You may know Lauren Sisler as the Emmy Award-winning ESPN sideline reporter with the signature sideline shimmy — but what you might not know is the heartbreaking story behind her smile.
At just 18 years old, Lauren lost both of her parents to a hidden opioid addiction… on the same day. In this episode, Lauren opens up about the shame, silence, and grief she carried for years — and how she slowly found her voice, her purpose, and the power of falling in love with her story.
We talk about what shame really looks like for children of addicts, how addiction affects the whole family, and how Lauren turned her most painful experience into a mission to help others own their stories, too.
This conversation is raw, honest, and incredibly inspiring reminder that even in the darkest moments, healing is possible.
Check out Lauren's website: laurensisler.com
Follow Lauren on Instagram: @laurensisler
HOST: Kelly Henderson // @velvetsedge // velvetsedge.com
Follow Velvet's Edge on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/velvetsedge/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's the Velvet's
Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Many of you who are college football fans will know
Lauren Sissler from her Emmy Award winning sideline reporting for ESPN,
but behind the end zones the interviews, and her viral
sideline Shimmy, which I want to talk about. By the way,
there was a secret she was carrying. In her new book, Shatterproof,
How I overcame the shame of losing my parents to
opioid addiction and found my sideline Shimmy. Lauren courageously shares
(00:35):
her journey through grief, shock and shame and how she
found the strength to confront and redeem her tragedy. So
that is what we're here to talk about.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Hi, Lauren, Hello Kelly.
Speaker 4 (00:45):
How are you today?
Speaker 3 (00:46):
I am good.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
You sound like you've had a busy day. We were
just talking about You're doing a lot of interviews for
this book. How's it been going.
Speaker 4 (00:53):
Yeah, it's been going good. Running a million miles a minute,
it feels like doing a lot of interviews and I'm
doing a lot of public speaking. You know, the million
dollar question is always like what do you do? In
the off season because my primary season is college football.
I do some college gymnastics as well. I covered gymnastics,
and I've got a couple of meets sprinkled throughout the season,
but for the most part, my on season is September
(01:15):
through December. But I'm like, I don't know how I
do it. I manage it, but I literally stay busier
in my.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Off season I'm doing I'm just like, what am I doing?
Speaker 4 (01:25):
You know? But it's all good. It's good. It's been great,
and I just love that I've had the opportunity to
spread the word, spread the message, and love getting to
chat with you today.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Well, I'm really excited to hear about your story. It's
a lot there's a lot of resilience. I hear even
in the title of your book. I mean, I think
specifically even the title is kind of shocking to hear.
Can you talk us through what happened in that part
of your story and what happened with the death of
your parents.
Speaker 4 (01:51):
Yes, so just you know, a wild and crazy journey
and one that came with a lot of shock. So
the word shame obviously resonates, and a lot of that
is because my parents died of prescription drug overdoses. But
it was something that literally came as such a shock
to our family. And I think that that's the hardest
thing that when we are walking in this journey with
(02:12):
addiction and dealing with you know, our loved ones that
are that are that are struggling with substance use, there's
such a label attached to it. And I think for
me that really carried me through life for many many
years because we grow up society tells us what an
addict is, and you know, my parents were happy, loving
(02:33):
people that went to work and were educated and fun
loving and all the things that society tells you that
an addict isn't. But that's where we have to rip
off those labels and realize is that we can all
be impacted by addiction, and we all are touched by
it in some way, you know, whether it's you know,
a close loved one, whether you the individual are struggling
(02:54):
with it, or somebody in your network. And so you know,
for me, the shock of it all was when I
got the call for my dad. I was a freshman
at Rutgers, living my dream college gymnast on scholarship, doing
life as scripted or at least as I thought was scripted.
And I get the call from my dad one evening
my second semester to let me know my mom died.
(03:15):
And really it came as a complete shock, Kelly, because
I had just talked to my parents hours before, literally
just hung up the phone with them a few hours before.
Everything seemed fine. My mom forty five, my dad fifty two,
and you know, we were just doing life and I
was starting this new chapter with the college career, and
everything was going well. I'd just seen my parents in February,
(03:36):
and it just what do you mean? Mom died? And
he said, look, I need you to get on the
next plane you can, and I'll be at the airport
to pick you up. And unfortunately he never did show up,
and instead it was my uncle and my cousin who
had to deliver the news that he too had passed away.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Did you have any inkling that there was any sort
of addiction problem when you look back where you're looking thinking, okay,
that there was that or there was this. I mean,
I know you were only eighteen, so how much were
you like aware of I think.
Speaker 4 (04:03):
That's where we're really good at kind of seeing through
things or past things right, because I do think this
addiction was kind of somewhat in focus.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (04:14):
I think my parents did a great job though of
hiding it right. And so, you know, I think that
when things kind of started for them, they were going
to a pay management doctor in my hometown of Run, Virginia.
My dad had chronic back pain and he was also
in the military, you know, had some issues with some PTSD,
some depression, and then my mom had degenerative dis disease.
(04:34):
And so they're going to this pay management doctor taking
medications as prescribed. So when you open up the pill
cabinet and you see a mountain of narcotics, you see
their name on it, you don't think anything of it.
You think, well, this is prescribed by a doctor, so
you just kind of look past it. Really and you know, again,
(04:56):
my parents are really good at making things seem fine, fine,
everything's fine, Everything's fine. And I think that I just
kind of lived in a little bit of that la
la land because I thought that what my parents were
saying was true, and you know, I wanted to believe
that my parents had it all figured out. Sure, I
put them on a pedestal. They were mine and my
(05:18):
brother's biggest supporters. They cheered us on through everything held
our hand, made sure we had everything we needed to succeed.
But little did I know underneath it all, you know,
they were struggling with the addiction, and then not only that,
but financial disarray. I mean, the finances within our home
were just a total disaster, and really there was nothing
left when they passed away. I mean, there was no will,
(05:40):
the cars were repossessed, the house went into foreclosure. We
were left with absolutely nothing. And looking back, you know,
I kind of see things here and there that I'm like, oh, well,
that could have been a red flag. That could have
been a red flag. But when you're in the throes
of it, and when you have the two people that
literally love you through everything, you just kind of don't
have questions, Like you just they said it's fine, Okay,
(06:02):
it's fine, and then you just keep moving.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
I love that you're bringing attention to the fact that
addiction doesn't always look the way that we've been told
it looks, because I think so often when you associate
someone like an addict, you would think, Okay, they're living
on the streets, they look all ragged. But what you're
describing to me is two very functioning, seeming parents who
(06:27):
still were loving, still showed up for you guys. I mean,
I know there was the financial issues behind the scenes,
but there wasn't this like outward expression of this addiction.
Is that something that you've become big into talking about
now that you've realized that this was like this underlying
thing happening in your life, Like I see that all
the time, and I'm assuming you do too, right.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
Yeah, absolutely, And I think that is one thing because
I think in life, what I've realized is we love
to throw labels on people, right right, might as well
get a SHARPI out right on your forehead. And not
only do we do that to others, I feel like
we do it to ourselves. Let's let's be real, like
the impostor syndrome is real. And I mean I find
(07:10):
myself doing it all the time, like throwing labels at myself,
and I'm like, wait a sec like come on, And
I think that that is what unfortunately, with the way
society kind of deems, you know, we put people in buckets,
we put people in different arenas, and we say, well,
that's not something I would ever deal with or go through.
And I think that's where we really have to kind
(07:32):
of like realize that, you know, we love to we
love to create a social norm, but let's be real,
like there is no norm, and really, in reality, when
you when you piece it all together, we are all
dealing with this thing of whether it's substance use, whether
it's an addiction of food, gambling, pornography, like there's a
(07:53):
million things that we are gripped towards. And then not
to mention with the way we do social media, the
comparison game. We're always looking at everybody's highlights, but what
we don't take a moment to realize is that like
those highlights are the best of someone, we're not always
seeing what's happening behind the scenes at people's lowest moments.
(08:16):
And so, you know, we just really have to rip
off those labels and realize that we are all human,
we are all flawed, We are all trying to figure
this out. And I love to say like we are
a work in progress. Every single day. Nobody's got it
truly figured out. And we're always striving for something else,
striving for that next thing, whether it's a goal or
(08:39):
whatever is is kind of next in line, and you know.
That's my hope is that we can just recognize like
nobody's exempt from life's difficult circumstances, and every single person
has the ability to go down a dark road but
also has the ability to come to the other side
of light through hope.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
So you obviously put the word shame in You're tied. Oh,
so this was a big piece of your journey, and
I find it so interesting. I mean, I've told you
before the podcast, I come from an alcoholic family as well,
and so I identified with so much of your story
and just the word shame in general was so perfect
for me because what people don't understand about coming from
(09:17):
a family system with addiction is everyone's a part of it,
and so whatever that manifests like for you might be different,
but for me, shame and just wanting my family to
be like everyone else's was such a big unlearning for me.
