August 9, 2023 • 54 mins
When Boosie said, "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means?", we started to wonder... What does it mean to be in a relationship, but still be independent? In this episode, the Ellises talk about independent vs. interdependence. Dead ass.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I learned this from my grandmother. Independence doesn't mean loneliness.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Interesting interesting, and mine is I think, contrary to popular belief, now,
thanks to social media, not everybody aspires to be a
city girl or f boy period.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Dead ass.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Our voice and reading each other publicly as a form
of therpy.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Wait. I make you need therby most days. Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. That ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, were actually saying facts one hundred,
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Were about to take pillows off to our whole new level.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
This story time takes me back to my grandmother, Dela
May Perry Ellis. She dropped the may. She's not a Parry,
She's an Ellis. Her name was Dela May Perry shout
out to Nana, and this was I would have to
say it had to be twenty thirteen because Jackson was born.
They were living in my parents' basement and I used
(01:36):
to come by CANARSI with Jackson all the time, because
this is when you were working at max still and
I was. I was taking care of Jackson during the day.
So I remember dropped coming by to drop Jackson by
because I had some clients to take care of and
I was dropping them by my dad and we went
downstairs in the basement. I was talking to Nana and
he was like, what's up. She was like, she was
just like, what's up? Baby? I was like, what's up?
(01:57):
How are you, Nana? She was like, I'm fine. Are
you driving a baby off? I said yeah. She was
just like, I don't know what it is with these
women these days. I was like, what you mean. She's
just like they just seem more concerned about, you know,
going to work, going to work, going to work. I
ain't never want to go to work, she said. I
spent my whole life working. I've been working since I
(02:18):
was twelve years old. I couldn't go to high school
because I had to work help my parents and help
raise my younger siblings. I've always been working. There wasn't
a day of my life I woke up saying I
can't wait to get to work today. He's like this
whole thing where everybody want to work and go to
go to work. Whos gonna be watching the kids?
Speaker 2 (02:33):
So Nana was pretty much saying soft life me before
soft life was a thing.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Absolutely, she absolutely was saying that. And my grandfather was
able to provide her with a soft life after he
got promoted to the manager of the factory and they
moved to Tennessee. At the time, my aunt was I
think in college, so she was like the last child.
She was the baby. She was in college, so she
was about nineteen twenty. But my nana didn't have to
(02:59):
work anymore at that point. And what was crazy to
me was that she was saying to me about us.
She was just like, you know, y'all don't get caught up.
You know here, y'all talk about money and money, this money.
That don't get caught up and chasing on this money
and have these kids on in the street. And you
know how older people when they get to a point
in their life where they just don't care what you
think anymore. They're going to tell you because they have wisdom.
(03:21):
She was honest. She was just like, yeah, yo, yeah,
young people. Everybody want to go out for self and
go out here and make this money, make this money,
and their kids be out in the street.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Point.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
And she told me, she said, you know, I worked.
I worked at nights. Your father, your grandfather worked in
the day, so in the daytime when your aunts and
uncles came home, they had somebody to come home too.
I was here when they came.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Home, and that impacted your mindset. And she said, you
wanted the same thing for your kids.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Absolutely. I don't ever remember not being with a family member.
When my parents were both working, I got dropped to
my aunt Weezie's house, like like family has always been important,
and there's always been a matriarch that's always like kind
of taking care of everyone. And when I mean everyone,
my aunt Weezy took care of my uncle Sam and
(04:11):
her daughters, you know, and their kids if they had there.
Because my cousin Lisa had a baby very young, so
Tasha was her granddaughter. So she took care of Tasha.
But then she also took care of the community's kids.
So there were other kids in the community came by
on Weezy's house after school, plus me and my brother,
you know what I'm saying. So there was always a matriarch.
And my grandmother said to me one of the greatest
(04:36):
disservices done to the family was everybody going out there
thinking they had to make money. That's what she said
to me.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
The shoes on my feet, I bought them, clothes I'm wearing. God,
I'm rocking because I depend on me. If I wanted
to watch that you'm lyt because I want to be
able to buy it too. The house I live in,
I bought it. The car I'm driving, I depend on me. So, oh, my.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Ladies, independent throw your hands off that love that sole question.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
I remember as you look at the lyrics of this song,
I'd be like, I don't necessarily want to buy my
own diamonds and my own rings. I want the ability
to be able to do that, but I don't really
want to do that.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
So let me be honest with you. That's just you know,
they're starting to come at certain people, artists or artists
exactly where you're going with They're coming at you know, rappers,
saying like, you're not really a thug. While you're acting
like a thug, you're not acting You're not really a thug.
This is all the fake, right. It was like, Beyonce,
you want to be independent, but you married somebody who
(05:49):
was a bit like on his way to be a billionaire.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
But she's very well, that's my point.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Though she be there too, But that's my point. She
wants she still did that, But I still married somebody
who was who made more money than her, who still
makes more money than her, which proves the point that
a woman who has her own still could want that life.
Oh for sure, I understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
She is me, I am her.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
You are not Beyonce.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
Cha. I'm not saying I'm Beyonce per.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
But you are not.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
I'm not, but I'm not. But if you want, I
can get the drawl and talk like they do down
there to You.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
Already put on the leotard when I asked you not to.
I asked you to put on a cheerleader outfit with
curly hair. You put on the.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Leotard because saying is is the fact that I have
earning potential and am very well doing it. For myself
and on my own, but it's that much better doing
it with a man.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Well, that's the point.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Who's doing it together.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
That's what we're gonna talk about today.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Well, ship, we talked about paying buying diamonds and all that,
So we can't do that. And if we don't pay,
no bills over y'all? All right, So let's let's, you know,
cap the discussion for now. Will pay these bills? Are
you gonna pay from your account? Or I won't pay
for my account.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
I only know one account. You have your own account.
All my stuff goes to the family anyway, So say.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
It's all the same time. Well, we're gonna play these ads,
let somebody else pay for it.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
How about paying.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
That's not mean, you know what I'm trying to say.
We can get paid that part. We'll be back, y'all.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
All right, now we're back. I ask some questions Quattion.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
Just for me, really were what Nana said was absolutely true,
Because it's funny. I saw a video on one of
these social media platforms that the person was ranting and
was just like, who exactly asked for women to be
able to have the right to work. I don't want
to work soft life. Me let me find somebody who
lets me be a stay at home mom, wife, housekeeper, whatever.
(07:52):
It wasn't mean when was somebody like ranting and they
were just like who asked for the like who wants
to get up and go to work every day because
they have to? I think it's a thing where some
women want the ability to decide whether or not they
want to.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Well, that's what I wanted to ask you, like the
like when we think about independent or every woman was
singing about independence, Yeah, right, when the actuality is it
should have been singing about interdependence because women are fighting
for the right to be able to do that when
they want to the same way men are fighting. Men
have been able to do what they want to do
(08:30):
in this country and this world for forever. Women want
to be able to have the same latitude.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
It's absolutely what we've been fed. Like I think about
my generation specifically and what I was fed from my
mom and the women around me. My mom was always
a proponent of you're going to go out there and
you're going to have your own You're going to always
have your backup plan in the event that things go
awry with you and whoever you end up being with.
(08:57):
You should be self sufficient. You should also be someone
who can add to and bring value to your spouse
and your family, not someone And then this is financially now.
She wasn't even talking about just being a caretaker. She
wasn't talking about investing time in children. It was strictly
fiscally fiscal advice she was giving me. She said, you
(09:18):
need to be in a position where you're able to
do this with or without a companion, and.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Being an adult pretty much.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
Yeah, but with being an adult, yeah, that's essentially that's it.
But I think as I got older and she saw,
like we started dating and stuff like that, it was
probably a bit intimidating for her to see, like, Okay,
so Deval is dating this boy Kadeen. I mean, Kadeen
is dating this boy Devo and he is now in
the NFL, so that means that he is earning a
lot more money than she is. For her, it was
(09:48):
a trigger for me to move to Detroit with you,
to then be dependent on you because I didn't have
a job at the time, I had no income right
So for her, it was me relinquishing what she thought
I think was just control, relinquishing the ability to be
able to provide for myself or to bring something to
our relationship that was tangible and lucrative, because then all
(10:11):
the balls were in your court and you were the
one that was able to then provide for me. So
I couldn't make a decision or make a move in
her mind without me having to ask for permission, right
or having to ask for an allowance and things like that,
which was very much a real thing back in the NFL.
There were some wives who so openly about you know,
I'm at home, i don't work, I'm raising the kids,
(10:32):
or i'm pregnant or whatever, but I get an allowance
from my husband. And that was a triggering word because
you put allowance anything having to do with someone allowing
you to do something can potentially be an issue because
you feel like you said stifle or you feel like
you're being controlled. So that's something that I was fed
early on, was having to be independent. Interdependence was not
a thing I don't think, or never spoken of. That
(10:55):
was spoken of. There was an idea that, yeah, you
would meet somebody eventually and you can build a life together,
but that was never the focus. And I think that's
almost it's like falling into the trap of what you've
been fed as a child, the same way I was
fed the narrative or the notion of you know, don't
go to a HBCU because the world is not HBCU.
The world is not all black. You have to learn
(11:17):
how to interact with and deal with people of all
different races and genders and sexist and classes. So you
can't just limit yourself by going to an HBCU. And
here I am regretting every minute that I didn't get
to go jump up in a drum line, because you know,
I missed out on that experience and that culture. So
it's a cultural thing, and it's definitely a socioeconomic thing
(11:37):
that we are instilling in women and women that women
particularly have to have their own and it's usually centered
around not having to depend on a man for the
things that you want and need, gotcha.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
So independence for me, when I have to think about
just the music in general, right, think about scrubs bills.
What used to be confusing for me, right was you
got independent women, but then you got bills, bills, bills, right,
So you want independence, but then you're asking if I
(12:13):
can pay your bills? And then women are wondering why
men are confused about what you want. As a woman,
you understand what I'm saying. So when I think about
like the confusing messages that are being sent to the
youth or being sent to people, it makes me realize
that we as a community of people have to actually
start looking at the facts and not listening to what
(12:36):
people are saying in the media. Right because other than music,
now you have a group of podcasts, right and if
you know, shout out dead as podcasts because I feel
like we do a great job of trying to stay
in our lane of what it is and not getting
involved in a bunch of the bullshit. But if you
open up your social media in this day and age,
the first thing you see, depending on who you follow,
is young black men and young black women arguing about
(12:59):
who's that fault for the state of Black America. Right,
And there's some argument that right, we love to argue it,
and we love to argue about why black people aren't
getting married, when in fact that's not even the truth.
Black people are getting married at a higher rate today
than they were in the seventies, two times more than
they were in the seventies. So fifty years ago, black
(13:20):
people weren't getting married at a rate as they were today.
But here we are arguing about something that's not even real.
We're arguing about a narrative that's not real. And I
think a large part of that is how we communicate
to one another what we're looking for. So, for example,
when black men here independent women, they automatically assume that
(13:42):
women are talking about I got all my degrees, I
make all my money. I don't need you for anything,
but I want you to pay all my bills because
that's what you should be doing as a man. But
just know that I don't need it, and if you're
going to be with me in this relationship, you need
to be paying all my bills. Why I keep on
my money to myself when realistically that's not even the
(14:04):
messaging that black women are trying to send to black men,
and in reality, that's not how marriages are working. It's
more about interdependence and not independence. And interdependence is extremely
different because that's a person. And since we're talking about
women and interdependence, that is a woman coming to be
a part of a team, which means you depend on me,
(14:25):
but I also depend on you. That's what creates a marriage,
that's what creates the team aspect, being of service to
each other. And if you look at some of these
facts and stats right In twenty eighteen, researchers surveyed over
twelve hundred single and married women between thirty to forty
five years old. Forty four percent of single women respond
(14:45):
is ranked living on their own as the number one priority.
