October 13, 2025 • 26 mins
Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. PLUS maybe it's better to go to bed angry. Dr. Wendy explains AND what is the perfect age gap? All that and more on KFIAM-640!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. I am answering your social media questions.
Send me a DM on Instagram that is at doctor
Wendy Walsh. Okay, let's see, Dear Doctor Wendy. My boyfriend
(00:24):
gets so jealous of my male friends and I feel
he's being controlling. I see my male friends less and
less and it's completely innocent. But he was cheated on
in the past. I need him to trust me. How
can we build that. I'll tell you it's so simple.
Bring them along, help him have a bromance with one
(00:45):
of your other bros. Come on, if you are sneaking
off to see your heterosexual male friends, yeah, it's innocent now,
but trust me, they are hanging out with you because
they believe they are a backup mate. Sorry, it's just
the truth. If you don't believe me, go see the
movie When Harry Met Sally. Okay, it's very hard for
(01:07):
heterosexual men and women to be friends without one of
them living with hope, So you should be out there
in the social world with your partner as a team,
So bring him along. It'll be fine. He'll eventually learn
it's okay, or he'll scare some of those guys off. Yeah,
(01:28):
all right, Dear doctor Wendy, my ex cheated on me
with my best friend since ninth grade. Oh so you've
had your best friend since ninth grade. Your ex cheated
on you with this best friend. Ooh, that hurts. They
both lied to me about it for months until I
caught them in the act. In the act at the moment.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Ooh, well, it's painful.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
My girl and I were together for twelve years and
now she's been with my ex best friend for seven months.
Our friend group stopped inviting me to things. It's like
they chose her. I can't handle losing my friends and
my ex. What's the best way to go about this?
All right? First of all, I'm so sorry this happened
(02:16):
to you. I am so sorry that you are experiencing
what many young men, older men feel after a breakup.
Women tend to take the social capital with them, and
you know, back when I was on dating apps before
I met my husband, I would meet these men that
I used to call the lone wolf men because they
(02:37):
didn't seem to have many friends. They were just put
out into the wilderness in exile after their divorce, because
the women tend to bring the social capital with them
when they move along. But it sounds like some of
these friends in your friend group are important to you.
So I'm going to say this. You need to divide
and conquer. You need to pick the low hanging fruit first.
(03:01):
Think of one person who you think will be nicest
and most open and do stuff with him. Invite him
to things, get tickets of things, whatever. Just divide and conquer.
That's what you need to. Just pick them off, one
at a time and pull them out. And I also
want to encourage you to make new friends, volunteer, join
a group, join a club, do something. But I don't
(03:24):
want you to feel isolated. I'm so sorry this happened
to you, but obviously it's for a reason. It's time
for you to grow. And oh, my heart go. I
just wouldn't give you a hug. I do, but you
got this, okay, I know you do, all right? Moving on,
Dear doctor Wendy, my boyfriend of three months is not
interested in my hobbies like yoga and reiki. For me,
(03:48):
it's part of who I am. Not just a hobby.
Can we work with this difference? He won't join me
even when I beg okay, I don't know how to
say this, but it's not his job to be your
compatriot and everything now. In a healthy relationship, people do
take turns like, Okay, I'm not a huge sports fan,
(04:12):
but if my Julio asked me to go to baseball game,
I would be on it because I know it's so
important to him. But he doesn't ask me to go
every week. He knows, right, not necessarily my favorite thing.
On the other hand, there are certain movies or things
that I want to watch and it's totally not his thing.
And every once in a while he'll go, oh, oh,
all right, I'll go right. But it sounds like in
(04:35):
only three months you are looking to create a male
version of you. But the thing that probably attracted you
to him and each other was probably your differences. It's
a funny thing about love. We get attracted to somebody
who's the opposite or the other half of us, who's
very different. Introverts love extroverts. Extroverts love introverts, and then
(04:57):
once they get into the relationship, they try to change
the person to be more like they are, which is
going to lead to an implosion or boredom. Okay, so
I just want to say you'll be you and he'll
be him. But if after three months you feel you
don't have much in common, you haven't lost a whole lot.
(05:17):
You can move on. If you want a Yogi guy,
why'd you pick a guy that's not a Yogi guy?
Then that's what I want to know. Don't try to
change him. Just ask yourself about your choices. Okay, next, Hi,
doctor Wendy, is six months too soon to abandon your
future dreams and begin to create a family. I'm so
(05:38):
in love I no longer care about my career. This
is a female by the way. Please just wait, wait
a little bit, please please please be one calendar year.
Please wait one calendar year, and maybe you can find
a balance. Right. It's not like I'm just gonna quit
my job, move across the other side of the country,
get pregnant. You'll be shocked at what you will miss.
(06:01):
I would say, baby steps, take your time. Yes, six
months is too soon, if that's what you wanted to hear, Yes,
six months is too soon. I like to see couples
together for a calendar year, go through a few seasons.
