October 6, 2025 • 24 mins
Dr. Wendy is helping you create the perfect dating profile and how to date like a Subaru. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I Am six forty the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app. Okay, thank you everybody for
sending me these wonderful dms. During the week, I go
through them, I read them, I send some to Kayla.
That's why sometimes if you send me a DM on Instagram,
(00:22):
you have to wait till Sunday night when the show
is Okay, here we go, Dear doctor Wendy. I'm fifty
five and thinking about dating after a three year break.
I get it. Okay, your show and social media posts
are very inspiration. Well, thank you. When or how do
you ask a guy uh huh if he can still
(00:42):
have an erection, either with or without viagra? Men use
that pip. Men who use that pill can usually go
for hours. And that's not my oh oh oh oh,
not your thing. Okay, so let me have a little
chat here. First of all, we do know that our
bodies change as we get older. Sexuality changes, our sex
(01:07):
life changes. There are lots of medical interventions both for
women and men. So I do encourage you, as a
fifty five year old woman, if you are experiencing menopausal
symptoms that may affect your sexual performance behavior to talk
to your doctor. Maybe go see a woman, usually a
woman doctor who specializes in hormones, et cetera. But men
(01:31):
also change and have challenges. So did you know that
at the age of forty forty percent of men have
a rectal difficulties, at the age of fifty fifty percent,
at the age of sixty sixty percent at the age
of seventy. You might as well just go to the movies,
all right. So, but relationships as we age become different too.
(01:56):
Sex is very important in a young relationship because it's
largely a well procreation. You're getting together, hopefully to have
a family together. As you get older, it becomes more
of a bonding experience, and sex can take lots of
different forms. I have some friends of a certain age
who say, we don't have an intercourse anymore. We have
(02:17):
outer course. But mature companionate love is good for our health.
It's good for our mental health, it's good for our
physical health, and it's okay if sexuality is a much
smaller piece of it. Now. I know I haven't answered
your question, which is when do you ask them? Well,
(02:38):
you can't ask them something so intimate until you've established
some level of emotional intimacy and trust. Right, Definitely, don't
wait till you get to the bedroom.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
And it sounds like maybe the fact that you don't
want a guy to go on forever and ever anymore
of a friend who says I like it big and fast, okay,
uh is meaning that there's something you want to share
about your sexuality. So I would say, wait a bunch
of dates till you're sure you're going that direction, and
(03:11):
then gently, you know, bring up the topic in terms
of you, right, and build that intimacy slowly, but you
can do it. That's a long winded answer, wasn't it.
I don't know if it even answered it correctly but
or succinctly, But I did all right, Dear doctor Wendy
says this next listener, Looking back, I sabotaged both of
(03:33):
my graduation events, and I can see how I belittle
other celebrations in my life. Most recently, I turned sixty
and I didn't have a party. Oh no, I won't
to have a party for you. My group of friends
have had parties for other group members and didn't even
ask if I wanted one. I'm hurt. I don't know
(03:53):
if I wanted a celebration. But is this worth addressing?
Speaker 2 (03:57):
All right?
Speaker 1 (03:58):
I need to stop here and say that you're sounding
a little victimy, and it's like you're expecting everyone else
to honor you so that you can feel honored, so
that you can feel worthy, so that you can feel
worth celebrating. I'm gonna tell you the people who have
(04:19):
the best time at their parties plan them themselves. When
I had a fiftieth, oh my god, I called it
my full frontal fiftieth. I planned it like I was
planning a wedding. I didn't even meet Julio until years later,
but I did everything, the food, the decorations, the valet parking.
We did a roast for me, so I had people
write comedy and roast me. And I did it all
(04:41):
myself because I deserved it. I wasn't gonna sit around
and wonder do I am I loved enough? Are people
gonna throw me a party? That's not their job? Okay,
it is your job to celebrate yourself. Or go to
your closest friends and go, hey, can you guys throw
a party for me? I'll pay for half or whatever.
You know, like, let's just do it. That's how you
(05:03):
do it. Okay, it sounds like the way you started
off with I sabotaged both my graduation events and how
I belittle other celebrations in my life. This is about
you learning to toast yourself. Roast yourself, love yourself, celebrate yourself.
You deserve it, and don't wait for somebody else to
do it. That's all I say. Uh, Dear doctor Wendy,
(05:26):
how can a gay man navigate emotional intimacy with his
partner when both were raised in environments that discouraged vulnerability. Oh,
you guys must be so cute, heavy masculine men. Nice.
You're going to have to start slowly. And the way
you start when you're talking about emotional intimacy is you
(05:49):
don't start by saying I have to disclose something very personal.
You start by saying, hey, I want you to know
that it's really hard for me to talk about tender things.
I came from a family that didn't really express many
emotions or feelings, and so I feel, you know, it's difficult.
I feel kind of shameful doing it in a sense,
(06:10):
like you might have come from the same environment, and
then you ask that important question, how put two brains
together to solve the problem. How could we solve this?
Or how should we start this? Because I really want
you to know me better and I want to know
you better, So start by talking about why you're having
difficulty talking about it. Dear doctor, Wendy says this listener,
(06:33):
my boyfriend is pulling away. I love him so much.
