Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Look at this new hair. What did you say to me?
Speaker 2 (00:05):
It's it's business in the front, party in the front.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
So nothing in the a little bit.
Speaker 3 (00:10):
Yeah, I'm giving it cut a little shorter. Now I
feel like it looks a little more refined. And by
the time, like I feel like I need a haircut,
it's like where.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
It used to be.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
So I'm not hitting like that bad hair phase where
I'm like, I just want to shave it off, you know.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Yeah, No, it looks very nice. It is short on
the sides in the back, so that's why everything's happening
in the front.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Everything happens in the front.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Business in the front, party in the front. You come
up with that on your own, I did. I mean
it was accidental, but yeah, it sounds like your brain
how it works. Well, Hello everyone, Happy fourth of July.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Fourth of July. Fireworks, baby, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
It is fireworks, and baby you're a firework. You never
forget that.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Okay, sometimes I'm a plastic bag.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
But isn't you know, isn't there a cla about the
plastic belt bags spinning in the air?
Speaker 1 (01:05):
I think show them what your word?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
I'm trying to get to the plastic bag part. I'll
have to really listen to the lyrics to find out
when I feel. Yeah, anyway, I was telling you before
the podcast, this is now two months in a row
that i've I've gotten.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
The first lyric is wait, hold on, do you ever
feel like a plastic bag drifting.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Through the wind?
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Feel?
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Oh, that's what she's drifting through the wind? Okay, did
not know.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
To start again? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Wow, okay, mm hmmm. You know, we know the thing
with Katie Perry's music. I'm just gonna be real honest
right now, real fast. I've kind of been a hater,
if I'm being honest, And it's like the songs get
into your bones and before you all the lyrics, you're
singing along and that's just kind of like the name
of the game with that kind of stuff. I feel.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Yeah, it's it's great background music. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
Yeah, I met her one time. I've ever told you
this story. I was working on American Idol with Bobby
Ben's and he was a mentor, and so we would
go do all the like promotional stuff with all the
host of American Idol before and so we were at
this photo shoot and I had on my hot country
Night's fanny pack, which is what I keep like my
wardrobe supplies in, you know, like double stick tape, safety
(02:20):
mens clips, things like that. And she walked up to
me and complimented it. That's amazing, And I died because
I was like the hot Country Nights all over right now.
If they knew that Katy Perry is complimenting me on
my fanny pack.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
I mean the moment that Katy Perry is having right
and it's like she's like easily like the most made
fun of person on.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
The internet right now.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
I mean I kind of feel like she'd be a
great feature for a Country Nights song.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Oh my god, she'd be so good. She'd be so good.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
I don't know her personally, so I don't know if
she has a sense of humor about this shit or
if it really gets to her.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
Well, she's kind of going through it. I mean, she's
called off an engagement with Orleando Bloom.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
I thought they were married, to be honest, but I
knew that they were breaking up. Yeah, you just didn't
get it. I mean I've read that they were breaking up, but.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, she just can't get things right.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Well.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
I mean, I would love to look at her chart
and see what she's going through, because it does seem
like she's having a bit of a moment right now.
Mm hmm. Anyway, we digress a big time because Katie
Ferry was nowhere on my Bingo card for this conversation.
I was telling you before the podcast, this is the
second month in a row I've gotten into it with
(03:38):
Marv on the podcast. Like, in what world am I
fighting with my astrologer?
Speaker 2 (03:44):
I mean, I'd be worried that he'd fucking put a
hacks on me.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Well, I don't know. I mean honestly, like I'm probably
more witchy than him. He's more matter of fact about things.
But we keep getting into this debate, and I found
it to be such an interest seeing just situation that's happening.
So I leave our entire conversation in the podcast both
times I have because I think that it's like such
a good example of two people saying the same thing
(04:15):
essentially in different ways and not being able to feel
like seen or heard. I mean, this is more of
a me issue than a Marv thing. What that's bringing up,
and I think we all can relate to this example
and kind of it's what happens on a day to
day in our lives and we're not fully paying attention.
