The New Wedding

As social media boasts weddings more extravagant every year, the expectations on engaged couples can be high. But what are the real standard wedding costs? In this episode, Khadeen and Devale discuss the hype vs. the reality of wedding costs. Dead ass. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Wedding culture these days is trash.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
That's a fact.

Speaker 3 (00:07):
I'm just happy that we already marry baby because listen, hmmm,
twenty seven year old Kadeen and thirty cent year old
Kadeen's ideas.

Speaker 2 (00:15):
Are very very different.

Speaker 1 (00:18):
Dead ass, dead ass, y'all.

Speaker 2 (00:21):
Hey, I'm Kadeen.

Speaker 1 (00:22):
And I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's. You may know
us from posting funny videos with our.

Speaker 2 (00:27):
Voys and reading each other publicly as a form of therpy.

Speaker 1 (00:32):
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

Speaker 2 (00:36):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

Speaker 1 (00:38):
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics, things.

Speaker 2 (00:44):
Most folks don't want to talk about.

Speaker 1 (00:46):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred,
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
We about to take philos off to our whole new level.

Speaker 2 (01:03):
Dead ass starts right now.

Speaker 1 (01:06):
You guys know our wedding story already, so I'm not
even gonna bow y'all with our wedding store and everything
we've gone through. But I'm going to tell you a
combination of three particular wedding stories that all have the
same outcome. Okay, okay. It's three young men who I
even either went to college with, mentored or grew up

(01:29):
with all different backgrounds. I mean, well, they're all black,
but one became a professional athlete, one was in college,
and one worked. You know, I'll say, mta, you know
he's nine to five er right. They all meet beautiful women,
love this woman. They date for years. Everything's going well.

(01:53):
Women is very smart. All of the women that they
were dating were smart, had their own things in their
own right. They were all both parties doing well. The
men decide, I think I want to make this woman
my wife, so they propose. Women are excited. Boom, Now

(02:16):
it's time to start planning the wedding. They start planning
the wedding. All three women have very different ideas of
what this wedding is going to look like than all
three men. Through the process over a couple of months,
and one couple in particular pushed their wedding back a

(02:36):
year because they couldn't agree on terms and what the
wedding looked like. Long story short, all three love stories
dissolved because all three couples couldn't agree on what their
wedding was going to look like and the fiscal responsibility
behind who was going to pay for said.

Speaker 2 (02:57):
Wedding, so they canned the entire marriage.

Speaker 1 (03:00):
All three couples did not get married.

Speaker 2 (03:03):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 1 (03:04):
And it was all about the culture of weddings, who
was gonna pay for what right, and what it was
gonna look like and what it was gonna look like.
And let's break this down. Baby, I have.

Speaker 2 (03:15):
Some thoughts say the same, same, same thing.

Speaker 3 (03:19):
I mean, there's so many songs when you think about
just weddings, like first dances, things like Edda James, what's
that song again?

Speaker 1 (03:30):
At last that was a wedding song.

Speaker 3 (03:36):
I feel like it's been like one of those. And
there was also John Legends song.

Speaker 1 (03:41):
All Me let me talking about I think of John Legend.
I be thinking we're just ordinary people. We don't know
which way to go every time. It not matter what
song he's singing. I'm thinking ordinary.

Speaker 3 (03:58):
And there's also baby It's you the.

Speaker 2 (04:03):
Way, the way same.

Speaker 3 (04:08):
So there's a ton of them. But what do you
want to see today? I mean, I guess we're giving
you all over to carry out samples.

Speaker 1 (04:13):
Once I say this beat, you're gonna know it. Boom
boom boom.

Speaker 2 (04:19):
This is the remix. Mm hmmm, meet me at the altar.
Yoo wie. We get no youngers, we might as well
do this. We might as do it, do it or
not do it? According to today.

Speaker 1 (04:36):
Yes, might as well do it and not do it.

Speaker 3 (04:37):
We're talking about the new standards for wedding planning and
what that looks like. We have so many couples that
you know, are younger and they're you know, looking to
us for some sort of advice and tips and tricks
and all that good stuff. And let me tell y'all, baby,
I cannot envy the situation that y'all are in right
now trying to plan these weddings Instagram. All right, so

(05:00):
we're gonna take a quick break. We're gonna pay some bills, yes,
because you gotta hold some money after the wedding to
pay bails. And then we're gonna come back and we're
gonna dive back into story time and talk more about
these new standards of wedding planning.

Speaker 2 (05:12):
Stick around, y'all.

Speaker 1 (05:17):
Okay, so we're back, all right, we're back.

Speaker 3 (05:19):
So you know what I got from your story time,
which I think was the positive.

Speaker 2 (05:23):
In all of this.

Speaker 3 (05:25):
Each couple learned early on that they may not have
been on the same page from a financial perspective if
they wanted to start a wedding in some sort of
financial deficit ever debt. So at least they got that
out of the way early on in the relationship where
they realize, you know what, we just may not be

(05:47):
on the same accord in general with how we want
to live our life starting. So let's just nip the
shit in the bud now and get it over with
because it's gonna save us a lot of heartache in
the future, because who knows what other things, other ventures,
other business ventures that would require them to be on
the same page about finances and what's one of the
number one causes for divorce financial issues in relationships is

(06:09):
financial issues issues.

Speaker 1 (06:10):
But I am still kind of heartbroken because these three couples,
you could tell they loved each other and they had
love for each other, And what bothered me the most
was that they didn't even really they didn't get a
chance to get to the marriage and learn how to
work through it because they just couldn't agree on the wedding.
And what people don't realize is the wedding is just

(06:31):
one day, you know what I'm saying, And it's just
like you sacrifice, possibly you're happily ever after because you
couldn't agree on the semantics of one day. And that's
what I really want to talk about today. I want
to talk about the semantics of everything. For example, social
media has made super luxurious weddings seem like the standard, right,

(06:51):
but national averages may shock you into a more realistic
budget for your wedding. And I think that that's important
for people to realize because we often talk about how
social media has skewed so many realities for people.

Speaker 2 (07:03):
That is a fact.

Speaker 3 (07:04):
When Triple told me the average, the national average for weddings,
I was shocked, because you think about it, And in
talking to the crew about this as we were prepping
for the show, talking to Josh and Matt specifically, who
have shot weddings for years, those weddings that cost around
the national average don't even make it to social media

(07:25):
because they're not necessarily deemed as that aspirational lifestyle, that
aspirational wedding that people want to achieve, like, it's not
going to be an instagrammable moment if you're within that
national average.

Speaker 2 (07:38):
So numbers, so you.

Speaker 1 (07:40):
Bring the numbers. I want to also point out, of
all three weddings I spoke about, I don't want it
to I want people to think that I'm saying all
of the women want to spend money. The one person
I talk about who works for quote unquote MTA or
school teacher. I don't want to give it out because
some of you y'all know my family and friends, so
I don't want to say things that people are two
and two together. But he wanted to spend more money

(08:00):
on the wedding and she was like, absolutely not. She
was like, this is just not the responsible things to do.
And in his mind he was just like, but this
is what I want to put on for my people,
and this is what I want to do, And in
her mind she was just like, well, if that's how
you want to live your life, I don't know if
this is going to be good for us long term.
So it's not always a man woman thing is sometimes

(08:23):
it's just a personality thing. But in that situation, he
ended up losing. And I'm not going to say he
lost his part because they walked away amicably. They was like, listen,
if we can't agree on this, then we're not moving forward.
But oftentimes it's the stigma that women want to spend
money for sure, And even I had to be honest
with myself and say, when we were planning our wedding, yeah,
I was upset and I projected on you that you

(08:44):
wanted to have this big wedding, But it was also
my ego because my friends were playing in the NFL
and gave their wives platinum weddings that I wanted to
be able to do the same thing. And I didn't
lose my wife because I was able to put on
a huge wedding for you. But then I was also
very upset afterwards because I didn't put myself in a
position to be able to provide afterwards. So I just

(09:06):
wanted to put that out there that it's not always
just the wife want to spend money and a husband's
trying to be fiscally responsible. No. In that case, right there,
dude was trying to stunt and Shorty was like, nah, bro, no,
I'm not doing that.

Speaker 2 (09:18):
In a wedding for me. And even before social media media,
there was.

Speaker 3 (09:21):
A show called wedding, and that's what got wedding, is
it anyway? And that's I think when the culture took
a turn.

Speaker 1 (09:27):
It shifted after that.

