October 13, 2025 • 26 mins
Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. PLUS maybe it's better to go to bed angry. Dr. Wendy explains AND what is the perfect age gap? All that and more on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. I am answering your social media questions.
Send me a DM on Instagram that is at doctor
Wendy Walsh. Okay, let's see, Dear Doctor Wendy. My boyfriend
(00:24):
gets so jealous of my male friends and I feel
he's being controlling. I see my male friends less and
less and it's completely innocent. But he was cheated on
in the past. I need him to trust me. How
can we build that. I'll tell you it's so simple.
Bring them along, help him have a bromance with one
(00:45):
of your other bros. Come on, if you are sneaking
off to see your heterosexual male friends, yeah, it's innocent now,
but trust me, they are hanging out with you because
they believe they are a backup mate. Sorry, it's just
the truth. If you don't believe me, go see the
movie When Harry Met Sally. Okay, it's very hard for
(01:07):
heterosexual men and women to be friends without one of
them living with hope, So you should be out there
in the social world with your partner as a team,
So bring him along. It'll be fine. He'll eventually learn
it's okay, or he'll scare some of those guys off. Yeah,
(01:28):
all right, Dear doctor Wendy, my ex cheated on me
with my best friend since ninth grade. Oh so you've
had your best friend since ninth grade. Your ex cheated
on you with this best friend. Ooh, that hurts. They
both lied to me about it for months until I
caught them in the act. In the act at the moment. Ooh, well,
(01:52):
it's painful. My girl and I were together for twelve
years and now she's been with my ex best friend
for seven months. Our friend group stopped inviting me to things.
It's like they chose her. I can't handle losing my
friends and my ex. What's the best way to go
about this? All right? First of all, I'm so sorry
(02:16):
this happened to you. I am so sorry that you
are experiencing what many young men, older men feel after
a breakup. Women tend to take the social capital with them,
and you know, back when I was on dating apps
before I met my husband, I would meet these men
that I used to call the lone wolf men because
(02:37):
they didn't seem to have many friends. They were just
put out into the wilderness in exile after their divorce,
because the women tend to bring the social capital with
them when they move along. But it sounds like some
of these friends in your friend group are important to you.
So I'm going to say this. You need to divide
and conquer. You need to pick the low hanging fruit first.
(03:01):
Think of one person who you think will be nicest
and most open and do stuff with him. Invite him
to things, get tickets of things, whatever. Just divide and conquer.
That's what you need to. Just pick them off, one
at a time and pull them out. And I also
want to encourage you to make new friends, volunteer, join
a group, join a club, do something. But I don't
(03:24):
want you to feel isolated. I'm so sorry this happened
to you, but obviously it's for a reason. It's time
for you to grow. And oh, my heart, I just
wouldn't give a hug. I do. But you got this, okay,
I know you do, all right? Moving on, Dear doctor Wendy,
my boyfriend of three months is not interested in my
(03:44):
hobbies like yoga and reiki. For me, it's part of
who I am, not just a hobby. Can we work
with this difference? He won't join me even when I
beg okay, I don't know how to say that, but
it's not his job to be your compatriot and everything now.
(04:06):
In a healthy relationship, people do take turns like, Okay,
I'm not a huge sports fan, but if my Julio
asked me to go to baseball game, I would be
on it because I know it's so important to him.
But he doesn't ask me to go every week. He knows, right,
not necessarily my favorite thing. On the other hand, there
are certain movies or things that I want to watch
(04:28):
and it's totally not his thing. And every once in
a while he'll go, oh, oh, all right, I'll go right.
But it sounds like in only three months you are
looking to create a male version of you. But the
thing that probably attracted you to him and each other
is probably your differences. It's a funny thing about love.
(04:49):
We get attracted to somebody who's the opposite or the
other half of us, who's very different. Introverts love extroverts.
Extroverts love introverts, and then once they get into relationship,
they try to change the person to be more like
they are, which is going to lead to an implosion
or boredom. Okay, so I just want to say you'll
(05:09):
be you and he'll be him. But if after three
months you feel you don't have much in common, you
haven't lost a whole lot. You can move on. If
you want a real yogi guy, why'd you pick a
guy that's not a Yogi guy? Then that's what I
want to know. Don't try to change him. Just ask
yourself about your choices. Okay, next, Hi, doctor Wendy, is
(05:32):
six months too soon to abandon your future dreams and
begin to create a family. I'm so in love I
no longer care about my career. This is a female
by the way. Please just wait, wait a little bit,
please please please be one calendar year. Please wait one
calendar year, and maybe you can find a balance. Right,
(05:52):
It's not like I'm just gonna quit my job, move
across the other side of the country, get pregnant. You'll
be shocked at what you will miss. I would say,
baby steps, take your time. Yes, six months is too soon,
if that's what you wanted to hear, Yes, six months
is too soon. I like to see couples together for
a calendar year, go through a few seasons. I mean,
(06:13):
if you even met his family, has his family met?
