November 7, 2025 • 41 mins
Kelly and Chip unpack the idea that every relationship acts as a mirror—reflecting the patterns, wounds, and beliefs we carry inside. From dating to friendships to work dynamics, they explore how triggers can actually guide healing and self-growth when we stop blaming others and start looking inward. Expect real-life examples, humor, and the kind of self-awareness talk that makes you laugh while it hits deep.
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HOSTS:
Kelly Henderson // @velvetsedge // velvetsedge.com
Chip Dorsch // @chipdorsch
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
You know what.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
I'm just realizing you're not in the white room anymore. No,
I'm back in the office.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
Well I blurred because I hit blurred. Okay, you guys.
Speaker 3 (00:20):
For those who aren't watching, we record on Zoom and
I was playing around on Zoom the other day and
did a virtual background and I cannot figure out how
to turn it off. And I know all of you
are rolling your eyes because it's supposed to be really easy,
but it's not. And I've tried everything. I've googled everything,
I've gone into chat forums, I've deleted the app from
(00:41):
my computer or redownloaded, and it thinks I'm in this
like futuristic space building.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Well now you're just blurred in the well.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
It's blurred.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
But if I take it off of blur, it puts
me back in that white building.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
I thought that's what we decided.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Yeah, I'm back in there. I'm just office. I'm so corporate.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
I feel like, what's that show Severance, and like no one's.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Working with them.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
I'm like working really late at night because I'm trying
not to get severed or whatever.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
I haven't watched the show, but.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
You don't even know what good I don't even know
the show, but it does look like you.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
You wouldn't know then that you're being your any right now,
which is like a belly button belly button.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
The other interesting thing about what's happening is that your
head slightly disappears from time to time, like if you
lean too far one way, it goes out of frame
and then you get blurry and it's like or there's
double you. There's a lot going on with It's all
very weird.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
So I apologize. It may be this way for the
rest of this podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
It may be the rest of time for the rest
of it.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
I'm gonna I'm actively working on a solution, but there
may not be.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Well I said this to you. I mean, this is
almost kind of perfect because this week on the podcast
we had Marv and it was astrology based. It's all
about November astrology. And today when this podcast comes out,
is the first day of a very serious retrograde, and
I was like, well, you are just there.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
We go with a bang of I'm glad to be
on brand.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Yeah, you really are working with the astrology right now,
even if you don't want to.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
I don't even have to understand it.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
Like, in fact, it makes more sense if I don't,
because like I've tried, and I'm not.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
I don't think I'm stupid, but proving to.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Maybe be No, you're not. Astrology speak is just a
different kind of language, and until you learn the language,
it can be a little overwhelming. Yeah, I will say,
I feel like you've made a lot of progress in
unpacking the themes of astrology. I think what confuses you
is when I start throwing in like, well, this planet
is doing this and this is this.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
Planet is in this house. I'm like, how does a
planet get a house like it is?
Speaker 2 (02:41):
I don't understand, right, But that's why you and I
decided to start unpacking astrology with themes and how people
can apply the astrology that Marv gives and the lessons
that Marv gives maybe a little more tangibly to their life.
And so I was telling you one of the main
things Marvin I talked about about this month was the
(03:02):
reflection of relationships, like relationships as mirrors, and I know
I've talked about that a lot on this podcast and
how that has been my biggest teacher in this lifetime.
It's just seeing myself react in different relationships. I think
it's so easy for all of us to kind of throw, well,
that person's an asshole, or oh my god, my ex
is such a dick, you know, like we can easily
blame other people. But the point is we were also
(03:24):
in those relationships. So even if your ex or your
old bestie or your old cowork or your old boss
was terrible, they were probably here to teach you some
sort of lesson. And if you were actively participating in
the relationship, there probably is something that was being reflected
like you, you know, and so we have to take
a little bit of ownership there. But so I sent
(03:46):
you a bunch of like thoughts on that topic, and
I thought that your reaction was so interesting and we
should just be honest with the listeners about it, because
I think so many people probably feel the exact same
way that you do about this, And as you mention,
there can be a lot of shame that comes up
if you feel like, oh, I'm not doing this right
or doing it in the best way that I possibly could,
(04:07):
and that's there's no point in that, right, There's no
point in shaming ourselves about.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Any of it.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Yeah, I'm And what I said was you know I
when I read these things, I'm like, oh god, I
don't do relationships right, am I broken? And by saying
and I was like, I'm happy to talk about it
out loud, even though there is shame that comes along
with it. But I feel like maybe there's a reason
why I'm single. I'm not doing it right. So if
I want to find a healthy relationship, then I need
(04:35):
to do something differently. And it's funny like even just
as you were talking, I was thinking, like everyone says
relationships or work. Sure, yeah, and maybe the framing of
that is just not clear to people, Like we think
that we need to work really hard at the relationship,
but I think what the real work is you have
to work on yourself within a relationship. And that make
(04:59):
that's why it's hard, because none of us want to
look in the mirror ever and think that we're the problem.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
Absolutely not. And I think what you're saying is so
spot on because all like you can be coasting along
in your life and probably if you're single, this has
happened to me in my single days. I can think
I'm fucking nailing it, you know what I mean, Like
you're not getting triggered things are going the way you want,
you get the downtime that you want. You can live
life according to your own rhythms, your own rules, and
(05:28):
there's really no objection to that. Well, then when you
start into a relationship, it's not that necessarily your partner
has to add a bunch of problems to that. But
it's just another human with a whole other set of
ways of thinking, rhythms, needs, like all of those factors,
and so it does probably like bump up against yours
(05:51):
at some point. And so you have two choices. You
can either neglect the relationship and not work together, or
you can bump up against those things and kind of
self reflect and go, where is this asking me to grow?
What is this bringing up for me? Was that really
what was happening in this relationship? Or am I getting
triggered from an old relationship? Like there's always kind of
(06:13):
more of the story if you allow there to be
right face for that.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Yeah, well, and I think I know personally I'm guilty
of it. So I would hope that you know, I'm
not just some weird outlier. But I feel like because
it's a very natural thing to want to be right,
you know, So it's a very quick initial reaction when
something doesn't start to feel right in a relationship that
it's definitely the problem with the other person. Oh and
(06:40):
in those moments, is is that when a mirror moment?
Is that like a mirror moment where you have to
like look yourself in the mirror and be like, wait
a minute, Like I'm at an impasse here because of something.
I'm very quick to put the judgment on the person
that I'm in a relationship with and blame them. But
it's actually a moment where I can be like, wait,
(07:01):
how do I grow and change from this moment to
see if we.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Can get past it?
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Is that what a mirror moment is for me?
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Yes, Like, so I'll explain what I think a mirror
moment is. It's really hard for me to take you
seriously though, because half of your head.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
I'll meet me in season two of Severance or season three.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
I literally was focusing so hard on what you were
saying just then because it was a beautiful statement, but
half of your head kept disappearing, and so I kept
just wanting to dialog if I.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
Moved the right amount of way, like the microphone disappears.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
It's odd all of it.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
It's just I don't.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
Understand, like and it's the microphone is not moving, Okay.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
So let me remember where we were. I was gonna
explain to you what I believe a mirror moment is
the best way that I can think about it or
explain it is because because for me, I did not
get to this full understanding right away, like when people
used to say, like a tracts like or you can
only meet someone where you've only met yourself, you know,
like all of those statements. I remember being in really
(08:00):
dysfunctional relationships with people who had qualities that I was like,
I am nothing like this person, so how am How
is this the mirror? You know, because I thought that
it meant that someone else's bad behavior was also must
be what I do too, and it would be we
would be so different that that just could never click
(08:21):
for me, Like I did not get it for the
longest time. And then in the relationship I had before
this one, which was just a really terrible relationship for
me as far as like the level of health, it
ultimately taught me a ton about myself, but it was
just a really dysfunctional dynamic between the two of us,
and like I really really clicked with this mirror thing.
(08:42):
And it wasn't like, oh, you're like that person, or
he's even like you, you know, like we we really
didn't have very many similarities at all. But I think
what I would say is that certain behaviors would trigger
certain things in me, and like, like, for instance, let's
say you're in a relationship in You're like this person
doesn't pay me enough attention, Like they're constantly on the go,
(09:05):
they work all the time, they have so many hobbies
or whatever. I feel like I'm the bottom of the
totem pole and not important, and so that becomes a
massive fight between the two of you, you know, Like
let's say that's like the example. Well I used to think, well,
I don't do that to people, Like I value my relationships.
I prioritize people in my life, so even when it
(09:29):
would come at the sacrifice of my own needs, I
would be putting people in the position to either be
on a pedestal or whatever. So I was like, how
is that a mirror, you know whatever? But you know
what the mirror was. It wasn't that I did the
behavior in the same way. It was that I was
doing that to myself. I was putting myself at the
bottom of a totem pole. So of course I'm only
going to be attracted.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
By allowing that that pattern, yes, and allowing myself to
be in a relationship that wasn't showing up for me
or able to like participate in my life, you know,
like things like that, and so that would be the
thing that was being reflected.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
But it was because I was doing it to myself.
