August 14, 2019 • 60 mins
Being an empath is not a wildly discussed topic, yet Dr. Judith Orloff says that true empaths will save the world. So, what does being an empath really mean? Dr. Orloff explains everything from heightened senses to carrying others emotions to intuitive empaths who see the future or have dreams that come to life. Kelly discloses her own experiences of being an empath, what that looks like and how she is learning to navigate that while working as a hair/makeup artist/stylist in the music industry.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Dr Judith Orlov is a Board certified psychiatrist who specializes
in treating impaths and highly sensitive people. She is the
author of multiple books, including New York Times bestseller Emotional
Freedom and her current book, The Impath's Survival Guide. She
has been featured in The New York Times, OH Magazine, Forbes, USA, Today,
(00:20):
Wall Street Journal, Self, Cosmo, and many more. She has
also appeared on The Today Show, The Doctor Oz Show,
CBS Early Show, CNN, and she even has her own
tad Talk. I have so much respect for her that
for me, this interview was like interviewing the biggest celebrity
in America. Dr Orlov's books have helped me to begin
to understand the beauty of being a highly sensitive person
(00:42):
or EmPATH. I have never felt so seen or understood
as I did reading the words of her book, The
Impaths Survival Guide. We talk about the unique experience of
living life with open senses and sensory overload, why narcissists
are often attracted to impaths, and what being an intuitive
path truly means. Things like dreaming things before or as
(01:04):
they are happening, seeing the future, connecting with those who
have crossed over and I even talked about which type
of intuitive impath I identify with an experience regularly, which
is something I've never told anyone else. Here's our conversation. Okay,
so we can just go ahead and get started. UM.
I have to tell you that when I first started
(01:25):
reading your book, The Impaths Through Level Guide, I was
sobbing within the first four pages. Oh I have I've
never I've always kind of thought maybe I had empathic tendencies,
but I've never had someone explain it so well or
put into words what I was feeling. Um, So thank you.
(01:45):
That was it was much needed for me. Oh, you're
very welcome. I'm so glad that my words resonated. There
are so many of us empaths out there that no,
we need to know we're not alone. Right. So you
are a sort of five psychologists, but you're so passionate
about the topic of impaths because you yourself or an
EmPATH and you've had to learn some I'm actually a
(02:07):
psychiatrist and empty so yeah, and so I'm also an EmPATH.
So I combine my psychiatric skills with being an EmPATH,
which is a perfect perfect combination. Um. But my process
of becoming an EmPATH has an empowered EmPATH has been
a long one because I grew up believing there was
(02:30):
something wrong with me, and I always fantasized that a
spaceship would come and land in my front yard and
take me away to my true home because I didn't
really connect, you know, to other people or know any
other EmPATH growing up. What do you mean you felt
like something was wrong with you? I felt that my
ability to um sense energy or be intuitive, or to
(02:54):
be so sensitive to light, smells, sounds, talking, or being
able to door but other people's emotions into my own body,
I didn't know what was going on. And so my parents,
who are both physicians, told me, oh, dear, you just
need to get a thicker skin, and oh, you're overly sensitive,
which made me feel like there was something wrong with
(03:15):
me UM. And so, you know, I grew up you know,
feeling you know, not seen with the capital s and
empass needs to be seen. Empathic children need to be seen.
They need to be guided and nurtured and encouraged and educated.
And I had none of that, even though both my
parents were physicians and I come from twenty five physicians
(03:37):
in my family. UM, I felt alone, And I think
that's the common feeling that many empathic children have, and
I write about that in the em Past Survival Guide,
how many empathic children just feel so isolated and don't
connect and withdraw inside of themselves. And so it's just
(04:00):
I bring this up because it's a very common experience.
If you identify as an EmPATH. Here's an emotional sponge
who tends to be very sensitive and loving and open.
But you take on the angst in the stress of
other people you know as well as the positive. You
resonate with the positive. But the EmPATH don't have the
(04:22):
normal filters that people have, and so we feel everything right.
Can you explain what the difference between just having empathy
and being an EmPATH are? Yeah. Empathy is that beautiful,
precious quality of being able to have your heart go
out to somebody enjoy or in pain, and to really
(04:43):
feel for them and their experiences. But being an EmPATH
goes further than that. You feel for them, but then
you actually can take it on in your own body
where you almost become them and EmPATH. One of the
tools I talked about in my book are so essential
is how not to take on other people's stress, emotions
(05:06):
or anything else they're experiencing, you know, and how to
hold the space for someone but not take on the stress.
That's a powerful tool for empaths to learn, and most
of them don't learn unless they get specific education. And
that's why I wrote the book, because this liberates. Once
you learn these tools, your life becomes amazing and you
(05:27):
can experience the gifts of being an EmPATH. Intuition, the
connection to nature, the passion for living, sensuality um, creativity um,
being able to sense and know things about people and
the earth, you know, all of that. It's so much
fun and it's I so enjoy being an EmPATH. But
(05:49):
if you, you know, if everyone wants to enjoy the
beautiful parts of it, you have to learn self care
strategies in order to put them into practice so that
you don't or other people's stuff. Right when you you
talked about just the weight of that, and that was
kind of I think why I started crying when I
was first reading the book, because for so many years
(06:12):
I felt that like taking on other people's emotions. But
you can't really explain that to someone else who doesn't
feel that without sounding For me, I felt like without
sounding crazy, like I just I would come home. I
travel a lot for work, and I would come home
from these trips and I mean it would take me
days to recover. And it's because I was constantly with
(06:32):
people and taking on their emotions and like all of
the weight of that. Even if I'm in a really
good place in my life, I can hear I can
be around someone who's going through something and have to
take days to like grieve that or feel that or
all of those things because I'm carrying their emotions exactly exactly.
And what it's so liberating to learn is if you
(06:55):
notice that you're starting to take on somebody else's stuff.
Let's say you're with a client and you're up their anger,
you're picking up there o physical symptoms of some sort,
or their their anxiety. Then you can immediately at that
point we begin to breathe it out, begin to take
step not to take it on, because by this, let's
say you're out on the road for a week working
(07:17):
on a project. By the end of that week, you
might be a wreck because you're absorbing so much stuff
from everybody, And then it can take days, you know,
or even weeks to recover. Exactly well. You you describe
a lot that the impacts are sensitive people. I think
even on the cover of the book it's as life
strategies for sensitive people. But when I think about sensitive,
(07:38):
I think kind of like what your parents are saying,
like you need to grow a thicker skin. And I
think a lot of times that's kind of how it's
interpreted in our world. You know, like you just think
about sensitive like getting your feelings hurt easily. Um, But
what does that mean sensitive in regards to an impact
or being etastic? Are the traits that are going to
(07:59):
say the world. I mean, I feel really passionate about
it that's going on, you know, writing about it and
talking about it, is giving workshops on it. But I
I think that this quality in all human beings, except
for maybe a few like narcissists or sociopaths or psychopaths,
because they don't have empathy, that they have empathy deficient disorder. Um.
(08:20):
The empathy inside of you, Your ability to feel for
somebody else, um and see their point of view and
see that it's not us versus them but just one
human family. That's what empathy lets you know, and that
will save everything. It'll save your relationships. It'll save the planet,
It'll save you because you're not always you know, saying
(08:44):
oh it's that terrible person out there. You know. It's
about how can I be more loving and centered and
strong and um passionate and follow through with my dreams
without taking on my clients, stuff, my coworkers, stuff, myselfs
so you know, my children, how do how do I
(09:05):
do that? And that's you know, what the Empast Survival
Guide is about, and also thriving as an EmPATH, which
is self care strategies every day of the year, two
or sixty five days and what to do on January one,
what to do on June seventeen. Let to do around
the holidays, you know, when it gets super stressful and
(09:26):
there's so many, so many crowds out there, and people
are getting the impassed just at a horrible time because
they impass also tend to like one to one interactions
or small groups rather than large crowded stadiums or crowded
shopping malls. You know, we tend to absorb the energy
and crowded places because there's so many people there, um
(09:49):
and so over the holidays in particular, empass needs to
learn to follow their own intuition and you know, be
with one person, be with your animals, do whatever you
want at these don't have to go out and big
crowds necessarily, you know, buy if you're going to buy presents,
buy them online. I don't know, but there are lots
of lots of loving kind of strategies to practice over
(10:12):
times that are particularly over social, with a lot of
expectations to fit in a particular way of being. Right, Well,
if impats are going to save the world, let's talk
about how people become impats are our impaths? Because I
have so many questions about this. Um Is it something
(10:32):
because there's a lot in the book about you know,
children who go through trauma, or maybe children who grew
up in alcoholic families, possibly bringing or adopting some of
those characteristics of an impath because you have to kind
of guess people's emotions all the time and all of
those kind of things. But is this something you're born
with or do you learn it? Or is it both?
(10:54):
Like how does that work? Yeah? It can, It depends
on the case. I mean, some children are born then path.
When I did my medical training at USC, I was
working O. B. G. Y N and no and deliver babies,
and babies come out so differently. Some are like little
Buddhist sensing and feeling, and others are like more closed
(11:16):
and more protected, more guarded. It's just so interesting. So
I think genetics has a lot to do with it.
What we bring into this life when we're born. Sometimes
the birth experience can affect it. If you have a
traumatic birth, you know that that can already begin to
break down your barriers. Traumatic birth is what happens at birth.
(11:38):
It's really important. You know, how we enter this very
coarse life, you know, the earth point and how we
enter this from where we were before, you know, is critical,
and so that can affect our sensitivities and so it
can be genetic, it can be environmental. Um you could
(11:59):
have impacted parents and you could learn to be empathic
that way. That's the positive side of you know, having
empathic parents, as you can learn empathy and they could
support empathy in view. But let's say you have an
alcoholic parents or an arcissistic parent, then you probably weren't
seen as a little girl or a little boy, and
(12:20):
so you're beautiful talent of empathy and sensitivity and intuitions
were not seen, and probably they were denigrated and squashed now,
which is a trauma in and of itself. And so
a lot of empaths grow up and have ptsd um,
(12:40):
either from actual emotional or physical abuse or just from
not being seen and not being recognized for who you are.
That can cause a sort of trauma as well that
needs to be healed as an adult, and of course
it can be healed. And so much of it has
to do with inner child work, in reclaiming that beautiful
(13:02):
child who has left somewhere and somehow in your past
wherever the trauma occurred, and the work that I do
with patients, and also in thriving as an EmPATH. I
have a technique of reclaiming going back, doing a visualization
going back and reclaiming that beautiful empathic child is stuck
in some house that you lived in, and so you
(13:25):
need to go back and find the house where the
trauma happened and reclaim the child, bring the child back
home with you now, and say I will never allow
you to be hurt again like that. So it's powerful.
I'm making it short, but it's powerful inner child work
that many empaths need to do to reclaim it's almost
(13:47):
like a lost part of their their souls or empathic child,
you know, and bring that back into their life now,
which is so exciting, you know and wonderful and deliberating. Right,
what's the difference is or is there a difference between
that kind of EmPATH healing and just maybe a person
who doesn't identify as an impath who grew up in
(14:08):
a dysfunctional household or is it a similar process. It's similar,
but the dynamics are a bit different because the EmPATH
child is if you can imagine a sponge or just
an open system, you know, without any barriers, without any filters,
and you can imagine how the intensity of the experience
(14:30):
is upped. And plus the the EmPATH child often wants
to make it better for the parents because the EmPATH
empaths want to help, They want to make it better,
and so the impath child often takes on try, you know,
the anxiety of the parents. You know, I did that
with my mother. She was very anxious and I would
hold her hand and that energy would go into me.
