Viral TikTok creator and comedian Hope Woodard joins Kelly to share the raw, hilarious, and deeply personal story behind Boysober—a self-defined dating detox that turned into a global movement and iHeartPodcast. From chaotic situationships and generational patterns to self-worth and family healing, Hope opens up about what drove her to pause dating, what she learned about herself in that space, and how the movement continues to evolve. This episode dives into what it means to prioritize yourself over being wanted, and how humor, heartbreak, and healing can coexist.
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Podcast: Boysober
Read: 'She's not celibate, she's boysober'
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HOST:
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's The Velvet's
Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Hope Woodard is a comedian, storyteller, and creator who turns
life's chaos into connection. She's also now the host of
the iHeartMedia podcast. Boy Sober a personal concept that sparked
a global movement among women looking to prioritize themselves over men.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
I hope, thank you so much for being here.
Speaker 4 (00:31):
Oh man, I'm excited to chat.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Okay, well, we obviously have to start with what is
boy sober? What does that mean?
Speaker 5 (00:38):
You know? I like to keep like the definition kind
of vague because I like to tell people to like
make it personal, you know. In the beginning, like it's
definitely about decentering men, decentering romance and like kind of
taking a step back from male validation, romantic validation and
(00:59):
asking yourself, like, Okay, what do I want now that
I'm like not acting in a way to be chosen
by a man or to like get that approval, get
that romantic approval. So it's really kind of about like
putting yourself at the center of your life and then
sort of like doing some self interrogation, asking yourself, Like
(01:22):
what do I want? What kind of sex do I
want to be having, What kind of romance do I
want to have? What does my life look like when
I'm happy and alone? And also kind of like taking
responsibility for yourself, especially in romantic situations. I feel like
it's so easy these days to like blame all men,
(01:44):
hate all men, and like I totally have been there,
and like they make it easy sometimes, you know, literally,
like they make it so easy sometimes, but it's like
so much more empowering to be like, Okay, yes, maybe
it's the guy's fault, but maybe also like I can
be in control of like my own steps, my own wants,
(02:05):
and like how I interact with men and the power
that I give them, and how can I sort of
like take ownership of that and take control of that,
and how can I like take steps to get what
I want, not just be what I think somebody wants
me to be.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
You know, I love this concept.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
We talk about a lot of things in relation to
that on this podcast. I've had similar maybe similar experiences.
I'm gonna ask you a little bit about yours. We
always talk about kind of what you're talking about about
decentralizing the relationship, like it's a relationship, not the universe, right,
Like instead of revolving around the relationship in your life,
building your own life as well, and then you bring
(02:47):
a relationship in as a piece of that life. Great,
but it doesn't really be the entire universe.
Speaker 5 (02:53):
I know you're in Nashville, and I was wondering if
you like grew up in the South.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
Oh yeah, I'm from Louisiana, so the Deep South.
Speaker 5 (02:59):
Yeah, And I do, like, I do think this is
like can be an international thing, it can be a
thing anywhere, but I do think like specifically in the South,
especially where like religion Christianity is like such a such
a deep part of our culture.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
Like the idea of sort of getting.
Speaker 5 (03:17):
Your life to revolve around demand is like so natural.
Speaker 4 (03:23):
It's like it's encouraged.
Speaker 5 (03:25):
It's like, you know, like since I was in kindergarten,
my mom was like, Okay, who's your boyfriend?
Speaker 4 (03:31):
Do you know what I mean? Instead of like, Hey, what.
Speaker 5 (03:34):
Do you like in class, She's like, who do you
like in class?
Speaker 4 (03:38):
And who likes you back?
Speaker 5 (03:40):
You know? So I just feel like in the South,
like everything for a girl is all about like who
is interested in you? And in what man are you
getting to fall in love with you? Rather than like,
what are you interested in?
Speaker 2 (03:57):
You know, totally, it's like our part of our dentity
is built into who we're dating, who we like, who
likes us, instead of the things that actually make us
up as a person.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Right.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Of course, we talked about this a little bit before
the podcast, but you basically posted a TikTok about this
topic of being voice sober that went viral, and I
would I was wondering what made you even post that TikTok? Like,
how did you get where you got with this concept
of voice sober? Was it a situationship? A bad relationship?
Speaker 3 (04:27):
How did this start?
Speaker 5 (04:29):
Essentially, I was technically single, okay, okay, but I had
this ex boyfriend who was always in and out of
my life, and I would essentially get into a situationship
with a guy from Hinge and then I would be
like bored of that, and then I would call my
ex back and he would come over and I would
get bored of him again, and then I would go
(04:49):
to somebody else and then go back to my ex.
Speaker 4 (04:52):
And I was doing all this back and forth.
Speaker 5 (04:54):
I was posting my life on the internet, right like
my love life, my crushes, my dates, Like I was
just telling everything and the X and he was like
my best ex. Like when I tell people I had
to go boysover, they always assumed that like a man
really did me wrong, and like I had, I've had
men do me wrong, but I was doing this man wrong.
Speaker 4 (05:15):
Even though we weren't together.
Speaker 5 (05:18):
Like I knew he loved me, and I knew he
would always be there for me, and I was always
hoping that maybe one day I would finally fall in
love with him.
Speaker 4 (05:26):
Too, you know.
Speaker 5 (05:28):
And I did love him in a way, but I
was never like fully in love with him. So in
the summer of like twenty twenty three, essentially we're like
in the throes of this pattern, right. I had fallen
in love with this guy from London and just like
the British accent like made me crazy and I was
just like doing anything I could do to get him
(05:50):
to like me, and he just like wanted nothing to
do with me, and finally he just ghosted me. And
after he ghosted me, I went back to this ex
and we spent like three straight days together, you know,
and then again I was like, oh, sick of you,
get out of my house, you know, and I posted
a TikTok about it, being like my ex just came
(06:11):
over for three days. My ex's boss found this TikTok
and sent it to him and said, are you okay?
And now my ex had me blocked on Instagram and
TikTok and everything. So anyways, he unblocks me on everything, right,
and he goes through my tiktoks and he sees that
(06:35):
in between our times together, he sees who I've been with,
he sees who I've been in love with. He hears
about the dates I've been on, and I'm just like,
oh my god.
Speaker 4 (06:45):
I never meant to hurt.
Speaker 5 (06:46):
Him like that, you know what I mean, Like I knew,
I knew I was sort of like taking advantage of
his love for me, but like I never wanted him
to know. I never wanted that to like, I never
wanted to really break his heart. And around the same time,
I had to like drive from New York to Tennessee
to take care of my grandmother who like has really
(07:07):
bad dementia. And on the drive, he calls me and
he's like I thought he was going to be pissed,
you know, Like I thought he was finally going to
be like, you're a bitch, You've done me wrong, you
don't deserve me, Like I thought he was finally going
to kind of like leave me, you know, but then
he like gave me another chance, and he was like,
(07:30):
can't we just be together? And I was a little
bit upset with him about that because it was almost
this thing of like so many men are like unable
to see women for who they really are. Sometimes they
really only want to see women for like who they
think they are or who they think they can be.
And that might not even be a man or woman thing.
That just might be a if you're in love with
(07:52):
somebody thing, you see them as who you think they
can be, not as who they are being. And so
in that moment, I was like, how can he give
me another chance? How can I hurt someone I do
truthfully love like this, Like something's got to change. So
I tell him, like, I'm gonna think about it, right,
(08:14):
and I go home to take care of my grandmother,
and I tell him, I'm like, I've got to take
care of my grandma for a week, like let's talk
in a week and.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
See how we both feel.
Speaker 5 (08:21):
And while I'm taking care of her like in her
old age, her brain like you know, your brain like
crystallizes in old age, so like your brain really like
solidifies a couple of things, Like in dementia, you don't
really know where you are, but your brain is like
attached to a couple of things. The things that she's
attached to is that like, my grandfather is still around,
(08:44):
and no matter what, every day, on the hour, she's like,
when is Leroy coming home?
Speaker 4 (08:51):
Where is he? Can we go to his work? Da
da da da da.
Speaker 5 (08:55):
And she it's so tough and in a way it's
like very lovely because she's like got this deep love
for him and he was like the only person to
ever make her feel like seen and wanted and at ease.
But at the same time, like she will not accept
help from me and my mom, and she won't really
accept help from like any woman, Like she has verbatim
(09:18):
been like I don't need anyone to help me except
for a man.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
And me and my mom.
Speaker 6 (09:24):
Were just kind of like, well we're here, you know
what you're out of look yeah, like and it's like
my dad and mom divorced when I was younger, so
it's like we were very much like a woman helping
women household sure, And there was one moment where like
I was sitting and I was taking care of her,
and she was texting on her phone and I said,
(09:45):
who are you texting?
Speaker 5 (09:46):
And she was texting my papa. She's like, I'm texting
your papa and he had passed away obviously, so she's
like sort of just texting the ghost of someone.
Speaker 4 (09:56):
And I'm like thinking.
Speaker 5 (09:57):
About how obsessed I become with people who ghost me,
and like.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
How I ghost people who love me.
Speaker 5 (10:05):
And I was just kind of like, oh my god,
Like if I don't get my shit together like immediately,
like I'm gonna be eighty five years old still obsessing
over like some kind of love that is toxic or
absent or I won't be able to like accept the
love that is in front of me. And I was
(10:26):
just like, okay, I have to do like a full stop.
I have to focus on myself. And I sort of
realized I was asking myself, like how am I able
to hurt someone that I supposedly love? And I like
went back into like my earlier experiences with like love
and romance, and like I was really young when I
(10:47):
had my first sexual experience and I was like really
heavily in the church, and like my parents were going
through this divorce and I like wasn't telling anyone and
like we were like learning about it all and you group,
but it was like through a lot of shame and
I didn't have anyone to tell and I was like
having sex and scared I was going to hell and
(11:07):
like just sort of you know, my relationship with intimacy
was like tied to secrecy.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Oh deeply, yeah.
Speaker 5 (11:18):
And I didn't really realize like until I was right
like twenty seven, twenty eight years old, where I was like, okay,
like to be in love with someone or to maybe
even have like an intimate relationship with someone, like secrecy
and shame has to be a part of it. And
I was just like I really need to unpack all
(11:41):
of that. So and I sort of took October like
all this happened from like summer to October, and then
October I was like I had done like moments of
sobriety before giving up drinking, and I was like, I'm
gonna do sober October, but I'm going to give up men.
