Back To School

The kids are back in school and at a whole new level of learning. In this episode, the Ellises discuss their goals for this school year. Dead Ass. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Contrary to popular belief, I don't celebrate when my kids
go back to school.

Speaker 2 (00:05):
It's funny you say that, because my sound by today
was that back to school time is actually a depressing
time for me because I won't have my children with
me full time.

Speaker 3 (00:16):
Dead ass.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's.

Speaker 1 (00:22):
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

Speaker 2 (00:24):
Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.

Speaker 1 (00:29):
Wait, I make you need therapy most days.

Speaker 3 (00:32):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (00:32):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

Speaker 3 (00:35):
Yes, sir, we are.

Speaker 1 (00:36):
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
li's most taboo topics.

Speaker 2 (00:40):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Speaker 1 (00:43):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
We about to take Philots off to our whole new.

Speaker 2 (00:57):
Level starts right now.

Speaker 1 (01:04):
I'm going to talk about the last day of somewher
for the kids because it was a realization for one
of our kids in particular, and that was Cairo we
had just came back from Mexico and were coming to Bahamas,
and the Bahamas they had a really good time for
about two and a half weeks. And we come back
in the house and on the kitchen table is a

(01:26):
pile up of school supplies.

Speaker 2 (01:28):
Don't even get me started on the school supplies. We'll
talk about that later.

Speaker 1 (01:31):
And there was nothing more of a buzzkill for kids
coming off of vacation and seeing composition notebooks, pencils, highlighters.

Speaker 3 (01:43):
Sharpeners, paper yep.

Speaker 1 (01:46):
So I'm sitting there at the table right and I'm like, yo,
I'm getting hyped. Yo, it's back to school. And I
was like yo, Cairo. I had my phone up because
I was doing a video. I think ya have probably
seen the video. I said, Cairo, man, you're not excited
about back to school. He rolled his eyes like dad
rolled his eyes. I was just like, oh, come in, Like,
what's what's the matter. He was like nothing. I was like,

(02:07):
you're not excited about going back to school?

Speaker 3 (02:10):
No?

Speaker 1 (02:11):
I was like, yo, I used to be mad I
hyped to go back to school. I used to Yeah,
it was all lies. I'm trying. I'm trying to create
a different experience.

Speaker 3 (02:19):
For my kids.

Speaker 1 (02:19):
By for sure, you know lying about my excitement. But
I used to I said to him myself, I used
to be excited. Knew how I was excited. In the summertime,
I didn't get a chance to see my friends. But
now when I'm going back to school, I used to
be excited because I get to see my friends. You're
not excited, This little negro gonna look me right in
the face and say, that's because you didn't have Wi Fi.

Speaker 2 (02:43):
Fuck a friend. I got Wi Fi.

Speaker 1 (02:46):
No, he sees his friends because of Wi Fi. He
plays them, He plays them in the video game all
the time. He talks to them every day, so he's
not missing his friends.

Speaker 2 (02:56):
And he has his brothers who are at built in
built best friends that they're with each other all the time.

Speaker 3 (03:01):
So yeah, I was kind of tight.

Speaker 2 (03:03):
You're a little salty.

Speaker 1 (03:04):
I was a little salty, but then and he was equally.

Speaker 3 (03:07):
He was salty.

Speaker 1 (03:07):
But then I got salty too because I was like, man,
I'm losing one of my best friends with four of
my best friends because they going.

Speaker 3 (03:12):
Back to school.

Speaker 2 (03:13):
And I think what I did wrong was I had
us vacation up until that Saturday because that's when your
dad was trying to squeeze the trip. And so you know,
our kids are going back to school way earlier than
New Yorkers. And he's like, all right, how long can
y'all come forward? And I'm like, we can come till
that Saturday and we have Sunday to recoup and then
the school starts Monday. Yeah, don't nobody want to hear

(03:35):
that shit?

Speaker 3 (03:36):
The kids was pissed. Well, Jackson was ready to go
back to school. He wanted to see his friends.

Speaker 1 (03:41):
Kaz didn't care at all, but Cairo Carol got me
piss because he said, I ain't have Wi Fi. ABC's
simple as one two three, This easy's doory ABC one
two three Baby You and Me girl.

Speaker 2 (03:57):
Well, hey get it, dude, dance. I can relate to
the baby you and Me park because it's actually been
you and me the AB season and one two three, Yes, yes,
all right, Now let's pay some bills we need to
because I spent mad money on school supplies for the

(04:19):
whole school, apparently having to shot for these three kids.
So we'll be back after these ads. Alrighty and we're back.
So storytime was hilarious because Cairo literally was like looking
like he was getting that much more depressed as the
days ended in Mexico because we started to kind of

(04:42):
bump up their bedtime. They were used to staying up
all late till two three in the morning, your dad
was coming to visit. They were watching movies till super late,
then sleeping till late. So you know how it is,
you kind of have to retrain your body to get
on that school schedule time because when you're waking up
at six o'clock in the morning to head to first grade,
it's not necessary the most pleasant thing. But it was
interesting to me to really realize that I don't like

(05:08):
to send my kids back to school, like I really
thoroughly enjoy having our kids at home.

Speaker 1 (05:15):
Yes, I feel like the pandemic quarantine stint when we
had all of them at home and they were being
homeschooled and virtual learning.

Speaker 3 (05:23):
I won't say homeschool, they were doing virtual learning.

Speaker 1 (05:26):
I don't want to discredit teachers, because teachers were still teaching,
but it kind of gave me a sense of comfort
that my children were where we were baby, you know,
And you know there's a fear that happens once you
have kids. That's actually like your heart beating with arms
and legs and the head walking around on different places,
different extra heartbeats walking around in different places. I just

(05:47):
feel more comfortable when they're all.

Speaker 3 (05:49):
In the house.

Speaker 2 (05:49):
I feel the exact same way as you and I
said it. I don't know if I said it on
a podcast previously, but in the mornings when I'm getting
the boys ready for school and they're walking through the door,
I'm literally like praying every single day, like, Lord, just
please watch over them while they're not in my presence,
you know, keep them away from things that are not
meant for them, like keep them away from danger. And
you know, you hear about all these school casualties that happen,

(06:10):
and it's just that's every parent's fear every time your
child leaves the house, and it doesn't just have to
be school. But for the sake of the topic today,
we're talking about summer being over, the kids back in school,
getting them back out of the house every day, which
is kind of a relief in a sense because we
do get a chance to kind of decompress a bit,
chat we get to work, we get to film the

(06:30):
podcast for you guys. But the headache that comes back
to school shopping, homework, assignments, projects. Then there's the after
school schedules, right, all the activities, all the practices, all
the games. Then knowing that my weekends aren't my weekends
anymore because football games and then eventually basketball games, the
morning wake ups, like it should not be a thing

(06:52):
to have to wake up before the sun.

Speaker 3 (06:54):
I'm gonna talk.

Speaker 2 (06:55):
About waking up and feeling depressed because yeah, it's super dark,
you know.

Speaker 3 (07:01):
So I have interesting take on this I want to
hear first.

Speaker 1 (07:05):
I want to hear you, like, go over what it
is to plan in the morning to get these kids
ready for school, and I want you to go through
all of that, and I'm gonna give you my interesting take. Well,
I haven't even discussed this with you yet because I
wanted you to be like I wanted to be authentic
when I tell you what I believe. Okay, so you
tell me what First of all, how much did it cost?

Speaker 3 (07:27):
Supplies? Close? All of that?