(14:53):
And so as an adult, you know, I've really had
to work in my own healing process about you know
that was my mother and me and to have clear
boundaries with that. But you know that's the work that
some empaths need to do depending on their parenting. Right. Sorry, Oh,
it's all possible. You know, all of this is so
(15:15):
doable and it's so liberating. But these are just some
of the dynamics that you know, I work with as
a psychiatrist with my patients and I write about UM
and they're also doable because when you begin to work
with self healing in this way, you are free. Now
you don't have all that way on you anymore. And
if you learn how not to take on other people's
stuff and you really practice, not a lot is liberating
(15:38):
in and of itself, right, And you have so many
UM scenarios and techniques in the book of just little
visualizations you can do while you're in the moment. I mean,
for me, that's such a huge thing. Even when you're
talking about your experience with your mother. I mean, I
think for years I've been carrying so many different emotions
that probably aren't even line and through this process of healing,
(16:02):
I mean, and it's it's just it's such a big
weight you don't even realize, like how exhausting, that is.
But the chronic fatigue that you talk about a lot
in the book, that is something I identified with so much,
because no matter what I do or how much sleep
I get, I feel that. And I think it's from
carrying the weight of emotions. Yeah, it probably is. And
(16:24):
so what's so helpful is to journal about you know,
maybe two or three people from your childhood where you
think you took on their stuff. Was it your mother,
was it your sister with a friend, you know, and
really begin to sort through what it's really me, what
is really them? And then do I have a chord
cutting visualization in both books Actually and Thriving as an
(16:48):
EmPATH where you can cut the chord energetically between yourself
and that person. And it doesn't mean you cut off
the relationship. It means you cut off the bond to
whatever is dream you like anxiety. And it's really useful,
it really works, but you have to be ready. Yes,
you say, impacts feel things first and then they think,
(17:10):
which is the opposite of how most people function in
our over intellectualized society. So can you tell me more
about how an impath processes processes different scenarios differently than
you know, a normal person or a person who isn't
empathetic normal? What is normal? Yes, the impast feel empaths
(17:30):
are you know, have invisible penrols, just open feeling that
the world's impacts speak the language of energy, subtle energy,
which Chinese medical practitioners called she or shocked e um.
It's the invisible energy that you know in yoga you
activate it in the body with certain asaunas. So it's
(17:53):
energy and the body that impasts are exquisitely attuned to,
and they begins the world. They approach the world from
this energetic standpoint. They don't think their way through the world.
They feel their way through the world. First of all.
I mean they also have good intellects, but their first
way is to feel somebody as opposed to analyze what
(18:16):
they're saying or keeping an intellectual distance. If you stand
next to somebody in pain, unfortunately, many an pastis sit
there and their hearts go out and they take it on.
Or they're going by a homeless you know, community, and
they look look at it and the anguish there they
take on into themselves, you know. And and so that's
(18:39):
just how m past approach the world. So it's important
to learn very clear boundaries, you know, with what you
do and who you look deeply and into their eyes.
You know, you don't want to look deeply into everybody's
eyes because then you know, you'll pick up a lot
of stuff that is none of your business. And so
(18:59):
it's important to keep clear boundaries with you and other people.
I mean just last night, for instance, Um, I was
out to dinner with a friend and somebody came over
and I was introduced to them, and they reached out
their hand to shake my hand, and I just said,
you know, I don't really shake hands, and they said, okay,
you no. But the reason I don't is I don't
(19:20):
want to feel their energy. You know, I don't wanna.
I just don't want to deal with it. It's an
intimacy and I'm not interested in the strangers. So it's
just the choice they made. So you can pick up
stuff just by shaking someone's hand, Yeah, and past can
that's a there's a shocker and the poem that sends
out so much energy and so yeah, either through the hand,
(19:44):
through hugging, through eye contact, and so empass needs to
be discerning, not paranoid, but discerning about you know, who
you want to hug, you know, who you want to
look deep into their eyes. You don't want to look
into everybody's eyes because then you connect to their souls basically,
and you pick up stuff. No, or you know, how
(20:05):
much do you want to hug somebody? How much do
you want to shake their hands? It's all it's all
to you. And you know, in society, we're not used
to having these kinds of conversations. The boundary set just
they're afraid of. You know, the person will think I'm
impolite or they won't like me. Um. But in my experience,
that isn't what happens. It's just so not used to.
(20:27):
It's not used to. And I say it's so matter
of factly and lovingly. People usually just go okay, and
that's it. I mean maybe they talk about it afterwards.
I don't know, but you know, I'm good with it.
I don't say it like I'm afraid of being judged.
I say it like this is my boundary and please
respect it. I mean, you've had a lot of practice though,
(20:47):
right because I'm listening to you say that and I'm
thinking of myself, and there's been there's like a specific
instance I'm thinking of where a friend of mine was
dating a guy who the second he talked in the room,
I got um, I couldn't shut it off, Like the
energy was so bad to me that I was I
(21:07):
just started reacting when I would, but my reaction was
so big and so kind of inappropriate. I felt like
then I felt embarrassed, and I felt bad for my
friend later. But so, how did you learn how to
do what you just described? Um? Just self protection and
self care? Yeah, why I I feel I wrote this
(21:28):
whole book driving as an EmPATH on self care tickings.
If you have to learn what your truth is, and
it's not always If I could change as an EmPATH,
my sensitivity is very each day. Some days I'm more sensitive,
or if I'm tired, I have to take more care
of myself that are care of myself. Um. But it's
(21:49):
just a form of listening to your body. And so
I've learned, you know, I've learned how to take care
of myself so I could go out with people and
enjoy them, you know, and it just takes some practice.
I sometimes work with my patients where you know, I'm
I'm the stranger, I'm the person out in the world
and they're learning how the sick founders with me, you know,
(22:11):
so they could get practice, so you could practice with friends,
and I'm saying, you know, no, I'm not able to
go out, and I thank you for the invitations, you know.
Or if you're in an environment, like you said, where
the energy was bad, where you could excuse yourself, go
into the bathroom, meditate for a few minutes, center yourself,
and come into that environment in the more sensored place. Yeah,
(22:32):
you know, so you learned these little tricks and they
make a huge difference. That would have been a lot
better way to deal with it than I did. Yeah,
this was something that was super eye opening for me.
But you talked about just bright lights and loud noises,
how they can almost be painful, and I've always had
or I guess it's just that we're we're just our
(22:53):
senses are so much stronger because like I have to
have especially for sleep, it is a whole process for me.
Of there can't be any light, it has to have
I have to have a sound machine so I have
consistent noise. I'm very sensitive to smells, like I can't
handle or I smell something very fast that people would
(23:14):
never smell for you know, at all, even um my
phone ringer, I cannot ever have it on. It just
gives me anxiety, like the sound of that consistently coming
into my space. And that is just that was so
interesting because I've always just thought I didn't even think
about it. I just thought that was I didn't think
about why I was like that. But what is that? Um,
(23:38):
it's just a sense your sensitivity is turned up so
that these things that you know, you that feel on
a higher volume than other people to you. You know,
a lot of people are not walk around them or
they you know, are in their heads and when they're
in they're just in their heads all the time. They
don't they don't respond in the same way as somebody
(24:00):
who's more embodied and you know it has has more sensitivity.
But the secret is to honor that. You know, s
and m path, there's nothing wrong with you. You're not
quote overly sensitive. You need to have a beautiful house
with low lighting. You need to have the you know,
the tone turned off or down, or have some beautiful chimes,
(24:20):
you know, instead of a horrible ring. Um. You know,
you need to have smells that are nice to you.
You know, in your environment. So these are self pair
techniques and if it. Empaths have a particularly strong sense
of smell, and so you know, let's say you go
into an elevator and it's skilled as perfume. To too
(24:42):
many empaths, you can feel like you're being supitated so
strong and awful, and to other people they might say, oh,
what a nice smell you see so And I just
want to say, everyone listening, being an EmPATH it's not
better or worse than anything else. It's just a particular person, reality,
type and way of being in the world that has
(25:02):
gotten that hasn't been honored. And that's why I feel
so strongly about honoring it. So that people are pathologized.
Many many empacts come to me. They've been to psychiatrists,
they've been diagnosed with panic disorder, major depression, you know,
all kinds of things, chronic fatiguing, bibo mayalgia, and they
(25:24):
might have all these things, you know, so called diagnosed,
you know, the diagnostostic categories, but the underlying diagnosis of
being an impact was not made and so there was
no technique given to the to these people to work
with not absorbing other people stuff. And when you're on
(25:45):
sensory overload all the time, which happens with many impacts,
meaning they're just maxed out with their senses. Then the
stress hormone begin to flow, and then the adrenal glands
begin to overwork and they tend to get adrenal fatigue,
and so you know, it's a vicious cycle. But once
you learn how to turn down the excessive sensory input, oh,
(26:08):
it just feels so good, you know, and you're not
on overload which is so painful, you know, and most
of the time you're feeling really wonderful, you know, and
you can modulate the sensory input that comes in as
opposed to just medicating it. They're like most psychiatric you know,
people do well. Speaking of medicating, you also mentioned that
(26:31):
addiction is very prevalent among impasts. Is it because of
the sensory overload or we're just trying to turn that
stuff down. Well, sensory overload has a huge role in it.
And you know, many people become alcohol ecthoratics, and you
know that they go into recovery and they're also recovering
impacts because you know, empacts who have addictive tendencies turned
(26:54):
through drugs and alcohol or food, sex, no any anything addictive,
so no amounts their sensitivity. And so you know, there's
a chapter in the EmPATH Survival God on EmPATH and
addiction and fluid addiction in particular, it has many empaths
get really really fat because they need the armor to
(27:16):
protect themselves from the negative energy they're picking up. And
I wouldn't say many, I would say some. So it's
like a physical shield. You mean that the armor, the
fat provides armors so you don't feel as much. There's
just more mass between you and the world. And does
(27:38):
old time psychic heelers around the turn of the century
where typically really really obest women. They weighed three or
four hundred pounds, and they claim they needed to have
that weight on them in order to do their psychic
work so that they didn't take on the pain of
their clients. Mm hmm. No, I don't believe that you
need to weight on you and I know pretty sin.
(28:02):
But you know, there's a section in the book on
impounds and food with you know, a bunch of techniques
to use other than eating to protect yourself. Let's talk
about empaths and relationships, because this was a super mind
blowing section to me. Um, you mentioned that a lot
(28:24):
of impaths are attracted to unavailable people. Why right, Well,
most fantasts who comes to me, let's say, they want
to find their soul mate or they want to find,
you know, somebody to really connect to us on a
deep level. And yet they can't find anybody. And so
(28:44):
you know, why is it u um? You know, people say, oh,
they're just not a lot of good men and women
out there. That's a line the huge recently and you know,
yes and no, um, because empacts unknowingly like on a
elable people, because they won't get overloaded by the experience
(29:05):
that intimacy if they haven't learned to navigate that. So
if they're constantly wondering why this guy hasn't called, you
know on a deep level, that's a lot safer than
being in an intimate relationship and having to talk with
them about I need my alone time and this doesn't
you know, mean that I don't love you, you know,
having those kinds of conversations because they don't really know
(29:27):
how to have that. And in any relationships, you need
to protect your personal space. You need to map out
alone time. You may not even want to live with
a person, and you might not want to have separate
homes or separate wings or separate bedrooms. There's a whole
new paradigm of how to be together in a couple.