And my sister, my oldest sister, was like easier going
voice sober and just immediately like it gave sort of
(12:04):
this entire idea of like untangling my relationship to intimacy
and like male attention and like like male security because
I think also what men do for us is like
give us a really deep sense of security, even though
it's like they're so often unreliable or the ones who
(12:25):
are reliable like often of course, right of course, and
like even if you have them until you know, you
get married to them and you want to spend the
rest of your life with them, like they.
Speaker 4 (12:37):
Might die before you, you.
Speaker 5 (12:39):
Know, just like devastating but honest truth, and like at
some point you're gonna have to be alone and have
that sense of security alone. And so that's how the
term came up. Is I just like really needed to
unpack all of that. At the end of the day,
I'm like, I want to be in a healthy relationship
and I would love to be able.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
To have a husband one day and a family and
like have that real true love.
Speaker 5 (13:06):
But like I knew I needed to take time alone
to like actually get there.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
It's reminded me of that quote you can only meet
people to the depths of where you've met yourself.
Speaker 4 (13:17):
Okay, I've never heard that. I've never heard that, but
I love it.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Yeah, it's so what I hear in what you're describing
of you weren't going to be able to pick a
partner that would really suit you or your life or
really show up for that relationship until you took this
time to yourself without the dating, without boys being around.
I'm curious you said you did it for maybe October.
How long did it end up lasting? And then what
(13:40):
do you believe changed in your life by taking dating
off the table?
Speaker 5 (13:45):
You know, it's a really interesting thing because my experience
with this was so tied to like exposure and public opinion. Yeah,
and I've just read the book The Dry Season by
Melissa Febos. She's an author, so her like expression is
(14:06):
so much has a lot more privacy to it, And
she essentially did the exact same thing right where she
took a year away from like romance and sex. And
in the beginning of her book, she was having a
conversation with someone and that person was like, be careful
who you tell, because everyone essentially has an opinion on celibacy,
(14:26):
you know, And so in the beginning like October, November, December,
like it was very like it was intimate, and yes
it was public, but it was like me and my
little corner of the internet, you know, and like my audience.
Like every time I have someone come up to me somewhere,
they're like, oh, I know you from the internet. They're
(14:47):
like the coolest girls, Like they look like somebody I
would like be friends with.
Speaker 4 (14:51):
They're like smart and funny and cool girls, you know.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (14:55):
But then in like January, when the year really kicked off,
a New York Times headline came out about it, and
the headline was like really intense. It was like Hope
Ward's year long quest to not have sex or something.
And I was just like, that is like so intense,
and it was like it was all about celibacy. And
(15:16):
I was sort of like thinking about all the girls,
like truthfully in Tennessee who like still can't have sex
outside of marriage and like feel empowered yeah by it,
And I was like I never ever wanted this to
be like a celibacy is going to Fix Your problems
campaign or like making a woman feel like she can't
have like a full sex life and still be like
(15:38):
worthy of love and still be able to like find
her truth and everything so like the journey continued, but honestly,
it got like my attention and my story like sort
of got so wrapped up in like everyone else's opinion.
(15:59):
And I was dealing with it for a while until like,
oh gosh, I'm just gonna give you the honest truth.
A best friend and I had like a big falling out,
and I'm like codependent in my friendships. Like I don't
know about you, but I'm like, which is also like
something I need.
Speaker 4 (16:15):
To fix, you know, Like I'm like, I love a.
Speaker 5 (16:19):
Codependent female friendship where you just like become sisters and
talk to nobody else, like and just like are attached
to the hip. And like we had a different perspective
on what's happening sort of in the Middle East and
the war, and that is just something that's really important
to me, like activism and sort of seeing seeing that clearly,
(16:41):
Like and she and I loved each other so much
and for so long we were able to like see
past it, but there just came a time in that
moment where like we couldn't really get past our differences.
And you know, as a progressive from the South, like
I have been friends with people who don't agree with
me politically my whole life. And I think that that's
(17:02):
a good and important thing, and that's something where like
living in New York, I get a bit frustrated because
people are only friends with people who think like them,
and I don't. I don't think that's helpful, you know
what I mean, Like, yeah, I think it's absolutely important
to like love and understand people who don't agree with you.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
We just fell.
Speaker 5 (17:21):
Apart and I didn't know what to do without her,
like to be totally honest, Like, without her, I was
like so lost. And then a boy slid into my
DMS and then I was like, you know what, I'm
just gonna go to a show like he is a proof.
He was is whatever, a professional clown. Literally literally it's
(17:46):
so New York.
Speaker 3 (17:47):
It doesn't better.
Speaker 4 (17:48):
It's so New York, like a truly a clown.
Speaker 5 (17:52):
And like the moment I met him, he shook my
hand with like one of those electric buzzers in his
hand and shocked me, and I like want to just him,
like no, I'm like, but I was like so down bad.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
I was like.
Speaker 5 (18:04):
Whatever, and my truth is and like I don't know
if you relate to this, And I'm curious how many women,
especially again women from the South, will relate to this.
But like when I'm performing for a man, I know
exactly what I'm doing. I know how to laugh when
he needs me to laugh. I know how to be
And like, the thing about women from the South is
(18:24):
we are charming. Like we are charming and we are sweet,
and we can say, oh my goodness, and like men
in New York are like so mesmerized by it. If
I'm being honest totally, because women in New York are
honest and straightforward.
Speaker 4 (18:40):
And they tell you how they feel. And I need
more of that in me.
Speaker 5 (18:44):
And like, so the sort of Southern sweetness is like
even when I'm talking with when I'm at a table
with girls from the South, I'm like, oh my god,
I never feel like we see each other and we
see people and we listen in such a sweet way.
And again it can be like taking a litle too
far because sometimes we don't know how to put ourselves first. Sure,
but at the end of the day, it is like
(19:06):
we're good at it. And so I meet this guy
and he's so cute or he's cute enough whatever, He's
like cute and he's funny and we kiss and then
we like I'm like telling myself, I'm like, a kiss
is okay, A kiss is okay, because the truth is,
like I was upset when the headline was about celibacy,
(19:28):
but I also at the same time did want to
reevaluate my relationship to sex sure, because like there's this
sort of like happy medium between saving yourself for marriage
and feeling like you can't have sex until you're married,
but also like having sex in an intentional way apps
(19:49):
like I think hookup culture sort of like sold us
this lie that like having sex whenever you want, however
you want drunks like what so or whenever wherever, like
sold us this lie that like that was empowering, but
like it's not.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
That I agree with you. Yeah, at the end of the.
Speaker 5 (20:09):
Day, it leaves us feeling like confused and empty and
you're like I just did like I was just laying
naked in bed with someone and like they don't know
me or who I am, and that's another sort of
like false sense of connection and vulnerability, and so like
I didn't really want to go back to having sex
(20:31):
because I did want to be able to like work
that muscle of like creating a relationship with a man
without it, because honestly, it makes connection so much easier. Like,
of course you're gonna like someone if you're sleeping with them,
Like sleeping with someone is awesome.
Speaker 4 (20:48):
If it's good, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (20:51):
But we were like together one night, like he was
being romantic and he like read me a poem and
I was like, oh, you're so smart and funny and
like one thing, let's do another, and like we sort
of came to this moment where we all we could
have or couldn't have, and I was like, am I
not having sex for me? Or am I not having
sex because I feel like I'm not supposed to because
(21:13):
I've like told the entire world I'm not going to.
And so I did, and it was nice and it
was fine, you know, and it was good, and like
I honestly like felt kind of some relief because I
felt like I was finally able to like do something
that I wanted to do, not just do something because
(21:34):
people wanted me to do it or because of an
expectation or anything. But the truth is, like, you know,
that happened, but I'm still very much figuring out how
to be in relation to men in a healthy way,
Like if I'm being so honest, like I have not
mastered that skill. And I started talking about this in
(21:57):
twenty twenty three, you know what I mean, almost two
years now, and I'm still like finding myself kind of
in situations with men that I don't even like that much,
or like sleeping with someone because it's easier to just
sleep with them than it is to like be alone
sometimes and so like, the journey is not over, and
(22:20):
I'm like, I really have no idea when it will be. Well.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
I think the interesting thing that I'm thinking as you
talk is what I like about this concept of going sober.
You know, I've done a thing too where I'll take
a break from drinking. I did a year without drinking
one time because I was just in this place of
wanting to do deep dives on some other inner work
with myself, and I've found myself distracting with that, and
so I just was the time of you know, wanting
(22:55):
to reevaluate, I think, is the way you said it earlier,
to really build a true relationship with it that was conscious.
Speaker 3 (23:02):
So it was totally it was like.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
I wasn't just drinking as a habit or whatever I know,
and it's I've done it with dating as well and
with after long term relationships. And what I like about
this concept is the pause, I think is when we reflect.
It's when we actually ask ourselves. Am I living off programming?
Or am I living in the way that is in
alignment with me? That's what I really want. That isn't
(23:26):
just like medicating some fear or whole or whatever you want.
Speaker 3 (23:30):
To call it.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
That's actually intensional, like you said, And so I love
that idea. And then as you were just saying the
last part, I thought to myself, I'm in a relationship
now though, and I don't know that the work of
that ever ends, because when you enter into a relationship
there's new depths that you'll meet yourself, or new things
that will come up, new patterns you'll notice within yourself.
(23:51):
So I just like the idea of asking ourselves the
questions and giving ourselves the space to take the paw,
to sit in the quiet, because I don't find that
we do that very often in our culture. It's just
the go, go go, it's what you've reined to do
without thinking, we just show up and do it.
Speaker 5 (24:11):
Absolutely, for me, it was a piece of like really
unlearning some examples like the grandmother and mother piece of
it all was like I was like, I want to
heal this part of me because I want to have
a daughter one day and I want to be able
to like not give her this same script, you know, totally.
Speaker 4 (24:34):
It's like both my mom.
