Kelly is joined by Monica Berg, international speaker, spiritual thought leader, author and co-host of the Spiritually Hungry podcast.
Monica’s mission is to show individuals how to create a life that not only feels like it’s working but most importantly, a life in which they are living and loving as the powerful, fulfilled person they’ve always wanted to be.
Monica tells listeners the best tools for internal growth, as well as:
- 5 Ways to Rethink Loneliness
- 5 Steps to Owning Your Innate Power
- 3 Ways to Live and Leave a Lasting Imprint
Books: Fear Is Not An Option
Rethink Love
The Gift Of Being Different
Podcast: https://www.spirituallyhungrypodcast.com
Website: https://rethinklife.today
Socials: @monicaberg74
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HOST: Kelly Henderson // @velvetsedge // velvetsedge.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Monica Burke international speaker, spiritual thought leader, author, and a
co host of Spiritually Hungry podcast is Here. Monica's mission
is to show individuals how to create a life that
not only feels like it's working, but most importantly, a
life in which they are living and loving as the powerful,
fulfilled person they've always wanted to be. Hi, Monica, Hello,
(00:34):
we just figured out we're both from Louisiana. I love
meeting a fellow Louisianian.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
I know me too. I don't have the accent, but
I know, which is kind of odd.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
You said you're from Thibodeau, which is very like Cajun
country typically.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
I think in my house because English was not the
first language my parents, Aarns are from the released. And
then I think, if you mix everything together, you know,
I just I think I decided which I was going
to choose.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
I'm all over the place.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Yeah, yeah, Well, I was telling your rev when we
first started talking. I really wanted to get you on
the podcast this month, specifically because we have a Word
of the Month every month, and this month's word is abandoned.
And I love the work that you're doing because what
initially sparked my connecting with that word, and your work
(01:21):
is that so much of your work involves letting go
of old narratives that don't serve us and really adopting
these new narratives that really help people step into their
own power. So if we could just give the listeners
a little foundation to start, what are the best tools
for internal growth?
Speaker 3 (01:38):
Well, it starts with checking where your consciousness is at,
because everything starts their consciousness is power, and the strength
really comes from the ability to change the way we
think about things. And I think often people don't challenge
themselves in that way. They have a belief system and
they don't often stop the question, well how did I
(01:59):
adopt that belief? Soys where did it come from? Is
it really mine? Or is the thoughts that I was
raised with and it's kind of somehow now a narrative
for me. So the first is consciousness. Check where you're at,
check your belief systems. Know that you have the power
to change any thought, and then from that anything's possible.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
So we catch the thought.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
If it's not positive, you change it, and then you
follow it with immediate action. I think often we stay
in our heads far too long and we replace thought
for action, and we think, oh, if we're thinking about
it and we're talking about it, then somehow we're affecting change.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
But it doesn't really work like that, right.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
I love the idea of just being able to change
our thoughts, but I also know that for me, it's
not as simple as that. Typically, you know, like it's
just like if I could just change it overnight or whatever,
then I would, but I can get stuck ruminating. So
what would you say to people who might struggle with
that same kind of like overthinking or ruminating or anything
like that.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
I think we all have that to some extent. I
certainly understand what you're saying. I've been there. Sometimes I
can go and visit that place, but I'm happy there.
So I think it's about understanding your purpose, which is
a much much broader topic I'm aware of, and most
people struggle their whole lives saying, well, I don't even
know who I meant to be or what I meant
to do. And we think of ourselves in terms of success,
(03:14):
like I'm success if I'm recognized in my job, or
if I have something to show for my life, or
if other people recognize me. And I think if that's
the pursuit of your life. Really, it's understandable why it'd
be stuck in thought because all of that's about external right,
What do people think?
Speaker 2 (03:32):
How do they see me? How is my life viewed
versus internal?
Speaker 3 (03:35):
Which really is how do I feel when I wake
up in the morning, How do I feel when I
go to sleep?
Speaker 2 (03:40):
What is my internal dialogue? Is it supportive? Is it kind?
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Is nurturing? What is my primary emotion each day? What's
the thought that feeds that emotion? Right, So it's really
about the relationship you have with yourself. And I think
that when you start to be kind to yourself, which
is a work of a lifetime really. But the good
news is when you do these things that I'm saying,
it becomes natural, it becomes normal, and then that becomes
(04:04):
who you are.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
That's how transformation occurs. So when do you.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Start to do this, then those thoughts you have it's
kind of like, well, your thoughts are now more positive
and they're supportive, So it's not so much that you
have to fight in changing and they are changing because
the nature of them are different.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Is this how we get to a place of being
able to manifest things like letting go of these old
narratives and then kind of getting ourselves into a place
of really looking at our purpose and having a relationship
with ourselves. Is that where we can start to manifest?
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Absolutely, because the thing with manifesting sometimes people get stuck
there too, and why is that you know, we have
a goal, and then we forget the why behind the goal.
