In this follow-up to Kelly’s powerful conversation with relationship coach Marni Battista, Kelly and Chip dive into their own relationship histories to uncover the sneaky, self-sabotaging patterns that started way back in childhood. From dating addicts and emotionally unavailable partners to chasing chaos that felt like chemistry, they get honest (and laugh a little too) about the roles they played in their own heartbreak—and what finally helped them break the cycle.
If you’ve ever found yourself asking “Why do I keep choosing the same kind of person?”—this one’s for you.
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HOSTS:
Kelly Henderson // @velvetsedge // velvetsedge.com
Chip Dorsch // @chipdorsch
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, you came onto the Zoom call singing, and I
said to you, I wish for the listener's sake, I
was recording in those moments when you pop in and
you're just you know, bringing the Chip.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Joy and that joy. You know, it's funny because I
always like, I don't. I guess we're lucky that Zoom
doesn't just start with the camera on because that's like
no pants or whatever. But I forget that that's going
to be the case. So you're there like doing like
you don't even know I'm on yet, So that's why
I do it.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
What song were you singing?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
I think I was just like singing hello in a
funny way. But it wasn't. It wasn't like it wasn't
like the Adel song or the line of Riches.
Speaker 3 (00:40):
No, it wasn't. It was a Chip original.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
It was an original.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Yeah, you showed her. You really showed it.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Really showed her. I'm coming for you.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
I'm kind of excited about our topic today because we
have not exchanged notes, but we did our own little
personal research I guess you would call it. And I
do think the topic of relationships, which is what we're
going to dive into and patterns and relationships is really interesting,
Like I think it's something everyone can relate to. And
we talk about this like when we used to talk
(01:11):
about sex and relationships or dating or you know those
kind of things a lot. That seemed to be the
one that engaged the listeners the most. And I think
it's because it's a universal either issue or problem, or
it's just relatable because everyone goes through relationship struggles or
everyone is feeling yeah good or bad, Like everyone's in
(01:32):
relationships of some kind unless you live in a hole
up in a mountain.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
By yourself, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Like we're interacting with other human beings, whether it's friendships,
where relationships, romantic relationships, And I think what's interesting is
that your patterns can show up in all of the
different dynamics of relationships. Like it's not just that you
do something in romantic relationships, like you probably have taste
of it across the board. It may show up them
(02:00):
and romantic relationships. I do you feel like that's where
we get a little bit like triggered the most because
the stakes are higher, and there.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
I was going to say, there's more at risk, there's
more at risk.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
Your heart's more at risk.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
The person that you're dating or married to or whatever
is in more of your life as like a partnership,
like a you know, like.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
It's more of a choice. Like the way that you
are with your family just seems like, Oh, that's the
way that I am. But you know, through the research
that I did today and some of the digging, it
makes you realize, oh, the way you are is because
of the people that you grew up around and the
way that you were the relationships in your life, and
(02:39):
how that carries over to when you're trying to find
a romantic relationship that make it work.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Yeah, So it's all it's just all intertwined. And I
find this to be so fascinating. That would be I
just find relationship stuff to be so fascinating and why
we do what we do in relationships. So this started
because on Wednesday I talked to Marnie Butsa. She's a
transformational coach, entrepreneur, podcast host. But she's also the author
(03:05):
of this book called Your Radical Living Challenge. But she
also wrote a book called How to Find a Quality
Guy Without going on two hundred Dates. And I found
that to be very intriguing because one of the biggest
themes of conversation between friends of mine and I is that, uh,
I just don't want to, you know, go on more dates.
Like if we go through a breakup. One of the
(03:25):
biggest things people seem to say is like I just
can't imagine doing this all over again. Like that can
feel really exhausting, right, And one of the things that
I I'm constantly saying to people, and this is because
of my own experience and what really helped me was
that the end of a relationship is so interesting and
(03:46):
helpful actually if you can really look at your patterns
within that relationship and why that relationship didn't work, not
from a place of blame, but from a place of like, huh,
like what didn't work there, and just staying really curious
about it, you know, And like I know, for me,
there would be times where I would look back at
my relationships and how I showed up in those relationships
(04:08):
and it was messy, like it wasn't my best self.
Maybe that relationship brought out the worst side of me,
and I had to really address those things because I
didn't want that relationship to repeat and that would happen,
like if I didn't address those things.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
I was picking it, well, if you're.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Only ever placing blame, you're never going to correct the
things no attributing that, you know, led to the downfall
of the relationship.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
And the tricky part and I talked about this with
Marnie is like, it wasn't like I didn't have places
to place blame, do you know what I'm meaning? One
that could be an easy one to walk away from
and be like, well that guy's an asshole, or you know,
there was other situations I have a I mean, we'll
get into my patterns, but like my pattern my relationships
(04:54):
were toxic, and so it would be very easy for
me to focus on what my partner did wrong as
the thing that didn't make that relationship work. But I
had to really look at the fact that I kept
dating the same guy with a different face basically, I
mean it was truly like this same exact thing, and
it kept escalating into a bigger, worse, harder dynamic. And
(05:17):
so I was like, Okay, this is the time if
I want something different, Like, I got to look at
why this is happening for me. So that's kind of
what we're here to discuss, is Chip and I are
going to talk through some of the realizations we've had
in our own patterns and how that's changed and shifted.
And then for me, I really feel like some of
the work that I did at addressing those things is
(05:38):
why I am where I am now and feeling very
happy in a relationship and feeling completely different and completely
not chaotic or christy or any of the insanity that
I used to invite into my life via romantic relationships.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
This is honestly one of the first times that I've
even thought about.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Some of this stuff really well. That's good though. Yeah,
So Mel Robbins would be really proud of you right now.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
I mean, look at me growing. Yeah, And it was
funny because I felt like I needed that, Like, in hindsight,
I needed this conversation today because yesterday I had this thought,
like I've been I've been reading a lot of not
just self help books, but like self improvement books is
probably better, and I stopped last I haven't really read
(06:28):
in the last week because I went to stagecoach and
I've just been busy and whatever. And of course I
take a book everywhere, but then often when I travel
I never opened it. Yesterday I was just like, outside
of just being exhausted from the travel on the weekend
and all the things. I was like, why do we
just feel so down? I was like, not about myself.
(06:49):
And it's funny, like, how quickly those like the good
feelings from you know, external places that actually make you
go inside and internalize yourself. How quickly those good feelings
were off where you're not like working that muscle. And
then when this was oh yeah, and then when this
(07:09):
was the topic, I was like, Oh, this is a
really interesting like perspective to look at myself from. And
then when I was reading things, it made me feel
not so shitty about myself because it was giving me
perspective on me.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
So you know what else it is or that I
think it is. And again this is my experience, but
I think it's because when you were reading the stuff
that you read today, your soul felt seen again. And
I think often for me, and I don't know if
other people relate to this, but Chip and I have
similar lifestyles, and.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
So it's often.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
For me when I get really busy with work or
I'm traveling and I'm with people a ton. I don't
really mean to do this, but there's a little bit
of like self sacrifice that I do where I'm not
fully paying attention to myself. And it's been really interesting
to kind of like notice that dynamic when I keep
myself so busy and like going and going and going,
(08:02):
and especially when I'm traveling, because you're just with people
all the time, right, and it's fun. It's hard because
it's like it's good stuff, so you want to be
doing it, but what you've been doing is spending time
connecting with yourself, right. So when you're doing that, there's
like the balance that you kind of have to find
between like giving into the fun and like living life
(08:24):
and enjoying all the things that were so you know,
lucky to have and being disciplined enough to check in
with yourself and be like, hey, I'm still here, like
we're this is just fun. I'm focusing on that, but
I'm still here with you right now. And that sounds
kind of.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
Like woo woo.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
But the truth is then you read something and you
reconnected with yourself and you feel more at peace.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
Right. I Mean, that's a really interesting perspective because I
like I look back in my whole life and I've
always been the person that gravitates towards the fun and
of course analyze, yeah, like don't and don't analyze your
feelings and worry about yourself. Like for me, if I
was having fun, I was taking care of myself. Sure,
I was really lucky, you know to have this fun life,
(09:09):
but it was it was really eye opening to like
experience that. And now that you've put it into words,
it's that makes a ton of sense.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
Yeah, And it's not to say don't go have fun,
like those things are so important too. It's just to
kind of figure out how do I mix in even
if it's like fifteen minutes in the morning that you
go sit with yourself and like meditate or whatever. It
is like a lot of times we've been on trips
with our friends and I get made fun of, which
I can laugh at myself, so I think it's funny too.
But like, you know, I start my morning and I
(09:39):
like I have to go read or meditate and like
have an hour with my coffee, and everyone's like Kelly's
got to go do her routine. Yeah, but it's for
that exact reason is that I didn't want to get
back from the trip and feel the depletion and like
the low feelings like I still wanted to enjoy the
highs and the fun and all that stuff, but I
(09:59):
wanted to stay with myself throughout it because I just
noticed how much I would ebb and flow and emotionally
if I didn't.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
So yeah, I mean, and honestly, the whole reading part
for me, my goal in my new routine is ten
pages a day. Like, it's not like I finish a
book every day. Yes, ten pages. So it's usually one
of the first things I do when I wake up.
I try to not get on my phone or do
anything electronic, and I journal and then I read ten
pages and that just I didn't realize I was missing
(10:28):
that in this Like to me, I felt more like
I was ashamed that I was breaking my new routine.