Speaker 5 (24:36):
It was so interesting because like during this time, it's
like I've been doing a lot of just like writing
and thinking, and I was going back to, like, you know,
my first moment with intimacy, and like I sort of said, like,
because I really do think if we don't heal those
earlier moments and sort of get those skeletons out of
the closet, they're in there dancing.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Oh yeah, I always yes, absolutely and strings yeah.
Speaker 5 (25:02):
And I wrote this big, long piece just about how
that happened, because again, my parents kind of got divorced
and my mom got really depressed and my dad like
moved out of the house, and like so it was
just sort of like me and my boyfriend, like he
became my family, you know.
Speaker 4 (25:19):
And I feel like so many girls do that.
Speaker 5 (25:20):
They replace they replaced their family with their boyfriend, and
then they have no idea how to feel safety or
love outside of that specific type of love. And I
was like reading her the story and I stopped, and
I had never told her how old I was when
I lost my virginity, never told her about this entire thing,
Like this is the first time she was hearing about
(25:41):
all this, And I was like, I stopped kind of
after that moment, and I was like, how do you feel?
And she was like, the same thing happened to me,
same timing, same thing. My grandparents got divorced, my grandmother
moved in with another man, my grandfather disappeared, mom turned
a boyfriend into a family and like that for me
(26:04):
was like I don't know, so it made so much
sense because we do just like we repeat, like stories
will repeat and repeat and repeat if we don't like
stop and take the time to be like, okay, what
was passed down? Like so much as in our genetics.
And people don't want to admit that their families are crazy.
(26:26):
But I'm like, to be to be crazy is to
be human, you know what I mean. I don't understand
why it's so hard for people to admit like we
all are we've got some shit, yeah, Like and if
you don't, you're not human, Like and what's the fun
in that, like, you know, like get into it, figure
(26:47):
it out, dissect it, like pull it apart.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
I have a question.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
You've mentioned the breakup of the friend and kind of
that was what led you to get back into dating,
and so I was wondering before that, I think you
were doing your voice over time, and did you notice
a difference between the being alone peace maybe even after
that friendship and actual loneliness?
Speaker 5 (27:12):
You know, I live in New York, yeah, which like
is a lonely place. And it's because it's like there's
so many people around, but you don't know anyone so deeply,
and like I often find myself like missing Tennessee and
missing Nashville and missing a small town and like romanticizing
(27:35):
that in a way, just because like here you can
feel so isolated and I don't really think here people like, yes,
there is a sense of community, but that community sort
of looks like, Okay, if someone falls over and they've
like broken their leg on the side of the road,
ten people will come around and help.
Speaker 4 (27:54):
But as as soon as.
Speaker 5 (27:55):
They're like on their feet and they're okay, it's like
you don't exist again. Right where it's kind of in
a small town or in the South, like there seems
to be just a bit more camaraderie, you know, and
so like loneliness in New York can be tough, and honestly,
like I got to this point where I was here
in New York and I was just feeling so alone
(28:17):
and so kind of isolated, and my life was really online,
and I think like Instagram and TikTok. Though so much
of my work is on there and a lot of
my success can be attributed to that, I do think
it can be a really dangerous world to let yourself
fall into, because it's at the end of the day, disconnection.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
You know.
Speaker 5 (28:42):
It's a very sort of pretend version of connection.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
Like well, because we're all presenting what we want to present.
Speaker 5 (28:50):
We're presenting we're like sip the sighlights.
Speaker 4 (28:54):
We're not with people in a room.
Speaker 5 (28:56):
We're looking at likes, we're looking at reaction, We're letting
so many like comments and opinions, and and honestly, like.
Speaker 4 (29:05):
It just really gets to it gets to me anyways,
you know.
Speaker 5 (29:09):
And so I honestly had to like go back to
Tennessee and live there with my mom and my grandmother,
and like my hometown, best friends, friends that have known
me for life to just like reconnect to myself and
reconnect to them, and in some ways, like friendship and adulthood,
you can become friends with someone because you're a version
(29:33):
of yourself that's like far.
Speaker 4 (29:35):
Away from who you really are.
Speaker 5 (29:37):
You know, like a lot of adulthood I think can
be like getting away from your like childlike self or
your like true at self and like you're trying to
keep up with the joneses and you're trying to do
the thing and you're trying to like act like you're
okay and you're good and you're everything you know, but
getting back to those roots, like it's really something I
(29:57):
had to do, and I think that's something that finally
sort of like gave me a sense of deep connection
and really helped with that like loneliness.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
So basically what I hear, and correct me if I'm
misinterpreting this, but you connecting back with yourself and with
maybe who you were when you were younger, the people
around you who've known you your whole life is really
what helped with the lonely factor during this time.
Speaker 5 (30:24):
Totally, absolutely, it was like being with my high school
friends you know what I mean, like being with people
who've known me my whole life, being with people who will,
like say, who will like call me on my shit
and also know that I'm lovable, you know what I mean, Like, yeah,
that was so important to me. And then also like
I was talking to this one girl who introduced the
(30:46):
concept of like solitude versus loneliness.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Oh that's good.
Speaker 5 (30:50):
Yeah yeah, and like that one little shift in perspective,
and she kind of was like, like she's married now,
and she was like, I, you know, sometimes miss my
time being alone and I miss like being able to
have that solitude. So also like reframing loneliness as solitude
(31:12):
has been really helpful for me too.
Speaker 3 (31:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Well, I think that's what I was initially kind of
wondering with the loneliness versus being alone factor because I
think a lot of people hearing the term voiceover and going, Okay, well,
I'm supposed to take this sabbatical from dating and sex.
I'm going to be so lonely and they freak out right.
The point being what you just said of like we
live online, we live so in the space of like
(31:36):
completely disconnecting on so many levels, right, but we're not
even connecting to ourselves, and the fact that we use
to be alone for a moment sounds scary because we
don't know how to connect with oursels. Hum, do you
feel like you learned more about how to do that
during this time?
Speaker 4 (31:53):
I'm honestly like I am truly in the throes of.
Speaker 3 (31:56):
It, Like, okay, ongoing, still.
Speaker 5 (31:59):
Ongoing, like I will Okay, I'll tell you a bit
of an epiphany I've had because I haven't been with
a guy in a while, but I became sort of
fixated on this guy who kept looking at my Instagram
story okay, and I feel like so many.
Speaker 4 (32:15):
Girls know what this is like. But it's like kind
of a reply guy.
Speaker 5 (32:20):
Kind of a guy who was just like always kind
of in my dms every now and again, and so
it was like every Instagram story I would post, it
was for him, and every everything I would do was
just like, is this going to get a reaction out
of him? And I'm taking a break from drinking again
because I had a day of bottomless mimosas, which.
Speaker 3 (32:40):
Always that's all you gotta say.
Speaker 4 (32:44):
It takes me out of the game.
Speaker 6 (32:46):
Yeah, for a minute, I'm like I got to sit
on the bench for a while.
Speaker 5 (32:51):
But after this, I was like, it was like a Sunday.
I was with my best friend and we had bottomless mimosas,
and I was like, you know what, I'm gonna I
ask this guy what it is he's looking for? Sure,
you know, So I sent him this text message and
I was like, Hey, I'm just gonna be really direct,
like what do you want from me?
Speaker 4 (33:11):
And he was basically like nothing.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
I was like.
Speaker 6 (33:18):
Totally misreading, totally misreading, totally writing a story without your.
Speaker 4 (33:27):
Permission or input.
Speaker 5 (33:29):
But to be honest, that was like three weeks ago,
and since then, like.
Speaker 4 (33:34):
I have felt so sort of like set free.
Speaker 5 (33:37):
I think I'm like giving up drinking for a minute again,
because I'm like, I wish I didn't have to ask
that question after a day of bottomless mimosas, Like why
couldn't you.
Speaker 4 (33:46):
Know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (33:46):
Like I'd like to be able, Like if I'm going
to ask something bold like that, I'd like to be
one hundred percent you know aware.
Speaker 2 (33:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (33:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (33:53):
But since then, I'm like reading books that I'm really
interested in, Like I'm not scrolling and looking for his name,
like I'm not like like I like the term voiceover
is really honest and true and accurate for me because
I do have like a true fixation on like men
and male attention, and I have this like deep thing
(34:15):
of like they are gonna save me from myself, sure,
like if only this guy would like me, if only
this guy would like be in my life. The reality
that I know is as soon as I get them,
I do not want them, you know what I mean,
Like if that guy wanted me, if that guy was
doing more than looking at my Instagram story, I wouldn't
(34:37):
want a thing to do with him. It's like this,
it's this like distance and this fantasy that I'm able
to like come up with in that distance, you know.
But recently, and I think, like the lesson I have
from all of this is like number one, just ask,
like if you are fixated on someone and you've got
(34:59):
this like fantasy in your head, Like I don't know
why it is so hard for us just to ask
a guy or ask someone like do you want to
do this? Like are you interested in me? Like maybe
it's because the fantasy is like so much safer or
like we're in control of it. But since then, I
have like been able to like actually have alone time,
(35:21):
And I think you sort of said this earlier, Like
so much of our alone time now like isn't really
alone time because we're on our phones and like we're
we're taking in like other people's lives and other people's
words and other people's perspectives, and like a little bit
of it is okay, But like to truly have solitude
and like time alone with like your yourself, it's something
(35:45):
you really have to carve out now. It's something you
have to be really intentional about. And so I'm like
reading books that I am enjoying. I'm like having long
talks with my my best friends back home. I'm like
really so kind of settling into like a new sense
of solitude.
Speaker 4 (36:04):
But I had to I had to really set myself free.
Speaker 3 (36:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (36:08):
Yeah, this from the male, specifically one male's gaze.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
I love the conversation about making up the fantasy story too,
because I think that's very common and it's very easy
to do because of the movies we watch, even the
reality shows, like the dating shows. You know, it's this
fairy tale where you fall in love in a week
or whatever, and like it's realistic, but it is what
we're shown all the time. So I think it's very
(36:43):
easy to fall into fantasy thinking, and so giving the
pause again is another way to not do that. But
you mentioned social media and men, and obviously, like with that,
I immediately think of validation, and so I mean you found
new ways to affirm yourself without seeking it out in
those two ways.
Speaker 4 (37:02):
You know, I am getting there.
Speaker 5 (37:05):
I really would need to be better about like writing
down in the morning, like you are beautiful, you are smart,
you are this, you are that.