Thirty four percent ranked establishing a career as their top priority,
so that's number two. Twenty seven ranked financial security as
the most important, and then for single women, get married
was the number one priority for only twenty percent, which
means it still wasn't even that high, but it was.
(15:09):
And then it says followed by twelve percent said getting
a promotion at work in ten percent who said moving
to a new state and or a community.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
I'm surprised that living on their own is the number
one priority, but I guess living in their own I
guess that again speaks to being independent, right, having your own.
That's the little phase of life that I said I
missed out on was having that moment where I just
felt like, man, I can do this on my own,
and taking pride in that and being able to be
self sufficient and sustain a lifestyle that you want for yourself,
or also being able to say, you know what, because
(15:38):
I went from from my parents' house essentially to yours,
and I never had a moment where I could be like, well,
you know what, we ain't getting along right now, you
go back to your place, because I, you know, can
be the ruler of what happens here because it's my place.
So I think that speaks to the idea of women
wanting to be independent in that sense where there's not
a reliance on anyone or anything.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Which I understand. But you know what also crazy here
to me when I look at this right it says
thirty four percent rank establishing a career as a top priority,
but then twenty seven ranked financial security. So more women
were looking to establish a career than be financially secure,
which means they're more focused on the titles. Yeap, titles
are important. Titles are a number.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Of people who I know now that may not even
have you know, large salaries that they're making, but can
tell you how many masters and doctorate degrees they have
just to have them.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
So this is the crazy part.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Like lifelong students.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Checking that out just because black women and I'm reading this,
it's part of another study. Just because Black women are
more likely to graduate from college than their male counterparts
doesn't mean that they out earn Black men. Actually, black
men are more likely than Black women to bring home
at least seventy five thousand dollars annually. Also, double the
number of black men than women make at least two
(16:58):
hundred and fifty thousand dollars annually. Because the pervasive gender
gaps and income, black men remain the bread winners in
the black community. So the reason why I bring this
up is because if you hear a lot of these
conversations happen on social media, right, the first thing that
women may argue younger women and I'm going to say
(17:18):
younger women because and I'm going to say younger, more
immature women, because the more mature wise women aren't having
these conversations.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
I don't think this is our generation. It's not and
our generation. If anything, I have had rev relations since
their twenties, Yes, because they definitely shared some of the
mindset of the women nowadays who are in their twenties.
Then I can be a testimony to that I was
a very immature twenty seven year old when Developed presented
me with do you want the wedding or the house?
And I was like, I want both, and you think
(17:48):
you have to pick one and I might give me
the day, And you know, there were just so many
different things that now I'm looking at through a completely
different lens.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
And it's not just women who are falling victim to this,
because men oftentimes find themselves being intimidated and defensive when
they hear a woman has degrees, not realizing that you
can still earn a high income without the degrees. So
then a lot of these young immature men are starting
to lash out at women with degrees, saying things like,
(18:18):
and I've listened to some of these podcasts, or you
think you better me just because you got a degree,
and I'm just like, no, she's listing what she's accomplished.
You may feel a way because she may has accomplished,
she may have accomplished more than you academically. So now
because you feel a way, you're projecting your insecurity on her.
And y'all are arguing about something that doesn't even correlate
(18:41):
to what brings money into the household. Because black men
are still the breadwinners in our community, which I like
to point this out because a lot of these arguments
aren't rooted in truth, facts or numbers. They're rooted in emotion,
they're rooted in insecurity, and they're also rooted in youth. Well,
I can't blame a young twenty year old or mid
(19:02):
twenty year old person for having these feelings and emotions.
And I'm glad you brought that up because we've had
plenty of friends over the last ten years who in
their twenties got married and was preaching one thing, oh man,
and then now they're in their thirties and they're either divorced, remarried,
or looking and their outlook on life is completely different.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
A lot of my you know, female counterparts who were
like down't need it, don't need it for that I
can walk away, I don't go to I don't got
to are lonely and looking for somebody again because that
single life just wasn't doing it for them, you know,
and that person who they were with, you know, definitely
was not their person in that you know, like very
(19:43):
well within their right to walk away from a relationship
that that no longer serve them. However, quickly realized that,
like man, I do want to be interdependent with someone.
I don't want to be the independent woman that I
thought I wanted to be. I just was in the
relationship that was stifling me and whatever a way, shape
or form. So the recognizing of that, I think, is
(20:05):
where the tide starts to shift. And like you said,
it comes with maturity, for sure.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
For sure. So let's check out some more stats. In
nineteen seventy, thirty five point six percent of Black women
and twenty seven point seven percent of black men and
twenty seven point seven percent of Black women were never married.
But by twenty twenty, these percentages have had jumped to
fifty one point four percent of Black men and forty
seven percent for Black women. So Black women are almost
(20:32):
getting married at twice the rate as they were in
the seventies. While the percentage of all adults who were
never married increased by seven point six percent percentage points
for men and seven point nine percentage points for women,
the corresponding change for Black adults was more than double that,
at fifteen point eight percent points for men and nineteen
(20:52):
point eight for women.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Wow, so there's still value in marriage for Black people. Absolutely,
there's definitely right. You let a couple people say it,
or if you find a couple people around a mic
doing a podcast, they'll be like, no, you know, but
you cannot isolate the idea or you cannot generalize the
idea based off of just that.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
But there's a good point here. They said, while the
percentage of people who never married were only seven point
six percent for all adults, for men, it was fifteen
point eight percent points for black men, right, which shows you,
even though we're less of the population, there's a higher
rate of Black men who are not getting married. But
(21:35):
there are also there are also mitigating factors to these numbers, right,
for example, And I know people hate when you bring
up these things, but this is the truth. Institutional and
systemic racism, incarceration, right, the inability to get access to
resources to marry properly. For example, it costs money to
(21:55):
get married, and if you're constantly pushed in a state
of poverty, it's a lot more difficult to legally get married.
So a lot of those numbers are correlated to what
we have to deal with as black people, for sure.
But the bottom line is is this, more Black people
are getting married than not, So this argument that black
people don't value marriage and the black family is on
(22:16):
the crisis, it's fake because there are more black people
getting married in the twenty twenties than there were in
the nineteen seventies, and the nineteen seventies was considered a
renaissance for black love and black empowerment, right after the
civil rights moving in the late nineteen.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
Sixies for sure, and then the ability just to you know,
enter into these kind of unions that became a thing,
you see what I'm saying. And if you weren't that,
or if you weren't you know, married by a certain age,
it's like, well, what the hell's going on with you?
Speaker 1 (22:42):
Right?
Speaker 2 (22:42):
You know, because we still have grandparents and elders who
look to people who are younger nowadays and be like, well,
what's what's wrong with you? What's going on with such
and such? He ain't found a way yet, went through
so many chicks came in and out of here, and
still don't find one yet.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
I think it's important, especially for this relationship, to discuss
messaging because young kids are going to be swayed based
on social media, not even so much mass media, but
music and social media. And when you look at the
arguments people are having, and people are arguing the exceptions,
(23:19):
they're not arguing the rules.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
That's typically for shock values places.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
The idea that black women aren't desirable or desirable by
black men, and black men don't love black women. Right,
the argument that black women don't value and don't respect
black men was all debunked as a lie because eighty
five percent of the black men who are married in
this country are married to black women.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
I believe it.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
And the crazy thing is people will then say, well,
the more money a black man makes, the more likely
he is to marry outside of his race, which is
false because triple and I looked up. I think this
was four years ago. As black men made more money,
made over one hundred thousand, two hundred thousand, the rate
that they hired black women was also higher, which I
(24:07):
also want to point out because this argument that we
don't respect and don't love and don't honor each other
is just not real. It's not true. It's just an
argument that certain people in certain groups are having in
because that argument is.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
The loudest, the loudest.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Minority people are saying that that argument is what's happening,
and it's truly not.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
People have to really learn to not take things to
say at face value because for that reason, the loud
minority is typically what it is, and they're the ones
that are trying to create or have created, this narrative
that people are completely bought into. And at this point
in the game, children who are wan't say children, but
they people in their twenties, for example, I don't even
know if they're equipped to be able to debunk any
(24:45):
of that at all, you know. So that's why you
know you're not having a podcast like this or platforms
like black Love and things like that. They're so necessary
for us to be able to say, Hey, guys, just
think about it from this perspective for a second.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
I'm glad you brought that up to I have a
question for you.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
Yeah, do you.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Believe oh this is actually a great question. Trouble, do
you believe a woman can be both independent and interdependent?
Speaker 2 (25:12):
You're looking at her absolutely, I mean, why could you not?
The thing I think that is the key factor for
being both independent and interdependent is having a spouse who
empowers you. Wait.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
Wait, wait, that's the next question. Don't go into that.
That's the next question. Don't go into that. How can
a woman don't don't I want to ask that question next.
I want to give you right because I also want
to ask because that question is next. But how can
a woman prepare to be independent before they even get
before they even get to a spouse because you said
finding a spouse boom, But how can a woman prepare
(25:45):
to be both independent and interdependent?
Speaker 2 (25:48):
I think I was about to say, it's a mindset
she has already already be brought into. You have to
know that I've already done X, y Z to get
to this point in my career. If that's something that
you desire, you know, whatever title it is that you're
looking to have, however many degrees you're able to have,
you need to do that on your own, and if anything,
nothing more than to prove to yourself that you were
able to do it, but also knowing and that's the
independent part of it, but also knowing that you do
(26:10):
aspire to share this with someone. I'm not doing all
of this just for myself or I aspire to have children.
So therefore, by being independent and being self sufficient, now
I can find someone who is of equally yoked. Right
that can then add to that and we can then
be interdependent on each other to then build this life
even further.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Okay, okay, I got that. Okay, the next one. Right,
Do you believe that men in general are truly interdependent
in relationships?
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Do I think that men are truly interdependent in relationships
in general? In general? I would say, well, my example
is thinking about like, I don't think, for example, men
men have to want to be in a relationship to
be interdependent, because I feel like anybody, man or woman
can be self sufficient on that eily, So the desire
(27:00):
has to be for the man to desire interdependency. Do
I want to share this with someone? Am I coming
along with someone for the ride of life? And that's
when I think interdependency for men becomes an aspiration. There's
some men that don't want that.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
I would say this as a man, I feel like
men traditionally work to be interdependent. Everything we do is
based on team. We play sports is based on team
with our friends, our friends groups, everything's based on team.
So we are traditionally bred to be interdependent. The issue
is is gender.
Speaker 2 (27:36):
Roles right or romance? Being romantically involved with someone?
Speaker 1 (27:43):
No no, no, no no, not not romance. I mean as
far as like interdependent means we're in a relationship, we
work together. But the problem with men traditionally is that
we then put gender roles on how we're going to
be interdependent, which means, yeah, we're going to be interdependent,
but I'm going to do all things a man is
supposed to do, and you're supposed to do everything a
(28:03):
woman is supposed to do, which means even if we
want to be interdependent and you're you want to work,
they're often a lot of times there are men who
become intimidated, especially if their women values their women values
work in that moment more than being at home. Okay,
you see what I'm saying that. So it's like we
(28:23):
are willing to be interdependent, but then we want interdependence
to look the way we traditionally want it to look.
And I think that's where the disconnect has happened between
men and women. Because this change also comes socioeconomically, right.
More women have been infused into the workplace as we
need more dual income householmes over the last fifty years,
(28:44):
which means more women have to work, like they just
have to work. So since more women have to work,
more men are saying you see what I'm saying. So
it's like a woman is like, if I have to work,
I'm going to do something I love, going to find
a career. Then they get engrossed in their career, and
then a man feels like, wait a minute, we're supposed
(29:05):
to do this together. You were supposed to take a
break to do this while I do this. And then
she's like, wait a minute, my career doesn't say that
I can take a break right now while you want
me to take the break. Maybe kids can wait a
little bit. Then it's like, I don't want to wait
on kids. I want to have kids right now. And
that's where the conflict comes in because the interdependence is
there from men, but we oftentimes try to control dependent.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
And that's so that's why you jumped in when I
said what I said, because you empower me to be
independent within this interdependent relationship. Yes, right, No, I can
see that as a as a as a way, but
I feel like also too, a lot of men are
just not rushing into being interdependent, like they don't necessarily
want when I said being romantically involved, like you have
to romantically want to be involved with someone to then
(29:47):
choose to be in a relationship, which is in turn dependent.
