July 11, 2025 • 36 mins
Kelly and Chip are back with a catch-up session full of life updates, laughs, and a deep dive into the way modern relationships are being redefined. From couples who live apart to the surprising perks of separate bedrooms, they unpack the rise of “off-kilter” domestic arrangements and why more people are choosing love on their own terms. Chip shares his perspective on how the queer community has long been ahead of the curve in rewriting the rules—and why that might be a good thing for everyone.
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HOSTS:
Kelly Henderson // @velvetsedge // velvetsedge.com
Chip Dorsch // @chipdorsch
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, we're a little late start recording because you needed
to relocate what just happened. I feel like I was
very concerned. I literally thought to myself, is he having
a stroke? Because of that text you sent me? Tell
the listeners what's going on.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
So I'm at home in Virginia. My parents out at
your parents so and you know, I live alone.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
So I also like very low, like it's like, are
you worry they're going to hear you right now?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Well, I mean they're both hard at hearing, so probably not. Anyway,
you know, I live alone, so I'm used to a
controlled environment, and now that I'm home with them, my
mom turns eighty on she will have turned eighty on
Wednesday when this airs.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Yes, so it was on Friday.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
You're very right, right, So she yeah, she will have
already turned eighty.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Yeah, birthday July night, Wednesday.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
So we're recording this early. And lover loved my parents' death.
But they're they're in their eighties, they're old, and some
things are just funny. And anyway, the internet's not a
great to their house. So I'd set up in the
dining room where it was gonna be quiet, and then
the internet didn't reach there, and then I was like,
I'm move into this room, but my mom's oxygen machine's
(01:11):
like and so now I'm hiding in my parents' bedroom
with my dogs locked upstairs so they're not bothering me.
It's just a lot of noise, lots of young and
the restless plan and elevel you know.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
On volume Alevel.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
But your stories though, to watch her stories my dad
today was so funny. They we were sitting at the table.
I was working and he was eating some lunch, and
my mom was paying bill writing checks to pay bills.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
And it's love how you act like that's so insulting,
Like your mom is being a law abiding citizens.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
In those checks. I think it's so funny that she's
writing checks.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
It feels the same tone that you get when someone
has a green text. You're kind of just so insulted
by it.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
Somebody sent me up.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Well, I'll digress, but I made a funny green text
joke the other day. But yeah, the clock it had
turned from you know, twelve to fifty nine to one
o'clock and they had been watching the news and then
Dad goes, ooh, we're on the wrong channel, and he
switched it over to Young and the Restless for my
mom's stories. And my mom like literally was like a
kid with an iPad. She like looked up from her
(02:23):
bills and was just like staring at the screen.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
I'm like, Mom, don't forget to be bills.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
It's so interesting though, because as much as we're laughing
about this, we all do the same things. It's just
our generation does it in a little bit of a
different way. Like you just mentioned the iPad. That's the
younger generations for us. Maybe it's reality TV. Like someone
could definitely turn on Love Island and I would be
the same exact way. Oh god, what's happening.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
My Mom's in so deep on Young and the Restless
she's been watching. I mean, I'm almost family.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
She connected. They're her people. I'm like, I can't believe some.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
Of these actors are even still alive.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
I know, I know there was one recently a DAB,
but I think it was a general hospital. So talk
to Claudia, let me know if that was the role story.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
I'll find out.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Make sure she's doing all right, and sure should as
send her some condolences, some.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Fake flowers so they last as long as her stories.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Right, Well, it's very funny. Did you have a good
fourth though?
Speaker 3 (03:23):
I know you were did it was really really chill?
It was so chill.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I mean I went there's a little town that's gotten
pretty touristy near my house called Cape Charles, Virginia, and
I mean it's a beautiful, like Chesapeake Bayside, like historic
little town.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
It feels almost New England. Ye in a way.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
That's cool.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
It's really cute. And they had a pretty incredible fireworks display.
I was really shocked. I was like, where'd they get
the budget for this? It was like thirty minutes long
and like legit fireworks.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
So I went down and watched that on the beach
with some friends and yeah, pretty chill.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
How about yours?
Speaker 1 (03:59):
It was great? I mean, you know, we were working.
I had dirts at the Downtown Nashville show. And I
gotta say, Nashville is like the number two in the
number two city in the nation. I think at fireworks
and every year I am just blown away. I mean
it's unbelievable. Honestly, I had to leave halfway through. This
is so like impath shit. I know my listeners will
(04:21):
relate if they have heard me talk about this. At all,
but we were so close because of where we were standing,
like because it was all on the river front, you know,
and because we had done the show, then we just
walked down.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Yeah, they moved the stage closer to the river this year. Yeah,
everything Broadway.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Everything was right there, right on the river, downtown Nashville.
And so when the fireworks started, like the fireworks go
up over the river, that's where they're done. And so
we're standing there like at the side of the river,
and it was basically like they were happening right above me,
if that makes sense. But it was so loud and
so overstimulating because it sounds like cannon's going off. And
(04:58):
I don't know if this is like the programming and
my brain of mass events and like all the shootings
we've had or whatever, but I started to like panic
a little bit just hearing these noises. And then like
there was three hundred and sixty five thousand people downtown,
which is crazy crazy, you know how in with crowds too.
So it was literally the combination of all things that
(05:20):
my little impath body cannot take. And then so I'm.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
Like probably've been down there all day too.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Yeah, and it was hot, you know, but it was beautiful,
Like I loved it, but I was just like I
got to get out before traffic, and I was driving
one of our friends home too, and so she and
I left ten minutes into the fireworks show. Like I thought,
all right, we'll be good. Well, this one cop decided
we couldn't go through this road, so we sat in
traffic for an hour. So it went from being over
stimulated in that capacity to then sitting in traffic for
(05:46):
an hour trying to leave. We made the best of it.
We used it as like a catch up session in
the car. We were actually texting with you some. But
it was a lot for my little body. So then
the next day I was just exhausted.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Yeah, Though I used to like shame the shit out
of myself for that stuff, and now I'm just like, no,
this is just me. And there's certain things that are
amazing experiences. I'm so grateful that I get to do them,
and sometimes I get a little bit overwhelmed, like it
happens all at a ward shows too. I really struggle also.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Like fireworks, it's not like I mean, they're just a moment.
It's not like you're gonna like regret missing the.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Well we watched from the car it actually.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
Have any fifth explosion. You know, you're not gonna like
it's kind of like it's a nostalgia thing. You're like, Oh, Okay,
I saw enough, I'm done.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
I will say I have always loved fireworks, like from Afar.
To me, it's just so beautiful and it kind of
gives me that same emotion that I get when I
stand next to the ocean, like you feel really small,
you know, And I just find them to for some reason.
It's not like it's like a natural thing like a
mountain or an ocean or anything that the universe created
(06:55):
and so I can like have a moment with God.
But for some reason, it kind of stimulates that in me.
And I don't know if it's just like they're so big,
but they're also so beautiful, Like Nashville's truly are insanely gorgeous.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
What shocks me is like when they take certain shapes
and stuff, You're like, how did they do that?
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Oh my god? They were doing stuff with drones, like
they wrote out Nashville and drones. They had this whole
tribute to the military in drones. It was just I mean,
it was unbelievable.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
I just I don't know how.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Yeah, it had to be a lot of money, but
I truly don't know how they did it. So props
to Nashville for your amazing show. I'm sorry that I
had to watch from a car.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
I hope you they should be apologizing to you for
making you send in your car for an hour.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Anyway, I loved my podcast on Wednesday, and I was
just filling you in on it, and we just thought
we don't even need to come up with a new
theme because these topics are so interesting and I really
wanted to get your take because first of all, it
was with this author and professor at Georgetown University. She's
also a journalist. Her name's Kelly Coyne. And if you
(07:59):
haven't that podcast yet, I just find it fascinating. You know,
There's a couple of different things going through my head
because I'm a very curious person and I always want
to talk about other options. I don't find it like
intimidating or overwhelming or weird, you know, like I just
like to see what how are different people living their lives.