So again, everything that we pursue or anything that we
want to manifest, there's always going to be an intention
that precedes that. And in that intention you have to
be clear is it coming from soul or is it
coming from ego? Why are you pursuing the things that
(04:57):
you're pursuing. The next part of that is you have
to have a clear vision of what it is you
want to create. So, for instance, if somebody's going to
build a house, before you would hire even the you
know the contractor maybe you purchase the land, but you
would have even before the architect, you'd have a vision
of what that house would look like. Right, you'd know
that when you're in the bathtub you wanted to see
the sunset. Let's say you want to have a perfect
(05:18):
view of a mountain, or you wanted the kitchen to
be set up in a way like you knew exactly
what it would.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
Look like, and in that vision it's perfect.
Speaker 3 (05:26):
Now, in the process of creating that house, there's going
to be problems, there will be delayed, it's going to
be overpriced and you know, over budget, all kinds of obstacles,
going to take longer than you anticipated. But in your vision,
it's perfection. And I think that we need to view
our lives in the same way. If we look at
ourselves as a whole again, not what we do, but
(05:47):
who we want to be. Right, if we approach our
lives with more of the understanding of being rather than doing,
and in that being, we have a perfected vision. Does
I mean we're perfect because I don't like that word,
but perfected in the sense that you these start to
develop all aspects of your self, body, mind, and spirit,
that you're again creating a kinder narrative, that there's transformation
(06:08):
and sharing in each and every day, and when you
do that, your life starts to really work in a
way that supports you. So manifesting isn't some out something
that's outside that you're, something that you're trying to pursue
or chase after. It's something that is building within you
and you're creating all the time. You become the co
creator of your life.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
What emotions can get in the way of that? I
know you talk about that a lot.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
Doubt for sure, imposter or syndrome, thinking that we can't
really achieve, and really not believing that we all have
the ability and are destined to be great. You know,
we often think that greatness is reserved for the really special,
unique people, when in reality, we all have greatness within us.
We all are meant to tap into what makes us
(06:53):
unique and authentic. But again, that requires thought and work
and effort. And I think a lot about what I
try to do with my work is I want to
get people to think in this way, right because we
put a lot of time and energy into the one
percent reality, like physicality, what we came to, you know,
the five senses right, Wow, look how they taste, you know,
(07:15):
and never in this other realm of like am I
exploring things that you can't see that are intangible?
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Really?
Speaker 1 (07:22):
Like, what can you give us some examples?
Speaker 3 (07:25):
Those those big words like kindness and empathy, sharing, It's
the things that you know at the end of the
day when we may not be physically here anymore. All
that we've done, every love we've offered to somebody, every action,
every word that we've said, right, if it's part of
something bigger in a way to help the world, remains
(07:46):
after us. And it's not just reserved for Socrates and
Plato and Emily Dickinson. We all have the ability to
leave that imprint. So that's that's really the ninety nine
percent realm. It's all the things that are unseen. It's
what's allowing us to speak right now while I'm in
New York and you're in Nashville, right, So it's that frequency.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Well, you mentioned looking outside of yourself to find things,
and I think that's such a common thing that we
all do or have done at some point in our life.
And one of the things that really struck me about
something you said was that there are ways to rethink
the word loneliness. And I think that that is so interesting.
So can you tell us five different ways? I think
(08:27):
that's what your tips were, like, five different ways to
rethink loneliness. And again it goes back to us abandoning
these old narratives that we've thought of, Like I could
attach loneliness to being bad, but are there ways to
rethink that word.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Well, here's the thing with loneliness. It's something that, especially
during the pandemic and even after so many people were lonely.
I've seen it with people close to me. You know,
they lose a loved one or or their partner that
they've been married to for years, and even if it
wasn't the love of their life, still they find themselves alone.
And then you know other people who are physically alone,
(09:03):
but they never feel lonely, so they're very different. Being
alone and feeling lonely are two separate things because you
can also be in a room of thousands of people
and feel lonely. You can be in your relationship and
feel lonely. So I have found that really what's at
the heart of being lonely is when you don't feel
comfortable in your own skin, when you don't really like
(09:25):
who you are, and that's not enough for you. So
it's constantly looking outside of you know, feed me, give me,
making me feel whole, make me feel better. And when
a person has a great connection to self and also
something higher themselves, I call it the creator. Some people
call it nature, you can call it God. But there
has to be that kind of I understand that there's
(09:46):
a bigger purpose to my existence and kind of explore
that and live that. So that's the overarching idea. There
are a few tips that I'll go through. One is
to take the mask off. Okay, oh, Shels Silverstein in
his book, he wrote, if you wear a mask to
hide yourself, how will your friends find you? And if
(10:09):
they're wearing a mask, how will you recognize them? So
the point is we go through life with masks on. Right.
We want people to like us, we want them to
accept us, But then what we're showing them is not
really ourselves, not our truth. We're walking with masks, and
we think that nobody. If we're going through a hard time,
or let's say we're feeling lonely, we think we're the
only ones to be experiencing that. But if we showed
(10:31):
that part ourselves, we'd be able to recognize those other
people that are feeling the same way, and they'll be
able to see us as well. So I think it's
such a powerful idea. Just take the mask off. I
kind of butcher the poems. I'm going to read it
while we're diameing from it. So he said, if you
wear a mask to hide yourself, how will your friends
find you? And if they're wearing a mask, how will
you recognize them? Just so simple and so bad. Yes,
(10:55):
so abandon the mask. The other thing is abandon perfection.
I was a perfectionist. I'm a virgo. I'm very detailed oriented.