Speaker 4 (37:14):
Totally.
Speaker 5 (37:14):
I think that's like another thing, and like let me
know if you relate to this. But like for me
growing up, like loving yourself in that way was not
really seen as a necessary thing, and maybe even it
was seen as like a selfish thing to like really
gas yourself up like that.
Speaker 3 (37:34):
Sure, Like to have.
Speaker 5 (37:36):
A deep sense of humility I think is really prioritized
for women or like celebrated for women in the South.
Speaker 3 (37:44):
A Southern Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 5 (37:46):
Like I said, these girls in New York, ye, God,
they let you know, they let you know they're in
the room, they let you know how they think in
la feel. But for women in the South, it's like
to be small is to be celebrated, you know, like
to be nice is to be good to not cause
a rockets to and so like to be totally honest,
(38:09):
like that is also a muscle I'm still really building.
And I think people assume, like just because I'm not
scared to like say how I feel every now and again,
or like put myself out there or like you know,
put myself online or whatever, they might assume that I
have like a really deep sense of confidence. I think
I have like a sense of bravery and maybe a
(38:32):
sense of like I'm not irrational, but I do sort
of do things without thinking too much, and that is
both a good thing and it's gotten me in trouble,
you know what I mean, like one of my best
and worst qualities. So the self affirmation, like I am
definitely building that muscle, like being my own expert. That's
(38:53):
like my focus right now, because honestly, I feel like
a lot of the noise has finally settled, Like at
first this voiceover movement was blowing up and it's a
podcast now, But like I don't really interact with the
Internet in the same way that I did a much
(39:14):
quieter online, a much more like based in reality. And
if I'm being honest, like I do sort of feel
like I'm finally sort of in a moment where I'm
like doing it for myself and on my own terms
and in my own way instead of sort of like
opening it up to the public and being like, how
(39:36):
do you guys think I should do this?
Speaker 3 (39:37):
Right?
Speaker 5 (39:37):
I totally like because like, in all honesty, I think
I replaced like male validation with like comment validation, you know,
which It's like it's a beautiful thing because I love
the girlies in the comments and I'm thankful for them,
and I also know it was like so helpful for them,
Like one of my favorite comments to see as a
(39:59):
girl being like I went voiceover because of you, and
it's been like the best year of my life. Like, yeah,
there's nothing I love more than like getting to inspire
someone to like do something that makes them happier. But
maybe right now I've just been quieter because I'm like
doing that for myself for a little while.
Speaker 2 (40:18):
Yeah, well, I love the idea too. I mean, obviously
you created the concept of voice sober because I TikTok,
but you're also.
Speaker 3 (40:27):
On the journey totally. You can take the pressure off.
Speaker 2 (40:30):
Of having to be these experts because if you're really honest,
like we are all on journeys constant.
Speaker 4 (40:35):
Totally constant.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
When you think you figured one thing out, the way
that like life has worked for me is then there's
another thing, and then it's totally it's just constantly kind
of being in this growth pattern. But you did mention
the podcast, so let's talk about it, because I know
you said that you're six.
Speaker 3 (40:51):
Episodes in, is that right?
Speaker 4 (40:52):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (40:53):
Yeah, So what can the listeners.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
That are listening and interested in this topic or maybe
contemplating going Voiceober themselves, what can they look to expect
in your podcast?
Speaker 3 (41:01):
What kind of guess what you have?
Speaker 5 (41:03):
The first episode is just sort of the introduction, So
the story I've told is sort of like retold but
in kind of a beautiful way, with like recordings of
my grandmother and things like that. The second episode is
like how to be Single. There's another episode about like
another like this woman Melissa Febos. That's the last episode
that came out. That's about like really truly going a
(41:25):
year without sex and like doing a deep internal dive
to like figure out how to untangle your sort of
romantic patterns.
Speaker 4 (41:35):
So that's what it's about. It's about sex.
Speaker 5 (41:37):
It's about being a woman, it's about falling in love,
it's about breaking hearts, and like it's not just about
like abstinence or celibacy or giving men up. It's more
so just like looking at what it is to like
interact with love, self love, familial love, romantic love, and
(41:58):
exploring like all of the different types of love and
like exploring sort of like how we're conditioned to interact
with it and how we can like unlearn a lot
of the ways we were taught to interact with it.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
I think that's beautiful because sober is obviously very tied
to the word like addiction, like totally, and so I
think in a lot of worlds, if you're an addict
of drugs or alcohol, you just stop doing the thing right, right,
But dating and relationships and sex it's a part of
our life, and so it's not a situation where we're
just gonna quit forever because totally we're built for connection
(42:38):
and so we're to do it in a way that
is functioning for our lives and that really serves us.
Do you think that that is a conversation that needs
to happen.
Speaker 5 (42:49):
It's like what you said, like you said you took
a break from drinking. It's like, I know, I know
for me, like again, I'm sort of doing that time
and time again too, like giving it up because I
think like the line between sort of like choosing and using,
yeah is always like very It's like a very delicate dance.
And you can either like choose to have a drink,
(43:11):
choose to have a beautiful night of love making or whatever,
or you can be like using it to like escape
your own body.
Speaker 4 (43:20):
Yep, you know what I mean.
Speaker 5 (43:22):
Yes, And sort of like being able to more often
choose instead of use is like is at the end
of the day the hope you.
Speaker 3 (43:32):
Know, love that choosing versus using.
Speaker 2 (43:35):
So, if you're talking to the girl who created voiceover
the concept, now, how has that term and the whole
experience of being voice sober evolved over the last however
many months this has been.
Speaker 5 (43:50):
Yeah, if I were to go back and sort of
talk to her, I would be like, don't care about
what anyone says, understand it is for you, and that
is something like I also wanted to get across for
other people too, And I think that's why the headline
that came out with the New York Times, like the
first headline about it.
Speaker 4 (44:10):
I was so upset by it because.
Speaker 5 (44:12):
Like we are the we are our own experts, and
like nobody knows your relationship to love and sex and
intimacy and romance like you do. And they're also like
so deeply personal and like we sort of talked about
in the beginning, like it depends on where you grew up,
(44:34):
what type of church you went to, what type of
second grade teacher you had, Like do you know what
I mean? Like all your history, all your history, like
your social personal history, Like is what is going to
like be important to focus on? Like I keep referencing
this book by Melissa Febo's The Dry Season, but she's
(44:56):
got like a list of questions in there that's just
like where I selfish? Where did I hurt people? Where
did I not make myself known? Like and like you
kind of have to answer all of these questions for
yourself and understand that like nobody else's journey is going
to look exactly like yours.
Speaker 4 (45:15):
And that's a good thing, you.
Speaker 2 (45:16):
Know, right, right, so no one else can carve your
path right totally. So if people are listening and they're
like I don't know if I want to go full
boy sober. What is totally thing that you would suggest
to prioritize in their life if they're feeling a little
bit of the itch but not wanting to go the
full way.
Speaker 5 (45:33):
For me, every time I give something up, it's always
because I've gotten sick of myself, you.
Speaker 3 (45:40):
Know what I mean.
Speaker 5 (45:41):
I'm like, I'm like, I am so sick of wallowing
in the same shit, yea, being annoyed with the same shit,
being left on red by the same type of guy.
Speaker 4 (45:53):
So maybe my.
Speaker 5 (45:54):
Advice is just like let yourself get sick of yourself,
because you know what, like like sort of with my grandmother,
you can be stuck in a pattern or a habit
or a chase forever, and it's like, when you're ready,
you will be ready. But just like maybe it's just
(46:15):
like allow yourself to one day be ready and also
allow yourself to take it seriously. Like I think for
a long time, like giving up alcohol for a year
changed my life too.
Speaker 4 (46:27):
I'm assuming it kind of changed your life.
Speaker 3 (46:28):
It was great, one of the best, totally, Like.
Speaker 4 (46:30):
Yeah, absolutely changed my life.
Speaker 5 (46:34):
And I think it's like for a long time, I
knew I had a problem, but I didn't want to
admit it and maybe let yourself admit it that like
this is a bigger deal than you than you're letting
yourself believe. And like you're not a bad person for
admitting that, like something might have a little bit of
(46:54):
control over you. Again, you're totally human, and like are
systems are built to be dependent on shit?
Speaker 4 (47:03):
Like it's so hard, yeah, totally, like.
Speaker 5 (47:07):
You know, and so it's like maybe that it's like
if you're considering it, it's just like allow yourself to
take it seriously and then maybe like have the bravery
to just see.
Speaker 4 (47:20):
What happens, you know.
Speaker 5 (47:21):
And like I think like one of the best pieces
of advice and one of the things that does always
work for me is never to give myself a timeline.
Like every time I've given something up for like a
meaningful amount of time, it was because I was just
like I'm gonna give it up today. Yeah, I'm gonna
give it up today. Again, I'm gonna give it up
to day one more time, like you know what I mean.
(47:42):
And like again, I'm sort of in this moment of
like I've given up drinking and smoking weed and I'm
on like almost thirty days or something, and everybody keeps
asking me, how long are you gonna do this? And
I'm like, I have no idea because I think if,
like I give myself a timeline, you're just itching to
get to that finish line.
Speaker 3 (48:02):
Totally agree.
Speaker 5 (48:03):
Yeah, And it's like, don't give yourself a finish line,
and you know what, let yourself consider getting back in
the game if you want to. But just like, each time,
be honest with yourself, and each day, like and each moment,
be like, am I really ready to let myself go
back to what I was trying to fix?
Speaker 3 (48:21):
I think that's a great, great tip. So well in there.
That was a perfect wrap up. But hope.
Speaker 2 (48:27):
The podcast is called Boy Sober. It's on iHeartMedia, as
I told you, guys, and you can find it anywhere
you listen to podcasts. Where else can people keep up
with you if they're interested in keeping up guys.
Speaker 5 (48:37):
I'm on Instagram at just hoping Along, so it's like
just hopping along, but one.
Speaker 2 (48:42):
P really cute just hoping along. I will put that
as well in the description of this podcast. For you, guys,
thank you so much for being here and sharing your
story with us.
Speaker 5 (48:51):
Thank you for having me. This was so much fun.
