In this episode, Kelly sits down with transformational coach, entrepreneur, and relationship expert Marni Battista for a real, honest conversation about what it actually takes to break old patterns and attract the kind of love you deserve.
Kelly shares parts of her own relationship journey—the shifts that completely changed how (and who) she dates—and Marni brings her research-backed wisdom to explain why certain patterns keep us stuck, and what it takes to create a truly healthy, lasting partnership.
They dive into:
-
How to recognize the relationship patterns that aren’t serving you
-
How understanding masculine and feminine energy dynamics can change everything
-
Science-backed tools to move through fear and build real confidence
-
Why chasing “traditional success” often leaves us feeling empty—and what to focus on instead
- How setting clear boundaries can actually bring you closer to the right person
Take the Quiz: Decode Your Destiny
Visit Marni's website HERE!
Check out Marni's books HERE!
FInd Marni on Instagram:@marnibattista
HOST: Kelly Henderson // @velvetsedge // velvetsedge.com
Follow Velvet's Edge on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/velvetsedge/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. It's The Velvet's
Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Marnie Batista is here. She is a transformational coach, entrepreneur,
podcast host, and the author of Your Radical Living Challenge,
with we will talk about today. She's also written How
to Find a Quality Guy Without going on two hundred Dates,
which I know you guys are going to be dying
to hear about. Hi, Marnie, how are you guys?
Speaker 3 (00:29):
So good to be here?
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Thank you so much for being here. I also should
mention that you are the founder of Dating with Dignity,
which is a research based personal development company, and it's
helped thousands of successful women create not just thriving relationships,
but soul aligned lives. And I love I love that
connection because that's been very true in my life. The
more aligned I have started living in my own soul,
(00:54):
the more the people that come into my life, the relationships, anything,
it just it just works better. It's just it's completely different.
The more you live in soul alignment. Is that why
you started this kind of work with women?
Speaker 3 (01:09):
Well, I mean the dating thing came. They say, you know,
you teach what you need to learn. Yeah, but I
was married for seventeen years. I have three kids from
that marriage, and after that ended, I sort of just
adopted the philosophy of like, the best way to get
over someone is get under someone else, right, I don't
(01:30):
heard that. Yeah, yeah, I don't advise it. And then I,
you know, I ended up with this guy who was
like a basically just a at the time better looking
version and younger of my ex husband. And after that
ended pretty quickly, I was like, I have three daughters
for a reason. I feel like the universe gave me
this so that I would make sure I don't pass
it on, so to speak. And that's when I really
(01:52):
started to do the work. And the reason why I
named the dating part of my company Dating with Digny,
is because I felt like that was gone, like the
whole process of dating, the whole process of even like
being in a relationship. When you don't feel like you're enough,
you just lose your self respect and your dignity. And
(02:14):
so it was an internal starting point. And when I
started doing that work and then mixed it sort of
with like mindset and skill set, everything sort of kind
of unfolded. And then that was when I was forty two.
Now I'm fifty eight. Okay. What I learned is that
transformation doesn't end you don't fix it right. And now
(02:34):
I've been with my second husband for sixteen years, almost
as long as my first marriage, and so the second
book about Radical Living Challenge really came from this place
of me having it all. You know, I got the divorce,
I got the man, I got the business, and I'm like,
why am I still not feeling happy? Like what's wrong
with me? And I blamed it all of my husband,
(02:55):
as one does, and that was sort of the starting
point for the next of my journey.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Well, can you tell us a little bit more about that,
because I love that you just focused on the blame
you were putting on someone else, because that's such the
human thing to do, right, That's the quickest thing we
go to is like, well, I must not be happy
because of them or this situation happening. And I know
you had a ski accident, right, and then some other
losses at the same time. And I loved reading your
(03:22):
story because that was when it seemed like the catalyst
for you to be like, okay, yo, I gotta change
in things. So can you tell the listeners a little
bit about that and how that started you on your journey.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
Well, why I do what I do now is because
I don't want some tragedy to happen to anyone listening
to finally realize that life is short. They get one
life to live and to stop messing around, you know,
because that's what happened to me. Right. So I wrote
actually an essay that was in the La Times about
how I wanted my husband to change because at the time,
like when I met him, he was working in entertainment.
(03:52):
We lived in LA It was a horrible lifestyle. He
hated it, and we sort of made this agreement that
he would help meeting with the kids because they were younger,
and that worked until it didn't work because my kids
left the nest and I was like, you need to
like get a job, like work, What the hell are
you doing? You know? And so I and he didn't
want to be in LA And so then I just
lumped all his own issues on him like that he
(04:16):
vulnerably shared, and I was like, it's your fault. You
just need to get happy and get over it and
then we'll be fine. We'll be fine because I'll be fine. Meanwhile,
like my business. I'd grown it and I was just
not doing anything that I loved doing anymore. I wasn't coaching.
I was like, I just wrote something about it today
about like the aha moment. I was sitting, you know,
(04:36):
at my desk, having a moment with my COEO. She
was complaining to me about one of my coaches that
I hired, who was like just griping about everything. Someone
else had just quit. I got an email from a
client who was pissed and wanted to refund because she
signed up for that coach. And I was just like
babysitting all these people, And I was like, what am
I doing? And I told my husband I want to
(04:56):
break up with my business. But I was like I
can't do that. I've been doing for this, you know,
this forever. This is what I do. I can't sacrifice everything.
And Kelly, I just kept pushing and pushing, pushing it down.
And then about three weeks before the world started hoarding
toilet paper in the pandemic, I got in this near
(05:18):
crippling ski accident and I couldn't move for like about
nine ten weeks, and without being able to do anything
and just be it was just like me upstairs listening
to people like cleaning vegetables downstairs with a claw and
the remote. I was like, who am I? Yeah, like
(05:39):
who am I? And that was really like the point
where I said, I have built my life on this
paradigm of success and this certain foundation and this lie
that if I do all this stuff, I'm gonna be happy.
And it's not working. And my mom died at sixty four.
I was fifty five. My dad had died in twenty nineteen,
(06:03):
like mumbling about credit cards and trying to like check
his email like at seventy eight in his last moments.
And I was like, there's got to be more.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Yeah, yeah, I know what you're just describing. And then
also I know with the women that you work with
and your coaching business, I mean, it's usually high functioning people, right,
And it's not like this thing where you're working with
people who don't have what looks to be success on
the outside. So what is usually missing, Like, what are
(06:31):
you finding that's missing in their lives that's making them
not happy?
Speaker 3 (06:34):
Well, they're living by these pre prescribed shoulds. Okay, Okay,
So we talked to the beginning about soul alignment, right, Okay,
so soul alignment is over here. Doing what you should
do every minute of your day is like it's off
the screen. It's like it's not even close, right, And
so what happens is we start tolerating, We make these
(06:55):
little exceptions here and there, We sell ourselves the story
that I only have to do this for a little
bit longer if so and so would change, Like why
is this happening to me? And there is just this
fear that presses up against that longing for something real.
(07:17):
And what I've learned, especially since the pandemic, and so
many women in their late forties and early fifties and older,
had this little taste of like freedom and not living
by so many rules, and now they're all just crushing
back and there's chaos everywhere, and they're just like, but Marnie,
but if I don't do this, then what do I do?
(07:40):
And the reason why I wrote my book is because
when I was in that moment, I was like searching
and googling and I couldn't find any help. And really
that's why I wrote the book, Because I created the
system based on the design thinking model at Stanford University,
and that really was the pivot. So what's missing to
answer your question is you're so not being yourself. You're
so out of alignment. You're just making other people happy.
(08:02):
You were just people pleasing, proving, not sleeping. It's you
can't live like that. It's not sustainable.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Yeah. Well, and I want to talk about the book
a little bit. That was the perfect segue because you
bring up these seven radical questions in the book, and
I know that you developed these questions and they changed
everything for you. So can you tell the listeners, I mean,
without giving them all away, just say a couple of
the overall reasons or feelings behind these questions and why
(08:30):
it would do exactly what you're saying, get us out
of the shoulds and get us into the more soul
aligned place.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
Yeah. So a couple of things. One is that when
I work with clients, I still have clients with dating.
They come to me and they're like, Okay, you know
what's the hack, Like you know, yeah, on my day,
Zach whatever, And I'm like, wait a minute, no, Like,
I don't do it that way. But it's an inside
out approach because number one, you have to be sold
(08:59):
or and in who you choose and how you show
up in dating, because when you do it based on
the shoods, it doesn't work out. So whatever never right. So,
so what I realized when I kind of reflected back
on the fifteen or so years of dating coaching, I
(09:20):
was like, how do I teach my clients to be
rejection proof?
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Okay? Which everyone would want to know, right, go through rejection?
Speaker 3 (09:29):
So yeah, nobody does okay. So and so what I
called it before I wrote the book was resourcing, meaning
that it's like, let's say you have an iPhone and
the battery is dying and you're out, you know, out
in the middle of New York City and you're like,
where can I plug this thing in? Right? And you're
(09:52):
like looking for chargers. You're going, you know, in the restaurant.