Speaker 1 (07:29):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (07:29):
So one thing that I've realized in now having four children,
a husband, and then all the stuff we have going
on career wise as individuals and collective planning and organizing
needs to be on the forefront of everything for us, right,
So me knowing that Okay, summertime is two months, I
know by the time I blink these two months are
going to be over. So how do I A maintain
spending time with the kids, quality time, allowing them to

(07:52):
have some fun with their friends. Also to making sure
that you and I are clearing our schedule to be deliverer,
deliberate about having time with them. Like, there's so many
things that went into my mind foreseeing what the two
months was going to look like. I knew that we
were going to be on our vacation and then having
our family vacation. Then the extended family vacation left me

(08:13):
very little room to do back to school shopping, and
one thing I was trying to avoid doing was throwing
bows up in Target or Walmart, trying to fight over
the last binder because it can get very very hairy
out there. The kids each have for each class a
list of supplies that the teachers are requesting in order
to get them through the school year. So they get

(08:33):
everything in bulk and I'm assuming there's someplace that they
store everything. But also too what I've learned and having
my rants on my Instagram stories and TikTok and whatnot.
Is that when you're shopping for back to school and
they're requesting, for example, three boxes of twenty four count crayons,
it's not three boxes for your child. There may be
some children in the class who may not be able
to bring all those supplies in. Or teachers said that

(08:55):
kids don't like to color with crayons that have been used,
so after a while, when they starts to look a
little ugly, they want a new.

Speaker 3 (09:01):
Crazy I got to go back there.

Speaker 1 (09:04):
They asked you to buy three box of crowns just
in case another kid doesn't have crayon.

Speaker 2 (09:08):
Yes, that's what When teachers were writing into me because
I made a comment about like, why does chiron Cast
need six boxes of crayons collectively three apiece for their classes,
and some teachers said that you're pretty much providing a
backstock because there may be children who don't have supplies
or can't bring supplies in, or some can bring in
one box and not three, and the teacher needs to

(09:28):
get through the school year. Because we already know the
struggle teachers have for supplies just getting from the government.

Speaker 1 (09:34):
I understand that, I just don't understand we pay high
property taxes here, chat, high property taxes to send our
kids to the best public schools here in this area.
On top of the high property taxes, you want me
to buy crayons for other people's kids? We got four kids?
What about the people like us who have four kids?

(09:55):
This stuff ain't cheap now, you know me, I don't
mind helping people as much as I can.

Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yeah, but that's why, Oh, these hot taxes.

Speaker 3 (10:02):
The school can't provide uh, crayons.

Speaker 2 (10:04):
I guess you know. Teachers get what they get. But
I've seen a lot of teachers the teachers.

Speaker 3 (10:08):
To provide it, we pay high property taxes. Them school
need to be providing credit.

Speaker 2 (10:13):
They might need to be up in some of some
board meetings and whatnot. See where the hell the money's going.

Speaker 1 (10:19):
Teachers shouldn't have to provide neither. Teachers don't even get
paid enough. So to ask a teacher to provide the crowns.

Speaker 2 (10:25):
And any teachers who I know, they tell me how
much out of pocket they end up spending just because
they want their children to have that experience. So, being
a parent who's totally in solidarity with my children's teachers,
whatever y'all need to make the experiment, experience that much
better for the children and to make your job that
much easier. I'm willing to do it. But I've even
seen teachers posting their wish lists for back to school

(10:45):
on Amazon because they can't get everything they need through
the schools.

Speaker 1 (10:48):
You just wantch money the government puts into defense, Like
we spend trillions of dollars a year on defense and
we start wars, but we don't put no money into
early childhood education.

Speaker 3 (10:59):
That's crazy.

Speaker 2 (10:59):
Welcome to America, that's crazy. Loco to America. So all
that cy the preparation process, I knew, let me go
shopping before you know, everyone is out there, So it
was easy for me to do school shopping this time around.
I did it in peace. The stores weren't crowded, everything
was in stock. I got everything that I needed. Now
approaching back to school, your original question was what does

(11:20):
it look like in the morning for me getting the
boys out the door. I'm very big on what the
day looks like for them, like setting the tone for
the day, because I feel like we'd had moments in
the past with Jackson. I know you told the story
before about you know, us having an argument in that morning,
and it kind of spilling over into Jackson's day and
him walking out of school feeling like, damn, daddy was

(11:40):
mad at me all day when it had nothing to
do with him and everything to do with our situation.
So from that day forward, I am deliberate too about
making sure that I'm waking them up in a good mood.
I'm singing a song as annoying as it probably sounds
to them in that moment, because They're like, here she
comes in singing, but I'm waking them up, you know, give.

Speaker 3 (12:00):
To get up in the morning. That was my mother.

Speaker 2 (12:02):
Every day she had a song time to get up.
I don't know what it is that's in the morning.
So they'll wake up. And then this is the time
too when I'll give them an option, like, hey, what
do you want for breakfast? Because it's like, all right,
typically we'll just make one breakfast and everybody eats it.
But I know when it's like having to get up
at six o'clock in the morning. Shit, I don't want
to be up much less do you want to be up?
So I'll give them the option, Okay, what do you
want Mommy to make for breakfast? So usually they never

(12:23):
want the same thing one one cereale.

Speaker 3 (12:27):
Remember this.

Speaker 2 (12:27):
So they get their their breakfast in the morning, and
then after they're doing breakfast, I'm typically packing lunch. And
then once the lunch is packed, I send them upstairs
because their clothes is already out, and I try to
get them into the habit of taking out their clothes
the night before so we're not scrambling in the morning
because to me, it's like, you take ten minutes to
pull take your clothes out iron, your clothes have it
laid out. That's ten more minutes you can sleep. That's
the logic. So they go upstairs, they change, come back down,

(12:51):
and then it's hugs and kisses, lunch boxes, backpacks out
the door, copy, and then I go back to bed
when I can, jes so get me a couple more minutes.

Speaker 1 (12:59):
It's this is what I've noticed about my Jamaican invintention
wife and my Jamaican mother in law. You guys love
to do a lot of stuff for these kids that
they can do for themselves, like number one, breakfast in

(13:22):
the morning, Number two getting closed out at night.

Speaker 3 (13:28):
This is just my take on it.

Speaker 1 (13:30):
I grew up in a home my grandparents and my
parents where my grandparents, they had three young men they
had to take care of. It was me and my
cousin DeVaughn and my brother Brian before Tory came to
When Tory came then it really became a bigger thing
because Tory was ten years nine years younger than me,
and Nana had to do her hair. Nana didn't believe

(13:51):
in perms and stuff, so she did Toy's hair every morning.
So you know whose responsibility it was to get ourselves ready? Yes, yeah,
And I'm talking about early. I learned how to cook
full breakfasts, bacon, eggs, cheese, pancakes, French toast waffles as
early as six years old. At eight years old, I
was getting myself ready for school and my brother ready

(14:12):
for school and then walking him to school when I
was walking to school. But what it did was it
taught me a level of independence very very early. Because
my parents both worked on to five, so they had
to be up early and get ready to get up
and get out the house. They didn't have time to
do all of that stuff that you do for the kids,
your mom does for the kids. But what it did
was it taught us a level of independence. When it

(14:34):
came time for breakfast in the morning, I would get up,
grab me a cereal. If I wanted grits, I knew
how to make my grits. If I wanted eggs, I
would make a quick eggs. But most of the time
I would grab something quick, a bagel, throw it in
a toaster with some waffles or something.

Speaker 3 (14:46):
And then for lunch, I would make my own sandwich.