I mean, if you even met his family, has his
family met? You come on slow the role because those
neurow hormones of love are so delicious and you've got
(06:23):
them going on right now? All right, dear doctor Wendy,
moving on here. My girlfriend just had our first child.
I trust her, but I have a close friend who
found out his son in quotation marks the word son
wasn't his. What's the most respectful way to ask her
(06:47):
for a paternity test? That's a really tough one. Okay,
So I want to say this. You're afraid of cuckolding.
It is the mainar since the history of the beginning
of the human species. Right because women have concealed fertility.
You don't know who gained access to her eggs besides you.
(07:09):
And even though you trust her and you think you
have a secure relationship, now you're frazzled because of your
what happened to your friend? Uh? I think the conversation
should well. Either you do the paternity test in secret,
which is a simple blood test. I'll take the baby
for their shots, honey, no problem. While you're there, Can
(07:30):
you take some blood? Uh? You could do that or
you could simply say, I am so rattled by what
happened to my close friend when that baby wasn't his.
And I trust you completely and I know our baby
is ours, but I am just got this anxiety attack
(07:51):
because of that. Can you help me call my anxiety?
Can we go get a paternity test that you know
I can devote myself. I'll use that word devote myself
to you and our child and just wipe this crazy
notion out of my head. I think that's how you
should word it. I think that would be. It would work.
I think would absolutely work. All right. When we come back.
(08:16):
Have you ever heard the saying never go to bed angry, Well,
I've got some research on that. When we come back,
you're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
You know, my husband, Julio and I don't argue very often,
and a couple times that we've had arguments we both
needed a little break. He would take off on his motorcycle.
Not good, not good. He needs to just walk and
I would go out for a walk. Is what would happen.
But we take a little break, we take a few
(08:57):
deep breaths, we come back together, and then all of
a sudden things are kind of okay again. We're able
or have peace of mind, We're able to talk it out.
I don't think we've ever had an argument at night,
but if we did, I know the doctor and me,
the doctor Wendy Walsh, would somehow find it in herself
(09:19):
to say to him, we need to go to sleep
and we need to talk about this in the morning. Now,
there are a lot of people who believe that you
should not go to sleep until you've resolved everything. Right.
People believe we all need to get it solved before
you can go to sleep. And they believe this because
(09:41):
they heard this myth that probably was said in one
of the speeches at their weddings. You know, my best
advice to you, says the old drunk uncle is never
go to bed angry. Okay, so they believe that myth
don't go to bed angry or maybe in the evening
is one of the few times that they have their
partner's full attention. Right, the kids may be in bed,
(10:03):
there's no work calls coming in. It's time to deal
with this issue. Okay, We got to fight about this now,
or maybe they believe it's got to be resolved before
sleep because they're worried they're not going to be able
to sleep, Like, if we don't resolve this thing, I
am going to get a bad night's sleep. Worrying about it.
What they're going to say when actually you need to
(10:25):
just get a good night's sleep. Now. Some people have
an anxious attachment style and they're afraid like if they
go to sleep, their partner literally might abandon them during
the night or in their sleep might think, you know what,
it's time for a breakup. Right, So they feel like
they need to come to some closure before sleep takes
them over. But here's the reality, and this is where
(10:46):
it's based in science. In the evening, people are fatigued,
and fatigue is highly associated with terrible conflict resolution skills. Right.
There was one recent experimental study that tested two groups
of couples. One group was put into a kind of
(11:07):
sleep depor deprivation. They were getting you know, not eight
hours every night for a period of time, they were
getting there, five, six, whatever, and then the other group
was given a full night's sleep. Each group separately was
induced with a high conflict subject and they were asked
(11:28):
to talk about it. Well, surprise, surprise, not surprised, The
sleep deprived couples showed higher level of conflict right, lower
emotional recognition accuracy. In other words, the person who's monitoring says,
what are you feeling right now? I'm just really mad
because it's her fault. It's its fault, right, instead of
(11:50):
I'm feeling really scared or abandoned because this topic is
hard for me. No, it's they're just they're not able
to recognize their own feelings, which having insight is very important,
especially during an argument. But here's the interesting thing. Those
that were over tired actually had the worst post discussion attitude, right,
(12:12):
so they couldn't even get it together later when the
researchers were saying, okay, so we're past that now, let's
take a few minutes and how a you're feeling now?
It was hard, okay, So if you're tired, that's going
to happen. Another thing that could be happening if you're
fighting a night sad to say, is alcohol or drugs
might be involved. And there's enough research to show that
(12:36):
alcohol lowers inhibition and it amplifies anger I'm going to
say something unscientific right now, though, because I've just noticed
in my life it depends on the alcohol. They say
that's not true, they say all alcohol is alcohol, But
I don't know. Tequila makes me happy, it makes me dance,
and vodka makes me mad. Just say it. This is
my personal experience. There's no science to it, just saying it.