And part of a new routine is figuring out how
that works exactly. Like it's a lot easier to start
a new routine when you're sitting in your house. Yeah,
everything is routine. Yeah, And the second that you a
wrench gets thrown into it, You're like, oh shit, how
(10:48):
does my new routine fit into this? And I just
kind of abandon that. So it's probably a combination of
like feeling down on myself for like fucking up my
new routine. But I do think part of it was
the checking in with myself, which is what that reading does,
because it's like when when I read things that are
a lot of it, Like I mean, we've talked about it,
even on you know, my love of mel like when
(11:10):
I listen to her podcast. A lot of it's really
obvious stuff, you know, it's it's not rocket science. It's
stuff that we need to be reminded of. And exactly
the books that I've been reading lately are those things
like how to create better habits. Of course I know
how to do it, but I need to be reminded.
And you feel like you see yourself in the words exactly.
So yeah, so that's a really interesting observation.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
So well, and I think, like anything.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Recording this today will help me in that way.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
I love that, you know, I love that that like
makes me so happy. Also, this is not the topic,
so we'll quickly get to the topic after I say this.
But one of the biggest things that I think we
miss or I personally missed a ton was so focused,
like so hyper focusing on external relationships, like my relationship
(11:58):
with my friends, my relationship with my work life, my
relationships with my boyfriends, my family, whatever that I forgot. Oh,
I have a relationship with myself and that should be
number one. Like that, and that's a constant reminder. I
still have to give myself every day too, because I
love caring for the people that I care about. I
love being having fun with them, I love being in relationship.
(12:21):
Like that's a huge part of my personality. But if
I don't have a good relationship with me, none of
those relationships are going to be good either, right, So
like that, it's just an interesting thing that you led,
like almost unintentionally with.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
The this is a really beautiful transitionship. Really, you just
like nailed that.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Oh what I just said thinks yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Because when you were like, this isn't our topic of conversation,
and I thought, well, aren't we talking about relationships?
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Well, but I mean, but that is the truth is,
like we so often focus on well, fuck, I'm not
getting the relationship I like, or guys suck and blah
blah blah blah blah. You know, like we get so
angry about things falling apart externally and we forget get
to go. But what am I doing within myself because
all of those relationships are just mirroring what's happening within
us at all times. Like that is one truth that
(13:09):
I have really come to realize, and that's like such
a reminder of my soul's purpose of why I would
be even drawing in toxic relationships. And it's like the
funny thing when you go, God, you know this boyfriend
that I have is really neglecting me and he works
all the time, or he's an addict and he doesn't
treat me right and blah blah blah, And then I
(13:30):
would look in the mirror and be like, hey, when's
the last time you checked in with yourself? Because I'm
neglecting myself too, you know, like basically I'm doing what
I'm getting so pissed at that other person for doing
to me. So how can I ask someone else to
do it if I'm not even willing to do it
with myself. Like it's kind of eye opening when you
look at it that way.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Something that really spoke to me that Marnie said on
Wednesday's podcast was this line. She said, transformation doesn't end, Okay,
we don't just fix it, and that can kind of
like put into respective what I was feeling after having
not read, because I was really beating myself up about
it and.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
All over yourself, you should, all over myself.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
And it made me realize that, like any sort of
transformation is constant, and there will be highs and lows,
and you cannot just let the lows outweigh the highs,
even though I think I feel those more than the highs,
Like because the highs that you take for granted, you know,
like you're having fun, everything's great, like the sandy, but
when it's the low stuff, you feel like you're never
(14:31):
it's you're gonna get stuck there.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
Well, I think you specifically because you don't allow yourself
to go low often, so when you do, you're like, what.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Is Yeah, yeah, it makes me want to question everything
in my life. Yeah, really nothing. It was just said
I was craving some of that sort of transformational work. Yeah,
and that's that's fine. Like it's I'm okay with that
being constant, which is just also a kind of a
clue to like keep doing it.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
I think that's so true, and it's also so you learning,
Oh this feels good to me, Like I like this
and I want to keep going on this path. But
I think you're making such a good point. I forgot
that she said that on Wednesday, and I want to
point that out before we start dissecting ourselves and talking
a little bit about our relationship patterns, because I used
to do that too with myself, and I would feel
(15:18):
very much like I was separate from everyone else in
the fact that like I could not make relationships work,
is what it felt like, and like I made up
this story in my head, like you're more fucked up
than everyone else, you know, like everyone else has it
figured out, which now I believe is just a very
common human mindset of ours to feel like everyone else
(15:39):
knows something we don't and they kind of have it
more figured out than us, and to kind of shame
ourselves or should should all over ourselves, like that we
should have this figured out, we should and all of
these things that we talk about on this podcast, and
this includes everything in my perspective, but specifically relationships. They're
constantly a place for evolution. Like I am in a
(16:01):
very happy relationship right now, and I still get triggered
and I still learn something new about myself every single day,
Like every single conversation I have with him. I will
recognize something in myself that I'm like, oh that's interesting
or you know whatever. And I'm just a very like
curious person, like I'm probably a little more. I just
(16:22):
do that, like analyze things a little more than most.
But I do think that's important to say, is like
we're never just gonna figure it out. Like it's not
like you just get it right after you start doing
work on yourself or analyzing things like we're gonna do today.
It's just interesting to know and to continue layering onto
that and going deeper into that and just like going
(16:44):
on the journey with it, Like it's a journey. It's
not this end result thing. And so if you start
working on yourself and then you don't get into the
perfect relationship right away, that's not a thing of shame.
It's just like more information.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Really Yeah, well, I mean it's I don't think anyone
even though I think we all do, I don't think
anyone should expect it to happen overnight either.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Well, and nothing's perfect even if it does, even if
you do get in a happy relationship, nothing's perfect, Like
everyone's human, so there's always going to be stuff. My
mom always says, where there's people, there's problems, you know,
and that's just the truth.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Like people are just messy.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
So okay, so in summary, don't be too hard on yourself.
These are just interesting things we're working on, and relationships
are just a big point of learning about yourself.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Really.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
So what we did, because this is like our new
favorite thing to do, is we make like basically Chip
and I journaled about our relationship patterns essentially, like we
just wrote down kind of our history, what we noticed
about ourselves, maybe where we came from, like in our childhood,
what the family system looked like. And we even put
(17:52):
in astrology. And then we took all of that and
put it into chat cheapy tea almost as like a
can you diagnose my patterns? Just to see what it
would say. I wanted to know if it would line
up with what I thought I had learned about my
patterns and mine really did?
Speaker 3 (18:07):
Did yours?
Speaker 2 (18:08):
Yeah? I mean I haven't. I feel like you've done
a lot more learning prior to this. Okay, for me,
it was more just eye opening.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
That's good.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
So because it's it's it's funny, like I feel like
I'm a pretty self aware person, but I don't think
I spend that much time thinking about myself and like
what could I do? How could I do that better?
And it's that's kind of a narcissistic.
Speaker 3 (18:33):
Thing, what to think about yourself?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
No, no to not, oh you know what I mean,
it's like I should I should be, like I should be,
I know, but I still should be examining myself more.
And this was that This was pretty eye opening too,
but also too, I think it's really natural to look
back at relationships and either simply just blame the other
(18:55):
person or just think that you're not good at them,
you know, or you're not the yes, and neither of
those things are true. They're probably a little bit both true,
but they're not. Neither of them are true.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
They're their surface is what they're going they're not going
into the Like I hate when people say I'm just
not good at relationships. I'm like, no, you're just fucking
lazy because you don't want to look at.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Why like that.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
That's genuinely what I think, And I don't like when
people kind of put it under this big umbrella of like, oh, well,
I'm never going to figure that out or I'm never
going to be able to have that. You can have
whatever you want, you just might have to work at
it and look deeper at the most, you know, the
uncomfortable pieces of you that a lot of people just.
Speaker 3 (19:39):
Don't want to face.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
And that's what makes you bad at relationships, not the
fact that you didn't learn those skills. Most of us
didn't learn the skills to have healthy relationships. Like I know,
I know you talked about your parents had you young,
like or they were together since they were so young.
My parents had me so young, and it's like they
were kids themselves. How would they know how to like
do things, you know.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Like I raise a child today, I don't feel could.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
You imagine, Like I think about if I had had
a kid my parents My mom was twenty four, and
I'm like, if I had a kid at twenty four,
who fucking knows where they'd be, Like, I.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Mean, they definitely would have come out drunk.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
It's just like hard to look at that.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
So the fact that they did the job they did,
I'm so grateful for now as an adult looking at
what that means. You know, Okay, but I want to
know when you were first even writing down what you
looked back at your relationships and saw what do you
find to be the consistent patterns for you? Okay, but
(20:47):
I want to know when you were first even writing
down what you looked back at your relationships and saw
what do you find to be the consistent patterns for you?
Speaker 2 (20:57):
I mean, the most consistent one is like being not
emotionally available in the proper way that you weren't. That
I wasn't, I am. The thing that stuck out to
me was this thing called emotional self sufficiency. And it's
got a double edged sword because I'm incredibly like resilient
(21:19):
and self aware, but then I also struggle to trust
people and let them in.
