in front of your significant other during quarantine.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, So a few weeks ago we talked about dating
and quarantine and how you just that's that's increased so
much for a lot of people, like this online dating stuff.
We talked to your friend Chris, who has been on
numerous dates, and he's like, yeah, he's like playing the
field in a major way. And that was fascinating to
me because I just thought I assumed dating would go down.
(00:21):
But you brought up an interesting topic to me this week,
and literally since you have said it, it's like I
cannot avoid articles about this. I'm getting emails about it
like it is everywhere, and that is hooking up with
your ex during quarantine. Yeah. Yeah, I mean I've seen
like the hook up stuff even just like the reconnecting,
(00:42):
you know, like just talking in general. Yeah, just hearing
from them out of the blue. It seems like that's
really starting to happen a lot. And I think the
longer we're in this, the more that we're going to
start seeing that happen. Why do you think this is
on such a rise right now? Well, look, I think
the main reason probably is lonely now us, you know,
and look it's I'm no psychologist, but you know, it's
(01:05):
when when we get lonely, we sort of lean into
what's comfortable with for us. And look, I also think
too that, um, not every relationship necessarily ends badly, so
we don't know the circumstances for a lot of these
people that we're reading about. So I know that I'm
still really friendly with most of my exes, So it
wouldn't be, um, anything other than like me truly checking
(01:27):
on someone if I checked in with them. Um, I mean,
my ex, my most recent acts, lives in Nashville and
is you know, he's not in a relationship, so he's
technically alone right now. So you know, Um, I and
we have communicated throughout this thing. So I was just
about to ask, really sure about this? I am certain
(01:49):
about it. I don't look, I mean, it's it was
We've been in communication, you know, prior to quarantine too,
so it wasn't It's not weird at all. But um, like,
what are you guys talking about? Though? Like you're just like, hey,
how are you surface level something? And sharing means you
know something. I mean, the clenavirus memes are on point.
We've made that, so yeah, so yeah, it's like I
(02:13):
do think that like you know, when you're in a
relationship with someone, they leave an indelible mark on your life.
And if just because you're not going to be together
forever doesn't mean that you don't have to care about them. So, um,
I do think some of it is literally just people
checking on people that they care about, um, others. You know,
it's probably a little bit of I got some human
(02:33):
desires and needs, Bill, and I would rather risk breaking
my heart than dying, you know, by like hooking up
with a stranger. So I think that there's probably just
someone that was so dramatic. I was like, where are
you going with this dying? We're acting casual today. I
don't have you forgot but acting casual sex. Yeah, well,
(02:58):
I will say we both. I mean, we have a
bunch of mutual friends, and honestly, the amount of sex
that our friends are having right now is that an
all time high. I'm so jealous. We'll get yourself out there, man,
come on, No, I know I know I should, but
I also like, look, I want to. I want to
you know, be as safe as possible too. So so
(03:20):
your point is it's safer to call an X, like
physically safer, you know, you're well, hopefully you're not going
to get murdered by this person that you've already dated,
versus get infected, you know. True. Um well, I would
trust a friend to say like I'm healthy or you know,
an X to be like I'm healthy. I haven't had
any signs. I haven't been around anybody like right over
(03:43):
some like random hook up online, you know, even if
you've been texting with them for a couple of weeks.
It's you know, and that's not to say that everyone
is a liar, you know, It's like I think it
just has to. It comes down to sort of your
comfort level and who you're willing to trust at this point.
So um, and I'm the first one to tell you
I kind of um see the best in everybody, so right,
(04:07):
I mean trusting me if I if I would just
let go, I probably hook up with a stranger to
like what if you we're talking about just like a
wear a mask, I mean sex with the mask on.
It's the new thing. Oh my god, you bring a
big plastic divider, you wear a hazmat suit with an opening.
(04:28):
That would get interesting? Yeah, um yeah, well it is
so interesting to me because, as we mentioned, a bunch
of our friends are you know, getting frisky and you
sent me an article from poush dot com and they're saying,
They're like, this is happening. This is everywhere, a lot
of people are doing this right now. If you do it,
just make sure to communicate before before anything get started,
(04:51):
like what your expectations are, Like, what do you want
from each other? Are you looking to reconnect just temporarily?