Thank you for just letting me yap. I'm like, I
just got to talk and talk and talk.
Speaker 4 (48:57):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (48:58):
We like to do therapy on the podcast, so all right,
Thank you guys so much for listening.
Speaker 1 (49:04):
Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,
where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a
little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty
and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.
Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's The Velvet's
Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Hope Woodard is a comedian, storyteller, and creator who turns
life's chaos into connection. She's also now the host of
the iHeartMedia podcast. Boy Sober a personal concept that sparked
a global movement among women looking to prioritize themselves over men.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
I hope, thank you so much for being here.
Speaker 4 (00:31):
Oh man, I'm excited to chat.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Okay, well, we obviously have to start with what is
boy sober? What does that mean?
Speaker 5 (00:38):
You know? I like to keep like the definition kind
of vague because I like to tell people to like
make it personal, you know. In the beginning, like it's
definitely about decentering men, decentering romance and like kind of
taking a step back from male validation, romantic validation and
(00:59):
asking yourself, like, Okay, what do I want now that
I'm like not acting in a way to be chosen
by a man or to like get that approval, get
that romantic approval. So it's really kind of about like
putting yourself at the center of your life and then
sort of like doing some self interrogation, asking yourself, Like
(01:22):
what do I want? What kind of sex do I
want to be having, What kind of romance do I
want to have? What does my life look like when
I'm happy and alone? And also kind of like taking
responsibility for yourself, especially in romantic situations. I feel like
it's so easy these days to like blame all men,
(01:44):
hate all men, and like I totally have been there,
and like they make it easy sometimes, you know, literally,
like they make it so easy sometimes, but it's like
so much more empowering to be like, Okay, yes, maybe
it's the guy's fault, but maybe also like I can
be in control of like my own steps, my own wants,
(02:05):
and like how I interact with men and the power
that I give them, and how can I sort of
like take ownership of that and take control of that,
and how can I like take steps to get what
I want, not just be what I think somebody wants
me to be.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
You know, I love this concept.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
We talk about a lot of things in relation to
that on this podcast. I've had similar maybe similar experiences.
I'm gonna ask you a little bit about yours. We
always talk about kind of what you're talking about about
decentralizing the relationship, like it's a relationship, not the universe, right,
Like instead of revolving around the relationship in your life,
building your own life as well, and then you bring
(02:47):
a relationship in as a piece of that life. Great,
but it doesn't really be the entire universe.
Speaker 5 (02:53):
I know you're in Nashville, and I was wondering if
you like grew up in the South.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
Oh yeah, I'm from Louisiana, so the Deep South.
Speaker 5 (02:59):
Yeah, And I do, like, I do think this is
like can be an international thing, it can be a
thing anywhere, but I do think like specifically in the South,
especially where like religion Christianity is like such a such
a deep part of our culture.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
Like the idea of sort of getting.
Speaker 5 (03:17):
Your life to revolve around demand is like so natural.
Speaker 4 (03:23):
It's like it's encouraged.
Speaker 5 (03:25):
It's like, you know, like since I was in kindergarten,
my mom was like, Okay, who's your boyfriend?
Speaker 4 (03:31):
Do you know what I mean? Instead of like, Hey, what.
Speaker 5 (03:34):
Do you like in class, She's like, who do you
like in class?
Speaker 4 (03:38):
And who likes you back?
Speaker 5 (03:40):
You know? So I just feel like in the South,
like everything for a girl is all about like who
is interested in you? And in what man are you
getting to fall in love with you? Rather than like,
what are you interested in?
Speaker 2 (03:57):
You know, totally, it's like our part of our dentity
is built into who we're dating, who we like, who
likes us, instead of the things that actually make us
up as a person.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Right.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Of course, we talked about this a little bit before
the podcast, but you basically posted a TikTok about this
topic of being voice sober that went viral, and I
would I was wondering what made you even post that TikTok? Like,
how did you get where you got with this concept
of voice sober? Was it a situationship? A bad relationship?
Speaker 3 (04:27):
How did this start?
Speaker 5 (04:29):
Essentially, I was technically single, okay, okay, but I had
this ex boyfriend who was always in and out of
my life, and I would essentially get into a situationship
with a guy from Hinge and then I would be
like bored of that, and then I would call my
ex back and he would come over and I would
get bored of him again, and then I would go
(04:49):
to somebody else and then go back to my ex.
Speaker 4 (04:52):
And I was doing all this back and forth.
Speaker 5 (04:54):
I was posting my life on the internet, right like
my love life, my crushes, my dates, Like I was
just telling everything and the X and he was like
my best ex. Like when I tell people I had
to go boysover, they always assumed that like a man
really did me wrong, and like I had, I've had
men do me wrong, but I was doing this man wrong.
Speaker 4 (05:15):
Even though we weren't together.
Speaker 5 (05:18):
Like I knew he loved me, and I knew he
would always be there for me, and I was always
hoping that maybe one day I would finally fall in
love with him.
Speaker 4 (05:26):
Too, you know.
Speaker 5 (05:28):
And I did love him in a way, but I
was never like fully in love with him. So in
the summer of like twenty twenty three, essentially we're like
in the throes of this pattern, right. I had fallen
in love with this guy from London and just like
the British accent like made me crazy and I was
just like doing anything I could do to get him
(05:50):
to like me, and he just like wanted nothing to
do with me, and finally he just ghosted me. And
after he ghosted me, I went back to this ex
and we spent like three straight days together, you know,
and then again I was like, oh, sick of you,
get out of my house, you know, and I posted
a TikTok about it, being like my ex just came
(06:11):
over for three days. My ex's boss found this TikTok
and sent it to him and said, are you okay?
And now my ex had me blocked on Instagram and
TikTok and everything. So anyways, he unblocks me on everything, right,
and he goes through my tiktoks and he sees that
(06:35):
in between our times together, he sees who I've been with,
he sees who I've been in love with. He hears
about the dates I've been on, and I'm just like,
oh my god.
Speaker 4 (06:45):
I never meant to hurt.
Speaker 5 (06:46):
Him like that, you know what I mean, Like I knew,
I knew I was sort of like taking advantage of
his love for me, but like I never wanted him
to know. I never wanted that to like, I never
wanted to really break his heart. And around the same time,
I had to like drive from New York to Tennessee
to take care of my grandmother who like has really
(07:07):
bad dementia. And on the drive, he calls me and
he's like I thought he was going to be pissed,
you know, Like I thought he was finally going to
be like, you're a bitch, You've done me wrong, you
don't deserve me, Like I thought he was finally going
to kind of like leave me, you know, but then
he like gave me another chance, and he was like,
(07:30):
can't we just be together? And I was a little
bit upset with him about that because it was almost
this thing of like so many men are like unable
to see women for who they really are. Sometimes they
really only want to see women for like who they
think they are or who they think they can be.
And that might not even be a man or woman thing.
That just might be a if you're in love with
(07:52):
somebody thing, you see them as who you think they
can be, not as who they are being. And so
in that moment, I was like, how can he give
me another chance? How can I hurt someone I do
truthfully love like this, Like something's got to change. So
I tell him, like, I'm gonna think about it, right,
(08:14):
and I go home to take care of my grandmother,
and I tell him, I'm like, I've got to take
care of my grandma for a week, like let's talk
in a week and.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
See how we both feel.
Speaker 5 (08:21):
And while I'm taking care of her like in her
old age, her brain like you know, your brain like
crystallizes in old age, so like your brain really like
solidifies a couple of things, Like in dementia, you don't
really know where you are, but your brain is like
attached to a couple of things. The things that she's
attached to is that like, my grandfather is still around,
(08:44):
and no matter what, every day, on the hour, she's like,
when is Leroy coming home?
Speaker 4 (08:51):
Where is he? Can we go to his work? Da
da da da da.
Speaker 5 (08:55):
And she it's so tough and in a way it's
like very lovely because she's like got this deep love
for him and he was like the only person to
ever make her feel like seen and wanted and at ease.
But at the same time, like she will not accept
help from me and my mom, and she won't really
accept help from like any woman, Like she has verbatim
(09:18):
been like I don't need anyone to help me except
for a man.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
And me and my mom.
Speaker 6 (09:24):
Were just kind of like, well we're here, you know
what you're out of look yeah, like and it's like
my dad and mom divorced when I was younger, so
it's like we were very much like a woman helping
women household sure, And there was one moment where like
I was sitting and I was taking care of her,
and she was texting on her phone and I said,
(09:45):
who are you texting?
Speaker 5 (09:46):
And she was texting my papa. She's like, I'm texting
your papa and he had passed away obviously, so she's
like sort of just texting the ghost of someone.
Speaker 4 (09:56):
And I'm like thinking.
Speaker 5 (09:57):
About how obsessed I become with people who ghost me,
and like.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
How I ghost people who love me.
Speaker 5 (10:05):
And I was just kind of like, oh my god,
Like if I don't get my shit together like immediately,
like I'm gonna be eighty five years old still obsessing
over like some kind of love that is toxic or
absent or I won't be able to like accept the
love that is in front of me. And I was
(10:26):
just like, okay, I have to do like a full stop.
I have to focus on myself. And I sort of
realized I was asking myself, like how am I able
to hurt someone that I supposedly love? And I like
went back into like my earlier experiences with like love
and romance, and like I was really young when I
(10:47):
had my first sexual experience and I was like really
heavily in the church, and like my parents were going
through this divorce and I like wasn't telling anyone and
like we were like learning about it all and you group,
but it was like through a lot of shame and
I didn't have anyone to tell and I was like
having sex and scared I was going to hell and
(11:07):
like just sort of you know, my relationship with intimacy
was like tied to secrecy.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Oh deeply, yeah.
Speaker 5 (11:18):
And I didn't really realize like until I was right
like twenty seven, twenty eight years old, where I was like, okay,
like to be in love with someone or to maybe
even have like an intimate relationship with someone, like secrecy
and shame has to be a part of it. And
I was just like I really need to unpack all
(11:41):
of that. So and I sort of took October like
all this happened from like summer to October, and then
October I was like I had done like moments of
sobriety before giving up drinking, and I was like, I'm
gonna do sober October, but I'm going to give up men.