If you're an impact that I talked about in the
em Past Survival Guy, and it's important to read about
(29:51):
those questions that you need to bring up with a mate.
So relationships aren't proper with too much togetherness, task get overloaded.
I could never be with somebody all the time. It
was driving insane to be with somebody constantly because I
need I need my a long time. I need to
have my separate space I wanted. I've been living with
(30:13):
someone for six years, and you know it works because
he's able to hear my feedback. You know, if I
need to be alone, if I need to sleep alone,
if I need to go in the backhouse, if I
need not to talk, UM, if I'm feeling overloaded and
(30:35):
it's not the best time to have a conversation. UM.
They are all kinds of issues that come up. You know,
if I want to leave a social events because you
know I'm maxed out, and he's not an emtitact, so
he doesn't respond in the same way that I do,
Thank God. Well, I was just going to ask that,
(30:55):
do you see two impast being together more often than not?
Or do you see one EmPATH and one non EmPATH
like what seems to be more common? Its all personal preference.
Some EmPATH prefer each other, and some empaths like we
prefer non EmPATH. No, there's a type of person that
(31:16):
I talked about in the book called the rock. Somebody
who's strong and steady and it isn't swayed by the
winds of life, and it's just you know, maybe you know,
it doesn't have that extreme empathy, but they have a
good heart. You know. I did best with that type. No,
as opposed to someone is feeling something right that seems
(31:38):
like it would be major hand. Yeah, too much for me,
would be too much, you know. Sometimes for me, I
want to connect to people in that way like the
one another impath, in the way that we can understand
each other. But you're right, like, if I think about it,
(31:59):
in a relationship, some times I need someone to pull
me kind of out of all of the feelings and
not be as quite as emotional or as sensitive as
I am. Right right, the ground is yeah, yeah, exactly. Um,
so energy vampires are also another part of the relationship
aspect of this book. This was fascinating to me. You
(32:21):
say narcissists are attracted to impasse. Oh, there's a toxic
attraction between narcissists and empasts. And in the chapter on
empasts and well, um, narcissists full blown let's say, full
blown narcissists, not just those of narcissistic traits. Full blown
narcissists are not capable of empathy. They have what's called
(32:42):
empathy deficient disorder. So basically this is so hard for
empast tickets. They don't really care about what you're feeling,
you know, they only care about it in the sense
of how it might serve them. But this is very
confusing because in the beginning of the relationship they put
on a false and pathic front. Right, It's very confusing.
(33:08):
But what I you know, tell my patience is just
be aware of really charismatic people are overly charming people
because a lot of times they're narcissists. Narcissists have charmed unbelievable.
You feel that electrical lightning experiences them. Bam, you know
you're alert in your senses, are awake, and you know
(33:31):
it's just an amazing, that lightning striking experience you can
deal with narcissists. So you've got to really take a
step back if that happens, just to make sure you're
partners and a narcissist. And you know in the book
there's certain traits you look for and and it's tried
and true with every narcissist you know. So I suggest
(33:53):
two people is empassed. If you think somebody's a narcissist,
just provoke a little conflict in the beginning whatever, Just
don't do something their away and see how they respond,
because narcissists typically get cold withholding, punishing, and their true
self comes out. But if they aren't a narcissist, they
(34:13):
would say something like, oh, thank you for telling me
your needs. Now I can better reachpect. Though you know,
the narcisist wouldn't say that unless they were trying to
manipulate you. I'm thinking they're all my dating past as
you talk, I think that, yeah, oh my gosh, yes,
like I have been in multiple relationships with nar narcissists. UM.
(34:39):
I don't think yeah until I read that in the
book about the part of um them putting on the
show for a while, because that's I think it's such
a confusing thing. It's a you know, you get really
confused on what is chemistry and then what is that
toxic connection that you're talking about between the narcissist and
the impass right. Just provoke a conflict with an excellent
(35:02):
if you think and see how they react. Because if
you're all you know in the you know, blaze over
with passion and you know an expectation, you're not going
to see the real person. But if you can just
take a breath, say okay, you know, I'm going to
provoke a conflict and see what see how this person responds,
(35:23):
then you can bring out their true colors more quickly.
And also you need to see how they treat other people. Yeah,
they treat the starking lot of tendancyl they you know,
treat the food server. You know, if they're nasty to
certain people, then that's how they're going to be with you.
You know, you want to have somebody who's kind to everybody.
(35:47):
You know, he cares about the earth and cares about
other people. And narcissists don't genuinely care. So they care.
They they'll they'll give you positive strokes. If you admire them,
if you told them good job they did, you know,
what an incredible person they are. I mean that they
have sofa. But in terms of loving you, now, yeah,
(36:16):
I mean I work with a lot of celebrity clients.
So that's such a narcissistic world in general. You know,
it's kind of it breeds that just because of the
nature of the job. So I think I'm almost used
to that, but it's very eye opening. I'll have to
test it out. Yeah, But in the I want to
make the distinction there are people just with narcissistic traits
(36:38):
who are not full of own narcissists. So they just
have some qualities of self absorption, but they may have
the goopacity, you know, for caring. If they go into
therapy or if they go into coaching, then they have
If they go into twelve step program, that's very helpful
for narcissists, the actics or alcoholic because then they have
to be of service to other people part of the program,
(36:59):
you know. So you know, there are those let down
on the scale who are not full blown narcissists. You know,
in the entertainment community that that you're in. So I
wouldn't suddenly, you know, say everyone if I don't think
that's fair, but I want to say that, you know,
(37:19):
with makeup artists and with you know, anybody who has
close physical contact other people because you're working on them,
that for EmPATH is very rough. I've had a lot
of patients in those situations are hairstylists. You know, it's
very rough because not only do they people tend to
tell you their life stories. You know, you're near their
(37:42):
energy field picking up stuff all the time. So you
need to take special time to replenish yourself. You know,
in terms of meditation, getting in water, you know, hot baths,
showers that helps to cleanse you, staging or burning sweet grass,
you know, in your your environment, medication, breath, yoga, getting
(38:05):
out in nature. You needed to have all those things
going on to balance out your experience with being so
close to the public. Right Over the years, I've actually
gotten to the point where you know, I have my
kind of my set clients that I have learned to
work with because I am so close to them. Um
and I have a hard time taking on new people
(38:27):
at this point because of that exact reason. It's exhausting
to me. UM and this is actually, this is why
I even wanted to do this podcast in general. I
got a message from one of my followers on my
Instagram at Velvet's Edge, and she is a hairstylist. She
works in the bridle industry, but she said, the beauty
industry is a place where people feel vulnerable. Many times,
(38:49):
I'm dealing with insecurities, feelings, and stressful wedding chaos. I
know they are not directly related to me, but I
can't help but still be affected by it. I can
often feel the atmosphere of the vibe of the room
without anyone saying a word. Since I know you're in
the music industry and probably handle large personalities who are
perhaps feeling the pressure, public expectations and criticisms of the media,
(39:09):
what are some ways as an impath that you are
able to power through and do your job well without
letting the atmosphere affect you? And I don't know. I mean,
you can probably speak to this better than me, because
I literally just learned five new techniques in your book,
because I think I was just shutting down. You know
I would if I That's what I was saying. When
(39:30):
I travel, I come home and it's hard for me
to function. It takes me a couple of days, which
isn't realistic, especially if you're in a relationship or if
once I have kids, those kind of things like that
is not a good way to live, you know. No,
I mean that's for I mean in both books, but
in Thriving Us an m Past, I offer a self
(39:52):
care technique per day that you can use in environments,
you know, such as you know, being in public or
having to deal with a lot of different energy us
in an office environment. But in terms of what you
can do, um, the first thing you need to do
is learn how to use the breath to breathe out
negative energy and to you know, when you go into
(40:13):
an environment, be aware in your of your body does
need to feel good or does this not feel good?
So that you can kind of tie trate the you
know that if you get the feeling in the room,
you can read the room and then you can take
care of yourself in specific ways as a result. But
I just want to say some rooms are fantastic to
walk into, you know, the energy is so good. You know,
(40:36):
some yoga studios or you know concerts or you know,
beautiful sanctuaries of people create, you know, for retreat centers
just beautiful, you know, and it's just an empat feast
for the senses. UM. But if you're you know, around
the public, then you have to you know, develop some
kind of meditation practice so that you learn to center
(40:58):
your energy. There's a three minute heart meditation that I
describe in the book where you breathe, you breathe out stress.
It's critical to know that the breath when you breathe out,
that breathe out the stress or toxicity. You don't want
to hold your breath in life, because that's what people
do if you're around an energy vampire amount to, people
get afraid and hold their breath and that's the worst
(41:21):
possible thing. You have to breathe out and breathe out
any negative energy that you're you're picking up for any fear.
And then you need to you know, get used to
excusing yourself if you're feeling overwhelmed, just to go to
the bathroom so that you can meditate for three minutes,
center yourself, you know, feel stronger, and then come back
(41:44):
out in terms of the situation. UM. And then also
learning how to set clear limits and boundaries essential for
encount learning that no is a complete sentence. You know, no,
I'm sorry, I can't meet you at you know, midnight
tonight to do your hair. I can't do it. You know,
I'm tired, or I'm not able to do it, and
(42:06):
learn how to you know, set limits you know with
people and say set limits nice, firm and loving and short.
You don't want to get into it with people you know,
or no, I'm not able to you know, stay for
three hours, but I'd love to come for one hour.
To be able to control your environment a little bit
(42:27):
more um and then also know what your emotional triggers are,
because what you're triggered by and other people is what
drains you. For instance, if you if your trigger as anxiety,
if somebody starts getting anxious around your client is anxious,
then your anxiety button's going to get triggered. And that's
(42:47):
like a super drain when your triggers are activated. And
so no part of being an empact includes self healing.
You know where you say, okay, you know where is
my anxiety coming from? You didn't come from my mother?
You know? How can I you know, separate that bond
with her so I don't take it on anymore. So,
(43:08):
it's it's a lot of knowing yourself now and also
getting into water as quickly as possible, taking breaks, you know,
not having a schedule where you just go from one
thing to the next, to the next to the next.
I mean, I I limit the amount of socialized and
I do because I enjoy it. But I don't. I
can't do it all the time. It's just too much
(43:30):
for me, too much input. And that's fine, you know,
it's fine for me. You know, I say no to
a lot of the events, so that's fine too. But
I don't just go and torture myself, you know, and
just get exhausted if I you know, when I go
I can sense my body when I go on a
little bit of overload, you know, Voices sound louder, lights
(43:52):
become right, and it's just too much, you know, it's
like signals, red flags. All right, that's fine, just get quiet,
let's take care of your show. And so I'm I
want to emphasize I'm continued continuing to learn this. This
is a lifelong process of tweaking and listening to yourself,
and it's beautiful. I wouldn't have it any other way.
(44:14):
I love this you know, I love being sensitive. I
love you know, being able to see into people and
read people. And an impast can tell if somebody is
being inauthentic. You know, you can feel it in your gut.
You know something's off, and that's that's a plus. Yeah,
you want to know that, but you also want to
(44:34):
listen to it, which many empass don't. And many empacts
or people pleasers, so they have to begin to deal
with that in themselves. Now, you don't want to have
to please everyone. At times, you will disappoint people. You know,
you need to break it to you. I mean, I'm
definitely a people pleaser, but it's something I've been working on.