Speaker 1 (14:49):
Make my own sandwich, throw a piece of fruit in there,
get a box juice. And this was back in the day.
We didn't have like super cool lunch boxes. I would
just have a plastic wall bombs bag. I would throw
it in a plastic wall box bag. I would throw
it in my book bag and I would just walk
to school. And I was at eight. So when I
look at our boys, it would help you a lot
and your mom early in the morning, Jackson is twelve.

(15:10):
At twelve, I was taking a bus to school. My
brother was taking the bus to school. Jackson can get
up on his own, iron his own clothes, get his breakfast,
and be out the house without anybody having to be up.
I know you like to be up so you can
see him off. And I like to be up to
see him off, because even when on days when I
can sleep in, I'll typically get up and just watch
him walk. Like yesterday, you was laughing at me because

(15:33):
I watched him walk all the way out of my
sight and he kept looking back like what, and I
was just watching him, you know. But I do feel
like as parents, there has to be a level of
independence we give to our children, especially early. And the
reason why I say this is because of this. If
Jackson is late to school, the consequence of him to
be in late to school in sixth grade seventh grade

(15:54):
is not that big deal.

Speaker 3 (15:56):
But when you late to work, you get fired.

Speaker 1 (15:59):
When you spend your whole life someone being there to
make sure you get up, make sure you get to
class on time, make sure you do this, it creates
a crutch that you can't carry that crutch when you
become a young adult, when you get to high school,
when you get to college. You know, if you late
to team meetings in college, you lose your scholarship. In
high school, you late to practice, you get kicked off
the team. Teaching them at the end of elementary school,

(16:22):
beginning of middle school to have responsibility for themselves and
then you look at their report card and be like, yo,
you are late to school six times.

Speaker 3 (16:28):
Why would you late to school?

Speaker 1 (16:30):
There's no consequences, but at least they learn what they
have to do to be on time.

Speaker 2 (16:34):
I completely understand you, and you're absolutely right, and don't
get it twisted. I'm not doing every single thing for them.
When I say taking clothes out, it's me more so
getting them into the rhythm of doing it, not that
I'm doing it for them. But you know, Cairo's not
going let nobody take his clothes out for him. You
want to address his self, so he will get his
clothes out. But I want to show them and teach
them now in elementary school, Hey, you want to wear

(16:55):
this tomorrow? That sure's crushed. You need to get it ironed,
do it the night before. So for me, it's more
about teaching a routine so that they will be able
to do it now that at Jackson's age, he can
do it.

Speaker 1 (17:04):
Another reason cause Kyro and Kaz are too young to
get up in the morning and do stuff on their own. Yeah,
they're five and six, but when Cairo is eight going
into third grade, Yeah, Kiro needs to be doing all
of this stuff by himself.

Speaker 2 (17:18):
Agreed and it can progression, right, it.

Speaker 1 (17:20):
Can help cas, you know, because they do it. They
do it together. That's how me and Brian did. We
were eight and six doing it together.

Speaker 2 (17:26):
So even think about from last year to this year.
So now close this set out. The night before last year,
Mom and I were upstairs dressing kaz getting you know,
doing all of that for them. Now it's you've had
your breakfast awesome. While I finish up making lunch, they
go upstairs, they brush their teeth, wash their faces, and
then they come down already dressed. So then it's just
put your shoes on, grab your backpack, and you leave.

(17:48):
But I also like that morning experience with them Jackson,
particularly because Jackson pretty much does everything on his own.
All I want waffles to breakfast or come down, throw
your waffles in rab them and go. But I don't
get much time with them when the school year happens.
When it starts. You know, if you don't see Mom
in the morning and then you go to school all day.
You get home at school from school at four thirty
four to forty five. Jackson gets out late and then

(18:09):
he has an hour before he's in practice for two hours.
He gets home for practice at nine pm. That's the
whole day. I don't see my child, so I want
to be up in the morning. And your parents had
to do that with you and your brother because they
had no choice. They had to go to work, right
I'm sure if they had the choice and had the option,
they probably would have been up with you guys, not
necessarily doing everything for you.

Speaker 3 (18:28):
My father would not have been up. School was going,
my mom would have got my father was not getting up.

Speaker 1 (18:33):
But my whole point is is as daunting as a
school year can be for parents, especially parents with multiple kids,
my point is is that if you teach your kids
to be independent early, it doesn't have to be daunting.
It is as simple as my mom. By the time
I got to fifth grade, here was school shopping. We
did all of the school shopping. I had already figured

(18:54):
what I wanted to wear. I would lay myself out
the night before, and once the school year started, my
parents only saw me on the weekends or when we
went to open school night. And my parents went to
every open school night no matter how good my grades were,
because they wanted to show that they were involved in
supportive of course, but the routines in the morning to
get us ready and stuff that doesn't have to be

(19:15):
an issue for parents, And I feel like for us
the last couple of years, that's been part of the
most daunting part of the mornings because they're young, you
know what I'm saying, Like, if we had four kids
Jackson's age, we probably would just be like, see y'all
on the weekend, see y'all when y'all get home. But

(19:36):
I honestly feel like when Cairo and Kaz get to
second and third grade, they'll be able to move on
their own.

Speaker 3 (19:44):
I do feel like that.

Speaker 1 (19:45):
I feel like you'll wake up, you'll see them off,
but you won't have to spend two hours getting up
doing all this, you know, because typically you're all six
and then by the time Jackson lee just eight fifteen,
that's two hours. I feel like by the time they
get to that grade, you'll just be up, Oh yeah,
mommy loves you, boom boom boom, go back to sleep, yeah,

(20:06):
and we'll just have to take the coda to daycare. No.

Speaker 2 (20:09):
Absolutely, it's gonna be that for sure. Like in the morning,
it's like you'll be asleep. I like, you know, for
the past two weeks, I've been getting the boys ready.
When it comes to Jackson, he sets his alarm, he
comes downstairs. What's up, Mom, Hey, what's up? What's you
one for? Breakfast? Wiffles?

Speaker 1 (20:21):
Cool?

Speaker 2 (20:21):
Throw him in the toaster. I lay on the couch
and literally just wait to see him out the door,
you know, because he's doing everything for himself at this point.

Speaker 1 (20:28):
So and I just I really just want to point
it out because the biggest challenge parents have had is
waking kids up for school and getting them ready, and
then checking homework at night, and for me to work, yes,
because you have to go to work, but then you're
also in school when your children in school. One thing
I will say is by creating this independent culture with

(20:49):
our children, I never felt like I was in school
with Jackson. Like we we allowed Jackson to you know,
we got him tutors. You know, he does all this
practice on his own, but we got him yeah. Yeah,
we got him a phone when he turned ten, so
that he can send his alarm, so that he can
make his schedule with his tutors and his coaches. And
now it's to the point two years into having this phone.

(21:10):
People so many parents get nervous about giving their kids
phone because they're worried about what they can do on
social media. But Jackson is so organized and he's like, Dad,
I have my calendar. Yeah, I know, I have all
my contacts. And I tell him, are you gonna be
late for practice for whatever reason? Yeah, let me call
my coach. It's like we've created small adults. And this

(21:32):
is just my message for parents, just my take on it.
I know you want to be involved, but if you
can create a culture of independence with your children their
school year, don't have to become another list on your
task of things. Now you can go out and do
what you need to do to provide them with the
ability to do that, as opposed to I spend three
hours in the morning with these kids, then I spend

(21:53):
two hours at home with them doing homework at night,
and I'm upset and I'm tired, and I don't have
time for myself. Typically it's because parents don't create independence,
and they feel like they have to do everything right.