I find that fascinating. Doesn't mean I'm going to go
(08:22):
live my life in one particular way or another. But
I just find it interesting to like have different takes
or different options and just have variation. Let's just put
it that way. And I know a lot of other
people are just other people. I don't know if it's
a lot can feel overwhelmed by that or intimidated or
it scares them that there would be all these other
(08:42):
variations of how to live life. And so I found
this to be an interesting topic because I wondered what
it brought up in people, Like do people look at
it like I do, and like they're just thinking this
is fascinating or does it scare people? And I know
a lot of the talks in the last this is
probably since the new presidency, but I have felt a
lot of talks about getting back to like, you know,
(09:06):
the marriage unit as it used to be and the
family unit as it used to be. So I know
that's very important to a lot of people right now too.
So I don't know, it's just like a very interesting
concept to me. I really like these ideas and topics,
but I know some people might not. So we'll hit
you up with all the ways to contact us at
the end, obviously, but I would be really curious what
(09:28):
you guys think about this one. But anyway, Kelly Coyn
wrote these articles for New York Times in Washington Post,
and there's three different articles that we talked about. One
was they're all about like marriage in different ways to
be married, but one was married couples who live in
different houses. The other was married couples who sleep in
different bedrooms, and the other one, the third one was
(09:50):
stay at home dat's And they're all like very interesting.
They're not like, oh my god, I can't believe people
do that. I do think the living in different houses
maybe could be one, like, but I know a lot
of people who sleep in different bedrooms. The stay at
home dad things seems like it's becoming more popular or
more common. I would say, yeah, I just thought I
had such an interesting conversation with her about it because
(10:11):
none of them were like offensive to me. But you
know what I thought was really interesting and why I
wanted to really pick your brain about it was she
credits the queer community with kind of like establishing different
ways you could be married, because obviously, like two gay
men being married, one possibly could be a stay at
home dad, you know, like that could have been where
(10:31):
that kind of idea came about or I can't remember
the other references she was saying, but we used that
a lot, and she really really kind of credits the
gay community. Again, I think some people might punish the
gay community, right, So it's very interesting. It's like I
think people seem to see through those two different lenses,
you know.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Like I said earlier, I'm at home with my parents,
so they're obviously from an older generation, and my mom,
you know, grabbing this big party, and she's asking me
all about the people that are coming, and it's all like, well.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
Is she married, does she have a kid? Does?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (11:08):
It's like, well, why did they get divorced?
Speaker 2 (11:10):
I thought they were so happy, and it's like it's
all very black and white to her. And I find
myself getting even annoyed by the questions because a there's
no depth to it, and I'm like, can we just
talk about something real? But in terms of this conversation,
I thought it was really interesting that that's what I've
been experiencing this week when I'm home with them, and
(11:30):
I think a lot of it just has to do
with societal roles in the way that society has been
set up and if you think about human civilization, we
haven't been around that long, and it hasn't even been
organized that long either, So I think it's really interesting
that in our lifetime that we are sort of seeing
(11:52):
new normals be born, because just because it's a way
that something has been done for a long time doesn't
mean that it's necessary the right way. But we've been
trained to think that things are the right way, and
I think my mother is a perfect example of it,
Like she would never be able to wrap her head
around the idea of not living in the same house
(12:12):
with her husband or sleeping in the same bed, even
though like when I was growing up, my grandparents slept
in separate beds, and well, I never asked why.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Yeah, the interesting thing is we talked about that because
Kelly took me back into history, which if you really
think about it, like, of course the royals is who
I think of immediately because I'm obsessed with the royal right,
but the king and queens they sleep in different bedrooms.
They have their different suites and they're across from each other,
but like they don't sleep in the same bedroom typically,
(12:43):
or if they did, there would be two twin beds.
You know, and it was like, that's historically actually what happened.
And I'm blanking right now, but Kelly told me the
reason that evolved, and I think maybe it was like
cost a fish. Oh no, I know what it was.
It was during the war when men came back, we
were so underpopulated, and so it became this thing that
(13:06):
was encouraged to sleep in the same bed, so there
were more babies produced. I'm pretty sure that's what she said.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
That makes sense.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
That makes sense, right, So when your parents were coming up,
they were probably right in that, like that was really
being pushed for, you know, a couple generations before them,
and that became the norm. But I think what I
like with what you said about there being a right way,
that's the thing that bothers me. And that's always kind
of bothered me. And I'm sure, you know, there's a
(13:33):
lot part of it because my life hasn't looked like that,
But I've definitely dealt with the pressures that women face
about getting married and having kids so much so that like,
for basically it felt like my whole thirties, I felt
so much pressure that I almost lost what I even
cared about or what I wanted and it.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
Just start like I don't want kids. People would be like, well.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Why yeah, And the thing was is I never knew
if I did want kids, right, but I needed to
find that on clarity within myself. But I definitely resonate
with feeling the pressure of it and that that comes
from a lot of different ways with women, because there's
the physical aspect in our age, and like when you
go to the gynecologists a twenty thirty five, they really
start pressuring you thirty five but that's not that old,
(14:17):
but they really start pressuring you because you'll be in
a geriatric pregnancy from then on, which is wild as
well terminology wise, But yeah, anyway, I just felt the pressure.
And being from the South too, it's like you feel
so much pressure that if you're not married, especially as
a woman, like what's wrong with you? You know, that kind
of thing. And it's like, I think what I'm really
(14:37):
enjoying about these kind of conversations is that it's opening
up our brains to the fact that like, none of
us are wired the same and we've lived, we've started
to live in this culture that just you know, they
give us this one path as the right way I'm
doing air quotes, and that's what we're all supposed to
do to quote unquote live a successful life. And it's like, no,
(14:58):
you're supposed to live your life the way that you
feel fit, that it goes right to you, that feels
true to you, authentic to you, and no one else
can really map that out for you anyway, right.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Yeah, And look, also, circumstances are really different for everybody.
Like if you take a couple in New York and
a couple in Virginia. Yeah, real estate alone is a
factor in New York City. Like if Kelly and I
met each other and started dating, like Kelly could have
a rent control department that's a one bedroom she's paying
twelve hundred dollars a month for, or I could out
(15:32):
I could have a certain thing too, and then like, oh,
we're gonna get married, let's find a two bedroom and
next thing, you know, our rent six thousand dollars a month.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
It just doesn't work right.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
So, I mean I think that there are factors like
that that like sometimes you just have to be like, hey,
this works for us, get the fuck out of our business,
you know. And and I think the more that people
do that and obviously you don't have to say it
with that sort of arrogant tone, but like that's kind
of where my head goes in those situations.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
It's like, don't.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Stop judging me by the way that you want to
live your life. You live your life the way that
you want, and I'm not going to care and I'm
going to live my life.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
The way that I want.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
And as long as nobody's hurting anybody else, then we
should all be cool.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
And so I do love.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
To see that these articles are coming out because that
will help sort of normalize things. I mean, remember the
movie mister Mom, Oh Yes, when We Were Killed?
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Like she actually bought that up, because even the title itself, yeah,
indicates that the mom should be the one doing that
job right space for like every couple being different. Maybe
(16:48):
the woman wanted to build a business and you know,
works for herself and doesn't have the time to be
the stay at home mom, but the dad is really
great in that role. Like we don't know people.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
So yeah, Like I mean, because it could also just
be just sort of like if someone grew up as
an only child and like never really thought about wanting
kids or like never played with dolls, I'm talking about
like a female grew up only child, never played with dolls,
didn't have any of that conditioning, but had like a
super entrepreneurial like came from an entrepreneurial family and falls
(17:21):
in love with this guy that like wants to have
kids and blah blah blah. Maybe he is more equipped
to take on that caregiver role because that was something
that he envisioned for his life. Yeah, and they don't
owe an explanation to anyone but themselves and their children.