I was dismissing myself and my own needs. I was
putting myself at the bottom of the totem pole in life,
like everything in my life, work, whatever it was, relationships, friendships,
I don't know anything you could think of came before
myself and prioritizing my own needs. So if you're not
taking care of that and you're not showing up for yourself,
(10:30):
how could you possibly expect someone else to do the
same thing, you know, or to treat you any differently, right, right,
But that's the mirror. The mirror is about the same
behavior within you or what it's reflecting in you. Like
I'm trying to think of another example. If you get
cheated on, for instance, it's not like because you're not worthy,
(10:51):
but do you believe you're not worthy. It's always something
to do with someone else, you know.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
But it's like, well, and then you probably can mirror
the situation, like if you if being cheated on makes
you feel unworthy, then you start to treat yourself and
believe that you were unworthy. Like sometimes that is like
a I mean, would that be a mirror moment too, Well,
it could be.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
But it's ultimately like where did it first start for
you that you didn't think that you were valuable enough?
And like you just keep drawing in the same type
of partner until you heal the wound in you. But
like what I realized in that relationship that I was
describing that was so dysfunctional or whatever, it was so
good for me ultimately because it really brought me to
(11:36):
the truth about me with me right and after that
relationship it changed the entire way that I date, or
see relationships, or value relationships in my life or participate
in relationships. And I don't think I would have been
able to do that had I not healed whatever the
wounding was in me that I didn't value my own
(11:57):
self enough to not dismiss myself to like to take
care of my needs to do the self care that
I needed to be doing to prioritize for myself.
Speaker 3 (12:06):
It was your rock bottom in relationships like this was
a pattern that you were able to recognize that you
were doing. And finally at a point you were like,
wait a minute, like, I'm the common denominator, right.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
And I think it's tied up on that a little
bit because it's like, you know, when you're saying, oh,
I'm the common denominator, then it can feel like it
dismisses the painful behavior of the other side was participating in.
And it's like, no, that's not That never excuses bad
behavior from any partner or boss or friend or whatever.
(12:39):
But if you're the common denominator, you do have to
look at why do I keep showing up for relationships
like this? Or why do I keep picking relationships like this?
And that is what we have control over or that
is something that comes from something along the lines for us.
The question for you would be like when you were
talking about doing relationship, I'm doing air quotes right now
(13:01):
of like wrong or whatever, and there was just a
lot of shame. I think that came up. What was
that about, like specifically, because it it wasn't necessarily the
mirror thing.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
No, but I think it's like the depth of thought
when it comes to a particular situation and really getting
more caught up. I tend to get more caught up
in like what that moment is versus what that moment means.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
Okay, that's an example, because I'm not.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
Que I mean, like, if I don't want to get
too specific, well, I doubt my ex listens. But like,
you know, we would have this blow up fight that
was literally about nothing, and then there was a pattern
of apology, come back the next day, apologize I didn't
mean that, blah blah, and I would get so wrapped
up in like just the way that the fight went
(13:52):
down that I was just ang.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
I was just like, this is just stupid.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
It doesn't make any sense to me, rather than being like,
let me try to make sense of what actually is
what led.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Us to this?
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Right? Why are we repeating this pattern? Why is it
that something that is seemingly so stupid and benign actually
driving the wedge between us versus having the courage to
be like, maybe this just is we're not compatible, you know,
for whatever reason it is, and sort of wallowing in
the like you know, we're fighting for no reason.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
This is stupid.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
And so in hindsight, I think I failed because ultimately
this was a pattern in my last relationship and I
had to say, like, hey, the next time this happens,
like I'm done, Like I cannot continue to do this.
And I do think that was the right thing for
me to do, because it would have just been this
cycle of that repeating and apologies, and you know, words,
(14:48):
words and actions are two very different things, and the
actions were showing me this is not going to work.
But what I didn't do, in hindsight is really reflect on,
like how to we get to this pattern if I
really wanted to work through it, Like I feel like
I saw an exit strategy that made it easier, even
though that's not I didn't believe that that's what I wanted.
(15:10):
I thought that I wanted it to work. But I
feel like in hindsight, when I look back, and I'm like, well,
I took the exit ramp. Maybe I didn't want it
to work, and I was ignoring that and not working through.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
The real why of it all.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
So that's why I think there's shame and it feels
like failure in some ways because I know it wasn't
just him, Like there were reasons why he was coming
at me in the ways that he was doing it.
And rather than us sitting down and being like, hey,
let's figure this.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Out, like it was almost like I'm sorry, I.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
Won't do that again, and let's just move on and
we just go You just go right back to the
same place that you were.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
It wasn't there was no growth happening.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Well, because you're not actually healing the wound, right, So
you're just like putting the band aid on it and
it's going to come back up. Yeah, You're just like
putting the band aid on it and it's going to
come back up.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
But in some ways, I mean, it could have been
honestly a positive relationship for both of you if you
use it now. And it's like I would also wonder,
are these patterns that you've seen in other relationships, because
if so, that's what they say for us, is like
we'll keep picking the same thing until we heal the wound. Right,
And like mine always looked a little different, it looked
(16:35):
very different physically too, Like none of my boyfriend's ever
looked the same or anything like that. But when I
really got down to it, there was always an unavailability
or sometimes an addiction or you know whatever, Like I
had a very similar picker ultimately that would draw me
into these relationships. And it's because, like I was unavailable
to myself. So it's like, of course, I'm going to
(16:58):
keep drawing these things in till I heal that within me,
until I value myself enough to go, Yeah, if somebody
isn't available to me, I don't want to be in
that relationship. Like I don't need to sit here and
try to convince or say it a million different ways
so that they hear me. It's just like no, then
it's just probably not compatible, like you said, or it's
time to move on.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
But also, you know, I was sitting here even thinking
about the things that I just said, and I'm like, God,
how egotistical and like short sighted of me, Like by
taking the off ramp and not really digging into it
and picking the scab and trying to understand where it
is all coming from, Like I just put it all
(17:41):
on him, like you're the I'm like by me saying
the next time you do this, I'm out sure, Like
is a defense mechanism because at a certain point, like
you can only take an apology so many times, but
we were never really working through what the real issue was. Yeah,
and all I was doing of saying, you have to
fix this or we're done. And I guess I owe
(18:04):
him an apology for that, like and but now it's
a realization in me that I'm like, okay, Like I
have to in those moments in the future. I have
to recognize whether or not I really want to fix it,
because if I don't want to fix the relationship, then
it should be one of those things where it's like, hey,
let's just we've enjoyed our time together, let's not waste
(18:26):
any more of each other's time, or say, hey, what's
the real issue here? And why am I having trouble
coping with it or working through it or whatever it is.
So I think it would be interesting for me to
sit with myself. I mean, I don't those feelings and
a lot of those things are so far in the
past now that I don't know that I could dredge
it up to like really put myself under the microscope.
(18:48):
Because clearly, however he was acting was in reaction to
however I was treating him. He was not a broken
person that would just crack, you know, like in those
moments like it had something to do with me, But
in the end, I was just like, you're the one
acting this way. You got to fix it otherwise I'm out,
and and I don't regret that decision, but I don't
(19:09):
think that I handled it in the best way for me.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
Eas some of your shame from what I'm hearing, has
just been about the fact that you probably didn't reflect,
and that's what you're talking about, Like, di, am I
doing this right? And I think I think it's like,
of course you're doing it now. You might do it
different tomorrow, you know, like we can only do what
we know until we know better, like that Maya Angelou quote,
and it's like when you know better, do better. And
(19:35):
so like now you do. And like you said, you
can always go back and try to make amends or
not necessarily that to get back together, but if you
feel like you owe that, like that is an option.
But it's reminding me a little bit of what we
talked about last week about the Tyis Gibson podcast and
how we're just not really taught the reality of relationships, right, so,
like we just think you're supposed to have this picture
(19:57):
perfect thing or I go do I remember thinking, Oh,
I've been in therapy for such a long time, I'm
just gonna have the most magical, easy relationship that's just
going to PLoP into my life, and Tah, everything's gonna
be great, you know, because I've really been working on myself.