Is this like just a pandemic hook up or is
it something that you're open to you for the future. Yeah,
I think, um, I mean from the things that I've read,
it seems like a lot of it is a very
temporary fix. Um. But you know that said, it's you
(05:16):
never know what can happen when you reconnect ship. I've
got friends whose parents got divorced and ended up back together,
not because of the quarantine, but like I'm just I
just like put I'm putting that example out there because ship,
anything can happen when X is reconnect and everyone's every
relationship is different, follows a different storyline, and last a
(05:37):
different amount of time. So it's you know, it's hard
to generalize this topic because everyone's situation it's so different,
But I do think that, like you know, a lot
the cause of it in this time is boredom, truly
caring about people. I've also seen, like you know, a
lot of people are going into panic mode, so they're
(05:57):
questioning their iwnortality And it's sure ship Like, I don't
want to die and not have sex before I die.
Right if I'm going out, I'm going out having going
out with a bang. You know what I did there?
Do you see what I did there? We are here
all week. We are here all week only on Fridays
(06:18):
for being my friend, right, So yeah, And I have
no judgment towards these people. I mean, I I kind
of wish that I was a little bit more ballsy
and like taking it time to meet some people. But
I also to like, I cannot get my head out
of the gutter right now. And now you said ballsy
and I'm like, all these jokes are going through my
head five years old. Um No, I think what you
(06:40):
did just mention a really interesting point to me, and
that is, um that you know, the quarantine, it kind
of has like this whole pandemic happening. It's not anything
that any of us have gone through before. So for me,
I know, it's been a huge perspective switch, and like
the things that matter to me um are a little
different honestly then the things that mattered to me before.
(07:02):
And you know, my relationship for instance, we were actually
struggling a little bit right before the pandemic and this
was the best thing for us possible because we've taken
the time now to really refocus on the relationship, really
spend time together, and so it's been great for us.
I could see what you're saying, like maybe there's a
circumstance where you broke up, you know, right before the pandemic,
(07:24):
and then you're like, hold up a second. This person
did bring a lot of these amazing factors to my life,
and maybe it was just like a timing thing, or
we were too busy, we were putting too much focus
on work, you know, all of those things that, yeah,
are just the person that puts everything into perspective. Like
you said, it's like missing someone comes from a real place,
you know, so it's a real emotion that like if
(07:47):
you miss somebody, you have to like dig and be
like why why why am I feeling miss Like where
is this feeling coming from? And yeah, it's like if
you realize that you just broke up with someone because
they don't do the dishes the way that you like,
like that for stupid reason, you know, And then you
have to trust your your heart when it's saying I
missed this person so well. I think that's an interesting
(08:08):
point because the missing thing can be so many things,
right like are you actually missing the person or or
are you just lonely and you want to put a
band aid on that feeling? Right? Right? Yeah, So go ahead, evaluation. Yeah,
it's a good way to put it. Don't judge yourself
for having those feelings. Look inside and be like, Okay,
(08:29):
where are these feelings coming from? And is it like
a real place where reconnecting might actually be beneficial? Yeah,
I told you that. I literally could not escape this
topic since you brought it up to me. And I've
got this email yesterday from Amy Chan. She she's actually
been on the Velvet Edge podcast before. She's the founder
of this this event I guess you would call it,
or this workshop called Breakup boot Camp. She's amazing and
(08:52):
she really looks at working through emotions after breakups like
I think a lot of us, especially in our society,
are just so prog ammed to put a band aid
on those feelings, just move through it. But that's what
makes us keep making the same mistakes and relationships or
picking the same kind of relationships. And so she really
puts this focus on healing and looking within to figure
(09:14):
out what was really happening, why this breakup happened, why
this relationship didn't work, and all of that. So she
sent out these monthly emails and I got one yesterday,
and of course the topic is hooking up with an X,
and she has it's kind of a different mentality because,
you know, she said that the kind of what you're
talking about that you and your X we're texting about,
(09:34):
just saying are you okay? And you're just like, yeah,
I just care about this person I'm checking in. And
she says that maybe that isn't your full intention, Like
maybe it is important to do a little self evaluation,
like you're saying, and like, why do you want the
comfort of talking to this person in the moment? Are
you really wanting to talk to this person? Are you
really wanting to reconnect or are you just feeling anxious?