Speaker 3 (21:23):
That's so Scorpio, you know, like.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
And it's so true, like I because I feel like
every time I've gotten into a relationship, like I think
it's going to end the next day. I think, And
I feel like any little argument will end it the
next day. And so I'll I often will just like
push down and bottle up the small things which then
become cancerous. Yeah, I'm just really because it's like I
(21:50):
want everything to be copasetic all the time. I want
life to be fun. I'm a seven, you know, and
so it's like one little tiny thing I have, and
this isn't even just and romantic relationships. I like, I
think I looked back at like when I've had an
assistant in my career, like I can't even ask them
to correct the little thing. I just go in and
do it myself, and then I'm resentful of it.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
And it's also like, then why do you have an assistant,
right right, because it's.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Not really say that to myself, but not to them.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Of course, it's like adding more work to your plate though.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
Totally yeah, yeah, So it's you know, that one little
thing was enough to be like, oh my god, this
is going to name It was one of the first
things that spit out.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Well, okay, so this is what's so interesting. And I
don't know if anyone else, like I'm about to nerd
out so hard, So I hope that anyone else finds
this interesting. But like for me listening to you say that,
I'm like, well, of course you just like you have
told me, and maybe we should share this a little
bit with the listeners. But when you talk about your
family life, you often say, like your parents you felt
(22:56):
like they've been together forever, Like you felt almost shame
because you haven't been able to like do a long
term relationship, and that's what you grew up around. Like
they were high school speedthearts, right, so it was like
this thing of this pressure of like I got to
figure it out.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
But then you do describe like your dad worked late.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
At night and so like he was very much like
came home from work, eat dinner, go to bed. So
that's not a lot of availability, right.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
No, and showed very little emotion.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Yeah, and then your mom was like running the house
doing all the stuff and maybe not the most emotionally
available person either.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
So yeah, and she went to anger a lot too.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
Okay, so that was the one emotion she could go to. Yeah,
but so okay, Well that actually gives me even more
of an interesting thing because it's like, okay, so first
of all, we shame ourselves for not knowing how to
do things, but it's like, well, how the fuck would
you know how to do that? Like you grew up
in a household where there weren't very many emotions that
seemed acceptable, you know, so you have to stuff them.
(24:00):
And then if your mom's going to anger as the
only thing, of course, you walk on eggshells and relationships
and think I don't want to set anyone off or
it's going to end because you're so used to anger.
Then the deer nerd shit that I'm about to do
is if you look at your astrology, so it's like
you tie your astrology into that, and you have a
(24:20):
double Scorpio in your top three, like he's Scorpio's sign
in Scorpio rising and then a piss's moon for any
of my astrology nerds, So like you're very emotional as
a human, but they weren't safe, and so you suppress
instead of express. And Scorpio is already probably the most
secretive sign, like because you don't ever want to look
(24:41):
vulnerable as a Scorpio, right, but you are, like Scorpios
feel things so deeply. All of your top three is water,
so you feel things deeply, but you don't really want
anyone to know that because you don't feel not because
you don't like believe them to be valid or maybe
you don't.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
That's something for you look at, but like you have
never felt like that was a safe thing to do
to express emotions, so you didn't.
Speaker 3 (25:05):
Learn how to do it.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
Yeah, and so manifest into your adult relationships isn't that fascinating?
Like why is that so interesting to me?
Speaker 2 (25:15):
And it also just I mean the astrology part aside,
it also just seems so obvious, like why wouldn't the
things that you have learned in your childhood play a
massive role in your head?
Speaker 3 (25:30):
Exactly?
Speaker 1 (25:31):
But you say that and I just basically like summed
it all kind of up for you. But you said
to me before the podcast chat ChiPT nailed me, and
it's like I should have thought about this stuff, and
why wasn't I making those connections? And most people don't. Right,
That's why I get so excited about it when people
start doing it, because I'm like, yo, it's all right there,
Like it's it's not like we don't have to suffer
(25:54):
as much, I think, as adults as we do just
because we're scared to look at this. And it's like
it doesn't need to be scary. Yes, it can be painful,
and a lot of people did endure very painful childhoods
are very painful relationships in adulthood.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
I did it, like in a lot of ways.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
I also had a lot of great experiences and positive things,
but like there were things I needed to address and
they were painful. However, if you walk through it, the
stuff on the other side is just so much bigger
and better, and it's like your relationships are better, you
can love more, more freely, you can trust people Like
(26:33):
I don't know, I just find it to be so
fascinating that we're so scared to look at these things,
and then if you actually look at them, they lose
their power a little bit, if that makes sense, Like
they're not so big and bad and scary. You're kind
of like, oh, yeah, duh, that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Well, the irony is I mean, I would imagine if
I feel this a lot of people feel it. You're
scared that you're going to learn something about yourself that
you don't want to know. Yeah, and it causes you
to not learn the things about yourself that you need
to know to.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Give you peace and to make it like, to make
your shit make sense and not You're not this like
terminally unique person with that's so fucked up you're beyond repair.
It's like, oh, of course you wouldn't necessarily know how
to express feelings. You never learned how but look, you're
a forty how old are you?
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Forty nine?
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Forty nine year old man? You do have the capacity
now to look at it right, you have the ability
to go do that and change things.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
We're never too I also, you know, being a closeted
kid in a small talent. It's like I there were
feelings that I did recognize that I chose not to
talk about because I didn't know how they would be received.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
And it's get stories there too, yeah, of course.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Like yeah, absolutely, but it's I mean, that's another reason
why I have trouble with vulnerability. It's not that I
don't feel these things or think these things. It's that
when it comes time for it to come out of
my mouth, I choke, you know, Like that's because that's
the right I'll even think about just not even like
(28:10):
you know, romantic things, but I could compliment to a
friend that I really want to say, and I'll like
tear up thinking about saying it, knowing that I can't
say it, you know what I mean. Like it's and
I've evolved a lot, like the older I've got. Yeah,
and I think text honestly, texting has helped because I
can there is that shield. So you know, in the
(28:33):
last pseudo relationship that I was in, I was able
to really fucking say how I felt at the end,
and that I would have never been able to do
that in person. Yeah, but I succinctly put my emotions
down and said how I felt and walked away from it.
And that's you know, I'm fine. Maybe that's all I'll
ever be able to do, but at least I figure
(28:54):
out a way to express myself. And you know, thank
God for that. You know, technology is of in a
way that we can do.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Those things, but you also are evolving, so don't miss that.
Speaker 3 (29:05):
Like that's massive progress.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Even like those are they might feel like small wins,
but they're wins right.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
Now, and you just got to do it. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
Yeah, My patterns are just to me. You know, it's
like very interesting too, because it's like duh, you know,
it's just when I look at it on paper sometimes
I'm like, well, of course, I mean, I grew up
in an alcoholic household and my dad's even come on
this podcast. He's been sober since I was eight. But
we talked about that, and like, I'm so grateful that
(29:34):
he can share his story now in the way that
he can, because I know he's helping tons of people
even in the work that he does on himself. But
the interesting thing about alcoholism that I don't know that's
talked about a ton is like from the outside, if
you're not in a situation where like addiction is in
your family or your life, a lot of people think, like, oh,
drinking is the problem, right, And so it's like people
(29:58):
I think I grew up a lot with people being like, oh,
nobody knew there was any issues in my house because
my dad stopped drinking when he was eight, right, But
the drinking is always just a symptom of deeper things.
And so like you're trying to mask something, and that's
with any addiction, right, Like there's sex addiction, drug addiction.
(30:18):
Codependency is an addiction, Like that is part of all
of this stuff. And so there were dynamics in my
family system that developed because of alcoholism. But like alcohol
was probably one of the smaller parts of the problem.
It was like, right, once that got removed, it definitely
got easier to see the things that were the problem.
But like, as a family system, we all had to
(30:40):
address the things, and like I just developed patterns while
my family worked through that, and a codependency was one
of them. But also, like this people pleasing thing for
me was a big one and feeling like, you know,
I remember and I say this to my parents now
and we talk about it, but like my parents would
always say to me, you're just such a joy, which
(31:00):
I know sounds like what people would want to hear, right,
But as a child, I took that on as I
always had to.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
Do that needs to be here me that way, and.
Speaker 3 (31:08):
That was my role.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
And so whether it was wanting to make either of
my parents feel better or my little brother, like making
sure he was okay, like I took on this responsibility
that wasn't what they were asking of me, but I
just that was how I interpreted it, and so those
were the patterns I developed. Then the other flip side
of that is that my parents did get you know,
(31:29):
my dad got sober. My mom really worked on her
stuff too, and they still do to this day. They
have taught me so much. It's why I've gotten into
all the work that I've done on myself, and so
I'm so grateful for them for that. But it almost
fucked me up in a weird way too, because I
saw that people can change and thought that that's what
everyone wanted to do. So when I would go into
(31:53):
my adult relationships. My pattern with guys became not only
playing that role of like the helper, the fixer, I'm
gonna bring joy to your life and make everything better.
It also gave me this like mentality that people could change,
and so I had this expectation that you know, their
potential was going to be enough, and if I worked
(32:15):
hard enough, they would change too, and they would get
better and they would become available for me or the
best partner ever or whatever. You know. Like I was
very always into the very like charming, charismatic guy that
was great at first, but then like all the shit
would hit the fan once I got into the relationship
and I had just a pattern of dating addicts, like
go fucking figure. It was what I knew from a child.
(32:37):
As a child, Yeah, and I did that over and
over and over and over. I even did it, Like
my big crash was obviously what I tell you guys
about when the wedding happened and got canceled. And then
I still did the same patterns once I like got
into my own recovery work and just therapy and all
(32:59):
this stuff, Like it took me over a decade to
kind of break some of these things and that's okay.
Like I look at it now and I'm like, oh,
it was all stepping stones, like I was progressing, but
it's just it's slower than you think it should be.