A lot of men are not necessarily desiring that for
that reason. They just don't want to have to be.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Locked down, lockdown Like for them, it's like I don't
want to relinquish any control, you know, like for us,
we weren't. This is another thing that we haven't discussed
is how young ladies are conditioned to receive or find romance.
Right for women, it's like I have to be chosen,
you know, I have to sit down, wait, be dainty,
(30:18):
be chosen. For a man, it's like I can go
out and content her. I can go pick and choose,
pick and choes try, try, try, pick and choose. But
if a woman tries to be chosen with a multiple people,
then she's labeled. So it's almost like dang, I as
a woman, if I'm a woman, don't even have the
same opportunity to find a mate to be interdependent with.
I have to hope the right mate chooses me. And
(30:40):
I think that's where there's also a conflict between men
and women because women are like nowadays, women are like
I'm not gonna sit back and just let you walk
by with all of these different people if I want
to see something, I'm gonna go get it on my own,
you know what I'm saying. And to be honest, I
think that's where the independence comes with the interdependent intered.
You were always wanted to be The minute we met
(31:02):
and you said, what do you want to do with
your life? You said how we going to get there? Yeah,
you were always going to be interdependent, but you was
independent in the fact that you were like, I'm not
going to sit back and wait to be chosen. I'm
gonna go out there and get what i want from
my career, get what I want from my love life.
And I feel like that is the new recipe for
the modern woman. And that's why, you know, we started
(31:22):
off with independence versus interdependence. I don't think that there
is a and that's why I'm glad when I read
this question. I don't think that there is a choose
one or the other.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Right. That's where soft life became became a thing. You
hear people talk about soft women just like soft life
me like, I'm no longer subscribing to team No Sleep.
I'm not subscribing to independent women. Throw your hands up
at no, I'm not doing that. I want the soft life.
How do you get achieve the selt life? Essentially, most
people want the self by being able to offload some things,
(31:54):
sometimes onto a partner, so that way I can have
those soft moments. That's not the rhetoric that was being
spilled to me, like my mother been doing like softly.
What does that even? What does that even mean? What
does that look like? You need to be a go getter,
You need to be ambitious, you know, And naturally that's
what drew you to me though that you didn't look
at me and be like, oh, well, she's just somebody
(32:14):
who's gonna sit back and chill. She's somebody who's going
to get all the things that she wants, and she
would make a dope ass partner.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
I'm glad you brought that up because I'm about to
debunk something that people often say. I'm a debunker because
this is be annoying the fuck out of me. But
this is the this is like the worst take I've
ever seen. I've seen so many men and women, black, white,
all say this, men are intimidated by strong, go getting women.
(32:44):
That is not true. Take a look at all of
the men in my life who are married, my parents
generation and our generation. All of those men seek out
women who were strong go getters to help build a life.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
True, very true.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Think about and the ones that we know who had
women who were like kind of meek, and then they
did not last They didn't like. Think of all of
the women in my life. Think of all of the
women in your life. Think of all of our friends.
All of our friends are married to women who are
strong go getters. Every man that I know who is
(33:25):
with a woman that dad was like, that could be
my wife, said that that could be my wife because
they all said this, now she'd be going to getting it.
So this idea that a strong, intelligent, go getting black
women are not desirable is also fake. It's not a
real narrative.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
But is it? Is it intimidating for a man who
may not have his shit together?
Speaker 1 (33:47):
It is? It is. But let's be real, though, why
are you, as a strong, independent go getting black women,
seeking the company of an insecure meek man.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
Because you might be dropping good, big go off who
knows the reasons? You know.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
We saw the other meme to be quite mean, right,
We saw a meme that said broke niggas give the
best dick so here you have a lot of you
have a lot of women who have their own make
their own money, who only see men for what they
can provide in that moment, which is sex. But you
keep choosing the same type of man and then using
(34:26):
that as your litmus test for how all men? Because
you keep choosing the same type of insecure.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Men and then complaining about it and saying it's all
men and welcoming us to your ted talk that then
becomes a podcast that then becomes the loud minorities.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
You see what I'm saying. Yeah, it's the same way
men who are insecure who don't want a strong woman
will date a woman like that and use them as
an example, like, see, it didn't work out with us
because she was doing this. You keep dating the wrong
type of women, my guy, And then when you get
a women like you said you asked for, I just
(35:01):
want women to be quiet, let me be a man.
You know what they call them women gold diggers to
think about it.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
Gold diggers or it's like, nah, I'm a married this
girl because you know she a little younger. I could
train her to be what I needed to be. And
then it don't work out because you know.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
See, I'm not gonna lie to you that whole. I
don't think that training thing is a fake too. It's
because I'm gonna say it's fake because younger women are
allowed to say they they older men so they can learn.
They say that all the time. I can't. I can't
date niggas my age, the niggas my names, don't know shit.
I want to learn from an older man. But then
if an older man says he likes dating younger women
because they're more malleable, women get upset.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
They were dragging Marcus Houston. I know, well he had
married his wife young, she was young or something.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
They were dragging him, I believe, because they say this
is all speculation. We don't know. They were saying that
he groomed her or something like that from time she
was thirteen, like they met that because they were saying
that she they got married when she was she was nineteen,
but he was in his thirties and he knew her
for years before that, so they're saying it is that grooming. Now,
we don't know those people, so I'm not going to
(36:08):
give an opinion on what that is. But the truth
of the matter is, if you met a woman who
was under the age of eighteen, and y'all were friends
for all that time and then you get married the
minute they come become of age. It does seem like
you were praying on them when you were more mature
enough to tell them what they needed to hear. That's
what it looks like. Like. You can say what you
(36:28):
want to say, but that's literally what it looks like.
I mean, they said the same thing about what's his
name who married Kimora Lee? Oh yeah, Russell Simmons. Like
Kimora Lee was extremely young. He had first met her
when she was a model, when she was fourteen, and
a lot of people said that he was grooming her
to become his wife.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
Maybe not grooming per se, but also like just you know,
you know the person, you have a relationship where you
see him in passing for years and then finally when
it makes sense it can be when they're older.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
Absolutely I get it. I mean we don't know the
terms of their engagement or when they met, so that's
why I don't like to give judgment on that. But
based on what people are saying with the age of
Marcus Houston, it was that it wasn't just that because
she was young. It was how long they knew each
other beforehand, and gotcha, she got married with nineteen plus.
I mean it's going to sound crazy, right, it's going
(37:17):
to sound crazy. But if you're a young lady and
you want to learn about life, right, would you be
with another nineteen year old immature person?
Speaker 2 (37:25):
Right? I mean you can look at it that way.
I mean I was with a guy who is my age,
and I think I feel like we're very much part
of the anomaly group. Not many are like us, but
absolutely yeah. And they were just together, we worked together,
and we were a little bit more mature in our
mindset from early.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
But you were also go getter though, and you're also independent,
and I.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
Saw that you were goal getter too, and you were
working towards something in itself was enough.
Speaker 1 (37:49):
It would have been way different though, if you were
nineteen saying soft life me, I'm just going to sit
here and wait, you know what I'm saying. That's why
I feel like the independent aspect of a woman can't
be lost. You can't just say soft life me, I'm
chilling and waiting for.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
Someone to take care of me, or you can't just
aspire that be interdependent when you don't necessarily bring.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Bringing me to table. Yeah, you see what I'm saying
to me. I think that's what the modern woman looks like.
And why why it would be desirable for a man
who's choosing also interdependent is because I like the fact
that when I when I retired from the NFL officially, Yo,
(38:29):
if you gonna get this job and you get insurance,
I can focus on this while you do that. You
know what I'm saying that that little bit of break well, wife,
he's gonna get us insurance. I was like, how much
money you're gonna be making? Okay, you hold on to that.
If I need that at any point as as extra income,
I'll hit you. It felt good to be able to
(38:49):
have that from my wife, but I know it also
felt good as a woman to be able to be like, Okay.
Speaker 2 (38:53):
I'm holding it down for the family right now.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
I love you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (38:55):
I love that for us. Yeah, you know it was
a great time because we were able to offload certain things.
Plate Like what's better than not having somebody that you
can say, hey, i'm having an issue with this, let
me upfload this real quick. So I could focus on
that while you focus on this. Yep, like it's teamwork, baby,
absolute teamwork. All right, let's go take a quick break
and get into these listen letters. After we get into ads,
(39:17):
we'll be back. All right, now we're back listening letter time.
I go ahead and start can devout. First off, let
me start by saying, I absolutely love watching your videos
and seeing how you interact with your beautiful family. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (39:39):
All right, So boom from New York. When I say
so bomb, so.
Speaker 2 (39:43):
Boom with two eyes. I'm a thirty year old single
mother of two very handsome boys, two and seven. Early
last year, I moved myself and my boys from the
East Coast to Arizona alone. I've just been promoted to
manager for my company. I'm having a hard time finding
a great work life balance about feeling like I'm out.
I barely have any help from their fathers. Yeah, it's
(40:03):
two bozos. I know I'm already judging myself, and none
of my family is here. They are in school and daycare.
But I feel like when I get home from work,
I literally only have enough energy to cook dinner and
prepare everyone for the next day school and work. I
am off weekends but spend most of the day in bed,
sleep or going to do my hair as I'm a
(40:23):
license or doing here as I'm a licensed cosmetologist. I
recently put my actual business on the back burner because
it was too much to juggle work, kids, doing here,
and running my business. I know they say it takes
a village, but how do I balance it all when
I'm the only person in this village? Girl, I don't
know who. As a mother, I want to be fully
there and active for my boys, but their entire everything
(40:45):
falls on me and me alone, and I don't and
don't get into get Oh sorry, I'm sorry, y'all. Don't
get me into dating that's non existent as well. I
guess my real question is what tips do you guys
have that I can to avoid burnout and also ensure
that everything is done even though it's only one person. Sincerely,
(41:06):
a tired soul.
Speaker 1 (41:07):
This is easy. I've been doing this for Prototype. This
is easy. You have to find people in the village
that you may not be related to. Think about Prototype,
how many kids we had in our house because those
were single moms and sometimes the kids need to be
picked up.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
True.
Speaker 1 (41:20):
Then you got Coach Dval coming to pick you up.
You got coach Brian coming to pick you up. You
got coach Hannah, coach Courtney, like, there are so many
willing enable men in these communities who are committed to
their community that will help you. Now you have to
use discernment and decide who is going to be around
your family, because you can't just have anybody around your kids.
(41:40):
You can't just have strangers. You have to be smart
enough to look around and see who you can trust
in who you can But the truth of the matter
is once you move to another location, you have to
look around you and find like minds to help build
that family, Kadeina, and not do it here. We're in Atlanta.
We moved her mom and down, dad down. Yes that
does help, but there's still times where it's just like, hey,
(42:03):
our neighbor has three kids who are in the same
basketball program. They can grab Jackson from basketball and it'll
give mom and dad or rest because we're away filming,
you know. So, so look in your community, in your
neighborhood and see if you can find some people to help.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
Let me tell you when I went to Jackson School
for the sneak Peak night, it was the opening night.