I'm a recovering people pleaser. We'll say it that way.
(44:56):
Yeah that's great, Yeah, yeah, right, recovering people. But for
empass to compassionately deal with all of these things in
themselves and to find people in jobs and situations but
feel good to you, you know, and to create a
life that's you know, let's say you love the ocean.
Let's say the ocean is impass like water. Go try
(45:20):
and live by the ocean where you can do that,
you know, go follow where you're most comfortable. So you're
not living in the city when you really want to
be by the ocean. Well, I think it's so interesting too,
about getting to know yourself and allowing yourself to not
have to do everything like for me a lot of times.
(45:42):
I mean, I'm in my thirties, I feel like I'm
striving to build a business kind of thing, and I
do it a lot of times where I'm just constantly going,
and that is what is very praised, I feel like
in our society, but it does not ever pan out
right for me, Like I end up exhausted. I do
(46:02):
not feel like I bring my best self to the
table when I do that, when I'm not taking care
of myself. But it is hard for me to say
it's okay to not do that, or it's okay to
take this time off, or it's okay to not be
going constantly like everyone else. I have never been able
to one let myself off the hook, but I've never
(46:22):
been able to move like other people. So it's hard
for me not to feel shame about that. If that
makes sense. About sitting limits your yeah, because I feel
like a lot of people around me, I watched them
just go, go, go go, and I think a lot
of programming in me. I don't know if this is
common for most people. Is that that is the key
(46:45):
to success is to strive and to go and to
keep doing. And I can't do that. Well that's a
good thing, I know that. But the secret is to
take many breaks and to not never sched go back
to back to back too much. That's a recipe for exhaustion.
And then you won't want to go out for a
(47:05):
week after that. Yeah, so that's not going to serve
you either. So it's about balance. It's about balance. Let's
say you're invited, I don't know, you know, three events
in one day, you know, at least take a half
hour or an hour, you know, to meditate, to be quiet,
just turn down the stimulation between the events. You know.
(47:28):
That helps a lot, the mini breaks for business people, yeah,
it really helps a lot. It makes you calmer. I
mean for me, when I when I'm feeling sensory overload,
I take even three or four minute breaks. It feels
just like I'm being replenished again. Just don't talk to anybody,
(47:48):
you know, close your eyes, meditate, close the shade, you know,
just be quiet, or play some lovely music whatever. Just
shift your state and then you can go back to
the world of people after them. Do you you talk
about most introverts being I mean most impacts being introverted,
But can you be extroverted because I'm not sure I
(48:10):
fully identified with an introvert. Yeah. Yeah. In the book,
I talked about both introverted and extroverted EmPATH interfer you know,
like staying at home, like being with their animals at home,
you know, like having one person over, you know, like
watching movies. You know, don't go a lot out to events,
but they're extroverted empast You love to socialize. But the
(48:33):
key is that you have to have downtime out to
your social life so you can decrease your stimulation level.
You can't just go from one thing to the next.
Extroverted EmPATH that I work with have to learn that
can you be both at different times? You could have
a need, you know, you might go through a phase,
(48:54):
you know where you're more introverted, and that might be
related to the seasons. This also related to the winter
season where people m m you know, because I follow
the seasons and you know, the phases of the moon,
and you know, I believe all that effects EmPATH. It's
just something I'm very connected to in my spiritual practice,
(49:14):
which is a bots practice. And so you know, on
the full moon and new moon, I special prayers and
meditations and connections. You know, just feel the cycles of life.
You know. Empaths can do that if they want to.
They could be intench with the cycles of length. And
some cycles of nature are quieter and more inward and
(49:35):
others are more outward and socializing. So you have to
listen to your body and connecting to nature is one
thing that impass you know a lot of times love
doing so, you know, one of the gifts of empaths
is a high level of intuition. What does it mean
to be an intuitive impath? Are all empaths intuitive empathts
(49:59):
have a certain amount of intuitions um, but the intuitive
empaths often have extremely strong intuitions UM. Or you can
senseless going on in other people. You can get visions,
or you can you know, get knowing, or you can
get strong ah feelings or all of a sudden something
becomes clear um. And it's about inner listening where your
(50:23):
body tells you you know various things about people or
they're also dream EmPATH You know, I've been recording my
dreams since I've been a little girl and following their
guidance because I'm so connected to that realm. So some
empass the form of intuition, they connect with the dreams.
So it just varies. So, you know, some empaths are
(50:47):
connected to plants, plant EmPATH or animal EmPATH, our earth
EmPATH or you can be particularly connected to the Earth changes,
so if you have the sensitivity, it can be directed
to so many different areas and and some empaths have
more of a specialty, you know, Let's say they're you know,
(51:08):
more an intuitive impath and they connect to animals or
they connect to the earth. So it's it's good, you know,
in those cases to live near the earth there just
spend a lot of time, you know, with the earth,
because that's very nurturing. The two I related with the most.
You describe all of the different kinds of intuitive impass
(51:29):
in your book, But the two I related to the
most where the telepath and the dream, which I think
for most of my life has what has been what
has made me feel a little crazy like I have not.
I wanted to say those things out loud because they're
really kind of strange almost, like especially the telepath one
that happens to me a lot um where I think
(51:51):
something and you know, the most recent one that happened
to me was a couple of months ago. I was
just walking up the stairs and had flash of my
grandmother falling for random reason. I mean, I was I
haven't even I hadn't talked about my grandmother or talked
to her in weeks. It was so strange, and I
was like, Wow, that was so weird. I wonder why
(52:12):
I thought that. Maybe just because I was walking upstairs.
I don't know, it just like it was this flash
and I saw her actually falling, and I got a
call from my mom the next morning that she had fallen,
had a pretty bad fall. And um, that has happened
to me so much throughout my life. But it's it's
weird and it's scary what you addressed in the book,
because you almost are like, oh my god, did I
(52:33):
cause that? Or what what was that? Like? Why did
that happen? Right? Yeah? Yeah, Um, it's because you loved somebody.
The intuitive bond in the connection with them is very strong,
and so if they're in trouble or something's going to happen.
That's often a wilder signal, so it gets transmitted through
the wavelength, you know whatever there. It gets transmitted from
(52:55):
one heart to another. And you obviously love your grandmother
very much. You're you're connected to her and to me.
From my frame of reference, it's not weird at all.
It's our natural human capacity at its peak. It's finest
to be able to connect to people that way. And
at first at my first book, second Site was about
(53:17):
you know, growing up as an intuitive, empathic child and
all those things you mentioned, you know, feelings that somehow
I caused it, you know, or there was something wrong
with me, and you know, kind of dispelling that, and
then how I give it as a doctor, um, but
you didn't cause it. You're just open, you know. It
sounds like you're a very open, intuitive, loving person, and
(53:42):
you need to, you know, learn some skills not to
take on too much, you know, because empaths tend to
overhelp and get involved with things that are none of
their business. You have to you know, each person is
in their own lane. You know, you might overlap, but
each person has their own path to be on, so
(54:02):
you stay in your own lane and it's not your
job to take on the world's suffering. Empaths need to
learn that it doesn't help the world doesn't help you.
What does help is if you learn how to hold
space for people so that you can provide, you know,
a loving environment for somebody to go through their own
(54:23):
pain or their own path without getting overly involved. That's
that's another skill to be learned as an EmPATH, and
I do discuss that in this book. I love that
you finished the book with a chapter about just the
gifts of being an EmPATH. What would you what would
you say The greatest gifts of being an EmPATH are
(54:46):
um the ability to love very deeply and to connect
with human beings, with nature, with life, to be able
to feel, you know, with capital f you know, the
flowers and the ocean, and and you know, beautiful people
that you could connect to, and to be of service
to others. You know. My work as a psychiatrist, that
(55:09):
allows me to sense what others people are feeling, so
I can kind of get it from their angle, you know,
and that gives me, you know, a deep perception into them.
That's very important to me. I think the most important
thing to me is connection, you know, It's how we
connect to ourselves, to the people we love, to the
(55:30):
people you know, my patients. That depth of connection, my
being an empast really really helps with that. And I
love that. I love the quote that you say in
that chapter. It's from environmentalist David Or and he says
the planet does not need more successful people. The planet
desperately needs more peacemakers, more healers, restores, storytellers, and lovers
(55:52):
of all kind. It needs people to live well in
their places. It needs people with moral courage willing to
join the struggle to make the world habitable and humane.
And these qualities have little to do with success as
our culture defines it. So how would you say you've
found success as an impath to the power of my
(56:14):
heart and not being afraid m being able to expand
my sensitivities and and teach it of it. I'm very
happy about that that I'm gonna the opportunity, has the
opportunity to teach others how to work with their empathy
in a positive story. Well, I know it's just but
and if you squash it, you pay a big price
(56:36):
because of the huge gift, right, I know, it's been
a great gift to me that you're talking about this,
and for any of you guys listening, if you've related,
or you're just intrigued by learning more about impaths, or
maybe even you're in a relationship when I highly recommend
Dr Olaf's book The Impast Survival Guide for me. It's
(56:58):
been the best breakdown an explanation I've heard about what
it's truly like to be an EmPATH, um, and also
how to value your gift. You do have a new
book coming out called tie. It's titled Thriving as an Impath,
which we talked about a little bit, but it's a
daily reader. Can you kind of explain what it's going
to be about. Yeah, it's three hundred and sixty five
(57:18):
days of self care practices for empast, so you could
turn to January one and get a self care practice UM.
And so it's tiny, bite size techniques that you can
apply on how not to absorb other people's energy, how
to be your best self, how now to to express
your empathy and healthy ways. And I've divided it into
(57:40):
the seasons and the phases of the moon. So now
that's awareness of nature and the cyclical nature of the
year is brought into it. UM. And I also have
an IMPAST Survival Guide online course on my website, which
is nine video lessons that I give on training IMPAST
and various uh various area, then Paths and Love, antas
(58:04):
and work and Paths and Emotions UM or you know.
I also have workshops and giving one October five in
San Francisco, California, Institute for Integral Studies and then October
New York the New York Open Center. And it's on
my website d R Judith or Law dot com so
they can find all the dates on your website. It's
(58:24):
is when Just Driving as an EmPATH come out. Um.
You can preorder it now, but it's um coming out
in October, and I'm doing a book tour, so I'll
be traveling around talking about it. If you'd like to
join me, amazing. And then are you on social media? Um?
I am. I'm on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. Is it just
(58:46):
at Dr Judith or Law Yeah, and I noticed too, UM.
I also requested to be a part of this Facebook group.
By the way, but there is UM a Facebook group
for in paths to connect with each other, right all right,
It's called dr orlof Impounds the poor community with almost
(59:06):
fifteen thousand empaths grow up having amazing conversation that is
free to join. Yes, I love that. That to me.
I read a lot about this in your book too,
But just having other impaths to connect with and talk
to you and learn different techniques for you know, surviving
or getting through I love that. Yeah. Yeah, it makes
(59:28):
all the difference. You're not alone. There's so many impounds
out there, so you want to really connect with the
community and and find life minded people where you don't
have to start and reinvent the wheel every time when
you talk to them. Yes, Dr Olaf, thank you so
much for being here. I so appreciate it, and I
know that everyone else listening probably does as well. Oh,
(59:50):
you're very welcome. It was fun you guys. Check out
Dr orlov and you can find all the dates to
her new book book release and the Impast Survival Guide
on doct or judith Orloft dot com. Thanks for listening.