You come on slow the role because those neurow hormones
of love are so delicious and you've got them going
on right now? All right, dear doctor Wendy, moving on here.
My girlfriend just had our first child. I trust her,
(06:34):
but I have a close friend who found out his
son in quotation marks the word son wasn't his. What's
the most respectful way to ask her for a paternity test?
That's a really tough one, Okay, So I want to
(06:56):
say this. You're afraid of cuckolding. It is the main
since the history of the beginning of the human species,
right because women have concealed fertility. You don't know who
gained access to her eggs besides you. And even though
you trust her and you think you have a secure relationship,
now you're frazzled because of your what happened to your friend? Uh?
(07:19):
I think the conversation should well. Either you do the
paternity test in secret, which is a simple blood test.
I'll take the baby for their shots, honey, no problem.
While you're there, Can you take some blood?
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (07:31):
You could do that, or you could simply say I
am so rattled by what happened to my close friend
when that baby wasn't his. And I trust you completely
and I know our baby is ours, but I am
just got this anxiety attack because of that. Can you
(07:53):
help me call my anxiety? Can we go get a
paternity test that you know I can devote myself. I'll
use that word devote myself to you and our child
and just wipe this crazy notion out of my head.
I think that's how you should word it. I think
that would be It would work. I think it would
absolutely work. All right, when we come back. Have you
(08:17):
ever heard the saying never go to bed angry, Well,
I've got some research on that. When we come back,
you're listening to the Doctor Wendy wall Show.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
You know, my husband, Julio and I don't argue very often,
and the couple times that we've had arguments, we both
needed a little break. He would take off on his motorcycle.
Not good, not good. He needs to just walk and
I would go out for a walk. Is what would happen.
But we take a little break, we take a few
(08:57):
deep breaths, we come back together, and then all of
a sudden, things are kind of okay again. We're able
or have peace of mind, We're able to talk it out.
I don't think we've ever had an argument at night,
but if we did, I know the doctor and me
the doctor, Wendy Walsh, would somehow find it in herself
(09:19):
to say to him, we need to go to sleep
and we need to talk about this in the morning. Now,
there are a lot of people who believe that you
should not go to sleep until you've resolved everything right.
People believe we all need to get it solved before
you can go to sleep. And they believe this because
(09:41):
they heard this myth that probably was said in one
of the speeches at their weddings. You know, my best
advice to you, says the old drunk uncle is never
go to bed angry. Okay, so they believe that myth
don't go to bed angry or maybe in the evening
is one of the few times that they have their
partner's full attention. Right, the kids may be in bed,
(10:03):
there's no work calls coming in. It's time to deal
with this issue. Okay. We got to fight about this now,
or maybe they believe it's got to be resolved before
sleep because they're worried they're not going to be able
to sleep, Like, if we don't resolve this thing, I
am going to get a bad night's sleep. Worrying about it.
What they're going to say when actually you need to
(10:25):
just get a good night's sleep. Now. Some people have
an anxious attachment style and they're afraid, like if they
go to sleep, their partner literally might abandoned them during
the night, or in their sleep might think, you know what,
it's time for a breakup. Right, So they feel like
they need to come to some closure before sleep takes
them over. But here's the reality, and this is where
(10:46):
it's based in science. In the evening, people are fatigued,
and fatigue is highly associated with terrible conflict resolution skills. Right.
There was one recent experimental study that tested two groups
of couples. One group was put into a kind of
(11:07):
sleep depor deprivation. They were getting you know, not eight
hours every night for a period of time, they were
getting there, five, six, whatever, and then the other group
was given a full night's sleep. Each group separately was
induced with a high conflict subject and they were asked
(11:28):
to talk about it. Well, surprise, surprise, not surprised. The
sleep deprived couples showed higher level of conflict right, lower
emotional recognition accuracy. In other words, the person who's monitoring says,
what are you feeling right now? I'm just really mad
because it's her fault, it's his fault, right, instead of
(11:50):
I'm feeling really scared or abandoned because this topic is
hard for me. No, it's they're just they're not able
to recognize their own feelings, which having insight is very important,
especially during an argument. But here's the interesting thing. Those
that were over tired actually had the worst post discussion attitude, right,
(12:12):
so they couldn't even get it together later when the
researchers were saying, okay, so we're past that now, let's
take a few minutes and how a you're feeling now?
It was hard, Okay, So if you're tired, that's going
to happen. Another thing that could be happening if you're
fighting at night, sad to say is alcohol or drugs
might be involved. And there's enough research to show that
(12:36):
alcohol lowers inhibition and it amplifies anger. I'm going to
say something unscientific right now though, because I've just noticed
in my life it depends on the alcohol. They say
that's not true, They say all alcohol is alcohol, But
I don't know. Tequila makes me happy, it makes me dance,
and vodka makes me mad. Just say it. This is
my personal experience. There's no science to it, just saying it.