And sure every time I go to therapy or went
to therapy and did work on myself and did all
(20:19):
the other stuff that I've done, you learn stuff, right,
but are you integrating it into your life? Like is
it actually being applied into your relationships? And like the
only way to do that is to practice and to
learn and to keep doing it on repeat. And like,
I mean, I think I talk about on here all
the time how I feel like I'm in the best
relationship I've ever been in. But it's not because we
(20:41):
don't bump up against each other.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
It's more just figure in our relationship.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
Or make repair when this stuff comes up, like what
you're saying about your past one, instead of just shutting
it down and being like this can't happen again, being
like why does this keep happening? Like getting really curious
about what was going on for both both of y'all
in those moments and like triggering it and then trying
to own your part of it, like they say you're
side of the street, like take care of your side
(21:07):
of the street, and like it's still uncomfortable, you know, like,
and nobody gets it exactly right all the time, and
so it's just an interesting concept to continue thinking about
what is this reflecting to me? And if I am
acting out or acting out of a trigger in some
sort of way, how can I take ownership of that
and like do something different. And that's where I found
(21:30):
the most joy. Even though it sounds like a lot
of work, It's like that is actually where you start
to meet each other at a whole new depth that
you probably couldn't have before, you know.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
Yeah, I mean it's there's a lot of surrender in
it too, totally, you know, like because I know I
was often operating in a point of defensiveness, which automatically
made me feel like I was in the right, because
when you feel like something is being done to you,
(22:02):
it's often hard to see.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
The role that you're playing in it because.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
You're like, this is happening, I had nothing to do
with this, right, Like you're acting crazy, But in hindsight,
it's like, no, you have to kind of like really
surrender to the like the relationship is what's happening, and
then you are just two ingredients in that relationship. You're
taking energy from each other and it's never just a
(22:26):
one way street.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Oh and the hard part is because I think I'm
probably on the opposite side of the scale than you
by nature, like you will go to defensive and shut down,
and I'm the emotional one in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
You're like, we're going to talk about that, Well, let's talk.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
I'm crying, I'm feeling all the things. I'm angry or whatever,
and I can't just not talk about stuff or like
dive in or feel it. And I think it can
go with what you're saying about how you're like, well,
I would just get defensive. So I think I'm right.
The person with the big feelings often gets made out
to be crazy, and it's like, I'm not reacting to
(23:01):
nothing like that's what I've always said. I'm just pulling
this out of my ass to pick a fight for fun.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
Yeah, I don't enjoy this, right, So.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
I think it is very reflective of you to say
that about or to have that awareness just that some
of the defensiveness could be protecting almost even too.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
Yeah, I mean, do you think any of this is
male female energy situation?
Speaker 2 (23:24):
I mean I do, and I think it often can be.
If you know anything about attachment theory, like the anxious
person is probably always going to be the one approaching
more or feeling the bigger emotions, and then the avoidant
would be doing something like what you're describing, where you're defensive.
You shut it down, you say, if this happens again,
we're done. You know, there's the threats of abandonment because
(23:45):
of that and and those kind of things. So I
think there's a lot of factors. But I don't think
it's probably all men and all women. But I do
think in some situations, yeah, like guys are more programmed
to not be overly emotional, so they're just to shut
it down.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
I feel like normally I probably wouldn't have thought in
such a blanket way, but like you're a female, I'm
a male, and just looking at how different we are.
But I do think it's just in my friendships. I
feel like my female friends are much more likely to
challenge me and try and get me to a place
(24:22):
of surrender or vulnerability to talk about what I'm feeling,
whereas that's not necessarily with my male friends.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
You know, that's not to say that it.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
Doesn't exist, because I definitely have to male friendships than others.
But I feel like there is definitely a masculine feminine
thing in that dynamic, which is interesting when you think
about like me being in a same sex relationship, like
you have two people that are struggling, probably with the
same lack of ability of communication or access to those
(24:53):
feelings or those emotions or whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
And it's also just programming because I think like, as
women we are I can tell you, I'm just kidding, No,
I think that women are. Women's emotions are more embraced
throughout childhood, our lifetime, and you guys were taught from
(25:18):
day one like don't feel.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Be tough, swallow it. Yeah, yeah, all.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
That kind of stuff. And so it always it always
makes me think of that joke where I mean, my boyfriend,
I laugh about this all the time because if one
of his friends is going through something like let's say
one of his friends was going through divorce and they
go play golf, and I know everyone listening has seen
these memes on Instagram and stuff like that, because this
is so active in so many male and female relationships.
(25:43):
But they'll go play golf and he comes home and
he's like, oh my god, Todd's getting divorced, and like,
if that was said to me, I'd be like, oh
my god, what happened? Why? And he'd be like, I
don't know. He just said it just wasn't working out.
And I'm like, wait, well when did this happen? And well,
you know, what was the cat Like did she want it?
Or did he follow?
Speaker 3 (26:02):
What?
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Like I have a million questions, well a hundred. He's
always just like, I don't know, ma'am. I just like
I just know the broad I just know the fact.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
Yeah, And like you guys just don't necessarily dive into
the deeper things. And especially I think a lot of
men don't want to push if it is a sensitive
topic because they're like, it's not my place, Whereas I'm like,
oh no, I'm fucking getting in there with you. We
need to know you're let's say.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Take you off for stay in a while.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Yeah exactly.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
It goes the under the blanket because we're going to
be here a minute.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
So I'm putting on Delilah if only mm hmmm.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
Yeah, So I think I think it could be a
little bit male and female, but I don't think that's
just across the board.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
I definitely think it definitely played into my last relationship,
the fact that was like two males and we also
had like very similar even though we didn't grow up
in similar regions, like we had pretty similar backgrounds. We
were a lot alike in a lot of ways, and
I think being a strong presence that actually is pushing
down your feelings was true for both of us.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Yeah, yeah, wildly.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (27:11):
So I mean that's not the type of mirroring I
want to do, though, Like I actually googled before we
got on, like what is a mirror moment? One is
like a literary thing, and it's like where a character
(27:31):
like reaches a point in a story where they're like
you have to.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
Go right or left.
Speaker 3 (27:36):
You know, you either stay on the path or you
do the thing to fix what's wrong, And one of
them makes you a failure, one of them makes you
a hero.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
So that's a mirror moment.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
But this one, I mean, it's just an AI generated
thing that says it's a moment of sudden clarity where
a person sees himself or their situation in a new,
often unexpected light, leading to self discovery or change in perspective.
Which that made more sense in this context to me,
you know, versus the sort of narrative version of it.
(28:04):
But it's it's different than the idea of mirroring to
my I guess it is kind of mirroring to yourself
because you're seeing yourself in a new perspective suddenly. But
I guess that's kind of a singular view of it too.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
I don't know, you're talking to yourself in circles right now. Yeah,
I'm going to go with this is I'm.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
Like looking at myself on the screen. I'm like, this
is a mirror? Am I the only one here?
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Well, you're like looking at yourself on the screen, and
you're like, am I going to be a tree? Or
am I gonna going to blend into the office right now?
Speaker 3 (28:34):
Like?
Speaker 2 (28:34):
Which every way you shift? We really don't know. It's
a guessing game. I mean, I think the way that
I look at it too, though we're talking about it
in relation to love relationships right now, But I look
at it all the time in my life because it's
coming up literally all the time. Like there was a
work situation last week that was really difficult and I
(28:56):
got removed from this job because the producer and I
it was just this whole thing and it was not
my fault, and I got pissed because of that, like
it was something that was not on me, but I
was getting blamed for you took the fall, yes, And
in the past, I have just taken the fall, and
I've just tried to do, you know what I can
(29:18):
do behind the scenes to make myself work through that
or be the bigger person. And it was so interesting
because I was like, huh, here is that thing again.
I'm bumping up against that same situation where someone is
literally trying to tell me something that happened that didn't happen,
or they're trying to say, you know, this is something
(29:40):
that's required of you, and I'm like, that was never discussed,
like none of it was there, and blame me gas
like me all the stuff, and I would have just
taken that in the past, but I was like, you
know what, this is not today, Satan. Yeah. So I
literally was like not today, Satan, and my agent went
on and handled some things about it, and I stood
up for myself. It didn't matter for that job, and
(30:02):
that was okay, that was a gift in disguise, but
it just it just I felt like it was an
invitation for me to do something different than I would
have done in the past. And that's all the mirror
thing is. It's like, why is this coming up in
your life? And like this is what I said with Marv.
It's just like why is it here? Because nothing is
just coming in by mistake, right, So if it's something
(30:22):
you've already been through, maybe you're being invited to do
it differently. And then if it's something you've been doing
differently and then it comes up again, it's like maybe
that's a test to be like ye, sure you sure
are going to keep doing it that way, you know,
And like it's just this ever evolving road of that.
And I don't think that we ever just like get
to this destination where we have this all figured out.
(30:43):
I think some of it gets easier, but it's just
this process and that's like the life journey.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Well, I mean, honestly, the hearing you say it that
way is there's real like.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Peace in totally.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
There's peace in the not feeling stuck of it all
because look, you could you could have in that moment
said fuck it, I just I need the job. I'm
going to keep my mouth shut. But then you go
home and you're like mad at yourself.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
You're not going myself.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
Yeah, there's no growth there.