Speaker 2 (22:05):
They have to do it because my mom as she's
super helpful in the morning, especially those two years where
I was pregnant and then recovering after having Coda and
I was with him most of the time and up
late at night. She's been up in the morning getting
them ready for school, but she sometimes I can hear
her getting frustrated and Jackson, aren't you gonna be late?
One morning I had to say to her mom, if
he misses the bus, he misses the bus, and then
he's gonna have to figure out how he's getting to school,

(22:26):
and then he's gonna be late. And then whose fault
is that his likes don't be down his back about it?
Let him rock.

Speaker 1 (22:32):
See that's I'm glad you said that a lot of
parents won't understand that allowing children to face consequences when
the stakes aren't high is how they learn responsibility. Let
him be late to middle school and have to figure
out and then come in here and wake his dad
up because he missed the bus, and then now he.

Speaker 3 (22:48):
Has to deal with a frustration.

Speaker 1 (22:50):
Let him feel what that feels like, so that he'd
be like, you know what, I'm gonna just make sure
I get up fifteen minutes earlier.

Speaker 2 (22:55):
You know her exact example. Jackson just got contacts new
to contacts literally a couple days before school started, not
even or the first week of school, because he needed
the contacts to wear for football. His goggles for basketball
can't fit under his helmet. So I say to Jackson,
these contacts are still new. There's a learning curve with them.
You may feel a little discomfort, one might fall out.

(23:16):
You just never know. And you and I are not
contact or glasses wearers, so we're trying to educate ourselves
on it about it. So they recommend it at the
eye doctor that he put the contacts in the morning,
but take your glasses as back up just in case
something goes wrong throughout the day. You're not stuck Jackson.
Since they mentioned that, do you have your backup glasses
in your backpack? Yeah? Mama have me. Yeah, well, you

(23:39):
have about two or three pairs of glasses you've been wearing.
How about you just keep one in your locker at
school as like your school glasses, they never come home.
And then you have your home glasses that you can
wear when you don't have your contacts in. Yeah, I know,
my I got them. I already did that.

Speaker 1 (23:52):
I got that.

Speaker 2 (23:52):
Okay, Yeah, Jackson, do you have your backpack glasses? And
only for the first couple of days, I reminded him,
because again the contact thing is now right, But he
gets very annoyed when I ask him because he feels
like I'm just being mom. Jackson goes to school first period, Mom,
I right, eye contact doesn't feel good. Okay, so what

(24:14):
are you gonna do? I'm gonna take them out because
he's texting me this. I said, yeah, take him out
if you feel uncomfortable, and just take them out. Put
your glasses on. I see the little bubbles pop up,
then the bubbles go away. The bubbles pop up, and
then the bubbles go away. And I said to myself,
this negro. Don't got his glasses. So said, so done.

(24:34):
The text message comes through, Mom, I know I have
to be more responsible, but I left my glasses at home.
I've been saying every morning. So now now you're gonna
have to get through the day with no glasses, right,
So now you're gonna have to feel what that feels like.
And he already knew like at that point, I didn't
have to lecture, I didn't have to scream, I didn't

(24:55):
have to go back and forth when he came home
from school. I didn't even make it a thing, because
then you had to feel what it was like for a
mom to be right and be what it was like
to not have your glasses for the day. That's how
things work out. Now, Luckily Papa Scoop was in town
and Papa Scoop took his glasses back to him because
that's what grandparents do.

Speaker 1 (25:14):
No, that's because you text Pa Scoop can you bring
him back to ask Papa school?

Speaker 2 (25:20):
And if Papa Scoop said no, hey, it was gonna
be no.

Speaker 1 (25:23):
You know what Daddy would have said if he had
text Dad tough luck, kid, I'm not even giving you
gotta figure out that's and that's just my point is
like moms tend to try to solve the problem for them,
especially your sons, because your mom solves all of your
brother's problems, but will let you and your sister drown.

(25:45):
And I guess that's just moms and their sons. And
just like me, like, if it was my daughter, I'd
probably run to the school and take her to my
daughter in a heartbeat. But because it's my son, he
has to learn. You know what I'm saying, And I'll
be I'll be honest with that. If I had a daughter,
i'd probably be a sap. I'm not even gonna lie
be like I would probably do you probably hate me
because I probably do more for her than I do
for you, because I'm a sap when it comes to

(26:06):
you and you're not my daughter.

Speaker 3 (26:07):
My wife.

Speaker 2 (26:07):
Period. That's how we don't have no daughters because give
it all to me.

Speaker 1 (26:11):
But my thing is those moments of consequences is what
they remember when when mom saves them or dad saves them.
They now feel like, no matter what I go through,
my mom and dad will save me. And the sad
truth is mom and dad can't always save you. So
I'd rather you develop a skill of learning how to

(26:34):
save yourself.

Speaker 3 (26:35):
Probably that's isn't that the biggest thing? Being solution oriented?

Speaker 2 (26:39):
That's the big thing in this house here.

Speaker 3 (26:41):
I tell Jax all the time, what are you going
to do?

Speaker 2 (26:44):
What's going wrong? We now fix it?

Speaker 1 (26:46):
And that's what we try to tell That's what we're
trying to tell parents now is be solution oriented with
your children when they're going through issues at school. Don't
always be the one that got to go save them.
Ask them what the problem is and say, well, what's
your plan.

Speaker 3 (27:00):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (27:01):
We'll come up with a plan. I don't know how
to come up with a plan. Well, let's discuss some
steps to come up with a plan. But I'm not
going to come up to the plan with you because
what if I wasn't here, What would if I was
off somewhere filming, What if your mom was hosting something and.

Speaker 3 (27:14):
You had to figure it out?

Speaker 2 (27:15):
You had to figure it out, And a lot of times, yeah,
it becomes that because even on the run of show today,
Triple asked, like, what are some resources that we take
advantage of to help fill in the gaps and things
that we may still need, Like the gaps are when
Daval and I are both traveling for work and you know,
we may have to rely on, you know, our village,
which is extended from Mimi and Papa who lived with

(27:36):
us full time. That's if Dad's father comes into town,
or you know, we've made really good friends and got
closely connected with some of Jackson's teammates, friends, parents, families,
so we can lean on them for the support that
we need every now and again. So sometimes relying on
the village is very important. Yeah, because I know you
two feel like, you know, even though your mom and
dad did the best that they could with trying to

(27:56):
make sure that you guys had everything, you needed to
be set up for success when it got to school.
You at eight years old, was having to walk your
brother in the school and got lost. You remember that
time you said you got lost first day of school
walking to school, and you know at that age you
had to do what you had to do right.

Speaker 3 (28:11):
I had to be solution oriented.

Speaker 1 (28:13):
I had to look at these street signs and had
to I remember this is the first time we moved
to Canarsie.

Speaker 3 (28:17):
We moved there in January.

Speaker 1 (28:20):
They didn't let us walk around often, but I remember
driving home and my father pointing out stuff.

Speaker 3 (28:24):
You notice that it's numbers and it's letters to our house.

Speaker 1 (28:28):
The numbers go up this way till you get to
one oh eight, and they go down all the way
till you get to ninety eighth Street, and then it's rockaway.
The letters go from Avenue J. It's Flatlands Avenue J
all the way to Avenue and and then receive you.
My father went over those things with me when driving,
so that when I got lost, I remember getting the
flat lands. I remember saying, so if I walked this direction,

(28:49):
I got to see J. So we walked up the
wrong direction to flat lands first, and I was just
like Glenn Wood.