You're kind of like trying to see if there's a plot,
like you're trying to plug it in right and what
and then they change the charger. Oh, then like in
your car and you're just like, yeah, I can't plug
my phone in, okay. Our confidence and self worth is
like our phone, okay. And what happens is we are
(10:13):
using men and dating and their feedback and their validation
to plug in that we are enough. So when they
don't give us what we want, we can't recharge, and
then we quit. And so I was like, wait, what
I call it is resourcing. You have to source your
enoughness internally. Yes, And when I looked at the system
(10:37):
that I used to help women resource internally and really
feel enough. And so when you're then like you are
rejection proof because you have an abundance mindset and if
it's not this, it's something better and dating is fun
and you just don't take it personally. And so I
realized that the seven questions, right, and I'll talk about
what in particular in a second, but those are the how.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Okay, they are the how of the resourcing.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
Yes, so if you do these seven things on you know,
autopilot where it feels like breathing, then you are able
to resource and it doesn't matter how your charger changes
or where you are, you could always plug in to.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Your pay That totally makes sense.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
Yeah, Okay. One of my favorite questions, and it really
is important to the dating process is were you honest?
So most people are like, oh, I'm honest, and I'm
not talking in the tank command. That's kind of a
way like I'm trusting if you're listening. You're not lying
or stealing or cheating or you know, wounding anyone. So
(11:42):
but what happens is because of those points where we're
just tolerating all the time, we're not telling the truth
to ourselves, so we lie to ourselves. So one of
the biggest mistakes that happens when you're not honest with yourself,
that leaks everywhere into your dating is being afraid to
say what you want.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
It's so true, especially for women, right one hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Okay, So the point where if you look at like
and I've done like these these profile reviews, you know,
and and I look at them, and it reflects that
you are trying to look like you don't care. Sure,
it looks like you don't care because you don't want
to say, like, oh, I'm really serious about dating. I'm
going to give everything I have to online dating, and
(12:29):
I'm gonna put all my heart in it, and I'm
gonna write this amazing profile. I'm a profession Nobody does
that unless they're working with me, because there's this aloofiness.
You're like, Oh, I don't want to even think I
need a man, I don't want to even think I
care about dating. That's a lie. You're right and so so,
and then that translates. So then what I see is
(12:50):
out in the in the field when you're dating, women
are afraid to say what they want, so they're not
saying on the second or third date, which I highly recommend. Hey,
I'm in a place where I'm like actually looking for
my partner. I'm super excited about it, and I'm putting
my heart and soul into it right now? What about you?
Right scar? Mom? I don't want him to think that
(13:11):
I'm needy. I don't want to, you know, And I'm like, okay,
you're lying. And then three or four months from now,
when you're just casually dating him, still you're actually pissed
because he doesn't want a relationship. Well, you pretended that
you didn't care from the jump, yep. So so how
do you resource yourself while you're constantly saying, am I
(13:35):
being honest? What do I really want? How do I
communicate that? How do I show up in that way?
How do I ask for what I want? How do
I set boundaries? And then we go, oh wow, I
feel really good about myself. I feel enough because we
build psychological safety and integrity with ourselves and heal the
parts of ourselves that overfunction and don't have boundaries when
(13:58):
we take care of ourselves. And then you're like, oh, well,
it's okay. Like I told him this and he didn't
do it. I know this was what I wanted, and
I'm confident about I was honest with myself and I
was honest with him, And so everything about resourcing comes
from implementing the how of all these different questions.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
It has literally changed my life to do some of
the changes that you're speaking about as far as specifically dating.
But I think it's just such. These are the conversations
I'm having with my friends all the time, and everyone
lives by, it seems to live by this place of
like you need to be the cool girl. Yeah, I
got over that for some reason. I think my world
(14:39):
crashed so hard and I was like, I don't care
about being the cool girl. I'm going to be me.
And it's interesting because that was the scariest thing for
a while. But then the second I made that flip,
it's like everything I actually wanted started flowing into my life.
And it's crazy that we really talk ourselves out of
living in our own truth because as you said, then
(15:01):
we end up in these situations where you either have
to continue the lie or not. They're using your voice,
and it gets exhausting, and there's always resentment that breeds
or the relationship's going to end. So what's the point
of wasting all the time.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
Yeah, it's so crazy because the thing that most people
are worried about, and not just in dating but at work,
with their neighbors, with their family, is like what will
everyone else think?
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Exactly?
Speaker 3 (15:25):
You know, if I approach my life in a radical way,
and radical doesn't mean like a revolt or revolution, it
means radical because you're actually rooting into what you care
about and you're screwing the shoods and you're really living
your life. But if you're just so worried about what
everyone else thinks, that becomes very challenging.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Yeah, exhausting as well.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
I want to talk about soul mapping, and this is
something you talk about. Can you tell the listeners what
soul mapping is and how it can help us connect
to what we do actually want? Because I think a
lot of problems for me came from I didn't even
know what I wanted and I had lived this whole
life based on what I thought I should do, Like
you're saying, I got to be in my late thirties
(16:18):
and when it crashed, I was like, I don't even
know that I wanted that stuff. So it really set
me on a journey of that. And I think that's
kind of what you describe with the soul mapping things.
I want to tell the listeners a little bit about that.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Yeah, So soul mapping is really like it's like your thumbprint,
because it is your unique reflection in real life of
your soul expressing itself. If everyone likes art, I think
of like the Jackson Pollock that artists to what we
are all like is that art where it's just like
a splatter of paint, right, But I think of your
(16:50):
soul map as like a splatter of your soul on words,
in words on paper. Right. And so it is a
process that is required to add actually start designing your
life to figuring out what guys are right for you,
every single piece of your life. And so there's three
parts of it, okay, And it is part of this
(17:11):
design thinking model because before you design a life or
a relationship, you need to think about the user of
the product that's you. Before a product is designed, the
company spend years and millions and millions of dollars researching
the user. Right, we just we don't do that. We're like, oh,
I'm me. You're not the same person you were when
(17:31):
the twenty year old version of you designed the life
that she thought she would want in your late forties. Right,
You're like, okay, that was a twenty year old idea.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
Well if I didn't even have a clue, right, exactly
though you want, you don't know who you are.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Well, And here's the interesting part about soul mapping is
when I help people with their soul maps and we
kind of actually do this like life mapping process. The
truth is that along the way we come in we're
all we're all us one hundred percent. But life happens,
and we make decisions or decisions are made for us,
and we take different paths, and in order to survive
(18:07):
and adapt, we actually mute or toss away, or repulse
against these parts of ourselves. And so in soul mapping,
you get to actually bring back and discover those parts
of you that got muted, that you believed weren't good,
that you cast aside because you had to. And you're
(18:30):
asking three questions and there's there's a process in the
book to actually answer the questions. But what you will
discover is when I am aligned, I call it resonant,
like think of like that perfect note, you know, and
it's just this is flow? What am I doing?
Speaker 2 (18:46):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Everything from like this morning I was making sourdough and
I was like looking at that bubbly sourdough and then
I was like doing my folds and I was like
this is so fun, Like I could give me all
your I just want to fold up for everybody. Do
you like you note all these times in your life
where it feels in flow, and you note in your
(19:08):
times where it doesn't in a very specific way, and
you have this list of what do you love and
what do you not love? And then you look at
your data, right because you're a researcher in this process,
and you look at, well, how do I best carry
out what I love? Cause if I was doing that
process and like all my friends were like when's that
bread gonna be ready? And They're all on the other
(19:29):
end watching TV and I'm just like flapping the bread
and being like how short? Right, that's not fun, right,
So the how is really important. When I do this
with people with work, It's like I like one on
one versus I like collaborating, I like facilitating. I like
lots of spaciousness in my calendar. I like to work
at night. I'm just not myself in the morning. I
(19:51):
actually love I'm so productive on Sunday afternoons. Like the
how is it low light? Highlight? Do you need a
dark room? Lightroom? So you start to notice all those patterns,
and then finally you look at the why. What are
the core motivations for the things I was doing that
I absolutely freaking loved And you collect all that data
(20:14):
and then you start to connect the dots and you
find the patterns, and then you go, Okay, here's what
I love, Here's how I love to carry it out.
Here's the core motivations that have to be in play.
And then you go, great, here's the map. How do
I literally create all areas of my life? So I
get to do this like that for this reason as
(20:37):
much as possible, including dating.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
You know what? I love this. I feel like the
way we are set up when we're younger is to
think that, okay, if you do these things if you
check these boxes, which you talk about in the book too,
then you should be happy, right the if then's I
always talk about that and then we get to this
place later in life and we realize we're not happy.
But when I hear you talk about is really creating
(21:01):
your own journey and it's not something that someone else
could create for you, or that's gonna look like everything
that everyone else does, which I think is somehow shocking
to us that we could create a life that looks different,
it's unique to us, Like we don't really talk about
that in our society, and I think that's so sad,
because what you're saying is that if we do look
(21:24):
at the unique things that make us happy that work
for us, that is probably where we are going to
find our most true soul aligned but also fulfilling life
one hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
I talked to someone who read the book and she
wrote me and said, I just realized, like I just realized,
like a flow moment like this has got to be
on my soul map. And I was like, what you know,
She's like thank you, and I was like, you're doing
She was like seeing Wicked for the tenth time in
the third row singing out like belting it like to
(21:58):
the She was like, literally, how could I do that
more in my life? Like? Why is that? Just like
you know something I used to be embarrassed about that,
I yeah saying and that I love Broadway and that
I love right. And I was like, well, great, Like
what's what's let's talk about it, let's dive into there.
But like, we have these moments and we think of
them if we look at our life as our peak experiences.