And so that's why I loved what you said at
the beginning, like it's an ever evolving thing. It's not like, oh,
I just go to therapy for six months and I'm fixed,
(33:19):
you know, like these are these are patterns that are
ingrained into your nervous system and it's it's what we
like learn to be our safety and so you really
have a lot of unlearning to do. But but yeah,
so those were mine. And then like the way I
would show up was very much overperforming, which all of
(33:39):
these don't sound like bad qualities, but like I would
do it to the point of literally like I was
the only one really showing up in the relationship. Like
like our fringe Gillian Tareki that has been on the
podcast Multiple Signs says, if you're a giver, date another giver.
And I used to always I am a giver, but
I used to always date takers and so all that
it would end up is like I would get in
(34:01):
these relationships where I would be building up their life,
like I would very much work into their life, help
them make their life better in some way, and realize
by the end of it, I was a shell of
human like I just barely was alive, hanging on, you know,
like when you date addicts as well, they have very
narcissistic tendencies, and so it was just like it would
(34:22):
crush me because I couldn't understand, like I just as
an EmPATH that you know, empathetic person or EmPATH, whatever
you want to call it, myself, I just couldn't understand,
like why wouldn't they think of me, or why wouldn't
they be operating from the place that I was with
the giving and I would think that I could change
(34:43):
them by doing more of it.
Speaker 2 (34:53):
I saw a quote from Rick Orus in the other
day that, Yeah, I think sort of fits into this
exactly because you know, a lot of it is what
we've talked about, is wanting other people to change, you know,
and you know a big part of being a relationship
is recognizing the role that you're playing in it. And
(35:13):
when you're dating, you know, people that have these surface
falls alcoholism, narcissism, those sorts of things it's really easy
to be like I'm doing all this stuff well, not
recognizing the things that the failures that you're bringing to
the relationship maybe, which could be as simple as not
standing up for yourself, you know, or whatever I say,
staying I'm staying.
Speaker 3 (35:34):
I would stay way too long.
Speaker 2 (35:36):
But this this quote that really resonated with me. He said,
create a vacuum between you and what you're looking for
instead of forcing it, step back and draw it to you.
Speaker 3 (35:46):
It's the way.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
Okay, So now that we've set our patterns, I want
to move into kind of you know, I think we're
having the realizations here. But like what he just said
that sums up why my life is different now because
I stopped getting so mad, and I think, like, again,
this has what you said is so true about when
you look at your life. Like I'm talking about my
(36:09):
dating relationships, but this was every relationship, and it was
it was in certain friendships that I had, it was
in certain work relationships that I had, and it was
what I kept getting drawn to. And it was almost
like this like magnetic force in those types of relationships
that I could not stop myself from going to. And
(36:29):
it was just like I don't know. I just kept
repeating it. What I believe now is the reason I
kept being drawn to it is because I wasn't actually
healing it. I was just like almost intellectualizing the stuff
that I just said. Like I knew I came from
an addicted based you know, relationship of family system. I
knew I was codependent. I knew logically all these things
(36:51):
are intellectually all these things, but I wasn't allowing myself
to fully feel into that and then go no and
truly start believing that I deserve something different than that,
like or the things that I thought that I you know,
the things that my soul desired and my heart desired,
Like I could not do that because I just maybe
I didn't think it existed. I don't really know exactly
(37:13):
the whys of that, but I didn't. I didn't know that.
But read the quote to me again because I want
to exactly there was something he said.
Speaker 2 (37:19):
That I want to create a vacuum between you and
what you're looking for instead of forcing it, step back
and draw it to you.
Speaker 1 (37:25):
Okay, And so what I feel like I was doing
in those relationships that I would know five months in
were not good, right, but I would stay for three years,
you know. And and that was me trying to go, Okay,
I'm gonna work hard enough to where this change is
into what I want instead of what ended up happening.
(37:47):
And I talk about the crash in my life a
couple years ago a lot, but it's like that was
such a fucking gift that it all crashed at the
same time because it was so overwhelming. I had to stop,
Like I was forced into it because like, you know,
the universe will send me a sign and I'm I
was like, yeah, but like you send me a signier
sign because I get that sign. So that was the
(38:10):
story of my life. And it was because it crashed
so hard, I was only left with myself and what
I was left with was the fucking biggest shell of
a human, Like I was not even able to function
in my day.
Speaker 3 (38:21):
To day activities.
Speaker 1 (38:23):
And so with that I had to get this place
of like I can't live like this anymore. I got
so fed up with the way my life was going that.
Speaker 3 (38:32):
I had to stop.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
And that that made me address my patterns. That made
me when I started dating again, say, like when I
recognized the things that I said, I recognized before I
was like very peacefully and very kindly, like, yo, we're
just on different journeys, and like I'm gonna go on
mine and left the relationship like it wasn't anything that needed.
Speaker 3 (38:52):
To be volatile.
Speaker 1 (38:52):
But I stopped staying and I stopped showing up or
I started noticing red flags quicker and not going to
them walking away from them. And then it is interesting
because I don't really feel like I sought out anything
that's come into my life since it does. It just
kind of started coming in and it was slow. It's
(39:13):
not like this has been overnight. And it's also like
it's not going to always be great, you know, Like
I'm in a really good period right now, but I'm
very much in the awareness of life ebbs and flows,
and so I'm just gonna embrace this period right now.
But like, the stuff that has come into my life
and stayed is so aligned with the true things that
my soul wants. And that's because I started paying attention
(39:37):
to what my soul wants. Right It circles back to
what you were saying at the beginning of the podcast,
like we can't shop for what our heart and our
soul wants outside of us. It's always inside of us. Yeah,
I don't know any of that makes sense. I know
I just went on a.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
Rant and no, it one hundred percent makes sense. You know.
I think often like there's so many external factors in
our lives, especially when it comes to dating and relationship,
because there's a million podcasts, there's books, there's your friends
that are in relationships, there's romanic romantic comedies and television
just all of the things, love songs that we think
it's just something that we have to go get. Yeah,
(40:12):
and it's or.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
If you do it like how your friend did it,
then you'll get it. But we can't because everyone's different.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Right, Yeah, And I you know, I would highly recommend
people going to chat GPT and put that in because
it's going to point some things out to you that
like seem obvious when you read them, but they're not
necessarily so obvious that you're seeing it without inquiring. And
you know, I made the joke before we got online
(40:39):
that the GPT of chat GPT is get personal therapy. Yeah,
and you know, look, there's a lot of people that
I you know, I've gone to therapy in my life.
I don't go nearly as much as you and I
haven't gone in forever, and it's probably because I'm uncomfortable
with that. I'm uncomfortable with being vulnerable with the person
I have to go in there and like say the
(40:59):
herd shit, but it ain't hard to say it to
my computer.
Speaker 4 (41:03):
So I really think that's like, yeah, there's no excuse,
And I think it could be sort of the impetus
to go deeper and maybe go find a therapist.
Speaker 2 (41:14):
So anyone who's listening that has avoided doing that because
they're scared or scared of vulnerability or whatever, maybe start
with chat GBT and like discover a few things about
yourself that like you need to be smacked with, and
maybe you'll go a little deeper.
Speaker 1 (41:31):
Well, one of the main things that I love talking
about Marnie, or in our conversation that I loved talking
about was that she kept talking about like if you
feel stuck, like again, I think it's like it's so
easy to go well there's no good men out there
or dating apps suck, and like I've done that. You
do that, Like, I think that's just normal because that
(41:52):
is your personal experience at the time. Like I definitely
lived that where I just kept like bumping up against
walls and it's defeating and it's like if but if
a relationship is truly what you want, you know, it's
so silly. Sometimes they say start dating yourself. But the
reason that works is because you start to act out
(42:14):
how you want to be treated. And that's like, that's
the energy that you're bringing to your life, Like you
even reading your book and taking that ten minutes in
the morning or whatever it is in your morning, or
taking that for yourself is kind of developing this system
in your world that when someone else comes into it,
they're probably going to be like of that same nature
(42:36):
or do the same thing, or they're going to honor
that about you, Like right, that doesn't mean they'll do
it exactly the same, but they're going to be a
person that wants that kind of thing too, because you're
like elevating your vibration by doing that, you know, so
then you draw in what is going to match that vibration,
not what's going to match the other stuff you've had
in your past. And I just think it was so
interesting because Martie kept pointing that out, like we want
(42:58):
to bitch about the things not but we don't really
focus on our part in it. And I know I
I think everyone can get sucked into that. Like it's
just difficult sometimes to go but I'm still showing up
for this or why am I picking this kind of person?
Like just getting curious more than anything. I think is
a really good place to start with relationships.
Speaker 2 (43:20):
Yeah, and that curiosity can start with you. Yeah, and
chat ChiPT and chat gibt.
Speaker 1 (43:26):
I will say this if you guys do really highly
suggest if you want to learn more about your astrology
and how you work with it, putting it into chatchepet
is great. But I will say sometimes it gets it wrong,
like you had that experience tip it told you had
a Bergamun and I go, no, you don't, you have
a Piscis moon. But so maybe run your Yeah, run
your chart in something like an astro dot com or
(43:48):
if you have the pattern app or Chawny or Chawny Chaney,
I don't know how to say her name fully, chaney app.
Do your chart in something else first so you have
that as a reference, so you can know the houses
and the actual signs that are true to your chart,
and then sid and check it, but just to make sure,
but it'll correct it, like you just have to go
(44:09):
back in and say no, I have this instead of that,
and it'll help correct it. But the themes are the
big help chat chebut you can really help with that
so and it's all connected. So anyway, if you guys
have questions, or you're curious about the same topic, or
you have experiences with this, you can always email us
at the Edge at velvet edge dot com or you
can hit me up on Instagram I'm at Velvet Edge.