But I could see, you know, people like my mother
being very judgmental of that.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
Well, I think the people like you're talking about you
keep referencing your mom, but like, there's a lot of
people who have just become so conditioned to that as
the norm that I think that is truly what their
brain believes is success. And it's interesting because I think
we miss what true success is, which is just happiness
and peace right so often because of that, Like I
(18:02):
gave the example of my boyfriend and I and like,
you know, again, I think the bigger picture here is
we were so uncomfortable just living in the present moment,
in allowing space to just be happy and at peace
that we always have to be chasing the next thing,
and like, you know, my boyfriend lives in Charleston. I
talk about that all the time. And yeah, initially when
(18:22):
we were dating, we've been together two years now, and
you know, when we were initially dating, we had to
kind of talk about like once we started to realize, Okay,
this is real, like we had to start talking about
what that would look like. And so we do have
those conversations. It's not like we're not having those conversations. However,
he moved to a different place in Charleston. That was
kind of why we first initially talked about it, but
(18:42):
because we weren't ready to make the big moves then,
because you have to think about that, like yal act
so casual about what it would be, but it's like
you're completely giving up an entire life and identity. So
it's a big deal to have those moves. So we
talked talked about it. Then we weren't quite ready, so
he did a kind of temporary situation, but he'd move
locations of Charleston, and it's brought in this thing for
(19:04):
both of us where because he's downtown now and it's
like we both are obsessed with that city, like I'm
obsessed with Charleston. I literally count down the days till
I can get there. I love it. It reminds me kind
of what Nashville used to be a little bit more,
you know, like we've gotten so big in Nashville. It
feels more like an La vibe here and it used
to have these little quaint situations and a lot of character.
(19:26):
And there's still some of that, but not as much
and I miss that. And so anyway, I'm saying all
that to say, though, like we're having the conversations we
both kind of found this new love for Charleston, and
so our conversations have been more like, Okay, wait, do
we want for him to make the big move and
come here like full time to where we're never going
(19:47):
to Charleston? No, not really, So how do we figure
this out to be together more but still have you know,
places in houses in both places and like you know,
figuring that out financially and all the things. But that's
what sounds exciting to me, that's what really lights me
up and lights him up, and what we're happy with.
(20:07):
But you would be shocked by how like the first
question people ask me when I talk about how happy
I am in this relationship is, well, when is he
gonna move? And it's like, wait, let's take a beat,
just be happy, Like.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Well, I mean, the thing is is like in the
relationship the way that you all have it structured now
is you both retain a lot of independence. And I
know what he does and it takes him away from
home for a while at certain times, and yeah, you
have a very unpredictable schedule, absolutely, and it leaves that
like if you were to move there or he moves here,
(20:41):
and then you all have to like he goes off
on a work a work trip, or you have something
that like takes you out for a week, It's like, well,
what's the point in that when you.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Can be a part anyway with our joby, so.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
You could you could put and now you have a
situation where it's like it sort of extends that like
the dating feeling where it's like you have to plan
ahead and you get excited and then you miss each
other more and those sorts of things like and missing
yes is not necessarily thought to be like a positive feeling.
(21:15):
I think it's great, But I think it is a
great feeling because when you reunite, it's.
Speaker 3 (21:20):
So much better. Yeah, we have on top of each
other all the time.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Like you don't miss each other, well, they get you
miss each other when you go to work for the day. No.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Well, And you're making so many good points about our
relationships specifically, And I think this is exactly what we
were talking about in reference to we don't know anyone's story, right,
Like he and I both have to travel a lot
for work individually. So let's say, for instance, he moves here, Well,
so he gives up all his friends in Charleston and
say I'm gone all the time. I mean, we both
(21:52):
have a good mentality of like creating happiness wherever we
are and what the circumstances are. So I know he
would be happy and find his place and whatever. But
it's also like, well, if I'm in a busy season,
why can't he just be in the life that he
loves in Charleston, you know, with his friends and his
set up like community, Like does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (22:12):
Or like if he's because he's going to blame you, guys,
He's going to blame you for his unhappiness exactly.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
There's such a recipe for resentment in that dynamic and
the only reason we would be doing it. I'm not
saying we never will, but for right now, the only
reason we would be doing it is for other people's
opinions of what it should look like to have a
successful relationship.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
Right.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
And then I'm looking around and I'm like, you're telling
me how to live my life, but you don't seem happy.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Yeah, I mean more than fifty percent of marriages today
are ending in divorce. Yeah, So what does that tell
you about the old social norms?
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Right? Like, maybe they't work in anymore, right, Or it's
not that it won't work for everyone, like I do
believe there are some people who really thrive in those dimo.
I'm just asking not to be judged if that's not
the way that works for me.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
And that has changed a lot of things too, because
you know, we used to live in a.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
World that was a lot smaller, where all you really knew. Yes,
there was national news stories and we would see them
on television. I mean, but like I was alive, You
and I were both alive when we didn't have cable yet,
Like it didn't exist, So the national news was just
the three major stations, and then you had local news,
so it's like the world was a lot smaller, so
(23:29):
it made sense that like people would sort of stay
close to home and want to be closer. But now
it's like I'm in Birdsneth, Virginia, and I can know
what's going on in Bangladesh now because of the Internet,
so and like want.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
To go time lot, Like it's there.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
There's so many ways to be connected, but there's also
a million reasons to be pulled away from what your
norm is.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
And I think that you.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Know, in order to have a successful relationship, you have
to be able to like tap into that your independence
and your freedom, and there's so many things calling to
our freedom now, you know, like you want to get
on a plane and go somewhere. And it's like if
you're tied to the structure of no I have to
be at home with my significant other all the time
(24:14):
if I'm not at work, then that's an anchor to
your life, I think, you know, and it's it seems
really unhealthy.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
Whereas like if.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
You were like, Hey, I want to go to Florida
this weekend, are you free to come with me? Then
it could be an exciting adventure for you guys or
it's just something that you get to go do and
like feed your soul.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
Yeah, well you said that you felt like that certain
mentality where you're tied to your house or whatever being
a healthy I don't know if I agree with that,
because I think it's like the opposite of what we're
trying to say. I don't know if it's unhealthy. I
just know it won't work for me, right, Whereas like
for some people that is what they need or what
they want and works for their family. And I remember
when I was younger, probably like late twenties, and I
(24:54):
the only way that I knew to not do what
I didn't want to do was to kind of hate
on the people doing it, like hate on people getting
married or hate on people having kids, and like you know,
the ick I got from the pressure I was putting.
And the reality is is like I don't want to
go back and hate on the other side either, because
it's like it's the same thing we talk about politically,
(25:16):
like it's what works for them, Like it's truly yes.
But I think what I'm so grateful for with these
kind of articles and just the conversation I was able
to have with Kelly is just that there's actually scientific
research that you know, says why this kind of system
would work. There's people living this out that it's working for.
(25:37):
And not to say that that should be across the board.
That's not what I think the scientific research says. I'm
just saying there is proof that for certain people, the
current setup of this is the way you live and
that's how you find success is just not going to work.
Like it's just that's not the reality for everyone. And
I think it's so important that we hold space for
(26:01):
variation and differences, and that's what makes our country beautiful.
I mean, there's so many I don't even know how
many people live in America.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
Like three hundred and fifty million or something. It's actually
quite small compared to some of the bigger.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Nations, like three hundred and fifty million people. Though, how
in the how in the world are you going to say, hey,
you better get married and have kids and think that
that's going to be what works for everyone. Everyone comes,
they're a different background, they have different priorities in their lives,
they're wired differently, Like, how are we assuming that we
just know how things.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
Should be In the gay community.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
I'm seeing it becoming much more normalized to be married
but in an open relationship. Oh and to me, and
I have no judgment for it, because that actually sounds
like it would be really fun to just you know,
have your cake and eat it too all the time.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
That's such a body mentality.
