August 9, 2023 • 35 mins
Kelly welcomes an old friend & holistic chef, Laura Lea Bryant to the podcast to talk about her new book and business. Laura Lea is a well known holistic chef with two previous cookbooks and former website LLBalanced. After going through a divorce and multiple rough breakups after the divorce, Laura Lea channelled her love for holistic food into a new approach to holistic healing overall. She talks to Kelly about the moment she realized she wasn't living an authentic life and how she knew she needed to take her knowledge from holistic eating and apply it to healing her broken heart. Laura Lea's new book 'Recipes for an Aching Heart' and subsequent coaching program, help clients navigate their grief in a deeper way that offers true healing from the root and also celebrates the food and nourishment our body needs to get through that process.
"I really just realized that I knew who I was in business and as a chef, but when it came to relationships, I had absolutely no idea who I was or what I wanted."
Website: llbalanced.com
Socials: @lauraleabalanced
New Book: Recipes for an Aching Heart
Follow Velvet's Edge on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/velvetsedge/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. It's the Velvet's
Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson, certified holistic chef.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Laura Lee Bryant is here. Hi, laur Le Hi, how
are you. I'm good. I was just saying to you,
this is like sort of like a little catch up
for us. We've known each other for a really long time.
Back in the blog days. Is how I think that
you and I got connected. There was ll Balanced and
I had Velvet's Edge, the blog, and we used to
(00:32):
go to like blog events together back in the day.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Yes, it's like blog retreat. That was definitely the height
of all of that.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I feel like we were bloggers before everyone was a blogger,
and so now it feels a little oversaturated. But back
in the day, you guys that are listening, when we
had these blogs, it was like, I don't know, it's
like the heyday. We got to go to all these
cool events. We would go on these trips together. It
was so fun, was fun.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
I know I kind of missed that, but yeah, but
this was long overdue.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Yes what we were saying, because we haven't had a
time to catch up since then. Both of us, I
think have kind of gone through similar experiences, and it's
just that stage of our life as women, where your
thirties and into your forties, I think you're really figuring
out your path, your purpose, you are, and all of
those important factors into that and what makes you you.
(01:28):
So back when I knew you and you had ll
balanced in a couple cookbooks under your belt, life seemed
pretty picture perfect on the outside. I mean, I feel
like you had this very successful career, you were married,
there were all these things that I think anyone looking
in would be like, this girl's got it figured out.
(01:50):
And then since then, and I know this now from
reading the new book, but some things have shifted and
it sounds like life took a turn. So can you
kind of do a little obsession with me now and
maybe give the listeners a little backstory because I think
this will lead into what you are doing now.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
Yeah. Absolutely, So. You know, I met my ex husband
when I was twenty seven, which isn't that young, but
the reality was when I met him, I had just
graduated from culinary school, and besides knowing that I wanted
to do this like food stuff, I really had no
idea who I was. I mean, all of this is
(02:29):
in retrospect. I didn't realize that this at the time,
but I really didn't know who I was. And the
truth is, he really did, like he was very consistent
about who he was and what he wanted from the beginning,
and as we you know, we had a really quick engagement.
It all kind of happened relatively quickly, and I think
as I grew up, kind of alongside the relationship and
(02:54):
the marriage, I started to get to know myself and
realize that even so he'd been really consistent, I was
actually a very different person than I was trying to be.
And I felt very sure that the version of myself
that I was getting to know, which was my more
authentic self, was not going to be compatible with like
(03:15):
big life things that he wanted versus what I wanted.
And that was a excruciating revelation. And it also, you know,
it doesn't happen overnight, So I think it was one
of those things where as my career grew that really
sort of catalyzed getting to know myself better. But it
also meant that it was behind the scenes, I was
(03:35):
realizing more and more that the relationship that I was
in wasn't the right fit, and you know, there was
a lot of shame about that, but at the end
of the day was it was definitely the right decision,
I think for both of us. But that's kind of
what was going on behind the scenes, and I was
just trying to pretend like everything was still great.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Yeah, why do you think we do that as women?
Because I think that's a big thing. I mean, with
it the beginning of your career taking off, or just
the idea like being in the South, you know, divorce
is bad or anything like that, Like what do you
think the message is going through your head where at
that time.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
I definitely think there is a lot of stigma around
divorce for sure, and I, you know, was aware enough
that part of being an influencer. Again, it's not like
these were things I was musing over in a really
specific way at the time. But again, looking back, I
can see that I think on a semi conscious level,
(04:35):
I was afraid of what it would mean because I
knew so many people in my community thought I had
it all together. Because we are taught as women, especially
in the South, that this is the right thing and
this is what you're supposed to do, and it's a
huge problem if that somehow is not a good fit
for you. So I think I was swallowing that shame
in a lot of ways, and I also was really
(04:56):
scared of what it would mean for, you know, every
aspect of my life.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Yeah. I think that's one of the things that people
underestimate about the influencing culture just in general. It is
like when you make your life kind of the storyline
for your business in some capacity, when that life starts
to shift, it's very uncomfortable to navigate because you're doing
it in front of a lot of people.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
M hm oh yeah. Yeah. I had to make that
mistake three times, three times hearing about the relationships before
I learned my lesson. But you know, yeah, it is.
It's tricky, and I think I think that right after
my divorce, I still refused to really face what I
was experiencing. I think because I really felt like it
(05:44):
was the right decision. I mistook that for being healed
from it, or being okay. I wasn't okay. I wasn't healed.
But because I felt like, Okay, this is the right thing,
I confused the two and I really tried to just
barrel ahead, and for a while, even through my second
book through all of that pain and what was going on,
(06:05):
you know, below the surface, and try to keep my
personal and professional life kind of separate in terms of
how my work showed up, and eventually I really hit
that rock bottom.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Well, talk me through a little bit of the patterns
you started to recognize in yourself, because I resonate with
everything you just said, and I feel like a lot
of times when we do the barrel forward, it does
feel good kind of in the moment, because it's like, Okay,
I'm good. It's like this like reassurance to yourself, like no,
this is fine, that was the right decision, This is good.
I can keep moving. I can do this. But you
(06:38):
said there was a lot that you were kind of
keeping under the surface. So what did that look like?
And then what were some of the patterns that you
started to recognize within yourself as you kept barreling forward.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Yeah, definitely. I think even though I had had the
awareness that while my ex husband was very consistent and thorough,
you know, throughout that I was sort of the one
who was changing and growing and learning and wasn't particularly consistent,
that I was aware of what that actually meant and
(07:09):
what I then wanted and needed and what was right
for me that I didn't know. I just knew okay,
that wasn't that wasn't the right fit. And I think
it was more of what's not versus what is. And
so the pattern really that I noticed was simply that
I was just attracting relationships that weren't compatible for me,
that weren't right for me at all, whatever the reasoning is,
(07:33):
and it's because I still didn't really know who I
was or what I wanted in a romantic relationship. I was,
I had a much clearer idea of who I am
as a businesswoman, who I was when it came to food.
All of that felt really solid. And again I think
I confused that with my personal inner identity. And unfortunately
(07:54):
it did take you know, going through just an excruciatingly
sad heartbreak for me to finally say something has to change.