(44:30):
I've loved getting messages from you guys recently, so thank
you so much for sliding into the DMS. You can
also slide into chips at.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
I'm at door shout chip dr sch So.
Speaker 1 (44:41):
As you guys go into the weekend, if you're living
on the edge, I hope you always remember too.
Speaker 2 (44:46):
Casual. Bye bye
Well, you came onto the Zoom call singing, and I
said to you, I wish for the listener's sake, I
was recording in those moments when you pop in and
you're just you know, bringing the Chip.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Joy and that joy. You know, it's funny because I
always like, I don't. I guess we're lucky that Zoom
doesn't just start with the camera on because that's like
no pants or whatever. But I forget that that's going
to be the case. So you're there like doing like
you don't even know I'm on yet, So that's why
I do it.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
What song were you singing?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
I think I was just like singing hello in a
funny way. But it wasn't. It wasn't like it wasn't
like the Adel song or the line of Riches.
Speaker 3 (00:40):
No, it wasn't. It was a Chip original.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
It was an original.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Yeah, you showed her. You really showed it.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Really showed her. I'm coming for you.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
I'm kind of excited about our topic today because we
have not exchanged notes, but we did our own little
personal research I guess you would call it. And I
do think the topic of relationships, which is what we're
going to dive into and patterns and relationships is really interesting,
Like I think it's something everyone can relate to. And
we talk about this like when we used to talk
(01:11):
about sex and relationships or dating or you know those
kind of things a lot. That seemed to be the
one that engaged the listeners the most. And I think
it's because it's a universal either issue or problem, or
it's just relatable because everyone goes through relationship struggles or
everyone is feeling yeah good or bad, Like everyone's in
(01:32):
relationships of some kind unless you live in a hole
up in a mountain.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
By yourself, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Like we're interacting with other human beings, whether it's friendships,
where relationships, romantic relationships, And I think what's interesting is
that your patterns can show up in all of the
different dynamics of relationships. Like it's not just that you
do something in romantic relationships, like you probably have taste
of it across the board. It may show up them
(02:00):
and romantic relationships. I do you feel like that's where
we get a little bit like triggered the most because
the stakes are higher, and there.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
I was going to say, there's more at risk, there's
more at risk.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
Your heart's more at risk.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
The person that you're dating or married to or whatever
is in more of your life as like a partnership,
like a you know, like.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
It's more of a choice. Like the way that you
are with your family just seems like, Oh, that's the
way that I am. But you know, through the research
that I did today and some of the digging, it
makes you realize, oh, the way you are is because
of the people that you grew up around and the
way that you were the relationships in your life, and
(02:39):
how that carries over to when you're trying to find
a romantic relationship that make it work.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Yeah, So it's all it's just all intertwined. And I
find this to be so fascinating. That would be I
just find relationship stuff to be so fascinating and why
we do what we do in relationships. So this started
because on Wednesday I talked to Marnie Butsa. She's a
transformational coach, entrepreneur, podcast host. But she's also the author
(03:05):
of this book called Your Radical Living Challenge. But she
also wrote a book called How to Find a Quality
Guy Without going on two hundred Dates. And I found
that to be very intriguing because one of the biggest
themes of conversation between friends of mine and I is that, uh,
I just don't want to, you know, go on more dates.
Like if we go through a breakup. One of the
(03:25):
biggest things people seem to say is like I just
can't imagine doing this all over again. Like that can
feel really exhausting, right, And one of the things that
I I'm constantly saying to people, and this is because
of my own experience and what really helped me was
that the end of a relationship is so interesting and
(03:46):
helpful actually if you can really look at your patterns
within that relationship and why that relationship didn't work, not
from a place of blame, but from a place of like, huh,
like what didn't work there, and just staying really curious
about it, you know, And like I know, for me,
there would be times where I would look back at
my relationships and how I showed up in those relationships
(04:08):
and it was messy, like it wasn't my best self.
Maybe that relationship brought out the worst side of me,
and I had to really address those things because I
didn't want that relationship to repeat and that would happen,
like if I didn't address those things.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
I was picking it, well, if you're.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Only ever placing blame, you're never going to correct the
things no attributing that, you know, led to the downfall
of the relationship.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
And the tricky part and I talked about this with
Marnie is like, it wasn't like I didn't have places
to place blame, do you know what I'm meaning? One
that could be an easy one to walk away from
and be like, well that guy's an asshole, or you know,
there was other situations I have a I mean, we'll
get into my patterns, but like my pattern my relationships
(04:54):
were toxic, and so it would be very easy for
me to focus on what my partner did wrong as
the thing that didn't make that relationship work. But I
had to really look at the fact that I kept
dating the same guy with a different face basically, I
mean it was truly like this same exact thing, and
it kept escalating into a bigger, worse, harder dynamic. And
(05:17):
so I was like, Okay, this is the time if
I want something different, Like, I got to look at
why this is happening for me. So that's kind of
what we're here to discuss, is Chip and I are
going to talk through some of the realizations we've had
in our own patterns and how that's changed and shifted.
And then for me, I really feel like some of
the work that I did at addressing those things is
(05:38):
why I am where I am now and feeling very
happy in a relationship and feeling completely different and completely
not chaotic or christy or any of the insanity that
I used to invite into my life via romantic relationships.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
This is honestly one of the first times that I've
even thought about.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Some of this stuff really well. That's good though. Yeah,
So Mel Robbins would be really proud of you right now.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
I mean, look at me growing. Yeah, And it was
funny because I felt like I needed that, Like, in hindsight,
I needed this conversation today because yesterday I had this thought,
like I've been I've been reading a lot of not
just self help books, but like self improvement books is
probably better, and I stopped last I haven't really read
(06:28):
in the last week because I went to stagecoach and
I've just been busy and whatever. And of course I
take a book everywhere, but then often when I travel
I never opened it. Yesterday I was just like, outside
of just being exhausted from the travel on the weekend
and all the things. I was like, why do we
just feel so down? I was like, not about myself.
(06:49):
And it's funny, like, how quickly those like the good
feelings from you know, external places that actually make you
go inside and internalize yourself. How quickly those good feelings
were off where you're not like working that muscle. And
then when this was oh yeah, and then when this
(07:09):
was the topic, I was like, Oh, this is a
really interesting like perspective to look at myself from. And
then when I was reading things, it made me feel
not so shitty about myself because it was giving me
perspective on me.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
So you know what else it is or that I
think it is. And again this is my experience, but
I think it's because when you were reading the stuff
that you read today, your soul felt seen again. And
I think often for me, and I don't know if
other people relate to this, but Chip and I have
similar lifestyles, and.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
So it's often.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
For me when I get really busy with work or
I'm traveling and I'm with people a ton. I don't
really mean to do this, but there's a little bit
of like self sacrifice that I do where I'm not
fully paying attention to myself. And it's been really interesting
to kind of like notice that dynamic when I keep
myself so busy and like going and going and going,
(08:02):
and especially when I'm traveling, because you're just with people
all the time, right, and it's fun. It's hard because
it's like it's good stuff, so you want to be
doing it, but what you've been doing is spending time
connecting with yourself, right. So when you're doing that, there's
like the balance that you kind of have to find
between like giving into the fun and like living life
(08:24):
and enjoying all the things that were so you know,
lucky to have and being disciplined enough to check in
with yourself and be like, hey, I'm still here, like
we're this is just fun. I'm focusing on that, but
I'm still here with you right now. And that sounds
kind of.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
Like woo woo.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
But the truth is then you read something and you
reconnected with yourself and you feel more at peace.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
Right. I Mean, that's a really interesting perspective because I
like I look back in my whole life and I've
always been the person that gravitates towards the fun and
of course analyze, yeah, like don't and don't analyze your
feelings and worry about yourself. Like for me, if I
was having fun, I was taking care of myself. Sure,
I was really lucky, you know to have this fun life,
(09:09):
but it was it was really eye opening to like
experience that. And now that you've put it into words,
it's that makes a ton of sense.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
Yeah, And it's not to say don't go have fun,
like those things are so important too. It's just to
kind of figure out how do I mix in even
if it's like fifteen minutes in the morning that you
go sit with yourself and like meditate or whatever. It
is like a lot of times we've been on trips
with our friends and I get made fun of, which
I can laugh at myself, so I think it's funny too.
But like, you know, I start my morning and I
(09:39):
like I have to go read or meditate and like
have an hour with my coffee, and everyone's like Kelly's
got to go do her routine. Yeah, but it's for
that exact reason is that I didn't want to get
back from the trip and feel the depletion and like
the low feelings like I still wanted to enjoy the
highs and the fun and all that stuff, but I
(09:59):
wanted to stay with myself throughout it because I just
noticed how much I would ebb and flow and emotionally
if I didn't.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
So yeah, I mean, and honestly, the whole reading part
for me, my goal in my new routine is ten
pages a day. Like, it's not like I finish a
book every day. Yes, ten pages. So it's usually one
of the first things I do when I wake up.
I try to not get on my phone or do
anything electronic, and I journal and then I read ten
pages and that just I didn't realize I was missing
(10:28):
that in this Like to me, I felt more like
I was ashamed that I was breaking my new routine.
And part of a new routine is figuring out how
that works exactly. Like it's a lot easier to start
a new routine when you're sitting in your house. Yeah,
everything is routine. Yeah, And the second that you a
wrench gets thrown into it, You're like, oh shit, how
(10:48):
does my new routine fit into this? And I just
kind of abandon that. So it's probably a combination of
like feeling down on myself for like fucking up my
new routine. But I do think part of it was
the checking in with myself, which is what that reading does,
because it's like when when I read things that are
a lot of it, Like I mean, we've talked about it,
even on you know, my love of mel like when
(11:10):
I listen to her podcast. A lot of it's really
obvious stuff, you know, it's it's not rocket science. It's
stuff that we need to be reminded of. And exactly
the books that I've been reading lately are those things
like how to create better habits. Of course I know
how to do it, but I need to be reminded.