Speaker 3 (26:53):
But I don't.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
But I don't think it would work for me because
of I would be too jealous and I would I
would feel shunned. But I am seeing a lot more
of that in the community. And what's funny too, is like,
if you know, I put on my like sort of
historical patriarchal hat, it would be like, why the fuck
would we fight to get married just to like not
(27:14):
really be married. But the thing is, I think, you know,
marriage means different things to different people. And it's like,
if you find your best friend that you want to
grow old and die with, then by all means married.
That should be what the marriage is based on. And
obviously you're you're building a family, or you're building a
business together, or you're building whatever it is within the
(27:35):
walls of your relationship. But then you know, sexually it
doesn't you don't have to be confined.
Speaker 3 (27:41):
To that space.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
You can go do whatever you want to do as
long as you're both consenting and everyone's on the same page.
That to me, it would not work for me, but
I'm happy to see that it's working for other people
because I do think relationships come in all different shapes,
and if that's what it takes to keep your relationship
happy and healthy, then by.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
All means do that.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
There's a plenty of people who are in what is
the stereotypical marriage that lay in the same bed every
night and they do everything that the world thinks that
they should do, and they're not fucking anymore.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
You know, they don't.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
Even like each other, but they're doing the thing that
they're told that they're supposed to do, and that, by
the way, they're doing it not because they want to
be doing it. They're doing it because they're worried about
the judgment of other people. And I think that's you know,
where you and I are sitting here and agreeing wholeheartedly,
is that like, keep your judgment out of other people's relationships,
(28:34):
because what works for one couple isn't going to work
with another couple, and vice versa.
Speaker 3 (28:40):
That's just the moral of the story here.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
For a long time, I really struggled with the concept
of like an open marriage or polyamory. And I had
a psychologist one wants who spoke about being in a
polyamorous relationship, but she also like lived it out and
that was her life and it taught me so much.
And the truth is is I was so judgmental of
(29:13):
it because it made me uncomfortable, because I would really
struggle in that situation, right Like, I would really I
don't think I could do it. I would cut a bit,
you know, I'm like, don't touch my man. That's very
much my vibe. And I also had such a traumatic
experience with being cheated on that I've really had to
work through even learning how to trust again in relationship.
(29:34):
And so yeah, like those kind of situations sounded wild
to me, But what was really interesting was learning about
them specifically and realizing that they actually had to communicate
even more to make those relationships successful, and they're in
such a place of having to have transparency and openness.
And now, what I would say from a spiritual perspective
(29:55):
is I truly don't know what any soul is supposed
to experience. And if I'm in one relationship for me personally,
that's enough mirroring and growth work and like seeing my
shit that I can handle, Like I can only handle
one person doing that. But if you're in a situation,
like a poly situation, you're in multiple relationships, so I'm
(30:16):
sure your shit's coming up in all different forms at
all times. Maybe that's what that person's soul needs. Like
who am I to.
Speaker 3 (30:23):
Say advance growth too?
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Yes, it advance like truly because you're constantly being challenged
and having to communicate and be truthful and transparent, and like,
as much as we all want to think that we are, true,
intimacy is such a deeper level of that. Then I
think we are willing, Like I don't think we're always
willing to admit the little slight things that we're not
(30:46):
being truthful about all the time, you know, like they're
very evident. So anyway, I'm saying all that to say,
I think it just gets back to the point of, like,
it's interesting when you really think about what's bothering you
about the way someone will is living their life, and truthfully,
usually it's about what it's bringing up in you, you know, right.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
A lot of times I would think it's probably jealousy,
and it's but I wouldn't do it.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
It's like I have no desire to be in an
open relationship. Like I said, I truly would be like,
who the fuck is that bitch? You know?
Speaker 3 (31:19):
Right? And where.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Exactly? And he's like, why was at her house? And
You're like, I just couldn't do it. I know, are
they talking about why is she? I would do the
comparison thing, like why is she giving him something I can't?
I would feel insufficient. But that's my stuff. But because
of that, like for me to fully open up, I
need a lot of safety in relationships. And I truly
(31:42):
believe that's one of the reasons I feel so comfortable
in the relationship I'm in now is we've really worked
to try to do that, but it ebbs and flows.
You know, we don't get it right every day.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
So yeah, but the point is that you're talking about
it and you're focused on it and all of those things.
That's whereas I think the traditional shape of relationship there
is license in there to not do the work. Yeah,
if the structure is what the world thinks it should be.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Because the structure is more about checking a box of Okay,
we did that, but it is actually about what's happening
on the inside or behind closed doors, right, And that's
the problem to me, Like, the problem isn't that anyone
wants to get married young or stay married forever, or
have a bunch of kids or not to get married
or Yeah, that's not the problem.
Speaker 3 (32:31):
Ever.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
I think the problem is if we're operating from a
system of programming and not actually being intentional in our
own lives to ask ourselves what do we want and
what makes us happy and truly at peace?
Speaker 3 (32:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
I mean, look, it's I'm turning fifty, I'm single, i
don't have kids, and I've had to think about that
a lot, you know, like what is it that I want?
And the truth is, like, I'm really fucking happy in
my life right now, So I don't feel like that
there's this gaping hole that's missing. I think everyone craves companionship,
(33:06):
but I find it in other ways.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
I've got agree, you have more friends than anybody that.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
Yeah, I have. I have great friends.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
I have dogs, which you know, they provide a certain
level of companionship.
Speaker 3 (33:17):
I'm close with my family, Like my life is very full.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
But you know, I'm sure my mother is going to
ask before I leave if I've got a special friend,
you know, like a special friend, because that, to her,
in her viewpoint.
Speaker 3 (33:31):
Is really what makes people happy.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
Yeah, so it's really interesting that this topic came up
when I was observing so much of that this week.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
Yeah, you're living it out in real time right now. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (33:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
Yeah. The interesting thing too, I think what's helped me
with this kind of topic is learning so much about astrology,
and like when you read other people's charts and you
get to know your own, you realize that our souls
truly do come here with an intention, you know, and
some learning and unlearning to do, and it's very purposeful.
(34:06):
You also realize how differently all of us are wired,
and I think that that's like the biggest piece of it.
But like, some people didn't come to this lifetime, or
this is what I believe. I guess I should say
some people didn't come to this lifetime for relationships. That
wasn't their goal, Like the point was for them to
really focus on work, or really focus on friendships, or
really focus on individualism. Like unless you know someone's charge,
(34:31):
I would just say, like it's really dangerous to even
put a concept on what their life should look like.
Because we really don't know, and so if we tell
everyone the only way they can have a successful life
is X, Y and Z, we're really like setting up
our culture and our world to be this uniform place
or existence that doesn't help anyone really foster true growth,
(34:54):
Like really it doesn't. Anyway, I just think this is
such an interesting topic. I really would love to know
what you guys think on either side of the coin, Like,
I am very curious if this is making people very
frustrated to listen to this conversation, or if they're like, yeah,
you know, Like I just I'm very I can't really
gauge what the reaction would be. Obviously, Chip and I
(35:15):
are both a little more open minded, and so I
think for us this is exciting, but I'd be curious,
like does this scare you? Does this pish you off?
Does this what does it do? So anyway, you can
email us at the Edge at velvetsedge dot com. You
can also hit me up on Instagram. I'm at Velvet's.
Speaker 3 (35:30):
Edge, Chip, I'm at Chip Doors. It's Chip d O
R S CCH.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
We also are about to start our new Instagram page,
which is at Velvet Edge Podcast, so be sure to
follow us so you can see some of the upcoming
things we're doing on there. You can also watch us
on YouTube. I mean, there's so many different things we're
doing now, Chap, we have variation.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
You know you're not anymore.
Speaker 1 (35:56):
That was very well.