But it just so happened this month. I mean, obviously,
(04:37):
I think there's no mistakes. It totally worked with what's
happening astrologically. So if you guys want to hear that
and kind of understand some of the themes that you're
probably going to be bumping up against in this next
month of all the cancer energy, the Capricorn full moon,
go listen to my podcast with Marv and my debate
with Marv. I would call it. I guess he wasn't
really getting worked up at all, but we were both
(04:59):
kind of getting frustrated with each other. I just like
or just the fact that, like we could not get
to a resolve. You know, it wasn't really necessarily at
him or him getting frustrated with me. It was that
I think we were both saying things and going, oh,
why are you not getting what I'm saying? Right?
Speaker 2 (05:14):
You're not picking up what he's putting down in vices.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
It's funny too, because we obviously talked before the podcast
about what we're going to talk about a little bit,
and I said something to you earlier and.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
You're like, well, shit, that just made Marv make sense.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
It did.
Speaker 3 (05:29):
It did.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
The way that Chip worded something kind of made one
of the things that I've been debating about with Marv click.
And so we're having some disconnect in how we're wording things.
And you know, I'm such a big communicator and one
of my biggest I would say triggers because it's a
part of my chiron if anyone is familiar with the
(05:50):
astrology of that of just feeling understood, like feeling seen,
feeling heard, feeling understood. Those are big driving forces in
my life and it's something that I buck up against
a lot, and in relationships it's really shown its face.
But I think it's like a big theme for me.
But I think it's pretty common in everyone's life. And
(06:10):
I think most of us, especially if you've been in
any kind of long term relationship at you know, in
any capacity, probably have dealt with these kind of things
where it's like you just want them to get it
and you'll go round and around. And that is my
biggest thing. It's like, letting go of being understood is
hard for me because I just I'm like, no, maybe
(06:32):
if I just say it this other way they'll get it,
or maybe if I like take a beat and come
back to it, you know what I mean. It's like
that need to just be like, oh, this is what
she's saying or this is what he's saying, and then
you can kind of like connect on that level, right.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Right, me, I'm the same way, but not as communicative
because I'm so afraid of confrontation that like, I just
want people to get it and I hope that by
the way that I act, they'll pick up what I'm
putting down.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
And that just doesn't work, you know.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
All that leads to is breakups and frustration, which is
why I said here as a.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Nearly fifty year old man single.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
But to me, it's always like, is it so fucking
hard to be a good person or to show up fully?
And you know that's easy to think, but like, then
if I'm not communicating, am.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
I showing up fully?
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Right? You know? But it is It's like it is
a fear of confrontation for me that often leads to
the inability to communicate properly in the moment, which then
blows up in my face.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Right. And one of the things that Marvi and I
were talking about and I'll give you, guys the example
that had happened in my life as well. But one
of the things we were talking about is that there
are always are four human beings. There are often emotions
behind these actions that we're taking. Or see, this is
where I'm having a hard time right now. I'm going
(08:00):
a little blocked because the way Marv says it is
what doesn't make sense to me. But I'll say it
the way that I understand it, and maybe that will
make sense to you guys. But basically, like I think
that we go about life and we're bump we bump
up against certain situations and relationships and for a reason,
they are supposed to mirror the things inside of us.
(08:20):
Like we talk about triggers often on this podcast, right,
So they're supposed to trigger us because you know, in
the way that I believe life works, like, we're all
here to evolve. So if we never got triggered or
we never went through pain, right, we would never change
or grow or face the things that are going on
inside of us. And like what you're describing is you
go about life, you have these emotions that come up
(08:44):
or these thought processes that you attached to certain situations,
and you go, well, now, why don't they just get
it that way right? Why don't they just understand, and like,
I'm going, well, if I just communicate it in this way,
then they will. You know, we we both have our
like driving forces. But the reality is is every single
human being is going through this life operating from their lens,
(09:05):
from their wounds, from their past live karma, from their insecurities, from.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
All their experiences like the experiences. For those who don't.
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Believe in past lives and souls, you know, growing and
whatever like, then you would think that the belief would
be I can only operate off of the things that
I've experienced and learned. Yeah, so I can't see things
necessarily from your perspective, which it could be also very
true for a new soul.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
That's a true soul. Yes, yeah, so I mean, yeah,
we're saying the same things. But so basically I had
told Marv this story, And if you haven't listened to
the Wednesday podcast yet, I'll just fell you guys in. So,
I was at dinner with a friend last night who
is newly dating someone, and you know that new dating thing.
Everyone's trying to like figure everybody out and what's between
the lines? Then, yeah, how what do I text on this?