(22:19):
And this was the conversation my husband had and I
had that really changed everything. And we looked and he
went off and wrote his for the last like you know,
decade or so, and I did mine. We came back
and they were the same. And there we were in
our little brand new renovated kitchen and our you know,
my beautiful I had this office that had like poofy white.
It was so pretty like yours and I love that office.
(22:42):
And I was sitting in there and I was like,
wait a minute, why do we live a life for
our peak experiences are literally two weeks once a year?
What the hell?
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (22:52):
I was like, what are we doing? That is like
we're wasting fifty weeks of our life it's a lot
of time. Yeah, and that's that. I was like, all right, no,
I gotta fud that.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Yeah. But okay, So when you get to that moment
where you look around and you're like, oh, I I'm
only doing the things that I want to do for
two weeks at a time. I love that. You also
base a lot of your work in neuroscience, so it's
not just like you're saying, oh, you just got to
like change your mindset or you know, think positively for instance,
Like why doesn't that work? Because I think there's a
(23:24):
lot of teaching out there that's just saying change your
mindset or just you know, the woo woo kind of
a mentality. And I'm like, no, there is actually some
deep diving that needs to be done. But can you
explain why?
Speaker 3 (23:36):
Yeah, totally. I just was talking to some clients. One
of my clients her husband died, she met a new guy,
helped her meet the new guy. They're engaged. She left corporate,
she's starting a bar studio. She's looking for another position
that can help her fund her dream. And we were
talking about her fears. She was like, but my fears
are real. I was like, or what are you afraid
(23:56):
of what if I sell the house in some steak
What if my daughter never wants to come back. What
if I crush her because this is where her and
her dad were and he's passed away and all of
these things. And I said, if you release this fear,
what's the fear you're really gonna have to confront? Okay,
And she was like that I fail, that I lose control.
(24:21):
She was like, this house, it's like it's mine. So
I in the book, I talk about what's the essential problem,
the problem under the problem, and so positivity you cannot
think your way out of your thought. So once you
get to like, oh god, I'm afraid I'm gonna lose
control of my life. Another client in the same conversation
was like, well, for me, it's like I like I
(24:43):
came from nothing and my whole, like ethos is like
I made it. I'm a corporate lawyer. You know, like,
what what would everyone think like if I don't have
it together even for five minutes? What if I fail?
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Right, it's that question you brought up that you faced
of who am I right?
Speaker 3 (25:00):
Exactly exactly? And so if you don't work on the
essential problem and learn how to calm your nervous system
so that you can and that's a lot of also
deep diving. You have to sort of be able to
do that so that the key the lock releases in
(25:20):
your amygdala, which is like your hypervigilance part.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Okay, so you.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
Have to learn how to regulate your nervous system and
then when it goes ah, then you can start to
like actually access your subconscious and like heeal these things, right,
and so now my client and I can work on like, okay, like,
first of all, let's talk to your daughter about like
does she give a shit or is that making up? Right?
(25:46):
Let's talk about with your fiance about how do you
buy a new house together where you feel psychologically and
financially safe? Right, And then we'll also talk about like, okay,
why do you need to control? Right? And then we
can go into her story about you know, being up
for adoption and being there too long, you know, before
(26:09):
she got adopted, and feeling abandoned and lonely in all
of these stories about like not being in control of herself.
And we could do that because we cleared away right,
all the stuff. Right, So I'm about choosing your thoughts,
but you can't bullshit yourself. It doesn't work. It's not
(26:30):
a long term strategy either.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
No, Okay, I have to talk about dating because I
know aleanor we're going they're going to want this from you.
We mentioned you wrote the book How to Find a
Quality Guy Without going on two hundred Dates, which I
guarantee you is going to be purchased by all of
(26:54):
my friends and probably most of the listeners, because I
think that's the big complaint, right is people get on
these dating apps. They feel like they're going on these
dead end dates just over and over and over, and
it's just not going anywhere. They're not finding the things
that they want. So what do you think if you
had to summarize for women, what's the biggest thing that's
keeping them stuck in single?
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Oh my gosh, you don't. I'm laughing because every single
person I work with tells me this, Oh crap, I
didn't really know I was doing literally everything wrong.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Oh okay, well what does that mean though?
Speaker 3 (27:30):
Yeah? So okay, So first of all, we talked about
your your Uh, you have to feel like you're enough,
you have to feel confident, you have to do the
inner work right. So you have to really release the
traumas and the hurts and all of those things, like most.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
People, Okay, go ahead, Sorry, I.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Was gonna say most people if I was going to
say the most common emotional roadblock is that women are
emotionally unavailable and they don't realize it, so they're fully
attracting emotionally unavailable men.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
I completely agree, and that was also my experience. And
I wanted you just to tell the listeners when you say,
you have to go into why you have no self
worth or why you have all this man? Why why
do we have to look at that? Because I'm the
relationship that we want.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
Because because I call it leaking, you are leaking all
of your beliefs and your fears and your disdain for men,
and your disdained for the apps and the last guy
who was such a douchebager, the guy you like who
owes you five thousand dollars. Like there was an episode
of How I Met Your Mother like a million years ago,
(28:36):
and I think it was like Ted Moseby on a
date and behind it they had like all these suitcases
and trunks of all the baggage and he was just
saying all this like insane shit, and the date was
doing the same thing, and I was like, that's exactly it.
You've pulled up to the date with like your luggage.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
Yep, you know.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
And so and so the thing is you will say
or men will say, and I've done man panels what
I've had like women ask men why why? What is this? Yeah,
and what they'll say is it translate to lack of chemistry. Okay,
So that like that guarded, whether you're sitting like this
(29:16):
going prove to me you're not a jerk like everyone else,
or you're going like but inside you're like, just are
you a jerk like everyone else?
Speaker 2 (29:23):
Right?
Speaker 3 (29:24):
It's leaking, right, and.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
So that is like a wall yep.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
And so there's no way you can create like the
spark the connection. If you're leaking. You're leaking, and there's
this like unconscious ten percent of you that doesn't feel enough,
that feels flawed, and so we have to like heal
that part. So that like going into it, like I say,
I have to crack people open and then putting them
(29:49):
back together like with their soul map like a whole
and not you don't want to date like a sixteen
year old, And that's kind of what most of us
are doing.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
Isn't that wild? Because it's so unconscious that I think
if you said that to anyone about why they weren't
finding success in dating, immediately I can hear most of
my friends being like, no, it's because guys suck. And
I'm like, well, that statement right there is.
Speaker 3 (30:13):
Probably exactly right, because that's what you need, that all
men suck.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (30:19):
People also would ask me, Martie, where do I meet
the good guys? I'm like, oh my god, thanks for asking.
I have a key. Actually they're in a warehouse. It's
on the island. Like, but that question, actually, it's like
literally how many times have you heard it? It's the
And I don't mean to be insulting, but it's the
dumbest question ever because it implies there's an answer.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
Right, They're literally everywhere, I promise you, right.
Speaker 3 (30:45):
Yeah, Like someone said, like, uh, men are like real estate.
You know, the market is always changing and always and
new houses coming on the market literally every day.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
It's true, But don't tell me.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
Like there's no good men. You know what, Like five
weeks ago, some guy broke up with someone and now
he feels ready to date again. Five weeks ago, he
wasn't there, So there's always men coming on the market,
so your beliefs are leaking. The second biggest thing is
that if you are dating online, your profile is probably
a rec you're not standing out. Online dating is marketing
(31:21):
and branding. You need to be in the top one percent.
So how do you actually write your profile? Not to
attract everyone, but to actually only attract the very high
level guys that you want. Most dating advice is written
for the average Jane. Most people listening here aren't, so
don't follow that advice. It's bad. You want to turn
off ninety percent of the guys right to be intimidating.
(31:45):
Have professional photos, the selfies, the ones of you and
Africa with the hot and the glasses with your four
besties where you're a dot. He doesn't care at all,
So you want to make sure your photos are great.
And then you want to have a strategy. You can
stay in your mask and energy until you're sitting across
from the date. It's very transactional at the beginning, so
(32:07):
you need to have a strategy in a process so
that men have to jump through hoops without realizing that
they are.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
Oh, tell us more about that.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
Yeah, so my colleague Michael Seen and I collaborated on
this event. On this process, I call it the Mike
g Process in honor of him because he used to
work at Match Company, and yeah, he's really great at
Like you know, all these on dating companies are tech
companies news flash. If you didn't know that, that's right.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
They are their businesses.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
There and they're tech companies. So you have to work
with the tech. So one of the things is it's
like YouTube, right, you have to show the site what
you like. Most people go on there and they go, okay,
come to me, amazing man. I like to go on
the beach, I like to dress up, but I also
(32:58):
can go to black tie you know what I mean?
I am okay, And then maybe like twenty seven guys
like you and ten of them ask you some weird,
inappropriate question and you go, this sucks. Yeah, So you
have to reach out and message men. Men usually don't
(33:19):
get messages their inboxes like really sad. It's like the
last It is like the little last piece of bread
in the in the role. And so when they get
a message and you're like, hey, how's your week going?