I have to actually stop and investigate this rather than
just the numbing and the you know, full steam ahead.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
So what does that look like when you have that realization,
like you hit a bottom if you want to call
it that, or you go through another heartbreak, What what
did that look like for you? In those days after
that like, did you you know, how do you find yourself?
I guess is what I'm asking ultimately, Yes.
Speaker 3 (08:29):
So after my divorce, I honestly and part of the
reason it was such a tough time was because I
was just again pushing the feelings down and covering it
up with While I was writing a healthy cookbook, I
was covering it up with eating just not eating well
at all, drinking way too much, not taking care of myself.
Like I am all about indulgences in moderation, but I
(08:52):
was really not eating. I was eating just like mostly
sugar and fast food, I mean things I would never
have recommended the quantities that I was having them, So
I did that after my divorce. That was my numbing
and coping. Those are my numbing and coping devices, plus
I think being a workaholic. But the breakup that I had,
(09:13):
it was February of twenty twenty one, and I had
actually moved out of my ex boyfriend's house in a
snowstorm at night, and over the course of three hours,
I moved into an airbnb with a girlfriend, and I
just was so beyond devastated that even those numbing and
(09:34):
coping devices just weren't they weren't cutting it. And the
thing is, yes, I was grieving that most recent relationship,
but I was also grieving my marriage, like I was
grieving all of the things that I hadn't faced yet.
So it was a culmination of a lot, and it
was to the point where I just realized that I
needed to take a different approach and actually have a
(09:57):
holistic approach, much like I've had with food to heartbreak,
which I've never I'd never studied that before, I'd never
heard of that before. And so I started working with
a coach and I was learning some of these some
mindset tools, but I also knew. I just knew, Okay,
I can't do the kinds of exercise that I used
(10:18):
to because I can tell it's dysregulating my nervous system.
I can't eat the kind of things I've been eating.
It's just making me feel so much worse. I can't
socialize the way I've been socializing. It's making everything worse.
And so then I was like, Okay, but then what
do I replace that with.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Yeah, it's so interesting because as I'm listening to talk,
I'm thinking just about our culture in general, that it
is kind of the way that we look at life
like we want it to just be pretty on the outside.
And so you're sitting here, you're saying, you're writing this
book that's like all about holistic healing through food and
how to take care of yourself. Yet behind the scenes,
(10:54):
your life didn't look like that. But it's almost like
people don't care or like until we actually embrace it ourselves.
Like people just want the pretty picture, and so a
lot of times, I think the pressure we put on
ourselves is to just do that at any cost. And
what I hear you saying is like, no, what I
realized is like that was like slowly killing me. And
I wasn't living in an authentic place either. So was
(11:17):
there like a breakthrough moment when things just like kind
of came to light for you?
Speaker 3 (11:22):
I think it really was that next morning when I
woke up in the Airbnb. I mean, it was just
it was a level of pain that I hadn't experienced,
and it was just it was definitely one of my
darkest moments, and I think that was you know, I
think a lot of the time, change doesn't happen in
(11:42):
an instant, but I really do feel like in this situation,
even though I took a lot of steps, and it
took a lot of work and repetition and practice. I
do think that morning I immediately knew I have to
do something different. I really did in that time, and
you're so right. One of the other greeting process is
that I've had to do in the last few years
since that time has been in realizing that understandably. You know,
(12:08):
Instagram in particular is a very voyeuristic platform by nature,
you know, and that's how it developed. Ten years ago.
Was at least a lot of my engagement. I think
a lot of it was for food, and I think
people do did like my food, do like my food,
but I do think a lot of it was that,
you know, it's like semi attainability, that perfect life, that aspirational,
(12:31):
you know, perspective. And I from that day on, one
of the many changes that I made was I promised
myself I will never share a relationship publicly again, you know,
pictures or specifics or anything like that. And I also
just generally decided to be much more private and be
in my life a lot more. And that has been
(12:54):
for my mental health incredibly, just healing. But it has
also meant that I've lost a lot of engagement over
eight years, and that's like, that's a bummer, you.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Know, totally. I mean, I feel like you're telling my
story because it's so similar. I just have gone through
the same thing. And I've actually heard so many other
if you want to call them, quote unquote influencers or
whatever we were, you know, or whatever that is called
back in the day. But like I do think from
a mental health perspective, as a culture, maybe it was
the COVID pandemic or just that that feels like a
(13:27):
lot of people kind of hit some sort of realization
during that time because of that or because of other
things happening in their life, But like we need more
of the real now, which is I think what you
hit too, was like I have to find some middle
ground between the way I'm living my life and then
the work that I'm doing, Like it has to be
(13:48):
cohesive through my life. And I feel that too, and
keeping some things for ourselves as sacred private things, you know,
because we've lived in this culture that was just kind
of making everything in life storyline, which is good if
things are good, but man, when things are bad, it's
not so pretty, that is it.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
That's it. Whenever I feel that, you know, disappointment of
I wish I had, you know, a faster growing community,
I wish I had just more interaction in general, I
just always go back to the fact that, yes, the
highs are high, but the lows are so so low,
and I wouldn't I wouldn't trade it for a day.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Well, let's talk. Let's switch into what you are doing now,
because you did hit such a really dark season of
your life, but now it seems like it's brought you
to maybe one of the brightest moments of your life.
You have a new book called Recipes for an Aching Heart,
Healthy and Easy Meals to help you heal from grief, loss,
or the stress of everyday life. So you've really taken
(14:52):
your pain and turned it into this passion for helping
other women go through breakups or divorces and really like
what that means psychologically and what the healing process can
look like. So can you talk to us a little
bit about when the shift happened for you into this work.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Yeah, I mean truly it was. It kind of all
happened right after that breakup because while I was working
learning some of these mindset tools from a coach. I
also was making a lot of actual lifestyle shifts. I
didn't know the science behind it right away, but I
was really listening to my body, and I could tell
when I was activated in my nervous system, dysregulated, when
(15:34):
something that normally might have been energizing was really depleting.
And so I kind of started writing down, like all
these these things that I was naturally shifting over to
instead of what I'd been doing. And then as I
implemented that and time went on, I actually it was
so successful. It was it was such a powerful healing experience.
(15:56):
And I mean in my body, but actually most importantly
in my mind because it's all related. And it was
very much like twelve years ago when I started studying
holistic food. I remember for the first time reading the
work of a woman named Kimberly Snyder back in twenty twelve.
(16:16):
And Kimberly, Yeah, no one knows about her. She was
the generation before us.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Gosh, yeah, she was OG.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
She was the OG. And I remember she was the
first person who was talking about the relationship between food
and mental and emotional health. And it was such an aha,
very much like what I experienced two years ago. Which
is this aha of when we are grieving, we cannot
separate that from what we normally do and try to
(16:42):
again just move through the world in the same way
when you are really grieving and when you are in
that state of particularly when your brain is perceiving a
breakup as a rejection, which by the way, it can
do even if you were the one who ended it,
you can still perceive it as a rejection when you're
in that. What I say to my clients is they're
(17:02):
literally in a different like time space continuum. They're on fire,
they're tired and wired. They're not living this in the
same world that the rest of us are living in.
So I wanted to create a protocol that basically builds
a world to help them heal inside and out, even
when the rest of the world around them isn't honoring
what they're going through to the extent that they really need.