Can I save this or let it go? We've been
dating for a year. Well, I have so little information here,
he's pulling away. It's been a year. Should I save
it or not?
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Can I?
Speaker 1 (06:48):
Or can I not? I don't know enough about this
relationship to know what's going on, but I think that
you need to address it. I mean, what have you
got to lose? If he's pulling away, he's on his
way out, so you might have We'll notice it and say, hey,
i've noticed your calling less or I'm seeing you less.
I'm wondering what you're experiencing. What do you feel in
Can you share with me? Just talk about it? Comment
(07:10):
on it. That's what I need you to do. Comment
on it all right, when we come back, I have
some dating advice specifically, well, you know it could car
almost apply to anybody, but specifically for heterosexual women looking
for a commitment. And I want to share a story
with you about how the car manufacturer super U created
(07:35):
a marketing campaign that was hugely successful. And there's some
lessons for all of us and how we can market
ourselves on dating apps. I'll explain when we come back.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
You should know here on the Doctor Wendy Wall Show,
I talked to all kinds of people about all kinds
of relationships. I talk about parents and kids, or adult kids.
I talk about raising teenagers. Sometimes I talk about long
term married people. I give advice to men, But my
sweet spot, because I lived it and I know it,
(08:15):
is giving dating advice to heterosexual women who want a commitment,
want a long term relationship. So, whether you're eighteen or eighty,
if you're female and you're looking for a commitment, I
want you to listen up. And my little bit of
advice today comes out of some advice I got once
upon a time from a man, and the advice was,
(08:39):
you know, you have to cast a wide net. This
was supposed to be encouragement, but actually it was a
bunch of man splaining. The guy who gave me this
quote unquote friendly advice was a divorced man who wants
upon a time. I was on a date with this
guy and I had already you know, had fun in
the bedroom together, and I thought, like, we're going somewhere.
(09:02):
We're like, we're a couple, right, But then he said
something on the date that made me kind of go
what he said, well, you know, it's harder for he
was talking about his ex wife, right, And I asked
him a question about why isn't she in a relationship.
He said, well, you know, it's harder for women with children.
Men don't want to take on another guy's kids. Then
he totally caught himself. I raised my eyebrows and at
(09:26):
the time, I think I had like a three year
old and an eight year old. He knew it, and
then he said, well, I mean like you're the exception, right. Uh.
I knew what he was saying. He wasn't about to
commit to me and not to my little family. So
just to test if I thought I heard it right,
you know what I said, I said, you know, I
was thinking of trying a dating app, and he was
(09:48):
supposed to say, what, why would you go on a
dating app? You're here with me, but he didn't. He
started giving me tips on how to use the dating apps,
like cast a wide net. Nothing could be further from
the truth. Honestly, if there's any advice you've heard so far,
it's don't take any dating advice from a man. They
use dating apps different than we do. They they cast
(10:09):
wide nets we do not. Here's what I want you
to do, ladies, I want you to think like a
Subaru ad You ever heard this story? Back in the nineties,
Subaru was a small Japanese car manufacturer and they were
not doing well at all. They were in the category
of what you call like rugged hatchbacks, and they were
very inexpensive and they but you know, they just didn't
(10:32):
have the big advertising budgets of the big guys like Toyota, Honda,
and Ford. So what they were doing is casting a
wide net because they were hoping that people who wanted
to aspire to get into those big name brand cars
and couldn't afford it would settle for a Subaru because
it was cheaper and easier to get into. Ladies, that
(10:54):
doesn't mean, you're supposed to act like you're cheaper and
easier to get into. It didn't work for Subaru. It's
not going to work for you. So what Subaru did
is they decided to do some market research. They hired
a new ad agency and they said, let's just figure
out who already has bought a Subaru and likes it,
and let's go after those particular people. And what they
(11:14):
found is there were these weird little pockets in the country.
I think one of them was Northampton, Massachusetts, another was Portland, Oregon,
and it was they were largely female and often head
of the household. So they set up these focus groups.
They flew in with researchers and they started interviewing these
customers and asking them about what they loved about Subaru.
And they found out something really interesting. Their big customer
(11:36):
were gay women. Apparently Subaru's really matched if you could
call the lesbian lifestyle at the time. They had room
for dogs, galpals, camping gear, and oh here's another inside thing.
So the name Subaru was the Japanese word for the
I can't say it right play des plaidis star cluster,
and the Subaru logo, you know, all those stars. It's
(11:59):
seven stars in a constellation, and so the nickname was
seven Sisters. Now you might not know that, but seven
sisters is also a euphinism, a euphemism. I'll get the
word up for these all women colleges that were seen
as like counterparts to ivy leagues, and a lot of
gay women went to these all women college blah blah blah.
(12:22):
So they decided, we're going to create a campaign that
markets to lesbian women. Here's the problem. First of all,
it's a very conservative Japanese company with very conservative men.