Do you know what I mean? For drinks, they're like, what, right,
let me check this person out. They're going to read
your profile, right. And then as you continue to reach out,
(33:40):
you are teaching the algorithm. You're teaching the company this
is who I like. Then a reciprocal thing. So if
you don't engage in the tech, it won't know what
you like, and it'll send you like horror movies. You know,
it'll send you stuff you don't want. So that is
a huge, huge piece that people don't know that you
(34:03):
have to engage with the with the apps, you have
to to have to ask guys out. That's what I'm saying.
Be in the masculine close the deal. I have a
client I'm working on this. She reaches out, they get
on the phone, they set up the date, and they go.
Some of the guys are like, oh, it's great, this
is great. I really I'd love to love to have
coffee with you. And she goes, that's amazing, and they go,
(34:24):
let me get a hold of let's let's talk later
this week, and she goes, Okay, this was fun. Bye,
and then she's like, oh my god, I didn't seal
the deal, right okay, And I'm like, wait, you said
in your first message let's meet for coffee. And I
was like, why are you not saying great Friday or
Thursday Sunday?
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Analyzing the plan?
Speaker 3 (34:44):
Gotta be the CEO. You've got to borrow Evan Marquatz,
you got to like get you got to seal the deal.
And so she was like, oh crap, I will. And
then there was some stuff going on about not wanting
to be masculine and never you know, ask men on
a date. So well that's a really really really huge
huge piece. And then the last piece is like when
(35:06):
you go on dates, men are nervous, and I think
you need to rule them in before you rule them out,
and they let them, let them rule themselves out. They
will if you let them.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
What do you mean by that? Just by based on
their behavior they might not be aligned? Well further you
let that. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (35:28):
Yeah, So like let's just take this client that I'm
talking about. So she fixed this was before she fixed
her problem following up, so she made the she didn't
make the plan. The guy kicked the can down the
road and he was like, she was like Thursday or Saturday,
and he said Thursday could work. And then by noon
she hadn't heard from him. You know, so I told
her to just be like hey, and she was like, hey,
(35:50):
I know we talked about getting together. I just want
to let you know I have plans. I'm still free
Sunday would love to get together. It's not too masking.
You're like, dude, are you in or are you out?
Like literally just okay. So he wrote back and he's like, oh,
I'm so sorry I did get back to you. I
was just I have this friend so flakey, like he
was very nice and he had a great reason, but
he still didn't say yes Saturday works. So I said
(36:15):
to my client, I'm like, just be like great, looking
forward to connecting. Like he'll either do it or he won't.
Totally who cares. He's like your rejection proof. It's not
about you. So you could see like rather than should
rune it back? Oh my god, what if? Because she
thinks he's cute and I had a great phone conversation. Right,
(36:35):
But instead of being like I don't know what should
I do? What she really is and he's bad, I'm like,
he's like question mark, let him see it. Does he
rule himself in or does he rule himself out? That's
why you have to have this to how hard conversations,
you know, so men will rule themselves out, like at
least sixty percent of the time, so you rule them
(36:56):
in because dates are awkward.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
I also, I think one of the main things that
helped me was that it's like that Mile Angelou quote
where she's like, people show you who they are, believe them.
Speaker 3 (37:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
I realized in my dating before I got with my
current boyfriend, I did not want to accept who people were,
like it was and you don't write like you're literally
looking at dating and you meet a guy who has
the potential, which I think is very common with women,
but we're not actually listening to what they're saying. And
when I started actually listening, dating got so much easier.
(37:33):
I do think I went in from the place of
having more self worth too, because when you lose everything,
you kind of feel like, okay, like I survived and
I'm still here, so like this shit is not going
to get me worked off, Like I know I'll be
good either way. So there was that going into it,
but then I just really started to pay attention, and
so I think it was believing, Okay, there is good
(37:56):
men out there. I had to start believing that, and
that immediately almost like up leveled the men that were
being shown to me. If once I started having that belief,
then my self worth was more intact. And then I
just started paying attention to the truth and not even
being pissed about it when it didn't line up with
what I wanted it to be, just accepting it and saying, yeah,
(38:16):
we're just on different journeys, like that's just not going
to work for me, and then poof, I'm in the
best relationship of my life now.
Speaker 3 (38:22):
Oh yeah, I love that.
Speaker 2 (38:24):
Yeah, so I think it really does work all these
things that you're saying, like, there is something to that,
And I want one more question. I wanted to ask
you mentioned women being more emotionally unavailable than they believe.
What is that and what does that look like?
Speaker 3 (38:38):
Yeah, thanks for asking that. Emotionally and available means that
you say you want a relationship, there's a part of
you that it has a little yellow police tape around
your heart, and you're with men that don't require you
to let your guard down because there's an intellectual, rational
part of you that knows that they're not safe. So
how do you know if you're unavailable? I always do
(38:59):
like a dating inventory, like okay. You know, like, well,
my last boyfriend lived out of state. My boyfriend he
like worked all the time. My boyfriend before that, he
kind of was an alcoholic my boyfriend, right, Like all
these behaviors that say I'm unavailable, right, like not present,
(39:19):
you're not emotionally there, you can't connect. And I'll be like, oh,
so when I hear that, I'm like, oh, she's emotionally unavailable.
Or the guy you're always getting the guys that are
like it's not you, it's me, you know, like the workaholics,
the whatever. And so there's a smart ass girl that's like, Okay,
I'm not getting involved in this guy, like something doesn't
(39:42):
feel safe.
Speaker 2 (39:43):
Yeah, so even though we know also more than that.
Speaker 3 (39:47):
Yeah, but some people don't know their yeah okay, right,
and so they're like, oh, why don't this Why can't
I get this guy to like me? Right? Yeah? The
thing is you're shopping at Walmart and you should go
to Tiffany's. And the the only way you get the
key or the purse or the credit card to Tiffany's
is when you're emotionally available, when you're willing to open
(40:07):
up and be vulnerable and let your heart get broken
again because it was worth it, because you know you're
worth Then you start to attract way better men, and
it's crazy the guys that you used to think were
so hot and so great. The man crack I call
it all of a sudden, like you're just like, oh god,
(40:27):
I can't believe I liked that person or I was
obsessed with that guy or used to like that.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (40:32):
It just it feels like it feels like so almost
like you have lost a limb because you know, like
you used to fall for that guy and now you don't.
And so it's a very cool experience. When I see
my clients or the ex cop, they always come back,
you know, when you.
Speaker 2 (40:45):
For sure yeah, and they're like ew oh, it's so
embarrassing almost to look back, like what was I doing?
Speaker 3 (40:53):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Yeah. So if someone is listening and they feel just
so stuck in their love life, what would you say,
say is the first place to start? I would realize
that stuck is an illusion of your mind. Okay, And
so it feels like you're stuck. But what if you're
actually ready for your big breakthrough? What if dating is
(41:14):
actually going to be your ski accident?
Speaker 3 (41:16):
Right? What if it's going to be the thing that
actually because you claim that you want it, you're willing
to do the deep work and actually take it seriously
and figure it out, because it sounds like for you,
you know, you started doing the work, and you started right,
And so I think everyone has to find their thing.
And so how we see ourselves is only in the
(41:37):
context of the consciousness we have. And if you zoom
way out right and you knew that, like down the
road six months, a year, whatever, you're in the most
amazing relationship. You're not stuck. You're actually like getting ready.
You're like exactly where you need to be. To be
so frustrated that you do something different, because I don't
(42:00):
want your listeners to keep trying harder at what already
is not working. Yea, that's that is a waste of time. Yeah,
that's insanity. You know the Einstein quote. And so what
if I'm not stuck? What if I just need to
actually take it seriously and get ready. Yeah, but if
it's a me problem, we just started to getting blaming
everyone else. What if it's actually me. I'm in control
(42:23):
of me. I can change everything that I want to
to be more of me, And you're empowered, you're not stuck.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
And with that statement, than what if it's me? It's like,
it doesn't doesn't negate that those guys that are not
showing up for you or whatever like that doesn't negate
that that's not an okay behavior. No, why do you
keep showing up for it? Is the question? Or why
do you keep ending up with the same type of guy?
Like that's the way it when you go what if
it's me, that's the stuff to start looking at.
Speaker 3 (42:51):
Yeah, my favorite line is just you know, we talked
about radical honesty. Yeah, I'm the common denominator in all
my failed relationship.
Speaker 2 (43:00):
It's the truth. It's a harsh truth, but it is
the truth.
Speaker 3 (43:04):
Right when I say that, people are like, ooh, busted,
hate love you? Right, But that's that's true, and that's
true for everything. You know, Like we can only change ourselves.
That's the power that we have. So how can we?
And it doesn't mean you're broken or flawed. It means that,
as I said at the beginning, there's these parts of
you that have been hurt and frustrated and damaged, and
(43:24):
you've lost your voice, and you've lost yourself earth and
you've lost so many things. Now it's time to like
gather that all back up and put that in fill
your cup and put that into dating and love yourself,
have a strategy and become rejection proof.
Speaker 2 (43:39):
Well, we mentioned the two books today that we were
talking about your Radical Living Challenge and how to find
a quality guy without going on two hundred dates. So
I'll put that in the description of the podcast for
you guys. If people want to work with you, Marnie,
where would they find you?
Speaker 3 (43:52):
They best go to Marniebattista dot com and it's M
A R and I be A T T I STA.
Or they can take my quiz, which is Decode your
Destinyquiz dot com, which will actually show you where you
are right now with your heartset and your mindset to
see what your destiny will be.
Speaker 2 (44:10):
That sounds like a really good place to start.