(17:25):
And so just started studying it. I started studying the
work of Pmlody, doctor Helen Fisher, Elizabeth Koopler Ross, the
book Attached by Rachel Heller and Amir Levine, and I
created this and a lot of actual, you know, scholarly articles,
scientific journals and really came up with a psychological and
physiological set of tools, sets of tools that I then
(17:50):
use for my clients that I now take them through.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
Yeah, I mean you're mentioning first of all, people that
I love P Melody. I mean all of these people too.
Even the book, it's hat like it's all talking about
I think, you know, attachment in general and relationships is
such a big topic in our culture. So a lot
of people know about that, but so much of that
is like about regulating your nervous system. So what are
the connections between food and what we consume or what
(18:16):
we don't consume? Because I know when I'm going through grief,
I have such a hard time eating in general, Like
that becomes very difficult for me because I feel so
like physically nauseous because my nervous system is like so disregulated.
So what did you find with the connections between this
holistic diet or you know, eating plan and regulating your
(18:37):
nervous system?
Speaker 3 (18:39):
Definitely, I would say, you know specifically, So let me
say too, when a client comes to me, I can
tell pretty quickly through a thirty minute call if we're
a good fit. And I know someone's a good fit
if they are probably going to fall into the buckets
of anxiously attached or tend towards that they again perceive
the breakup as action, even if they initiated it. They're
(19:02):
very disregulated. They have these looping, obsessive thoughts, and all
of those things tell me, and this is pretty much
always the case, that they're probably not going to have
much of an appetite again. They're going to feel like
they're on fire. Everything is painful, everything's hard. Sometimes they
may vacillate from that into numbness a little bit, but
either way, they're probably nothing sounds good to them. Not
(19:25):
only does nothing sound good to them food wise, but
when they do get a little bit hungry, they may
crave something that's so not what they would normally. Ever,
I mean for me personally, and I've seen this with
several clients. I have a huge sweet tooth, but when
I am grieving, when I'm in that particular that much
of a dysregulated state, the idea of something sweet makes
(19:45):
me nauseous. All I want is salt. If I'm going
to eat something, I want it to be salty. So
what I do is say, Okay, this is the state
that they're in. The stage of grief that they're in.
What is going on with their digestion, because it affects
your immune system, your gut microbiome, It affects your adrenaline
and your cortisol, It affects your neurotransmitters. In the beginning
(20:06):
of a breakup. Again, for my specific client, they have
a lot of dopamine because they're often still their brain
is in the protest phase, the chase, the I can
fix this, I can get them back, and so again,
cortisol and adrenaline are through the roof, which may also
lessen appetite. So there's a lot of things that are
contributing to that. Plus their digestion is just more sensitive.
(20:28):
So whereas you know, on a normal day, quote normal
I might offer them, I might say, yeah, sure, your
usual lunch of this salad with mixed screens and all
these raw veggies and nuts and seeds and dried fruit.
Maybe that's super healthy quote healthy for you normally. But
that's not going to go down well. So let's focus
(20:50):
on things like if you're going to have vegetables cooked
or blended into a smoothie or a soup, let's you know,
be really liquefying the diet as much as possible. Let's
check with your taste buds what actually might sound good,
and we keep it as simple but nutrient dense as possible.
And then as time goes on, what I tend to
find is they move into more of the clinic. When
(21:11):
I say depression, that's Elizabeth kou Koubleros's depression, not clinical depression.
So the depression stage, which leads into the acceptance stage.
As we do all this work on their mind, which
is really where the change happens, what then results in
their body is their appetite increases, and this is where
they might tend to find. Cravings come in hot one
(21:34):
because they've probably been deprived for a while. It's just
really hard to get the amount of calories and nutrition
that you need when you have absolutely no appetite. So there,
you know, the hunger comes back with a vengeance. And
then we start to see because they're losing some of
that dopamine, dopamine decreases, then their brains might start looking
for that dopamine, which may come in the form of
(21:56):
hyper palatable foods. So that's when all of a sudden
they want, you know, the fast food and the sugary
food and the carbe crunchy, all of that, and so
we have to come up with healthier alternatives of their
favorite cravings.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Yeah, it's so interesting to hear you talk about the
science behind it, because what I do think that I
started to realize, like going through a deep grief is
like you don't want to eat, like you're saying, you
don't have this appetite, But when you don't take care
of yourself, it's such a spiral effect into so many
different things. Like you mentioned gut health, I think it
(22:31):
really can affect your sleep as well, and so there's
all these other physical things happening to you and all
you can really think sometimes when you're in that deep
of grief is like getting out of bed feels so
difficult and like you're exhausted. So I love this idea
of like, no, we really still have to nourish our bodies,
Like the importance of nourishing our bodies through that time.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
Yes, definitely, And you're so right. I mean it extends
so far beyond you know, gut and appetite. It really
can and be sleep and brain fog and just just
like you said, the most basic, simple tasks can feel insurmountable,
and so a lot of the work I do with
my clients is helping them through some of these thoughts
(23:13):
that you know that they're having of I'm lazy or
you know, I can't get it together. We do a
lot of work on those things, and also we just
kind of clear out the clutter and say what needs
to be done now. So I am a huge fan
of becoming a no person. I talk about this in
the book I have. In the beginning of the book
I did, there's a section called how to Mend an
aching Heart. And obviously it's not a one size fits all,
(23:35):
but some of those lifestyle shifts are so massive because,
like you said, just everything is.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
A victory totally. And I don't think that many of
us know any of these holistic tools because I think
the way society present that is like either get up,
get up and get back out there kind of mentality,
or you know, drink your way through it, or just
keep moving through work like you were saying, and there
isn't this moment to actually healthily process feelings, which is
(24:04):
so so so important because if you don't get it out,
like you're just going to take it with you into
something else, is what I've learned at least.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
Oh for sure. What's the book The Body keeps the Score? Yeah,
it does so true. And also, you know, one thing
I really believe very strongly is that time doesn't heal
all wounds. Time lessens the acuteness of how often you
are experiencing it day to day, but it stays in
(24:32):
your in your nervous system and your brain, and so
you know, I think that's one of the reasons why
interestingly this actually surprised me. I would say at least
half of my clients went through their breakup or divorce
over a year ago, several of them three four years,
because it stays.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
Yeah, and sometimes I don't know that we're ready to
work through it right away because the pain is just
too immense, and so it just takes time, but it
will stay with you. So the only way at is
three is what I always say. But you've mentioned a
couple times when you're working with a client, So talk
us through some of the work you're doing now, like
as a holistic coach, what does a session like you
(25:12):
look like, with a session with you look like? And
that process.
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Absolutely so specifically, I am a holistic breakup coach. So
I am not a relationship coach by any means. That
is not my area of expertise. But what I specifically
specialize in is I have this thirty minute compatibility call
where I get to know, Okay, are we a good fit?
And like I said, now after about eight months, it's
been about eight months of working with clients, I can
(25:38):
tell pretty quickly if someone is a good fit for me.
If someone comes to me and they say I went
through a breakup or a divorce and it's just hurting,
but I know that I'm really clear that this was
the right thing, and I can tell they don't need
to pay me, they don't need me. Yeah, I only
work with someone who their brains are going completely out
(25:59):
of control. They can't stop the self blame, the self criticism,
the what if I'd just done this one thing differently,
all of that kind of talk. Because I can also
see in their bodies the way that they show up
if they need the kind of work that I do.