Speaker 3 (09:29):
Sure, it's like, okay, we're going to have to make
these over the top elaborate wedding days a thing and
people trying to keep up with that. Weddings in the
United States and Canada are were once based out of
commodity rather than desire or love. The word wedding implied
the security of the groom's family provided, or the security
rather that the groom families provided to the family of

(09:51):
the bride when the couple got married. And originally, if
the bride's family was poor or her father didn't approve
of the marriage, bridal showers were thrown to provide the
bride with gifts when she was unable to provide dowry
for her marriage.

Speaker 1 (10:06):
And that that's wedding history in the United States or Canada, right.
And the reason why we're just saying United States or
Canada because we live in the United States and that's
the culture I'm speaking of. Of course, there's so many
other cultures and ideas of what weddings were.

Speaker 3 (10:18):
Culture's religions that had their own set traditions.

Speaker 1 (10:21):
Right, but weddings were financial commodity, Like people got married
for specific reasons at that time. It wasn't just based
on love. And also it's clear, to make it very
let's make it very clear, it was never on the
bride and groom to provide an experience for everyone else
to share their love. That's that's the new thing. That's

(10:44):
the new thing. And I knew. I mean the last
twenty years.

Speaker 2 (10:46):
Yeah, oh, I mean twenty years absolutely.

Speaker 3 (10:48):
I mean I'm in the thick of starting the wedding
planning process with my sister, being of support to her,
and you know, I get it because I'm conflicted in
that I understand who Kadeen was at twenty seven, you know,
desiring certain things that I've seen, you know, the culture
of weddings and what it looked like for me at
that time. So I understand that portion of it and

(11:10):
wanting to have that. But then Kadeen trying to be
wise sister, you know, ten years her senior, is like
girl like, there's so many other ways to do it,
to make it a romantic, memorable situation that's centered around
you and your fiance. And not necessarily around the crowds
of people who just want to come and party for
a day with open bar, you know so.

Speaker 1 (11:30):
But also we did things our way. We didn't do
the most financially.

Speaker 2 (11:35):
That's a fact.

Speaker 1 (11:36):
Responsible thing, that's a fact, and we're doing fine now.
But a lot of this conversation is to just give you, guys,
insight of what we went through. I'm gonna give you
a disclaimer right now. If you and your significant other
one to be fiscally irresponsible and throw a huge party
for one day, do it the same way we did it,
and be invested in.

Speaker 2 (11:57):
The spation after the sufferation.

Speaker 1 (12:00):
Be invested in the sufferation, but also the time is
going to take to build back Sadeena and I were
invested in that. Even though at times we didn't like it,
we still loved on each other and that adversity that
it created built the foundation for us that's extremely strong
and solid now. So we're not at all saying if
you do this, you're stupid and you'll never survive. No,

(12:21):
Kandina and I did it.

Speaker 3 (12:22):
We wanted a big gas party. It was fabulous, it
was amazing. We had a great time. Did we talk
to of those people still no, and in a large
portion of them we didn't even speak to at that time.

Speaker 2 (12:34):
But again, it's trying to, you know, include everyone.

Speaker 3 (12:37):
We were the first pretty much in our families to
get married, so it's like, oh, mom, dad, grandma, we
want to please everyone. And then we learned quickly that
that was not necessarily the wisest thing. Let's jump into
some facts and stats. Baby, you want to tell them
about these numbers. What is this national average looking like
for wedding saturdays? Because I was shocked by this number.
I thought the standard was definitely way higher than it is.

Speaker 1 (12:57):
This is going to shock some people. But if you're engaged,
or you're looking to get engaged, or you're thinking about
planning a wedding right now, just listen to these things. Brides.
American wedding studies showed that the average couple spends three
seven hundred and fifty six dollars on an engagement ring
in twenty twenty. The average cost of a wedding in
twenty twenty three is expected to be twenty nine thousand dollars,

(13:22):
up from twenty eight and twenty twenty two, according to
wedding planning platform Zola A survey of vendors found seventy
seven percent are raising their prices this year because of inflation.
The average budget for a destination wedding is around thirty
five thousand dollars. According to Brides Wedding guests spend around
seven hundred and seventy six dollars for a wedding day.

Speaker 2 (13:43):
Oh wow.

Speaker 1 (13:44):
The statistic also includes I wonder who they who? They
surveyed for this. The statistic also includes the guests who traveled.
The average cost of a wedding dress in twenty nineteen
was one thousand, six hundred dollars. Brides who tie the
knot will spend between five hundred to four thousand dollars
on a wedding dress. Now, I will say this, these

(14:07):
are national averages, but these are not the weddings you
see on Instagram. No, And that is why when people
get married, they always end up shooting for the stars,
because the only weddings we see are the highlight weddings
from these magazines that cost one hundred to one hundred
and fifty thousand dollars minimum, minimum minimum, y'all.

Speaker 2 (14:29):
And it also depends on the number of guests you have.

Speaker 3 (14:31):
Now, I didn't even think about what wedding guests spend
to attend a wedding. So of course with destination weddings,
you're going to be planning to your airfare, your hotel
and all of that. So in traveling to someone's destination
for their wedding, a lot of people are like, baby,
my presence is a present. So what you're not about
to get is a card with no money in it,

(14:52):
because just for me to get here to celebrate you
is costing me. Some people want to wrap it up
in a vacation and okay, I'll just take my vacation
and make it two in one thing. But you can't
count on necessarily recouping some of that money from people
bringing gifts to a wedding. And then you think about
being a guest. If you're not traveling, for example, destination,
just attending a wedding, you want to get addressed, you

(15:13):
got to get a suit, you want to give a
gift traveling to the wedding, maybe doing here in makeup,
Like who knows what that looks like for people just
coming to attend a wedding. So that's also putting other
people into some sort of financial situation just to be
in attendance, and I know me, I'm like, listen, if
I'm not within the parameters financially to attend a wedding
and give a nice gift to.

Speaker 2 (15:35):
Cover at least my plate, my husband's plate.

Speaker 3 (15:39):
If we're coming as a couple, then I'm usually willing
to buy out of situations that I know I cannot
be in a position to, you know, absolutely give my share.

Speaker 2 (15:47):
But not everybody thinks that way. They're just like, well,
you invited me.

Speaker 3 (15:50):
I don't got it like that, but I'm gonna come
because I'm a wanting to support because they genuinely may
love the couple but just don't have the resources to
be able to gift them anything, or just saying, man,
i'm coming to look for a good time, I'm going
to go party. So I feel like that's the mindset
with a lot of people attending weddings nowadays too.

Speaker 1 (16:06):
So let me ask a question. And I'm looking this
up right now. Okay, remember your sister sent me what
your mom sent her about the average for weddings, and
it was about one hundred and fifty thousand. Did Sokari
send THATX, I'm going I'm not sure she sent it
to or did she show us on the phone. Ultimately,
ultimately it was a breakdown of how much it would
cost to have one hundred and seventy five people get

(16:26):
married in New York and what.

Speaker 2 (16:28):
One hundred and seventy five people attending a wedding.

Speaker 1 (16:30):
Attending a wedding like you if you didn't have a
wedding and have at least one hundred and seventy five people. Yes,
the breakdown was about one hundred and fifty k. And
they broke down how much photography caused entertainment per plate.

Speaker 3 (16:41):
Then you chairs and everything, and a lot of these
things weren't astronomical. These were vendors getting their due, yes,
market value for the service that they offer. So this
wasn't even like astronomical things. These are basics. Yes, And
by the time everything was talent, it was about one
hundred and fifty thousands.

Speaker 1 (16:59):
It was about a hundred ff thousands. But I also
want I also want to be clear that when you
look at what the standard quote unquote is based on
what you look at through social media, that's what you're
going to get, even though that's not quote unquote the standard,
because you don't have to spend one hundred and fifty
thousand dollars. And I want to make a statement here
because there was a young lady when we were in Houston.

(17:21):
I'm pretty sure some of you listened to the live show,
and she asked, if you have Patreon, you could have
watched it the whole thing. But if you watch the
live show or listen to it, the young lady asked
about she was twenty five. She said she had been
with her boyfriend since she was fifteen. They have a
son together, and she wanted to get engaged. And she said,

(17:41):
you know, asking us if he doesn't propose this year,
should I give him ultimatum like, yo, you have to
propose this year or I'm leaving.

Speaker 2 (17:47):
And he was in the audience.