Speaker 3 (44:12):
Yeah, Decode your Destiny Quiz dot com.
Speaker 2 (44:15):
Okay, well, I'll put both of those in the description
of the podcast for you guys. Again, Thank you so much.
I loved this conversation so fun and I'm.
Speaker 3 (44:21):
So happy for you. Good, thank you, amazing.
Speaker 2 (44:25):
Thank you guys for listening.
Speaker 1 (44:27):
Thanks for listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,
where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a
little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty
and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.
Conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. It's The Velvet's
Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Marnie Batista is here. She is a transformational coach, entrepreneur,
podcast host, and the author of Your Radical Living Challenge,
with we will talk about today. She's also written How
to Find a Quality Guy Without going on two hundred Dates,
which I know you guys are going to be dying
to hear about. Hi, Marnie, how are you guys?
Speaker 3 (00:29):
So good to be here?
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Thank you so much for being here. I also should
mention that you are the founder of Dating with Dignity,
which is a research based personal development company, and it's
helped thousands of successful women create not just thriving relationships,
but soul aligned lives. And I love I love that
connection because that's been very true in my life. The
more aligned I have started living in my own soul,
(00:54):
the more the people that come into my life, the relationships, anything,
it just it just works better. It's just it's completely different.
The more you live in soul alignment. Is that why
you started this kind of work with women?
Speaker 3 (01:09):
Well, I mean the dating thing came. They say, you know,
you teach what you need to learn. Yeah, but I
was married for seventeen years. I have three kids from
that marriage, and after that ended, I sort of just
adopted the philosophy of like, the best way to get
over someone is get under someone else, right, I don't
(01:30):
heard that. Yeah, yeah, I don't advise it. And then I,
you know, I ended up with this guy who was
like a basically just a at the time better looking
version and younger of my ex husband. And after that
ended pretty quickly, I was like, I have three daughters
for a reason. I feel like the universe gave me
this so that I would make sure I don't pass
it on, so to speak. And that's when I really
(01:52):
started to do the work. And the reason why I
named the dating part of my company Dating with Digny,
is because I felt like that was gone, like the
whole process of dating, the whole process of even like
being in a relationship. When you don't feel like you're enough,
you just lose your self respect and your dignity. And
(02:14):
so it was an internal starting point. And when I
started doing that work and then mixed it sort of
with like mindset and skill set, everything sort of kind
of unfolded. And then that was when I was forty two.
Now I'm fifty eight. Okay. What I learned is that
transformation doesn't end you don't fix it right. And now
(02:34):
I've been with my second husband for sixteen years, almost
as long as my first marriage, and so the second
book about Radical Living Challenge really came from this place
of me having it all. You know, I got the divorce,
I got the man, I got the business, and I'm like,
why am I still not feeling happy? Like what's wrong
with me? And I blamed it all of my husband,
(02:55):
as one does, and that was sort of the starting
point for the next of my journey.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Well, can you tell us a little bit more about that,
because I love that you just focused on the blame
you were putting on someone else, because that's such the
human thing to do, right, That's the quickest thing we
go to is like, well, I must not be happy
because of them or this situation happening. And I know
you had a ski accident, right, and then some other
losses at the same time. And I loved reading your
(03:22):
story because that was when it seemed like the catalyst
for you to be like, okay, yo, I gotta change
in things. So can you tell the listeners a little
bit about that and how that started you on your journey.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
Well, why I do what I do now is because
I don't want some tragedy to happen to anyone listening
to finally realize that life is short. They get one
life to live and to stop messing around, you know,
because that's what happened to me. Right. So I wrote
actually an essay that was in the La Times about
how I wanted my husband to change because at the time,
like when I met him, he was working in entertainment.
(03:52):
We lived in LA It was a horrible lifestyle. He
hated it, and we sort of made this agreement that
he would help meeting with the kids because they were younger,
and that worked until it didn't work because my kids
left the nest and I was like, you need to
like get a job, like work, What the hell are
you doing? You know? And so I and he didn't
want to be in LA And so then I just
lumped all his own issues on him like that he
(04:16):
vulnerably shared, and I was like, it's your fault. You
just need to get happy and get over it and
then we'll be fine. We'll be fine because I'll be fine. Meanwhile,
like my business. I'd grown it and I was just
not doing anything that I loved doing anymore. I wasn't coaching.
I was like, I just wrote something about it today
about like the aha moment. I was sitting, you know,
(04:36):
at my desk, having a moment with my COEO. She
was complaining to me about one of my coaches that
I hired, who was like just griping about everything. Someone
else had just quit. I got an email from a
client who was pissed and wanted to refund because she
signed up for that coach. And I was just like
babysitting all these people, And I was like, what am
I doing? And I told my husband I want to
(04:56):
break up with my business. But I was like I
can't do that. I've been doing for this, you know,
this forever. This is what I do. I can't sacrifice everything.
And Kelly, I just kept pushing and pushing, pushing it down.
And then about three weeks before the world started hoarding
toilet paper in the pandemic, I got in this near
(05:18):
crippling ski accident and I couldn't move for like about
nine ten weeks, and without being able to do anything
and just be it was just like me upstairs listening
to people like cleaning vegetables downstairs with a claw and
the remote. I was like, who am I? Yeah, like
(05:39):
who am I? And that was really like the point
where I said, I have built my life on this
paradigm of success and this certain foundation and this lie
that if I do all this stuff, I'm gonna be happy.
And it's not working. And my mom died at sixty four.
I was fifty five. My dad had died in twenty nineteen,
(06:03):
like mumbling about credit cards and trying to like check
his email like at seventy eight in his last moments.
And I was like, there's got to be more.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Yeah, yeah, I know what you're just describing. And then
also I know with the women that you work with
and your coaching business, I mean, it's usually high functioning people, right,
And it's not like this thing where you're working with
people who don't have what looks to be success on
the outside. So what is usually missing, Like, what are
(06:31):
you finding that's missing in their lives that's making them
not happy?
Speaker 3 (06:34):
Well, they're living by these pre prescribed shoulds. Okay, Okay,
So we talked to the beginning about soul alignment, right, Okay,
so soul alignment is over here. Doing what you should
do every minute of your day is like it's off
the screen. It's like it's not even close, right, And
so what happens is we start tolerating, We make these
(06:55):
little exceptions here and there, We sell ourselves the story
that I only have to do this for a little
bit longer if so and so would change, Like why
is this happening to me? And there is just this
fear that presses up against that longing for something real.
(07:17):
And what I've learned, especially since the pandemic, and so
many women in their late forties and early fifties and older,
had this little taste of like freedom and not living
by so many rules, and now they're all just crushing
back and there's chaos everywhere, and they're just like, but Marnie,
but if I don't do this, then what do I do?
(07:40):
And the reason why I wrote my book is because
when I was in that moment, I was like searching
and googling and I couldn't find any help. And really
that's why I wrote the book, Because I created the
system based on the design thinking model at Stanford University,
and that really was the pivot. So what's missing to
answer your question is you're so not being yourself. You're
so out of alignment. You're just making other people happy.
(08:02):
You were just people pleasing, proving, not sleeping. It's you
can't live like that. It's not sustainable.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Yeah. Well, and I want to talk about the book
a little bit. That was the perfect segue because you
bring up these seven radical questions in the book, and
I know that you developed these questions and they changed
everything for you. So can you tell the listeners, I mean,
without giving them all away, just say a couple of
the overall reasons or feelings behind these questions and why
(08:30):
it would do exactly what you're saying, get us out
of the shoulds and get us into the more soul
aligned place.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
Yeah. So a couple of things. One is that when
I work with clients, I still have clients with dating.
They come to me and they're like, Okay, you know
what's the hack, Like you know, yeah, on my day,
Zach whatever, And I'm like, wait a minute, no, Like,
I don't do it that way. But it's an inside
out approach because number one, you have to be sold
(08:59):
or and in who you choose and how you show
up in dating, because when you do it based on
the shoods, it doesn't work out. So whatever never right. So,
so what I realized when I kind of reflected back
on the fifteen or so years of dating coaching, I
(09:20):
was like, how do I teach my clients to be
rejection proof?
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Okay? Which everyone would want to know, right, go through rejection?
Speaker 3 (09:29):
So yeah, nobody does okay. So and so what I
called it before I wrote the book was resourcing, meaning
that it's like, let's say you have an iPhone and
the battery is dying and you're out, you know, out
in the middle of New York City and you're like,
where can I plug this thing in? Right? And you're
(09:52):
like looking for chargers. You're going, you know, in the restaurant.
You're kind of like trying to see if there's a plot,
like you're trying to plug it in right and what
and then they change the charger. Oh, then like in
your car and you're just like, yeah, I can't plug
my phone in, okay. Our confidence and self worth is
like our phone, okay. And what happens is we are
(10:13):
using men and dating and their feedback and their validation
to plug in that we are enough. So when they
don't give us what we want, we can't recharge, and
then we quit. And so I was like, wait, what
I call it is resourcing. You have to source your
enoughness internally. Yes, And when I looked at the system
(10:37):
that I used to help women resource internally and really
feel enough. And so when you're then like you are
rejection proof because you have an abundance mindset and if
it's not this, it's something better and dating is fun
and you just don't take it personally. And so I
realized that the seven questions, right, and I'll talk about
what in particular in a second, but those are the how.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Okay, they are the how of the resourcing.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
Yes, so if you do these seven things on you know,
autopilot where it feels like breathing, then you are able
to resource and it doesn't matter how your charger changes
or where you are, you could always plug in to.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Your pay That totally makes sense.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
Yeah, Okay. One of my favorite questions, and it really
is important to the dating process is were you honest?