Speaker 3 (35:56):
Yeah, I like that.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
This week as you guys go into the week weekend.
Damn it, I got way ahead of myself. You really
threw me with such a good As you guys go
into the weekend and you're living on the edge, I
hope you guys are remember too.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
A casual Hi
Well, we're a little late start recording because you needed
to relocate what just happened. I feel like I was
very concerned. I literally thought to myself, is he having
a stroke? Because of that text you sent me? Tell
the listeners what's going on.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
So I'm at home in Virginia. My parents out at
your parents so and you know, I live alone.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
So I also like very low, like it's like, are
you worry they're going to hear you right now?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Well, I mean they're both hard at hearing, so probably not. Anyway,
you know, I live alone, so I'm used to a
controlled environment, and now that I'm home with them, my
mom turns eighty on she will have turned eighty on
Wednesday when this airs.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Yes, so it was on Friday.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
You're very right, right, So she yeah, she will have
already turned eighty.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Yeah, birthday July night, Wednesday.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
So we're recording this early. And lover loved my parents' death.
But they're they're in their eighties, they're old, and some
things are just funny. And anyway, the internet's not a
great to their house. So I'd set up in the
dining room where it was gonna be quiet, and then
the internet didn't reach there, and then I was like,
I'm move into this room, but my mom's oxygen machine's
(01:11):
like and so now I'm hiding in my parents' bedroom
with my dogs locked upstairs so they're not bothering me.
It's just a lot of noise, lots of young and
the restless plan and elevel you know.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
On volume Alevel.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
But your stories though, to watch her stories my dad
today was so funny. They we were sitting at the table.
I was working and he was eating some lunch, and
my mom was paying bill writing checks to pay bills.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
And it's love how you act like that's so insulting,
Like your mom is being a law abiding citizens.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
In those checks. I think it's so funny that she's
writing checks.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
It feels the same tone that you get when someone
has a green text. You're kind of just so insulted
by it.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
Somebody sent me up.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Well, I'll digress, but I made a funny green text
joke the other day. But yeah, the clock it had
turned from you know, twelve to fifty nine to one
o'clock and they had been watching the news and then
Dad goes, ooh, we're on the wrong channel, and he
switched it over to Young and the Restless for my
mom's stories. And my mom like literally was like a
kid with an iPad. She like looked up from her
(02:23):
bills and was just like staring at the screen.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
I'm like, Mom, don't forget to be bills.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
It's so interesting though, because as much as we're laughing
about this, we all do the same things. It's just
our generation does it in a little bit of a
different way. Like you just mentioned the iPad. That's the
younger generations for us. Maybe it's reality TV. Like someone
could definitely turn on Love Island and I would be
the same exact way. Oh god, what's happening.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
My Mom's in so deep on Young and the Restless
she's been watching. I mean, I'm almost family.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
She connected. They're her people. I'm like, I can't believe some.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
Of these actors are even still alive.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
I know, I know there was one recently a DAB,
but I think it was a general hospital. So talk
to Claudia, let me know if that was the role story.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
I'll find out.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Make sure she's doing all right, and sure should as
send her some condolences, some.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Fake flowers so they last as long as her stories.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Right, Well, it's very funny. Did you have a good
fourth though?
Speaker 3 (03:23):
I know you were did it was really really chill?
It was so chill.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I mean I went there's a little town that's gotten
pretty touristy near my house called Cape Charles, Virginia, and
I mean it's a beautiful, like Chesapeake Bayside, like historic
little town.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
It feels almost New England. Ye in a way.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
That's cool.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
It's really cute. And they had a pretty incredible fireworks display.
I was really shocked. I was like, where'd they get
the budget for this? It was like thirty minutes long
and like legit fireworks.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
So I went down and watched that on the beach
with some friends and yeah, pretty chill.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
How about yours?
Speaker 1 (03:59):
It was great? I mean, you know, we were working.
I had dirts at the Downtown Nashville show. And I
gotta say, Nashville is like the number two in the
number two city in the nation. I think at fireworks
and every year I am just blown away. I mean
it's unbelievable. Honestly, I had to leave halfway through. This
is so like impath shit. I know my listeners will
(04:21):
relate if they have heard me talk about this. At all,
but we were so close because of where we were standing,
like because it was all on the river front, you know,
and because we had done the show, then we just
walked down.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Yeah, they moved the stage closer to the river this year. Yeah,
everything Broadway.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Everything was right there, right on the river, downtown Nashville.
And so when the fireworks started, like the fireworks go
up over the river, that's where they're done. And so
we're standing there like at the side of the river,
and it was basically like they were happening right above me,
if that makes sense. But it was so loud and
so overstimulating because it sounds like cannon's going off. And
(04:58):
I don't know if this is like the programming and
my brain of mass events and like all the shootings
we've had or whatever, but I started to like panic
a little bit just hearing these noises. And then like
there was three hundred and sixty five thousand people downtown,
which is crazy crazy, you know how in with crowds too.
So it was literally the combination of all things that
(05:20):
my little impath body cannot take. And then so I'm.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
Like probably've been down there all day too.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Yeah, and it was hot, you know, but it was beautiful,
Like I loved it, but I was just like I
got to get out before traffic, and I was driving
one of our friends home too, and so she and
I left ten minutes into the fireworks show. Like I thought,
all right, we'll be good. Well, this one cop decided
we couldn't go through this road, so we sat in
traffic for an hour. So it went from being over
stimulated in that capacity to then sitting in traffic for
(05:46):
an hour trying to leave. We made the best of it.
We used it as like a catch up session in
the car. We were actually texting with you some. But
it was a lot for my little body. So then
the next day I was just exhausted.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Yeah, Though I used to like shame the shit out
of myself for that stuff, and now I'm just like, no,
this is just me. And there's certain things that are
amazing experiences. I'm so grateful that I get to do them,
and sometimes I get a little bit overwhelmed, like it
happens all at a ward shows too. I really struggle also.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Like fireworks, it's not like I mean, they're just a moment.
It's not like you're gonna like regret missing the.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Well we watched from the car it actually.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
Have any fifth explosion. You know, you're not gonna like
it's kind of like it's a nostalgia thing. You're like, Oh, Okay,
I saw enough, I'm done.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
I will say I have always loved fireworks, like from Afar.
To me, it's just so beautiful and it kind of
gives me that same emotion that I get when I
stand next to the ocean, like you feel really small,
you know, And I just find them to for some reason.
It's not like it's like a natural thing like a
mountain or an ocean or anything that the universe created
(06:55):
and so I can like have a moment with God.
But for some reason, it kind of stimulates that in me.
And I don't know if it's just like they're so big,
but they're also so beautiful, Like Nashville's truly are insanely gorgeous.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
What shocks me is like when they take certain shapes
and stuff, You're like, how did they do that?
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Oh my god? They were doing stuff with drones, like
they wrote out Nashville and drones. They had this whole
tribute to the military in drones. It was just I mean,
it was unbelievable.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
I just I don't know how.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Yeah, it had to be a lot of money, but
I truly don't know how they did it. So props
to Nashville for your amazing show. I'm sorry that I
had to watch from a car.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
I hope you they should be apologizing to you for
making you send in your car for an hour.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Anyway, I loved my podcast on Wednesday, and I was
just filling you in on it, and we just thought
we don't even need to come up with a new
theme because these topics are so interesting and I really
wanted to get your take because first of all, it
was with this author and professor at Georgetown University. She's
also a journalist. Her name's Kelly Coyne. And if you
(07:59):
haven't that podcast yet, I just find it fascinating. You know,
There's a couple of different things going through my head
because I'm a very curious person and I always want
to talk about other options. I don't find it like
intimidating or overwhelming or weird, you know, like I just
like to see what how are different people living their lives.