Speaker 3 (28:55):
You know what I'm saying. I was like, no, it's
the wrong way.

Speaker 2 (28:57):
Oh this is a big street street, this is it.

Speaker 1 (29:00):
So then I went right back to Flatlands and then
I walked the other direction. I said, okay, Avenue J.
So I'm walking in the right direction because I'm like
j k L. Then when I got to Jay, I
was like, all right, I'm not going to give them
the other whole address. But I started looking and I'm like, oh,
so this is where the numbers are. But it was

(29:21):
my father being solution oriented and be like, you know,
it's going to be an opportunity where you may not
be here, and I'm going to be like, okay, okay,
But then when it happens, When it happens, I knew
what to recall and I knew what to say, Oh,
this is what my father said. And I just want
to implore parents to do the same thing with their children.
Here's a big thing. Do it through the summertime. Don't
expect it to start. One thing I say about Kadeen.

(29:43):
Kadeen has been on these kids about reading, doing their
ABC mouse doing. They have tutors year round. Roger does
their math tutoring, year round. This way, they're always in
a position of learning, so that when it's time they
go back to school, they're not they don't have fatigue
from city in the classroom because they've had an hour
or an hour and a half every day in the

(30:04):
summertime where you had to sit still and focus on
whatever it is we need you to focus on in
this time.

Speaker 2 (30:10):
It's called the summer slide. There's a name for it,
where children pretty much in the summer slide and they
lose the concept of structure, they lose some things academically,
and it's having to kind of re learn and reteach
and go over. It's like having to watch the episode
or something because the season come back. Yeah, watch the recap.

Speaker 3 (30:29):
Wasn't that an American thing?

Speaker 1 (30:31):
Because it was a comparison as compared to other cultures
that go to school year round, and they were saying
that America is one of the few countries that take
a full two month break or two and a half
month break. It's ten week break. I think, right, O,
is it? I think so there was. You said it's
called the summer slide, but I remember that.

Speaker 2 (30:47):
I don't know if it was specific to America. I'm
not sure about that.

Speaker 1 (30:50):
I remember there was a study and they were talking
about shortening the actual school week and not doing five
and doing a four day school week, but then sending
to kids, sending kids to school year around this way,
they didn't deal with the summer slides. But now they
have three days off, gotcha every every week and then sometimes.

Speaker 2 (31:10):
Years only or the school week is only like a
Monday to Thursday, right, it would.

Speaker 3 (31:13):
Be around Yeah, be Monday to Thursday year round.

Speaker 2 (31:15):
But would they still have like breaks.

Speaker 1 (31:16):
Yeah, they would still have summer break breaks.

Speaker 3 (31:18):
Yeah, they would have They would.

Speaker 1 (31:19):
Have some break, they would have winter break, they would
have a Christmas holiday.

Speaker 3 (31:24):
Winter break is February.

Speaker 1 (31:26):
Yeah, then you have the So they were talking about
two year breaks within the spring break, two year breaks
about the year.

Speaker 3 (31:31):
But they go to school year round.

Speaker 1 (31:32):
Oh okay, our kids realistically go to school year around
the fact that they have tutoring and ABC mouse and me,
me surry.

Speaker 2 (31:38):
How structure Jackson is. Even while we were in the Bahamas,
he was like, I still got Roger homework to do.

Speaker 3 (31:43):
We were in a different country.

Speaker 2 (31:45):
I was like, tell Roger that you you got the
week off because you're on vacation. And he was just like,
I got to make up my sessions and you can
take the week off from Roger. And he was just like,
I gotta make up, Like no, I have stuff to do.
So in Mexico they were playing with their cousins and everything.
But best believe, when they woke up in the morning
before we went to breakfast, Cairo did his little twenty

(32:06):
minutes homework. And I love them for that because again,
it just shows that outside of us controlling what that
looks like for them, they are taking it upon themselves
to have the relationship with their coaches and their mentors
and their teachers, and they're holding each other accountable. And
Jackson is setting things up for Cairo so Cairo can
do that and the same thing will happen as in Dakota.

Speaker 1 (32:27):
And that's one thing too. I will say we have
developed our own style of learning with the kids. We
didn't We don't pay for private schooling. What we do
is we supplement their education with tutors and with for example,
like I ready or when you got the coding classes
for Jackson. We supplement their education with our own forms

(32:48):
of education that go year round.

Speaker 2 (32:50):
I also work very closely with their teachers.

Speaker 3 (32:52):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (32:53):
So Cairo's teacher last year, for example, recommended that he
tests for the TAG program. Same thing with Jackson, on
top of them about what the school year is going
to look like moving forward. So Cairo, for example, we
knew that was far ahead in kindergarten, but because if
his age had to get registered into kindergarten, so his
teacher said, I'm going to recommend that when he goes
into the first grade, he may be doing second or

(33:14):
third grade level work and they work with them independently
so that where they're not bored. Because I think a
part of that for Cairo was just knowing like I
know all this stuff already, like I know it, And
the minute kids get to a space where they're bored,
then they disruptively disruptive. And you never want your child
to be labeled as that. You always want to keep
them challenged and engaged, and the best way to do
that is to make sure you have a close relationship

(33:35):
with the parent and teacher, so that way we know
that we're working in partnership with each other to make
sure that the kid has the best experience.

Speaker 1 (33:42):
And it sounds it sounds like a lot, but it's
not a lot. It's as simple as we get emails
from teachers every day. Everything is very electronic now and virtual,
so we get emails. We respond to the emails, you know,
when we get an email on a Monday of what's
going on. When Kadeen checks all of the progress on
she checks every week and she responds with what's needed.

(34:04):
She asks questions and we go over it with you.
You volunteer the classes and because you can. You know,
we don't have traditional jobs, so everybody can't get there.
But one thing you can do is keep track of
everything electronically.

Speaker 2 (34:20):
Oh for sure. And this email the last time I.

Speaker 1 (34:22):
Know we have to pay bills. Don't be afraid. Just
listen to what I'm saying. Don't be afraid while the
steaks are low. To let your child struggle at something
and let them figure out how to become better at it.
We as parents tend to do this. Child has a project.
The child's project then becomes who the project our project.

(34:44):
Then we end up sending back one hundred and fifty
page dissertation on snowmen because now we're doing our children's
Christmas project.

Speaker 2 (34:53):
Melancholy?

Speaker 1 (34:54):
What show is that?

Speaker 3 (34:55):
From the Cosby Show? The Cosby Show.

Speaker 1 (34:58):
But seriously, if your kid or your child is struggling
at something, be in constant communication with the teacher. Ask
the teacher how they can help. But let the child
go through these things when the stakes are low. Okay,
you got an eighty five in math in third grade,
it's not the end of the world. But now you
know you have to work on what they're working in

(35:19):
third grade. You will have to work on fractions. The
only way they know that is if you let them
fail a little bit. You got an eighty five, you
could have got one hundred, but you messed up on
the fractions. If you correct all their stuff, and now
they're getting hundreds all the time because mom and dad
is doing the work, they'll feel like they got it.
And then when they get to a place where you
can't help them, which is that common core math, Because
if you was born in the eighties like me, that

(35:40):
common core math gonna fuck your ass up.

Speaker 2 (35:42):
Try and comming about it, try and do that coming
about it. You want to say common sense, everybody don't
have that, Well, it's common core. Everybody don't have that
gene and I don't.

Speaker 1 (35:51):
Ain't nothing worse than looking at your child test scores
be terrible, knowing that you did their homework.