(09:58):
Are you feeling lonely? Are you feeling board? And you
just don't want to work through those emotions. Yeah, I mean,
it's it's a really good question. And I think, you know,
like I said, you have to sort of like look
at that emotion that you're feeling and figure out what
the root of it is, because I do think that
if it is boredom, you're going to regret making that
snap judgment and just sending the text and opening up
(10:20):
a can of worms, you know, Like, yeah, I think
you need to be certain that or just be resolute
in your decision, like I just need to get fucking
laid and this is comfortable to me, you know. And
the sex was and the sex was always a great part.
You know, that could certainly be a driver if if
that was the one thing that kept you together in
the first place, then maybe it's not a bad place
(10:41):
to go for a minute, you know. Sure. And I
think that's kind of what the Posh dot com article
was saying, is just make sure the expectations are talked
about before um amy though she does get and this
is a little like nerdy science stuff, which I love,
but you know, she talked a lot about when you
break up with somebody, you literally have to re hire
your neuropathways in your brain because we've become kind of
(11:03):
chemically dependent on another person when we're in a relationship
to meet our needs in certain ways to help us
not to be lonely, even like physically with sex. And
so when you break up, you have to rewire your
neuropathways to learn how to take care of those needs
yourself versus like relying on another person. And so yeah,
(11:25):
she really she really recommends thinking about that before you
text the X because you may have to go through
that whole uncomfortable process of rewiring those neuropathways again once
the pandemic is over, which would not Yeah, I wouldn't
really be fun because also in most cases, I mean
we talked about the situations where maybe maybe the breakup
(11:48):
didn't need to happen and maybe you can reconnect. But
in most cases, I do believe that when you break up,
like there's a reason, you know, and those reasons don't
just typically go away because the world goes into a pandemic.
So her to just mostly they focus on self care,
just helping yourself to alleviate those feelings, reaching out to
people that you can connect with, um that are safe
(12:11):
people you know, friends, I don't know, maybe making new
relationships if that's not a total fear place for you.
And she also just reminds us like it's not the
end of the world, which I think a lot of
us are feeling right now. You know that anxiety just like,
oh my god, it's gonna be I keep having this
feeling like this is going to be like this forever,
Like when am I ever going to see my friends again?
(12:31):
When am I ever gonna um go to a restaurant?
So maybe taking away some of that catastrophic thinking, right right,
I think that's really great advice. Yeah, so, um, yeah,
I don't know. I mean I think I could go
either way. I don't really have a judgment obviously, W
not casual here, we don't we don't make judgments, so
we're just delivering information. So whatever I want, I want
(12:56):
everyone to do what feels great to them, and it's say,
you know, absolutely keep yourself safe, but like and that
I mean not just from the pandemic, protect your heart
as well exactly. I think that's really great advice. If
you guys do have um situations where maybe you know
you've hooked up with an X or reconnected with an X,
(13:17):
and either it's worked out or it's gone terribly emails
that at casual at velvet dot com. I actually want
to know how this is going for people. Yeah, I'm
super curious. So your situation, y'all are just buddies. Yeah,
we're just friends at that point. So I really wanted
some juice for me. Fine, I wish I trust me.
I wish there was juice for me to spill. Yeah,
(13:40):
but unfortunately, I'm like, I'm gonna dialogue. There will be nurses,
there will be nurses. I'll come see you. Yeah, Okay,
let's get onto our listener email for the week. Uh,
(14:02):
this is from an anonymous person, but it's not really anonymous.
I know who it is. She She asked that we
keep her anonymity. Um, so we'll do that for her.
But she says, I am quarantining with my boyfriend and
every day I look like a giant grease ball. Should
I get ready for him or just shock him with
(14:22):
my beauty the time we the first time we go
out after the pandemic. Do you have any thoughts on
this chip? Well, I mean I can't speak directly to
that because I don't have a significant other than I'm
quarantining with. But my initial thought is like, I mean
some days it'll be four o'clock and I'm like, I
haven't brushed my teeth or my hair, and I so
(14:46):
and I'm doing a lot of zoom. So my the
only way I would relate to this is like I think, like, well,
at least I can't smell my breath, Like I'm gonna
tame this hair. I'm gonna I'm gonna throw a hat on.