So in the meeting in Japan, they were trying to
explain to them what they were doing, that they wanted
to market to gay women. And these guys had no
idea what the word gay meant. So they searched it,
(12:45):
I guess in their Google translator or whatever. It found
out that it meant joyful and happy. And then they
enthusiastics said, go for it. Joyful happy women. That's a
great customer. Now you got to remember this is back
in nineteen ninety five, about one year after Ikea had
been brave enough to air and ad with a gay
(13:06):
male couple who were shopping for a dining room table,
and there was so much controversy over that, so they
were really worried about what they could do, so they
decided to go stealth. Their ads were super subtle, like
a wink and a nod and coded language that only
lesbians would figure out. So if you look back at
some of the SUPERU ads you can google them. They're
really fun. From the mid nineties, you'll see car license
(13:28):
plates that read ZENA LVR Xena Lover, a reference to
Xena Warrior Princess, and it was a TV show at
the time where it was rumored that the two female
protagonists were lovers, or the license plate might read Pee Town,
a nickname for Provincetown, Massachusetts, a popular LGBT vacation spot.
And then they went way out there. They had these
(13:51):
double meaning things like get out and stay out. I
mean that could refer to exploring the outdoors in a
super U or maybe coming out as gay, or one
of their slow was it's not a choice, it's the
way we're built, and it could refer to Subaru's coming
with all wheel drive or LGBT identity. Eventually they hired
(14:11):
they went all out. They hired Martina Nevertulova as their spokesperson. Anyway,
their sales doubled. So what does this mean to you
if you're a heterosexual woman looking for commitment oriented male.
Does this mean you should market to lesbian women? Well,
if you want to, that's fine, enjoy no problem there.
But if you want to find a guy who's into
(14:32):
just you, you need to figure out who he is
and not cast a wide net. You need to learn
about male sexual psychology and how guys when they settle
down to commitment, are not looking for a girl who
has shared her eggs with the tribes. I think the
biggest mistake I used to make as a young woman
is kind of bragging about my sexual experience. I thought
(14:53):
it was pretty cool. Guys did not want to hear that.
Even my sweet Julio naff I try to mention people
have dated. He's like, I don't want to hear it.
I have historical jealousy. He said. Today I was returning
something to a friend. I should lend me these sneakers
that were really cute. And so she wasn't home. She said,
go to my balcony, just toss him over top, and
(15:14):
so I did, and then I took a picture where
they landed in a bag of course, and they landed
right on her little chair out on her balcony, and
I said, look, I'm pretty good shot and land it
right on your balcony, and she goes. I guess it
pays off that we dated so many NBA players in
our youth. Huh. Julio did not like that joke. He
did not like that joke. So my point is, follow me,
(15:36):
stay near. I'm going to continue to talk more about
this stuff when we come back. I'm just going to
continue the conversation for a little bit. Guy's closure ears
or listen, maybe there's information you can learn about male
sexual psychology. Let's talk about the five photographs that should
be in every woman's dating profile if they're actually looking
for a long term relationship.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
When we come back, you're listening to Doctor when Walsh
on Demand from KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
I have been doing a lot of research late, because
I think I've mentioned a few times. I am deep
into writing another book. My fourth book. I did like
a pay at word count, because you know, you can
the computer at the end of the document will tell
you how many words and you can add up each
chapter because for me. It's like I got to get
to the end. And the average self help book I
(16:26):
learned is about forty thousand words. Well I'm at thirty
three thousand. I sily got like five chapters left to right,
so it's going to be longer than we thought. But
I keep pulling up interesting science that I want to
share with you guys. And the main thing I want
to talk about right now is how a single woman
because women are complaining all the time. I'm this high
(16:46):
value woman. I deserve a high value man, and how
come I'm not finding them on those apps? Well you're
probably using the apps wrong, and I'll explain. But let's
talk about how commitment oriented men look for women on
a dating app. And I gotta tell you, I'm a researcher.
I do my own kind of market research. Back when
(17:07):
I was single, before ever I joined a new dating app,
I would borrow a guy friend's phone and I would
search for me or women like me, like my age group,
my zip code, whatever. I really wanted to size up
my competition. And let me tell you, I was so
shocked at what I found. Too many women out there
are using short term strategies to achieve long term goals. Now,
(17:31):
I know there are women out there looking for short
term relationships. Cool, enjoy it, enjoy your orgasm, have fun.
But plenty of others are sending some very mixed messages
to men. They post a deck of bathing suit shots,
bird boudoirs, lingerie shots, highly filtered beauty shots, and then
they write in their profile that they're looking for a
(17:52):
long term relationship. Let me tell you, ladies, guys are
so visually wired that they will blow past any words
you may write, if they read them at all, and
go right to the idea of getting in the bedroom
with you. So here, in my opinion, are the five
photos that I think every woman should have in their profile.
And let me also say, don't have more than five.
(18:13):
This is not a photo dump of your entire life.
This is just a little tease to let him know
who you are. Okay, Your main profile photo should be
basically a headshot or as wide as from the waist
up or a little closer chest up, whatever, and it
should be your smiling face. Now, there's research to support this.
