December 25, 2025 • 41 mins
This Christmas Day, Gary & Shannon present a four-hour Best Of showcase — revisiting standout segments, memorable interviews, and moments that made us laugh, think, and react. A perfect companion for your holiday, wherever you’re listening.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Gary and Shannon and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Gary and Shannon Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Welcome to Gary and Shannon's a Christmas Carol on KFI.
There are some things that never change. Love is one
of them, and in those places we find the most love,
we can often find the most frustration. As we've seen
for millennia, families can be both the greatest source of
(00:32):
love and an endless well of frustration.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Some of the most heated and grievous dust ups.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Occur around the holidays, and our nerves are thin and
our wallets thinner.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
But even in times when.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Uncle Fred's farts sting your eyes and Grandma's vodka gimlet
flavored kisses drown even the merriest of us all. Everyone
agrees that the world's most beloved Christmas story is Charles
Dickens A Christmas Carol. This is not that, But when
Dickens presented this little story to the world one hundred
(01:05):
and seventy five years ago, it found an instant response
in the hearts of people everywhere realized it was their
favorite fictional chronicle of what Christmas is and what Christmas
means to all the simple people of the earth. So
without further ado, and with the spirit of the season
coursing through our veins, we proudly present Gary and Shannon's
(01:26):
a Christmas Carol on KFI. First a land acknowledgment. We
are on Land. Marley was dead, there was no doubt
about it. After years of international stardom as a reggae icon,
a toe cancer spread to his brain and he passed
(01:48):
in a hospital in Miami. But the spirit of Christmas
still mister narrator, that's the wrong Marley.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
This is the story of Jacob Marley, not Marley.
Speaker 5 (02:02):
Actually, Michael Elmer. We're saying Gary Marley today. Not sure
if I put that in there, we might be on
the same script.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
I don't know, got it? Got it?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Yeah, Gary Marley. I'll just adjust on the fly. Gary
was dead, there was no doubt about it. The register
of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk,
the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it, and
Shannon Scrooge's name was good upon change for anything she
(02:31):
chose to put her hand to.
Speaker 5 (02:33):
Old Gary was as dead as it did. You know,
just a second I'm sorry, and we're gonna adjust on
the fly. Instead, we're just gonna say Gary's on vacation.
It just seems a little dark. Maybe easier to swallow,
so easier to explain to huge knew Gary was on vacation.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Of course she did.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Gary and Shannon were partners for years, but she was
a tight fisted hand at the grindstone was screwed, huge, squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous,
old sinner, And once upon a time of all the
good days in the year, on Christmas Eve, old Shannon
(03:17):
Scrooge sat busy in her radio studio, a grim, cheerless place,
if ever there was one. The door of Scrooge's studio
was open that she might keep an eye on her
boardop Elmer Elmer cratchit, who when a cold and dismal
little studio beyond worked on his ledgers.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
Twenty twenty one, twenty two. All I Want for Christmas
is You twenty three, twenty six, twenty nine nine, carries
two eleven thirteen, seventeen seven, Make my wish come June.
Speaker 6 (03:58):
Yes, yes, missus.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
Screw stop that infernal catterwauling.
Speaker 4 (04:04):
Yes, ma'am, nine fifteen seventeen twenty one, carry the one.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
All the Impudence Coast plays their idiotic Christmas carols earlier
and earlier every year.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
They've been playing this music since the fifth of July.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Elmer Cratchit, turn off the damn Christmas music.
Speaker 6 (04:27):
But missus Scrooge, it's Christmas time.
Speaker 4 (04:31):
It's time to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior,
and in such a joyous time for all of us.
And what better way to celebrate than move you carry?
Speaker 7 (04:42):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
I love that Christmas elmar You're fired.
Speaker 6 (04:48):
Sure thing, Missus Scrooge.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
Wait, on second thought, you're not fired yet. I need
to go down to the sales department. Tell them to
get you the final copy for those commercials Hu.
Speaker 6 (05:00):
We're all expecting to lead the office early for the holiday.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
Do I care about the holiday? I want my commercial
copy today.
Speaker 6 (05:11):
I just thought it being Christmas eve.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Ma'am, Christmas Christmas. You mentioned the word once more, elmer Cratchit,
and all.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
Merry Christmas, Shannon, Merry Christmas, Omer, Merry Christmas.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
Will God save you Shannon? Seriously, bah, humbug Christmas? A
humbug Shannon.
Speaker 6 (05:34):
Now I'm sure you don't mean.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
I mean it, just exactly that. Merry Christmas. Why are
you so merry?
Speaker 8 (05:41):
Oh?
Speaker 9 (05:41):
Come now, missus Scrooge. What right have you to be
dismal about Christmas? Shannon, You're a mostly popular radio host.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me, but
I can but I can't help that I'm popular. Wait, well,
why did you come in here? You want a Christmas gift?
Your uncle Gary is on vacation.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
Oh sorry, that's you. I came to wish No, not you,
that's will it is. Yeah, I came to wish you
a merry Christmas.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Check, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. A lot of good Christmas
is done for you. You got to work on Christmas.
Speaker 9 (06:16):
I have always thought of Christmas time as a good time,
a kind, for giving, charitable, pleasant time, just like holiday
magic at Disneyland, or shots at Dodger Stadium or shots
of Dodger Stadium from five thousand feet up. Christmas has
definitely never put a scrap of gold or silver in
my pocket. But I do believe it has done me
good and will do me good. And I say, God,
(06:40):
bless it, God bless Christmas.
Speaker 6 (06:43):
Hoorah.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Em Sorry, let me hear another sound out of you there,
Elm or crotch it, and you'll keep your Christmas by
losing your situation.
Speaker 6 (06:53):
I'm not sure what that means.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
I'll fire you so you can go celebrate Christmas jobless
with your family.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
Duff, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 9 (07:02):
Oh, don't be angry, Shannon. I want nothing from you.
I ask nothing of you. Why can't we be friend?
Speaker 3 (07:08):
Good afternoon.
Speaker 6 (07:10):
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Well, I've tried. Merry Christmas to you.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
Good afternoon, happy too, seriously, ba humbug and.
Speaker 9 (07:22):
A merry Christmas to you, Elmer and your family.
Speaker 6 (07:25):
Oh, and to tiny Tim. Same to you, Richie.
Speaker 5 (07:28):
But say will will say to you?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Why?
Speaker 10 (07:32):
Helmer?
Speaker 6 (07:34):
Okay, it's not perfect.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
I hope you become a Sigler on your way home.
That's really not nice. Uh, Elmer, what are you doing?
Speaker 4 (07:46):
Uh? I'm going to change the thermosta in the studio.
See it's so cold, and.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
H stop it right there?
Speaker 1 (07:53):
How can I complain to the boss about how cold
it is in here? If you turn up the thermostat,
maybe you should mix in some long pants into that wardrobe.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
I'm sorry, man, my fingers are getting a little stiff
with the cold. It's hard to run the board with
stiff fingers.
Speaker 6 (08:11):
Studios hotline.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
Well, see who it is?
Speaker 8 (08:19):
Hello, Hello, I.
Speaker 7 (08:21):
Think it's Christine. I'm calling in behalf of the Lobby
Joe Foundation. We're a Canadian based foundation dedicated to the
freedom of all crustaceans and various arthropods.
Speaker 8 (08:29):
And I was wondering I might speak to the host
of the radio show.
Speaker 6 (08:33):
Oh, very good, ma'am, it's Reue.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
Who is it.
Speaker 8 (08:38):
Have I the pleasure of addressing Gary or Shannon?
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Seriously?
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Gary's been dead these seven years tonight Wait, I mean
he's on vacation.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
I'm screwed, Shannon.
Speaker 8 (08:52):
Channing, screwge.
Speaker 7 (08:54):
At this season of the year, it's only fitting that
those who are more fortunate, with the more developed limbic
system should raise a fun to buy the por some
meat and drink and pains of warmth for lobsters. And
right now in restaurants through North America, there are lobsters.
Speaker 11 (09:06):
Swimming in Pasay.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
I remember you, you're that kuk who let out the
Lobster's circa twenty eighteen. I think, aren't you a crustacean
version of a progressive da you know, let out all
the criminals or lobsters just in time for the holidays.
Speaker 8 (09:23):
Well, there are plenty of restaurants, ma'am, and I feel like.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
In sushi houses.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Yeah, those are still in operation, I trust well.
Speaker 8 (09:33):
I wish I could say they are not, but they are,
My lady.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Glad to hear that.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
I was afraid from what you said at first, that
someone was gonna outlob butter because it can be used
to make that lobster taste.
Speaker 8 (09:44):
So good about a few of us up on change.
Speaker 7 (09:47):
You're endeavoring to raise a fund for further provisions, you see,
allowing not just crustaceans, but all of our animal brothers
and sisters to.
Speaker 8 (09:53):
Live lives without fear of being turned into a bit.
So what donation? Shall I put you down?
Speaker 3 (09:58):
For nothing?
Speaker 8 (10:00):
Oh? I see you wish to remain anonymous.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
I wish to be left alone. You know what, lady,
you're a nutbag. You really think a lobster cares if
it becomes dinner?
Speaker 3 (10:08):
Elmer? Hang up on.
Speaker 4 (10:09):
Her, Christine, I'm sorry I couldn't help overhear it.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
Hang up on her?
Speaker 6 (10:16):
And I would love to give a donation, Elmer, Yes, mean.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
I look at the time.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
Now it's too late for you to go talk to
the salespeople. They'll be closed up for Christmas, just like
other fools. Speaking of which I suppose you'll want like
the entire day off tomorrow.
Speaker 6 (10:39):
That would be so awesome. I mean, if that's okay
with you.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
It's not okay.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
It's not very christ like Elmer Christ never takes Christmas off.
But I suppose I can't do anything about it. If
you don't get paid for a day of work, you'd
be so pissed.