And my sister, my oldest sister, was like easier going
voice sober and just immediately like it gave sort of
(12:04):
this entire idea of like untangling my relationship to intimacy
and like male attention and like like male security because
I think also what men do for us is like
give us a really deep sense of security, even though
it's like they're so often unreliable or the ones who
(12:25):
are reliable like often of course, right of course, and
like even if you have them until you know, you
get married to them and you want to spend the
rest of your life with them, like they.
Speaker 4 (12:37):
Might die before you, you.
Speaker 5 (12:39):
Know, just like devastating but honest truth, and like at
some point you're gonna have to be alone and have
that sense of security alone. And so that's how the
term came up. Is I just like really needed to
unpack all of that. At the end of the day,
I'm like, I want to be in a healthy relationship
and I would love to be able.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
To have a husband one day and a family and
like have that real true love.
Speaker 5 (13:06):
But like I knew I needed to take time alone
to like actually get there.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
It's reminded me of that quote you can only meet
people to the depths of where you've met yourself.
Speaker 4 (13:17):
Okay, I've never heard that. I've never heard that, but
I love it.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Yeah, it's so what I hear in what you're describing
of you weren't going to be able to pick a
partner that would really suit you or your life or
really show up for that relationship until you took this
time to yourself without the dating, without boys being around.
I'm curious you said you did it for maybe October.
How long did it end up lasting? And then what
(13:40):
do you believe changed in your life by taking dating
off the table?
Speaker 5 (13:45):
You know, it's a really interesting thing because my experience
with this was so tied to like exposure and public opinion. Yeah,
and I've just read the book The Dry Season by
Melissa Febos. She's an author, so her like expression is
(14:06):
so much has a lot more privacy to it, And
she essentially did the exact same thing right where she
took a year away from like romance and sex. And
in the beginning of her book, she was having a
conversation with someone and that person was like, be careful
who you tell, because everyone essentially has an opinion on celibacy,
(14:26):
you know, And so in the beginning like October, November, December,
like it was very like it was intimate, and yes
it was public, but it was like me and my
little corner of the internet, you know, and like my audience.
Like every time I have someone come up to me somewhere,
they're like, oh, I know you from the internet. They're
(14:47):
like the coolest girls, Like they look like somebody I
would like be friends with.
Speaker 4 (14:51):
They're like smart and funny and cool girls, you know.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (14:55):
But then in like January, when the year really kicked off,
a New York Times headline came out about it, and
the headline was like really intense. It was like Hope
Ward's year long quest to not have sex or something.
And I was just like, that is like so intense,
and it was like it was all about celibacy. And
(15:16):
I was sort of like thinking about all the girls,
like truthfully in Tennessee who like still can't have sex
outside of marriage and like feel empowered yeah by it,
And I was like I never ever wanted this to
be like a celibacy is going to Fix Your problems
campaign or like making a woman feel like she can't
have like a full sex life and still be like
(15:38):
worthy of love and still be able to like find
her truth and everything so like the journey continued, but honestly,
it got like my attention and my story like sort
of got so wrapped up in like everyone else's opinion.
(15:59):
And I was dealing with it for a while until like,
oh gosh, I'm just gonna give you the honest truth.
A best friend and I had like a big falling out,
and I'm like codependent in my friendships. Like I don't
know about you, but I'm like, which is also like
something I need.
Speaker 4 (16:15):
To fix, you know, Like I'm like, I love a.
Speaker 5 (16:19):
Codependent female friendship where you just like become sisters and
talk to nobody else, like and just like are attached
to the hip. And like we had a different perspective
on what's happening sort of in the Middle East and
the war, and that is just something that's really important
to me, like activism and sort of seeing seeing that clearly,
(16:41):
Like and she and I loved each other so much
and for so long we were able to like see
past it, but there just came a time in that
moment where like we couldn't really get past our differences.
And you know, as a progressive from the South, like
I have been friends with people who don't agree with
me politically my whole life. And I think that that's
(17:02):
a good and important thing, and that's something where like
living in New York, I get a bit frustrated because
people are only friends with people who think like them,
and I don't. I don't think that's helpful, you know
what I mean, Like, yeah, I think it's absolutely important
to like love and understand people who don't agree with you.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
We just fell.
Speaker 5 (17:21):
Apart and I didn't know what to do without her,
like to be totally honest, Like, without her, I was
like so lost. And then a boy slid into my
DMS and then I was like, you know what, I'm
just gonna go to a show like he is a proof.
He was is whatever, a professional clown. Literally literally it's
(17:46):
so New York.
Speaker 3 (17:47):
It doesn't better.
Speaker 4 (17:48):
It's so New York, like a truly a clown.
Speaker 5 (17:52):
And like the moment I met him, he shook my
hand with like one of those electric buzzers in his
hand and shocked me, and I like want to just him,
like no, I'm like, but I was like so down bad.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
I was like.
Speaker 5 (18:04):
Whatever, and my truth is and like I don't know
if you relate to this, And I'm curious how many women,
especially again women from the South, will relate to this.
But like when I'm performing for a man, I know
exactly what I'm doing. I know how to laugh when
he needs me to laugh. I know how to be
And like, the thing about women from the South is
(18:24):
we are charming. Like we are charming and we are sweet,
and we can say, oh my goodness, and like men
in New York are like so mesmerized by it. If
I'm being honest totally, because women in New York are
honest and straightforward.
Speaker 4 (18:40):
And they tell you how they feel. And I need
more of that in me.
Speaker 5 (18:44):
And like, so the sort of Southern sweetness is like
even when I'm talking with when I'm at a table
with girls from the South, I'm like, oh my god,
I never feel like we see each other and we
see people and we listen in such a sweet way.
And again it can be like taking a litle too
far because sometimes we don't know how to put ourselves first. Sure,
but at the end of the day, it is like
(19:06):
we're good at it. And so I meet this guy
and he's so cute or he's cute enough whatever, He's
like cute and he's funny and we kiss and then
we like I'm like telling myself, I'm like, a kiss
is okay, A kiss is okay, because the truth is,
like I was upset when the headline was about celibacy,
(19:28):
but I also at the same time did want to
reevaluate my relationship to sex sure, because like there's this
sort of like happy medium between saving yourself for marriage
and feeling like you can't have sex until you're married,
but also like having sex in an intentional way apps
(19:49):
like I think hookup culture sort of like sold us
this lie that like having sex whenever you want, however
you want drunks like what so or whenever wherever, like
sold us this lie that like that was empowering, but
like it's not.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
That I agree with you. Yeah, at the end of the.
Speaker 5 (20:09):
Day, it leaves us feeling like confused and empty and
you're like I just did like I was just laying
naked in bed with someone and like they don't know
me or who I am, and that's another sort of
like false sense of connection and vulnerability, and so like
I didn't really want to go back to having sex
(20:31):
because I did want to be able to like work
that muscle of like creating a relationship with a man
without it, because honestly, it makes connection so much easier. Like,
of course you're gonna like someone if you're sleeping with them,
Like sleeping with someone is awesome.
Speaker 4 (20:48):
If it's good, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5 (20:51):
But we were like together one night, like he was
being romantic and he like read me a poem and
I was like, oh, you're so smart and funny and
like one thing, let's do another, and like we sort
of came to this moment where we all we could
have or couldn't have, and I was like, am I
not having sex for me? Or am I not having
sex because I feel like I'm not supposed to because
(21:13):
I've like told the entire world I'm not going to.
And so I did, and it was nice and it
was fine, you know, and it was good, and like
I honestly like felt kind of some relief because I
felt like I was finally able to like do something
that I wanted to do, not just do something because
(21:34):
people wanted me to do it or because of an
expectation or anything. But the truth is, like, you know,
that happened, but I'm still very much figuring out how
to be in relation to men in a healthy way,
Like if I'm being so honest, like I have not
mastered that skill. And I started talking about this in
(21:57):
twenty twenty three, you know what I mean, almost two
years now, and I'm still like finding myself kind of
in situations with men that I don't even like that much,
or like sleeping with someone because it's easier to just
sleep with them than it is to like be alone
sometimes and so like, the journey is not over, and
(22:20):
I'm like, I really have no idea when it will be. Well.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
I think the interesting thing that I'm thinking as you
talk is what I like about this concept of going sober.
You know, I've done a thing too where I'll take
a break from drinking. I did a year without drinking
one time because I was just in this place of
wanting to do deep dives on some other inner work
with myself, and I've found myself distracting with that, and
so I just was the time of you know, wanting
(22:55):
to reevaluate, I think, is the way you said it earlier,
to really build a true relationship with it that was conscious.
Speaker 3 (23:02):
So it was totally it was like.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
I wasn't just drinking as a habit or whatever I know,
and it's I've done it with dating as well and
with after long term relationships. And what I like about
this concept is the pause, I think is when we reflect.
It's when we actually ask ourselves. Am I living off programming?
Or am I living in the way that is in
alignment with me? That's what I really want. That isn't
(23:26):
just like medicating some fear or whole or whatever you want.
Speaker 3 (23:30):
To call it.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
That's actually intensional, like you said, And so I love
that idea. And then as you were just saying the
last part, I thought to myself, I'm in a relationship
now though, and I don't know that the work of
that ever ends, because when you enter into a relationship
there's new depths that you'll meet yourself, or new things
that will come up, new patterns you'll notice within yourself.
(23:51):
So I just like the idea of asking ourselves the
questions and giving ourselves the space to take the paw,
to sit in the quiet, because I don't find that
we do that very often in our culture. It's just
the go, go go, it's what you've reined to do
without thinking, we just show up and do it.
Speaker 5 (24:11):
Absolutely, for me, it was a piece of like really
unlearning some examples like the grandmother and mother piece of
it all was like I was like, I want to
heal this part of me because I want to have
a daughter one day and I want to be able
to like not give her this same script, you know, totally.
Speaker 4 (24:34):
It's like both my mom.
Speaker 5 (24:36):
It was so interesting because like during this time, it's
like I've been doing a lot of just like writing
and thinking, and I was going back to, like, you know,
my first moment with intimacy, and like I sort of said, like,
because I really do think if we don't heal those
earlier moments and sort of get those skeletons out of
the closet, they're in there dancing.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Oh yeah, I always yes, absolutely and strings yeah.