Speaker 1 (17:50):
No, no, no, that was the second one. The first
one was in Houston. He wasn't there. He wasn't You're right,
And my biggest thing was I don't think a lot
of people, and I'm going to say people, not just brides,
because even even men do this at times. Consider what
life is going to be like after the wedding. Right,

(18:10):
So here it is you like, I can put together
all this money, I can find a way to give
myself this huge party and do this for my girl,
or I can do this for my husband and we
can do all this stuff together. You spend all that money,
but after the wedding is done, you are now responsible
to be married. Right, And I want to be very clear.
You listen to the histories of weddings. Weddings were a commodity.

(18:31):
Weddings were a way to build something financial for the
bride and groom so that they can walk into marriage
with something with a neestdai right. Traditionally, it was the
bride's family paid for the wedding, the dad's family gave
a down payment for the home, whatever money they made

(18:51):
from the wedding. If you had three hundred people at
your wedding and everybody gave let's say two hundred dollars,
you walk away with sixty k. Right. So now your parents,
through your party, the other parents, the father's parents, I
mean the husband's parents gave your down payment for a home,
and now you're walking in with sixty thousand dollars in
your bank account. Because if you want to have children,

(19:13):
now you have a nest stake to start this with.
That's what weddings were supposed to be for this is
why I say wedding culture is trash. Now wedding culture,
I mean, weddings now are it's expected that the bride
and the groom, especially in American culture, are supposed to
pay for everyone else to enjoy their love story. Make
that make sense? When did the shift happen where everyone

(19:36):
else who was invested in our love story came with
gifts and provided us with a party, so everyone else
celebrated the bride and groom and gave them something. Now
it's the bride and groom has to give you something.
And the reason why I say that is because when
we listen to our friends, the biggest thing they say
is I'm afraid if I don't invite these people, or
if I don't spend this amount of if I don't

(19:56):
have this, they will be disappointed. I'm like, it's your
why do you care if they disappoint it?

Speaker 3 (20:02):
But also too, you can't go into a wedding nowadays,
at least, like you're saying to your point with the
culture expecting to recoup anything, because people are going to think, oh,
I'm attending this wedding for X y Z. They got
it or did they have to do this elaborate wedding.
They clearly got it because they did it not expecting
anything in return or expecting to have to give a value,

(20:27):
whereas with us, for example, I'll look up a venue
that I'm going to for a wedding and be like, oh, this,
this venue is a beautiful venue. They're probably going to
average two hundred per person. So we're going as a couple,
we're going to at least cover our head.

Speaker 2 (20:41):
And so I'm a cover the head. I'm going to.

Speaker 3 (20:48):
Research the venue. I'm going to see how much it
is per head, estimate cover at the very bare minimum
each head. So that's too valini, and then giving an
addition to that extra And.

Speaker 1 (21:01):
When I tell you my wife is good at giving head,
I mean covering her head. You knew I wasn't gonna
let that, you know I wasn't, But no, she literally
does this. She's like, who's getting married? Where we're going?

Speaker 2 (21:15):
I'll tell her.

Speaker 1 (21:16):
She'll look at us. She's like, oh, okay, so this
and then we're going to give a gift, right for sure.
And I think that that part of wedding culture is lost, right,
Like no one thinks about oh if I'm a guest
at a wedding, I should give a gift if I'm
going to invest.

Speaker 2 (21:31):
It's not protocol or etiquette for a lot of people.
They don't realize it.

Speaker 3 (21:34):
When we got married, there was a lot of family members,
and I mean like close family members that literally had
no idea that that's how it worked. They were like, Oh,
we're going to a wedding. Cool, I'm gonna go to
the bridle shower. I'm gonna give to some lingerie. That's
what I've heard people do. And I'm gonna show up
at the wedding because my presence is the present, y'all.

Speaker 1 (21:51):
I came to a wedding. I supported you.

Speaker 2 (21:52):
I supported you or I grew you up to be
who you are today. So that was my gift.

Speaker 1 (21:56):
Like, hey, let me tell you something right now. If
I got married again, you know what I would do.
I would sell tickets to my wedding on everything, on everything.

Speaker 2 (22:07):
I tried, God put it on evite.

Speaker 1 (22:09):
You put on Evite and be like listen or event bright?
Is that what it is?

Speaker 2 (22:14):
Bright?

Speaker 1 (22:14):
If you plan to attend the nuptials between Daval and Kadeen,
you know, and I'm going to put in the cost
per ticket is and I'm gonna give a breakdown of
what you're getting. You're getting a five course meal, you're
getting cocktail. I this the course per ticket is at
least four hundred dollars. You know why I'm gonna do
that because now you see who's really invested in your

(22:35):
love story. If people know they got to pay to
come and they don't really rock with you, they're not
gonna come. But now you don't got to pay for
their food.

Speaker 3 (22:43):
So Javal and I did something very non traditional for
one of our baby showers. Yes, yes, when we were
pregnant with Cairo, right, we were throwing a gender reveal party,
and we felt like, you know, gender reveal party, baby shower,
Let's do one big celebration in one. Because at this
point I was already like seven months pregnant, we were
waiting to find out what the baby was. We said,
instead of doing a baby shower that was specific to

(23:05):
an agender, let's just make it one big reveal.

Speaker 2 (23:08):
So we ended up doing just that. It was like
seventy five dollars a pop. Come to the gender reveal,
don't bring a gift, don't bring a gift. Don't bring
a gift. If anything that will be your contribution towards the.

Speaker 3 (23:21):
Baby and towards We had open bar for two hours
open bar, we had food, DJ, entertainment, all that decor.
Everything was done. And we got some backlash from a
couple people, you know, through the grape viound we heard
about people like, oh, people selling tickets the baby showers. Now,
oh that's tacky, that's tacky. First of all, you didn't
have to come right that part. You didn't have to come.

(23:42):
It was an option to come. But we did have
an outpour of love from people. We had people that
were like, yo, this was a great idea. Yes, because
first of all they were going to probably give us money.

Speaker 2 (23:52):
Anyway, we got.

Speaker 1 (23:53):
To tell them how it happened. Remember with Jackson, we
had a baby shower first with Jackson at Aviator.

Speaker 2 (23:58):
Oh, yes, this is where the mindset.

Speaker 1 (24:00):
This was the mindset came from. And we had about
three hundred people and it was amazing.

Speaker 3 (24:04):
It was.

Speaker 2 (24:04):
It was a shoe rate outpour.

Speaker 1 (24:05):
And once again we got a bunch of gifts from people.
And these gifts were not cheap gifts. People bought bought
gifts upwards of one hundred.

Speaker 2 (24:12):
Dollars, I mean, playpens, boxes, of Pam.

Speaker 1 (24:15):
But remember what happened.

Speaker 3 (24:16):
We had to end up renting a U haul at
the end of the party to get every game everything
back home to our apartment.

Speaker 2 (24:22):
And then stuff was stacked up in our small apartment
and we had duplicates forever, and there was a ton
of duplicates.

Speaker 1 (24:28):
There was a ton of stuff, and it just took
a lot of It took a lot, I remember, and
once we said, well, we already have a child, we
don't necessarily need more baby stuff, but we could put
this money away in a five to twenty nine plan.
So what we took was that seventy five hundred dollars.
We took that money that we got from I'm gonna
tell you how much money we made. But we had
enough people there we were able to make a couple
of bands, and we started Cairo's five twenty nine plans

(24:50):
the point that day with the money that he got
from the gifts from the people, because we didn't need
any more playpins.

Speaker 3 (24:55):
We already had that right and it's true, and it
just made so much sense of was at the time.
So of course, there were mixed reviews on it, because
when you do something that's not traditional or undimensional. You're
going to have the naysayers and people say, well, why
would they do that, that's tacky. How you're going to
ask me to pay to come to your baby shower.
Well that was the mindset behind the entire thing, and
it was easy because there was no transporting of gifts.
After everyone came, had a good time, we found out
it was a boy. It was a memorable moment, and

(25:17):
then you know, started Cairo's five twenty nine plan for
college that way.