So once I decipher if someone is a good fit,
then we start working together. And you know, when I
(26:20):
first started this, I had a more traditional kind of
coaching style of saying Hey, you pay me this amount
of money for six weeks a couple months, but I
really this time goes on. That wasn't the right fit
for me or my clients because they're all in different stages.
So I work with people minimum three sessions because we
do need to move the needle. But after three sessions,
(26:42):
it's completely up to them. It's much more like a
sort of therapist approach. But what I do is and
I actually require all of my clients to work with
a therapist as well. And my whole program was vetted
by a licensed therapist. It was co created with her.
And like I said, everything is pulled from research in
science or I say, this is my personal opinion. But
what I do is I take women, and particularly I
(27:04):
only work with women who are in that sort of
brain on fire, can't stop obsessing and looping, and we
create peace and closure and clarity, and we give them
the tools. I give them the tools to not only
kind of get over the pass and what happened and
understand their relationship blueprint is what I call it, but
(27:25):
tools that they can then take into their next relationship.
So I am the middleman. I'm not there, you know,
helping them when the relationship is falling apart, definitely can't
speak to that, and I'm not there when they are
dating someone new and you know, getting into a new relationship.
I usually take them up to the point where they
have one to two first dates, usually on an app
(27:47):
and we do the work to establish, you know, what
their wants and needs and boundaries are, and then I
kind of send them off into the world.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
And then the book is called Recipes for an Aching Heart,
which we've mentioned a couple of times, but you if
you break down your story and then you also give
a lot of like daily insight tips into you know,
just some of the ways that you regulate your nervous
system through the day, some of the things you've learned
through the process of your healing work. Can you give
us a couple of the just the big guys of
(28:18):
like the ones that you find the most important that
you mentioned in this book.
Speaker 3 (28:22):
Totally, I think one of the best things that you
can do. Some people tend to have a harder time
at night, some people in the morning, but I really
think coming up with a grief specific morning routine is
one of the most important parts. If you can start
the day as regulated as possible because reality hits us
when we come out of dreamland. And often we're dreaming
(28:42):
about our ex anyway, but reality hits us. And so
one of the best things you can do. Some things
it's all you know, what works for you. But things
like learning some deep breathing like box breathing exercises, learning
some really simple meditation that works for you, getting immediate
sunlight outside, making sure you're hydrated, a little bit of
(29:03):
caffeine if you're a caffeine person, but making sure that
you're limiting your caffeine intake. And then specifically with my clients,
I can't get it, it was too much to get
into in the book, but I do specific writing exercises,
these kind of thought repatterning exercises as part of their
morning routine. So that's a really big one. And then
just some other things to think about are again taking
(29:25):
a look at Okay, here's my normal, quote healthy routine,
and here are the things that usually make me feel good.
And then instead of just doing those because it's what
you've been doing, asking yourself, does this feel like it's
serving me? So maybe you're someone who normally loves a
various boot camper an f forty five class, but that's
probably not the best fit because that's a huge stressor
so shifting to you know, especially if you can get outside.
(29:48):
But walking, hiking, yoga, pilates, all of that can make
a huge, huge difference. This is also a time as
much as possible. I'm not anti distractions. I think there's
a there's a healthy place for you know, Netflix during
this time. But this is a great time to look
at your calendar and say, what can what's in? What
can I say no to? What has to be done?
(30:11):
And with some of my clients will even come up
with these must lists where these are the things that
on a daily basis have to get done, taking medication,
taking care of a child, and then like a bi
weekly or a monthly list, paying bills, you know, in
getting your car inspector whatever it is that's on your
color and the rest of it, honestly is probably needs
(30:34):
to go by the wayside for a while.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Yeah, Yeah, for sure. I love the idea of turning
pain into purpose. And so much too of what I
hear you saying, even with when you're working with your
clients is really developing that relationship with self, you know,
And I think a lot of times as women we
miss that as well. It's kind of like you get
on the fashtack to building a career or whatever it is,
and then you end up in this point in your
life where you're like, who am I? What am I doing?
(30:57):
Do I even like this? So I want to know
what is it feel like to you now, because I
do think you've taken your life experience and really gotten
to know yourself as well, and now you've kind of
connected that to the work you're doing with this book.
You have recipes for an aching heart, so it goes
back to your you know, your culinary stuff as well,
And so what does that feel like to be so integrated?
Speaker 3 (31:20):
It feels amazing. I mean, it feels absolutely amazing. I
think it has, you know. So when I look at
the different books and even my second book, you can
see kind of the stages of it, and you make
such a good point. I think what I'm hearing you
say kind of underneath that is that for a lot
of women, there was either never a true identity cultivated
(31:41):
because we are taught to be chameleons and pleasers, and
often our trauma response is a fond response that's really
common with women, or we've lost our identity because we've
been it's been subsumed by the person that we're in
relationship with. And I'm not even saying it's not that
person's fault, per se, it's that. And we are taught
as women, if someone's going to change, it's got to
(32:03):
be us, right, If someone's going to do the work,
it's going to be us. If someone needs to twist
themselves in a pretzel, and we're all doing it silently
and subtly, we're going to be the ones to twist
ourselves into a pretzel. And that's why I think this
has been such a healing experience for me, because it
has really allowed me to create a much more true
and authentic, while malleable, I mean, we get to change right,
(32:26):
but authentic sense of myself. And I see that so
much in this book. This book is just it's just
like looser. It's less strict. There's even you know, my
first book, which I love so much, it is so
by the book healthy everything is dairy free and gluten
free and cashew cheese and nutritional yeast and datata. And
(32:46):
that's just not how I live my life anymore. I
am someone who really does I Kelly, I feel like,
ten years into Laury balanced, this is the first time
where I genuinely feel like I'm living a balanced lifestyle
after doing this for a decade, is you.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Know, yeah, yes, Well, I just love that you're being
so honest about that journey because I feel like, you know,
as I like I said, as I hear you stop talking,
I'm like, yes, this is what I went through as well.
And it is so difficult because I think we just
have so much comparison on social media and just out
there in general. So I love that you're bringing the
honest story to your work life and public life and
(33:24):
putting that out there. And I also love the work
that you're doing because I feel like teaching each of
us and like, you know, women in general is like
we've been talking about women's I'll keep it on women.
But like the fact that it's okay to grieve and
that it's a process and to feel the feelings. I
think that's such we do each other such a disservice
when we don't talk about all of that and what
(33:45):
goes into that, because it is a it is a process,
and it can be a beautiful process. On the other side,
like you're I think, experiencing and perfect proof of but
without the tools and without maybe even the help or insights.
It's happen that way and it's just not talked about.
So I really love what you're doing. Thank you for
being here with us. Where can people find you if
(34:07):
they want to either work with you or just keep
up with you on social media things like that.