(09:55):
And so we were kind of in that place and
she got a tax from this guy that she's been
newly seeing, and it let her down. It was something
that she felt like he had said he would follow
through on that he didn't and he kind of like
changed his narrative and it was interesting and like you
knows that part of the story isn't as important as
kind of what happened after, because what happened after was
(10:17):
like all of a sudden, she kind of like froze up.
She got angry, she wanted to shut down, she wanted
to end the relationship. She wanted even though she doesn't, yeah,
a little bit reactive, like she just doesn't she doesn't
even know what it is yet. But she started attaching
all of these things to it. And it was a
really interesting experience that I had with her because we
(10:37):
were able to then kind of get to the driving
forces behind what was making her angry and all the things.
And yes, she did need to set some boundaries because
there was some things she needed to communicate about that
are really important to her, and so she was able
to do that. But then it was interesting because she
texted me this morning and she was like, I'm so
glad that we talked that through because it was my
(10:58):
insecurities driving me, like it really nothing to do with
what he did, but what it triggered in her was
all this emotional stuff. And so if she had just
operated from that place last night without giving it any thought,
she probably would have taken an action that wouldn't have
fully lined up with what she wanted or what she
(11:18):
felt today, but in that moment would have felt, you know,
veryly in line like so pissed and like I'm just
gonna react, I'm gonna shut it down. She probably would
have woke up this morning like, well, shit, I ended
that relationship and I really didn't want to that.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Yeah, And you told me you had actually seen another
meme that was similar, didn't you. Today.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
I saw someone posted today and I'm going to paraphrase
it because I can't. I can't remember who it was,
but it struck me, and it said something like, I
never get upset when someone's crying over the little things
because I know that it's about the moments that led
up to that, which is you know, it's it's a
really interesting observation because I know for me, I mean,
I used to be much more of a crier when
(11:59):
I was a little bit, but I'm not much of
a crier now. But I know if I get to
that point, it is rarely unless it's like we're talking
about like the death of a dog or a family
member or someone you love.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
But like if I'm crying out of frustration, it.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Is very rarely that it's like that was bound to
happen because I've let the other things sort of pile up,
and you know, it's hard for me to believe that,
you know, really anyone cries over spilt milk.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
You know, it's not what it's about.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
It makes me think about the meme that talks about
couples always fight about dishes, you know, like how you
load the dishwasher for instance. I mean, I can't tell
you the amount of times I've been in a fight
about that with ex's of mine.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
But folding the laundry, they're right, folding.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
The laundry, Like, but it's never really about that, right,
Like it's never really about the way you load the dishwasher.
It's never really about the laundry. It's what what them
not doing? It in the way you asked or you
see communicates to you deep down, which is typically something
that has nothing to do with that current person. It's
an old narrative that somehow has like stayed in your
(13:06):
brain or your body or hasn't been resolved in you.
And like maybe they load the dishwasher away that you
ask them not to, and you think, oh, these dishes.
It makes you mad about the dishes, but really it's like,
oh no, it's saying to me that I don't matter
to them, which is what you do in therapy, if
you have a good therapist, is break down the like
behind the scenes thing going on at all times. And
(13:27):
that's what I was trying to talk about with Marv,
and he was saying it in a way that I
was like, but if we didn't have those things, like
we didn't have those emotions that could communicate the things
happening inside of us going on, or we didn't pay
attention to them, how would we ever grow, Like, how
would we ever do that? I don't know, So that's
(13:48):
kind of like a side point. But to what you
were saying, it's kind of like, well, maybe I just
never think about that though, And so I'm just operating
on these like it's about the dishes. Well.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
I also because I'm non confrontational, it's like, as little
things happen, I don't address them, okay, and then those
little things do they become like a big thing. And
it could be the dishes where maybe I have said, hey,
I hate that, and then then I'm keeping score when
it happens again, and rather than addressing it the next
(14:19):
time and be like, hey, remember I said I hate that,
Like yeah, then it's like, okay, you're not listening, and
now you don't you hate me. And it's all of
the things like I had in a past relationship where
I would come home and he would have done laundry
and folded his own and mine would be sitting in
a pile, and I never said anything about it until
finally it annoyed me so much that I did. And
(14:42):
apparently it was because I had said something about not
liking the way that he folded my clothes.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
Sure, so he just stopped folding my clothes.