I like the feeling of it, like the way it looks,
in the way I'm organized.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
It helps me navigate life.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
But that impossible goal of me trying to be perfect
led me to a debilitating eating disorder in my teen
years young adult life, and I realized that it was
a source and cost for great unhappiness. So it's a
word that I never use. It's an impossibility, And when
we try to be perfect again, it's a way to
(11:33):
shut everybody out. Really look like you are untouchable and
therefore you won't be hurt. Right, So which leads me
to the third one, lose the facade, Because part of
that perfection I thought, you know, if I'm unassailable, then
nobody can ever hurt me. If I look like I've
got everything in control, nobody can tap into anything that
I don't want, then I'll be safe. And it really
(11:54):
it's it's a recipe for loneliness and for unhappiness. So
I think that for listeners, really check where you're at
at this point in your life. You know, how often
are you wearing a mask and you really wish that
you could just show your authentic, true self. You know
how often you're try and be perfect because you think
that then people won't hurt you or reject you, or
may like you and accept you. And it's the opposite,
(12:16):
because they're never really able to penetrate you and who
you are and tap into that.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Yeah, I always talk about this on the podcast, but
one of the greatest gifts that it's given me is
coming on to the podcast speaking to people like you,
and then also just connecting with the listeners because I
feel like, you know, sometimes I'll share part of my
story or a guest will share a part of their story,
and I'm getting so much feedback about how much that
resonated with some listener's exact story, and through that, you know,
(12:45):
that feeling of connection is one of the For me,
it's one of the most driving forces for anything in
my life because then it allows me to become more
authentic and just like you're talking about, I don't feel
lonely in this world, you know, like just had that
human connection piece is so so so important for all.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Of us exactly. I mean, what is it all about
if not that. That's why I love sharing my stories.
And even when I'm in the middle of a process,
not just the things that I feel like I triumph,
but my failures and faults. I do that because I
understand something great when I get on the other side
(13:25):
of it. There's some kind of transformation that's occurred, and
I think that's inspiring. But I also do it because
I want to give people that permission to do it
for themselves. And really, you know, there's nothing to be
ashamed about. We're all in the middle of a process.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
I think.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
Unfortunately people think that they've arrived at some point in
their lives and we're forever changing, right, But by the way,
it's up to us if the change is positive or negative.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
But know that you are always changing and every man.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
What's that quote, It's like the one constant thing in
life is changed.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
There's something. Yeah, I love that one.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Well, you kind of touched on this, but I also
agree with you that every person here on this earth,
every human has an innate sense of power or an
innate power within them. So I want to talk about
how we can step into owning our own power, and specifically,
like I don't know if you see this, but with
a lot of women in my life, I find that
(14:27):
it takes us a little bit longer to kind of
figure out how to step into our power. And I
don't know if that's programming or what it is, but
could you speak to both of those topics a little bit.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
But I think as women, all things were not created
equally in the world, and I think that we had
to do a lot more to have our voices be
heard and not sound you know, like the B word,
And you know, men can get away with things that
I think that women couldn't. I think that there's still
an aspect of that. But I think we want to
come off and we were raised this way right to
(14:59):
be liked and appropriate and not too loud or too bossy,
you know, kind of just take care of everything. So
I think we had a lot of things to kind
of change in that way. And and the other part,
I think just as women usually we tend not to
be as confident, you know. And I think that idea
(15:20):
of sisterhood happens when we're young and we are girlfriends,
and then when we get older, we think we need
to compete against one another, and then we put all
of our energy into our romantic partner, you know, our spouse,
and then we don't realize that we actually need that.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Female energy in our lives.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
And so I think all of that powers is not
what we thought it was. It's not about you know again,
seeming like you have it all under control and not
upsetting anybody. Power is to show your rawness and your
vulnerability and allow people in. I think that's truly the
biggest strength. So I think part of owning your power
(15:59):
is to know that you're resilient, that anything that happens
to you, you can choose your response. And I think
part of that is to really appreciate challenges for what
they are. There was a study done where they built
an ecosystem and they thought of everything they built. You know,
there were trees, and they put wolves, and they put
(16:20):
all of the insects, animals, everything you would need for
a perfect ecosystem. And at first it was thriving, everything
was flourishing, growing, and they're like, wow, we can create
these kinds of ecosystems and they're perfect.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
And then a year into that study, the trees started.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
To fall down, and at first they didn't know what
it was, like, why are these healthy trees suddenly just
completely falling over? And they realized the one thing they
didn't introduce into the ecosystem was wind, because the wind
allows the trees to really ground their roots into such
a strong way, and that's what makes them strong and have,
(16:56):
you know, last as long as they do. So I
think it's about it appreciating the wind. I think even
you know to your question in terms of women, like
appreciate the opposition, appreciate the adversity, and find your power
and strength through that.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
The second is you have the power to create your
own stories.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
We are all storytellers by nature, but you know, sometimes
we're the hero, sometimes we're the victims. Sometimes we're a villain.
Sometimes it's a love story. So what is your story?
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Hear it?
Speaker 3 (17:27):
Understand that you can change it if it's not positive,
Like we said at the beginning of this talk, if
something's not working for you have the power to redirect
your story at any time, but you have to be
clear about what it is. Desire is a big one
in terms of knowing your power. Without desire, nothing happens.