I find that fascinating. Doesn't mean I'm going to go
(08:22):
live my life in one particular way or another. But
I just find it interesting to like have different takes
or different options and just have variation. Let's just put
it that way. And I know a lot of other
people are just other people. I don't know if it's
a lot can feel overwhelmed by that or intimidated or
it scares them that there would be all these other
(08:42):
variations of how to live life. And so I found
this to be an interesting topic because I wondered what
it brought up in people, Like do people look at
it like I do, and like they're just thinking this
is fascinating or does it scare people? And I know
a lot of the talks in the last this is
probably since the new presidency, but I have felt a
lot of talks about getting back to like, you know,
(09:06):
the marriage unit as it used to be and the
family unit as it used to be. So I know
that's very important to a lot of people right now too.
So I don't know, it's just like a very interesting
concept to me. I really like these ideas and topics,
but I know some people might not. So we'll hit
you up with all the ways to contact us at
the end, obviously, but I would be really curious what
(09:28):
you guys think about this one. But anyway, Kelly Coyn
wrote these articles for New York Times in Washington Post,
and there's three different articles that we talked about. One
was they're all about like marriage in different ways to
be married, but one was married couples who live in
different houses. The other was married couples who sleep in
different bedrooms, and the other one, the third one was
(09:50):
stay at home dat's And they're all like very interesting.
They're not like, oh my god, I can't believe people
do that. I do think the living in different houses
maybe could be one, like, but I know a lot
of people who sleep in different bedrooms. The stay at
home dad things seems like it's becoming more popular or
more common. I would say, yeah, I just thought I
had such an interesting conversation with her about it because
(10:11):
none of them were like offensive to me. But you
know what I thought was really interesting and why I
wanted to really pick your brain about it was she
credits the queer community with kind of like establishing different
ways you could be married, because obviously, like two gay
men being married, one possibly could be a stay at
home dad, you know, like that could have been where
(10:31):
that kind of idea came about or I can't remember
the other references she was saying, but we used that
a lot, and she really really kind of credits the
gay community. Again, I think some people might punish the
gay community, right, So it's very interesting. It's like I
think people seem to see through those two different lenses,
you know.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Like I said earlier, I'm at home with my parents,
so they're obviously from an older generation, and my mom,
you know, grabbing this big party, and she's asking me
all about the people that are coming, and it's all like, well.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
Is she married, does she have a kid? Does?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (11:08):
It's like, well, why did they get divorced?
Speaker 2 (11:10):
I thought they were so happy, and it's like it's
all very black and white to her. And I find
myself getting even annoyed by the questions because a there's
no depth to it, and I'm like, can we just
talk about something real? But in terms of this conversation,
I thought it was really interesting that that's what I've
been experiencing this week when I'm home with them, and
(11:30):
I think a lot of it just has to do
with societal roles in the way that society has been
set up and if you think about human civilization, we
haven't been around that long, and it hasn't even been
organized that long either, So I think it's really interesting
that in our lifetime that we are sort of seeing
(11:52):
new normals be born, because just because it's a way
that something has been done for a long time doesn't
mean that it's necessary the right way. But we've been
trained to think that things are the right way, and
I think my mother is a perfect example of it,
Like she would never be able to wrap her head
around the idea of not living in the same house
(12:12):
with her husband or sleeping in the same bed, even
though like when I was growing up, my grandparents slept
in separate beds, and well, I never asked why.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Yeah, the interesting thing is we talked about that because
Kelly took me back into history, which if you really
think about it, like, of course the royals is who
I think of immediately because I'm obsessed with the royal right,
but the king and queens they sleep in different bedrooms.
They have their different suites and they're across from each other,
but like they don't sleep in the same bedroom typically,
(12:43):
or if they did, there would be two twin beds.
You know, and it was like, that's historically actually what happened.
And I'm blanking right now, but Kelly told me the
reason that evolved, and I think maybe it was like
cost a fish. Oh no, I know what it was.
It was during the war when men came back, we
were so underpopulated, and so it became this thing that
(13:06):
was encouraged to sleep in the same bed, so there
were more babies produced. I'm pretty sure that's what she said.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
That makes sense.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
That makes sense, right, So when your parents were coming up,
they were probably right in that, like that was really
being pushed for, you know, a couple generations before them,
and that became the norm. But I think what I
like with what you said about there being a right way,
that's the thing that bothers me. And that's always kind
of bothered me. And I'm sure, you know, there's a
(13:33):
lot part of it because my life hasn't looked like that,
But I've definitely dealt with the pressures that women face
about getting married and having kids so much so that like,
for basically it felt like my whole thirties, I felt
so much pressure that I almost lost what I even
cared about or what I wanted and it.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
Just start like I don't want kids. People would be like, well.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Why yeah, And the thing was is I never knew
if I did want kids, right, but I needed to
find that on clarity within myself. But I definitely resonate
with feeling the pressure of it and that that comes
from a lot of different ways with women, because there's
the physical aspect in our age, and like when you
go to the gynecologists a twenty thirty five, they really
start pressuring you thirty five but that's not that old,
(14:17):
but they really start pressuring you because you'll be in
a geriatric pregnancy from then on, which is wild as
well terminology wise, But yeah, anyway, I just felt the pressure.
And being from the South too, it's like you feel
so much pressure that if you're not married, especially as
a woman, like what's wrong with you? You know, that kind
of thing. And it's like, I think what I'm really
(14:37):
enjoying about these kind of conversations is that it's opening
up our brains to the fact that like, none of
us are wired the same and we've lived, we've started
to live in this culture that just you know, they
give us this one path as the right way I'm
doing air quotes, and that's what we're all supposed to
do to quote unquote live a successful life. And it's like, no,
(14:58):
you're supposed to live your life the way that you
feel fit, that it goes right to you, that feels
true to you, authentic to you, and no one else
can really map that out for you anyway, right.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Yeah, And look, also, circumstances are really different for everybody.
Like if you take a couple in New York and
a couple in Virginia. Yeah, real estate alone is a
factor in New York City. Like if Kelly and I
met each other and started dating, like Kelly could have
a rent control department that's a one bedroom she's paying
twelve hundred dollars a month for, or I could out
(15:32):
I could have a certain thing too, and then like, oh,
we're gonna get married, let's find a two bedroom and
next thing, you know, our rent six thousand dollars a month.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
It just doesn't work right.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
So, I mean I think that there are factors like
that that like sometimes you just have to be like, hey,
this works for us, get the fuck out of our business,
you know. And and I think the more that people
do that and obviously you don't have to say it
with that sort of arrogant tone, but like that's kind
of where my head goes in those situations.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
It's like, don't.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Stop judging me by the way that you want to
live your life. You live your life the way that
you want, and I'm not going to care and I'm
going to live my life.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
The way that I want.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
And as long as nobody's hurting anybody else, then we
should all be cool.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
And so I do love.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
To see that these articles are coming out because that
will help sort of normalize things. I mean, remember the
movie mister Mom, Oh Yes, when We Were Killed?
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Like she actually bought that up, because even the title itself, yeah,
indicates that the mom should be the one doing that
job right space for like every couple being different. Maybe
(16:48):
the woman wanted to build a business and you know,
works for herself and doesn't have the time to be
the stay at home mom, but the dad is really
great in that role. Like we don't know people.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
So yeah, Like I mean, because it could also just
be just sort of like if someone grew up as
an only child and like never really thought about wanting
kids or like never played with dolls, I'm talking about
like a female grew up only child, never played with dolls,
didn't have any of that conditioning, but had like a
super entrepreneurial like came from an entrepreneurial family and falls
(17:21):
in love with this guy that like wants to have
kids and blah blah blah. Maybe he is more equipped
to take on that caregiver role because that was something
that he envisioned for his life. Yeah, and they don't
owe an explanation to anyone but themselves and their children.