Speaker 5 (25:02):
And I wrote this big, long piece just about how
that happened, because again, my parents kind of got divorced
and my mom got really depressed and my dad like
moved out of the house, and like so it was
just sort of like me and my boyfriend, like he
became my family, you know.
Speaker 4 (25:19):
And I feel like so many girls do that.
Speaker 5 (25:20):
They replace they replaced their family with their boyfriend, and
then they have no idea how to feel safety or
love outside of that specific type of love. And I
was like reading her the story and I stopped, and
I had never told her how old I was when
I lost my virginity, never told her about this entire thing,
Like this is the first time she was hearing about
(25:41):
all this, And I was like, I stopped kind of
after that moment, and I was like, how do you feel?
And she was like, the same thing happened to me,
same timing, same thing. My grandparents got divorced, my grandmother
moved in with another man, my grandfather disappeared, mom turned
a boyfriend into a family and like that for me
(26:04):
was like I don't know, so it made so much
sense because we do just like we repeat, like stories
will repeat and repeat and repeat if we don't like
stop and take the time to be like, okay, what
was passed down? Like so much as in our genetics.
And people don't want to admit that their families are crazy.
(26:26):
But I'm like, to be to be crazy is to
be human, you know what I mean. I don't understand
why it's so hard for people to admit like we
all are we've got some shit, yeah, Like and if
you don't, you're not human, Like and what's the fun
in that, like, you know, like get into it, figure
(26:47):
it out, dissect it, like pull it apart.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
I have a question.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
You've mentioned the breakup of the friend and kind of
that was what led you to get back into dating,
and so I was wondering before that, I think you
were doing your voice over time, and did you notice
a difference between the being alone peace maybe even after
that friendship and actual loneliness?
Speaker 5 (27:12):
You know, I live in New York, yeah, which like
is a lonely place. And it's because it's like there's
so many people around, but you don't know anyone so deeply,
and like I often find myself like missing Tennessee and
missing Nashville and missing a small town and like romanticizing
(27:35):
that in a way, just because like here you can
feel so isolated and I don't really think here people like, yes,
there is a sense of community, but that community sort
of looks like, Okay, if someone falls over and they've
like broken their leg on the side of the road,
ten people will come around and help.
Speaker 4 (27:54):
But as as soon as.
Speaker 5 (27:55):
They're like on their feet and they're okay, it's like
you don't exist again. Right where it's kind of in
a small town or in the South, like there seems
to be just a bit more camaraderie, you know, and
so like loneliness in New York can be tough, and honestly,
like I got to this point where I was here
in New York and I was just feeling so alone
(28:17):
and so kind of isolated, and my life was really online,
and I think like Instagram and TikTok. Though so much
of my work is on there and a lot of
my success can be attributed to that, I do think
it can be a really dangerous world to let yourself
fall into, because it's at the end of the day, disconnection.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
You know.
Speaker 5 (28:42):
It's a very sort of pretend version of connection.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
Like well, because we're all presenting what we want to present.
Speaker 5 (28:50):
We're presenting we're like sip the sighlights.
Speaker 4 (28:54):
We're not with people in a room.
Speaker 5 (28:56):
We're looking at likes, we're looking at reaction, We're letting
so many like comments and opinions, and and honestly, like.
Speaker 4 (29:05):
It just really gets to it gets to me anyways,
you know.
Speaker 5 (29:09):
And so I honestly had to like go back to
Tennessee and live there with my mom and my grandmother,
and like my hometown, best friends, friends that have known
me for life to just like reconnect to myself and
reconnect to them, and in some ways, like friendship and adulthood,
you can become friends with someone because you're a version
(29:33):
of yourself that's like far.
Speaker 4 (29:35):
Away from who you really are.
Speaker 5 (29:37):
You know, like a lot of adulthood I think can
be like getting away from your like childlike self or
your like true at self and like you're trying to
keep up with the joneses and you're trying to do
the thing and you're trying to like act like you're
okay and you're good and you're everything you know, but
getting back to those roots, like it's really something I
(29:57):
had to do, and I think that's something that finally
sort of like gave me a sense of deep connection
and really helped with that like loneliness.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
So basically what I hear, and correct me if I'm
misinterpreting this, but you connecting back with yourself and with
maybe who you were when you were younger, the people
around you who've known you your whole life is really
what helped with the lonely factor during this time.
Speaker 5 (30:24):
Totally, absolutely, it was like being with my high school
friends you know what I mean, like being with people
who've known me my whole life, being with people who will,
like say, who will like call me on my shit
and also know that I'm lovable, you know what I mean, Like, yeah,
that was so important to me. And then also like
I was talking to this one girl who introduced the
(30:46):
concept of like solitude versus loneliness.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Oh that's good.
Speaker 5 (30:50):
Yeah yeah, and like that one little shift in perspective,
and she kind of was like, like she's married now,
and she was like, I, you know, sometimes miss my
time being alone and I miss like being able to
have that solitude. So also like reframing loneliness as solitude
(31:12):
has been really helpful for me too.
Speaker 3 (31:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Well, I think that's what I was initially kind of
wondering with the loneliness versus being alone factor because I
think a lot of people hearing the term voiceover and going, Okay, well,
I'm supposed to take this sabbatical from dating and sex.
I'm going to be so lonely and they freak out right.
The point being what you just said of like we
live online, we live so in the space of like
(31:36):
completely disconnecting on so many levels, right, but we're not
even connecting to ourselves, and the fact that we use
to be alone for a moment sounds scary because we
don't know how to connect with oursels. Hum, do you
feel like you learned more about how to do that
during this time?
Speaker 4 (31:53):
I'm honestly like I am truly in the throes of.
Speaker 3 (31:56):
It, Like, okay, ongoing, still.
Speaker 5 (31:59):
Ongoing, like I will Okay, I'll tell you a bit
of an epiphany I've had because I haven't been with
a guy in a while, but I became sort of
fixated on this guy who kept looking at my Instagram
story okay, and I feel like so many.
Speaker 4 (32:15):
Girls know what this is like. But it's like kind
of a reply guy.
Speaker 5 (32:20):
Kind of a guy who was just like always kind
of in my dms every now and again, and so
it was like every Instagram story I would post, it
was for him, and every everything I would do was
just like, is this going to get a reaction out
of him? And I'm taking a break from drinking again
because I had a day of bottomless mimosas, which.
Speaker 3 (32:40):
Always that's all you gotta say.
Speaker 4 (32:44):
It takes me out of the game.
Speaker 6 (32:46):
Yeah, for a minute, I'm like I got to sit
on the bench for a while.
Speaker 5 (32:51):
But after this, I was like, it was like a Sunday.
I was with my best friend and we had bottomless mimosas,
and I was like, you know what, I'm gonna I
ask this guy what it is he's looking for? Sure,
you know, So I sent him this text message and
I was like, Hey, I'm just gonna be really direct,
like what do you want from me?
Speaker 4 (33:11):
And he was basically like nothing.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
I was like.
Speaker 6 (33:18):
Totally misreading, totally misreading, totally writing a story without your.
Speaker 4 (33:27):
Permission or input.
Speaker 5 (33:29):
But to be honest, that was like three weeks ago,
and since then, like.
Speaker 4 (33:34):
I have felt so sort of like set free.
Speaker 5 (33:37):
I think I'm like giving up drinking for a minute again,
because I'm like, I wish I didn't have to ask
that question after a day of bottomless mimosas, Like why
couldn't you.
Speaker 4 (33:46):
Know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (33:46):
Like I'd like to be able, Like if I'm going
to ask something bold like that, I'd like to be
one hundred percent you know aware.
Speaker 2 (33:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (33:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (33:53):
But since then, I'm like reading books that I'm really
interested in, Like I'm not scrolling and looking for his name,
like I'm not like like I like the term voiceover
is really honest and true and accurate for me because
I do have like a true fixation on like men
and male attention, and I have this like deep thing
(34:15):
of like they are gonna save me from myself, sure,
like if only this guy would like me, if only
this guy would like be in my life. The reality
that I know is as soon as I get them,
I do not want them, you know what I mean,
Like if that guy wanted me, if that guy was
doing more than looking at my Instagram story, I wouldn't
(34:37):
want a thing to do with him. It's like this,
it's this like distance and this fantasy that I'm able
to like come up with in that distance, you know.
But recently, and I think, like the lesson I have
from all of this is like number one, just ask,
like if you are fixated on someone and you've got
(34:59):
this like fantasy in your head, Like I don't know
why it is so hard for us just to ask
a guy or ask someone like do you want to
do this? Like are you interested in me? Like maybe
it's because the fantasy is like so much safer or
like we're in control of it. But since then, I
have like been able to like actually have alone time,
(35:21):
And I think you sort of said this earlier, Like
so much of our alone time now like isn't really
alone time because we're on our phones and like we're
we're taking in like other people's lives and other people's
words and other people's perspectives, and like a little bit
of it is okay, But like to truly have solitude
and like time alone with like your yourself, it's something
(35:45):
you really have to carve out now. It's something you
have to be really intentional about. And so I'm like
reading books that I am enjoying. I'm like having long
talks with my my best friends back home. I'm like
really so kind of settling into like a new sense
of solitude.
Speaker 4 (36:04):
But I had to I had to really set myself free.
Speaker 3 (36:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (36:08):
Yeah, this from the male, specifically one male's gaze.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
I love the conversation about making up the fantasy story too,
because I think that's very common and it's very easy
to do because of the movies we watch, even the
reality shows, like the dating shows. You know, it's this
fairy tale where you fall in love in a week
or whatever, and like it's realistic, but it is what
we're shown all the time. So I think it's very
(36:43):
easy to fall into fantasy thinking, and so giving the
pause again is another way to not do that. But
you mentioned social media and men, and obviously, like with that,
I immediately think of validation, and so I mean you found
new ways to affirm yourself without seeking it out in
those two ways.
Speaker 4 (37:02):
You know, I am getting there.
Speaker 5 (37:05):
I really would need to be better about like writing
down in the morning, like you are beautiful, you are smart,
you are this, you are that.
Speaker 4 (37:14):
Totally.
Speaker 5 (37:14):
I think that's like another thing, and like let me
know if you relate to this. But like for me
growing up, like loving yourself in that way was not
really seen as a necessary thing, and maybe even it
was seen as like a selfish thing to like really
gas yourself up like that.