Imagine if you don't connect everybody, like, oh my god,
it would suck. It would suck. I've been like practicing
(15:07):
better hygiene because I realized in the beginning of it.
In the beginning of like quarantine, I was just like
sort of letting that stuff go, like that's gross. Like
the only person who is losing in that situation is me,
so you know, be better on it. But yeah, my
poor dogs, except for their breath stinks. So i'd let
you know, let me speak to that manager. But no,
(15:29):
I my thoughts in terms of like with your relationship,
it's like it's maybe it is a good opportunity to
sort of like let them see the un I mean,
masked is the wrong word, but just like the raw
version of you. But I think that there's blinds. I
think that there's like blind that you can cross also too.
(15:50):
I think that it's like there are moments where like
you want it to feel sexier, and there's almost where
you're like, I just want to be a shlub and
sit on the couch and read a book and have
you said next to me, and that's all I need
right now. I agree with you. I actually think it's
all about balance, is what I've decided for myself and
my boyfriend, because it's kind of like what you said.
It's awesome to be able to let your guard down,
(16:12):
and you want to be able to do that with
your partner, and especially if you're quarantining together. I mean
you're literally together all the time right now, so you know,
I mean, I'm not going to get dressed up every day.
I'm definitely not gonna put makeup one every day. I
keep making the joke that I like wake up and sweatpants,
and then I put on my workout clothes and then
I put on my nighttime sweatpants, and then it's like
(16:32):
it's like start that cycle over again, you know, Like
I never really like put on normal clothes in a day.
But what we've been doing, because what it what it
is for me is I start to feel just like
about myself. And I mean not to say that like, oh,
beauty is everything and you have to be dressed up
to feel beautiful, but if you're consistently in sweatpants and
(16:53):
pajamas and workout clothes over and over and over again,
you kind of do start to feel blah. And so right,
what we've been doing is like every now and again,
we'll do a dress up date night, which is just
still in our kitchen and we're still making the dinner.
But we get we call it fancy fancy dinner, but
we like dress up and I put makeup on, and
(17:14):
it does it makes it kind of makes it fun
and exciting again, and you want to remember why you're
attracted to these people that you're spending all your time with,
and it just makes you feel a little more like
playful and flirty. Totally. Yeah, I think it's good to
mix it up, but I also think it's important to,
you know, in a relationship, to make sure that like
(17:36):
that you're falling in love with like the essence of
each other versus like just make up. You know, like
because that is it's um nice clothes, because like those
things are somewhat superficial if you really want to get
to the bottom of it. But um, but if it
makes you feel sexier than you should absolutely do it,
you know, because it's gonna it's gonna affect how you,
(18:00):
um sort of lean into the relationship at certain points. Yeah,
I think that's right. Also, Like, how amazing is it
the idea of like coming out of this where it's
like I'm beautiful on the inside. I don't have to
like get up and like do my hair and do
my makeup every day and feel confident like sure, yeah,
because there are people I think there's lessons than that too. Yeah,
(18:22):
I think there's a lesson. There's gonna be some lessons
in that, um that come out of this. So um,
So I don't know how to answer it for this
anonymous friend. Um, I was laughing right now. I would say, Um,
if that's what it means for you to feel sexy,
then do it. If you can feel sexy without like
(18:45):
being all dulled up, then that's cool too. Right Again,
like I said earlier, I think it's about balance, And
I think you make a great point It's about doing
it for yourself, not necessarily like let me dress up
for my boyfriend. It's like what it makes you feel like,
and if it makes you feel better, sexier, more alive,
like some days I'm just literally like so sluggish because
(19:06):
I'm in my fucking house all day. So I think
that it's about how it makes you feel and if
that makes you feel good, then do it, girl, Do it.
You guys keep the emails coming to at casual at
velvet sa dot com or you can slide into my
d m s on Instagram at Velvet's Edge. Chip, do
you have any closing thoughts for us on hooking up
(19:28):
with friends? I mean ex's friends. Wow, that's a whole
another topic, you know what, Like there there are no
rules anymore. Look up with whoever you want to hook
up with. Yeah, okay, hook up, hook up with whoever
you want to hook up with via Chip and you
guys just always remember too. By
Okay, So a few weeks ago we talked about dating
and quarantine and how you just that's that's increased so
much for a lot of people, like this online dating stuff.