I was about seven months pregnant with Koda, and I
get there and there's parents there with their children and
I see you look at all the fifth graders and stuff,
and I see this beautiful black family, you know, mom
and dad, their son. And I was like, they look
like some nice people. So I literally went over to
(42:35):
them and I was just like, hey, my name is Kadeen,
nice to meet you. They send it their hands sho hands. Hey,
I'm so and so I'm sooning so awesome. This is
my son, Jackson. We're new pretty much to Georgia. It's
be his first year here and we're looking with some
good people and y'all look like good people. So so
it's funny because to this day, every time that time
of year rolls around, I'm like, y'all, it's our anniversary.
(42:56):
This when I bagged you, you know. And it's funny
because they've become such Jackson and this kid they're best friends. Now.
The family has been amazing to us. They literally have
been like family here. They've spent Christmas here, I mean,
and it's nothing like finding like minded individuals who are
in your community or in your neighborhood that you can
rely on so Sis, I don't know how you do
(43:17):
it as a single mom, having the guts and the
courage to move cross country with your boys alone. I
could not imagine being the only one every time someone's
calling for mom. And I know what it feels like
when I miss a school event or miss a sporting
event because of work. So it's virtually impossible for you
to duplicate yourself. You need to find some help and
(43:38):
that's ultimately the only thing I think that will help
you here, to preserve yourself too in your mental So
good luck to y'all. Hope it works out for you
out there in Arizona.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
Facts number two, Hi de Vala Kadeen. I want to
start by saying that I freaking love y'all. We love
you too. Y'all are really my cousins in my head. Lol.
I actually never thought I would be writing in an
email because I'm sure y'all get so many mind may
not even get read. However, after listening to the Coach
Daddy episode, I had to write in I'm a single
mom of two whole boys, ages thirteen and five. My
(44:10):
thirteen year old is a student athlete that plays basketball.
He's been playing since about eight and is a pretty
skilled player for his age group. The issue is the attitude,
teaching how to control his emotions, attitude, the body language
on the court has been challenging this last year. He
started his year off with a small injury that prevented
him from playing the first few games. He felt like
once he returned he was placed on the back burner
(44:31):
in it has caused him to be extremely frustrated. His
frustration turned into an emotion, and his emotion comes off
as an attitude. This has impacted his relationship with his
coaches and his playing time. It's been a domino effect.
As a single mom, I have to play both the
tough love role and the nurturer because I need there
to be a balance. He has coaches like Deval that
(44:51):
just don't play and are really tough on him. I
know in your case with Jackson, by the way, I
have a Jackson two. Deval can give the tough love
because Kay can always be the safe place to land.
How can I be both? You can always be both, baby.
I have to be both and Kay has to learn.
I don't want to coddle him through this tough time. However,
I also don't want him to feel beat down by everyone.
(45:13):
I do feel like he's learning how to self correct,
but I feel like he's being overshadowed by previous behaviors.
How can I help him through this adversity. Your thoughts
and opinions are greatly appreciated. Ps him and I watched
the video of you and Jackson in the gym together,
and I've allowed him to adopt the saying frustration fucks
up your focus. Hella, Well, it has helped love a
mom who just wants the best for her son. Oh man,
(45:36):
I'm glad that I want to do more podcasts about parenting.
I do, I really do, because we've learned a lot
over the last couple of years. This is very simple.
First thing you have to realize is that your children's
behavior are a reflection of what they see. If your
child has a poor attitude or a bad attitude, he's
learned that from somewhere, because children just don't learn bad attitudes,
which means sometimes for us as parents, we have to
(45:56):
self correct and figure out if that bad attitude is
a reflection of what I do to him. So, for example,
with Jackson, I noticed with him is that he he'll
suck his teeth he'll roll his eyes, his body language
you get down, and I'm just like, where do you
learn that he screams? I told you about the time
when he was screaming at Cairo, and I was just like, bro,
(46:18):
what makes you think you can scream at your brother?
And he said, well, you scream at mommy. And I
had to realize, like, dang, did he see me screaming
at you at some point? And remember when we were
having the argument about COVID and you and I had
the argument and I was screaming yeah, And I had
to realize like, wow, my son is always going to
revert back to what he sees me do as his
(46:39):
example for life. So we were in the car one
day and we were having a conversation about his attitude
and I started going him. I started screaming and screaming
and screaming and getting upset and I was. And then
we go downstairs in the gym and he comes down
to me and he goes, Dad, you are right, And
I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Is your attitude fine, because
(47:00):
cause at the gym you were acting this way And
he was just like, yeah, I understand it, but I
felt like you could have handled that better in the car.
That's what he said to me, and I had at
first when.
Speaker 2 (47:11):
The checker becomes the check e, right.
Speaker 1 (47:13):
Right, But at first I was about to check it
and be like, it's funny. You can tell me about
my attitude, but you don't. And then I realized, like, oh,
I'm about to do it again. I'm about to do
it again. So I said, let me be the example.
I said, you know what, You're right, I could have
handled that better. And I was like, how could have
handled that better? He said, there was no reason for
you to scream at me, like I was right there,
We're on our way home. It's just us. I was
(47:34):
listening to you. There's no reason for you to scream
and get all animated. And I was like, you know what,
You're right. I'm gonna work on that. And because I
gave him some accountability, he realized that he didn't have
to be perfect, and so when he started to mess up,
he stops getting as emotional. And I don't if you
notice anymore. K K can attest to this if she
(47:56):
sees this. I don't scream at our kids anymore. I
haven't thrown the laptop in the pool. I haven't gotten
super animated or boisterous, like I haven't done any either,
because I've learned that the more I compose myself, the
more they will remain composed and calm if something happens
when we're not there.
Speaker 2 (48:13):
It's interesting too, you mentioned that because just in general,
our kids are not super loud and over the top
with anything, even with each other, you know, because of
course his brothers they had the little spats and whatnot,
but we never really hear loud matches of shouting and
back and forth because we don't do that, and it's
more impactful when you bring your kid near if they
did something like listen, the fuck do you think this
is right now? Because I definitely have had like one
(48:36):
or two moments for Jackson, but like, who the fuck
are you talking to? Yeah, and that's when his eyes
get really big and he's just like, oh shit, Mom
just dropped the found because he knows that he can't
use that language around me, and I don't use it
to their knowledge, right. I hope they listen to the
podcast one day, but but yeah, there's nothing more than
just composing yourself and just saying, yo, you're What we're
not going to do is that yeah, we're not going
(48:56):
to do that.
Speaker 1 (48:57):
And also validating their feelings, don't make them feel like
they have no reason for their feelings, because then they
get confused and then they start to question themselfs say
why do I feel this way?
Speaker 2 (49:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (49:07):
And when you start to question why do I feel
this way, you start to get frustrated more emotional. But
then you lack the confidence to try to find a
way out of it because you feel like something is
wrong with you. So what I always do with Jackson
is when he has an issue, for example, like he
was upset he didn't get some playing time in a game,
and the first thing I did was ask the coach, like,
what's up. Jackson is one of the more skilled players.
Why didn't he play? And the coach made it very
(49:28):
clear to me. He said, Jackson is twelve, but he
just turned twelve. Some of our players are twelve turn
and thirteen. When we play other teams who have players
who are twelve turn thirteen or mostly thirteen year olds,
Jackson can't help us defensively because those kids are just taller.
Like we're at the point in the game where height
really really matters, so he couldn't help us on defense.
(49:50):
So since he couldn't help us on defense, he rolled
the bench a little bit. So I spoke to Jackson
and I gave him that explanation. I said, how do
you feel about that? He said, that's fucking whack. That's
literally what he said, play defense. I said, so, now
what you have to do is prove it. But you
don't prove it by throwing a tantrum, getting upset and
getting emotional. You are entitled to be upset that you're
not playing. If I were you, i'd be upset too.
(50:12):
But now you have a choice. Are you going to
get emotional and cry and be a baby and not
get better, or are you going to say, you know what,
there are certain things in my game I can work
on to prove that I can play against taller kids
and do that. And he was just like, I think
I'm gonna do that, And I didn't say, we'll do
it the next time and fix it and corrected. I said,
well it's a work in progress. If you get emotional
(50:34):
the next time and you're still upset, this is something
you're going to work on through your whole life. I
am a grown man, and I still have to check
my emotions, right Jackson. He was like yeah, so I said, so,
don't feel like you have to be perfect the next time.
Just try to be better. And every time you feel
like you're losing it, think about what we worked on
and just get better for next time. Yeah, and that's
all it is. Just work with them through the process.
But the biggest thing is maintain your composure. If you're
(50:58):
a single mom. I spoke to my cousin Poorsche about this.
Moms love to scream and holler.
Speaker 2 (51:04):
That was gonna be my thing, Like she said, how
does she go between me and tough guy innurturer? And
it really has a way. It's everything to do with
the way you compose yourself and deliver the message. You
can be tough and you can be starned without hollering
and yelling. You can also be nurturer without coddling and babying.
Speaker 1 (51:18):
Yes you can, you know what.
Speaker 2 (51:19):
I'm I'm glad there's no way to do that.
Speaker 1 (51:21):
I'm glad you said that because that is that is
so true. I am tough on these kids, super tough,
but I don't scream and holler at them no more.
I nurture them. I will have a serious conversation and
I'll bring them over and I'll be like, you know what,
how you feel You're still mad? Okay, we'll give me
a kiss. I love you. Give me a hug. You
still got shit to do, but you give me a hug.
(51:41):
And after this hug, you can get your emotions together,
take your time, and finish what you started. That's how
you can be tough, but love them like. I'm not
gonna let you quit. I'm not gonna let you off
the hook. I'm gonna hold you accountable, but I'm gonna
love you through the process. Toughness comes with accountability, not
with volume or physical tough like you don't got to
hit somebody.
Speaker 2 (52:00):
Be toughest, have to be super emotional.
Speaker 1 (52:01):
Toughness comes to the accountability yep, and rational thinking.
Speaker 2 (52:05):
All right, good luck to your mama. You're out there
doing it and doing it well. All right, y'all right?
Into us. Email us at dead ass Advice at gmail
dot com if you want to be featured as a
listener letter. We love to hear from you.
Speaker 1 (52:18):
That's right, that's D E A D A S S
A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2 (52:24):
All Right, moment of truth time. This is. My moment
of truth is interdependent. I well, some it up for us, then.
Speaker 1 (52:32):
Use discernment with who you listen to about relationships.
Speaker 2 (52:36):
That's a good overarching one.
Speaker 1 (52:38):
Yes, I never say I never believed too much advice
was a thing until social media became a thing. There's
too much advice, right, Do some research on your own
facts and stats, check the details about what's really going
on over here. But remember this, black men love black women,
(53:01):
black women love black men. We are getting married at
a higher rate than we ever have in this country,
and we love the shit out of each other.
Speaker 2 (53:07):
That's a fact.
Speaker 1 (53:08):
Don't let anyone fool you into believing otherwise.
Speaker 2 (53:13):
If you better wrap it up for us, put a
damn boon a bitch is over well. My mom on
of truth is pretty simple too. It's interdependence and dependence. Sorry,
interdependency and independence can coexist. You can do it simultaneously.
Speaker 1 (53:31):
I agree.
Speaker 2 (53:32):
You can become the independent man or woman that you
want to be, but aspire towards interdependency for it to work.
And if that's the aspiration, put the eos aside and
just get the job done, because that's what we're trying
to do over here. Y'all period. All right, y'all, and
you can follow us, find us, subscribe, join the Patreon
(53:52):
gang Gang y'all to see exclusive dead Ass podcast video
content and Ella's family content as well. Well. You can
find us on social media. Dead Ass the podcast, I
Am Kadine, I Am.
Speaker 1 (54:05):
And I Am Devo, and if you're listening to Apple Podcasts,
be sure to rate, review and subscribe.
Speaker 2 (54:11):
Keep telling your friends, y'all know well eleven seasons in baby,
but some of y'all have been writing and saying that
this is the first time you've heard about or listen
to the podcast, and we love newbies, So put your
friends on, put your family on, and have them join
the family. Love y'all. Dead Ass.