So can you talk about what shame looked like in
your life and why that was such a big word
(09:38):
for you, Like it was in the title of your book,
So why was that so important for you to talk about?
Speaker 4 (09:43):
Yeah, I mean, shame is something that ooh, it'll get
its claws in you and you kind of mentioned the
alcohol piece of it. So my dad was an alcoholic
and it was something I knew, but like ten year
old me, like didn't really know, like what you is
that right?
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Right?
Speaker 4 (09:56):
As a gymnast, like my competitive spirit in me, he
was like compartmentalize, put it on a shelf, forget about it,
move on. And that was always kind of how I
did things. So when my dad would relapse, you know,
and a lot of times it was on special occasions,
maybe his birthday when you know, he lost his mom,
you know, different things would always kind of spark up
for him and kind of trigger trigger the relapses. And again,
(10:20):
I just felt like I always did a good job
of like, all right, it's temporary, we're moving on. And
then underneath it all, even though I was so good
at compartmentalizing, shame was always there. And I'll tell you why,
because I remember as the ten year old, you know,
being out playing in the backyard, jumping on the trampoline
and my friend, my friend Ellie, my best friend growing up,
(10:41):
would call me and say, hey, you know, let's play,
let's get together. I'm gonna you know, I want to
come to your house. Let's jump on the trampoline. And
I remember in those times when my father was drinking
that because it would usually be a couple of days,
like you know, he'd go on these like vendors, and
his personality would always shift, and I would be like, oh,
I said, well, why don't come play your house? So
I would. I would do everything I could to avoid
(11:03):
because I didn't want her coming to my house and
seeing my dad, or potentially the eruption of a fight
between him and my mom because he was drinking. Like
I did everything I could just stay away from it.
And so even though I did a great job of compartmentalizing,
I don't even remember when I would be in gymnastics
practice and he would walk into the gym and my dad.
(11:25):
Usually my mom was the one taking me to and
front practice, but every once in a while, you know,
my dad, coming from work or whatever, would pick me up.
And it was interesting because.
Speaker 5 (11:33):
I could almost immediately tell if he was sober or
if he had been drinking, just like he didn't even
have to open his mouth, just when he would walk
into the gym, I could.
Speaker 4 (11:46):
Just see, just just see it on his face. You know,
you talk about that shame piece. Even though as a
young child. I did a lot to kind of like
escape it. It was always there in the back of
my mind. And it's amazing that things will tell ourselves
and tell other people to try to avoid the things
(12:07):
that we feel are shameful, the hiding, hiding.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Yeah, I was reading on your website you said I
lost my voice when a shame shattered my heart, and
I thought that was such an interesting connection to think
about the way that shame stifles us in our life.
(12:34):
Can you talk about that a little bit, like did
it expand for you once your parents passed away and
because of the nature of how they died, did your
shame get worse? Did it like stifle you more after that?
Or was this, like you said, a consistent thing throughout
your life?
Speaker 4 (12:50):
You know it absolutely, I mean it shut me down
because here's the thing, I think for so many years,
especially in the wake of my parents passing, I went
back to Rutgers, I had all the love and support,
we love you, we're here for you, and it really
was just this constant like you're so strong, you're a fighter,
you're a lawyer, you're an overcomer, and literally I feel like,
(13:11):
you know, like I'm being told like you're so strong.
I admire you, I look up to you. I felt
like I had to be that person of admiration. And
now all of a sudden, like I couldn't come out
and say what was happening behind closed doors. I couldn't
come out and say what I maybe thought to be
true that my parents were strong on with addiction. So literally,
I like told these stories when people would ask, well,
(13:34):
what happened to your parents, I literally came up with
the sugarcoated story of mom died of respiratory failure, Dad
died of a heart attack. Literally, those words came out
of my mouth so many times that like in my
heart of hearts, in my belief system, that my mom
and dad were not anywhere remotely attached to and or
(13:54):
touching addiction in any way, shape or form there was,
I just couldn't. I couldn't use the word overdose or
addiction in the same time sentence with both my parents.
It was just like new way, And I think you
can tell yourself those things so much, and so that
shame just got even deeper and deeper and deeper. And
now standing on the other side of it, I can
now see why my parents were so fearful and so
(14:18):
ashamed and so afraid to speak up about what they
were going through. And I feel sadness for them and
that thought that they didn't have the courage to speak
up because of the fear of the judgment and what's
going to come on the other side. How are we
(14:39):
going to be judged? What are people going to think?
And what are the consequences going to be? And so
for them, it was literally just robbing Peter to pay
Paul the last few years of our lives. Like looking
back on it, it's things like writing a ten dollars
check to the power company to keep the power on,
doing everything they could to On the surface, everything's fine,
(15:04):
but underneath it all, they were literally just drowning and
suffocating with this addiction. And you know, I think one
thing that as I'm on this journey, and you know,
I'll never probably know the real true answer to this
and the timeline, but I haven't covered a lot, especially
in writing the book, you know, having to dig a
lot deeper into the timeline. But you know, I've always
(15:26):
kind of wondered, at what point did my parents know
that they had a problem, And specifically, you know, my
dad knew we had a problem with drinking, like that
was something that was known. He went to his counselor's
hiss AA meetings. But I'm talking specifically about the prescription
drugs that they were taking for their chronic pain. At
what point did something tell them this isn't right, I'm
(15:50):
in trouble. Oh, And it just like ugh, even saying
that out loud, just like it's like a gut punch,
because it like takes me almost back to that time
of just being like, these are two people, and like
you go down this road of life and you can't
you only see so far in front of you, right,
you can only see a couple steps ahead of you.
(16:12):
You're not seeing the entire road, and in many ways,
just how tragic their lives ended. It just makes me
sad to think that as they were walking down this
road at some point they entered it into this darkness
and they were never able to find the light again.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
You kind of touched on this earlier. It's so wild
that we pretty much live in an addiction based society
now and we don't talk about it. Like everyone has
some form of something that we're using to kind of
dumb down all the emotions that are coming up in
such a tumultuous time in our world, you know, And
(16:48):
so we have these medicators that we use, but it's
not really talked about, like if you're medicating with something,
Oh wait, that is what addiction is, Like, that is
how it starts. And your parents were a little bit
ahead of this time, and so I'm sure the shame
was even bigger during that time, and the hiding and
the wanting to you know, put up a good keep
(17:08):
up with the Joneses kind of energy and mentality. So
it's just kind of crazy to think about.
Speaker 4 (17:13):
That's such a good point, Kelly, because I do think
that society things have shifted so much. Yeah. Look, I'm
forty years old. Of course, I'm like on the fringe
of being a millennial, I guess. But I think back
to like, I mean, look, we had like dial up internet,
Like back when I was in high school. It was
like get in that chat room and like, you know,
the dial up you know whatever, like took forever and
(17:34):
now we're sitting here like instant gratification. Oh you know,
this page is taking two seconds to load, you know,
like hurry up. I mean, it's just wild. Yeah, And
I think that you know, in so many ways, and
I don't know if you can relate to this, but
there are days where and especially now having a twenty
month old, I think about like life back then and
(17:56):
how things were so different and yes, we have the
pleasures of you know, cell phones. I laugh about this,
like we used to have atlases like to get us
from you know, we would drive twelve hours to Florida
for gymnastics competition, and like, how the heck did we
even get there? Happiness, what was like highlighted? You know,
Gosh forbid, you don't have your navigation. But then I
(18:17):
think about like some of the times then and just
the simpler times, and like the stresses of it all.
And granted, you know, our stress then when I was
you know, five, six, seven, eight, obviously is a lot
different than it is now, just like the stressors for
my parents. I'm sure you know, in their day their
stresses were far greater, you know, as adults and what
they were dealing with, certainly, But I think that's such
(18:39):
a great question to ponder too, because you're right, like
people just don't want to talk about it. And then
I will say this because for a long time I
did the whole. Once I started coming out that my
parents had you know, died of overdoses, I was always
like real adamant prescription drug overdoses. Like I had to
really like highlight that because I needed people to know
(19:02):
and like to know that wol was prescribed to them.
But the bottom line is Kelly like, they literally took
fetanol and my mom had a pain patch. My dad
was prescribed oxy's. She was prescribed the fetanyl pain patch
to try to manage her pain time release. They stuck
it in the freezer and cut it open and overdosed
on it. So even though it was a prescription drug,
(19:23):
it was very much abused.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
Yeah right, yeah, And so.