But I could see, you know, people like my mother
being very judgmental of that.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
Well, I think the people like you're talking about you
keep referencing your mom, but like, there's a lot of
people who have just become so conditioned to that as
the norm that I think that is truly what their
brain believes is success. And it's interesting because I think
we miss what true success is, which is just happiness
and peace right so often because of that, Like I
(18:02):
gave the example of my boyfriend and I and like,
you know, again, I think the bigger picture here is
we were so uncomfortable just living in the present moment,
in allowing space to just be happy and at peace
that we always have to be chasing the next thing,
and like, you know, my boyfriend lives in Charleston. I
talk about that all the time. And yeah, initially when
(18:22):
we were dating, we've been together two years now, and
you know, when we were initially dating, we had to
kind of talk about like once we started to realize, Okay,
this is real, like we had to start talking about
what that would look like. And so we do have
those conversations. It's not like we're not having those conversations. However,
he moved to a different place in Charleston. That was
kind of why we first initially talked about it, but
(18:42):
because we weren't ready to make the big moves then,
because you have to think about that, like yal act
so casual about what it would be, but it's like
you're completely giving up an entire life and identity. So
it's a big deal to have those moves. So we
talked talked about it. Then we weren't quite ready, so
he did a kind of temporary situation, but he'd move
locations of Charleston, and it's brought in this thing for
(19:04):
both of us where because he's downtown now and it's
like we both are obsessed with that city, like I'm
obsessed with Charleston. I literally count down the days till
I can get there. I love it. It reminds me kind
of what Nashville used to be a little bit more,
you know, like we've gotten so big in Nashville. It
feels more like an La vibe here and it used
to have these little quaint situations and a lot of character.
(19:26):
And there's still some of that, but not as much
and I miss that. And so anyway, I'm saying all
that to say, though, like we're having the conversations we
both kind of found this new love for Charleston, and
so our conversations have been more like, Okay, wait, do
we want for him to make the big move and
come here like full time to where we're never going
(19:47):
to Charleston? No, not really, So how do we figure
this out to be together more but still have you know,
places in houses in both places and like you know,
figuring that out financially and all the things. But that's
what sounds exciting to me, that's what really lights me
up and lights him up, and what we're happy with.
(20:07):
But you would be shocked by how like the first
question people ask me when I talk about how happy
I am in this relationship is, well, when is he
gonna move? And it's like, wait, let's take a beat,
just be happy, Like.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Well, I mean, the thing is is like in the
relationship the way that you all have it structured now
is you both retain a lot of independence. And I
know what he does and it takes him away from
home for a while at certain times, and yeah, you
have a very unpredictable schedule, absolutely, and it leaves that
like if you were to move there or he moves here,
(20:41):
and then you all have to like he goes off
on a work a work trip, or you have something
that like takes you out for a week, It's like, well,
what's the point in that when you.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Can be a part anyway with our joby, so.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
You could you could put and now you have a
situation where it's like it sort of extends that like
the dating feeling where it's like you have to plan
ahead and you get excited and then you miss each
other more and those sorts of things like and missing
yes is not necessarily thought to be like a positive feeling.
(21:15):
I think it's great, But I think it is a
great feeling because when you reunite, it's.
Speaker 3 (21:20):
So much better. Yeah, we have on top of each
other all the time.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Like you don't miss each other, well, they get you
miss each other when you go to work for the day. No.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Well, And you're making so many good points about our
relationships specifically, And I think this is exactly what we
were talking about in reference to we don't know anyone's story, right,
Like he and I both have to travel a lot
for work individually. So let's say, for instance, he moves here, Well,
so he gives up all his friends in Charleston and
say I'm gone all the time. I mean, we both
(21:52):
have a good mentality of like creating happiness wherever we
are and what the circumstances are. So I know he
would be happy and find his place and whatever. But
it's also like, well, if I'm in a busy season,
why can't he just be in the life that he
loves in Charleston, you know, with his friends and his
set up like community, Like does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (22:12):
Or like if he's because he's going to blame you, guys,
He's going to blame you for his unhappiness exactly.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
There's such a recipe for resentment in that dynamic and
the only reason we would be doing it. I'm not
saying we never will, but for right now, the only
reason we would be doing it is for other people's
opinions of what it should look like to have a
successful relationship.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
Right.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
And then I'm looking around and I'm like, you're telling
me how to live my life, but you don't seem happy.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Yeah, I mean more than fifty percent of marriages today
are ending in divorce. Yeah, So what does that tell
you about the old social norms?
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Right? Like, maybe they't work in anymore, right, Or it's
not that it won't work for everyone, like I do
believe there are some people who really thrive in those dimo.
I'm just asking not to be judged if that's not
the way that works for me.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
And that has changed a lot of things too, because
you know, we used to live in a.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
World that was a lot smaller, where all you really knew. Yes,
there was national news stories and we would see them
on television. I mean, but like I was alive, You
and I were both alive when we didn't have cable yet,
Like it didn't exist, So the national news was just
the three major stations, and then you had local news,
so it's like the world was a lot smaller, so
(23:29):
it made sense that like people would sort of stay
close to home and want to be closer. But now
it's like I'm in Birdsneth, Virginia, and I can know
what's going on in Bangladesh now because of the Internet,
so and like want.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
To go time lot, Like it's there.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
There's so many ways to be connected, but there's also
a million reasons to be pulled away from what your
norm is.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
And I think that you.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Know, in order to have a successful relationship, you have
to be able to like tap into that your independence
and your freedom, and there's so many things calling to
our freedom now, you know, like you want to get
on a plane and go somewhere. And it's like if
you're tied to the structure of no I have to
be at home with my significant other all the time
(24:14):
if I'm not at work, then that's an anchor to
your life, I think, you know, and it's it seems
really unhealthy.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
Whereas like if.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
You were like, Hey, I want to go to Florida
this weekend, are you free to come with me? Then
it could be an exciting adventure for you guys or
it's just something that you get to go do and
like feed your soul.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
Yeah, well you said that you felt like that certain
mentality where you're tied to your house or whatever being
a healthy I don't know if I agree with that,
because I think it's like the opposite of what we're
trying to say. I don't know if it's unhealthy. I
just know it won't work for me, right, Whereas like
for some people that is what they need or what
they want and works for their family. And I remember
when I was younger, probably like late twenties, and I
(24:54):
the only way that I knew to not do what
I didn't want to do was to kind of hate
on the people doing it, like hate on people getting
married or hate on people having kids, and like you know,
the ick I got from the pressure I was putting.
And the reality is is like I don't want to
go back and hate on the other side either, because
it's like it's the same thing we talk about politically,
(25:16):
like it's what works for them, Like it's truly yes.
But I think what I'm so grateful for with these
kind of articles and just the conversation I was able
to have with Kelly is just that there's actually scientific
research that you know, says why this kind of system
would work. There's people living this out that it's working for.
(25:37):
And not to say that that should be across the board.
That's not what I think the scientific research says. I'm
just saying there is proof that for certain people, the
current setup of this is the way you live and
that's how you find success is just not going to work.
Like it's just that's not the reality for everyone. And
I think it's so important that we hold space for
(26:01):
variation and differences, and that's what makes our country beautiful.
I mean, there's so many I don't even know how
many people live in America.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
Like three hundred and fifty million or something. It's actually
quite small compared to some of the bigger.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Nations, like three hundred and fifty million people. Though, how
in the how in the world are you going to say, hey,
you better get married and have kids and think that
that's going to be what works for everyone. Everyone comes,
they're a different background, they have different priorities in their lives,
they're wired differently, Like, how are we assuming that we
just know how things.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
Should be In the gay community.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
I'm seeing it becoming much more normalized to be married
but in an open relationship. Oh and to me, and
I have no judgment for it, because that actually sounds
like it would be really fun to just you know,
have your cake and eat it too all the time.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
That's such a body mentality.