Speaker 1 (25:21):
Also, when we sold the tickets for the baby shower,
we were able to get a lump sum of money
which was able to put the money up front for
because of course I was going to put the money
up front anyway, but now you're not spending money when
you're supposed to be saving money because you're having a child.
To put on a party so that people can bring
you gifts. We were able to use the sales from
the tickets to put money down on the alcohol, put

(25:42):
empty for the open bar, for the venue space, and
we were able to really put on a good party
for everyone. So it was just like listen, you guys
pay astronomical prices for tickets during this time. Anyway to
go to FETs. Why not fat in a place where
people that you're going to celebrate having a child, And
they were like, you know what, this makes sense. Plus,
the seventy five dollars was less than what they were

(26:03):
going to pay on gifts, because most of the gifts
we got from people were upwards of one hundred dollars.
They even bought a whole bunch of clothes. They either
gave us money for pampers or they were just buying
random baby stuff that we already had. So for us,
we took on that mindset of being fiscally responsible but
also using that commodity to put towards our child. I

(26:23):
feel like, and I know saying it now sounds funny
that you would sell tickets to your wedding. No one's
really going to sell tickets. I was joking about selling tickets,
but I was saying, is the idea of people understanding
when they attend a wedding. And this goes back to
wedding culture being trash, knowing that when you are attending
a wedding, you're attending an event in the show, and
you should at least cover your plate, your date's plate,

(26:46):
and give a gift because that's what you're there to
do is to celebrate. You're not there to just be entertained.
And I'm telling you this idea that brides and grooms
are supposed to go deep in their pockets to entertain
you on their wedding day is trash to me. And
I hope people start. I hope we change that culture,
like it has to change.

Speaker 3 (27:03):
It really has to change for the sake of like
everyone coming up, because we're also going to have an
episode this season with talking Finances with our CPA financial advisor,
Sean Sean Freeman of Morgan Stanley, and he's also going
to give some tips about just getting that nest eggs started,
which is super important, and starting out in debt is
never a good way to start a marriage. Some other

(27:26):
fun facts about wedding traditions and ancient times. The ring
finger was thought to contain a vein that is connected
directly to the heart. I heard that one too that
I wonder if it really is a case bring And
the bridal party was originally for security, Oh wow. The
bridal party was seen as a decoy to protect the

(27:46):
briting room from possible evil spirits. The wedding party was
originally directed to dress just like the couple to confuse
evil spirits who might wish to harm the couple or
attempt to target them on their wedding day.

Speaker 2 (28:00):
Interesting never do that.

Speaker 1 (28:01):
So I think it's important for people to understand the
history and the culture behind weddings so that not only
when you plan a wedding, but also when you attend
a wedding or if you're in a bridal party, you
understand what's to go along with that, right, Because here's
another thing with weddings. People, bridal parties be fucked up.
People be feeling feeling slighted if they're not invited to

(28:24):
be a part of the bridal party. But then when
they're giving the bridal party responsibilities, oh my god, this
is so much. This is so much. If you rock
with me, if you're invested in my love story, right
and you accept to be part of my bridal party,
don't tell me every step of the way that I'm
asking you to do too much. You could easily say.

Speaker 3 (28:40):
No with a couple of weddings that I was in recently,
and it's just like this person's your friend. Facts or
working as a makeup artist for years in the wedding industry,
let me tell you as a makeup artist or people
working behind the scenes in the wedding, So I mean
like the glam squad, hearing makeup, the photographer, Like we
see sometimes the things that the bride may not be

(29:02):
picking up on on that day because of course she's
trying to live and exist in that moment with no care,
no worries. But then you'd be like, that's supposed to
be the maid of honor and her good friend that's
acting like that, you know, the who's wedding? Is it?

Speaker 2 (29:17):
Anyway? Lyne comes up because it's like, girl, you're making
it more about you.

Speaker 3 (29:20):
You then absolutely friend quote unquote, So yeah, you tend
to see a lot of that shadiness going on and
people who have big falling.

Speaker 2 (29:28):
Outs and are no longer friends after weddings.

Speaker 1 (29:31):
It happens on the groom side too, you know. You
you start the marriage process and dude's jockey to see
who's going to be the best man with the best
man becomes becomes.

Speaker 2 (29:41):
Responsibilities, financial response, financial.

Speaker 1 (29:44):
Responsibilities, right, and then with everything that goes on before
the wedding, and also it's important to let people know
like you're not supposed to throw all of the financial
responsibility on your wedding party either.

Speaker 3 (29:54):
Either exactly, that's not cool because you can't have these
high hopes and dreams and expectations for the things that
you want that are super lavish and over the top,
knowing good and well that your bridal party cannot afford
to do that.

Speaker 2 (30:05):
That's just completely selfish too.

Speaker 1 (30:07):
But once again it goes back to the wedding culture
being trash bro like all of the ideas behind weddings
now is all about show all of the traditions and
the love and the responsibility is no longer there. It's
just all about I have to get this moment, and
I have to capture this moment in order to be
on this bridal magazine or to have this many viral

(30:30):
viral moment, you know what I'm saying. And I feel
like people are losing sight of what a wedding is
supposed to be. And I want to implore a lot
of young people who are choosing to get married, or
even older people choosing to get married, don't get married
to please other people, but you get married to begin
a life with someone who you want to be of
service to for the rest of your life. And if

(30:51):
you're thinking that, if that's your mindset, you have to
go into that process looking to also be of service,
but also choose people and surround yourself with people to
be of service to you so that you don't have
to feel like you're being too much or being too
much of a burden. Right, And that's really what a
wedding party is designed to create. It's designed to create
a community around the bride and the groom that's going

(31:13):
to support them and push them into marriage with a
nest egg and some comfort that everything is going to
be okay, not stress and debt.

Speaker 3 (31:21):
Yeah, and I'll speak to on the converse side of things,
that young girl who is now a woman who is
dreamt of her wedding day her entire life because I
was that girl. I talk talk about it in our
book We Over Me, you know, attending weddings as a
kid and just like being so enamored by the entire

(31:42):
process of it, right by the gown and the day
and the love. Like that's something that early on I
was like, Wow, I want something like this. You can
have your basis, you can splurge, you can go into debt.
No one's going to tell you otherwise if that's what
you have your mind set on, because I know again

(32:03):
twenty seven to twenty eight Rocadina, what that looked like.
Just be prepared for the struggle after. Be prepared for
what it's going to look like to pull yourself out
of that hole. Be prepared to have to possibly move
back into someone's parents' house to build money up again.
Be prepared to have to go into the old apartment

(32:25):
that your husband's grandmother had for forty plus years, knowing
that that's where you're going to have to be for
a couple of years to rebuild, or a decade or
a decade, right or a decade.

Speaker 1 (32:36):
Even then we got married twenty ten, we moved out twenty.

Speaker 3 (32:39):
Nineteen years nine years of working and hustling to rebuild.
And I won't say it was all the wedding that
put us in that hole, because it's also to us
trying to build a next day having children, you know,
saying I'm not having any kids in this apartment, and
then having three in the apartment, you know, because life
is going life, yes, but just be prepared for whatever
you're walking into, knowing that okay, and not being placed

(33:03):
in blame at that point now on your spouse or
anyone else. You have to accept responsibility for the situation
that you put yourself in. And again, like I said,
this is Maturecaden talking to Ya Nakadin ten years ago.

Speaker 1 (33:14):
But sure, and I appreciate you saying that, but it
wasn't all just you neither, you know, thirty eight year
old Devo speaking to twenty seven year old Devo. Well,
definitely say, dude, you don't have to live up to
anyone else's expectations of what being a groom is. I
did that. I definitely watched those platinum weddings. I definitely

(33:35):
compared myself to my friends. I definitely felt like my
manhood was tied to what I could provide for my
wife on that day, right, And I put that day
in front of eternity, right because I'm still trying to
think about what I'm going to provide for the rest
of my life. But I was really focused on that day,
which to me was so shortsighted. You know. But also,

(33:57):
young man, once you make that decision, if you decide
to spend that money, it is now on you to
not project your own insecurities and your anger for your
own decisions you make on your bride when your life
now isn't the way you expected it because you chose
to flaunt on that one day like it's this is me,
thirty eight year old Devou speaking to twenty seven year
old DeVoe At the time, I was all for it,

(34:20):
that's it.

Speaker 3 (34:20):
And we did have advice from other people that said, man,
wasting all that money on the wedding day like we
did have, you know, elders telling us yes, but you know,
but they.

Speaker 1 (34:29):
Also were they also weren't as articulate and deliberate about
why true. They just said, you don't want to spend
all that money on one day and never explained why.
You know, I want these young couples or older couples
if you get married later, to understand why. Right. Part
of a wedding plan, too, is to find out how
you and your spouse communicate, Oh for sure, because this

(34:51):
is another thing. Kadeen and I got married and then
afterwards had so many differences of financial acumen, Like there
were certain things Kadeen didn't know that I knew, and
so many ways of life that I'm like, man, if
we would have had these discussions before the wedding, we
could have put ourselves in a better place.