Speaker 4 (19:28):
You kind of cut that part out of the story
and all prescription drugs like, oh, you know, but it
does also show how quickly, you know, you go in
for a procedure whatever it is, and next thing you
come out and all of a sudden you're like, ooh,
this makes me feel good, this takes away the pain,
or I can't stop taking this. And then the same
(19:48):
with anxiety, and you know, I think that we're filled,
our society is filled with so much anxiety. And I
will never tell someone like don't take medicare. I'm never
going to stand up here and be like, you know
you need a cold, never take medication everever ever, because
I'm not walking in your shoes. But I will say
we have to talk about it to become educated and
to know that we have options right and that even
(20:13):
you know, a doctor's going to tell us something. I mean,
when I had my son, yes I had an epidural.
I was not going all natural Nancy over here, but
I will say that I was aware that through research
and friends and people kind of enlightening me was that hey,
you know, they're likely going to put opioids into your IV,
(20:33):
but you can opt out of that. But it might
be a conversation you want to have ahead of time
because once you're you know, out of it, you might
not have a choice. That that might just be their
normal protocols. Well, thank goodness I did because instead of
being you know, pump full of opioids and narcotics, I
literally did a tile and all motrin sort of whatever.
And that worked for me. And that's not going to
(20:56):
be for everybody. But I think knowledge is power, right,
our right to be able to say yes, I want
this or no, I don't.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Yeah, well, and this is kind of a side step,
but I talk about this a lot on the podcast
because the more I've learned about addiction in my adult life,
I think we're all just looking to survive, right, And
so it's just it's a survival skill almost. It's the
thing that we need to get through the hardships, the problems,
and then it can go a little bit, it's like
getting out of hand with it. But when you look
(21:27):
at it as the survival skill, it's like it could
be pills, it could be alcohol, it could be drugs,
it could be sex. Whatever it is, it's just the
thing that's blocking us from connecting with the emotions that
we're feeling, the anxiety that you talked about. And so
it's easy to look at some people's lives and go, well,
look how successful they are, but like, are they using
work in that same way? Like there's a lot of
(21:47):
things we do that are praised by society that are
in fact addictive behaviors too when you really look at it.
So one of the things that I'm really passionate about
is getting to the root of things and like why
we're doing this, Like your parents pain, like is there
another way, like you're talking about that it could have
been dealt with so that we don't go down these
like hardcore paths and just completely lose ourselves.
Speaker 3 (22:09):
Just the things.
Speaker 4 (22:11):
Yeah, and I love that too, the survival piece of it,
because you're right, like, yeah, you wake up every day
and where there's joy, there's gonna be sadness. They coexist,
it is. You know, where there is victory, there's going
to be hardships, and that's just that's just where we're
at and that's just life, right. I think that, you know,
everyone wants to paint that pretty picture. But to your point,
(22:32):
I love what you said there too, because then all
of a sudden, it's like, oh, you see the highlight
and maybe they are really living their dream. Sure, there
are always costs associated with it, and you know, I
mean I will say that even in the sports world,
like yes, like I get to cover college football and
I'm out there when the confetti's raining down on the
field like this is amazing. But also nobody sees like
(22:53):
the not glamorous light right literally on the road. Oh man,
my frequent flyer flyer mile are like whatever. But you know,
there's a cost that comes with that they're like, yes,
I get status, but also like, I'm on the road
four out of the seven days a week during the
whole season, that I don't get to be with my
husband and my son and get to watch him do life,
(23:15):
and like that's freaking hard.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Yeah, and that's the stuff we don't talk about. So
I'm glad we're talking about it.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Yeah, I want to.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
I want to get to what this, this whole experience
has taught you, because I'm always big on people using
pain for purpose, which is literally what you're doing. And
you talk about recognizing the power of your story is
what leads you to your purpose. When did that switch
happen for you? I thought that was such a beautiful statement,
But when did that happen for you?
Speaker 4 (23:44):
Well? I appreciate that, yeah, you know, for me, you know,
And first and foremost, I will say this because obviously,
on this journey, it's easy to kind of look like, oh,
you know, she figured like she's figured it out, right, Well,
truth be told, like, this has been a long, winding
journey that has not been linear, that has been all
over the place, and I'm still figuring it out. Yeah,
but I will say where I really was opened up
(24:05):
to this idea. I think this lens like this, this
this lens shift happened, And for me, it really was
when I entered into the sports world, because you know,
I get into sports thinking like like I was an athlete,
I can empathize. I love sports, I love people, I
love relationships, I love performing. But all of a sudden,
(24:27):
I'm seeing this major ripple effect happen. You know, this
story kind of comes to me. You know, somebody does something,
this athlete has this amazing story that now I'm you know,
to me gifted the opportunity to share and be a
voice bore And I'm like, I see this ripple effect
happen where like, all of a sudden, like even if
(24:49):
it's just one person that says, oh man, I saw
that story, it changes their perception, It changes their perspective,
it changes their hopefulness, and now suddenly they feel hope,
hopeful and not hopeless, right, And I'm like Wow. And
then not to mention, as a reporter, we are supposed
to be operating with great integrity, and yet I felt
(25:10):
like people were coming to me and saying, hey, Lauren,
you know I trust you with my story here. And
yet I'm over here like with my own story, just
like me, you know, like not lying about it. But
it was close to a lie.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
It wasn't hiding too.
Speaker 4 (25:25):
Yeah, I mean, it's just like kind of you know,
stepping away from that. And so I'm trying to encourage people.
You know, I'm sitting on the opposite side of this
right of the chair, doing the interview and hoping that
I can have a conversation with someone, an open, honest,
real conversation in which they just pour their heart out.
And yet I'm over here just like you know, and
(25:48):
so that really and again, it wasn't just like one
day it was like I woke up and I'm like, oh,
I'm going to own my story. It was it really was,
you know, just little baby steps along the way and
then just that courage. And then what I realized is
I was so fearful of the response of like, Okay, well,
when I do tell people that my parents died of overdoses,
(26:08):
Like what's that response going to be? Like? Even the
people that love them, And you know, I think probably
had a lot of questions themselves. You know a lot
of people didn't know because I just literally like whatever,
And so I think over time, people just kind of
forget about it. But when I came out, and I
specifically remember, one of my dad's colleagues at the VA
where he worked, had, you know, just wondered for so
(26:32):
many years, like, what in the world happened to Butch Sisler?
You know, my dad went by Butch. His name was George,
but he hated the name George, so we went by.
But she said, what that world happened to Butch Sisler?
And she said that when I when I started sharing
that story and then finally came out with it for
the very first time, like in the media world, you know,
publicly at the local TV station I worked at, she
(26:55):
was like it was just almost like a sigh of relief,
because number one, it was like, you know, you ask
all these questions and you just want to know, and
it's like she was able to finally come to a
little bit of peace with it. But then her perception
of my parents didn't change of anything. She loved them
even more for putting up a fight and literally doing
(27:17):
life as proudly as they possibly could, even in the
face of the addiction and the just the tragedy of
the circumstances that were just folding in on them. And
it just made me realize, like, the people that love
my parents still love them just the same. I'll, i'll,
and I'll say this. And really, my auntie Linda, my
mom's sister, is just such a foundation for me. Really
(27:40):
just took me under her wing. I was eighteen, obviously
didn't need a legal guardian, but I was a baby,
and she really helped me to break down those walls.
And over time she helped me to realize that my
parents aren't defined by how they died, but by how
they lived their lives. And now I have an opportunity
to carry on that legacy and carry on that hope.
(28:01):
And so when I stand on stage or sit here,
I'm not thinking like, you know, oh how shameful it is. I'm,
you know, sharing my parents' story. I'm sitting here like, ooh,
they are right here with me. Come on, girl, you
got this. That's just who they were. And I don't
think that ever stopped from the day that they left us.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
And I love that you're using that to help other
people in finding their own story. Do you feel like
you could say now that you've fallen in love with
your own stories?
Speaker 3 (28:37):
Do you feel like you could say now that you've
fallen in love with your own story.
Speaker 4 (28:40):
Yes, yes, I have fallen in love with my story.
But hold up, here's what I want to tell y'all.
And this is something that's really coming to me in
recent months, even weeks, you know, So I talk to
you a little bit about this. Kelly. So, I actually
unfortunately lost my brother in November, and so really my
last family of origin. I got the picture back here,
(29:01):
our family foot, our little old Mills mode right here,
Olen Mills, Olive Mills literally has like the Old Mills
stamp in there. But like, this is my family and
you know this is this is me and my brother
and my mom and dad and you see my brother there,
and so he passed away from some health issues back
in November. And what's crazy is I'm out here just like, oh,
(29:22):
fall in love with your story and I'm just like
preaching it to the world and truly felt like, you know,
I found so much freedom from learning to fall in
love my story and then this happens with my brother
and I literally and mind you, a month after we
released the book, I literally wanted to take a match
to every bit of it and light it on fire,
(29:43):
I imagine, And I remember sitting in the floor of
my bedroom. My book was there. I had been pulling
stuff out of a bag and these bracelets from some
of my dear friends. They have bracelets called they're presently bracelets,
and they're basically affirmation bracelets. And so the bracelet it says,
I'm in love with my story. And so I'm literally
(30:04):
pulling stuff out of my bag. I see the bracelet,
I see the book, and I literally just like fall apart,
and I'm like, but I'm not in love with my story?