(12:59):
But if somebody already has poor emotional regulation skills, alcohol
just puts gasoline on the fire right.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
Now.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
There was one longitudinal study that was published in the
Journal of Family Psychology, and they found that when either
partner drank regularly or heavily, the couple tended to in
general have more verbal and physical aggression right compared with
couples where neither person drank heavily. This is an interesting thing.
(13:30):
There was a study done in twenty fourteen out of
the University of Michigan, and they found that when one
partner was a little drunk and the other was sober,
conflicts tended to escalate faster and resolve more poorly. You
would think that if one person was in a good
state of mind, was straight in their head, that things
(13:53):
would be okay. But no, no, no, no, no, what
they found if one person was drunk and the other wasn't, impaired,
emotional regulation, increased misinterpretation of what each other is saying, and,
of course, for the alcohol, reduced self control. So bottom line,
if you're tired or you're drunk, you're more likely to
(14:14):
say things you'll regret. So why stay up and fight
when there's so much good that can happen to your
brain with a good night's sleep. Right, we know that
getting a good night's sleep, even when you're angry, creates
a pause, gives you a chance to recover, right, gives
you a chance to re engage later constructively. In fact,
(14:38):
research shows that if you can get into a deep
enough sleep and go into rem rapid eye movement, that
dream heavy stage, the brain actually reactivates emotional memories and
decouples them from stress hormones that we're active during the fight.
So when you go to sleep, your brain actually works
through stuff without all all the stress hormones. Isn't that cool?
(15:02):
I know? Also, when you're really tired, the amygdala, Okay,
the amygdala is like the fear center of the brain.
Oh my god, danger, danger, Right, So when you're tired,
it becomes hyperactive, and your prefrontal cortex that's the area
of the front of your brain that calms you down
for reasoning is logic. It's good for reasoning and emotional regulation.
(15:23):
When you're tired, it's underactive. So after a good night's sleep,
both of these areas of the brain calm down. They
resynchronize right, so you'll have less impulse control, you'll have
more empathy, and most important, more perspective taking. So in review,
if you're in a fight, go to sleep, because after
(15:47):
a restorative sleep, your emotional intensity softens. Everything calms down,
your threat detection calms down. You don't feel like this
is such a drama. Right, Your reasoning and empathy rebound,
you do better, Your stress hormones calm down, and your
motivation to reconnect increases. That's why sleeping on it is
(16:12):
a really good idea. Now I'm gonna add something else.
I didn't find this in the science, but if I
look deep enough, I probably would be able to find it.
One of the things I know is that when I
sleep with my secure attachment figure, isn't that romantic? My
sweet husband, Julio my secure attachment figure Because we're the
type of couple that touches all night. We wrap our
(16:34):
legs around each other and everything. We don't get too
hot because one of us is cold, one is hot.
We warm each other up at different time whatever. And
I really think our bodies talk like it's transferring dopamine
from the skin to skin touch thing, and that's why
we wake up calmer and happier. Just saying, so, go
(16:55):
to bed mad. That's I'm gonna say, go to bed mad.
Hey when we come back, are you dating some and
much older than you or much younger than you? Well,
there's a new study trying to determine who's happier, the
older person or the younger person, and the results might
surprise you. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show
and KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
This is the home stretch of our show. Some people
have been sending me messages on Instagram saying, hey, what's
happened to your last segment? You know, I just do
what they tell me to do here and every once
in a while they have great specials for us and
they take another segment. So this is one of those.
But here's the thing. You can always download the iHeartRadio app.
(17:46):
I know I've said it before many times. You search
in the search bar doctor Wendy Walsh. You'll see my picture.
I think my nephew took that picture, and then you'll
see a little button called pre set pr E s
E two preset above that you click that if you
ever miss any part of any show, you'll be able
to get it every time you open the app. In
(18:08):
that cool So you should do that right now. Go
to the iHeartRadio app, search for doctor Wendy Walsh and
then preset button. But I'm always here for you at
seven pm every Sunday night, and in addition, all week long,
I post videos every single day on my social media,
So whether it's Instagram or TikTok, hope we're all back
(18:30):
there and you're not watching a criminal. It's a long story. Anyway,
You're welcome. I wanted to close the show with a
topic that comes up all the time for me. It's
one of the most common questions people ask me. Reporters
call and ask me to comment on this for various publications,
(18:51):
and it has to do with age gap relationships. The
reason why I bring it up again is because I
came across a new study this week that surprise a
few people. And the study was trying to answer the
question who's happier the older person in the age gap
relationship or the younger person? Like, are there benefits both ways?
Before I tell you about the study and what the
(19:12):
answer is, though, I do want to say that I've
always said this that the older person has all the power.