So most people are like, oh, I'm honest, and I'm
not talking in the tank command. That's kind of a
way like I'm trusting if you're listening. You're not lying
or stealing or cheating or you know, wounding anyone. So
(11:42):
but what happens is because of those points where we're
just tolerating all the time, we're not telling the truth
to ourselves, so we lie to ourselves. So one of
the biggest mistakes that happens when you're not honest with yourself,
that leaks everywhere into your dating is being afraid to
say what you want.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
It's so true, especially for women, right one hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Okay, So the point where if you look at like
and I've done like these these profile reviews, you know,
and and I look at them, and it reflects that
you are trying to look like you don't care. Sure,
it looks like you don't care because you don't want
to say, like, oh, I'm really serious about dating. I'm
going to give everything I have to online dating, and
(12:29):
I'm gonna put all my heart in it, and I'm
gonna write this amazing profile. I'm a profession Nobody does
that unless they're working with me, because there's this aloofiness.
You're like, Oh, I don't want to even think I
need a man, I don't want to even think I
care about dating. That's a lie. You're right and so so,
and then that translates. So then what I see is
(12:50):
out in the in the field when you're dating, women
are afraid to say what they want, so they're not
saying on the second or third date, which I highly recommend. Hey,
I'm in a place where I'm like actually looking for
my partner. I'm super excited about it, and I'm putting
my heart and soul into it right now? What about you?
Right scar? Mom? I don't want him to think that
(13:11):
I'm needy. I don't want to, you know, And I'm like, okay,
you're lying. And then three or four months from now,
when you're just casually dating him, still you're actually pissed
because he doesn't want a relationship. Well, you pretended that
you didn't care from the jump, yep. So so how
do you resource yourself while you're constantly saying, am I
(13:35):
being honest? What do I really want? How do I
communicate that? How do I show up in that way?
How do I ask for what I want? How do
I set boundaries? And then we go, oh wow, I
feel really good about myself. I feel enough because we
build psychological safety and integrity with ourselves and heal the
parts of ourselves that overfunction and don't have boundaries when
(13:58):
we take care of ourselves. And then you're like, oh, well,
it's okay. Like I told him this and he didn't
do it. I know this was what I wanted, and
I'm confident about I was honest with myself and I
was honest with him, And so everything about resourcing comes
from implementing the how of all these different questions.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
It has literally changed my life to do some of
the changes that you're speaking about as far as specifically dating.
But I think it's just such. These are the conversations
I'm having with my friends all the time, and everyone
lives by, it seems to live by this place of
like you need to be the cool girl. Yeah, I
got over that for some reason. I think my world
(14:39):
crashed so hard and I was like, I don't care
about being the cool girl. I'm going to be me.
And it's interesting because that was the scariest thing for
a while. But then the second I made that flip,
it's like everything I actually wanted started flowing into my life.
And it's crazy that we really talk ourselves out of
living in our own truth because as you said, then
(15:01):
we end up in these situations where you either have
to continue the lie or not. They're using your voice,
and it gets exhausting, and there's always resentment that breeds
or the relationship's going to end. So what's the point
of wasting all the time.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
Yeah, it's so crazy because the thing that most people
are worried about, and not just in dating but at work,
with their neighbors, with their family, is like what will
everyone else think?
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Exactly?
Speaker 3 (15:25):
You know, if I approach my life in a radical way,
and radical doesn't mean like a revolt or revolution, it
means radical because you're actually rooting into what you care
about and you're screwing the shoods and you're really living
your life. But if you're just so worried about what
everyone else thinks, that becomes very challenging.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Yeah, exhausting as well.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
I want to talk about soul mapping, and this is
something you talk about. Can you tell the listeners what
soul mapping is and how it can help us connect
to what we do actually want? Because I think a
lot of problems for me came from I didn't even
know what I wanted and I had lived this whole
life based on what I thought I should do, Like
you're saying, I got to be in my late thirties
(16:18):
and when it crashed, I was like, I don't even
know that I wanted that stuff. So it really set
me on a journey of that. And I think that's
kind of what you describe with the soul mapping things.
I want to tell the listeners a little bit about that.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Yeah, So soul mapping is really like it's like your thumbprint,
because it is your unique reflection in real life of
your soul expressing itself. If everyone likes art, I think
of like the Jackson Pollock that artists to what we
are all like is that art where it's just like
a splatter of paint, right, But I think of your
(16:50):
soul map as like a splatter of your soul on words,
in words on paper. Right. And so it is a
process that is required to add actually start designing your
life to figuring out what guys are right for you,
every single piece of your life. And so there's three
parts of it, okay, And it is part of this
(17:11):
design thinking model because before you design a life or
a relationship, you need to think about the user of
the product that's you. Before a product is designed, the
company spend years and millions and millions of dollars researching
the user. Right, we just we don't do that. We're like, oh,
I'm me. You're not the same person you were when
(17:31):
the twenty year old version of you designed the life
that she thought she would want in your late forties. Right,
You're like, okay, that was a twenty year old idea.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
Well if I didn't even have a clue, right, exactly
though you want, you don't know who you are.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Well, And here's the interesting part about soul mapping is
when I help people with their soul maps and we
kind of actually do this like life mapping process. The
truth is that along the way we come in we're
all we're all us one hundred percent. But life happens,
and we make decisions or decisions are made for us,
and we take different paths, and in order to survive
(18:07):
and adapt, we actually mute or toss away, or repulse
against these parts of ourselves. And so in soul mapping,
you get to actually bring back and discover those parts
of you that got muted, that you believed weren't good,
that you cast aside because you had to. And you're
(18:30):
asking three questions and there's there's a process in the
book to actually answer the questions. But what you will
discover is when I am aligned, I call it resonant,
like think of like that perfect note, you know, and
it's just this is flow? What am I doing?
Speaker 2 (18:46):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Everything from like this morning I was making sourdough and
I was like looking at that bubbly sourdough and then
I was like doing my folds and I was like
this is so fun, Like I could give me all
your I just want to fold up for everybody. Do
you like you note all these times in your life
where it feels in flow, and you note in your
(19:08):
times where it doesn't in a very specific way, and
you have this list of what do you love and
what do you not love? And then you look at
your data, right because you're a researcher in this process,
and you look at, well, how do I best carry
out what I love? Cause if I was doing that
process and like all my friends were like when's that
bread gonna be ready? And They're all on the other
(19:29):
end watching TV and I'm just like flapping the bread
and being like how short? Right, that's not fun, right,
So the how is really important. When I do this
with people with work, It's like I like one on
one versus I like collaborating, I like facilitating. I like
lots of spaciousness in my calendar. I like to work
at night. I'm just not myself in the morning. I
(19:51):
actually love I'm so productive on Sunday afternoons. Like the
how is it low light? Highlight? Do you need a
dark room? Lightroom? So you start to notice all those patterns,
and then finally you look at the why. What are
the core motivations for the things I was doing that
I absolutely freaking loved And you collect all that data
(20:14):
and then you start to connect the dots and you
find the patterns, and then you go, Okay, here's what
I love, Here's how I love to carry it out.
Here's the core motivations that have to be in play.
And then you go, great, here's the map. How do
I literally create all areas of my life? So I
get to do this like that for this reason as
(20:37):
much as possible, including dating.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
You know what? I love this. I feel like the
way we are set up when we're younger is to
think that, okay, if you do these things if you
check these boxes, which you talk about in the book too,
then you should be happy, right the if then's I
always talk about that and then we get to this
place later in life and we realize we're not happy.
But when I hear you talk about is really creating
(21:01):
your own journey and it's not something that someone else
could create for you, or that's gonna look like everything
that everyone else does, which I think is somehow shocking
to us that we could create a life that looks different,
it's unique to us, Like we don't really talk about
that in our society, and I think that's so sad,
because what you're saying is that if we do look
(21:24):
at the unique things that make us happy that work
for us, that is probably where we are going to
find our most true soul aligned but also fulfilling life
one hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
I talked to someone who read the book and she
wrote me and said, I just realized, like I just realized,
like a flow moment like this has got to be
on my soul map. And I was like, what you know,
She's like thank you, and I was like, you're doing
She was like seeing Wicked for the tenth time in
the third row singing out like belting it like to
(21:58):
the She was like, literally, how could I do that
more in my life? Like? Why is that? Just like
you know something I used to be embarrassed about that,
I yeah saying and that I love Broadway and that
I love right. And I was like, well, great, Like
what's what's let's talk about it, let's dive into there.
But like, we have these moments and we think of
them if we look at our life as our peak experiences.
(22:19):
And this was the conversation my husband had and I
had that really changed everything. And we looked and he
went off and wrote his for the last like you know,
decade or so, and I did mine. We came back
and they were the same. And there we were in
our little brand new renovated kitchen and our you know,
my beautiful I had this office that had like poofy white.
It was so pretty like yours and I love that office.
(22:42):
And I was sitting in there and I was like,
wait a minute, why do we live a life for
our peak experiences are literally two weeks once a year?
What the hell?