Speaker 3 (14:50):
Yeah, rather than it being like a conversation like, well,
how do you want them folded, or him being like, hey,
if you don't like how I fold them, I'm just
gonna set them aside and let you do it.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
That would have solved the whole thing.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
Yeah, Instead, it was like it felt like this like
passive aggressive thing. I didn't remember saying. I don't even
know if I ever communicated that I didn't like how
he folded. He probably saw me like refold something, you know,
and then it was in his mind I didn't like
how he folded. But whatever, that little thing blew up
one day into this like massive argument that was about
(15:25):
so much. The truth is is like the relationship wasn't
working at that point anyway, But it was a lot
easier to fight about the folded clothes or the not
folded clothes than it was to like actually deal with
the problem in hand well because it had so much.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
More to under road.
Speaker 1 (15:41):
Yes, And I always think it's so interesting because we
can all case build against each other. Right, So it's like,
in that situation, you said the relationship wasn't already working,
and I don't know which relationship you're talking about, so
I don't really know exactly why. But like, let's say,
for instance, you thought he didn't care about your needs,
or or you were like he's lazy, and so you
(16:03):
would walk in and see those clothes piles or whatever,
and his is folded in, yours not, and you could
immediately start attaching it to the narratives in your head
about what that would mean. And that was what was
happening to our friend last night. And the second she
started saying, well, he obviously thinks blah blah blah about me,
I was like, WHOA. It was wild to see where
(16:24):
her brain went, because as a person that had been
sitting in the situation experiencing it with her, that those
thoughts never crossed my mind, right, So it just goes
to show that it was really truly about something inside
of her, right, Not that she didn't need to like
set boundaries or communicate with him about that situation. But
I just think it's so fascinating to think about, like,
(16:45):
when we're triggered, what is one.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Of bind me? Yeah, And you know, I wonder why
it is.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
I mean, I don't know that this is true for everyone.
It's certainly true for me. Why isn't it the normal
reaction just to be like, excuse, like can you clarify
what you're saying there?
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Rather than like let your brain just jump to all.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
These conclusions and be like, well, this is you know,
in her words, he obviously blah blah blah, well not
so much, like rather than get worked up, like take
a minute and then be like, hey, can you clarify this?
Like and obviously I don't know the conversation, so I
don't know exactly how I would recommend that she responds,
but I do think it's often better to ask for
(17:30):
clarification than to make it.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Absolutely, I will say that has been the biggest difference
in this relationship for me than in past relationships, because
when I find myself get triggered, Thankfully, I've had enough
practice now with that, or I've sat, I've gotten comfortable with,
(17:54):
you know, what's going on inside of me being about
me more. And so when something will happened like with
my boyfriend. Now, let's I'm trying to think of an example.
I don't know, but I can just keep it general.
He'll say something, and I can say now really quickly,
like it took me a longer time at first to
kind of process through it and get to this, and
now it's just like it's in me to do. But
(18:15):
I'll say, okay, well, when you say that to me,
I'm trying to it's harder without say an example. Okay,
let me give I'll do the dishes again when you
let the dishwasser. No, that doesn't work. Shit, sorry'all. I'm
trying to think of an example. But basically I just
will say to him, like, hey, when you say that,
this is what I because it went against what you
(18:36):
said earlier, Like the story in my head is that
it means X, Y and Z, and it so often
He comes back immediately like, oh my god. Really that's
where like he's so shocked that I could even be
thinking that because it's so not his intention, but because
I've communicated it in a calm way, and then I
also am not saying it in an accusatory way. It's
(18:58):
just sort of like, hey, this is how that like
landing for me? Is this true? Is very gentle about it,
and like, no, oh my god, I can see where
you would say that based on how you just explained it,
but like, here's what is actually happening, right, and so
we're able to communicateate about it easily. The amount of
fights that that eliminates is wild, right, Like cause if I.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Exactly that, I would say something in the moment the
next day it comes up and you'd be like, yeah,
you'd be resentful, you might say something snarky that then
he doesn't understand, yes, and then it just comes to
a head.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
And it helps it helps us get to the place
of like, even before I'm having to say that he
kind of knows the certain things that I that are
deep within me, or that my triggers now and on
those kind of things, and so with certain topics, he
knows how to like tread differently a little bit, you know,
and vice versa me with him, like I know certain
(19:52):
things that he's sensitive about. It's just like opened up
a whole new world. But what was happening with Marv
is I was like, really it was very intriguing to
me because I was thinking, oh, this is just so interesting.