There's no action that follows that. So make sure that
you feature desire, and desire wanes when you're not really
(17:50):
doing what you were meant to do.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
So let's say that.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
You really have a dream job to be an actor,
but the safer thing is to be an accountant, because
that's what people told you should do. That's what is
stable and secure, but it doesn't really make you happy.
Your desire over time is going to wane, and then
you're not going to really want to do the things
that you want to do. You're not going to feel
very powerful. Another one is the power of no. It's okay,
(18:16):
and it's necessary to create boundaries. Often we think that
it might seem harsh and that person might be hurt,
but boundaries are really a way of you being clear
about what you want, being able to express that and
also express what you don't want. It's very necessary, it's
very healthy, and you know, I certainly encourage my children
to do that at an early age because for most
(18:38):
of us we had to learn it. We weren't raised
in that kind of environment. And the last which we
did touch upon earlier is the power of you and
really knowing that you can make a difference, knowing that
you can be great, and it doesn't matter how many
times you feel it's part of the process. It's necessary.
It's more important than the winds, even that you're going
(18:58):
to have.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
I don't got me TEARI out for some reason. The
power of you and the power of no those those
have been two that I have been living by the
last year, and I so agree with that. If we
are wanting to really, like, if you have that feeling
in your life, if you've reached that point in your
life and you're thinking, I want to make a lasting imprint,
you know, I want to leave something here, what are
(19:20):
ways that we can tap into that with our power.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
Well, the first is the sobering thought you know that
people it's I think it's a Maya Angelo quote. You know,
people won't necessarily remember what you said, but then remember
how you made them feel. So I really think that
we don't give enough importance to what you know, love
offered somewhere that it wasn't will do for somebody, and
(19:45):
how that will last even after you're gone, or a
kind word, but it has to be bigger than you.
I think that really for there to be something that's everlasting,
that's immortal, like you want to be immortal, it can't
just be that we live our lives and it's just
in the radius like whatever is, you know, just our family,
(20:05):
my home, wherever I drive to each day. If that
is the entirety of your world, you know your mark
probably won't be as big versus if you go and
you and you really make you know, everything matters because
it does the real things, not the ego based things. Yeah, well,
we mentioned you were an author at the beginning of
this podcast. The book is called Fear Is Not An
(20:28):
Option Rethink Love and the Gift of Being Different. Can
you tell the listeners a little bit about the book. So,
Fear is Not an Option is the title. It's really
about because the thing is, there's there's In my book,
I identify three different kinds of fear and some are healthy,
some are real, and some are a waste of time.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Basically, so and I.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
Go through that and really it's not about learning to
cope with fear or live with fear. It's about eradicating
fear from your life because fear is an energy and
it's something that needs to be changed and used in
ways that serve you. And there's only one kind of
fear that that is healthy and the rest you really
can throw out the garden the door. And I give
its semi autobiographical so I talk about my journey through
(21:15):
fear and how I got on the other side of it,
and it gives tools and tips and different exercises at
the end. Rethink Love is not just romantic love. It's
a three part book. The first part is about the
relationship you'll have with yourself. It's the most important, longest
relationship you'll ever have. It's the one that people usually skip.
They go into the second part, which is, you know,
(21:36):
finding love and navigating through that relationship. But I can't
emphasize enough how important that first part is because it's everything.
It's how you're going to be as a wife, a mother,
a friend, a husband, whatever it is, and then of
course as a romantic partner. So there's eight chapters devoted
just to that. And now the third part of that
book is we and that's how you make sure your
(21:58):
relationship stands the test of time, but you also still
want to be there. It talks about spiritual sparring, that
fighting is very necessary in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
You just have to pick a fighting style.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
It talks about vulnerability and it really breaks down each
topic and again with exercises and then The Gift of
Being Different is a children's book, but adults have really
actually written to me about how much it's helped them,
because a lot of people have wounds from their childhood
that haven't healed yet. And I co wrote that with
one of my children. I have four children, so with
(22:30):
my youngest. It's the first in a series of ten
books on being and this talks about how your difference
is and in this case, my daughter's difference was dyslexia.
But your difference, no matter what it is, is really
your superpower. So it's not something that you'll grow out of,
but it's something you need to learn to grow into
and really understand it and appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
And that's not really obvious. At first.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
We think superpowers are like, oh, that guy is a
great athlete or that woman's a great you know, we
think it's very obvious and very natural. But most superpowers,
at first we don't know what to do with them.
You know, if you look at Superman or Spider Man.
They're clumsy with their powers.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
You know you fall. Yeah, ads are all over the place.
Speaker 3 (23:09):
It's like, what is this? I don't want it? And
that's usually what it is. It's not something you want,
it's not something you know how to use. But once
you understand it and you learn to love yourself and
appreciate that it's part of what makes you unique, you
can reframe it and you can make it something super powerful. Oo.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
I'm going to put all of those links in the
description of this podcast. I also mentioned you are the
co host of the Spiritually Hungry podcast, so I will
put a link for you guys in the description of
the podcast as well. Where else can people find you?