Speaker 3 (31:14):
So even the path, even though that the path that
you chose in the moment is more difficult, and and
you're teaching yourself, hey, you can do hard things and
you can survive it. It also opens the door for
like more difficult moments that you're going to have to
address in your life because you're finally giving yourself the permission.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
To do it.
Speaker 3 (31:32):
But the whole time, you're growing as a human, whereas
if you're not doing that, you're just a stagnant human
being that's letting life happen to you.
Speaker 2 (31:41):
That right there, to me is the whole power of
this mirror dynamic. Because you said it brings peace, and
I was thinking, the other thing I think it brings
is it brings you your power back. Right, It's like
taking your power back of your life because you're taking
ownership for what's happening in your life and it's like
like in that your fault or not, well, you're because
(32:02):
like in that work situation, I was being blamed for
something I didn't do, but I was not willing to
own her feelings or her like projection or gas lighting
or whatever. And if I had and I just settled
and like stayed back and said okay, okay, okay, like
what I would have done in the past, I would
have just stuffed my voice way back down my throat
(32:22):
into my stomach. Like I have that pit feeling right
now even describing it, because I'm abandoning myself again, which
is what I had such a pattern of doing. And
so really, after it all got said and done and
I did something different, what I felt was like okay,
like I actually felt grateful for her again, you know,
like I wasn't angry anymore because I was like, this
(32:44):
was a good opportunity for me. Like yeah, mentor of
mine calls them another growth opportunity or sometimes another fucking
growth opportunity, depending on the one it is. But it's
just like there's always these growth opportunities, do we want
to take them or not? And we don't always do
it perfectly, but like I do really feel like the
opportunities are always there, and so are you paying attention
(33:06):
to what's being reflected to.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
You or not?
Speaker 3 (33:08):
Yeah, Well it's funny too, is I keep the phrase
like you know, I'm sure my mom and dad said
this to me a million times, but like they'd be like,
you need to go in the bathroom and look, give
yourself a good hard look in.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
The mirror and figure it out. Yeah, And so like
that too, is like I mean, I know it's that
is like a literal mirror moment.
Speaker 3 (33:29):
But when you know they and they also tell you,
like start your day by looking yourself in the mirror
and be like it's gonna be a good day. And
it's there's a lot of power in that because you're
with yourself, like there is nothing between you and that
mirror that can come between your feelings and your thoughts
and your emotions at that time. And it's a really
(33:49):
powerful like device. And so I think it's like it
could just be a tool. And you know, if the
example that you gave from this last job, if you
had walked into the bathroom and looked yourself in the
mirror and have been like, Kelly fucking Henderson, are you.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
Gonna letitch walk all over you today? Are you gonna
show them what you're made of?
Speaker 3 (34:09):
And that's really kind of exactly what that is in
a very figurative way.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
No, it was, and that is actually what I did.
I didn't physically looking on video, I didn't. I know,
I didn't physically do it, but in my head, it
just like I got really pissed at first, you know,
like emotions always are. The first thing that happened for
me is like the ugh, and I'm like, what the
hell is happening here? Then I second guessed myself. That's
(34:35):
my other pattern as I go back into like I'm like, well,
maybe you're not seeing this clearly, I questioned myself, and
then it dawned on me. No, this is the same
situation where someone is trying to tell you the reality
that you are living is not the reality, and like
it's gaslighting is the easier way to say that. And
you have a choice here. You can go along with
(34:55):
it or you can do something different. And it was
scary for me. I know it might not be for everyone,
but like it's it still takes me practice to stand
up for myself and feel like I deserve to be
stood up for like, there is something in me that
always goes, oh, but maybe I'm like overstepping or maybe
I'm being you know, like unfair or whatever, like I'll
(35:15):
always kind of have that back of my voice thing.
And I've really stayed with myself on this one and
just thought, no, I will not keep doing this in
my life. I know where that leads, Like me doing that,
I know what that's going to feel like next week,
But me standing up for myself and doing something different
is gonna feel maybe better. I don't know. We'll give
(35:37):
it a go and see what.
Speaker 3 (35:39):
Well. I mean, you certainly don't grow without trying new things,
you know, doing it differently. So yeah, well, I can't
wait to get the full story when we're not on
the air.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
Let's just say she's probably not gonna call me again, but.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
That's okay whatever.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
Yeah, anyway, I just think it's always as you were saying, like,
there's no need to feel about this, But I do
think it's important to talk about all of the different
things that instead of walking through life just gate like
glazed over in a haze and not paying attention to
some of the patterns, like really just going on the
journey of life school and learning how to show up
(36:17):
for yourself and your relationships in whatever way feels right
and keep growing, like just to keep looking at it,
you know, like it doesn't have to be it's not
going to be fixed overnight or perfect ever. So it's
not about that, but just the reflection piece.
Speaker 1 (36:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (36:31):
Well it's funny too because it's you know, I feel
like I have a pattern of wanting to find people
or relationships that are easy, and in hindsight, I'm looking
back and I'm like, the best thing for me is
to find someone, try to date someone who's going to
challenge me and force me to do things differently, that
(36:53):
is more combative, and because for me it's I want
the Prince Charming, everything's perfect right.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
Out of everybody.
Speaker 3 (37:00):
Yeah, but like we don't we never fight, we don't
do any of that stuff. But really what I need
is someone that is going to like push me to
grow and change and reflect and all of those things.
So this is I mean to me, it's been a
really enlightening conversation. I don't know if it's been that
way or if I've just talked in circles for the listeners,
(37:22):
but it's been really enlightening because it's maybe I need
to be not scared of being in a relationship, but
scared of the relationship in some like there should be
some level of fear of it not being comfortable. So
welcoming the discomfort of being in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (37:42):
I think that's a good way to say it, because
it's not I mean, we all want to be comfortable.
But like, again, this reminds me back to the six
stages of a relationship. We do have this magical thinking
about what a relationship should look like. And easy is
like an interesting word. I think it used to always
be thrown on my pace. I just want peace, But
if you're not willing to show up in a way
(38:05):
that brings that to the relationship, that's also something to
think about. Like, all the people who would say that
to me were the most unpeaceful people right in this world.
And it's like I can't just bring something to your
life that you are not so like, I mean.
Speaker 3 (38:20):
Really, when someone's saying that they just want someone they
think is hot that will have sex with them, they
don't want to be in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (38:26):
Yeah, And it's just like they don't want to actually
have to show up for their relationship. That's very one
sided to just be like, well I just need this
to be easier, you know, like this is going to
be over or whatever. It's just like, well, people are people.
People are humans. We all have needs, we all have
like bad.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
Days, all have outside forces, jobs, stress.
Speaker 2 (38:45):
Family, right, so like stuff is going to come up.
That's just reality. So yeah, different way to think about it.
I mean, I feel like this is this was an
interesting chat, and I like that you. I like that
you honest about just having the shame at the beginning,
because I think a lot of people, including myself, have
definitely felt that because we all we do want to
(39:07):
get it right.
Speaker 3 (39:08):
Ult and I think it's a really natural thing, like
when you when a relationships ends, it's really easy to
like look yourself in the mirror and be like even
though it's natural to really want to just blame them,
because it's then you don't have to carry any of
the shame, but also to silently be like, well maybe
I'm not cut out for this, like maybe I am
meant to be single. Maybe I don't know what I'm
(39:29):
doing or how to be in a relationship. And I
think it's important to share that because if that's what
a lot of people are feeling that it's proof that
it has nothing to do with you, you know, like
not nothing like, because we obviously all need to grow,
but it's not just about you, like and addressing that
shame and being honest about it is the only way
(39:50):
around it, really, you know, otherwise you're just going to
wallow in it.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
Yeah. I don't think anyone's not cut out for relationship.
I think it's just like, how how much are you
willing to work on yourself and to keep growing?
Speaker 1 (40:02):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (40:03):
Yeah, anyway, if you guys are curious this The reason
this came up is because Marvi and I discussed that
this theme would be happening a lot in November with
the astrology and just to really use the reflections that
are being mirrored to you to your advantage and to
actually work with it versus to feel like life is
happening to you, like Chip said earlier. So go listen
(40:25):
to the podcast with Marv you'll get a deeper dive
into the themes astrologically coming for us on November, and
you can always email us at the edge at velveted
dot com if you have any other thoughts on mirrors
or how that shows up in your life, the reflections
that come to you through relationships, Like I'm always curious
about what you guys are thinking too, so email us
at the Edge at velvetedge dot com. You can also
(40:47):
hit me up on Instagram. I'm at Velvet's Edge, Chip, I'm.
Speaker 1 (40:50):
At Chip Doors. It's Chip d r.
Speaker 2 (40:53):
Scch and our group can't ever do this fart right?