Marvi and I are wired literally if you look at
our astrology to keep it on australogy, we're wired so opposite.
And so it was such an interesting process because I
(20:13):
was thinking, oh, we're actually saying the same thing, but
like I'm wanting him to understand it in the way
that I'm saying it and he isn't. It was frustrating
me and I was thinking my listeners aren't going to
understand this and whatever. And actually, who knows, they may
understand what he's saying, or they may understand what I'm saying,
but we're saying the same thing. And it was just
(20:35):
so interesting to process that with someone in that realm,
you know.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
And I'm just did you did you come to that
on in your discussion or is it?
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Yeah? I mean I told him, I was like, I'm
actively frustrated though, right talking about the ego of the emotion,
and I was like, that's fine. I just I'm not
going to like I'm not going to fight it or
like that is fine if my ego got triggered into
like neededing to explain. That's often what happens to me
when I get triggered, is I just over explain because
(21:07):
I'm trying to get to the place of us understanding
each other, you know. And so I had to accept, Okay,
what's happening to me now is this like deep need
to feel understood, and that is within me, so I
can let it go. Do I agree? No, not necessarily,
like he and I are just going to have to
agree to disagree on the way that's worded, right.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
And often like what we say and what we mean
are very different things because we're limited in our capacity
with words, you know, Like sometimes we're trying to say
exactly the same thing but are incapable of doing it.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Yeah, which can be really frustrating in the moment.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
But I think you know, whether it's in friendships, you know,
romantic relationships, whatever, Knowing that the intention behind what you're
saying is pure and kind is important, and that takes
constant communication. You know, like even if you know you're
putting on a dress and you say to your boyfriend, like,
what do you think and he likes the other one better?
(22:06):
You know, if you're showing two different dresses and you're like,
what do you think I'm fat? Or something like you
take it the wrong way and he's like, no, I
just like that one better.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Like the green dress better.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
Yeah, but it can be it can be explosive if
you're not communicating constantly and properly well.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
And I think it's another example of how important it
is for us to be attuned into our own journeys
in this life, and our own soul, like and our
own drivers, our own emotions. I think it's like so
fascinating that for so much of my life that wasn't discussed.
And looking around me the examples of adults, humans, all relationships, whatever,
(22:48):
I didn't see a lot of people. This isn't true.
Let me rephrase that, because I think the greatest gift
my parents gave me was that they did start to
look at that within themselves, and I watched them change,
I watched their relationship change, and that set me up
to really start being really curious about human beings. And like,
(23:09):
looking around me, I did not see a lot of
what's the word awareness necessarily, And so it just feels
like as humans in this world as it's currently set up,
we're often just reacting, all of us at all times.
And I think you can see it even on its
massive scale right now politically, Like we've talked about that
(23:30):
a lot on the podcast. There's so much just reaction,
and it's because we're all triggered into our fear constantly
right now, you know, And so we're operating from this
place of that versus actually trying to hear anybody or
hear everybody, or discuss or hold space for more than
one opinion. And like it's just a fascinating thing to
(23:50):
really start breaking down when you really look at it.
So it's just like an interesting topic to me to
think about what would happen if we all got to
this place of awareness within ourselves and we're willing to
actually ask ourselves the tough questions when we're having those
big emotional moments of wait, what is this bringing up
in me? And is that what's actually happening here? Is
(24:12):
that true? Or is there something I need to communicate about?
Or am I angry? Like has a boundary been crossed?
And do I just need to set a boundary versus
like go so black and white and in the relationship,
Like just asking those questions, what would that change?
Speaker 3 (24:26):
Well, I mean it's not to make an excuse for it,
but I think if you look back just to our
evolutionist humans, like the most core part of our evolutionist
fight or flight surviving, and yeah, that is the way
that we survive. So it's like, if you take those
words at face value, whenever you react to something, you're
either going to fight or you're going to get the
(24:48):
fuck out of there. Yeah, and it doesn't like those reactions.