Speaker 3 (35:56):
But ain't nothing.

Speaker 2 (35:57):
Worse than looking at that and be like, so you imagine.

Speaker 3 (36:00):
So what we got a sixty? Because what we we
got a six? With the collective let me call your teacher.

Speaker 2 (36:05):
Yeah, but I did that with Jackson this past year
in sixth grade. I knew there was going to be
a transition into middle school. I was trying to take
the approach of saying, Okay, Deval had all of the
sports stuff, you know, under control, and I did the
academics with Jackson. Jackson is like a naturally smart kid,
so he will just listen in class and be able
to kind of regurgitate that on a test without with
minimal studying. Me trying to show him different study tactics

(36:28):
and ways to kind of organize his books, his thoughts,
making notes, Like everybody studies differently, everyone learns differently, so
I was trying to give him different methods to help
him study. I realized through the course of the year
that Jackson was doing really well getting nineties and whatnot
with doing maybe little to no studying. At the end
of the school year, when he looked at all of
his grades, still ninety plus average. He saw that there

(36:50):
was so much room for improvement. Instead of getting a
ninety two average, I could have gotten a ninety seven
or ninety eight if I had just taken a couple
a couple, you know, minutes at night to go over
something the night before. I let him do that, because again,
the stakes are low. He's still trying to learn and
adjust the middle school and figure things out. So then
now in seventh grade, he came to me and said, Yo, Mom,

(37:12):
I'm really trying to be valedictorian in my class. What
I gotta do? I said, all right, if you down,
I'm down. So I'm going to show you how you
know studying can take place and what you can do
to make that happen. But it's again putting the ball
in their court when the stakes are low, and just
being there to support them through the school process. All right,
let's recoup some of that money that we spent on
school supplies.

Speaker 1 (37:31):
You spill school supplies that's come from your part, because
it ain't no way I'm buying six blocks of crayons
that have to paint all these things, and then trying to.

Speaker 3 (37:41):
Speak to administrator, and then trying to.

Speaker 2 (37:43):
Figure out if you should have seen me. It was
like one list here, one listen, there's three different lists.
I'm trying to shop in one car divide and you
know it was amazing.

Speaker 1 (37:50):
But I lo key love that.

Speaker 2 (37:51):
That was kind of like excited. All right, we'll be back, y'all.
All right, we're back.

Speaker 3 (38:05):
Let's get money.

Speaker 2 (38:06):
Kadeen and Devel letter times. All right, you got it.
Hey there, Kadeen in de Val. I love you guys
so much. Been following you since Jackson was on the
Cheerios commercial. Oh my goodness. We were just talking about
that and when Kadeen had that fresh pixie cut, Yes, me, handy,
it was giving Henny. Okay, I'm thinking I might go
back to that in like my sixties. We'll see where

(38:27):
I am at that point. I might be going ball
by then. You know, I'm not gonna claim that. I
am not going to manifest that because it runs in
my family.

Speaker 3 (38:34):
You will look good, though, Okay, I don't.

Speaker 2 (38:37):
So back to the question, Kadeen, your body goals, Thank you.
I just feel like I'm just in the space of
trying to get myself back together. My edges are coming
back in. I've been drinking my water, minding my business
and working out. So I appreciate you. Thank you for
acknowledging that like you, like you are inspiring me to
unbig my back moment this summer. Yeah, that's been like

(38:59):
the thing this summer, like trying to unbig your back.
So I get it. I'm in support. I'm in support
of you. So I wanted to know how you guys
handle your friendships. I know you've probably had the same
group of people around for years, but now that life
has changed with more success, what does loyalty look like
to you? Is it's still easy to trust people. I'm
currently dealing with a friendship breakup and it's so hurtful.

(39:19):
I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore, and that
loyalty is just a myth nowadays. And it's one of
your advice on how to deal with friendship breakups and
how you've overcome them. I hope to hear back from
y'all soon. Love you, Oh man, We've all dealt with
some sort of friend that seems to outgrow you. I
think some friends are as cliche as it sounds. Some
there for reasons and for seasons. And yes, I have

(39:41):
had my close group of friends for a very long time.
And then there are some people who I've met later
on in life who have shown themselves to be very
authentic good people. And my friends laugh, My solid group
of friends who I've had for like, you know, one
or two decades, will laugh and be like, hey, I
didn't go with a new friend, like just now, I

(40:02):
think Tiffany and Christina were laughing, like who's cold? Is Godmother?
Who is she? Again? Like what y'all got a new friend?
And they'll joke on me about it. It is because I
tend to you know, we're social people. We do make friends.
But I think that God also gave me discernment to
kind of see people for who they are, and I
always pray for that, especially as things in our life
begin to change even more. But I do have a

(40:23):
friend that kind of things went awry, And I say
awry because maybe a rie isn't the right word. But
I was very confused as to why she was starting
to pull away from me as a friend. And this
was when Cairo was a new born, and I kind
of took it upon myself to just well a I
thought it was something that I had done, so I

(40:44):
reached out when I noticed that the conversation was becoming
that much more or less frequent. There were excuses that
were coming up when time came to hang out. And
I mean, this is somebody who I hung out with
all the time, like Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So we had
a rotation every week, particularly through college years and after.
So when Skyro came along, I was kind of like, man,

(41:05):
I don't see her as much anymore, but I know
that she was on a journey religiously, and I said, Hey,
if it means that we can't hang out in the
places that we used to hang out before, or partake
in the things that we used to partake, and you
can't drink anymore, I'm in full support of your spiritual journey.
I just want to know what it is so I

(41:26):
can alter that. So if we can't go to the
club or the lounge, you can come to my house
and we can order take out and we can sit
and we can drink water. Like it didn't matter to
me because the friendship mattered more. And then I realized
that she was still kind of not opening up to
what the problem was, and instead of me internalizing it,
I kind of reached out to some of her immediate

(41:46):
closer family and friends and to kind of see like, hey,
have you noticed the change in her? And they all
kind of notice the change, and they said, hey, it's
not you. She's just on a journey by herself and
the most we can do is love her from afar
and if she comes around, she comes around. But it
did give me some relief. I did mourn that friendship
to an extent because she was somebody who I loved darely.

(42:08):
She was a very good friend of mine, you know,
in my wedding, Like there were so many things that
we shared together, so many moments since we were kids,
and it just kind of ended abruptly with no explanation,
and part of me felt like, did she even really
owe me an explanation? Or should I have just taken
the signs and just moved on. So it took me

(42:28):
a while to kind of get around that, but it
gave me some relief and solace to know that it
wasn't just me. So that was like my little friendship breakup.
So I say that to say that with time things
can get better, and if someone rids themselves from your life,
sometimes I don't even question it. And maybe for the better.

Speaker 1 (42:49):
As I got older, I started to realize that no
one owes you anything. And when people say self like,
who can I trust, that's on you to decide. And
I think it's our ego and our self centeredness to
feel like everybody around us has to earn our trust.

Speaker 3 (43:09):
No, they don't.

Speaker 1 (43:11):
The people around you just got to live their life
and you decide if you want to trust that person.
For example, I have friends that I put in categories.
There are some friends that I know. These are the
people I hang out with just because I know that
we got good vibes. I don't got to worry about
no bullshit. This is what we do. We hang out.
I have friends that all we do is discuss business. Right,
if I need to borrow money, I know who I

(43:32):
can I can get it from because I'll give it
back to them. If they need to borrow money, I'm
open to be like, of course, because I know they
get it back to me.

Speaker 3 (43:39):
I have some friends who are just my confidence. We talk.