And our podcast Instagram thank you, I was having a
brain malfunction is at Velvet's Edge podcast. So again, all
of that will be in the description of this podcast
for you guys. And as you guys go into the
weekend and you're living on the edge, I hope you
always remember to at Catule. Bye bye,
You know what.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
I'm just realizing you're not in the white room anymore. No,
I'm back in the office.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
Well I blurred because I hit blurred. Okay, you guys.
Speaker 3 (00:20):
For those who aren't watching, we record on Zoom and
I was playing around on Zoom the other day and
did a virtual background and I cannot figure out how
to turn it off. And I know all of you
are rolling your eyes because it's supposed to be really easy,
but it's not. And I've tried everything. I've googled everything,
I've gone into chat forums, I've deleted the app from
(00:41):
my computer or redownloaded, and it thinks I'm in this
like futuristic space building.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Well now you're just blurred in the well.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
It's blurred.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
But if I take it off of blur, it puts
me back in that white building.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
I thought that's what we decided.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Yeah, I'm back in there. I'm just office. I'm so corporate.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
I feel like, what's that show Severance, and like no one's.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Working with them.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
I'm like working really late at night because I'm trying
not to get severed or whatever.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
I haven't watched the show, but.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
You don't even know what good I don't even know
the show, but it does look like you.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
You wouldn't know then that you're being your any right now,
which is like a belly button belly button.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
The other interesting thing about what's happening is that your
head slightly disappears from time to time, like if you
lean too far one way, it goes out of frame
and then you get blurry and it's like or there's
double you. There's a lot going on with It's all
very weird.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
So I apologize. It may be this way for the
rest of this podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
It may be the rest of time for the rest
of it.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
I'm gonna I'm actively working on a solution, but there
may not be.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Well I said this to you. I mean, this is
almost kind of perfect because this week on the podcast
we had Marv and it was astrology based. It's all
about November astrology. And today when this podcast comes out,
is the first day of a very serious retrograde, and
I was like, well, you are just there.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
We go with a bang of I'm glad to be
on brand.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Yeah, you really are working with the astrology right now,
even if you don't want to.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
I don't even have to understand it.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
Like, in fact, it makes more sense if I don't,
because like I've tried, and I'm not.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
I don't think I'm stupid, but proving to.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Maybe be No, you're not. Astrology speak is just a
different kind of language, and until you learn the language,
it can be a little overwhelming. Yeah, I will say,
I feel like you've made a lot of progress in
unpacking the themes of astrology. I think what confuses you
is when I start throwing in like, well, this planet
is doing this and this is this.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
Planet is in this house. I'm like, how does a
planet get a house like it is?
Speaker 2 (02:41):
I don't understand, right, But that's why you and I
decided to start unpacking astrology with themes and how people
can apply the astrology that Marv gives and the lessons
that Marv gives maybe a little more tangibly to their life.
And so I was telling you one of the main
things Marvin I talked about about this month was the
(03:02):
reflection of relationships, like relationships as mirrors, and I know
I've talked about that a lot on this podcast and
how that has been my biggest teacher in this lifetime.
It's just seeing myself react in different relationships. I think
it's so easy for all of us to kind of throw, well,
that person's an asshole, or oh my god, my ex
is such a dick, you know, like we can easily
blame other people. But the point is we were also
(03:24):
in those relationships. So even if your ex or your
old bestie or your old cowork or your old boss
was terrible, they were probably here to teach you some
sort of lesson. And if you were actively participating in
the relationship, there probably is something that was being reflected
like you, you know, and so we have to take
a little bit of ownership there. But so I sent
(03:46):
you a bunch of like thoughts on that topic, and
I thought that your reaction was so interesting and we
should just be honest with the listeners about it, because
I think so many people probably feel the exact same
way that you do about this, And as you mention,
there can be a lot of shame that comes up
if you feel like, oh, I'm not doing this right
or doing it in the best way that I possibly could,
(04:07):
and that's there's no point in that, right, There's no
point in shaming ourselves about.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Any of it.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Yeah, I'm And what I said was you know I
when I read these things, I'm like, oh god, I
don't do relationships right, am I broken? And by saying
and I was like, I'm happy to talk about it
out loud, even though there is shame that comes along
with it. But I feel like maybe there's a reason
why I'm single. I'm not doing it right. So if
I want to find a healthy relationship, then I need
(04:35):
to do something differently. And it's funny like even just
as you were talking, I was thinking, like everyone says
relationships or work. Sure, yeah, and maybe the framing of
that is just not clear to people, Like we think
that we need to work really hard at the relationship,
but I think what the real work is you have
to work on yourself within a relationship. And that make
(04:59):
that's why it's hard, because none of us want to
look in the mirror ever and think that we're the problem.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
Absolutely not. And I think what you're saying is so
spot on because all like you can be coasting along
in your life and probably if you're single, this has
happened to me in my single days. I can think
I'm fucking nailing it, you know what I mean, Like
you're not getting triggered things are going the way you want,
you get the downtime that you want. You can live
life according to your own rhythms, your own rules, and
(05:28):
there's really no objection to that. Well, then when you
start into a relationship, it's not that necessarily your partner
has to add a bunch of problems to that. But
it's just another human with a whole other set of
ways of thinking, rhythms, needs, like all of those factors,
and so it does probably like bump up against yours
(05:51):
at some point. And so you have two choices. You
can either neglect the relationship and not work together, or
you can bump up against those things and kind of
self reflect and go, where is this asking me to grow?
What is this bringing up for me? Was that really
what was happening in this relationship? Or am I getting
triggered from an old relationship? Like there's always kind of
(06:13):
more of the story if you allow there to be
right face for that.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Yeah, well, and I think I know personally I'm guilty
of it. So I would hope that you know, I'm
not just some weird outlier. But I feel like because
it's a very natural thing to want to be right,
you know, So it's a very quick initial reaction when
something doesn't start to feel right in a relationship that
it's definitely the problem with the other person. Oh and
(06:40):
in those moments, is is that when a mirror moment?
Is that like a mirror moment where you have to
like look yourself in the mirror and be like, wait
a minute, Like I'm at an impasse here because of something.
I'm very quick to put the judgment on the person
that I'm in a relationship with and blame them. But
it's actually a moment where I can be like, wait,
(07:01):
how do I grow and change from this moment to
see if we.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Can get past it?
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Is that what a mirror moment is for me?
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Yes, Like, so I'll explain what I think a mirror
moment is. It's really hard for me to take you
seriously though, because half of your head.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
I'll meet me in season two of Severance or season three.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
I literally was focusing so hard on what you were
saying just then because it was a beautiful statement, but
half of your head kept disappearing, and so I kept
just wanting to dialog if I.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
Moved the right amount of way, like the microphone disappears.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
It's odd all of it.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
It's just I don't.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
Understand, like and it's the microphone is not moving, Okay.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
So let me remember where we were. I was gonna
explain to you what I believe a mirror moment is
the best way that I can think about it or
explain it is because because for me, I did not
get to this full understanding right away, like when people
used to say, like a tracts like or you can
only meet someone where you've only met yourself, you know,
like all of those statements. I remember being in really
(08:00):
dysfunctional relationships with people who had qualities that I was like,
I am nothing like this person, so how am How
is this the mirror? You know, because I thought that
it meant that someone else's bad behavior was also must
be what I do too, and it would be we
would be so different that that just could never click
(08:21):
for me, Like I did not get it for the
longest time. And then in the relationship I had before
this one, which was just a really terrible relationship for
me as far as like the level of health, it
ultimately taught me a ton about myself, but it was
just a really dysfunctional dynamic between the two of us,
and like I really really clicked with this mirror thing.
(08:42):
And it wasn't like, oh, you're like that person, or
he's even like you, you know, like we we really
didn't have very many similarities at all. But I think
what I would say is that certain behaviors would trigger
certain things in me, and like, like, for instance, let's
say you're in a relationship in You're like this person
doesn't pay me enough attention, Like they're constantly on the go,
(09:05):
they work all the time, they have so many hobbies
or whatever. I feel like I'm the bottom of the
totem pole and not important, and so that becomes a
massive fight between the two of you, you know, Like
let's say that's like the example. Well I used to think, well,
I don't do that to people, Like I value my relationships.
I prioritize people in my life, so even when it
(09:29):
would come at the sacrifice of my own needs, I
would be putting people in the position to either be
on a pedestal or whatever. So I was like, how
is that a mirror, you know whatever? But you know
what the mirror was. It wasn't that I did the
behavior in the same way. It was that I was
doing that to myself. I was putting myself at the
bottom of a totem pole. So of course I'm only
going to be attracted.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
By allowing that that pattern, yes, and allowing myself to
be in a relationship that wasn't showing up for me
or able to like participate in my life, you know,
like things like that, and so that would be the
thing that was being reflected.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
But it was because I was doing it to myself.