(18:33):
Men don't like beauty filters, men don't like too much makeup,
men don't like the duck face. Yes, did you know
they did a research study where they took women in
sort of light pretty everyday makeup and they altered their
pictures using filters to make them look more made up,
and the men preferred the more natural looking women. Right,
So get rid of the Vegas show girl look, the
(18:56):
Instagram glam makeup. And there is research to show that
you should smile. Men don't like that duckface. They actually
swipe right more often on women who have a nice
smiling face. And finally, and there's a ton of research
on this where the color red. It's called the red
effect in science, and basically men are more likely to
(19:20):
associate romance and attraction with people wearing red. Okay, that's
picture number one. Picture number two is your whole body. Now,
when I say your body fully clothed, ladies, fully clothed,
it's a second thing he's seeing on you. Do not
shock him with you in a bathing suitor lingerie or
anything like that. But he wants to see what body
type he's signing up for. And I'm not body shaming here.
(19:41):
I want to say this that there is a guy
for everybody. He is signing up for you, but he
needs to see a full length shot. I remember when
I had my dating app. I think I had my
daughter shoot me. There was sort of an Instagram trend
where you stood in the middle of a road well
when the light was red and it was lee and
she got down low and kind of shot up on me.
(20:03):
So I looked super tall and I was in like
black tight black jeans and boots and a little black
leather jacket, a short one, and it basically showed that
I was tall and thin. And that's my type. I'm
an ecdomorph. What can I say? But I was fully clothed. Okay.
Photo number three is what you do. This is your
chance to show the guy your hobby, your work, anything
you're passionate about. This is not a picture of something
(20:26):
you've done once in a lifetime to show off that
you know you've been to this place or done that.
It's really showing him in your milu. So, whether you
horseback ride, do pilates, cook, read, work in a busy office,
a manufacturing plant, or a trading room floor, establish yourself
in that setting. So if you fly jets, sing karaoke,
(20:50):
teaching a preschool, work in a hospital, whatever it is,
show him in your show you in your life, most
common thing in your life.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
All right?
Speaker 1 (20:59):
Photo number four? Are you writing this down? Yes, a
bathing suit, but I call it this shy bathing suit picture.
Don't flaunt it. Think about these words coy, demure, subtle,
careful and partial. These should be the words in your
head when you're deciding which shot of you in a
bathing suit to put in a profile. No full monte here, ladies,
(21:19):
and also not a selfie in your bathroom mirror. I mean,
if you're in a bathing suit, be where you would beat, like, pool, beach,
whatever like. Be in the right environment. And I want
to say this, if you are over the age of forty, ladies,
I just mean this carefully and gently. You're so valuable.
You got so much going on life, experience, wisdom, your
sense of humor, your intelligence. Everything is great. I wouldn't
(21:42):
put a some sexy bathing suit shot, even if you're
a workout queen. You know why, because when he's swiping,
and he's going to swipe a wide ray age range
of women, because men tend to do that, you're going
to be shown right alongside a twenty five year old
And I'm sorry, no matter how fit you are, ladies,
you're not going to match that, so just don't even
put that out. And you know it looked me really,
(22:07):
I think it can look like you feel insecure or
something right, like you're saying, I hope you think I'm
hot because I have nothing else to offer. Photo number
five is your wild card. Think of this as a
shot of a particular part of your personality or your
lifestyle that's important for him to know about. So if
you're a dog lady, cat lady, this is the time
(22:27):
to bring the pets into the picture. If your mom
put the kids in there, yeah, you can pixelate their faces,
that's fine. I was sitting at in this radio, very
radio station at iHeart and I had I was like
at in my booth with my microphone, figuring he'd figure
out that I do radio. He never, Julio never figured
it out. Guys are so dumb. Because I had a
T shirt, a big sweatshirt on and I had the
(22:50):
words on the sweatshirt I'm not for everyone, showing that
I was choosy, right, And you know what he said
out loud. He read that, and then he said to himself,
she may not be for everyone, but she's for me. Okay,
those are the five photos you should put in your
dating app profile. One little caveat if you are a
(23:12):
high value woman, if you want a high value man.
It's also a good idea. ASA mentioned where red in
your main profile picture, but somewhere in there where white?
Did you know if you dress in all white? There
is research to show that it signals wealth, high status,
and good hygiene. Come on, it's hard to keep whites clean.
(23:35):
So it shows that you know you have someone else
doing your laundry or something, or you have time, or
you're just a neat, tidy person. And it eludes, kind
of exudes luxury. Think of white parties or the Hampton
summer look. No, I don't mean pe Ditty's white parties,
none of that nonsense. Hey, if you want to know
more about this, I'm going to start putting lots of
(23:56):
videos on my social media that give heterosex will women
who want a commitment lots of advice. So follow me
on my social media at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor
Wendy Walsh. And that brings the Doctor Wendy Walsh radio
show to a close. I'm always here for you every
Sunday from seven to nine pm, but you can always
follow me on my social You can also download the
(24:19):
iHeartRadio app, search Doctor Wendy Walsh, hit the preset button
above my name, and anytime you miss any part of
a show, it'll just pop up in your app. So
let's do that. We'll see you next Sunday. You've been
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh, you can always hear us
live on KFI Am six forty from seven to nine
pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio
(24:40):
app
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I Am six forty the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app. Okay, thank you everybody for
sending me these wonderful dms. During the week, I go
through them, I read them, I send some to Kayla.