Speaker 6 (10:57):
Well, yeah, most people, but.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
You do want to get paid for a day of
not working.
Speaker 6 (11:04):
Come on, it's once a year.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Fine, Let's just make sure you're here earlier the next morning.
You understand, like, I want you here before Neil feels
in for handle.
Speaker 6 (11:14):
Oh, I will, I will.
Speaker 4 (11:16):
Indeed, good night, Good night, Shannon, and a Merry Christmas
to you.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
So what we're doing now, seriously, everything is Merry Christmas, Jesus,
Mary and Joseph.
Speaker 6 (11:28):
Marry Christmas.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Ever, stay tuned for the next day of Gary and
Shannon's a Christmas Carol.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
When we hear Shannon Scrooge.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Say three spirits like whiskey, vodka and gin next on KFI.
Speaker 10 (11:47):
You're listening to Gary and Shannon on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Welcome back to Gary and Shannon's a Christmas Carol on
k FI that Christmas Eve, the radio station was dim
the elevator's dark. At the end of the workday on
Christmas Eve, Elmer Cratchett bounded down the back stairway in
his retro T shirt, corduroy jacket, and black vans, the
(12:17):
s eating grin on his face, belying the truth he
holds most dear. Christmas is his favorite holiday. He floated
all the way through traffic all the way home. Shannon Scrooge,
on the other hand, stop by the mailroom to pick
up her weekly shipment of football media guides and injury reports.
(12:38):
Scrooge avoided conversations on the way home, which isn't hard
to do considering her resting bitch face. When she got home,
she clambered down her rickety old staircase to her dark
and depressing Shan cave to fall asleep watching highlights of
the forty nine Ers, the Old forty nine Ers, the
Bill Wash, Joe Montana, j White Clark, forty nine Ers,
(13:01):
and that'll be a.
Speaker 9 (13:01):
First down for the forty nine ers.
Speaker 12 (13:03):
They had white bark on a planting over the middle.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
He was, Gary? Is that is that you? I saw? Old? Humbug?
Gary's been dead these seven years.
Speaker 13 (13:16):
We're saying vacation person.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
That's what we're doing. Okay, changing the story completely. Humbug,
all humbug.
Speaker 6 (13:22):
What I need?
Speaker 3 (13:23):
What I need is a good night's sleep. What's that.
Speaker 8 (13:34):
Chat?
Speaker 13 (13:35):
Gary?
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Oh?
Speaker 14 (13:38):
No, what do you want of me?
Speaker 3 (13:40):
I ask much of you? Show you ask much of me?
Who even talks like that? Who are you ask me?
Who I was?
Speaker 6 (13:50):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (13:50):
Holy hell? All right? Then who were you?
Speaker 5 (13:52):
I was your co host? I was on the Gary
and Change Gary Hoffman.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
But you're dead. You died seven years ago. Should we
just decided death was? That's not gonna work. Wait, so
you're not a ghost?
Speaker 8 (14:04):
Then?
Speaker 5 (14:04):
Actually, you know what, fine? Still a ghost? It works
better in the story. So what's wrong?
Speaker 8 (14:09):
Shannon?
Speaker 13 (14:10):
Don't you believe in me?
Speaker 8 (14:11):
I do?
Speaker 3 (14:11):
Not you doubt your senses?
Speaker 13 (14:14):
Shannon?
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Well, yeah, I mean think about it. I haven't had
to drop an alcohol in fifty one weeks. My deep
sleep scores have been off the charts, and I've had
a lot of weird dreams since trying those new melatonin gummies.
So yeah, chances are you are a a figment of
my over active imagination or shall I say pigment?
Speaker 5 (14:31):
No, you're right the first time, figment. It's figment of
your imagination. And by the way, would a figment of
your imagination be able to do this?
Speaker 3 (14:41):
Look at that movie Show me the booty, Give me
the booty.
Speaker 13 (14:44):
Yeah, WoT the booty?
Speaker 3 (14:45):
Back up the booty. I need the booty. I like
the booty.
Speaker 13 (14:48):
You want a booty.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
Shake of that booty. I saw the booty. I want
the booty. Lord.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
No, no, no, no, no stop stop, stops up, spot.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
I do believe in you. Right, you are a ghost, Gary,
Thank you? But why are you and my my shaedcave Well?
Speaker 5 (15:02):
It is required of every person that the non gender
specific spirit within him or her should walk around abroad
among their fellow person and travel far and wide to
witness what it cannot share but might have shared on
earth and turned to happiness.
Speaker 3 (15:17):
I have been to Estonia? Are you asking if I've
been to a Stoney?
Speaker 8 (15:20):
Oh?
Speaker 13 (15:21):
I know you've been to Aestony.
Speaker 5 (15:22):
You tell us all the time about Estonian pancakes. Do
you know that no space of regret can make amends
for one's life's opportunities misused.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
But you were always a good man of business, Gary.
Speaker 5 (15:34):
Business mankind was my business, I should say, non gender
specific person kind was my business. Clarity, mercy, charity, benevolence,
they were all my business. The dealings of my trade
were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean
of my business.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Listen to me, share, I'm listening to you, Gary, but
don't be so flowers.
Speaker 5 (15:56):
I am here to warn you that you have yet
a chance of hoh of escaping my fate.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
Do you mean the fate of going on vacation?
Speaker 5 (16:04):
Yes, I mean no dying with regrets. You know what
just dropped the vacation thing. I figured you will be
haunted by three spirits.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Spirits like whiskey, vodka, and jim like I mean, like
I said earlier, I'm not much of a drinker anymore.
Speaker 5 (16:24):
Three spirits like the weird baby that lives under your stairs.
It is your only chance and hope.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Well, then I think I'd rather.
Speaker 5 (16:31):
Not without their visits. You cannot hope to shine the
path I tread. Expect the first tomorrow when you hear
the trumpets of Jesus.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Can I just get them all at once, get it
over with, like the whole Dennis ericson Mike Nolan era
of the forty nine ers. Do you even remember who
the leading passer was under? Dennis ericson timra to tim
effing retee torture.
Speaker 5 (16:53):
Look, but for your own sake, you'll remember what has
passed between us, and remember when the trumpets of Jesus sound.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Look for the first Spirit.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Gary Gary Shannon awoke.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
She was lying on her Shan couch in the Shan.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Cave, wearing her brock, Herdy Jersey, comfy sweats, and stylish
but shabby sheet sneakers. Suddenly, the door leading to the
Shan Cave slammed shut and the stairs creaked. She found
herself face to face with an unearthly visitor. It was
(17:32):
a strange figure, like a child, yet not so like
a child, is like a man. It's hair thick, black
and strong. The face had not a wrinkle in it
thanks to a fresh botox touch up, and the spirit
wore a glow, a fresh, tight, crisp glow.
Speaker 3 (17:50):
Shannon screwed. Uh who is that? Shannon screwed? I have
come for you, oh oh you uh?
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Richie producer Richie is that you are.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
You the spirit who's coming was foretold me. I am
the ghost of Christmas past? Like how long pass?
Speaker 6 (18:11):
No?
Speaker 3 (18:12):
I am not falling for that trick. A ghost never
tells his age. What do you want of me? What
brings you here to haunt me? Your welfare?
Speaker 15 (18:20):
Shannon Scrooge, Rise and walk with me through the skies?
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Oh? Wait, like Jasmine and Aladdin and the Disney movie,
We're gonna fly through the sky, Superman and Lois More.
Speaker 15 (18:30):
Like Britney Spears. We're getting high and then heading north
and we're going fast.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Ritchie, where are we? What happened to Burdbank? Wait, there's
a bunch of fuck? Is that the Golden gate Bridge?
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Richie?
Speaker 15 (18:48):
These are the shadows of the things that have been
You recognize this country side?
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Oh? I know every inch of it, every rock, every tree,
and that bleak building over there, Francis Scott Key Elementary School.
That's my school. The nuns hated me.
Speaker 15 (19:02):
Come, let's go closer. Look through the window into that cold,
barren room. What do you see, Shannon Scrooge.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
Oh, I see a little girl. Wait, that's me.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Back when my hair was blonde, actually blonde, and I
wore that stupid Catholic school uniform.
Speaker 15 (19:19):
In truth, we all know your hair was never ripply blonde.
Shut up, Riggie, your lips are trembling. Scrooge's what does
this image make you feel?
Speaker 3 (19:29):
Nothing except the V neck sweater should have stayed in
the eighties.
Speaker 15 (19:33):
Come, Shannon, Scrooge, let us see another Christmas. It's what
about this Christmas from a time of your Is it familiar?
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Oh yeah, this is a keg party at Chico State
Sigma New I think it was Sigma Nu House, so
check it out. There's that one guy we called bezzy Wig.
That guy could do a keg stand at empty the
damn thing. Oh what a jolly time we used to have.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
Sesziwood gives total bottom energy.
Speaker 15 (20:06):
What about that carefree young woman with the light heart
and smile?
Speaker 3 (20:10):
Do you recognize her?
Speaker 8 (20:11):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Yes, merciful heaven. How happy I was then? And drunk?
I mean I was pretty dammered that night. Pretty sure this.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Is one of the nights I got in trouble for
urinating in public.
Speaker 15 (20:22):
A small matter of old Fezziwig to make those silly
folks so full of joy.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Oh, man, if Fezziwig was having a good time, we
were all having a good time. But I think he
flunked out. I know he was on some sort of
academic probation. But he lived in the Sigma New House
until he was like thirty three years old. Oh wait,
maybe that was Elmer. Anyway, he lived in the house
until he was thirty three.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
L like Elmer crotch it. What is the matter?
Speaker 15 (20:49):
Oh nothing at all, Richie, something I think.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Well, only it's just that I should like to be
able to say a word or two to Elmer cratch it.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
That's all.