Speaker 3 (34:13):
Yes, well, thank you so much for having me, and
I would love to connect with anyone who might you know,
resonate with some of the things I shared. You can
find pretty much all the information on my website about
my books and my consulting. You can just go to
my consulting page, book yourself right into my calendar. But
I'm also I'm on Instagram at loreally Balance, and I'm
also having fun on TikTok, so I actually think TikTok
(34:34):
information is kind of more aligned structurally with this type
of information, So TikTok as well also loarely balanced.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Okay, And I will put all of that in a
description for this podcast again. The book is called Recipes
for an Aching Heart. Lourally, thank you for being here.
It was so nice to catch up with you again.
Speaker 3 (34:51):
Thank you, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,
where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a
little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty
and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.
Conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. It's the Velvet's
Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson, certified holistic chef.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Laura Lee Bryant is here. Hi, laur Le Hi, how
are you. I'm good. I was just saying to you,
this is like sort of like a little catch up
for us. We've known each other for a really long time.
Back in the blog days. Is how I think that
you and I got connected. There was ll Balanced and
I had Velvet's Edge, the blog, and we used to
(00:32):
go to like blog events together back in the day.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Yes, it's like blog retreat. That was definitely the height
of all of that.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I feel like we were bloggers before everyone was a blogger,
and so now it feels a little oversaturated. But back
in the day, you guys that are listening, when we
had these blogs, it was like, I don't know, it's
like the heyday. We got to go to all these
cool events. We would go on these trips together. It
was so fun, was fun.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
I know I kind of missed that, but yeah, but
this was long overdue.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Yes what we were saying, because we haven't had a
time to catch up since then. Both of us, I
think have kind of gone through similar experiences, and it's
just that stage of our life as women, where your
thirties and into your forties, I think you're really figuring
out your path, your purpose, you are, and all of
those important factors into that and what makes you you.
(01:28):
So back when I knew you and you had ll
balanced in a couple cookbooks under your belt, life seemed
pretty picture perfect on the outside. I mean, I feel
like you had this very successful career, you were married,
there were all these things that I think anyone looking
in would be like, this girl's got it figured out.
(01:50):
And then since then, and I know this now from
reading the new book, but some things have shifted and
it sounds like life took a turn. So can you
kind of do a little obsession with me now and
maybe give the listeners a little backstory because I think
this will lead into what you are doing now.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
Yeah. Absolutely, So. You know, I met my ex husband
when I was twenty seven, which isn't that young, but
the reality was when I met him, I had just
graduated from culinary school, and besides knowing that I wanted
to do this like food stuff, I really had no
idea who I was. I mean, all of this is
(02:29):
in retrospect. I didn't realize that this at the time,
but I really didn't know who I was. And the
truth is, he really did, like he was very consistent
about who he was and what he wanted from the beginning,
and as we you know, we had a really quick engagement.
It all kind of happened relatively quickly, and I think
as I grew up, kind of alongside the relationship and
(02:54):
the marriage, I started to get to know myself and
realize that even so he'd been really consistent, I was
actually a very different person than I was trying to be.
And I felt very sure that the version of myself
that I was getting to know, which was my more
authentic self, was not going to be compatible with like
(03:15):
big life things that he wanted versus what I wanted.
And that was a excruciating revelation. And it also, you know,
it doesn't happen overnight, So I think it was one
of those things where as my career grew that really
sort of catalyzed getting to know myself better. But it
also meant that it was behind the scenes, I was
(03:35):
realizing more and more that the relationship that I was
in wasn't the right fit, and you know, there was
a lot of shame about that, but at the end
of the day was it was definitely the right decision,
I think for both of us. But that's kind of
what was going on behind the scenes, and I was
just trying to pretend like everything was still great.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Yeah, why do you think we do that as women?
Because I think that's a big thing. I mean, with
it the beginning of your career taking off, or just
the idea like being in the South, you know, divorce
is bad or anything like that, Like what do you
think the message is going through your head where at
that time.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
I definitely think there is a lot of stigma around
divorce for sure, and I, you know, was aware enough
that part of being an influencer. Again, it's not like
these were things I was musing over in a really
specific way at the time. But again, looking back, I
can see that I think on a semi conscious level,
(04:35):
I was afraid of what it would mean because I
knew so many people in my community thought I had
it all together. Because we are taught as women, especially
in the South, that this is the right thing and
this is what you're supposed to do, and it's a
huge problem if that somehow is not a good fit
for you. So I think I was swallowing that shame
in a lot of ways, and I also was really
(04:56):
scared of what it would mean for, you know, every
aspect of my life.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Yeah. I think that's one of the things that people
underestimate about the influencing culture just in general. It is
like when you make your life kind of the storyline
for your business in some capacity, when that life starts
to shift, it's very uncomfortable to navigate because you're doing
it in front of a lot of people.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
M hm oh yeah. Yeah. I had to make that
mistake three times, three times hearing about the relationships before
I learned my lesson. But you know, yeah, it is.
It's tricky, and I think I think that right after
my divorce, I still refused to really face what I
was experiencing. I think because I really felt like it
(05:44):
was the right decision. I mistook that for being healed
from it, or being okay. I wasn't okay. I wasn't healed.
But because I felt like, Okay, this is the right thing,
I confused the two and I really tried to just
barrel ahead, and for a while, even through my second
book through all of that pain and what was going on,
(06:05):
you know, below the surface, and try to keep my
personal and professional life kind of separate in terms of
how my work showed up, and eventually I really hit
that rock bottom.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Well, talk me through a little bit of the patterns
you started to recognize in yourself, because I resonate with
everything you just said, and I feel like a lot
of times when we do the barrel forward, it does
feel good kind of in the moment, because it's like, Okay,
I'm good. It's like this like reassurance to yourself, like no,
this is fine, that was the right decision, This is good.
I can keep moving. I can do this. But you
(06:38):
said there was a lot that you were kind of
keeping under the surface. So what did that look like?
And then what were some of the patterns that you
started to recognize within yourself as you kept barreling forward.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Yeah, definitely. I think even though I had had the
awareness that while my ex husband was very consistent and thorough,
you know, throughout that I was sort of the one
who was changing and growing and learning and wasn't particularly consistent,
that I was aware of what that actually meant and
(07:09):
what I then wanted and needed and what was right
for me that I didn't know. I just knew okay,
that wasn't that wasn't the right fit. And I think
it was more of what's not versus what is. And
so the pattern really that I noticed was simply that
I was just attracting relationships that weren't compatible for me,
that weren't right for me at all, whatever the reasoning is,
(07:33):
and it's because I still didn't really know who I
was or what I wanted in a romantic relationship. I was,
I had a much clearer idea of who I am
as a businesswoman, who I was when it came to food.
All of that felt really solid. And again I think
I confused that with my personal inner identity. And unfortunately
(07:54):
it did take you know, going through just an excruciatingly
sad heartbreak for me to finally say something has to change.
I have to actually stop and investigate this rather than
just the numbing and the you know, full steam ahead.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
So what does that look like when you have that realization,
like you hit a bottom if you want to call
it that, or you go through another heartbreak, What what
did that look like for you? In those days after
that like, did you you know, how do you find yourself?
I guess is what I'm asking ultimately, Yes.
Speaker 3 (08:29):
So after my divorce, I honestly and part of the
reason it was such a tough time was because I
was just again pushing the feelings down and covering it
up with While I was writing a healthy cookbook, I
was covering it up with eating just not eating well
at all, drinking way too much, not taking care of myself.