Speaker 1 (54:26):
Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
it's produced by Donor Pinya and Triple. Follow the podcast
on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never
miss a Thing.
I learned this from my grandmother. Independence doesn't mean loneliness.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Interesting interesting, and mine is I think, contrary to popular belief, now,
thanks to social media, not everybody aspires to be a
city girl or f boy period.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Dead ass.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Our voice and reading each other publicly as a form
of therpy.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Wait. I make you need therby most days. Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. That ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, were actually saying facts one hundred,
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Were about to take pillows off to our whole new level.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
This story time takes me back to my grandmother, Dela
May Perry Ellis. She dropped the may. She's not a Parry,
She's an Ellis. Her name was Dela May Perry shout
out to Nana, and this was I would have to
say it had to be twenty thirteen because Jackson was born.
They were living in my parents' basement and I used
(01:36):
to come by CANARSI with Jackson all the time, because
this is when you were working at max still and
I was. I was taking care of Jackson during the day.
So I remember dropped coming by to drop Jackson by
because I had some clients to take care of and
I was dropping them by my dad and we went
downstairs in the basement. I was talking to Nana and
he was like, what's up. She was like, she was
just like, what's up? Baby? I was like, what's up?
(01:57):
How are you, Nana? She was like, I'm fine. Are
you driving a baby off? I said yeah. She was
just like, I don't know what it is with these
women these days. I was like, what you mean. She's
just like they just seem more concerned about, you know,
going to work, going to work, going to work. I
ain't never want to go to work, she said. I
spent my whole life working. I've been working since I
(02:18):
was twelve years old. I couldn't go to high school
because I had to work help my parents and help
raise my younger siblings. I've always been working. There wasn't
a day of my life I woke up saying I
can't wait to get to work today. He's like this
whole thing where everybody want to work and go to
go to work. Whos gonna be watching the kids?
Speaker 2 (02:33):
So Nana was pretty much saying soft life me before
soft life was a thing.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Absolutely, she absolutely was saying that. And my grandfather was
able to provide her with a soft life after he
got promoted to the manager of the factory and they
moved to Tennessee. At the time, my aunt was I
think in college, so she was like the last child.
She was the baby. She was in college, so she
was about nineteen twenty. But my nana didn't have to
(02:59):
work anymore at that point. And what was crazy to
me was that she was saying to me about us.
She was just like, you know, y'all don't get caught up.
You know here, y'all talk about money and money, this money.
That don't get caught up and chasing on this money
and have these kids on in the street. And you
know how older people when they get to a point
in their life where they just don't care what you
think anymore. They're going to tell you because they have wisdom.
(03:21):
She was honest. She was just like, yeah, yo, yeah,
young people. Everybody want to go out for self and
go out here and make this money, make this money,
and their kids be out in the street.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Point.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
And she told me, she said, you know, I worked.
I worked at nights. Your father, your grandfather worked in
the day, so in the daytime when your aunts and
uncles came home, they had somebody to come home too.
I was here when they came.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Home, and that impacted your mindset. And she said, you
wanted the same thing for your kids.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Absolutely. I don't ever remember not being with a family member.
When my parents were both working, I got dropped to
my aunt Weezie's house, like like family has always been important,
and there's always been a matriarch that's always like kind
of taking care of everyone. And when I mean everyone,
my aunt Weezy took care of my uncle Sam and
(04:11):
her daughters, you know, and their kids if they had there.
Because my cousin Lisa had a baby very young, so
Tasha was her granddaughter. So she took care of Tasha.
But then she also took care of the community's kids.
So there were other kids in the community came by
on Weezy's house after school, plus me and my brother,
you know what I'm saying. So there was always a matriarch.
And my grandmother said to me one of the greatest
(04:36):
disservices done to the family was everybody going out there
thinking they had to make money. That's what she said
to me.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
The shoes on my feet, I bought them, clothes I'm wearing. God,
I'm rocking because I depend on me. If I wanted
to watch that you'm lyt because I want to be
able to buy it too. The house I live in,
I bought it. The car I'm driving, I depend on me. So, oh, my.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Ladies, independent throw your hands off that love that sole question.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
I remember as you look at the lyrics of this song,
I'd be like, I don't necessarily want to buy my
own diamonds and my own rings. I want the ability
to be able to do that, but I don't really
want to do that.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
So let me be honest with you. That's just you know,
they're starting to come at certain people, artists or artists
exactly where you're going with They're coming at you know, rappers,
saying like, you're not really a thug. While you're acting
like a thug, you're not acting You're not really a thug.
This is all the fake, right. It was like, Beyonce,
you want to be independent, but you married somebody who
(05:49):
was a bit like on his way to be a billionaire.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
But she's very well, that's my point.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Though she be there too, But that's my point. She
wants she still did that, But I still married somebody
who was who made more money than her, who still
makes more money than her, which proves the point that
a woman who has her own still could want that life.
Oh for sure, I understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
She is me, I am her.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
You are not Beyonce.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
Cha. I'm not saying I'm Beyonce per.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
But you are not.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
I'm not, but I'm not. But if you want, I
can get the drawl and talk like they do down
there to You.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
Already put on the leotard when I asked you not to.
I asked you to put on a cheerleader outfit with
curly hair. You put on the.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Leotard because saying is is the fact that I have
earning potential and am very well doing it. For myself
and on my own, but it's that much better doing
it with a man.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Well, that's the point.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Who's doing it together.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
That's what we're gonna talk about today.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Well, ship, we talked about paying buying diamonds and all that,
So we can't do that. And if we don't pay,
no bills over y'all? All right, So let's let's, you know,
cap the discussion for now. Will pay these bills? Are
you gonna pay from your account? Or I won't pay
for my account.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
I only know one account. You have your own account.
All my stuff goes to the family anyway, So say.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
It's all the same time. Well, we're gonna play these ads,
let somebody else pay for it.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
How about paying.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
That's not mean, you know what I'm trying to say.
We can get paid that part. We'll be back, y'all.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
All right, now we're back. I ask some questions Quattion.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
Just for me, really were what Nana said was absolutely true,
Because it's funny. I saw a video on one of
these social media platforms that the person was ranting and
was just like, who exactly asked for women to be
able to have the right to work. I don't want
to work soft life. Me let me find somebody who
lets me be a stay at home mom, wife, housekeeper, whatever.
(07:52):
It wasn't mean when was somebody like ranting and they
were just like who asked for the like who wants
to get up and go to work every day because
they have to? I think it's a thing where some
women want the ability to decide whether or not they
want to.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Well, that's what I wanted to ask you, like the
like when we think about independent or every woman was
singing about independence, Yeah, right, when the actuality is it
should have been singing about interdependence because women are fighting
for the right to be able to do that when
they want to the same way men are fighting. Men
have been able to do what they want to do
(08:30):
in this country and this world for forever. Women want
to be able to have the same latitude.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
It's absolutely what we've been fed. Like I think about
my generation specifically and what I was fed from my
mom and the women around me. My mom was always
a proponent of you're going to go out there and
you're going to have your own You're going to always
have your backup plan in the event that things go
awry with you and whoever you end up being with.
(08:57):
You should be self sufficient. You should also be someone
who can add to and bring value to your spouse
and your family, not someone And then this is financially now.
She wasn't even talking about just being a caretaker. She
wasn't talking about investing time in children. It was strictly
fiscally fiscal advice she was giving me. She said, you
(09:18):
need to be in a position where you're able to
do this with or without a companion, and.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Being an adult pretty much.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
Yeah, but with being an adult, yeah, that's essentially that's it.
But I think as I got older and she saw,
like we started dating and stuff like that, it was
probably a bit intimidating for her to see, like, Okay,
so Deval is dating this boy Kadeen. I mean, Kadeen
is dating this boy Devo and he is now in
the NFL, so that means that he is earning a
lot more money than she is. For her, it was
(09:48):
a trigger for me to move to Detroit with you,
to then be dependent on you because I didn't have
a job at the time, I had no income right
So for her, it was me relinquishing what she thought
I think was just control, relinquishing the ability to be
able to provide for myself or to bring something to
our relationship that was tangible and lucrative, because then all
(10:11):
the balls were in your court and you were the
one that was able to then provide for me. So
I couldn't make a decision or make a move in
her mind without me having to ask for permission, right
or having to ask for an allowance and things like that,
which was very much a real thing back in the NFL.
There were some wives who so openly about you know,
I'm at home, i don't work, I'm raising the kids,
(10:32):
or i'm pregnant or whatever, but I get an allowance
from my husband. And that was a triggering word because
you put allowance anything having to do with someone allowing
you to do something can potentially be an issue because
you feel like you said stifle or you feel like
you're being controlled. So that's something that I was fed
early on, was having to be independent. Interdependence was not
a thing I don't think, or never spoken of. That
(10:55):
was spoken of. There was an idea that, yeah, you
would meet somebody eventually and you can build a life together,
but that was never the focus. And I think that's
almost it's like falling into the trap of what you've
been fed as a child, the same way I was
fed the narrative or the notion of you know, don't
go to a HBCU because the world is not HBCU.
The world is not all black. You have to learn
(11:17):
how to interact with and deal with people of all
different races and genders and sexist and classes. So you
can't just limit yourself by going to an HBCU. And
here I am regretting every minute that I didn't get
to go jump up in a drum line, because you know,
I missed out on that experience and that culture. So
it's a cultural thing, and it's definitely a socioeconomic thing
(11:37):
that we are instilling in women and women that women
particularly have to have their own and it's usually centered
around not having to depend on a man for the
things that you want and need, gotcha.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
So independence for me, when I have to think about
just the music in general, right, think about scrubs bills.
What used to be confusing for me, right was you
got independent women, but then you got bills, bills, bills, right,
So you want independence, but then you're asking if I
(12:13):
can pay your bills? And then women are wondering why
men are confused about what you want. As a woman,
you understand what I'm saying. So when I think about
like the confusing messages that are being sent to the
youth or being sent to people, it makes me realize
that we as a community of people have to actually
start looking at the facts and not listening to what
(12:36):
people are saying in the media. Right because other than music,
now you have a group of podcasts, right and if
you know, shout out dead as podcasts because I feel
like we do a great job of trying to stay
in our lane of what it is and not getting
involved in a bunch of the bullshit. But if you
open up your social media in this day and age,
the first thing you see, depending on who you follow,
is young black men and young black women arguing about
(12:59):
who's that fault for the state of Black America. Right,
And there's some argument that right, we love to argue it,
and we love to argue about why black people aren't
getting married, when in fact that's not even the truth.
Black people are getting married at a higher rate today
than they were in the seventies, two times more than
they were in the seventies. So fifty years ago, black
(13:20):
people weren't getting married at a rate as they were today.
But here we are arguing about something that's not even real.
We're arguing about a narrative that's not real. And I
think a large part of that is how we communicate
to one another what we're looking for. So, for example,
when black men here independent women, they automatically assume that
(13:42):
women are talking about I got all my degrees, I
make all my money. I don't need you for anything,
but I want you to pay all my bills because
that's what you should be doing as a man. But
just know that I don't need it, and if you're
going to be with me in this relationship, you need
to be paying all my bills. Why I keep on
my money to myself when realistically that's not even the
(14:04):
messaging that black women are trying to send to black men,
and in reality, that's not how marriages are working. It's
more about interdependence and not independence. And interdependence is extremely
different because that's a person. And since we're talking about
women and interdependence, that is a woman coming to be
a part of a team, which means you depend on me,
(14:25):
but I also depend on you. That's what creates a marriage,
that's what creates the team aspect, being of service to
each other. And if you look at some of these
facts and stats right In twenty eighteen, researchers surveyed over
twelve hundred single and married women between thirty to forty
five years old. Forty four percent of single women respond
(14:45):
is ranked living on their own as the number one priority.