Speaker 3 (23:38):
Thank you so much. My blog is rethinklife dot today. Yeah,
you can follow me there or on Monica Arberg seventy
four on Instagram.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Awesome, well you guys. I will put all of those
links in the description of this podcast. Monica, thank you
so much for this. I need to take some notes.
I'm gonna go back and listen to our own podcast.
I make notes for myself. Really, I appreciate you being here.
Thank you again. Thanks for having me.
Speaker 3 (24:09):
Hm
Monica Burke international speaker, spiritual thought leader, author, and a
co host of Spiritually Hungry podcast is Here. Monica's mission
is to show individuals how to create a life that
not only feels like it's working, but most importantly, a
life in which they are living and loving as the powerful,
fulfilled person they've always wanted to be. Hi, Monica, Hello,
(00:34):
we just figured out we're both from Louisiana. I love
meeting a fellow Louisianian.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
I know me too. I don't have the accent, but
I know, which is kind of odd.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
You said you're from Thibodeau, which is very like Cajun
country typically.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
I think in my house because English was not the
first language my parents, Aarns are from the released. And
then I think, if you mix everything together, you know,
I just I think I decided which I was going
to choose.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
I'm all over the place.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Yeah, yeah, Well, I was telling your rev when we
first started talking. I really wanted to get you on
the podcast this month, specifically because we have a Word
of the Month every month, and this month's word is abandoned.
And I love the work that you're doing because what
initially sparked my connecting with that word, and your work
(01:21):
is that so much of your work involves letting go
of old narratives that don't serve us and really adopting
these new narratives that really help people step into their
own power. So if we could just give the listeners
a little foundation to start, what are the best tools
for internal growth?
Speaker 3 (01:38):
Well, it starts with checking where your consciousness is at,
because everything starts their consciousness is power, and the strength
really comes from the ability to change the way we
think about things. And I think often people don't challenge
themselves in that way. They have a belief system and
they don't often stop the question, well how did I
(01:59):
adopt that belief? Soys where did it come from? Is
it really mine? Or is the thoughts that I was
raised with and it's kind of somehow now a narrative
for me. So the first is consciousness. Check where you're at,
check your belief systems. Know that you have the power
to change any thought, and then from that anything's possible.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
So we catch the thought.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
If it's not positive, you change it, and then you
follow it with immediate action. I think often we stay
in our heads far too long and we replace thought
for action, and we think, oh, if we're thinking about
it and we're talking about it, then somehow we're affecting change.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
But it doesn't really work like that, right.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
I love the idea of just being able to change
our thoughts, but I also know that for me, it's
not as simple as that. Typically, you know, like it's
just like if I could just change it overnight or whatever,
then I would, but I can get stuck ruminating. So
what would you say to people who might struggle with
that same kind of like overthinking or ruminating or anything
like that.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
I think we all have that to some extent. I
certainly understand what you're saying. I've been there. Sometimes I
can go and visit that place, but I'm happy there.
So I think it's about understanding your purpose, which is
a much much broader topic I'm aware of, and most
people struggle their whole lives saying, well, I don't even
know who I meant to be or what I meant
to do. And we think of ourselves in terms of success,
(03:14):
like I'm success if I'm recognized in my job, or
if I have something to show for my life, or
if other people recognize me. And I think if that's
the pursuit of your life. Really, it's understandable why it'd
be stuck in thought because all of that's about external right,
What do people think?
Speaker 2 (03:32):
How do they see me? How is my life viewed
versus internal?
Speaker 3 (03:35):
Which really is how do I feel when I wake
up in the morning, How do I feel when I
go to sleep?
Speaker 2 (03:40):
What is my internal dialogue? Is it supportive? Is it kind?
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Is nurturing? What is my primary emotion each day? What's
the thought that feeds that emotion? Right, So it's really
about the relationship you have with yourself. And I think
that when you start to be kind to yourself, which
is a work of a lifetime really. But the good
news is when you do these things that I'm saying,
it becomes natural, it becomes normal, and then that becomes
(04:04):
who you are.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
That's how transformation occurs. So when do you.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Start to do this, then those thoughts you have it's
kind of like, well, your thoughts are now more positive
and they're supportive, So it's not so much that you
have to fight in changing and they are changing because
the nature of them are different.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Is this how we get to a place of being
able to manifest things like letting go of these old
narratives and then kind of getting ourselves into a place
of really looking at our purpose and having a relationship
with ourselves. Is that where we can start to manifest?
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Absolutely, because the thing with manifesting sometimes people get stuck
there too, and why is that you know, we have
a goal, and then we forget the why behind the goal.
So again, everything that we pursue or anything that we
want to manifest, there's always going to be an intention
that precedes that. And in that intention you have to
be clear is it coming from soul or is it
coming from ego? Why are you pursuing the things that
(04:57):
you're pursuing. The next part of that is you have
to have a clear vision of what it is you
want to create. So, for instance, if somebody's going to
build a house, before you would hire even the you
know the contractor maybe you purchase the land, but you
would have even before the architect, you'd have a vision
of what that house would look like. Right, you'd know
that when you're in the bathtub you wanted to see
the sunset. Let's say you want to have a perfect
(05:18):
view of a mountain, or you wanted the kitchen to
be set up in a way like you knew exactly
what it would.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
Look like, and in that vision it's perfect.