Like I am all about indulgences in moderation, but I
(08:52):
was really not eating. I was eating just like mostly
sugar and fast food, I mean things I would never
have recommended the quantities that I was having them, So
I did that after my divorce. That was my numbing
and coping. Those are my numbing and coping devices, plus
I think being a workaholic. But the breakup that I had,
(09:13):
it was February of twenty twenty one, and I had
actually moved out of my ex boyfriend's house in a
snowstorm at night, and over the course of three hours,
I moved into an airbnb with a girlfriend, and I
just was so beyond devastated that even those numbing and
(09:34):
coping devices just weren't they weren't cutting it. And the
thing is, yes, I was grieving that most recent relationship,
but I was also grieving my marriage, like I was
grieving all of the things that I hadn't faced yet.
So it was a culmination of a lot, and it
was to the point where I just realized that I
needed to take a different approach and actually have a
(09:57):
holistic approach, much like I've had with food to heartbreak,
which I've never I'd never studied that before, I'd never
heard of that before. And so I started working with
a coach and I was learning some of these some
mindset tools, but I also knew. I just knew, Okay,
I can't do the kinds of exercise that I used
(10:18):
to because I can tell it's dysregulating my nervous system.
I can't eat the kind of things I've been eating.
It's just making me feel so much worse. I can't
socialize the way I've been socializing. It's making everything worse.
And so then I was like, Okay, but then what
do I replace that with.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Yeah, it's so interesting because as I'm listening to talk,
I'm thinking just about our culture in general, that it
is kind of the way that we look at life
like we want it to just be pretty on the outside.
And so you're sitting here, you're saying, you're writing this
book that's like all about holistic healing through food and
how to take care of yourself. Yet behind the scenes,
(10:54):
your life didn't look like that. But it's almost like
people don't care or like until we actually embrace it ourselves.
Like people just want the pretty picture, and so a
lot of times, I think the pressure we put on
ourselves is to just do that at any cost. And
what I hear you saying is like, no, what I
realized is like that was like slowly killing me. And
I wasn't living in an authentic place either. So was
(11:17):
there like a breakthrough moment when things just like kind
of came to light for you?
Speaker 3 (11:22):
I think it really was that next morning when I
woke up in the Airbnb. I mean, it was just
it was a level of pain that I hadn't experienced,
and it was just it was definitely one of my
darkest moments, and I think that was you know, I
think a lot of the time, change doesn't happen in
(11:42):
an instant, but I really do feel like in this situation,
even though I took a lot of steps, and it
took a lot of work and repetition and practice. I
do think that morning I immediately knew I have to
do something different. I really did in that time, and
you're so right. One of the other greeting process is
that I've had to do in the last few years
since that time has been in realizing that understandably. You know,
(12:08):
Instagram in particular is a very voyeuristic platform by nature,
you know, and that's how it developed. Ten years ago.
Was at least a lot of my engagement. I think
a lot of it was for food, and I think
people do did like my food, do like my food,
but I do think a lot of it was that,
you know, it's like semi attainability, that perfect life, that aspirational,
(12:31):
you know, perspective. And I from that day on, one
of the many changes that I made was I promised
myself I will never share a relationship publicly again, you know,
pictures or specifics or anything like that. And I also
just generally decided to be much more private and be
in my life a lot more. And that has been
(12:54):
for my mental health incredibly, just healing. But it has
also meant that I've lost a lot of engagement over
eight years, and that's like, that's a bummer, you.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Know, totally. I mean, I feel like you're telling my
story because it's so similar. I just have gone through
the same thing. And I've actually heard so many other
if you want to call them, quote unquote influencers or
whatever we were, you know, or whatever that is called
back in the day. But like I do think from
a mental health perspective, as a culture, maybe it was
the COVID pandemic or just that that feels like a
(13:27):
lot of people kind of hit some sort of realization
during that time because of that or because of other
things happening in their life, But like we need more
of the real now, which is I think what you
hit too, was like I have to find some middle
ground between the way I'm living my life and then
the work that I'm doing, Like it has to be
(13:48):
cohesive through my life. And I feel that too, and
keeping some things for ourselves as sacred private things, you know,
because we've lived in this culture that was just kind
of making everything in life storyline, which is good if
things are good, but man, when things are bad, it's
not so pretty, that is it.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
That's it. Whenever I feel that, you know, disappointment of
I wish I had, you know, a faster growing community,
I wish I had just more interaction in general, I
just always go back to the fact that, yes, the
highs are high, but the lows are so so low,
and I wouldn't I wouldn't trade it for a day.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Well, let's talk. Let's switch into what you are doing now,
because you did hit such a really dark season of
your life, but now it seems like it's brought you
to maybe one of the brightest moments of your life.
You have a new book called Recipes for an Aching Heart,
Healthy and Easy Meals to help you heal from grief, loss,
or the stress of everyday life. So you've really taken
(14:52):
your pain and turned it into this passion for helping
other women go through breakups or divorces and really like
what that means psychologically and what the healing process can
look like. So can you talk to us a little
bit about when the shift happened for you into this work.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Yeah, I mean truly it was. It kind of all
happened right after that breakup because while I was working
learning some of these mindset tools from a coach. I
also was making a lot of actual lifestyle shifts. I
didn't know the science behind it right away, but I
was really listening to my body, and I could tell
when I was activated in my nervous system, dysregulated, when
(15:34):
something that normally might have been energizing was really depleting.
And so I kind of started writing down, like all
these these things that I was naturally shifting over to
instead of what I'd been doing. And then as I
implemented that and time went on, I actually it was
so successful. It was it was such a powerful healing experience.
(15:56):
And I mean in my body, but actually most importantly
in my mind because it's all related. And it was
very much like twelve years ago when I started studying
holistic food. I remember for the first time reading the
work of a woman named Kimberly Snyder back in twenty twelve.
(16:16):
And Kimberly, Yeah, no one knows about her. She was
the generation before us.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Gosh, yeah, she was OG.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
She was the OG. And I remember she was the
first person who was talking about the relationship between food
and mental and emotional health. And it was such an aha,
very much like what I experienced two years ago. Which
is this aha of when we are grieving, we cannot
separate that from what we normally do and try to
(16:42):
again just move through the world in the same way
when you are really grieving and when you are in
that state of particularly when your brain is perceiving a
breakup as a rejection, which by the way, it can
do even if you were the one who ended it,
you can still perceive it as a rejection when you're
in that. What I say to my clients is they're
(17:02):
literally in a different like time space continuum. They're on fire,
they're tired and wired. They're not living this in the
same world that the rest of us are living in.
So I wanted to create a protocol that basically builds
a world to help them heal inside and out, even
when the rest of the world around them isn't honoring
what they're going through to the extent that they really need.
(17:25):
And so just started studying it. I started studying the
work of Pmlody, doctor Helen Fisher, Elizabeth Koopler Ross, the
book Attached by Rachel Heller and Amir Levine, and I
created this and a lot of actual, you know, scholarly articles,
scientific journals and really came up with a psychological and
physiological set of tools, sets of tools that I then
(17:50):
use for my clients that I now take them through.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
Yeah, I mean you're mentioning first of all, people that
I love P Melody. I mean all of these people too.