Thirty four percent ranked establishing a career as their top priority,
so that's number two. Twenty seven ranked financial security as
the most important, and then for single women, get married
was the number one priority for only twenty percent, which
means it still wasn't even that high, but it was.
(15:09):
And then it says followed by twelve percent said getting
a promotion at work in ten percent who said moving
to a new state and or a community.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
I'm surprised that living on their own is the number
one priority, but I guess living in their own I
guess that again speaks to being independent, right, having your own.
That's the little phase of life that I said I
missed out on was having that moment where I just
felt like, man, I can do this on my own,
and taking pride in that and being able to be
self sufficient and sustain a lifestyle that you want for yourself,
or also being able to say, you know what, because
(15:38):
I went from from my parents' house essentially to yours,
and I never had a moment where I could be like, well,
you know what, we ain't getting along right now, you
go back to your place, because I, you know, can
be the ruler of what happens here because it's my place.
So I think that speaks to the idea of women
wanting to be independent in that sense where there's not
a reliance on anyone or anything.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Which I understand. But you know what also crazy here
to me when I look at this right it says
thirty four percent rank establishing a career as a top priority,
but then twenty seven ranked financial security. So more women
were looking to establish a career than be financially secure,
which means they're more focused on the titles. Yeap, titles
are important. Titles are a number.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Of people who I know now that may not even
have you know, large salaries that they're making, but can
tell you how many masters and doctorate degrees they have
just to have them.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
So this is the crazy part.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Like lifelong students.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Checking that out just because black women and I'm reading this,
it's part of another study. Just because Black women are
more likely to graduate from college than their male counterparts
doesn't mean that they out earn Black men. Actually, black
men are more likely than Black women to bring home
at least seventy five thousand dollars annually. Also, double the
number of black men than women make at least two
(16:58):
hundred and fifty thousand dollars annually. Because the pervasive gender
gaps and income, black men remain the bread winners in
the black community. So the reason why I bring this
up is because if you hear a lot of these
conversations happen on social media, right, the first thing that
women may argue younger women and I'm going to say
(17:18):
younger women because and I'm going to say younger, more
immature women, because the more mature wise women aren't having
these conversations.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
I don't think this is our generation. It's not and
our generation. If anything, I have had rev relations since
their twenties, Yes, because they definitely shared some of the
mindset of the women nowadays who are in their twenties.
Then I can be a testimony to that I was
a very immature twenty seven year old when Developed presented
me with do you want the wedding or the house?
And I was like, I want both, and you think
(17:48):
you have to pick one and I might give me
the day, And you know, there were just so many
different things that now I'm looking at through a completely
different lens.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
And it's not just women who are falling victim to this,
because men oftentimes find themselves being intimidated and defensive when
they hear a woman has degrees, not realizing that you
can still earn a high income without the degrees. So
then a lot of these young immature men are starting
to lash out at women with degrees, saying things like,
(18:18):
and I've listened to some of these podcasts, or you
think you better me just because you got a degree,
and I'm just like, no, she's listing what she's accomplished.
You may feel a way because she may has accomplished,
she may have accomplished more than you academically. So now
because you feel a way, you're projecting your insecurity on her.
And y'all are arguing about something that doesn't even correlate
(18:41):
to what brings money into the household. Because black men
are still the breadwinners in our community, which I like
to point this out because a lot of these arguments
aren't rooted in truth, facts or numbers. They're rooted in emotion,
they're rooted in insecurity, and they're also rooted in youth. Well,
I can't blame a young twenty year old or mid
(19:02):
twenty year old person for having these feelings and emotions.
And I'm glad you brought that up because we've had
plenty of friends over the last ten years who in
their twenties got married and was preaching one thing, oh man,
and then now they're in their thirties and they're either divorced, remarried,
or looking and their outlook on life is completely different.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
A lot of my you know, female counterparts who were
like down't need it, don't need it for that I
can walk away, I don't go to I don't got
to are lonely and looking for somebody again because that
single life just wasn't doing it for them, you know,
and that person who they were with, you know, definitely
was not their person in that you know, like very
(19:43):
well within their right to walk away from a relationship
that that no longer serve them. However, quickly realized that,
like man, I do want to be interdependent with someone.
I don't want to be the independent woman that I
thought I wanted to be. I just was in the
relationship that was stifling me and whatever a way, shape
or form. So the recognizing of that, I think, is
(20:05):
where the tide starts to shift. And like you said,
it comes with maturity, for sure.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
For sure. So let's check out some more stats. In
nineteen seventy, thirty five point six percent of Black women
and twenty seven point seven percent of black men and
twenty seven point seven percent of Black women were never married.
But by twenty twenty, these percentages have had jumped to
fifty one point four percent of Black men and forty
seven percent for Black women. So Black women are almost
(20:32):
getting married at twice the rate as they were in
the seventies. While the percentage of all adults who were
never married increased by seven point six percent percentage points
for men and seven point nine percentage points for women,
the corresponding change for Black adults was more than double that,
at fifteen point eight percent points for men and nineteen
(20:52):
point eight for women.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Wow, so there's still value in marriage for Black people. Absolutely,
there's definitely right. You let a couple people say it,
or if you find a couple people around a mic
doing a podcast, they'll be like, no, you know, but
you cannot isolate the idea or you cannot generalize the
idea based off of just that.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
But there's a good point here. They said, while the
percentage of people who never married were only seven point
six percent for all adults, for men, it was fifteen
point eight percent points for black men, right, which shows you,
even though we're less of the population, there's a higher
rate of Black men who are not getting married. But
(21:35):
there are also there are also mitigating factors to these numbers, right,
for example, And I know people hate when you bring
up these things, but this is the truth. Institutional and
systemic racism, incarceration, right, the inability to get access to
resources to marry properly. For example, it costs money to
(21:55):
get married, and if you're constantly pushed in a state
of poverty, it's a lot more difficult to legally get married.
So a lot of those numbers are correlated to what
we have to deal with as black people, for sure.
But the bottom line is is this, more Black people
are getting married than not, So this argument that black
people don't value marriage and the black family is on
(22:16):
the crisis, it's fake because there are more black people
getting married in the twenty twenties than there were in
the nineteen seventies, and the nineteen seventies was considered a
renaissance for black love and black empowerment, right after the
civil rights moving in the late nineteen.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
Sixies for sure, and then the ability just to you know,
enter into these kind of unions that became a thing,
you see what I'm saying. And if you weren't that,
or if you weren't you know, married by a certain age,
it's like, well, what the hell's going on with you?
Speaker 1 (22:42):
Right?
Speaker 2 (22:42):
You know, because we still have grandparents and elders who
look to people who are younger nowadays and be like, well,
what's what's wrong with you? What's going on with such
and such? He ain't found a way yet, went through
so many chicks came in and out of here, and
still don't find one yet.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
I think it's important, especially for this relationship, to discuss
messaging because young kids are going to be swayed based
on social media, not even so much mass media, but
music and social media. And when you look at the
arguments people are having, and people are arguing the exceptions,
(23:19):
they're not arguing the rules.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
That's typically for shock values places.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
The idea that black women aren't desirable or desirable by
black men, and black men don't love black women. Right,
the argument that black women don't value and don't respect
black men was all debunked as a lie because eighty
five percent of the black men who are married in
this country are married to black women.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
I believe it.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
And the crazy thing is people will then say, well,
the more money a black man makes, the more likely
he is to marry outside of his race, which is
false because triple and I looked up. I think this
was four years ago. As black men made more money,
made over one hundred thousand, two hundred thousand, the rate
that they hired black women was also higher, which I
(24:07):
also want to point out because this argument that we
don't respect and don't love and don't honor each other
is just not real. It's not true. It's just an
argument that certain people in certain groups are having in
because that argument is.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
The loudest, the loudest.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Minority people are saying that that argument is what's happening,
and it's truly not.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
People have to really learn to not take things to
say at face value because for that reason, the loud
minority is typically what it is, and they're the ones
that are trying to create or have created, this narrative
that people are completely bought into. And at this point
in the game, children who are wan't say children, but
they people in their twenties, for example, I don't even
know if they're equipped to be able to debunk any
(24:45):
of that at all, you know. So that's why you
know you're not having a podcast like this or platforms
like black Love and things like that. They're so necessary
for us to be able to say, Hey, guys, just
think about it from this perspective for a second.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
I'm glad you brought that up to I have a
question for you.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
Yeah, do you.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Believe oh this is actually a great question. Trouble, do
you believe a woman can be both independent and interdependent?
Speaker 2 (25:12):
You're looking at her absolutely, I mean, why could you not?
The thing I think that is the key factor for
being both independent and interdependent is having a spouse who
empowers you. Wait.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
Wait, wait, that's the next question. Don't go into that.
That's the next question. Don't go into that. How can
a woman don't don't I want to ask that question next.
I want to give you right because I also want
to ask because that question is next. But how can
a woman prepare to be independent before they even get
before they even get to a spouse because you said
finding a spouse boom, But how can a woman prepare
(25:45):
to be both independent and interdependent?
Speaker 2 (25:48):
I think I was about to say, it's a mindset
she has already already be brought into. You have to
know that I've already done X, y Z to get
to this point in my career. If that's something that
you desire, you know, whatever title it is that you're
looking to have, however many degrees you're able to have,
you need to do that on your own, and if anything,
nothing more than to prove to yourself that you were
able to do it, but also knowing and that's the
independent part of it, but also knowing that you do
(26:10):
aspire to share this with someone. I'm not doing all
of this just for myself or I aspire to have children.
So therefore, by being independent and being self sufficient, now
I can find someone who is of equally yoked. Right
that can then add to that and we can then
be interdependent on each other to then build this life
even further.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Okay, okay, I got that. Okay, the next one. Right,
Do you believe that men in general are truly interdependent
in relationships?
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Do I think that men are truly interdependent in relationships
in general? In general? I would say, well, my example
is thinking about like, I don't think, for example, men
men have to want to be in a relationship to
be interdependent, because I feel like anybody, man or woman
can be self sufficient on that eily, So the desire
(27:00):
has to be for the man to desire interdependency. Do
I want to share this with someone? Am I coming
along with someone for the ride of life? And that's
when I think interdependency for men becomes an aspiration. There's
some men that don't want that.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
I would say this as a man, I feel like
men traditionally work to be interdependent. Everything we do is
based on team. We play sports is based on team
with our friends, our friends groups, everything's based on team.
So we are traditionally bred to be interdependent. The issue
is is gender.
Speaker 2 (27:36):
Roles right or romance? Being romantically involved with someone?
Speaker 1 (27:43):
No no, no, no no, not not romance. I mean as
far as like interdependent means we're in a relationship, we
work together. But the problem with men traditionally is that
we then put gender roles on how we're going to
be interdependent, which means, yeah, we're going to be interdependent,
but I'm going to do all things a man is
supposed to do, and you're supposed to do everything a
(28:03):
woman is supposed to do, which means even if we
want to be interdependent and you're you want to work,
they're often a lot of times there are men who
become intimidated, especially if their women values their women values
work in that moment more than being at home. Okay,
you see what I'm saying that. So it's like we
(28:23):
are willing to be interdependent, but then we want interdependence
to look the way we traditionally want it to look.
And I think that's where the disconnect has happened between
men and women. Because this change also comes socioeconomically, right.
More women have been infused into the workplace as we
need more dual income householmes over the last fifty years,
(28:44):
which means more women have to work, like they just
have to work. So since more women have to work,
more men are saying you see what I'm saying. So
it's like a woman is like, if I have to work,
I'm going to do something I love, going to find
a career. Then they get engrossed in their career, and
then a man feels like, wait a minute, we're supposed
(29:05):
to do this together. You were supposed to take a
break to do this while I do this. And then
she's like, wait a minute, my career doesn't say that
I can take a break right now while you want
me to take the break. Maybe kids can wait a
little bit. Then it's like, I don't want to wait
on kids. I want to have kids right now. And
that's where the conflict comes in because the interdependence is
there from men, but we oftentimes try to control dependent.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
And that's so that's why you jumped in when I
said what I said, because you empower me to be
independent within this interdependent relationship. Yes, right, No, I can
see that as a as a as a way, but
I feel like also too, a lot of men are
just not rushing into being interdependent, like they don't necessarily
want when I said being romantically involved, like you have
to romantically want to be involved with someone to then
(29:47):
choose to be in a relationship, which is in turn dependent.