They usually have the money, they usually have the social capital,
but more than anything, they have the wisdom and life experience. Right,
And so whoever has the most power I would think
(19:34):
would be the happiest in a relationship. The data actually
doesn't prove me one hundred percent true, with a caveat
I'll explain in a second. And the other question people
ask me about age gap relationships are what are the
biggest conflicts? What are the biggest challenges? You know, there
are none, except if one partner or the other is
(19:55):
in the reproductive years and wants to reproduce. I mean,
we're put on the planet to reproduce, and this urge
is often you know, imminent, it's important. For many people,
it's urgent, and so if they are the younger person
and the older person already has had a family or
has gotten through those reproductive years and went not for me,
(20:19):
then you're gonna have conflict, right. I remember years ago
talking to a woman who was turning forty and she
was with a husband just a little bit older than her,
and he clearly did not want kids or whatever. So
here at her fortieth birthday party, I was there wishing
her a happy birthday, blah blah blah, and I remember
her saying, I said, what's the hardest part of a
(20:40):
turning forty? And she said, realizing that I'm only going
to have him, that I'm not going to have kids,
and that I made this decision to be with him,
and so that's what I have to do. So she
seemed almost sad. It almost felt like her birthday party
was her closing a window on her reproductive opportunity, all right.
(21:03):
To the study. This study was led by it's a
research team led by a woman named Samantha Banbury. I
bet she says her name Samantha Banberry of the Psychology
department at London Metropolitan University. So they used data from
one hundred and twenty six volunteers now that's a fairly
(21:23):
large study, but I like to see thousands. But okay,
all the volunteers were in a relationship where the age
gap was at least seven years. Okay, So the sample
did include younger people who were dating older partners and
older people not necessarily their partners, but older people who
are dating younger partners. And they had to fill out
(21:43):
a bunch of questionnaires and about their relationship. And so
here's what the data says about who's happier. I don't
think there's going to be any surprise when I tell
you this one. When it comes to sexual satisfaction, things
happier the younger person or the older person. Of course,
(22:03):
is the older person. The older person's happy, they're so
lucky they're with the younger person. So the researchers found
that in both heterosexual and homosexual men and heterosexual women
were significantly happier when they had a younger partner. So
the older partners were happier. If it's a same sex relationship,
(22:26):
they're more likely to be happy. If it was a
woman with a young man, she's happy too. Okay, all
good there. But the other piece was on financial security,
and what they found is that younger men and younger
women who were with male older partners. So younger women
(22:47):
who dated older men were happier, and younger men who
dated older men, they showed a significant increase in happiness. Right,
because these younger people are with that person, right, the
person who is perceived to have financial stability. Uh, so
they're happy. They're like, Okay, my sex life is not
(23:09):
so great getting the money. Now, here's an interesting thing.
It was not found when younger men were dating older
women or when younger women were dating older women. Now
let's just stop and think about that for a minute.
So the financial security thing didn't matter if a young guy,
(23:30):
I mean, they weren't happy if a young guy was
dating a cougar, if a young woman was dating an
older woman. And you know why, it is because the
aged not the wage disparity. So older women aren't as
financially secure as older men. That's just a given. We're
only making seventy seven cents on your dollar, and then
we have to take a huge chunk out of a
(23:52):
time out of the market to raise kids, many of us.
So yeah, I get that, I get it. But basically
the result of this study showed that overwhelmingly, the older
partner is always happiest. As I predicted, right, whoever is
the most power is happiest, and this was especially true
for men. I want to say that there was one
(24:12):
little caveat that I thought was really interesting. The researchers
found no effect in women, which meant that women, I
love us, girls can be equally satisfied in a relationship
with a significantly younger person or a significantly older person.
Unlike men, men like to be the older dude. Interestingly enough, see,
(24:37):
women are more adaptable, we're more flexible. We're just happy people.
That's what I like to think anyway. The only other
sometimes issue when it comes to these age gap relationships,
besides reproduction, which is a huge one, is you know,
social perception and also energy levels. Honestly, like when I
(24:58):
met Julio, he said he only search for women around
his age because he was just like, I don't want
to go out to nightclubs again. I'm tired. I don't
want to have to run around and do all that
and keep up with a young person. And so that
is one of the problems, is differing lifestyles, differing energy levels,
et cetera. Social perception, Look, if you live in Los Angeles,
(25:21):
anything goes right. I remember when I first moved to
LA and I was an entertainment reporter doing a lot
of red carpet stuff, and I would always say to
my camera operator, Hey, aw, isn't that sweet that older
actor brought his daughter to the awards ceremony. And he'd
be like, no, no, no, it's not the daughter. No,
it's not the daughter. It's La, that's the girlfriend. Oh
(25:42):
I see. Anyway, on that note, we're gonna wrap up.
It's always a pleasure to be here every Sunday at
seven pm. Set your clocks. If you miss any part
of the show. You know what I said, download the
iHeartRadio app listen to it anytime during the week. Also,
make sure you follow me on my social The handle
is at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
(26:04):
But is always my pleasure to be with you here.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. I am answering your social media questions.