How can I be in love with this story? Like?
Speaker 5 (30:17):
Ugh?
Speaker 4 (30:19):
Because I was at a place where like how like how?
But in this journey. So it's been almost I guess
almost five months since my brother passed, and I'm realizing
that you can fall in love with your story and
fall in love with it again. And I think that's where. Oh,
(30:40):
it's been a lot trying to navigate that, because again,
we live in a world where we think like things
can't coexist. You can't be happy and you can't be
sad at the same time. You can't have all this amazing, amazing,
great things happening and then also have like wake up
the next morning. But that's that's life, right, That's that's
what we go through. We could wake up on top
(31:01):
of the world one day and the next the next day,
you know, we get some news that we don't like,
or something didn't go our way, or we just feel
like we fell short somewhere. And I think that's just
the journey I'm realizing, is that we can all learn
to fall in love with our story. And our stories
are always being written, right, and so those chapters like oh,
(31:22):
I'm in love with my story, and then you thumb
through those chapters and like, suddenly I've hit this chapter
where now I'm experiencing great grief and loss once again.
But I'm also realizing, like it's always a process and
journey and I can learn to fall in love with
my story again.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
It's the synchronicity of what you just said based on
my life is crazy, because yesterday I was having a
conversation with a friend about how I feel like I'm
really really trying to live in the boath and like
really embracing that in my life because I think the
older that you get, I'm forty two, so we're around
the same age.
Speaker 4 (31:55):
But girl, welcome to the fourth floor.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
I love the fourth floor, but it's the older that
you get. I think most things do coexist in the
like hardship and the beauty, the pain and the joy.
Speaker 4 (32:11):
And as we get older, we just recognize it.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
More, right exactly, Yeah, and you try, you really have
to embrace that. It doesn't have it can't really be
just one or the other, Like there's always kind of
be the two coexisting, and so I just the syncredicity.
I'm like, we were supposed to have this conversation today
because I truly think that that is kind of what
we're being asked to do right now in this world,
(32:35):
especially but with your story in particular. First of all,
thank you for sharing all of that with us. But
I can't imagine that all of the loss wouldn't be
also connected to some joy that you remember them with,
or this purpose that you've now found to go help others.
You know, it's the both and of all of that.
(32:56):
In fact, one of the things I said to you
that I wanted to talk about at the beginning of
the podcast was the shit and to me, when I
see you doing that, I looked at a bunch of videos,
I was like, what is this sideline shimmy. It's you
finding joy amongst the pain, you know, it's a way
to like work through that. Can you tell the listeners
a little bit about the sideline shimmy?
Speaker 4 (33:13):
The sideline shimmy? Yes, I love that, you know. And
it's really funny because of course that being in the
subtitle of my book. I had told my my publisher
and publicist shout out, shout out to Darren and Gary
out there. They wanted to put that in the subtitle
of the book, and I was like, that's so cheesy,
like what the heck? And of course, again it's the
fear of like what are people going to think? And
(33:35):
like whatever, But really their whole idea was like you
realize when people see that, they're gonna be like, what
the heck is a sideline shimmy? Oh, They're going to
go figure it out right, And that's like it literally,
it's just kind of like what is this thing? Okay?
I love that, you know, the joy piece of it,
because my goal and my hope is that I can
help people to find their sideline shimmy and whatever version
(33:58):
of that is right for me. It's obviously on the sidelines.
It has been a source of therapy for me because, oh,
by the way, nerves are wreck You're about to go
on national TV in front of two million people. Yeah,
everything you say, you got to get it right. And
trust me, I'm far from perfect, But like the sideline
shimmy always helped me to It just helps me to
calm the nerves, redistribute the nervousness. The nerves are still there,
(34:20):
but instead of it being all like you know, it
helps to redistribute, not to mention. I'm a former DJ
and love music, and you know, it's just part of
who I am. And so the sideline shimmy just kind
of was born when I started to realize like that,
shaking off some of those nerves by dancing on the
sidelines was really beneficial for me, and I started to
(34:42):
feel like a little bit more in control of those
nerves and in control of those emotions I was feeling
at the start of a football game and throughout. So
it just kind of became my thing. What I didn't
realize is that, and I say this to all my
football fans out there, if you're in a stadium and
there's upwards of ten, fifteen, sometimes twenty cameras in that stadium,
(35:04):
they are always rolling, and so I didn't realize that,
like these cameras are always on. So I was dancing
like an idiot. And then like my gal Elhabel, because
she helped me to invent the sideline shimmy, she like
sent me a video. She's like, hey, I just want
to send you this, And I had no idea that
they were always recording these stupid videos of me dancing
on the sidelines like an idiot, and so I posted
(35:25):
on social media, got a lot of love, and so
ever since, it's kind of like if I don't do it,
I'm in trouble.
Speaker 3 (35:31):
Yeah you better sideline.
Speaker 4 (35:33):
Yeah, that's always though that I always leave it up
to the DJ because sometimes the DJs in the stadiums
are not very good, and I'm like, this is not
good shimmy music. We need to you know. But me
being you know, I was born in eighty four. I
guess you were born in eighty two. That's when my
brother was born. I'm like old school. I like the
oh school, like the old school hip hop. I feel
(35:53):
like I'm kind of like that nineties brat, Like I
like all the real like nineties.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
HiT's all music was good and that's why we love it. Wait, okay,
because that's told you.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
I'm an ls Evan. How does LSU rank on the
DJ scales? Because I feel like we know how to
dance down?
Speaker 4 (36:07):
Oh you do? Okay, it's great because here's the thing.
There's some people that are living with their head in
the sand talk about Okay, so living with your head
in the sand can be a good thing and sometimes
a bad thing, yea, and in this case a bad
thing because sometimes I'm like, do these people literally have
like an old school iPod like hooked up and it's
just like some old school playlists, like you know, the
(36:28):
very like yacht rock kind of stuff. I'm like, right,
we got we got to pick it up a little bit. Yeah,
like read your audience, you know, like, don't be putting
this on replay. Like, so, you know what, I'm not
sure if LSU has an in house DJ. I want
to say they do, because you can always tell when
the DJs are like mixing and stuff in the stadium.
It's been a couple of years since I've been there, though,
(36:48):
but I would like to say they do. I'm gonna go,
I'm gonna go find it.
Speaker 3 (36:50):
It was like we might it feels on brand.
Speaker 4 (36:53):
It feels very on brand. But the in house DJ
is always crush it because like literally it feels like
you're just in a club. You're like in a club
with one hundred thousand people like about to.
Speaker 2 (37:04):
Just everybody's there for the same purpose. I try to
tell people, I'm like, there is nothing like for me
it was being in Tiger Stadium. There's nothing like that feeling.
So I can't imagine you every weekend the nerves would
be through the roof.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
For me, that is a big job.
Speaker 4 (37:19):
I feel for the players out there like actually doing it,
you know, like gosh, you know, every little thing that
you do is just under a microscope.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
Yeah, especially in the SEC. I always try to remind
myself these are like eighteen year olds, like we were
talking about earlier. I mean, college kids should not have
this much pressure, but they do for sure down.
Speaker 4 (37:38):
There and now with nil and you know all that,
like yeah, through the roof and so again. You know,
the times are changing, things are evolving. You have to
learn to kind of like flow with the times. But
sometimes I think it's okay to just step back and
be like you know what, like I'm gonna do this
my way and how I feel comfortable and how I
know best. And to your point, Kelly, you talk about
(37:59):
the the, the and both kind of thing. Just thinking
about that mindset to me is I think that without
walking through adversity, without going through the challenges, that gift
of gratitude doesn't show up on the other side. And
I think you have to walk through those things. You
have to feel the weight of that in order to
(38:21):
truly appreciate the gift of gratitude that comes on the
other side.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
I completely agree on that note, because I think that's
a great place to end. The book is called Shatterproof
How I overcame the shame of losing my parents to
opioid addiction and found my sideline shimmy. I will put
that in the description of this podcast for you guys, Lauren,
where can people keep up with you? Or if they're
interested in finding their sideline shimmy, where can they follow along?
Speaker 4 (38:44):
Yes, okay, laurensisl dot com. Of course you can hit
me up on my website. I get all my you know,
you can send me a note say hello whatever. Also
social media at Lauren Sister, my dms are open. I
always tell you to like, oh, your dms are open.
Sometimes it is hard. I gotta like siphon though a
lot of stuff, but eventually I'll get there. And I
would love to just connect and hear your story. And
(39:06):
I also have a newsletter, so if you want to
sign up for that, you can go to my website.