A lot of men are not necessarily desiring that for
that reason. They just don't want to have to be.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Locked down, lockdown Like for them, it's like I don't
want to relinquish any control, you know, like for us,
we weren't. This is another thing that we haven't discussed
is how young ladies are conditioned to receive or find romance.
Right for women, it's like I have to be chosen,
you know, I have to sit down, wait, be dainty,
(30:18):
be chosen. For a man, it's like I can go
out and content her. I can go pick and choose,
pick and choes try, try, try, pick and choose. But
if a woman tries to be chosen with a multiple people,
then she's labeled. So it's almost like dang, I as
a woman, if I'm a woman, don't even have the
same opportunity to find a mate to be interdependent with.
I have to hope the right mate chooses me. And
(30:40):
I think that's where there's also a conflict between men
and women because women are like nowadays, women are like
I'm not gonna sit back and just let you walk
by with all of these different people if I want
to see something, I'm gonna go get it on my own,
you know what I'm saying. And to be honest, I
think that's where the independence comes with the interdependent intered.
You were always wanted to be The minute we met
(31:02):
and you said, what do you want to do with
your life? You said how we going to get there? Yeah,
you were always going to be interdependent, but you was
independent in the fact that you were like, I'm not
going to sit back and wait to be chosen. I'm
gonna go out there and get what i want from
my career, get what I want from my love life.
And I feel like that is the new recipe for
the modern woman. And that's why, you know, we started
(31:22):
off with independence versus interdependence. I don't think that there
is a and that's why I'm glad when I read
this question. I don't think that there is a choose
one or the other.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Right. That's where soft life became became a thing. You
hear people talk about soft women just like soft life
me like, I'm no longer subscribing to team No Sleep.
I'm not subscribing to independent women. Throw your hands up
at no, I'm not doing that. I want the soft life.
How do you get achieve the selt life? Essentially, most
people want the self by being able to offload some things,
(31:54):
sometimes onto a partner, so that way I can have
those soft moments. That's not the rhetoric that was being
spilled to me, like my mother been doing like softly.
What does that even? What does that even mean? What
does that look like? You need to be a go getter,
You need to be ambitious, you know, And naturally that's
what drew you to me though that you didn't look
at me and be like, oh, well, she's just somebody
(32:14):
who's gonna sit back and chill. She's somebody who's going
to get all the things that she wants, and she
would make a dope ass partner.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
I'm glad you brought that up because I'm about to
debunk something that people often say. I'm a debunker because
this is be annoying the fuck out of me. But
this is the this is like the worst take I've
ever seen. I've seen so many men and women, black, white,
all say this, men are intimidated by strong, go getting women.
(32:44):
That is not true. Take a look at all of
the men in my life who are married, my parents
generation and our generation. All of those men seek out
women who were strong go getters to help build a life.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
True, very true.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Think about and the ones that we know who had
women who were like kind of meek, and then they
did not last They didn't like. Think of all of
the women in my life. Think of all of the
women in your life. Think of all of our friends.
All of our friends are married to women who are
strong go getters. Every man that I know who is
(33:25):
with a woman that dad was like, that could be
my wife, said that that could be my wife because
they all said this, now she'd be going to getting it.
So this idea that a strong, intelligent, go getting black
women are not desirable is also fake. It's not a
real narrative.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
But is it? Is it intimidating for a man who
may not have his shit together?
Speaker 1 (33:47):
It is? It is. But let's be real, though, why
are you, as a strong, independent go getting black women,
seeking the company of an insecure meek man.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
Because you might be dropping good, big go off who
knows the reasons? You know.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
We saw the other meme to be quite mean, right,
We saw a meme that said broke niggas give the
best dick so here you have a lot of you
have a lot of women who have their own make
their own money, who only see men for what they
can provide in that moment, which is sex. But you
keep choosing the same type of man and then using
(34:26):
that as your litmus test for how all men? Because
you keep choosing the same type of insecure.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Men and then complaining about it and saying it's all
men and welcoming us to your ted talk that then
becomes a podcast that then becomes the loud minorities.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
You see what I'm saying. Yeah, it's the same way
men who are insecure who don't want a strong woman
will date a woman like that and use them as
an example, like, see, it didn't work out with us
because she was doing this. You keep dating the wrong
type of women, my guy, And then when you get
a women like you said you asked for, I just
(35:01):
want women to be quiet, let me be a man.
You know what they call them women gold diggers to
think about it.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
Gold diggers or it's like, nah, I'm a married this
girl because you know she a little younger. I could
train her to be what I needed to be. And
then it don't work out because you know.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
See, I'm not gonna lie to you that whole. I
don't think that training thing is a fake too. It's
because I'm gonna say it's fake because younger women are
allowed to say they they older men so they can learn.
They say that all the time. I can't. I can't
date niggas my age, the niggas my names, don't know shit.
I want to learn from an older man. But then
if an older man says he likes dating younger women
because they're more malleable, women get upset.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
They were dragging Marcus Houston. I know, well he had
married his wife young, she was young or something.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
They were dragging him, I believe, because they say this
is all speculation. We don't know. They were saying that
he groomed her or something like that from time she
was thirteen, like they met that because they were saying
that she they got married when she was she was nineteen,
but he was in his thirties and he knew her
for years before that, so they're saying it is that grooming. Now,
we don't know those people, so I'm not going to
(36:08):
give an opinion on what that is. But the truth
of the matter is, if you met a woman who
was under the age of eighteen, and y'all were friends
for all that time and then you get married the
minute they come become of age. It does seem like
you were praying on them when you were more mature
enough to tell them what they needed to hear. That's
what it looks like. Like. You can say what you
(36:28):
want to say, but that's literally what it looks like.
I mean, they said the same thing about what's his
name who married Kimora Lee? Oh yeah, Russell Simmons. Like
Kimora Lee was extremely young. He had first met her
when she was a model, when she was fourteen, and
a lot of people said that he was grooming her
to become his wife.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
Maybe not grooming per se, but also like just you know,
you know the person, you have a relationship where you
see him in passing for years and then finally when
it makes sense it can be when they're older.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
Absolutely I get it. I mean we don't know the
terms of their engagement or when they met, so that's
why I don't like to give judgment on that. But
based on what people are saying with the age of
Marcus Houston, it was that it wasn't just that because
she was young. It was how long they knew each
other beforehand, and gotcha, she got married with nineteen plus.
I mean it's going to sound crazy, right, it's going
(37:17):
to sound crazy. But if you're a young lady and
you want to learn about life, right, would you be
with another nineteen year old immature person?
Speaker 2 (37:25):
Right? I mean you can look at it that way.
I mean I was with a guy who is my age,
and I think I feel like we're very much part
of the anomaly group. Not many are like us, but
absolutely yeah. And they were just together, we worked together,
and we were a little bit more mature in our
mindset from early.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
But you were also go getter though, and you're also independent,
and I.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
Saw that you were goal getter too, and you were
working towards something in itself was enough.
Speaker 1 (37:49):
It would have been way different though, if you were
nineteen saying soft life me, I'm just going to sit
here and wait, you know what I'm saying. That's why
I feel like the independent aspect of a woman can't
be lost. You can't just say soft life me, I'm
chilling and waiting for.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
Someone to take care of me, or you can't just
aspire that be interdependent when you don't necessarily bring.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Bringing me to table. Yeah, you see what I'm saying
to me. I think that's what the modern woman looks like.
And why why it would be desirable for a man
who's choosing also interdependent is because I like the fact
that when I when I retired from the NFL officially, Yo,
(38:29):
if you gonna get this job and you get insurance,
I can focus on this while you do that. You
know what I'm saying that that little bit of break well, wife,
he's gonna get us insurance. I was like, how much
money you're gonna be making? Okay, you hold on to that.
If I need that at any point as as extra income,
I'll hit you. It felt good to be able to
(38:49):
have that from my wife, but I know it also
felt good as a woman to be able to be like, Okay.
Speaker 2 (38:53):
I'm holding it down for the family right now.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
I love you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (38:55):
I love that for us. Yeah, you know it was
a great time because we were able to offload certain things.
Plate Like what's better than not having somebody that you
can say, hey, i'm having an issue with this, let
me upfload this real quick. So I could focus on
that while you focus on this. Yep, like it's teamwork, baby,
absolute teamwork. All right, let's go take a quick break
and get into these listen letters. After we get into ads,
(39:17):
we'll be back. All right, now we're back listening letter time.
I go ahead and start can devout. First off, let
me start by saying, I absolutely love watching your videos
and seeing how you interact with your beautiful family. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (39:39):
All right, So boom from New York. When I say
so bomb, so.
Speaker 2 (39:43):
Boom with two eyes. I'm a thirty year old single
mother of two very handsome boys, two and seven. Early
last year, I moved myself and my boys from the
East Coast to Arizona alone. I've just been promoted to
manager for my company. I'm having a hard time finding
a great work life balance about feeling like I'm out.
I barely have any help from their fathers. Yeah, it's
(40:03):
two bozos. I know I'm already judging myself, and none
of my family is here. They are in school and daycare.
But I feel like when I get home from work,
I literally only have enough energy to cook dinner and
prepare everyone for the next day school and work. I
am off weekends but spend most of the day in bed,
sleep or going to do my hair as I'm a
(40:23):
license or doing here as I'm a licensed cosmetologist. I
recently put my actual business on the back burner because
it was too much to juggle work, kids, doing here,
and running my business. I know they say it takes
a village, but how do I balance it all when
I'm the only person in this village? Girl, I don't
know who. As a mother, I want to be fully
there and active for my boys, but their entire everything
(40:45):
falls on me and me alone, and I don't and
don't get into get Oh sorry, I'm sorry, y'all. Don't
get me into dating that's non existent as well. I
guess my real question is what tips do you guys
have that I can to avoid burnout and also ensure
that everything is done even though it's only one person. Sincerely,
(41:06):
a tired soul.
Speaker 1 (41:07):
This is easy. I've been doing this for Prototype. This
is easy. You have to find people in the village
that you may not be related to. Think about Prototype,
how many kids we had in our house because those
were single moms and sometimes the kids need to be
picked up.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
True.
Speaker 1 (41:20):
Then you got Coach Dval coming to pick you up.
You got coach Brian coming to pick you up. You
got coach Hannah, coach Courtney, like, there are so many
willing enable men in these communities who are committed to
their community that will help you. Now you have to
use discernment and decide who is going to be around
your family, because you can't just have anybody around your kids.
(41:40):
You can't just have strangers. You have to be smart
enough to look around and see who you can trust
in who you can But the truth of the matter
is once you move to another location, you have to
look around you and find like minds to help build
that family, Kadeina, and not do it here. We're in Atlanta.
We moved her mom and down, dad down. Yes that
does help, but there's still times where it's just like, hey,
(42:03):
our neighbor has three kids who are in the same
basketball program. They can grab Jackson from basketball and it'll
give mom and dad or rest because we're away filming,
you know. So, so look in your community, in your
neighborhood and see if you can find some people to help.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
Let me tell you when I went to Jackson School
for the sneak Peak night, it was the opening night.
I was about seven months pregnant with Koda, and I
get there and there's parents there with their children and
I see you look at all the fifth graders and stuff,
and I see this beautiful black family, you know, mom
and dad, their son. And I was like, they look
like some nice people. So I literally went over to
(42:35):
them and I was just like, hey, my name is Kadeen,
nice to meet you. They send it their hands sho hands. Hey,
I'm so and so I'm sooning so awesome. This is
my son, Jackson. We're new pretty much to Georgia. It's
be his first year here and we're looking with some
good people and y'all look like good people. So so
it's funny because to this day, every time that time
of year rolls around, I'm like, y'all, it's our anniversary.