Speaker 15 (21:01):
Well, listen, I gotta check in on this so we
can wrap this up with one more journey.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
Where now come with me.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
A lot of.
Speaker 13 (21:18):
Bottle it and a little bout hey.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Shannon West here along for the ride on one A
three point five Hot Country khs L plank back to
back to back hot country hit stick around for Toby Keith,
Keith Urban and Channai Dwayne.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
But first these days.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
From my favorite guys in Taijian radscal Flats Hot Country
one A three point five.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
This is our last visit to the past.
Speaker 15 (21:43):
Shannon, here in this little room, do you recognize yourself screwed?
Speaker 3 (21:48):
No, No, spare me this.
Speaker 15 (21:51):
You're older now a woman the prime of life, a
country radio DJ.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
Your face has begun to weather signs of care.
Speaker 15 (21:59):
You clearly need a chemical peel and just a touch
of my favorite Botoks.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
No, no, no, please, she knows it too, that girl
in that radio station.
Speaker 6 (22:10):
Hey, listen, Blondie.
Speaker 12 (22:12):
I know this is your first real radio job, and
I'm your first program director. But this is the hard
part of my job. We're gonna have to let you go.
The radio business changing and we're just a bit behind
the curve. I mean, that is, unless you could think
of something creative to bring us back from the brink
of bankruptcy.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
Why doesn't she say anything? She's got ideas, I had ideas.
Speaker 12 (22:36):
Oh, at first, it may cause you pain to lose
this job, a very brief pain, But soon it will
be dim like a half remembered dream, nonprofitable dream, and
when you wake up you get a better job with
a future. But maybe you could be a manager at
West Seal or work customer service for America Online.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
It's wet Seal and show me no more, Take me home.
Speaker 15 (23:03):
These were shadows of things that have been. They are
what they are. Don't blame me, girl.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
No no more. I don't even like Rascal Flats.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Stay tuned for the next stave of Gary and Shannon's
a Christmas Carol.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
When we hear Elmer Cratchett say.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
Now you listen here, tiny tim It's Christmas Eve and
we must be charitable on Christmas Eve.
Speaker 3 (23:29):
Next on KFI.
Speaker 10 (23:34):
You're listening to Gary and Shannon on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Welcome back to Gary and Shannon's a Christmas Carol on KFI.
Speaker 6 (23:46):
I listen to the tet of Jesus.
Speaker 12 (23:51):
Girl.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
From the first blast of the Trumpets of Jesus. Shannon
awakened suddenly and sat bolt upright on her Shan couch.
She remembered the words of Gary's ghost and wondered from
wish direction the second specter would appear. As she rubbed
the sleep from her eyes, she realized her Shan cave
had changed. A door appeared under the stairs where boxes
(24:14):
once lay stacked, a studio door as if it were
connected to her on air studio, and from inside the
door a voice called to Shannon Scrooge.
Speaker 16 (24:26):
Come in, Come in, Shannon Scrooge, and know me better.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
Woman.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
You wait, you you're Heather Brooker, right, the newest Hire
in the KFI newsroom.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
I am the ghost of Christmas present. Look upon me.
You have never seen the likes of me before.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
You're You're different from the other Spirit. Richie likes to
hug peeple. Please tell me you don't like to hug people.
Speaker 16 (24:50):
Nope, no hugs here, just life lessons. Spirit, take me
where you will.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Last time I went against my will and learned a
lesson which is working. Now.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
If you have any to teach me, let me profit
by it.
Speaker 16 (25:02):
Touch my robe, Shannon, touch my robe.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
I'm gonna pull the car over right here. I'm pretty
sure Hr wouldn't want me touching the robe of a
co worker. How about we just pretend I touched a
robe and color a day.
Speaker 13 (25:17):
Well as you wish.
Speaker 6 (25:18):
Very well?
Speaker 3 (25:18):
Then, okay, So what are we looking at?
Speaker 16 (25:23):
Where have you brought me a humble dwelling on a
humble street, Yet there is happiness here?
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Who are these people?
Speaker 16 (25:31):
These are the family of your clok Elma Cratchet. Oh,
I smell so good in here, see Elma and his
boy Tiny Tim.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
Let's listen in Scrooge.
Speaker 6 (25:43):
Well, Well, well, wasn't that a great church service? Tiny Tim?
Speaker 3 (25:48):
As good as gold and better?
Speaker 6 (25:52):
It sure was Tiny Tim.
Speaker 17 (25:54):
I hope everyone in the church saw me tonight.
Speaker 6 (25:56):
Why is that, Tiny Tim? Why did you want them
to see you?
Speaker 17 (26:00):
I hope the people saw me in the church because
I am a cripple and it might be pleasant for
them to remember upon Christmas Day? Who made the lame
to walk in the blind to see?
Speaker 3 (26:12):
Boy? This kid is killing me. You're lucky they can't
see you. They'd give you a piece of that mind me.
What could they possibly have against me? Listening?
Speaker 4 (26:24):
Hey, little buddy, let's give a toast to Shannon Scrooge
on this Christmas Eve.
Speaker 6 (26:30):
To Shannon Scrooge, the founder of the feast.
Speaker 14 (26:33):
I wish she was here.
Speaker 17 (26:34):
I'd give her a piece of my mind to feast upon,
and I hope she had good appetite for it.
Speaker 6 (26:39):
Now listen here, tony tom. Hmm.
Speaker 4 (26:41):
It's Christmas Eve and we must be charitable on Christmas Eve.
Speaker 17 (26:46):
Then I'll drink for her health for your sake, but
not for hers. So ilive her in a happy new year.
Speaker 4 (26:54):
If she cannot be happy, then we mustn't be happy
for her spirit.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
Tell me if Tiny Tim will live, I don't think
I can stand hear Elmer baby talking to tiny Tim
for the rest of this little dream.
Speaker 16 (27:09):
I see a fireplace hath and a small cane next
to it, with no tiny Tim to be found.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Crap that sucks, you.
Speaker 16 (27:17):
See, Shannon, Scrooge, There is nothing of high mark in
all this. They are not a handsome family, these Crashets.
They are not well dressed, Their shoes are far from
being waterproof, their clothes are scanty. But they are happy, grateful,
pleased with one another, and content with the time.
Speaker 4 (27:36):
So tiny Tim, I've been thinking we could do a
podcast together that's all about the existence of aliens and
three I Atlas comment and life giving energy that they
want to spread to humanity.
Speaker 6 (27:51):
What'd you say, a little guy, What.
Speaker 17 (27:53):
A grand idea, Papa Elmer, A grand idea. Indeed, God
bless us everyone.
Speaker 16 (27:59):
My life upon this globe is very brief, Scrooge, It
ends tonight.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
Whoa spirit tonight?
Speaker 10 (28:06):
Know this?
Speaker 16 (28:08):
I could rack up frequent flyer miles by taking you
all over, showing you people in dire circumstances with smiles
on their faces, finding joy and what many people see
as less than ideal conditions.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
But you know how this goes. I show you.
Speaker 16 (28:22):
People you think should be sad, and they are happy
despite their conditions.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
Plus, like I said, I gotta go. But what if
I want to see more stuff?
Speaker 16 (28:30):
The more stuff you will have to learn from still
another spirit.
Speaker 3 (28:34):
But since I've got your ear, do you validate parking?
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Stay tuned for the next stable Garyan Shannon's Ay Christmas Carol.
When we hear the ghost of Christmas yet to come say.
Speaker 14 (28:53):
Then you know we did it twice in the butlersh.
Speaker 13 (28:57):
Pantry if you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
Next on KFI.
Speaker 10 (29:03):
You're listening to Gary and Shannon on Demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Welcome back to Gary and Shannon's a Christmas Carol on KFI.
With two of the three promised spirits having visited Shannon
in her slumber, she rose once again from the shancouch,
searching the Shan Cave for the ghost that had just vanished,
And once again she found herself in the crumpled jersey
(29:32):
of a former football grate stained sweats and funky socks.
But then she heard the trumpets of Jesus.
Speaker 18 (29:41):
Jesus did she remembered the prediction of her old partner,
Gary Marley, and lifting up her eyes, she beheld the
third spirit, a solemn phantom, shrouded in royal blue, draped
and stooped, slowly shuffling towards her, but with a regal
nature befitting royalty.
Speaker 13 (30:04):
Hey wait a minute, I know you, Queen Liz.
Speaker 3 (30:12):
Listen. I'm not gonna lie, Liz.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
If you're the ghost of Christmas future, I'm more afraid
of you than any of those others.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
But I know why you're here in times of wasting.
So chop, chop, let's go not so fast.
Speaker 14 (30:23):
I've traveled quite a distance from the ethereal realm to
this dark, little whose abasement.
Speaker 3 (30:29):
What do you call this? It's my shamcave. This is
where I go to get away from everything. It's like
my safe space.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
I come down here, I watch football. Everything's perfect.
Speaker 14 (30:37):
Ah, I see, I also have what you call a
safe space. It's called bow Moral Castle. It's a castle,
so it's more like a safe castle.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Sorry, excuse me, no, pardon me? Have you been drinking?
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Listen?
Speaker 14 (30:53):
Oh, just a nip to keep the frost off me toes.
You know, little Gin and Tonic goes a long way
to sleep.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
Mad better not?
Speaker 14 (31:02):
Oh okay, here we are off first stop.
Speaker 13 (31:10):
Just look over there and tell me what you see?
Speaker 3 (31:12):
That's Elmer Cratchett's house again? Why are we here again?
Speaker 13 (31:16):
And what do you hear?
Speaker 3 (31:17):
Nothing? Why is it so quiet?
Speaker 13 (31:20):
Oh? Elmer has gone to the graveyard on this day?
Speaker 3 (31:23):
Wait?
Speaker 1 (31:24):
Wait, why did Elmer go to the graveyard?
Speaker 19 (31:31):
Dear well coush rever, I went to the churchyard today.