(12:59):
But if somebody already has poor emotional regulation skills, alcohol
just puts gasoline on the fire right now. There was
one longitudinal study that was published in the Journal of
Family Psychology, and they found that when either partner drank
regularly or heavily, the couple tended to in general have
(13:21):
more verbal and physical aggression right compared with couples where
neither person drank heavily. This is an interesting thing. There
was a study done in twenty fourteen out of the
University of Michigan and they found that when one partner
was a little drunk and the other was sober, conflicts
(13:42):
tended to escalate faster and resolve more poorly. You would
think that if one person was in a good state
of mind, was straight in their head, that things would
be okay. But no, no, no, no, no. What they
found if one person was drunk and the other wasn't impaired,
emotional regulation increased misinterpretation of what each other is saying, and,
(14:06):
of course, for the alcohol, reduced self control. So bottom line,
if you're tired or you're drunk, you're more likely to
say things you'll regret. So why stay up and fight
when there's so much good that can happen to your
brain with a good night's sleep. Right, we know that
(14:26):
getting a good night's sleep, even when you're angry, creates
a pause, gives you a chance to recover, right, gives
you a chance to re engage later constructively. In fact,
research shows that if you can get into a deep
enough sleep and go into rem rapid eye movement, that
dream heavy stage, the brain actually reactivates emotional memories and
(14:50):
decouples them from stress hormones that we're active during the fight.
So when you go to sleep, your brain actually works
through stuff without all the stress hormones. Isn't that cool?
I know? Also, when you're really tired, the amygdala, okay,
the amygdala is like the fear center of the brain, like,
oh my god, danger, danger, Right, So when you're tired,
(15:11):
it becomes hyperactive and your prefrontal cortex. That's the area
of the front of your brain that calms you down
for reasoning is logic. It's good for reasoning and emotional regulation.
When you're tired, it's underactive. So after a good night's sleep,
both of these areas of the brain calm down. They
resynchronize right, so you'll have less impulse control, you'll have
(15:35):
more empathy, and most important, more perspective taking. So in review,
if you're in a fight, go to sleep, because after
a restorative sleep, your emotional intensity softens. Everything calms down,
Your threat detection calms down. You don't feel like this
(15:56):
is such a drama. Right, Your reasoning and empathy rebound.
You do better, Your stress hormones calm down, and your
motivation to reconnect increases. That's why sleeping on it is
a really good idea. Now I'm gonna add something else.
I didn't find this in the science, but if I
look deep enough, I probably would be able to find it.
(16:18):
One of the things I know is that when I
sleep with my secure attachment figure, isn't that romantic? My
sweet husband, Julio my secure attachment figure Because we're the
type of couple that touches all night. We wrap our
legs around each other and everything. We don't get too
hot because one of us is cold, one is hot.
(16:40):
We warm each other up at different times whatever. And
I really think our bodies talk like it's transferring dopamine
from the skin to skin touch thing, and that's why
we wake up calmer and happier. Just saying, so, go
to bed mad. That's I'm gonna say, go to bed mad.
Hey when we come back, are you dating some and
much older than you or much younger than you? Well,
(17:05):
there's a new study trying to determine who's happier, the
older person or the younger person, and the results might
surprise you. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show
and KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
This is the home stretch of our show. Some people
have been sending me messages on Instagram saying, hey, what's
happened to your last segment? You know, I just do
what they tell me to do here and every once
in a while they have great specials for us and
they take another segment. So this is one of those.
But here's the thing. You can always download the iHeartRadio app.
(17:46):
I know I've said it before many times. You search
in the search bar doctor Wendy Walsh. You'll see my picture.
I think my nephew took that picture, and then you'll
see a little button called pre set pr E s
E two preset above that you click that if you
ever miss any part of any show, you'll be able
to get it every time you open the app. In
(18:08):
that cool So you should do that right now. Go
to the iHeartRadio app, search for doctor Wendy Walsh and
then preset button. But I'm always here for you on
at seven pm every Sunday night, and in addition, all
week long, I post videos every single day on my
social media, so whether it's Instagram or TikTok, hope we're
(18:30):
all back there and you're not watching a criminal. It's
a long story. Anyway, You're welcome. I wanted to close
the show with a topic that comes up all the
time for me. It's one of the most common questions
people ask me. Reporters call and ask me to comment
on this for various publications, and it has to do
(18:52):
with age gap relationships. The reason why I bring it
up again is because I came across a new study
this week that my surprise, a few people, and the
study was trying to answer the question who's happier the
older person in the age gap relationship or the younger person? Like,
are there benefits both ways? Before I tell you about
the study and what the answer is, though, I do
(19:14):
want to say that I've always said this that the
older person has all the power. They usually have the money,
they usually have the social capital, but more than anything,
they have the wisdom and life experience. Right, And so
whoever has the most power I would think would be
(19:35):
the happiest in a relationship. The data actually doesn't prove
me one hundred percent true, with a caveat i'll explain
in a second. And the other question people ask me
about age gap relationships are what are the biggest conflicts?