Just kind of some words of encouragement as you're walking
through this thing. But I would love to connect. I
would love to hear from you, and maybe we'll get
to sideline shoot me together.
Speaker 3 (39:19):
Yeah, I love it.
Speaker 2 (39:20):
Thank you so much for sharing with us and for
being here today. Thank you, Thank you guys for listening.
Speaker 1 (39:26):
Thanks for listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,
where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a
little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty
and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.
Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's the Velvet's
Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Many of you who are college football fans will know
Lauren Sissler from her Emmy Award winning sideline reporting for ESPN,
but behind the end zones the interviews, and her viral
sideline Shimmy, which I want to talk about. By the way,
there was a secret she was carrying. In her new book, Shatterproof,
How I overcame the shame of losing my parents to
opioid addiction and found my sideline Shimmy. Lauren courageously shares
(00:35):
her journey through grief, shock and shame and how she
found the strength to confront and redeem her tragedy. So
that is what we're here to talk about.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Hi, Lauren, Hello Kelly.
Speaker 4 (00:45):
How are you today?
Speaker 3 (00:46):
I am good.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
You sound like you've had a busy day. We were
just talking about You're doing a lot of interviews for
this book. How's it been going.
Speaker 4 (00:53):
Yeah, it's been going good. Running a million miles a minute,
it feels like doing a lot of interviews and I'm
doing a lot of public speaking. You know, the million
dollar question is always like what do you do? In
the off season because my primary season is college football.
I do some college gymnastics as well. I covered gymnastics,
and I've got a couple of meets sprinkled throughout the season,
but for the most part, my on season is September
(01:15):
through December. But I'm like, I don't know how I
do it. I manage it, but I literally stay busier
in my.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Off season I'm doing I'm just like, what am I doing?
Speaker 4 (01:25):
You know? But it's all good. It's good. It's been great,
and I just love that I've had the opportunity to
spread the word, spread the message, and love getting to
chat with you today.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Well, I'm really excited to hear about your story. It's
a lot there's a lot of resilience. I hear even
in the title of your book. I mean, I think
specifically even the title is kind of shocking to hear.
Can you talk us through what happened in that part
of your story and what happened with the death of
your parents.
Speaker 4 (01:51):
Yes, so just you know, a wild and crazy journey
and one that came with a lot of shock. So
the word shame obviously resonates, and a lot of that
is because my parents died of prescription drug overdoses. But
it was something that literally came as such a shock
to our family. And I think that that's the hardest
thing that when we are walking in this journey with
(02:12):
addiction and dealing with you know, our loved ones that
are that are that are struggling with substance use, there's
such a label attached to it. And I think for
me that really carried me through life for many many
years because we grow up society tells us what an
addict is, and you know, my parents were happy, loving
(02:33):
people that went to work and were educated and fun
loving and all the things that society tells you that
an addict isn't. But that's where we have to rip
off those labels and realize is that we can all
be impacted by addiction, and we all are touched by
it in some way, you know, whether it's you know,
a close loved one, whether you the individual are struggling
(02:54):
with it, or somebody in your network. And so you know,
for me, the shock of it all was when I
got the call for my dad. I was a freshman
at Rutgers, living my dream college gymnast on scholarship, doing
life as scripted or at least as I thought was scripted.
And I get the call from my dad one evening
my second semester to let me know my mom died.
(03:15):
And really it came as a complete shock, Kelly, because
I had just talked to my parents hours before, literally
just hung up the phone with them a few hours before.
Everything seemed fine. My mom forty five, my dad fifty two,
and you know, we were just doing life and I
was starting this new chapter with the college career, and
everything was going well. I'd just seen my parents in February,
(03:36):
and it just what do you mean? Mom died? And
he said, look, I need you to get on the
next plane you can, and I'll be at the airport
to pick you up. And unfortunately he never did show up,
and instead it was my uncle and my cousin who
had to deliver the news that he too had passed away.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Did you have any inkling that there was any sort
of addiction problem when you look back where you're looking thinking, okay,
that there was that or there was this. I mean,
I know you were only eighteen, so how much were
you like aware of I think.
Speaker 4 (04:03):
That's where we're really good at kind of seeing through
things or past things right, because I do think this
addiction was kind of somewhat in focus.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (04:14):
I think my parents did a great job though of
hiding it right. And so, you know, I think that
when things kind of started for them, they were going
to a pay management doctor in my hometown of Run, Virginia.
My dad had chronic back pain and he was also
in the military, you know, had some issues with some PTSD,
some depression, and then my mom had degenerative dis disease.
(04:34):
And so they're going to this pay management doctor taking
medications as prescribed. So when you open up the pill
cabinet and you see a mountain of narcotics, you see
their name on it, you don't think anything of it.
You think, well, this is prescribed by a doctor, so
you just kind of look past it. Really and you know, again,
(04:56):
my parents are really good at making things seem fine, fine,
everything's fine, Everything's fine. And I think that I just
kind of lived in a little bit of that la
la land because I thought that what my parents were
saying was true, and you know, I wanted to believe
that my parents had it all figured out. Sure, I
put them on a pedestal. They were mine and my
(05:18):
brother's biggest supporters. They cheered us on through everything held
our hand, made sure we had everything we needed to succeed.
But little did I know underneath it all, you know,
they were struggling with the addiction, and then not only that,
but financial disarray. I mean, the finances within our home
were just a total disaster, and really there was nothing
left when they passed away. I mean, there was no will,
(05:40):
the cars were repossessed, the house went into foreclosure. We
were left with absolutely nothing. And looking back, you know,
I kind of see things here and there that I'm like, oh, well,
that could have been a red flag. That could have
been a red flag. But when you're in the throes
of it, and when you have the two people that
literally love you through everything, you just kind of don't
have questions, Like you just they said it's fine, Okay,
(06:02):
it's fine, and then you just keep moving.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
I love that you're bringing attention to the fact that
addiction doesn't always look the way that we've been told
it looks, because I think so often when you associate
someone like an addict, you would think, Okay, they're living
on the streets, they look all ragged. But what you're
describing to me is two very functioning, seeming parents who
(06:27):
still were loving, still showed up for you guys. I mean,
I know there was the financial issues behind the scenes,
but there wasn't this like outward expression of this addiction.
Is that something that you've become big into talking about
now that you've realized that this was like this underlying
thing happening in your life, Like I see that all
the time, and I'm assuming you do too, right.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
Yeah, absolutely, And I think that is one thing because
I think in life, what I've realized is we love
to throw labels on people, right right, might as well
get a SHARPI out right on your forehead. And not
only do we do that to others, I feel like
we do it to ourselves. Let's let's be real, like
the impostor syndrome is real. And I mean I find
(07:10):
myself doing it all the time, like throwing labels at myself,
and I'm like, wait a sec like come on, And
I think that that is what unfortunately, with the way
society kind of deems, you know, we put people in buckets,
we put people in different arenas, and we say, well,
that's not something I would ever deal with or go through.
And I think that's where we really have to kind
(07:32):
of like realize that, you know, we love to we
love to create a social norm, but let's be real,
like there is no norm, and really, in reality, when
you when you piece it all together, we are all
dealing with this thing of whether it's substance use, whether
it's an addiction of food, gambling, pornography, like there's a
(07:53):
million things that we are gripped towards. And then not
to mention with the way we do social media, the
comparison game. We're always looking at everybody's highlights, but what
we don't take a moment to realize is that like
those highlights are the best of someone, we're not always
seeing what's happening behind the scenes at people's lowest moments.
(08:16):
And so, you know, we just really have to rip
off those labels and realize that we are all human,
we are all flawed, We are all trying to figure
this out. And I love to say like we are
a work in progress. Every single day. Nobody's got it
truly figured out. And we're always striving for something else,
striving for that next thing, whether it's a goal or
(08:39):
whatever is is kind of next in line, and you know.
That's my hope is that we can just recognize like
nobody's exempt from life's difficult circumstances, and every single person
has the ability to go down a dark road but
also has the ability to come to the other side
of light through hope.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
So you obviously put the word shame in You're tied. Oh,
so this was a big piece of your journey, and
I find it so interesting. I mean, I've told you
before the podcast, I come from an alcoholic family as well,
and so I identified with so much of your story
and just the word shame in general was so perfect
for me because what people don't understand about coming from
(09:17):
a family system with addiction is everyone's a part of it,
and so whatever that manifests like for you might be different,
but for me, shame and just wanting my family to
be like everyone else's was such a big unlearning for me.
So can you talk about what shame looked like in
your life and why that was such a big word
(09:38):
for you, Like it was in the title of your book,
So why was that so important for you to talk about?
Speaker 4 (09:43):
Yeah, I mean, shame is something that ooh, it'll get
its claws in you and you kind of mentioned the
alcohol piece of it. So my dad was an alcoholic
and it was something I knew, but like ten year
old me, like didn't really know, like what you is
that right?