We talked to your friend Chris, who has been on
numerous dates, and he's like, yeah, he's like playing the
field in a major way. And that was fascinating to
me because I just thought I assumed dating would go down.
(00:21):
But you brought up an interesting topic to me this week,
and literally since you have said it, it's like I
cannot avoid articles about this. I'm getting emails about it
like it is everywhere, and that is hooking up with
your ex during quarantine. Yeah. Yeah, I mean I've seen
like the hook up stuff even just like the reconnecting,
(00:42):
you know, like just talking in general. Yeah, just hearing
from them out of the blue. It seems like that's
really starting to happen a lot. And I think the
longer we're in this, the more that we're going to
start seeing that happen. Why do you think this is
on such a rise right now? Well, look, I think
the main reason probably is lonely now us, you know,
and look it's I'm no psychologist, but you know, it's
(01:05):
when when we get lonely, we sort of lean into
what's comfortable with for us. And look, I also think
too that, um, not every relationship necessarily ends badly, so
we don't know the circumstances for a lot of these
people that we're reading about. So I know that I'm
still really friendly with most of my exes, So it
wouldn't be, um, anything other than like me truly checking
(01:27):
on someone if I checked in with them. Um, I mean,
my ex, my most recent acts, lives in Nashville and
is you know, he's not in a relationship, so he's
technically alone right now. So you know, Um, I and
we have communicated throughout this thing. So I was just
about to ask, really sure about this? I am certain
(01:49):
about it. I don't look, I mean, it's it was
We've been in communication, you know, prior to quarantine too,
so it wasn't It's not weird at all. But um, like,
what are you guys talking about? Though? Like you're just like, hey,
how are you surface level something? And sharing means you
know something. I mean, the clenavirus memes are on point.
We've made that, so yeah, so yeah, it's like I
(02:13):
do think that like you know, when you're in a
relationship with someone, they leave an indelible mark on your life.
And if just because you're not going to be together
forever doesn't mean that you don't have to care about them. So, um,
I do think some of it is literally just people
checking on people that they care about, um, others. You know,
it's probably a little bit of I got some human
(02:33):
desires and needs, Bill, and I would rather risk breaking
my heart than dying, you know, by like hooking up
with a stranger. So I think that there's probably just
someone that was so dramatic. I was like, where are
you going with this dying? We're acting casual today. I
don't have you forgot but acting casual sex. Yeah, well,
(02:58):
I will say we both. I mean, we have a
bunch of mutual friends, and honestly, the amount of sex
that our friends are having right now is that an
all time high. I'm so jealous. We'll get yourself out there, man,
come on, No, I know I know I should, but
I also like, look, I want to. I want to
you know, be as safe as possible too. So so
(03:20):
your point is it's safer to call an X, like
physically safer, you know, you're well, hopefully you're not going
to get murdered by this person that you've already dated,
versus get infected, you know. True. Um well, I would
trust a friend to say like I'm healthy or you know,
an X to be like I'm healthy. I haven't had
any signs. I haven't been around anybody like right over
(03:43):
some like random hook up online, you know, even if
you've been texting with them for a couple of weeks.
It's you know, and that's not to say that everyone
is a liar, you know, It's like I think it
just has to. It comes down to sort of your
comfort level and who you're willing to trust at this point.
So um, and I'm the first one to tell you
I kind of um see the best in everybody, so right,
(04:07):
I mean trusting me if I if I would just
let go, I probably hook up with a stranger to
like what if you we're talking about just like a
wear a mask, I mean sex with the mask on.
It's the new thing. Oh my god, you bring a
big plastic divider, you wear a hazmat suit with an opening.
(04:28):
That would get interesting? Yeah, um yeah, well it is
so interesting to me because, as we mentioned, a bunch
of our friends are you know, getting frisky and you
sent me an article from poush dot com and they're saying,
They're like, this is happening. This is everywhere, a lot
of people are doing this right now. If you do it,
just make sure to communicate before before anything get started,
(04:51):
like what your expectations are, Like, what do you want
from each other? Are you looking to reconnect just temporarily?