Even the book, it's hat like it's all talking about
I think, you know, attachment in general and relationships is
such a big topic in our culture. So a lot
of people know about that, but so much of that
is like about regulating your nervous system. So what are
the connections between food and what we consume or what
(18:16):
we don't consume? Because I know when I'm going through grief,
I have such a hard time eating in general, Like
that becomes very difficult for me because I feel so
like physically nauseous because my nervous system is like so disregulated.
So what did you find with the connections between this
holistic diet or you know, eating plan and regulating your
(18:37):
nervous system?
Speaker 3 (18:39):
Definitely, I would say, you know specifically, So let me
say too, when a client comes to me, I can
tell pretty quickly through a thirty minute call if we're
a good fit. And I know someone's a good fit
if they are probably going to fall into the buckets
of anxiously attached or tend towards that they again perceive
the breakup as action, even if they initiated it. They're
(19:02):
very disregulated. They have these looping, obsessive thoughts, and all
of those things tell me, and this is pretty much
always the case, that they're probably not going to have
much of an appetite again. They're going to feel like
they're on fire. Everything is painful, everything's hard. Sometimes they
may vacillate from that into numbness a little bit, but
either way, they're probably nothing sounds good to them. Not
(19:25):
only does nothing sound good to them food wise, but
when they do get a little bit hungry, they may
crave something that's so not what they would normally. Ever,
I mean for me personally, and I've seen this with
several clients. I have a huge sweet tooth, but when
I am grieving, when I'm in that particular that much
of a dysregulated state, the idea of something sweet makes
(19:45):
me nauseous. All I want is salt. If I'm going
to eat something, I want it to be salty. So
what I do is say, Okay, this is the state
that they're in. The stage of grief that they're in.
What is going on with their digestion, because it affects
your immune system, your gut microbiome, It affects your adrenaline
and your cortisol, It affects your neurotransmitters. In the beginning
(20:06):
of a breakup. Again, for my specific client, they have
a lot of dopamine because they're often still their brain
is in the protest phase, the chase, the I can
fix this, I can get them back, and so again,
cortisol and adrenaline are through the roof, which may also
lessen appetite. So there's a lot of things that are
contributing to that. Plus their digestion is just more sensitive.
(20:28):
So whereas you know, on a normal day, quote normal
I might offer them, I might say, yeah, sure, your
usual lunch of this salad with mixed screens and all
these raw veggies and nuts and seeds and dried fruit.
Maybe that's super healthy quote healthy for you normally. But
that's not going to go down well. So let's focus
(20:50):
on things like if you're going to have vegetables cooked
or blended into a smoothie or a soup, let's you know,
be really liquefying the diet as much as possible. Let's
check with your taste buds what actually might sound good,
and we keep it as simple but nutrient dense as possible.
And then as time goes on, what I tend to
find is they move into more of the clinic. When
(21:11):
I say depression, that's Elizabeth kou Koubleros's depression, not clinical depression.
So the depression stage, which leads into the acceptance stage.
As we do all this work on their mind, which
is really where the change happens, what then results in
their body is their appetite increases, and this is where
they might tend to find. Cravings come in hot one
(21:34):
because they've probably been deprived for a while. It's just
really hard to get the amount of calories and nutrition
that you need when you have absolutely no appetite. So there,
you know, the hunger comes back with a vengeance. And
then we start to see because they're losing some of
that dopamine, dopamine decreases, then their brains might start looking
for that dopamine, which may come in the form of
(21:56):
hyper palatable foods. So that's when all of a sudden
they want, you know, the fast food and the sugary
food and the carbe crunchy, all of that, and so
we have to come up with healthier alternatives of their
favorite cravings.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Yeah, it's so interesting to hear you talk about the
science behind it, because what I do think that I
started to realize, like going through a deep grief is
like you don't want to eat, like you're saying, you
don't have this appetite, But when you don't take care
of yourself, it's such a spiral effect into so many
different things. Like you mentioned gut health, I think it
(22:31):
really can affect your sleep as well, and so there's
all these other physical things happening to you and all
you can really think sometimes when you're in that deep
of grief is like getting out of bed feels so
difficult and like you're exhausted. So I love this idea
of like, no, we really still have to nourish our bodies,
Like the importance of nourishing our bodies through that time.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
Yes, definitely, And you're so right. I mean it extends
so far beyond you know, gut and appetite. It really
can and be sleep and brain fog and just just
like you said, the most basic, simple tasks can feel insurmountable,
and so a lot of the work I do with
my clients is helping them through some of these thoughts
(23:13):
that you know that they're having of I'm lazy or
you know, I can't get it together. We do a
lot of work on those things, and also we just
kind of clear out the clutter and say what needs
to be done now. So I am a huge fan
of becoming a no person. I talk about this in
the book I have. In the beginning of the book
I did, there's a section called how to Mend an
aching Heart. And obviously it's not a one size fits all,
(23:35):
but some of those lifestyle shifts are so massive because,
like you said, just everything is.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
A victory totally. And I don't think that many of
us know any of these holistic tools because I think
the way society present that is like either get up,
get up and get back out there kind of mentality,
or you know, drink your way through it, or just
keep moving through work like you were saying, and there
isn't this moment to actually healthily process feelings, which is
(24:04):
so so so important because if you don't get it out,
like you're just going to take it with you into
something else, is what I've learned at least.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
Oh for sure. What's the book The Body keeps the Score? Yeah,
it does so true. And also, you know, one thing
I really believe very strongly is that time doesn't heal
all wounds. Time lessens the acuteness of how often you
are experiencing it day to day, but it stays in
(24:32):
your in your nervous system and your brain, and so
you know, I think that's one of the reasons why
interestingly this actually surprised me. I would say at least
half of my clients went through their breakup or divorce
over a year ago, several of them three four years,
because it stays.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
Yeah, and sometimes I don't know that we're ready to
work through it right away because the pain is just
too immense, and so it just takes time, but it
will stay with you. So the only way at is
three is what I always say. But you've mentioned a
couple times when you're working with a client, So talk
us through some of the work you're doing now, like
as a holistic coach, what does a session like you
(25:12):
look like, with a session with you look like? And
that process.
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Absolutely so specifically, I am a holistic breakup coach. So
I am not a relationship coach by any means. That
is not my area of expertise. But what I specifically
specialize in is I have this thirty minute compatibility call
where I get to know, Okay, are we a good fit?
And like I said, now after about eight months, it's
been about eight months of working with clients, I can
(25:38):
tell pretty quickly if someone is a good fit for me.
If someone comes to me and they say I went
through a breakup or a divorce and it's just hurting,
but I know that I'm really clear that this was
the right thing, and I can tell they don't need
to pay me, they don't need me. Yeah, I only
work with someone who their brains are going completely out
(25:59):
of control. They can't stop the self blame, the self criticism,
the what if I'd just done this one thing differently,
all of that kind of talk. Because I can also
see in their bodies the way that they show up
if they need the kind of work that I do.
So once I decipher if someone is a good fit,
then we start working together. And you know, when I
(26:20):
first started this, I had a more traditional kind of
coaching style of saying Hey, you pay me this amount
of money for six weeks a couple months, but I
really this time goes on. That wasn't the right fit
for me or my clients because they're all in different stages.