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Right?
Speaker 4 (09:56):
As a gymnast, like my competitive spirit in me, he
was like compartmentalize, put it on a shelf, forget about it,
move on. And that was always kind of how I
did things. So when my dad would relapse, you know,
and a lot of times it was on special occasions,
maybe his birthday when you know, he lost his mom,
you know, different things would always kind of spark up
for him and kind of trigger trigger the relapses. And again,
(10:20):
I just felt like I always did a good job
of like, all right, it's temporary, we're moving on. And
then underneath it all, even though I was so good
at compartmentalizing, shame was always there. And I'll tell you why,
because I remember as the ten year old, you know,
being out playing in the backyard, jumping on the trampoline
and my friend, my friend Ellie, my best friend growing up,
(10:41):
would call me and say, hey, you know, let's play,
let's get together. I'm gonna you know, I want to
come to your house. Let's jump on the trampoline. And
I remember in those times when my father was drinking
that because it would usually be a couple of days,
like you know, he'd go on these like vendors, and
his personality would always shift, and I would be like, oh,
I said, well, why don't come play your house? So
I would. I would do everything I could to avoid
(11:03):
because I didn't want her coming to my house and
seeing my dad, or potentially the eruption of a fight
between him and my mom because he was drinking. Like
I did everything I could just stay away from it.
And so even though I did a great job of compartmentalizing,
I don't even remember when I would be in gymnastics
practice and he would walk into the gym and my dad.
(11:25):
Usually my mom was the one taking me to and
front practice, but every once in a while, you know,
my dad, coming from work or whatever, would pick me up.
And it was interesting because.
Speaker 5 (11:33):
I could almost immediately tell if he was sober or
if he had been drinking, just like he didn't even
have to open his mouth, just when he would walk
into the gym, I could.
Speaker 4 (11:46):
Just see, just just see it on his face. You know,
you talk about that shame piece. Even though as a
young child. I did a lot to kind of like
escape it. It was always there in the back of
my mind. And it's amazing that things will tell ourselves
and tell other people to try to avoid the things
(12:07):
that we feel are shameful, the hiding, hiding.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Yeah, I was reading on your website you said I
lost my voice when a shame shattered my heart, and
I thought that was such an interesting connection to think
about the way that shame stifles us in our life.
(12:34):
Can you talk about that a little bit, like did
it expand for you once your parents passed away and
because of the nature of how they died, did your
shame get worse? Did it like stifle you more after that?
Or was this, like you said, a consistent thing throughout
your life?
Speaker 4 (12:50):
You know it absolutely, I mean it shut me down
because here's the thing, I think for so many years,
especially in the wake of my parents passing, I went
back to Rutgers, I had all the love and support,
we love you, we're here for you, and it really
was just this constant like you're so strong, you're a fighter,
you're a lawyer, you're an overcomer, and literally I feel like,
(13:11):
you know, like I'm being told like you're so strong.
I admire you, I look up to you. I felt
like I had to be that person of admiration. And
now all of a sudden, like I couldn't come out
and say what was happening behind closed doors. I couldn't
come out and say what I maybe thought to be
true that my parents were strong on with addiction. So literally,
I like told these stories when people would ask, well,
(13:34):
what happened to your parents, I literally came up with
the sugarcoated story of mom died of respiratory failure, Dad
died of a heart attack. Literally, those words came out
of my mouth so many times that like in my
heart of hearts, in my belief system, that my mom
and dad were not anywhere remotely attached to and or
(13:54):
touching addiction in any way, shape or form there was,
I just couldn't. I couldn't use the word overdose or
addiction in the same time sentence with both my parents.
It was just like new way, And I think you
can tell yourself those things so much, and so that
shame just got even deeper and deeper and deeper. And
now standing on the other side of it, I can
now see why my parents were so fearful and so
(14:18):
ashamed and so afraid to speak up about what they
were going through. And I feel sadness for them and
that thought that they didn't have the courage to speak
up because of the fear of the judgment and what's
going to come on the other side. How are we
(14:39):
going to be judged? What are people going to think?
And what are the consequences going to be? And so
for them, it was literally just robbing Peter to pay
Paul the last few years of our lives. Like looking
back on it, it's things like writing a ten dollars
check to the power company to keep the power on,
doing everything they could to On the surface, everything's fine,
(15:04):
but underneath it all, they were literally just drowning and
suffocating with this addiction. And you know, I think one
thing that as I'm on this journey, and you know,
I'll never probably know the real true answer to this
and the timeline, but I haven't covered a lot, especially
in writing the book, you know, having to dig a
lot deeper into the timeline. But you know, I've always
(15:26):
kind of wondered, at what point did my parents know
that they had a problem, And specifically, you know, my
dad knew we had a problem with drinking, like that
was something that was known. He went to his counselor's
hiss AA meetings. But I'm talking specifically about the prescription
drugs that they were taking for their chronic pain. At
what point did something tell them this isn't right, I'm
(15:50):
in trouble. Oh, And it just like ugh, even saying
that out loud, just like it's like a gut punch,
because it like takes me almost back to that time
of just being like, these are two people, and like
you go down this road of life and you can't
you only see so far in front of you, right,
you can only see a couple steps ahead of you.
(16:12):
You're not seeing the entire road, and in many ways,
just how tragic their lives ended. It just makes me
sad to think that as they were walking down this
road at some point they entered it into this darkness
and they were never able to find the light again.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
You kind of touched on this earlier. It's so wild
that we pretty much live in an addiction based society
now and we don't talk about it. Like everyone has
some form of something that we're using to kind of
dumb down all the emotions that are coming up in
such a tumultuous time in our world, you know, And
(16:48):
so we have these medicators that we use, but it's
not really talked about, like if you're medicating with something,
Oh wait, that is what addiction is, Like, that is
how it starts. And your parents were a little bit
ahead of this time, and so I'm sure the shame
was even bigger during that time, and the hiding and
the wanting to you know, put up a good keep
(17:08):
up with the Joneses kind of energy and mentality. So
it's just kind of crazy to think about.
Speaker 4 (17:13):
That's such a good point, Kelly, because I do think
that society things have shifted so much. Yeah. Look, I'm
forty years old. Of course, I'm like on the fringe
of being a millennial, I guess. But I think back
to like, I mean, look, we had like dial up internet,
Like back when I was in high school. It was
like get in that chat room and like, you know,
the dial up you know whatever, like took forever and
(17:34):
now we're sitting here like instant gratification. Oh you know,
this page is taking two seconds to load, you know,
like hurry up. I mean, it's just wild. Yeah, And
I think that you know, in so many ways, and
I don't know if you can relate to this, but
there are days where and especially now having a twenty
month old, I think about like life back then and
(17:56):
how things were so different and yes, we have the
pleasures of you know, cell phones. I laugh about this,
like we used to have atlases like to get us
from you know, we would drive twelve hours to Florida
for gymnastics competition, and like, how the heck did we
even get there? Happiness, what was like highlighted? You know,
Gosh forbid, you don't have your navigation. But then I
(18:17):
think about like some of the times then and just
the simpler times, and like the stresses of it all.
And granted, you know, our stress then when I was
you know, five, six, seven, eight, obviously is a lot
different than it is now, just like the stressors for
my parents. I'm sure you know, in their day their
stresses were far greater, you know, as adults and what
they were dealing with, certainly, But I think that's such
(18:39):
a great question to ponder too, because you're right, like
people just don't want to talk about it. And then
I will say this because for a long time I
did the whole. Once I started coming out that my
parents had you know, died of overdoses, I was always
like real adamant prescription drug overdoses. Like I had to
really like highlight that because I needed people to know
(19:02):
and like to know that wol was prescribed to them.
But the bottom line is Kelly like, they literally took
fetanol and my mom had a pain patch. My dad
was prescribed oxy's. She was prescribed the fetanyl pain patch
to try to manage her pain time release. They stuck
it in the freezer and cut it open and overdosed
on it. So even though it was a prescription drug,
(19:23):
it was very much abused.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
Yeah right, yeah, And so.
Speaker 4 (19:28):
You kind of cut that part out of the story
and all prescription drugs like, oh, you know, but it
does also show how quickly, you know, you go in
for a procedure whatever it is, and next thing you
come out and all of a sudden you're like, ooh,
this makes me feel good, this takes away the pain,
or I can't stop taking this. And then the same
(19:48):
with anxiety, and you know, I think that we're filled,
our society is filled with so much anxiety. And I
will never tell someone like don't take medicare. I'm never
going to stand up here and be like, you know
you need a cold, never take medication everever ever, because
I'm not walking in your shoes. But I will say
we have to talk about it to become educated and
to know that we have options right and that even
(20:13):
you know, a doctor's going to tell us something. I mean,
when I had my son, yes I had an epidural.