Speaker 1 (43:41):
All we do is talk on the phone. You know
what happens with people is they feel like, if you're
my friend, you have to fit in all the categories
that I have For all of these people, and if
those people aren't good in every single category, then you
shun them and be like, oh, I can't trust you
because we hung out, but then I ask you to
borrow money and you wouldn't let me the money. That
person is not the money person or the money person,

(44:04):
and that person is going to hang out with other
people and they didn't invite you, or we're not really friends.
We don't have that type of friendship where we hang
out together. The truth of the matter is is that
your life. Your life is your life. Everybody around you
does not revolve around you. You make a choice as
a person if you're going to trust this person in

(44:24):
what capacity you're gonna trust that person, and then you
let that person work out of that trust if they
do something. But this whole idea of loyalty means nothing
anymore to people. Is a reality check for people, because
loyalty is really People are as loyal as their options, right,
and they're also as loyal as what you can offer them, right.

Speaker 3 (44:46):
Because let's be honest about friendships.

Speaker 1 (44:48):
Friendships are only friendships because you offer me something and
I offer you something. If I no longer offer you anything,
I'm no longer useful to you. Are we going to
be friends?

Speaker 3 (44:57):
Really? Probably not.

Speaker 1 (44:59):
If you don't offer for me anything in the friendship,
whether it's companionship, money, advice, sex, whatever it is. If
you don't offer me what it is that I'm looking
for in the friendship, the friendship dissolves. It's as clear
as that. People want to make it more than what
it is, but it's not. There are no obligations to friendships.
We're not blood relatives.

Speaker 2 (45:18):
I can see that you know what I'm saying, and
that's why sometimes some friendships mean that much more than family,
familiar relationship. Made a choice choice to be that friendship
and to be in that relationship.

Speaker 1 (45:28):
What you can't do is you can't create guidelines to
all of your friendships and all the guidelines be exactly
the same. That's true because friends have different purposes.

Speaker 2 (45:37):
And as you grow in life, like you have groups
of friends, and I have friends who in that season
it worked because we were doing the same things. And
then as you begin to change mindsets and go this
way and they stayed here or they decided to go
elsewhere elsewhere, you no longer have things in common. So
those commonalities that you want share, you don't right, and
you may have to, like I said, more in the

(45:59):
idea of like, I don't really want to hang out
with this person anymore because we don't have similar interests anymore.
And then you send to gravitate towards people who do.
And that's okay too, that's okay too. I think the
beauty in it is when you do have someone who
can grow with you through phases of life. Absolutely, you know,
I have a couple of friends now who are my
closest friends. And I can pick up the phone and
talk to you today and not talk to you for

(46:20):
six months. You can text me today and I not
text you back till four weeks later, and there's no
love loss.

Speaker 3 (46:26):
What is loyalty to you in a friendship?

Speaker 1 (46:28):
Though?

Speaker 2 (46:30):
I think loyalty to me in a friendship looks like
in the moments that I maybe need you the most,
you're accessible or you'll try to make yourself accessible.

Speaker 1 (46:40):
So the reason why I ask that is because you
see how self centered that definition can be for people,
because you said, in the moments you need me the most.
What if I'm going through something then I can't be there,
you can't be there. A lot of people show that
as a see that as a sign of disloyalty when
it's like, damn, I have to be there for you,
saying you in particular. But how we view friendship right,

(47:03):
the only way we can be friends is if I'm
near for you when you need me the most. You're
not even thinking about what I need.

Speaker 2 (47:10):
I don't think I don't think about people.

Speaker 3 (47:12):
I'm talking about you.

Speaker 1 (47:14):
About people's definition loyalty and friendship, it always based on
what they need.

Speaker 3 (47:20):
Think about how you just described it.

Speaker 1 (47:22):
At no point in the description did you say that's
some person that I'm willing to be for.

Speaker 3 (47:26):
No matter what. Immediately your definition went to what you need.

Speaker 2 (47:30):
Well, I think it's for me at least it's understood
that it's reciprocated, because, like I said, but that's not me.
It's understood its reciprocated.

Speaker 1 (47:38):
But that's my point is that when we decide what
we want to make friendship look like, it's supposed to
be understood that it's reciprocated.

Speaker 3 (47:47):
But I'm going to tell you that you got to
be there for what I need.

Speaker 1 (47:50):
That's very self centered and we all as humans have
that same definition for sure what friendship is, Like I
just asked you so that we can put it out
there so we can see it. But we all say
that that's my friend because when I need them the
most day, there no one ever says that's my friend
because if he ever need anything, I got him.

Speaker 2 (48:10):
I said. For me, it's understood, you.

Speaker 1 (48:12):
Know, But for some people it's not because when you
say that and then that person can't be there for
you in that moment, maybe because they're going through something.

Speaker 3 (48:22):
The first that we do.

Speaker 1 (48:23):
Is like, man, you ain't internalize that you're not loyal.
And that's when she asked about what loyalty is in friendships.
I think we all these people need to start thinking.
Am I a loyal friend to demand loyalty from somebody?

Speaker 3 (48:34):
Because I know firsthand.

Speaker 1 (48:36):
I'm gonna tell you right now, the people I'm loyal
to first is my wife, then my kids.

Speaker 3 (48:42):
That's that's first.

Speaker 1 (48:43):
If my brother may need something and I can't be
there because I'm doing something for my wife and my kids,
I have to choose them. If my brother takes that
same reposal, my brother couldn't be there for me he
not loyal, then we wouldn't.

Speaker 3 (48:55):
Be close no more.

Speaker 1 (48:56):
But my brother, like you, is very big on reciprocation.
He'll tell me, like, yo, if you got something for
the kids, right, because he's like and he wants to
be there for me. But I think more people just
need to think about how we can be there for
our friends as opposed to our friends being there for
us to show their loyalty. That's just something I get.

Speaker 2 (49:13):
It totally makes a whole lot of sense. I hope
that helped your syst In a very very very roundabout way,
we got to answer the question. But that's just what
we've dealt with personally in these friendships. So much love
to you.

Speaker 1 (49:27):
Hey, guys, I would love to stay anonymous, no problem.
I really enjoyed this podcast, definitely one of my favorites.
You guys are a blessing. You are a blessing too.
I've currently been dating my boyfriend for over a year.
Our relationship started while a devastating death in the family
had occurred. Although it was a highly stressful and depressive time,
he made me feel seen, cared for, and appreciated. He

(49:47):
was among great friends and family that helped me out
of darkness. He is an immigrant and born outside of
the US. We do share similarities and lives, but there
are some things that we clash Culturally. He has put
effort into seeing and spending time, but over time I've
realized he doesn't enjoy going out as much as I do.
I always initiate going out on dates, couple activities, and

(50:07):
family functions. It's like pulling teeth while asking him to attend.
He does work a lot and is supporting his family
back home. He doesn't hang out a lot with his
family with his friends either. I feel stuck because I
want to enjoy more things with him outside of the
house and have more time. In general, I'm a person
who thinks about how this relationship may unfold in the future,
and I'm wondering if things will change. I value my

(50:29):
significant other being around my friends and family more and
putting in the effort to get to know them. He
is also pretty quiet around them. I've also never met
his family, which I can't because they aren't in the US.
I've expressed these concerns and he says he's tired and
has so much financial responsibilities, which I truly understand. When
we do hang out one to two times a week

(50:50):
is a good time and I feel like I'm with
my best friend. He's kind attentive and has a sense
of humor. Best of all, he cooks. He has a
lot of good qualities. I'm worried if this is just
who he is or his ideology is based upon his
current job schedule which he wants to transition out of.
I don't want to sabotage this relationship. Oh, I don't
want to self sabotage this relationship. But I'm not in

(51:11):
my early twenties anymore. The question is should I continue
investing into this relationship.