Send me a DM on Instagram that is at doctor
Wendy Walsh. Okay, let's see, Dear Doctor Wendy. My boyfriend
(00:24):
gets so jealous of my male friends and I feel
he's being controlling. I see my male friends less and
less and it's completely innocent. But he was cheated on
in the past. I need him to trust me. How
can we build that. I'll tell you it's so simple.
Bring them along, help him have a bromance with one
(00:45):
of your other bros. Come on, if you are sneaking
off to see your heterosexual male friends, yeah, it's innocent now,
but trust me, they are hanging out with you because
they believe they are a backup mate. Sorry, it's just
the truth. If you don't believe me, go see the
movie When Harry Met Sally. Okay, it's very hard for
(01:07):
heterosexual men and women to be friends without one of
them living with hope, So you should be out there
in the social world with your partner as a team,
So bring him along. It'll be fine. He'll eventually learn
it's okay, or he'll scare some of those guys off. Yeah,
(01:28):
all right, Dear doctor Wendy, my ex cheated on me
with my best friend since ninth grade. Oh so you've
had your best friend since ninth grade. Your ex cheated
on you with this best friend. Ooh, that hurts. They
both lied to me about it for months until I
caught them in the act. In the act at the moment.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Ooh, well, it's painful.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
My girl and I were together for twelve years and
now she's been with my ex best friend for seven months.
Our friend group stopped inviting me to things. It's like
they chose her. I can't handle losing my friends and
my ex. What's the best way to go about this?
All right? First of all, I'm so sorry this happened
(02:16):
to you. I am so sorry that you are experiencing
what many young men, older men feel after a breakup.
Women tend to take the social capital with them, and
you know, back when I was on dating apps before
I met my husband, I would meet these men that
I used to call the lone wolf men because they
(02:37):
didn't seem to have many friends. They were just put
out into the wilderness in exile after their divorce, because
the women tend to bring the social capital with them
when they move along. But it sounds like some of
these friends in your friend group are important to you.
So I'm going to say this. You need to divide
and conquer. You need to pick the low hanging fruit first.
(03:01):
Think of one person who you think will be nicest
and most open and do stuff with him. Invite him
to things, get tickets of things, whatever. Just divide and conquer.
That's what you need to. Just pick them off, one
at a time and pull them out. And I also
want to encourage you to make new friends, volunteer, join
a group, join a club, do something. But I don't
(03:24):
want you to feel isolated. I'm so sorry this happened
to you, but obviously it's for a reason. It's time
for you to grow. And oh, my heart go. I
just wouldn't give you a hug. I do, but you
got this, okay, I know you do, all right? Moving on,
Dear doctor Wendy, my boyfriend of three months is not
interested in my hobbies like yoga and reiki. For me,
(03:48):
it's part of who I am. Not just a hobby.
Can we work with this difference? He won't join me
even when I beg okay, I don't know how to
say this, but it's not his job to be your
compatriot and everything now. In a healthy relationship, people do
take turns like, Okay, I'm not a huge sports fan,
(04:12):
but if my Julio asked me to go to baseball game,
I would be on it because I know it's so
important to him. But he doesn't ask me to go
every week. He knows, right, not necessarily my favorite thing.
On the other hand, there are certain movies or things
that I want to watch and it's totally not his thing.
And every once in a while he'll go, oh, oh,
all right, I'll go right. But it sounds like in
(04:35):
only three months you are looking to create a male
version of you. But the thing that probably attracted you
to him and each other was probably your differences. It's
a funny thing about love. We get attracted to somebody
who's the opposite or the other half of us, who's
very different. Introverts love extroverts. Extroverts love introverts, and then
(04:57):
once they get into the relationship, they try to change
the person to be more like they are, which is
going to lead to an implosion or boredom. Okay, so
I just want to say you'll be you and he'll
be him. But if after three months you feel you
don't have much in common, you haven't lost a whole lot.
(05:17):
You can move on. If you want a Yogi guy,
why'd you pick a guy that's not a Yogi guy?
Then that's what I want to know. Don't try to
change him. Just ask yourself about your choices. Okay, next, Hi,
doctor Wendy, is six months too soon to abandon your
future dreams and begin to create a family. I'm so
(05:38):
in love I no longer care about my career. This
is a female by the way. Please just wait, wait
a little bit, please please please be one calendar year.
Please wait one calendar year, and maybe you can find
a balance. Right. It's not like I'm just gonna quit
my job, move across the other side of the country,
get pregnant. You'll be shocked at what you will miss.
(06:01):
I would say, baby steps, take your time. Yes, six
months is too soon, if that's what you wanted to hear, Yes,
six months is too soon. I like to see couples
together for a calendar year, go through a few seasons.