Speaker 3 (35:07):
Like me not even knowing the details and the ins
and outs about a credit card, like if you've listened
to the Sherry Shepherd Show, or if you were at
the live show in La the whole Beyonce story about
the tickets, Like it's me saying like, oh, a credit card,
there's available money there. I'm paid off when I get
a chance to not realizing that I wasn't even operating
in a space with the business acumen or the financial

(35:28):
acumen to know like, girl, you cannot do this. And
that caused so many rifts and arguments with us, you know,
and those the things that forced us to have the
conversation while being married, which is why we say those
first five years of our marriage was trash, Yes, but.

Speaker 2 (35:42):
I guess I can't even really say it was trash.

Speaker 3 (35:44):
Those were like teachable learning moments for us, so we
can't really, you know, regard that as a trash moment
in our marriage. It really was just a time that
we had to learn the hard way, and you know,
we came out on top, thankfully. So we're just trying
to give y'all, you know, our little two so that
you can, well, I'll do at least have that perspective.

Speaker 1 (36:03):
I do want to give them like an alternative, right, Say,
say you're your two people who both make six figures,
so collectively you make about a quarter million dollars. And
the reason why I music is because we grew up
in New York. You know, most people in New York
can't even survive if you make less than six figures.

(36:24):
It's that difficult, Like everything is so expensive living in
a metropolis, and the city is difficult. So and let's
be clear, most people in America don't make six figures.
But just for the sake of it, let's say they're
both making about one to twenty five. That puts you
at two hundred and fifty k for the year. This
is how I would get married because when we got married,

(36:45):
I was in the NFL and I was making the
league minimum and going into my thirty I had made
First year, I made two to seventy five. Second year
I made three to fifty thirty, I was making four
twenty five lost most of it, most of it in
the stock market. But say you're making a quarter million dollars,
because people thinks is a lot of money. Oh, it's
quarter million. That's a lot of money, is not because

(37:06):
if you make a quarter million dollars, that means it
going to tax you high, which means you're only really
going to walk.

Speaker 3 (37:10):
Away with.

Speaker 1 (37:12):
One sixty five one sixty five. And if you break
down one hundred and sixty five k over twelve months,
that's a little over ten thousand dollars a month. And
if you live in New York, rent is going to
be at least on a low end. If you live
in live in New York, long win three thousand dollars. Right,
So now you're working with seven thousand dollars. If you

(37:33):
have a carn Right insurance and insurance that's another no,
that's another fifteen hundred. So now you're working with fifty
five hundred dollars a month. You still got to eat,
still want to you know what I'm saying. So right
now you're realizing than that quarter million dollars went away
very very fast.

Speaker 2 (37:48):
You have kids, forget it, childcare, this miscellaneous.

Speaker 1 (37:51):
So say you don't want to spend one hundred k
on a wedding for one day, this is what I
would do. I would plan the grandest honeymoon, the grandest
honeymoon for me and my wife. If this is me
and Kadeen right now, taking two hundred and fifty k,
I plan probably a twenty thousand dollars honeymoon, and on
that honeymoon, we will have our nuptials and we will

(38:14):
get married. And I will tell all of the people
who rock with us, just the people rock with us,
we're going to stay here. For example, say we're going
to go on to French Riviera and we're going to
spend ten days just traveling Europe. Or say we're gonna
go We're gonna know what, We're gonna go to South Africa.
We're gonna spend ten days just traveling South Africa. Right

(38:37):
now we're here, we're telling all of our friends. We're
not putting the pressure on our friends to join us.
It's just, hey, this is what we're doing. If you
want to be a part of it, you can't. We're
gonna do our nuptials there. If you want to be
a part of it, we'll give them a year in advance.
Tell them this is where we're staying. If you want
to be a part of it, lets us know. We'll
get a room block and y'all can join, but they'll
be responsible to pay to join that part of it.

(38:58):
We're not gonna pay for everybody to come. We're just
letting you know where we're going. Then I will take
an additional thirty thousand dollars and I will plan, so
now we're at fifty k, I will plan something at
home in New York that's going to be cocktail our type,
not sit down, not going to cost one hundred to
one hundred and fifty dollars per plate. But people can

(39:19):
come get some finger fools, dope, DJ videographer, photographer, invite
my friends and family, about two hundred people, and that
will be it. And I will say, listen, for all
of you who want to celebrate with us when we
come back, you can celebrate with us here. It's going
to be a nice spot. It's a thirty thousand dollars party.
Then I'm still throwing for everyone. If you want to
bring a.

Speaker 2 (39:39):
Gift, it'll just be like a reception pretty much. Absolutely
so it's like you have the ceremony.

Speaker 3 (39:44):
You know abroad with whoever immediately decides to be when
I say meeting immediate families, for closest friends, and then
coming back to having reception, So literally, y'all's entrance into
the reception would be as if people were at the
ceremony forehand exactly.

Speaker 2 (39:58):
Then yeah, I like that.

Speaker 1 (39:59):
And the reason Mary thousand, do you won't be married again?
I got you marry you always want to get married.
The way I came up with the fifty thousand dollars
to spend for a wedding at two hundred and fifty
K was based on if we get engaged and we
spend two years planning, because most people planning and saving, right,
So now you got two years planning and saving. Two

(40:20):
years is twenty four months. If you two collectively can
save two thousand dollars a month over twenty four months,
that's forty eight thousand dollars. And I think that that's modest.
I save a thousand a month. You save one thousand
dollars a month, and we put that aside, and every
month once you gain, if you have a little extra,
you throw a little extra in there. But you can

(40:41):
save fifty thousand dollars over the course of two years,
and you.

Speaker 3 (40:45):
Might even use all of that because you think about
for a cocktail party, was saying Tom bar not having
to do a sit down per person for head perplate
serving type situation.

Speaker 2 (40:54):
That could totally be a vibe too.

Speaker 1 (40:55):
And the party doesn't have to be extremely long. The
reception only has to be say receptions for weddingxibltly last what.

Speaker 2 (41:02):
Maney three three hours, three hours, four hours.

Speaker 1 (41:04):
Three or four hours? So if it's four hours. So
if you get a venue space for four hours and
you get it on an off time and it's not
a wedding, you just want to throw a party for
a venue space, throw a party, it's not going to
be the same. Once you go to these spaces, say
you're having a wedding, all the price is shoot up.
So you don't tell them you're having a wedding. You
tell me having a cocktail party, you know. And then
from there, within that budget, you can decide what's more important.

(41:26):
Is it the roses or the type of food? Is
it going to be the lighting or is it going
to be the dejit. You see what I'm saying, And
that's how I would do it, because then you don't
have to put yourself in a deficit, and you can
invite people and if they don't bring a gift, you're
fine because I budgeted this money anyway, and we can
still live our life afterwards. But if you spend thirty
thousand and you invited two hundred people, and two hundred people,

(41:47):
now bring in one hundred dollars. Now you get twenty
thousand dollars back. You see what I'm saying. And now
that twenty thousand dollars can go towards paying the venue,
or since that was money you saved anywhere, you can
put that twenty thousand dollars into a plan for a
retirement for you and your wife, or you can put
it in for your first child. This is going to
start their five to twenty nine plan. But that's how

(42:07):
I would do my wedding. Now, Like I said, this
is mature, thirty year old de Vo. I'm not saying
that if you don't do this, you're an imbecile. This
twenty seven year old Devo spent seventy five thousand dollars
for a one day party. And Kadeen and I went
back to the apartment, sat at the edge of the
bed and Case said, I hate it here.

Speaker 3 (42:26):
Literally, you're right after the honeymoon. But we couldn't even
afford a honeymoon. My grandmother sent us to your grandmother
sent us to to grandma. She was applying because yes,
Grandma brothers two and came home as three.

Speaker 4 (42:35):
Yes.

Speaker 3 (42:36):
Maybe all right, y'all, We hope that this helps some
of y'all out there, just to give perspective. Again, we're
not preaching or professing to know the right way to
do anything.

Speaker 2 (42:46):
We're just hoping to.

Speaker 3 (42:47):
Give perspective like we always do to y'all, especially those
who are looking and aspire to marriage, because you know,
we are proponents of marriage.