What are the biggest challenges? You know, there are none,
except if one partner or the other is in the
reproductive years and wants to reproduce. I mean, we're put
(19:59):
on the planet to reproduce, and this urge is often
you know, imminent, it's important. For many people, it's urgent,
and so if they are the younger person and the
older person already has had a family or has gotten
through those reproductive years and went not for me, then
(20:19):
you're gonna have conflict, right. I remember years ago talking
to a woman who was turning forty and she was
with a husband just a little bit older than her,
and he clearly did not want kids or whatever. So
here at her fortieth birthday party, I was there wishing
her a happy birthday, blah blah blah, and I remember
her saying, I said, what's the hardest part of a
(20:40):
turning forty? And she said, realizing that I'm only going
to have him, that I'm not going to have kids,
and that I made this decision to be with him,
and so that's what I have to do. So she
seemed almost sad. It almost felt like her birthday party
was her closing a window on her reproductive opportunity, all right.
(21:03):
To the study. This study was led by it's a
research team led by a woman named Samantha Banbury. I
bet she says her name Samantha Banberry of the Psychology
department at London Metropolitan University. So they used data from
one hundred and twenty six volunteers now that's a fairly
(21:23):
large study, but I like to see thousands. But okay,
all the volunteers were in a relationship where the age
gap was at least seven years. Okay, So the sample
did include younger people who were dating older partners and
older people not necessarily their partners, but older people who
are dating younger partners. And they had to fill out
(21:43):
a bunch of questionnaires and about their relationship. And so
here's what the data says about who's happier. I don't
think there's going to be any surprise when I tell
you this one. When it comes to sexual satisfaction, who
things happier the younger person or the older person. Of course,
(22:03):
is the older person. The older person's happy, they're so
lucky they're with the younger person. So the researchers found
that in both heterosexual and homosexual men and heterosexual women
were significantly happier when they had a younger partner. So
the older partners were happier. If it's a same sex relationship,
(22:26):
they're more likely to be happy. If it was a
woman with a young man, she's happy too. Okay, all
good there. But the other piece was on financial security,
and what they found is that younger men and younger
women who were with male older partners. So younger women
(22:47):
who dated older men were happier, and younger men who
dated older men, they showed a significant increase in happiness. Right,
because these younger people are with that pas person, right,
the person who is perceived to have financial stability. Uh,
so they're happy. They're like, Okay, my sex life is
(23:08):
not so great getting the money. Now here's an interesting thing.
It was not found when younger men were dating older
women or when younger women were dating older women. Now
let's just stop and think about that for a minute.
So the financial security thing didn't matter if a young guy,
(23:30):
I mean, they weren't happy if a young guy was
dating a cougar, if a young woman was dating an
older woman. And you know why, it is because the
aged not the wage disparity. So older women aren't as
financially secure as older men. That's just a given. We're
only making seventy seven cents on your dollar, and then
we have to take a huge chunk out of a
(23:52):
time out of the market to raise kids, many of us.
So yeah, I get that, I get it. But basically
the result of this study showed that overwhelmingly, the older
partner is always happiest. As I predicted, right, whoever is
the most power is happiest, and this was especially true
for men. I want to say that there was one
(24:12):
little caveat that I thought was really interesting. The researchers
found no effect in women, which meant that women, I
love us, girls can be equally satisfied in a relationship
with a significantly younger person or a significantly older person.
Unlike men, men like to be the older dude. Interestingly enough, see,
(24:37):
women are more adaptable, we're more flexible. We're just happy people.
That's what I like to think anyway. The only other
sometimes issue when it comes to these age gap relationships,
besides reproduction, which is a huge one, is you know,
social perception and also energy levels. Honestly, like when I
(24:58):
met Julio, he said he only search for women around
his age because he was just like, I don't want
to go out to nightclubs again. I'm tired. I don't
want to have to run around and do all that
and keep up with a young person. So that is
one of the problems, is differing lifestyles, differing energy levels,
et cetera. Social perception, Look, if you live in Los Angeles,
(25:21):
anything goes right. I remember when I first moved to
LA and I was an entertainment reporter doing a lot
of red carpet stuff, and I would always say to
my camera operator, Hey, aw, isn't that sweet that older
actor brought his daughter to the awards ceremony. And he'd
be like, no, no, no, it's not the daughter. No,
it's not the daughter. It's La, that's the girlfriend. Oh
(25:42):
I see. Anyway, on that note, we're gonna wrap up.
It's always a pleasure to be here every Sunday at
seven pm. Set your clocks. If you miss any part
of the show. You know what I said, download the
iHeartRadio app listen to it anytime during the week. Also,
make sure you follow me on my social The handle
is at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
(26:04):
But is always my pleasure to be with you here.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. I am answering your social media questions.