This is Kelly Henderson and you've been listening to the
Velvet Edge podcast. I truly believe that every one of
us has a little velvet and a little edge, so
(01:00:12):
it's so important to remember that to be strong, you
must be soft too. Thank you so much for sharing
in those stories with me. You can follow velvet's Edge
on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, as well as velvet's Edge
dot com. If you have it yet, go to Apple
Podcast and subscribe, rate and review this podcast. Join me
every Wednesday for more conversations on lifestyle, beauty, and relationships.
(01:00:35):
Thanks for listening.
Dr Judith Orlov is a Board certified psychiatrist who specializes
in treating impaths and highly sensitive people. She is the
author of multiple books, including New York Times bestseller Emotional
Freedom and her current book, The Impath's Survival Guide. She
has been featured in The New York Times, OH Magazine, Forbes, USA, Today,
(00:20):
Wall Street Journal, Self, Cosmo, and many more. She has
also appeared on The Today Show, The Doctor Oz Show,
CBS Early Show, CNN, and she even has her own
tad Talk. I have so much respect for her that
for me, this interview was like interviewing the biggest celebrity
in America. Dr Orlov's books have helped me to begin
to understand the beauty of being a highly sensitive person
(00:42):
or EmPATH. I have never felt so seen or understood
as I did reading the words of her book, The
Impaths Survival Guide. We talk about the unique experience of
living life with open senses and sensory overload, why narcissists
are often attracted to impaths, and what being an intuitive
path truly means. Things like dreaming things before or as
(01:04):
they are happening, seeing the future, connecting with those who
have crossed over and I even talked about which type
of intuitive impath I identify with an experience regularly, which
is something I've never told anyone else. Here's our conversation. Okay,
so we can just go ahead and get started. UM.
I have to tell you that when I first started
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reading your book, The Impaths Through Level Guide, I was
sobbing within the first four pages. Oh I have I've
never I've always kind of thought maybe I had empathic tendencies,
but I've never had someone explain it so well or
put into words what I was feeling. Um, So thank you.
(01:45):
That was it was much needed for me. Oh, you're
very welcome. I'm so glad that my words resonated. There
are so many of us empaths out there that no,
we need to know we're not alone. Right. So you
are a sort of five psychologists, but you're so passionate
about the topic of impaths because you yourself or an
EmPATH and you've had to learn some I'm actually a
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psychiatrist and empty so yeah, and so I'm also an EmPATH.
So I combine my psychiatric skills with being an EmPATH,
which is a perfect perfect combination. Um. But my process
of becoming an EmPATH has an empowered EmPATH has been
a long one because I grew up believing there was
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something wrong with me, and I always fantasized that a
spaceship would come and land in my front yard and
take me away to my true home because I didn't
really connect, you know, to other people or know any
other EmPATH growing up. What do you mean you felt
like something was wrong with you? I felt that my
ability to um sense energy or be intuitive, or to
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be so sensitive to light, smells, sounds, talking, or being
able to door but other people's emotions into my own body,
I didn't know what was going on. And so my parents,
who are both physicians, told me, oh, dear, you just
need to get a thicker skin, and oh, you're overly sensitive,
which made me feel like there was something wrong with
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me UM. And so, you know, I grew up you know,
feeling you know, not seen with the capital s and
empass needs to be seen. Empathic children need to be seen.
They need to be guided and nurtured and encouraged and educated.
And I had none of that, even though both my
parents were physicians and I come from twenty five physicians
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in my family. UM, I felt alone, And I think
that's the common feeling that many empathic children have, and
I write about that in the em Past Survival Guide,
how many empathic children just feel so isolated and don't
connect and withdraw inside of themselves. And so it's just
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I bring this up because it's a very common experience.
If you identify as an EmPATH. Here's an emotional sponge
who tends to be very sensitive and loving and open.
But you take on the angst in the stress of
other people you know as well as the positive. You
resonate with the positive. But the EmPATH don't have the
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normal filters that people have, and so we feel everything right.
Can you explain what the difference between just having empathy
and being an EmPATH are? Yeah. Empathy is that beautiful,
precious quality of being able to have your heart go
out to somebody enjoy or in pain, and to really
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feel for them and their experiences. But being an EmPATH
goes further than that. You feel for them, but then
you actually can take it on in your own body
where you almost become them and EmPATH. One of the
tools I talked about in my book are so essential
is how not to take on other people's stress, emotions
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or anything else they're experiencing, you know, and how to
hold the space for someone but not take on the stress.
That's a powerful tool for empaths to learn, and most
of them don't learn unless they get specific education. And
that's why I wrote the book, because this liberates. Once
you learn these tools, your life becomes amazing and you
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can experience the gifts of being an EmPATH. Intuition, the
connection to nature, the passion for living, sensuality um, creativity um,
being able to sense and know things about people and
the earth, you know, all of that. It's so much
fun and it's I so enjoy being an EmPATH. But
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if you, you know, if everyone wants to enjoy the
beautiful parts of it, you have to learn self care
strategies in order to put them into practice so that
you don't or other people's stuff. Right when you you
talked about just the weight of that, and that was
kind of I think why I started crying when I
was first reading the book, because for so many years
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I felt that like taking on other people's emotions. But
you can't really explain that to someone else who doesn't
feel that without sounding For me, I felt like without
sounding crazy, like I just I would come home. I
travel a lot for work, and I would come home
from these trips and I mean it would take me
days to recover. And it's because I was constantly with
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people and taking on their emotions and like all of
the weight of that. Even if I'm in a really
good place in my life, I can hear I can
be around someone who's going through something and have to
take days to like grieve that or feel that or
all of those things because I'm carrying their emotions exactly exactly.
And what it's so liberating to learn is if you
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notice that you're starting to take on somebody else's stuff.
Let's say you're with a client and you're up their anger,
you're picking up there o physical symptoms of some sort,
or their their anxiety. Then you can immediately at that
point we begin to breathe it out, begin to take
step not to take it on, because by this, let's
say you're out on the road for a week working
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on a project. By the end of that week, you
might be a wreck because you're absorbing so much stuff
from everybody, And then it can take days, you know,
or even weeks to recover. Exactly well. You you describe
a lot that the impacts are sensitive people. I think
even on the cover of the book it's as life
strategies for sensitive people. But when I think about sensitive,
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I think kind of like what your parents are saying,
like you need to grow a thicker skin. And I
think a lot of times that's kind of how it's
interpreted in our world. You know, like you just think
about sensitive like getting your feelings hurt easily. Um, But
what does that mean sensitive in regards to an impact
or being etastic? Are the traits that are going to
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say the world. I mean, I feel really passionate about
it that's going on, you know, writing about it and
talking about it, is giving workshops on it. But I
I think that this quality in all human beings, except
for maybe a few like narcissists or sociopaths or psychopaths,
because they don't have empathy, that they have empathy deficient disorder. Um.
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The empathy inside of you, Your ability to feel for
somebody else, um and see their point of view and
see that it's not us versus them but just one
human family. That's what empathy lets you know, and that
will save everything. It'll save your relationships. It'll save the planet,
It'll save you because you're not always you know, saying
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oh it's that terrible person out there. You know. It's
about how can I be more loving and centered and
strong and um passionate and follow through with my dreams
without taking on my clients, stuff, my coworkers, stuff, myselfs
so you know, my children, how do how do I
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do that? And that's you know, what the Empast Survival
Guide is about, and also thriving as an EmPATH, which
is self care strategies every day of the year, two
or sixty five days and what to do on January one,
what to do on June seventeen. Let to do around
the holidays, you know, when it gets super stressful and
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there's so many, so many crowds out there, and people
are getting the impassed just at a horrible time because
they impass also tend to like one to one interactions
or small groups rather than large crowded stadiums or crowded
shopping malls. You know, we tend to absorb the energy
and crowded places because there's so many people there, um
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and so over the holidays in particular, empass needs to
learn to follow their own intuition and you know, be
with one person, be with your animals, do whatever you
want at these don't have to go out and big
crowds necessarily, you know, buy if you're going to buy presents,
buy them online. I don't know, but there are lots
of lots of loving kind of strategies to practice over
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times that are particularly over social, with a lot of
expectations to fit in a particular way of being. Right, Well,
if impats are going to save the world, let's talk
about how people become impats are our impaths? Because I
have so many questions about this. Um Is it something
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because there's a lot in the book about you know,
children who go through trauma, or maybe children who grew
up in alcoholic families, possibly bringing or adopting some of
those characteristics of an impath because you have to kind
of guess people's emotions all the time and all of
those kind of things. But is this something you're born
with or do you learn it? Or is it both?
(10:54):
Like how does that work? Yeah? It can, It depends
on the case. I mean, some children are born then path.
When I did my medical training at USC, I was
working O. B. G. Y N and no and deliver babies,
and babies come out so differently. Some are like little
Buddhist sensing and feeling, and others are like more closed
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and more protected, more guarded. It's just so interesting. So
I think genetics has a lot to do with it.
What we bring into this life when we're born. Sometimes
the birth experience can affect it. If you have a
traumatic birth, you know that that can already begin to
break down your barriers. Traumatic birth is what happens at birth.
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It's really important. You know, how we enter this very
coarse life, you know, the earth point and how we
enter this from where we were before, you know, is critical,
and so that can affect our sensitivities and so it
can be genetic, it can be environmental. Um you could
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have impacted parents and you could learn to be empathic
that way. That's the positive side of you know, having
empathic parents, as you can learn empathy and they could
support empathy in view. But let's say you have an
alcoholic parents or an arcissistic parent, then you probably weren't
seen as a little girl or a little boy, and
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so you're beautiful talent of empathy and sensitivity and intuitions
were not seen, and probably they were denigrated and squashed now,
which is a trauma in and of itself. And so
a lot of empaths grow up and have ptsd um,
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either from actual emotional or physical abuse or just from
not being seen and not being recognized for who you are.
That can cause a sort of trauma as well that
needs to be healed as an adult, and of course
it can be healed. And so much of it has
to do with inner child work, in reclaiming that beautiful
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child who has left somewhere and somehow in your past
wherever the trauma occurred, and the work that I do
with patients, and also in thriving as an EmPATH. I
have a technique of reclaiming going back, doing a visualization
going back and reclaiming that beautiful empathic child is stuck
in some house that you lived in, and so you
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need to go back and find the house where the
trauma happened and reclaim the child, bring the child back
home with you now, and say I will never allow
you to be hurt again like that. So it's powerful.
I'm making it short, but it's powerful inner child work
that many empaths need to do to reclaim it's almost
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like a lost part of their their souls or empathic child,
you know, and bring that back into their life now,
which is so exciting, you know and wonderful and deliberating. Right,
what's the difference is or is there a difference between
that kind of EmPATH healing and just maybe a person
who doesn't identify as an impath who grew up in
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a dysfunctional household or is it a similar process. It's similar,
but the dynamics are a bit different because the EmPATH
child is if you can imagine a sponge or just
an open system, you know, without any barriers, without any filters,
and you can imagine how the intensity of the experience
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is upped. And plus the the EmPATH child often wants
to make it better for the parents because the EmPATH
empaths want to help, They want to make it better,
and so the impath child often takes on try, you know,
the anxiety of the parents. You know, I did that
with my mother. She was very anxious and I would
hold her hand and that energy would go into me.