Speaker 6 (31:36):
I wish she could have gone with me.
Speaker 19 (31:39):
It would have done your heart good to see how
sweet and green a place it is. I promised Tiny
Tim i'd visit him every Sunday.
Speaker 6 (31:47):
Traffic's actually wasn't too bad.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Oh that's cruel, cruel is Can't you give me one
ray of hope that I may change all that? I mean,
I'm not a huge fan of kids, but that sucks
that Elmer's sad like that? Is there anything I can
do to make sure Tiny Tim could live?
Speaker 13 (32:01):
We do have some other business to attend to.
Speaker 14 (32:04):
Would you you know, would you like a nip at
the gin bottle?
Speaker 3 (32:07):
Tempting?
Speaker 14 (32:08):
But no?
Speaker 3 (32:10):
Or are you taking me now?
Speaker 6 (32:12):
Well?
Speaker 13 (32:12):
Doesn't this office look familiar?
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Hold on, this is a Gary and Shannon show office.
Why are those people going through my desk? I have
no idea what happened to her? I just know that
she's gone. When did she get fired?
Speaker 3 (32:24):
I heard she got fired last night and threw.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
A fit like red faced, hair pulling, kicking and screaming.
Speaker 3 (32:32):
And you know, she was wearing like a sailor.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
I mean the guy from HR ended up in tears
before she even got to the elevators.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
I can't believe she didn't even take this stuff with her.
You want this boom shaka lama. I'm gonna take the
pineapple mosaic.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
Oh yeah, she totally wanted me to have this old
charger helmet.
Speaker 3 (32:50):
Oh and look in the fridge two full bottles of
some overly fermented kombucha.
Speaker 15 (32:57):
You know what, I think I was the only person
and she never called ass face.
Speaker 3 (33:02):
Oh my god, that practically makes you her best friend. Huh,
bottom's up? Watch this. Look at me. I'm Shannon, I'm blonde,
I say things on the radio. I swear like a sailor.
I'm shinning. Let me try. I'm Shanni.
Speaker 17 (33:19):
I know a lot about football, and a unicorn is
my spirit animal.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
Glug glug glug. Hey, let's style it back.
Speaker 14 (33:28):
You ask clouds, try as you might, they won't be
able to hear you from this realm.
Speaker 3 (33:33):
This realm. What do you mean this realm?
Speaker 14 (33:35):
Well, we only exist between time here, a dimension carved
out of the universe, from the from the from the Sorry,
that was the gin talking. How about one more tug
from a bottle.
Speaker 3 (33:48):
I'm starting to think you may have a drinking problem.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
It's an American thing. Oh gross, it smells here. What
is that awful sound? And that experimental banjo and kazoo
concerto was brought to us by Modesto's own Flaky Skin Barkley.
(34:16):
I'm Shannon Murray Farren, and this is Midnight Roadhouse on
KMOD Modesto Public Radio. A reminder that later in the evening,
as we travel this lonesome, dusty night together, we'll be
(34:37):
joined by random long haul truckers who call in and
share their feelings in the segment we call safe Space
Truck Stop ten. Four good buddies. Now back to our
overnight special, new to Midnight Roadhouse and our Modesto Public
(34:57):
Radio family, Chin Percoletti and his sitar version of Justin
Bieber Classics. I'm Shannon Marie Farren, and this is Midnight
Roadhouse on KMOD Modesto Public Radio. Liz, seriously, are these
(35:20):
shadows of things that will be, or shadows of things
that maybe.
Speaker 14 (35:23):
Oooh, look at the time, I really must be going.
Prince Philip has been begging me for a role in
the proverbial ay, and the last time we shagged, we
ended up doing it twice in the butler's pantry.
Speaker 13 (35:37):
If you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
Wait, No, there's no way I'm gonna do overnights in Modesto.
Speaker 6 (35:43):
No way.
Speaker 3 (35:45):
Why show me this?
Speaker 1 (35:46):
If I am past all hope, tell me I can
change these dreadful shadows you have shown me. I will
honor Christmas in my heart. I'll try to keep it.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
All the year. I'll be nice, I'll swear lass. Actually,
I'll try to smoil a little less. Liz, Please tell
me I can change this.
Speaker 1 (35:58):
I beg you, Liz.
Speaker 3 (36:02):
I promise. I promise on my knees. I promise.
Speaker 13 (36:06):
Is that? Is that? Is that?
Speaker 8 (36:09):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (36:10):
Come all ye faithful on the sitar. Hold a minute,
Hold on a minute. This isn't Modesto. This is Burbank.
I'm back at the KFI studios and.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
The sun the sun is shining, it's clear, it's bright,
no clouds. What a beautiful day, Oh, glorious glorious.
Speaker 3 (36:30):
Hey boy, oh boy, excuse me? Since when do you
call me boy? Sorry?
Speaker 1 (36:35):
Pronouns and descriptors pretty touchy minefield these days.
Speaker 3 (36:38):
Technically it might be correct. What's the day today? What
do you mean like national Jelly don't day?
Speaker 7 (36:43):
I mean?
Speaker 3 (36:43):
What day is it today?
Speaker 1 (36:46):
Why?
Speaker 3 (36:46):
It's the twenty fifth of December. It's Christmas Day.
Speaker 20 (36:49):
I'm actually Jewish, though, so I'm not as infatuated by
the day as most people. So I'll probably just catch
the new Timothy Shallome movie or hit the new Chinese
food spot Christmas Day.
Speaker 3 (37:00):
But then I haven't missed it. The spirits have done
it all in all in one night. They did it
all in one night. How's that, ma'am? Listen, my lad,
Do you know where the poletr is? The poulterer is
in the next street?
Speaker 20 (37:15):
Do you mean the whole Foods across the street? They
sell poultry. It's right across the street.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
An intelligent boy, a remarkable boy, I think. Tell me,
do you know if they've sold the prize turkey that was.
Speaker 3 (37:24):
Hanging in the window, the one as big as me?
Speaker 13 (37:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (37:26):
Yeah, that one. But yes, there's a turkey hanging in
the window. Now that's awesome. Here's a couple bucks.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
Go tell them to send the turkey to Elmer Cratchit's family,
and don't tell them who paid for it. Oh and
here's a unicorn sticker for your trouble.
Speaker 20 (37:37):
Oh wow, thanks for the unicorn sticker. That'll go a
long way. But hey, Merry Christmas.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
And a Merry Christmas to you, my boy. Ugh, I
don't know what to do. I'm light as a feather
and happy as an angel, and I am not hungover.
Hey you there down the hall, Merry Christmas.
Speaker 3 (37:56):
You know what I should do?
Speaker 8 (38:02):
Hello? This is Christine.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
Christine, this is Shannon Scrooge.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Didn't you call here yesterday looking to raise money for
Lobby Joe the Lobster.
Speaker 8 (38:11):
Es ma'am, I'm not sure you are being nice to me.
You know I can usually tell when someone that's making
light of Lobby Joe.
Speaker 1 (38:18):
Well, put this in your pipe and smoke it. Merry
Christmas to you and to Lobby Joe.
Speaker 8 (38:25):
Well, thank you.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
Allow me to ask your pardon, Christine.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
I want to donate twelve Gary and Shannon T shirts
to the Lobby Joe Foundation.
Speaker 11 (38:35):
Bless we.
Speaker 7 (38:37):
Missus.
Speaker 8 (38:37):
Scrooge, Are you serious?
Speaker 1 (38:39):
You're damn right, and I'm gonna throw in a unicorn
finger puppet that you can do with well, whatever you wish.
Speaker 11 (38:46):
Oh may, with such a generous Chris gift, you've changed
the lives of countings crustaceans. Never again shallon arthropod be
subjected to the tortures of a boiling pot of anny.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
Yeah, I gotta go before I change my mind. By
Christine Merry.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
Christmas next morning, Scrooge was early at the radio station.
She went early for a reason, if she could only
be there first and catch Elmer Cratchet coming in late.
When Elmer did show up late, Elmer, yes, you're late.
Speaker 6 (39:18):
I'm very sorry, man, I'm behind my time.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
You are, Yes, yes, I think you are.
Speaker 4 (39:25):
It's only once a year, Missus Scrooge shall not be repeated.
Speaker 6 (39:30):
I was making rather marry Yes, Mary, I'll.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
Tell you what, my friend. I'll not stand this sort
of thing any longer. And therefore, Elmer Cratchit, I'm about
to raise your salary.
Speaker 6 (39:42):
I'm not sure what's going on. Do you feel okay?
Speaker 15 (39:48):
No?
Speaker 1 (39:48):
I mean yes, I had a great Christmas. You get
a raise, and we'll see what we can do about
that boy of yours.
Speaker 6 (39:53):
What's his name Tiny Tim. You want to help Tiny Tim?
Speaker 3 (39:57):
Of course I do.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
But before we do anything, why don't you go over
there and bump up that thermist at a few degrees?
Speaker 3 (40:02):
What do you say?
Speaker 2 (40:05):
Scrooge was better than her word. She did it all
and infinitely more to Tiny Tim, who did not die.
She was like a mother, and she became a softer person,
a good person, and as good a person as the
city of Burbank or Greater Los Angeles ever knew. Some
unknowing people still flinched around her, shied away from her,
(40:25):
but they were greeted with a warm smile and a
warmer hug. She never saw the Spirits again, but would
often spend time in the Shan Cave reliving one of
the greatest moments in all of sports history.
Speaker 13 (40:40):
Love me throwing an ange.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
It will always be said of Shannon Scrooge that she
knew how to keep Christmas swell.
Speaker 3 (40:59):
If anyone alive possessed the knowledge.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
May that be truly said of us and all of us,
And so as Tiny Tim would say, God bless us everyone.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Great job, everybody, Great job Gary, great job Gary.
Speaker 13 (41:22):
You've been listening to the Gary and Shannon Show.