That's why sometimes if you send me a DM on Instagram,
(00:22):
you have to wait till Sunday night when the show
is Okay, here we go, Dear doctor Wendy. I'm fifty
five and thinking about dating after a three year break.
I get it. Okay, your show and social media posts
are very inspiration. Well, thank you. When or how do
you ask a guy uh huh if he can still
(00:42):
have an erection, either with or without viagra? Men use
that pip. Men who use that pill can usually go
for hours. And that's not my oh oh oh oh,
not your thing. Okay, so let me have a little
chat here. First of all, we do know that our
bodies change as we get older. Sexuality changes, our sex
(01:07):
life changes. There are lots of medical interventions both for
women and men. So I do encourage you, as a
fifty five year old woman, if you are experiencing menopausal
symptoms that may affect your sexual performance behavior to talk
to your doctor. Maybe go see a woman, usually a
woman doctor who specializes in hormones, et cetera. But men
(01:31):
also change and have challenges. So did you know that
at the age of forty forty percent of men have
a rectal difficulties, at the age of fifty fifty percent,
at the age of sixty sixty percent at the age
of seventy. You might as well just go to the movies,
all right. So, but relationships as we age become different too.
(01:56):
Sex is very important in a young relationship because it's
largely a well procreation. You're getting together, hopefully to have
a family together. As you get older, it becomes more
of a bonding experience, and sex can take lots of
different forms. I have some friends of a certain age
who say, we don't have an intercourse anymore. We have
(02:17):
outer course. But mature companionate love is good for our health.
It's good for our mental health, it's good for our
physical health, and it's okay if sexuality is a much
smaller piece of it. Now. I know I haven't answered
your question, which is when do you ask them? Well,
(02:38):
you can't ask them something so intimate until you've established
some level of emotional intimacy and trust. Right, Definitely, don't
wait till you get to the bedroom.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
And it sounds like maybe the fact that you don't
want a guy to go on forever and ever anymore
of a friend who says I like it big and fast, okay,
uh is meaning that there's something you want to share
about your sexuality. So I would say, wait a bunch
of dates till you're sure you're going that direction, and
(03:11):
then gently, you know, bring up the topic in terms
of you, right, and build that intimacy slowly, but you
can do it. That's a long winded answer, wasn't it.
I don't know if it even answered it correctly but
or succinctly, But I did all right, Dear doctor Wendy
says this next listener, Looking back, I sabotaged both of
(03:33):
my graduation events, and I can see how I belittle
other celebrations in my life. Most recently, I turned sixty
and I didn't have a party. Oh no, I won't
to have a party for you. My group of friends
have had parties for other group members and didn't even
ask if I wanted one. I'm hurt. I don't know
(03:53):
if I wanted a celebration. But is this worth addressing?
Speaker 2 (03:57):
All right?
Speaker 1 (03:58):
I need to stop here and say that you're sounding
a little victimy, and it's like you're expecting everyone else
to honor you so that you can feel honored, so
that you can feel worthy, so that you can feel
worth celebrating. I'm gonna tell you the people who have
(04:19):
the best time at their parties plan them themselves. When
I had a fiftieth, oh my god, I called it
my full frontal fiftieth. I planned it like I was
planning a wedding. I didn't even meet Julio until years later,
but I did everything, the food, the decorations, the valet parking.
We did a roast for me, so I had people
write comedy and roast me. And I did it all
(04:41):
myself because I deserved it. I wasn't gonna sit around
and wonder do I am I loved enough? Are people
gonna throw me a party? That's not their job? Okay,
it is your job to celebrate yourself. Or go to
your closest friends and go, hey, can you guys throw
a party for me? I'll pay for half or whatever.
You know, like, let's just do it. That's how you
(05:03):
do it. Okay, it sounds like the way you started
off with I sabotaged both my graduation events and how
I belittle other celebrations in my life. This is about
you learning to toast yourself. Roast yourself, love yourself, celebrate yourself.
You deserve it, and don't wait for somebody else to
do it. That's all I say. Uh, Dear doctor Wendy,
(05:26):
how can a gay man navigate emotional intimacy with his
partner when both were raised in environments that discouraged vulnerability. Oh,
you guys must be so cute, heavy masculine men. Nice.
You're going to have to start slowly. And the way
you start when you're talking about emotional intimacy is you
(05:49):
don't start by saying I have to disclose something very personal.
You start by saying, hey, I want you to know
that it's really hard for me to talk about tender things.
I came from a family that didn't really express many
emotions or feelings, and so I feel, you know, it's difficult.
I feel kind of shameful doing it in a sense,
(06:10):
like you might have come from the same environment, and
then you ask that important question, how put two brains
together to solve the problem. How could we solve this?
Or how should we start this? Because I really want
you to know me better and I want to know
you better, So start by talking about why you're having
difficulty talking about it. Dear doctor, Wendy says this listener,
(06:33):
my boyfriend is pulling away. I love him so much.