I was dismissing myself and my own needs. I was
putting myself at the bottom of the totem pole in life,
like everything in my life, work, whatever it was, relationships, friendships,
I don't know anything you could think of came before
myself and prioritizing my own needs. So if you're not
taking care of that and you're not showing up for yourself,
(10:30):
how could you possibly expect someone else to do the
same thing, you know, or to treat you any differently, right, right,
But that's the mirror. The mirror is about the same
behavior within you or what it's reflecting in you. Like
I'm trying to think of another example. If you get
cheated on, for instance, it's not like because you're not worthy,
(10:51):
but do you believe you're not worthy. It's always something
to do with someone else, you know.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
But it's like, well, and then you probably can mirror
the situation, like if you if being cheated on makes
you feel unworthy, then you start to treat yourself and
believe that you were unworthy. Like sometimes that is like
a I mean, would that be a mirror moment too, Well,
it could be.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
But it's ultimately like where did it first start for
you that you didn't think that you were valuable enough?
And like you just keep drawing in the same type
of partner until you heal the wound in you. But
like what I realized in that relationship that I was
describing that was so dysfunctional or whatever, it was so
good for me ultimately because it really brought me to
(11:36):
the truth about me with me right and after that
relationship it changed the entire way that I date, or
see relationships, or value relationships in my life or participate
in relationships. And I don't think I would have been
able to do that had I not healed whatever the
wounding was in me that I didn't value my own
(11:57):
self enough to not dismiss myself to like to take
care of my needs to do the self care that
I needed to be doing to prioritize for myself.
Speaker 3 (12:06):
It was your rock bottom in relationships like this was
a pattern that you were able to recognize that you
were doing. And finally at a point you were like,
wait a minute, like, I'm the common denominator, right.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
And I think it's tied up on that a little
bit because it's like, you know, when you're saying, oh,
I'm the common denominator, then it can feel like it
dismisses the painful behavior of the other side was participating in.
And it's like, no, that's not That never excuses bad
behavior from any partner or boss or friend or whatever.
(12:39):
But if you're the common denominator, you do have to
look at why do I keep showing up for relationships
like this? Or why do I keep picking relationships like this?
And that is what we have control over or that
is something that comes from something along the lines for us.
The question for you would be like when you were
talking about doing relationship, I'm doing air quotes right now
(13:01):
of like wrong or whatever, and there was just a
lot of shame. I think that came up. What was
that about, like specifically, because it it wasn't necessarily the
mirror thing.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
No, but I think it's like the depth of thought
when it comes to a particular situation and really getting
more caught up. I tend to get more caught up
in like what that moment is versus what that moment means.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
Okay, that's an example, because I'm not.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
Que I mean, like, if I don't want to get
too specific, well, I doubt my ex listens. But like,
you know, we would have this blow up fight that
was literally about nothing, and then there was a pattern
of apology, come back the next day, apologize I didn't
mean that, blah blah, and I would get so wrapped
up in like just the way that the fight went
(13:52):
down that I was just ang.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
I was just like, this is just stupid.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
It doesn't make any sense to me, rather than being like,
let me try to make sense of what actually is
what led.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Us to this?
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Right? Why are we repeating this pattern? Why is it
that something that is seemingly so stupid and benign actually
driving the wedge between us versus having the courage to
be like, maybe this just is we're not compatible, you know,
for whatever reason it is, and sort of wallowing in
the like you know, we're fighting for no reason.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
This is stupid.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
And so in hindsight, I think I failed because ultimately
this was a pattern in my last relationship and I
had to say, like, hey, the next time this happens,
like I'm done, Like I cannot continue to do this.
And I do think that was the right thing for
me to do, because it would have just been this
cycle of that repeating and apologies, and you know, words,
(14:48):
words and actions are two very different things, and the
actions were showing me this is not going to work.
But what I didn't do, in hindsight is really reflect on,
like how to we get to this pattern if I
really wanted to work through it, Like I feel like
I saw an exit strategy that made it easier, even
though that's not I didn't believe that that's what I wanted.
(15:10):
I thought that I wanted it to work. But I
feel like in hindsight, when I look back, and I'm like, well,
I took the exit ramp. Maybe I didn't want it
to work, and I was ignoring that and not working through.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
The real why of it all.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
So that's why I think there's shame and it feels
like failure in some ways because I know it wasn't
just him, Like there were reasons why he was coming
at me in the ways that he was doing it.
And rather than us sitting down and being like, hey,
let's figure this.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Out, like it was almost like I'm sorry, I.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
Won't do that again, and let's just move on and
we just go You just go right back to the
same place that you were.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
It wasn't there was no growth happening.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Well, because you're not actually healing the wound, right, So
you're just like putting the band aid on it and
it's going to come back up. Yeah, You're just like
putting the band aid on it and it's going to
come back up.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
But in some ways, I mean, it could have been
honestly a positive relationship for both of you if you
use it now. And it's like I would also wonder,
are these patterns that you've seen in other relationships, because
if so, that's what they say for us, is like
we'll keep picking the same thing until we heal the wound. Right,
And like mine always looked a little different, it looked
(16:35):
very different physically too, Like none of my boyfriend's ever
looked the same or anything like that. But when I
really got down to it, there was always an unavailability
or sometimes an addiction or you know whatever, Like I
had a very similar picker ultimately that would draw me
into these relationships. And it's because, like I was unavailable
to myself. So it's like, of course, I'm going to
(16:58):
keep drawing these things in till I heal that within me,
until I value myself enough to go, Yeah, if somebody
isn't available to me, I don't want to be in
that relationship. Like I don't need to sit here and
try to convince or say it a million different ways
so that they hear me. It's just like no, then
it's just probably not compatible, like you said, or it's
time to move on.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
But also, you know, I was sitting here even thinking
about the things that I just said, and I'm like, God,
how egotistical and like short sighted of me, Like by
taking the off ramp and not really digging into it
and picking the scab and trying to understand where it
is all coming from, Like I just put it all
(17:41):
on him, like you're the I'm like by me saying
the next time you do this, I'm out sure, Like
is a defense mechanism because at a certain point, like
you can only take an apology so many times, but
we were never really working through what the real issue was. Yeah,
and all I was doing of saying, you have to
fix this or we're done. And I guess I owe
(18:04):
him an apology for that, like and but now it's
a realization in me that I'm like, okay, Like I
have to in those moments in the future. I have
to recognize whether or not I really want to fix it,
because if I don't want to fix the relationship, then
it should be one of those things where it's like, hey,
let's just we've enjoyed our time together, let's not waste
(18:26):
any more of each other's time, or say, hey, what's
the real issue here? And why am I having trouble
coping with it or working through it or whatever it is.
So I think it would be interesting for me to
sit with myself. I mean, I don't those feelings and
a lot of those things are so far in the
past now that I don't know that I could dredge
it up to like really put myself under the microscope.
(18:48):
Because clearly, however he was acting was in reaction to
however I was treating him. He was not a broken
person that would just crack, you know, like in those
moments like it had something to do with me, But
in the end, I was just like, you're the one
acting this way. You got to fix it otherwise I'm out,
and and I don't regret that decision, but I don't
(19:09):
think that I handled it in the best way for me.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
Eas some of your shame from what I'm hearing, has
just been about the fact that you probably didn't reflect,
and that's what you're talking about, Like, di, am I
doing this right? And I think I think it's like,
of course you're doing it now. You might do it
different tomorrow, you know, like we can only do what
we know until we know better, like that Maya Angelou quote,
and it's like when you know better, do better. And
(19:35):
so like now you do. And like you said, you
can always go back and try to make amends or
not necessarily that to get back together, but if you
feel like you owe that, like that is an option.
But it's reminding me a little bit of what we
talked about last week about the Tyis Gibson podcast and
how we're just not really taught the reality of relationships, right, so,
like we just think you're supposed to have this picture
(19:57):
perfect thing or I go do I remember thinking, Oh,
I've been in therapy for such a long time, I'm
just gonna have the most magical, easy relationship that's just
going to PLoP into my life, and Tah, everything's gonna
be great, you know, because I've really been working on myself.