(42:56):
This when I bagged you, you know. And it's funny
because they've become such Jackson and this kid they're best friends. Now.
The family has been amazing to us. They literally have
been like family here. They've spent Christmas here, I mean,
and it's nothing like finding like minded individuals who are
in your community or in your neighborhood that you can
rely on so Sis, I don't know how you do
(43:17):
it as a single mom, having the guts and the
courage to move cross country with your boys alone. I
could not imagine being the only one every time someone's
calling for mom. And I know what it feels like
when I miss a school event or miss a sporting
event because of work. So it's virtually impossible for you
to duplicate yourself. You need to find some help and
(43:38):
that's ultimately the only thing I think that will help
you here, to preserve yourself too in your mental So
good luck to y'all. Hope it works out for you
out there in Arizona.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
Facts number two, Hi de Vala Kadeen. I want to
start by saying that I freaking love y'all. We love
you too. Y'all are really my cousins in my head. Lol.
I actually never thought I would be writing in an
email because I'm sure y'all get so many mind may
not even get read. However, after listening to the Coach
Daddy episode, I had to write in I'm a single
mom of two whole boys, ages thirteen and five. My
(44:10):
thirteen year old is a student athlete that plays basketball.
He's been playing since about eight and is a pretty
skilled player for his age group. The issue is the attitude,
teaching how to control his emotions, attitude, the body language
on the court has been challenging this last year. He
started his year off with a small injury that prevented
him from playing the first few games. He felt like
once he returned he was placed on the back burner
(44:31):
in it has caused him to be extremely frustrated. His
frustration turned into an emotion, and his emotion comes off
as an attitude. This has impacted his relationship with his
coaches and his playing time. It's been a domino effect.
As a single mom, I have to play both the
tough love role and the nurturer because I need there
to be a balance. He has coaches like Deval that
(44:51):
just don't play and are really tough on him. I
know in your case with Jackson, by the way, I
have a Jackson two. Deval can give the tough love
because Kay can always be the safe place to land.
How can I be both? You can always be both, baby.
I have to be both and Kay has to learn.
I don't want to coddle him through this tough time. However,
I also don't want him to feel beat down by everyone.
(45:13):
I do feel like he's learning how to self correct,
but I feel like he's being overshadowed by previous behaviors.
How can I help him through this adversity. Your thoughts
and opinions are greatly appreciated. Ps him and I watched
the video of you and Jackson in the gym together,
and I've allowed him to adopt the saying frustration fucks
up your focus. Hella, Well, it has helped love a
mom who just wants the best for her son. Oh man,
(45:36):
I'm glad that I want to do more podcasts about parenting.
I do, I really do, because we've learned a lot
over the last couple of years. This is very simple.
First thing you have to realize is that your children's
behavior are a reflection of what they see. If your
child has a poor attitude or a bad attitude, he's
learned that from somewhere, because children just don't learn bad attitudes,
which means sometimes for us as parents, we have to
(45:56):
self correct and figure out if that bad attitude is
a reflection of what I do to him. So, for example,
with Jackson, I noticed with him is that he he'll
suck his teeth he'll roll his eyes, his body language
you get down, and I'm just like, where do you
learn that he screams? I told you about the time
when he was screaming at Cairo, and I was just like, bro,
(46:18):
what makes you think you can scream at your brother?
And he said, well, you scream at mommy. And I
had to realize, like, dang, did he see me screaming
at you at some point? And remember when we were
having the argument about COVID and you and I had
the argument and I was screaming yeah, And I had
to realize like, wow, my son is always going to
revert back to what he sees me do as his
(46:39):
example for life. So we were in the car one
day and we were having a conversation about his attitude
and I started going him. I started screaming and screaming
and screaming and getting upset and I was. And then
we go downstairs in the gym and he comes down
to me and he goes, Dad, you are right, And
I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Is your attitude fine, because
(47:00):
cause at the gym you were acting this way And
he was just like, yeah, I understand it, but I
felt like you could have handled that better in the car.
That's what he said to me, and I had at
first when.
Speaker 2 (47:11):
The checker becomes the check e, right.
Speaker 1 (47:13):
Right, But at first I was about to check it
and be like, it's funny. You can tell me about
my attitude, but you don't. And then I realized, like, oh,
I'm about to do it again. I'm about to do
it again. So I said, let me be the example.
I said, you know what, You're right, I could have
handled that better. And I was like, how could have
handled that better? He said, there was no reason for
you to scream at me, like I was right there,
We're on our way home. It's just us. I was
(47:34):
listening to you. There's no reason for you to scream
and get all animated. And I was like, you know what,
You're right. I'm gonna work on that. And because I
gave him some accountability, he realized that he didn't have
to be perfect, and so when he started to mess up,
he stops getting as emotional. And I don't if you
notice anymore. K K can attest to this if she
(47:56):
sees this. I don't scream at our kids anymore. I
haven't thrown the laptop in the pool. I haven't gotten
super animated or boisterous, like I haven't done any either,
because I've learned that the more I compose myself, the
more they will remain composed and calm if something happens
when we're not there.
Speaker 2 (48:13):
It's interesting too, you mentioned that because just in general,
our kids are not super loud and over the top
with anything, even with each other, you know, because of
course his brothers they had the little spats and whatnot,
but we never really hear loud matches of shouting and
back and forth because we don't do that, and it's
more impactful when you bring your kid near if they
did something like listen, the fuck do you think this
is right now? Because I definitely have had like one
(48:36):
or two moments for Jackson, but like, who the fuck
are you talking to? Yeah, and that's when his eyes
get really big and he's just like, oh shit, Mom
just dropped the found because he knows that he can't
use that language around me, and I don't use it
to their knowledge, right. I hope they listen to the
podcast one day, but but yeah, there's nothing more than
just composing yourself and just saying, yo, you're What we're
not going to do is that yeah, we're not going
(48:56):
to do that.
Speaker 1 (48:57):
And also validating their feelings, don't make them feel like
they have no reason for their feelings, because then they
get confused and then they start to question themselfs say
why do I feel this way?
Speaker 2 (49:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (49:07):
And when you start to question why do I feel
this way, you start to get frustrated more emotional. But
then you lack the confidence to try to find a
way out of it because you feel like something is
wrong with you. So what I always do with Jackson
is when he has an issue, for example, like he
was upset he didn't get some playing time in a game,
and the first thing I did was ask the coach, like,
what's up. Jackson is one of the more skilled players.
Why didn't he play? And the coach made it very
(49:28):
clear to me. He said, Jackson is twelve, but he
just turned twelve. Some of our players are twelve turn
and thirteen. When we play other teams who have players
who are twelve turn thirteen or mostly thirteen year olds,
Jackson can't help us defensively because those kids are just taller.
Like we're at the point in the game where height
really really matters, so he couldn't help us on defense.
(49:50):
So since he couldn't help us on defense, he rolled
the bench a little bit. So I spoke to Jackson
and I gave him that explanation. I said, how do
you feel about that? He said, that's fucking whack. That's
literally what he said, play defense. I said, so, now
what you have to do is prove it. But you
don't prove it by throwing a tantrum, getting upset and
getting emotional. You are entitled to be upset that you're
not playing. If I were you, i'd be upset too.
(50:12):
But now you have a choice. Are you going to
get emotional and cry and be a baby and not
get better, or are you going to say, you know what,
there are certain things in my game I can work
on to prove that I can play against taller kids
and do that. And he was just like, I think
I'm gonna do that, And I didn't say, we'll do
it the next time and fix it and corrected. I said,
well it's a work in progress. If you get emotional
(50:34):
the next time and you're still upset, this is something
you're going to work on through your whole life. I
am a grown man, and I still have to check
my emotions, right Jackson. He was like yeah, so I said, so,
don't feel like you have to be perfect the next time.
Just try to be better. And every time you feel
like you're losing it, think about what we worked on
and just get better for next time. Yeah, and that's
all it is. Just work with them through the process.
But the biggest thing is maintain your composure. If you're
(50:58):
a single mom. I spoke to my cousin Poorsche about this.
Moms love to scream and holler.
Speaker 2 (51:04):
That was gonna be my thing, Like she said, how
does she go between me and tough guy innurturer? And
it really has a way. It's everything to do with
the way you compose yourself and deliver the message. You
can be tough and you can be starned without hollering
and yelling. You can also be nurturer without coddling and babying.
Speaker 1 (51:18):
Yes you can, you know what.
Speaker 2 (51:19):
I'm I'm glad there's no way to do that.
Speaker 1 (51:21):
I'm glad you said that because that is that is
so true. I am tough on these kids, super tough,
but I don't scream and holler at them no more.
I nurture them. I will have a serious conversation and
I'll bring them over and I'll be like, you know what,
how you feel You're still mad? Okay, we'll give me
a kiss. I love you. Give me a hug. You
still got shit to do, but you give me a hug.
(51:41):
And after this hug, you can get your emotions together,
take your time, and finish what you started. That's how
you can be tough, but love them like. I'm not
gonna let you quit. I'm not gonna let you off
the hook. I'm gonna hold you accountable, but I'm gonna
love you through the process. Toughness comes with accountability, not
with volume or physical tough like you don't got to
hit somebody.
Speaker 2 (52:00):
Be toughest, have to be super emotional.
Speaker 1 (52:01):
Toughness comes to the accountability yep, and rational thinking.
Speaker 2 (52:05):
All right, good luck to your mama. You're out there
doing it and doing it well. All right, y'all right?
Into us. Email us at dead ass Advice at gmail
dot com if you want to be featured as a
listener letter. We love to hear from you.
Speaker 1 (52:18):
That's right, that's D E A D A S S
A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2 (52:24):
All Right, moment of truth time. This is. My moment
of truth is interdependent. I well, some it up for us, then.
Speaker 1 (52:32):
Use discernment with who you listen to about relationships.
Speaker 2 (52:36):
That's a good overarching one.
Speaker 1 (52:38):
Yes, I never say I never believed too much advice
was a thing until social media became a thing. There's
too much advice, right, Do some research on your own
facts and stats, check the details about what's really going
on over here. But remember this, black men love black women,
(53:01):
black women love black men. We are getting married at
a higher rate than we ever have in this country,
and we love the shit out of each other.
Speaker 2 (53:07):
That's a fact.
Speaker 1 (53:08):
Don't let anyone fool you into believing otherwise.
Speaker 2 (53:13):
If you better wrap it up for us, put a
damn boon a bitch is over well. My mom on
of truth is pretty simple too. It's interdependence and dependence. Sorry,
interdependency and independence can coexist. You can do it simultaneously.
Speaker 1 (53:31):
I agree.
Speaker 2 (53:32):
You can become the independent man or woman that you
want to be, but aspire towards interdependency for it to work.
And if that's the aspiration, put the eos aside and
just get the job done, because that's what we're trying
to do over here. Y'all period. All right, y'all, and
you can follow us, find us, subscribe, join the Patreon
(53:52):
gang Gang y'all to see exclusive dead Ass podcast video
content and Ella's family content as well. Well. You can
find us on social media. Dead Ass the podcast, I
Am Kadine, I Am.
Speaker 1 (54:05):
And I Am Devo, and if you're listening to Apple Podcasts,
be sure to rate, review and subscribe.
Speaker 2 (54:11):
Keep telling your friends, y'all know well eleven seasons in baby,
but some of y'all have been writing and saying that
this is the first time you've heard about or listen
to the podcast, and we love newbies, So put your
friends on, put your family on, and have them join
the family. Love y'all. Dead Ass.
Speaker 1 (54:26):
Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
it's produced by Donor Pinya and Triple. Follow the podcast
on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never
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