Send me a DM on Instagram that is at doctor
Wendy Walsh. Okay, let's see, Dear Doctor Wendy. My boyfriend
(00:24):
gets so jealous of my male friends and I feel
he's being controlling. I see my male friends less and
less and it's completely innocent. But he was cheated on
in the past. I need him to trust me. How
can we build that. I'll tell you it's so simple.
Bring them along, help him have a bromance with one
(00:45):
of your other bros. Come on, if you are sneaking
off to see your heterosexual male friends, yeah, it's innocent now,
but trust me, they are hanging out with you because
they believe they are a backup mate. Sorry, it's just
the truth. If you don't believe me, go see the
movie When Harry Met Sally. Okay, it's very hard for
(01:07):
heterosexual men and women to be friends without one of
them living with hope, So you should be out there
in the social world with your partner as a team,
So bring him along. It'll be fine. He'll eventually learn
it's okay, or he'll scare some of those guys off. Yeah,
(01:28):
all right, Dear doctor Wendy, my ex cheated on me
with my best friend since ninth grade. Oh so you've
had your best friend since ninth grade. Your ex cheated
on you with this best friend. Ooh, that hurts. They
both lied to me about it for months until I
caught them in the act. In the act at the moment. Ooh, well,
(01:52):
it's painful. My girl and I were together for twelve
years and now she's been with my ex best friend
for seven months. Our friend group stopped inviting me to things.
It's like they chose her. I can't handle losing my
friends and my ex. What's the best way to go
about this? All right? First of all, I'm so sorry
(02:16):
this happened to you. I am so sorry that you
are experiencing what many young men, older men feel after
a breakup. Women tend to take the social capital with them,
and you know, back when I was on dating apps
before I met my husband, I would meet these men
that I used to call the lone wolf men because
(02:37):
they didn't seem to have many friends. They were just
put out into the wilderness in exile after their divorce,
because the women tend to bring the social capital with
them when they move along. But it sounds like some
of these friends in your friend group are important to you.
So I'm going to say this. You need to divide
and conquer. You need to pick the low hanging fruit first.
(03:01):
Think of one person who you think will be nicest
and most open and do stuff with him. Invite him
to things, get tickets of things, whatever. Just divide and conquer.
That's what you need to. Just pick them off, one
at a time and pull them out. And I also
want to encourage you to make new friends, volunteer, join
a group, join a club, do something. But I don't
(03:24):
want you to feel isolated. I'm so sorry this happened
to you, but obviously it's for a reason. It's time
for you to grow. And oh, my heart, I just
wouldn't give a hug. I do. But you got this, okay,
I know you do, all right? Moving on, Dear doctor Wendy,
my boyfriend of three months is not interested in my
(03:44):
hobbies like yoga and reiki. For me, it's part of
who I am, not just a hobby. Can we work
with this difference? He won't join me even when I
beg okay, I don't know how to say that, but
it's not his job to be your compatriot and everything now.
(04:06):
In a healthy relationship, people do take turns like, Okay,
I'm not a huge sports fan, but if my Julio
asked me to go to baseball game, I would be
on it because I know it's so important to him.
But he doesn't ask me to go every week. He knows, right,
not necessarily my favorite thing. On the other hand, there
are certain movies or things that I want to watch
(04:28):
and it's totally not his thing. And every once in
a while he'll go, oh, oh, all right, I'll go right.
But it sounds like in only three months you are
looking to create a male version of you. But the
thing that probably attracted you to him and each other
is probably your differences. It's a funny thing about love.
(04:49):
We get attracted to somebody who's the opposite or the
other half of us, who's very different. Introverts love extroverts.
Extroverts love introverts, and then once they get into relationship,
they try to change the person to be more like
they are, which is going to lead to an implosion
or boredom. Okay, so I just want to say you'll
(05:09):
be you and he'll be him. But if after three
months you feel you don't have much in common, you
haven't lost a whole lot. You can move on. If
you want a real yogi guy, why'd you pick a
guy that's not a Yogi guy? Then that's what I
want to know. Don't try to change him. Just ask
yourself about your choices. Okay, next, Hi, doctor Wendy, is
(05:32):
six months too soon to abandon your future dreams and
begin to create a family. I'm so in love I
no longer care about my career. This is a female
by the way. Please just wait, wait a little bit,
please please please be one calendar year. Please wait one
calendar year, and maybe you can find a balance. Right,
(05:52):
It's not like I'm just gonna quit my job, move
across the other side of the country, get pregnant. You'll
be shocked at what you will miss. I would say,
baby steps, take your time. Yes, six months is too soon,
if that's what you wanted to hear, Yes, six months
is too soon. I like to see couples together for
a calendar year, go through a few seasons. I mean,
(06:13):
if you even met his family, has his family met?