Speaker 3 (05:26):
Now, in the process of creating that house, there's going
to be problems, there will be delayed, it's going to
be overpriced and you know, over budget, all kinds of obstacles,
going to take longer than you anticipated. But in your vision,
it's perfection. And I think that we need to view
our lives in the same way. If we look at
ourselves as a whole again, not what we do, but
(05:47):
who we want to be. Right, if we approach our
lives with more of the understanding of being rather than doing,
and in that being, we have a perfected vision. Does
I mean we're perfect because I don't like that word,
but perfected in the sense that you these start to
develop all aspects of your self, body, mind, and spirit,
that you're again creating a kinder narrative, that there's transformation
(06:08):
and sharing in each and every day, and when you
do that, your life starts to really work in a
way that supports you. So manifesting isn't some out something
that's outside that you're, something that you're trying to pursue
or chase after. It's something that is building within you
and you're creating all the time. You become the co
creator of your life.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
What emotions can get in the way of that? I
know you talk about that a lot.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
Doubt for sure, imposter or syndrome, thinking that we can't
really achieve, and really not believing that we all have
the ability and are destined to be great. You know,
we often think that greatness is reserved for the really special,
unique people, when in reality, we all have greatness within us.
We all are meant to tap into what makes us
(06:53):
unique and authentic. But again, that requires thought and work
and effort. And I think a lot about what I
try to do with my work is I want to
get people to think in this way, right because we
put a lot of time and energy into the one
percent reality, like physicality, what we came to, you know,
the five senses right, Wow, look how they taste, you know,
(07:15):
and never in this other realm of like am I
exploring things that you can't see that are intangible?
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Really?
Speaker 1 (07:22):
Like, what can you give us some examples?
Speaker 3 (07:25):
Those those big words like kindness and empathy, sharing, It's
the things that you know at the end of the
day when we may not be physically here anymore. All
that we've done, every love we've offered to somebody, every action,
every word that we've said, right, if it's part of
something bigger in a way to help the world, remains
(07:46):
after us. And it's not just reserved for Socrates and
Plato and Emily Dickinson. We all have the ability to
leave that imprint. So that's that's really the ninety nine
percent realm. It's all the things that are unseen. It's
what's allowing us to speak right now while I'm in
New York and you're in Nashville, right, So it's that frequency.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Well, you mentioned looking outside of yourself to find things,
and I think that's such a common thing that we
all do or have done at some point in our life.
And one of the things that really struck me about
something you said was that there are ways to rethink
the word loneliness. And I think that that is so interesting.
So can you tell us five different ways? I think
(08:27):
that's what your tips were, like, five different ways to
rethink loneliness. And again it goes back to us abandoning
these old narratives that we've thought of, Like I could
attach loneliness to being bad, but are there ways to
rethink that word.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Well, here's the thing with loneliness. It's something that, especially
during the pandemic and even after so many people were lonely.
I've seen it with people close to me. You know,
they lose a loved one or or their partner that
they've been married to for years, and even if it
wasn't the love of their life, still they find themselves alone.
And then you know other people who are physically alone,
(09:03):
but they never feel lonely, so they're very different. Being
alone and feeling lonely are two separate things because you
can also be in a room of thousands of people
and feel lonely. You can be in your relationship and
feel lonely. So I have found that really what's at
the heart of being lonely is when you don't feel
comfortable in your own skin, when you don't really like
(09:25):
who you are, and that's not enough for you. So
it's constantly looking outside of you know, feed me, give me,
making me feel whole, make me feel better. And when
a person has a great connection to self and also
something higher themselves, I call it the creator. Some people
call it nature, you can call it God. But there
has to be that kind of I understand that there's
(09:46):
a bigger purpose to my existence and kind of explore
that and live that. So that's the overarching idea. There
are a few tips that I'll go through. One is
to take the mask off. Okay, oh, Shels Silverstein in
his book, he wrote, if you wear a mask to
hide yourself, how will your friends find you? And if
(10:09):
they're wearing a mask, how will you recognize them? So
the point is we go through life with masks on. Right.
We want people to like us, we want them to
accept us, But then what we're showing them is not
really ourselves, not our truth. We're walking with masks, and
we think that nobody. If we're going through a hard time,
or let's say we're feeling lonely, we think we're the
only ones to be experiencing that. But if we showed
(10:31):
that part ourselves, we'd be able to recognize those other
people that are feeling the same way, and they'll be
able to see us as well. So I think it's
such a powerful idea. Just take the mask off. I
kind of butcher the poems. I'm going to read it
while we're diameing from it. So he said, if you
wear a mask to hide yourself, how will your friends
find you? And if they're wearing a mask, how will
you recognize them? Just so simple and so bad. Yes,
(10:55):
so abandon the mask. The other thing is abandon perfection.
I was a perfectionist. I'm a virgo. I'm very detailed oriented.