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And so as an adult, you know, I've really had
to work in my own healing process about you know
that was my mother and me and to have clear
boundaries with that. But you know that's the work that
some empaths need to do depending on their parenting. Right. Sorry, Oh,
it's all possible. You know, all of this is so
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doable and it's so liberating. But these are just some
of the dynamics that you know, I work with as
a psychiatrist with my patients and I write about UM
and they're also doable because when you begin to work
with self healing in this way, you are free. Now
you don't have all that way on you anymore. And
if you learn how not to take on other people's
stuff and you really practice, not a lot is liberating
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in and of itself, right, And you have so many
UM scenarios and techniques in the book of just little
visualizations you can do while you're in the moment. I mean,
for me, that's such a huge thing. Even when you're
talking about your experience with your mother. I mean, I
think for years I've been carrying so many different emotions
that probably aren't even line and through this process of healing,
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I mean, and it's it's just it's such a big
weight you don't even realize, like how exhausting, that is.
But the chronic fatigue that you talk about a lot
in the book, that is something I identified with so much,
because no matter what I do or how much sleep
I get, I feel that. And I think it's from
carrying the weight of emotions. Yeah, it probably is. And
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so what's so helpful is to journal about you know,
maybe two or three people from your childhood where you
think you took on their stuff. Was it your mother,
was it your sister with a friend, you know, and
really begin to sort through what it's really me, what
is really them? And then do I have a chord
cutting visualization in both books Actually and Thriving as an
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EmPATH where you can cut the chord energetically between yourself
and that person. And it doesn't mean you cut off
the relationship. It means you cut off the bond to
whatever is dream you like anxiety. And it's really useful,
it really works, but you have to be ready. Yes,
you say, impacts feel things first and then they think,
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which is the opposite of how most people function in
our over intellectualized society. So can you tell me more
about how an impath processes processes different scenarios differently than
you know, a normal person or a person who isn't
empathetic normal? What is normal? Yes, the impast feel empaths
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are you know, have invisible penrols, just open feeling that
the world's impacts speak the language of energy, subtle energy,
which Chinese medical practitioners called she or shocked e um.
It's the invisible energy that you know in yoga you
activate it in the body with certain asaunas. So it's
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energy and the body that impasts are exquisitely attuned to,
and they begins the world. They approach the world from
this energetic standpoint. They don't think their way through the world.
They feel their way through the world. First of all.
I mean they also have good intellects, but their first
way is to feel somebody as opposed to analyze what
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they're saying or keeping an intellectual distance. If you stand
next to somebody in pain, unfortunately, many an pastis sit
there and their hearts go out and they take it on.
Or they're going by a homeless you know, community, and
they look look at it and the anguish there they
take on into themselves, you know. And and so that's
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just how m past approach the world. So it's important
to learn very clear boundaries, you know, with what you
do and who you look deeply and into their eyes.
You know, you don't want to look deeply into everybody's
eyes because then you know, you'll pick up a lot
of stuff that is none of your business. And so
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it's important to keep clear boundaries with you and other people.
I mean just last night, for instance, Um, I was
out to dinner with a friend and somebody came over
and I was introduced to them, and they reached out
their hand to shake my hand, and I just said,
you know, I don't really shake hands, and they said, okay,
you no. But the reason I don't is I don't
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want to feel their energy. You know, I don't wanna.
I just don't want to deal with it. It's an
intimacy and I'm not interested in the strangers. So it's
just the choice they made. So you can pick up
stuff just by shaking someone's hand, Yeah, and past can
that's a there's a shocker and the poem that sends
out so much energy and so yeah, either through the hand,
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through hugging, through eye contact, and so empass needs to
be discerning, not paranoid, but discerning about you know, who
you want to hug, you know, who you want to
look deep into their eyes. You don't want to look
into everybody's eyes because then you connect to their souls basically,
and you pick up stuff. No, or you know, how
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much do you want to hug somebody? How much do
you want to shake their hands? It's all it's all
to you. And you know, in society, we're not used
to having these kinds of conversations. The boundary set just
they're afraid of. You know, the person will think I'm
impolite or they won't like me. Um. But in my experience,
that isn't what happens. It's just so not used to.
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It's not used to. And I say it's so matter
of factly and lovingly. People usually just go okay, and
that's it. I mean maybe they talk about it afterwards.
I don't know, but you know, I'm good with it.
I don't say it like I'm afraid of being judged.
I say it like this is my boundary and please
respect it. I mean, you've had a lot of practice though,
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right because I'm listening to you say that and I'm
thinking of myself, and there's been there's like a specific
instance I'm thinking of where a friend of mine was
dating a guy who the second he talked in the room,
I got um, I couldn't shut it off, Like the
energy was so bad to me that I was I
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just started reacting when I would, but my reaction was
so big and so kind of inappropriate. I felt like
then I felt embarrassed, and I felt bad for my
friend later. But so, how did you learn how to
do what you just described? Um? Just self protection and
self care? Yeah, why I I feel I wrote this
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whole book driving as an EmPATH on self care tickings.
If you have to learn what your truth is, and
it's not always If I could change as an EmPATH,
my sensitivity is very each day. Some days I'm more sensitive,
or if I'm tired, I have to take more care
of myself that are care of myself. Um. But it's
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just a form of listening to your body. And so
I've learned, you know, I've learned how to take care
of myself so I could go out with people and
enjoy them, you know, and it just takes some practice.
I sometimes work with my patients where you know, I'm
I'm the stranger, I'm the person out in the world
and they're learning how the sick founders with me, you know,
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so they could get practice, so you could practice with friends,
and I'm saying, you know, no, I'm not able to
go out, and I thank you for the invitations, you know.
Or if you're in an environment, like you said, where
the energy was bad, where you could excuse yourself, go
into the bathroom, meditate for a few minutes, center yourself,
and come into that environment in the more sensored place. Yeah,
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you know, so you learned these little tricks and they
make a huge difference. That would have been a lot
better way to deal with it than I did. Yeah,
this was something that was super eye opening for me.
But you talked about just bright lights and loud noises,
how they can almost be painful, and I've always had
or I guess it's just that we're we're just our
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senses are so much stronger because like I have to
have especially for sleep, it is a whole process for me.
Of there can't be any light, it has to have
I have to have a sound machine so I have
consistent noise. I'm very sensitive to smells, like I can't
handle or I smell something very fast that people would
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never smell for you know, at all, even um my
phone ringer, I cannot ever have it on. It just
gives me anxiety, like the sound of that consistently coming
into my space. And that is just that was so
interesting because I've always just thought I didn't even think
about it. I just thought that was I didn't think
about why I was like that. But what is that? Um,
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it's just a sense your sensitivity is turned up so
that these things that you know, you that feel on
a higher volume than other people to you. You know,
a lot of people are not walk around them or
they you know, are in their heads and when they're
in they're just in their heads all the time. They
don't they don't respond in the same way as somebody
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who's more embodied and you know it has has more sensitivity.
But the secret is to honor that. You know, s
and m path, there's nothing wrong with you. You're not
quote overly sensitive. You need to have a beautiful house
with low lighting. You need to have the you know,
the tone turned off or down, or have some beautiful chimes,
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you know, instead of a horrible ring. Um. You know,
you need to have smells that are nice to you.
You know, in your environment. So these are self pair
techniques and if it. Empaths have a particularly strong sense
of smell, and so you know, let's say you go
into an elevator and it's skilled as perfume. To too
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many empaths, you can feel like you're being supitated so
strong and awful, and to other people they might say, oh,
what a nice smell you see so And I just
want to say, everyone listening, being an EmPATH it's not
better or worse than anything else. It's just a particular person, reality,
type and way of being in the world that has
(25:02):
gotten that hasn't been honored. And that's why I feel
so strongly about honoring it. So that people are pathologized.
Many many empacts come to me. They've been to psychiatrists,
they've been diagnosed with panic disorder, major depression, you know,
all kinds of things, chronic fatiguing, bibo mayalgia, and they
(25:24):
might have all these things, you know, so called diagnosed,
you know, the diagnostostic categories, but the underlying diagnosis of
being an impact was not made and so there was
no technique given to the to these people to work
with not absorbing other people stuff. And when you're on
(25:45):
sensory overload all the time, which happens with many impacts,
meaning they're just maxed out with their senses. Then the
stress hormone begin to flow, and then the adrenal glands
begin to overwork and they tend to get adrenal fatigue,
and so you know, it's a vicious cycle. But once
you learn how to turn down the excessive sensory input, oh,
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it just feels so good, you know, and you're not
on overload which is so painful, you know, and most
of the time you're feeling really wonderful, you know, and
you can modulate the sensory input that comes in as
opposed to just medicating it. They're like most psychiatric you know,
people do well. Speaking of medicating, you also mentioned that
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addiction is very prevalent among impasts. Is it because of
the sensory overload or we're just trying to turn that
stuff down. Well, sensory overload has a huge role in it.
And you know, many people become alcohol ecthoratics, and you
know that they go into recovery and they're also recovering
impacts because you know, empacts who have addictive tendencies turned
(26:54):
through drugs and alcohol or food, sex, no any anything addictive,
so no amounts their sensitivity. And so you know, there's
a chapter in the EmPATH Survival God on EmPATH and
addiction and fluid addiction in particular, it has many empaths
get really really fat because they need the armor to
(27:16):
protect themselves from the negative energy they're picking up. And
I wouldn't say many, I would say some. So it's
like a physical shield. You mean that the armor, the
fat provides armors so you don't feel as much. There's
just more mass between you and the world. And does
(27:38):
old time psychic heelers around the turn of the century
where typically really really obest women. They weighed three or
four hundred pounds, and they claim they needed to have
that weight on them in order to do their psychic
work so that they didn't take on the pain of
their clients. Mm hmm. No, I don't believe that you
need to weight on you and I know pretty sin.
(28:02):
But you know, there's a section in the book on
impounds and food with you know, a bunch of techniques
to use other than eating to protect yourself. Let's talk
about empaths and relationships, because this was a super mind
blowing section to me. Um, you mentioned that a lot
(28:24):
of impaths are attracted to unavailable people. Why right, Well,
most fantasts who comes to me, let's say, they want
to find their soul mate or they want to find,
you know, somebody to really connect to us on a
deep level. And yet they can't find anybody. And so
(28:44):
you know, why is it u um? You know, people say, oh,
they're just not a lot of good men and women
out there. That's a line the huge recently and you know,
yes and no, um, because empacts unknowingly like on a
elable people, because they won't get overloaded by the experience
(29:05):
that intimacy if they haven't learned to navigate that. So
if they're constantly wondering why this guy hasn't called, you
know on a deep level, that's a lot safer than
being in an intimate relationship and having to talk with
them about I need my alone time and this doesn't
you know, mean that I don't love you, you know,
having those kinds of conversations because they don't really know
(29:27):
how to have that. And in any relationships, you need
to protect your personal space. You need to map out
alone time. You may not even want to live with
a person, and you might not want to have separate
homes or separate wings or separate bedrooms. There's a whole
new paradigm of how to be together in a couple.
If you're an impact that I talked about in the
em Past Survival Guy, and it's important to read about
(29:51):
those questions that you need to bring up with a mate.
So relationships aren't proper with too much togetherness, task get overloaded.