Speaker 5 (41:24):
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty nine am to one pm every Monday through Friday,
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is Gary and Shannon and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Gary and Shannon Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Welcome to Gary and Shannon's a Christmas Carol on KFI.
There are some things that never change. Love is one
of them, and in those places we find the most love,
we can often find the most frustration. As we've seen
for millennia, families can be both the greatest source of
(00:32):
love and an endless well of frustration.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Some of the most heated and grievous dust ups.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Occur around the holidays, and our nerves are thin and
our wallets thinner.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
But even in times when.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Uncle Fred's farts sting your eyes and Grandma's vodka gimlet
flavored kisses drown even the merriest of us all. Everyone
agrees that the world's most beloved Christmas story is Charles
Dickens A Christmas Carol. This is not that, But when
Dickens presented this little story to the world one hundred
(01:05):
and seventy five years ago, it found an instant response
in the hearts of people everywhere realized it was their
favorite fictional chronicle of what Christmas is and what Christmas
means to all the simple people of the earth. So
without further ado, and with the spirit of the season
coursing through our veins, we proudly present Gary and Shannon's
(01:26):
a Christmas Carol on KFI. First a land acknowledgment. We
are on Land. Marley was dead, there was no doubt
about it. After years of international stardom as a reggae icon,
a toe cancer spread to his brain and he passed
(01:48):
in a hospital in Miami. But the spirit of Christmas
still mister narrator, that's the wrong Marley.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
This is the story of Jacob Marley, not Marley.
Speaker 5 (02:02):
Actually, Michael Elmer. We're saying Gary Marley today. Not sure
if I put that in there, we might be on
the same script.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
I don't know, got it? Got it?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Yeah, Gary Marley. I'll just adjust on the fly. Gary
was dead, there was no doubt about it. The register
of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk,
the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it, and
Shannon Scrooge's name was good upon change for anything she
(02:31):
chose to put her hand to.
Speaker 5 (02:33):
Old Gary was as dead as it did. You know,
just a second I'm sorry, and we're gonna adjust on
the fly. Instead, we're just gonna say Gary's on vacation.
It just seems a little dark. Maybe easier to swallow,
so easier to explain to huge knew Gary was on vacation.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Of course she did.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Gary and Shannon were partners for years, but she was
a tight fisted hand at the grindstone was screwed, huge, squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous,
old sinner, And once upon a time of all the
good days in the year, on Christmas Eve, old Shannon
(03:17):
Scrooge sat busy in her radio studio, a grim, cheerless place,
if ever there was one. The door of Scrooge's studio
was open that she might keep an eye on her
boardop Elmer Elmer cratchit, who when a cold and dismal
little studio beyond worked on his ledgers.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
Twenty twenty one, twenty two. All I Want for Christmas
is You twenty three, twenty six, twenty nine nine, carries
two eleven thirteen, seventeen seven, Make my wish come June.
Speaker 6 (03:58):
Yes, yes, missus.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
Screw stop that infernal catterwauling.
Speaker 4 (04:04):
Yes, ma'am, nine fifteen seventeen twenty one, carry the one.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
All the Impudence Coast plays their idiotic Christmas carols earlier
and earlier every year.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
They've been playing this music since the fifth of July.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Elmer Cratchit, turn off the damn Christmas music.
Speaker 6 (04:27):
But missus Scrooge, it's Christmas time.
Speaker 4 (04:31):
It's time to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior,
and in such a joyous time for all of us.
And what better way to celebrate than move you carry?
Speaker 7 (04:42):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
I love that Christmas elmar You're fired.
Speaker 6 (04:48):
Sure thing, Missus Scrooge.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
Wait, on second thought, you're not fired yet. I need
to go down to the sales department. Tell them to
get you the final copy for those commercials Hu.
Speaker 6 (05:00):
We're all expecting to lead the office early for the holiday.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
Do I care about the holiday? I want my commercial
copy today.
Speaker 6 (05:11):
I just thought it being Christmas eve.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Ma'am, Christmas Christmas. You mentioned the word once more, elmer Cratchit,
and all.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
Merry Christmas, Shannon, Merry Christmas, Omer, Merry Christmas.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
Will God save you Shannon? Seriously, bah, humbug Christmas? A
humbug Shannon.
Speaker 6 (05:34):
Now I'm sure you don't mean.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
I mean it, just exactly that. Merry Christmas. Why are
you so merry?
Speaker 8 (05:41):
Oh?
Speaker 9 (05:41):
Come now, missus Scrooge. What right have you to be
dismal about Christmas? Shannon, You're a mostly popular radio host.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me, but
I can but I can't help that I'm popular. Wait, well,
why did you come in here? You want a Christmas gift?
Your uncle Gary is on vacation.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
Oh sorry, that's you. I came to wish No, not you,
that's will it is. Yeah, I came to wish you
a merry Christmas.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Check, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. A lot of good Christmas
is done for you. You got to work on Christmas.
Speaker 9 (06:16):
I have always thought of Christmas time as a good time,
a kind, for giving, charitable, pleasant time, just like holiday
magic at Disneyland, or shots at Dodger Stadium or shots
of Dodger Stadium from five thousand feet up. Christmas has
definitely never put a scrap of gold or silver in
my pocket. But I do believe it has done me
good and will do me good. And I say, God,
(06:40):
bless it, God bless Christmas.
Speaker 6 (06:43):
Hoorah.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Em Sorry, let me hear another sound out of you there,
Elm or crotch it, and you'll keep your Christmas by
losing your situation.
Speaker 6 (06:53):
I'm not sure what that means.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
I'll fire you so you can go celebrate Christmas jobless
with your family.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
Duff, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 9 (07:02):
Oh, don't be angry, Shannon. I want nothing from you.
I ask nothing of you. Why can't we be friend?
Speaker 3 (07:08):
Good afternoon.
Speaker 6 (07:10):
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Well, I've tried. Merry Christmas to you.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
Good afternoon, happy too, seriously, ba humbug and.
Speaker 9 (07:22):
A merry Christmas to you, Elmer and your family.
Speaker 6 (07:25):
Oh, and to tiny Tim. Same to you, Richie.
Speaker 5 (07:28):
But say will will say to you?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Why?
Speaker 10 (07:32):
Helmer?
Speaker 6 (07:34):
Okay, it's not perfect.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
I hope you become a Sigler on your way home.
That's really not nice. Uh, Elmer, what are you doing?
Speaker 4 (07:46):
Uh? I'm going to change the thermosta in the studio.
See it's so cold, and.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
H stop it right there?
Speaker 1 (07:53):
How can I complain to the boss about how cold
it is in here? If you turn up the thermostat,
maybe you should mix in some long pants into that wardrobe.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
I'm sorry, man, my fingers are getting a little stiff
with the cold. It's hard to run the board with
stiff fingers.
Speaker 6 (08:11):
Studios hotline.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
Well, see who it is?
Speaker 8 (08:19):
Hello, Hello, I.
Speaker 7 (08:21):
Think it's Christine. I'm calling in behalf of the Lobby
Joe Foundation. We're a Canadian based foundation dedicated to the
freedom of all crustaceans and various arthropods.
Speaker 8 (08:29):
And I was wondering I might speak to the host
of the radio show.
Speaker 6 (08:33):
Oh, very good, ma'am, it's Reue.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
Who is it.
Speaker 8 (08:38):
Have I the pleasure of addressing Gary or Shannon?
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Seriously?
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Gary's been dead these seven years tonight Wait, I mean
he's on vacation.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
I'm screwed, Shannon.
Speaker 8 (08:52):
Channing, screwge.
Speaker 7 (08:54):
At this season of the year, it's only fitting that
those who are more fortunate, with the more developed limbic
system should raise a fun to buy the por some
meat and drink and pains of warmth for lobsters. And
right now in restaurants through North America, there are lobsters.
Speaker 11 (09:06):
Swimming in Pasay.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
I remember you, you're that kuk who let out the
Lobster's circa twenty eighteen. I think, aren't you a crustacean
version of a progressive da you know, let out all
the criminals or lobsters just in time for the holidays.
Speaker 8 (09:23):
Well, there are plenty of restaurants, ma'am, and I feel like.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
In sushi houses.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Yeah, those are still in operation, I trust well.
Speaker 8 (09:33):
I wish I could say they are not, but they are,
My lady.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Glad to hear that.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
I was afraid from what you said at first, that
someone was gonna outlob butter because it can be used
to make that lobster taste.
Speaker 8 (09:44):
So good about a few of us up on change.
Speaker 7 (09:47):
You're endeavoring to raise a fund for further provisions, you see,
allowing not just crustaceans, but all of our animal brothers
and sisters to.
Speaker 8 (09:53):
Live lives without fear of being turned into a bit.
So what donation? Shall I put you down?
Speaker 3 (09:58):
For nothing?
Speaker 8 (10:00):
Oh? I see you wish to remain anonymous.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
I wish to be left alone. You know what, lady,
you're a nutbag. You really think a lobster cares if
it becomes dinner?
Speaker 3 (10:08):
Elmer? Hang up on.
Speaker 4 (10:09):
Her, Christine, I'm sorry I couldn't help overhear it.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
Hang up on her?
Speaker 6 (10:16):
And I would love to give a donation, Elmer, Yes, mean.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
I look at the time.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
Now it's too late for you to go talk to
the salespeople. They'll be closed up for Christmas, just like
other fools. Speaking of which I suppose you'll want like
the entire day off tomorrow.
Speaker 6 (10:39):
That would be so awesome. I mean, if that's okay
with you.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
It's not okay.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
It's not very christ like Elmer Christ never takes Christmas off.
But I suppose I can't do anything about it. If
you don't get paid for a day of work, you'd
be so pissed.
Speaker 6 (10:57):
Well, yeah, most people, but.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
You do want to get paid for a day of
not working.