I was not going all natural Nancy over here, but
I will say that I was aware that through research
and friends and people kind of enlightening me was that hey,
you know, they're likely going to put opioids into your IV,
(20:33):
but you can opt out of that. But it might
be a conversation you want to have ahead of time
because once you're you know, out of it, you might
not have a choice. That that might just be their
normal protocols. Well, thank goodness I did because instead of
being you know, pump full of opioids and narcotics, I
literally did a tile and all motrin sort of whatever.
And that worked for me. And that's not going to
(20:56):
be for everybody. But I think knowledge is power, right,
our right to be able to say yes, I want
this or no, I don't.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Yeah, well, and this is kind of a side step,
but I talk about this a lot on the podcast
because the more I've learned about addiction in my adult life,
I think we're all just looking to survive, right, And
so it's just it's a survival skill almost. It's the
thing that we need to get through the hardships, the problems,
and then it can go a little bit, it's like
getting out of hand with it. But when you look
(21:27):
at it as the survival skill, it's like it could
be pills, it could be alcohol, it could be drugs,
it could be sex. Whatever it is, it's just the
thing that's blocking us from connecting with the emotions that
we're feeling, the anxiety that you talked about. And so
it's easy to look at some people's lives and go, well,
look how successful they are, but like, are they using
work in that same way? Like there's a lot of
(21:47):
things we do that are praised by society that are
in fact addictive behaviors too when you really look at it.
So one of the things that I'm really passionate about
is getting to the root of things and like why
we're doing this, Like your parents pain, like is there
another way, like you're talking about that it could have
been dealt with so that we don't go down these
like hardcore paths and just completely lose ourselves.
Speaker 3 (22:09):
Just the things.
Speaker 4 (22:11):
Yeah, and I love that too, the survival piece of it,
because you're right, like, yeah, you wake up every day
and where there's joy, there's gonna be sadness. They coexist,
it is. You know, where there is victory, there's going
to be hardships, and that's just that's just where we're
at and that's just life, right. I think that, you know,
everyone wants to paint that pretty picture. But to your point,
(22:32):
I love what you said there too, because then all
of a sudden, it's like, oh, you see the highlight
and maybe they are really living their dream. Sure, there
are always costs associated with it, and you know, I
mean I will say that even in the sports world,
like yes, like I get to cover college football and
I'm out there when the confetti's raining down on the
field like this is amazing. But also nobody sees like
(22:53):
the not glamorous light right literally on the road. Oh man,
my frequent flyer flyer mile are like whatever. But you know,
there's a cost that comes with that they're like, yes,
I get status, but also like, I'm on the road
four out of the seven days a week during the
whole season, that I don't get to be with my
husband and my son and get to watch him do life,
(23:15):
and like that's freaking hard.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Yeah, and that's the stuff we don't talk about. So
I'm glad we're talking about it.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Yeah, I want to.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
I want to get to what this, this whole experience
has taught you, because I'm always big on people using
pain for purpose, which is literally what you're doing. And
you talk about recognizing the power of your story is
what leads you to your purpose. When did that switch
happen for you? I thought that was such a beautiful statement,
But when did that happen for you?
Speaker 4 (23:44):
Well? I appreciate that, yeah, you know, for me, you know,
And first and foremost, I will say this because obviously,
on this journey, it's easy to kind of look like, oh,
you know, she figured like she's figured it out, right, Well,
truth be told, like, this has been a long, winding
journey that has not been linear, that has been all
over the place, and I'm still figuring it out. Yeah,
but I will say where I really was opened up
(24:05):
to this idea. I think this lens like this, this
this lens shift happened, And for me, it really was
when I entered into the sports world, because you know,
I get into sports thinking like like I was an athlete,
I can empathize. I love sports, I love people, I
love relationships, I love performing. But all of a sudden,
(24:27):
I'm seeing this major ripple effect happen. You know, this
story kind of comes to me. You know, somebody does something,
this athlete has this amazing story that now I'm you know,
to me gifted the opportunity to share and be a
voice bore And I'm like, I see this ripple effect
happen where like, all of a sudden, like even if
(24:49):
it's just one person that says, oh man, I saw
that story, it changes their perception, It changes their perspective,
it changes their hopefulness, and now suddenly they feel hope,
hopeful and not hopeless, right, And I'm like Wow. And
then not to mention, as a reporter, we are supposed
to be operating with great integrity, and yet I felt
(25:10):
like people were coming to me and saying, hey, Lauren,
you know I trust you with my story here. And
yet I'm over here like with my own story, just
like me, you know, like not lying about it. But
it was close to a lie.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
It wasn't hiding too.
Speaker 4 (25:25):
Yeah, I mean, it's just like kind of you know,
stepping away from that. And so I'm trying to encourage people.
You know, I'm sitting on the opposite side of this
right of the chair, doing the interview and hoping that
I can have a conversation with someone, an open, honest,
real conversation in which they just pour their heart out.
And yet I'm over here just like you know, and
(25:48):
so that really and again, it wasn't just like one
day it was like I woke up and I'm like, oh,
I'm going to own my story. It was it really was,
you know, just little baby steps along the way and
then just that courage. And then what I realized is
I was so fearful of the response of like, Okay, well,
when I do tell people that my parents died of overdoses,
(26:08):
Like what's that response going to be? Like? Even the
people that love them, And you know, I think probably
had a lot of questions themselves. You know a lot
of people didn't know because I just literally like whatever,
And so I think over time, people just kind of
forget about it. But when I came out, and I
specifically remember, one of my dad's colleagues at the VA
where he worked, had, you know, just wondered for so
(26:32):
many years, like, what in the world happened to Butch Sisler?
You know, my dad went by Butch. His name was George,
but he hated the name George, so we went by.
But she said, what that world happened to Butch Sisler?
And she said that when I when I started sharing
that story and then finally came out with it for
the very first time, like in the media world, you know,
publicly at the local TV station I worked at, she
(26:55):
was like it was just almost like a sigh of relief,
because number one, it was like, you know, you ask
all these questions and you just want to know, and
it's like she was able to finally come to a
little bit of peace with it. But then her perception
of my parents didn't change of anything. She loved them
even more for putting up a fight and literally doing
(27:17):
life as proudly as they possibly could, even in the
face of the addiction and the just the tragedy of
the circumstances that were just folding in on them. And
it just made me realize, like, the people that love
my parents still love them just the same. I'll, i'll,
and I'll say this. And really, my auntie Linda, my
mom's sister, is just such a foundation for me. Really
(27:40):
just took me under her wing. I was eighteen, obviously
didn't need a legal guardian, but I was a baby,
and she really helped me to break down those walls.
And over time she helped me to realize that my
parents aren't defined by how they died, but by how
they lived their lives. And now I have an opportunity
to carry on that legacy and carry on that hope.
(28:01):
And so when I stand on stage or sit here,
I'm not thinking like, you know, oh how shameful it is. I'm,
you know, sharing my parents' story. I'm sitting here like, ooh,
they are right here with me. Come on, girl, you
got this. That's just who they were. And I don't
think that ever stopped from the day that they left us.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
And I love that you're using that to help other
people in finding their own story. Do you feel like
you could say now that you've fallen in love with
your own stories?
Speaker 3 (28:37):
Do you feel like you could say now that you've
fallen in love with your own story.
Speaker 4 (28:40):
Yes, yes, I have fallen in love with my story.
But hold up, here's what I want to tell y'all.
And this is something that's really coming to me in
recent months, even weeks, you know, So I talk to
you a little bit about this. Kelly. So, I actually
unfortunately lost my brother in November, and so really my
last family of origin. I got the picture back here,
(29:01):
our family foot, our little old Mills mode right here,
Olen Mills, Olive Mills literally has like the Old Mills
stamp in there. But like, this is my family and
you know this is this is me and my brother
and my mom and dad and you see my brother there,
and so he passed away from some health issues back
in November. And what's crazy is I'm out here just like, oh,
(29:22):
fall in love with your story and I'm just like
preaching it to the world and truly felt like, you know,
I found so much freedom from learning to fall in
love my story and then this happens with my brother
and I literally and mind you, a month after we
released the book, I literally wanted to take a match
to every bit of it and light it on fire,
(29:43):
I imagine, And I remember sitting in the floor of
my bedroom. My book was there. I had been pulling
stuff out of a bag and these bracelets from some
of my dear friends. They have bracelets called they're presently bracelets,
and they're basically affirmation bracelets. And so the bracelet it says,
I'm in love with my story. And so I'm literally
(30:04):
pulling stuff out of my bag. I see the bracelet,
I see the book, and I literally just like fall apart,
and I'm like, but I'm not in love with my story?
How can I be in love with this story? Like?
Speaker 5 (30:17):
Ugh?
Speaker 4 (30:19):
Because I was at a place where like how like how?