And you feel like you see yourself in the words exactly.
So yeah, so that's a really interesting observation.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
So well, and I think, like anything.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Recording this today will help me in that way.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
I love that, you know, I love that that like
makes me so happy. Also, this is not the topic,
so we'll quickly get to the topic after I say this.
But one of the biggest things that I think we
miss or I personally missed a ton was so focused,
like so hyper focusing on external relationships, like my relationship
(11:58):
with my friends, my relationship with my work life, my
relationships with my boyfriends, my family, whatever that I forgot. Oh,
I have a relationship with myself and that should be
number one. Like that, and that's a constant reminder. I
still have to give myself every day too, because I
love caring for the people that I care about. I
love being having fun with them, I love being in relationship.
(12:21):
Like that's a huge part of my personality. But if
I don't have a good relationship with me, none of
those relationships are going to be good either, right, So
like that, it's just an interesting thing that you led,
like almost unintentionally with.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
The this is a really beautiful transitionship. Really, you just
like nailed that.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Oh what I just said thinks yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Because when you were like, this isn't our topic of conversation,
and I thought, well, aren't we talking about relationships?
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Well, but I mean, but that is the truth is,
like we so often focus on well, fuck, I'm not
getting the relationship I like, or guys suck and blah
blah blah blah blah. You know, like we get so
angry about things falling apart externally and we forget get
to go. But what am I doing within myself because
all of those relationships are just mirroring what's happening within
us at all times. Like that is one truth that
(13:09):
I have really come to realize, and that's like such
a reminder of my soul's purpose of why I would
be even drawing in toxic relationships. And it's like the
funny thing when you go, God, you know this boyfriend
that I have is really neglecting me and he works
all the time, or he's an addict and he doesn't
treat me right and blah blah blah, And then I
(13:30):
would look in the mirror and be like, hey, when's
the last time you checked in with yourself? Because I'm
neglecting myself too, you know, like basically I'm doing what
I'm getting so pissed at that other person for doing
to me. So how can I ask someone else to
do it if I'm not even willing to do it
with myself. Like it's kind of eye opening when you
look at it that way.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Something that really spoke to me that Marnie said on
Wednesday's podcast was this line. She said, transformation doesn't end, Okay,
we don't just fix it, and that can kind of
like put into respective what I was feeling after having
not read, because I was really beating myself up about
it and.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
All over yourself, you should, all over myself.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
And it made me realize that, like any sort of
transformation is constant, and there will be highs and lows,
and you cannot just let the lows outweigh the highs,
even though I think I feel those more than the highs,
Like because the highs that you take for granted, you know,
like you're having fun, everything's great, like the sandy, but
when it's the low stuff, you feel like you're never
(14:31):
it's you're gonna get stuck there.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
Well, I think you specifically because you don't allow yourself
to go low often, so when you do, you're like, what.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Is Yeah, yeah, it makes me want to question everything
in my life. Yeah, really nothing. It was just said
I was craving some of that sort of transformational work. Yeah,
and that's that's fine. Like it's I'm okay with that
being constant, which is just also a kind of a
clue to like keep doing it.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
I think that's so true, and it's also so you learning,
Oh this feels good to me, Like I like this
and I want to keep going on this path. But
I think you're making such a good point. I forgot
that she said that on Wednesday, and I want to
point that out before we start dissecting ourselves and talking
a little bit about our relationship patterns, because I used
to do that too with myself, and I would feel
(15:18):
very much like I was separate from everyone else in
the fact that like I could not make relationships work,
is what it felt like, and like I made up
this story in my head, like you're more fucked up
than everyone else, you know, like everyone else has it
figured out, which now I believe is just a very
common human mindset of ours to feel like everyone else
(15:39):
knows something we don't and they kind of have it
more figured out than us, and to kind of shame
ourselves or should should all over ourselves, like that we
should have this figured out, we should and all of
these things that we talk about on this podcast, and
this includes everything in my perspective, but specifically relationships. They're
constantly a place for evolution. Like I am in a
(16:01):
very happy relationship right now, and I still get triggered
and I still learn something new about myself every single day,
Like every single conversation I have with him. I will
recognize something in myself that I'm like, oh that's interesting
or you know whatever. And I'm just a very like
curious person, like I'm probably a little more. I just
(16:22):
do that, like analyze things a little more than most.
But I do think that's important to say, is like
we're never just gonna figure it out. Like it's not
like you just get it right after you start doing
work on yourself or analyzing things like we're gonna do today.
It's just interesting to know and to continue layering onto
that and going deeper into that and just like going
(16:44):
on the journey with it, Like it's a journey. It's
not this end result thing. And so if you start
working on yourself and then you don't get into the
perfect relationship right away, that's not a thing of shame.
It's just like more information.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Really Yeah, well, I mean it's I don't think anyone
even though I think we all do, I don't think
anyone should expect it to happen overnight either.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Well, and nothing's perfect even if it does, even if
you do get in a happy relationship, nothing's perfect, Like
everyone's human, so there's always going to be stuff. My
mom always says, where there's people, there's problems, you know,
and that's just the truth.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Like people are just messy.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
So okay, so in summary, don't be too hard on yourself.
These are just interesting things we're working on, and relationships
are just a big point of learning about yourself.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Really.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
So what we did, because this is like our new
favorite thing to do, is we make like basically Chip
and I journaled about our relationship patterns essentially, like we
just wrote down kind of our history, what we noticed
about ourselves, maybe where we came from, like in our childhood,
what the family system looked like. And we even put
(17:52):
in astrology. And then we took all of that and
put it into chat cheapy tea almost as like a
can you diagnose my patterns? Just to see what it
would say. I wanted to know if it would line
up with what I thought I had learned about my
patterns and mine really did?
Speaker 3 (18:07):
Did yours?
Speaker 2 (18:08):
Yeah? I mean I haven't. I feel like you've done
a lot more learning prior to this. Okay, for me,
it was more just eye opening.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
That's good.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
So because it's it's it's funny, like I feel like
I'm a pretty self aware person, but I don't think
I spend that much time thinking about myself and like
what could I do? How could I do that better?
And it's that's kind of a narcissistic.
Speaker 3 (18:33):
Thing, what to think about yourself?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
No, no to not, oh you know what I mean,
it's like I should I should be, like I should be,
I know, but I still should be examining myself more.
And this was that This was pretty eye opening too,
but also too, I think it's really natural to look
back at relationships and either simply just blame the other
(18:55):
person or just think that you're not good at them,
you know, or you're not the yes, and neither of
those things are true. They're probably a little bit both true,
but they're not. Neither of them are true.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
They're their surface is what they're going they're not going
into the Like I hate when people say I'm just
not good at relationships. I'm like, no, you're just fucking
lazy because you don't want to look at.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Why like that.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
That's genuinely what I think, And I don't like when
people kind of put it under this big umbrella of like, oh, well,
I'm never going to figure that out or I'm never
going to be able to have that. You can have
whatever you want, you just might have to work at
it and look deeper at the most, you know, the
uncomfortable pieces of you that a lot of people just.
Speaker 3 (19:39):
Don't want to face.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
And that's what makes you bad at relationships, not the
fact that you didn't learn those skills. Most of us
didn't learn the skills to have healthy relationships. Like I know,
I know you talked about your parents had you young,
like or they were together since they were so young.
My parents had me so young, and it's like they
were kids themselves. How would they know how to like
do things, you know.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Like I raise a child today, I don't feel could.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
You imagine, Like I think about if I had had
a kid my parents My mom was twenty four, and
I'm like, if I had a kid at twenty four,
who fucking knows where they'd be, Like, I.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Mean, they definitely would have come out drunk.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
It's just like hard to look at that.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
So the fact that they did the job they did,
I'm so grateful for now as an adult looking at
what that means. You know, Okay, but I want to
know when you were first even writing down what you
looked back at your relationships and saw what do you
find to be the consistent patterns for you? Okay, but
(20:47):
I want to know when you were first even writing
down what you looked back at your relationships and saw
what do you find to be the consistent patterns for you?
Speaker 2 (20:57):
I mean, the most consistent one is like being not
emotionally available in the proper way that you weren't. That
I wasn't, I am. The thing that stuck out to
me was this thing called emotional self sufficiency. And it's
got a double edged sword because I'm incredibly like resilient
(21:19):
and self aware, but then I also struggle to trust
people and let them in.