Speaker 6 (11:04):
Come on, it's once a year.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Fine, Let's just make sure you're here earlier the next morning.
You understand, like, I want you here before Neil feels
in for handle.
Speaker 6 (11:14):
Oh, I will, I will.
Speaker 4 (11:16):
Indeed, good night, Good night, Shannon, and a Merry Christmas
to you.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
So what we're doing now, seriously, everything is Merry Christmas, Jesus,
Mary and Joseph.
Speaker 6 (11:28):
Marry Christmas.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Ever, stay tuned for the next day of Gary and
Shannon's a Christmas Carol.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
When we hear Shannon Scrooge.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Say three spirits like whiskey, vodka and gin next on KFI.
Speaker 10 (11:47):
You're listening to Gary and Shannon on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Welcome back to Gary and Shannon's a Christmas Carol on
k FI that Christmas Eve, the radio station was dim
the elevator's dark. At the end of the workday on
Christmas Eve, Elmer Cratchett bounded down the back stairway in
his retro T shirt, corduroy jacket, and black vans, the
(12:17):
s eating grin on his face, belying the truth he
holds most dear. Christmas is his favorite holiday. He floated
all the way through traffic all the way home. Shannon Scrooge,
on the other hand, stop by the mailroom to pick
up her weekly shipment of football media guides and injury reports.
(12:38):
Scrooge avoided conversations on the way home, which isn't hard
to do considering her resting bitch face. When she got home,
she clambered down her rickety old staircase to her dark
and depressing Shan cave to fall asleep watching highlights of
the forty nine Ers, the Old forty nine Ers, the
Bill Wash, Joe Montana, j White Clark, forty nine Ers,
(13:01):
and that'll be a.
Speaker 9 (13:01):
First down for the forty nine ers.
Speaker 12 (13:03):
They had white bark on a planting over the middle.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
He was, Gary? Is that is that you? I saw? Old? Humbug?
Gary's been dead these seven years.
Speaker 13 (13:16):
We're saying vacation person.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
That's what we're doing. Okay, changing the story completely. Humbug,
all humbug.
Speaker 6 (13:22):
What I need?
Speaker 3 (13:23):
What I need is a good night's sleep. What's that.
Speaker 8 (13:34):
Chat?
Speaker 13 (13:35):
Gary?
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Oh?
Speaker 14 (13:38):
No, what do you want of me?
Speaker 3 (13:40):
I ask much of you? Show you ask much of me?
Who even talks like that? Who are you ask me?
Who I was?
Speaker 6 (13:50):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (13:50):
Holy hell? All right? Then who were you?
Speaker 5 (13:52):
I was your co host? I was on the Gary
and Change Gary Hoffman.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
But you're dead. You died seven years ago. Should we
just decided death was? That's not gonna work. Wait, so
you're not a ghost?
Speaker 8 (14:04):
Then?
Speaker 5 (14:04):
Actually, you know what, fine? Still a ghost? It works
better in the story. So what's wrong?
Speaker 8 (14:09):
Shannon?
Speaker 13 (14:10):
Don't you believe in me?
Speaker 8 (14:11):
I do?
Speaker 3 (14:11):
Not you doubt your senses?
Speaker 13 (14:14):
Shannon?
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Well, yeah, I mean think about it. I haven't had
to drop an alcohol in fifty one weeks. My deep
sleep scores have been off the charts, and I've had
a lot of weird dreams since trying those new melatonin gummies.
So yeah, chances are you are a a figment of
my over active imagination or shall I say pigment?
Speaker 5 (14:31):
No, you're right the first time, figment. It's figment of
your imagination. And by the way, would a figment of
your imagination be able to do this?
Speaker 3 (14:41):
Look at that movie Show me the booty, Give me
the booty.
Speaker 13 (14:44):
Yeah, WoT the booty?
Speaker 3 (14:45):
Back up the booty. I need the booty. I like
the booty.
Speaker 13 (14:48):
You want a booty.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
Shake of that booty. I saw the booty. I want
the booty. Lord.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
No, no, no, no, no stop stop, stops up, spot.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
I do believe in you. Right, you are a ghost, Gary,
Thank you? But why are you and my my shaedcave Well?
Speaker 5 (15:02):
It is required of every person that the non gender
specific spirit within him or her should walk around abroad
among their fellow person and travel far and wide to
witness what it cannot share but might have shared on
earth and turned to happiness.
Speaker 3 (15:17):
I have been to Estonia? Are you asking if I've
been to a Stoney?
Speaker 8 (15:20):
Oh?
Speaker 13 (15:21):
I know you've been to Aestony.
Speaker 5 (15:22):
You tell us all the time about Estonian pancakes. Do
you know that no space of regret can make amends
for one's life's opportunities misused.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
But you were always a good man of business, Gary.
Speaker 5 (15:34):
Business mankind was my business, I should say, non gender
specific person kind was my business. Clarity, mercy, charity, benevolence,
they were all my business. The dealings of my trade
were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean
of my business.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Listen to me, share, I'm listening to you, Gary, but
don't be so flowers.
Speaker 5 (15:56):
I am here to warn you that you have yet
a chance of hoh of escaping my fate.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
Do you mean the fate of going on vacation?
Speaker 5 (16:04):
Yes, I mean no dying with regrets. You know what
just dropped the vacation thing. I figured you will be
haunted by three spirits.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Spirits like whiskey, vodka, and jim like I mean, like
I said earlier, I'm not much of a drinker anymore.
Speaker 5 (16:24):
Three spirits like the weird baby that lives under your stairs.
It is your only chance and hope.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Well, then I think I'd rather.
Speaker 5 (16:31):
Not without their visits. You cannot hope to shine the
path I tread. Expect the first tomorrow when you hear
the trumpets of Jesus.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Can I just get them all at once, get it
over with, like the whole Dennis ericson Mike Nolan era
of the forty nine ers. Do you even remember who
the leading passer was under? Dennis ericson timra to tim
effing retee torture.
Speaker 5 (16:53):
Look, but for your own sake, you'll remember what has
passed between us, and remember when the trumpets of Jesus sound.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Look for the first Spirit.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Gary Gary Shannon awoke.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
She was lying on her Shan couch in the Shan.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Cave, wearing her brock, Herdy Jersey, comfy sweats, and stylish
but shabby sheet sneakers. Suddenly, the door leading to the
Shan Cave slammed shut and the stairs creaked. She found
herself face to face with an unearthly visitor. It was
(17:32):
a strange figure, like a child, yet not so like
a child, is like a man. It's hair thick, black
and strong. The face had not a wrinkle in it
thanks to a fresh botox touch up, and the spirit
wore a glow, a fresh, tight, crisp glow.
Speaker 3 (17:50):
Shannon screwed. Uh who is that? Shannon screwed? I have
come for you, oh oh you uh?
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Richie producer Richie is that you are.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
You the spirit who's coming was foretold me. I am
the ghost of Christmas past? Like how long pass?
Speaker 6 (18:11):
No?
Speaker 3 (18:12):
I am not falling for that trick. A ghost never
tells his age. What do you want of me? What
brings you here to haunt me? Your welfare?
Speaker 15 (18:20):
Shannon Scrooge, Rise and walk with me through the skies?
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Oh? Wait, like Jasmine and Aladdin and the Disney movie,
We're gonna fly through the sky, Superman and Lois More.
Speaker 15 (18:30):
Like Britney Spears. We're getting high and then heading north
and we're going fast.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Ritchie, where are we? What happened to Burdbank? Wait, there's
a bunch of fuck? Is that the Golden gate Bridge?
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Richie?
Speaker 15 (18:48):
These are the shadows of the things that have been
You recognize this country side?
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Oh? I know every inch of it, every rock, every tree,
and that bleak building over there, Francis Scott Key Elementary School.
That's my school. The nuns hated me.
Speaker 15 (19:02):
Come, let's go closer. Look through the window into that cold,
barren room. What do you see, Shannon Scrooge.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
Oh, I see a little girl. Wait, that's me.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Back when my hair was blonde, actually blonde, and I
wore that stupid Catholic school uniform.
Speaker 15 (19:19):
In truth, we all know your hair was never ripply blonde.
Shut up, Riggie, your lips are trembling. Scrooge's what does
this image make you feel?
Speaker 3 (19:29):
Nothing except the V neck sweater should have stayed in
the eighties.
Speaker 15 (19:33):
Come, Shannon, Scrooge, let us see another Christmas. It's what
about this Christmas from a time of your Is it familiar?
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Oh yeah, this is a keg party at Chico State
Sigma New I think it was Sigma Nu House, so
check it out. There's that one guy we called bezzy Wig.
That guy could do a keg stand at empty the
damn thing. Oh what a jolly time we used to have.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
Sesziwood gives total bottom energy.
Speaker 15 (20:06):
What about that carefree young woman with the light heart
and smile?
Speaker 3 (20:10):
Do you recognize her?
Speaker 8 (20:11):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Yes, merciful heaven. How happy I was then? And drunk?
I mean I was pretty dammered that night. Pretty sure this.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Is one of the nights I got in trouble for
urinating in public.
Speaker 15 (20:22):
A small matter of old Fezziwig to make those silly
folks so full of joy.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Oh, man, if Fezziwig was having a good time, we
were all having a good time. But I think he
flunked out. I know he was on some sort of
academic probation. But he lived in the Sigma New House
until he was like thirty three years old. Oh wait,
maybe that was Elmer. Anyway, he lived in the house
until he was thirty three.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
L like Elmer crotch it. What is the matter?
Speaker 15 (20:49):
Oh nothing at all, Richie, something I think.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Well, only it's just that I should like to be
able to say a word or two to Elmer cratch it.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
That's all.
Speaker 15 (21:01):
Well, listen, I gotta check in on this so we
can wrap this up with one more journey.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
Where now come with me.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
A lot of.