I mean, if you even met his family, has his
family met? You come on slow the role because those
neurow hormones of love are so delicious and you've got
(06:23):
them going on right now? All right, dear doctor Wendy,
moving on here. My girlfriend just had our first child.
I trust her, but I have a close friend who
found out his son in quotation marks the word son
wasn't his. What's the most respectful way to ask her
(06:47):
for a paternity test? That's a really tough one. Okay,
So I want to say this. You're afraid of cuckolding.
It is the mainar since the history of the beginning
of the human species. Right because women have concealed fertility.
You don't know who gained access to her eggs besides you.
(07:09):
And even though you trust her and you think you
have a secure relationship, now you're frazzled because of your
what happened to your friend? Uh? I think the conversation
should well. Either you do the paternity test in secret,
which is a simple blood test. I'll take the baby
for their shots, honey, no problem. While you're there, Can
(07:30):
you take some blood? Uh? You could do that or
you could simply say, I am so rattled by what
happened to my close friend when that baby wasn't his.
And I trust you completely and I know our baby
is ours, but I am just got this anxiety attack
(07:51):
because of that. Can you help me call my anxiety?
Can we go get a paternity test that you know
I can devote myself. I'll use that word devote myself
to you and our child and just wipe this crazy
notion out of my head. I think that's how you
should word it. I think that would be. It would work.
I think would absolutely work. All right. When we come back.
(08:16):
Have you ever heard the saying never go to bed angry, Well,
I've got some research on that. When we come back,
you're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
You know, my husband, Julio and I don't argue very often,
and a couple times that we've had arguments we both
needed a little break. He would take off on his motorcycle.
Not good, not good. He needs to just walk and
I would go out for a walk. Is what would happen.
But we take a little break, we take a few
(08:57):
deep breaths, we come back together, and then all of
a sudden things are kind of okay again. We're able
or have peace of mind, We're able to talk it out.
I don't think we've ever had an argument at night,
but if we did, I know the doctor and me,
the doctor Wendy Walsh, would somehow find it in herself
(09:19):
to say to him, we need to go to sleep
and we need to talk about this in the morning. Now,
there are a lot of people who believe that you
should not go to sleep until you've resolved everything. Right.
People believe we all need to get it solved before
you can go to sleep. And they believe this because
(09:41):
they heard this myth that probably was said in one
of the speeches at their weddings. You know, my best
advice to you, says the old drunk uncle is never
go to bed angry. Okay, so they believe that myth
don't go to bed angry or maybe in the evening
is one of the few times that they have their
partner's full attention. Right, the kids may be in bed,
(10:03):
there's no work calls coming in. It's time to deal
with this issue. Okay, We got to fight about this now,
or maybe they believe it's got to be resolved before
sleep because they're worried they're not going to be able
to sleep, Like, if we don't resolve this thing, I
am going to get a bad night's sleep. Worrying about it.
What they're going to say when actually you need to
(10:25):
just get a good night's sleep. Now. Some people have
an anxious attachment style and they're afraid like if they
go to sleep, their partner literally might abandon them during
the night or in their sleep might think, you know what,
it's time for a breakup. Right, So they feel like
they need to come to some closure before sleep takes
them over. But here's the reality, and this is where
(10:46):
it's based in science. In the evening, people are fatigued,
and fatigue is highly associated with terrible conflict resolution skills. Right.
There was one recent experimental study that tested two groups
of couples. One group was put into a kind of
(11:07):
sleep depor deprivation. They were getting you know, not eight
hours every night for a period of time, they were
getting there, five, six, whatever, and then the other group
was given a full night's sleep. Each group separately was
induced with a high conflict subject and they were asked
(11:28):
to talk about it. Well, surprise, surprise, not surprised, The
sleep deprived couples showed higher level of conflict right, lower
emotional recognition accuracy. In other words, the person who's monitoring says,
what are you feeling right now? I'm just really mad
because it's her fault. It's its fault, right, instead of
(11:50):
I'm feeling really scared or abandoned because this topic is
hard for me. No, it's they're just they're not able
to recognize their own feelings, which having insight is very important,
especially during an argument. But here's the interesting thing. Those
that were over tired actually had the worst post discussion attitude, right,
(12:12):
so they couldn't even get it together later when the
researchers were saying, okay, so we're past that now, let's
take a few minutes and how a you're feeling now?
It was hard, okay, So if you're tired, that's going
to happen. Another thing that could be happening if you're
fighting a night sad to say, is alcohol or drugs
might be involved. And there's enough research to show that
(12:36):
alcohol lowers inhibition and it amplifies anger I'm going to
say something unscientific right now, though, because I've just noticed
in my life it depends on the alcohol. They say
that's not true, they say all alcohol is alcohol, But
I don't know. Tequila makes me happy, it makes me dance,
and vodka makes me mad. Just say it. This is
my personal experience. There's no science to it, just saying it.