I like the feeling of it, like the way it looks,
in the way I'm organized.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
It helps me navigate life.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
But that impossible goal of me trying to be perfect
led me to a debilitating eating disorder in my teen
years young adult life, and I realized that it was
a source and cost for great unhappiness. So it's a
word that I never use. It's an impossibility, And when
we try to be perfect again, it's a way to
(11:33):
shut everybody out. Really look like you are untouchable and
therefore you won't be hurt. Right, So which leads me
to the third one, lose the facade, Because part of
that perfection I thought, you know, if I'm unassailable, then
nobody can ever hurt me. If I look like I've
got everything in control, nobody can tap into anything that
I don't want, then I'll be safe. And it really
(11:54):
it's it's a recipe for loneliness and for unhappiness. So
I think that for listeners, really check where you're at
at this point in your life. You know, how often
are you wearing a mask and you really wish that
you could just show your authentic, true self. You know
how often you're try and be perfect because you think
that then people won't hurt you or reject you, or
may like you and accept you. And it's the opposite,
(12:16):
because they're never really able to penetrate you and who
you are and tap into that.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Yeah, I always talk about this on the podcast, but
one of the greatest gifts that it's given me is
coming on to the podcast speaking to people like you,
and then also just connecting with the listeners because I
feel like, you know, sometimes I'll share part of my
story or a guest will share a part of their story,
and I'm getting so much feedback about how much that
resonated with some listener's exact story, and through that, you know,
(12:45):
that feeling of connection is one of the For me,
it's one of the most driving forces for anything in
my life because then it allows me to become more
authentic and just like you're talking about, I don't feel
lonely in this world, you know, like just had that
human connection piece is so so so important for all.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Of us exactly. I mean, what is it all about
if not that. That's why I love sharing my stories.
And even when I'm in the middle of a process,
not just the things that I feel like I triumph,
but my failures and faults. I do that because I
understand something great when I get on the other side
(13:25):
of it. There's some kind of transformation that's occurred, and
I think that's inspiring. But I also do it because
I want to give people that permission to do it
for themselves. And really, you know, there's nothing to be
ashamed about. We're all in the middle of a process.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
I think.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
Unfortunately people think that they've arrived at some point in
their lives and we're forever changing, right, But by the way,
it's up to us if the change is positive or negative.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
But know that you are always changing and every man.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
What's that quote, It's like the one constant thing in
life is changed.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
There's something. Yeah, I love that one.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Well, you kind of touched on this, but I also
agree with you that every person here on this earth,
every human has an innate sense of power or an
innate power within them. So I want to talk about
how we can step into owning our own power, and specifically,
like I don't know if you see this, but with
a lot of women in my life, I find that
(14:27):
it takes us a little bit longer to kind of
figure out how to step into our power. And I
don't know if that's programming or what it is, but
could you speak to both of those topics a little bit.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
But I think as women, all things were not created
equally in the world, and I think that we had
to do a lot more to have our voices be
heard and not sound you know, like the B word,
And you know, men can get away with things that
I think that women couldn't. I think that there's still
an aspect of that. But I think we want to
come off and we were raised this way right to
(14:59):
be liked and appropriate and not too loud or too bossy,
you know, kind of just take care of everything. So
I think we had a lot of things to kind
of change in that way. And and the other part,
I think just as women usually we tend not to
be as confident, you know. And I think that idea
(15:20):
of sisterhood happens when we're young and we are girlfriends,
and then when we get older, we think we need
to compete against one another, and then we put all
of our energy into our romantic partner, you know, our spouse,
and then we don't realize that we actually need that.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Female energy in our lives.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
And so I think all of that powers is not
what we thought it was. It's not about you know again,
seeming like you have it all under control and not
upsetting anybody. Power is to show your rawness and your
vulnerability and allow people in. I think that's truly the
biggest strength. So I think part of owning your power
(15:59):
is to know that you're resilient, that anything that happens
to you, you can choose your response. And I think
part of that is to really appreciate challenges for what
they are. There was a study done where they built
an ecosystem and they thought of everything they built. You know,
there were trees, and they put wolves, and they put
(16:20):
all of the insects, animals, everything you would need for
a perfect ecosystem. And at first it was thriving, everything
was flourishing, growing, and they're like, wow, we can create
these kinds of ecosystems and they're perfect.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
And then a year into that study, the trees started.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
To fall down, and at first they didn't know what
it was, like, why are these healthy trees suddenly just
completely falling over? And they realized the one thing they
didn't introduce into the ecosystem was wind, because the wind
allows the trees to really ground their roots into such
a strong way, and that's what makes them strong and have,
(16:56):
you know, last as long as they do. So I
think it's about it appreciating the wind. I think even
you know to your question in terms of women, like
appreciate the opposition, appreciate the adversity, and find your power
and strength through that.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
The second is you have the power to create your
own stories.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
We are all storytellers by nature, but you know, sometimes
we're the hero, sometimes we're the victims. Sometimes we're a villain.
Sometimes it's a love story. So what is your story?
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Hear it?
Speaker 3 (17:27):
Understand that you can change it if it's not positive,
Like we said at the beginning of this talk, if
something's not working for you have the power to redirect
your story at any time, but you have to be
clear about what it is. Desire is a big one
in terms of knowing your power. Without desire, nothing happens.
There's no action that follows that. So make sure that
you feature desire, and desire wanes when you're not really
(17:50):
doing what you were meant to do.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
So let's say that.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
You really have a dream job to be an actor,
but the safer thing is to be an accountant, because
that's what people told you should do. That's what is
stable and secure, but it doesn't really make you happy.