I could never be with somebody all the time. It
was driving insane to be with somebody constantly because I
need I need my a long time. I need to
have my separate space I wanted. I've been living with
(30:13):
someone for six years, and you know it works because
he's able to hear my feedback. You know, if I
need to be alone, if I need to sleep alone,
if I need to go in the backhouse, if I
need not to talk, UM, if I'm feeling overloaded and
(30:35):
it's not the best time to have a conversation. UM.
They are all kinds of issues that come up. You know,
if I want to leave a social events because you
know I'm maxed out, and he's not an emtitact, so
he doesn't respond in the same way that I do,
Thank God. Well, I was just going to ask that,
(30:55):
do you see two impast being together more often than not?
Or do you see one EmPATH and one non EmPATH
like what seems to be more common? Its all personal preference.
Some EmPATH prefer each other, and some empaths like we
prefer non EmPATH. No, there's a type of person that
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I talked about in the book called the rock. Somebody
who's strong and steady and it isn't swayed by the
winds of life, and it's just you know, maybe you know,
it doesn't have that extreme empathy, but they have a
good heart. You know. I did best with that type. No,
as opposed to someone is feeling something right that seems
(31:38):
like it would be major hand. Yeah, too much for me,
would be too much, you know. Sometimes for me, I
want to connect to people in that way like the
one another impath, in the way that we can understand
each other. But you're right, like, if I think about it,
(31:59):
in a relationship, some times I need someone to pull
me kind of out of all of the feelings and
not be as quite as emotional or as sensitive as
I am. Right right, the ground is yeah, yeah, exactly. Um,
so energy vampires are also another part of the relationship
aspect of this book. This was fascinating to me. You
(32:21):
say narcissists are attracted to impasse. Oh, there's a toxic
attraction between narcissists and empasts. And in the chapter on
empasts and well, um, narcissists full blown let's say, full
blown narcissists, not just those of narcissistic traits. Full blown
narcissists are not capable of empathy. They have what's called
(32:42):
empathy deficient disorder. So basically this is so hard for
empast tickets. They don't really care about what you're feeling,
you know, they only care about it in the sense
of how it might serve them. But this is very
confusing because in the beginning of the relationship they put
on a false and pathic front. Right, It's very confusing.
(33:08):
But what I you know, tell my patience is just
be aware of really charismatic people are overly charming people
because a lot of times they're narcissists. Narcissists have charmed unbelievable.
You feel that electrical lightning experiences them. Bam, you know
you're alert in your senses, are awake, and you know
(33:31):
it's just an amazing, that lightning striking experience you can
deal with narcissists. So you've got to really take a
step back if that happens, just to make sure you're
partners and a narcissist. And you know in the book
there's certain traits you look for and and it's tried
and true with every narcissist you know. So I suggest
(33:53):
two people is empassed. If you think somebody's a narcissist,
just provoke a little conflict in the beginning whatever, Just
don't do something their away and see how they respond,
because narcissists typically get cold withholding, punishing, and their true
self comes out. But if they aren't a narcissist, they
(34:13):
would say something like, oh, thank you for telling me
your needs. Now I can better reachpect. Though you know,
the narcisist wouldn't say that unless they were trying to
manipulate you. I'm thinking they're all my dating past as
you talk, I think that, yeah, oh my gosh, yes,
like I have been in multiple relationships with nar narcissists. UM.
(34:39):
I don't think yeah until I read that in the
book about the part of um them putting on the
show for a while, because that's I think it's such
a confusing thing. It's a you know, you get really
confused on what is chemistry and then what is that
toxic connection that you're talking about between the narcissist and
the impass right. Just provoke a conflict with an excellent
(35:02):
if you think and see how they react. Because if
you're all you know in the you know, blaze over
with passion and you know an expectation, you're not going
to see the real person. But if you can just
take a breath, say okay, you know, I'm going to
provoke a conflict and see what see how this person responds,
(35:23):
then you can bring out their true colors more quickly.
And also you need to see how they treat other people. Yeah,
they treat the starking lot of tendancyl they you know,
treat the food server. You know, if they're nasty to
certain people, then that's how they're going to be with you.
You know, you want to have somebody who's kind to everybody.
(35:47):
You know, he cares about the earth and cares about
other people. And narcissists don't genuinely care. So they care.
They they'll they'll give you positive strokes. If you admire them,
if you told them good job they did, you know,
what an incredible person they are. I mean that they
have sofa. But in terms of loving you, now, yeah,
(36:16):
I mean I work with a lot of celebrity clients.
So that's such a narcissistic world in general. You know,
it's kind of it breeds that just because of the
nature of the job. So I think I'm almost used
to that, but it's very eye opening. I'll have to
test it out. Yeah, But in the I want to
make the distinction there are people just with narcissistic traits
(36:38):
who are not full of own narcissists. So they just
have some qualities of self absorption, but they may have
the goopacity, you know, for caring. If they go into
therapy or if they go into coaching, then they have
If they go into twelve step program, that's very helpful
for narcissists, the actics or alcoholic because then they have
to be of service to other people part of the program,
(36:59):
you know. So you know, there are those let down
on the scale who are not full blown narcissists. You know,
in the entertainment community that that you're in. So I
wouldn't suddenly, you know, say everyone if I don't think
that's fair, but I want to say that, you know,
(37:19):
with makeup artists and with you know, anybody who has
close physical contact other people because you're working on them,
that for EmPATH is very rough. I've had a lot
of patients in those situations are hairstylists. You know, it's
very rough because not only do they people tend to
tell you their life stories. You know, you're near their
(37:42):
energy field picking up stuff all the time. So you
need to take special time to replenish yourself. You know,
in terms of meditation, getting in water, you know, hot baths,
showers that helps to cleanse you, staging or burning sweet grass,
you know, in your your environment, medication, breath, yoga, getting
(38:05):
out in nature. You needed to have all those things
going on to balance out your experience with being so
close to the public. Right Over the years, I've actually
gotten to the point where you know, I have my
kind of my set clients that I have learned to
work with because I am so close to them. Um
and I have a hard time taking on new people
(38:27):
at this point because of that exact reason. It's exhausting
to me. UM and this is actually, this is why
I even wanted to do this podcast in general. I
got a message from one of my followers on my
Instagram at Velvet's Edge, and she is a hairstylist. She
works in the bridle industry, but she said, the beauty
industry is a place where people feel vulnerable. Many times,
(38:49):
I'm dealing with insecurities, feelings, and stressful wedding chaos. I
know they are not directly related to me, but I
can't help but still be affected by it. I can
often feel the atmosphere of the vibe of the room
without anyone saying a word. Since I know you're in
the music industry and probably handle large personalities who are
perhaps feeling the pressure, public expectations and criticisms of the media,
(39:09):
what are some ways as an impath that you are
able to power through and do your job well without
letting the atmosphere affect you? And I don't know. I mean,
you can probably speak to this better than me, because
I literally just learned five new techniques in your book,
because I think I was just shutting down. You know
I would if I That's what I was saying. When
(39:30):
I travel, I come home and it's hard for me
to function. It takes me a couple of days, which
isn't realistic, especially if you're in a relationship or if
once I have kids, those kind of things like that
is not a good way to live, you know. No,
I mean that's for I mean in both books, but
in Thriving Us an m Past, I offer a self
(39:52):
care technique per day that you can use in environments,
you know, such as you know, being in public or
having to deal with a lot of different energy us
in an office environment. But in terms of what you
can do, um, the first thing you need to do
is learn how to use the breath to breathe out
negative energy and to you know, when you go into
(40:13):
an environment, be aware in your of your body does
need to feel good or does this not feel good?
So that you can kind of tie trate the you
know that if you get the feeling in the room,
you can read the room and then you can take
care of yourself in specific ways as a result. But
I just want to say some rooms are fantastic to
walk into, you know, the energy is so good. You know,
(40:36):
some yoga studios or you know concerts or you know,
beautiful sanctuaries of people create, you know, for retreat centers
just beautiful, you know, and it's just an empat feast
for the senses. UM. But if you're you know, around
the public, then you have to you know, develop some
kind of meditation practice so that you learn to center
(40:58):
your energy. There's a three minute heart meditation that I
describe in the book where you breathe, you breathe out stress.
It's critical to know that the breath when you breathe out,
that breathe out the stress or toxicity. You don't want
to hold your breath in life, because that's what people
do if you're around an energy vampire amount to, people
get afraid and hold their breath and that's the worst
(41:21):
possible thing. You have to breathe out and breathe out
any negative energy that you're you're picking up for any fear.
And then you need to you know, get used to
excusing yourself if you're feeling overwhelmed, just to go to
the bathroom so that you can meditate for three minutes,
center yourself, you know, feel stronger, and then come back
(41:44):
out in terms of the situation. UM. And then also
learning how to set clear limits and boundaries essential for
encount learning that no is a complete sentence. You know, no,
I'm sorry, I can't meet you at you know, midnight
tonight to do your hair. I can't do it. You know,
I'm tired, or I'm not able to do it, and
(42:06):
learn how to you know, set limits you know with
people and say set limits nice, firm and loving and short.
You don't want to get into it with people you know,
or no, I'm not able to you know, stay for
three hours, but I'd love to come for one hour.
To be able to control your environment a little bit
(42:27):
more um and then also know what your emotional triggers are,
because what you're triggered by and other people is what
drains you. For instance, if you if your trigger as anxiety,
if somebody starts getting anxious around your client is anxious,
then your anxiety button's going to get triggered. And that's
(42:47):
like a super drain when your triggers are activated. And
so no part of being an empact includes self healing.
You know where you say, okay, you know where is
my anxiety coming from? You didn't come from my mother?
You know? How can I you know, separate that bond
with her so I don't take it on anymore. So,
(43:08):
it's it's a lot of knowing yourself now and also
getting into water as quickly as possible, taking breaks, you know,
not having a schedule where you just go from one
thing to the next, to the next to the next.
I mean, I I limit the amount of socialized and
I do because I enjoy it. But I don't. I
can't do it all the time. It's just too much
(43:30):
for me, too much input. And that's fine, you know,
it's fine for me. You know, I say no to
a lot of the events, so that's fine too. But
I don't just go and torture myself, you know, and
just get exhausted if I you know, when I go
I can sense my body when I go on a
little bit of overload, you know, Voices sound louder, lights
(43:52):
become right, and it's just too much, you know, it's
like signals, red flags. All right, that's fine, just get quiet,
let's take care of your show. And so I'm I
want to emphasize I'm continued continuing to learn this. This
is a lifelong process of tweaking and listening to yourself,
and it's beautiful. I wouldn't have it any other way.
(44:14):
I love this you know, I love being sensitive. I
love you know, being able to see into people and
read people. And an impast can tell if somebody is
being inauthentic. You know, you can feel it in your gut.
You know something's off, and that's that's a plus. Yeah,
you want to know that, but you also want to
(44:34):
listen to it, which many empass don't. And many empacts
or people pleasers, so they have to begin to deal
with that in themselves. Now, you don't want to have
to please everyone. At times, you will disappoint people. You know,
you need to break it to you. I mean, I'm
definitely a people pleaser, but it's something I've been working on.
I'm a recovering people pleaser. We'll say it that way.
(44:56):
Yeah that's great, Yeah, yeah, right, recovering people. But for
empass to compassionately deal with all of these things in
themselves and to find people in jobs and situations but
feel good to you, you know, and to create a
life that's you know, let's say you love the ocean.
Let's say the ocean is impass like water. Go try
(45:20):
and live by the ocean where you can do that,
you know, go follow where you're most comfortable. So you're
not living in the city when you really want to
be by the ocean. Well, I think it's so interesting too,
about getting to know yourself and allowing yourself to not
have to do everything like for me a lot of times.