Speaker 3 (21:23):
That's so Scorpio, you know, like.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
And it's so true, like I because I feel like
every time I've gotten into a relationship, like I think
it's going to end the next day. I think, And
I feel like any little argument will end it the
next day. And so I'll I often will just like
push down and bottle up the small things which then
become cancerous. Yeah, I'm just really because it's like I
(21:50):
want everything to be copasetic all the time. I want
life to be fun. I'm a seven, you know, and
so it's like one little tiny thing I have, and
this isn't even just and romantic relationships. I like, I
think I looked back at like when I've had an
assistant in my career, like I can't even ask them
to correct the little thing. I just go in and
do it myself, and then I'm resentful of it.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
And it's also like, then why do you have an assistant,
right right, because it's.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Not really say that to myself, but not to them.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Of course, it's like adding more work to your plate though.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
Totally yeah, yeah, So it's you know, that one little
thing was enough to be like, oh my god, this
is going to name It was one of the first
things that spit out.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Well, okay, so this is what's so interesting. And I
don't know if anyone else, like I'm about to nerd
out so hard, So I hope that anyone else finds
this interesting. But like for me listening to you say that,
I'm like, well, of course you just like you have
told me, and maybe we should share this a little
bit with the listeners. But when you talk about your
family life, you often say, like your parents you felt
(22:56):
like they've been together forever, Like you felt almost shame
because you haven't been able to like do a long
term relationship, and that's what you grew up around. Like
they were high school speedthearts, right, so it was like
this thing of this pressure of like I got to
figure it out.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
But then you do describe like your dad worked late.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
At night and so like he was very much like
came home from work, eat dinner, go to bed. So
that's not a lot of availability, right.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
No, and showed very little emotion.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Yeah, and then your mom was like running the house
doing all the stuff and maybe not the most emotionally
available person either.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
So yeah, and she went to anger a lot too.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
Okay, so that was the one emotion she could go to. Yeah,
but so okay, Well that actually gives me even more
of an interesting thing because it's like, okay, so first
of all, we shame ourselves for not knowing how to
do things, but it's like, well, how the fuck would
you know how to do that? Like you grew up
in a household where there weren't very many emotions that
seemed acceptable, you know, so you have to stuff them.
(24:00):
And then if your mom's going to anger as the
only thing, of course, you walk on eggshells and relationships
and think I don't want to set anyone off or
it's going to end because you're so used to anger.
Then the deer nerd shit that I'm about to do
is if you look at your astrology, so it's like
you tie your astrology into that, and you have a
(24:20):
double Scorpio in your top three, like he's Scorpio's sign
in Scorpio rising and then a piss's moon for any
of my astrology nerds, So like you're very emotional as
a human, but they weren't safe, and so you suppress
instead of express. And Scorpio is already probably the most
secretive sign, like because you don't ever want to look
(24:41):
vulnerable as a Scorpio, right, but you are, like Scorpios
feel things so deeply. All of your top three is water,
so you feel things deeply, but you don't really want
anyone to know that because you don't feel not because
you don't like believe them to be valid or maybe
you don't.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
That's something for you look at, but like you have
never felt like that was a safe thing to do
to express emotions, so you didn't.
Speaker 3 (25:05):
Learn how to do it.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
Yeah, and so manifest into your adult relationships isn't that fascinating?
Like why is that so interesting to me?
Speaker 2 (25:15):
And it also just I mean the astrology part aside,
it also just seems so obvious, like why wouldn't the
things that you have learned in your childhood play a
massive role in your head?
Speaker 3 (25:30):
Exactly?
Speaker 1 (25:31):
But you say that and I just basically like summed
it all kind of up for you. But you said
to me before the podcast chat ChiPT nailed me, and
it's like I should have thought about this stuff, and
why wasn't I making those connections? And most people don't. Right,
That's why I get so excited about it when people
start doing it, because I'm like, yo, it's all right there,
Like it's it's not like we don't have to suffer
(25:54):
as much, I think, as adults as we do just
because we're scared to look at this. And it's like
it doesn't need to be scary. Yes, it can be painful,
and a lot of people did endure very painful childhoods
are very painful relationships in adulthood.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
I did it, like in a lot of ways.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
I also had a lot of great experiences and positive things,
but like there were things I needed to address and
they were painful. However, if you walk through it, the
stuff on the other side is just so much bigger
and better, and it's like your relationships are better, you
can love more, more freely, you can trust people Like
(26:33):
I don't know, I just find it to be so
fascinating that we're so scared to look at these things,
and then if you actually look at them, they lose
their power a little bit, if that makes sense, Like
they're not so big and bad and scary. You're kind
of like, oh, yeah, duh, that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Well, the irony is I mean, I would imagine if
I feel this a lot of people feel it. You're
scared that you're going to learn something about yourself that
you don't want to know. Yeah, and it causes you
to not learn the things about yourself that you need
to know to.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Give you peace and to make it like, to make
your shit make sense and not You're not this like
terminally unique person with that's so fucked up you're beyond repair.
It's like, oh, of course you wouldn't necessarily know how
to express feelings. You never learned how but look, you're
a forty how old are you?
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Forty nine?
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Forty nine year old man? You do have the capacity
now to look at it right, you have the ability
to go do that and change things.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
We're never too I also, you know, being a closeted
kid in a small talent. It's like I there were
feelings that I did recognize that I chose not to
talk about because I didn't know how they would be received.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
And it's get stories there too, yeah, of course.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Like yeah, absolutely, but it's I mean, that's another reason
why I have trouble with vulnerability. It's not that I
don't feel these things or think these things. It's that
when it comes time for it to come out of
my mouth, I choke, you know, Like that's because that's
the right I'll even think about just not even like
(28:10):
you know, romantic things, but I could compliment to a
friend that I really want to say, and I'll like
tear up thinking about saying it, knowing that I can't
say it, you know what I mean. Like it's and
I've evolved a lot, like the older I've got. Yeah,
and I think text honestly, texting has helped because I
can there is that shield. So you know, in the
(28:33):
last pseudo relationship that I was in, I was able
to really fucking say how I felt at the end,
and that I would have never been able to do
that in person. Yeah, but I succinctly put my emotions
down and said how I felt and walked away from it.
And that's you know, I'm fine. Maybe that's all I'll
ever be able to do, but at least I figure
(28:54):
out a way to express myself. And you know, thank
God for that. You know, technology is of in a
way that we can do.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Those things, but you also are evolving, so don't miss that.
Speaker 3 (29:05):
Like that's massive progress.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Even like those are they might feel like small wins,
but they're wins right.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
Now, and you just got to do it. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
Yeah, My patterns are just to me. You know, it's
like very interesting too, because it's like duh, you know,
it's just when I look at it on paper sometimes
I'm like, well, of course, I mean, I grew up
in an alcoholic household and my dad's even come on
this podcast. He's been sober since I was eight. But
we talked about that, and like, I'm so grateful that
(29:34):
he can share his story now in the way that
he can, because I know he's helping tons of people
even in the work that he does on himself. But
the interesting thing about alcoholism that I don't know that's
talked about a ton is like from the outside, if
you're not in a situation where like addiction is in
your family or your life, a lot of people think, like, oh,
drinking is the problem, right, And so it's like people
(29:58):
I think I grew up a lot with people being like, oh,
nobody knew there was any issues in my house because
my dad stopped drinking when he was eight, right, But
the drinking is always just a symptom of deeper things.
And so like you're trying to mask something, and that's
with any addiction, right, Like there's sex addiction, drug addiction.
(30:18):
Codependency is an addiction, Like that is part of all
of this stuff. And so there were dynamics in my
family system that developed because of alcoholism. But like alcohol
was probably one of the smaller parts of the problem.
It was like, right, once that got removed, it definitely
got easier to see the things that were the problem.
But like, as a family system, we all had to
(30:40):
address the things, and like I just developed patterns while
my family worked through that, and a codependency was one
of them. But also, like this people pleasing thing for
me was a big one and feeling like, you know,
I remember and I say this to my parents now
and we talk about it, but like my parents would
always say to me, you're just such a joy, which
(31:00):
I know sounds like what people would want to hear, right,
But as a child, I took that on as I
always had to.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
Do that needs to be here me that way, and.
Speaker 3 (31:08):
That was my role.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
And so whether it was wanting to make either of
my parents feel better or my little brother, like making
sure he was okay, like I took on this responsibility
that wasn't what they were asking of me, but I
just that was how I interpreted it, and so those
were the patterns I developed. Then the other flip side
of that is that my parents did get you know,
(31:29):
my dad got sober. My mom really worked on her
stuff too, and they still do to this day. They
have taught me so much. It's why I've gotten into
all the work that I've done on myself, and so
I'm so grateful for them for that. But it almost
fucked me up in a weird way too, because I
saw that people can change and thought that that's what
everyone wanted to do. So when I would go into
(31:53):
my adult relationships. My pattern with guys became not only
playing that role of like the helper, the fixer, I'm
gonna bring joy to your life and make everything better.
It also gave me this like mentality that people could change,
and so I had this expectation that you know, their
potential was going to be enough, and if I worked
(32:15):
hard enough, they would change too, and they would get
better and they would become available for me or the
best partner ever or whatever. You know. Like I was
very always into the very like charming, charismatic guy that
was great at first, but then like all the shit
would hit the fan once I got into the relationship
and I had just a pattern of dating addicts, like
go fucking figure. It was what I knew from a child.
(32:37):
As a child, Yeah, and I did that over and
over and over and over. I even did it, Like
my big crash was obviously what I tell you guys
about when the wedding happened and got canceled. And then
I still did the same patterns once I like got
into my own recovery work and just therapy and all
(32:59):
this stuff, Like it took me over a decade to
kind of break some of these things and that's okay.
Like I look at it now and I'm like, oh,
it was all stepping stones, like I was progressing, but
it's just it's slower than you think it should be.
And so that's why I loved what you said at
the beginning, like it's an ever evolving thing. It's not like, oh,
I just go to therapy for six months and I'm fixed,
(33:19):
you know, like these are these are patterns that are
ingrained into your nervous system and it's it's what we
like learn to be our safety and so you really
have a lot of unlearning to do. But but yeah,
so those were mine. And then like the way I
would show up was very much overperforming, which all of
(33:39):
these don't sound like bad qualities, but like I would
do it to the point of literally like I was
the only one really showing up in the relationship. Like
like our fringe Gillian Tareki that has been on the
podcast Multiple Signs says, if you're a giver, date another giver.