And sure every time I go to therapy or went
to therapy and did work on myself and did all
(20:19):
the other stuff that I've done, you learn stuff, right,
but are you integrating it into your life? Like is
it actually being applied into your relationships? And like the
only way to do that is to practice and to
learn and to keep doing it on repeat. And like,
I mean, I think I talk about on here all
the time how I feel like I'm in the best
relationship I've ever been in. But it's not because we
(20:41):
don't bump up against each other.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
It's more just figure in our relationship.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
Or make repair when this stuff comes up, like what
you're saying about your past one, instead of just shutting
it down and being like this can't happen again, being
like why does this keep happening? Like getting really curious
about what was going on for both both of y'all
in those moments and like triggering it and then trying
to own your part of it, like they say you're
side of the street, like take care of your side
(21:07):
of the street, and like it's still uncomfortable, you know, like,
and nobody gets it exactly right all the time, and
so it's just an interesting concept to continue thinking about
what is this reflecting to me? And if I am
acting out or acting out of a trigger in some
sort of way, how can I take ownership of that
and like do something different. And that's where I found
(21:30):
the most joy. Even though it sounds like a lot
of work, It's like that is actually where you start
to meet each other at a whole new depth that
you probably couldn't have before, you know.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
Yeah, I mean it's there's a lot of surrender in
it too, totally, you know, like because I know I
was often operating in a point of defensiveness, which automatically
made me feel like I was in the right, because
when you feel like something is being done to you,
(22:02):
it's often hard to see.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
The role that you're playing in it because.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
You're like, this is happening, I had nothing to do
with this, right, Like you're acting crazy, But in hindsight,
it's like, no, you have to kind of like really
surrender to the like the relationship is what's happening, and
then you are just two ingredients in that relationship. You're
taking energy from each other and it's never just a
(22:26):
one way street.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Oh and the hard part is because I think I'm
probably on the opposite side of the scale than you
by nature, like you will go to defensive and shut down,
and I'm the emotional one in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
You're like, we're going to talk about that, Well, let's talk.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
I'm crying, I'm feeling all the things. I'm angry or whatever,
and I can't just not talk about stuff or like
dive in or feel it. And I think it can
go with what you're saying about how you're like, well,
I would just get defensive. So I think I'm right.
The person with the big feelings often gets made out
to be crazy, and it's like, I'm not reacting to
(23:01):
nothing like that's what I've always said. I'm just pulling
this out of my ass to pick a fight for fun.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
Yeah, I don't enjoy this, right, So.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
I think it is very reflective of you to say
that about or to have that awareness just that some
of the defensiveness could be protecting almost even too.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
Yeah, I mean, do you think any of this is
male female energy situation?
Speaker 2 (23:24):
I mean I do, and I think it often can be.
If you know anything about attachment theory, like the anxious
person is probably always going to be the one approaching
more or feeling the bigger emotions, and then the avoidant
would be doing something like what you're describing, where you're defensive.
You shut it down, you say, if this happens again,
we're done. You know, there's the threats of abandonment because
(23:45):
of that and and those kind of things. So I
think there's a lot of factors. But I don't think
it's probably all men and all women. But I do
think in some situations, yeah, like guys are more programmed
to not be overly emotional, so they're just to shut
it down.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
I feel like normally I probably wouldn't have thought in
such a blanket way, but like you're a female, I'm
a male, and just looking at how different we are.
But I do think it's just in my friendships. I
feel like my female friends are much more likely to
challenge me and try and get me to a place
(24:22):
of surrender or vulnerability to talk about what I'm feeling,
whereas that's not necessarily with my male friends.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
You know, that's not to say that it.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
Doesn't exist, because I definitely have to male friendships than others.
But I feel like there is definitely a masculine feminine
thing in that dynamic, which is interesting when you think
about like me being in a same sex relationship, like
you have two people that are struggling, probably with the
same lack of ability of communication or access to those
(24:53):
feelings or those emotions or whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
And it's also just programming because I think like, as
women we are I can tell you, I'm just kidding, No,
I think that women are. Women's emotions are more embraced
throughout childhood, our lifetime, and you guys were taught from
(25:18):
day one like don't feel.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Be tough, swallow it. Yeah, yeah, all.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
That kind of stuff. And so it always it always
makes me think of that joke where I mean, my boyfriend,
I laugh about this all the time because if one
of his friends is going through something like let's say
one of his friends was going through divorce and they
go play golf, and I know everyone listening has seen
these memes on Instagram and stuff like that, because this
is so active in so many male and female relationships.
(25:43):
But they'll go play golf and he comes home and
he's like, oh my god, Todd's getting divorced, and like,
if that was said to me, I'd be like, oh
my god, what happened? Why? And he'd be like, I
don't know. He just said it just wasn't working out.
And I'm like, wait, well when did this happen? And well,
you know, what was the cat Like did she want it?
Or did he follow?
Speaker 3 (26:02):
What?
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Like I have a million questions, well a hundred. He's
always just like, I don't know, ma'am. I just like
I just know the broad I just know the fact.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
Yeah, And like you guys just don't necessarily dive into
the deeper things. And especially I think a lot of
men don't want to push if it is a sensitive
topic because they're like, it's not my place, Whereas I'm like,
oh no, I'm fucking getting in there with you. We
need to know you're let's say.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Take you off for stay in a while.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Yeah exactly.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
It goes the under the blanket because we're going to
be here a minute.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
So I'm putting on Delilah if only mm hmmm.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
Yeah, So I think I think it could be a
little bit male and female, but I don't think that's
just across the board.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
I definitely think it definitely played into my last relationship,
the fact that was like two males and we also
had like very similar even though we didn't grow up
in similar regions, like we had pretty similar backgrounds. We
were a lot alike in a lot of ways, and
I think being a strong presence that actually is pushing
down your feelings was true for both of us.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Yeah, yeah, wildly.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (27:11):
So I mean that's not the type of mirroring I
want to do, though, Like I actually googled before we
got on, like what is a mirror moment? One is
like a literary thing, and it's like where a character
(27:31):
like reaches a point in a story where they're like
you have to.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
Go right or left.
Speaker 3 (27:36):
You know, you either stay on the path or you
do the thing to fix what's wrong, And one of
them makes you a failure, one of them makes you
a hero.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
So that's a mirror moment.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
But this one, I mean, it's just an AI generated
thing that says it's a moment of sudden clarity where
a person sees himself or their situation in a new,
often unexpected light, leading to self discovery or change in perspective.
Which that made more sense in this context to me,
you know, versus the sort of narrative version of it.
(28:04):
But it's it's different than the idea of mirroring to
my I guess it is kind of mirroring to yourself
because you're seeing yourself in a new perspective suddenly. But
I guess that's kind of a singular view of it too.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
I don't know, you're talking to yourself in circles right now. Yeah,
I'm going to go with this is I'm.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
Like looking at myself on the screen. I'm like, this
is a mirror? Am I the only one here?
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Well, you're like looking at yourself on the screen, and
you're like, am I going to be a tree? Or
am I gonna going to blend into the office right now?
Speaker 3 (28:34):
Like?
Speaker 2 (28:34):
Which every way you shift? We really don't know. It's
a guessing game. I mean, I think the way that
I look at it too, though we're talking about it
in relation to love relationships right now, But I look
at it all the time in my life because it's
coming up literally all the time. Like there was a
work situation last week that was really difficult and I
(28:56):
got removed from this job because the producer and I
it was just this whole thing and it was not
my fault, and I got pissed because of that, like
it was something that was not on me, but I
was getting blamed for you took the fall, yes, And
in the past, I have just taken the fall, and
I've just tried to do, you know what I can
(29:18):
do behind the scenes to make myself work through that
or be the bigger person. And it was so interesting
because I was like, huh, here is that thing again.
I'm bumping up against that same situation where someone is
literally trying to tell me something that happened that didn't happen,
or they're trying to say, you know, this is something
(29:40):
that's required of you, and I'm like, that was never discussed,
like none of it was there, and blame me gas
like me all the stuff, and I would have just
taken that in the past, but I was like, you
know what, this is not today, Satan. Yeah. So I
literally was like not today, Satan, and my agent went
on and handled some things about it, and I stood
up for myself. It didn't matter for that job, and
(30:02):
that was okay, that was a gift in disguise, but
it just it just I felt like it was an
invitation for me to do something different than I would
have done in the past. And that's all the mirror
thing is. It's like, why is this coming up in
your life? And like this is what I said with Marv.
It's just like why is it here? Because nothing is
just coming in by mistake, right, So if it's something
(30:22):
you've already been through, maybe you're being invited to do
it differently. And then if it's something you've been doing
differently and then it comes up again, it's like maybe
that's a test to be like ye, sure you sure
are going to keep doing it that way, you know,
And like it's just this ever evolving road of that.
And I don't think that we ever just like get
to this destination where we have this all figured out.
(30:43):
I think some of it gets easier, but it's just
this process and that's like the life journey.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Well, I mean, honestly, the hearing you say it that
way is there's real like.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Peace in totally.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
There's peace in the not feeling stuck of it all
because look, you could you could have in that moment
said fuck it, I just I need the job. I'm
going to keep my mouth shut. But then you go
home and you're like mad at yourself.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
You're not going myself.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
Yeah, there's no growth there.
Speaker 3 (31:14):
So even the path, even though that the path that
you chose in the moment is more difficult, and and
you're teaching yourself, hey, you can do hard things and
you can survive it. It also opens the door for
like more difficult moments that you're going to have to
address in your life because you're finally giving yourself the permission.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
To do it.