(12:59):
But if somebody already has poor emotional regulation skills, alcohol
just puts gasoline on the fire right.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
Now.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
There was one longitudinal study that was published in the
Journal of Family Psychology, and they found that when either
partner drank regularly or heavily, the couple tended to in
general have more verbal and physical aggression right compared with
couples where neither person drank heavily. This is an interesting thing.
(13:30):
There was a study done in twenty fourteen out of
the University of Michigan, and they found that when one
partner was a little drunk and the other was sober,
conflicts tended to escalate faster and resolve more poorly. You
would think that if one person was in a good
state of mind, was straight in their head, that things
(13:53):
would be okay. But no, no, no, no, no, what
they found if one person was drunk and the other wasn't, impaired,
emotional regulation, increased misinterpretation of what each other is saying, and,
of course, for the alcohol, reduced self control. So bottom line,
if you're tired or you're drunk, you're more likely to
(14:14):
say things you'll regret. So why stay up and fight
when there's so much good that can happen to your
brain with a good night's sleep. Right, we know that
getting a good night's sleep, even when you're angry, creates
a pause, gives you a chance to recover, right, gives
you a chance to re engage later constructively. In fact,
(14:38):
research shows that if you can get into a deep
enough sleep and go into rem rapid eye movement, that
dream heavy stage, the brain actually reactivates emotional memories and
decouples them from stress hormones that we're active during the fight.
So when you go to sleep, your brain actually works
through stuff without all all the stress hormones. Isn't that cool?
(15:02):
I know? Also, when you're really tired, the amygdala, Okay,
the amygdala is like the fear center of the brain.
Oh my god, danger, danger, Right, So when you're tired,
it becomes hyperactive, and your prefrontal cortex that's the area
of the front of your brain that calms you down
for reasoning is logic. It's good for reasoning and emotional regulation.
(15:23):
When you're tired, it's underactive. So after a good night's sleep,
both of these areas of the brain calm down. They
resynchronize right, so you'll have less impulse control, you'll have
more empathy, and most important, more perspective taking. So in review,
if you're in a fight, go to sleep, because after
(15:47):
a restorative sleep, your emotional intensity softens. Everything calms down,
your threat detection calms down. You don't feel like this
is such a drama. Right, Your reasoning and empathy rebound,
you do better, Your stress hormones calm down, and your
motivation to reconnect increases. That's why sleeping on it is
(16:12):
a really good idea. Now I'm gonna add something else.
I didn't find this in the science, but if I
look deep enough, I probably would be able to find it.
One of the things I know is that when I
sleep with my secure attachment figure, isn't that romantic? My
sweet husband, Julio my secure attachment figure Because we're the
type of couple that touches all night. We wrap our
(16:34):
legs around each other and everything. We don't get too
hot because one of us is cold, one is hot.
We warm each other up at different time whatever. And
I really think our bodies talk like it's transferring dopamine
from the skin to skin touch thing, and that's why
we wake up calmer and happier. Just saying, so, go
(16:55):
to bed mad. That's I'm gonna say, go to bed mad.
Hey when we come back, are you dating some and
much older than you or much younger than you? Well,
there's a new study trying to determine who's happier, the
older person or the younger person, and the results might
surprise you. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show
and KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
This is the home stretch of our show. Some people
have been sending me messages on Instagram saying, hey, what's
happened to your last segment? You know, I just do
what they tell me to do here and every once
in a while they have great specials for us and
they take another segment. So this is one of those.
But here's the thing. You can always download the iHeartRadio app.
(17:46):
I know I've said it before many times. You search
in the search bar doctor Wendy Walsh. You'll see my picture.
I think my nephew took that picture, and then you'll
see a little button called pre set pr E s
E two preset above that you click that if you
ever miss any part of any show, you'll be able
to get it every time you open the app. In
(18:08):
that cool So you should do that right now. Go
to the iHeartRadio app, search for doctor Wendy Walsh and
then preset button. But I'm always here for you at
seven pm every Sunday night, and in addition, all week long,
I post videos every single day on my social media,
So whether it's Instagram or TikTok, hope we're all back
(18:30):
there and you're not watching a criminal. It's a long story. Anyway,
You're welcome. I wanted to close the show with a
topic that comes up all the time for me. It's
one of the most common questions people ask me. Reporters
call and ask me to comment on this for various publications,
(18:51):
and it has to do with age gap relationships. The
reason why I bring it up again is because I
came across a new study this week that surprise a
few people. And the study was trying to answer the
question who's happier the older person in the age gap
relationship or the younger person? Like, are there benefits both ways?
Before I tell you about the study and what the
(19:12):
answer is, though, I do want to say that I've
always said this that the older person has all the power.