Speaker 3 (37:34):
Sure, Like to have.
Speaker 5 (37:36):
A deep sense of humility I think is really prioritized
for women or like celebrated for women in the South.
Speaker 3 (37:44):
A Southern Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 5 (37:46):
Like I said, these girls in New York, ye, God,
they let you know, they let you know they're in
the room, they let you know how they think in
la feel. But for women in the South, it's like
to be small is to be celebrated, you know, like
to be nice is to be good to not cause
a rockets to and so like to be totally honest,
(38:09):
like that is also a muscle I'm still really building.
And I think people assume, like just because I'm not
scared to like say how I feel every now and again,
or like put myself out there or like you know,
put myself online or whatever, they might assume that I
have like a really deep sense of confidence. I think
I have like a sense of bravery and maybe a
(38:32):
sense of like I'm not irrational, but I do sort
of do things without thinking too much, and that is
both a good thing and it's gotten me in trouble,
you know what I mean, like one of my best
and worst qualities. So the self affirmation, like I am
definitely building that muscle, like being my own expert. That's
(38:53):
like my focus right now, because honestly, I feel like
a lot of the noise has finally settled, Like at
first this voiceover movement was blowing up and it's a
podcast now, But like I don't really interact with the
Internet in the same way that I did a much
(39:14):
quieter online, a much more like based in reality. And
if I'm being honest, like I do sort of feel
like I'm finally sort of in a moment where I'm
like doing it for myself and on my own terms
and in my own way instead of sort of like
opening it up to the public and being like, how
(39:36):
do you guys think I should do this?
Speaker 3 (39:37):
Right?
Speaker 5 (39:37):
I totally like because like, in all honesty, I think
I replaced like male validation with like comment validation, you know,
which It's like it's a beautiful thing because I love
the girlies in the comments and I'm thankful for them,
and I also know it was like so helpful for them,
Like one of my favorite comments to see as a
(39:59):
girl being like I went voiceover because of you, and
it's been like the best year of my life. Like, yeah,
there's nothing I love more than like getting to inspire
someone to like do something that makes them happier. But
maybe right now I've just been quieter because I'm like
doing that for myself for a little while.
Speaker 2 (40:18):
Yeah, well, I love the idea too. I mean, obviously
you created the concept of voice sober because I TikTok,
but you're also.
Speaker 3 (40:27):
On the journey totally. You can take the pressure off.
Speaker 2 (40:30):
Of having to be these experts because if you're really honest,
like we are all on journeys constant.
Speaker 4 (40:35):
Totally constant.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
When you think you figured one thing out, the way
that like life has worked for me is then there's
another thing, and then it's totally it's just constantly kind
of being in this growth pattern. But you did mention
the podcast, so let's talk about it, because I know
you said that you're six.
Speaker 3 (40:51):
Episodes in, is that right?
Speaker 4 (40:52):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (40:53):
Yeah, So what can the listeners.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
That are listening and interested in this topic or maybe
contemplating going Voiceober themselves, what can they look to expect
in your podcast?
Speaker 3 (41:01):
What kind of guess what you have?
Speaker 5 (41:03):
The first episode is just sort of the introduction, So
the story I've told is sort of like retold but
in kind of a beautiful way, with like recordings of
my grandmother and things like that. The second episode is
like how to be Single. There's another episode about like
another like this woman Melissa Febos. That's the last episode
that came out. That's about like really truly going a
(41:25):
year without sex and like doing a deep internal dive
to like figure out how to untangle your sort of
romantic patterns.
Speaker 4 (41:35):
So that's what it's about. It's about sex.
Speaker 5 (41:37):
It's about being a woman, it's about falling in love,
it's about breaking hearts, and like it's not just about
like abstinence or celibacy or giving men up. It's more
so just like looking at what it is to like
interact with love, self love, familial love, romantic love, and
(41:58):
exploring like all of the different types of love and
like exploring sort of like how we're conditioned to interact
with it and how we can like unlearn a lot
of the ways we were taught to interact with it.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
I think that's beautiful because sober is obviously very tied
to the word like addiction, like totally, and so I
think in a lot of worlds, if you're an addict
of drugs or alcohol, you just stop doing the thing right, right,
But dating and relationships and sex it's a part of
our life, and so it's not a situation where we're
just gonna quit forever because totally we're built for connection
(42:38):
and so we're to do it in a way that
is functioning for our lives and that really serves us.
Do you think that that is a conversation that needs
to happen.
Speaker 5 (42:49):
It's like what you said, like you said you took
a break from drinking. It's like, I know, I know
for me, like again, I'm sort of doing that time
and time again too, like giving it up because I
think like the line between sort of like choosing and using,
yeah is always like very It's like a very delicate dance.
And you can either like choose to have a drink,
(43:11):
choose to have a beautiful night of love making or whatever,
or you can be like using it to like escape
your own body.
Speaker 4 (43:20):
Yep, you know what I mean.
Speaker 5 (43:22):
Yes, And sort of like being able to more often
choose instead of use is like is at the end
of the day the hope you.
Speaker 3 (43:32):
Know, love that choosing versus using.
Speaker 2 (43:35):
So, if you're talking to the girl who created voiceover
the concept, now, how has that term and the whole
experience of being voice sober evolved over the last however
many months this has been.
Speaker 5 (43:50):
Yeah, if I were to go back and sort of
talk to her, I would be like, don't care about
what anyone says, understand it is for you, and that
is something like I also wanted to get across for
other people too, And I think that's why the headline
that came out with the New York Times, like the
first headline about it.
Speaker 4 (44:10):
I was so upset by it because.
Speaker 5 (44:12):
Like we are the we are our own experts, and
like nobody knows your relationship to love and sex and
intimacy and romance like you do. And they're also like
so deeply personal and like we sort of talked about
in the beginning, like it depends on where you grew up,
(44:34):
what type of church you went to, what type of
second grade teacher you had, Like do you know what
I mean? Like all your history, all your history, like
your social personal history, Like is what is going to
like be important to focus on? Like I keep referencing
this book by Melissa Febo's The Dry Season, but she's
(44:56):
got like a list of questions in there that's just
like where I selfish? Where did I hurt people? Where
did I not make myself known? Like and like you
kind of have to answer all of these questions for
yourself and understand that like nobody else's journey is going
to look exactly like yours.
Speaker 4 (45:15):
And that's a good thing, you.
Speaker 2 (45:16):
Know, right, right, so no one else can carve your
path right totally. So if people are listening and they're
like I don't know if I want to go full
boy sober. What is totally thing that you would suggest
to prioritize in their life if they're feeling a little
bit of the itch but not wanting to go the
full way.
Speaker 5 (45:33):
For me, every time I give something up, it's always
because I've gotten sick of myself, you.
Speaker 3 (45:40):
Know what I mean.
Speaker 5 (45:41):
I'm like, I'm like, I am so sick of wallowing
in the same shit, yea, being annoyed with the same shit,
being left on red by the same type of guy.
Speaker 4 (45:53):
So maybe my.
Speaker 5 (45:54):
Advice is just like let yourself get sick of yourself,
because you know what, like like sort of with my grandmother,
you can be stuck in a pattern or a habit
or a chase forever, and it's like, when you're ready,
you will be ready. But just like maybe it's just
(46:15):
like allow yourself to one day be ready and also
allow yourself to take it seriously. Like I think for
a long time, like giving up alcohol for a year
changed my life too.
Speaker 4 (46:27):
I'm assuming it kind of changed your life.
Speaker 3 (46:28):
It was great, one of the best, totally, Like.
Speaker 4 (46:30):
Yeah, absolutely changed my life.
Speaker 5 (46:34):
And I think it's like for a long time, I
knew I had a problem, but I didn't want to
admit it and maybe let yourself admit it that like
this is a bigger deal than you than you're letting
yourself believe. And like you're not a bad person for
admitting that, like something might have a little bit of
(46:54):
control over you. Again, you're totally human, and like are
systems are built to be dependent on shit?
Speaker 4 (47:03):
Like it's so hard, yeah, totally, like.
Speaker 5 (47:07):
You know, and so it's like maybe that it's like
if you're considering it, it's just like allow yourself to
take it seriously and then maybe like have the bravery
to just see.
Speaker 4 (47:20):
What happens, you know.
Speaker 5 (47:21):
And like I think like one of the best pieces
of advice and one of the things that does always
work for me is never to give myself a timeline.
Like every time I've given something up for like a
meaningful amount of time, it was because I was just
like I'm gonna give it up today. Yeah, I'm gonna
give it up today. Again, I'm gonna give it up
to day one more time, like you know what I mean.
(47:42):
And like again, I'm sort of in this moment of
like I've given up drinking and smoking weed and I'm
on like almost thirty days or something, and everybody keeps
asking me, how long are you gonna do this? And
I'm like, I have no idea because I think if,
like I give myself a timeline, you're just itching to
get to that finish line.
Speaker 3 (48:02):
Totally agree.
Speaker 5 (48:03):
Yeah, And it's like, don't give yourself a finish line,
and you know what, let yourself consider getting back in
the game if you want to. But just like, each time,
be honest with yourself, and each day, like and each moment,
be like, am I really ready to let myself go
back to what I was trying to fix?
Speaker 3 (48:21):
I think that's a great, great tip. So well in there.
That was a perfect wrap up. But hope.
Speaker 2 (48:27):
The podcast is called Boy Sober. It's on iHeartMedia, as
I told you, guys, and you can find it anywhere
you listen to podcasts. Where else can people keep up
with you if they're interested in keeping up guys.
Speaker 5 (48:37):
I'm on Instagram at just hoping Along, so it's like
just hopping along, but one.
Speaker 2 (48:42):
P really cute just hoping along. I will put that
as well in the description of this podcast. For you, guys,
thank you so much for being here and sharing your
story with us.
Speaker 5 (48:51):
Thank you for having me. This was so much fun.
Thank you for just letting me yap. I'm like, I
just got to talk and talk and talk.
Speaker 4 (48:57):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (48:58):
We like to do therapy on the podcast, so all right,
Thank you guys so much for listening.
Speaker 1 (49:04):
Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,
where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a
little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty
and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.
Host
Kelly Henderson
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