Somewhere in between is the like pause and understand, and
that's not part of our evolution andy DNA. You know,
like because you know we've if you go from caveman
to modern day human, we have a lot more words,
(25:10):
we have a lot more understanding of everything, but we
still have that core animal inside of us that was
the caveman that had to fight.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
Or flight and true.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
So it's I think in some ways we have to
understand that in ourselves, but we also have to understand
that in other people, because otherwise it's just going to
be You're always going to not understand each other.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
So interestingly enough, as you were just saying that that
whole explanation, I realized one of the things that I
was getting triggered to with Marv is that he was
saying that we should react from our feeling. And then
like immediately within me that triggered. I did not want
to put that out publicly because of some couple situations
(25:57):
that I've had in the past and toxic relationship, and
people will use the excuse of well, I was just react,
you know, my gut just said or whatever, and I'm like,
you're literally projecting. They were projecting the whole situations that
let me think of how to say this, Like I've
been in two situations and relationships where I was blamed
(26:19):
for stuff that wasn't true, but because that person had
not dealt with their inner turmoil or whatever, they believed
that to be a fact. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (26:30):
Like right?
Speaker 1 (26:31):
But it's like it had been. It's a projection, projection,
And so I was having a really hard time with
what he was saying, being like to operate from our
feelings that change moment to moment, I'm going, well, if
they change moments a moment, how is that an accurate
thing to be reacting from. Like if we're doing that,
we're all gonna be just reacting from our inner turmoil
(26:51):
that's unsolved at all times. Like talk about fucking chaos,
you know.
Speaker 3 (26:55):
And think about like if the person on the other
end is a pathological liar or just like lies a lot,
sure they are going to expect everyone to be a liar,
so their gut is not trustworthy.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
Right, you know what I'm like, But it's and there's
just so many layers to it, and so I think,
like what was so frustrating is like I'm going, well,
I've been in these two abusive situations that if those
people heard this or people like that heard this, I
don't want that to get twisted because I don't believe
that that's true that we should just be and we're
(27:29):
using he and I are using feelings in different ways,
and so that's one of the big disconnects. But I'm like,
I personally don't think that we should just be like
free flowing out with actions based on the feelings of
the moment to moment without like asking ourselves the questions
you and I are talking about right now, like really
kind of going, is that what this person meant to do?
(27:52):
Is that what they were actually saying asking the question,
Here's what I'm hearing, and that's what this means to me, Like,
those are all really important, and if those are left out,
I don't think that it's fair that you would go, well,
that was just what my gut said or whatever. I'm like, right, whatever,
my gut says a lot of things, and I need
to sit with it for a second and check it
(28:12):
out first. And yes, sometimes it is very wildly accurate.
Most of the time it is now, but that's taken
me a lot of work to get through some of
the emotions. And even the thing I just explained to
you was me having an emotional trigger, like that's why
it was so important for me to get a clear
message out about that, because of past experiences. And I'm like,
(28:35):
we're just going to validate what this toxic person has
said or whatever.
Speaker 3 (28:39):
Anyway, I'm going to see my family this week. It's
fourth of July, and right, I'm very different from my parents,
and it's you know, I think I'm on older soul
that came into this world little more refined than them.
(29:01):
And I think that's the way that evolution works, is
you have to have older souls that pull newer souls
or teach.
Speaker 2 (29:08):
Them or whatever.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
And I know, at the core of it all, my
mother loves me more than anything in the world, but
there is no one on earth who will say things
that piss me off more than her. But I also
know it's because we're so different and that she sometimes
can't relate. She doesn't we don't have the same life
experiences at all, and she'll say something even out of
(29:32):
like pure love, and just the way she phrases it
makes me angry, and then I don't.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Want to talk to her.
Speaker 3 (29:39):
But rather than like, rather than like figuring out how
to be like, hey, mom, I know that you're like
just having the hard conversation with her because you know,
some of it is about my sexuality, and like her
not understanding the Like she'll ask me if I have
a friend, and I'm just like, you can say boyfriend,
like fucking say it, say it right now.
Speaker 1 (29:59):
It's probably and validating to you. And then it hurts.
It might hurt because you're like, I just want to
feel a part of and I.
Speaker 3 (30:06):
Want to feel normal, Like make me feel normal. That's
all I'm asking for. Yeah, but it's not in her
vocabulary because she just it's it is normal to me,
it's not normal to her. So it's like we have
to have these awkward moments that then push her to evolve,
because she's.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
Also seventy nine years old, Like.
Speaker 3 (30:26):
There is a lot of programming there that I have
to sort of unravel. And I do know, you know,
there have been moments in her life and in my
life where she has said things that have surprised me.