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (22:52):
I was like, what are we doing? That is like
we're wasting fifty weeks of our life it's a lot
of time. Yeah, and that's that. I was like, all right, no,
I gotta fud that.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Yeah. But okay, So when you get to that moment
where you look around and you're like, oh, I I'm
only doing the things that I want to do for
two weeks at a time. I love that. You also
base a lot of your work in neuroscience, so it's
not just like you're saying, oh, you just got to
like change your mindset or you know, think positively for instance,
Like why doesn't that work? Because I think there's a
(23:24):
lot of teaching out there that's just saying change your
mindset or just you know, the woo woo kind of
a mentality. And I'm like, no, there is actually some
deep diving that needs to be done. But can you
explain why?
Speaker 3 (23:36):
Yeah, totally. I just was talking to some clients. One
of my clients her husband died, she met a new guy,
helped her meet the new guy. They're engaged. She left corporate,
she's starting a bar studio. She's looking for another position
that can help her fund her dream. And we were
talking about her fears. She was like, but my fears
are real. I was like, or what are you afraid
(23:56):
of what if I sell the house in some steak
What if my daughter never wants to come back. What
if I crush her because this is where her and
her dad were and he's passed away and all of
these things. And I said, if you release this fear,
what's the fear you're really gonna have to confront? Okay,
And she was like that I fail, that I lose control.
(24:21):
She was like, this house, it's like it's mine. So
I in the book, I talk about what's the essential problem,
the problem under the problem, and so positivity you cannot
think your way out of your thought. So once you
get to like, oh god, I'm afraid I'm gonna lose
control of my life. Another client in the same conversation
was like, well, for me, it's like I like I
(24:43):
came from nothing and my whole, like ethos is like
I made it. I'm a corporate lawyer. You know, like,
what what would everyone think like if I don't have
it together even for five minutes? What if I fail?
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Right, it's that question you brought up that you faced
of who am I right?
Speaker 3 (25:00):
Exactly exactly? And so if you don't work on the
essential problem and learn how to calm your nervous system
so that you can and that's a lot of also
deep diving. You have to sort of be able to
do that so that the key the lock releases in
(25:20):
your amygdala, which is like your hypervigilance part.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Okay, so you.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
Have to learn how to regulate your nervous system and
then when it goes ah, then you can start to
like actually access your subconscious and like heeal these things, right,
and so now my client and I can work on like, okay, like,
first of all, let's talk to your daughter about like
does she give a shit or is that making up? Right?
(25:46):
Let's talk about with your fiance about how do you
buy a new house together where you feel psychologically and
financially safe? Right, And then we'll also talk about like, okay,
why do you need to control? Right? And then we
can go into her story about you know, being up
for adoption and being there too long, you know, before
(26:09):
she got adopted, and feeling abandoned and lonely in all
of these stories about like not being in control of herself.
And we could do that because we cleared away right,
all the stuff. Right, So I'm about choosing your thoughts,
but you can't bullshit yourself. It doesn't work. It's not
(26:30):
a long term strategy either.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
No, Okay, I have to talk about dating because I
know aleanor we're going they're going to want this from you.
We mentioned you wrote the book How to Find a
Quality Guy Without going on two hundred Dates, which I
guarantee you is going to be purchased by all of
(26:54):
my friends and probably most of the listeners, because I
think that's the big complaint, right is people get on
these dating apps. They feel like they're going on these
dead end dates just over and over and over, and
it's just not going anywhere. They're not finding the things
that they want. So what do you think if you
had to summarize for women, what's the biggest thing that's
keeping them stuck in single?
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Oh my gosh, you don't. I'm laughing because every single
person I work with tells me this, Oh crap, I
didn't really know I was doing literally everything wrong.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Oh okay, well what does that mean though?
Speaker 3 (27:30):
Yeah? So okay, So first of all, we talked about
your your Uh, you have to feel like you're enough,
you have to feel confident, you have to do the
inner work right. So you have to really release the
traumas and the hurts and all of those things, like most.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
People, Okay, go ahead, Sorry, I.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Was gonna say most people if I was going to
say the most common emotional roadblock is that women are
emotionally unavailable and they don't realize it, so they're fully
attracting emotionally unavailable men.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
I completely agree, and that was also my experience. And
I wanted you just to tell the listeners when you say,
you have to go into why you have no self
worth or why you have all this man? Why why
do we have to look at that? Because I'm the
relationship that we want.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
Because because I call it leaking, you are leaking all
of your beliefs and your fears and your disdain for men,
and your disdained for the apps and the last guy
who was such a douchebager, the guy you like who
owes you five thousand dollars. Like there was an episode
of How I Met Your Mother like a million years ago,
(28:36):
and I think it was like Ted Moseby on a
date and behind it they had like all these suitcases
and trunks of all the baggage and he was just
saying all this like insane shit, and the date was
doing the same thing, and I was like, that's exactly it.
You've pulled up to the date with like your luggage.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
Yep, you know.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
And so and so the thing is you will say
or men will say, and I've done man panels what
I've had like women ask men why why? What is this? Yeah,
and what they'll say is it translate to lack of chemistry. Okay,
So that like that guarded, whether you're sitting like this
(29:16):
going prove to me you're not a jerk like everyone else,
or you're going like but inside you're like, just are
you a jerk like everyone else?
Speaker 2 (29:23):
Right?
Speaker 3 (29:24):
It's leaking, right, and.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
So that is like a wall yep.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
And so there's no way you can create like the
spark the connection. If you're leaking. You're leaking, and there's
this like unconscious ten percent of you that doesn't feel enough,
that feels flawed, and so we have to like heal
that part. So that like going into it, like I say,
I have to crack people open and then putting them
(29:49):
back together like with their soul map like a whole
and not you don't want to date like a sixteen
year old, And that's kind of what most of us
are doing.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
Isn't that wild? Because it's so unconscious that I think
if you said that to anyone about why they weren't
finding success in dating, immediately I can hear most of
my friends being like, no, it's because guys suck. And
I'm like, well, that statement right there is.
Speaker 3 (30:13):
Probably exactly right, because that's what you need, that all
men suck.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (30:19):
People also would ask me, Martie, where do I meet
the good guys? I'm like, oh my god, thanks for asking.
I have a key. Actually they're in a warehouse. It's
on the island. Like, but that question, actually, it's like
literally how many times have you heard it? It's the
And I don't mean to be insulting, but it's the
dumbest question ever because it implies there's an answer.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
Right, They're literally everywhere, I promise you, right.
Speaker 3 (30:45):
Yeah, Like someone said, like, uh, men are like real estate.
You know, the market is always changing and always and
new houses coming on the market literally every day.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
It's true, But don't tell me.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
Like there's no good men. You know what, Like five
weeks ago, some guy broke up with someone and now
he feels ready to date again. Five weeks ago, he
wasn't there, So there's always men coming on the market,
so your beliefs are leaking. The second biggest thing is
that if you are dating online, your profile is probably
a rec you're not standing out. Online dating is marketing
(31:21):
and branding. You need to be in the top one percent.
So how do you actually write your profile? Not to
attract everyone, but to actually only attract the very high
level guys that you want. Most dating advice is written
for the average Jane. Most people listening here aren't, so
don't follow that advice. It's bad. You want to turn
off ninety percent of the guys right to be intimidating.
(31:45):
Have professional photos, the selfies, the ones of you and
Africa with the hot and the glasses with your four
besties where you're a dot. He doesn't care at all,
So you want to make sure your photos are great.
And then you want to have a strategy. You can
stay in your mask and energy until you're sitting across
from the date. It's very transactional at the beginning, so
(32:07):
you need to have a strategy in a process so
that men have to jump through hoops without realizing that
they are.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
Oh, tell us more about that.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
Yeah, so my colleague Michael Seen and I collaborated on
this event. On this process, I call it the Mike
g Process in honor of him because he used to
work at Match Company, and yeah, he's really great at
Like you know, all these on dating companies are tech
companies news flash. If you didn't know that, that's right.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
They are their businesses.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
There and they're tech companies. So you have to work
with the tech. So one of the things is it's
like YouTube, right, you have to show the site what
you like. Most people go on there and they go, okay,
come to me, amazing man. I like to go on
the beach, I like to dress up, but I also
(32:58):
can go to black tie you know what I mean?
I am okay, And then maybe like twenty seven guys
like you and ten of them ask you some weird,
inappropriate question and you go, this sucks. Yeah, So you
have to reach out and message men. Men usually don't
(33:19):
get messages their inboxes like really sad. It's like the
last It is like the little last piece of bread
in the in the role. And so when they get
a message and you're like, hey, how's your week going?
Do you know what I mean? For drinks, they're like, what, right,
let me check this person out. They're going to read
your profile, right. And then as you continue to reach out,
(33:40):
you are teaching the algorithm. You're teaching the company this
is who I like. Then a reciprocal thing. So if
you don't engage in the tech, it won't know what
you like, and it'll send you like horror movies. You know,
it'll send you stuff you don't want. So that is
a huge, huge piece that people don't know that you
(34:03):
have to engage with the with the apps, you have
to to have to ask guys out. That's what I'm saying.
Be in the masculine close the deal. I have a
client I'm working on this. She reaches out, they get
on the phone, they set up the date, and they go.