Can I save this or let it go? We've been
dating for a year. Well, I have so little information here,
he's pulling away. It's been a year. Should I save
it or not?
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Can I?
Speaker 1 (06:48):
Or can I not? I don't know enough about this
relationship to know what's going on, but I think that
you need to address it. I mean, what have you
got to lose? If he's pulling away, he's on his
way out, so you might have We'll notice it and say, hey,
i've noticed your calling less or I'm seeing you less.
I'm wondering what you're experiencing. What do you feel in
Can you share with me? Just talk about it? Comment
(07:10):
on it. That's what I need you to do. Comment
on it all right, when we come back, I have
some dating advice specifically, well, you know it could car
almost apply to anybody, but specifically for heterosexual women looking
for a commitment. And I want to share a story
with you about how the car manufacturer super U created
(07:35):
a marketing campaign that was hugely successful. And there's some
lessons for all of us and how we can market
ourselves on dating apps. I'll explain when we come back.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
You should know here on the Doctor Wendy Wall Show,
I talked to all kinds of people about all kinds
of relationships. I talk about parents and kids, or adult kids.
I talk about raising teenagers. Sometimes I talk about long
term married people. I give advice to men, But my
sweet spot, because I lived it and I know it,
(08:15):
is giving dating advice to heterosexual women who want a commitment,
want a long term relationship. So, whether you're eighteen or eighty,
if you're female and you're looking for a commitment, I
want you to listen up. And my little bit of
advice today comes out of some advice I got once
upon a time from a man, and the advice was,
(08:39):
you know, you have to cast a wide net. This
was supposed to be encouragement, but actually it was a
bunch of man splaining. The guy who gave me this
quote unquote friendly advice was a divorced man who wants
upon a time. I was on a date with this
guy and I had already you know, had fun in
the bedroom together, and I thought, like, we're going somewhere.
(09:02):
We're like, we're a couple, right, But then he said
something on the date that made me kind of go
what he said, well, you know, it's harder for he
was talking about his ex wife, right, And I asked
him a question about why isn't she in a relationship.
He said, well, you know, it's harder for women with children.
Men don't want to take on another guy's kids. Then
he totally caught himself. I raised my eyebrows and at
(09:26):
the time, I think I had like a three year
old and an eight year old. He knew it, and
then he said, well, I mean like you're the exception, right. Uh.
I knew what he was saying. He wasn't about to
commit to me and not to my little family. So
just to test if I thought I heard it right,
you know what I said, I said, you know, I
was thinking of trying a dating app, and he was
(09:48):
supposed to say, what, why would you go on a
dating app? You're here with me, but he didn't. He
started giving me tips on how to use the dating apps,
like cast a wide net. Nothing could be further from
the truth. Honestly, if there's any advice you've heard so far,
it's don't take any dating advice from a man. They
use dating apps different than we do. They they cast
(10:09):
wide nets we do not. Here's what I want you
to do, ladies, I want you to think like a
Subaru ad You ever heard this story? Back in the nineties,
Subaru was a small Japanese car manufacturer and they were
not doing well at all. They were in the category
of what you call like rugged hatchbacks, and they were
very inexpensive and they but you know, they just didn't
(10:32):
have the big advertising budgets of the big guys like Toyota, Honda,
and Ford. So what they were doing is casting a
wide net because they were hoping that people who wanted
to aspire to get into those big name brand cars
and couldn't afford it would settle for a Subaru because
it was cheaper and easier to get into. Ladies, that
(10:54):
doesn't mean, you're supposed to act like you're cheaper and
easier to get into. It didn't work for Subaru. It's
not going to work for you. So what Subaru did
is they decided to do some market research. They hired
a new ad agency and they said, let's just figure
out who already has bought a Subaru and likes it,
and let's go after those particular people. And what they
(11:14):
found is there were these weird little pockets in the country.
I think one of them was Northampton, Massachusetts, another was Portland, Oregon,
and it was they were largely female and often head
of the household. So they set up these focus groups.
They flew in with researchers and they started interviewing these
customers and asking them about what they loved about Subaru.
And they found out something really interesting. Their big customer
(11:36):
were gay women. Apparently Subaru's really matched if you could
call the lesbian lifestyle at the time. They had room
for dogs, galpals, camping gear, and oh here's another inside thing.
So the name Subaru was the Japanese word for the
I can't say it right play des plaidis star cluster,
and the Subaru logo, you know, all those stars. It's
(11:59):
seven stars in a constellation, and so the nickname was
seven Sisters. Now you might not know that, but seven
sisters is also a euphinism, a euphemism. I'll get the
word up for these all women colleges that were seen
as like counterparts to ivy leagues, and a lot of
gay women went to these all women college blah blah blah.
(12:22):
So they decided, we're going to create a campaign that
markets to lesbian women. Here's the problem. First of all,
it's a very conservative Japanese company with very conservative men.