Your desire over time is going to wane, and then
you're not going to really want to do the things
that you want to do. You're not going to feel
very powerful. Another one is the power of no. It's okay,
(18:16):
and it's necessary to create boundaries. Often we think that
it might seem harsh and that person might be hurt,
but boundaries are really a way of you being clear
about what you want, being able to express that and
also express what you don't want. It's very necessary, it's
very healthy, and you know, I certainly encourage my children
to do that at an early age because for most
(18:38):
of us we had to learn it. We weren't raised
in that kind of environment. And the last which we
did touch upon earlier is the power of you and
really knowing that you can make a difference, knowing that
you can be great, and it doesn't matter how many
times you feel it's part of the process. It's necessary.
It's more important than the winds, even that you're going
(18:58):
to have.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
I don't got me TEARI out for some reason. The
power of you and the power of no those those
have been two that I have been living by the
last year, and I so agree with that. If we
are wanting to really, like, if you have that feeling
in your life, if you've reached that point in your
life and you're thinking, I want to make a lasting imprint,
you know, I want to leave something here, what are
(19:20):
ways that we can tap into that with our power.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
Well, the first is the sobering thought you know that
people it's I think it's a Maya Angelo quote. You know,
people won't necessarily remember what you said, but then remember
how you made them feel. So I really think that
we don't give enough importance to what you know, love
offered somewhere that it wasn't will do for somebody, and
(19:45):
how that will last even after you're gone, or a
kind word, but it has to be bigger than you.
I think that really for there to be something that's everlasting,
that's immortal, like you want to be immortal, it can't
just be that we live our lives and it's just
in the radius like whatever is, you know, just our family,
(20:05):
my home, wherever I drive to each day. If that
is the entirety of your world, you know your mark
probably won't be as big versus if you go and
you and you really make you know, everything matters because
it does the real things, not the ego based things. Yeah, well,
we mentioned you were an author at the beginning of
this podcast. The book is called Fear Is Not An
(20:28):
Option Rethink Love and the Gift of Being Different. Can
you tell the listeners a little bit about the book. So,
Fear is Not an Option is the title. It's really
about because the thing is, there's there's In my book,
I identify three different kinds of fear and some are healthy,
some are real, and some are a waste of time.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Basically, so and I.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
Go through that and really it's not about learning to
cope with fear or live with fear. It's about eradicating
fear from your life because fear is an energy and
it's something that needs to be changed and used in
ways that serve you. And there's only one kind of
fear that that is healthy and the rest you really
can throw out the garden the door. And I give
its semi autobiographical so I talk about my journey through
(21:15):
fear and how I got on the other side of it,
and it gives tools and tips and different exercises at
the end. Rethink Love is not just romantic love. It's
a three part book. The first part is about the
relationship you'll have with yourself. It's the most important, longest
relationship you'll ever have. It's the one that people usually skip.
They go into the second part, which is, you know,
(21:36):
finding love and navigating through that relationship. But I can't
emphasize enough how important that first part is because it's everything.
It's how you're going to be as a wife, a mother,
a friend, a husband, whatever it is, and then of
course as a romantic partner. So there's eight chapters devoted
just to that. And now the third part of that
book is we and that's how you make sure your
(21:58):
relationship stands the test of time, but you also still
want to be there. It talks about spiritual sparring, that
fighting is very necessary in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
You just have to pick a fighting style.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
It talks about vulnerability and it really breaks down each
topic and again with exercises and then The Gift of
Being Different is a children's book, but adults have really
actually written to me about how much it's helped them,
because a lot of people have wounds from their childhood
that haven't healed yet. And I co wrote that with
one of my children. I have four children, so with
(22:30):
my youngest. It's the first in a series of ten
books on being and this talks about how your difference
is and in this case, my daughter's difference was dyslexia.
But your difference, no matter what it is, is really
your superpower. So it's not something that you'll grow out of,
but it's something you need to learn to grow into
and really understand it and appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
And that's not really obvious. At first.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
We think superpowers are like, oh, that guy is a
great athlete or that woman's a great you know, we
think it's very obvious and very natural. But most superpowers,
at first we don't know what to do with them.
You know, if you look at Superman or Spider Man.
They're clumsy with their powers.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
You know you fall. Yeah, ads are all over the place.
Speaker 3 (23:09):
It's like, what is this? I don't want it? And
that's usually what it is. It's not something you want,
it's not something you know how to use. But once
you understand it and you learn to love yourself and
appreciate that it's part of what makes you unique, you
can reframe it and you can make it something super powerful. Oo.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
I'm going to put all of those links in the
description of this podcast. I also mentioned you are the
co host of the Spiritually Hungry podcast, so I will
put a link for you guys in the description of
the podcast as well. Where else can people find you?
Speaker 3 (23:38):
Thank you so much. My blog is rethinklife dot today. Yeah,
you can follow me there or on Monica Arberg seventy
four on Instagram.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Awesome, well you guys. I will put all of those
links in the description of this podcast. Monica, thank you
so much for this. I need to take some notes.
I'm gonna go back and listen to our own podcast.
I make notes for myself. Really, I appreciate you being here.
Thank you again. Thanks for having me.
Speaker 3 (24:09):
Hm
Host
Kelly Henderson
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