Is this like just a pandemic hook up or is
it something that you're open to you for the future. Yeah,
I think, um, I mean from the things that I've read,
it seems like a lot of it is a very
temporary fix. Um. But you know that said, it's you
(05:16):
never know what can happen when you reconnect ship. I've
got friends whose parents got divorced and ended up back together,
not because of the quarantine, but like I'm just I
just like put I'm putting that example out there because ship,
anything can happen when X is reconnect and everyone's every
relationship is different, follows a different storyline, and last a
(05:37):
different amount of time. So it's you know, it's hard
to generalize this topic because everyone's situation it's so different,
But I do think that, like you know, a lot
the cause of it in this time is boredom, truly
caring about people. I've also seen, like you know, a
lot of people are going into panic mode, so they're
(05:57):
questioning their iwnortality And it's sure ship Like, I don't
want to die and not have sex before I die.
Right if I'm going out, I'm going out having going
out with a bang. You know what I did there?
Do you see what I did there? We are here
all week. We are here all week only on Fridays
(06:18):
for being my friend, right, So yeah, And I have
no judgment towards these people. I mean, I I kind
of wish that I was a little bit more ballsy
and like taking it time to meet some people. But
I also to like, I cannot get my head out
of the gutter right now. And now you said ballsy
and I'm like, all these jokes are going through my
head five years old. Um No, I think what you
(06:40):
did just mention a really interesting point to me, and
that is, um that you know, the quarantine, it kind
of has like this whole pandemic happening. It's not anything
that any of us have gone through before. So for me,
I know, it's been a huge perspective switch, and like
the things that matter to me um are a little
different honestly then the things that mattered to me before.
(07:02):
And you know, my relationship for instance, we were actually
struggling a little bit right before the pandemic and this
was the best thing for us possible because we've taken
the time now to really refocus on the relationship, really
spend time together, and so it's been great for us.
I could see what you're saying, like maybe there's a
circumstance where you broke up, you know, right before the pandemic,
(07:24):
and then you're like, hold up a second. This person
did bring a lot of these amazing factors to my life,
and maybe it was just like a timing thing, or
we were too busy, we were putting too much focus
on work, you know, all of those things that, yeah,
are just the person that puts everything into perspective. Like
you said, it's like missing someone comes from a real place,
you know, so it's a real emotion that like if
(07:47):
you miss somebody, you have to like dig and be
like why why why am I feeling miss Like where
is this feeling coming from? And yeah, it's like if
you realize that you just broke up with someone because
they don't do the dishes the way that you like,
like that for stupid reason, you know, And then you
have to trust your your heart when it's saying I
missed this person so well. I think that's an interesting
(08:08):
point because the missing thing can be so many things,
right like are you actually missing the person or or
are you just lonely and you want to put a
band aid on that feeling? Right? Right? Yeah, So go ahead, evaluation. Yeah,
it's a good way to put it. Don't judge yourself
for having those feelings. Look inside and be like, Okay,
(08:29):
where are these feelings coming from? And is it like
a real place where reconnecting might actually be beneficial? Yeah,
I told you that. I literally could not escape this
topic since you brought it up to me. And I've
got this email yesterday from Amy Chan. She she's actually
been on the Velvet Edge podcast before. She's the founder
of this this event I guess you would call it,
or this workshop called Breakup boot Camp. She's amazing and
(08:52):
she really looks at working through emotions after breakups like
I think a lot of us, especially in our society,
are just so prog ammed to put a band aid
on those feelings, just move through it. But that's what
makes us keep making the same mistakes and relationships or
picking the same kind of relationships. And so she really
puts this focus on healing and looking within to figure
(09:14):
out what was really happening, why this breakup happened, why
this relationship didn't work, and all of that. So she
sent out these monthly emails and I got one yesterday,
and of course the topic is hooking up with an X,
and she has it's kind of a different mentality because,
you know, she said that the kind of what you're
talking about that you and your X we're texting about,
(09:34):
just saying are you okay? And you're just like, yeah,
I just care about this person I'm checking in. And
she says that maybe that isn't your full intention, Like
maybe it is important to do a little self evaluation,
like you're saying, and like, why do you want the
comfort of talking to this person in the moment? Are
you really wanting to talk to this person? Are you
really wanting to reconnect or are you just feeling anxious?