Speaker 13 (21:18):
Bottle it and a little bout hey.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Shannon West here along for the ride on one A
three point five Hot Country khs L plank back to
back to back hot country hit stick around for Toby Keith,
Keith Urban and Channai Dwayne.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
But first these days.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
From my favorite guys in Taijian radscal Flats Hot Country
one A three point five.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
This is our last visit to the past.
Speaker 15 (21:43):
Shannon, here in this little room, do you recognize yourself screwed?
Speaker 3 (21:48):
No, No, spare me this.
Speaker 15 (21:51):
You're older now a woman the prime of life, a
country radio DJ.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
Your face has begun to weather signs of care.
Speaker 15 (21:59):
You clearly need a chemical peel and just a touch
of my favorite Botoks.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
No, no, no, please, she knows it too, that girl
in that radio station.
Speaker 6 (22:10):
Hey, listen, Blondie.
Speaker 12 (22:12):
I know this is your first real radio job, and
I'm your first program director. But this is the hard
part of my job. We're gonna have to let you go.
The radio business changing and we're just a bit behind
the curve. I mean, that is, unless you could think
of something creative to bring us back from the brink
of bankruptcy.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
Why doesn't she say anything? She's got ideas, I had ideas.
Speaker 12 (22:36):
Oh, at first, it may cause you pain to lose
this job, a very brief pain, But soon it will
be dim like a half remembered dream, nonprofitable dream, and
when you wake up you get a better job with
a future. But maybe you could be a manager at
West Seal or work customer service for America Online.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
It's wet Seal and show me no more, Take me home.
Speaker 15 (23:03):
These were shadows of things that have been. They are
what they are. Don't blame me, girl.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
No no more. I don't even like Rascal Flats.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Stay tuned for the next stave of Gary and Shannon's
a Christmas Carol.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
When we hear Elmer Cratchett say.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
Now you listen here, tiny tim It's Christmas Eve and
we must be charitable on Christmas Eve.
Speaker 3 (23:29):
Next on KFI.
Speaker 10 (23:34):
You're listening to Gary and Shannon on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Welcome back to Gary and Shannon's a Christmas Carol on KFI.
Speaker 6 (23:46):
I listen to the tet of Jesus.
Speaker 12 (23:51):
Girl.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
From the first blast of the Trumpets of Jesus. Shannon
awakened suddenly and sat bolt upright on her Shan couch.
She remembered the words of Gary's ghost and wondered from
wish direction the second specter would appear. As she rubbed
the sleep from her eyes, she realized her Shan cave
had changed. A door appeared under the stairs where boxes
(24:14):
once lay stacked, a studio door as if it were
connected to her on air studio, and from inside the
door a voice called to Shannon Scrooge.
Speaker 16 (24:26):
Come in, Come in, Shannon Scrooge, and know me better.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
Woman.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
You wait, you you're Heather Brooker, right, the newest Hire
in the KFI newsroom.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
I am the ghost of Christmas present. Look upon me.
You have never seen the likes of me before.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
You're You're different from the other Spirit. Richie likes to
hug peeple. Please tell me you don't like to hug people.
Speaker 16 (24:50):
Nope, no hugs here, just life lessons. Spirit, take me
where you will.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Last time I went against my will and learned a
lesson which is working. Now.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
If you have any to teach me, let me profit
by it.
Speaker 16 (25:02):
Touch my robe, Shannon, touch my robe.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
I'm gonna pull the car over right here. I'm pretty
sure Hr wouldn't want me touching the robe of a
co worker. How about we just pretend I touched a
robe and color a day.
Speaker 13 (25:17):
Well as you wish.
Speaker 6 (25:18):
Very well?
Speaker 3 (25:18):
Then, okay, So what are we looking at?
Speaker 16 (25:23):
Where have you brought me a humble dwelling on a
humble street, Yet there is happiness here?
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Who are these people?
Speaker 16 (25:31):
These are the family of your clok Elma Cratchet. Oh,
I smell so good in here, see Elma and his
boy Tiny Tim.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
Let's listen in Scrooge.
Speaker 6 (25:43):
Well, Well, well, wasn't that a great church service? Tiny Tim?
Speaker 3 (25:48):
As good as gold and better?
Speaker 6 (25:52):
It sure was Tiny Tim.
Speaker 17 (25:54):
I hope everyone in the church saw me tonight.
Speaker 6 (25:56):
Why is that, Tiny Tim? Why did you want them
to see you?
Speaker 17 (26:00):
I hope the people saw me in the church because
I am a cripple and it might be pleasant for
them to remember upon Christmas Day? Who made the lame
to walk in the blind to see?
Speaker 3 (26:12):
Boy? This kid is killing me. You're lucky they can't
see you. They'd give you a piece of that mind me.
What could they possibly have against me? Listening?
Speaker 4 (26:24):
Hey, little buddy, let's give a toast to Shannon Scrooge
on this Christmas Eve.
Speaker 6 (26:30):
To Shannon Scrooge, the founder of the feast.
Speaker 14 (26:33):
I wish she was here.
Speaker 17 (26:34):
I'd give her a piece of my mind to feast upon,
and I hope she had good appetite for it.
Speaker 6 (26:39):
Now listen here, tony tom. Hmm.
Speaker 4 (26:41):
It's Christmas Eve and we must be charitable on Christmas Eve.
Speaker 17 (26:46):
Then I'll drink for her health for your sake, but
not for hers. So ilive her in a happy new year.
Speaker 4 (26:54):
If she cannot be happy, then we mustn't be happy
for her spirit.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
Tell me if Tiny Tim will live, I don't think
I can stand hear Elmer baby talking to tiny Tim
for the rest of this little dream.
Speaker 16 (27:09):
I see a fireplace hath and a small cane next
to it, with no tiny Tim to be found.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Crap that sucks, you.
Speaker 16 (27:17):
See, Shannon, Scrooge, There is nothing of high mark in
all this. They are not a handsome family, these Crashets.
They are not well dressed, Their shoes are far from
being waterproof, their clothes are scanty. But they are happy, grateful,
pleased with one another, and content with the time.
Speaker 4 (27:36):
So tiny Tim, I've been thinking we could do a
podcast together that's all about the existence of aliens and
three I Atlas comment and life giving energy that they
want to spread to humanity.
Speaker 6 (27:51):
What'd you say, a little guy, What.
Speaker 17 (27:53):
A grand idea, Papa Elmer, A grand idea. Indeed, God
bless us everyone.
Speaker 16 (27:59):
My life upon this globe is very brief, Scrooge, It
ends tonight.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
Whoa spirit tonight?
Speaker 10 (28:06):
Know this?
Speaker 16 (28:08):
I could rack up frequent flyer miles by taking you
all over, showing you people in dire circumstances with smiles
on their faces, finding joy and what many people see
as less than ideal conditions.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
But you know how this goes. I show you.
Speaker 16 (28:22):
People you think should be sad, and they are happy
despite their conditions.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
Plus, like I said, I gotta go. But what if
I want to see more stuff?
Speaker 16 (28:30):
The more stuff you will have to learn from still
another spirit.
Speaker 3 (28:34):
But since I've got your ear, do you validate parking?
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Stay tuned for the next stable Garyan Shannon's Ay Christmas Carol.
When we hear the ghost of Christmas yet to come say.
Speaker 14 (28:53):
Then you know we did it twice in the butlersh.
Speaker 13 (28:57):
Pantry if you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
Next on KFI.
Speaker 10 (29:03):
You're listening to Gary and Shannon on Demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Welcome back to Gary and Shannon's a Christmas Carol on KFI.
With two of the three promised spirits having visited Shannon
in her slumber, she rose once again from the shancouch,
searching the Shan Cave for the ghost that had just vanished,
And once again she found herself in the crumpled jersey
(29:32):
of a former football grate stained sweats and funky socks.
But then she heard the trumpets of Jesus.
Speaker 18 (29:41):
Jesus did she remembered the prediction of her old partner,
Gary Marley, and lifting up her eyes, she beheld the
third spirit, a solemn phantom, shrouded in royal blue, draped
and stooped, slowly shuffling towards her, but with a regal
nature befitting royalty.
Speaker 13 (30:04):
Hey wait a minute, I know you, Queen Liz.
Speaker 3 (30:12):
Listen. I'm not gonna lie, Liz.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
If you're the ghost of Christmas future, I'm more afraid
of you than any of those others.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
But I know why you're here in times of wasting.
So chop, chop, let's go not so fast.
Speaker 14 (30:23):
I've traveled quite a distance from the ethereal realm to
this dark, little whose abasement.
Speaker 3 (30:29):
What do you call this? It's my shamcave. This is
where I go to get away from everything. It's like
my safe space.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
I come down here, I watch football. Everything's perfect.
Speaker 14 (30:37):
Ah, I see, I also have what you call a
safe space. It's called bow Moral Castle. It's a castle,
so it's more like a safe castle.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Sorry, excuse me, no, pardon me? Have you been drinking?
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Listen?
Speaker 14 (30:53):
Oh, just a nip to keep the frost off me toes.
You know, little Gin and Tonic goes a long way
to sleep.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
Mad better not?
Speaker 14 (31:02):
Oh okay, here we are off first stop.
Speaker 13 (31:10):
Just look over there and tell me what you see?
Speaker 3 (31:12):
That's Elmer Cratchett's house again? Why are we here again?
Speaker 13 (31:16):
And what do you hear?
Speaker 3 (31:17):
Nothing? Why is it so quiet?
Speaker 13 (31:20):
Oh? Elmer has gone to the graveyard on this day?
Speaker 3 (31:23):
Wait?
Speaker 1 (31:24):
Wait, why did Elmer go to the graveyard?
Speaker 19 (31:31):
Dear well coush rever, I went to the churchyard today.
Speaker 6 (31:36):
I wish she could have gone with me.