Speaker 3 (31:32):
But the whole time, you're growing as a human, whereas
if you're not doing that, you're just a stagnant human
being that's letting life happen to you.
Speaker 2 (31:41):
That right there, to me is the whole power of
this mirror dynamic. Because you said it brings peace, and
I was thinking, the other thing I think it brings
is it brings you your power back. Right, It's like
taking your power back of your life because you're taking
ownership for what's happening in your life and it's like
like in that your fault or not, well, you're because
(32:02):
like in that work situation, I was being blamed for
something I didn't do, but I was not willing to
own her feelings or her like projection or gas lighting
or whatever. And if I had and I just settled
and like stayed back and said okay, okay, okay, like
what I would have done in the past, I would
have just stuffed my voice way back down my throat
(32:22):
into my stomach. Like I have that pit feeling right
now even describing it, because I'm abandoning myself again, which
is what I had such a pattern of doing. And
so really, after it all got said and done and
I did something different, what I felt was like okay,
like I actually felt grateful for her again, you know,
like I wasn't angry anymore because I was like, this
(32:44):
was a good opportunity for me. Like yeah, mentor of
mine calls them another growth opportunity or sometimes another fucking
growth opportunity, depending on the one it is. But it's
just like there's always these growth opportunities, do we want
to take them or not? And we don't always do
it perfectly, but like I do really feel like the
opportunities are always there, and so are you paying attention
(33:06):
to what's being reflected to.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
You or not?
Speaker 3 (33:08):
Yeah, Well it's funny too, is I keep the phrase
like you know, I'm sure my mom and dad said
this to me a million times, but like they'd be like,
you need to go in the bathroom and look, give
yourself a good hard look in.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
The mirror and figure it out. Yeah, And so like
that too, is like I mean, I know it's that
is like a literal mirror moment.
Speaker 3 (33:29):
But when you know they and they also tell you,
like start your day by looking yourself in the mirror
and be like it's gonna be a good day. And
it's there's a lot of power in that because you're
with yourself, like there is nothing between you and that
mirror that can come between your feelings and your thoughts
and your emotions at that time. And it's a really
(33:49):
powerful like device. And so I think it's like it
could just be a tool. And you know, if the
example that you gave from this last job, if you
had walked into the bathroom and looked yourself in the
mirror and have been like, Kelly fucking Henderson, are you.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
Gonna letitch walk all over you today? Are you gonna
show them what you're made of?
Speaker 3 (34:09):
And that's really kind of exactly what that is in
a very figurative way.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
No, it was, and that is actually what I did.
I didn't physically looking on video, I didn't. I know,
I didn't physically do it, but in my head, it
just like I got really pissed at first, you know,
like emotions always are. The first thing that happened for
me is like the ugh, and I'm like, what the
hell is happening here? Then I second guessed myself. That's
(34:35):
my other pattern as I go back into like I'm like, well,
maybe you're not seeing this clearly, I questioned myself, and
then it dawned on me. No, this is the same
situation where someone is trying to tell you the reality
that you are living is not the reality, and like
it's gaslighting is the easier way to say that. And
you have a choice here. You can go along with
(34:55):
it or you can do something different. And it was
scary for me. I know it might not be for everyone,
but like it's it still takes me practice to stand
up for myself and feel like I deserve to be
stood up for like, there is something in me that
always goes, oh, but maybe I'm like overstepping or maybe
I'm being you know, like unfair or whatever, like I'll
(35:15):
always kind of have that back of my voice thing.
And I've really stayed with myself on this one and
just thought, no, I will not keep doing this in
my life. I know where that leads, Like me doing that,
I know what that's going to feel like next week,
But me standing up for myself and doing something different
is gonna feel maybe better. I don't know. We'll give
(35:37):
it a go and see what.
Speaker 3 (35:39):
Well. I mean, you certainly don't grow without trying new things,
you know, doing it differently. So yeah, well, I can't
wait to get the full story when we're not on
the air.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
Let's just say she's probably not gonna call me again, but.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
That's okay whatever.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
Yeah, anyway, I just think it's always as you were saying, like,
there's no need to feel about this, But I do
think it's important to talk about all of the different
things that instead of walking through life just gate like
glazed over in a haze and not paying attention to
some of the patterns, like really just going on the
journey of life school and learning how to show up
(36:17):
for yourself and your relationships in whatever way feels right
and keep growing, like just to keep looking at it,
you know, like it doesn't have to be it's not
going to be fixed overnight or perfect ever. So it's
not about that, but just the reflection piece.
Speaker 1 (36:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (36:31):
Well it's funny too because it's you know, I feel
like I have a pattern of wanting to find people
or relationships that are easy, and in hindsight, I'm looking
back and I'm like, the best thing for me is
to find someone, try to date someone who's going to
challenge me and force me to do things differently, that
(36:53):
is more combative, and because for me it's I want
the Prince Charming, everything's perfect right.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
Out of everybody.
Speaker 3 (37:00):
Yeah, but like we don't we never fight, we don't
do any of that stuff. But really what I need
is someone that is going to like push me to
grow and change and reflect and all of those things.
So this is I mean to me, it's been a
really enlightening conversation. I don't know if it's been that
way or if I've just talked in circles for the listeners,
(37:22):
but it's been really enlightening because it's maybe I need
to be not scared of being in a relationship, but
scared of the relationship in some like there should be
some level of fear of it not being comfortable. So
welcoming the discomfort of being in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (37:42):
I think that's a good way to say it, because
it's not I mean, we all want to be comfortable.
But like, again, this reminds me back to the six
stages of a relationship. We do have this magical thinking
about what a relationship should look like. And easy is
like an interesting word. I think it used to always
be thrown on my pace. I just want peace, But
if you're not willing to show up in a way
(38:05):
that brings that to the relationship, that's also something to
think about. Like, all the people who would say that
to me were the most unpeaceful people right in this world.
And it's like I can't just bring something to your
life that you are not so like, I mean.
Speaker 3 (38:20):
Really, when someone's saying that they just want someone they
think is hot that will have sex with them, they
don't want to be in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (38:26):
Yeah, And it's just like they don't want to actually
have to show up for their relationship. That's very one
sided to just be like, well I just need this
to be easier, you know, like this is going to
be over or whatever. It's just like, well, people are people.
People are humans. We all have needs, we all have
like bad.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
Days, all have outside forces, jobs, stress.
Speaker 2 (38:45):
Family, right, so like stuff is going to come up.
That's just reality. So yeah, different way to think about it.
I mean, I feel like this is this was an
interesting chat, and I like that you. I like that
you honest about just having the shame at the beginning,
because I think a lot of people, including myself, have
definitely felt that because we all we do want to
(39:07):
get it right.
Speaker 3 (39:08):
Ult and I think it's a really natural thing, like
when you when a relationships ends, it's really easy to
like look yourself in the mirror and be like even
though it's natural to really want to just blame them,
because it's then you don't have to carry any of
the shame, but also to silently be like, well maybe
I'm not cut out for this, like maybe I am
meant to be single. Maybe I don't know what I'm
(39:29):
doing or how to be in a relationship. And I
think it's important to share that because if that's what
a lot of people are feeling that it's proof that
it has nothing to do with you, you know, like
not nothing like, because we obviously all need to grow,
but it's not just about you, like and addressing that
shame and being honest about it is the only way
(39:50):
around it, really, you know, otherwise you're just going to
wallow in it.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
Yeah. I don't think anyone's not cut out for relationship.
I think it's just like, how how much are you
willing to work on yourself and to keep growing?
Speaker 1 (40:02):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (40:03):
Yeah, anyway, if you guys are curious this The reason
this came up is because Marvi and I discussed that
this theme would be happening a lot in November with
the astrology and just to really use the reflections that
are being mirrored to you to your advantage and to
actually work with it versus to feel like life is
happening to you, like Chip said earlier. So go listen
(40:25):
to the podcast with Marv you'll get a deeper dive
into the themes astrologically coming for us on November, and
you can always email us at the edge at velveted
dot com if you have any other thoughts on mirrors
or how that shows up in your life, the reflections
that come to you through relationships, Like I'm always curious
about what you guys are thinking too, so email us
at the Edge at velvetedge dot com. You can also
(40:47):
hit me up on Instagram. I'm at Velvet's Edge, Chip, I'm.
Speaker 1 (40:50):
At Chip Doors. It's Chip d r.
Speaker 2 (40:53):
Scch and our group can't ever do this fart right?
And our podcast Instagram thank you, I was having a
brain malfunction is at Velvet's Edge podcast. So again, all
of that will be in the description of this podcast
for you guys. And as you guys go into the
weekend and you're living on the edge, I hope you
always remember to at Catule. Bye bye,
Host
Kelly Henderson
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