(09:58):
Are you feeling lonely? Are you feeling board? And you
just don't want to work through those emotions. Yeah, I mean,
it's it's a really good question. And I think, you know,
like I said, you have to sort of like look
at that emotion that you're feeling and figure out what
the root of it is, because I do think that
if it is boredom, you're going to regret making that
snap judgment and just sending the text and opening up
(10:20):
a can of worms, you know, Like, yeah, I think
you need to be certain that or just be resolute
in your decision, like I just need to get fucking
laid and this is comfortable to me, you know. And
the sex was and the sex was always a great part.
You know, that could certainly be a driver if if
that was the one thing that kept you together in
the first place, then maybe it's not a bad place
(10:41):
to go for a minute, you know. Sure. And I
think that's kind of what the Posh dot com article
was saying, is just make sure the expectations are talked
about before um amy though she does get and this
is a little like nerdy science stuff, which I love,
but you know, she talked a lot about when you
break up with somebody, you literally have to re hire
your neuropathways in your brain because we've become kind of
(11:03):
chemically dependent on another person when we're in a relationship
to meet our needs in certain ways to help us
not to be lonely, even like physically with sex. And
so when you break up, you have to rewire your
neuropathways to learn how to take care of those needs
yourself versus like relying on another person. And so yeah,
(11:25):
she really she really recommends thinking about that before you
text the X because you may have to go through
that whole uncomfortable process of rewiring those neuropathways again once
the pandemic is over, which would not Yeah, I wouldn't
really be fun because also in most cases, I mean
we talked about the situations where maybe maybe the breakup
(11:48):
didn't need to happen and maybe you can reconnect. But
in most cases, I do believe that when you break up,
like there's a reason, you know, and those reasons don't
just typically go away because the world goes into a pandemic.
So her to just mostly they focus on self care,
just helping yourself to alleviate those feelings, reaching out to
people that you can connect with, um that are safe
(12:11):
people you know, friends, I don't know, maybe making new
relationships if that's not a total fear place for you.
And she also just reminds us like it's not the
end of the world, which I think a lot of
us are feeling right now. You know that anxiety just like,
oh my god, it's gonna be I keep having this
feeling like this is going to be like this forever,
Like when am I ever going to see my friends again?
(12:31):
When am I ever gonna um go to a restaurant?
So maybe taking away some of that catastrophic thinking, right right,
I think that's really great advice. Yeah, so, um, yeah,
I don't know. I mean I think I could go
either way. I don't really have a judgment obviously, W
not casual here, we don't we don't make judgments, so
we're just delivering information. So whatever I want, I want
(12:56):
everyone to do what feels great to them, and it's say,
you know, absolutely keep yourself safe, but like and that
I mean not just from the pandemic, protect your heart
as well exactly. I think that's really great advice. If
you guys do have um situations where maybe you know
you've hooked up with an X or reconnected with an X,
(13:17):
and either it's worked out or it's gone terribly emails
that at casual at velvet dot com. I actually want
to know how this is going for people. Yeah, I'm
super curious. So your situation, y'all are just buddies. Yeah,
we're just friends at that point. So I really wanted
some juice for me. Fine, I wish I trust me.
I wish there was juice for me to spill. Yeah,
(13:40):
but unfortunately, I'm like, I'm gonna dialogue. There will be nurses,
there will be nurses. I'll come see you. Yeah, Okay,
let's get onto our listener email for the week. Uh,
(14:02):
this is from an anonymous person, but it's not really anonymous.
I know who it is. She She asked that we
keep her anonymity. Um, so we'll do that for her.
But she says, I am quarantining with my boyfriend and
every day I look like a giant grease ball. Should
I get ready for him or just shock him with
(14:22):
my beauty the time we the first time we go
out after the pandemic. Do you have any thoughts on
this chip? Well, I mean I can't speak directly to
that because I don't have a significant other than I'm
quarantining with. But my initial thought is like, I mean
some days it'll be four o'clock and I'm like, I
haven't brushed my teeth or my hair, and I so
(14:46):
and I'm doing a lot of zoom. So my the
only way I would relate to this is like I think, like, well,
at least I can't smell my breath, Like I'm gonna
tame this hair. I'm gonna I'm gonna throw a hat on.