They usually have the money, they usually have the social capital,
but more than anything, they have the wisdom and life experience. Right,
And so whoever has the most power I would think
(19:34):
would be the happiest in a relationship. The data actually
doesn't prove me one hundred percent true, with a caveat
I'll explain in a second. And the other question people
ask me about age gap relationships are what are the
biggest conflicts? What are the biggest challenges? You know, there
are none, except if one partner or the other is
(19:55):
in the reproductive years and wants to reproduce. I mean,
we're put on the planet to reproduce, and this urge
is often you know, imminent, it's important. For many people,
it's urgent, and so if they are the younger person
and the older person already has had a family or
has gotten through those reproductive years and went not for me,
(20:19):
then you're gonna have conflict, right. I remember years ago
talking to a woman who was turning forty and she
was with a husband just a little bit older than her,
and he clearly did not want kids or whatever. So
here at her fortieth birthday party, I was there wishing
her a happy birthday, blah blah blah, and I remember
her saying, I said, what's the hardest part of a
(20:40):
turning forty? And she said, realizing that I'm only going
to have him, that I'm not going to have kids,
and that I made this decision to be with him,
and so that's what I have to do. So she
seemed almost sad. It almost felt like her birthday party
was her closing a window on her reproductive opportunity, all right.
(21:03):
To the study. This study was led by it's a
research team led by a woman named Samantha Banbury. I
bet she says her name Samantha Banberry of the Psychology
department at London Metropolitan University. So they used data from
one hundred and twenty six volunteers now that's a fairly
(21:23):
large study, but I like to see thousands. But okay,
all the volunteers were in a relationship where the age
gap was at least seven years. Okay, So the sample
did include younger people who were dating older partners and
older people not necessarily their partners, but older people who
are dating younger partners. And they had to fill out
(21:43):
a bunch of questionnaires and about their relationship. And so
here's what the data says about who's happier. I don't
think there's going to be any surprise when I tell
you this one. When it comes to sexual satisfaction, things
happier the younger person or the older person. Of course,
(22:03):
is the older person. The older person's happy, they're so
lucky they're with the younger person. So the researchers found
that in both heterosexual and homosexual men and heterosexual women
were significantly happier when they had a younger partner. So
the older partners were happier. If it's a same sex relationship,
(22:26):
they're more likely to be happy. If it was a
woman with a young man, she's happy too. Okay, all
good there. But the other piece was on financial security,
and what they found is that younger men and younger
women who were with male older partners. So younger women
(22:47):
who dated older men were happier, and younger men who
dated older men, they showed a significant increase in happiness. Right,
because these younger people are with that person, right, the
person who is perceived to have financial stability. Uh, so
they're happy. They're like, Okay, my sex life is not
(23:09):
so great getting the money. Now, here's an interesting thing.
It was not found when younger men were dating older
women or when younger women were dating older women. Now
let's just stop and think about that for a minute.
So the financial security thing didn't matter if a young guy,
(23:30):
I mean, they weren't happy if a young guy was
dating a cougar, if a young woman was dating an
older woman. And you know why, it is because the
aged not the wage disparity. So older women aren't as
financially secure as older men. That's just a given. We're
only making seventy seven cents on your dollar, and then
we have to take a huge chunk out of a
(23:52):
time out of the market to raise kids, many of us.
So yeah, I get that, I get it. But basically
the result of this study showed that overwhelmingly, the older
partner is always happiest. As I predicted, right, whoever is
the most power is happiest, and this was especially true
for men. I want to say that there was one
(24:12):
little caveat that I thought was really interesting. The researchers
found no effect in women, which meant that women, I
love us, girls can be equally satisfied in a relationship
with a significantly younger person or a significantly older person.
Unlike men, men like to be the older dude. Interestingly enough, see,
(24:37):
women are more adaptable, we're more flexible. We're just happy people.
That's what I like to think anyway. The only other
sometimes issue when it comes to these age gap relationships,
besides reproduction, which is a huge one, is you know,
social perception and also energy levels. Honestly, like when I
(24:58):
met Julio, he said he only search for women around
his age because he was just like, I don't want
to go out to nightclubs again. I'm tired. I don't
want to have to run around and do all that
and keep up with a young person. And so that
is one of the problems, is differing lifestyles, differing energy levels,
et cetera. Social perception, Look, if you live in Los Angeles,
(25:21):
anything goes right. I remember when I first moved to
LA and I was an entertainment reporter doing a lot
of red carpet stuff, and I would always say to
my camera operator, Hey, aw, isn't that sweet that older
actor brought his daughter to the awards ceremony. And he'd
be like, no, no, no, it's not the daughter. No,
it's not the daughter. It's La, that's the girlfriend. Oh
(25:42):
I see. Anyway, on that note, we're gonna wrap up.
It's always a pleasure to be here every Sunday at
seven pm. Set your clocks. If you miss any part
of the show. You know what I said, download the
iHeartRadio app listen to it anytime during the week. Also,
make sure you follow me on my social The handle
is at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
(26:04):
But is always my pleasure to be with you here.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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