Speaker 19 (31:39):
It would have done your heart good to see how
sweet and green a place it is. I promised Tiny
Tim i'd visit him every Sunday.
Speaker 6 (31:47):
Traffic's actually wasn't too bad.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Oh that's cruel, cruel is Can't you give me one
ray of hope that I may change all that? I mean,
I'm not a huge fan of kids, but that sucks
that Elmer's sad like that? Is there anything I can
do to make sure Tiny Tim could live?
Speaker 13 (32:01):
We do have some other business to attend to.
Speaker 14 (32:04):
Would you you know, would you like a nip at
the gin bottle?
Speaker 3 (32:07):
Tempting?
Speaker 14 (32:08):
But no?
Speaker 3 (32:10):
Or are you taking me now?
Speaker 6 (32:12):
Well?
Speaker 13 (32:12):
Doesn't this office look familiar?
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Hold on, this is a Gary and Shannon show office.
Why are those people going through my desk? I have
no idea what happened to her? I just know that
she's gone. When did she get fired?
Speaker 3 (32:24):
I heard she got fired last night and threw.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
A fit like red faced, hair pulling, kicking and screaming.
Speaker 3 (32:32):
And you know, she was wearing like a sailor.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
I mean the guy from HR ended up in tears
before she even got to the elevators.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
I can't believe she didn't even take this stuff with her.
You want this boom shaka lama. I'm gonna take the
pineapple mosaic.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
Oh yeah, she totally wanted me to have this old
charger helmet.
Speaker 3 (32:50):
Oh and look in the fridge two full bottles of
some overly fermented kombucha.
Speaker 15 (32:57):
You know what, I think I was the only person
and she never called ass face.
Speaker 3 (33:02):
Oh my god, that practically makes you her best friend. Huh,
bottom's up? Watch this. Look at me. I'm Shannon, I'm blonde,
I say things on the radio. I swear like a sailor.
I'm shinning. Let me try. I'm Shanni.
Speaker 17 (33:19):
I know a lot about football, and a unicorn is
my spirit animal.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
Glug glug glug. Hey, let's style it back.
Speaker 14 (33:28):
You ask clouds, try as you might, they won't be
able to hear you from this realm.
Speaker 3 (33:33):
This realm. What do you mean this realm?
Speaker 14 (33:35):
Well, we only exist between time here, a dimension carved
out of the universe, from the from the from the Sorry,
that was the gin talking. How about one more tug
from a bottle.
Speaker 3 (33:48):
I'm starting to think you may have a drinking problem.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
It's an American thing. Oh gross, it smells here. What
is that awful sound? And that experimental banjo and kazoo
concerto was brought to us by Modesto's own Flaky Skin Barkley.
(34:16):
I'm Shannon Murray Farren, and this is Midnight Roadhouse on
KMOD Modesto Public Radio. A reminder that later in the evening,
as we travel this lonesome, dusty night together, we'll be
(34:37):
joined by random long haul truckers who call in and
share their feelings in the segment we call safe Space
Truck Stop ten. Four good buddies. Now back to our
overnight special, new to Midnight Roadhouse and our Modesto Public
(34:57):
Radio family, Chin Percoletti and his sitar version of Justin
Bieber Classics. I'm Shannon Marie Farren, and this is Midnight
Roadhouse on KMOD Modesto Public Radio. Liz, seriously, are these
(35:20):
shadows of things that will be, or shadows of things
that maybe.
Speaker 14 (35:23):
Oooh, look at the time, I really must be going.
Prince Philip has been begging me for a role in
the proverbial ay, and the last time we shagged, we
ended up doing it twice in the butler's pantry.
Speaker 13 (35:37):
If you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
Wait, No, there's no way I'm gonna do overnights in Modesto.
Speaker 6 (35:43):
No way.
Speaker 3 (35:45):
Why show me this?
Speaker 1 (35:46):
If I am past all hope, tell me I can
change these dreadful shadows you have shown me. I will
honor Christmas in my heart. I'll try to keep it.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
All the year. I'll be nice, I'll swear lass. Actually,
I'll try to smoil a little less. Liz, Please tell
me I can change this.
Speaker 1 (35:58):
I beg you, Liz.
Speaker 3 (36:02):
I promise. I promise on my knees. I promise.
Speaker 13 (36:06):
Is that? Is that? Is that?
Speaker 8 (36:09):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (36:10):
Come all ye faithful on the sitar. Hold a minute,
Hold on a minute. This isn't Modesto. This is Burbank.
I'm back at the KFI studios and.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
The sun the sun is shining, it's clear, it's bright,
no clouds. What a beautiful day, Oh, glorious glorious.
Speaker 3 (36:30):
Hey boy, oh boy, excuse me? Since when do you
call me boy? Sorry?
Speaker 1 (36:35):
Pronouns and descriptors pretty touchy minefield these days.
Speaker 3 (36:38):
Technically it might be correct. What's the day today? What
do you mean like national Jelly don't day?
Speaker 7 (36:43):
I mean?
Speaker 3 (36:43):
What day is it today?
Speaker 1 (36:46):
Why?
Speaker 3 (36:46):
It's the twenty fifth of December. It's Christmas Day.
Speaker 20 (36:49):
I'm actually Jewish, though, so I'm not as infatuated by
the day as most people. So I'll probably just catch
the new Timothy Shallome movie or hit the new Chinese
food spot Christmas Day.
Speaker 3 (37:00):
But then I haven't missed it. The spirits have done
it all in all in one night. They did it
all in one night. How's that, ma'am? Listen, my lad,
Do you know where the poletr is? The poulterer is
in the next street?
Speaker 20 (37:15):
Do you mean the whole Foods across the street? They
sell poultry. It's right across the street.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
An intelligent boy, a remarkable boy, I think. Tell me,
do you know if they've sold the prize turkey that was.
Speaker 3 (37:24):
Hanging in the window, the one as big as me?
Speaker 13 (37:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (37:26):
Yeah, that one. But yes, there's a turkey hanging in
the window. Now that's awesome. Here's a couple bucks.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
Go tell them to send the turkey to Elmer Cratchit's family,
and don't tell them who paid for it. Oh and
here's a unicorn sticker for your trouble.
Speaker 20 (37:37):
Oh wow, thanks for the unicorn sticker. That'll go a
long way. But hey, Merry Christmas.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
And a Merry Christmas to you, my boy. Ugh, I
don't know what to do. I'm light as a feather
and happy as an angel, and I am not hungover.
Hey you there down the hall, Merry Christmas.
Speaker 3 (37:56):
You know what I should do?
Speaker 8 (38:02):
Hello? This is Christine.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
Christine, this is Shannon Scrooge.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Didn't you call here yesterday looking to raise money for
Lobby Joe the Lobster.
Speaker 8 (38:11):
Es ma'am, I'm not sure you are being nice to me.
You know I can usually tell when someone that's making
light of Lobby Joe.
Speaker 1 (38:18):
Well, put this in your pipe and smoke it. Merry
Christmas to you and to Lobby Joe.
Speaker 8 (38:25):
Well, thank you.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
Allow me to ask your pardon, Christine.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
I want to donate twelve Gary and Shannon T shirts
to the Lobby Joe Foundation.
Speaker 11 (38:35):
Bless we.
Speaker 7 (38:37):
Missus.
Speaker 8 (38:37):
Scrooge, Are you serious?
Speaker 1 (38:39):
You're damn right, and I'm gonna throw in a unicorn
finger puppet that you can do with well, whatever you wish.
Speaker 11 (38:46):
Oh may, with such a generous Chris gift, you've changed
the lives of countings crustaceans. Never again shallon arthropod be
subjected to the tortures of a boiling pot of anny.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
Yeah, I gotta go before I change my mind. By
Christine Merry.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
Christmas next morning, Scrooge was early at the radio station.
She went early for a reason, if she could only
be there first and catch Elmer Cratchet coming in late.
When Elmer did show up late, Elmer, yes, you're late.
Speaker 6 (39:18):
I'm very sorry, man, I'm behind my time.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
You are, Yes, yes, I think you are.
Speaker 4 (39:25):
It's only once a year, Missus Scrooge shall not be repeated.
Speaker 6 (39:30):
I was making rather marry Yes, Mary, I'll.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
Tell you what, my friend. I'll not stand this sort
of thing any longer. And therefore, Elmer Cratchit, I'm about
to raise your salary.
Speaker 6 (39:42):
I'm not sure what's going on. Do you feel okay?
Speaker 15 (39:48):
No?
Speaker 1 (39:48):
I mean yes, I had a great Christmas. You get
a raise, and we'll see what we can do about
that boy of yours.
Speaker 6 (39:53):
What's his name Tiny Tim. You want to help Tiny Tim?
Speaker 3 (39:57):
Of course I do.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
But before we do anything, why don't you go over
there and bump up that thermist at a few degrees?
Speaker 3 (40:02):
What do you say?
Speaker 2 (40:05):
Scrooge was better than her word. She did it all
and infinitely more to Tiny Tim, who did not die.
She was like a mother, and she became a softer person,
a good person, and as good a person as the
city of Burbank or Greater Los Angeles ever knew. Some
unknowing people still flinched around her, shied away from her,
(40:25):
but they were greeted with a warm smile and a
warmer hug. She never saw the Spirits again, but would
often spend time in the Shan Cave reliving one of
the greatest moments in all of sports history.
Speaker 13 (40:40):
Love me throwing an ange.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
It will always be said of Shannon Scrooge that she
knew how to keep Christmas swell.
Speaker 3 (40:59):
If anyone alive possessed the knowledge.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
May that be truly said of us and all of us,
And so as Tiny Tim would say, God bless us everyone.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Great job, everybody, Great job Gary, great job Gary.
Speaker 13 (41:22):
You've been listening to the Gary and Shannon Show.
Speaker 5 (41:24):
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty nine am to one pm every Monday through Friday,
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
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