You come on slow the role because those neurow hormones
of love are so delicious and you've got them going
on right now? All right, dear doctor Wendy, moving on here.
My girlfriend just had our first child. I trust her,
(06:34):
but I have a close friend who found out his
son in quotation marks the word son wasn't his. What's
the most respectful way to ask her for a paternity test?
That's a really tough one, Okay, So I want to
(06:56):
say this. You're afraid of cuckolding. It is the main
since the history of the beginning of the human species,
right because women have concealed fertility. You don't know who
gained access to her eggs besides you. And even though
you trust her and you think you have a secure relationship,
now you're frazzled because of your what happened to your friend? Uh?
(07:19):
I think the conversation should well. Either you do the
paternity test in secret, which is a simple blood test.
I'll take the baby for their shots, honey, no problem.
While you're there, Can you take some blood?
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (07:31):
You could do that, or you could simply say I
am so rattled by what happened to my close friend
when that baby wasn't his. And I trust you completely
and I know our baby is ours, but I am
just got this anxiety attack because of that. Can you
(07:53):
help me call my anxiety? Can we go get a
paternity test that you know I can devote myself. I'll
use that word devote myself to you and our child
and just wipe this crazy notion out of my head.
I think that's how you should word it. I think
that would be It would work. I think it would
absolutely work. All right, when we come back. Have you
(08:17):
ever heard the saying never go to bed angry, Well,
I've got some research on that. When we come back,
you're listening to the Doctor Wendy wall Show.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
You know, my husband, Julio and I don't argue very often,
and the couple times that we've had arguments, we both
needed a little break. He would take off on his motorcycle.
Not good, not good. He needs to just walk and
I would go out for a walk. Is what would happen.
But we take a little break, we take a few
(08:57):
deep breaths, we come back together, and then all of
a sudden, things are kind of okay again. We're able
or have peace of mind, We're able to talk it out.
I don't think we've ever had an argument at night,
but if we did, I know the doctor and me
the doctor, Wendy Walsh, would somehow find it in herself
(09:19):
to say to him, we need to go to sleep
and we need to talk about this in the morning. Now,
there are a lot of people who believe that you
should not go to sleep until you've resolved everything right.
People believe we all need to get it solved before
you can go to sleep. And they believe this because
(09:41):
they heard this myth that probably was said in one
of the speeches at their weddings. You know, my best
advice to you, says the old drunk uncle is never
go to bed angry. Okay, so they believe that myth
don't go to bed angry or maybe in the evening
is one of the few times that they have their
partner's full attention. Right, the kids may be in bed,
(10:03):
there's no work calls coming in. It's time to deal
with this issue. Okay. We got to fight about this now,
or maybe they believe it's got to be resolved before
sleep because they're worried they're not going to be able
to sleep, Like, if we don't resolve this thing, I
am going to get a bad night's sleep. Worrying about it.
What they're going to say when actually you need to
(10:25):
just get a good night's sleep. Now. Some people have
an anxious attachment style and they're afraid, like if they
go to sleep, their partner literally might abandoned them during
the night, or in their sleep might think, you know what,
it's time for a breakup. Right, So they feel like
they need to come to some closure before sleep takes
them over. But here's the reality, and this is where
(10:46):
it's based in science. In the evening, people are fatigued,
and fatigue is highly associated with terrible conflict resolution skills. Right.
There was one recent experimental study that tested two groups
of couples. One group was put into a kind of
(11:07):
sleep depor deprivation. They were getting you know, not eight
hours every night for a period of time, they were
getting there, five, six, whatever, and then the other group
was given a full night's sleep. Each group separately was
induced with a high conflict subject and they were asked
(11:28):
to talk about it. Well, surprise, surprise, not surprised. The
sleep deprived couples showed higher level of conflict right, lower
emotional recognition accuracy. In other words, the person who's monitoring says,
what are you feeling right now? I'm just really mad
because it's her fault, it's his fault, right, instead of
(11:50):
I'm feeling really scared or abandoned because this topic is
hard for me. No, it's they're just they're not able
to recognize their own feelings, which having insight is very important,
especially during an argument. But here's the interesting thing. Those
that were over tired actually had the worst post discussion attitude, right,
(12:12):
so they couldn't even get it together later when the
researchers were saying, okay, so we're past that now, let's
take a few minutes and how a you're feeling now?
It was hard, Okay, So if you're tired, that's going
to happen. Another thing that could be happening if you're
fighting at night, sad to say is alcohol or drugs
might be involved. And there's enough research to show that
(12:36):
alcohol lowers inhibition and it amplifies anger. I'm going to
say something unscientific right now though, because I've just noticed
in my life it depends on the alcohol. They say
that's not true, They say all alcohol is alcohol, But
I don't know. Tequila makes me happy, it makes me dance,
and vodka makes me mad. Just say it. This is
my personal experience. There's no science to it, just saying it.