Speaker 2 (51:17):
I mean, he seems like a really good guy, if
he's so caring as to be, you know, taking. I
think he has the classic story that most immigrant families do.
And I know because both of my parents are, and
being two of the older siblings and the family, my
mom the oldest, my dad like the second or third oldest.
I've seen what it's like to have to come across,

(51:38):
so I've heard, at least because I wasn't born yet.
But you come to America and then you work, and
then you send back home, and it's for nothing more
than just the responsibility and the care that you have
for your family, and that level of I guess loyalty.
As we've been talking about it that you have to
the family. So I think that speaks to the kind
of person he is and the heart that he has.
But I can see where the con is for you

(52:01):
as you're trying to build a relationship with him. I mean,
what do you think, babe.

Speaker 1 (52:05):
I honestly feel like this reminds me of my mom
and my dad because my pops is a big He
likes to be inside. He likes to watch films and
chill with his family and friends. He likes to have
all his family around him, whereas my mom likes to
be out.

Speaker 3 (52:19):
My mom likes to go on cruises, she likes to
go to shows and stuff.

Speaker 1 (52:23):
I feel like it's just a different of a difference
of love languages, right, and not so much love languages
for each other, but love for life.

Speaker 2 (52:30):
Right.

Speaker 1 (52:31):
You know your mom and your dad. Your dad likes
to be at home with all his family and chill.
Your dad wants to go see your mom wants to
go see things and explore. I feel like you shouldn't
have to sacrifice the things you love because of the
person you love. I do feel like they have to
have a conversation and talk about it, and hopefully she

(52:51):
can help him be more comfortable going out. Do you
have to think about this. He's an immigrant who's in
a foreign country. A lot of times, when you're from
a foreign country, the safest place you feel home, it's home. Yeah,
you know. And it's not like America is the most
open place for immigrants, you know what I'm saying. So
he may feel comfortable home because he's not dealing with

(53:11):
any of those issues or social issues that happen outside
of his home. So maybe if she can find a
way to make him feel more comfortable going out, oh,
then he'll be more.

Speaker 3 (53:20):
Open to it.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
But also, and since she's the one writing in, just
because he doesn't want to do those things doesn't mean
you stop. My mom will still go to shows without
my pops. She'll grab her group of friends and she'll
go out. She'll go and do things.

Speaker 2 (53:34):
That's true. I was about to say, don't let that
limit you and stop you from doing the things that
you want to do. But I do get that she
may want to experience these things with him, or maybe
she's excited to show him the possibilities outside of home.

Speaker 1 (53:45):
But how about she do it the way you did
it with Beyonce? Like, no point intended, But I could
have cared less about going to see Beyonce, but you
curated the experience in a way I could enjoy it
so that we could enjoy it. Toggether, you see what
I'm saying. So maybe if she wants him to do
do some things, curating experience so that he gets some
things that he loves while doing what you like.

Speaker 3 (54:06):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (54:07):
I mean, it's the same thing with your pops and
your mom. Your mom does not like to entertain a
lot of people. Your father likes to go out in
the street and entertain people and then have people over.
You know, So what do you do? You curat an
experience to where your dad is like, you know what,
I like to be around people. Let's have people come
over in our basement, so Searon, you could be upstairs
chilling doing what you do. But I have my friends,

(54:29):
so now you get both the best of both worlds.

Speaker 3 (54:31):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (54:32):
No, totally, I completely get that. I think that would
be a great little starting point, at least, of course,
wrapped in conversation, because we're all about the communication of things,
and keep communicating with us, y'all, Because we'd love to
feature you as a listener letter, So email us if
you have something that you want us to give our
little two cents on at dead ass Advice at gmail

(54:54):
dot com.

Speaker 1 (54:55):
That's D E A D A S S A D
V I C E at gmail dot com.

Speaker 2 (55:00):
All right, moment of truth, we're talking back to school.
I think my moment of truth for back to school is,
though I struggle with the idea of my children being
outside of the home, how I've contemplated ways to homeschool them,
you know, not maybe not me, but having people do it,
because I just want them in my care, in my bosom,

(55:23):
in my line of sight the entire time, because that's
just what moms do. They spend enough time there retired,
it's all yours not don't worry. Yes, But as much
as I want to do that, I know that I
won't be able to raise independent young men who are
proactive and problem solvers and just ready to do and

(55:44):
equip to do things on their own if I'm always
the one to be there to do it for them.
So back to school school year starts. It's all about
supporting them through and teaching them the routines and allowing
them and allowing them and giving them the space to
grow to be independent while knowing that Mom is here

(56:04):
to support you through all the things.

Speaker 3 (56:07):
That's what's up. That's what's up. I feel the same thing.

Speaker 1 (56:11):
My moment of truth is this, create a culture of
independence amongst your children early and often, so that as
they grow through out life they can be in a
place to solve problems and be solution oriented. On top
of that, I will be remiss if I don't mention this.
Bullying is a very serious thing that's happening amongst children
in this day and age, especially virtually, because they have

(56:33):
access to things that we didn't have as parents, that
we don't understand. If you have children in between the
ages of seven and eighteen, right, do phone checks? Do
phone checks and make it And I don't care about
your privacy. You don't pay the bill, okaya, I don't
want to hear about it.

Speaker 3 (56:50):
Mom.

Speaker 1 (56:50):
I'm entitled and you ain't entitled to shit. Right, You're
entitled to give me that goddamn phone. That's fact because
a lot of the things that happen with bullying doesn't
even happen physically or in public anymore. It's happening behind
closed doors and people are losing their lives over it. Yes,
so let's do all each other a favor as parents
in a community of educators. Let's work on being parents

(57:13):
in the home by checking our kids' phones, making sure
they're being treated properly, and make sure they're treating other
other people properly as well.

Speaker 2 (57:20):
And they make sure that the kids know that everybody's
not going to be the same. So people are going
to be different, and while they are different, they need
to be respected and you need to leave people alone,
treat them how you want to be treated, all right, y'all?
Be sure to follow us on social media. We had
all the socials, y'all. There's so many ways that you
can keep in touch with us. Okay. Find us on

(57:41):
Patreon for exclusive dead Ass cast content as well as
more Ella's family content there because it's keeping it fun
in the Patreon world, but also on social media, follow
the podcast page dead Ass the podcast and I'm Kadeen.

Speaker 1 (57:54):
I am and I'm Devaoh i am devou And if
you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to raise, review
and subscribe, and if you get up, get to the
Patreon page. Make sure that you is a subscribe subscribe
to Patreon.

Speaker 2 (58:08):
Subscribe to Patreon.

Speaker 1 (58:10):
You subscribe and join Patreon and get that exclusive content.
Dead Ass is about to be lit for the next
couple of years, store for y'all.

Speaker 2 (58:18):
Next couple of months at least, that's the foreseeable future
for us.

Speaker 1 (58:21):
But leading up to that, putting it out there two years, man, years,
we putting it out there.

Speaker 2 (58:25):
Man, we got It's up to y'all. It's up to y'all.
If y'all keep listening, keep watching, keep spreading the word,
telling a friend, we might be here for years, or
we might be here for a good time and not
a long time. It just depends.

Speaker 3 (58:38):
Dead Ass.

Speaker 1 (58:40):
Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
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