Speaker 2 (42:54):
If that's keep getting.

Speaker 1 (42:55):
Married, keep getting married. I hope people know the black
dollar the fastest through inheritance and for people whn't understand
what that means is that you build generational wealth by
being married, having your children have the same name, and
passing down all the wealth that you accrue to your children,
and then they do the same thing and they pass
it down to their children.

Speaker 2 (43:15):
That just giving a moment of truth.

Speaker 1 (43:16):
That's how most families pass down wealth through marriage. So
that's why marriage is so important. So we employ our
to keep getting married. If that suits you, sure don't
run away from it because the wedding may be scary.

Speaker 2 (43:27):
That's it, all right, y'all.

Speaker 3 (43:28):
We are going to take a quick break and get
back into listening letters after we pay some bills stick
around already we are back to listener letters. Who this
one looks like a loan when I do ze. Okay,
Dear de Valencadeen, longtime listener, first time writer, Hello, welcome

(43:51):
First I'd like to say that I really enjoy your
podcast and can admit I look up to your marriage
in the way that you guys perceived openness and bonding
with each other are things I mirror in my marriage.
For that all right to the point of my letter.
I've been married to my wife for nine years this May,
and we've been together for ten years now. We've always
had open conversations and at the same time, I've probably

(44:13):
been too open with some of my thoughts. We've both
grown a lot together and the relationship is working great
because we both do the work. My issue is dealing
with us having differences of opinion on the topic of
social media friends and real life friends. My wife is
super friendly and can meet someone today and treat them
like she's known them for years. My issue is that

(44:34):
I am the complete opposite, and friendship for me is
a privilege that's earned because I do a lot for
a friend, so it takes a lot for me to
get it. Takes a lot for them to get that
from me.

Speaker 1 (44:44):
I get it.

Speaker 3 (44:45):
My problem with her is that I take her nature
to be friendly mainly to men, which can be innocent naivety,
as seeking attention or leading, because at times she makes
herself too available. One example is from an argument we
had recently where I had questioned her about adding someone
on Instagram who we both knew through his brother and

(45:07):
would react and would react to each other's reels or stories.
I didn't see any conversations, just quick emojis or messages. No,
I didn't go through her phone. She just showed me
something he said, and that's where the discussion started. My
opinion is that with opening up access to her DMS
to a person that while yes we know of oh

(45:30):
someone I don't know like that, to be comfortable with
you having private availability to not that she couldn't have
male friends from the past that she could have innocent
interactions with on social media from time to time.

Speaker 2 (45:42):
But I do not support the notion that she's starts
reforming me. Okay, I know men, and I know how
some of us can be but I wanted to know that.
I just want to know that you all thought the
Oh God, I just want I can't read today, y'all.
I just want to know what you guys thought of
the topic.

Speaker 3 (46:02):
Or situation and give me other perspectives and my friends
who mostly agree with me. I don't know if I
explained it clear enough.

Speaker 1 (46:10):
You did, You did.

Speaker 3 (46:10):
I just can't read, but hopefully you get it. Not
trying to completely control my woman's life, but I do
think that as a married man, we should have a
level of sway or influence in our wives think and
how we think our wives.

Speaker 1 (46:27):
No, we shouldn't.

Speaker 3 (46:28):
Okay, we should have a level of swey or influence
in how our wives think and operate. No, we should
not always willing to learn. At least he's always willing
to learn.

Speaker 1 (46:36):
And I and here's the biggest thing, right, I understand
his perspective, I honestly do. But here's the truth. The
freedom in being married to someone is knowing that they're
choosing you because they're choosing it every day, not because
you're controlling who's in their DMS. You see what I'm saying.

(46:56):
So for me, it's like you can't really control the woman.
You can tell the woman don't have many in your DMS.
You know what you'll do, She'll get what's app then
she'll talk to men do what's app. Like, if someone
wants to have access to other people, they're gonna find
ways to have access to other people, and you're gonna
lose your mind trying to control how they get access
to other people. For me, and maybe this just be

(47:20):
me or maybe my own arrogance, I feel like my
wife chooses me because she wants to be in love
with Devoal and be with de vou.

Speaker 3 (47:28):
So regardless of like side conversations, it doesn't matter, it
doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 (47:31):
You could you could be in a giving exam. It
could be, well, he's married to I don't want to
use him. But who's a single guy that everyone is
loving right now? Michael Jordan, Michael B. Jordan, I honestly
feel like I don't have to tell you I don't
want you talking to Michael B. Jordan and your and
your DMS because if you're gonna want to do that,
you're gonna find a way to do that anyway. And

(47:52):
me just saying Michael B. Jordan can't talk to you
in your DMS doesn't mean that he's not gonna find
a way. Right. We may be out of an event
and you may run into someone. I can't control any
of that, So why am I going to put that
in my mind that I can if I limit you,
you know what I'm saying, But that also shows your
insecurity because I also don't want to be limited either.
Because here's the real deal. There are women who are

(48:13):
in powerful positions who may be able to help me
further something for my family, one of my sons, my
own career. But now I have to limit how I
interact with this person because my wife may find issue
with how we interacted. For example, we went on the
Sherry shepperd show. Sherry don't have my cell phone number? Right?
You know what she did through DMS. Hey, Deval, I'm

(48:34):
wondering if you and Kadeen are interested in blah blah
blah blah blah. What if you were the type to
be like, Oh, Sherry Shepherd hit you in your DMS?
Or is that you better not answer? You know what
I'm saying. Now, we've limited an opportunity for us to
grow a relationship with someone who has nothing but good
intentions because I'm so concerned with you or my wife
may not like the fact that Sherry hit my DMS.

(48:54):
You know what if I ignore that DM because I
don't want my wife to see it, you know what
I'm saying. I feel like to anology is always evolving.
At one point, it was don't get people your phone number.
Then when emails became big, I don't want nobody having
my wife email. Now DMS is big. I don't want
nobody having my wife emails. Don't text my wife. People
communicate different ways. Once you start putting barriers on how
people communicate, you're limiting your opportunities. If that's your wife,

(49:17):
you have to use discernment to know that I can
trust this woman regardless of who's reaching out to her.
And that's how I feel about it.

Speaker 3 (49:23):
And the way your wife treats friends does not have
to be synonymous with the way you treat your friends.

Speaker 2 (49:26):
You said she's super friendly.

Speaker 3 (49:27):
She may act like she knows somebody for years, that's
just meeting someone because that's just her spirit and that's
her energy. You've married this woman for a reason, so
I would hope that you trust her judgment, you trust
her discernment, and like you said, you understand how men
can be and people gonna be people the same way
women will be women. You have to then put the
onus on your wife to then make the decision and
no better. And that's something that you can't control either way.

(49:50):
So you can't control your wife.

Speaker 2 (49:52):
You can't.

Speaker 3 (49:52):
I mean it seems like you want to, but you
can't control your wife and you can't control who's in
her DMS either. What you can then rely on and
like you said, you haven't checked her phone, so you
may not know, but you have to rely on what
her interaction is looking like, you know, because she could
very well be like curving. People can pay you compliments
all day, but if you're not feeding into that, or
you're not replying, or you're not engaging in that kind

(50:14):
of conversation, then what exactly is a problem? You know?

Speaker 1 (50:18):
No, you're absolutely right. I think his biggest issue is
not even really the DMS. It's him not understanding how
far things can go with his wife if she makes
herself too vulnerable. And my thing is that's a bigger
problem than the DMS. If you don't trust, if you
don't trust your wife to go to work or have
a DM or have a conversation or build a friendship.
Then that's a conversation you need to have, not limit

(50:39):
who she talks to in her DMS or on social
media period. And here's the truth, bro, you sound like
a dude who's willing to do the work to figure
out how to live in this space. And you're asking
the right questions.

Speaker 3 (50:50):
Right because as I was looking at you, you say
he's willing to learn, but he also says that he
feels like, as a married man, he should have a
level of swear influence in how she thinks and operates.

Speaker 2 (50:58):
You can't do that, sir, No, you can't do that.