So the evolution, it's slow, it's not always going to
be at the pace that we wanted to happen. But
at the same time, I know in her core that
she would fucking kill somebody for me.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
You know, absolutely, yeah, but it.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Is just about words sometimes and how they get mixed up.
So I think the whole I bring it up because
the gut thing is like I know in my gut
how she feels about me, but sometimes I lit my
head and my feelings get the best of me because
I want something different or I want her to do
(31:08):
something or say something different, even though I know what.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
She meant, of course, But what you're explaining is perfect.
And I think family is like an even deeper example,
because often you know, if we're in a dating relationship,
the relationship ends if you can't get to that place
of like understanding each other, whereas your family is like
your family. And I mean, obviously you can end those
relationships and not have a relationship with family, but like
often you're in situations like what you're describing, where it's
(31:36):
there's just a disconnect, and like as much as you
want to have a relationship whatever, y'all may never fully
understand each other in that capacity. And so there is
a really big, I think important thing for all of
us to look at, Like what you're saying, what is
the intention is this person? Like one of the things
(31:56):
I always think about when I have a miscommunication with
my boyfriend is like I know he does not want
to hurt me, And when I go in with that
mentality first, it makes conversations so much easier because, like
you said, like we all operate from such a survival
place so often that like if I think I'm in
harm's way, that's when the real dukes come out, you know,
Like that's when I'm really gonna start fighting. But if
(32:18):
I go in and I'm like, he doesn't want to
hurt me, so like how do we and like he
knows that about me, like I'm never trying to hurt
him intentionally, and that lowers the guard so then we
can actually have a conversation to get to better understanding
with each other. So I think it's really important to
know the person's intentions and like trust that and hopefully
(32:39):
you have people in your life that you would feel
that way to where you're like they love me. I
know my mom loves me. This is a disconnect we have,
so like where can I give grace? And then where
can I ask for like specific things of what I need? Right?
Speaker 3 (32:52):
Yeah, I think sometimes in those moments it feels overwhelming
because you make it about everything, like you're of course
the way that you're gut reacts like you make it
about everything, and it's like to bring it back to
the beginning of this conversation.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
Of course it has to do with.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
The entire path, But in that moment, it's not about
what she said. It's about the everything and like the
feelings of difference and.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
But again feeling dismissed, feeling like.
Speaker 3 (33:21):
You're not You have to look at the intention and
I look, when you, especially in a new relationship like
our friend that you were with last night, like everything
is so much more heightened because if you if you're
really in it and you want it to work, the
idea of it not working is terrifying.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
That makes you feel vulnerable. It makes you so vulnerable,
you feel vulnerable. I think that it like exacerbates all
the things we're talking about. So when you're in a
new relationship and you don't know if they like you,
like you like them, that's the hardest time.
Speaker 2 (33:57):
And you don't know their communication style.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
Clearly, Oh, you're still learning each other. That's what I
ended up saying to her. I was like, truthfully, this
is like a really good situation that happened because you're
just getting more information, Like you're still in that stage
of dating, Like it's you guys are not even boyfriend
and girlfriend yet, you know, so you're still learning each
other on a whole new level. And this is a
good experience of you learning you too.
Speaker 3 (34:21):
Like you have to ask yourself, why am I reacting
this way? Is it because I want to be mad?
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Or is it because I like him or her and
I feel vulnerable?
Speaker 1 (34:28):
Yeah, which is I think often what it is at
that stage of dating, at the beginning, it is for
me at least. So anyway, you mentioned the family thing,
and I thought, oh, wow, well this is coming out
on fourth of July. So there's two things that happened
on the fourth of July. Often you see your family
and there's often alcohol. So like it seems like, yeah,
we're kind of talking about this maybe in the exact
(34:49):
perfect time because those things could be heightened this weekend.
So it's like a really good time to actually if
you can take the time and reflect while you're watching fireworks,
you get really pissed off, like maybe take a beat,
especially if you've been drinking, right, Like that is always
a thing that like really heightens the reactiveness in everybody.
I think.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
I know that I'm gonna have to go into this
week because I'm gonna be with my.
Speaker 2 (35:15):
Family for over a week. I'm gonna have to go
in with this lesson. It's funny. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
I'd be curious if any of the listeners have the
same experience. But I get really really excited to see
my family, and I do things like plan to be
with them for ten days, and three.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Hours into them, I'm like ready to go home.