So in the meeting in Japan, they were trying to
explain to them what they were doing, that they wanted
to market to gay women. And these guys had no
idea what the word gay meant. So they searched it,
(12:45):
I guess in their Google translator or whatever. It found
out that it meant joyful and happy. And then they
enthusiastics said, go for it. Joyful happy women. That's a
great customer. Now you got to remember this is back
in nineteen ninety five, about one year after Ikea had
been brave enough to air and ad with a gay
(13:06):
male couple who were shopping for a dining room table,
and there was so much controversy over that, so they
were really worried about what they could do, so they
decided to go stealth. Their ads were super subtle, like
a wink and a nod and coded language that only
lesbians would figure out. So if you look back at
some of the SUPERU ads you can google them. They're
really fun. From the mid nineties, you'll see car license
(13:28):
plates that read ZENA LVR Xena Lover, a reference to
Xena Warrior Princess, and it was a TV show at
the time where it was rumored that the two female
protagonists were lovers, or the license plate might read Pee Town,
a nickname for Provincetown, Massachusetts, a popular LGBT vacation spot.
And then they went way out there. They had these
(13:51):
double meaning things like get out and stay out. I
mean that could refer to exploring the outdoors in a
super U or maybe coming out as gay, or one
of their slow was it's not a choice, it's the
way we're built, and it could refer to Subaru's coming
with all wheel drive or LGBT identity. Eventually they hired
(14:11):
they went all out. They hired Martina Nevertulova as their spokesperson. Anyway,
their sales doubled. So what does this mean to you
if you're a heterosexual woman looking for commitment oriented male.
Does this mean you should market to lesbian women? Well,
if you want to, that's fine, enjoy no problem there.
But if you want to find a guy who's into
(14:32):
just you, you need to figure out who he is
and not cast a wide net. You need to learn
about male sexual psychology and how guys when they settle
down to commitment, are not looking for a girl who
has shared her eggs with the tribes. I think the
biggest mistake I used to make as a young woman
is kind of bragging about my sexual experience. I thought
(14:53):
it was pretty cool. Guys did not want to hear that.
Even my sweet Julio naff I try to mention people
have dated. He's like, I don't want to hear it.
I have historical jealousy. He said. Today I was returning
something to a friend. I should lend me these sneakers
that were really cute. And so she wasn't home. She said,
go to my balcony, just toss him over top, and
(15:14):
so I did, and then I took a picture where
they landed in a bag of course, and they landed
right on her little chair out on her balcony, and
I said, look, I'm pretty good shot and land it
right on your balcony, and she goes. I guess it
pays off that we dated so many NBA players in
our youth. Huh. Julio did not like that joke. He
did not like that joke. So my point is, follow me,
(15:36):
stay near. I'm going to continue to talk more about
this stuff when we come back. I'm just going to
continue the conversation for a little bit. Guy's closure ears
or listen, maybe there's information you can learn about male
sexual psychology. Let's talk about the five photographs that should
be in every woman's dating profile if they're actually looking
for a long term relationship.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
When we come back, you're listening to Doctor when Walsh
on Demand from KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
I have been doing a lot of research late, because
I think I've mentioned a few times. I am deep
into writing another book. My fourth book. I did like
a pay at word count, because you know, you can
the computer at the end of the document will tell
you how many words and you can add up each
chapter because for me. It's like I got to get
to the end. And the average self help book I
(16:26):
learned is about forty thousand words. Well I'm at thirty
three thousand. I sily got like five chapters left to right,
so it's going to be longer than we thought. But
I keep pulling up interesting science that I want to
share with you guys. And the main thing I want
to talk about right now is how a single woman
because women are complaining all the time. I'm this high
(16:46):
value woman. I deserve a high value man, and how
come I'm not finding them on those apps? Well you're
probably using the apps wrong, and I'll explain. But let's
talk about how commitment oriented men look for women on
a dating app. And I gotta tell you, I'm a researcher.
I do my own kind of market research. Back when
(17:07):
I was single, before ever I joined a new dating app,
I would borrow a guy friend's phone and I would
search for me or women like me, like my age group,
my zip code, whatever. I really wanted to size up
my competition. And let me tell you, I was so
shocked at what I found. Too many women out there
are using short term strategies to achieve long term goals. Now,
(17:31):
I know there are women out there looking for short
term relationships. Cool, enjoy it, enjoy your orgasm, have fun.
But plenty of others are sending some very mixed messages
to men. They post a deck of bathing suit shots,
bird boudoirs, lingerie shots, highly filtered beauty shots, and then
they write in their profile that they're looking for a
(17:52):
long term relationship. Let me tell you, ladies, guys are
so visually wired that they will blow past any words
you may write, if they read them at all, and
go right to the idea of getting in the bedroom
with you. So here, in my opinion, are the five
photos that I think every woman should have in their profile.
And let me also say, don't have more than five.
(18:13):
This is not a photo dump of your entire life.
This is just a little tease to let him know
who you are. Okay, Your main profile photo should be
basically a headshot or as wide as from the waist
up or a little closer chest up, whatever, and it
should be your smiling face. Now, there's research to support this.