But in this journey. So it's been almost I guess
almost five months since my brother passed, and I'm realizing
that you can fall in love with your story and
fall in love with it again. And I think that's where. Oh,
(30:40):
it's been a lot trying to navigate that, because again,
we live in a world where we think like things
can't coexist. You can't be happy and you can't be
sad at the same time. You can't have all this amazing, amazing,
great things happening and then also have like wake up
the next morning. But that's that's life, right, That's that's
what we go through. We could wake up on top
(31:01):
of the world one day and the next the next day,
you know, we get some news that we don't like,
or something didn't go our way, or we just feel
like we fell short somewhere. And I think that's just
the journey I'm realizing, is that we can all learn
to fall in love with our story. And our stories
are always being written, right, and so those chapters like oh,
(31:22):
I'm in love with my story, and then you thumb
through those chapters and like, suddenly I've hit this chapter
where now I'm experiencing great grief and loss once again.
But I'm also realizing, like it's always a process and
journey and I can learn to fall in love with
my story again.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
It's the synchronicity of what you just said based on
my life is crazy, because yesterday I was having a
conversation with a friend about how I feel like I'm
really really trying to live in the boath and like
really embracing that in my life because I think the
older that you get, I'm forty two, so we're around
the same age.
Speaker 4 (31:55):
But girl, welcome to the fourth floor.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
I love the fourth floor, but it's the older that
you get. I think most things do coexist in the
like hardship and the beauty, the pain and the joy.
Speaker 4 (32:11):
And as we get older, we just recognize it.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
More, right exactly, Yeah, and you try, you really have
to embrace that. It doesn't have it can't really be
just one or the other, Like there's always kind of
be the two coexisting, and so I just the syncredicity.
I'm like, we were supposed to have this conversation today
because I truly think that that is kind of what
we're being asked to do right now in this world,
(32:35):
especially but with your story in particular. First of all,
thank you for sharing all of that with us. But
I can't imagine that all of the loss wouldn't be
also connected to some joy that you remember them with,
or this purpose that you've now found to go help others.
You know, it's the both and of all of that.
(32:56):
In fact, one of the things I said to you
that I wanted to talk about at the beginning of
the podcast was the shit and to me, when I
see you doing that, I looked at a bunch of videos,
I was like, what is this sideline shimmy. It's you
finding joy amongst the pain, you know, it's a way
to like work through that. Can you tell the listeners
a little bit about the sideline shimmy?
Speaker 4 (33:13):
The sideline shimmy? Yes, I love that, you know. And
it's really funny because of course that being in the
subtitle of my book. I had told my my publisher
and publicist shout out, shout out to Darren and Gary
out there. They wanted to put that in the subtitle
of the book, and I was like, that's so cheesy,
like what the heck? And of course, again it's the
fear of like what are people going to think? And
(33:35):
like whatever, But really their whole idea was like you
realize when people see that, they're gonna be like, what
the heck is a sideline shimmy? Oh, They're going to
go figure it out right, And that's like it literally,
it's just kind of like what is this thing? Okay?
I love that, you know, the joy piece of it,
because my goal and my hope is that I can
help people to find their sideline shimmy and whatever version
(33:58):
of that is right for me. It's obviously on the sidelines.
It has been a source of therapy for me because, oh,
by the way, nerves are wreck You're about to go
on national TV in front of two million people. Yeah,
everything you say, you got to get it right. And
trust me, I'm far from perfect, But like the sideline
shimmy always helped me to It just helps me to
calm the nerves, redistribute the nervousness. The nerves are still there,
(34:20):
but instead of it being all like you know, it
helps to redistribute, not to mention. I'm a former DJ
and love music, and you know, it's just part of
who I am. And so the sideline shimmy just kind
of was born when I started to realize like that,
shaking off some of those nerves by dancing on the
sidelines was really beneficial for me, and I started to
(34:42):
feel like a little bit more in control of those
nerves and in control of those emotions I was feeling
at the start of a football game and throughout. So
it just kind of became my thing. What I didn't
realize is that, and I say this to all my
football fans out there, if you're in a stadium and
there's upwards of ten, fifteen, sometimes twenty cameras in that stadium,
(35:04):
they are always rolling, and so I didn't realize that,
like these cameras are always on. So I was dancing
like an idiot. And then like my gal Elhabel, because
she helped me to invent the sideline shimmy, she like
sent me a video. She's like, hey, I just want
to send you this, And I had no idea that
they were always recording these stupid videos of me dancing
on the sidelines like an idiot, and so I posted
(35:25):
on social media, got a lot of love, and so
ever since, it's kind of like if I don't do it,
I'm in trouble.
Speaker 3 (35:31):
Yeah you better sideline.
Speaker 4 (35:33):
Yeah, that's always though that I always leave it up
to the DJ because sometimes the DJs in the stadiums
are not very good, and I'm like, this is not
good shimmy music. We need to you know. But me
being you know, I was born in eighty four. I
guess you were born in eighty two. That's when my
brother was born. I'm like old school. I like the
oh school, like the old school hip hop. I feel
(35:53):
like I'm kind of like that nineties brat, Like I
like all the real like nineties.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
HiT's all music was good and that's why we love it. Wait, okay,
because that's told you.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
I'm an ls Evan. How does LSU rank on the
DJ scales? Because I feel like we know how to
dance down?
Speaker 4 (36:07):
Oh you do? Okay, it's great because here's the thing.
There's some people that are living with their head in
the sand talk about Okay, so living with your head
in the sand can be a good thing and sometimes
a bad thing, yea, and in this case a bad
thing because sometimes I'm like, do these people literally have
like an old school iPod like hooked up and it's
just like some old school playlists, like you know, the
(36:28):
very like yacht rock kind of stuff. I'm like, right,
we got we got to pick it up a little bit. Yeah,
like read your audience, you know, like, don't be putting
this on replay. Like, so, you know what, I'm not
sure if LSU has an in house DJ. I want
to say they do, because you can always tell when
the DJs are like mixing and stuff in the stadium.
It's been a couple of years since I've been there, though,
(36:48):
but I would like to say they do. I'm gonna go,
I'm gonna go find it.
Speaker 3 (36:50):
It was like we might it feels on brand.
Speaker 4 (36:53):
It feels very on brand. But the in house DJ
is always crush it because like literally it feels like
you're just in a club. You're like in a club
with one hundred thousand people like about to.
Speaker 2 (37:04):
Just everybody's there for the same purpose. I try to
tell people, I'm like, there is nothing like for me
it was being in Tiger Stadium. There's nothing like that feeling.
So I can't imagine you every weekend the nerves would
be through the roof.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
For me, that is a big job.
Speaker 4 (37:19):
I feel for the players out there like actually doing it,
you know, like gosh, you know, every little thing that
you do is just under a microscope.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
Yeah, especially in the SEC. I always try to remind
myself these are like eighteen year olds, like we were
talking about earlier. I mean, college kids should not have
this much pressure, but they do for sure down.
Speaker 4 (37:38):
There and now with nil and you know all that,
like yeah, through the roof and so again. You know,
the times are changing, things are evolving. You have to
learn to kind of like flow with the times. But
sometimes I think it's okay to just step back and
be like you know what, like I'm gonna do this
my way and how I feel comfortable and how I
know best. And to your point, Kelly, you talk about
(37:59):
the the, the and both kind of thing. Just thinking
about that mindset to me is I think that without
walking through adversity, without going through the challenges, that gift
of gratitude doesn't show up on the other side. And
I think you have to walk through those things. You
have to feel the weight of that in order to
(38:21):
truly appreciate the gift of gratitude that comes on the
other side.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
I completely agree on that note, because I think that's
a great place to end. The book is called Shatterproof
How I overcame the shame of losing my parents to
opioid addiction and found my sideline shimmy. I will put
that in the description of this podcast for you guys, Lauren,
where can people keep up with you? Or if they're
interested in finding their sideline shimmy, where can they follow along?
Speaker 4 (38:44):
Yes, okay, laurensisl dot com. Of course you can hit
me up on my website. I get all my you know,
you can send me a note say hello whatever. Also
social media at Lauren Sister, my dms are open. I
always tell you to like, oh, your dms are open.
Sometimes it is hard. I gotta like siphon though a
lot of stuff, but eventually I'll get there. And I
would love to just connect and hear your story. And
(39:06):
I also have a newsletter, so if you want to
sign up for that, you can go to my website.
Just kind of some words of encouragement as you're walking
through this thing. But I would love to connect. I
would love to hear from you, and maybe we'll get
to sideline shoot me together.
Speaker 3 (39:19):
Yeah, I love it.
Speaker 2 (39:20):
Thank you so much for sharing with us and for
being here today. Thank you, Thank you guys for listening.
Speaker 1 (39:26):
Thanks for listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,
where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a
little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty
and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.
Host
Kelly Henderson
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