Speaker 3 (26:53):
But I don't.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
But I don't think it would work for me because
of I would be too jealous and I would I
would feel shunned. But I am seeing a lot more
of that in the community. And what's funny too, is like,
if you know, I put on my like sort of
historical patriarchal hat, it would be like, why the fuck
would we fight to get married just to like not
(27:14):
really be married. But the thing is, I think, you know,
marriage means different things to different people. And it's like,
if you find your best friend that you want to
grow old and die with, then by all means married.
That should be what the marriage is based on. And
obviously you're you're building a family, or you're building a
business together, or you're building whatever it is within the
(27:35):
walls of your relationship. But then you know, sexually it
doesn't you don't have to be confined.
Speaker 3 (27:41):
To that space.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
You can go do whatever you want to do as
long as you're both consenting and everyone's on the same page.
That to me, it would not work for me, but
I'm happy to see that it's working for other people
because I do think relationships come in all different shapes,
and if that's what it takes to keep your relationship
happy and healthy, then by.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
All means do that.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
There's a plenty of people who are in what is
the stereotypical marriage that lay in the same bed every
night and they do everything that the world thinks that
they should do, and they're not fucking anymore.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
You know, they don't.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
Even like each other, but they're doing the thing that
they're told that they're supposed to do, and that, by
the way, they're doing it not because they want to
be doing it. They're doing it because they're worried about
the judgment of other people. And I think that's you know,
where you and I are sitting here and agreeing wholeheartedly,
is that like, keep your judgment out of other people's relationships,
(28:34):
because what works for one couple isn't going to work
with another couple, and vice versa.
Speaker 3 (28:40):
That's just the moral of the story here.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
For a long time, I really struggled with the concept
of like an open marriage or polyamory. And I had
a psychologist one wants who spoke about being in a
polyamorous relationship, but she also like lived it out and
that was her life and it taught me so much.
And the truth is is I was so judgmental of
(29:13):
it because it made me uncomfortable, because I would really
struggle in that situation, right Like, I would really I
don't think I could do it. I would cut a bit,
you know, I'm like, don't touch my man. That's very
much my vibe. And I also had such a traumatic
experience with being cheated on that I've really had to
work through even learning how to trust again in relationship.
(29:34):
And so yeah, like those kind of situations sounded wild
to me, But what was really interesting was learning about
them specifically and realizing that they actually had to communicate
even more to make those relationships successful, and they're in
such a place of having to have transparency and openness.
And now, what I would say from a spiritual perspective
(29:55):
is I truly don't know what any soul is supposed
to experience. And if I'm in one relationship for me personally,
that's enough mirroring and growth work and like seeing my
shit that I can handle, Like I can only handle
one person doing that. But if you're in a situation,
like a poly situation, you're in multiple relationships, so I'm
(30:16):
sure your shit's coming up in all different forms at
all times. Maybe that's what that person's soul needs. Like
who am I to.
Speaker 3 (30:23):
Say advance growth too?
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Yes, it advance like truly because you're constantly being challenged
and having to communicate and be truthful and transparent, and like,
as much as we all want to think that we are, true,
intimacy is such a deeper level of that. Then I
think we are willing, Like I don't think we're always
willing to admit the little slight things that we're not
(30:46):
being truthful about all the time, you know, like they're
very evident. So anyway, I'm saying all that to say,
I think it just gets back to the point of, like,
it's interesting when you really think about what's bothering you
about the way someone will is living their life, and truthfully,
usually it's about what it's bringing up in you, you know, right.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
A lot of times I would think it's probably jealousy,
and it's but I wouldn't do it.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
It's like I have no desire to be in an
open relationship. Like I said, I truly would be like,
who the fuck is that bitch? You know?
Speaker 3 (31:19):
Right? And where.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Exactly? And he's like, why was at her house? And
You're like, I just couldn't do it. I know, are
they talking about why is she? I would do the
comparison thing, like why is she giving him something I can't?
I would feel insufficient. But that's my stuff. But because
of that, like for me to fully open up, I
need a lot of safety in relationships. And I truly
(31:42):
believe that's one of the reasons I feel so comfortable
in the relationship I'm in now is we've really worked
to try to do that, but it ebbs and flows.
You know, we don't get it right every day.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
So yeah, but the point is that you're talking about
it and you're focused on it and all of those things.
That's whereas I think the traditional shape of relationship there
is license in there to not do the work. Yeah,
if the structure is what the world thinks it should be.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Because the structure is more about checking a box of Okay,
we did that, but it is actually about what's happening
on the inside or behind closed doors, right, And that's
the problem to me, Like, the problem isn't that anyone
wants to get married young or stay married forever, or
have a bunch of kids or not to get married
or Yeah, that's not the problem.
Speaker 3 (32:31):
Ever.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
I think the problem is if we're operating from a
system of programming and not actually being intentional in our
own lives to ask ourselves what do we want and
what makes us happy and truly at peace?
Speaker 3 (32:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
I mean, look, it's I'm turning fifty, I'm single, i
don't have kids, and I've had to think about that
a lot, you know, like what is it that I want?
And the truth is, like, I'm really fucking happy in
my life right now, So I don't feel like that
there's this gaping hole that's missing. I think everyone craves companionship,
(33:06):
but I find it in other ways.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
I've got agree, you have more friends than anybody that.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
Yeah, I have. I have great friends.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
I have dogs, which you know, they provide a certain
level of companionship.
Speaker 3 (33:17):
I'm close with my family, Like my life is very full.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
But you know, I'm sure my mother is going to
ask before I leave if I've got a special friend,
you know, like a special friend, because that, to her,
in her viewpoint.
Speaker 3 (33:31):
Is really what makes people happy.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
Yeah, so it's really interesting that this topic came up
when I was observing so much of that this week.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
Yeah, you're living it out in real time right now. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (33:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
Yeah. The interesting thing too, I think what's helped me
with this kind of topic is learning so much about astrology,
and like when you read other people's charts and you
get to know your own, you realize that our souls
truly do come here with an intention, you know, and
some learning and unlearning to do, and it's very purposeful.
(34:06):
You also realize how differently all of us are wired,
and I think that that's like the biggest piece of it.
But like, some people didn't come to this lifetime, or
this is what I believe. I guess I should say
some people didn't come to this lifetime for relationships. That
wasn't their goal, Like the point was for them to
really focus on work, or really focus on friendships, or
really focus on individualism. Like unless you know someone's charge,
(34:31):
I would just say, like it's really dangerous to even
put a concept on what their life should look like.
Because we really don't know, and so if we tell
everyone the only way they can have a successful life
is X, Y and Z, we're really like setting up
our culture and our world to be this uniform place
or existence that doesn't help anyone really foster true growth,
(34:54):
Like really it doesn't. Anyway, I just think this is
such an interesting topic. I really would love to know
what you guys think on either side of the coin, Like,
I am very curious if this is making people very
frustrated to listen to this conversation, or if they're like, yeah,
you know, Like I just I'm very I can't really
gauge what the reaction would be. Obviously, Chip and I
(35:15):
are both a little more open minded, and so I
think for us this is exciting, but I'd be curious,
like does this scare you? Does this pish you off?
Does this what does it do? So anyway, you can
email us at the Edge at velvetsedge dot com. You
can also hit me up on Instagram. I'm at Velvet's.
Speaker 3 (35:30):
Edge, Chip, I'm at Chip Doors. It's Chip d O
R S CCH.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
We also are about to start our new Instagram page,
which is at Velvet Edge Podcast, so be sure to
follow us so you can see some of the upcoming
things we're doing on there. You can also watch us
on YouTube. I mean, there's so many different things we're
doing now, Chap, we have variation.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
You know you're not anymore.
Speaker 1 (35:56):
That was very well.
Speaker 3 (35:56):
Yeah, I like that.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
This week as you guys go into the week weekend.
Damn it, I got way ahead of myself. You really
threw me with such a good As you guys go
into the weekend and you're living on the edge, I
hope you guys are remember too.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
A casual Hi
Host
Kelly Henderson
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