(12:59):
But if somebody already has poor emotional regulation skills, alcohol
just puts gasoline on the fire right now. There was
one longitudinal study that was published in the Journal of
Family Psychology, and they found that when either partner drank
regularly or heavily, the couple tended to in general have
(13:21):
more verbal and physical aggression right compared with couples where
neither person drank heavily. This is an interesting thing. There
was a study done in twenty fourteen out of the
University of Michigan and they found that when one partner
was a little drunk and the other was sober, conflicts
(13:42):
tended to escalate faster and resolve more poorly. You would
think that if one person was in a good state
of mind, was straight in their head, that things would
be okay. But no, no, no, no, no. What they
found if one person was drunk and the other wasn't impaired,
emotional regulation increased misinterpretation of what each other is saying, and,
(14:06):
of course, for the alcohol, reduced self control. So bottom line,
if you're tired or you're drunk, you're more likely to
say things you'll regret. So why stay up and fight
when there's so much good that can happen to your
brain with a good night's sleep. Right, we know that
(14:26):
getting a good night's sleep, even when you're angry, creates
a pause, gives you a chance to recover, right, gives
you a chance to re engage later constructively. In fact,
research shows that if you can get into a deep
enough sleep and go into rem rapid eye movement, that
dream heavy stage, the brain actually reactivates emotional memories and
(14:50):
decouples them from stress hormones that we're active during the fight.
So when you go to sleep, your brain actually works
through stuff without all the stress hormones. Isn't that cool?
I know? Also, when you're really tired, the amygdala, okay,
the amygdala is like the fear center of the brain, like,
oh my god, danger, danger, Right, So when you're tired,
(15:11):
it becomes hyperactive and your prefrontal cortex. That's the area
of the front of your brain that calms you down
for reasoning is logic. It's good for reasoning and emotional regulation.
When you're tired, it's underactive. So after a good night's sleep,
both of these areas of the brain calm down. They
resynchronize right, so you'll have less impulse control, you'll have
(15:35):
more empathy, and most important, more perspective taking. So in review,
if you're in a fight, go to sleep, because after
a restorative sleep, your emotional intensity softens. Everything calms down,
Your threat detection calms down. You don't feel like this
(15:56):
is such a drama. Right, Your reasoning and empathy rebound.
You do better, Your stress hormones calm down, and your
motivation to reconnect increases. That's why sleeping on it is
a really good idea. Now I'm gonna add something else.
I didn't find this in the science, but if I
look deep enough, I probably would be able to find it.
(16:18):
One of the things I know is that when I
sleep with my secure attachment figure, isn't that romantic? My
sweet husband, Julio my secure attachment figure Because we're the
type of couple that touches all night. We wrap our
legs around each other and everything. We don't get too
hot because one of us is cold, one is hot.
(16:40):
We warm each other up at different times whatever. And
I really think our bodies talk like it's transferring dopamine
from the skin to skin touch thing, and that's why
we wake up calmer and happier. Just saying, so, go
to bed mad. That's I'm gonna say, go to bed mad.
Hey when we come back, are you dating some and
much older than you or much younger than you? Well,
(17:05):
there's a new study trying to determine who's happier, the
older person or the younger person, and the results might
surprise you. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show
and KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
This is the home stretch of our show. Some people
have been sending me messages on Instagram saying, hey, what's
happened to your last segment? You know, I just do
what they tell me to do here and every once
in a while they have great specials for us and
they take another segment. So this is one of those.
But here's the thing. You can always download the iHeartRadio app.
(17:46):
I know I've said it before many times. You search
in the search bar doctor Wendy Walsh. You'll see my picture.
I think my nephew took that picture, and then you'll
see a little button called pre set pr E s
E two preset above that you click that if you
ever miss any part of any show, you'll be able
to get it every time you open the app. In
(18:08):
that cool So you should do that right now. Go
to the iHeartRadio app, search for doctor Wendy Walsh and
then preset button. But I'm always here for you on
at seven pm every Sunday night, and in addition, all
week long, I post videos every single day on my
social media, so whether it's Instagram or TikTok, hope we're
(18:30):
all back there and you're not watching a criminal. It's
a long story. Anyway, You're welcome. I wanted to close
the show with a topic that comes up all the
time for me. It's one of the most common questions
people ask me. Reporters call and ask me to comment
on this for various publications, and it has to do
(18:52):
with age gap relationships. The reason why I bring it
up again is because I came across a new study
this week that my surprise, a few people, and the
study was trying to answer the question who's happier the
older person in the age gap relationship or the younger person? Like,
are there benefits both ways? Before I tell you about
the study and what the answer is, though, I do
(19:14):
want to say that I've always said this that the
older person has all the power. They usually have the money,
they usually have the social capital, but more than anything,
they have the wisdom and life experience. Right, And so
whoever has the most power I would think would be
(19:35):
the happiest in a relationship. The data actually doesn't prove
me one hundred percent true, with a caveat i'll explain
in a second. And the other question people ask me
about age gap relationships are what are the biggest conflicts?