So I work with people minimum three sessions because we
do need to move the needle. But after three sessions,
(26:42):
it's completely up to them. It's much more like a
sort of therapist approach. But what I do is and
I actually require all of my clients to work with
a therapist as well. And my whole program was vetted
by a licensed therapist. It was co created with her.
And like I said, everything is pulled from research in
science or I say, this is my personal opinion. But
what I do is I take women, and particularly I
(27:04):
only work with women who are in that sort of
brain on fire, can't stop obsessing and looping, and we
create peace and closure and clarity, and we give them
the tools. I give them the tools to not only
kind of get over the pass and what happened and
understand their relationship blueprint is what I call it, but
(27:25):
tools that they can then take into their next relationship.
So I am the middleman. I'm not there, you know,
helping them when the relationship is falling apart, definitely can't
speak to that, and I'm not there when they are
dating someone new and you know, getting into a new relationship.
I usually take them up to the point where they
have one to two first dates, usually on an app
(27:47):
and we do the work to establish, you know, what
their wants and needs and boundaries are, and then I
kind of send them off into the world.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
And then the book is called Recipes for an Aching Heart,
which we've mentioned a couple of times, but you if
you break down your story and then you also give
a lot of like daily insight tips into you know,
just some of the ways that you regulate your nervous
system through the day, some of the things you've learned
through the process of your healing work. Can you give
us a couple of the just the big guys of
(28:18):
like the ones that you find the most important that
you mentioned in this book.
Speaker 3 (28:22):
Totally, I think one of the best things that you
can do. Some people tend to have a harder time
at night, some people in the morning, but I really
think coming up with a grief specific morning routine is
one of the most important parts. If you can start
the day as regulated as possible because reality hits us
when we come out of dreamland. And often we're dreaming
(28:42):
about our ex anyway, but reality hits us. And so
one of the best things you can do. Some things
it's all you know, what works for you. But things
like learning some deep breathing like box breathing exercises, learning
some really simple meditation that works for you, getting immediate
sunlight outside, making sure you're hydrated, a little bit of
(29:03):
caffeine if you're a caffeine person, but making sure that
you're limiting your caffeine intake. And then specifically with my clients,
I can't get it, it was too much to get
into in the book, but I do specific writing exercises,
these kind of thought repatterning exercises as part of their
morning routine. So that's a really big one. And then
just some other things to think about are again taking
(29:25):
a look at Okay, here's my normal, quote healthy routine,
and here are the things that usually make me feel good.
And then instead of just doing those because it's what
you've been doing, asking yourself, does this feel like it's
serving me? So maybe you're someone who normally loves a
various boot camper an f forty five class, but that's
probably not the best fit because that's a huge stressor
so shifting to you know, especially if you can get outside.
(29:48):
But walking, hiking, yoga, pilates, all of that can make
a huge, huge difference. This is also a time as
much as possible. I'm not anti distractions. I think there's
a there's a healthy place for you know, Netflix during
this time. But this is a great time to look
at your calendar and say, what can what's in? What
can I say no to? What has to be done?
(30:11):
And with some of my clients will even come up
with these must lists where these are the things that
on a daily basis have to get done, taking medication,
taking care of a child, and then like a bi
weekly or a monthly list, paying bills, you know, in
getting your car inspector whatever it is that's on your
color and the rest of it, honestly is probably needs
(30:34):
to go by the wayside for a while.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Yeah, Yeah, for sure. I love the idea of turning
pain into purpose. And so much too of what I
hear you saying, even with when you're working with your
clients is really developing that relationship with self, you know,
And I think a lot of times as women we
miss that as well. It's kind of like you get
on the fashtack to building a career or whatever it is,
and then you end up in this point in your
life where you're like, who am I? What am I doing?
(30:57):
Do I even like this? So I want to know
what is it feel like to you now, because I
do think you've taken your life experience and really gotten
to know yourself as well, and now you've kind of
connected that to the work you're doing with this book.
You have recipes for an aching heart, so it goes
back to your you know, your culinary stuff as well,
And so what does that feel like to be so integrated?
Speaker 3 (31:20):
It feels amazing. I mean, it feels absolutely amazing. I
think it has, you know. So when I look at
the different books and even my second book, you can
see kind of the stages of it, and you make
such a good point. I think what I'm hearing you
say kind of underneath that is that for a lot
of women, there was either never a true identity cultivated
(31:41):
because we are taught to be chameleons and pleasers, and
often our trauma response is a fond response that's really
common with women, or we've lost our identity because we've
been it's been subsumed by the person that we're in
relationship with. And I'm not even saying it's not that
person's fault, per se, it's that. And we are taught
as women, if someone's going to change, it's got to
(32:03):
be us, right, If someone's going to do the work,
it's going to be us. If someone needs to twist
themselves in a pretzel, and we're all doing it silently
and subtly, we're going to be the ones to twist
ourselves into a pretzel. And that's why I think this
has been such a healing experience for me, because it
has really allowed me to create a much more true
and authentic, while malleable, I mean, we get to change right,
(32:26):
but authentic sense of myself. And I see that so
much in this book. This book is just it's just
like looser. It's less strict. There's even you know, my
first book, which I love so much, it is so
by the book healthy everything is dairy free and gluten
free and cashew cheese and nutritional yeast and datata. And
(32:46):
that's just not how I live my life anymore. I
am someone who really does I Kelly, I feel like,
ten years into Laury balanced, this is the first time
where I genuinely feel like I'm living a balanced lifestyle
after doing this for a decade, is you.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Know, yeah, yes, Well, I just love that you're being
so honest about that journey because I feel like, you know,
as I like I said, as I hear you stop talking,
I'm like, yes, this is what I went through as well.
And it is so difficult because I think we just
have so much comparison on social media and just out
there in general. So I love that you're bringing the
honest story to your work life and public life and
(33:24):
putting that out there. And I also love the work
that you're doing because I feel like teaching each of
us and like, you know, women in general is like
we've been talking about women's I'll keep it on women.
But like the fact that it's okay to grieve and
that it's a process and to feel the feelings. I
think that's such we do each other such a disservice
when we don't talk about all of that and what
(33:45):
goes into that, because it is a it is a process,
and it can be a beautiful process. On the other side,
like you're I think, experiencing and perfect proof of but
without the tools and without maybe even the help or insights.
It's happen that way and it's just not talked about.
So I really love what you're doing. Thank you for
being here with us. Where can people find you if
(34:07):
they want to either work with you or just keep
up with you on social media things like that.
Speaker 3 (34:13):
Yes, well, thank you so much for having me, and
I would love to connect with anyone who might you know,
resonate with some of the things I shared. You can
find pretty much all the information on my website about
my books and my consulting. You can just go to
my consulting page, book yourself right into my calendar. But
I'm also I'm on Instagram at loreally Balance, and I'm
also having fun on TikTok, so I actually think TikTok
(34:34):
information is kind of more aligned structurally with this type
of information, So TikTok as well also loarely balanced.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Okay, And I will put all of that in a
description for this podcast again. The book is called Recipes
for an Aching Heart. Lourally, thank you for being here.
It was so nice to catch up with you again.
Speaker 3 (34:51):
Thank you, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,
where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a
little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty
and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.
Host
Kelly Henderson
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.