Some of the guys are like, oh, it's great, this
is great. I really I'd love to love to have
coffee with you. And she goes, that's amazing, and they go,
(34:24):
let me get a hold of let's let's talk later
this week, and she goes, Okay, this was fun. Bye,
and then she's like, oh my god, I didn't seal
the deal, right okay, And I'm like, wait, you said
in your first message let's meet for coffee. And I
was like, why are you not saying great Friday or
Thursday Sunday?
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Analyzing the plan?
Speaker 3 (34:44):
Gotta be the CEO. You've got to borrow Evan Marquatz,
you got to like get you got to seal the deal.
And so she was like, oh crap, I will. And
then there was some stuff going on about not wanting
to be masculine and never you know, ask men on
a date. So well that's a really really really huge
huge piece. And then the last piece is like when
(35:06):
you go on dates, men are nervous, and I think
you need to rule them in before you rule them out,
and they let them, let them rule themselves out. They
will if you let them.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
What do you mean by that? Just by based on
their behavior they might not be aligned? Well further you
let that. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (35:28):
Yeah, So like let's just take this client that I'm
talking about. So she fixed this was before she fixed
her problem following up, so she made the she didn't
make the plan. The guy kicked the can down the
road and he was like, she was like Thursday or Saturday,
and he said Thursday could work. And then by noon
she hadn't heard from him. You know, so I told
her to just be like hey, and she was like, hey,
(35:50):
I know we talked about getting together. I just want
to let you know I have plans. I'm still free
Sunday would love to get together. It's not too masking.
You're like, dude, are you in or are you out?
Like literally just okay. So he wrote back and he's like, oh,
I'm so sorry I did get back to you. I
was just I have this friend so flakey, like he
was very nice and he had a great reason, but
he still didn't say yes Saturday works. So I said
(36:15):
to my client, I'm like, just be like great, looking
forward to connecting. Like he'll either do it or he won't.
Totally who cares. He's like your rejection proof. It's not
about you. So you could see like rather than should
rune it back? Oh my god, what if? Because she
thinks he's cute and I had a great phone conversation. Right,
(36:35):
But instead of being like I don't know what should
I do? What she really is and he's bad, I'm like,
he's like question mark, let him see it. Does he
rule himself in or does he rule himself out? That's
why you have to have this to how hard conversations,
you know, so men will rule themselves out, like at
least sixty percent of the time, so you rule them
(36:56):
in because dates are awkward.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
I also, I think one of the main things that
helped me was that it's like that Mile Angelou quote
where she's like, people show you who they are, believe them.
Speaker 3 (37:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
I realized in my dating before I got with my
current boyfriend, I did not want to accept who people were,
like it was and you don't write like you're literally
looking at dating and you meet a guy who has
the potential, which I think is very common with women,
but we're not actually listening to what they're saying. And
when I started actually listening, dating got so much easier.
(37:33):
I do think I went in from the place of
having more self worth too, because when you lose everything,
you kind of feel like, okay, like I survived and
I'm still here, so like this shit is not going
to get me worked off, Like I know I'll be
good either way. So there was that going into it,
but then I just really started to pay attention, and
so I think it was believing, Okay, there is good
(37:56):
men out there. I had to start believing that, and
that immediately almost like up leveled the men that were
being shown to me. If once I started having that belief,
then my self worth was more intact. And then I
just started paying attention to the truth and not even
being pissed about it when it didn't line up with
what I wanted it to be, just accepting it and saying, yeah,
(38:16):
we're just on different journeys, like that's just not going
to work for me, and then poof, I'm in the
best relationship of my life now.
Speaker 3 (38:22):
Oh yeah, I love that.
Speaker 2 (38:24):
Yeah, so I think it really does work all these
things that you're saying, like, there is something to that,
And I want one more question. I wanted to ask
you mentioned women being more emotionally unavailable than they believe.
What is that and what does that look like?
Speaker 3 (38:38):
Yeah, thanks for asking that. Emotionally and available means that
you say you want a relationship, there's a part of
you that it has a little yellow police tape around
your heart, and you're with men that don't require you
to let your guard down because there's an intellectual, rational
part of you that knows that they're not safe. So
how do you know if you're unavailable? I always do
(38:59):
like a dating inventory, like okay. You know, like, well,
my last boyfriend lived out of state. My boyfriend he
like worked all the time. My boyfriend before that, he
kind of was an alcoholic my boyfriend, right, Like all
these behaviors that say I'm unavailable, right, like not present,
(39:19):
you're not emotionally there, you can't connect. And I'll be like, oh,
so when I hear that, I'm like, oh, she's emotionally unavailable.
Or the guy you're always getting the guys that are
like it's not you, it's me, you know, like the workaholics,
the whatever. And so there's a smart ass girl that's like, Okay,
I'm not getting involved in this guy, like something doesn't
(39:42):
feel safe.
Speaker 2 (39:43):
Yeah, so even though we know also more than that.
Speaker 3 (39:47):
Yeah, but some people don't know their yeah okay, right,
and so they're like, oh, why don't this Why can't
I get this guy to like me? Right? Yeah? The
thing is you're shopping at Walmart and you should go
to Tiffany's. And the the only way you get the
key or the purse or the credit card to Tiffany's
is when you're emotionally available, when you're willing to open
(40:07):
up and be vulnerable and let your heart get broken
again because it was worth it, because you know you're
worth Then you start to attract way better men, and
it's crazy the guys that you used to think were
so hot and so great. The man crack I call
it all of a sudden, like you're just like, oh god,
(40:27):
I can't believe I liked that person or I was
obsessed with that guy or used to like that.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (40:32):
It just it feels like it feels like so almost
like you have lost a limb because you know, like
you used to fall for that guy and now you don't.
And so it's a very cool experience. When I see
my clients or the ex cop, they always come back,
you know, when you.
Speaker 2 (40:45):
For sure yeah, and they're like ew oh, it's so
embarrassing almost to look back, like what was I doing?
Speaker 3 (40:53):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Yeah. So if someone is listening and they feel just
so stuck in their love life, what would you say,
say is the first place to start? I would realize
that stuck is an illusion of your mind. Okay, And
so it feels like you're stuck. But what if you're
actually ready for your big breakthrough? What if dating is
(41:14):
actually going to be your ski accident?
Speaker 3 (41:16):
Right? What if it's going to be the thing that
actually because you claim that you want it, you're willing
to do the deep work and actually take it seriously
and figure it out, because it sounds like for you,
you know, you started doing the work, and you started right,
And so I think everyone has to find their thing.
And so how we see ourselves is only in the
(41:37):
context of the consciousness we have. And if you zoom
way out right and you knew that, like down the
road six months, a year, whatever, you're in the most
amazing relationship. You're not stuck. You're actually like getting ready.
You're like exactly where you need to be. To be
so frustrated that you do something different, because I don't
(42:00):
want your listeners to keep trying harder at what already
is not working. Yea, that's that is a waste of time. Yeah,
that's insanity. You know the Einstein quote. And so what
if I'm not stuck? What if I just need to
actually take it seriously and get ready. Yeah, but if
it's a me problem, we just started to getting blaming
everyone else. What if it's actually me. I'm in control
(42:23):
of me. I can change everything that I want to
to be more of me, And you're empowered, you're not stuck.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
And with that statement, than what if it's me? It's like,
it doesn't doesn't negate that those guys that are not
showing up for you or whatever like that doesn't negate
that that's not an okay behavior. No, why do you
keep showing up for it? Is the question? Or why
do you keep ending up with the same type of guy?
Like that's the way it when you go what if
it's me, that's the stuff to start looking at.
Speaker 3 (42:51):
Yeah, my favorite line is just you know, we talked
about radical honesty. Yeah, I'm the common denominator in all
my failed relationship.
Speaker 2 (43:00):
It's the truth. It's a harsh truth, but it is
the truth.
Speaker 3 (43:04):
Right when I say that, people are like, ooh, busted,
hate love you? Right, But that's that's true, and that's
true for everything. You know, Like we can only change ourselves.
That's the power that we have. So how can we?
And it doesn't mean you're broken or flawed. It means that,
as I said at the beginning, there's these parts of
you that have been hurt and frustrated and damaged, and
(43:24):
you've lost your voice, and you've lost yourself earth and
you've lost so many things. Now it's time to like
gather that all back up and put that in fill
your cup and put that into dating and love yourself,
have a strategy and become rejection proof.
Speaker 2 (43:39):
Well, we mentioned the two books today that we were
talking about your Radical Living Challenge and how to find
a quality guy without going on two hundred dates. So
I'll put that in the description of the podcast for
you guys. If people want to work with you, Marnie,
where would they find you?
Speaker 3 (43:52):
They best go to Marniebattista dot com and it's M
A R and I be A T T I STA.
Or they can take my quiz, which is Decode your
Destinyquiz dot com, which will actually show you where you
are right now with your heartset and your mindset to
see what your destiny will be.
Speaker 2 (44:10):
That sounds like a really good place to start.
Speaker 3 (44:12):
Yeah, Decode your Destiny Quiz dot com.
Speaker 2 (44:15):
Okay, well, I'll put both of those in the description
of the podcast for you guys. Again, Thank you so much.
I loved this conversation so fun and I'm.
Speaker 3 (44:21):
So happy for you. Good, thank you, amazing.
Speaker 2 (44:25):
Thank you guys for listening.
Speaker 1 (44:27):
Thanks for listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,
where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a
little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty
and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.
Host
Kelly Henderson
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com