(18:33):
Men don't like beauty filters, men don't like too much makeup,
men don't like the duck face. Yes, did you know
they did a research study where they took women in
sort of light pretty everyday makeup and they altered their
pictures using filters to make them look more made up,
and the men preferred the more natural looking women. Right,
So get rid of the Vegas show girl look, the
(18:56):
Instagram glam makeup. And there is research to show that
you should smile. Men don't like that duckface. They actually
swipe right more often on women who have a nice
smiling face. And finally, and there's a ton of research
on this where the color red. It's called the red
effect in science, and basically men are more likely to
(19:20):
associate romance and attraction with people wearing red. Okay, that's
picture number one. Picture number two is your whole body. Now,
when I say your body fully clothed, ladies, fully clothed,
it's a second thing he's seeing on you. Do not
shock him with you in a bathing suitor lingerie or
anything like that. But he wants to see what body
type he's signing up for. And I'm not body shaming here.
(19:41):
I want to say this that there is a guy
for everybody. He is signing up for you, but he
needs to see a full length shot. I remember when
I had my dating app. I think I had my
daughter shoot me. There was sort of an Instagram trend
where you stood in the middle of a road well
when the light was red and it was lee and
she got down low and kind of shot up on me.
(20:03):
So I looked super tall and I was in like
black tight black jeans and boots and a little black
leather jacket, a short one, and it basically showed that
I was tall and thin. And that's my type. I'm
an ecdomorph. What can I say? But I was fully clothed. Okay.
Photo number three is what you do. This is your
chance to show the guy your hobby, your work, anything
you're passionate about. This is not a picture of something
(20:26):
you've done once in a lifetime to show off that
you know you've been to this place or done that.
It's really showing him in your milu. So, whether you
horseback ride, do pilates, cook, read, work in a busy office,
a manufacturing plant, or a trading room floor, establish yourself
in that setting. So if you fly jets, sing karaoke,
(20:50):
teaching a preschool, work in a hospital, whatever it is,
show him in your show you in your life, most
common thing in your life.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
All right?
Speaker 1 (20:59):
Photo number four? Are you writing this down? Yes, a
bathing suit, but I call it this shy bathing suit picture.
Don't flaunt it. Think about these words coy, demure, subtle,
careful and partial. These should be the words in your
head when you're deciding which shot of you in a
bathing suit to put in a profile. No full monte here, ladies,
(21:19):
and also not a selfie in your bathroom mirror. I mean,
if you're in a bathing suit, be where you would beat, like, pool, beach,
whatever like. Be in the right environment. And I want
to say this, if you are over the age of forty, ladies,
I just mean this carefully and gently. You're so valuable.
You got so much going on life, experience, wisdom, your
sense of humor, your intelligence. Everything is great. I wouldn't
(21:42):
put a some sexy bathing suit shot, even if you're
a workout queen. You know why, because when he's swiping,
and he's going to swipe a wide ray age range
of women, because men tend to do that, you're going
to be shown right alongside a twenty five year old
And I'm sorry, no matter how fit you are, ladies,
you're not going to match that, so just don't even
put that out. And you know it looked me really,
(22:07):
I think it can look like you feel insecure or
something right, like you're saying, I hope you think I'm
hot because I have nothing else to offer. Photo number
five is your wild card. Think of this as a
shot of a particular part of your personality or your
lifestyle that's important for him to know about. So if
you're a dog lady, cat lady, this is the time
(22:27):
to bring the pets into the picture. If your mom
put the kids in there, yeah, you can pixelate their faces,
that's fine. I was sitting at in this radio, very
radio station at iHeart and I had I was like
at in my booth with my microphone, figuring he'd figure
out that I do radio. He never, Julio never figured
it out. Guys are so dumb. Because I had a
T shirt, a big sweatshirt on and I had the
(22:50):
words on the sweatshirt I'm not for everyone, showing that
I was choosy, right, And you know what he said
out loud. He read that, and then he said to himself,
she may not be for everyone, but she's for me. Okay,
those are the five photos you should put in your
dating app profile. One little caveat if you are a
(23:12):
high value woman, if you want a high value man.
It's also a good idea. ASA mentioned where red in
your main profile picture, but somewhere in there where white?
Did you know if you dress in all white? There
is research to show that it signals wealth, high status,
and good hygiene. Come on, it's hard to keep whites clean.
(23:35):
So it shows that you know you have someone else
doing your laundry or something, or you have time, or
you're just a neat, tidy person. And it eludes, kind
of exudes luxury. Think of white parties or the Hampton
summer look. No, I don't mean pe Ditty's white parties,
none of that nonsense. Hey, if you want to know
more about this, I'm going to start putting lots of
(23:56):
videos on my social media that give heterosex will women
who want a commitment lots of advice. So follow me
on my social media at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor
Wendy Walsh. And that brings the Doctor Wendy Walsh radio
show to a close. I'm always here for you every
Sunday from seven to nine pm, but you can always
follow me on my social You can also download the
(24:19):
iHeartRadio app, search Doctor Wendy Walsh, hit the preset button
above my name, and anytime you miss any part of
a show, it'll just pop up in your app. So
let's do that. We'll see you next Sunday. You've been
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh, you can always hear us
live on KFI Am six forty from seven to nine
pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio
(24:40):
app
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