(45:42):
I mean, I'm in my thirties, I feel like I'm
striving to build a business kind of thing, and I
do it a lot of times where I'm just constantly going,
and that is what is very praised, I feel like
in our society, but it does not ever pan out
right for me, Like I end up exhausted. I do
(46:02):
not feel like I bring my best self to the
table when I do that, when I'm not taking care
of myself. But it is hard for me to say
it's okay to not do that, or it's okay to
take this time off, or it's okay to not be
going constantly like everyone else. I have never been able
to one let myself off the hook, but I've never
(46:22):
been able to move like other people. So it's hard
for me not to feel shame about that. If that
makes sense. About sitting limits your yeah, because I feel
like a lot of people around me, I watched them
just go, go, go go, and I think a lot
of programming in me. I don't know if this is
common for most people. Is that that is the key
(46:45):
to success is to strive and to go and to
keep doing. And I can't do that. Well that's a
good thing, I know that. But the secret is to
take many breaks and to not never sched go back
to back to back too much. That's a recipe for exhaustion.
And then you won't want to go out for a
(47:05):
week after that. Yeah, so that's not going to serve
you either. So it's about balance. It's about balance. Let's
say you're invited, I don't know, you know, three events
in one day, you know, at least take a half
hour or an hour, you know, to meditate, to be quiet,
just turn down the stimulation between the events. You know.
(47:28):
That helps a lot, the mini breaks for business people, yeah,
it really helps a lot. It makes you calmer. I
mean for me, when I when I'm feeling sensory overload,
I take even three or four minute breaks. It feels
just like I'm being replenished again. Just don't talk to anybody,
(47:48):
you know, close your eyes, meditate, close the shade, you know,
just be quiet, or play some lovely music whatever. Just
shift your state and then you can go back to
the world of people after them. Do you you talk
about most introverts being I mean most impacts being introverted,
But can you be extroverted because I'm not sure I
(48:10):
fully identified with an introvert. Yeah. Yeah. In the book,
I talked about both introverted and extroverted EmPATH interfer you know,
like staying at home, like being with their animals at home,
you know, like having one person over, you know, like
watching movies. You know, don't go a lot out to events,
but they're extroverted empast You love to socialize. But the
(48:33):
key is that you have to have downtime out to
your social life so you can decrease your stimulation level.
You can't just go from one thing to the next.
Extroverted EmPATH that I work with have to learn that
can you be both at different times? You could have
a need, you know, you might go through a phase,
(48:54):
you know where you're more introverted, and that might be
related to the seasons. This also related to the winter
season where people m m you know, because I follow
the seasons and you know, the phases of the moon,
and you know, I believe all that effects EmPATH. It's
just something I'm very connected to in my spiritual practice,
(49:14):
which is a bots practice. And so you know, on
the full moon and new moon, I special prayers and
meditations and connections. You know, just feel the cycles of life.
You know. Empaths can do that if they want to.
They could be intench with the cycles of length. And
some cycles of nature are quieter and more inward and
(49:35):
others are more outward and socializing. So you have to
listen to your body and connecting to nature is one
thing that impass you know a lot of times love
doing so, you know, one of the gifts of empaths
is a high level of intuition. What does it mean
to be an intuitive impath? Are all empaths intuitive empathts
(49:59):
have a certain amount of intuitions um, but the intuitive
empaths often have extremely strong intuitions UM. Or you can
senseless going on in other people. You can get visions,
or you can you know, get knowing, or you can
get strong ah feelings or all of a sudden something
becomes clear um. And it's about inner listening where your
(50:23):
body tells you you know various things about people or
they're also dream EmPATH You know, I've been recording my
dreams since I've been a little girl and following their
guidance because I'm so connected to that realm. So some
empass the form of intuition, they connect with the dreams.
So it just varies. So, you know, some empaths are
(50:47):
connected to plants, plant EmPATH or animal EmPATH, our earth
EmPATH or you can be particularly connected to the Earth changes,
so if you have the sensitivity, it can be directed
to so many different areas and and some empaths have
more of a specialty, you know, Let's say they're you know,
(51:08):
more an intuitive impath and they connect to animals or
they connect to the earth. So it's it's good, you know,
in those cases to live near the earth there just
spend a lot of time, you know, with the earth,
because that's very nurturing. The two I related with the most.
You describe all of the different kinds of intuitive impass
(51:29):
in your book, But the two I related to the
most where the telepath and the dream, which I think
for most of my life has what has been what
has made me feel a little crazy like I have not.
I wanted to say those things out loud because they're
really kind of strange almost, like especially the telepath one
that happens to me a lot um where I think
(51:51):
something and you know, the most recent one that happened
to me was a couple of months ago. I was
just walking up the stairs and had flash of my
grandmother falling for random reason. I mean, I was I
haven't even I hadn't talked about my grandmother or talked
to her in weeks. It was so strange, and I
was like, Wow, that was so weird. I wonder why
(52:12):
I thought that. Maybe just because I was walking upstairs.
I don't know, it just like it was this flash
and I saw her actually falling, and I got a
call from my mom the next morning that she had fallen,
had a pretty bad fall. And um, that has happened
to me so much throughout my life. But it's it's
weird and it's scary what you addressed in the book,
because you almost are like, oh my god, did I
(52:33):
cause that? Or what what was that? Like? Why did
that happen? Right? Yeah? Yeah, Um, it's because you loved somebody.
The intuitive bond in the connection with them is very strong,
and so if they're in trouble or something's going to happen.
That's often a wilder signal, so it gets transmitted through
the wavelength, you know whatever there. It gets transmitted from
(52:55):
one heart to another. And you obviously love your grandmother
very much. You're you're connected to her and to me.
From my frame of reference, it's not weird at all.
It's our natural human capacity at its peak. It's finest
to be able to connect to people that way. And
at first at my first book, second Site was about
(53:17):
you know, growing up as an intuitive, empathic child and
all those things you mentioned, you know, feelings that somehow
I caused it, you know, or there was something wrong
with me, and you know, kind of dispelling that, and
then how I give it as a doctor, um, but
you didn't cause it. You're just open, you know. It
sounds like you're a very open, intuitive, loving person, and
(53:42):
you need to, you know, learn some skills not to
take on too much, you know, because empaths tend to
overhelp and get involved with things that are none of
their business. You have to you know, each person is
in their own lane. You know, you might overlap, but
each person has their own path to be on, so
(54:02):
you stay in your own lane and it's not your
job to take on the world's suffering. Empaths need to
learn that it doesn't help the world doesn't help you.
What does help is if you learn how to hold
space for people so that you can provide, you know,
a loving environment for somebody to go through their own
(54:23):
pain or their own path without getting overly involved. That's
that's another skill to be learned as an EmPATH, and
I do discuss that in this book. I love that
you finished the book with a chapter about just the
gifts of being an EmPATH. What would you what would
you say The greatest gifts of being an EmPATH are
(54:46):
um the ability to love very deeply and to connect
with human beings, with nature, with life, to be able
to feel, you know, with capital f you know, the
flowers and the ocean, and and you know, beautiful people
that you could connect to, and to be of service
to others. You know. My work as a psychiatrist, that
(55:09):
allows me to sense what others people are feeling, so
I can kind of get it from their angle, you know,
and that gives me, you know, a deep perception into them.
That's very important to me. I think the most important
thing to me is connection, you know, It's how we
connect to ourselves, to the people we love, to the
(55:30):
people you know, my patients. That depth of connection, my
being an empast really really helps with that. And I
love that. I love the quote that you say in
that chapter. It's from environmentalist David Or and he says
the planet does not need more successful people. The planet
desperately needs more peacemakers, more healers, restores, storytellers, and lovers
(55:52):
of all kind. It needs people to live well in
their places. It needs people with moral courage willing to
join the struggle to make the world habitable and humane.
And these qualities have little to do with success as
our culture defines it. So how would you say you've
found success as an impath to the power of my
(56:14):
heart and not being afraid m being able to expand
my sensitivities and and teach it of it. I'm very
happy about that that I'm gonna the opportunity, has the
opportunity to teach others how to work with their empathy
in a positive story. Well, I know it's just but
and if you squash it, you pay a big price
(56:36):
because of the huge gift, right, I know, it's been
a great gift to me that you're talking about this,
and for any of you guys listening, if you've related,
or you're just intrigued by learning more about impaths, or
maybe even you're in a relationship when I highly recommend
Dr Olaf's book The Impast Survival Guide for me. It's
(56:58):
been the best breakdown an explanation I've heard about what
it's truly like to be an EmPATH, um, and also
how to value your gift. You do have a new
book coming out called tie. It's titled Thriving as an Impath,
which we talked about a little bit, but it's a
daily reader. Can you kind of explain what it's going
to be about. Yeah, it's three hundred and sixty five
(57:18):
days of self care practices for empast, so you could
turn to January one and get a self care practice UM.
And so it's tiny, bite size techniques that you can
apply on how not to absorb other people's energy, how
to be your best self, how now to to express
your empathy and healthy ways. And I've divided it into
(57:40):
the seasons and the phases of the moon. So now
that's awareness of nature and the cyclical nature of the
year is brought into it. UM. And I also have
an IMPAST Survival Guide online course on my website, which
is nine video lessons that I give on training IMPAST
and various uh various area, then Paths and Love, antas
(58:04):
and work and Paths and Emotions UM or you know.
I also have workshops and giving one October five in
San Francisco, California, Institute for Integral Studies and then October
New York the New York Open Center. And it's on
my website d R Judith or Law dot com so
they can find all the dates on your website. It's
(58:24):
is when Just Driving as an EmPATH come out. Um.
You can preorder it now, but it's um coming out
in October, and I'm doing a book tour, so I'll
be traveling around talking about it. If you'd like to
join me, amazing. And then are you on social media? Um?
I am. I'm on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. Is it just
(58:46):
at Dr Judith or Law Yeah, and I noticed too, UM.
I also requested to be a part of this Facebook group.
By the way, but there is UM a Facebook group
for in paths to connect with each other, right all right,
It's called dr orlof Impounds the poor community with almost
(59:06):
fifteen thousand empaths grow up having amazing conversation that is
free to join. Yes, I love that. That to me.
I read a lot about this in your book too,
But just having other impaths to connect with and talk
to you and learn different techniques for you know, surviving
or getting through I love that. Yeah. Yeah, it makes
(59:28):
all the difference. You're not alone. There's so many impounds
out there, so you want to really connect with the
community and and find life minded people where you don't
have to start and reinvent the wheel every time when
you talk to them. Yes, Dr Olaf, thank you so
much for being here. I so appreciate it, and I
know that everyone else listening probably does as well. Oh,
(59:50):
you're very welcome. It was fun you guys. Check out
Dr orlov and you can find all the dates to
her new book book release and the Impast Survival Guide
on doct or judith Orloft dot com. Thanks for listening.
This is Kelly Henderson and you've been listening to the
Velvet Edge podcast. I truly believe that every one of
us has a little velvet and a little edge, so
(01:00:12):
it's so important to remember that to be strong, you
must be soft too. Thank you so much for sharing
in those stories with me. You can follow velvet's Edge
on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, as well as velvet's Edge
dot com. If you have it yet, go to Apple
Podcast and subscribe, rate and review this podcast. Join me
every Wednesday for more conversations on lifestyle, beauty, and relationships.
(01:00:35):
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