Speaker 3 (35:33):
And you know, I think this is a good lesson
and conversation for me to have because I can go
into it being like, what is it about me that
is making me feel that way? Because it's not about them,
you know, it's never about them, it's about me.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
So and it's probably just like me.
Speaker 3 (35:51):
You know, I live alone, Like I have the comfort
of like coming and going as I want. I don't
have to talk to anybody unless I get on the phone.
Speaker 2 (35:58):
I'm choosing to do it.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
And all of that sort of gets thrown out of
the window when I'm suddenly in a space that's crowded
with a loud television. It's a million degrees. They don't
know anything about anything that's relevant to me anymore.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
Right, So, well, you're bringing up another good point though,
And this kind of came up with our friend. I
was telling Marv about this too, because you know, they
talk about anger as a secondary emotion actually, like it's
not really one of the primary emotions. Usually there's anger
and then there's something underneath anger, and our anger is
like to protect us or whatever, and it's to show
(36:32):
us when a boundary's been crossed. So I think about
it with family, this is another thing my parents taught me.
But they would do seventy two hours max with their
families for a long time. I think then it got
to cut down to forty eight hours, and it really
they were I mean, we could say it was about
the family, but really my parents would come at it
from a place of I know that I can operate
(36:54):
on good behavior and not be reactive during that. Yeah,
do anything for forty eight hours, right, or like when
it was seventy two hours, Okay, that's three days, So
I can do three days in this situation and be
kind and generous and like not reactive. But it would
always they would give themselves grades like ABCDF, you know,
(37:17):
so they were like, I can stay in an a
typically if I do that amount of time, if I
start going further than that, like if I can get
out with a C, I'm doing well, like cause it's
just like you know, you're just kind.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
Of light approach.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
Yeah. But so another thing I'm thinking as you say
this is like you're going for ten days. That's obviously
like a long time. But what do you need to
set yourself up to win in that scenario? Like how
do you take space for yourself? Is it going on walks?
Is it like just setting yourself up to know that
is a lot of time and you're just different than
your family, and so like inevitably there will be the
(37:52):
things right Yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (37:54):
And I also think too, like if I can go
in with the mindset that like, look, my parents are,
they are in the sunset of their lives there eighty.
My mom will turn eighty while I'm there, How fucking
lucky am I that I'm fifty years old and get to.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
Have my parents. I have both my parents who have
been married for a long time.
Speaker 3 (38:12):
They're not divorced, Like I get to spend ten days
with them, And it's not that I have to, It's
that I get to and I have to remind myself
of that.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
You can take what you like and leave the rest.
Yeah yeahuck, get made fun of us saying that all
the time, but it is such a good one because
it's just like good. There's nothing really in this life
probably that we like all the way as a whole,
because every human being is so different and we have
our own sets of needs and all those things. But again,
it goes back to us being in tune with ourselves
(38:40):
to know what we need and like, yeah, know how
to communicate, really check in with ourselves, communicate with ourselves,
and then check yourself when you get triggered, like do
the questions now. I'm like really interested to have you
report back in after.
Speaker 3 (38:54):
I should maybe take a journal just to like specifically
to this and say if I can look back on
week and be like, oh.
Speaker 1 (39:01):
Okay, yeah, because you're going into the trenches ten days.
Speaker 2 (39:05):
A lot time, it's a long time.
Speaker 1 (39:08):
Well, I feel like a lot of people are probably
doing the same because it's summer. It's fourth of July.
Like we said, So if you guys have similar stories
or experiences or you have tricks that you use in
these kind of scenarios in relationships in life, when you
get triggered how you're checking in with yourself and how
you're using it like for a growth opportunity and not
necessarily always to just like lose your shit on people
(39:31):
or whatever. Just email us at the Edge at velvetsedge
dot com. You can also hit me up on Instagram.
I'm at Velvet's Edge.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
Chip, I'm at chipdoor. Shoulds chrp d r scch.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Don't forget. We now are starting a ve podcast Instagram
as well, so we'll be having I haven't started posting
on it yet, but we are setting it up so
we're gonna have all kinds of videos and takeaways for
you guys. It's gonna be really cool. So go follow
that at Velvet's Edge podcast on inti Instagram. And as
you guys go into the weekend and you're living on
(40:03):
the edge, I hope you always remember too a casual
and check us out on YouTube tube. We have so
many things now anyway, Bye bye,