And I used to always I am a giver, but
I used to always date takers and so all that
it would end up is like I would get in
(34:01):
these relationships where I would be building up their life,
like I would very much work into their life, help
them make their life better in some way, and realize
by the end of it, I was a shell of
human like I just barely was alive, hanging on, you know,
like when you date addicts as well, they have very
narcissistic tendencies, and so it was just like it would
(34:22):
crush me because I couldn't understand, like I just as
an EmPATH that you know, empathetic person or EmPATH, whatever
you want to call it, myself, I just couldn't understand,
like why wouldn't they think of me, or why wouldn't
they be operating from the place that I was with
the giving and I would think that I could change
(34:43):
them by doing more of it.
Speaker 2 (34:53):
I saw a quote from Rick Orus in the other
day that, Yeah, I think sort of fits into this
exactly because you know, a lot of it is what
we've talked about, is wanting other people to change, you know,
and you know a big part of being a relationship
is recognizing the role that you're playing in it. And
(35:13):
when you're dating, you know, people that have these surface
falls alcoholism, narcissism, those sorts of things it's really easy
to be like I'm doing all this stuff well, not
recognizing the things that the failures that you're bringing to
the relationship maybe, which could be as simple as not
standing up for yourself, you know, or whatever I say,
staying I'm staying.
Speaker 3 (35:34):
I would stay way too long.
Speaker 2 (35:36):
But this this quote that really resonated with me. He said,
create a vacuum between you and what you're looking for
instead of forcing it, step back and draw it to you.
Speaker 3 (35:46):
It's the way.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
Okay, So now that we've set our patterns, I want
to move into kind of you know, I think we're
having the realizations here. But like what he just said
that sums up why my life is different now because
I stopped getting so mad, and I think, like, again,
this has what you said is so true about when
you look at your life. Like I'm talking about my
(36:09):
dating relationships, but this was every relationship, and it was
it was in certain friendships that I had, it was
in certain work relationships that I had, and it was
what I kept getting drawn to. And it was almost
like this like magnetic force in those types of relationships
that I could not stop myself from going to. And
(36:29):
it was just like I don't know. I just kept
repeating it. What I believe now is the reason I
kept being drawn to it is because I wasn't actually
healing it. I was just like almost intellectualizing the stuff
that I just said. Like I knew I came from
an addicted based you know, relationship of family system. I
knew I was codependent. I knew logically all these things
(36:51):
are intellectually all these things, but I wasn't allowing myself
to fully feel into that and then go no and
truly start believing that I deserve something different than that,
like or the things that I thought that I you know,
the things that my soul desired and my heart desired,
Like I could not do that because I just maybe
I didn't think it existed. I don't really know exactly
(37:13):
the whys of that, but I didn't. I didn't know that.
But read the quote to me again because I want
to exactly there was something he said.
Speaker 2 (37:19):
That I want to create a vacuum between you and
what you're looking for instead of forcing it, step back
and draw it to you.
Speaker 1 (37:25):
Okay, And so what I feel like I was doing
in those relationships that I would know five months in
were not good, right, but I would stay for three years,
you know. And and that was me trying to go, Okay,
I'm gonna work hard enough to where this change is
into what I want instead of what ended up happening.
(37:47):
And I talk about the crash in my life a
couple years ago a lot, but it's like that was
such a fucking gift that it all crashed at the
same time because it was so overwhelming. I had to stop,
Like I was forced into it because like, you know,
the universe will send me a sign and I'm I
was like, yeah, but like you send me a signier
sign because I get that sign. So that was the
(38:10):
story of my life. And it was because it crashed
so hard, I was only left with myself and what
I was left with was the fucking biggest shell of
a human, Like I was not even able to function
in my day.
Speaker 3 (38:21):
To day activities.
Speaker 1 (38:23):
And so with that I had to get this place
of like I can't live like this anymore. I got
so fed up with the way my life was going that.
Speaker 3 (38:32):
I had to stop.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
And that that made me address my patterns. That made
me when I started dating again, say, like when I
recognized the things that I said, I recognized before I
was like very peacefully and very kindly, like, yo, we're
just on different journeys, and like I'm gonna go on
mine and left the relationship like it wasn't anything that needed.
Speaker 3 (38:52):
To be volatile.
Speaker 1 (38:52):
But I stopped staying and I stopped showing up or
I started noticing red flags quicker and not going to
them walking away from them. And then it is interesting
because I don't really feel like I sought out anything
that's come into my life since it does. It just
kind of started coming in and it was slow. It's
(39:13):
not like this has been overnight. And it's also like
it's not going to always be great, you know, Like
I'm in a really good period right now, but I'm
very much in the awareness of life ebbs and flows,
and so I'm just gonna embrace this period right now.
But like, the stuff that has come into my life
and stayed is so aligned with the true things that
my soul wants. And that's because I started paying attention
(39:37):
to what my soul wants. Right It circles back to
what you were saying at the beginning of the podcast,
like we can't shop for what our heart and our
soul wants outside of us. It's always inside of us. Yeah,
I don't know any of that makes sense. I know
I just went on a.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
Rant and no, it one hundred percent makes sense. You know.
I think often like there's so many external factors in
our lives, especially when it comes to dating and relationship,
because there's a million podcasts, there's books, there's your friends
that are in relationships, there's romanic romantic comedies and television
just all of the things, love songs that we think
it's just something that we have to go get. Yeah,
(40:12):
and it's or.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
If you do it like how your friend did it,
then you'll get it. But we can't because everyone's different.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Right, Yeah, And I you know, I would highly recommend
people going to chat GPT and put that in because
it's going to point some things out to you that
like seem obvious when you read them, but they're not
necessarily so obvious that you're seeing it without inquiring. And
you know, I made the joke before we got online
(40:39):
that the GPT of chat GPT is get personal therapy. Yeah,
and you know, look, there's a lot of people that
I you know, I've gone to therapy in my life.
I don't go nearly as much as you and I
haven't gone in forever, and it's probably because I'm uncomfortable
with that. I'm uncomfortable with being vulnerable with the person
I have to go in there and like say the
(40:59):
herd shit, but it ain't hard to say it to
my computer.
Speaker 4 (41:03):
So I really think that's like, yeah, there's no excuse,
And I think it could be sort of the impetus
to go deeper and maybe go find a therapist.
Speaker 2 (41:14):
So anyone who's listening that has avoided doing that because
they're scared or scared of vulnerability or whatever, maybe start
with chat GBT and like discover a few things about
yourself that like you need to be smacked with, and
maybe you'll go a little deeper.
Speaker 1 (41:31):
Well, one of the main things that I love talking
about Marnie, or in our conversation that I loved talking
about was that she kept talking about like if you
feel stuck, like again, I think it's like it's so
easy to go well there's no good men out there
or dating apps suck, and like I've done that. You
do that, Like, I think that's just normal because that
(41:52):
is your personal experience at the time. Like I definitely
lived that where I just kept like bumping up against
walls and it's defeating and it's like if but if
a relationship is truly what you want, you know, it's
so silly. Sometimes they say start dating yourself. But the
reason that works is because you start to act out
(42:14):
how you want to be treated. And that's like, that's
the energy that you're bringing to your life, Like you
even reading your book and taking that ten minutes in
the morning or whatever it is in your morning, or
taking that for yourself is kind of developing this system
in your world that when someone else comes into it,
they're probably going to be like of that same nature
(42:36):
or do the same thing, or they're going to honor
that about you, Like right, that doesn't mean they'll do
it exactly the same, but they're going to be a
person that wants that kind of thing too, because you're
like elevating your vibration by doing that, you know, so
then you draw in what is going to match that vibration,
not what's going to match the other stuff you've had
in your past. And I just think it was so
interesting because Martie kept pointing that out, like we want
(42:58):
to bitch about the things not but we don't really
focus on our part in it. And I know I
I think everyone can get sucked into that. Like it's
just difficult sometimes to go but I'm still showing up
for this or why am I picking this kind of person?
Like just getting curious more than anything. I think is
a really good place to start with relationships.
Speaker 2 (43:20):
Yeah, and that curiosity can start with you. Yeah, and
chat ChiPT and chat gibt.
Speaker 1 (43:26):
I will say this if you guys do really highly
suggest if you want to learn more about your astrology
and how you work with it, putting it into chatchepet
is great. But I will say sometimes it gets it wrong,
like you had that experience tip it told you had
a Bergamun and I go, no, you don't, you have
a Piscis moon. But so maybe run your Yeah, run
your chart in something like an astro dot com or
(43:48):
if you have the pattern app or Chawny or Chawny Chaney,
I don't know how to say her name fully, chaney app.
Do your chart in something else first so you have
that as a reference, so you can know the houses
and the actual signs that are true to your chart,
and then sid and check it, but just to make sure,
but it'll correct it, like you just have to go
(44:09):
back in and say no, I have this instead of that,
and it'll help correct it. But the themes are the
big help chat chebut you can really help with that
so and it's all connected. So anyway, if you guys
have questions, or you're curious about the same topic, or
you have experiences with this, you can always email us
at the Edge at velvet edge dot com or you
can hit me up on Instagram I'm at Velvet Edge.
(44:30):
I've loved getting messages from you guys recently, so thank
you so much for sliding into the DMS. You can
also slide into chips at.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
I'm at door shout chip dr sch So.
Speaker 1 (44:41):
As you guys go into the weekend, if you're living
on the edge, I hope you always remember too.
Speaker 2 (44:46):
Casual. Bye bye
Host
Kelly Henderson
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