Imagine if you don't connect everybody, like, oh my god,
it would suck. It would suck. I've been like practicing
(15:07):
better hygiene because I realized in the beginning of it.
In the beginning of like quarantine, I was just like
sort of letting that stuff go, like that's gross. Like
the only person who is losing in that situation is me,
so you know, be better on it. But yeah, my
poor dogs, except for their breath stinks. So i'd let
you know, let me speak to that manager. But no,
(15:29):
I my thoughts in terms of like with your relationship,
it's like it's maybe it is a good opportunity to
sort of like let them see the un I mean,
masked is the wrong word, but just like the raw
version of you. But I think that there's blinds. I
think that there's like blind that you can cross also too.
(15:50):
I think that it's like there are moments where like
you want it to feel sexier, and there's almost where
you're like, I just want to be a shlub and
sit on the couch and read a book and have
you said next to me, and that's all I need
right now. I agree with you. I actually think it's
all about balance, is what I've decided for myself and
my boyfriend, because it's kind of like what you said.
It's awesome to be able to let your guard down,
(16:12):
and you want to be able to do that with
your partner, and especially if you're quarantining together. I mean
you're literally together all the time right now, so you know,
I mean, I'm not going to get dressed up every day.
I'm definitely not gonna put makeup one every day. I
keep making the joke that I like wake up and sweatpants,
and then I put on my workout clothes and then
I put on my nighttime sweatpants, and then it's like
(16:32):
it's like start that cycle over again, you know, Like
I never really like put on normal clothes in a day.
But what we've been doing, because what it what it
is for me is I start to feel just like
about myself. And I mean not to say that like, oh,
beauty is everything and you have to be dressed up
to feel beautiful, but if you're consistently in sweatpants and
(16:53):
pajamas and workout clothes over and over and over again,
you kind of do start to feel blah. And so right,
what we've been doing is like every now and again,
we'll do a dress up date night, which is just
still in our kitchen and we're still making the dinner.
But we get we call it fancy fancy dinner, but
we like dress up and I put makeup on, and
(17:14):
it does it makes it kind of makes it fun
and exciting again, and you want to remember why you're
attracted to these people that you're spending all your time with,
and it just makes you feel a little more like
playful and flirty. Totally. Yeah, I think it's good to
mix it up, but I also think it's important to,
you know, in a relationship, to make sure that like
(17:36):
that you're falling in love with like the essence of
each other versus like just make up. You know, like
because that is it's um nice clothes, because like those
things are somewhat superficial if you really want to get
to the bottom of it. But um, but if it
makes you feel sexier than you should absolutely do it,
you know, because it's gonna it's gonna affect how you,
(18:00):
um sort of lean into the relationship at certain points. Yeah,
I think that's right. Also, Like, how amazing is it
the idea of like coming out of this where it's
like I'm beautiful on the inside. I don't have to
like get up and like do my hair and do
my makeup every day and feel confident like sure, yeah,
because there are people I think there's lessons than that too. Yeah,
(18:22):
I think there's a lesson. There's gonna be some lessons
in that, um that come out of this. So um,
So I don't know how to answer it for this
anonymous friend. Um, I was laughing right now. I would say, Um,
if that's what it means for you to feel sexy,
then do it. If you can feel sexy without like
(18:45):
being all dulled up, then that's cool too. Right Again,
like I said earlier, I think it's about balance, And
I think you make a great point It's about doing
it for yourself, not necessarily like let me dress up
for my boyfriend. It's like what it makes you feel like,
and if it makes you feel better, sexier, more alive,
like some days I'm just literally like so sluggish because
(19:06):
I'm in my fucking house all day. So I think
that it's about how it makes you feel and if
that makes you feel good, then do it, girl, Do it.
You guys keep the emails coming to at casual at
velvet sa dot com or you can slide into my
d m s on Instagram at Velvet's Edge. Chip, do
you have any closing thoughts for us on hooking up
(19:28):
with friends? I mean ex's friends. Wow, that's a whole
another topic, you know what, Like there there are no
rules anymore. Look up with whoever you want to hook
up with. Yeah, okay, hook up, hook up with whoever
you want to hook up with via Chip and you
guys just always remember too. By
Host
Kelly Henderson
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