Speaker 3 (51:02):
But a healthy conversation can be had about the way
you feel, because I think it's valid for you to
feel the way you feel, but also to getting her
perspective and seeing you know, why does she feel the
need to or want to have these conversations with people
on social media? Because right now it's a thing in
this culture where people aren't necessarily calling someone directly on
the phone, texting them directly. A lot of times, it's

(51:25):
like via social media you acknowledge certain things. For example,
Crystal hayslet shout out to Crystal from Davalos Co star
and Satima sends both of us in the Floral arrangement
to say congratulations on the tour and everything. And then
I immediately, just because it came and I had my
phone in my hand, I did a quick Instagram story
and then thanked Crystal on it, and then I was

(51:46):
just like, that was so impersonal, Like I need to
call her directly. So I facetimed her after we finished
recording the podcast, and I was like, hey, Sis, I
know I'll posted on social media to say thank you,
but the culture now is to put it on social
media before we actually call someone directly. So I was like, hey,
I was going to call you to say thank you
to you face to face in a FaceTime versus just
assuming that social media is the way to connect.

Speaker 2 (52:08):
That can be very impersonal too.

Speaker 3 (52:09):
Absolutely so to your wife, she may think like, oh,
it's impersonal because it's just a DM on social media,
Like nobody really, you know, has access to me like that.
It's it's it's access that I seek if I check
my DMS. If you don't check your DMS, you don't
have access to that. Whereas if someone has direct contact
to your phone number, then that's a little bit more personal.
So I think it's worth having the conversation with your
wife if it makes you that uncomfortable. But please don't

(52:31):
be out here trying to control her either.

Speaker 1 (52:33):
Yeah I was, I was gonna touch on that, And
I don't think he's doing this purposely. I don't. I
think when he says we should have a level of
sway or influence in how our wives think and operate,
that's very misogynistic, as if she can't operate or think
on her own, and you deserve the right to have that.
This is this is how it should sound. I would

(52:53):
hope that my wife values my opinion enough to make
her own have a conversation, and when we have this conversation,
she'll make a decision that will not only include what
she wants and desires, but also what I want and desire,
because that's the same way I want my wife. My
wife Kadeen will never in her life be able to
just tell me you can't do this because I said so.

(53:15):
And I will never be able to tell her that.
I don't want to be able to tell her that.
The most freeing thing for me as a man, like
what makes me feel like a man. Is not the
fact that I tell my wife what to do. What
makes me feel like a man is that my wife
chooses to listen to what I say when I offer
my opinion, exactly the same way I choose to listen

(53:37):
to my wife when she offers her opinion. Hey, we're
not the type of couple that K be like, my
man ain't doing this because I told him he ain't. No,
KY will be like, I'm gonna talk to the vout
if he's interested in this. And if Kay express to
me that she don't like something or she don't feel comfortable,
then it's up to me to be like, well, is
this really important to me that I want to put
my wife in a place of displeasure? And if it's

(53:59):
not that important to me, I'm not doing that in it.
But if it's important, it's like, Babe, this is why
it's important, and I want to rock with it. And
most of the time, kble Hey, if it's that important
to you.

Speaker 3 (54:09):
Go with it.

Speaker 1 (54:09):
But we're never gonna do anything that disrespects each other.
But we also don't control each other. Because I feel
my manliest when I wake up and she's there because
she wants to be not because I'm making her be here.

Speaker 2 (54:21):
That's a fact.

Speaker 1 (54:22):
I hope that helps my God. But also this is
a great question and it also shows his vulnerability to
say this is how I think. Let me know what
you think because I'm willing to learn.

Speaker 2 (54:30):
So shout out to you a b Thank you for that.
All right?

Speaker 1 (54:34):
Number two, Hello Kadeen and Duva. I would like to
remain anonymous. No problem. Me and my wife have been
those two guys.

Speaker 3 (54:40):
What's up?

Speaker 1 (54:41):
Me and my wife have been together for six years,
married for two years. When we first started dating, we
had sex two times a week, sometimes three, but the
past year that has greatly declined to maybe once a
week or once every two weeks, to sometimes once every
three weeks. She does not initiate sex. I always do.
I would love for her to do. I would love
for her too, but she never. We will spend time

(55:01):
together watching TV, and she will perfectly find not saying
she's tired or not feeling well. The moment we hit
the bedroom door, all of a sudden, she's too tired
or not feeling well. We don't have any kids, and
I'm up and at work before she is, and I
work longer hours than she does, and yet she's always
Then we have the same issue, always the one tired
and all of a sudden does not feel good. I
do pretty much everything from the cooking to cleaning clothes,

(55:24):
but yet I still find time for her, but it
feels like it's not being paid back. Is there a
way to handle this situation or do I need to
just let things be?

Speaker 3 (55:33):
Well?

Speaker 1 (55:33):
This is the first thing, man, this is the first
thing I will say. I don't know if they're on
birth control, because the first thing I'm thinking of is
they don't have kids. If she's on birth control, there's
a good possibility that her libido has been affected by
whatever birth control she takes. If it's the pill, if
it's the ring, if it's the patch, iud We've spoken

(55:54):
to so many women over the past three years since
we've opened up about our sex journey that they all said, yo,
I didn't realize that the contraceptive was going to also
make me not want to have sex, killing us. So
I would investigate, absolutely, I would investigate if that's what
the problem is. First.

Speaker 3 (56:10):
Yeah, that literally came to mind first, and I'm like, man,
this was me And I mean, granted they don't have children,
we do. So that adds like another layer of just
tired in perpetuity that moms have that the minute you
become a mom, you just can never catch up with sleep.
But the fact that she doesn't initiate sex, maybe there's
also something else underlying.

Speaker 2 (56:31):
Is there something going on physically with him? For example?

Speaker 3 (56:34):
Is he not creating a space where you know, she
feels comfortable or feels sexy?

Speaker 2 (56:39):
There can be so many different things here.

Speaker 1 (56:41):
Did he let himself go because we put so much
on this? Women? Women, are you still going to the gym?

Speaker 2 (56:48):
Going to the gym? Are you making yourself enticing for
her as well too?

Speaker 1 (56:51):
You know?

Speaker 3 (56:51):
And is it just sitting in front of the TV
and y'all just have a comfort zone where that's just
where you sit and you're not doing other things to
initiate that, you know. Deval and I had to run
where we were in where it was like that. Deva
was like shit, Like we go to sit and watch
a show, you're falling asleep on the couch. Then we
get up to go on the back and then it's
just like this monotonous routine of like, okay, let's get
in the bed and have sex now, because that's what

(57:12):
we do when we get into the bedroom, and that
wasn't working for us either, so we had to take
it back to some basics, like make a different I'm like, devlle,
tell me what you want. He's like, yo, word, I'm
sure it's in that cropsop that I like, and come
drop it front of me in front of the TV. Like,
doing little things to spark that interest again is sometimes necessary,
especially if you've been together for a while.

Speaker 1 (57:30):
I'm gonna be a little bit vulnerable here and I'm
going to talk about how our sex rut was so
bad at one point, with us just going to watch
TV and then going to bed. And this was when
this was during the time when Kadeen and I were
trying to save a lot of money, so we weren't
traveling that much. So we would literally go to the
gym because that's where I worked at the time. I
would do my commercials or the film whatever. Kadeen was
doing makeup, doing weddings, and we would come home and

(57:51):
be late at night and we would watch TV and
it be nighttime and be ready to go to bed,
and then we would get in the bed and she
would roll over and she would be like okay, and
she would start kissing me, and then she'd be like,
what the matter, Like you don't feel how you normally feel,
And I was like, what you mean? She's just like
you don't even feel like you're like really fully hard.
And I'd be like, well, this isn't turning me on,

(58:11):
and and me not being turned on, she wasn't turned on,
And that's where the rut starts. Like when it's boring
for a woman and it's boring for the man, and
then you're not feeling each other. There has to be
something that has to get done, and a lot of
times men don't want to talk about it. Men don't
want to say, well, babe, can you do this or

(58:32):
do that? Or war this or can we travel here?
They just want to feel like, yo, it's your responsibility
as a woman to make sure that I'm taken care of.
But we're not helping them. And I say that to
say this, we also have a responsibility as people to
work for each other.

Speaker 2 (58:48):
That's it.

Speaker 1 (58:49):
This whole idea of you love me, take me as
I am. I ain't putting in no work. This is
just that's fucking corny. I'm sorry that that has become
one of the biggest cop outs. I'm sorry, And it's
not just a woman thing. It is also a man thing.
Me and my boys have a group accountability group chat, like, bro,

(59:10):
when is the last time you've been in the gym?
Like your wife met you and you were an elite athlete,
you were the Vision one athlete, you had a six pack.

Speaker 2 (59:18):
You know, like, when's the last time you was in
the gym? Syst nobody this come on?