What are the biggest challenges? You know, there are none,
except if one partner or the other is in the
reproductive years and wants to reproduce. I mean, we're put
(19:59):
on the planet to reproduce, and this urge is often
you know, imminent, it's important. For many people, it's urgent,
and so if they are the younger person and the
older person already has had a family or has gotten
through those reproductive years and went not for me, then
(20:19):
you're gonna have conflict, right. I remember years ago talking
to a woman who was turning forty and she was
with a husband just a little bit older than her,
and he clearly did not want kids or whatever. So
here at her fortieth birthday party, I was there wishing
her a happy birthday, blah blah blah, and I remember
her saying, I said, what's the hardest part of a
(20:40):
turning forty? And she said, realizing that I'm only going
to have him, that I'm not going to have kids,
and that I made this decision to be with him,
and so that's what I have to do. So she
seemed almost sad. It almost felt like her birthday party
was her closing a window on her reproductive opportunity, all right.
(21:03):
To the study. This study was led by it's a
research team led by a woman named Samantha Banbury. I
bet she says her name Samantha Banberry of the Psychology
department at London Metropolitan University. So they used data from
one hundred and twenty six volunteers now that's a fairly
(21:23):
large study, but I like to see thousands. But okay,
all the volunteers were in a relationship where the age
gap was at least seven years. Okay, So the sample
did include younger people who were dating older partners and
older people not necessarily their partners, but older people who
are dating younger partners. And they had to fill out
(21:43):
a bunch of questionnaires and about their relationship. And so
here's what the data says about who's happier. I don't
think there's going to be any surprise when I tell
you this one. When it comes to sexual satisfaction, who
things happier the younger person or the older person. Of course,
(22:03):
is the older person. The older person's happy, they're so
lucky they're with the younger person. So the researchers found
that in both heterosexual and homosexual men and heterosexual women
were significantly happier when they had a younger partner. So
the older partners were happier. If it's a same sex relationship,
(22:26):
they're more likely to be happy. If it was a
woman with a young man, she's happy too. Okay, all
good there. But the other piece was on financial security,
and what they found is that younger men and younger
women who were with male older partners. So younger women
(22:47):
who dated older men were happier, and younger men who
dated older men, they showed a significant increase in happiness. Right,
because these younger people are with that pas person, right,
the person who is perceived to have financial stability. Uh,
so they're happy. They're like, Okay, my sex life is
(23:08):
not so great getting the money. Now here's an interesting thing.
It was not found when younger men were dating older
women or when younger women were dating older women. Now
let's just stop and think about that for a minute.
So the financial security thing didn't matter if a young guy,
(23:30):
I mean, they weren't happy if a young guy was
dating a cougar, if a young woman was dating an
older woman. And you know why, it is because the
aged not the wage disparity. So older women aren't as
financially secure as older men. That's just a given. We're
only making seventy seven cents on your dollar, and then
we have to take a huge chunk out of a
(23:52):
time out of the market to raise kids, many of us.
So yeah, I get that, I get it. But basically
the result of this study showed that overwhelmingly, the older
partner is always happiest. As I predicted, right, whoever is
the most power is happiest, and this was especially true
for men. I want to say that there was one
(24:12):
little caveat that I thought was really interesting. The researchers
found no effect in women, which meant that women, I
love us, girls can be equally satisfied in a relationship
with a significantly younger person or a significantly older person.
Unlike men, men like to be the older dude. Interestingly enough, see,
(24:37):
women are more adaptable, we're more flexible. We're just happy people.
That's what I like to think anyway. The only other
sometimes issue when it comes to these age gap relationships,
besides reproduction, which is a huge one, is you know,
social perception and also energy levels. Honestly, like when I
(24:58):
met Julio, he said he only search for women around
his age because he was just like, I don't want
to go out to nightclubs again. I'm tired. I don't
want to have to run around and do all that
and keep up with a young person. So that is
one of the problems, is differing lifestyles, differing energy levels,
et cetera. Social perception, Look, if you live in Los Angeles,
(25:21):
anything goes right. I remember when I first moved to
LA and I was an entertainment reporter doing a lot
of red carpet stuff, and I would always say to
my camera operator, Hey, aw, isn't that sweet that older
actor brought his daughter to the awards ceremony. And he'd
be like, no, no, no, it's not the daughter. No,
it's not the daughter. It's La, that's the girlfriend. Oh
(25:42):
I see. Anyway, on that note, we're gonna wrap up.
It's always a pleasure to be here every Sunday at
seven pm. Set your clocks. If you miss any part
of the show. You know what I said, download the
iHeartRadio app listen to it anytime during the week. Also,
make sure you follow me on my social The handle
is at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
(26:04):
But is always my pleasure to be with you here.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
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