Speaker 1 (59:25):
But it's the truth, though, Guys like y'all gotta work
for each other because because here's the truth. When they
were single, I bet they was both out here making
sure they were top not because they were trying to
find somebody. But then when you find somebody, it's just like, oh, well,
they gonna accept me as I am. And now they
watch you go through this downwall spiral of comfortness that
it's like, Yo, that shit's not enticing to me. I

(59:46):
want the single version of you that was working out
every day, and I'm talking to you as a man.
They want the single version of you that was working
out every day, your testosterone was on high, your eyes
was everywhere because you was looking for That's what they
fell in love with and now you come and you
just sit on the couch, And I'm saying that to
you because that's where I was. Now. I worked in
the gym, so I didn't lose I didn't lose my physique,

(01:00:08):
but I was super lazy when I came home, Like
I came home sitting on the couch, and you know
what I'm saying, You make the sandwich, You're gonna wash
this thing, and then I'm sitting there on the couch
like you don't never initiate sex, but I'm sitting here
on the couch eating the sandwich.

Speaker 2 (01:00:22):
You know, And it's like that you gotta change all
you have to and don't really have to.

Speaker 1 (01:00:27):
Don't let people who are miserable tell you that you
don't have to work for your partner. They just need
to accept you and all your deficiencies. We all as
people have to continue to work to be better. Number One,
for yourself. You should put yourself in the best physical
and health shape is possible for you. But that will
also indirectly affect your spouse.

Speaker 3 (01:00:48):
Your spouse, it affects your mood, Like, there's so many
things that are positively affected by just taking care of
yourself and.

Speaker 4 (01:00:56):
You'll be surprised when you come in here after doing
a couple of rounds of Birbies and you you have
to stop Sarona's on high and how that woman will
be like, oh, hey, them shoulders is back a little
hot today.

Speaker 2 (01:01:06):
Or maybe don't even wait till y'all hit the bedroom.
How about you, like, oh, in the middle of the show.

Speaker 3 (01:01:10):
You know how many times we've been watching the show
and de Val would just turn that shit off or
pause it and we just get it in on the
couch because that's just what it is. You know.

Speaker 2 (01:01:17):
Sometimes it's just the monotony of saying, we're gonna watch
the show.

Speaker 3 (01:01:21):
Then we're gonna turn off TV, the we're gonna turn
off the lights, and we're gonna walk to the bedroom.

Speaker 2 (01:01:25):
It's like this walk of doom.

Speaker 1 (01:01:27):
It's like.

Speaker 3 (01:01:29):
Yeah, full and just like you know, missionary till we'll
fall asleep. Like no, like make it fun, make it interesting,
make it different, like just put the work in. You
have to put the work in and have the conversation
with her about it too.

Speaker 1 (01:01:42):
Also, remember something you told me you was just like Daval,
I never initiated it because I knew you were going
to initiate it.

Speaker 2 (01:01:50):
I was like, why because you stay on me all
the time. So it's like, here we are.

Speaker 1 (01:01:53):
It's fun now my boy, Uh Sharonas. Shout out to Sharonas.
He just asked me to send him a video of
when I said I was resetting your freak level. Renumber
the skit we did. So he had sent that, so
I guess the girl he's dating, right, shout out to Sharonas.
But I said, why do you need this for? He's
just like, now, I'm just trying to prove a point
to her, like sometimes I gotta pull away to make

(01:02:15):
you want me to reset your freak level. And I
was making a joke, but seriously that that does be
a thing. Now. I will say this too, though, Getting
sex once every three weeks for a man would hide
to stopsteroone bruh, no sis, Come on now, come like,
come on, like, come on, like if we really think.

Speaker 2 (01:02:38):
About it, not even an option over here.

Speaker 1 (01:02:40):
Sex once every three weeks, that means there's fifty two
weeks in the year. If you divide that by three,
that means y'all having sex what sixteen times a year?
Come on, bro, there's no way, there's no way. In here,
and I'm gonna be honest too. It's unfair for anyone
to ask someone else to be monogamous and while you

(01:03:02):
being monogamous, deprive them of sex. That's unfair, that all woman,
that's a fact. You can't ask someone to only be
invested in you and don't share your sexual experts for
anybody else. But then I'm only giving you sex sixteen
times a year. There's three hundred and sixty five miles
fucking days and year. All right, I just almost that.

Speaker 3 (01:03:21):
But listen, y'all, this iud free deval is vezecting me
up having the time of our life we have. So
I will implore you to investigate whatever it is that
you're putting into your body and also putting out, meaning
like working out, investing in yourself, doing the things to
make sure that you are your best self, because trust me,

(01:03:43):
a lot of this shit is killing us slowly. And
when I say that, I mean these birth control methods
that we're putting in our body, not taking care of ourselves.

Speaker 2 (01:03:52):
You're talking about mood.

Speaker 3 (01:03:53):
Being affected and being tired, because why we just be
sitting around not doing shit and not taking care of ourselves.
And I say we as in the American culture. Like,
there's so many other cultures that are doing way more
for themselves physically and health wise than we are.

Speaker 2 (01:04:07):
So so about investigating that movement helps you libido. It does.

Speaker 1 (01:04:12):
So if y'all moved together, yeah, your sexual your sex
drive will be higher. And when I mean moves together,
I don't mean just go to the gym. Try hiking together.
If you live where you can hike together, you'll see
different sites. Kadina and I have some of our best
sexual exploits when we were in different countries just seeing
Remember when we went to Saint Lucia and we walked
up the mountain. Yeah, man, we walked up that mountain.
K fucked the ship out of me and I was.

Speaker 3 (01:04:33):
Like, what what happens to come to the mountains up?
I was locome to see the glory. Glory, y'all.

Speaker 2 (01:04:44):
Good luck to y'all over there.

Speaker 3 (01:04:45):
Because listening, we're always advocates for people trying to continue
to make things work right all right. If you want
to be featured as a listener letter, please short to email.
Oh god, y'all, I can't talk to day. I'm tired, y'all.

Speaker 2 (01:04:56):
Y'all see look at me today, I have one no makeup.

Speaker 1 (01:04:58):
If you're watching on a patreoon, what you here listen to?

Speaker 3 (01:05:01):
I mean, I feel like we're family at this point.
Y'all are in our homes like this is just what
it is. Sometimes you're gonna get me like tired, you know.
But if you want to be featured as a listener letter,
we're never tired of those. Email us at deadass Advice
at gmail dot com.

Speaker 1 (01:05:16):
That's D E A D A S S A D
V I C E at gmail dot All.

Speaker 3 (01:05:22):
Right, so we're talking new standards for wedding planning, wedding culture,
being trash.

Speaker 2 (01:05:27):
What is your moment of truth? You got for that.

Speaker 1 (01:05:29):
Simple moment of truth? Tell them, don't fuck up the
rest of your life trying to please everybody in your
life for one day period period. That's it. Think about
what I just said, don't fuck up the rest of
your life trying to please everybody in your life for
one day.

Speaker 3 (01:05:46):
And my moment of truth is kind of a continuation
of that. The wedding day, the marriage, everything is centered
around you two. You two, So if you too are
not able to go to bed at night next to
each other amicably and in a good space with good
positive energy, knowing that you're on the same page about

(01:06:09):
whatever that wedding will look like, whatever that marriage will
look like. If you can't do that, then you really
have to reassess the why facts. Because the one day
for social media or for the viral moment, or for
the memories.

Speaker 2 (01:06:28):
Take it from me, y'all, it's just not worth it.

Speaker 1 (01:06:30):
Sometimes it's not.

Speaker 3 (01:06:32):
But if you do think it's worth it, just be
prepared to rebuild after the splurge facts.

Speaker 1 (01:06:38):
And what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna help you out.
I'm gonna read this outro because you've been struggling today.

Speaker 2 (01:06:41):
I have been.

Speaker 1 (01:06:42):
Be sure to find us on Patreon to see exclusive
dead Ass podcast video content, and find us on social
media at dead Ass the podcast. She's Kadeen. I am
i Amdavao, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be
sure to rate, review and subscribe.

Speaker 2 (01:06:56):
Now I'm going to take a nap. I love y'all.

Speaker 3 (01:06:58):
Actually I can't take a nap. You had stuff to
do with the kids. Back to being parents, huh.

Speaker 1 (01:07:05):
Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
is produced by Donor Pinya and Triple follow the podcast
on social media at dead Ass the Podcast, and never
miss a thing